Common Symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder in Children, Adolescents, and Adults

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Reactive attachment disorder, also known as RAD, is a condition that affects a child’s ability to bond with significant people in his or her life due to his or her emotional needs going unmet during infancy or serious abuse or neglect.

It is most likely to occur in children who live in orphanages or other institutional settings, have been in multiple foster care homes, or whose mother or primary caregiver has been physically or emotionally absent for extended periods.

As children with reactive attachment disorder get older, their symptoms fall into one of two subtypes – inhibited reactive attachment disorder or disinhibited reactive attachment disorder.

Children with inhibited reactive attachment disorder are often withdrawn, emotionally unresponsive, show no interest in what is going on around them, do not seek comfort from their caregivers, and prefer to keep to themselves.

On the other hand, children with disinhibited reactive attachment disorder may be overly friendly with strangers, lack the desire or need to stay close to their primary caregiver for safety, violate social boundaries, and seek affection from others in a potentially unsafe way.

Without treatment, the symptoms of children with reactive attachment disorder are likely to persist into adulthood and affect the way they function in society.

Common symptoms of reactive attachment disorder in children

  • Avoiding eye contact.
  • Failure to smile.
  • Failure to coo or babble.
  • Crying inconsolably.
  • Not reaching arms out to be picked up.
  • Not seeming to notice when you walk into the room.
  • Not seeming to care when you leave him or her alone.
  • Not seeking comfort or responding when comfort is given.
  • Pushing away or leaning away from a person trying to be affectionate or offer comfort.
  • Angry outbursts or tantrums.
  • Reacting violently when held or cuddled.
  • Withdrawing from social situations.
  • Lack of interest in people around them.
  • Lack of conscience.
  • Inability to feel guilt, remorse, or regret.
  • Uninterested in playing interactive games such as peek-a-boo.
  • Failure to seek support or help when needed.
  • Lack of interaction with peers.
  • Engaging in self-soothing behaviors such as rocking back and forth.

Common symptoms of reactive attachment disorder in adolescents

  • Appearing withdrawn and emotionally detached.
  • Looking sad and lethargic.
  • Lack of eye contact.
  • Dislike being touched.
  • Inability to form meaningful relationships.
  • Lacking basic social skills.
  • Defiant and argumentative.
  • Anger issues.
  • Difficult to discipline.
  • Lack of self-control.
  • Problems at school.
  • Low self-esteem.
  • Unpredictability.
  • Lack of empathy.
  • Irritability.
  • Destructive behavior.
  • Cruelty to animals.
  • Engaging in risky behaviors.
  • Failure to seek or respond to comfort when upset.
  • Avoid interacting with peers.
  • Manipulative behavior.
  • Lying.
  • Stealing.
  • Lack of conscience, and an inability to feel guilt or remorse.
  • Substance abuse.
  • Preoccupation with blood, fire, and gore.

Common symptoms of reactive attachment disorder in adults

  • Fear of being alone.
  • Minimizing feelings of hurt or pain.
  • Physically or emotionally distancing themselves from others.
  • Feel as though they don’t fit in.
  • Inability to show genuine care or affection.
  • Reject love.
  • Failure to seek support when they need it.
  • Avoid making eye contact.
  • Pushing people away.
  • Absence of joy.
  • Addictive and/or risky behaviors.
  • Lack of conscience, and an inability to feel emotions such as regret, guilt, or remorse.
  • Tendency to avoid serious relationships.
  • Communication difficulties.
  • Anger issues.

Treatment options

The focus of treatment is on strengthening the child emotionally, helping him or her create healthy bonds and relationships, and/or repairing existing negative relationships between him or her and caregivers. For adolescents and adults, there is an added focus on improving social and communication skills.

Common interventions include:

Psychotherapy

In psychotherapy, the counselor works with both the child and his or her parents to teach them how to build healthy emotional skills and reduce the problematic behaviors that prevent bonding from taking place.

Family therapy

In family therapy, the counselor works with the child and his or her family members to help them learn how to interact healthily.

Social skills intervention

Social skills intervention is focused on teaching the child how to interact appropriately with his or her peers.

Parenting skills classes

Parenting skills classes are geared toward teaching parents how to increase their responsiveness and sensitivity toward their child, meet his or her needs, and bond with him or her, as well as how to manage their child’s challenging behaviors and help him or her use the skills learned during therapy in the outside world more effectively.

If you have questions or would like to set up an appointment to meet with a counselor in Newport Beach, California, please give us a call at Newport Beach Christian Counseling. We can help you or your child address and overcome reactive attachment disorder.

References:

Aaron Kandola. “What is reactive attachment disorder?” Medical News Today. November 2, 2020. medicalnewstoday.com/articles/reactive-attachment-disorder.

Elizabeth E. Ellis and Musa Yilanli. “Reactive Attachment Disorder.” StatPearls. Updated May 1, 2023. statpearls.com/ArticleLibrary/viewarticle/19406.

Photos:
“Pink Flowers”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Simple Ways to Connect with Your Teen

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As parents, when we gaze at our teens, we are flooded with complex thoughts and feelings. How did they grow up so fast? Why, if we love them so much, do they drive us so crazy? We long for the connection that we once had with them when they were younger. All these thoughts and feelings are normal. But what is the best way to connect with your teen?

The teen years are full of changes, from physical changes that we can visualize, like height and hairstyle choices, to those we cannot see, like their thoughts and feelings. They, too, are caught in the middle of this just as much as we are, full of hormones, feelings, and pressures. This can make life feel like a roller coaster for us and them!

In the midst of this, it is easy to feel disconnected. When their preferences change, we may not recognize what they enjoy. When their feelings are all over the place, we may not feel like engaging or even know how. When busy schedules change routines, we may miss the opportunities for connecting.

While you may not be able to change what is happening, you can still find ways to connect. With some creativity and willingness to try, you and your teen can connect in new ways that strengthen your relationship.

Here are a few simple things you can try to enhance your connection with your teen.

Connect with your teen by watching what they watch

Notice what your teen is watching on television or what movies they like. They may not invite you to watch with them, but that does not mean you cannot watch. When you take note of what they are enjoying, set aside time to watch it on your own. Try to reserve judgment and simply watch.

The next time they are watching their show, mention that you started watching it. Tell them about a character you like or a plot twist that surprised you. Your teen will notice that you care about what they like. See if they invite you to watch with them. If they do not, take the lead and suggest watching an episode together.

Have their favorite snacks on hand

Teaching your kids healthy eating habits is an important part of parenting, but it is ok to have some flexibility, especially as a means of connecting with your child.

Sometimes they want chips or ice cream. Other times they will want the biggest strawberries or some new seltzer. Do what you can to make these items available. Even try to enjoy them with your teen.

This small effort can help your child feel loved and seen. It will also give you something to enjoy together!

Welcoming their friends helps connect you to your teen

Many teens feel an important connection to their friends. This is also true of people they are dating. When you open your home and your heart to their friends, it shows them that you care about them. Plus, it means they are home a little more.

Be the house your child wants to bring their friends to. This does not mean you should disregard any rules or family standards. However, you can be welcoming in ways that matter. Have cookies or snacks in the kitchen when your teen and their friend come in. Ask questions. Be curious about their opinions.

Ask about their day. Allow your teen to bring a friend when you go somewhere. When you care for their friends, you are caring for your teen at the same time. They may not say how much it matters, but they will see you trying, and every little connection counts.

Let your teen choose

One of the most common things teens want is to be heard. They want to know that what they think, feel, or want is valued. Show your teen this by letting them choose. This can be something as simple as a restaurant you go to or something more involved like an activity you do on vacation. It is not about what you do; it is about giving them a voice and honoring it.

Ask for help

You can ask your teen for help. This shows vulnerability and recognizes their growing independence, and the gifts, skills, and knowledge they are gaining as they mature.

You can also ask God for help. God loves healthy, connected family relationships. Ask Him to show you things you can do to connect with your teen. Be on the lookout for opportunities He gives you to spend time with them and value them. He is faithful to hear you and answer you.

When you need help to connect with your teen

Your relationship with your teen may feel hard. While this is normal to some degree, you do not need to wrestle with it alone. You can talk to a counselor about what you can do to connect with your teen. Likewise, your teen may find individual counseling valuable or even want to pursue family counseling to discuss things together.

All these ideas can assist you in improving and strengthening your relationship with your child. Feel free to contact us at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to see how one of the Christian counselors in Newport Beach, California can help.

Photos:
“Cooking”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Checking Social Media”, Courtesy of Luke Porter, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “On the Beach”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

How Educators and Coaches Can Protect Children’s Mental Health

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If you are a parent, you know that your child’s teacher or coach can have a significant impact on your children’s mental health. One of the more compelling reasons to allow children the opportunity to participate in a club or sport is that he or she will have more adults influencing them.

As a parent, it can be scary to think of other adults influencing your child. But when it comes to children’s mental health, having a supportive teacher or coach in your child’s life can make a huge difference in positive mental and socio-emotional wellness.

What is mental health?

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention defines mental health as “our emotional, psychological and social well-being. It affects how we think, feel and act. It also helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others, and make healthy choices.” (CDC)

Mental health is important at every stage of life. How our children’s mental health influences what they believe, how they respond, and whom they choose to hang out with are key factors in their development.

How coaches can protect children’s mental health.

A child’s development into adolescence is an important stage in his or her life. Often, it’s a coach who can spot the signs that one of his or her players is struggling emotionally, psychologically, or socially.

Consider the role coaches play in a child’s life. Coaches are with their players after they found out that they didn’t make the school play. They’re there when a player gets shunned by another classmate or even a fellow player. Coaches have the power to be a positive influence on a child’s ability to recover from such experiences.

How can a coach help?

Pay attention to your players’ behaviors, responses, and emotions.

The U.S. Department of Education says that in young children, emotional responses are often the easiest way to see that a child may be struggling. If a child cannot bond with other kids or gets easily upset by something that appears to be small, it should not be overlooked.

A child who erupts in anger over a missed goal may be having social and emotional issues beyond the coach’s ability to navigate. However, by paying attention to a player’s response, the coach can bring the player’s behavior to light with a trusted school counselor or parent.

Seek out specialized training in children’s mental health.

Talk to your school’s counseling department or ask the recreation department if there are resources in place to help coaches learn about youth mental health. It’s easy to spot a behavioral issue, but it’s much more complex to get to the root of that behavior.

Getting adequate training and support related to youth mental health is key to equipping coaches to help a young person who needs guidance.

Recognize that success in the sport you coach is not the overall goal.

Even the most competitive sports programs should reflect an overall goal of shaping a child’s character. Research suggests that participating in sports can boost a child’s self-esteem, help him or her learn foundational life lessons such as perseverance and hard work, and teach how his or her actions impact a group of people.

Reminding yourself that you are a key player in the way a child reads the world and interacts with the world is important. It can mean the difference between shaming or humiliating an adolescent and expressing that you understand and that we all make mistakes.

Find out where you lack adequate mental health support in your own life.

We can only go so far in our natural responses to life. And that includes life on the court or the field. If we have experienced trauma or difficulty in relationships, we could unknowingly transfer unhealthy outlooks and responses to the players we coach. Being aware of our own mental health and being proactive in pursuing healing is a foundational step toward guarding the youth under our care.

Be willing to look like a fool in the room or on the field.

Young people are impressionable. They want to please their coaches, teachers, and peers too. When you are willing to show your vulnerabilities, you can pave the way for it to be okay for them.

One recent article supports that teens are more likely to reach out to a coach or a teacher than they are a parent. That’s a powerful responsibility. When you admit that you were wrong, ask for a young person’s forgiveness, or share a hurdle you’ve had to overcome in life, you are modeling what it looks like to share a struggle with others.

How teachers can protect children’s mental health.

Teachers, collectively, may spend more time with students than their parents during the school year. So it makes sense that they would have a front-row seat to a student who is struggling. The World Health Organization reports that more than half of all mental health struggles in young people begin before the age of 14. So teachers play an integral role in recognizing those struggles and helping a child.

First, teachers can get to know their students. Learning something about each student helps a teacher recognize when that “something” is gone. For example, if a teacher learns that one of the students in his class enjoys drawing and artistic endeavors, he may be better equipped to spot when the desire to draw or pursue art isn’t there anymore.

One of the most common signs of depression is a loss of interest in an activity previously enjoyed. When a teacher can identify something that’s missing in one of his or her students’ typical behaviors, he or she can ask the student what might be wrong. Then they can follow up with a school counselor if necessary.

Second, teachers can be aware that children’s mental health incorporates three developmental aspects: social development, emotional development, and behavioral development. That is why the way a child relates to another child is important to consider. How a child responds emotionally to something in class is also crucial.

Unfortunately, these two developmental factors tend to take a backseat to a child’s behavioral development in an educational setting. Yes, behavior is a contributing factor to recognize, but before the behavior escalates there may be other signs like social and emotional cues that a teacher can spot.

Simply being aware of these developmental aspects daily can help a teacher see beyond academics to the whole child. Teaching is stressful on any given day, but remembering that the children and adolescents they teach are still developing in every way fosters compassion and awareness.

Finally, teachers can be a liaison for students in their class and the school counselor. Unfortunately, seeing a counselor still, in many households and areas of the world, has a stigma attached to it.

While it shouldn’t, many young people and adults still view counseling as something only a seriously mentally ill person needs to do. But as a teacher who is concerned for the well-being of all of his or her students, your role even in how you talk about mental health or counseling is key.

If you are reading a book to your class where a character struggles with anxiety or guilt, it can be helpful to insert the text connection of a character seeing a counselor to share his or her emotions. Or if you teach history and a particular historical figure was known for his or her anger, it might be a place to interject that everyone deals with anger, and counseling can teach us techniques to manage it well.

A reminder for all of us.

Children’s mental health is worth protecting and staying educated about. The best place to start is by taking care of your mental health. This leaves you better equipped to help the children in your life. If you or someone you know simply needs a safe place to share life stressors, decision-making questions, or recurring emotions, talk to one of our trained counselors.

Not everything has to be a problem before reaching out to a counselor. Just as people need doctors for wellness checks, we need counselors for the same reason. Our office is here to help. Reach out today if you are interested in learning more about how to help the young people in your life or if you need support.

Photos:
“Batting Practice”, Courtesy of Rezli, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Teacher”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Coach and Team”, Courtesy of Adrià Crehuet Cano, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “REad-Alouds”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Christian Family Counseling: Finding Help When Your Family Needs It

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Time spent with family can be stressful. For many people, the holidays and time spent at home are a difficult period because being with their relatives, the family that they were born into, can for whatever reason be overwhelming and taxing. Whether it’s the conversations or something amiss in the family dynamic, what is meant to be a time of relaxation and celebration becomes a chore at the best of times.

Family is meant to be an institution for nurture, growth, joy, and flourishing. When we go through tragedy, or when we’re celebrating, our family is one space where we should feel encouraged and supported. The gap between what is and what ought to be is often a yawning chasm.

What can families do about this reality? Some have chosen to ignore the issues, and they power through the awkwardness and pain. Other families have floundered under the strain. One avenue of aid is to seek the Christian family counseling from a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

God has a plan for families, whatever the shape of yours may be. Getting help in the form of Christian family counseling can make the difference between a family struggling and limping along, and a healthy, supportive, and nurturing family environment.

Christian Family Counseling: What’s That?

Christian family counseling is a form of counseling that looks to address the family as a unit to bring about flourishing for both individuals in the family and the family as a whole. Individual counseling, on the other hand, is primarily focused on addressing the concerns of the individual.

Christian family counseling addresses the family or individuals within it as is proper. Often, when one member of the family is going through something, it affects the others. If one of the children is having difficulties at school, it can affect how they interact with their siblings.

If one of the parents is facing mental health challenges or is dealing with grief, it will affect how they relate to their spouse and the family too. Family counseling recognizes this interconnectedness within the family, and the therapeutic techniques take that reality into account.

Does My Family Need Counseling?

Whether you and your family require counseling is something you must decide for yourselves. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, facing challenges for which you feel ill-equipped, or maybe you’re just feeling stuck, you can turn to Christian family counseling for help.

You don’t have to be a Christian to receive help from Christian family counseling, though the approach and emphases of the therapy will address spirituality as an important part of the whole. A Christian therapist will help you and your family identify behaviors that may be inconsistent with what God’s word says and that may be hindering your growth.

Christian family therapists are trained and licensed in the same way as other therapists who have training in psychology and understand the complexity of human relationships. One major difference is that a Christian therapist is also guided by Scripture and prayer, combined with their training in psychology. They help you address issues in your family life that are taking away from what God intends for his people.

Christian family therapists deal with a wide variety of issues. The issues they deal with include mental health challenges and relational dynamics within the family. They teach coping skills and tools to communicate more effectively so that the family can deal with changes and challenges in a healthy way. Here are some of the areas in which you can get help from a Christian family therapist:

Encouraging and strengthening your faith and relationship with God.

There are many challenges in living faithfully and connected with God. Sometimes work pressures, school, adolescence, or peer pressure and so much more can complicate or undermine one’s relationship with God. It might be that one of the family members is struggling with their faith, or that as a family you’ve been through a crisis that has rattled your faith.

Address trauma and abuse.

Living as we do in an imperfect world, we and our families may experience trauma and abuse. Trauma may occur through an event like a car accident, being mugged, experiencing a natural disaster, etc. Emotional or physical abuse can have a huge effect on mental health, and they need to be addressed in a safe environment

Social media addiction.

With easy and constant access to the internet, we can lose ourselves and our families to cyberspace; people can spend more time online than they do with their families, and they can become more invested in what happens online than what happens in their own home.

Help address marital issues.

Marriages face many challenges, and Christian family therapy can help you to work to avoid divorce, address infidelity, strengthen your emotional and physical intimacy, improve poor communication, etc.

Dealing with grief and loss.

Losing a loved one when they die or experiencing other losses such as divorce or relocation and leaving familiar people and places may take an emotional toll. Therapy can create the space you need to process those emotions.

Pornography addiction.

Porn addiction affects men, women, and children. It can damage relationships and produce distorted views of sex and sexuality, which can devastate your marriage, and negatively affect both work and school performance.

Substance abuse and addiction.

Addictions can end up ruling a person’s life, dictating their choices, breaking relationships and trust. Therapy can help not only with uncovering underlying issues that may be driving addictive behaviors but providing ways to overcome addiction and begin making healthy life choices

Parenting difficulties.

Children face a wide variety of challenges, and parents desire to help their children work through those difficulties. You may be dealing with a willful child, or other challenges such a mental health issues, learning disabilities, bullying, eating disorders, and so on. Therapy will not only inform your understanding of the issues but provide you with the tools you need to support one another.

A Christian family counselor can address these and many other concerns you may have and be dealing with. If your family life is affected by anyone or several of these issues, seeking the help of a therapist may be the best next step to take for your family’s sake.

Getting the Help You Need

If you decide to seek help, you need to find a counselor that works for you and your family. The first obstacle to overcome, however, is that sometimes people hesitate to find help because of feelings of shame or a sense of failure. We all have different struggles, and when you reach your limit, the best thing you can do for your family is to take that courageous first step and ask for help.

If you’re looking for a therapist, you can find licensed and trained Christian marriage and family therapists at your local church, and they also have independent practices in medical centers and elsewhere. Alternatively, a family member, friend, or spiritual advisor that you trust can refer you to a therapist.

 

If you don’t want to go into a brick-and-mortar office for your sessions, doing your sessions via online therapy is a possibility. The online option is attractive if you find a therapist you want to work with, but they are a long drive away or you can’t coordinate your schedule to attend in person, or if you have privacy concerns.

Another key point in finding a therapist that works for you is to check that their beliefs and approach align with yours, otherwise it may not work for you. Your relationship with your therapist is key to success in counseling and debating the meaning of certain passages of the Bible instead of getting on with the work may be an obstacle.

Because Christian therapists use a broad range of tools including evidence-based counseling methods like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), prayer, and Scripture, they address the whole person, including your spiritual needs.

When you’ve chosen the therapist you and your family want to work with, they’ll get a feel for what your needs are, work with you to set your goals, and set out steps to achieve them. Take that first step towards wholeness and look for a therapist who can help your family find the peace, joy, and flourishing you yearn for.

Photos:
“Tough Times”, Courtesy of Ben White, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Family”, Courtesy of John-Mark Smith, Unsplash.com, CC0 License;”Reading Together”, Courtesy of Ben White, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Difficult roads…beautiful destinations”, Courtesy of Hello I’m Nik, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Teens and Social Media: Three Big Issues

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Every generation, new issues arise to challenge the new sets of parents. In today’s time, one such problem that almost all parents readily lament relates to teens and social media.

Yesterday Versus Today

Despite the existence of technology in the ‘80s, ‘90s, and early 2000s, the use of it in those decades was seemingly more controllable than it is now. Teenagers back then still had access to gaming platforms such as Atari, Gameboy, Nintendo, Playstation, and a variety of PC games. They also had movies, TV, cable, and videos to pass the time.

But in those times, it was quite clear that such devices were generally for entertainment purposes. It was easier then for both parents and children to understand that when studying or doing other daily tasks, such devices had to be turned off or left at home.

Today, however, social media is acknowledged as more than just a source of entertainment. Almost everyone knows that it is an important way to instantly and cheaply communicate with family, classmates, teachers, and friends.

Social media also keeps people abreast of important current events, both locally and internationally, that may have a direct effect on their lives (e.g. sudden storms, road closures, or crimes). Moreover, it is used as a means of learning, which is why many students insist that they “need” their gadgets at school; and why many parents also gift their young children, some as young as two years-old, with access to social media via tablets or smart phones.

Teens and Social Media: Three Big Issues

While it is imperative for parents to ensure that their younger children do not become too attached to social media, the more pressing problem is the effect on their teens. Parents have begun to notice that something is not right with teen use of this technological tool.

The following are some major issues that teenagers face because of social media.

The Problem of Depression

There is growing evidence that social media may be linked to depression. Recent studies have discovered that higher rates of reported depression are found in people who spend much time on social media than those who do not use it so much. Though not fully conclusive, since much research must still be done, it should cause concerned parties to pause and consider the possible correlation.

Although social media is a means to update family and friends about one’s life, what is shown is not always the “reality” as people opt to present their best selves publicly. If not in an angsty mood, most teens prefer to only show the “best” of what is happening in their life, displaying their best smiles, best clothes, and best experiences. Sadly, for unguided teens, especially those with inferiority issues, they compare their situation against others and find that much is lacking in their life, bringing them down.

Moreover, cyberbullying is another problem that may lead to teenage depression. As a means of public humiliation, some bullies post comments, pictures, or videos meant to put others down. Since such posts can rapidly spread within minutes, a humiliating post – true or not – can quickly and greatly damage a teenager’s reputation as classmates, teachers, and family members can easily view it. To make matters worse, these other people may then add their own snide remarks or personal judgments without first consulting the person involved.

And because fake accounts can easily be created, more and more bullies take advantage of this, making life horrible for many teens. It is no wonder why many believe that teenage suicide is on the rise because of social media.

The Problem of Anxiety

Anxiety due to social media is another issue that researchers are seriously looking into. Similar to depression, recent studies are showing a correlation between anxiety and social media usage.

For lots of teens, their social media accounts have become their virtual “hangout” where they keep in touch with others, even if they are at home. Teens can easily spend hours on their various accounts as they scroll through their friends’ and family members’ accounts, communicate with others, and update their own social media pages. And this is where the anxiety comes in.

Many teens admit that simply uploading their activities is not enough. They need to be perfect, lest they receive negative comments or they do not receive enough “likes.” So they are pressured to come up with the best caption, best angle, and best edit for their post.

In fact, some teens are always planning where to go for their next Instagrammable photo or video shoot. While parents may find all of this unnecessary and a big waste of time and resources, for teens it is an essential part of adolescent life.

However, though their social media accounts have been perfected for the day, there is still that additional pressure to live up to what they have posted. Looking pretty, smart, sociable, or bubbly online is nothing if they cannot back it up in the flesh and this can be particularly difficult if what has been posted isn’t exactly who they truly are in real life.

Additionally, there is the burden of staying relevant. Though they may be able to capture the attention of the desired audience at the moment, their accounts need to be maintained as their peers are also doing the same.

So if one classmate heads to a tropical beach for a weekend of picturesque fun, chances are that the teen will devise a way to do so as well. It is a sad game of comparison that can really take a toll on an emotionally vulnerable teen, more so if they were really not that “cool” and “interesting” to begin with.

The Problem of Communication

The final issue is that of communication. It is ironic that in this era of faster and cheaper modes of communication that the youngsters are losing the ability to truly communicate. Although parents take note of their children’s constant communication via their gadgets, the reality is that teens are slowly losing the skill to speak directly and properly to their family, teachers, and even their own peers.

In the not-so-distant past, it was usual for most teenagers to be out of the house, meeting their friends to mingle. And if they opted to use the phone, they actually talked to one another. Though not all parents then appreciated this need for teens to always be together, they were at least learning true communication skills.

Nowadays, much of the teens’ communication is done through texting, messaging, or posts. Though they get to practice their writing skills and even artistic skills to a certain extent, the ability to communicate directly has been affected even if they are trying to talk over the phone.

Many have difficulty sustaining a discussion, explaining themselves, making requests, or resolving issues. They also have problems picking up on social cues such as body language, vocal reactions, and facial expressions because they are not used to doing so. Because of this, many complain that teens are socially awkward or that they come off as very demanding or rude, especially when speaking to older persons.

Now while some may think this is not that important in this age of technology, one day these teens will be joining the workforce where they will need such skills to move up in the world. They will also become the next set of parents so they need to be able to communicate well if they wish to have a healthy, loving family.

What Parents Can Do

Though many teens have already fallen for the allure of social media, it is not too late for parents to step in and do something to break its grip on their children’s lives.

Model Good Gadget Behavior

A big reason why social media use seems to be out of control is that parents themselves use it so much as well. During so-called family time, both parents and teens are scrolling through their phones and tablets. If parents want to curb their children’s usage, the whole family must be willing to place limits on their use of gadgets.

A good way to do this is to impose a no-gadget-usage rule at certain times for ALL members to follow. Initially, this could be for Sunday lunch and dinner, designating such times as strictly family time. During these times, parents and children will have the opportunity to truly communicate with one another.

Once established, this new rule may then be extended to special holidays, and eventually to all meal times. In this way, teens may be slowly weaned away from always looking at their social media accounts.

Check In on Them Regularly

While it can be tempting for busy parents to let their teens be, especially if they are not visibly causing any harm, it is important for parents to set aside some time to get to know their teens better. Despite a strong childhood foundation, there are so many sources out there that may be influencing a teen, so parents need to find out how emotionally and mentally stable their teenagers really are.

Although this can be done at meal times, some teens may need extra attention away from the rest of the family. A walk at the park and going for coffee or snacks at the mall are just some of the many activities that can be done together where the teens may be able to open up to their parents.

Parents need to be aware of their teenagers’ dreams, fears, and problems so that they can be given reassurance and helpful advice. In this way, anxiety can be reduced and depression may be prevented.

Teach Them Mindfulness

Becoming more mindful about their situation can help teens reduce stress so that they can return to reality and reduce the impact of negative emotions brought about by social media.

When being mindful, the brain is trained to become aware of the things happening around them – sounds of water or animal life, the feel of the ground under their feet, the smell of their immediate environment, or the beauty of their world seen through open eyes. In this way, they may then be able to pull their minds out of the virtual world they may be in and reassess what is “real.” This is particularly helpful if they find their minds stuck on negative thoughts about a recent post or comment on social media.

Becoming more mindful may also allow them to slowly withdraw from the grip of social media as they begin to realize that reality is what is around them in the here and now, not what is being said in the virtual world where people wear masks to hide their true selves.

Christian Counseling for Teens

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. – Psalm 139:14

Adolescence is a time of excitement and discovery as well as adjustment and failure. Thankfully, there is much that parents can do to help their teens battle the social media issue. Time, patience, love, and care are needed for them to reach out to their teens.

However, every family situation is different. Despite positive actions to reduce social media usage, some parents may find that social media’s damage to their child is too great. The teens may already be hopelessly addicted to it or they may be suffering from severe anxiety or depression. In such situations, it is necessary to seek professional help before things spiral out of control.

In Christian counseling for teens, the latest therapeutic methods will be used to address the teen’s emotional or mental issues. In a safe, neutral environment, chances are that the teen will be able to truly open up about what they are going through, something they might not be able to do with their parents or other family members.

But most importantly, the teen will be introduced to God’s love and mercy through a strong relationship with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Those who have serious issues because of social media have probably based their own self-worth on the opinions of others, which is not correct.

Our self-worth should come from our being children of God as we are made in His image and likeness and are saved through the blood of His Son. In Christian counseling, the teen will get to know Christ more deeply through prayer and meditation on Holy Scripture so that they may be aware of these truths, allowing them to truly heal and break social media’s hold on their life.

If you are having difficulty prying your teenager away from social media’s negative influence, seek help soon. It is only by connecting to God that they will learn how to truly connect to themselves and others.

Photos:
“Social Media”, Courtesy of Adrianna Calvo, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Broken,” courtesy of Matt Gruber, CreationSwap.com, CC0 License;  “Student”, Courtesy of Brad Flickinger, Flickr.com, CC BY 2.0 License; “Mindfulness”, Courtesy of Lesly Juarez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

4 Common Challenges of Teenagers

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There is no doubt that raising teenagers can be extremely challenging. Hormones, significant life changes, and a fair dose of sassy attitude can cause parents to despair as they attempt to healthily discipline their fast-growing kids. In this article, we’ll discuss four of the most common challenges of teenagers to help parents prepare and empathize with their teens.

Though this stage of life may be a distant memory for you personally, it is important to be empathetic to your kids as they navigate through this often confusing and emotionally-charged period of their lives and face some of the common challenges of teenagers.

Being a teenager has always been pretty tough, of that there is no doubt! However, hitting the high school years is full of challenges for teenagers — with social media, image-obsessed modern culture, and complex friendship and relationship dynamics and pressures, it really is a minefield out there!

So, with all that in mind, parents of teenagers certainly need some additional support when it comes to dealing with their kids effectively and in a way that is going to nurture and support them through these often troubling days.

Facing Common Challenges of Teenagers

Tackling issues head on is one of the first things you commit to doing. However, you must be aware of what you are dealing with. So let’s take a look at some of the key obstacles and challenges of teenagers today, and explore how parents can assist their kids in successfully working through them!

Social media struggles

Over the past decade, social media has proliferated across the teenage demographic. Nowadays, it is extremely rare to come across a teen who has withdrawn themselves from Instagram, Facebook or Twitter. As such, the pressures to present a certain image have spiraled out of control.

The purpose of social media is to connect people with each other. Instagram, for example, gives us a view into the lives of others and offers the opportunity to share significant experiences with loved ones. However, it can also cause fierce comparison and body image issues.

With celebrities garnering several million followers and uploading a stream of glamorous selfies, it only follows that impressionable young teenagers will attempt to emulate their icons and, inevitably, feel inferior as a result.

Social media is very rarely an accurate representation of the person’s real life, and yet, teenagers may fall victim to thinking that they must live up to a particular image or look. This striving can cause deeply-rooted issues.

In addition, social media perpetuates another unpleasant issue — cyber bullying. With private messages open, and with anyone open to comment on your appearance, bullying is a common and corrosive issue among this age group.

As with any of these social tools, they can be both a blessing and a curse. The key for parents is to ensure that there is no secrecy about what is going on within their social media accounts. Keep the lines of communication open and ensure that your child feels comfortable to disclose any strange or nasty things taking place on their social media profiles.

Substance use

It is not uncommon for teenagers to experiment with various substances during their high school years. While this can be a serious concern, it is important to highlight that this usage may be for a number of different reasons, such as peer pressure, curiosity, or even as a way of self-medicating an undiagnosed mental health condition like depression.

While minor usage might be harmless, with the wide variety of dangerous drugs available today, it is important to keep a handle on what your teenager is getting up to. Anyone, no matter how young, is at risk of falling into addiction after experimenting with drugs.

In addition, due to the fact that a teenager’s brain has not fully developed, addiction and the impact of psychoactive substances can be extremely harmful and detrimental to healthy growth and cognitive development.

Drugs that are often prevalent among teenagers include marijuana, alcohol, nicotine (cigarettes, e-cigarettes/vapes, cigars), synthetic marijuana (sometimes known as Spice), prescription drugs, hallucinogens, and inhalants.

All of these, if taken regularly, can drastically alter the mental state of teenagers and may hamper their school work, impede their relationship building and even get them into legal trouble. Due to the serious nature of drug and alcohol abuse, it is of vital importance that you talk openly with your teenager about how they can, with confidence, say “no” to these harmful substances.

Self-exploration

The adolescent years can be extremely confusing, as you are met with deep questions over purpose and identity. What are you going to do after finishing school? Who are the friends that will stick by you? What is the true meaning of your life?

Obviously, these are expansive questions that need a great amount of thought. However, as is often the case among teenagers, it can be common to see a “mask” being worn as a protection against this scary and uncertain outside world. With all that teenagers face, and with peer pressure and social judgement a perpetual threat, it is incredibly difficult for young people to show their true colors. Instead, hiding behind a mask and taking on a particular persona becomes very common.

With so much energy being spent on keeping up appearances, teenagers can experience deep exhaustion from attempting to present as a particular type of person. There is so much pressure on kids these days, with competitive sports teams, social media comparisons and often wildly unrealistic academic expectations.

It can be absolutely overwhelming, and parents must be constantly aware of the mental state of their teen as a result. It is important that parents reassure their kids that while striving for excellence can be a wonderful thing, it is not the ultimate goal. Parents must ensure that their teenagers know that first and foremost, and ahead of all the academic and sporting targets and pressures, they are simply loved unconditionally.

Sexual curiosity

As kids grow into teenagers, the whole area of sex becomes an issue that must be approached with sensitivity and caution. Naturally, they will be curious about this significant part of the human experience. As such, parents should always ensure that their teenager feels comfortable talking about the subject as they see fit.

Dating and all that this entails may also become a significant factor in your teenager’s life. Again, it is important to show unwavering support in the face of many questions your child may have regarding the emotional aspects of entering into a romantic relationship with another person.

Of course, in a Christian home, it is important to open up discussion over abstinence and sex before marriage. In addition, and in light of social media pressures, it is crucial to address issues of photo sharing and inappropriate messaging.

Teens should feel empowered to say “no,” and parents must play a pivotal role in making sure that their children know this. Too often, sexual encounters become common among teenagers and are put forward as a social norm.

It is important that parents make it clear to their kids that they are not “weird” if they choose to abstain from sexual activity – in fact, it is quite the opposite! Teenagers who show restraint from getting involved in potentially harmful behavior are wise beyond their years, are saving much future heartbreak, and must be encouraged.

Too often, sexual relations among teenagers are related to low self-esteem and a lack of self-worth. Youngsters regularly enter into a sexual relationship because they believe this will help them feel as if they truly belong.

This is a tragic thing that must be addressed with your teenager. Above all, ensure that your child knows that they are loved unconditionally and that they are not to feel any pressure to get involved in anything of a sexual nature with their peers.

Christian Counseling for Teens

As you can see, teenagers today face a plethora of complex issues, both relational and emotional. Parenting at this stage, therefore, is never going to be easy. It is of vital importance that parents remember to encourage and validate their teen. Of course, there will be times where correction and discipline are essential, but this must be administered alongside an outward expression of love and care.

If your teenager feels empowered to make good decisions that might even make them unpopular among some of their friends, they will set themselves in good stead for the future.

While not every conversation will be easy and comfortable, it is crucial that you create a home environment for your child that is safe, secure and open — make sure they know that your door is always open and that they can talk to you about absolutely anything.

Of course, this isn’t always possible, and sometimes you will need assistance in dealing effectively with the emotional complexities that your teenager might be facing.

If this is the case, a trained professional may be of huge help in opening up the lines of communication between you and your child. They will be able to assist you in developing a safe space for your son or daughter to open up about their feelings, process emotions, and navigate the way ahead through these common challenges of teenagers.

Lastly, if your teenager is going through a particularly difficult time, make sure that you remind them that it will not last forever. There is always a hope and a future for them. Of this, you can be sure.

Photos:
“Friends in a Field”, Courtesy of Melissa Askew, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Marijuana”, Courtesy of Rick Proctor, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Angst”, Courtesy of Graham Wizardo, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Strong,” courtesy of Christopher Campbell, unsplash.com, CC0 License

Therapeutic Activities for Children You Can Do at Home

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The brokenness of life affects everyone, including children. But since children’s brains aren’t fully developed, sometimes we struggle to help them cope with difficulty or trauma. If you have a toolbox of techniques and activities for children, you can consider which one(s) might help an individual child in their situation.

Since you care about your child, you form a big piece of the puzzle to help them through their struggle. Let’s discuss some therapeutic activities for children that you can use at home with your child.

Therapeutic Activities for Children

These activities can help both children and adults, but let’s talk about them in the context of helping a child who needs therapy. You can use them at home as a parent, and they can also be used in a school or child care setting.

Drawing/Artwork

Children don’t have the cognitive or verbal capacity to fully express what’s going on inside. Even as adults, we sometimes struggle to explain what we’re thinking or feeling.

As the adult, when you want to help a child who’s struggling, it can be really demoralizing when you realize you can’t pick their brain. How are you supposed to help them if you don’t know what’s really going on?

And expressing internal thoughts isn’t just important so we can get help, it’s important because outwardly processing our experiences and feelings helps us heal. For children, art can unlock their self-expression and provide healing.

Supplies you’ll need:

  • Drawing utensils (crayons, colored pencils, chalk, etc.)
  • Drawing surface (paper, chalkboard, etc.)

You can proactively implement art in your daily routine, even if your child doesn’t need therapy at this time. The routine of drawing, coloring, or painting will become a familiar ritual. If and when your child does need a therapeutic activity, she’ll already possess the tools and habits to express herself.

Journaling

Journaling and therapy often go hand in hand. Some experts believe that journaling can benefit your mental health just as much as traditional therapy. If your child is old enough to write easily, he might enjoy journaling as a way to get thoughts of his brain and onto paper. Later, he can look back and see how he’s changed.

Healing often happens when we self-reflect, and it’s no different for children. A journal doesn’t have to be a traditional diary with a lock and key, full of pages of longhand introspection. It’s not meant to be another homework assignment; the child can decide when, where, and how he would like to journal.

If he would enjoy it, he can incorporate art – drawing, painting, adding found paper or ephemera, creating word clouds, etc.

You can also provide prompts to help your child briefly focus on a specific topic, such as:

  • What is one thing you would like to teach someone else?
  • What do you hope will happen this week?
  • Did you get to relax today? What did you do?
  • What was the weather like today?
  • Who did you enjoy talking to today?
  • What did you enjoy doing today?
  • What emotion are you most aware of right now?
  • What do you do when you’re afraid?
  • What did you think your day would be like when you woke up this morning?
  • What is your favorite scent? What does it make you think of?
  • If you could spend time every day with a particular friend, who would it be?
  • What is something you disliked about today?

If you think your child would enjoy journaling but is too young to write anything longform, you can serve as the scribe while he plays the narrator. You can even “interview” them using journaling prompts and write down their answers.

The older the child is, the more he’ll need to be confident in his journal’s privacy. If you are concerned about unsafe behaviors, you might need to have a conversation with your child about sharing thoughts they’re having with an adult they trust (preferably you). Make sure to set privacy boundaries with your child based on their age and level of maturity.

An older child or teen may want to use a digital platform or app for journaling. No matter how he chooses to do it, writing out his thoughts can help your child therapeutically. You can set an example by keeping a journal yourself.

Role Playing

You can use imaginary scenarios between you and your child to help them develop social skills and learn how to interact with others. Practice makes perfect in so many areas of life, and role-playing various scenarios can increase a child’s confidence so she’s able to use those skills in real-life situations.

Here are some areas where you could use role-playing to help a child overcome specific struggles:

  • Grow confidence to overcome shyness.
  • Learn to resolve conflict and ask for help when experiencing bullying.
  • Manage anxiety on a day-to-day basis.
  • Say no to peer pressure.

If you’re going to use role-playing, it’s important to find out as much as you can about what the child is going through. The more realistic you can act, the easier it will be for her to do the same. Change up your expressions and tone of voice so she can develop confidence as she responds naturally.

Prayer or Meditation

Everyone can benefit from speaking quietly to the Lord or learning to calm their thoughts and direct them to pleasant topics. Prayer and meditation have healing potential for children as well as adults.

In the beginning, a child might listen to you pray, but eventually, he might be willing to pray on his own, whether alone or with you there.

Meditation can sometimes include secular or religious concepts that don’t fit into a Biblical worldview, but when used properly, it can provide a sense of calm and allow the mind to focus on that which is good, true, and beautiful, including (but not limited to) the words of Scripture.

Scripture is replete with examples of prayer and meditation that you can use as you teach your child how to practice these disciplines:

Therapeutic Prayers

Now hear my prayer, listen to my cry. – Psalm 88:2

Listen to my prayer; rescue me as you promised. – Psalm 119:170

Bend down, O Lord, and hear my prayer; answer me, for I need your help. – Psalm 86:1

So today when I came to the spring, I prayed this prayer: ‘O Lord, God of my master, Abraham, please give me success on this mission. – Genesis 24:42

O Lord, hear my plea for justice. Listen to my cry for help. Pay attention to my prayer, for it comes from honest lips. – Psalm 17:1

Listen to my prayer for mercy as I cry out to you for help, as I lift my hands toward your holy sanctuary. – Psalm 28:2

Now, a child may not be able to completely understand all of these verses, so if you can, have a conversation with him. You can tell him that:

  • Peace and healing come from God.
  • God always hears our prayers through His Son Jesus.
  • These prayers can apply to our specific needs today.

As mentioned, meditation offers another approach to achieving a calm, peaceful state of mind. This particular idea allows the child to stay engaged during the meditation exercise:

Simple Meditation Idea

  1. Find a quiet place free from noise and distractions.
  2. Explain that the purpose of meditation is quieting our thoughts so we can focus on God, His Word, and the beautiful world He has created. Emphasize that the child can choose whether and how to participate.
  3. Suggest that your child can close her eyes if she wants to. Ask her to join you in breathing slowly and deeply.
  4. If your child is younger, use the word “fun” and ask her where she likes to go to have fun. If she is older, you can use the word “relax.”
  5. Ask her to picture that place and go there in her imagination. What does she see? What smells can she identify? What sounds does she hear?
  6. Suggest that the child think about her emotions when she pictures that place. Don’t push her to share her emotions; just offer the thought as a suggestion for her to reflect.
  7. Ask her to take another deep breath, and let her know she can open her eyes if she wants to.
  8. Ask her about her experience during the meditation.

Self-Care

Do you ever feel completely overwhelmed and exhausted, like you just want to check out of life?

Kids feel that way, too! But they might not be able to express it in a helpful or pro-social way. Instead, they might have a meltdown or get really whiny or demanding, or beg for treats, or any number of other behaviors that can grate on parents’ or caregivers’ nerves.

Part of helping kids learn to self-regulate is teaching them self-care skills. When a child learns to identify what they’re feeling and what would make them feel better, they can manage those negative emotions a little bit better.

When does your child need a break? When are they headed toward a crisis? Even at a young age, kids can learn to be intentional with their time and to figure out which activities bring them joy.

Here a few ideas to start with when teaching your child how to engage in self-care:

Daily Self-Care for Children

  • Use the ideas listed above: prayer, meditation, journaling, or artwork.
  • Play a board or card game.
  • Take a relaxing bubble bath.
  • Take a nap.
  • Put together a puzzle.
  • Read a book.
  • Paint your nails.
  • Go for a walk in the neighborhood (obviously, with another person if the child is too young to go alone).
  • Go outside just to enjoy nature.
  • Cook or bake something (with help if needed).
  • Go swimming or do something else that’s active.
  • Turn on music and dance or sing along.
  • Play an instrument.

Consider helping your child develop non-digital ways to relax. Screens actually stimulate children’s minds more than we might realize, making it harder for them to be calm and rejuvenate. You can help them by setting an example of putting the devices down and spending time together as a family on interesting activities or hobbies.

The younger children are when they develop self-care habits, the more naturally they’ll be able to self-regulate and destress as they get older.

And as an adult, please don’t forget to practice self-care for yourself! Sometimes we struggle to support the kids in our lives emotionally because we feel like we’re barely surviving ourselves.

You don’t have to view the self-care ideas as a list of ways to entertain your child; many of them can be done independently. You can also help your child come up with their own list of ideas they might enjoy. Self-care for children and adults can have long-lasting positive effects.

Should Your Child See a Therapist?

These therapeutic activities can be a great beginning towards helping your child manage stress in their life. But sometimes at-home care isn’t quite enough. In that case, having your child come in for a few sessions with a Christian counselor may be just what they need to find healing and emotional health during a difficult season in their life.

Your child’s therapist can work with you to help you continue what you’re doing at home and find new ways of achieving wellness together.

Photos:
“Young and Sweet”, Courtesy of Jordan Ropwland, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Child of Light,” courtesy of Matheus Bertelli, pexels.com, CC0 License; “Dear Jesus,” courtesy of David Beale, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Smug,” courtesy of vborodinova, unsplash.com, CC0 License

OCD in Children: What Parents Need to Know

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When someone seems overly concerned about being clean, others might call them “obsessive.” When a person insists on specific behaviors or requires a certain order of things, words or actions, people may say they’re “compulsive”.

People may use the term “OCD” in an almost light-hearted manner to justify behaviors or rules which they themselves practice. But for anyone diagnosed with real Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), there is nothing light-hearted about their struggles. For them, the condition often brings distress and places limits on their every day lives to varying degrees.

According to information released by the American Psychiatric Association (APA), the best estimates are that about 1.2% of the American population struggles with OCD. It occurs in adults, teens, and children and it is likely that at least a million U.S. children wrestle with OCD symptoms (OCFMC, 2006).

Other studies predict that one child or teenager out of every 200 will develop OCD (AACAP, 2013). The average age when OCD begins is 19-1/2 years old, and 1/4 of all people who were diagnosed with OCD had developed obvious symptoms by the age of 14 (American Psychiatric Association, 2013).

Parents are overwhelmed and confused when one of their children develops the symptoms or begins to live under the dark cloud of the fears that are a part of OCD.

It’s difficult to know what to do when a child has an emotional meltdown or battles with someone who has (probably without realizing it) interfered with a “necessary” order of items and actions.

It should be good news to know that effective treatment is available. Parents should begin by learning all that they can about OCD with the goal of becoming better able to understand what a child with OCD is facing and how and where to find the right help.

What is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?

OCD is a mental health issue that is diagnosed by looking for genuine obsessions and/or compulsions.

Obsession: Obsessions may be defined as urges, thoughts, or images that intrude on a person’s mind and life in a way that becomes difficult or impossible to ignore (APA, 2013). For example, someone can become a germophobe. A child may become driven to seek perfection. Another lives with the constant fear of harming themselves or others.

Compulsion: Compulsions, on the other hand, are behaviors or mental acts that a person is driven to repeat again and again. Compulsions may grow out of obsessions (APA, 2013). People with OCD find themselves compelled to continually wash their hands, perform special rituals, engage in what is known as “checking” behaviors, count things, or even pray because they believe they must.

When a person suffers from OCD, they carry out certain acts (compulsions) to try to relieve anxiety or tension (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). Often the anxiety for which the person desperately wants relief is driven by an obsession. The compulsive behavior brings a measure of relief but it’s only temporary, so when the anxiety returns, the person must perform the action again to get relief. This develops into a cycle where relief from the anxiety reinforces the need to repeat the compulsive behavior in order to experience another brief period of relief.

The obsessions and compulsions are often connected, such as germophobia and washing one’s hands. Or, a student is so afraid of failing that he or she keeps on checking and checking his or her test answers even to the point of missing recess or lunch.

In other cases, the obsessions and compulsions may not seem to be related. Think, for example, of a child who counts a certain number of cracks in a sidewalk thinking it will keep his mother from being hurt. So, a diagnosis of OCD does not always mean that the obsessions and compulsions are related. A child may have one without the other.

How OCD develops and manifests itself can also vary. Also, the focus of obsessions and compulsions shift over time. For some people, obsessions and compulsion come out more obviously and intensely when they are under stress (APA, 2013). Those same people may experience fewer or less intense symptoms in situations where stress levels are low. And often, when one obsession or compulsion is eliminated, others may change.

True OCD symptoms are not simply small irritations. They consume a major portion of the time in a child’s day. Further, they may increase a child’s level of stress, bringing layers of problems.

For example, a germophobic child may wash their hands to the point that they become dry and cracked, and may even start to bleed. Then, he or she may also become terrified of being around sick people or having physical contact with someone who has even been close to a sick person.

This can disrupt relationships, or bring on peer harassment if the fears or behaviors become known. Brothers and sisters may feel rejected by the child who struggles with germophobia because he or she may avoid giving hugs or express fear which the siblings may take personally.

OCD not only affects the person who struggles with the obsessions and compulsions, but also impacts their family and friendships. Then the OCD sufferer feels shame over their compulsive behaviors. A child’s need to carry out these compulsions often builds more shame. The emotional distress that often comes with OCD can become so heavy that depression also develops.

OCD in Children: Catching it Early

Early warnings of OCD in children may go unnoticed. Children may find certain behaviors embarrassing and may try to hide them. But parents who observe some of the following in their child’s life may have reason to seek further assistance in checking out the possibility of OCD (OCFMC, 2006; AACAP, 2013):

1. Repetitive behaviors (washing their hands over and over, touching things in a specific order, anxiously rechecking school work, or repeatedly checking doors, etc.

2. Continuous fears that become extreme (such as unusual fears surrounding germs or dirt, or anxiety about the well being of the family).

3. Often repeated statements that go beyond reasonable concern and obsessively express worry outcomes that do not necessarily follow. “I must touch [this object] 10 times so that my sister will still like me” or “When I fail to pray a certain way, our team loses.”

4. Habits and behaviors beginning to get in the way of normal life or friendships.

5. Needing reassurance too much and too often (“will I be okay if…?”; “will it be okay…?”).

6. Constantly compulsion to carry out an action until everything feels “correct.”

7. Often driven to confess bad thoughts, like sexual imagery or thinking unkind thoughts about other people.

8. Avoiding more and more activities not connected to obsessions or compulsions

9. Always seeming to be behind (because obsessions and/or compulsions demand time).

10. Increased physical symptoms of anxiety, such as headaches and stomach aches.

What Causes Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?

As is typical of much of the world of mental illness, the exact causes of OCD are still largely a mystery. In fact, a number of different factors acting in combination, including environmental and biological factors, may be behind a child’s OCD.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (DSM-5), states that for those individuals who have a member of their immediate family that has OCD there is a 200% greater likelihood that they will develop OCD over those whose first-degree relatives are not OCD (APA, 2013).

What’s more, they also found that when the immediate family member has experienced childhood-onset OCD, the likelihood of developing OCD increases by 1000%. Other possible causes of OCD include significant life transitions (divorce, changing schools, etc), abuse, and loss (AACAP, 2013; APA, 2013).

Whatever the cause may be in a given instance, it has become clear that OCD has a significant effect on the brain. Brain scans have shown differences in brain activity between people who have OCD and those who do not (Scharwtz, 2016).

OCD may also have physical causes, so an evaluation by a medical professional is always a good idea. Physical causes may be addressed to help reduce contributing factors. For example, Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders Associated with Streptococcal (PANDAS) can trigger a sudden and severe onset of OCD or tic disorder symptoms (National Institute of Mental Health, 2016). In these cases, the streptococcal infection would require medical treatment.

Helping Your Child

If your child exhibits symptoms of OCD, there are a number of ways to find help and give good support.

  • Get immediate professional help and counsel. There is no reason for you to try to handle this alone!
  • Don’t fall into the trap of merely using reassurance as your tool to try to calm your child. This is not an effective way to reduce the symptoms nor does it teach your child to fight and manage them.
  • Don’t try to avoid everything that your child fears or is obsessed by since this only tends to reinforce their symptoms.
  • Give your healthy coping skills, like memorizing relevant Bible verses, relaxation techniques, evaluating the rationality of their thoughts, soothing activities, and learning to live in the moment. Stress tends to trigger and magnify symptoms, so being able to use effective stress management tools makes a real difference.
  • Demonstrate how to set proper boundaries. These can help your child handle stress.
  • Teach your child how to take care of themselves, like eating healthy foods and getting enough sleep,
  • Teach your child to recognize their obsessions and compulsions. Knowledge is a power.
  • Do not shame! There may be no logic behind OCD symptoms, but they are quite real and your child is not to blame.
  • Provide a time and place for your child to express and process negative feelings, like embarrassment and shame, that go along with OCD symptoms.
  • Find support for yourself and a place to process your own feelings about your child’s OCD symptoms. You may experience frustration and fear, along with any number of other difficult but typical emotions. Learn to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your child.

Treatment for OCD in Children

To confirm a diagnosis of OCD in children, parents should seek an evaluation by an experienced mental health professional. The DSM-5 states that OCD left untreated unlikely to go away and the symptoms will fluctuate as time goes on (APA, 2013).

Several different therapies exist for treating OCD in children. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is one of the most recommended. One kind of CBT applied quite often is known as Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP).

Much like it sounds, ERP is a type of therapy where a patient is taught not to act on any compulsion in order to ease their anxiety. Counselors will then teach a child various tools to deal with the difficult emotions.

Though the idea of asking a child not to use his or her compulsive behaviors in the face of anxiety may sound frightening, therapy can be paced so that anxiety does not become unmanageable.

Other methods of CBT, include “imagined exposure” and learning to overcome negative and illogical thinking patterns. For some children, play therapy may be a part of treatment.

Along with counseling medical, evaluation is crucial. A medical professional can help determine whether medication might help.

It may also be necessary to ask your child’s school for any help or support they may be equipped to offer. You should talk to your counselor about this.

Remember, you need not try to parent your OCD child alone! Reach out to a counselor today to ask questions and discuss the many options available.

There is hope and healing!

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How to Find the Right Family Therapist for You

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Could your family benefit from getting counseling together? If so, how do you find a family therapist that’s right for you? It’s normal to feel hesitant about finding a good match for your family. A therapist can make or break the entire counseling process.

By reading this article you’re taking the first step in what can be a journey of healing and hope. We’ll discuss different types of family counselors, how to select one who’s right for you, and how to budget for counseling. Take the time to consider each point in the selection process, and you’ll be equipped to make an informed decision.

Does My Family Need Therapy?

Just as with physical illness, early treatment for family issues can prevent many problems later on. Unfortunately, many of us don’t seek relational help until we are at our wits’ end.

You’ve probably made several attempts to heal the brokenness in your family. Maybe you feel like you’re in crisis mode now. Counseling becomes the last resort when you’ve done everything else. If you’re at this point, there is hope.

Secrecy empowers sin and strife. As painful as it can be to talk about what’s going on, verbalizing the issues can offer massive relief and help you figure out what to do next.

If you’re not in crisis yet, be encouraged. It’s wonderful to seek help early. Your problems are not too small; rather, they have huge potential for healing when they’re brought out into the open before they’ve taken over and destroyed lives.

What is the first thing to consider in your search for a counselor? Take a step back and assess your family’s most pressing needs. Although not everyone will immediately let their guard down in counseling, each member of the family should feel emotionally safe and honored in therapy.

What Are Your Family’s Specific Needs?

Do your best to nail down your family’s specific counseling needs, because some family counselors specialize in specific areas of treatment.

What areas of your family life need the most help? Many families seek help for their children in a group setting to offer their support. Sometimes couples need help with communication issues, or parents feel overwhelmed and want to set new and healthier patterns.

Read through the following types of therapy and think about which one(s) may meet your needs:

Couples Therapy

Counseling for couples can really run the gamut from neutral to desperate situations, but it’s not just for the desperate situations, even though many people associate marriage counseling with imminent divorce.

Couples therapy can apply to you if you are in a relationship or engaged or married. Maybe you’re in a destructive conflict cycle, or you just need help communicating effectively, or you want to strengthen your relationship even though you’re not having any major issues now.

Behavior Intervention

Behavior intervention applies to children who are struggling with problem behaviors, or to adults who are behaving inappropriately either in public or at home. In the family therapy setting, parents and the child will work with the counselor to identify unacceptable behaviors, set boundaries, and create rewards systems, along with other helpful skills.

This type of therapy really thrives on parental involvement. The parents can witness the tools the therapist uses during sessions, and then practice applying those skills at home with their child.

Behavior intervention for children usually starts with a conversation between the therapist and the parents. The therapist usually asks about three components of problem behaviors:

  • What happens before?
  • What happens during?
  • What happens after?

Once the parents explain how these situations normally transpire, the therapist will work with them and their child to change everyone’s behavior in all three areas by using education and practical skill development.

Parent Coaching

Behavior intervention focuses on both parents and children, but parent coaching focuses on the parents and how they can improve their skills. Children may be present for sessions, but the therapy won’t focus primarily on their behavior.

As opposed to an interventional approach, coaching helps parents develop positive skills to become more effective in nurturing their child(ren)’s physical, emotional, and social wellbeing. Coaching will address discipline, helping children to listen and obey, and setting appropriate boundaries for each member of the family.

Parent/Child Issues

Do you feel that your relationship with your child has had a breakdown, and you’re not sure where to turn to fix the damage? Family therapy can help rebuild your relationship and find the right parenting method for this particular child.

Children going through puberty or experiencing life stress or mental health issues may struggle to have a good relationship with their parents. They may exhibit disrespect and dislike. Parents also deal with life stressors, mental health issues, and other factors that can make positive parenting difficult.

Counseling can help stop unhealthy patterns and replace them with healthy habits that will facilitate a thriving relationship between parent and child.

Navigating Systems Involvement

Child Protective Services, law enforcement, or the schools may involve themselves in family life for a number of different reasons. Families in crisis often have experienced intervention in one or more of these areas. How do you navigate these systems? A clinical social worker can provide advocacy and therapeutic support.

What’s Most Important in a Family Therapist?

In large part, the success of your counseling experience depends on your comfort level with your chosen therapist. Therapists have different beliefs, skills, and temperaments. Some use tough love, while others have a gentler approach. Not everyone’s personalities will mesh well together, so it’s important that yours is a good fit with your counselor’s.

It’s not unusual to meet with a couple of therapists before you find the best one for you. Remember, you can interview them by asking questions about their practice and what the process usually looks like.

Before you even meet with them, you can screen out potential problems online by reading about their practice and any articles or blogs they’ve written. Finding the right personality and specialization will help you get the most out of therapy.

What kind of practice does your potential therapist work in? What are their specializations? Maybe you have young children, but your potential therapist is most experienced in working with adult children and parents. A therapist with child-specific experience may be skilled in using play therapy in the family counseling setting.

If you are looking for a faith-based counselor, you’ll want to carefully screen therapists to make sure you won’t be working from conflicting worldviews.

Other Considerations

Budgeting for therapy can concern potential clients quite a bit, so it’s important to discuss this practical side of seeking counseling.

First, consider the value you place on therapy and the perspective that it can preventative medicine for your family relationships. Yes, therapy is expensive, but as counselors, we truly believe it’s worth it.

Next, sit down and figure out exactly what you can afford to spend. When a therapist bills insurance directly, they are considered an in-network-provider. These providers will take payment from you and bill your insurance for you.

Some therapists will directly bill your insurance, making them an in-network provider. But many therapists don’t take insurance due to high operating costs; instead, they operate as out-of-network providers.

With an out-of-network provider, you will pay a fee for each session and receive a receipt. You can give the receipt to your insurance provider, and they may reimburse you for some or all of the fee.

Before you attend your first session, please call your insurance provider to find out if they will reimburse you for any counseling services rendered.

What if you don’t have insurance, or your insurance won’t cover counseling? You can choose to pay out-of-pocket for each session, most of which run between $150 and $200 each. Some therapists may have different fees or operate on a sliding scale based on income.

Both fees and sliding scales vary widely among individual therapists and practices, based on operating costs, client income, practice size, etc., so don’t hesitate to look in several places to find an option that meets your family’s needs.

If you don’t think you’ll be able to make private therapy work for your family, you may be able to find a non-profit provider who takes state insurance or a local clinic that offers inexpensive therapy. Some people are able to meet with counseling interns who are in the process of receiving their master’s degree or licensure and can offer therapy at a reduced rate.

Where Can I Find a Family Therapist Near Me?

Now that you’ve considered some of the most important factors of finding the right family therapist for your needs, a good first step is to call your insurance company to discuss in-network providers who will bill sessions to them.

If you are looking for Christian counseling, you may be interested in our practice at Newport Beach Christian Counseling. We are one of the largest faith-based counseling practices, offering skilled, compassionate therapy for families, couples, and individuals. Visit our website to find a family therapist near you.

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Child Behavior: Ten Issues Parents Need to Address

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Problematic behavior is not uncommon; everyone exhibits it at some time, for example in excessive reactions to something someone says, or in unhealthy coping mechanisms such as comfort eating. Problematic child behavior is even more common, as their developing brain only reaches maturity in adulthood.

In addition, children may be able to exert more control over their behavior in some kinds of circumstances rather than in others, particularly when emotions are running high. While parents find this understandably exasperating, it is normal.

That being said, there are some problematic behaviors in children that parents must not ignore. This is especially true when these behaviors happen frequently and have a detrimental impact on a child’s life and relationships.

When this happens, it is definitely time to take action. Responding quickly increases the chance of putting a stop to the behavior before it intensifies and/or has serious ramifications.

Whatever the behavioral challenges you are facing with your children, do not despair. Because a child’s brain is still developing it has an outstanding capability to change. Caregivers and other adults can assist a child in building appropriate coping skills and emotional-regulation techniques that will help to address challenging behavior.

As we explore various child behavior problems, it is important to consider the reasons behind the child’s behavior, which Daniel Siegel, M.D. And Tina Payne Bryson, PhD., in their book No Drama Discipline (2014) call “chasing the why”.

Instead of assuming the reason for the behavior, which we tend to base on our own reactions, it is crucial to investigate what may be causing it.

10 Child Behavior Issues

1. Lying

It is probably fair to say that most, if not all, people have told lies, whether big or small, so it is not unusual for children to also do so. However, there is a point at which lying reaches problem status – when lying becomes a regular occurrence or a habit. Children may have various motivations for lying.

A child may resort to lies when they feel afraid and worried; in this case, lying may be a means of avoidance or management of an object or situation they are afraid of. Issues of self-esteem may also result in lying; in this instance to project a different self-image to their peers. A child who feels ashamed after being reprimanded or having scored badly on a test may lie as a result of a poor self-confidence.

Additionally, Carol Brady, Ph.D., suggests that children with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) may lie because of impulse-control difficulties. (ADDitude Magazine). That is, they do not think before they speak.

2. Stealing

As with telling lies, many children will, at some point, try stealing. Most of them, however, will rapidly realize that stealing is an unacceptable behavior. For those children who continue to steal and do not recognize it as unacceptable, stealing becomes a problem behavior.

There may be various explanations for why a child steals. It may be that the act of stealing is exhilarating to a child, or perhaps because it enables them to somehow feel in control. It is important to question a child’s motivation to get to the bottom of the behavior.

3. Violence Toward Self, Others, or Property

A more serious behavioral problem concerns children who threaten to hurt themselves or other persons. It is vital that these threats are not dismissed or ignored. Similarly, children who engage in self-injury (e.g. cutting or scratching) or who exhibit bullying behaviors towards others must be taken seriously.

Such distressing behaviors can be warning signs that the child is struggling with deep-rooted emotional issues, such as depression. Self-injury, for example, is a coping mechanism that some people use when they experience emotions that are too intense for them to regulate. It is crucial to get professional help as a matter of urgency when a child speaks of suicide, self-harm or makes threats towards themselves or other people.

4. Temper Tantrums

It is not unusual for children to have temper tantrums when they are beginning to learn how to self-regulate their emotions. An inability to regulate emotions leads to a tantrum. Factors such as a child’s brain maturity and their surroundings (e.g. school, stressful environments) can have a significant impact on a child’s emotional regulation.

It has been well documented that children who might be described as of a sensitive disposition (e.g. children who have strong emotional reactions and who struggle to return to an equilibrium) can take longer to establish the emotional regulation techniques that they need to have in order to avoid having meltdowns as they experience feelings of being out-of-control.

Parents and caregivers can build skills that allow them to have a soothing effect on a child who is having a tantrum, and avoid doing things which make the tantrum worse. In addition, children can learn techniques to implement once they begin to feel overwhelmed, so as to not “freak out”. Dealing with tantrums requires a large dose of patience and a collaborative approach.

Children who have an excessive amount of tantrums that last significantly longer than other children’s tantrums, or who become violent (to others or themselves) during tantrums likely need professional help. Likewise, parents who feel overwhelmed by their child’s tantrums might benefit from outside help. Counselors can help both parents and children to develop coping skills and emotion regulation techniques.

5. Argumentative/Disrespectful Attitude

Children who unexpectedly start being belligerent and discourteous toward authority are likely to be finding it difficult to cope with their emotions. It may be that the child feels unsettled or unbalanced, and their behavior is a means of exerting some kind of control.

Another reason for this type of behavior may be that the child is experiencing depression or anxiety. It can also be a case of pushing the limits or tying in impress friends.

6. Ignoring Others

Whilst in some cases ignoring people can be attributed to belligerence, this behavior may also suggest that there is a deeper lying cause. For instance, a sign of inattentive ADHD is not listening; instead of focusing on what is being said to them, a child with ADHD may experience wandering thoughts.

The child may have an active imagination and find it hard to stay present, getting lost in their imaginings. If ADHD is the cause of the problem of ignoring others, it is possible for children to be taught ways of managing their difficulties with concentration.

A child that suddenly starts to ignore others, preferring to lose themselves in their own world, may be experiencing overwhelming emotions. They may find it difficult or even impossible to explain their feelings, and it becomes easier to withdraw into themselves.

Regardless of the cause, it is advisable to ask for help when a child’s ignoring behavior becomes a habit.

7. School Refusal

It is wrong to assume that when a child refuses to go to school it is because of a simple dislike of school or education. This may indeed be the case, but school refusal can also be an indicator that something more serious is at work, particularly if the child suddenly begins to refuse to go to school, has uncharacteristic meltdowns before school, or starts complaining about physical symptoms such as stomach aches or headaches.

It is a good idea to ask yourself what the child’s behavior is telling you. Children may be apprehensive about school for a number of reasons. Some children have anxieties related to being separated from their caregiver or fear that their caregiver will die or in some other way abandon them.

In other cases, children may fear school because they are being bullied, or because they have a learning disability or processing disorder that makes learning a stressful and anxiety-provoking challenge.

Children who suffer from depression and anxiety also struggle with school and may refuse to go to school. It is advisable to seek help from a counselor who can help to get to the root of the school refusal and equip the child with skills to overcome the problem.

8. Lack of Motivation

It is unfair to dismiss children who struggle with motivation as being ‘lazy’. These children may have underlying issues that are affecting them on a number of levels. For instance, poor levels of motivation is a common sign of depression. It may well be that the child is afraid of failure, or not meeting up to standards (e.g. those set by an older sibling). Anxiety may also cause difficulties with motivation.

9. Substance Use

Because substance use is both obvious and problematic, it is not something that should be ignored. Although substance use is traditionally considered to be an adult or teenage problem, it can start in childhood.

It is important to uncover the underlying reasons why a child feels the need to use substances – for example, is it as a means of coping? Or is it because of peer pressure from friends?

Whatever the reason behind the substance use, it is vital that there is intervention before there are serious and negative consequences.

10. Early Sexualized Behavior

Children who start to exhibit sexualized behavior before puberty are showing indicators of something more serious underlying the behavior. It is necessary to investigate the causes of the behavior and to evaluate the kinds of sexual materials that they may have had access to. Specially trained professionals can help to deal with this kind of behavior.

What to Do About Child Behavior Problems

To address problematic behaviors, you need to understand the root cause. Only then are you able to intervene in a way that will allow the child to develop healthy coping mechanisms. It is important to remember that every problem behavior has a cause rather than simply focusing on the behavior as a problem.

The starting point for addressing the behavior is to look beyond the surface and ask yourself questions that will help you uncover the root cause. For example, “What is this behavior really about? Is my daughter anxious because of difficulties with her friends? Is my son acting out because of the atmosphere at home? Does my child have issues with regulating overwhelming emotions?”

Remember that what we class as problem behavior can be classed as an adaptive reaction in children when they simply do not know how to deal with a difficult situation (Siegel & Bryson, 2014).

Take this example: a child pretends to be in pain because she has a test that she is sure she will fail. Her anxiety about the situation leaves her unable to cope with the intense feelings, and avoidance seems her only option. The more she relies on avoidance, the bigger her anxiety and the bigger the problem. She avoids school out of fear, not out of laziness.

If, as adults, we sometimes resort to dysfunctional coping mechanisms such as over-eating when upset or over-reacting to someone’s comment, then it stands to reason that children, who have neither the brain maturity nor coping resources that adults have, will also exhibit problem behaviors.

It would be wrong for adults to expect children to be able to cope with all situations and not resort to problematic behaviors. Even so, problem behaviors should not be ignored. Instead, find out what skills the child needs to develop and teach them the techniques.

It is helpful to evaluate what purpose the behavior serves for the child. This facilitates an understanding of what is really happening, rather than simply seeing the negatives. A counselor with an understanding of child brain development can teach both you and your child the skills necessary to promote healthy emotion regulation.

When to Seek Help

It is important to seek professional advice when a child conveys a desire to hurt himself or herself or someone else. Similarly, the help of a counselor should be sought when a behavioral problem is having a consistently negative impact on a child’s grades or friendships, or when there is a consistent increase in the problematic behavior.

It is not unusual for parents and caregivers to be overwhelmed by their child’s problem behaviors. It can be beneficial to gain an understanding of new or different techniques to help both you and your child. Help is just an email or a call away.

Resources

Huebner, D., & Matthews, B. What to do when you worry too much: A kids’ guide to overcoming problems with anxiety. Washington, D.C.: Magination Press, 2005.

Huebner, D., & Matthews, B. What to do when your temper flares: A kids’ guide to overcoming problems with anger. Washington, D.C.: Magination Press, 2007.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. New York: Delacorte Press, 2011.

Siegel, D.J., & Bryson, T.P. The yes brain: How to cultivate courage, curiosity, and resilience in your child. New York: Bantam Books, 2014.

References

Siegel, D.J., & Bryson, T.P. No-drama discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind. New York: Bantam Books, 2014.

Brady, Carol, PhD., The Truth About Your Child’s Lies. https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/what-to-do-when-your-child-lies/, Retrieved 9/9/18.

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“Pouting,” courtesy of martakoton, pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Egg Stealer”, Courtesy of Andrew Poynton, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Child with Arms Crossed”, Courtesy of Chinh Le Duc, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Smoke with Me”, Courtesy of Smoke & Vibe, Unsplash.com; CC0 License