“Cherish every second; they’re only little for so long!”

Does just hearing that statement make you want to cringe instead of agreeing? You’re a new mum, but it feels like the whole world is pushing this perfect image of early parenthood, making you feel like you’re missing out when your days are just a blur of screaming and worrying.

You look down at their sweet little face in the darkness and panic sets in: “Wait, do I even know this person?” Maybe it feels more like you’re a hired babysitter than a mother filled with unconditional love. You’re going through the motions of feeding, burping, and cleaning, but your heart just isn’t there.

Actually, you’d be surprised how many parents experience a bit of a delay in feeling that immediate connection.

It’s not unusual for bonding to take time, particularly when a mother’s brain chemistry is adjusting to a significant drop in mood-boosting hormones post-birth. This lack of those immediate, overwhelming feelings is a genuine sign of mood disorders, often clinically linked to perinatal depression. So no, you are not a horrible person.

The Polished Image Versus the Emptiness Within

The problem is that most parents are led to believe that falling in love with your newborn is supposed to be as instinctual as blinking. When that instinct doesn’t happen, your brain kicks into overdrive with thoughts of “what’s wrong with me?”

You find yourself going through the motions of parenting like a robot- changing diapers and rocking the baby swing like it’s on autopilot. Meanwhile, you feel absolutely nothing.

Motherhood, coupled with depression, just drags your feelings through the wringer. There’s no emotional capacity left when your brain is struggling to function on little to no happy chemicals. And in the lulls between feeling overwhelmed, you’re left with a profound void.

You might as well be watching yourself in a movie of your life, disgusted at the fake smile you give your girlfriends when they ask if you’re finally bonding with your child.

Most advice given after birth seems to overlook this intense feeling.

You’ve been given plenty of advice, like staring into your baby’s eyes, just crying it out, or trying skin-to-skin for hours. In reality, forcing yourself to love your baby when your brain is lacking all the normal happy chemicals it needs to function is like telling someone with no cell service just to make a call. It’s just not going to happen.

Pushing yourself to perform these acts will only heighten your sense of separation, as you’re confronted with the feelings you ought to have but lack. This false narrative sets you up for failure and fuels your postpartum depression even more.

Keeping Yourself Well Balanced

When baby boot camp fails you, it’s time to ditch the checklist. Healing your brain and developing a relationship with your baby takes time, patience, and baby steps. For days when you’re barely holding it together, there are a few simple tips you can try to cope.

Start by treating the baby like a roommate: You don’t have to love your roommate when you first meet them to feed them, keep them from poking themselves with needles, and provide them with a place to sleep while you figure them out.

Just say what you’re feeling out: Even saying, “Honestly, you’re not my priority right now” out loud won’t hurt. In fact, it might help you have a good laugh in the bathroom. Sharing those wild thoughts with your baby can highlight just how untrue and unreal they are.

Let someone else take over with them for a little while: Allow your partner or a friend to hold the baby for an hour while you tackle a chore that isn’t baby-related. Clean the bathroom sink for all you care- just do something that allows you to break away from feeling guilty about not bonding.

Focus on small tasks together: Take care of feeding and changing like a job that needs to get done together, instead of forcing some deep spiritual connection every time you both breathe.

Baby steps: Learn to accept your new housemate like you would any other human being. Building a relationship takes time. Even if you didn’t have a chemical imbalance, falling in love with your baby isn’t something that just happens overnight.

You’ve just been through a major physical ordeal, and now you’re faced with the task of caring for another human.

Give Yourself a Break

The love you’re hoping for often arrives when you’ve stopped trying so hard. Eventually, your emotions will start to kick back in, usually not all at once but in small doses.

It’s perfectly fine if you don’t immediately feel those profound maternal instincts the moment you see your baby. Plenty of people find themselves in your shoes, and there are those ready to support you.

If you would like to learn more about coping with baby blues or postpartum depression, please check out our free resource guide or call/text one of the numbers on your screen. We partner with counselors who genuinely care and want to help you process everything you’re experiencing. All conversations are strictly confidential.