Of all the emotions we feel, anger can be one of the most destructive and volatile when it gets out of control. It’s not always easy to know the difference between a normal angry response and an anger issue. When you aren’t used to anger, a person expressing themselves heatedly or passionately can seem alarming.

It can still be easy to miss the signs of anger issues in someone, especially if they are expressive or unfiltered in their communication. One of the challenges of confronting someone when you suspect that they have an anger issue is that they might blow up, and you could run the risk of damaging the relationship.

When it comes to recognizing the signs of anger issues, it helps to compare them to healthy expressions of anger. Not all anger is damaging or uncontrollable. Anger is often a rational response to injustice or unfairness, and it can be helpful or even feel therapeutic to express.

When you have seen this kind of anger, it becomes easier to see unhealthy, explosive anger. When you distinguish between the two, you can set some boundaries and confront the person with firm but caring words.

Anger can be an empowering emotion, and some people have learned to leverage it to their advantage in a bullying way. Whether they commit to therapy to manage their anger issues is their choice. The least you can do is make your feelings about their behavior clear and define the kind of communication you won’t accept. Hopefully, they will become aware of how their behavior is affecting those around them and agree to do the work to change.

Examples of Healthy Anger

Some people learn how to express their anger in ways that don’t damage people around them. They still get triggered in certain moments, but they don’t lose control or act impulsively. If they lose control or say harmful things, they take responsibility for it. To the person who knows how to regulate their emotions, anger is not an excuse to insult, shout at, or threaten others.

When people learn to channel their anger appropriately, the intensity of their outbursts is proportional to the situation. One of the first signs of anger issues is that people explode over relatively small things, with their anger burning for a long time afterward. You can sometimes notice them becoming more enraged as the situation escalates. What was a minor triggering event becomes a massive issue with collateral damage.

By contrast, a person who healthily channels their anger isn’t personal or hurtful with the things they say. They will use ‘I’ statements, rather than accusatory ‘you’ statements, taking ownership of their feelings in the situation and not blaming anyone else for the way they react. They know how to be honest in a respectful way.

When they do become overwhelmed with anger, they step away from the situation so that they can cool down and ground themselves. Once they have addressed the situation, their anger will dissipate, and they will regulate their mood accordingly.

Healthy anger is not silent and sulky, it is not repressed and passive-aggressive, and it does not pretend that everything is fine when it’s not. People who have control over their anger will express their needs clearly, but they are also willing to listen to another point of view if it means finding a resolution to the issue.

They are not set on winning an argument or forcing everyone else to accept their point of view. There is a maturity behind their outbursts. It’s clear that, although they are angry now, they ultimately want to find a solution.

Spotting the Signs of Anger Issues

Sometimes anger burns like a forest fire, consuming everything in its path. The signs of anger issues become obvious once you understand what regulated anger looks like.

Small things, like being inconvenienced, trigger a person with an anger issue. Their anger can go from calm to rage in a matter of seconds, and it is frequently disproportionate to the situation. Once they are in a rage, they will continue to yell, argue, or break things until they become aware of their tantrum and start feeling ashamed.

People with anger issues almost always feel embarrassed and ashamed after an outburst. Their apologies and attempts to mitigate the damage are not always successful, and their shame is seldom sufficient to break the pattern. In the moment of escalating anger, they feel helpless to the pull of their emotions, sometimes even blacking out during a fit of rage.

Another clear sign of anger issues is how long it takes for them to calm down and get back to their emotional base level. When you have no handle on your anger, it quite literally takes over and steers you toward disaster.

The final and most important thing to consider when looking for signs of anger issues is frequency. Everyone gets angry occasionally, some more than others, depending on their personality type. The person with an anger issue will blow up multiple times a day.

Triggers are often minor, their response is rapid, and anger is intense. It takes a long time for it to subside. People with anger issues have regular outbursts each day, to the point that people around them learn to read their mood, walking on eggshells if they sense danger.

Setting Boundaries and Speaking Out

Confronting someone about their anger issue can feel like a dangerous thing to do because you will likely be met with more anger. For this reason, you must pick your time carefully and prepare what you plan to say in advance. Pick a time when you are both calm and proceed with caution but determination. It might help to have a script or some bullet points written down to guide the conversation.

First, address their anger issue and follow it up by stating your boundaries in relation to their anger. Avoid making personal statements about their character. Instead, focus on the impact of their anger using ‘I’ statements.

You could say, “I get terrified when you blow up” or “I feel unsafe each time you yell.” Statements like these lower their defensiveness and help them to see the impact of their anger. You can also point out any patterns you’ve noticed, like the fact that they might target their anger at a specific person or blow up when confronted by certain topics.

This is your time to express yourself, so follow this by stating your boundaries. You can do this by making statements like, “I will not remain in the room when you start shouting,” or “If you start being aggressive, I will end the conversation.”

If they regularly become violent when they’re angry, consider finding a safe place to go each time they have an outburst, or involving outside support. If you plan to involve someone like a counselor, let them know that this is a part of your boundaries and conditions for continuing to engage with them.

It’s not always easy to tell when someone has an anger issue or to confront it. If you want to stay alongside this person and help them find the help they need, you must be prepared to speak to them openly, honestly, and gently. If they are willing to cooperate, you have an opportunity to lead them to the help they need.

If you don’t know where to start when it comes to helping someone with an anger issue, you could always speak with a counselor. They will help you find the words and courage to confront the situation, as well as provide long-term support for you. You can find someone in the online catalog or by talking with our reception team. Reach out to learn more.