How to Find the Best Therapist for You: Qualities That Make a Counselor Qualified

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I’ve gotten these questions as a therapist from several pending clients in many different situations over the years:

  • Are you an expert on this issue?
  • Have you worked with this before?
  • Are you just a regular professional therapist?
  • I’m not sure if you could help, can you?

It is a good question to ask. And a question coming from a pragmatic, caring heart, as you want yourself or someone you love, not to waste time but to experience healing and growth. So, in this article, I want to provide some introduction to what you can probably expect your therapist to know and how likely they are to help.

Therapist Training

Let’s first talk about the knowledge and training a therapist gains from the ground up, and what you can generally come to accept as standard for your experience across the board.

There are three basic differentiations for therapists by experience and training, like the levels in carpentry, which look like

  • Apprentice
  • Journeyman
  • Master carpenter

Therapist training levels are:

  • Trainee: like an apprentice learning the trade, supervised often by professors
  • Associate therapist: like a journeyman gaining experience, full-time practitioners, gaining supervision by professional therapists, often still pre-licensed
  • Licensed therapist: like a master carpenter, working under own license

This is the marriage and family therapy model of training classification, whereas other counseling professionals, like clinical counselors, social workers, and psychologists, may have slightly different education and classification than MFTs.

Like any profession, you can have brilliant and skilled technicians or not-so-brilliant or skilled practitioners at any level of training. But let’s start with trainees and ask the questions: Are you an expert, have you seen this, and can you help?

As a trained therapist trainee, one has received a variety of education and training around areas as diverse as child psychology and the study of aging along the lifespan, abnormal psychology regarding the study of all types of mental illnesses, and the study of what makes romantic partnerships and personal lives thrive and blossom versus fail.

All trainees have been reared in a number of different theories and philosophies, looking at what causes problems in human functioning. They are also trained in vehicles of change for the betterment of quality of life and the factors in therapy that are conducive to that growth.

You can have appointments with trainees and work with them, generally for lower fees than associates or licensed therapists, and specific benefits can range from their recent academic scholarship and research, the supervisors who really invest in their maturation, and so you have two brains working behind your care.

Trainees are often tremendously gifted individuals by nature who apply some of the common factors beautifully, as well as begin to grow more knowledge of certain specialized treatments.

Below are some of the common factors that describe what therapy looks like in every office and are generally considered factors that contribute to many healing outcomes:

Common Factors

Support

  • Catharsis
  • Identification with therapist
  • Mitigation of isolation
  • Positive relationship
  • Reassurance
  • Release of tension
  • Structure
  • Therapeutic alliance
  • Active participation of both therapist and client
  • Therapist expertise
  • Therapist warmth, respect, empathy, acceptance, genuineness
  • Trust

Learning

  • Advice
  • Affective experience
  • Assimilating problematic experiences
  • Cognitive learning
  • Corrective emotional experience
  • Feedback
  • Insight
  • Rationale
  • Exploration of the internal frame of reference
  • Changing expectations of personal effectiveness

Action

  • Behavioral regulation
  • Cognitive mastery
  • Encouragement to face fears
  • Taking risks
  • Mastery efforts
  • Modeling
  • Practice
  • Reality testing
  • Experiencing success
  • Working through

Therapists at all levels will be trained to apply these modes of thinking, feeling, relating, teaching, and modeling, which means most interactions, when things fit, are examples of dealing with an expert in modeling and shaping changed thinking, feeling, communicating, and behaving at some level.

Trainings And Credentials

Therapists at all levels can receive specialized training (as permitted by the presenters). In fact, I took training this last year for an evidence-based couples therapy approach that had me surrounded by psychologists with PhD’s, licensed MFTs, associates, trainees just beginning to see clients for the first time, many saying keenly insightful things.

Some training and methods can teach you theories that are evidence-based (meaning research studies have proven effective in achieving positive outcomes) or can have you trained in subject matter as general as child psychology or as specific as trauma-focused therapy with veterans.

Other training can lead to certification and credentials such as CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist), Addiction certified through organizations like National Certified Addiction Counselor, NAADAC, EMDR certified, or Gottman method certified, and those who pursue them often spend years and thousands of dollars on those specialties.

That shows a passion and a commitment to that subpopulation, which is a good sign if you’re a client (and probably means you’ll need to pay more for their services).

The next level of general training every therapist must progress to is that of an associate therapist. After a trainee graduates from their graduate program and has seen hundreds of hours of clients by then, they then apply for an associate number to begin seeing clients under the tutelage of a supervisor in a professional and paid relationship.

Therapists in this stage gain even more hours and end up with upwards of 1200 face-to-face session hours with a supervisor coaching them before and after, and countless more hours learning the trade, amounting to at least 3000 hours of training. Associates, on top of education, amass a lot of real training in the field.

Many of these associate therapists work in agencies or private practices under the license of their supervisor, so they are well monitored and guided by those supervising licensed therapists. During this time, they must acquire training in telehealth, ethics, suicide, and risk assessment, and often do many hours of extra training in these topics.

For example, the agencies I worked with during my associate period trained me intensively in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which is a model that largely helps clients who are dysregulated internally regulate, make effective choices, and increase mindfulness and flexibility.

I also was taught Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral therapy, which taught a method of working with traumatized children to assist them to grow in the ability to deshame themselves, notice their feelings and sensations, and process trauma in a suitable way that left them more able to continue with their lives. Then, with this trauma, I was able to implement the tools and techniques of those models and then be shaped and molded by my supervisors into a more adept practitioner with those tools.

What is the scope of competence versus the scope of practice?

Terms you may hear from a therapist are.

“That is not in my scope of practice.”

This means the therapist, and any therapist at any level or professional title, would not be equipped to deal with. To exaggerate, filing your taxes, giving you legal advice, or telling you how to reconstruct your porch would be out of a therapist’s scope of practice. However, it is harder to identify discrepancies would be giving medical advice, or usually prescribing medication (unless the therapist is a psychiatrist

What is within the scope of practice is trained listening, encouragement, discernment, interpersonal skill building, self-regulation skill building, insight development, crisis management, mindfulness, and thought process change toward truthfulness

“That is within my scope of competence!”

This means the topic that you are bringing to the therapist is one that the therapist is well versed in and trained or experienced in more than the average therapist. For example, all therapists are trained to assist family members in healthier discussions, etc., but some therapists have a greater scope of competence than others, maybe to assist a family member dealing with a son with severe mental illness, which a different therapist might not be as competent in handling

The last level of training is being licensed in your therapy field, such as a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT), licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), or licensed professional clinical counselor (LPCC). After completing the required hours and your associate phase, a therapist of any sort is now granted the privilege, in distinction from the professional boards of their state and or professional organizations, to conduct therapy on their own.

If the famous anthropologist Malcolm Gladwell is close to the truth about 10,000 hours of practice making someone an expert in something, then including the associate time of 3000 hours plus many hours of undergraduate and graduate education, any licensed therapist is pretty close or at least halfway to being an expert, or at least a skilled professional at handling mental, emotional, and social issues adeptly for the client.

And many issues overlap, and initial reasons for coming to therapy can often lead both the therapist and the client to see that there are other underlying things to be worked on. Therapists who engaged in different ways of becoming experienced can often see problem areas where they can apply what they know from different angles, whether it be a more researched approach, common sense, or general intuition and skillfulness at the therapist’s springs.

I, for example, have been shaped through training in different methods, life experience, overall years of clinical experience, outside interests in readings, psychological concepts, and how much time in my faith, reading the Bible, listening to sermons, and community, which speaks to the human experience.

So perhaps I may have a potential client who says their child with high functioning autism is really struggling and isolating due to social pressures in junior college as a forty-year-old attempting to be more self-sufficient.

I’ve never worked with a forty-year-old with autism, and I’m not considered an expert who has had countless training sessions and hours of experience. However, I know the client will need emotional regulation, some interpersonal skills, some acceptance and understanding of where to push to accept limits, and family support, just through general awareness and experience

Hopefully, I’ve been able to show the spectrum of the kind of helpful care you will receive and things that you can look for and ask for to gain greater clarity. Overall, seeing anyone at any level in this field, it is likely you will be meeting with someone knowledgeable who can provide adequate supervision of your care.

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Signs of Burnout and How They Differ from Signs of Depression

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Most of us have had the experience of waking up, thinking about the day ahead, and being tempted to roll over and continue sleeping for the rest of the day. It’s not unusual to get overwhelmed in your career, relationship, or studies to the point of wishing for a different life.

You might have realized that you are not coping, but have you wondered about what could be going on in your mental health? You might have noticed the signs of burnout, but could you also be depressed, and how would you know the difference?

There is a lot of overlap in the symptoms between burnout and depression, and many people experience both at the same time. However, burnout differs from depression in several important ways, and you can experience one without the other. Ultimately, the way to combat burnout is different from the way a depressive episode is treated. Knowing the difference will help you craft a self-care plan that radically helps you in the long-term.

More Than One Type of Burnout

People experience burnout whether they have a demanding career or are unemployed. You can experience burnout at home, in a relationship, within your friend group, or in your loving family. It becomes easier to notice the signs of burnout when you recognize the type of burnout you are facing.

Caregiver Fatigue

Burnout is a form of intense mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion that leads to an array of other symptoms, including physical sickness and chronic pain. Typically, people refer to occupational or career burnout. It is also common for people to experience caregiver fatigue. This is a form of chronic exhaustion that comes from providing ongoing care to dependents of any age.

It is common to feel overly responsible while also having little support in these roles, either practical or emotional. Ultimately, your empathy is reduced as you end up feeling resentful, guilty, and sometimes reliant on unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as substance abuse.

Parental Exhaustion

Being a parent is richly rewarding, but it can also be one of the most intensely difficult and draining roles you will take on. Parental exhaustion is a form of burnout where you feel inundated with the constant needs of those around you. You might feel as if you’re failing in your role, or like you’re a terrible parent for even struggling.

Others make it look so easy. They seem to be fulfilled, while you are emotionally dysregulated, tense, and deeply unhappy. Added to this, you might feel isolated, alone, and guilty for struggling in the first place.

Relational Burnout

Some relationships are physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. You might find yourself going through a prolonged season of conflict or imbalance, whether it’s with a spouse, family member, or close friend. It often feels like the success and health of the relationship rest on your efforts alone. No wonder you feel drained, detached, hopeless, and resentful. These are signs of burnout that you can’t afford to ignore.

Academic Stress

The final, most common form of burnout happens at an academic level. Students of all ages face the pressure to perform well, to meet constant deadlines, and to maintain grade averages.

This results in them feeling intense anxiety for their future, indecision about the path they’re on, panic from feeling tied to an uncertain destiny, and buckling under the weight of perfectionism. Having a minimal social life or relationships affected by the studies makes everything harder to deal with.

Signs of Burnout That Overlap with Depression

Depression is an umbrella term that describes a mental state sometimes caused by a clinical disorder, and other times by circumstances. In other words, you can be depressed because of something going on inside your body, by the events happening around you, or sometimes a combination of the two.

Burnout is an event that influences your health and habits. Of course, it is possible for someone who is already dealing with depression to also experience burnout. There is much overlap between the two.

You will notice the signs of burnout and depression in your body, in your daily routine, and in your mood. Burnout and depression both cause mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion. In turn, this affects your sleep pattern, social involvement, and hygiene. You might find yourself becoming increasingly more irritable and aggressive, or more disinterested in the things that once brought you joy.

One of the key differences between burnout and depression is in how it impacts you over time. Typically, burnout is an event that lasts anywhere between a few weeks and a few months. Depression can last for years at a time, resulting in changes to your self-esteem, outlook, and hope for the future.

Burnout might have you questioning your life choices, but depression will have you questioning your self-worth. Burnout will make you think, “I’m tired, and I don’t want to do this job anymore,” whereas depression ultimately has you thinking, “There’s no point to life anymore.”

Burnout still leaves a small sense of hope for the future. If you can make some practical changes to your responsibilities or have some important conversations, you can make a positive impact on your situation. It might take some time to recover from the exertion and stress, but ultimately, burnout can result in positive change. By contrast, the core of depression is hopelessness and disinterest in the future. Depression makes the future seem dark, and your efforts futile.

You can recover from burnout after a few weeks of improved sleep and diet, some physical movement, and time spent with friends. You cannot affect depression as easily. When you are in the grips of depression, it is unlikely that you will want to make changes at all. Besides, you don’t have the energy or enthusiasm required to make those changes.

When To Seek Help

The good news is that both burnout and depression are treatable, regardless of how long you have felt either or how intensely they have affected you. Besides making practical changes to your routine and improving your sleep, diet, and social life, you can address burnout by taking it to the source.

It might be that you have stretched yourself too thin, that you are not getting the support you need, or that you are overperforming because someone is pressuring you to do so. You will have to address these issues with the people involved and make some practical changes to ensure you don’t fall into the same habits.

If it is depression you are dealing with, know that you will likely not improve over time and that you need to seek the help of a professional. You might benefit from getting a medical checkup or psychological evaluation, but you will also need to implement bigger changes to your life. This could include changing careers, processing trauma with a counselor or confidant, or attending group therapy sessions.

Regardless of how it feels right now, there is a future for you. It might not be perfect, and it might take some work to realize it, but it is achievable and better than anything you are going through right now. As Jesus once told a group of world-weary people, “‘Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.’” (Matthew 11:28, NIV)

If you don’t know where to start or if you are overwhelmed, even contemplating your situation, we can help. So many of the things we face are put into perspective when we talk about them to someone with insight and compassion. With a counselor, you will find an empathetic ear, a confidential space, and informed insight. Please consult our online catalog if you would like to find a counselor or speak with our reception team, who can help you find someone suitable.

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Traits of a Highly Sensitive Child and How to Care for Them

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Children often experience big emotions, and it is typically normal. Some children, however, feel they live in a state of extreme emotion all the time and are more easily triggered by their environment. When this happens, you may find yourself wondering if your child’s reactions are normal or if you have a highly sensitive child.

Help! I have a highly sensitive child

A highly sensitive child is a child who processes and reacts more deeply to their experiences than other children do. They are inherently wired like that. Highly sensitive children are often known to be feisty and fierce, passionate and persistent, insightful and empathetic, intuitive and intense, and they are constantly living in extremes. They’re known to be either ecstatic or enraged.

Highly sensitive children are sensitive to their environment, experiences, relationships, and expectations. They are amazing children, but because they react in bigger ways than most, they are prone to frustration, power struggles, and perfectionism. This is because they find it more challenging to adapt to the limits and expectations they encounter in their daily lives.

The intensity of highly sensitive children can be exhausting for their parents or caregivers. It can be hard to understand your highly sensitive child in all their complexity, and they are often misunderstood because there seems to be no middle ground with them. The better you can understand them, the more you can learn how to provide the sensitive and responsive care that they need to thrive.

3 Key Traits of Highly Sensitive Children

Some of the more prominent traits of a highly sensitive child include the following:

Highly sensitive children are more sensitive to the world around them

Highly sensitive children experience their emotions in extremes. This is because they feel much more deeply than most. They are often compared to orchids: high-maintenance plants that react to the smallest changes in environment. They are more vulnerable to changes in their environment and may seem to react irrationally as a result.

In addition to their extreme emotions, they are also sensitive to the environment they are in, and their brains never seem to shut down. They are known as processors as they tend to focus on and analyze even minute details. While this makes them extremely insightful and empathetic, because they seem to lack an internal filter, they are also more easily overwhelmed, absorbing more than they can handle.

They also tend to be more self-aware and perceptive than most. They question things others might take for granted and can articulate their motivations for things they did or said even better than some adults. They can understand their own struggles. They also tend to have great insight into how others feel and can pick up on subtle changes in tone.

Highly sensitive children have big reactions to the world around them

Your highly sensitive child will have bigger reactions than most to sensory input, even to seemingly small things. They are more sensitive to sensory input and experience sights, sounds, textures, and smells more intensely. They may avoid things like foods with particular smells, flavors, or textures, certain kinds of clothing, public restrooms with noisy hand dryers, or get upset when something doesn’t look like they expect.

A highly sensitive child is more prone to meltdowns because they are more quickly triggered to experience stress. When they feel overwhelmed by the constant onslaught of sensations that they can’t manage effectively, it can result in intense emotional reactions.

A highly sensitive child will be more apprehensive about new people or places. Their minds turn over all the details in a new situation, whether it’s a new classroom, activity, birthday party, or family gathering. They will try to anticipate what they might expect, wondering what might happen and whether they will be liked, feel safe, or be good at the activity.

Their deep thinking and constant analysis are an attempt to prepare for the unknown. While this makes them come across as bright and insightful, it can also be overwhelming for them. This results in the child resisting new things and clinging to what is familiar and comfortable. They may struggle separating from their parents or adapting to being left alone at school or sports.

A highly sensitive child also tends to get frustrated more easily. While everyone experiences a certain amount of natural discomfort when confronting something new or challenging, a highly sensitive child will find it intolerable. Because they experience more distress in those situations, they may give up more easily when they experience a challenging task.

They also tend to be preoccupied with how others see them, even if parents or other adults say complimentary things about them. They are so sensitive to feeling scrutinized or assessed that they even feel uncomfortable receiving praise, as they perceive the pressure of being evaluated.

They may also be inclined to misinterpret others’ actions, taking what others say and do more personally than it was intended. It may seem like a highly sensitive child filters their experiences through a victim mindset. This can make navigating relationships with siblings and peers more challenging.

Highly Sensitive Children try to control the world around them

Because of their sensitivity to their environment, a highly sensitive child will live in a state of high alert and will feel a greater need for control in those situations where they feel uncomfortable. They will try to prepare for and protect themselves from the next big emotion, event, or experience that could be overwhelming.

They will attempt to gain control of a situation by being rigid and inflexible about details like where to sit and which plate to use. The more out of control they feel on the inside, the more controlling they may be on the outside. Even their constant analysis of event details is part of this desire to feel in control of their world and what to expect in any situation.

A highly sensitive child is more likely to struggle with perfectionism because when they can’t complete a task in the way their brain is telling them it should be, they feel a loss of control. They are triggered to feel shame, and this results in them quickly feeling like a failure. They experience failure as a personal failing they are judged for, instead of as part of the learning process.

Perfectionism and difficulty losing go hand in hand. This makes competitive activities especially stressful for the highly sensitive child. A highly sensitive child is more likely to try to manipulate the game in their favor so that they can win to protect themselves from the shame of losing. Alternatively, they may get angry and quit if the result isn’t going their way.

This also means that a highly sensitive child will have a hard time accepting correction. Even seemingly harmless directions can be perceived as personal judgments instead of helpful guidance.

Any perceived shame they experience can trigger reactions like laughing, looking away, anger, or even running away. Evasive responses are all coping mechanisms to provide protection and relief from the flood of difficult emotions.

How to Care for Your Highly Sensitive Child

A child with a sensitive temperament can’t outgrow who they are. They can learn how to manage their emotions and cope with the more challenging aspects of their sensitivity. A big part of helping them is managing your expectations and approaching their meltdowns with patience and compassion.

When your sensitive child reacts to something, don’t take things they say and do personally. The fact that they are lashing out is a sign that they are struggling to cope with something. Don’t minimize their emotions. Instead, try to remain calm and not be reactive yourself. Stay present while providing space for your child to feel what they’re feeling.

Don’t try to problem-solve in the middle of the meltdown, but rather wait until they are calm before offering help. If they permit you to share some ideas that you have of ways to handle a situation, they will feel more in control and be more receptive to what you have to say. Sharing your thoughts, guidance, and personal experiences in this manner can help them better understand and adapt to the world around them.

Not all highly sensitive children will have all of these traits, and many who aren’t highly sensitive may struggle to some degree with some of these. But because of their sensitivity, these children may be more likely to struggle with anxiety or mental health challenges. If this sensitivity is affecting their ability to function well at home or at school, or interfering with their relationships, they can benefit from professional help such as Christian counseling.

Connect with a counselor near you or through this website to learn more about working with myself.

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4 Signs of a Toxic Relationship and How to Fix It

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Finding and being in a healthy relationship can be as exciting and as rewarding as finding a cleverly hidden geocache; it’s an amazing experience that takes a lot of work to accomplish.

Great relationships do take a lot of work because there are many things that can derail important aspects of a relationship, such as communication. There are many skills necessary to handle the challenges that beset relationships successfully.

As social and relational creatures, we are hardwired for relationships. Your relationships have a profound effect on who you are and who you become as a person. If you’re in a toxic relationship, remedying the situation as quickly as possible is the best move you can make for your well-being.

Indicators of a Toxic Relationship

A toxic relationship can pass and look like a normal relationship. However, on closer inspection, certain patterns, habits, and dynamics in the relationship are decidedly unhealthy and damage both parties. A toxic relationship has certain features that distinguish it from a healthy one. Some of the signs of a toxic relationship include the following:

The way you talk to each other Communication is the lifeblood of a relationship because that is how a couple shares their ideas, thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears, desires, expectations, disagreements, and more. Communication can be unhealthy if it’s steeped in anger, if you don’t listen to each other, if there’s constant criticism and too little encouragement, or if it builds up.

If a couple is constantly engaged in conflict, and they engage in conflict by casting aspersions toward one another, or they stonewall and become unresponsive to each other’s needs, those could also point to a toxic relationship.

The way you treat each other If a couple doesn’t honor each other, that is a feature of a toxic relationship. That lack of honor may look like disrespecting boundaries, making jokes at the other person’s expense, humiliating or putting each other down, not respecting each other’s opinions, seeking to manipulate or control each other, being deceptive toward one another, and not celebrating each other.

If a couple doesn’t enjoy each other’s company or chooses to avoid spending time with each other, if they are dismissive of one another and don’t protect each other, if they don’t seek the best for each other, nurturing each other’s strengths and shoring up each other’s weaknesses, they may have a toxic relationship.

Relationships are meant to be places of safety, but if they are instead places where physical or verbal violence occurs, they have become toxic. Similarly, if one or both of you tiptoe around each other and are unable to be honest and vulnerable because you fear reprisals or emotional outbursts, that’s also a concern.

How you over-rely on one another Interdependence is healthy in relationships. There needs to be give and take in the relationship, as well as the sharing of burdens. It becomes problematic if you derive your sense of self from each other, and you become defined by being over-reliant on your partner to rescue you or rescuing them.

Lack of trust Relationships thrive on trust to function. Without trust, emotional and physical intimacy is hindered, and communication breaks down. If there is constant suspicion, false accusations, or any avoidant or needy behaviors, that could point to a lack of trust in the relationship, and to a toxic relationship.

These and other behaviors can mark a relationship as toxic. When a relationship is toxic, it can affect you by increasing the amount of stress you’re under, it can lead to anxiety and depression, and it can place you in danger of emotional and physical harm. In other words, a toxic relationship can significantly affect your overall well-being.

How do relationships become toxic?

Sometimes, relationships begin with a toxic dynamic already in place. This can happen in a variety of ways, including the possibility that your upbringing shapes much of how you conduct your relationships. If, for instance, you grew up with parents who were perfectionistic, neglectful, controlling, abusive, or overprotective, those things can impact your growth and ability to function well in relationships with others.

The origins of a toxic relationship can be difficult to excavate and understand fully. Many different factors can contribute to a relationship becoming toxic, including idealizing your partner and entering into a relationship with unrealistic expectations. Such expectations can only lead to disappointment and deep frustration when reality hits home, and your partner isn’t what you want them to be.

A relationship can also become toxic based on the circumstances the couple finds themselves in and how they handle them. If a relationship is placed under strain, for example, through family or cultural expectations, social pressure, or financial stress, how the couple responds to these could be in a way that makes the relationship toxic. The couple could respond by blaming, blame-shifting, or not properly resolving the conflict.

Other contributing factors may include low self-esteem, trauma, abuse, or neglect; having poor boundaries; or having an insecure attachment style. These factors can lead to a toxic relationship, and they increase the possibility of entering and remaining in a toxic relationship. You may be more vulnerable to toxic relationships because of these experiences and traits.

As you begin relationships, it’s important to note a few things. The feelings of intense attraction and chemistry that often accompany the early stages of a relationship can blind you to glaring red flags and warning signs of a toxic relationship. At this stage, you may be infatuated, idealizing the other person and minimizing or overlooking their faults. Pay close attention, as the relationship may evolve, and toxic patterns can emerge with time.

There are some common early warning signs of a potentially toxic relationship. You should keep an eye out for these. They include things such as a disregard and disrespect for your boundaries; control, manipulation, or gaslighting; possessiveness and intense jealousy; being inconsistent or emotionally unavailable; being contemptuous of others, as well as putting down or disparaging them.

In other words, if there is a lack of love toward others and you, that could be the early signs of a toxic dynamic that may be unleashed in your relationship. Know these potential warning signs and step aside before things get serious.

How to Fix a Toxic Relationship

A toxic relationship can be detrimental to the well-being of everyone it comes into contact with. Is there a way to fix a toxic relationship? The first thing to remember is that it’s important to be aware of yourself and the ways you can contribute to or excuse a toxic dynamic in a relationship. In a given relationship, there are ways in which both parties can contribute to the toxic dynamic in the relationship.

Self-awareness of the ways in which we can enable toxic behaviors or perpetrate them is a first step. That, however, needs to be coupled with a willingness to change yourself and the relationship. You can’t change the other person, but you can work on yourself. You can’t control what your partner does, and you shouldn’t try. You need to be willing to do the work that’s needed to change how you are in relationships.

A toxic relationship can be fixed only if both parties can see the problems in the relationship, acknowledge their individual and collective part in it, and do the work of turning things around. One partner or spouse cannot do the lifting that’s required by both of them to make a difference. Sometimes one spouse starts the journey toward healing on their own, and then later the other spouse or partner chooses to join them on the journey.

There are instances in which the relationship is so toxic that it becomes a threat to life and limbs. Reach out and talk to trusted loved ones, a professional such as a counselor, or connect to a hotline that deals with issues of abuse. It may be necessary to remove yourself safely from the situation, and you can receive help to create a plan and do just that, even if it’s only for a season, until the other partner sorts themselves out.

A couple can seek help from a couples counselor to help them work through their toxic traits and habits. With counseling, a couple can identify the toxic patterns of behavior and come to recognize how it affects them as individuals and as a couple. The couple can learn to nurture trust, effective communication, and conflict resolution skills, helping them to build intimacy and a healthy relationship. Reach out for help to bring healing to your relationship.

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10 Things You Do Without Realizing They’re Signs of Repressed Anger

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We all get mad sometimes, but instead of dealing with it, most of us think that we can shove it down and pretend it’s not there. However, just because you ignore anger or don’t let it out, it doesn’t mean it just goes away. It has a way of seeping into your everyday life in ways you don’t even notice. The way you shop online, watch Netflix, or the jokes you tell? Yeah, those might all be small signs of repressed anger.

Instead of facing our emotions, we distract ourselves with social media, work, or endless scrolling. But anger isn’t just an annoying emotion, it can be useful. It’s your brain’s way of saying something isn’t right. If you keep ignoring it, that frustration festers, messing with your mood, health, and even relationships.

10 Signs of Repressed Anger in Everyday Life

Procrastinating like a pro

Have you ever found yourself endlessly scrolling TikTok instead of doing something important? Putting things off can be your brain’s way of avoiding deeper frustrations. If you’re constantly delaying tasks, ask yourself: What am I avoiding?

Chasing endless perfection

If you’re always trying to get everything just right, it might not just be about standards, but it could be a way of controlling something when other areas of your life feel out of control. Deep down, that frustration could be anger you haven’t let out.

Mindless eating (or not eating at all)

Have you ever demolished a whole bag of chips without realizing it? Or suddenly lost your appetite even though you haven’t eaten all day? Your eating habits might be a coping mechanism for unprocessed emotions, including anger.

Throwing shade, even casually

Sarcasm, side-eye, and those half-joking comments are all classic ways repressed anger sneaks out. If you constantly throw out little jabs or send passive-aggressive texts, your anger is leaking out in subtle ways.

Keeping yourself overworked

Being too busy all the time can be your own socially acceptable way to avoid dealing with things. If your calendar is packed but you feel emotionally drained, you might be distracting yourself from things you don’t want to face.

Getting sick all the time

Stress and bottled-up anger can mess with your body. Frequent headaches, stomachaches, or just feeling off might be your body’s way of saying, “Hey, something’s not right here.”

Tossing and turning at night

If you lie in bed overthinking every little thing, unable to switch off, it could be because your mind is dealing with unresolved anger. Your brain doesn’t just turn off emotions because it’s bedtime.

Impulse buying online

Do you sometimes go on a shopping spree just because you have had a bad day? Retail therapy might make you feel better temporarily, but if it’s a habit, it could be covering up deeper frustrations.

Losing interest in things you used to love

When repressed emotions build up, they can suck the joy out of things that used to make you happy. If your favorite hobbies suddenly feel like a chore, it might be time to check in with yourself.

Your room (or life) feels like a mess

A cluttered space can reflect how cluttered your mind is. If you’ve been avoiding cleaning, organizing, or you feel like things are chaotic, it might be a sign that your emotions need some attention, too.

Christian Anger Management Therapy in Newport Beach, California

Anger itself isn’t necessarily bad, but it needs to be understood and expressed in the right way. Knowing these reactions aren’t good for you, it’s a way to deal with emotions.

  • Talk about it and vent to a friend, or even just write it out in a journal. Getting emotions out helps you process them.
  • Move your body with exercise to release built-up tension and frustration.
  • Set boundaries if certain people or situations are always frustrating you and reassess how you handle them.

If you’re struggling to work through such emotions on your own, talking to a professional Christian counselor in Newport Beach, California also helps. You can start by calling our office at Newport Beach Christian Counseling or filling out an online contact form to schedule a meeting with one of the anger management therapists in Newport Beach today.

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“White Flowers”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

How to Recognize Codependency and Narcissism in Your Friendships

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Recognizing codependency and narcissism in your friendships may not seem relatable, but it’s worth reflecting on as you interact with friends of varying degrees. You will have a variety of friendships in your lifetime: co-workers, book club friends, workout buddies, lifelong friends, and casual friends who share a specific season of life. Knowing whether or not your friend is codependent and how that impacts narcissistic tendencies can help you and them.

What is narcissism?

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition, says that narcissism can be adjacent to a mental health disorder known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). However, narcissistic tendencies don’t necessarily qualify a person as having NPD.

Unfortunately, both terms (narcissism and codependency) have undergone a platform mutation in recent years to their detriment because of social media, public overuse, and misunderstanding. Narcissism itself isn’t evil or all bad. It often stems from poor self-esteem and exemplifies someone who is hurting.

While NPD shows a pervasive pattern of at least five out of nine diagnostic traits and usually starts becoming more consistent in young adulthood, having some narcissistic traits does not necessarily mean you or a friend has NPD. If a person has true NPD, they meet at least five of the following nine criteria in all areas of their life, not just in one or two areas or environments.

  1. They think of themselves as more important than others.
  2. They imagine they’re deserving of or will automatically inherit certain rewards or achievements, even if there isn’t evidence to indicate such.
  3. They believe they are special or operate on a “different playing field” of sorts. More than seeing themselves as self-important (as in No. 1), this tendency is to see others through a lens of haughtiness.
  4. They need a high degree of validation from others. Think of the leader of the “mean girl” pack. She surrounds herself with “yes” girls who laud her because she needs the admiration.
  5. They have an unrealistic expectation about what others owe them or should give them. Another way to state this is a sense of entitlement.
  6. They have a tendency toward – and establish a pattern of this behavior – exploiting others for their own gain and/or manipulating others to get what they want or to get out of doing something they don’t want to do.
  7. They’re unwilling to listen to or try to empathize with someone else’s perspective or emotional needs.
  8. Envy is frequent, and it can be their envy of others or their misconception that others are envious of them.
  9. They struggle with arrogance in multiple arenas of life.

What is codependency?

Unlike narcissism, codependency is not a disorder recognized by the DSM-5. It’s a behavioral pattern that was first used in the 1970s, made more universal in the 1980s when a book, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie was used to help those struggling with substance use disorder (SUD). Typically, a person with codependent behavioral patterns will often mask the consequences of another person’s behavior.

The person doing the masking may believe they’re protecting their loved one from negative consequences or hardship. What often happens, however, is an unhealthy attachment that requires a level of maintenance that can’t be sustained over time. It can create fractured relationships due to unclear boundaries.

Similar to narcissism, the term codependent has developed a negative reputation when, in fact, it’s simply a pattern of relating that can be unlearned when a person forms healthy attachments. Some markers of codependency include the following:

  • Refusing to do things or go places unless the other person also wants to do them or go with you.
  • Excusing a friend’s poor behavior (repeatedly) when it’s been hurtful to you.
  • Feeling guilty when you take time out for yourself instead of serving your friend’s or loved one’s needs.
  • Apologizing without working toward reconciliation, even if the fault isn’t yours, just to avoid conflict.
  • Doing more than your share when your friend could also contribute. An example might be agreeing to go on a trip together, but you do all the planning, pay for the trip, and drive, while your friend simply adds a few recommendations.
  • Feeling alone or like your friend doesn’t ask curious questions about your life often, yet you don’t mention it for fear of losing your friendship or not pleasing her.

How Codependency and Narcissism Arise from Similar Struggles

On the surface, it appears that codependent people struggle with low self-esteem and, therefore, may not assert themselves or their own opinions. This is not an accurate portrayal of a codependent-tending person. Just as a narcissistic person does not always think of themselves as better than others or isn’t always toxic and full of drama. However, the two can share similar roots.

When a person is codependent, they tend to learn those patterns of behavior from a parent or caregiver who did not give them the attention they needed as a child, or they were incapable of functioning as a healthy emotional adult. Either way, the person learned to cope by letting personal boundaries go by the wayside.

One example of this is when a person grows up and makes a friend at work. He had an alcoholic mother who often asked him to hide her receipts for wine from his dad so he wouldn’t know how much she was drinking.

As a young teen, he thought he was creating a more peaceful home life by saving the relational tension between his mom and dad. In reality, it was edging him toward an inability to develop healthy boundaries, recognizing it was not his job to save his mom from the consequences of her destructive behavior.

Then, in the friendship this adult man has with a co-worker, he isn’t able to see that the co-worker is taking advantage of their friendship by asking him to take the fall whenever he fails to prepare for a work presentation or wants to get by with leaving the office early. He asks his friend to cover for him by saying he had a doctor’s appointment, and this sets up a continual pattern of learned behavior and lack of boundaries.

Narcissistic personality tendencies can also be rooted in a struggle with boundaries. If as a young teen, someone struggles to see their worth and value, it’s usually referred to as low self-esteem. Rather than recognizing this and looking for healthy ways to develop confidence, a teenager may make fun of others to make herself feel better.

This kind of behavior – unchecked – can lead to dangerous adult relationships. She may use a grandiose view of herself to mask her low self-value and expect others to see her self-importance in the same light.

What to Do If You Recognize Codependency and Narcissism in Yourself or a Friend

One of the downsides of the public using terms that are clinical in nature – such as toxic, narcissistic, or codependent – is that they can take on inaccurate meanings. A good way to respond if you think you or your friend exhibits some traits of codependency or narcissism is to be curious, gentle, and compassionate.

While it doesn’t mean you have to let your friend override your personal boundaries, you can ask compassionate questions if she says something like, “I can’t go through the line without you. I’m too scared.”

An appropriate, boundary-setting response might be, “I’m enjoying my lunch while it’s hot, so I am going to stay here. But I wonder why it’s hard for you to go alone. Is there someone at the head of the line who makes you nervous?” This lets her know you care, but also holds a firm boundary about wanting to eat your lunch while it’s hot.

Other appropriate responses include recognizing when these qualities are present in yourself and avoiding self-blame or negative self-thoughts. Instead, you can reflect on an appropriate next step.

It might be looking for a counselor who can help you examine where your learned behaviors come from and what kind of solutions are available to help you overcome them. To find a compassionate, trauma-informed counselor, our offices are ready to help with your inquiries when you are comfortable reaching out.

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“Sitting on the Mountaintop”, Courtesy of Matheus Ferrero, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Talk to the Hand”, Courtesy of Obie Fernandez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Polite Signs”, Courtesy of mark tulin, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Boundary Line”, Courtesy of Erin Larson, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Infidelity in Your 50s: the Gray Affair

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By the time most couples are in their fifties, all of the children are grown and on their own. There are instances where some may have older children at home. The couple is approaching retirement, and they may feel like something is missing. When the dynamics of the home change, they find themselves facing relationship issues. Infidelity in marriage isn’t just something that can happen in younger couples.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. – Proverbs 3:3, NIV

Sadly, infidelity is becoming a common occurrence in older couples as they face a new dynamic in their relationship. This is causing more older couples to engage in gray affairs.

The Gray Affair

As Americans grow older, they are becoming more unsatisfied with their marriages. Older people are now engaging in affairs that often lead to divorce. With a new understanding of staying healthy, older people now find that they are more than just an older person without a purpose. Being an empty nest home also has an impact on how older couples view their lives. Many changes can affect how older couples gauge satisfaction.

Most people in the older couple age range are the Baby Boomers. This generation grew up with the notion that marriages had to last for the children. When the children are no longer in the equation, Baby Boomers find themselves trying to understand a new purpose.

Factors Associated with Gray Affairs

The question remains: Why is infidelity in marriage increasing in older couples? While there are many possibilities, some common explanations include the following:

Empty nest syndrome When children leave home, it can create a big shift in the dynamics of the household. This can cause couples to feel they no longer have anything in common.

Health problems Couples faced with chronic health conditions find they cannot cope with the issues. This can cause them to seek companionship elsewhere, leading to infidelity.

Change in expectations As people age, their expectations and priorities tend to change. People begin to look at how the relationship impacts their joy and fulfillment.

Growing apart When people grow older, their needs and interests change. Sometimes these changes are a factor in whether or not a couple stays close.

Does Christian counseling help with infidelity?

No matter what age the couple is, Christian marriage counseling can have a positive impact on the next step after infidelity in marriage. Just as with younger couples, there are many benefits of Christian marriage counseling for older couples who face infidelity. Consider a few of the ways Christian counseling can help a struggling marriage.

Managing financial changes The effect of retirement can impact a household’s finances. Counseling can help with understanding how to navigate these issues with better communication.

Handling grief and loss Older couples have experienced more grief and loss of family and friends. This can have an impact on how they see their future. Counseling can help them realign their focus on staying together and enjoying life as older adults.

Creating strategies to cope with changes Counseling can help the older couple develop strategies that will remove the anxiety and stress of changes due to aging.

Restoring emotional connections Older couples find themselves trying to connect emotionally after raising a family. Counseling can help address these issues that cause a chasm in the emotional aspect of the relationship.

Creating new communication skills Older couples’ communication changes over the years of raising a family. Now they have more time to sit and talk about things other than kids, schedules, and household planning. Counseling can help them have conversations that revolve around new expectations and interests.

Developing intimacy Intimacy in older couples involves rediscovering who the other person has become after raising kids and having a career. Counseling can help develop an understanding of what each person desires and how to reach mutual satisfaction.

How to Heal from Infidelity in Your Fifties

Regardless of how old a person is when they experience infidelity in marriage, they will face many emotions. It is vital to develop healing strategies to overcome the hurt in a healthy manner.

Some of the important things to remember are:

  • Don’t accept the blame for the situation alone. The person choosing to be unfaithful has responsibility in this situation.
  • It’s okay to have the feelings and emotions that will come with the hurt of infidelity. These are common and natural, but they don’t dictate what life should be like after unfaithfulness.
  • Keep thoughts away from trying to understand why or where the signs were missed. It doesn’t help to focus on what is unknown. Think positive and whole thoughts based on what Scripture says about God and His love for you.
  • Be sure to maintain self-care as healing begins. Just because your spouse was unfaithful doesn’t mean you are less than who you were. Your self is not connected to their choices. Choosing to continue with your healthy lifestyle will help in the healing process.
  • It’s okay to consider what you want concerning the situation. Infidelity doesn’t have to lead to divorce any more than it has to lead to restoration. Take time to consider the factors that make either option important to you.
  • If you feel like Christian counseling can help, connect with your local counseling service to make an appointment.

Christian Counseling for Infidelity in Newport Beach

Infidelity in marriage in couples over fifty is not as uncommon as one might think. The reasons are just as diverse for older couples as for younger couples. The choice to restore the marriage or get a divorce is something that each couple must discuss and choose for themselves. A Christian counselor in Newport Beach, California can help navigate the issues of infidelity in your marriage. Contact us at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to learn how a counselor can help.

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7 Important Professional Boundaries to Set in the Workplace

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Professional boundaries are essential for maintaining your mental health, avoiding burnout, and staying motivated. You exude an air of confidence and professionalism when you maintain clear boundaries. But setting boundaries can be difficult if you’ve never done it before.

7 Professional Boundaries You Need in the Workplace

Sticking to your professional boundaries will enable you to enjoy your job and not feel like a victim. There will be those who refuse to acknowledge boundaries. Your company’s HR team may be willing to address these issues.

Check the company handbook for the company’s stance on the following professional boundaries.

Respect

Respect yourself by being honest and refraining from gossiping about others. Refuse to participate in gossip or pranks on others, as that can lead to harassment in the workplace. Inappropriate comments are never okay. Respect others’ time and ask that they respect yours. Take care of other people’s belongings.

Depending on your workplace, you may need to secure your belongings in a locker or desk drawer. Never steal from others, including the company. If you suspect someone of stealing from you or disrespecting your property, report it to a supervisor.

Physical Boundaries

No touching or invading someone’s personal space. You may need to address this with people who have no physical boundaries. They may be harmless, but a simple comment about you not liking people in your personal space should set the boundary. Inappropriate touching in the workplace should never occur and should be reported immediately.

Most companies outline sexual harassment in their employee handbooks and provide procedures for reporting to HR. Do not tolerate this type of behavior. Be assertive in your physical boundaries from the start.

Work Expectations

The company should clearly outline work expectations. Define projects and tasks so that others know what to do. If you are unsure, ask a project manager or supervisor. Express your work expectations to those you work with.

For some people, a job is simply a means to earn a paycheck and a place to spend eight hours a day. They may treat work as an extension of high school. If that is the case, you may need to take the initiative to explain what is expected from the company and you. Stay professional and calm.

Speaking Up

Blending in like a wallflower might work for some, but this can only set you up for future stress and anxiety in a professional setting. You must learn how to communicate any problems or concerns. Voicing your ideas can help you grow in your career and your confidence.

However, if you allow others to steal your voice by staying silent due to fear of rejection or ridicule, you won’t grow outside of your comfort zone. This is also an excellent opportunity to respect yourself and demand the same from others.

Realistic Time Frames for Projects

Avoid overwhelming yourself by defining realistic time frames for projects. If your boss assigns an unmanageable workload, discuss it with them. Avoid turning to office gossip; instead, go straight to the source. By addressing your boss directly, you earn respect from the top.

Although you set boundaries, be flexible when it comes to workload and time constraints. Be willing to collaborate with others to achieve a productive outcome.

Conflict Management

Conflict resolution should be openly discussed at any job. There should be policies and procedures in place. Aside from these, you should possess conflict resolution and anger management skills to defuse situations before they escalate.

If your company does not offer conflict management training, consider seeking help from a counselor. You can acquire the necessary skills to negotiate effectively and make fair assessments, thereby becoming a peacemaker in the workplace.

Leaving Work Behind After Hours

Respecting and loving yourself and protecting your mental health means leaving work behind after hours. Workaholics tend to be anxious and depressed. You want a life of peace. You want to enjoy your work without letting it control you.

Make it your goal to leave your work at work and concentrate on your family and the life you lead outside of your job. Even if it’s your career, you must establish boundaries to avoid burnout.

Avoid burnout with Christian counseling for professional development

You can avoid workplace burnout by setting professional boundaries. Even if your company does not address these, you can speak to your supervisor and colleagues about your boundaries and expectations. People will respect you when you demand respect from them. Setting professional boundaries demonstrates that you are serious about your job and committed to fulfilling the company’s mission.

If you need help setting professional boundaries, contact us today at Newport Beach Christian Counseling in California to speak to a Christian counselor in Newport Beach about your professional development. You can grow in your career by learning a few strategies and skills that will serve you for years to come.

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How to Manage Depression in a Relationship

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Depression takes its toll on a relationship. If your significant other suffers from depression, you may be no stranger to emotional distance, withdrawal, decreased libido, and mood swings. But depression is a mental condition and should be treated by a mental health professional, such as a Christian counselor in Newport Beach, California. There are things you can do to help your spouse and manage depression in a relationship.

Tips to Manage Depression in a Relationship

You can help manage depression in a relationship, but you will also want the help of a counselor to provide strategies and evidence-based methods. Remember, as you work with your spouse, that managing depression symptoms can take time, patience, and lifestyle changes.

Seek treatment together

Although it may be tempting to have your significant other attend counseling sessions on their own, and at times they must do so, consider attending couples counseling. The same counselor can preside over both. Through these sessions, you can learn how best to support your loved one while expressing how their depression affects you and the relationship. The counselor can also help establish boundaries and expectations within the relationship.

Keep communication open

Learn how to express your needs and wants and actively listen to your partner’s struggles. Depression is a mental condition, and they may not understand why they feel the way they do or how to manage the symptoms. Become a safe space for your loved one to confide, vent, and cry out to. Keep what they say confidential, even when they make you angry.

Do things together

Withdrawal and emotional unavailability are signs of depression in a relationship. Counteract this by including your partner in outings, movies, and discussions. Pay attention to when they seem to be drawing into themselves and away from the family. Everyone needs some alone time, but depression takes it to the extreme.

Taking your significant other’s personality into consideration, plan for romantic dates once a week or every other week. Plan inexpensive day trips to get away from family and home and bond with them.

Be supportive

Being supportive isn’t just listening to your partner. Being supportive also includes helping them to make healthy lifestyle choices to manage depression symptoms. For example, ultra-processed foods, alcohol, and drug use can exacerbate depression symptoms.

Help your loved one by offering to cook healthy dinners together, pack lunches, and get help for substance abuse. Some changes you may want to make together, such as limiting alcohol to one glass of wine a week.

Encourage exercise

Exercise promotes the release of feel-good hormones like serotonin and dopamine and decreases the stress hormone cortisol, which contributes to depression and anxiety. For a healthy body and mind, aim for 150 to 300 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise per week.

Speak to your family physician before starting any new exercise program. Once cleared, choose an activity you can do together. Maybe you lift weights at home, travel to the gym together, or jog in the park on the weekends. Find activities that you both enjoy and get excited about, and track your progress rather than focusing on the end goals.

Help create routines

Depression keeps people stuck. They lose motivation to do even the simplest tasks or activities they once enjoyed. Instilling a routine allows the person to operate on autopilot. The task gets accomplished, and the person can feel a sense of achievement.

For example, maybe have your loved one make the bed when they get dressed. Making the bed is a small task that many people overlook. However, when they make the bed, suddenly, the entire bedroom looks nicer, and they can check the task off their list. When they come home in the evening, they are greeted by a nice-looking and cozy bed. Try to keep routines short initially.

Take care of yourself

Don’t neglect your health during this time. Keep appointments, maintain personal hygiene, cultivate a positive mindset, and rely on God in this season. This, too, shall pass. God knows how challenging depression in a relationship can be. Call out to Him and ask Him to take control of the situation. Keep a watchful eye on your own physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

Christian Counseling for Depression in Newport Beach

Couples counseling in Newport Beach, California provides help for depression in a relationship. You can learn strategies to lessen the symptoms of depression and to rebuild the relationship. You will learn how to work together without compromising boundaries and reconnect emotionally and physically.

Contact our office today at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to schedule a session with a couples counselor in Newport Beach, California to discuss how psychological methods can help with depression in a relationship.

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Is This Social Anxiety Disorder or My Personality?

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You might experience a quickening heart rate, feel sick to your stomach, or be dizzy. These are physiological symptoms that could come and go over weeks, months, or even years. How do you know if these  –  combined with your fears of meeting new people  –  are symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder or simply your personality?

Recognizing when symptoms may be related to Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) is complex, and not something you should try to ascertain on your own. However, learning about SAD can help you determine your next right step.

What is social anxiety disorder?

Social Anxiety Disorder may be something that you or a loved one has and doesn’t understand. It’s a mental health disorder related to other anxiety disorders.

If you are afraid of joining new groups, meeting new people, or appearing on a stage of any kind, you may have Social Anxiety Disorder. But did you know that even some fear of everyday tasks, such as purchasing a product from a checkout clerk or at a kiosk, making a phone call, or raising your hand in class, can also be signals of Social Anxiety Disorder?

SAD impacts an estimated 7-10% of people in the world, and it often begins in childhood or adolescence. When a person is afraid to join people, groups, or get up in front of others, it may be because of SAD. People with SAD worry about being rejected, criticized, or judged for something they do or say.

Social Anxiety Disorder Symptoms

Symptoms of SAD may seem small at first. You don’t want to participate in group projects at school because you don’t want to be the nominated speaker. Your fear of reading aloud isn’t related to your inability to read; it’s because you don’t want your voice to be judged by classmates.

These symptoms can continue and increase throughout a person’s life. They can range from small to large, come and go depending on the situation, and vary in intensity from mild to severe.

A person with SAD may avoid public speaking, or they may avoid anything where they are asked to address someone they don’t know. This can severely disrupt their life, making it hard to find a career, learn in a traditional school setting, or accomplish basic tasks like purchasing groceries from the supermarket.

How to Tell If You Are Simply Shy

Sometimes, the symptoms of SAD are mild, so they’re chalked up to shyness. This can disturb a young person’s self-esteem because they may perceive that there is something deeply wrong with who they are.

Unfortunately, if your social anxiety disorder is mild, meaning you experience the same symptoms for at least six months, it may be that shyness is hard to distinguish. However, if your symptoms are manageable and they don’t disrupt your everyday life, you are likely someone whom others would characterize as shy.

The tendencies you struggle with can be overcome. Still, it is important to note, your propensity toward shyness doesn’t mean you are any less valuable as a person, though.

Research suggests that shyness isn’t something we’re born with. A sense of self begins to develop around the age of one and a half years old. Consider if you were born with a more sensitive temperament and the caregivers in your life were not understanding of that temperament.

This may have led you to develop lower self-esteem, feel unworthy of love, or believe that the only way to exist successfully in the world around you was to be loud and outgoing.

Sadly, these unhelpful messages are common among people who are shy and among people who have SAD. It’s essential to know that your fears, which contribute to both shyness and social anxiety disorder, stem from real emotions that need to be taken seriously and dealt with gently.

In general, if your symptoms persist for longer than a few weeks (typically, at least six months) and if they’re disrupting your everyday life routines and activities, we recommend consulting a counselor.

Being introverted may increase the likelihood that you will develop SAD, but it doesn’t have to. Psychologists encourage evaluations for anyone who perceives he or she may have SAD because of comorbidities that may be contributing factors, such as generalized anxiety or depression.

Social Anxiety Disorder Treatments

While a person with Social Anxiety Disorder is less likely to seek treatment, due to fear of being judged, it’s essential for a person’s healing. If what you perceive as your shyness persists over time and interrupts your daily life, you can’t discern if you have SAD without a psychotherapy evaluation.

Seeing a counselor in person or online can bring you peace of mind and mark the beginning of a full, varied life. Missing out on friendships, career opportunities, or trying new hobbies are all consistent consequences of someone’s fear getting in the way of their everyday life choices.

Several treatments show promise for social anxiety disorder. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is used to treat multiple mental health issues, and studies show its effectiveness is long-lasting. With CBT, someone with SAD may learn new ways to think about themselves and the world they’re afraid to engage with.

A standard CBT method for social anxiety disorder may help the person understand that some of his or her perceived judgments aren’t there. It can help him or her focus less on self and more on the genuine good found in others. CBT helps people learn new behaviors and beliefs, which impact how they view themselves and how they perceive others’ views of themselves.

Another treatment for SAD is exposure therapy, where a counselor helps someone progressively address and face what they’re afraid of. For example, consider someone with SAD who is particularly afraid of raising their hand (or being called on) in class. Exposure therapy would encourage tiny steps toward class participation. Over time, these small steps add up to overcoming the fear of that specific situation.

Another treatment that has proven helpful for people who have social anxiety disorder is acceptance and commitment therapy. This therapy, also known as ACT, focuses on the gentle acceptance of fearful thoughts so that they can be invited, acknowledged, and hopefully, overcome through small attempts to engage in anxiety-reducing behavior. Mindfulness practices are one example of how a person can grow to address their fear without letting it take hold.

How to Help a Friend or Loved One with Social Anxiety Disorder

Learning to see the real struggle behind a person’s disorder is paramount to accepting and loving them as they are. When we minimize or try to quickly dismiss a person’s fear, it communicates that they’re blowing things out of proportion or fearful for no reason. These behaviors and attitudes only confirm their belief that they are not enough or that their presence doesn’t matter.

Instead, remind yourself that SAD is a mental health condition, not a simple refusal to be part of what you may perceive as fun. It’s a condition that can be overcome, but it takes patience and taking small steps over time when someone is ready.

Other helpful practices to help you show respect for someone with SAD include:

Listen first You might think you understand or have a story about a time when you faced a fear. Try not to share it. Instead, ask questions with compassion and curiosity to show that you care and are genuinely interested in listening.

Encourage second If your loved one expresses a desire to overcome their fears, start with understanding. There aren’t any quick and easy ways to wholeness when it comes to mental health disorders.

Collaborate third When your loved one decides he or she wants to work on the anxiety that’s held them back, ask if they’d like help to find a professional counselor or a CBT group that can give them resources and support. If they decline, that’s okay; ask what you can do to make them feel like you’re in their corner.

Don’t judge We’ve all had struggles in our lives, and mental health is no different than one of your challenges. Maybe you struggle to maintain a healthy fitness and eating routine, or maybe your spending habits need attention.

Try to remember that, unlike a simple tweak to a routine, a mental health condition needs specific, targeted therapy and can’t be unlearned by following someone on social media or making a lifestyle change. Judgments have no place in mental health.

When your loved one is ready, share the resources that you’ve seen – such as this article – that could lead to the discovery of a counselor who knows how to treat social anxiety disorder with patience and compassion. For more help and tools, contact our office today.

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