What Depression Feels Like

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Do you ever wonder if you are depressed or just sad? If so, this article on what depression feels like may be for you.

Key differences between sadness and depression

Sadness is a normal emotional reaction to a particular experience such as a painful event, rejection, or disappointment. Though it temporarily changes your mood, you can still go about your day and have moments when you are able to laugh or be comforted. Eventually, it fades on its own.

Depression, on the other hand, is an all-encompassing and debilitating mood disorder that occurs without any apparent reason and that left untreated can last for months or years. It is much more intense than feeling sad or temporarily weighed down by what is going on around you and does not necessarily include sadness.

Many people with depression feel numb and unable to feel anything at all. Others, especially men, may feel anger or irritability that is out of proportion to what triggers it.

Depression alters the way your brain functions. It tends to be a whole-body experience that affects you physically as well as emotionally, making it difficult or impossible for you to function normally in your day-to-day life and causing problems at work, at home, and in your relationships with others. It has been likened to permanently wearing a pair of gray-tinted glasses that only allow you to see the negative side of things.

Things only people with depression can truly understand

Depression drains your energy level and makes every day seem like a challenge. You feel constantly fatigued and worn out. Everything seems to require more energy and take longer to complete. You have trouble staying focused on what you need to do, and taking care of everyday routines and responsibilities can feel overwhelming.

Being constantly told to look at the bright side of things or think positively is not helpful. Depression is not a choice or a mood. When you are depressed, you can’t control your thoughts. Your thoughts control you.

Depression cannot be turned on and off at will. Being told to get over it or that you have nothing to be depressed about only adds frustration, anxiety, guilt, or shame and adds to your already flagging sense of worth. Telling a depressed person to snap out of it is like asking someone with a broken leg to walk.

Depression affects more than your mental and emotional state. Depression affects your physical body as well, making you prone to headaches, muscle tension, and other unexplained aches and pains. It also affects your appetite and sleep patterns. You may have trouble falling or staying asleep or sleep too much, lose weight due to a loss of appetite, or gain weight due to an increased craving for comfort foods.

Depression is all-consuming. It is not a passing feeling like sadness. Though you may sometimes feel sad, you are more likely not to feel anything at all other than being numb to life. It is a mental illness that impacts every area of your life – family, work, and social. You no longer enjoy or have an interest in things that used to give you pleasure and may isolate yourself and avoid others even though you feel lonely.

How people describe what depression feels like

People who have been interviewed about what depression feels like to them often use metaphors such as “slogging through molasses, walking around with a pack full of rocks on my back, or falling into a deep black hole I can’t get out of.” Others describe it as “feeling there’s nothing to hope for, crying all day without reason, it’s like a heavy blanket you can’t take off, or a sense of emptiness and disconnection.”

Because of the variety of ways depression can be experienced, the MyWellbeing team interviewed 100 people during Depression Awareness Month, asking them to describe in a single statement what depression feels like to them. Below is a sampling of the responses.

  • Like fog has taken over my brain.
  • Every day is a struggle.
  • The simplest things feel impossible.
  • There is no way out.
  • Drowning.
  • Suffocating.
  • Like living on another planet where I don’t belong.
  • It’s heavy and lonely.
  • Everything is meaningless.
  • Not finding joy in anything.
  • Like fog has taken over my brain.
  • Constant need for sleep, migraines, and no appetite except for foods that are bad for me.
  • Like wanting to crawl into a cotton ball because everything around me is too much.
  • Like I’m on an island, deep in a dark cave of shame and self-hatred.
  • Feeling hopeless and worthless without an obvious reason.
  • Questioning why I am even here. Feeling like I am a waste of space and oxygen.
  • It makes the smallest tasks – like drinking water, showering, and playing with my kids – feel so hard.
  • Like the act of getting out of bed is equivalent to climbing Everest.
  • Like constantly coming up short for every single person/animal in my life.

If you feel you are struggling with depression and would like to set up a risk-free appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors at our location to see how counseling can help you, please give us a call today. You don’t have to walk this path alone.

References:

Greg Dorter. “Things Only People With Depression Can Truly Understand.” ActiveBeat. Updated November 1, 2021. activebeat.com/your-health/10-things-only-people-with-depression-can-truly-understand/.

Haley Jakobson. “100 People Told Us What Depression Feels Like.” MyWellbeing. mywell-being.com/therapy-101/what-depression-feels-like.

Sara Lindberg. “What Does Depression Feel Like?” VeryWell Mind. Updated November 2, 2022. verywellmind.com/what-depression-feels-like-5088793.

Photos:
“Downcast”, Courtesy of Chad Madden, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

How to Help Your Depressed Husband

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When a loved one is in pain, the vulnerability and emotional pain you go through can be debilitating. The feeling of helplessness can be all-consuming, paralyzing you into inaction. In those situations, great courage and fortitude are required to push through those feelings of helplessness and instead focus on being supportive and present for our loved ones.

The same goes when the loved one who is in pain is your husband, and the trial they are going through is battling depression. We’ve learned a lot about depression and other mental health concerns over the last few decades, and so there are a lot of things you can be aware of and do to be supportive of your depressed husband.

Know what depression is and isn’t

Firstly, it’s of great importance for you to get informed about what depression is and isn’t, which can help you in dispelling any unhelpful myths or ideas you may have about the disease. Depression isn’t something a person can simply power through via sheer willpower, though for many men that is precisely the kind of mistake they make.

Depression is a mood disorder that impacts all aspects of a person’s being – physically, mentally, and emotionally; it also affects their behavior. Day to day activities become burdensome and difficult to do; even the things a person used to enjoy, like hobbies, lose their appeal.

Depression is a widespread mental health issue. Here in the United States, about 19% of adults have experienced a mental illness. Around 7.1% of adults (17.3 million people) have had at least one major episode of depression in their lives.

Women are twice as likely to have depression than men, but one of the symptoms of depression – having suicidal thoughts – tends to result in death more frequently in men. While women are more likely to attempt to commit suicide, men are four times as likely to succeed because they use more lethal means in their attempts.

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), nearly three hundred million people (about 264 million) across the world suffer from depression. This includes men and women, the young and the old, and people from every possible background including different cultures and ethnicities, religions, and social classes.

Having depression is not a sign of weakness. It can be caused by one or several factors, including genetics, trauma, illness, poor nutrition, and brain chemistry, among others.

Signs of a depressed husband

To better understand the question of depression, you should be informed about what depression looks like in men, and how that will impact your husband and your family. There are symptoms of depression that are common for both men and women, and these include the following:

  • anxiety
  • feeling sad, empty, or hopeless
  • aches, pains, and digestive problems
  • fatigue
  • sleeping too much or too little.
  • feeling restless and agitated
  • lack of concentration on work or tasks
  • struggling to fulfill family, work, or other obligations
  • difficulty remembering details
  • eating too much or too little
  • unintentional weight gain or loss
  • being unusually indecisive
  • having suicidal thoughts or making suicide attempts
  • losing interest in hobbies and things that were once exciting

Some other symptoms of depression are more specific to men, and these behaviors often hide depression. These include:

  • Compulsive behaviors, such as increasing intake of alcohol, gambling, or substance abuse.
  • Seeking isolation by avoiding family or social situations
  • Reckless behaviors, such as unprotected sex, sex with strangers, or reckless driving
  • Becoming overly sensitive, getting easily irritated, losing one’s sense of humor, getting angry quickly or with scant provocation, becoming more verbally or physically abusive of loved ones, or more controlling in relationships.

Diagnosing depression

It is important to help your husband to get a proper diagnosis. For it to be diagnosed as depression, the symptoms must persist for at least two weeks. It is important to seek help from a trained professional to get this proper diagnosis. Your doctor or healthcare provider can perform a series of tests to determine whether your husband has depression.

These may include a physical examination and some blood work to eliminate other possible sources of the symptoms. There is no single simple test for depression, but your physician can make a diagnosis based on the symptoms they observe and a psychological evaluation.

In most cases, they’ll ask questions about these areas to determine if your husband suffers from depression:

  • sleep patterns
  • moods
  • thoughts
  • appetite
  • level of activity

Treatment options for your depressed husband

There are various treatment options available for your depressed husband, and your husband and doctor need to proceed with a treatment plan that works for him. For the various possible treatments for depression to be effective, one key element is willing buy-in from the person suffering from depression. They must have ownership of the process.

They do need help, though. The people around them, who comprise their support team, can be there to encourage and stand in the gap where they can. For wives, this may mean being aware that more of the load may fall on you as your husband deals with the depression.

We mentioned earlier how the family may be affected negatively in various ways by a depressed husband and father. Giving them support, understanding, and accountability during their treatment will provide a more conducive environment for recovery.

When someone is diagnosed with depression, there are various strategies for treatment and coping with it. With mild depression, there are strategies they can implement to cope and manage it, and these include:

Finding support from friends and family through sharing feelings with people close to you helps you to feel less isolated and it makes those feelings feel less overwhelming. These cheerleaders can help you stay on the path to recovery. This support network can help with chores, driving to and from a doctor’s appointment and so much more.

Pursuing simplicity by breaking down huge tasks into smaller tasks.

Postponing big decisions until you’ve recovered. Discuss important decisions with trustworthy people.

Avoiding alcohol and other addictive substances may boost your mood and creates room for you to address your situation soberly.

Creating structure by making a daily routine can make each day feel a little easier with fewer decisions you have to make.

Eating and sleeping well by keeping up with good nutrition and getting good sleep helps you make progress toward better overall health.

Exercising or practicing mindfulness through meditating, and exercising by walking, running, or doing yoga may reduce stress and support overall well-being.

These coping strategies are supplemental to the treatment plan a licensed medical professional may create for your husband; they are certainly not a substitute for it. The trained psychotherapist may recommend medication or talk therapy, or a combination of both depending on the circumstances and the severity of the depression.

Medications such as antidepressants may be prescribed to help to cope with depression and get the body and mind back where they need to be. Usually, there are some side effects from the medication, and so the psychotherapist will likely adjust the type of medication and its dosage to meet the client’s needs.

Don’t expect immediate results, as the medication may only begin to have positive effects on a person’s mood or overall disposition after a few weeks. This process of finding the right medication and dosage can take a few months, so don’t lose heart, or begin doubting the process.

It is important for a person suffering from depression to keep taking their medication even when the outlook begins improving. Taking the foot off the gas prematurely because some of the symptoms of depression are lifting can set their progress back and potentially trigger a relapse with worsened symptoms.

The treatment plan, which includes taking medication, only stops in consultation with the psychotherapist who determines whether sufficient progress has been made.

Talk therapy, or psychotherapy, is another powerful component of the treatment plan. This can take several forms, but its main aim is to provide a person with space to talk through the situation with a trained and licensed mental health professional.

This process can unearth various issues in the relationships around the person struggling with depression, including your own. Psychotherapy also assists people suffering from depression to accomplish various goals, including:

  • helping them identify and replace negative beliefs and thought patterns with positive ones
  • finding adaptive and creative ways to solve problems
  • creating, setting, and maintaining realistic goals
  • learning how to cope with a crisis
  • developing capacity and a deeper ability to tolerate stress and distress
  • digging into their relationships and experiences to forge positive connections
  • learning to recognize the issues that contribute to depression

Your loved one doesn’t have to walk the journey through depression alone. With you and your family’s loving support and the knowledge possessed by trained psychotherapists and other professional caregivers, your depressed husband can work through his depression and gain the tools he needs to deal with this season of struggle.

Photos:
“Sad Face”, Courtesy of PDPics, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Hope or Despair”, Courtesy of geralt, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Depressed”, Courtesy of talipozer, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Down”, Courtesy of Peggy_Marco, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

Signs of Anger Issues and How to Address Them

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Our emotional makeup helps us to experience all that the world throws at us and to respond appropriately to it all. A beautiful sunrise or sunset makes you feel warm inside, and you smile, draft a poem, or hug a loved one to express what you feel.

The death of a loved one or the loss of a long-cherished dream break you up inside, and gush forth tears, sadness and anger intermingled. Our emotions alert us to what’s going on inside of us and how we’re experiencing the world, so they are helpful for everyday life.

Anger is a powerful emotion, one which can overwhelm us and even short-circuit our ability to think and act rationally. Anger can be ignited by anything, from an existential threat to you and your loved ones to an annoyance like stubbing your toe on a piece of raised concrete. We get angry when people challenge us, when we are taken advantage of, or when we see wrongdoing, and so much else.

Powerful emotions like anger need to be shepherded well because the consequences of letting anger run amok can be dire. So, while anger is a helpful emotion that alerts us to what we’re experiencing and what may need to be remedied, how one deals with that anger is of the utmost importance.

Below are a few signs of anger issues that may indicate you’re no longer in the driver’s seat, and your feelings of anger are in charge. If anger is an issue for you, don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional for help.

Seven signs of anger issues

1. You’re afraid of what will happen if you get angry.

Have you ever scared yourself because of how you reacted to a situation? For example, your child or spouse did something that annoyed you, and your reaction was so over the top that you found yourself shocked and scrambling to apologize and figure out where that reaction even came from.

People have deep wells of feeling within them, and they don’t always know what’s in those wells; sometimes, stuff comes gushing out that we struggle to make sense of. The Bible warns us, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9, ESV).

For you, maybe you struggle with the things you say and do when you’re angry, and you’re afraid of what might come out of you if you happen to get angry. If you’re afraid of your anger and what results from it, it may be a clear sign that you have anger issues.

2. Relationships have been destroyed because of your anger.

Ambrose Bierce , the short story writer, journalist, and poet once wrote, “Speak when you are angry, and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” Sometimes, the time between words spoken in anger and the feeling of regret is instant, and at other times it can take a lifetime to understand the damage caused by words spoken in anger.

Anger affects your ability to listen with empathy and make reasoned judgments. When you’re angry, you don’t always think about what you’re saying, and what you’re saying tends to be poorly thought out. In anger, we tend to generalize, leap to conclusions, and override the feelings and perspectives of others. All of this escalates conflict and damages relationships.

If relationships have been damaged because of your anger, it’s quite likely that you have anger issues. Whether you shouted at your spouse or kids, snapped at a client, gave a snarky retort to your neighbor, physically assaulted a friend, or spilled a long-held secret, anger may have led you to damage that relationship, perhaps irreparably.

3. You struggle to articulate your anger.

The thing to do with anger is to express it so that your feelings are acknowledged. It’s not good to either repress the feelings of anger or to express them in such a way that they cause physical or emotional damage to yourself or others.

Repressed anger, as well as passive-aggressive anger and violent expressions of anger, are equally destructive, though the first two are directed more internally, and the latter externally. You should be able to express your anger in a clear, assertive (not aggressive) way that doesn’t damage others along the way. If you can’t express your anger well, that’s also a sign of anger issues.

4. Your anger is disproportionate to the situation.

There isn’t a chart that lays out what a reasoned response to any given situation should be. That doesn’t mean that there is no such thing as an unreasonable or disproportionate response to a situation. Responding to someone cutting you off in traffic by pursuing them down the highway and then physically assaulting them should rank as an overreaction.

If the grocery store has run out of a particular product, it’s out of bounds to verbally assault a store employee or to damage store property. Getting into a fistfight with other patrons because the buffet ran out of steak or because a fast-food establishment ran out of a chicken sandwich is probably a reaction that’s disproportionate to the situation. It may indicate that you have anger issues.

5. You’ve been in trouble with the law.

If your anger has led you into situations and making decisions that got you in trouble with the law, that might also be a sign of anger issues. If your anger leads you to break the law because you’ve threatened violence, assaulted someone, or damaged property, that may be a sign that your anger has a hold over you.

6. You feel angry most or all of the time.

There is no shortage of things in the world to make a person angry. However, you can’t be angry all the time or allow things to get under your skin. If anger is the dominant emotion in your life, and you feel angry for many or most of your waking hours, or you’re constantly feeling impatient, irritated, and hostile, then you may have a problem with anger.

7. Your anger threshold is low.

What makes you angry? We’re all wired differently, and our experiences shape our temperaments in various ways. If you get angry quite easily and let things get to you without much provocation, you’ve got a low anger threshold. Having a low anger threshold isn’t problematic if you’re able to express that anger effectively and let things go.

However, because anger has a physiological effect, being angry a lot because you have a low anger threshold means that you’re putting your health at risk. Chronic anger increases your risk of stroke, it weakens your immune system, not to mention higher risks of high blood pressure, heart problems, headaches, skin disorders, and digestive problems.

Growing beyond the problem

Anger doesn’t have to maintain its hold on you. It is possible to overcome the devastating effects of uncontrolled anger. For one thing, you can begin to look at the challenging circumstances and people in your life through a different lens. Instead of dwelling on unpleasant experiences in the past and looking at things from a negative standpoint, there is a different way to go, as this quote reminds us:

Forget what hurt you in the past, but never forget what it taught you. However, if it taught you to hold onto grudges, seek revenge, not forgive or show compassion, to categorize people as good or bad, to distrust and be guarded with your feelings then you didn’t learn a thing.

God doesn’t bring you lessons to close your heart. He brings you lessons to open it, by developing compassion, learning to listen, seeking to understand instead of speculating, practicing empathy and developing conflict resolution through communication. If he brought you perfect people, how would you ever learn to spiritually evolve? – Shannon L. Alder

To overcome anger issues, it’s also important to look deeper, because anger can be caused by any number of things, from physiological processes such as chronic pain, hunger, fear, or panic. Anger can also be a symptom of a mental health issues such as depression, bipolar disorder, dementia, or Alzheimer’s.

An anger problem may also be rooted in childhood trauma, or there may be specific events in a person’s life that have given shape to their personality and how they react to situations. In some cases, hormonal changes can also cause anger. To get behind and beyond these possible causes, it’s important to speak with a health professional to eliminate these other causes.

A mental health professional can help you not only by diagnosing an issue with anger but also by helping you understand the root cause of the anger issues. Your story is unique, as are the resources you possess to deal with anger.

Your counselor will walk alongside you, helping you begin to recognize your anger triggers while giving you tools for anger management and strategies to cope with anger such as breathing exercises, regular exercise, and good sleep hygiene. They can help you begin repairing damage to relationships caused by anger and to begin walking in the joy and peace of the Lord. These words of David to the Lord can be true of you:

You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand – Psalm 16: 11, NIV

Instead of anger, you can know and experience joy, as that is what God desires for people. Reach out for counseling today to get help with overcoming anger issues.

Photos:
“Waterfall”, Courtesy of Joshua Sortino, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Waterfall”, Courtesy of Gabrielle Mustapich, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Waterfall”, Courtesy of Brayden Law, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Waterfall”, Courtesy of Rei Kim, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Relationship Advice for Men: How to Nurture Your Marriage and Avoid Adultery

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Marriage is a gift given to us by God. As James says in his letter, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” (James 1:17). Like all gifts, it is meant to be enjoyed, but unfortunately, it can also be taken for granted and not appreciated for its worth.

Marriage is the joining of two people into one flesh. “For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). This union is something that Paul called a “profound mystery” (Ephesians 5:32).

The sad reality is that there is such a thing as adultery, which ruptures relationships and causes pain for everyone involved, and it’s the one thing that’s an exception to the prohibition on getting divorced (Matthew 5:32).

Adultery violates the exclusivity of the marriage relationship and breaks the covenant between the two spouses and God. There is a variety of superficial reasons for marital unfaithfulness, including dissatisfaction, a lack of sex, or coldness, to name a few, and both men and women can commit adultery against their partners. How then can men, for their part, nurture their marriages and shore them up against adultery?

Relationship Advice for Men

Love and enjoy your wife

Throughout the Bible, many passages speak to husbands, telling them to love their wives. The most well-known of these is in Ephesians: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself…” (Ephesians 5:25, 33).

If the husband and his wife are now “one flesh,” as we pointed out earlier, it makes sense then, that for the man to love his wife is to love someone who has become part of himself. The letter to the Colossians says, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them” (Colossians 3:19).

Presumably, husbands being told to love their wives is something that needed to be said a few times. Loving your spouse means listening to them (really listening), being considerate of their needs, not keeping records of wrong, not being rude or self-seeking, seeking to protect and trust your spouse (1 Corinthians 13).

The Scriptures talk about enjoying one’s spouse. The Book of Proverbs puts it this way – “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer – may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.” (Proverbs 5:18-19). This short passage talks about rejoicing and being captivated by your wife.

This is something one must actively do. It doesn’t happen accidentally; it is a choice one must make daily. The “lover” in Song of Songs waxes lyrical, celebrating his beloved: “How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves.

Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead” (Song of Songs 4:1). And he goes on to talk about her teeth, her lips, her temples, her neck, and breasts. This is a man completely intoxicated by and besotted with his beloved. His attention is fixed on her, and no other.

Be wise – don’t look elsewhere

The flip side of this is when a husband’s attention and affections aren’t solely focused on his wife. In our internet age, this is all too common with porn and illicit chat rooms.

The verse we quoted earlier from Proverbs goes on: “Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers…Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man’s wife?” (Proverbs 5:15-17, 20).

Another passage warns “Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched? So is he who sleeps with another man’s wife” (Proverbs 6:27-29). Entering an intimate relationship with someone other than your wife can lead to tremendous pain for everyone involved; as alluring as it may seem, it’s just not worth it.

Infidelity isn’t just about sex, it can be about emotional connection too. Sometimes it may seem like someone at work is a better listener than your spouse, and you unburden your problems to her. That likely is crossing a boundary. It doesn’t have to become sexual before it becomes a problem.

How do you know your relationship with another woman is a problem? When you begin to hang out where you know you shouldn’t or send texts and messages you then proceed to hide from your wife or delete because you know the content is salacious or suggestive, there’s a problem. Deep emotional and physical bonds are meant to be forged with your spouse. Confide in a therapist, your pastor, or a relative, if speaking to your spouse about an issue is difficult.

In the book of wisdom called Proverbs, Wisdom is pictured as a woman who calls out in the street, urging people to heed her voice so they may live rich, full lives. Heed Wisdom’s call, and don’t be fooled – you’ll get burned if you seek emotional or physical succor elsewhere then your spouse.

“For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end, she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword” (Proverbs 5:3-4). Stolen kisses seem sweet, but there’s a price to pay. The detritus of such liaisons is often broken marriages, and children caught in the mess.

Mind who you hang with

Some friends. Are. The. Worst. They don’t encourage right behavior and instead enable their friend’s worst impulses. “Do not be misled,” Paul tells a young church, “Bad company corrupts good character” (1 Corinthians 15:33). Some friends won’t caution you when you’re going astray, nor will they invest in your marriage by encouraging you to be a better husband.

While such a move will likely be painful, for the sake of your marriage, the influence of such friends, which corrupts good morals, needs to dwindle. Rather, cultivate godly friendships that try to help you flourish in your marriage and other relationships.

The heart of the matter

The “lure” of other women starts in our own hearts and that’s where the issue of dissatisfaction must be addressed. In Matthew’s Gospel Jesus says, “…anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). The hard truth to confront is that temptation is not merely something out there, it’s something in us.

James puts it this way: “When tempted, no one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death” (James 1:13-15).

The hope we have is that “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it” (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Conclusion

By the grace of God, our mistakes are not etched in stone. Consulting with a Christian marriage counselor can help you open communication with your spouse, set boundaries with others, and nurture your marriage toward health. If you’re looking for additional relationship advice for men, feel free to contact me or one of the other counselors in the online counselor directory.

Photos:
“Fight”, Courtesy of Alex Green, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Piggy Back”, Courtesy of Josh Willink, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Praying”, Courtesy of Paulo Márcio Dos, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Wedding Socks”, Courtesy of Rene Asmussen, Pexels.com, CC0 License

Porn: The World’s Most Powerful Addiction

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Many people are praying to God, “HELP ME!” They are screaming inside of themselves for help with their addiction to pornography. Porn is the number one addiction in the world, way more than any drug or vice known to man. It does not take much research to learn that this industry is making hundreds of billions of dollars around the world.

Cell phones and the internet have made it easy for anyone to make a few clicks and be instantly connected with someone else. Pornography also has different channels of enticing many others, for example: collect calls with random call girls, strip clubs, movies, magazines, TikTok, apps, games, etc. Porn is not just on the internet, it is everywhere.

Unfortunately, this industry takes no prisoners and makes a fortune while at it. The porn industry is ruining marriages, getting professionals fired, hurting families’ finances, and destroying people’s faith. To discover what can we do about it we must understand why it is so powerful.

First, it involves other people. The truest form of intimacy is to be completely naked with someone else and spend time with them. Being naked with someone is the greatest form of invitation to connect with them and it produces chemicals in our bodies that create an emotional high.

In Genesis 2:15 the Bible reads “it is not good for man to be alone.” God tells us that we are designed to connect with others. God gave us social relationships to bond. He also gave us families to live with and create beautiful memories in the home. Marriage is, without a doubt, the most intimate relationship in the physical world.

Marriage is a bond where you know your spouse’s greatest strengths but also can see them in their most vulnerable state. That is why many want to be married because they want to cherish those moments with that special someone. Unfortunately, we at times can rely on vices to try to give us this “fix” to somehow replace that type of intimacy.

This is why porn is so addictive. It’s not like a substance with which you don’t have an emotional bond with. If your substance is spilled or broken, you may get mad, but you just go ahead and buy some more. But the emotional bond that you can get with seeing someone else naked and in a vulnerable sex position is bizarrely bonding.

I can speak from a man’s point of view that men who are addicted to porn have a tough time bonding with anyone. While they spend hours involved in their vice, they do not realize that they are losing connection with others.

So, what can we do? Connect with the same gender consistently and constantly. In 2 Samuel 11, you will read the story of King David who took time off from his busy military campaign. He sent his army to go off to battle while he remained in the palace all alone. We know from Genesis that it’s not good for man to be alone.

So having idle time, he goes out wandering and notices a beautiful woman bathing. She is naked and David is struck by that vulnerable connection. What King David should’ve done is go back inside his home and be sexually intimate with Abigail, his wife. They were married in 1 Samuel 25. It’s a wonderful and beautiful love story.

But David is not content over the many years of battle. He is worn down and tired. No one can blame him for taking some time off. However, this move by David was selfish because not only did he have wives, but he also had many concubines. 2 Samuel 5:13 tells us that David had both concubines and wives who bore him sons and daughters. This man was having lots of sex.

Why did he want to sleep with Bathsheba? A conqueror always wants to conquer more – they are never satisfied. They could be satisfied with God, their family, and themselves. But when we are giving ourselves over to our vices, we are communicating that we are unsatisfied. We think we are incomplete – not whole.

David was not completely satisfied. His greed wanted more. This mirrors greatly how individuals get addicted to porn. Fifteen minutes leads to one hour. One hour is not enough and that ends up to multiple hours. Then it turns into an entire day and then sadly to a lifetime. Why do you think people can’t just give it up?

The real reason is that the mind has been trained to be reliant on false images in an emotional way. Emotions are fire and they guide us so powerfully. A nation can change by having empathy for one incident. A nation can go into war because they learned of something that triggered the government.

I once saw a movie called Equilibrium that whose premise was if we had no emotions then there would be no more wars and murder. Maybe so. But who wants to live an emotionless life? Nobody. We all want to be free to live our lives as we want. However, emotions can lead us astray and we must break that cycle.

I mentioned in the earlier two paragraphs that getting help from the same gender is key. In 2 Samuel 12, God sends Nathan, a prophet, to correct David’s way of thinking. Why not send a woman? Or a family member? Remember that David involved his “secret service” and his main generals so who would stand up to this mighty King? A man of God. That’s who.

A man of God will help another man become a man of God. This is key in many support groups dealing with addiction because you can’t have a mixed-gender group talking about porn addiction. It wouldn’t be appropriate. Men wouldn’t feel comfortable describing their fetishes with another woman when an actual woman is staring right at them.

It wouldn’t work. So, a man would need another man to listen, confirm and challenge him as part of his sobriety plan. Same for a woman though. A woman shouldn’t be open to a man about her struggles watching porn online. It wouldn’t be a productive talk. A woman may be best suited to talk to another woman to get help. Don’t get me wrong. It’s wonderful for spouses to support each other in their struggles. But it’s best to leave the heavy lifting to the same gender.

Same-gender help is crucial. David would only have listened to a man who had deeper convictions than him. Earlier in King David’s life, he had such a friend by the name of Jonathan. Jonathan and David had many adventures together as they were more than brothers. The bond these men had was unbreakable only by death. Sadly, Jonathan is killed in battle and David mourns for him.

In 2 Samuel 1:25-26 David states “I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother, you were very dear to me, your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women”. You see that David’s heart is real and open about how close these men were. They were born in battle. The wars and adventures they fought there together helped them respect each other to a point where their bond was so tight that no one could interfere.

Just like David we are all capable of having such deep and rich friendships. It takes a lot of work. It’s not easy to be in battles day in and day out. However, if we decide to join in battle with one another then we can help each other have victories.

What great battle is there like the war with porn addiction? It’s a beast. Humiliating, depressing, sad, and hopeless. Therefore, we need those Jonathans in our lives to help us grieve, process, and seek help to overcome our issues. We cannot overcome porn addiction on its own. We need help and not just any help, but the help from someone who is the same gender that is willing to keep us accountable.

This is challenging because we don’t want to be called to a different standard, so we want to keep those defenses up. However, in my many years as a professional, and can only tell you that the secret to the success of many leaving this addiction behind is simply getting constant and consistent training from someone who has deep convictions on this issue.

Don’t expect to get much help from someone who is struggling with the same thing. They can be an encouragement and support, but the true catalyst will be the one with deep conviction because they’ve proved themselves capable of staying sober. We need to learn from them and follow in their footsteps. That is the way we are going to get out of this pit.

My question to you is, who is your Jonathan in your life? Maybe you’re not the one who’s addicted but you want to help. Are you someone that can help others? If so, set up a support group and invite people to learn. Please feel free to use this as a launching pad to start helping others who are enslaved to this vice.

If you are looking for someone else, find out if there’s a group, a minister, or a mentor who can help your friend out. This issue is not only for men. My wife, who helps counsel and mentor women, has told me that women are falling into this trap as well. My wife doesn’t tell me specifics or mentions names of course but she tells me that she is shocked to learn that many women are also dealing with this.

According to Psychology Today, statistics say that about 45% of women watch pornography with their partner and about 35% percent on their own. The thing with watching porn once though is that with or without a partner, the craving continues, and once is not enough. It is spiritual cancer that destroys men’s and women’s lives all over the world. That’s the bad news.

The good news is that it can be overcome with help – help in form of the same-gender partnering with those people to have victories in their lives. Let’s not look down on men because that won’t help. Let’s also not look down on women for struggling.

Let’s help one another to get to the root of the issue, which is accountability. We need best friends to talk to and be open. That’s the definition of true intimacy. We want to know and be known, so let’s practice it and marvel at the changes we see in their lives. Then they will see no need for fake intimacy when they can experience the real thing. God Bless!

Photos:
“Anguish”, Courtesy of Alex Iby, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Laptop”, Courtesy of Glenn Carstens-Peters, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Weighed Down”, Courtesy of Jon Tyson, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Romantic Sunset”, Courtesy of Nathan Dumlao, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Causes of Depression: Relational and Spiritual Perspectives

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Depression is one of the most commonly occurring mental health issues. In fact, the World Health Organization reports that about 5% of men and 9% of women experience symptoms of depression in any given year. In this article, we will explore depression from a traditional medical point of view. We will also examine the relational, spiritual, and faith-related aspects and causes of depression consistent with biblical Scripture.

Presently, we are experiencing an unprecedented time of challenging circumstances. This pesky virus along with mandated social isolation and limitations placed upon individuals is upsetting to many. When we add into this situation an increase in responsibility with fewer resources available in terms of income and services, we have a hotbed for an increase in symptoms of depression and other serious mental health issues.

Sometimes depression occurs for the first time due to a hardship or situation. I would not be surprised to discover a much higher number of both males and females suffering with symptoms of depression and/or an increase in the level of negative symptoms in pre-existing cases.

Causes of Depression

There are a variety of causes of depression and reasons why people become depressed. A mixture of genetics, brain chemistry, and family history each play a role in developing depression. Certain individuals may have a biological predisposition for developing mood issues when faced with overwhelming stressors.

When ample distress has been added to a pre-existing vulnerability, a person is likely to become troubled in areas of mood regulation with symptoms ranging from anxiety to depression or a combination of both.

Underlying medical conditions (such as hormonal or thyroid issues), use of medications or substance abuse (prescription medication, alcohol, marijuana), a lack of adequate nutrition or physical activity, and any pre-existing addictions may all lead to or exacerbate symptoms of depression.

Family history also plays a part in developing depression. For example, research studies indicate that having a grandparent as well as a parent with depression doubles the likelihood of an onset of depression at some point in one’s lifetime.

Experiences of childhood neglect and abuse may also predispose a person to the development of depression at some point during the life span. Secrets and lies are contributors to depression even if you are the only one who knows what you are doing.

Symptoms of Depression

There is a wide range of assorted symptoms involved in each individual experience of depression. Each person will have a different combination of symptoms which fit one or more types or patterns of depressions.

A person may experience feelings of sadness, emptiness, or hopelessness, fearfulness, irritable mood, or loss of pleasure in all or most daily tasks. Others may experience a loss of interest in sexual intimacy, significant changes in weight, sleep disturbance, significant changes in eating patterns (either loss of appetite or overeating), feelings of agitation or restlessness, or a loss of energy.

Some may experience feelings of worthlessness, difficulty concentrating, recurrent thoughts of death. However, in addition to having several of the above symptoms, an actual diagnosis of depression requires noticeable impairment in one or more areas of life, such as employment problems or problems at home.

Types of Depression

Depression can occur in shorter term episodes or be long lasting. Sometimes depression is accompanied with sadness, anxiety, or extreme changes in mood. Depression can also alternate with manic episodes. In extreme cases, a major depression can be accompanied by psychosis. Depression with psychosis can be caused by substance abuse or arise from a particularly challenging and overwhelming set of circumstances.

Once the root causes of depression are identified, the therapeutic remedy follows the root. Solutions offered are often tied to the mental health professional’s understanding of the nature of depression. One’s professional paradigm or viewpoint often tends to determine the type of treatment prescribed.

For example, a psychiatrist is likely to prescribe medications to address and enhance neurotransmitter functioning. A fitness-oriented mental health professional may focus upon your lifestyle and nutrition as a possible culprit in ongoing depression. In my practice, I take into consideration many possibilities of origin and then match the treatment to the individual’s needs and desires.

Relational and Spiritual Aspects of the Causes of Depression

Relational risks

There are both interpersonal risks as well as intrapersonal risks which contribute to the development of depression. While the word “interpersonal” denotes interactions between two or more individuals, the word “intrapersonal” refers to our relationship within ourselves. Intrapersonal relationship dynamics are often misunderstood or overlooked but are clinically significant contributors to mental health problems.

The most common intrapersonal cause of depression is a pattern of saying “yes” when you genuinely feel inclined to say “no.” Such behavior is an example of self-betrayal, which is not something God asks of us. In fact, when we are following Scriptural guidance our choices will be made from a place of love and not a place of fearful control.

Overriding your intuitive sense of what is occurring or neglecting to determine whether something asked of you is in your best interest undermines and destroys intimacy. This is because a foundation of trust is necessary to establish and maintain healthy intimate relationships. A pattern of ongoing self-betrayal is a recipe for relational disaster. This is one of the first things I pay attention to when getting to know a new client.

Another relational risk contributing to depression occurs when you have a pattern of spending time in the company of people you genuinely dislike or who are unkind or unsafe for you.

Do you tend to over give without receiving in a reciprocal fashion over time? Do you find it difficult to speak up when something matters to you? Is it difficult for you to make your preferences, opinions, and needs a priority?

Are you able to fairly, yet firmly, inform others when you have hit a personal limit or want to establish a boundary to protect your best interest? Difficulties in any of these areas may be fueling or feeding symptoms of depression.

Spiritual risks

Making fear and anxiety-based decisions from your head that do not take into consideration the wisdom and knowledge of your body can lead to anxiety and depression.

It is therefore of utmost importance to be involved in an ongoing process of being changed by the renewing of your mind through exposing yourself to truthful and accurate streams of information, such as reading your Bible on a regular basis and attending services wherein the Word of God is spoken. God tells us to be “transformed by the renewing of our minds,” which involves placing yourself in front of reliable sources of truth.

“Do not copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” – Romans 12:2, NLT

Spiritual causes of mental health concerns often involve a kind of misalignment with truth and honor. When we tune into the fearful channel of deception or repeatedly behave in ways that violate our own sense of right and wrong, we become unable to see, hear, or discern truth. Then we tend resort to ill-advised attempts at controlling others, becoming even more small-minded in the process of manipulation.

Maybe during times of disagreement, we tend to resort to sarcastic puts downs of self and others. Or perhaps we engage in name calling, use exaggeration, portray a sense of entitlement, or are generally unsafe people in relationship with others. The antidote to this kind of depression is to root out deception and tune into the faith channel made available to each of us by the grace and mercy of God.

Lifestyle Risks

Other often overlooked contributors to depression include what I refer to as lifestyle risks. As previously mentioned in this article, alcohol and substance abuse contribute to the likelihood of developing depression, as do addictions such as gambling, pornography, binge eating or substance abuse, and prescription medications. Behaving badly, dishonoring agreements, a lack of proper and adequate self-care, being involved in deception, and living a secret life are all ingredients in a recipe for mood disorders and especially symptoms of depression.

Christian Counseling for Depression

In summary, there can be many different causes of a depressed mood and sometimes it may not be preventable. Other causes of depression could be situational or related to loss.

In my clinical practice, we will first look for any biological basis for your pattern of symptoms. From there, we will also examine your lifestyle and nutritional habits. Then we will carefully examine your relationships with others, yourself, and God for areas of misalignment. Please come back next month to read a follow-up article addressing the treatment and resolution of depression from a faith-based perspective.

Feel free to contact me or one of the other practitioners listed in the counselor directory to schedule an appointment.

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“Alone,” courtesy of Jude Beck, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Solo beach walk,” courtesy of Saksham Gangwar, unsplash.com, CC0 License 

Christian Counseling for Effective Anger Management

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Anger is a powerful emotion that can cause us to behave very irrationally. When we fail to control or channel it constructively, it can also be exceedingly damaging both to us and those around us. However, not all anger manifests as emotional outbursts and violence.

Some people struggle with deep-rooted anger that is just constantly bubbling under the surface and is invisible to the naked eye. However, this is also very damaging to emotional and physical health, and will eventually lead to a massive outburst, or long-term issues, that will fail to be resolved until the underlying anger is taken care of.

So, while not all anger issues look the same from the outside, they each need dealing with effectively to ensure free living and healthy relationships and that’s where anger management therapy can come into play.

What is Anger Management Therapy All About?

Anger management therapy sessions can take place in a variety of settings. One of the most popular is to engage in therapy within a group. Indeed, it is possible to attain greater insight into your own anger when expressing your struggles in the presence of others who may be experiencing the same thing.

Simply acknowledging how you feel, and having others do the same, can be an extremely cathartic experience and may act as a springboard to dealing with your anger issues.

In addition, hearing from others who may be dealing with very similar struggles can be a great encouragement to those who feel they are alone and isolated in their difficulties. Knowing that others are battling the same issues can be incredibly energizing as you seek to address the problem and move into greater health.

Remember, you are never excluded from getting help for your anger issues. There are no “entry criteria” that you must meet in order to be accepted into a group therapy setting, for example. You also don’t need to be at a crisis point in order to seek out help.

Too often, people think that they only need anger management therapy if they are having regular outbursts of rage and are “out of control.” Of course, there may be people who need urgent intervention, but those who are struggling with consistently angry thoughts must also feel confident to reach out for help.

That being said, issues of anger may be varied in nature dependent upon age, situation and life stage. For example, a couple entering anger management therapy may find themselves dealing with unhealthy responses and reactions to each other which are making marriage increasingly unsustainable. However, a child with anger issues may be using the anger to mask an underlying issue, or because they are unable to adequately express their feelings or emotions.

When Should I Seek Anger Management Therapy?

Perhaps you can see that your anger is affecting those closest to you, or that your underlying issues are causing you to burst out in irrational behavior on a regular basis these could be clear indicators that it would be wise to seek out help in this area. If you feel as if your anger is growing uncontrollably, it could certainly be time to reach out to a counselling service for assistance.

Often times, there are underpinned emotions related to anger, such as sadness, frustration, and deep-rooted pain. Expressing anger is a common way of pasting over these feelings. However, true freedom will only be found when the root cause is identified and thoroughly dealt with through the appropriate form of therapy.

It can be difficult to recognize the anger issues that might be plaguing your life and relationships. If you have experienced anger for a number of years, it may be almost impossible to identify the behaviors without expert help.

While you might be blind to it, others may see the evidence of the unresolved issues in your life that are causing unrelenting anger to develop. It is worth listening to those closest to you with regards to your behavior, though this can sometimes be difficult to hear!

Often times, people deal with anger in unhealthy ways, even attempting to numb their feelings with certain addictive behaviors. This can also become very detrimental to the person and their close relationships all the more reason to deal with the root issues.

As Christians, we also believe that anger is something that can be wildly corrosive to the spiritual life of an individual. Indeed, the unhealthy habit of harboring anger against others is also addressed in the Scriptures.

Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry. – Ephesians 4:26

The Bible also instructs us to be “slow to anger,” which can be incredibly difficult to achieve if we are harboring deep-seated issues that are evoking an angry response within us. It’s like a bottle of soda being shaken up and down eventually, the top is going to blow off!

As Christians, we should have our anger in check at all times. Of course, there are things in this world which may cause you to feel “righteous anger” of some kind, but this is not the most common type of rage that people struggle with.

God wants us to be peace-filled human beings who are slow to get angry with others, and therapy may be a good avenue through which to access this greater freedom.

Anger Management for Kids

Children who are experiencing serious anger issues are often suffering from underlying mental health problems. A few examples of these may be conduct disorder, disruptive mood regulation disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, and adjustment disorder.

As such, anger management therapy may be very beneficial to them as they figure out the root of the problems they are having with their emotional health. Often times, anger issues in children will lead them to act out in certain ways through starting fights, being disobedient, fighting against authority or even damaging property.

It is often a good idea for children to start therapy in a family setting so that siblings or parents are given the opportunity to gain some basic insight into the person’s behavior, what is behind it and how to react to it. It is also important for families to address this issue before the behavior gets out of control and becomes damaging for the person and those around them.

Of course, kids who have been diagnosed with specific anger issues may benefit greatly from therapy that seeks to address how to deal with and understand the behavior. However, other children, such as those who have experienced trauma or neglect, may find themselves in the midst of complex anger about their life experiences and may feel as if they are without any way of processing their thoughts and emotions.

Anger management therapy can be a highly effective treatment and can function well as a preventative measure to deal with anger-induced behavior before it spirals out of control.

What are Some Key Anger Management Techniques?

Certain anger management techniques may be utilized before the person begins to exhibit the damaging behaviors, and some may be drawn upon once the anger has begun to manifest itself. However, all forms of anger management are geared towards helping people understand their feelings and change their reactions.

One way of tackling anger is to really get to the root of what is triggering such a visceral emotional response. Some triggers may be more avoidable than you think, and may simply require a bit of extra forethought.

For example, if you find yourself getting uncontrollably angry at other road users when you are stuck in traffic and late for work, you might consider leaving thirty minutes earlier. This way, the stress trigger of being late for work is eradicated, and you are therefore less likely to get angry at fellow motorists and thus less likely to cause an accident.

If your anger is constantly directed towards those close to you, it might be worth looking at the state of your interpersonal communication.

Anger between individuals is often caused by misunderstanding and an inability to communicate with clarity. As such, it can be incredibly beneficial to define the lines of communication and ensure that you are addressing the person in a clear and concise manner.

Sometimes, it is simply a matter of taking a few moments to ask a couple of simple questions such as, “I am not sure I quite understood what you said, could you say that again?” or “I think I heard you, but I am not sure what you mean by that. Could you explain it a bit further for me?”

Often, if these conversations are done correctly and in a calm manner, any building anger will dissipate and you will save yourself a huge amount of stress!

Sometimes, however, situations in our lives which are out of our control may cause a spike in unavoidable anger. At these times, it is important to have an emotional toolbox to draw upon in response. It is about figuring out what works for you: listening to your favorite music, playing some sport, going for a walk or talking with a friend.

Some of these things may work for certain individuals and not for others. The goal is to find the things that work for you and help melt away the anger!

Anger is a very normal human emotion. However, if left untamed, it can become incredibly destructive and damaging both to yourself and the people around you. As such, anger management techniques, administered by a trained therapist, can offer help that could be absolutely life-changing.

So, if you are struggling with a perpetual sense of anger and frustration that is affecting your life in a significant way, make sure to book an appointment with a therapist who specializes in anger management, and begin your journey into a new sense of freedom and joy!

Photos:
“Campfire”, Courtesy of Volha Krayeva, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Catch me”, Courtesy of Noah Buscher, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Angry Enough to Kill”, Courtesy of WenPHotos, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Overlook”, Courtesy of Mc7000, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

Got Anger Issues? Find Hope in these Bible Verses about Anger

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It’s not uncommon to get angry from time to time, but when anger leads to self-harm, sin, or the harm of others, it’s a problem.

In the Bible, we see God experience and express anger. Anger directed in the right place can often be very helpful. We should be angered by the corruption, violence, sin, and abuse that goes on in the world. It’s a basic emotion, but it’s an emotion that can harm our brains and bodies in addition to harming other people and we’re told to get rid of it.

So, how do you know if your anger is a problem or causing harm?

Answer a few of these questions:

  • Has your anger caused you to sin?
  • Has your anger interfered with a relationship?
  • Is your anger keeping you from experiencing peace? From sleeping? From forgiving someone?
  • Is your anger interfering with your work or your ability to focus on a project?
  • Do you yell, lash out, or get violent when you get angry?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, we want to give you some Scriptures on anger to help you overcome it God’s way.

You CAN experience freedom from your anger issues.

You may feel like your anger is a knee-jerk reaction and you cannot control it, but in the following Scriptures, you’ll find truth and encouragement to help you manage your anger and maintain self-control.

10 Bible Verses About Anger Issues

Let’s look at anger in the Bible. We’ve scoured Scripture and identified the Bible verses we believe are great sources of support for overcoming anger issues.

But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. – Colossians 3:8

We mentioned that, as Christians, we’re called to rid ourselves of anger. So while it can be natural to experience “righteous” anger, the Bible instructs us to get rid of it. You might think to yourself: My anger doesn’t hurt anyone; what’s the big deal.

Even if you think your anger is not hurting anyone, it is proven that it hurts your body and brain. Regardless of that, however, God commands us to get rid of it. Now that we’ve laid the foundation and know that anger should not be an emotion we hold on to, let’s look at some more Scripture.

For man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. – James 1:20

This Scripture is a reminder that anger does not draw towards a righteous life or help anyone be made more like Christ. If you hold on to anger, it’s important to remind yourself that anger is not achieving for you that which God desires and it’s not serving your life. In our feelings of righteousness, we often hold on to anger, but this verse clearly states that anger actually makes us less righteous.

In your anger do not sin: do not let the sun go down while you are still angry and do not give the devil a foothold. – Ephesians 4:26-27

This verse affirms that anger itself is not a sin, but that it can be destructive and lead to sin. It also confirms that prolonged anger is not good and dwelling on anger which often leads to days of “the cold shoulder,” bitterness, and unforgiveness is not God’s design. We’re not to end a day or go to sleep still holding on to anger.

Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools. – Ecclesiastes 7:9

Anger in the Bible is depicted as residing in the laps of fools. Those who are easily provoked and quick to anger are prone to make foolish ways.

Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city. – Proverbs 16:32

This Scripture esteems patience and self-control two fruits of the Spirit that a person prone to anger often does not exercise.

Do not make friends with a hot tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered. – Proverbs 22:24

Through the Scriptures above, it’s very clear that God calls us to be slow to anger and not to associate with those easily angered. It’s also clear that He does not want us to hold onto our anger for prolonged periods of time in His instruction not to let the sun go down on our anger. We’re to release it within the same day we experience it.

Bible Verses about Overcoming Anger

Now, let’s look at some Scripture that gives insight into just how to release anger. It’s one thing to know what the Bible says about anger, it’s another to have actionable steps from the Bible about how to overcome it.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. – Colossians 3:12-13

To “put on” is to practice or exercise. To combat anger, practice the opposite of it. Begin practicing compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Begin forgiving to a greater measure.

But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self control. Against such things, there is no law. – Galatians 5:22-23

The fruit of the spirit are not duties or merely virtues to possess. They stem from fellowship and communion with God. Spend time in prayer, worship, and Bible reading and watch as your anger is replaced with patience, gentleness, and self-control.

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. – Ephesians 2:22-24

To overcome anger, it’s important to remember that you are made new in Christ. You must actively change your attitude by dwelling not on your anger or replaying an offence over and over, but by dwelling on the fact that your old self is a thing of the past and God has laid out for you a way to behave and respond in true righteousness and holiness just like Him.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. – 2 Corinthians 10:5

Take captive every angry thought and stop fueling anger by demolishing any justifications or “proof” you have as to why you have a right to feel the way you do.

To recap, what does the Bible say about anger issues?

  • You should not hold onto anger for longer than a day
  • It resides in the lap of fools
  • Do not associate with those easily angered
  • Don’t let your anger cause you to sin
  • Anger does not lead to a righteous life
  • A patient person is better than a warrior and a person with self-control is better than a person who can garner control over an entire city

When you understand that anger does not serve you and is unhealthy to your body, mind, spirit, and relationships, the first step to overcoming it is to spend more time in communion with God through prayer, worship, and Bible reading.

It’s through that time that the fruit of the Spirit will become evident in your life, so that rather than anger, you’ll start to respond with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control.

Christian Counseling for Anger Issues

If you find yourself easily angered and falling into destructive patterns in your life and relationships because of it, save this link and return to it again and again when you need God’s support.

A Christian Counselor can also be a great support in helping you understand your anger issues and find the right strategies so you can actively choose to operate from a different place. Contact us to learn more about our Christian Counseling for anger management.

Featured photo:
“Storm,” courtesy of Casey Horner, unsplash.com, CC0 License

Anger Management Exercises: Find the Path to Peace

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Is anger putting a strain on your relationships, damaging any self-respect you have left, and taking a toll on your peace? This article will present some sound anger management exercises to help you manage your anger and finally walk in the joy of self-control.

Acquire a Box of Tools and Use Them

Taking a time-out

A good number of individuals with extreme anger issues say that their rage usually surges from of 0 to 60 in a matter of mere seconds.

When their anger is at its peak, rational thinking just doesn’t happen. Because of that, taking a time-out is usually the best remedy so that foolish and irrational behavior doesn’t happen and destructive, cruel words are not uttered.

If you find yourself riled up and anger is swelling, these activities can help you settle down during your time-out:

  • Don’t speak until you think. Often times, it is not so much what it is that you actually say, it is the manner in which you say it. When you take time to consider your response to the matter that has angered you, it is helpful to also think whether it would be pleasing to God, conducive to your relationship and if it is respectful. Writing your response down is very helpful so you can take it at face value and so you don’t change it around in your own head.
  • Explore possible solutions. No matter what situation you are in, brainstorming possible solutions can help you see the situation more clearly. Ask for God’s help in having thoughts that are not confined to your own box and those that are in your comfort zone.
  • Keep notes. It is a good idea to employ the use of a worksheet that tracks your emotional incidents and pinpoint within your writing such things as your thoughts, emotions, needs, desires, errors, and any useful strategies you might use to overcome. Chart the progress you make too. It will encourage you to see how far you have come.
  • Taking a walk works wonders. You might be surprised how much it can help. No matter if it’s a walk down the street, through the woods, or up a mountain, it gets you out and away from where you are and can greatly promote problem-solving deep thinking. Aerobic activities have been proven to release endorphins which enhance your mood so that is another plus.
  • Try listening to music that is soothing such as instrumental tunes or Christ-focused music. Lie down or sit comfortably so the tunes can calm your mind. Fix your thoughts upon Jesus and see how your mood changes.
  • Take a shower or a bath. Just the sensory experience has the ability to soothe you and to relieve stress. It also gives you some time and space to think of positive ways to make wise choices you can make.

Recognize early stage warning signs

In order to be able to implement a time-out and to use tools to help you successfully and constructively deal with your anger issue, you will need to become aware of the mental, personal, and biological signals you put off. If you don’t know the warning signs that take place before a melt-down, you will not have time to employ the use of your tools.

Pay very close attention to all the things you note about your thoughts and feelings prior to your melt-down stage, be sure to record those things so you can take preventive action in future cases.

Below are some indicators that are common to those who have issues with anger:

  • Teeth grinding and jaw clenching
  • Shaking
  • Clenched fists
  • Feeling hot and sweating
  • Stomach ache
  • Headache
  • Accelerated heart rate
  • Red face
  • Heavy breathing
  • Yelling and screaming
  • Pacing
  • Blank mind
  • Hurling insults
  • Obsessions concerning the problem at hand
  • Feel like breaking, hitting, or throwing, or breaking things

Engaging in physical activity

Taking part in a physical activity distracts your brain from the problem at hand and also discharges energy and diminishes the stress hormones which are produced when anger is present. It also helps release negative emotions. Riding a bike, jogging, building something, working out, playing sports, and hiking are examples of things you might consider doing.

Use distraction methods

When you find something that you can do in order to distract your mind from what it is you are angry over, your autonomic nervous part in your body will have the opportunity to recover. You can cook, talk to a friend, work in the garden, go see a movie, or take work on a hobby. What you chose to do really doesn’t matter as long as it is able to redirect your thoughts.

Practice relaxation techniques

Many Christ-centered counselors suggest the popular methods below to help their clients relax:

  • Breathing deep. One exercise that is considered to be very effective is to take in slow breaths through your nostrils while counting slowly to five, then to exhale through your mouth while counting to seven, then once again repeating over again and over again, until you find yourself relaxed. You should focus on your breathing which will help distract your thoughts from your anger.
  • Progressive relaxation. The technique of progressively relaxing involves the slow and systematic tensing then releasing of areas of your body however long it takes until you are fully relaxed.
  • Stretching and yoga. Yoga is known to relax your mind and body as is stretching. You are sure to find a myriad of resources available for learning both if you look online.
  • Thought-stopping and imagery. Commonly referred to as going to your solace or happy place, this tool can be implemented to help you take your thoughts captive as the Bible tells us to do. Picture being in your favorite spot. Think of pleasant situations. Eliminate the scrambled, negative thoughts in your head and relax your body and your mind.

Journal

Putting your feelings and thoughts down on paper is very therapeutic. It helps put things into perspective. Those who have problems with rage often see things out of proportion. Writing in a journal can offer the chance to physiologically calm down a notch and to steer stray and negative thoughts into a more constructive and positive direction.

You might try what is called a three-pronged journaling approach. The first step is to acknowledge your angry feelings by venting. Try to get in touch with the emotions that are associated with your anger like fear and hurt.

Next, begin to look to God for answers. The more you meditate and note the promises God has given you, the more your notes will reflect positive solutions and hope. Then, practice gratefulness by listing all the good things in your life. In other words, count your blessings. Look back on your past writings as you continue writing new entries. You will find it is life changing.

Getting to the Cause of the Anger Within

When your anger begins to rear its ugly head, use the tools in your toolbox. It is imperative to find out where your anger is stemming from and why it tends to become unmanageable. Soul searching will help immensely.

Make a fearless and searching inventory

By taking a fearless inventory of your morals, you are able to take a really good, honest look inside yourself. You can see where your intents are good and when they are not so good. It is easy to be fooled but when you get down to business you won’t be able to deny the truth.

Then you can let God clean house and get rid of the things in your life that do not belong there like resentments and pride. He will replace them with such things as love, joy, peace, and happiness. Forgiveness will often need to be sought after taking such an inventory.

Practice listening effectively

Individuals who have short fuses and who are chronically angry often fall into a habit of supporting their angry thoughts and feelings by hearing what they want to hear when listening to what others are saying, rather than really hearing what it is the other person is actually saying. Here are some listening skills that can help:

  • Practice empathy. Try to picture yourself in the shoes of the other individual so you can begin to imagine how they feel.
  • Intently and intentionally listen for important information so you can stop filtering out things, consciously or subconsciously. This will keep you from jumping to conclusions.
  • Check to see if you have a real perspective of what the other person is saying. Try to understand their viewpoint, even when you disagree.

Look for the humor

Have you ever thought about lightening up a bit when you are angry? Anger usually involves a lot of overreacting. You tend to look and act ridiculous. Why not find the humor and just crack up laughing rather than exploding in anger?

Learn to be assertive

A lot of people become angry because of passiveness. They never seem to let others know what they really think and feel or what they really want and need. When you learn to express such things, you will begin to feel freer and less angry. Setting some healthy boundaries and keeping them is a good assertive practice too. Why not try it?

Practicing good self-care

When you aren’t taking proper care of yourself and your own needs, it’s easy to fall victim to anger issues. It is imperative to pay attention to these areas to keep your anger from getting out of control:

  • Eat right
  • Get adequate sleep
  • Be social and nurture relationships
  • Get regular physical exercise
  • Relax and rest
  • Do things you enjoy
  • Exercise regularly
  • Keep your relationship with God active and alive

Live your life agreeably

In times that we act or think in wrong ways, an inner turmoil is bound to follow. Anger management that really works takes work. It requires self-assessment on a regular basis and also requires that you line your values and actions up.

Seeking the help of God & standing on His Holy Word

Lack of control over your anger is often a very stubborn problem. Those who struggle may say that the tools received in therapy are not effective. They long for a cure-all pill instead – an easier, softer way of dealing with it. What we all are in desperate need of is the Holy Spirit’s power.

The tools detailed above cannot be effective if you don’t initiate and practice them. Asking for help from The Great Physician is necessary for experiencing true victory. Just ask Jesus to reveal the root of your anger and lead you in the path of righteousness and deliverance. Be sure to read the Bible with an open heart and cling to God’s word.

There are many times that living in this fallen world will present opportunities to become angry. Did you know that anger is actually an emotion God gave us that signifies something is not right? What we are angry about may have a legitimate cause, in which case, God instructs us not to sin though we are angry (Ephesians 4:26). On the other hand, our perception may be off, in which case we are to “put aside…anger” (Colossians 3:8).

If you find that anger is causing problems in your life, reach out to a Christian counselor who can give you the support and help you need to learn and make use of the tools above.

Photos:
“Angry Man”, Courtesy of Pixabay, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Angry Enough to Kill”, Courtesy of WenPHotos, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Write in Journal,” Courtesy of Walt Stoneburner, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2,0); “Hide My Face”, Courtesy of MMckein, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

What is Emotional Abuse? Causes, Effects, and Recovery

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There are many types of abuse, but emotional abuse is in a category of its own. This type of abuse includes a number of ways to abuse others – as a parent, a child, a co-worker, and so forth. At Newport Beach Christian Counseling, there are expert counselors who are available to help recover from the varied results of emotional abuse.

Most emotional abuse seems to accompany parental neglect or emotional assault in some form or another, but because each person is unique, therapy can be different for each patient. Everyone is wired in an individual way, so an abusive history will impact each individual differently.

While one person may take cruel judgments from others, knowing the abuser is in the wrong and suffering no hurt, another person may take the situation in another direction entirely; reacting with self-hatred and despondency, while another reacts with openly aggressive angry behavior.

That is a simplified picture of how abuse affects individuals, but it points out how each person suffers equally but in their own unique way.

What is Emotional Abuse?

When another behaves in a snide, demeaning way on a consistent basis, eventually the person it is directed toward begins to believe that the abusive comments are true. If it is a parent constantly telling a child that they will never amount to anything, or calling them stupid, fat, or a host of other belittling statements, they are being abusive.

It can simply be a sneering or disgusted look from members of the family, downgrading the simple presence of the abused person, eventually making every encounter uncomfortable or even physically painful.

Shaming, belittling, and consistent denigration are forms of emotional abuse. This treatment can come from anyone, whether from family or their friends to a person’s classmates, peers, boss or a co-worker.

Anything that aims to make us fearful, makes us feel crazy or dirty, useless, or hopeless is considered emotional abuse.

How Abuse Starts

Abuse can start as early as from birth. A newborn grows his/her sense of self from how he/she is treated from the start. From the very first moment of life, children turn to the person who feeds them or protects them. This is the person they trust, and therefore, whose opinion is irrefutably more important than any other. This emotional structure is likely to be the root of the problem many people face.

If the person or persons we trust most are abusive or belittling toward us, we begin to believe the words, feeling that the abuse is deserved. A trusted person who yells, threatens, or shames us on a regular basis will eventually teach us that only negative responses make sense. The abuse has come full circle, and the abused begin to validate the toxic information by believing it is deserved. Some of the abusive words can include some of the following:

“If you’d quit eating so much junk food, you wouldn’t be so fat,” when in fact, it is simply that the child is experiencing a growth spurt. The child believes they are fat after it is said to them often enough, and they may begin to miss meals, thinking that cutting down on food will make them acceptable to the toxic parent. When they are not complimented or even acknowledged after losing weight, the behavior continues and the child becomes anorexic.

“If you weren’t so worthless, you’d have friends,” brings the victim to believe they are dirty and unable to deserve happiness. They become withdrawn and stop taking care of their appearance; in effect, encouraging the people around them to avoid them entirely.

“I’m so sick and tired of you. I wish you had never been born,” brings feelings of self-loathing and self destruction. When a child hears this enough, he/she begins to believe that they are hated; simply a “thing” to be tolerated. Destructive behavior starts, and the child may begin acting out in rage and self-hatred, hurting others around them.

There are thousands of stories out there, but the point is that there are thousands of victims as well. This is what the professionals at Newport Beach Christian Counseling are there for. They can help reverse the damage done by the abusers. The stories others have may be worse or less damaging, but all of them deserve to live a life free of abuse.

Living with Emotional Abuse

Those toxic people in the life of the abuse victim are experts at demolishing the ability to have a positive self-image, even to the point of making the victim question not just their worth, but their own sanity. When there is a malignant person twisting facts about the victim, even starting damaging rumors, the self-confidence of the victim plummets.

Without even physically touching the victim, the abuser has a powerful hold on the abused that can leave long-term damage. Emotional maturity suffers, and the victims find themselves powerless. Emotional abuse is devastating and much harder to recognize than physical abuse. There is rarely outward proof of the situation, like bruises or scars, so it can be explained away as just in the imagination.

Explaining away the behavior of the abuser eventually leads to codependent feelings. The dysfunctional family life begins to bleed into every part of their life; to relationships with friends and co-workers, for example. Friends become estranged or jobs are lost, strengthening the lack of self-confidence. Damaging feelings become ingrained in every aspect of the victim’s life.

Long-Term Effects Caused by Emotional Abuse

Because the victim is now holding stress and anger, they begin to suffer physically as well. Stress and anxiety that is held inside rears its ugly head in constant aches and pains, even neurological damage.

If the abuse starts early enough in life, it can stop emotional maturity completely. This leaves the victim in a constant state of powerlessness. The victim literally does not know how to process the feelings that abuse causes, and cannot find the right place to apply the blame for the negative feelings.

Perhaps the parents of the abused child were always distant. They may never have been exposed to unwavering unconditional love expressed by the parent. As they begin to marry and have their own children, perhaps, though they may love their own children, they find themselves unable to show love to their own children. Perhaps they even begin the cycle of emotional abuse toward their own loved ones, their children and their spouse.

The abused person has likely started having problems with trusting others, holding relationships, or making friends in the first place. They may even have trouble eating and sleeping. The abuse victim begins to believe that they are useless and unlovable, as well as being unable to show love to others. One of the hardest steps to take is to recognize that the abuse is undeserved.

With Christian counseling, there is a path to recovery. It starts with the first step, and that is recognizing that help is needed.

Stopping Abusive Behavior

Realizing that they are continuing the legacy of abuse to new victims, the next step is when healing needs to begin. This is when finding a mental health professional who can undo the damage of all of the past traumas. Taking into consideration how the actions of the victim later in life will damage others, everyone needs to be involved in the recovery from the cycle of abuse.

The victim may believe in the commandment “honor your father and mother” and may have endured the continual victimizing, believing that it was expected. God does not want His children to be abused. The professionals at Newport Beach Christian Counseling will be able to set their thinking right, helping the abused learn new habits and ways to deal with the feelings abuse brings.

Choices for Healing from Emotional Abuse

There are a number of methods of healing that are available, which can be discussed with a counselor. Here are a couple of examples:

1. Psychodynamic Psychotherapy

This is simply the victim and counselor talking through the problems and finding out what the specific problems are that need to be tackled to bring about healing.

2. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

With this approach, the victim is able to recognize the behaviors that cause the negative self-image, identifying the items to focus one. It includes finding the negative self-talk and learning positive replacements for them and finding what triggers the damaging behavior and developing new habits to overcome them.

Where to Turn for Help

The first step, after the victim recognizes that they are being abused, is to find a therapist who is trained in helping the victim recover. That mental health counselor can help unravel the painful emotional bonds the victim has developed through the years. At Newport Beach Christian Counseling, professional experts can help start the healing process.

When trying to heal from years of abuse, these counselors are trained to walk through the process of learning new habits and new ways of thinking. There is no magic answer to recovering from abuse. The professionals at Newport Beach Christian Counseling Center know this and will work at the pace needed. Understanding without judgement is the best way to help a victim.

There may be breakthroughs and backsliding, but when the counselor depends on mind, body, soul, and spirit as ways to bring healing, success will happen. Each hurdle in the therapy will be able to give new self confidence that shows up in everyday life. The benefits of changing the destructive patterns in life will lead to a rewarding new life, not just for the abuse victim, but also for anyone’s life who is affected by the victim.

Start Your Journey to Healing

Contact Newport Beach Christian Counseling at (949) 386-7178 to set up a risk-free appointment to assess needs.

Photos:
“Stories”, Courtesy of Sydney Sims, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Victim”, Courtesy of Zach Guinta, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Tear”, Courtesy of Cristian Newman, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Worthy of Love”, Courtesy of Tim Mossholder, Unsplash.com, CC0 License