4 Tips for Surviving Infidelity

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Infidelity and affairs hurt more than the relationship between a husband and wife. It breaks down trust, feelings of love and acceptance, and self-confidence, and increases insecurity and fear. These are obstacles to tackle if you want to stay together. Ignoring these emotions will only cause them to fester as the weeks, months, and years pass, trapping you in the past. Surviving infidelity is possible with hard work, patience, and recommitment to the union.

4 tips for surviving infidelity

Surviving infidelity and remaining married requires work from both spouses. This may not seem fair to the hurt spouse at first. If you are the one who was hurt, you might feel that the other person should have to put in all the work to fix what they broke. This is a natural reaction to injustice.

However, surviving infidelity means acknowledging that things will never truly go back to the way they were. The affair changed you, your spouse, and your relationship. You must discover and navigate this new relationship to rebuild and strengthen it.

Take your vows seriously by recommitting

If you seek reconciliation only because you are afraid of the future, being alone, or “for the kids,” you should reconsider. A marriage can only last if the couple is 100% committed to making it work against the odds. Read over your marriage vows and recommit to the relationship before seeking help.

Seek help to overcome marital issues

Although you can heal a marriage without outside help, seeking advice from knowledgeable and experienced people can help repair the bond. That advice may come from your pastor in the form of marriage counseling or a mental health professional specializing in surviving infidelity and affairs. You need guidance during this season, not judgment. Be discerning in who you choose to confide in about your marriage.

Look to improve yourself

Although pointing out your spouse’s flaws is tempting, especially after an affair, when rebuilding the relationship, look to improve yourself. If you seek marriage counseling, the counselor will work with both of you, but think about what characteristics you want to attain. What are your values? Do you reflect them? You cannot change another person. You cannot “fix” them. Only they can do that. The only thing you can control is bettering yourself.

Bring God into the equation

Often, our lives are busy and chaotic, and when the storms hit, we leave God entirely out of the problem. Yet, God holds the solutions, the healing, and the peace. Bring God back into the marriage covenant, asking Him to lead both of you by His Holy Spirit to make the right decisions and open your hearts to healing and trust.

How counseling can help

Following an affair, the feelings of betrayal and hurt are too raw. The hurt spouse may be shocked, angry, or sad (or all three). The spouse who cheated may feel hopeless and desperate to make amends and save the marriage. Having an unbiased third party who can offer advice and suggestions for surviving infidelity can be invaluable to your relationship.

Newport Beach Christian Counseling in California can help. Your counselor in Newport Beach, California will work with you as a couple to overcome obstacles and manage setbacks. Call our reception team today to schedule a session with a Christian marriage counselor in Newport Beach. Don’t let go of hope. Lean into God, ask for help, and keep the faith.

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“Poppy Field”, Courtesy of Marina Reich, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Grieving and Making Use of Prayers of Lament

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Grief and loss come to us all at one point or another in our lives. In those moments, we can find ourselves struggling and without the words to express the deep and complicated emotions and thoughts we’re experiencing. Holding your grief and honoring that experience on one hand, while holding onto trust and hope in the other, can be difficult. This is where prayers of lament can be helpful.

When you’re grieving, you are trying to process loss in your life. Grief is a natural response to loss, and it’s important to allow yourself the time and space to grieve. Using the prayers of lament from Scripture is one way to process and express your grief.

The various causes of grief

Loss can happen in a variety of ways. We often think of death, but it applies to many things. We form emotional attachments to other people, things, and places, and they become part of our everyday life. You could even say that they help shape who we are, and so when we lose those things, it affects us in profound ways. These connections and attachments can be broken or disrupted in numerous ways.

The kinds of loss that can induce grief include the loss of a relationship through the death of a loved one, a bad breakup, or a divorce. Loss also occurs when you experience significant failure, a cherished dream gets shattered, or when a loved or deeply respected person betrays you or lets you down. When you move away from your childhood home or the community that has nurtured you, that can also fuel a sense of loss.

Grief can come in various guises, and it is connected to the loss you’ve experienced. For instance, if you lose a loved one due to a natural disaster, an accident, or through some form of violence, which can lead to trauma and traumatic grief.

This type of grief involves losses that happen under horrific or unpredictable circumstances. Grief can also be anticipatory, in that the loss hasn’t yet occurred, but the feelings of loss and grief set in, in anticipation of loss. Grief can thus be complicated.

Allowing prayers of lament to be part of your grief

The process of grieving is unique to each person, and how they make sense of their loss won’t look the same as it does for another person. You may have heard of the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages don’t delineate a straightforward process that runs in order, and when you get to the other side of it, you’re done grieving. Rather, it indicates the kinds of emotions you may experience along the way.

Scripture offers many prayers to address grief in its many forms. One of the kinds of prayers in the Bible is lament. This sort of prayer can be helpful when a person is grieving. A lament is an honest, raw expression of our sorrows that’s directed toward God. It is an expression of your pain and a way to mourn loss. A sizable portion of the Psalms is made up of laments in various contexts.

Many people who follow Jesus assume that they can or should only pray happy prayers, or prayers that are full of hope. This often means that in practice they feel the need to suppress feelings of angst, sorrow, pain, distress, anger, depression, and more. Jesus, while He was on the cross, quoted from one of the Psalms of lament, Psalm 22, when he said, “My God, why have you forsaken me?” (Psalm 22:1, Matthew 27:46, NIV).

It’s okay for a believer to feel sorrow and grief, to experience a sense of abandonment. Jesus, and the rest of the Psalms, show us the way. Those feelings can be directed at God and addressed to Him. The Lord is big enough to handle our most complex and painful emotions and experiences. The Psalms show us how to hold our grief and thankfulness in tension, as in Psalms 13, for instance:

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?… But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me. – Psalm 13:1-2, 5-6, NIV

You can tell God how you honestly feel, knowing that the heavenly Father welcomes you and wants to hear from His children. This is one Psalm, but we don’t know how long it took David to move from the emotions of the first verses to the utterances of hope and gratitude in the last verses. It can take time. You don’t have to rush toward expressing gratitude, but you can trust that you’ll get there. In the meantime, you can be honest with God about your grief.

Reaching for help

The psalms of lament can help to give us the language as well as permission to take our grief to God. Likewise, you can also talk with a grief counselor in Newport Beach, California, who can help you to process your grief and make sense of your experiences. Reach out to our office today at Newport Beach Christian Counseling in California and we will schedule an appointment for you with a qualified therapist in Newport Beach who will help you to cope with your loss.

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How to Deal with Guilt and Not Feeling Good Enough

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Sometimes in life, you swing big, and you miss. That’s okay because without taking risks, we wouldn’t be able to accomplish meaningful things. When things don’t go the way you anticipate, however, it can be unhelpful to internalize that failure and tell yourself that you are a failure. Yes, we can fail, but at other times we succeed, and the risks we take pay off. Who you are as a person, and the value you possess goes far deeper than your failures, successes, or guilt.

Guilt is a feeling of unease or unhappiness that settles on you when you feel that you’ve done something immoral or wrong. Persistent feelings of guilt can end up shaping how you perceive yourself. You can end up feeling as though you haven’t only done something wrong and feel bad about it, but that you yourself are bad. It’s important to know how best to deal with these feelings.

The roots of guilt and not feeling good enough

Feeling guilty and not feeling good enough often derive from the same root. When there is a standard of conduct that one has failed to attain, that sense of failure is what causes the unease or distress we often call guilt. That standard may be derived from one’s family, surrounding culture, or from one’s spiritual formation. Failing to meet that standard may also make one feel as though they aren’t good enough.

While a person can feel guilty or not good enough for various reasons, it’s also possible that they can feel these things unnecessarily or excessively. A person can irrationally feel responsible for something that is outside of their control, or that wasn’t their fault. This is known as false guilt.

This can be the result of:

  • Holding onto unattainable and unrealistic standards or expectations.
  • Taking on way too much responsibility for the actions of others.
  • Deeply internalizing unfair or unrealistic familial or societal expectations.
  • Misinterpreting a situation by mistaking or misattributing causes and effects.
  • Constant negative self-talk that induces a sense of guilt.
  • A lack of self-compassion.
  • Past traumatic experiences.

This can have many negative consequences in a person’s life such as self-doubt, anxiety, depression, and stunting personal growth. Thus, false guilt can create an unhealthy sense of self as well as affect a person’s mental and emotional health. Recognizing and addressing false and other forms of guilt helps promote well-being.

How to deal with guilt

Guilt has its place in our lives because it helps us be aware that we’ve done something that we shouldn’t have done, or not done something that we ought to have done. This gap between our actions and our ideals can drive us to act to rectify the deficiency. To address your guilt, the best way is to act, by seeking to undo what was done, to try and make amends, as well as to apologize for any harm caused.

Handling guilt can be difficult because it requires you to come face to face with your inability to meet a certain standard. There are healthy ways to deal with guilt, as well as unhealthy ways to address it. Some of the healthy ways to work through your feelings of guilt include the following:

Acknowledge your feelings

Instead of trying to pretend that you aren’t distressed or that there’s no reason to feel distressed, recognize and accept your guilt. Avoid either denying or suppressing your emotions, as this can only serve to prolong the process of addressing the root issues.

Identify the root cause

Take some time to reflect on the situation or action that’s the source of your guilt. You need to be honest with yourself about what could have led to your feelings of guilt.

Take responsibility

Guilt is often the result of having made a mistake and fallen short of certain expectations. If you’ve made a mistake, own up to it and apologize if necessary. If amends need to be made and can be made, then make them.

Practice self-compassion

Taking responsibility for your (in)action can be hard, but you can approach it with kindness and understanding toward yourself. We all make mistakes and fall short of our own standards and those of others, especially God’s standards (Romans 3:23, 6:23). However, you can deal with yourself truthfully and lovingly, just as you would a friend in a similar situation.

Learn from the experience

Instead of getting stuck in the feelings of guilt, you can use your guilt as a growth and learning opportunity. These situations can help you to pinpoint what you can do differently in the future. You can let go of any self-recrimination, as there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1), and there’s no benefit to keep holding onto guilt that has been addressed already.

Move forward

Create a plan to help you move forward. This plan can help you avoid or prevent similar situations in the future, and as you pursue your plan you can be patient with yourself, recalling that it can be a long process.

Seek support

You don’t have to face challenging situations alone. Speak with a trusted loved one or talk to a mental health professional about your feelings of guilt. While guilt can be helpful in moderation, prompting personal growth and positive change, excessive guilt can be harmful to your well-being. If your feelings of guilt are overwhelming or persistent, seek help from a counselor.

Reach out for help

If you are ready to speak to a counselor about guilt, mistakes you feel you have made, unhealthy patterns, or anything that is keeping you from living freely, please reach out to our offices today. We can arrange an appointment with one of the qualified therapists in our practice. Take your first step toward living free of unhealthy guilt.

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How to Ease the Process of Moving into a New House for Your Kids

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One of the constants in life is that change is going to happen. Nothing stays the same for long, and our efforts to force things to remain static will leave us feeling anxious, frustrated, and exhausted. Situations evolve, and living things grow in different and wonderful ways. This means that promotions and job changes happen, opportunities open up while others close down, relationships change, or one’s needs and means may shift, and we may find ourselves moving to another home.

The stress of moving

What this all adds to practically is that people will often uproot and move elsewhere. The move can be just a few blocks away, to a different state, or to another country altogether. Moving is one of the most stressful events in a person’s life because of the amount of work it takes, but also because of other issues such as the loss of community and need to navigate new situations and rhythms.

If moving is stressful for the adults in the room, you can be sure that it will be stressful for the little ones in your home, too. Moving might mean changing schools, losing friends, and needing to try and fit into the new situation, and it could mean other things too like no longer having extracurriculars that enriched their lives. While moving is stressful, there are some things that you can do to ease that process for your children.

Tips to make it easier

Adults and children have different coping mechanisms, and they have varying capacities for dealing with stress. As you start the process of moving, it’s good to be on the lookout for signs of stress such as anxiety, mood swings, restlessness, being clingy, developing new or recurring fears, crying more and having more anger, stubbornness, or aggression.

Other signs of stress in kids and teens include decreased concentration or motivation to do things they used to do. Lastly, if your child is stressed, you may find that they have emotional overreactions to minor incidents. These and other signs could point to the fact that your children are stressed by the move. The good news is that while the stress of moving can be challenging for you and your kids, there are ways to make the transition smoother.

Some tips for easing moving stress include the following:

Communicate honestly and openly

The fact that you’ll be moving is obvious enough, but what isn’t always obvious is why. Take the time to explain to your children, at an age-appropriate level, the reasons for the move, and then take time to listen to their concerns. Validate any concerns that they have and address these as honestly as you can. Give them room to express themselves, whether by talking, drawing, or writing.

Involve them in the process

Instead of a hands-off approach, let your children take ownership of the move and start processing it by helping with packing, labeling, and decision-making. They can decorate the moving boxes, or you can turn packing into a game for the younger children. You can also do things like create a scrapbook with memories of your old home.

Maintain your routines

As the move gets underway, it’s easy to lose your old routines. Rather, try to stick to your regular routines and traditions to provide a sense of stability for everyone, including yourselves as parents. For instance, keep dinner time and bedtime routines the same to allow for familiarity and a sense of normalcy.

Maintain a positive focus

The move might be the result of losing your job and needing to downsize, but even in such circumstances, there may still be positives to celebrate, like the new community you’ll be a part of or certain features of the new house.

Remain patient, present, and supportive

Moving is stressful, and that means you’ll need an extra helping of patience and understanding during this transition period. Everyone in the house needs support at this time, and it helps to be girded with grace and to be quick to forgive each other any slights (Colossians 3:12-13).

Have a farewell party

Being able to say goodbye to friends well helps to create lasting memories, and it’s a way to celebrate the upcoming move. Keep the party light and enjoyable, focusing on the good memories you have had in your home, and the plans you have in your new space.

Make the new house feel like home

When you arrive at the new house, set up the children’s room first to help them feel secure and settled as soon as possible. You can unpack some of their favorite items together. You can also take time, whether when you move or some days before, to explore the new area so that you discover new parks, restaurants, and attractions together.

Moving house will affect you and your children in different ways. Each child will have unique needs, which will require you to adapt the ways you show love and support to them. Change can be hard to navigate, but you can walk with your children through this.

You can also reach out for help to a family counselor in Newport Beach if your family is struggling with the move. Your counselor in Newport Beach, California can offer you the support you need to transition well. Contact us at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to schedule your first appointment today.

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Five Natural Remedies to Combat Anxiety

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The number of people who’ve been diagnosed with anxiety has risen significantly in the past few years. COVID-19, an unstable economy, and healthcare crises contribute to people’s fear about the future.

This can cause a rise in anxiety disorders. Most people think medication is the easiest way to combat the problem. However, there are other natural ways to keep anxiety at bay as part of a regular health routine. Here are five natural remedies to combat anxiety:

Deep Breathing

Meditation is widely known to combat anxiety. Deep breathing can be even more effective when it comes to combating anxiety. Sit in a chair in a quiet space. Set a timer for thirty minutes. Inhale for ten seconds, filling both your lungs and your diaphragm.

Hold your breath for ten seconds. Then exhale for ten seconds, emptying your lungs and diaphragm until they are empty. Do this for ten minutes. Do not allow distractions or other noise to prohibit you from doing this in complete silence. After the ten minutes, ask yourself how you feel. Your body will go into a natural, relaxed state.

Your heart will slow down its rhythm and breathing will become deeper. Shallow breathing is also a sign of anxiety. By intentionally breathing more deeply, people allow their bodies to reap the benefit of deep breathing.

Supplements

There are anxiety supplements that are available over the counter to help combat anxiety. For example, an over-the-counter drug called AnxioCalm is a natural supplement that will curb anxiety. Although it may not completely eliminate the anxiety, it will help you feel less anxious in the moment.

Furthermore, natural remedies such as Ashwagandha, and Slippery Elm bark are other natural supplements that, when taken routinely, can help reduce the body’s response to elevated levels of cortisol.

Massage

Massage is a great way to relax the body. Treat yourself to a 30- or 60-minute massage. It can be exactly what the body needs to calm itself down naturally. Not only does massage help calm inflammation throughout the body, but it also resets both the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems.

Both nervous systems must be working properly to reduce stress. Stretching and Reflexology are also two great ways to reduce stress without the need for medication.

Exercise

Although exercise may be a part of your daily routine, a great way to combat anxiety is to take a walk or go for a jog after a stressful day. This not only raises the natural receptors to reduce stress but also lowers levels of cortisol in the body.

Cortisol is the body’s natural response to stress. Elevated levels of cortisol not only contribute to chronic anxiety, but also increase stress-related symptoms such as weight gain, headaches, and other chronic pain. An elevated cortisol level can also contribute to a lack of sleep.

Exercise helps the body to move freely, clear the mind, and prepare it for sleep and its natural rhythms. Exercise can be a great way to forget the temporary stresses of life and improve a person’s mental health. Additionally, not only does it have mental health benefits, but can also improve their physical health such as strengthening the heart, alleviating pain in the joints, helping with weight loss, and getting natural vitamin D that is necessary for the body.

Therapy

Enlisting the help of a professional can be a great way to reduce stress. If you find yourself prone to anxiety attacks or other chronic anxiety, seek help from a professional to help discover exercises that can help reduce stress.

For example, a therapist at Newport Beach Christian Counseling in California may give you specific journaling exercises to analyze your thoughts that may be contributing to anxiety. A therapist can give some insight into the different types of thoughts we have. For example, catastrophizing thoughts are ones in which we think of the “worst-case scenario.”

A person may automatically think this when they’re in a stressful situation. This creates stress on the physical body that doesn’t otherwise need to be there. By analyzing this thought and re-framing it so they don’t assume the worst will happen, an anxious person can take every thought captive as Scripture dictates and allow the person to reduce their stress by changing their thought patterns.

Anxiety can be difficult to combat. But the body also has natural ways to reduce stress. By engaging with those natural remedies, people may be able to avoid medication with serious side effects and help their bodies naturally adapt to stress. For more information on reducing anxiety with the help of a Christian therapist in Newport Beach, please give our office a call today at Newport Beach Christian Counseling in California.

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How to Recognize Signs of OCD in Children

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OCD (obsessive, compulsive disorder) is an anxiety disorder characterized by unwanted, uncontrollable, intrusive thoughts, images, or urges that cause distress, and repetitive behaviors or rituals a person feels compelled to perform in order to get rid of the distress and prevent bad things from happening. However, the signs of OCD may look different in children than they do in adults.

OCD can affect children as well as adults and start at any age, but symptoms most commonly begin to manifest between the ages of 8 and 12 or during the late teen years. The signs usually start small and intensify over time, and because of their gradual onset, may not be noticeable at first.

Are signs of OCD in children the same as signs of OCD in adults?

Signs of OCD in children are similar to those in adults, but younger children who have less developed cognitive skills are less likely to recognize that their obsessions and compulsions are unreasonable or excessive and may think that everyone else has similar thoughts and urges. Children are also more likely to have obsessive thoughts about the safety of their parents and to be afraid that someone they love might get sick or die.

What is the difference between picky behaviors and obsessions or compulsions?

Behaviors such as lining up blocks in a certain way, being a picky eater or fussy dresser, or having certain quirks or preoccupations may just be common phases of childhood. Obsessions and compulsions, however, are not the same thing. They are not a matter of personal choice, nor are they fleeting or short-lived.

Obsessions are repetitive, involuntary, fear-producing, thoughts that the child does not want to have but cannot stop thinking about or control, and that can have a paralyzing effect that prevents him or her from thinking about anything else.

These lead to compulsions, which are repetitive actions or rituals the child feels driven to perform in a certain way to stop the obsessive thoughts and prevent something bad from happening. If they are not done in a specific way, it causes the child to panic and repeat it until they get it right.

What are the diagnostic criteria for OCD in children?

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), many children are sometimes bothered by thoughts they may feel they have to do something about such as, for instance, wearing a favorite piece of clothing to avoid bad luck. For children with OCD, however, these thoughts and urges to act on them are not just occasional. They persist even if the child tries to ignore them or make them go away.

To be diagnosed with OCD, the unwanted thoughts and behaviors the child feels he or she must do happen frequently, take up a lot of time (more than an hour a day), interfere with his or her activities, or make him or her very upset.

What red flags may be signs of OCD in children?

  • Needing to have their possessions organized in a particular way according to a precise, symmetrical pattern, with everything perfectly aligned, and getting upset if anything is touched or moved.
  • Constant anxiety about making a mistake or doing something wrong that will cause something bad to happen.
  • Fear of being contaminated by dirt or germs.
  • Excessive hand washing that leaves skin scrubbed raw and bleeding.
  • Repeatedly checking in on family and needing constant reassurance that they are safe and well.
  • Needing constant reassurance that they haven’t hurt anyone.
  • Repeatedly checking things such as light switches, windows, and doors before leaving the house and getting upset if forced to leave before completing their routine.
  • Having certain rituals they need to perform exactly the same way each time to avoid something bad happening, such as counting steps a specific amount of times before entering a room.
  • Checking things over and over to make sure they are done right.
  • Worrying excessively about the neatness of their handwriting or schoolwork, and erasing, rewriting, or redoing things in a certain way over and over again until they look just right.
  • Asking the same questions repeatedly in different ways to get reassurance that everything will be okay or a particular thing is safe.
  • Having a specific bedtime routine that has to be done just so or they need to start all over again until they get it right.
  • Performing repeated movements such as tapping objects in a repetitive order.
  • Having a preoccupation with unlucky numbers, words, or colors, and linking them to bad things happening.

OCD can be devastating for a child but there are several effective, evidence-based treatment options available. The sooner the condition is diagnosed, the faster it can be treated, and the better the chance for a successful outcome.

If you would like to set up a risk-free appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors in Newport Beach, California, please give us a call at Newport Beach Christian Counseling.

References:

Natasha Daniels. “OCD in Children: Are You Missing the Signs?” AT Parenting Survival. anxioustoddlers.com/ocd-in-children/.

“Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder In Children.” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Reviewed July 26, 2023. cdc.gov/childrensmentalhealth/ocd.html.

Stephanie Rhodes. “How to Recognize Your Child Might Have OCD.” Michigan Medicine. February 18, 2020. michiganmedicine.org/health-lab/how-recognize-your-child-might-have-ocd.

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“Potted Plant”, Courtesy of Nik, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

15 Date Ideas for Couples

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One of the main purposes of dating is for two people to spend quality time together, connect with one another, share experiences, and get to know each other better. Looking for some fresh date ideas for couples? Here are fifteen suggestions below.

At the beginning of a relationship, dating provides an opportunity to explore your compatibility and potential suitability to become a long-term couple. Deeper into the relationship, it helps strengthen the connection between you and your spouse and keep romance alive.

Finding time for date nights can be challenging, especially if you have young children at home, but being intentional about setting aside time dedicated to focusing on each other can be a game changer that prevents your relationship from becoming stale.

Regular date nights enable you and your spouse to enjoy each other’s company without distractions, increase intimacy through shared activities, and strengthen the bond between you. It is also an important reminder that your relationship is a priority no matter how busy life gets.

According to relationship coach and author Jaime Bronstein, “One of the most important keys to a lasting relationship or marriage is never to stop dating.”

Commit to a weekly date and pencil it in on your calendar. Planning for a specific day and time gives you something to look forward to.

Date ideas for couples

Not all dates have to involve going out. Neither do they have to be expensive or even at night. Let’s consider some simple and inexpensive date ideas for couples you can try if you would like a change from the old standard dinner out and a movie.

Play a board game

Pick a couple of your favorite board games to play – or one long one like Monopoly. In addition to enabling you to relax and have fun, board games provide an opportunity for you to interact and engage in friendly competition while enjoying each other’s company.

Cook a meal together

Making your favorite dish together, or finding a new recipe to try, and enjoying the results, can be a fun, relaxing, interactive activity.

Plan a trip

Planning all the details of an upcoming adventure together enables you to bond over a shared experience.

Take a walk or hike together

Hiking enables you to talk without distractions while you enjoy nature and get some exercise.

Visit a museum or art exhibit

Find an interesting exhibit to explore and discuss what you see.

Play miniature golf

Miniature golf can be a relaxing, casual activity. Maybe place a fun wager on the game to add a little friendly competition to the fun.

Go for a boat ride

Go kayaking or spend a couple of relaxing hours on the water in a rowboat, paddleboat, or canoe.

Take a class together

Taking a class together is a fun way to share an experience while learning something new. If you need to keep costs down, look for a free tutorial on YouTube.

Have a picnic

Pack up a basket and find a secluded spot where you can hang out and enjoy the scenery while you eat. It can be as simple or as fancy as you want it to be. You can even have a picnic indoors.

Pretend you’re a tourist

Make believe you’re a tourist and go sightseeing around your town. Visit local landmarks, tourist attractions, and places you often pass but never go into.

Watch the sunset together

Reconnect with each other at the end of the day by finding a spot with a clear view of the horizon and watching the sunset together.

Look through old photos

Take a trip down memory lane while looking through old photos and reminiscing about the memories they bring up.

Recreate your first date

Recreating your first date or revisiting the place where you first met can be a fun and nostalgic way to spend time together and relive special memories.

Stargaze

Stargazing can be a peaceful way to spend time together. Download a stargazing app and see if you can find any constellations or planets.

Volunteer together

Whether it’s visiting a nursing home, serving at a soup kitchen, distributing blankets, taking shelter dogs for walks, picking up trash, or volunteering at a shelter, doing volunteer work together can strengthen your connection and appreciation for one another while you give back to your community.

If you are interested in looking for additional ways to strengthen the connection between you and your spouse beyond the date ideas for couples in this article and would like to set up an appointment to meet with one of the faith-based couples counselors in Newport Beach, California, please don’t hesitate to give us a call at Newport Beach Christian Counseling.

Photos:
“Loving Couple”, Courtesy of Candice Picard, Unsplash.com, CC0 LicenseIf you are interested in your teen attending individual or group therapy, please reach out to us at The Colony Christian Counseling. We will arrange for you to meet with one of the faith-based counselors in The Colony, Texas.

Common Symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder in Children, Adolescents, and Adults

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Reactive attachment disorder, also known as RAD, is a condition that affects a child’s ability to bond with significant people in his or her life due to his or her emotional needs going unmet during infancy or serious abuse or neglect.

It is most likely to occur in children who live in orphanages or other institutional settings, have been in multiple foster care homes, or whose mother or primary caregiver has been physically or emotionally absent for extended periods.

As children with reactive attachment disorder get older, their symptoms fall into one of two subtypes – inhibited reactive attachment disorder or disinhibited reactive attachment disorder.

Children with inhibited reactive attachment disorder are often withdrawn, emotionally unresponsive, show no interest in what is going on around them, do not seek comfort from their caregivers, and prefer to keep to themselves.

On the other hand, children with disinhibited reactive attachment disorder may be overly friendly with strangers, lack the desire or need to stay close to their primary caregiver for safety, violate social boundaries, and seek affection from others in a potentially unsafe way.

Without treatment, the symptoms of children with reactive attachment disorder are likely to persist into adulthood and affect the way they function in society.

Common symptoms of reactive attachment disorder in children

  • Avoiding eye contact.
  • Failure to smile.
  • Failure to coo or babble.
  • Crying inconsolably.
  • Not reaching arms out to be picked up.
  • Not seeming to notice when you walk into the room.
  • Not seeming to care when you leave him or her alone.
  • Not seeking comfort or responding when comfort is given.
  • Pushing away or leaning away from a person trying to be affectionate or offer comfort.
  • Angry outbursts or tantrums.
  • Reacting violently when held or cuddled.
  • Withdrawing from social situations.
  • Lack of interest in people around them.
  • Lack of conscience.
  • Inability to feel guilt, remorse, or regret.
  • Uninterested in playing interactive games such as peek-a-boo.
  • Failure to seek support or help when needed.
  • Lack of interaction with peers.
  • Engaging in self-soothing behaviors such as rocking back and forth.

Common symptoms of reactive attachment disorder in adolescents

  • Appearing withdrawn and emotionally detached.
  • Looking sad and lethargic.
  • Lack of eye contact.
  • Dislike being touched.
  • Inability to form meaningful relationships.
  • Lacking basic social skills.
  • Defiant and argumentative.
  • Anger issues.
  • Difficult to discipline.
  • Lack of self-control.
  • Problems at school.
  • Low self-esteem.
  • Unpredictability.
  • Lack of empathy.
  • Irritability.
  • Destructive behavior.
  • Cruelty to animals.
  • Engaging in risky behaviors.
  • Failure to seek or respond to comfort when upset.
  • Avoid interacting with peers.
  • Manipulative behavior.
  • Lying.
  • Stealing.
  • Lack of conscience, and an inability to feel guilt or remorse.
  • Substance abuse.
  • Preoccupation with blood, fire, and gore.

Common symptoms of reactive attachment disorder in adults

  • Fear of being alone.
  • Minimizing feelings of hurt or pain.
  • Physically or emotionally distancing themselves from others.
  • Feel as though they don’t fit in.
  • Inability to show genuine care or affection.
  • Reject love.
  • Failure to seek support when they need it.
  • Avoid making eye contact.
  • Pushing people away.
  • Absence of joy.
  • Addictive and/or risky behaviors.
  • Lack of conscience, and an inability to feel emotions such as regret, guilt, or remorse.
  • Tendency to avoid serious relationships.
  • Communication difficulties.
  • Anger issues.

Treatment options

The focus of treatment is on strengthening the child emotionally, helping him or her create healthy bonds and relationships, and/or repairing existing negative relationships between him or her and caregivers. For adolescents and adults, there is an added focus on improving social and communication skills.

Common interventions include:

Psychotherapy

In psychotherapy, the counselor works with both the child and his or her parents to teach them how to build healthy emotional skills and reduce the problematic behaviors that prevent bonding from taking place.

Family therapy

In family therapy, the counselor works with the child and his or her family members to help them learn how to interact healthily.

Social skills intervention

Social skills intervention is focused on teaching the child how to interact appropriately with his or her peers.

Parenting skills classes

Parenting skills classes are geared toward teaching parents how to increase their responsiveness and sensitivity toward their child, meet his or her needs, and bond with him or her, as well as how to manage their child’s challenging behaviors and help him or her use the skills learned during therapy in the outside world more effectively.

If you have questions or would like to set up an appointment to meet with a counselor in Newport Beach, California, please give us a call at Newport Beach Christian Counseling. We can help you or your child address and overcome reactive attachment disorder.

References:

Aaron Kandola. “What is reactive attachment disorder?” Medical News Today. November 2, 2020. medicalnewstoday.com/articles/reactive-attachment-disorder.

Elizabeth E. Ellis and Musa Yilanli. “Reactive Attachment Disorder.” StatPearls. Updated May 1, 2023. statpearls.com/ArticleLibrary/viewarticle/19406.

Photos:
“Pink Flowers”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

What Depression Feels Like

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Do you ever wonder if you are depressed or just sad? If so, this article on what depression feels like may be for you.

Key differences between sadness and depression

Sadness is a normal emotional reaction to a particular experience such as a painful event, rejection, or disappointment. Though it temporarily changes your mood, you can still go about your day and have moments when you are able to laugh or be comforted. Eventually, it fades on its own.

Depression, on the other hand, is an all-encompassing and debilitating mood disorder that occurs without any apparent reason and that left untreated can last for months or years. It is much more intense than feeling sad or temporarily weighed down by what is going on around you and does not necessarily include sadness.

Many people with depression feel numb and unable to feel anything at all. Others, especially men, may feel anger or irritability that is out of proportion to what triggers it.

Depression alters the way your brain functions. It tends to be a whole-body experience that affects you physically as well as emotionally, making it difficult or impossible for you to function normally in your day-to-day life and causing problems at work, at home, and in your relationships with others. It has been likened to permanently wearing a pair of gray-tinted glasses that only allow you to see the negative side of things.

Things only people with depression can truly understand

Depression drains your energy level and makes every day seem like a challenge. You feel constantly fatigued and worn out. Everything seems to require more energy and take longer to complete. You have trouble staying focused on what you need to do, and taking care of everyday routines and responsibilities can feel overwhelming.

Being constantly told to look at the bright side of things or think positively is not helpful. Depression is not a choice or a mood. When you are depressed, you can’t control your thoughts. Your thoughts control you.

Depression cannot be turned on and off at will. Being told to get over it or that you have nothing to be depressed about only adds frustration, anxiety, guilt, or shame and adds to your already flagging sense of worth. Telling a depressed person to snap out of it is like asking someone with a broken leg to walk.

Depression affects more than your mental and emotional state. Depression affects your physical body as well, making you prone to headaches, muscle tension, and other unexplained aches and pains. It also affects your appetite and sleep patterns. You may have trouble falling or staying asleep or sleep too much, lose weight due to a loss of appetite, or gain weight due to an increased craving for comfort foods.

Depression is all-consuming. It is not a passing feeling like sadness. Though you may sometimes feel sad, you are more likely not to feel anything at all other than being numb to life. It is a mental illness that impacts every area of your life – family, work, and social. You no longer enjoy or have an interest in things that used to give you pleasure and may isolate yourself and avoid others even though you feel lonely.

How people describe what depression feels like

People who have been interviewed about what depression feels like to them often use metaphors such as “slogging through molasses, walking around with a pack full of rocks on my back, or falling into a deep black hole I can’t get out of.” Others describe it as “feeling there’s nothing to hope for, crying all day without reason, it’s like a heavy blanket you can’t take off, or a sense of emptiness and disconnection.”

Because of the variety of ways depression can be experienced, the MyWellbeing team interviewed 100 people during Depression Awareness Month, asking them to describe in a single statement what depression feels like to them. Below is a sampling of the responses.

  • Like fog has taken over my brain.
  • Every day is a struggle.
  • The simplest things feel impossible.
  • There is no way out.
  • Drowning.
  • Suffocating.
  • Like living on another planet where I don’t belong.
  • It’s heavy and lonely.
  • Everything is meaningless.
  • Not finding joy in anything.
  • Like fog has taken over my brain.
  • Constant need for sleep, migraines, and no appetite except for foods that are bad for me.
  • Like wanting to crawl into a cotton ball because everything around me is too much.
  • Like I’m on an island, deep in a dark cave of shame and self-hatred.
  • Feeling hopeless and worthless without an obvious reason.
  • Questioning why I am even here. Feeling like I am a waste of space and oxygen.
  • It makes the smallest tasks – like drinking water, showering, and playing with my kids – feel so hard.
  • Like the act of getting out of bed is equivalent to climbing Everest.
  • Like constantly coming up short for every single person/animal in my life.

If you feel you are struggling with depression and would like to set up a risk-free appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors at our location to see how counseling can help you, please give us a call today. You don’t have to walk this path alone.

References:

Greg Dorter. “Things Only People With Depression Can Truly Understand.” ActiveBeat. Updated November 1, 2021. activebeat.com/your-health/10-things-only-people-with-depression-can-truly-understand/.

Haley Jakobson. “100 People Told Us What Depression Feels Like.” MyWellbeing. mywell-being.com/therapy-101/what-depression-feels-like.

Sara Lindberg. “What Does Depression Feel Like?” VeryWell Mind. Updated November 2, 2022. verywellmind.com/what-depression-feels-like-5088793.

Photos:
“Downcast”, Courtesy of Chad Madden, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Simple Ways to Connect with Your Teen

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As parents, when we gaze at our teens, we are flooded with complex thoughts and feelings. How did they grow up so fast? Why, if we love them so much, do they drive us so crazy? We long for the connection that we once had with them when they were younger. All these thoughts and feelings are normal. But what is the best way to connect with your teen?

The teen years are full of changes, from physical changes that we can visualize, like height and hairstyle choices, to those we cannot see, like their thoughts and feelings. They, too, are caught in the middle of this just as much as we are, full of hormones, feelings, and pressures. This can make life feel like a roller coaster for us and them!

In the midst of this, it is easy to feel disconnected. When their preferences change, we may not recognize what they enjoy. When their feelings are all over the place, we may not feel like engaging or even know how. When busy schedules change routines, we may miss the opportunities for connecting.

While you may not be able to change what is happening, you can still find ways to connect. With some creativity and willingness to try, you and your teen can connect in new ways that strengthen your relationship.

Here are a few simple things you can try to enhance your connection with your teen.

Connect with your teen by watching what they watch

Notice what your teen is watching on television or what movies they like. They may not invite you to watch with them, but that does not mean you cannot watch. When you take note of what they are enjoying, set aside time to watch it on your own. Try to reserve judgment and simply watch.

The next time they are watching their show, mention that you started watching it. Tell them about a character you like or a plot twist that surprised you. Your teen will notice that you care about what they like. See if they invite you to watch with them. If they do not, take the lead and suggest watching an episode together.

Have their favorite snacks on hand

Teaching your kids healthy eating habits is an important part of parenting, but it is ok to have some flexibility, especially as a means of connecting with your child.

Sometimes they want chips or ice cream. Other times they will want the biggest strawberries or some new seltzer. Do what you can to make these items available. Even try to enjoy them with your teen.

This small effort can help your child feel loved and seen. It will also give you something to enjoy together!

Welcoming their friends helps connect you to your teen

Many teens feel an important connection to their friends. This is also true of people they are dating. When you open your home and your heart to their friends, it shows them that you care about them. Plus, it means they are home a little more.

Be the house your child wants to bring their friends to. This does not mean you should disregard any rules or family standards. However, you can be welcoming in ways that matter. Have cookies or snacks in the kitchen when your teen and their friend come in. Ask questions. Be curious about their opinions.

Ask about their day. Allow your teen to bring a friend when you go somewhere. When you care for their friends, you are caring for your teen at the same time. They may not say how much it matters, but they will see you trying, and every little connection counts.

Let your teen choose

One of the most common things teens want is to be heard. They want to know that what they think, feel, or want is valued. Show your teen this by letting them choose. This can be something as simple as a restaurant you go to or something more involved like an activity you do on vacation. It is not about what you do; it is about giving them a voice and honoring it.

Ask for help

You can ask your teen for help. This shows vulnerability and recognizes their growing independence, and the gifts, skills, and knowledge they are gaining as they mature.

You can also ask God for help. God loves healthy, connected family relationships. Ask Him to show you things you can do to connect with your teen. Be on the lookout for opportunities He gives you to spend time with them and value them. He is faithful to hear you and answer you.

When you need help to connect with your teen

Your relationship with your teen may feel hard. While this is normal to some degree, you do not need to wrestle with it alone. You can talk to a counselor about what you can do to connect with your teen. Likewise, your teen may find individual counseling valuable or even want to pursue family counseling to discuss things together.

All these ideas can assist you in improving and strengthening your relationship with your child. Feel free to contact us at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to see how one of the Christian counselors in Newport Beach, California can help.

Photos:
“Cooking”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Checking Social Media”, Courtesy of Luke Porter, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “On the Beach”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License