Fighting, or strongly disagreeing, doesn’t always have to be a terrible experience. Of course, if it is done badly, it can be incredibly damaging and unpleasant. However, there are some simple rules and bits of relationship help that, if followed, can ensure that energetic disagreements can be handled and resolved in a civil and loving manner.
One thing to remember is this: when it comes to fighting, you cannot control the other person’s reactions nor regulate their behavior. You do, however, have complete autonomy over your own responses.
With that in mind, let’s take a look at a series of fair-fighting rules that will provide relationship help as you resolve your differences in a productive and gracious way.
Relationship Help: Rules for Fair Fighting
Ask yourself why you are upset
Before entering into a disagreement, assess your emotional state. Have you had a long day at work? Are you hungry or tired? Retaining a bit of self-awareness in these moments can ensure that you don’t, without good reason, launch into a fight that is going to hurt others and negatively affect the relationships closest to you.
If it is too late for you, and you’ve already switched into attack mode, it is worth reflecting on whether there were any outside factors that caused you to launch into a fight. Knowing your weak spots can ensure that you don’t fight unnecessarily, which can be detrimental to you and your loved ones.
How can you guard against starting unnecessary fights? Well, implementing techniques of mindfulness can be extremely beneficial, as you attempt to healthily regulate your emotions. Take a moment, breathe, and reflect on why you are feeling stressed or upset. If you are still tied up in a “work” headspace, let it go as you walk through the front door and don’t let your feelings dictate your emotional responses once back in the home.
Take on one issue at a time
Too often, fights are sparked by a small thing which you hoped could be addressed briefly and without too much issue. However, things often escalate as other factors get added to the mix. This can muddy the waters of the discussion and make things more complex than they should be. As such, it is important to make a conscious effort to stick to just one issue at a time.
Set yourself a rule that prohibits you from bringing up other issues when you are setting aside time to discuss one particular thing. This can be incredibly difficult and will require the biting of your tongue. However, in the long run, it will save you a lot of stress and hassle and will make your fights much more productive and solution-oriented.
It might be wise to note down a few things that you wish to bring up with the other person prior to the discussion beginning. With this guide for reference, you will be able to stick to the issues at hand instead of straying unnecessarily into other areas. Focusing on one dispute at a time will greatly improve the likelihood of a positive outcome after your fight.
Cut out degrading language
When you are extremely stressed out, tired and frustrated, it can be easy to let the tongue go a little loose. However, calling the person names and insulting them will only put them on the defensive and make it difficult for productive discussion to ensue.
Of course, venting anger in this way can feel rather cathartic at the time, but it never encourages life in a discussion or energetic conversation – it only stunts the resolution and causes emotional damage.
Instead, you might be wise to exchange harsh terms for constructive questions. For example, if you are tempted to call the person an “idiot” for not understanding how they have hurt you, hold your tongue! Instead, you could ask something to the effect of “can you help me understand why you did this?”
This technique ensures that the fight does not get overly personal and will reduce the heat of the exchange. It is incredibly important that these passionate conversations stay within the parameters of the issue at hand and do not, in an unwarranted way, become about the other person’s character.
Put across your feelings with words
Expressing your inmost feelings, particularly if you are upset, can be incredibly difficult to do. However, it is possible to put across your feelings and emotions in words. If you are upset or disappointed, simply state “I’m upset” and explain why. When you fail to express your feelings verbally, you tend to internalize and, eventually, burst out in anger or frustration at the person.
Always beginning these remarks with “I” or “I’m” will ensure that you do not unfairly pin blame on the other person for making you feel a certain way.
Try not to talk over each other
In order to keep the discussion cordial and productive, try not to talk over each other. Taking turns adding to the conversation will ensure that you do not become frustrated by a lack of progress. When someone talks over you, it can be incredibly annoying and only go to stoke any anger or frustration you may be feeling.
Sometimes, this will require you to take the high road and break the cycle of interruption. It can be tempting, when you are being interrupted yourself, to hit back with a louder voice and stronger opinions, but this only results in more heated arguments and therefore less productive conversation.
Take your time, think, listen and prepare your response. Resist the urge to impulsively jump into the conversation before the person has finished expressing themselves.
Stonewalling is when you decide to completely shut down the conversation or argument, often without good reason. While some argue this is because they “don’t like arguing,” it can become an unhealthy coping method that leaves things unresolved and allows resentment and bad feeling to fester and grow.
It is so important that you express your feelings and allow the other person to do the same. Do this well, and you will avoid a huge amount of unwanted conflict in the future. Stonewalling might appear to be a “quick fix,” but it rarely solves complex relational difficulties. Things must be brought out into the open between two people so that healing and reconciliation can take place.
Yelling very rarely has any positive impact on a fight or argument. More often than not, raising your voice simply causes the situation to spiral out of control. When one person raises their voice, the other often feels as if they must match the volume, and this quickly results in stunted progress in the conversation and an escalation of negative emotion.
In addition, when you raise your voice, it can come across like you are attempting to shut the conversation down. This may result in the other person completely withdrawing from the argument and so no resolution is achieved.
Take a break if you need it
There is no harm in taking a timeout. If things have gotten out of hand, just take five minutes to cool down. This will ensure that things to do not become corrosive or damaging between the two people. When you are embroiled in an emotionally-charged argument, it can be incredibly difficult to simply “leave it there” for now. But sometimes, this is essential to avoid serious relational damage.
If you are breaking too many of the conversational rules that should govern good arguments, you might be wise to take a break, take a breather and come back to it refreshed and with a calmer mind.
Always attempt to compromise
Compromise is an essential element of any relationship. Of course, we all want to get our own way entirely, but this is just not how life works. Sometimes, you have to give a little in order to come to an amicable agreement. Total agreement does not have to be achieved, and you might even be uttering that famous phrase “let’s agree to disagree.” However, this is much better than being at loggerheads with each other.
Allowing the other person to “get their own way,” might not be as hard as you think, and the benefits of showing this grace will be evident to see. So, always try and compromise in some way even if it feels self-sacrificial.
How to get help with fighting fairly
The right therapist can be an absolute lifesaver for any couple seeking to improve the way they disagree or fight. You might need to try a few different ones to find a good fit but putting the time in to do this is absolutely worth it.
A therapist will help you see things from the other person’s perspective and ensure that you are equipped with the tools required to be able to argue and fight with the bigger goal of reconciliation at the forefront of your mind.
If you’re looking for a professional, qualified, and faith-filled therapist who will be able to help you get your relationship back on track, contact us today to schedule an apppointment. We would be happy to help.
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