How to Deal with Conflict in Marriage

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When quarreling with your spouse, it’s difficult to remember any rules or courtesies about how to argue reasonably. Your emotions are taking over, and there isn’t time to think rationally. Entering a disagreement level-headed is nice in theory, but much easier said than done.

Dr. Susan Johnson says that telling couples they should follow certain rules during a fight will just set them up to fail. Instead, she offers the advice to try limiting the hurt caused during the argument, and lovingly make amends afterward.

Myths about Dealing with Conflict in Marriage

Below are three well-known myths about dealing with conflict in marriage, followed by more practical ways to handle issues.

Myth #1: Just Stay Calm

The whole reason you are fighting in the first place is because you aren’t feeling calm. Something is obviously upsetting you enough to bring it up and hash it out. During a disagreement, there are usually two levels of conflict going on. The first level is the topic you are actually fighting about (i.e., a broken promise, laundry that wasn’t done). The second level is how this disappointment makes you feel and what it means for your relationship. Something as simple as the trash not being taken out (after they said they would) brings up emotions of whether or not you can trust your partner’s word.

This contributes to the hurt emotions you are feeling, and why it is hard to remain calm during an argument with your spouse. The fight isn’t simply about chores left undone. It is also about how they have ruined your trust in them, and what that could mean for the future. If you can’t count on them with this menial task, what will happen when something more critical comes along?

Myth #2: Be Reasonable and Specific

“When the fear center of my brain is glowing red, my cortex, the seat of deliberate reasoning, is most often not online” (Johnson). More helpful advice would be to try refraining from saying something you might regret. When your feelings have been hurt, it is a natural reaction to want to hurt the other person in revenge. Do not give in to that temptation.

Johnson compares the act of making a threat to trying to rearrange your living room by throwing a grenade in there. Doing so may give you the advantage, and definitely changes the scenario. However, you have to consider if it is the best way to handle the problem. “As one of my clients told me, ‘When she uses the D word, divorce I mean, it’s like I have a pen knife and she has a nuclear weapon. I just freeze up. I can’t talk at all’” (Johnson).

Myth #3: Take a Time-Out

On the surface, it may seem like you are trying to push your spouse away when you argue with them. However, the real reason you are trying to communicate is to share your insecurities and concerns with them. This would be futile if they just walked away from you.

“I think in many of us this is just going to trigger higher levels of alarm and resentment. Aren’t we all just a little threatened by our loved one being able to turn and walk away, as if we didn’t matter at all? In my practice, the only people who can use ‘time-outs’ are those who have very mild fights and tons of love between them – that is, those who don’t really need it” (Johnson).

This doesn’t mean you should let the fight get carried away, but don’t try ending it by ignoring your partner. If things start to get out of control, say something. Tell them you value and want to hear what they have to say, but both of you are communicating unproductively.

What to Do After a Fight

Disagreements come up. Fights are going to happen. This is part of being human and the fact that we all make mistakes. Therefore, try not to avoid conflict altogether. Focus on limiting the damage and repairing it afterward.

When discussing your fight, Johnson suggests concentrating on how you feel instead of your spouse’s actions. What is it that upset you and caused the ensuing argument? How did you feel during the fight? Why did you feel that way?

“You can both assume, if it was a serious fight, that you scared each other. Our research shows that you can heal hurts and create a love that lasts by showing your partner that you care about their feelings and opening the door to what I call a Hold Me Tight conversation” (Johnson).

When Paul writes to the New Testament churches, he continually reminds them to share one another’s burdens. He also tells them to forgive those who have wronged them. The same thing is required in a marriage. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

During arguments, you will do and say harmful things out of anger or fear. Concentrating on being kind and loving will help you be less hurtful toward your partner. It will also help you focus on where they are coming from and what they are trying to communicate.

How Christian Counseling Can Help You Deal with Conflict in Marriage

There is no way to avoid conflict in marriage. In fact, Johnson says that it is unhealthy even to try. She compares it to two people trying to dance, but are so nervous about stepping on each other’s toes that they don’t put their feet anywhere.

If you are worried about the magnitude of your quarrels, you may want to make an appointment with a Christian marriage counselor Newport Beach. They are there to provide a safe space for discussing your problems. They can help you pinpoint your fears and figure out what motivates your emotional outbursts.

Photos
“Overwhelmed,” courtesy of Nik Shuliahin, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Worried,” courtesy of Had Limcaco, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Conversation,” courtesy of rawpixel.com, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Forever,” courtesy of Gus Moretta, unsplash.com, CC0 License 

Getting Over an Affair: Can Christian Marriages Survive Infidelity?

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Possibly the worst betrayal you can experience is having your spouse choose to get his or her needs met outside of your marriage, whether those needs are physical or emotional. Is it possible for a Christian marriage to recover from an affair? What does forgiveness look like? Where is the hope in this situation?

The good news is that there is always hope. But this hope requires a willingness on the part of both spouses, the betrayer and the betrayed, to work through the situation with openness and honesty and a common goal of reconciliation.

Important Steps for Getting Over an Affair

This process of getting over an affair is extremely difficult to undertake, but if there is true repentance, the right form of counseling, and helpful strategies, a marriage can become even stronger than it was prior to the affair.

Ask For Forgiveness

It’s essential that the spouse who strayed asks their husband or wife to forgive them, but it’s also important to consider others who were affected by their sin. This might include one’s children or grandchildren, or other people like extended family, friends, and coworkers.

Humbling ourselves enough to admit wrongdoing is very difficult. It takes great effort and courage, but it’s so important to ask for forgiveness from those who were affected by our selfish, foolish, and sinful actions.

Seek Counseling

Everyone involved in and affected by an affair must walk through the difficult recovery process. This is a time when it’s vital to have someone else walk with us through a difficult season, so a pastor or trained Christian counselor Newport Beach should be involved.

In order to pursue the goal of getting over an affair and restoring the marriage, a mediator is helpful to facilitate conversations that are constructive and authentic. Having an outsider bring their perspective to the marriage can shed a lot of light on what contributed to the breach. This mediator can also provide accountability and guidelines for protecting the marriage going forward.

Share the Hurt Honestly

Getting over an affair requires peeling back many layers of hurt and betrayal in the betrayed spouse: in their emotions, spirit, mind, and body. All of their thoughts and hurts should be treated as important. Each layer needs to be examined so that the pain caused by the affair is evident.

It can be difficult to realize that sometimes the betraying spouse also has legitimate hurts from his or her marriage. This isn’t to justify adultery, but it’s possible that there are struggles that were taking place before the affair that should be addressed.

Listen and Admit to Personal Wrongs

It’s very hard to listen to our faults being described and be willing to admit our culpability. It’s even harder to listen to our wrongs and not respond by justifying our actions. There is a time for explanations, but this is not that time. It is very important to acknowledge that what you’ve done has caused deep pain for your spouse.

Identify Negative Patterns in the Relationship

There were probably negative patterns in the marriage before the affair started. To change these patterns and heal the marriage, the causes need to be identified. Like many marriages, yours may only have been surviving instead of thriving.

A pastor or counselor can help identify some of these negative patterns, such as lack of time spent together, lack of connection over hopes and dreams, preoccupation with daily life over developing intimacy, social media addiction, or prioritizing other relationships. Figuring out these unhealthy patterns is an important part of moving toward reconciliation.

Agree to Establish Healthy Patterns in the Relationship

Once these negative patterns have been identified, it’s time to put in place and work toward positive goals and then to ask what things need to be done in order to effect lasting change.

Establish Intentional Time Together (date night, face-time, and couch time)

For any marriage to thrive, and especially for one to heal from adultery, a couple has to intentionally set aside time to be together. This can be a weekly date night routine, having face-time twice a week in order to reconnect, or having daily “couch time” when the kids know it’s Mom and Dad’s time to spend talking.

Especially if kids are aware that an affair took place, it’s important that they see their parents spending time reconnecting and talking, and even eventually laughing together.

Establish Accountability

It’s crucial to ask a trusted friend or pastor to provide ongoing accountability. This isn’t just for the purpose of preventing another affair, but to ensure that the strategies put in place are carried out consistently. Questions such as “When are you going on a date?” or, “Did you have face-to-face time this week?” can help keep those habits in place.

Forgive, and be Willing to Move On

It’s not helpful to constantly refer to the affair going forward. Once the hurt has been shared and processed, and there’s been forgiveness and reconciliation, it’s crucial to focus on the positive to move forward.

New feelings will undoubtedly arise and can be shared and worked through, but the affair should not be used to shame or coerce the betraying spouse.

Understand that Grieving Takes a While

Even once the adultery has been forgiven, the grieving process is still happening, and each person has their own timeline for grief. Some may recover well within months, and for others, it may take years.

There needs to be an understanding that things are going to be hard and there will be some setbacks along the way, but there’s hope as long as things keep moving ahead and the marriage is being strengthened.

Abide by the Covenant of Marriage

And lastly, let’s remember that the only covenant on earth that we have, apart from God’s covenant with us, is our covenant with our spouse. This isn’t a contract you can cancel at any time; it’s a sacred vow. It’s not a relationship that’s a trap, but a context in which to thrive.

Don’t hesitate to invest time, energy, and even finances in your marriage (such as having a romantic getaway without children). Marriage isn’t an automatic success; rather, it is either invested in or it is not. Especially if you’re trying to help your marriage recover from an affair, you need to be willing to invest in it and make it a top priority.

When you are willing to seek Christian marriage counseling early on in the recovery process, you’ll prevent future heartache resulting from unresolved issues. Being married means living out the parable of Christ’s relationship with His church. So even when it’s difficult, it’s worth our time, effort, and desire.

Photos
“Let’s Sit a While,” courtesy of I’m Priscilla, unsplash.com, Public Domain License; “Not in Public,” courtesy of Ezra Jeffrey, unsplash.com, Public Domain License; “Paradise Found,” courtesy of Nathan McBride, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “To have and to hold,” courtesy of Jon Asato, unsplash.com, CC0 License