Learn to Recognize the Symptoms of a Severe Panic Attack

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Severe panic attacks, although scary and emotionally draining, are not physically damaging. Know the symptoms so you can discern if you are experiencing a severe panic attack. You can consult with a counselor on lifestyle changes, techniques, and therapy that can decrease the occurrences or even stop a panic attack.

Symptoms of a Severe Panic Attack

Symptoms of a severe panic attack impact both physical and psychological health. In some cases, it can feel like a heart attack. Consult with your physician if you experience a severe panic attack for the first time. During a panic attack, take deep breaths and try to remain calm. If you are driving, pull off to a safe place until you feel more grounded. Ask a counselor about deep breathing and grounding techniques.

Heart Palpitations

A pounding heart or heart palpitations can often feel like a thudding in your chest. You might notice the movement under a shirt. The pounding can become extreme to the point that your chest and back hurt. It may be more noticeable while lying down.

Chest Tightness

Chest tightness is uncomfortable. If you are a woman, you may feel this tightness around your bra line. It may help to remove any tight clothing until the severe panic attack passes. It is this chest tightness, combined with numbness or tingling in the arm, and shortness of breath, that mimics a heart attack.

Stomach Upset

Anxiety and stress can cause digestive issues, such as stomach upset, indigestion, heartburn, and acid reflux. Nausea and diarrhea can also occur. In some people, sudden hot flashes or chills from a severe panic attack can trigger nausea.

Shortness of Breath

Anxiety causes you to breathe faster and shallower. This can trigger shortness of breath. You might have feelings of suffocation because you can’t quite catch your breath. Deep breathing practices help to slow your breathing, staving off dizziness. Inhale through your nose, filling your lungs completely, hold the breath for a few seconds, and then slowly exhale through the mouth. Repeat as necessary. A counselor can walk you through various deep breathing practices.

Trouble Swallowing

Panic attacks can trigger dysphagia, trouble swallowing, due to the oversensitivity of your body’s reactions to the panic attack. Muscle tension and concern about swallowing can create the sensation of a lump in the throat or thoughts of choking.

Numbness or Tingling in Arms and Legs

Numbness and tingling in the arms, legs, and face are common during a panic attack. Trembling or shaking in the extremities can also occur as stress hormones are released to prepare you for perceived danger.

Dizziness

The shallow breathing responsible for shortness of breath can also cause dizziness. Severe dizziness can make it challenging to drive. If you are experiencing dizziness during a severe panic attack, pull off the road to a safe area or ask someone else to drive until the panic attack has passed.

Feeling Dread or Terror

Feelings of dread or terror, or a fear of fainting or dying, can accompany a severe panic attack. The sensation of losing control can exacerbate dizziness. Anxiety only feeds into these feelings of impending doom.

Professional Help for Panic Attacks

A pattern of severe panic attacks may require professional help. Therapies, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), are effective in addressing the thought-emotion-behavior cycle. Contact our office today to speak to a representative to schedule a session with a Christian counselor. We offer virtual appointments to make it more accessible.

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What to Do When You Notice Signs of Anger Issues in Someone

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Of all the emotions we feel, anger can be one of the most destructive and volatile when it gets out of control. It’s not always easy to know the difference between a normal angry response and an anger issue. When you aren’t used to anger, a person expressing themselves heatedly or passionately can seem alarming.

It can still be easy to miss the signs of anger issues in someone, especially if they are expressive or unfiltered in their communication. One of the challenges of confronting someone when you suspect that they have an anger issue is that they might blow up, and you could run the risk of damaging the relationship.

When it comes to recognizing the signs of anger issues, it helps to compare them to healthy expressions of anger. Not all anger is damaging or uncontrollable. Anger is often a rational response to injustice or unfairness, and it can be helpful or even feel therapeutic to express.

When you have seen this kind of anger, it becomes easier to see unhealthy, explosive anger. When you distinguish between the two, you can set some boundaries and confront the person with firm but caring words.

Anger can be an empowering emotion, and some people have learned to leverage it to their advantage in a bullying way. Whether they commit to therapy to manage their anger issues is their choice. The least you can do is make your feelings about their behavior clear and define the kind of communication you won’t accept. Hopefully, they will become aware of how their behavior is affecting those around them and agree to do the work to change.

Examples of Healthy Anger

Some people learn how to express their anger in ways that don’t damage people around them. They still get triggered in certain moments, but they don’t lose control or act impulsively. If they lose control or say harmful things, they take responsibility for it. To the person who knows how to regulate their emotions, anger is not an excuse to insult, shout at, or threaten others.

When people learn to channel their anger appropriately, the intensity of their outbursts is proportional to the situation. One of the first signs of anger issues is that people explode over relatively small things, with their anger burning for a long time afterward. You can sometimes notice them becoming more enraged as the situation escalates. What was a minor triggering event becomes a massive issue with collateral damage.

By contrast, a person who healthily channels their anger isn’t personal or hurtful with the things they say. They will use ‘I’ statements, rather than accusatory ‘you’ statements, taking ownership of their feelings in the situation and not blaming anyone else for the way they react. They know how to be honest in a respectful way.

When they do become overwhelmed with anger, they step away from the situation so that they can cool down and ground themselves. Once they have addressed the situation, their anger will dissipate, and they will regulate their mood accordingly.

Healthy anger is not silent and sulky, it is not repressed and passive-aggressive, and it does not pretend that everything is fine when it’s not. People who have control over their anger will express their needs clearly, but they are also willing to listen to another point of view if it means finding a resolution to the issue.

They are not set on winning an argument or forcing everyone else to accept their point of view. There is a maturity behind their outbursts. It’s clear that, although they are angry now, they ultimately want to find a solution.

Spotting the Signs of Anger Issues

Sometimes anger burns like a forest fire, consuming everything in its path. The signs of anger issues become obvious once you understand what regulated anger looks like.

Small things, like being inconvenienced, trigger a person with an anger issue. Their anger can go from calm to rage in a matter of seconds, and it is frequently disproportionate to the situation. Once they are in a rage, they will continue to yell, argue, or break things until they become aware of their tantrum and start feeling ashamed.

People with anger issues almost always feel embarrassed and ashamed after an outburst. Their apologies and attempts to mitigate the damage are not always successful, and their shame is seldom sufficient to break the pattern. In the moment of escalating anger, they feel helpless to the pull of their emotions, sometimes even blacking out during a fit of rage.

Another clear sign of anger issues is how long it takes for them to calm down and get back to their emotional base level. When you have no handle on your anger, it quite literally takes over and steers you toward disaster.

The final and most important thing to consider when looking for signs of anger issues is frequency. Everyone gets angry occasionally, some more than others, depending on their personality type. The person with an anger issue will blow up multiple times a day.

Triggers are often minor, their response is rapid, and anger is intense. It takes a long time for it to subside. People with anger issues have regular outbursts each day, to the point that people around them learn to read their mood, walking on eggshells if they sense danger.

Setting Boundaries and Speaking Out

Confronting someone about their anger issue can feel like a dangerous thing to do because you will likely be met with more anger. For this reason, you must pick your time carefully and prepare what you plan to say in advance. Pick a time when you are both calm and proceed with caution but determination. It might help to have a script or some bullet points written down to guide the conversation.

First, address their anger issue and follow it up by stating your boundaries in relation to their anger. Avoid making personal statements about their character. Instead, focus on the impact of their anger using ‘I’ statements.

You could say, “I get terrified when you blow up” or “I feel unsafe each time you yell.” Statements like these lower their defensiveness and help them to see the impact of their anger. You can also point out any patterns you’ve noticed, like the fact that they might target their anger at a specific person or blow up when confronted by certain topics.

This is your time to express yourself, so follow this by stating your boundaries. You can do this by making statements like, “I will not remain in the room when you start shouting,” or “If you start being aggressive, I will end the conversation.”

If they regularly become violent when they’re angry, consider finding a safe place to go each time they have an outburst, or involving outside support. If you plan to involve someone like a counselor, let them know that this is a part of your boundaries and conditions for continuing to engage with them.

It’s not always easy to tell when someone has an anger issue or to confront it. If you want to stay alongside this person and help them find the help they need, you must be prepared to speak to them openly, honestly, and gently. If they are willing to cooperate, you have an opportunity to lead them to the help they need.

If you don’t know where to start when it comes to helping someone with an anger issue, you could always speak with a counselor. They will help you find the words and courage to confront the situation, as well as provide long-term support for you. You can find someone in the online catalog or by talking with our reception team. Reach out to learn more.

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Unpopular Opinion: It’s Okay If You Don’t Bond With Your Baby Overnight When Struggling With Perinatal Depression

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“Cherish every second; they’re only little for so long!”

Does just hearing that statement make you want to cringe instead of agreeing? You’re a new mum, but it feels like the whole world is pushing this perfect image of early parenthood, making you feel like you’re missing out when your days are just a blur of screaming and worrying.

You look down at their sweet little face in the darkness and panic sets in: “Wait, do I even know this person?” Maybe it feels more like you’re a hired babysitter than a mother filled with unconditional love. You’re going through the motions of feeding, burping, and cleaning, but your heart just isn’t there.

Actually, you’d be surprised how many parents experience a bit of a delay in feeling that immediate connection.

It’s not unusual for bonding to take time, particularly when a mother’s brain chemistry is adjusting to a significant drop in mood-boosting hormones post-birth. This lack of those immediate, overwhelming feelings is a genuine sign of mood disorders, often clinically linked to perinatal depression. So no, you are not a horrible person.

The Polished Image Versus the Emptiness Within

The problem is that most parents are led to believe that falling in love with your newborn is supposed to be as instinctual as blinking. When that instinct doesn’t happen, your brain kicks into overdrive with thoughts of “what’s wrong with me?”

You find yourself going through the motions of parenting like a robot- changing diapers and rocking the baby swing like it’s on autopilot. Meanwhile, you feel absolutely nothing.

Motherhood, coupled with depression, just drags your feelings through the wringer. There’s no emotional capacity left when your brain is struggling to function on little to no happy chemicals. And in the lulls between feeling overwhelmed, you’re left with a profound void.

You might as well be watching yourself in a movie of your life, disgusted at the fake smile you give your girlfriends when they ask if you’re finally bonding with your child.

Most advice given after birth seems to overlook this intense feeling.

You’ve been given plenty of advice, like staring into your baby’s eyes, just crying it out, or trying skin-to-skin for hours. In reality, forcing yourself to love your baby when your brain is lacking all the normal happy chemicals it needs to function is like telling someone with no cell service just to make a call. It’s just not going to happen.

Pushing yourself to perform these acts will only heighten your sense of separation, as you’re confronted with the feelings you ought to have but lack. This false narrative sets you up for failure and fuels your postpartum depression even more.

Keeping Yourself Well Balanced

When baby boot camp fails you, it’s time to ditch the checklist. Healing your brain and developing a relationship with your baby takes time, patience, and baby steps. For days when you’re barely holding it together, there are a few simple tips you can try to cope.

Start by treating the baby like a roommate: You don’t have to love your roommate when you first meet them to feed them, keep them from poking themselves with needles, and provide them with a place to sleep while you figure them out.

Just say what you’re feeling out: Even saying, “Honestly, you’re not my priority right now” out loud won’t hurt. In fact, it might help you have a good laugh in the bathroom. Sharing those wild thoughts with your baby can highlight just how untrue and unreal they are.

Let someone else take over with them for a little while: Allow your partner or a friend to hold the baby for an hour while you tackle a chore that isn’t baby-related. Clean the bathroom sink for all you care- just do something that allows you to break away from feeling guilty about not bonding.

Focus on small tasks together: Take care of feeding and changing like a job that needs to get done together, instead of forcing some deep spiritual connection every time you both breathe.

Baby steps: Learn to accept your new housemate like you would any other human being. Building a relationship takes time. Even if you didn’t have a chemical imbalance, falling in love with your baby isn’t something that just happens overnight.

You’ve just been through a major physical ordeal, and now you’re faced with the task of caring for another human.

Give Yourself a Break

The love you’re hoping for often arrives when you’ve stopped trying so hard. Eventually, your emotions will start to kick back in, usually not all at once but in small doses.

It’s perfectly fine if you don’t immediately feel those profound maternal instincts the moment you see your baby. Plenty of people find themselves in your shoes, and there are those ready to support you.

If you would like to learn more about coping with baby blues or postpartum depression, please check out our free resource guide or call/text one of the numbers on your screen. We partner with counselors who genuinely care and want to help you process everything you’re experiencing. All conversations are strictly confidential.

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Rebuilding Your Relationship with the Church: Healing Through Healthy Attachment Styles

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For many people, church used to feel like home. A place to grow, connect, and find peace. If that connection breaks, through hurt, neglect, or confusion, it’s hard to know where to turn. You might still believe in God, but feel unsure about people.

Maybe you felt judged or felt you were ignored when you needed support. Maybe you gave everything and still felt empty. These experiences can start to shape how you relate to faith, people, and even God.

If you’ve already pulled away from church, or have stayed but feel disconnected, it’s worth asking why. Not just what happened, but what it made you feel. You might miss the community, but still feel guarded. Underneath it all, you may be carrying emotional patterns that make it hard to trust again, both in your personal life and in the church. That’s why understanding your healthy attachment style is important.

What Is a Healthy Attachment Style?

Attachment isn’t just about childhood or romantic relationships. It affects how we connect with any group or authority figure, including our church communities. If your early relationships taught you that love was conditional or that you had to perform to be accepted, those patterns may still be playing out in your spiritual life.

When attachment is unhealthy, church can feel like a place where you’re constantly trying to earn approval. You may feel anxious when you miss a service or guilty for not volunteering enough. You may avoid deeper relationships because you’re afraid of being hurt again. Or you may stay silent about your doubts because you think they’ll make you seem weak.

These patterns don’t mean you’re doing faith wrong. They mean you’ve been hurt. Healing starts by recognizing that your spiritual pain is tied to emotional scars, not just theology or doctrine.

A healthy attachment style means you feel safe being yourself in relationships. You’re able to connect without fear of rejection, express needs without guilt, and set boundaries without shame. In church life, this means:

  • Feeling free to ask questions or share doubts
  • Trusting others without needing constant reassurance
  • Giving and receiving support without feeling used or overlooked

It means being part of a community where you feel respected, heard, and valued, not just useful.

If you’ve been hurt in church, it’s easy to blame yourself or assume you’re just not spiritual enough. But many people carry emotional wounds that quietly shape how they relate to faith and community.

How Unhealthy Attachment Affects Your Faith Experience

When that unhealthy attachment may be affecting your spiritual life, you may feel:

  • Anxious when you miss church or don’t volunteer enough
  • Guilty for setting boundaries or saying no
  • Afraid to speak up about doubts or past hurts
  • Distant from others, even when you’re physically present

Why Church Hurt Feels So Personal

Church isn’t just a social group. For many, it’s tied to identity, family, and purpose. When things go wrong, when leaders disappoint, or when the community feels conditional, it hurts. You may feel confused about what’s spiritual and what’s emotional and wonder if you’re overreacting or being sensitive. Remember, emotional pain is real regardless of where you experience it.

A healthy attachment style helps you separate spiritual truth from relational harm. It helps you rebuild trust without losing yourself. It helps you find peace, not by pretending everything’s fine, but by facing what’s been broken and choosing to heal.

Steps Toward Healing and Reconnection

Rebuilding your relationship with your church doesn’t mean going back to the way things were. It means learning what safety and trust feel like again. It means finding people who respect your boundaries and honor your story. It means giving yourself permission to ask for help.

Start with these steps:

  1. Identify what hurt you: not to blame, but to understand
  2. Learn about your attachment style: how you naturally connect, protect, and respond
  3. Seek safe relationships: people who respect your boundaries and honor your story

The key to healing isn’t just finding the right church. It’s understanding how your past shaped your expectations and reactions. Once you see those patterns clearly, you’ll be able to make choices that feel peaceful and grounded. You’ll stop chasing approval and start building connections.

Christian counseling is one way to start. A counselor trained in both attachment theory and faith-based care can help you understand your emotional patterns and how they affect your spiritual life.

Call the numbers listed here or book with one of the Christian counselors on the site. They’re here to help you bring balance back to your personal and spiritual life. They’ll walk with you as you learn to build healthier relationships with yourself, with others, and with God.

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“A plant”, Courtesy of Erika, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

How to Find the Best Therapist for You: Qualities That Make a Counselor Qualified

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I’ve gotten these questions as a therapist from several pending clients in many different situations over the years:

  • Are you an expert on this issue?
  • Have you worked with this before?
  • Are you just a regular professional therapist?
  • I’m not sure if you could help, can you?

It is a good question to ask. And a question coming from a pragmatic, caring heart, as you want yourself or someone you love, not to waste time but to experience healing and growth. So, in this article, I want to provide some introduction to what you can probably expect your therapist to know and how likely they are to help.

Therapist Training

Let’s first talk about the knowledge and training a therapist gains from the ground up, and what you can generally come to accept as standard for your experience across the board.

There are three basic differentiations for therapists by experience and training, like the levels in carpentry, which look like

  • Apprentice
  • Journeyman
  • Master carpenter

Therapist training levels are:

  • Trainee: like an apprentice learning the trade, supervised often by professors
  • Associate therapist: like a journeyman gaining experience, full-time practitioners, gaining supervision by professional therapists, often still pre-licensed
  • Licensed therapist: like a master carpenter, working under own license

This is the marriage and family therapy model of training classification, whereas other counseling professionals, like clinical counselors, social workers, and psychologists, may have slightly different education and classification than MFTs.

Like any profession, you can have brilliant and skilled technicians or not-so-brilliant or skilled practitioners at any level of training. But let’s start with trainees and ask the questions: Are you an expert, have you seen this, and can you help?

As a trained therapist trainee, one has received a variety of education and training around areas as diverse as child psychology and the study of aging along the lifespan, abnormal psychology regarding the study of all types of mental illnesses, and the study of what makes romantic partnerships and personal lives thrive and blossom versus fail.

All trainees have been reared in a number of different theories and philosophies, looking at what causes problems in human functioning. They are also trained in vehicles of change for the betterment of quality of life and the factors in therapy that are conducive to that growth.

You can have appointments with trainees and work with them, generally for lower fees than associates or licensed therapists, and specific benefits can range from their recent academic scholarship and research, the supervisors who really invest in their maturation, and so you have two brains working behind your care.

Trainees are often tremendously gifted individuals by nature who apply some of the common factors beautifully, as well as begin to grow more knowledge of certain specialized treatments.

Below are some of the common factors that describe what therapy looks like in every office and are generally considered factors that contribute to many healing outcomes:

Common Factors

Support

  • Catharsis
  • Identification with therapist
  • Mitigation of isolation
  • Positive relationship
  • Reassurance
  • Release of tension
  • Structure
  • Therapeutic alliance
  • Active participation of both therapist and client
  • Therapist expertise
  • Therapist warmth, respect, empathy, acceptance, genuineness
  • Trust

Learning

  • Advice
  • Affective experience
  • Assimilating problematic experiences
  • Cognitive learning
  • Corrective emotional experience
  • Feedback
  • Insight
  • Rationale
  • Exploration of the internal frame of reference
  • Changing expectations of personal effectiveness

Action

  • Behavioral regulation
  • Cognitive mastery
  • Encouragement to face fears
  • Taking risks
  • Mastery efforts
  • Modeling
  • Practice
  • Reality testing
  • Experiencing success
  • Working through

Therapists at all levels will be trained to apply these modes of thinking, feeling, relating, teaching, and modeling, which means most interactions, when things fit, are examples of dealing with an expert in modeling and shaping changed thinking, feeling, communicating, and behaving at some level.

Trainings And Credentials

Therapists at all levels can receive specialized training (as permitted by the presenters). In fact, I took training this last year for an evidence-based couples therapy approach that had me surrounded by psychologists with PhD’s, licensed MFTs, associates, trainees just beginning to see clients for the first time, many saying keenly insightful things.

Some training and methods can teach you theories that are evidence-based (meaning research studies have proven effective in achieving positive outcomes) or can have you trained in subject matter as general as child psychology or as specific as trauma-focused therapy with veterans.

Other training can lead to certification and credentials such as CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist), Addiction certified through organizations like National Certified Addiction Counselor, NAADAC, EMDR certified, or Gottman method certified, and those who pursue them often spend years and thousands of dollars on those specialties.

That shows a passion and a commitment to that subpopulation, which is a good sign if you’re a client (and probably means you’ll need to pay more for their services).

The next level of general training every therapist must progress to is that of an associate therapist. After a trainee graduates from their graduate program and has seen hundreds of hours of clients by then, they then apply for an associate number to begin seeing clients under the tutelage of a supervisor in a professional and paid relationship.

Therapists in this stage gain even more hours and end up with upwards of 1200 face-to-face session hours with a supervisor coaching them before and after, and countless more hours learning the trade, amounting to at least 3000 hours of training. Associates, on top of education, amass a lot of real training in the field.

Many of these associate therapists work in agencies or private practices under the license of their supervisor, so they are well monitored and guided by those supervising licensed therapists. During this time, they must acquire training in telehealth, ethics, suicide, and risk assessment, and often do many hours of extra training in these topics.

For example, the agencies I worked with during my associate period trained me intensively in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which is a model that largely helps clients who are dysregulated internally regulate, make effective choices, and increase mindfulness and flexibility.

I also was taught Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral therapy, which taught a method of working with traumatized children to assist them to grow in the ability to deshame themselves, notice their feelings and sensations, and process trauma in a suitable way that left them more able to continue with their lives. Then, with this trauma, I was able to implement the tools and techniques of those models and then be shaped and molded by my supervisors into a more adept practitioner with those tools.

What is the scope of competence versus the scope of practice?

Terms you may hear from a therapist are.

“That is not in my scope of practice.”

This means the therapist, and any therapist at any level or professional title, would not be equipped to deal with. To exaggerate, filing your taxes, giving you legal advice, or telling you how to reconstruct your porch would be out of a therapist’s scope of practice. However, it is harder to identify discrepancies would be giving medical advice, or usually prescribing medication (unless the therapist is a psychiatrist

What is within the scope of practice is trained listening, encouragement, discernment, interpersonal skill building, self-regulation skill building, insight development, crisis management, mindfulness, and thought process change toward truthfulness

“That is within my scope of competence!”

This means the topic that you are bringing to the therapist is one that the therapist is well versed in and trained or experienced in more than the average therapist. For example, all therapists are trained to assist family members in healthier discussions, etc., but some therapists have a greater scope of competence than others, maybe to assist a family member dealing with a son with severe mental illness, which a different therapist might not be as competent in handling

The last level of training is being licensed in your therapy field, such as a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT), licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), or licensed professional clinical counselor (LPCC). After completing the required hours and your associate phase, a therapist of any sort is now granted the privilege, in distinction from the professional boards of their state and or professional organizations, to conduct therapy on their own.

If the famous anthropologist Malcolm Gladwell is close to the truth about 10,000 hours of practice making someone an expert in something, then including the associate time of 3000 hours plus many hours of undergraduate and graduate education, any licensed therapist is pretty close or at least halfway to being an expert, or at least a skilled professional at handling mental, emotional, and social issues adeptly for the client.

And many issues overlap, and initial reasons for coming to therapy can often lead both the therapist and the client to see that there are other underlying things to be worked on. Therapists who engaged in different ways of becoming experienced can often see problem areas where they can apply what they know from different angles, whether it be a more researched approach, common sense, or general intuition and skillfulness at the therapist’s springs.

I, for example, have been shaped through training in different methods, life experience, overall years of clinical experience, outside interests in readings, psychological concepts, and how much time in my faith, reading the Bible, listening to sermons, and community, which speaks to the human experience.

So perhaps I may have a potential client who says their child with high functioning autism is really struggling and isolating due to social pressures in junior college as a forty-year-old attempting to be more self-sufficient.

I’ve never worked with a forty-year-old with autism, and I’m not considered an expert who has had countless training sessions and hours of experience. However, I know the client will need emotional regulation, some interpersonal skills, some acceptance and understanding of where to push to accept limits, and family support, just through general awareness and experience

Hopefully, I’ve been able to show the spectrum of the kind of helpful care you will receive and things that you can look for and ask for to gain greater clarity. Overall, seeing anyone at any level in this field, it is likely you will be meeting with someone knowledgeable who can provide adequate supervision of your care.

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Signs of Burnout and How They Differ from Signs of Depression

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Most of us have had the experience of waking up, thinking about the day ahead, and being tempted to roll over and continue sleeping for the rest of the day. It’s not unusual to get overwhelmed in your career, relationship, or studies to the point of wishing for a different life.

You might have realized that you are not coping, but have you wondered about what could be going on in your mental health? You might have noticed the signs of burnout, but could you also be depressed, and how would you know the difference?

There is a lot of overlap in the symptoms between burnout and depression, and many people experience both at the same time. However, burnout differs from depression in several important ways, and you can experience one without the other. Ultimately, the way to combat burnout is different from the way a depressive episode is treated. Knowing the difference will help you craft a self-care plan that radically helps you in the long-term.

More Than One Type of Burnout

People experience burnout whether they have a demanding career or are unemployed. You can experience burnout at home, in a relationship, within your friend group, or in your loving family. It becomes easier to notice the signs of burnout when you recognize the type of burnout you are facing.

Caregiver Fatigue

Burnout is a form of intense mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion that leads to an array of other symptoms, including physical sickness and chronic pain. Typically, people refer to occupational or career burnout. It is also common for people to experience caregiver fatigue. This is a form of chronic exhaustion that comes from providing ongoing care to dependents of any age.

It is common to feel overly responsible while also having little support in these roles, either practical or emotional. Ultimately, your empathy is reduced as you end up feeling resentful, guilty, and sometimes reliant on unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as substance abuse.

Parental Exhaustion

Being a parent is richly rewarding, but it can also be one of the most intensely difficult and draining roles you will take on. Parental exhaustion is a form of burnout where you feel inundated with the constant needs of those around you. You might feel as if you’re failing in your role, or like you’re a terrible parent for even struggling.

Others make it look so easy. They seem to be fulfilled, while you are emotionally dysregulated, tense, and deeply unhappy. Added to this, you might feel isolated, alone, and guilty for struggling in the first place.

Relational Burnout

Some relationships are physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. You might find yourself going through a prolonged season of conflict or imbalance, whether it’s with a spouse, family member, or close friend. It often feels like the success and health of the relationship rest on your efforts alone. No wonder you feel drained, detached, hopeless, and resentful. These are signs of burnout that you can’t afford to ignore.

Academic Stress

The final, most common form of burnout happens at an academic level. Students of all ages face the pressure to perform well, to meet constant deadlines, and to maintain grade averages.

This results in them feeling intense anxiety for their future, indecision about the path they’re on, panic from feeling tied to an uncertain destiny, and buckling under the weight of perfectionism. Having a minimal social life or relationships affected by the studies makes everything harder to deal with.

Signs of Burnout That Overlap with Depression

Depression is an umbrella term that describes a mental state sometimes caused by a clinical disorder, and other times by circumstances. In other words, you can be depressed because of something going on inside your body, by the events happening around you, or sometimes a combination of the two.

Burnout is an event that influences your health and habits. Of course, it is possible for someone who is already dealing with depression to also experience burnout. There is much overlap between the two.

You will notice the signs of burnout and depression in your body, in your daily routine, and in your mood. Burnout and depression both cause mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion. In turn, this affects your sleep pattern, social involvement, and hygiene. You might find yourself becoming increasingly more irritable and aggressive, or more disinterested in the things that once brought you joy.

One of the key differences between burnout and depression is in how it impacts you over time. Typically, burnout is an event that lasts anywhere between a few weeks and a few months. Depression can last for years at a time, resulting in changes to your self-esteem, outlook, and hope for the future.

Burnout might have you questioning your life choices, but depression will have you questioning your self-worth. Burnout will make you think, “I’m tired, and I don’t want to do this job anymore,” whereas depression ultimately has you thinking, “There’s no point to life anymore.”

Burnout still leaves a small sense of hope for the future. If you can make some practical changes to your responsibilities or have some important conversations, you can make a positive impact on your situation. It might take some time to recover from the exertion and stress, but ultimately, burnout can result in positive change. By contrast, the core of depression is hopelessness and disinterest in the future. Depression makes the future seem dark, and your efforts futile.

You can recover from burnout after a few weeks of improved sleep and diet, some physical movement, and time spent with friends. You cannot affect depression as easily. When you are in the grips of depression, it is unlikely that you will want to make changes at all. Besides, you don’t have the energy or enthusiasm required to make those changes.

When To Seek Help

The good news is that both burnout and depression are treatable, regardless of how long you have felt either or how intensely they have affected you. Besides making practical changes to your routine and improving your sleep, diet, and social life, you can address burnout by taking it to the source.

It might be that you have stretched yourself too thin, that you are not getting the support you need, or that you are overperforming because someone is pressuring you to do so. You will have to address these issues with the people involved and make some practical changes to ensure you don’t fall into the same habits.

If it is depression you are dealing with, know that you will likely not improve over time and that you need to seek the help of a professional. You might benefit from getting a medical checkup or psychological evaluation, but you will also need to implement bigger changes to your life. This could include changing careers, processing trauma with a counselor or confidant, or attending group therapy sessions.

Regardless of how it feels right now, there is a future for you. It might not be perfect, and it might take some work to realize it, but it is achievable and better than anything you are going through right now. As Jesus once told a group of world-weary people, “‘Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.’” (Matthew 11:28, NIV)

If you don’t know where to start or if you are overwhelmed, even contemplating your situation, we can help. So many of the things we face are put into perspective when we talk about them to someone with insight and compassion. With a counselor, you will find an empathetic ear, a confidential space, and informed insight. Please consult our online catalog if you would like to find a counselor or speak with our reception team, who can help you find someone suitable.

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Traits of a Highly Sensitive Child and How to Care for Them

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Children often experience big emotions, and it is typically normal. Some children, however, feel they live in a state of extreme emotion all the time and are more easily triggered by their environment. When this happens, you may find yourself wondering if your child’s reactions are normal or if you have a highly sensitive child.

Help! I have a highly sensitive child

A highly sensitive child is a child who processes and reacts more deeply to their experiences than other children do. They are inherently wired like that. Highly sensitive children are often known to be feisty and fierce, passionate and persistent, insightful and empathetic, intuitive and intense, and they are constantly living in extremes. They’re known to be either ecstatic or enraged.

Highly sensitive children are sensitive to their environment, experiences, relationships, and expectations. They are amazing children, but because they react in bigger ways than most, they are prone to frustration, power struggles, and perfectionism. This is because they find it more challenging to adapt to the limits and expectations they encounter in their daily lives.

The intensity of highly sensitive children can be exhausting for their parents or caregivers. It can be hard to understand your highly sensitive child in all their complexity, and they are often misunderstood because there seems to be no middle ground with them. The better you can understand them, the more you can learn how to provide the sensitive and responsive care that they need to thrive.

3 Key Traits of Highly Sensitive Children

Some of the more prominent traits of a highly sensitive child include the following:

Highly sensitive children are more sensitive to the world around them

Highly sensitive children experience their emotions in extremes. This is because they feel much more deeply than most. They are often compared to orchids: high-maintenance plants that react to the smallest changes in environment. They are more vulnerable to changes in their environment and may seem to react irrationally as a result.

In addition to their extreme emotions, they are also sensitive to the environment they are in, and their brains never seem to shut down. They are known as processors as they tend to focus on and analyze even minute details. While this makes them extremely insightful and empathetic, because they seem to lack an internal filter, they are also more easily overwhelmed, absorbing more than they can handle.

They also tend to be more self-aware and perceptive than most. They question things others might take for granted and can articulate their motivations for things they did or said even better than some adults. They can understand their own struggles. They also tend to have great insight into how others feel and can pick up on subtle changes in tone.

Highly sensitive children have big reactions to the world around them

Your highly sensitive child will have bigger reactions than most to sensory input, even to seemingly small things. They are more sensitive to sensory input and experience sights, sounds, textures, and smells more intensely. They may avoid things like foods with particular smells, flavors, or textures, certain kinds of clothing, public restrooms with noisy hand dryers, or get upset when something doesn’t look like they expect.

A highly sensitive child is more prone to meltdowns because they are more quickly triggered to experience stress. When they feel overwhelmed by the constant onslaught of sensations that they can’t manage effectively, it can result in intense emotional reactions.

A highly sensitive child will be more apprehensive about new people or places. Their minds turn over all the details in a new situation, whether it’s a new classroom, activity, birthday party, or family gathering. They will try to anticipate what they might expect, wondering what might happen and whether they will be liked, feel safe, or be good at the activity.

Their deep thinking and constant analysis are an attempt to prepare for the unknown. While this makes them come across as bright and insightful, it can also be overwhelming for them. This results in the child resisting new things and clinging to what is familiar and comfortable. They may struggle separating from their parents or adapting to being left alone at school or sports.

A highly sensitive child also tends to get frustrated more easily. While everyone experiences a certain amount of natural discomfort when confronting something new or challenging, a highly sensitive child will find it intolerable. Because they experience more distress in those situations, they may give up more easily when they experience a challenging task.

They also tend to be preoccupied with how others see them, even if parents or other adults say complimentary things about them. They are so sensitive to feeling scrutinized or assessed that they even feel uncomfortable receiving praise, as they perceive the pressure of being evaluated.

They may also be inclined to misinterpret others’ actions, taking what others say and do more personally than it was intended. It may seem like a highly sensitive child filters their experiences through a victim mindset. This can make navigating relationships with siblings and peers more challenging.

Highly Sensitive Children try to control the world around them

Because of their sensitivity to their environment, a highly sensitive child will live in a state of high alert and will feel a greater need for control in those situations where they feel uncomfortable. They will try to prepare for and protect themselves from the next big emotion, event, or experience that could be overwhelming.

They will attempt to gain control of a situation by being rigid and inflexible about details like where to sit and which plate to use. The more out of control they feel on the inside, the more controlling they may be on the outside. Even their constant analysis of event details is part of this desire to feel in control of their world and what to expect in any situation.

A highly sensitive child is more likely to struggle with perfectionism because when they can’t complete a task in the way their brain is telling them it should be, they feel a loss of control. They are triggered to feel shame, and this results in them quickly feeling like a failure. They experience failure as a personal failing they are judged for, instead of as part of the learning process.

Perfectionism and difficulty losing go hand in hand. This makes competitive activities especially stressful for the highly sensitive child. A highly sensitive child is more likely to try to manipulate the game in their favor so that they can win to protect themselves from the shame of losing. Alternatively, they may get angry and quit if the result isn’t going their way.

This also means that a highly sensitive child will have a hard time accepting correction. Even seemingly harmless directions can be perceived as personal judgments instead of helpful guidance.

Any perceived shame they experience can trigger reactions like laughing, looking away, anger, or even running away. Evasive responses are all coping mechanisms to provide protection and relief from the flood of difficult emotions.

How to Care for Your Highly Sensitive Child

A child with a sensitive temperament can’t outgrow who they are. They can learn how to manage their emotions and cope with the more challenging aspects of their sensitivity. A big part of helping them is managing your expectations and approaching their meltdowns with patience and compassion.

When your sensitive child reacts to something, don’t take things they say and do personally. The fact that they are lashing out is a sign that they are struggling to cope with something. Don’t minimize their emotions. Instead, try to remain calm and not be reactive yourself. Stay present while providing space for your child to feel what they’re feeling.

Don’t try to problem-solve in the middle of the meltdown, but rather wait until they are calm before offering help. If they permit you to share some ideas that you have of ways to handle a situation, they will feel more in control and be more receptive to what you have to say. Sharing your thoughts, guidance, and personal experiences in this manner can help them better understand and adapt to the world around them.

Not all highly sensitive children will have all of these traits, and many who aren’t highly sensitive may struggle to some degree with some of these. But because of their sensitivity, these children may be more likely to struggle with anxiety or mental health challenges. If this sensitivity is affecting their ability to function well at home or at school, or interfering with their relationships, they can benefit from professional help such as Christian counseling.

Connect with a counselor near you or through this website to learn more about working with myself.

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“Crying Boy”, Courtesy of Vika Glitter, Pexels.com, CC0 License

4 Signs of a Toxic Relationship and How to Fix It

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Finding and being in a healthy relationship can be as exciting and as rewarding as finding a cleverly hidden geocache; it’s an amazing experience that takes a lot of work to accomplish.

Great relationships do take a lot of work because there are many things that can derail important aspects of a relationship, such as communication. There are many skills necessary to handle the challenges that beset relationships successfully.

As social and relational creatures, we are hardwired for relationships. Your relationships have a profound effect on who you are and who you become as a person. If you’re in a toxic relationship, remedying the situation as quickly as possible is the best move you can make for your well-being.

Indicators of a Toxic Relationship

A toxic relationship can pass and look like a normal relationship. However, on closer inspection, certain patterns, habits, and dynamics in the relationship are decidedly unhealthy and damage both parties. A toxic relationship has certain features that distinguish it from a healthy one. Some of the signs of a toxic relationship include the following:

The way you talk to each other Communication is the lifeblood of a relationship because that is how a couple shares their ideas, thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears, desires, expectations, disagreements, and more. Communication can be unhealthy if it’s steeped in anger, if you don’t listen to each other, if there’s constant criticism and too little encouragement, or if it builds up.

If a couple is constantly engaged in conflict, and they engage in conflict by casting aspersions toward one another, or they stonewall and become unresponsive to each other’s needs, those could also point to a toxic relationship.

The way you treat each other If a couple doesn’t honor each other, that is a feature of a toxic relationship. That lack of honor may look like disrespecting boundaries, making jokes at the other person’s expense, humiliating or putting each other down, not respecting each other’s opinions, seeking to manipulate or control each other, being deceptive toward one another, and not celebrating each other.

If a couple doesn’t enjoy each other’s company or chooses to avoid spending time with each other, if they are dismissive of one another and don’t protect each other, if they don’t seek the best for each other, nurturing each other’s strengths and shoring up each other’s weaknesses, they may have a toxic relationship.

Relationships are meant to be places of safety, but if they are instead places where physical or verbal violence occurs, they have become toxic. Similarly, if one or both of you tiptoe around each other and are unable to be honest and vulnerable because you fear reprisals or emotional outbursts, that’s also a concern.

How you over-rely on one another Interdependence is healthy in relationships. There needs to be give and take in the relationship, as well as the sharing of burdens. It becomes problematic if you derive your sense of self from each other, and you become defined by being over-reliant on your partner to rescue you or rescuing them.

Lack of trust Relationships thrive on trust to function. Without trust, emotional and physical intimacy is hindered, and communication breaks down. If there is constant suspicion, false accusations, or any avoidant or needy behaviors, that could point to a lack of trust in the relationship, and to a toxic relationship.

These and other behaviors can mark a relationship as toxic. When a relationship is toxic, it can affect you by increasing the amount of stress you’re under, it can lead to anxiety and depression, and it can place you in danger of emotional and physical harm. In other words, a toxic relationship can significantly affect your overall well-being.

How do relationships become toxic?

Sometimes, relationships begin with a toxic dynamic already in place. This can happen in a variety of ways, including the possibility that your upbringing shapes much of how you conduct your relationships. If, for instance, you grew up with parents who were perfectionistic, neglectful, controlling, abusive, or overprotective, those things can impact your growth and ability to function well in relationships with others.

The origins of a toxic relationship can be difficult to excavate and understand fully. Many different factors can contribute to a relationship becoming toxic, including idealizing your partner and entering into a relationship with unrealistic expectations. Such expectations can only lead to disappointment and deep frustration when reality hits home, and your partner isn’t what you want them to be.

A relationship can also become toxic based on the circumstances the couple finds themselves in and how they handle them. If a relationship is placed under strain, for example, through family or cultural expectations, social pressure, or financial stress, how the couple responds to these could be in a way that makes the relationship toxic. The couple could respond by blaming, blame-shifting, or not properly resolving the conflict.

Other contributing factors may include low self-esteem, trauma, abuse, or neglect; having poor boundaries; or having an insecure attachment style. These factors can lead to a toxic relationship, and they increase the possibility of entering and remaining in a toxic relationship. You may be more vulnerable to toxic relationships because of these experiences and traits.

As you begin relationships, it’s important to note a few things. The feelings of intense attraction and chemistry that often accompany the early stages of a relationship can blind you to glaring red flags and warning signs of a toxic relationship. At this stage, you may be infatuated, idealizing the other person and minimizing or overlooking their faults. Pay close attention, as the relationship may evolve, and toxic patterns can emerge with time.

There are some common early warning signs of a potentially toxic relationship. You should keep an eye out for these. They include things such as a disregard and disrespect for your boundaries; control, manipulation, or gaslighting; possessiveness and intense jealousy; being inconsistent or emotionally unavailable; being contemptuous of others, as well as putting down or disparaging them.

In other words, if there is a lack of love toward others and you, that could be the early signs of a toxic dynamic that may be unleashed in your relationship. Know these potential warning signs and step aside before things get serious.

How to Fix a Toxic Relationship

A toxic relationship can be detrimental to the well-being of everyone it comes into contact with. Is there a way to fix a toxic relationship? The first thing to remember is that it’s important to be aware of yourself and the ways you can contribute to or excuse a toxic dynamic in a relationship. In a given relationship, there are ways in which both parties can contribute to the toxic dynamic in the relationship.

Self-awareness of the ways in which we can enable toxic behaviors or perpetrate them is a first step. That, however, needs to be coupled with a willingness to change yourself and the relationship. You can’t change the other person, but you can work on yourself. You can’t control what your partner does, and you shouldn’t try. You need to be willing to do the work that’s needed to change how you are in relationships.

A toxic relationship can be fixed only if both parties can see the problems in the relationship, acknowledge their individual and collective part in it, and do the work of turning things around. One partner or spouse cannot do the lifting that’s required by both of them to make a difference. Sometimes one spouse starts the journey toward healing on their own, and then later the other spouse or partner chooses to join them on the journey.

There are instances in which the relationship is so toxic that it becomes a threat to life and limbs. Reach out and talk to trusted loved ones, a professional such as a counselor, or connect to a hotline that deals with issues of abuse. It may be necessary to remove yourself safely from the situation, and you can receive help to create a plan and do just that, even if it’s only for a season, until the other partner sorts themselves out.

A couple can seek help from a couples counselor to help them work through their toxic traits and habits. With counseling, a couple can identify the toxic patterns of behavior and come to recognize how it affects them as individuals and as a couple. The couple can learn to nurture trust, effective communication, and conflict resolution skills, helping them to build intimacy and a healthy relationship. Reach out for help to bring healing to your relationship.

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10 Things You Do Without Realizing They’re Signs of Repressed Anger

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We all get mad sometimes, but instead of dealing with it, most of us think that we can shove it down and pretend it’s not there. However, just because you ignore anger or don’t let it out, it doesn’t mean it just goes away. It has a way of seeping into your everyday life in ways you don’t even notice. The way you shop online, watch Netflix, or the jokes you tell? Yeah, those might all be small signs of repressed anger.

Instead of facing our emotions, we distract ourselves with social media, work, or endless scrolling. But anger isn’t just an annoying emotion, it can be useful. It’s your brain’s way of saying something isn’t right. If you keep ignoring it, that frustration festers, messing with your mood, health, and even relationships.

10 Signs of Repressed Anger in Everyday Life

Procrastinating like a pro

Have you ever found yourself endlessly scrolling TikTok instead of doing something important? Putting things off can be your brain’s way of avoiding deeper frustrations. If you’re constantly delaying tasks, ask yourself: What am I avoiding?

Chasing endless perfection

If you’re always trying to get everything just right, it might not just be about standards, but it could be a way of controlling something when other areas of your life feel out of control. Deep down, that frustration could be anger you haven’t let out.

Mindless eating (or not eating at all)

Have you ever demolished a whole bag of chips without realizing it? Or suddenly lost your appetite even though you haven’t eaten all day? Your eating habits might be a coping mechanism for unprocessed emotions, including anger.

Throwing shade, even casually

Sarcasm, side-eye, and those half-joking comments are all classic ways repressed anger sneaks out. If you constantly throw out little jabs or send passive-aggressive texts, your anger is leaking out in subtle ways.

Keeping yourself overworked

Being too busy all the time can be your own socially acceptable way to avoid dealing with things. If your calendar is packed but you feel emotionally drained, you might be distracting yourself from things you don’t want to face.

Getting sick all the time

Stress and bottled-up anger can mess with your body. Frequent headaches, stomachaches, or just feeling off might be your body’s way of saying, “Hey, something’s not right here.”

Tossing and turning at night

If you lie in bed overthinking every little thing, unable to switch off, it could be because your mind is dealing with unresolved anger. Your brain doesn’t just turn off emotions because it’s bedtime.

Impulse buying online

Do you sometimes go on a shopping spree just because you have had a bad day? Retail therapy might make you feel better temporarily, but if it’s a habit, it could be covering up deeper frustrations.

Losing interest in things you used to love

When repressed emotions build up, they can suck the joy out of things that used to make you happy. If your favorite hobbies suddenly feel like a chore, it might be time to check in with yourself.

Your room (or life) feels like a mess

A cluttered space can reflect how cluttered your mind is. If you’ve been avoiding cleaning, organizing, or you feel like things are chaotic, it might be a sign that your emotions need some attention, too.

Christian Anger Management Therapy in Newport Beach, California

Anger itself isn’t necessarily bad, but it needs to be understood and expressed in the right way. Knowing these reactions aren’t good for you, it’s a way to deal with emotions.

  • Talk about it and vent to a friend, or even just write it out in a journal. Getting emotions out helps you process them.
  • Move your body with exercise to release built-up tension and frustration.
  • Set boundaries if certain people or situations are always frustrating you and reassess how you handle them.

If you’re struggling to work through such emotions on your own, talking to a professional Christian counselor in Newport Beach, California also helps. You can start by calling our office at Newport Beach Christian Counseling or filling out an online contact form to schedule a meeting with one of the anger management therapists in Newport Beach today.

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How to Recognize Codependency and Narcissism in Your Friendships

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Recognizing codependency and narcissism in your friendships may not seem relatable, but it’s worth reflecting on as you interact with friends of varying degrees. You will have a variety of friendships in your lifetime: co-workers, book club friends, workout buddies, lifelong friends, and casual friends who share a specific season of life. Knowing whether or not your friend is codependent and how that impacts narcissistic tendencies can help you and them.

What is narcissism?

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition, says that narcissism can be adjacent to a mental health disorder known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). However, narcissistic tendencies don’t necessarily qualify a person as having NPD.

Unfortunately, both terms (narcissism and codependency) have undergone a platform mutation in recent years to their detriment because of social media, public overuse, and misunderstanding. Narcissism itself isn’t evil or all bad. It often stems from poor self-esteem and exemplifies someone who is hurting.

While NPD shows a pervasive pattern of at least five out of nine diagnostic traits and usually starts becoming more consistent in young adulthood, having some narcissistic traits does not necessarily mean you or a friend has NPD. If a person has true NPD, they meet at least five of the following nine criteria in all areas of their life, not just in one or two areas or environments.

  1. They think of themselves as more important than others.
  2. They imagine they’re deserving of or will automatically inherit certain rewards or achievements, even if there isn’t evidence to indicate such.
  3. They believe they are special or operate on a “different playing field” of sorts. More than seeing themselves as self-important (as in No. 1), this tendency is to see others through a lens of haughtiness.
  4. They need a high degree of validation from others. Think of the leader of the “mean girl” pack. She surrounds herself with “yes” girls who laud her because she needs the admiration.
  5. They have an unrealistic expectation about what others owe them or should give them. Another way to state this is a sense of entitlement.
  6. They have a tendency toward – and establish a pattern of this behavior – exploiting others for their own gain and/or manipulating others to get what they want or to get out of doing something they don’t want to do.
  7. They’re unwilling to listen to or try to empathize with someone else’s perspective or emotional needs.
  8. Envy is frequent, and it can be their envy of others or their misconception that others are envious of them.
  9. They struggle with arrogance in multiple arenas of life.

What is codependency?

Unlike narcissism, codependency is not a disorder recognized by the DSM-5. It’s a behavioral pattern that was first used in the 1970s, made more universal in the 1980s when a book, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie was used to help those struggling with substance use disorder (SUD). Typically, a person with codependent behavioral patterns will often mask the consequences of another person’s behavior.

The person doing the masking may believe they’re protecting their loved one from negative consequences or hardship. What often happens, however, is an unhealthy attachment that requires a level of maintenance that can’t be sustained over time. It can create fractured relationships due to unclear boundaries.

Similar to narcissism, the term codependent has developed a negative reputation when, in fact, it’s simply a pattern of relating that can be unlearned when a person forms healthy attachments. Some markers of codependency include the following:

  • Refusing to do things or go places unless the other person also wants to do them or go with you.
  • Excusing a friend’s poor behavior (repeatedly) when it’s been hurtful to you.
  • Feeling guilty when you take time out for yourself instead of serving your friend’s or loved one’s needs.
  • Apologizing without working toward reconciliation, even if the fault isn’t yours, just to avoid conflict.
  • Doing more than your share when your friend could also contribute. An example might be agreeing to go on a trip together, but you do all the planning, pay for the trip, and drive, while your friend simply adds a few recommendations.
  • Feeling alone or like your friend doesn’t ask curious questions about your life often, yet you don’t mention it for fear of losing your friendship or not pleasing her.

How Codependency and Narcissism Arise from Similar Struggles

On the surface, it appears that codependent people struggle with low self-esteem and, therefore, may not assert themselves or their own opinions. This is not an accurate portrayal of a codependent-tending person. Just as a narcissistic person does not always think of themselves as better than others or isn’t always toxic and full of drama. However, the two can share similar roots.

When a person is codependent, they tend to learn those patterns of behavior from a parent or caregiver who did not give them the attention they needed as a child, or they were incapable of functioning as a healthy emotional adult. Either way, the person learned to cope by letting personal boundaries go by the wayside.

One example of this is when a person grows up and makes a friend at work. He had an alcoholic mother who often asked him to hide her receipts for wine from his dad so he wouldn’t know how much she was drinking.

As a young teen, he thought he was creating a more peaceful home life by saving the relational tension between his mom and dad. In reality, it was edging him toward an inability to develop healthy boundaries, recognizing it was not his job to save his mom from the consequences of her destructive behavior.

Then, in the friendship this adult man has with a co-worker, he isn’t able to see that the co-worker is taking advantage of their friendship by asking him to take the fall whenever he fails to prepare for a work presentation or wants to get by with leaving the office early. He asks his friend to cover for him by saying he had a doctor’s appointment, and this sets up a continual pattern of learned behavior and lack of boundaries.

Narcissistic personality tendencies can also be rooted in a struggle with boundaries. If as a young teen, someone struggles to see their worth and value, it’s usually referred to as low self-esteem. Rather than recognizing this and looking for healthy ways to develop confidence, a teenager may make fun of others to make herself feel better.

This kind of behavior – unchecked – can lead to dangerous adult relationships. She may use a grandiose view of herself to mask her low self-value and expect others to see her self-importance in the same light.

What to Do If You Recognize Codependency and Narcissism in Yourself or a Friend

One of the downsides of the public using terms that are clinical in nature – such as toxic, narcissistic, or codependent – is that they can take on inaccurate meanings. A good way to respond if you think you or your friend exhibits some traits of codependency or narcissism is to be curious, gentle, and compassionate.

While it doesn’t mean you have to let your friend override your personal boundaries, you can ask compassionate questions if she says something like, “I can’t go through the line without you. I’m too scared.”

An appropriate, boundary-setting response might be, “I’m enjoying my lunch while it’s hot, so I am going to stay here. But I wonder why it’s hard for you to go alone. Is there someone at the head of the line who makes you nervous?” This lets her know you care, but also holds a firm boundary about wanting to eat your lunch while it’s hot.

Other appropriate responses include recognizing when these qualities are present in yourself and avoiding self-blame or negative self-thoughts. Instead, you can reflect on an appropriate next step.

It might be looking for a counselor who can help you examine where your learned behaviors come from and what kind of solutions are available to help you overcome them. To find a compassionate, trauma-informed counselor, our offices are ready to help with your inquiries when you are comfortable reaching out.

Photos:
“Sitting on the Mountaintop”, Courtesy of Matheus Ferrero, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Talk to the Hand”, Courtesy of Obie Fernandez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Polite Signs”, Courtesy of mark tulin, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Boundary Line”, Courtesy of Erin Larson, Unsplash.com, CC0 License