4 Signs of a Toxic Relationship and How to Fix It
Finding and being in a healthy relationship can be as exciting and as rewarding as finding a cleverly hidden geocache; it’s an amazing experience that takes a lot of work to accomplish.
Great relationships do take a lot of work because there are many things that can derail important aspects of a relationship, such as communication. There are many skills necessary to handle the challenges that beset relationships successfully.
As social and relational creatures, we are hardwired for relationships. Your relationships have a profound effect on who you are and who you become as a person. If you’re in a toxic relationship, remedying the situation as quickly as possible is the best move you can make for your well-being.
Indicators of a Toxic Relationship
A toxic relationship can pass and look like a normal relationship. However, on closer inspection, certain patterns, habits, and dynamics in the relationship are decidedly unhealthy and damage both parties. A toxic relationship has certain features that distinguish it from a healthy one. Some of the signs of a toxic relationship include the following:
The way you talk to each other Communication is the lifeblood of a relationship because that is how a couple shares their ideas, thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears, desires, expectations, disagreements, and more. Communication can be unhealthy if it’s steeped in anger, if you don’t listen to each other, if there’s constant criticism and too little encouragement, or if it builds up.
If a couple is constantly engaged in conflict, and they engage in conflict by casting aspersions toward one another, or they stonewall and become unresponsive to each other’s needs, those could also point to a toxic relationship.
The way you treat each other If a couple doesn’t honor each other, that is a feature of a toxic relationship. That lack of honor may look like disrespecting boundaries, making jokes at the other person’s expense, humiliating or putting each other down, not respecting each other’s opinions, seeking to manipulate or control each other, being deceptive toward one another, and not celebrating each other.
If a couple doesn’t enjoy each other’s company or chooses to avoid spending time with each other, if they are dismissive of one another and don’t protect each other, if they don’t seek the best for each other, nurturing each other’s strengths and shoring up each other’s weaknesses, they may have a toxic relationship.
Relationships are meant to be places of safety, but if they are instead places where physical or verbal violence occurs, they have become toxic. Similarly, if one or both of you tiptoe around each other and are unable to be honest and vulnerable because you fear reprisals or emotional outbursts, that’s also a concern.
How you over-rely on one another Interdependence is healthy in relationships. There needs to be give and take in the relationship, as well as the sharing of burdens. It becomes problematic if you derive your sense of self from each other, and you become defined by being over-reliant on your partner to rescue you or rescuing them.
Lack of trust Relationships thrive on trust to function. Without trust, emotional and physical intimacy is hindered, and communication breaks down. If there is constant suspicion, false accusations, or any avoidant or needy behaviors, that could point to a lack of trust in the relationship, and to a toxic relationship.
These and other behaviors can mark a relationship as toxic. When a relationship is toxic, it can affect you by increasing the amount of stress you’re under, it can lead to anxiety and depression, and it can place you in danger of emotional and physical harm. In other words, a toxic relationship can significantly affect your overall well-being.
How do relationships become toxic?
Sometimes, relationships begin with a toxic dynamic already in place. This can happen in a variety of ways, including the possibility that your upbringing shapes much of how you conduct your relationships. If, for instance, you grew up with parents who were perfectionistic, neglectful, controlling, abusive, or overprotective, those things can impact your growth and ability to function well in relationships with others.
The origins of a toxic relationship can be difficult to excavate and understand fully. Many different factors can contribute to a relationship becoming toxic, including idealizing your partner and entering into a relationship with unrealistic expectations. Such expectations can only lead to disappointment and deep frustration when reality hits home, and your partner isn’t what you want them to be.
A relationship can also become toxic based on the circumstances the couple finds themselves in and how they handle them. If a relationship is placed under strain, for example, through family or cultural expectations, social pressure, or financial stress, how the couple responds to these could be in a way that makes the relationship toxic. The couple could respond by blaming, blame-shifting, or not properly resolving the conflict.
Other contributing factors may include low self-esteem, trauma, abuse, or neglect; having poor boundaries; or having an insecure attachment style. These factors can lead to a toxic relationship, and they increase the possibility of entering and remaining in a toxic relationship. You may be more vulnerable to toxic relationships because of these experiences and traits.
As you begin relationships, it’s important to note a few things. The feelings of intense attraction and chemistry that often accompany the early stages of a relationship can blind you to glaring red flags and warning signs of a toxic relationship. At this stage, you may be infatuated, idealizing the other person and minimizing or overlooking their faults. Pay close attention, as the relationship may evolve, and toxic patterns can emerge with time.
There are some common early warning signs of a potentially toxic relationship. You should keep an eye out for these. They include things such as a disregard and disrespect for your boundaries; control, manipulation, or gaslighting; possessiveness and intense jealousy; being inconsistent or emotionally unavailable; being contemptuous of others, as well as putting down or disparaging them.
In other words, if there is a lack of love toward others and you, that could be the early signs of a toxic dynamic that may be unleashed in your relationship. Know these potential warning signs and step aside before things get serious.
How to Fix a Toxic Relationship
A toxic relationship can be detrimental to the well-being of everyone it comes into contact with. Is there a way to fix a toxic relationship? The first thing to remember is that it’s important to be aware of yourself and the ways you can contribute to or excuse a toxic dynamic in a relationship. In a given relationship, there are ways in which both parties can contribute to the toxic dynamic in the relationship.
Self-awareness of the ways in which we can enable toxic behaviors or perpetrate them is a first step. That, however, needs to be coupled with a willingness to change yourself and the relationship. You can’t change the other person, but you can work on yourself. You can’t control what your partner does, and you shouldn’t try. You need to be willing to do the work that’s needed to change how you are in relationships.
A toxic relationship can be fixed only if both parties can see the problems in the relationship, acknowledge their individual and collective part in it, and do the work of turning things around. One partner or spouse cannot do the lifting that’s required by both of them to make a difference. Sometimes one spouse starts the journey toward healing on their own, and then later the other spouse or partner chooses to join them on the journey.
There are instances in which the relationship is so toxic that it becomes a threat to life and limbs. Reach out and talk to trusted loved ones, a professional such as a counselor, or connect to a hotline that deals with issues of abuse. It may be necessary to remove yourself safely from the situation, and you can receive help to create a plan and do just that, even if it’s only for a season, until the other partner sorts themselves out.
A couple can seek help from a couples counselor to help them work through their toxic traits and habits. With counseling, a couple can identify the toxic patterns of behavior and come to recognize how it affects them as individuals and as a couple. The couple can learn to nurture trust, effective communication, and conflict resolution skills, helping them to build intimacy and a healthy relationship. Reach out for help to bring healing to your relationship.
Photos:
“Radioactive Warning”, Courtesy of Dan Meyers, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Toxic Trash”, Courtesy of Beth Jnr, Unsplash.com, CC0 License;
Handling grief and loss Older couples have experienced more grief and loss of family and friends. This can have an impact on how they see their future. Counseling can help them realign their focus on staying together and enjoying life as older adults.
Be supportive
Those statistics don’t tell the whole story. They don’t know you or what is possible, especially when you seek the help of God. God sees the desires of your heart, even the ones that you’re too afraid to admit to other people. He doesn’t shame you for wanting love. Remember, it was His idea in the first place.
Communication Problems
Sexual problems can strain the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Erectile dysfunction, low libido, vaginal dryness, Peyronie’s disease, hormonal issues, or sexual disinterest can leave both parties feeling neglected, insecure, and emotionally hurt. In some cases, this can lead to physical or emotional affairs.
Addiction
Time is an important aspect of our lives. Spouses might want alone time to pursue their hobbies, and also time for shared activities. To promote a healthy work-life balance, a couple may need to establish boundaries between work and life, for instance, by not checking work emails after 5 pm.
Christian couples need Christ as the foundation
Although quality time with your spouse is crucial for maintaining an emotional connection, you must also preserve your individuality. Pursue your own hobbies and interests, and encourage your spouse to do the same. For some couples, this may look like one person playing video games while the other reads on a Saturday morning. For other couples, it could be taking turns going out with friends.
Place your relationship above all others
No one really likes doing chores, but maintaining a clean and healthy home is essential for overall well-being. Support your spouse by helping out with chores. Some couples split chores between them, while others gravitate toward chores that their parents may have done.
The storyline of the Bible tells us that something went horribly wrong, and when humans decided that they could name and discern what is good for themselves, things went off the rails (Genesis 3). The problem with each of us deciding what is good in our own eyes means that there can be a conflict between different ideas of what is ‘good’. When people pursue what’s good for them, it might not always be what’s good for others, too.
Feeling drained or exhausted Instead of invigorating you, your relationship and interactions with each other leave you feeling physically exhausted or emotionally drained. Similarly, if you’re consistently anxious or stressed when you think about the relationship or interact with your partner, you may be in a toxic relationship.
Feeling isolated A form of toxic behavior includes controlling and manipulating one’s partner. These limits include limiting the other’s friendships, autonomy, personal growth, or movements. You may feel like you’re being isolated from loved ones or activities that you enjoy.
When a person feels trapped in a toxic relationship, it can lead to feelings of isolation from the Lord. Being embroiled in constant conflict, being verbally or physically abused, or having one’s potential stifled can overshadow your journey and relationship with the Lord.
This means that emotional infidelity can be defined differently per person and relationship: what one couple would define as emotional infidelity, another couple would not. What is important to note here is that emotional infidelity does not have a one-size-fits-all definition, unlike sexual infidelity.
Dropping the little ones off at soccer practice? Instead of running errands or sitting on the sidelines, sneak away for a coffee with your mate. Rethink your schedule; you may have overlooked some date-time possibilities.
Make the most of your children’s sleep schedule by planning an early-morning breakfast date or late-night dinner. Get up before the sun rises and share the view and a quiet moment with your honey over a cup of coffee.
If your children are old enough to entertain themselves with friends, consider inviting some of their buddies over to play. Plan a fun activity such as a scavenger hunt, backyard obstacle course, or a crafting corner. While they’re engaged with friends, take the opportunity to spend quality time with your spouse. Work on a puzzle together, play a game, or simply take a few moments to enjoy each other’s company.