On Mates and Marriages: Navigating Conflict and Life as a Team
We have an enemy who leverages assault against all that God has created and approved. It may not surprise us that Satan opposes the image of God, in us as individuals, couples, families, and communities. We see the enemy launch divisive attacks on marriage generally, but we feel it when it seeks to dissolve our particular marital bond. Jesus, however, came to give us an abundant life in every area, including our marriages (John 10:10).
Trouble will present in the paradise we imagined marriage to be. Simply stated, our marital challenges will sometimes look like problems with one another. We may legitimately have issues that we need to work through, as any imperfect human and couple would in the process of becoming one (Mark 10:6-8). Yet, God still created our union to provide Eden-like pleasure and refreshment, with Him at the center.
If we peer through scripture’s lens, we will notice where the enemy operates through interpersonal challenges to shift perspective and pit us against each other (Ephesians 6:12). Conflicts will surface. Jesus warned that we would experience a variety of challenges in our earthly life (John 16:33). The Savior’s words encourage us to embrace the triumph He has secured on our behalf, despite the presence of trials (1 Corinthians 15:57).
With the Holy Spirit, however, there is always more to see than what meets the eye (John 16:13-14; Isaiah 11:2). We can look again, recognizing that God is working through our circumstances to produce spiritual fruit and build testimony. He can accomplish greater outcomes than we could imagine for ourselves, our mates, or our marriage.
As we encounter conflicts or endure difficult circumstances, our attitude has the power to enhance or eclipse the life God has designed and desired for us. Renewing our minds about our mates and marriages can help us pivot in a fresh direction. When we reframe our view, we can align our beliefs with what God wants. We also transform our behavior and discover greater dimensions of fellowship and intimacy.
With the Holy Spirit, we can submit the attitudes and perspectives that may be hampering our communication and connection with our spouse. While it may require our time, effort, and perhaps professional counseling, a couple can transcend from preoccupation with problems and antagonism to seeking and discovering solutions and embracing adventure.
No longer do we have to remain loyal to presumptions. Instead, we can exchange it for trust that the Holy Spirit is operating through our marital conflict, challenge, and circumstance to showcase the Lord’s glory (2 Corinthians 4:17).
Next steps.
Walking through marital conflict can be disheartening. Although the current conditions may not resemble all you envisioned, trust that God is at work in unlikely circumstances. As you endure this part of life’s experience, realize that the Spirit of the Lord has equipped you and your mate to see goodness as you work, live, and play.
Reach out to us today to schedule an individual or couple’s counseling appointment with a professional counselor through this site. This will support you and offer strategies that will heal and strengthen your marriage. With the Lord’s help, navigating conflict and life together as a team is possible.
“Good Morning”, Courtesy of cottonbro studio, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Disagreement”, Courtesy of Timur Weber, Pexels.com, CC0 License
Regardless of whether you have been married for one year or twenty years, relationships thrive when they are intentional. Relationships will never be perfect, they are about loving one another and serving one another through imperfections and stagnant seasons of disconnect and chaos. They are about getting to know who your marriage partner really is at their very core through the struggles and the triumphs.
2. Pray for your spouse.
In a world that is constantly saying “I need more from you,” make it your mission to serve your spouse first. Do not wait until they do something to show their appreciation for you. Do not wait until their birthday, anniversary, or Mother’s Day/Father’s Day. Serve your spouse like Jesus served others – not to receive something in return, but because His heart was focused on true, genuine, sacrificial love.
Aside from investing in conversations, choose to invest in your communication skills. Listen to your spouse. Do not listen to argue or make a point – really listen to them. Study their body language. Study your body language. Choose to listen to your tone when conversing and ensure it is not setting a demeaning tone.
When a loved one is in pain, the vulnerability and emotional pain you go through can be debilitating. The feeling of helplessness can be all-consuming, paralyzing you into inaction. In those situations, great courage and fortitude are required to push through those feelings of helplessness and instead focus on being supportive and present for our loved ones.
anxiety
Medications such as antidepressants may be prescribed to help to cope with depression and get the body and mind back where they need to be. Usually, there are some side effects from the medication, and so the psychotherapist will likely adjust the type of medication and its dosage to meet the client’s needs.
Having gone through the dating ordeal and confirmed your intentions for one another, talking about premarital counseling seems like putting one last obstacle in your way just before the finish line. Do you need premarital counseling, or is it something for people who aren’t sure about what they want?
Sex is a huge part of the physical and emotional connection between a couple. Questions will have to be answered about each person’s expectations about sex. How frequently does one expect it? What are the boundaries you’re establishing about sexual intimacy? These and other questions must be asked to ensure that this aspect of their lives is also addressed.
The marriage lie is the idea that marriage will fix the problems in your relationships. These problems can be financial, relational, in-laws, career – the list goes on and on. It doesn’t matter what the problem is, if you think marriage is the solution, you are mistaken. In fact, marriage often times intensifies the conflict. For the sake of this article, we will only discuss the issue of communication and how to become a better communicator.
Finally, recognizing the patterns in your marriage is key. Marital problems don’t appear overnight. They take time to grow and develop. Once you’ve considered your own style of communication and how your family communicated, it’s time to look at the details of how you and your spouse are communicating.
There are three C’s that we will be covering today: Compatibility, Compromising, and the most powerful one, Complimentary. These three stages of relationship maturity can help put some perspective to see where you are at in your marriage to see what is next for us to move on.
By now I’m sure you see that these issues can slowly begin to turn a marriage into a rusty and withered relationship. How can compatibility save your marriage? This can save your marriage because you can talk to your spouse about how both of you had a great start but how you need to move forward. The start needs to be celebrated. Reflect on the enjoyable times you had together which will help you both to bond again.
A positive tone will help a lot with communication because it can win someone over. The main issue with the stage of compromise is that it can take you far but not all the way. It’s great to compromise however, one spouse may get burned out if they don’t have the constant refreshment.
Think about that vision for a moment. Both spouses work together to help elevate each other. What kind of marriage do you think they’ll have? It won’t be just a surviving marriage; it will be a thriving marriage! This is the secret to saving your marriage. Both of you must sit down, most likely with another couple, and process this vision to help both learn to inspire each other. This cannot be done alone. Both partners must work together so both of you can prosper.
We delight to connect with others, to know and be known and loved by others. In our relationships, we make ourselves vulnerable, build networks of mutual dependence and build parts of our lives based on those relationships.
Part of trying to address a broken relationship is to understand why it broke down in the first place and to do the challenging work that may be needed to change. It may be that in trying to understand what happened, you may uncover a misunderstanding and that gets things back on track.
In other words, it can get complicated, but being willing to examine ourselves and apologize may be a necessary precursor to reestablishing the relationship. This doesn’t mean backtracking and dismissing what was said but acknowledging the pain that may have been caused or boundaries traversed.
When a relationship is broken, both parties may agree that things went wrong, and that the situation needs to be resolved. When things go awry in a relationship, the sense of trust and vulnerability may be broken, and you become a bit more wary of one another. A relationship, even one that the people in it are willing to work at, doesn’t just snap back to what it was before the issue arose.
When God created us, we were fashioned in God’s image: “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27). God, who is eternally Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, is deeply and inextricably relational.
Reflecting on marriage while writing to the Christians in Ephesus, the apostle Paul recalls what was said in Genesis 2 and reminds them that when two people get married, something monumental takes place – the two become one flesh. But then he drops the bombshell that human marriage is an echo of the relationship that Jesus has with his people. This is a “profound mystery”, he writes (Ephesians 5:32).
This was written before the advent of the electric blanket, but the point is well-taken. Having someone to share life and a bed with is pleasant. Many married couples can attest to the joy of having someone to pre-warm the bed and snuggle up to, and how the input of their partner has helped them to make a better life and business decisions.
The birth of children can change our priorities; the loss of a job can drastically change how you perceive yourself; meeting new people or reading new books can shift our views on politics or other areas of life. In all this, rather than growing apart, a couple can share in one another’s journey so they grow together.
Marriage is the joining of two people into one flesh. “For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). This union is something that Paul called a “profound mystery” (Ephesians 5:32).
Presumably, husbands being told to love their wives is something that needed to be said a few times. Loving your spouse means listening to them (really listening), being considerate of their needs, not keeping records of wrong, not being rude or self-seeking, seeking to protect and trust your spouse (1 Corinthians 13).
Another passage warns “Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched? So is he who sleeps with another man’s wife” (Proverbs 6:27-29). Entering an intimate relationship with someone other than your wife can lead to tremendous pain for everyone involved; as alluring as it may seem, it’s just not worth it.
Some friends. Are. The. Worst. They don’t encourage right behavior and instead enable their friend’s worst impulses. “Do not be misled,” Paul tells a young church, “Bad company corrupts good character” (1 Corinthians 15:33). Some friends won’t caution you when you’re going astray, nor will they invest in your marriage by encouraging you to be a better husband.
The honeymoon period might mean constant togetherness, a high of physical intimacy, and make you wonder if your spouse could ever do wrong in your eyes. There might be a literal hormonal spike as you get married and experience the wedded bliss of waking up to the love of your life, spending every night together, and getting to be with them in the mundane moments.
You vowed to love one another through sickness and in health. For richer or for poorer. For better and for worse. You vowed to love one another when you wake up with morning breath, when one of you does not replenish the toilet paper in the bathroom, when you disagree over which side of the family you should visit at Christmas, and how to handle the order of priority in your finances. Marriage is working through disagreements, not running at the first sight of them.
Once the honeymoon period comes to a halt, raw and vulnerable conversations need to be at the forefront of your marriage. To continue thriving in your relationship, you cannot stay dormant. You must keep looking forward, even when you are unsure of what forward looks like.
If you want your marriage to thrive, the secret ingredient is not how lavish your lifestyle is or whether he brings you fresh flowers every week. Marriage should be centered on a relationship with Christ, focusing on the qualities of Christ.