Traits of a Highly Sensitive Child and How to Care for Them

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Children often experience big emotions, and it is typically normal. Some children, however, feel they live in a state of extreme emotion all the time and are more easily triggered by their environment. When this happens, you may find yourself wondering if your child’s reactions are normal or if you have a highly sensitive child.

Help! I have a highly sensitive child

A highly sensitive child is a child who processes and reacts more deeply to their experiences than other children do. They are inherently wired like that. Highly sensitive children are often known to be feisty and fierce, passionate and persistent, insightful and empathetic, intuitive and intense, and they are constantly living in extremes. They’re known to be either ecstatic or enraged.

Highly sensitive children are sensitive to their environment, experiences, relationships, and expectations. They are amazing children, but because they react in bigger ways than most, they are prone to frustration, power struggles, and perfectionism. This is because they find it more challenging to adapt to the limits and expectations they encounter in their daily lives.

The intensity of highly sensitive children can be exhausting for their parents or caregivers. It can be hard to understand your highly sensitive child in all their complexity, and they are often misunderstood because there seems to be no middle ground with them. The better you can understand them, the more you can learn how to provide the sensitive and responsive care that they need to thrive.

3 Key Traits of Highly Sensitive Children

Some of the more prominent traits of a highly sensitive child include the following:

Highly sensitive children are more sensitive to the world around them

Highly sensitive children experience their emotions in extremes. This is because they feel much more deeply than most. They are often compared to orchids: high-maintenance plants that react to the smallest changes in environment. They are more vulnerable to changes in their environment and may seem to react irrationally as a result.

In addition to their extreme emotions, they are also sensitive to the environment they are in, and their brains never seem to shut down. They are known as processors as they tend to focus on and analyze even minute details. While this makes them extremely insightful and empathetic, because they seem to lack an internal filter, they are also more easily overwhelmed, absorbing more than they can handle.

They also tend to be more self-aware and perceptive than most. They question things others might take for granted and can articulate their motivations for things they did or said even better than some adults. They can understand their own struggles. They also tend to have great insight into how others feel and can pick up on subtle changes in tone.

Highly sensitive children have big reactions to the world around them

Your highly sensitive child will have bigger reactions than most to sensory input, even to seemingly small things. They are more sensitive to sensory input and experience sights, sounds, textures, and smells more intensely. They may avoid things like foods with particular smells, flavors, or textures, certain kinds of clothing, public restrooms with noisy hand dryers, or get upset when something doesn’t look like they expect.

A highly sensitive child is more prone to meltdowns because they are more quickly triggered to experience stress. When they feel overwhelmed by the constant onslaught of sensations that they can’t manage effectively, it can result in intense emotional reactions.

A highly sensitive child will be more apprehensive about new people or places. Their minds turn over all the details in a new situation, whether it’s a new classroom, activity, birthday party, or family gathering. They will try to anticipate what they might expect, wondering what might happen and whether they will be liked, feel safe, or be good at the activity.

Their deep thinking and constant analysis are an attempt to prepare for the unknown. While this makes them come across as bright and insightful, it can also be overwhelming for them. This results in the child resisting new things and clinging to what is familiar and comfortable. They may struggle separating from their parents or adapting to being left alone at school or sports.

A highly sensitive child also tends to get frustrated more easily. While everyone experiences a certain amount of natural discomfort when confronting something new or challenging, a highly sensitive child will find it intolerable. Because they experience more distress in those situations, they may give up more easily when they experience a challenging task.

They also tend to be preoccupied with how others see them, even if parents or other adults say complimentary things about them. They are so sensitive to feeling scrutinized or assessed that they even feel uncomfortable receiving praise, as they perceive the pressure of being evaluated.

They may also be inclined to misinterpret others’ actions, taking what others say and do more personally than it was intended. It may seem like a highly sensitive child filters their experiences through a victim mindset. This can make navigating relationships with siblings and peers more challenging.

Highly Sensitive Children try to control the world around them

Because of their sensitivity to their environment, a highly sensitive child will live in a state of high alert and will feel a greater need for control in those situations where they feel uncomfortable. They will try to prepare for and protect themselves from the next big emotion, event, or experience that could be overwhelming.

They will attempt to gain control of a situation by being rigid and inflexible about details like where to sit and which plate to use. The more out of control they feel on the inside, the more controlling they may be on the outside. Even their constant analysis of event details is part of this desire to feel in control of their world and what to expect in any situation.

A highly sensitive child is more likely to struggle with perfectionism because when they can’t complete a task in the way their brain is telling them it should be, they feel a loss of control. They are triggered to feel shame, and this results in them quickly feeling like a failure. They experience failure as a personal failing they are judged for, instead of as part of the learning process.

Perfectionism and difficulty losing go hand in hand. This makes competitive activities especially stressful for the highly sensitive child. A highly sensitive child is more likely to try to manipulate the game in their favor so that they can win to protect themselves from the shame of losing. Alternatively, they may get angry and quit if the result isn’t going their way.

This also means that a highly sensitive child will have a hard time accepting correction. Even seemingly harmless directions can be perceived as personal judgments instead of helpful guidance.

Any perceived shame they experience can trigger reactions like laughing, looking away, anger, or even running away. Evasive responses are all coping mechanisms to provide protection and relief from the flood of difficult emotions.

How to Care for Your Highly Sensitive Child

A child with a sensitive temperament can’t outgrow who they are. They can learn how to manage their emotions and cope with the more challenging aspects of their sensitivity. A big part of helping them is managing your expectations and approaching their meltdowns with patience and compassion.

When your sensitive child reacts to something, don’t take things they say and do personally. The fact that they are lashing out is a sign that they are struggling to cope with something. Don’t minimize their emotions. Instead, try to remain calm and not be reactive yourself. Stay present while providing space for your child to feel what they’re feeling.

Don’t try to problem-solve in the middle of the meltdown, but rather wait until they are calm before offering help. If they permit you to share some ideas that you have of ways to handle a situation, they will feel more in control and be more receptive to what you have to say. Sharing your thoughts, guidance, and personal experiences in this manner can help them better understand and adapt to the world around them.

Not all highly sensitive children will have all of these traits, and many who aren’t highly sensitive may struggle to some degree with some of these. But because of their sensitivity, these children may be more likely to struggle with anxiety or mental health challenges. If this sensitivity is affecting their ability to function well at home or at school, or interfering with their relationships, they can benefit from professional help such as Christian counseling.

Connect with a counselor near you or through this website to learn more about working with myself.

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“Crying Boy”, Courtesy of Vika Glitter, Pexels.com, CC0 License

4 Signs of a Toxic Relationship and How to Fix It

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Finding and being in a healthy relationship can be as exciting and as rewarding as finding a cleverly hidden geocache; it’s an amazing experience that takes a lot of work to accomplish.

Great relationships do take a lot of work because there are many things that can derail important aspects of a relationship, such as communication. There are many skills necessary to handle the challenges that beset relationships successfully.

As social and relational creatures, we are hardwired for relationships. Your relationships have a profound effect on who you are and who you become as a person. If you’re in a toxic relationship, remedying the situation as quickly as possible is the best move you can make for your well-being.

Indicators of a Toxic Relationship

A toxic relationship can pass and look like a normal relationship. However, on closer inspection, certain patterns, habits, and dynamics in the relationship are decidedly unhealthy and damage both parties. A toxic relationship has certain features that distinguish it from a healthy one. Some of the signs of a toxic relationship include the following:

The way you talk to each other Communication is the lifeblood of a relationship because that is how a couple shares their ideas, thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears, desires, expectations, disagreements, and more. Communication can be unhealthy if it’s steeped in anger, if you don’t listen to each other, if there’s constant criticism and too little encouragement, or if it builds up.

If a couple is constantly engaged in conflict, and they engage in conflict by casting aspersions toward one another, or they stonewall and become unresponsive to each other’s needs, those could also point to a toxic relationship.

The way you treat each other If a couple doesn’t honor each other, that is a feature of a toxic relationship. That lack of honor may look like disrespecting boundaries, making jokes at the other person’s expense, humiliating or putting each other down, not respecting each other’s opinions, seeking to manipulate or control each other, being deceptive toward one another, and not celebrating each other.

If a couple doesn’t enjoy each other’s company or chooses to avoid spending time with each other, if they are dismissive of one another and don’t protect each other, if they don’t seek the best for each other, nurturing each other’s strengths and shoring up each other’s weaknesses, they may have a toxic relationship.

Relationships are meant to be places of safety, but if they are instead places where physical or verbal violence occurs, they have become toxic. Similarly, if one or both of you tiptoe around each other and are unable to be honest and vulnerable because you fear reprisals or emotional outbursts, that’s also a concern.

How you over-rely on one another Interdependence is healthy in relationships. There needs to be give and take in the relationship, as well as the sharing of burdens. It becomes problematic if you derive your sense of self from each other, and you become defined by being over-reliant on your partner to rescue you or rescuing them.

Lack of trust Relationships thrive on trust to function. Without trust, emotional and physical intimacy is hindered, and communication breaks down. If there is constant suspicion, false accusations, or any avoidant or needy behaviors, that could point to a lack of trust in the relationship, and to a toxic relationship.

These and other behaviors can mark a relationship as toxic. When a relationship is toxic, it can affect you by increasing the amount of stress you’re under, it can lead to anxiety and depression, and it can place you in danger of emotional and physical harm. In other words, a toxic relationship can significantly affect your overall well-being.

How do relationships become toxic?

Sometimes, relationships begin with a toxic dynamic already in place. This can happen in a variety of ways, including the possibility that your upbringing shapes much of how you conduct your relationships. If, for instance, you grew up with parents who were perfectionistic, neglectful, controlling, abusive, or overprotective, those things can impact your growth and ability to function well in relationships with others.

The origins of a toxic relationship can be difficult to excavate and understand fully. Many different factors can contribute to a relationship becoming toxic, including idealizing your partner and entering into a relationship with unrealistic expectations. Such expectations can only lead to disappointment and deep frustration when reality hits home, and your partner isn’t what you want them to be.

A relationship can also become toxic based on the circumstances the couple finds themselves in and how they handle them. If a relationship is placed under strain, for example, through family or cultural expectations, social pressure, or financial stress, how the couple responds to these could be in a way that makes the relationship toxic. The couple could respond by blaming, blame-shifting, or not properly resolving the conflict.

Other contributing factors may include low self-esteem, trauma, abuse, or neglect; having poor boundaries; or having an insecure attachment style. These factors can lead to a toxic relationship, and they increase the possibility of entering and remaining in a toxic relationship. You may be more vulnerable to toxic relationships because of these experiences and traits.

As you begin relationships, it’s important to note a few things. The feelings of intense attraction and chemistry that often accompany the early stages of a relationship can blind you to glaring red flags and warning signs of a toxic relationship. At this stage, you may be infatuated, idealizing the other person and minimizing or overlooking their faults. Pay close attention, as the relationship may evolve, and toxic patterns can emerge with time.

There are some common early warning signs of a potentially toxic relationship. You should keep an eye out for these. They include things such as a disregard and disrespect for your boundaries; control, manipulation, or gaslighting; possessiveness and intense jealousy; being inconsistent or emotionally unavailable; being contemptuous of others, as well as putting down or disparaging them.

In other words, if there is a lack of love toward others and you, that could be the early signs of a toxic dynamic that may be unleashed in your relationship. Know these potential warning signs and step aside before things get serious.

How to Fix a Toxic Relationship

A toxic relationship can be detrimental to the well-being of everyone it comes into contact with. Is there a way to fix a toxic relationship? The first thing to remember is that it’s important to be aware of yourself and the ways you can contribute to or excuse a toxic dynamic in a relationship. In a given relationship, there are ways in which both parties can contribute to the toxic dynamic in the relationship.

Self-awareness of the ways in which we can enable toxic behaviors or perpetrate them is a first step. That, however, needs to be coupled with a willingness to change yourself and the relationship. You can’t change the other person, but you can work on yourself. You can’t control what your partner does, and you shouldn’t try. You need to be willing to do the work that’s needed to change how you are in relationships.

A toxic relationship can be fixed only if both parties can see the problems in the relationship, acknowledge their individual and collective part in it, and do the work of turning things around. One partner or spouse cannot do the lifting that’s required by both of them to make a difference. Sometimes one spouse starts the journey toward healing on their own, and then later the other spouse or partner chooses to join them on the journey.

There are instances in which the relationship is so toxic that it becomes a threat to life and limbs. Reach out and talk to trusted loved ones, a professional such as a counselor, or connect to a hotline that deals with issues of abuse. It may be necessary to remove yourself safely from the situation, and you can receive help to create a plan and do just that, even if it’s only for a season, until the other partner sorts themselves out.

A couple can seek help from a couples counselor to help them work through their toxic traits and habits. With counseling, a couple can identify the toxic patterns of behavior and come to recognize how it affects them as individuals and as a couple. The couple can learn to nurture trust, effective communication, and conflict resolution skills, helping them to build intimacy and a healthy relationship. Reach out for help to bring healing to your relationship.

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10 Things You Do Without Realizing They’re Signs of Repressed Anger

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We all get mad sometimes, but instead of dealing with it, most of us think that we can shove it down and pretend it’s not there. However, just because you ignore anger or don’t let it out, it doesn’t mean it just goes away. It has a way of seeping into your everyday life in ways you don’t even notice. The way you shop online, watch Netflix, or the jokes you tell? Yeah, those might all be small signs of repressed anger.

Instead of facing our emotions, we distract ourselves with social media, work, or endless scrolling. But anger isn’t just an annoying emotion, it can be useful. It’s your brain’s way of saying something isn’t right. If you keep ignoring it, that frustration festers, messing with your mood, health, and even relationships.

10 Signs of Repressed Anger in Everyday Life

Procrastinating like a pro

Have you ever found yourself endlessly scrolling TikTok instead of doing something important? Putting things off can be your brain’s way of avoiding deeper frustrations. If you’re constantly delaying tasks, ask yourself: What am I avoiding?

Chasing endless perfection

If you’re always trying to get everything just right, it might not just be about standards, but it could be a way of controlling something when other areas of your life feel out of control. Deep down, that frustration could be anger you haven’t let out.

Mindless eating (or not eating at all)

Have you ever demolished a whole bag of chips without realizing it? Or suddenly lost your appetite even though you haven’t eaten all day? Your eating habits might be a coping mechanism for unprocessed emotions, including anger.

Throwing shade, even casually

Sarcasm, side-eye, and those half-joking comments are all classic ways repressed anger sneaks out. If you constantly throw out little jabs or send passive-aggressive texts, your anger is leaking out in subtle ways.

Keeping yourself overworked

Being too busy all the time can be your own socially acceptable way to avoid dealing with things. If your calendar is packed but you feel emotionally drained, you might be distracting yourself from things you don’t want to face.

Getting sick all the time

Stress and bottled-up anger can mess with your body. Frequent headaches, stomachaches, or just feeling off might be your body’s way of saying, “Hey, something’s not right here.”

Tossing and turning at night

If you lie in bed overthinking every little thing, unable to switch off, it could be because your mind is dealing with unresolved anger. Your brain doesn’t just turn off emotions because it’s bedtime.

Impulse buying online

Do you sometimes go on a shopping spree just because you have had a bad day? Retail therapy might make you feel better temporarily, but if it’s a habit, it could be covering up deeper frustrations.

Losing interest in things you used to love

When repressed emotions build up, they can suck the joy out of things that used to make you happy. If your favorite hobbies suddenly feel like a chore, it might be time to check in with yourself.

Your room (or life) feels like a mess

A cluttered space can reflect how cluttered your mind is. If you’ve been avoiding cleaning, organizing, or you feel like things are chaotic, it might be a sign that your emotions need some attention, too.

Christian Anger Management Therapy in Newport Beach, California

Anger itself isn’t necessarily bad, but it needs to be understood and expressed in the right way. Knowing these reactions aren’t good for you, it’s a way to deal with emotions.

  • Talk about it and vent to a friend, or even just write it out in a journal. Getting emotions out helps you process them.
  • Move your body with exercise to release built-up tension and frustration.
  • Set boundaries if certain people or situations are always frustrating you and reassess how you handle them.

If you’re struggling to work through such emotions on your own, talking to a professional Christian counselor in Newport Beach, California also helps. You can start by calling our office at Newport Beach Christian Counseling or filling out an online contact form to schedule a meeting with one of the anger management therapists in Newport Beach today.

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“White Flowers”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

How to Recognize Codependency and Narcissism in Your Friendships

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Recognizing codependency and narcissism in your friendships may not seem relatable, but it’s worth reflecting on as you interact with friends of varying degrees. You will have a variety of friendships in your lifetime: co-workers, book club friends, workout buddies, lifelong friends, and casual friends who share a specific season of life. Knowing whether or not your friend is codependent and how that impacts narcissistic tendencies can help you and them.

What is narcissism?

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition, says that narcissism can be adjacent to a mental health disorder known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). However, narcissistic tendencies don’t necessarily qualify a person as having NPD.

Unfortunately, both terms (narcissism and codependency) have undergone a platform mutation in recent years to their detriment because of social media, public overuse, and misunderstanding. Narcissism itself isn’t evil or all bad. It often stems from poor self-esteem and exemplifies someone who is hurting.

While NPD shows a pervasive pattern of at least five out of nine diagnostic traits and usually starts becoming more consistent in young adulthood, having some narcissistic traits does not necessarily mean you or a friend has NPD. If a person has true NPD, they meet at least five of the following nine criteria in all areas of their life, not just in one or two areas or environments.

  1. They think of themselves as more important than others.
  2. They imagine they’re deserving of or will automatically inherit certain rewards or achievements, even if there isn’t evidence to indicate such.
  3. They believe they are special or operate on a “different playing field” of sorts. More than seeing themselves as self-important (as in No. 1), this tendency is to see others through a lens of haughtiness.
  4. They need a high degree of validation from others. Think of the leader of the “mean girl” pack. She surrounds herself with “yes” girls who laud her because she needs the admiration.
  5. They have an unrealistic expectation about what others owe them or should give them. Another way to state this is a sense of entitlement.
  6. They have a tendency toward – and establish a pattern of this behavior – exploiting others for their own gain and/or manipulating others to get what they want or to get out of doing something they don’t want to do.
  7. They’re unwilling to listen to or try to empathize with someone else’s perspective or emotional needs.
  8. Envy is frequent, and it can be their envy of others or their misconception that others are envious of them.
  9. They struggle with arrogance in multiple arenas of life.

What is codependency?

Unlike narcissism, codependency is not a disorder recognized by the DSM-5. It’s a behavioral pattern that was first used in the 1970s, made more universal in the 1980s when a book, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie was used to help those struggling with substance use disorder (SUD). Typically, a person with codependent behavioral patterns will often mask the consequences of another person’s behavior.

The person doing the masking may believe they’re protecting their loved one from negative consequences or hardship. What often happens, however, is an unhealthy attachment that requires a level of maintenance that can’t be sustained over time. It can create fractured relationships due to unclear boundaries.

Similar to narcissism, the term codependent has developed a negative reputation when, in fact, it’s simply a pattern of relating that can be unlearned when a person forms healthy attachments. Some markers of codependency include the following:

  • Refusing to do things or go places unless the other person also wants to do them or go with you.
  • Excusing a friend’s poor behavior (repeatedly) when it’s been hurtful to you.
  • Feeling guilty when you take time out for yourself instead of serving your friend’s or loved one’s needs.
  • Apologizing without working toward reconciliation, even if the fault isn’t yours, just to avoid conflict.
  • Doing more than your share when your friend could also contribute. An example might be agreeing to go on a trip together, but you do all the planning, pay for the trip, and drive, while your friend simply adds a few recommendations.
  • Feeling alone or like your friend doesn’t ask curious questions about your life often, yet you don’t mention it for fear of losing your friendship or not pleasing her.

How Codependency and Narcissism Arise from Similar Struggles

On the surface, it appears that codependent people struggle with low self-esteem and, therefore, may not assert themselves or their own opinions. This is not an accurate portrayal of a codependent-tending person. Just as a narcissistic person does not always think of themselves as better than others or isn’t always toxic and full of drama. However, the two can share similar roots.

When a person is codependent, they tend to learn those patterns of behavior from a parent or caregiver who did not give them the attention they needed as a child, or they were incapable of functioning as a healthy emotional adult. Either way, the person learned to cope by letting personal boundaries go by the wayside.

One example of this is when a person grows up and makes a friend at work. He had an alcoholic mother who often asked him to hide her receipts for wine from his dad so he wouldn’t know how much she was drinking.

As a young teen, he thought he was creating a more peaceful home life by saving the relational tension between his mom and dad. In reality, it was edging him toward an inability to develop healthy boundaries, recognizing it was not his job to save his mom from the consequences of her destructive behavior.

Then, in the friendship this adult man has with a co-worker, he isn’t able to see that the co-worker is taking advantage of their friendship by asking him to take the fall whenever he fails to prepare for a work presentation or wants to get by with leaving the office early. He asks his friend to cover for him by saying he had a doctor’s appointment, and this sets up a continual pattern of learned behavior and lack of boundaries.

Narcissistic personality tendencies can also be rooted in a struggle with boundaries. If as a young teen, someone struggles to see their worth and value, it’s usually referred to as low self-esteem. Rather than recognizing this and looking for healthy ways to develop confidence, a teenager may make fun of others to make herself feel better.

This kind of behavior – unchecked – can lead to dangerous adult relationships. She may use a grandiose view of herself to mask her low self-value and expect others to see her self-importance in the same light.

What to Do If You Recognize Codependency and Narcissism in Yourself or a Friend

One of the downsides of the public using terms that are clinical in nature – such as toxic, narcissistic, or codependent – is that they can take on inaccurate meanings. A good way to respond if you think you or your friend exhibits some traits of codependency or narcissism is to be curious, gentle, and compassionate.

While it doesn’t mean you have to let your friend override your personal boundaries, you can ask compassionate questions if she says something like, “I can’t go through the line without you. I’m too scared.”

An appropriate, boundary-setting response might be, “I’m enjoying my lunch while it’s hot, so I am going to stay here. But I wonder why it’s hard for you to go alone. Is there someone at the head of the line who makes you nervous?” This lets her know you care, but also holds a firm boundary about wanting to eat your lunch while it’s hot.

Other appropriate responses include recognizing when these qualities are present in yourself and avoiding self-blame or negative self-thoughts. Instead, you can reflect on an appropriate next step.

It might be looking for a counselor who can help you examine where your learned behaviors come from and what kind of solutions are available to help you overcome them. To find a compassionate, trauma-informed counselor, our offices are ready to help with your inquiries when you are comfortable reaching out.

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“Sitting on the Mountaintop”, Courtesy of Matheus Ferrero, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Talk to the Hand”, Courtesy of Obie Fernandez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Polite Signs”, Courtesy of mark tulin, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Boundary Line”, Courtesy of Erin Larson, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Infidelity in Your 50s: the Gray Affair

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By the time most couples are in their fifties, all of the children are grown and on their own. There are instances where some may have older children at home. The couple is approaching retirement, and they may feel like something is missing. When the dynamics of the home change, they find themselves facing relationship issues. Infidelity in marriage isn’t just something that can happen in younger couples.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. – Proverbs 3:3, NIV

Sadly, infidelity is becoming a common occurrence in older couples as they face a new dynamic in their relationship. This is causing more older couples to engage in gray affairs.

The Gray Affair

As Americans grow older, they are becoming more unsatisfied with their marriages. Older people are now engaging in affairs that often lead to divorce. With a new understanding of staying healthy, older people now find that they are more than just an older person without a purpose. Being an empty nest home also has an impact on how older couples view their lives. Many changes can affect how older couples gauge satisfaction.

Most people in the older couple age range are the Baby Boomers. This generation grew up with the notion that marriages had to last for the children. When the children are no longer in the equation, Baby Boomers find themselves trying to understand a new purpose.

Factors Associated with Gray Affairs

The question remains: Why is infidelity in marriage increasing in older couples? While there are many possibilities, some common explanations include the following:

Empty nest syndrome When children leave home, it can create a big shift in the dynamics of the household. This can cause couples to feel they no longer have anything in common.

Health problems Couples faced with chronic health conditions find they cannot cope with the issues. This can cause them to seek companionship elsewhere, leading to infidelity.

Change in expectations As people age, their expectations and priorities tend to change. People begin to look at how the relationship impacts their joy and fulfillment.

Growing apart When people grow older, their needs and interests change. Sometimes these changes are a factor in whether or not a couple stays close.

Does Christian counseling help with infidelity?

No matter what age the couple is, Christian marriage counseling can have a positive impact on the next step after infidelity in marriage. Just as with younger couples, there are many benefits of Christian marriage counseling for older couples who face infidelity. Consider a few of the ways Christian counseling can help a struggling marriage.

Managing financial changes The effect of retirement can impact a household’s finances. Counseling can help with understanding how to navigate these issues with better communication.

Handling grief and loss Older couples have experienced more grief and loss of family and friends. This can have an impact on how they see their future. Counseling can help them realign their focus on staying together and enjoying life as older adults.

Creating strategies to cope with changes Counseling can help the older couple develop strategies that will remove the anxiety and stress of changes due to aging.

Restoring emotional connections Older couples find themselves trying to connect emotionally after raising a family. Counseling can help address these issues that cause a chasm in the emotional aspect of the relationship.

Creating new communication skills Older couples’ communication changes over the years of raising a family. Now they have more time to sit and talk about things other than kids, schedules, and household planning. Counseling can help them have conversations that revolve around new expectations and interests.

Developing intimacy Intimacy in older couples involves rediscovering who the other person has become after raising kids and having a career. Counseling can help develop an understanding of what each person desires and how to reach mutual satisfaction.

How to Heal from Infidelity in Your Fifties

Regardless of how old a person is when they experience infidelity in marriage, they will face many emotions. It is vital to develop healing strategies to overcome the hurt in a healthy manner.

Some of the important things to remember are:

  • Don’t accept the blame for the situation alone. The person choosing to be unfaithful has responsibility in this situation.
  • It’s okay to have the feelings and emotions that will come with the hurt of infidelity. These are common and natural, but they don’t dictate what life should be like after unfaithfulness.
  • Keep thoughts away from trying to understand why or where the signs were missed. It doesn’t help to focus on what is unknown. Think positive and whole thoughts based on what Scripture says about God and His love for you.
  • Be sure to maintain self-care as healing begins. Just because your spouse was unfaithful doesn’t mean you are less than who you were. Your self is not connected to their choices. Choosing to continue with your healthy lifestyle will help in the healing process.
  • It’s okay to consider what you want concerning the situation. Infidelity doesn’t have to lead to divorce any more than it has to lead to restoration. Take time to consider the factors that make either option important to you.
  • If you feel like Christian counseling can help, connect with your local counseling service to make an appointment.

Christian Counseling for Infidelity in Newport Beach

Infidelity in marriage in couples over fifty is not as uncommon as one might think. The reasons are just as diverse for older couples as for younger couples. The choice to restore the marriage or get a divorce is something that each couple must discuss and choose for themselves. A Christian counselor in Newport Beach, California can help navigate the issues of infidelity in your marriage. Contact us at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to learn how a counselor can help.

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“Raindrops”, Courtesy of Artem Sapegin, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

7 Important Professional Boundaries to Set in the Workplace

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Professional boundaries are essential for maintaining your mental health, avoiding burnout, and staying motivated. You exude an air of confidence and professionalism when you maintain clear boundaries. But setting boundaries can be difficult if you’ve never done it before.

7 Professional Boundaries You Need in the Workplace

Sticking to your professional boundaries will enable you to enjoy your job and not feel like a victim. There will be those who refuse to acknowledge boundaries. Your company’s HR team may be willing to address these issues.

Check the company handbook for the company’s stance on the following professional boundaries.

Respect

Respect yourself by being honest and refraining from gossiping about others. Refuse to participate in gossip or pranks on others, as that can lead to harassment in the workplace. Inappropriate comments are never okay. Respect others’ time and ask that they respect yours. Take care of other people’s belongings.

Depending on your workplace, you may need to secure your belongings in a locker or desk drawer. Never steal from others, including the company. If you suspect someone of stealing from you or disrespecting your property, report it to a supervisor.

Physical Boundaries

No touching or invading someone’s personal space. You may need to address this with people who have no physical boundaries. They may be harmless, but a simple comment about you not liking people in your personal space should set the boundary. Inappropriate touching in the workplace should never occur and should be reported immediately.

Most companies outline sexual harassment in their employee handbooks and provide procedures for reporting to HR. Do not tolerate this type of behavior. Be assertive in your physical boundaries from the start.

Work Expectations

The company should clearly outline work expectations. Define projects and tasks so that others know what to do. If you are unsure, ask a project manager or supervisor. Express your work expectations to those you work with.

For some people, a job is simply a means to earn a paycheck and a place to spend eight hours a day. They may treat work as an extension of high school. If that is the case, you may need to take the initiative to explain what is expected from the company and you. Stay professional and calm.

Speaking Up

Blending in like a wallflower might work for some, but this can only set you up for future stress and anxiety in a professional setting. You must learn how to communicate any problems or concerns. Voicing your ideas can help you grow in your career and your confidence.

However, if you allow others to steal your voice by staying silent due to fear of rejection or ridicule, you won’t grow outside of your comfort zone. This is also an excellent opportunity to respect yourself and demand the same from others.

Realistic Time Frames for Projects

Avoid overwhelming yourself by defining realistic time frames for projects. If your boss assigns an unmanageable workload, discuss it with them. Avoid turning to office gossip; instead, go straight to the source. By addressing your boss directly, you earn respect from the top.

Although you set boundaries, be flexible when it comes to workload and time constraints. Be willing to collaborate with others to achieve a productive outcome.

Conflict Management

Conflict resolution should be openly discussed at any job. There should be policies and procedures in place. Aside from these, you should possess conflict resolution and anger management skills to defuse situations before they escalate.

If your company does not offer conflict management training, consider seeking help from a counselor. You can acquire the necessary skills to negotiate effectively and make fair assessments, thereby becoming a peacemaker in the workplace.

Leaving Work Behind After Hours

Respecting and loving yourself and protecting your mental health means leaving work behind after hours. Workaholics tend to be anxious and depressed. You want a life of peace. You want to enjoy your work without letting it control you.

Make it your goal to leave your work at work and concentrate on your family and the life you lead outside of your job. Even if it’s your career, you must establish boundaries to avoid burnout.

Avoid burnout with Christian counseling for professional development

You can avoid workplace burnout by setting professional boundaries. Even if your company does not address these, you can speak to your supervisor and colleagues about your boundaries and expectations. People will respect you when you demand respect from them. Setting professional boundaries demonstrates that you are serious about your job and committed to fulfilling the company’s mission.

If you need help setting professional boundaries, contact us today at Newport Beach Christian Counseling in California to speak to a Christian counselor in Newport Beach about your professional development. You can grow in your career by learning a few strategies and skills that will serve you for years to come.

Photo:
“Stressed”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

How to Manage Depression in a Relationship

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Depression takes its toll on a relationship. If your significant other suffers from depression, you may be no stranger to emotional distance, withdrawal, decreased libido, and mood swings. But depression is a mental condition and should be treated by a mental health professional, such as a Christian counselor in Newport Beach, California. There are things you can do to help your spouse and manage depression in a relationship.

Tips to Manage Depression in a Relationship

You can help manage depression in a relationship, but you will also want the help of a counselor to provide strategies and evidence-based methods. Remember, as you work with your spouse, that managing depression symptoms can take time, patience, and lifestyle changes.

Seek treatment together

Although it may be tempting to have your significant other attend counseling sessions on their own, and at times they must do so, consider attending couples counseling. The same counselor can preside over both. Through these sessions, you can learn how best to support your loved one while expressing how their depression affects you and the relationship. The counselor can also help establish boundaries and expectations within the relationship.

Keep communication open

Learn how to express your needs and wants and actively listen to your partner’s struggles. Depression is a mental condition, and they may not understand why they feel the way they do or how to manage the symptoms. Become a safe space for your loved one to confide, vent, and cry out to. Keep what they say confidential, even when they make you angry.

Do things together

Withdrawal and emotional unavailability are signs of depression in a relationship. Counteract this by including your partner in outings, movies, and discussions. Pay attention to when they seem to be drawing into themselves and away from the family. Everyone needs some alone time, but depression takes it to the extreme.

Taking your significant other’s personality into consideration, plan for romantic dates once a week or every other week. Plan inexpensive day trips to get away from family and home and bond with them.

Be supportive

Being supportive isn’t just listening to your partner. Being supportive also includes helping them to make healthy lifestyle choices to manage depression symptoms. For example, ultra-processed foods, alcohol, and drug use can exacerbate depression symptoms.

Help your loved one by offering to cook healthy dinners together, pack lunches, and get help for substance abuse. Some changes you may want to make together, such as limiting alcohol to one glass of wine a week.

Encourage exercise

Exercise promotes the release of feel-good hormones like serotonin and dopamine and decreases the stress hormone cortisol, which contributes to depression and anxiety. For a healthy body and mind, aim for 150 to 300 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise per week.

Speak to your family physician before starting any new exercise program. Once cleared, choose an activity you can do together. Maybe you lift weights at home, travel to the gym together, or jog in the park on the weekends. Find activities that you both enjoy and get excited about, and track your progress rather than focusing on the end goals.

Help create routines

Depression keeps people stuck. They lose motivation to do even the simplest tasks or activities they once enjoyed. Instilling a routine allows the person to operate on autopilot. The task gets accomplished, and the person can feel a sense of achievement.

For example, maybe have your loved one make the bed when they get dressed. Making the bed is a small task that many people overlook. However, when they make the bed, suddenly, the entire bedroom looks nicer, and they can check the task off their list. When they come home in the evening, they are greeted by a nice-looking and cozy bed. Try to keep routines short initially.

Take care of yourself

Don’t neglect your health during this time. Keep appointments, maintain personal hygiene, cultivate a positive mindset, and rely on God in this season. This, too, shall pass. God knows how challenging depression in a relationship can be. Call out to Him and ask Him to take control of the situation. Keep a watchful eye on your own physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

Christian Counseling for Depression in Newport Beach

Couples counseling in Newport Beach, California provides help for depression in a relationship. You can learn strategies to lessen the symptoms of depression and to rebuild the relationship. You will learn how to work together without compromising boundaries and reconnect emotionally and physically.

Contact our office today at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to schedule a session with a couples counselor in Newport Beach, California to discuss how psychological methods can help with depression in a relationship.

Photo:
“Orange Flowers”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Is This Social Anxiety Disorder or My Personality?

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You might experience a quickening heart rate, feel sick to your stomach, or be dizzy. These are physiological symptoms that could come and go over weeks, months, or even years. How do you know if these  –  combined with your fears of meeting new people  –  are symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder or simply your personality?

Recognizing when symptoms may be related to Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) is complex, and not something you should try to ascertain on your own. However, learning about SAD can help you determine your next right step.

What is social anxiety disorder?

Social Anxiety Disorder may be something that you or a loved one has and doesn’t understand. It’s a mental health disorder related to other anxiety disorders.

If you are afraid of joining new groups, meeting new people, or appearing on a stage of any kind, you may have Social Anxiety Disorder. But did you know that even some fear of everyday tasks, such as purchasing a product from a checkout clerk or at a kiosk, making a phone call, or raising your hand in class, can also be signals of Social Anxiety Disorder?

SAD impacts an estimated 7-10% of people in the world, and it often begins in childhood or adolescence. When a person is afraid to join people, groups, or get up in front of others, it may be because of SAD. People with SAD worry about being rejected, criticized, or judged for something they do or say.

Social Anxiety Disorder Symptoms

Symptoms of SAD may seem small at first. You don’t want to participate in group projects at school because you don’t want to be the nominated speaker. Your fear of reading aloud isn’t related to your inability to read; it’s because you don’t want your voice to be judged by classmates.

These symptoms can continue and increase throughout a person’s life. They can range from small to large, come and go depending on the situation, and vary in intensity from mild to severe.

A person with SAD may avoid public speaking, or they may avoid anything where they are asked to address someone they don’t know. This can severely disrupt their life, making it hard to find a career, learn in a traditional school setting, or accomplish basic tasks like purchasing groceries from the supermarket.

How to Tell If You Are Simply Shy

Sometimes, the symptoms of SAD are mild, so they’re chalked up to shyness. This can disturb a young person’s self-esteem because they may perceive that there is something deeply wrong with who they are.

Unfortunately, if your social anxiety disorder is mild, meaning you experience the same symptoms for at least six months, it may be that shyness is hard to distinguish. However, if your symptoms are manageable and they don’t disrupt your everyday life, you are likely someone whom others would characterize as shy.

The tendencies you struggle with can be overcome. Still, it is important to note, your propensity toward shyness doesn’t mean you are any less valuable as a person, though.

Research suggests that shyness isn’t something we’re born with. A sense of self begins to develop around the age of one and a half years old. Consider if you were born with a more sensitive temperament and the caregivers in your life were not understanding of that temperament.

This may have led you to develop lower self-esteem, feel unworthy of love, or believe that the only way to exist successfully in the world around you was to be loud and outgoing.

Sadly, these unhelpful messages are common among people who are shy and among people who have SAD. It’s essential to know that your fears, which contribute to both shyness and social anxiety disorder, stem from real emotions that need to be taken seriously and dealt with gently.

In general, if your symptoms persist for longer than a few weeks (typically, at least six months) and if they’re disrupting your everyday life routines and activities, we recommend consulting a counselor.

Being introverted may increase the likelihood that you will develop SAD, but it doesn’t have to. Psychologists encourage evaluations for anyone who perceives he or she may have SAD because of comorbidities that may be contributing factors, such as generalized anxiety or depression.

Social Anxiety Disorder Treatments

While a person with Social Anxiety Disorder is less likely to seek treatment, due to fear of being judged, it’s essential for a person’s healing. If what you perceive as your shyness persists over time and interrupts your daily life, you can’t discern if you have SAD without a psychotherapy evaluation.

Seeing a counselor in person or online can bring you peace of mind and mark the beginning of a full, varied life. Missing out on friendships, career opportunities, or trying new hobbies are all consistent consequences of someone’s fear getting in the way of their everyday life choices.

Several treatments show promise for social anxiety disorder. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is used to treat multiple mental health issues, and studies show its effectiveness is long-lasting. With CBT, someone with SAD may learn new ways to think about themselves and the world they’re afraid to engage with.

A standard CBT method for social anxiety disorder may help the person understand that some of his or her perceived judgments aren’t there. It can help him or her focus less on self and more on the genuine good found in others. CBT helps people learn new behaviors and beliefs, which impact how they view themselves and how they perceive others’ views of themselves.

Another treatment for SAD is exposure therapy, where a counselor helps someone progressively address and face what they’re afraid of. For example, consider someone with SAD who is particularly afraid of raising their hand (or being called on) in class. Exposure therapy would encourage tiny steps toward class participation. Over time, these small steps add up to overcoming the fear of that specific situation.

Another treatment that has proven helpful for people who have social anxiety disorder is acceptance and commitment therapy. This therapy, also known as ACT, focuses on the gentle acceptance of fearful thoughts so that they can be invited, acknowledged, and hopefully, overcome through small attempts to engage in anxiety-reducing behavior. Mindfulness practices are one example of how a person can grow to address their fear without letting it take hold.

How to Help a Friend or Loved One with Social Anxiety Disorder

Learning to see the real struggle behind a person’s disorder is paramount to accepting and loving them as they are. When we minimize or try to quickly dismiss a person’s fear, it communicates that they’re blowing things out of proportion or fearful for no reason. These behaviors and attitudes only confirm their belief that they are not enough or that their presence doesn’t matter.

Instead, remind yourself that SAD is a mental health condition, not a simple refusal to be part of what you may perceive as fun. It’s a condition that can be overcome, but it takes patience and taking small steps over time when someone is ready.

Other helpful practices to help you show respect for someone with SAD include:

Listen first You might think you understand or have a story about a time when you faced a fear. Try not to share it. Instead, ask questions with compassion and curiosity to show that you care and are genuinely interested in listening.

Encourage second If your loved one expresses a desire to overcome their fears, start with understanding. There aren’t any quick and easy ways to wholeness when it comes to mental health disorders.

Collaborate third When your loved one decides he or she wants to work on the anxiety that’s held them back, ask if they’d like help to find a professional counselor or a CBT group that can give them resources and support. If they decline, that’s okay; ask what you can do to make them feel like you’re in their corner.

Don’t judge We’ve all had struggles in our lives, and mental health is no different than one of your challenges. Maybe you struggle to maintain a healthy fitness and eating routine, or maybe your spending habits need attention.

Try to remember that, unlike a simple tweak to a routine, a mental health condition needs specific, targeted therapy and can’t be unlearned by following someone on social media or making a lifestyle change. Judgments have no place in mental health.

When your loved one is ready, share the resources that you’ve seen – such as this article – that could lead to the discovery of a counselor who knows how to treat social anxiety disorder with patience and compassion. For more help and tools, contact our office today.

Photos:
“Friends”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Shy Dog”, Courtesy of DACHENGZI LIANG, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Relaxation”, Courtesy of Kosal Ley, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Counseling Session”, Courtesy of Hrant Khachatryan, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Signs of Anger Issues to Be Wary of

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Anger is one of those emotions that seems big, bold, brash, and hard to hide. That’s because in a lot of instances, when people feel and express their anger, that’s the form it takes. There are endless stories about anger gone wrong, whether at a family gathering like a wedding, Christmas, or Thanksgiving, or dustups between perfect strangers at a local buffet, restaurant, gas station, or parking lot. The internet sometimes seems to run on anger.

With anger so prominent in everyday situations, you’d think we’d be better at identifying it in ourselves and dealing effectively with it. There are sometimes subtle signs of anger that we either don’t take to be anger or that we ignore for various reasons. Detecting anger issues in your life can help to save your relationships and promote your well-being.

Where Anger Issues Come from

What exactly are anger issues? Being angry and expressing that anger doesn’t necessarily mean that you have anger issues. When a person has anger issues, it means that they struggle to control their anger, and that loss of control often has negative consequences in their life, some of them small, but some of them big. Anger has a dominating presence in that person’s life.

If you don’t work on any anger issues you may have, that can affect all areas of your life, including your work, your relationships, and your health. While anger issues are quite destructive, they can also feel like a normal part of one’s life, especially when they are part of longstanding patterns.

Some of the work of undoing anger issues is rooted in understanding where anger issues come from. This differs from person to person, as anger issues can stem from a combination of biological, psychological, and environmental factors, as these interact with the individual’s personality and temperament.

Anger issues may have a biological component. Some inherited traits and one’s temperament may contribute to anger issues. Experiencing changes or fluctuations in your hormone levels, such as your testosterone or cortisol levels, can influence your anger. Lastly, having imbalances in your brain chemistry can also affect whether and how you regulate your mood well.

Psychological factors such as mental health conditions, experiences of childhood trauma, and stress or frustration can all contribute to feelings of anger. Health conditions such as anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder can all have increased levels of anger and irritability as symptoms.

In terms of environmental factors that might play a role in anger, your family dynamics and upbringing can shape your behavior, including how you understand and relate to your anger. If you’re exposed to violence and anger, or the cultural and social norms you’re immersed in navigate anger in unhelpful ways, it can also contribute to anger issues. Anger may also become a problem if you find yourself in difficult life circumstances that trigger anger.

Apart from these main factors, other things that can trigger anger issues include struggling with medical issues like chronic pain or thyroid disorders, substance abuse, or sleep deprivation. These and other factors may lie under a problem with anger.

How Anger Can Upend Your Life

When you get angry, there is no telling where it’ll take you if you let it. Some things are good servants and poor masters, and anger is one of those things. Anger can upend your life in significant ways.

Along with this goes the idea, “Be angry and do not sin.” As a person who has come under the leadership of Christ and the support of the Spirit, anger is not essentially bad but can become so when not controlled and given the reins to steer your choices. Anger, in controlled usage, can draw attention to wrongdoing and urge the wrongdoers to change their ways (i.e., a picked-on person saying “you need to stop spitting spit wads at me because that is not okay”).

Anger in uncontrolled, sinful form can seek to attack, humiliate, or damage the wrongdoers and end situations altogether (i.e., a picked-on kid (or bully) punching or damaging or humiliating the other person).

Some of the ways unbridled anger can be disruptive in your life include:

Damaging relationships When you don’t manage your anger well, it can lead to frequent and deep conflict with the people in your life. Angry outbursts can strain relationships with others, and you may say things in anger that you later regret. If you’re an angry person, people may walk on eggshells around you or avoid you altogether, leading to social isolation.

Affecting your work life Anger can result in conflict with clients, coworkers, or supervisors, which may result in job loss. If it doesn’t get that far, anger can still impair your judgment by impairing your decision-making and problem-solving skills, impacting job performance. Unmanaged anger may also lead to accidents, injuries, and reckless behavior on the job, which endangers you and other people.

Impact on physical health When you’re angry, it’s a whole-body experience. Anger activates your fight-or-flight response, putting your body on high alert for threats. If you are angry a lot and if the anger is intense, that taxes your body. Chronic anger can increase the risk of cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, a weakened immune system, and stomach issues like ulcers, irritable bowel syndrome, and acid reflux.

Impact on mental health Just as anger affects your body, it also affects your mind. If your anger isn’t under control, it can contribute to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and feelings of guilt and shame. To cope with anger and its effects on one’s life, some people turn to substance abuse, which worsens the situation.

Legal and other consequences Anger can lead to bad decision-making, like assaulting other people or damaging property. This can result in legal action being taken against you, as well as being arrested and possibly convicted. Anger can also lead to financial problems, especially when the anger escalates and results in losing work or facing lawsuits for damage caused to people and property out of anger.

Uncontrolled anger can take a difficult situation and make it worse. This makes it all the more important to address anger issues to deal with life problems without worsening them or creating new ones.

Signs of Anger Issues

Can you tell when you’re getting angry? It’s possible to know yourself well enough to clock when you’re starting to get angry. For some, they feel their face flush or their ears start to burn. Perhaps your heart rate increases, and you get a sense of tunnel vision. Maybe you start talking quite fast and gesturing a lot. Or maybe you go quiet, and you clench your jaws and fists. Each of us has our unique reactions when we start to get angry.

Anger issues can manifest in different ways, and sometimes it’s possible to not even realize that one has a problem with anger. Here are some signs of anger issues to be wary of:

Irritability and mood swings One sign of anger issues is if you easily get annoyed or frustrated, even over small or inconsequential things, and you experience sudden shifts in your mood. If you are irritable or your mood shifts are deep and hard to get out of, that too could point to anger issues.

Sarcasm and passive-aggressive behavior Sometimes, people will express their anger in quieter, more indirect, and less confrontational ways. This includes using sarcasm, backhanded compliments, sulking, rolling your eyes, procrastinating, or other indirect expressions of anger.

Feeling tightness or tension in the body This occurs because you may be frequently clenching your jaws, fists, or tensing your shoulders, indicating pent-up anger or frustration.

Avoiding conflict or difficult conversations Another subtle sign that could point to anger issues is dodging hard discussions or situations that might lead to conflict, instead of addressing issues head-on. If you don’t want to have such discussions because you’re worried about your reaction, especially how you’ll react if you get angry, that could point to anger issues.

Procrastination or passive resistance Another sign of anger issues is when you put off tasks or responsibilities, or you do them begrudgingly to express your anger or frustration with a person or your circumstances.

Overreacting or being overly critical Instead of reacting in a measured way, responding in an excessive or over-the-top way to minor setbacks or mistakes could lead to anger issues. Additionally, if you’re overly critical of yourself or others, that could also be the result of anger issues.

Difficulty relaxing or calming down If, when you get angry, you struggle to unwind or relax, or to calm yourself down even in peaceful environments, that could indicate anger issues.

Substance abuse or addiction Using substances to cope with or numb feelings of anger or the consequences of actions taken in anger may point to anger issues.

Physical complaints Experiencing somatic symptoms such as frequent headaches, stomach issues, high blood pressure, or other physical complaints may be the result of stress and anger issues.

Difficulty apologizing or forgiving If you struggle to admit mistakes you’ve made, to apologize, or to forgive yourself or others, it may be the result of unresolved anger or resentment.

People experience anger differently, and these signs may well point to anger issues, but they may also be rooted in another cause. If you’re concerned about your own anger or that of someone you know, you must consider seeking help from a mental health professional to help you identify and address any anger issues.

Addressing Anger Issues in Your Life

Dealing with anger issues is a process that takes time and concerted effort. There may be habits you’ve accrued over the years that are at play, and it takes time to identify these and begin to unravel and replace them with newer, healthier habits.

You can begin working toward addressing anger issues by taking time to reflect on when and why you get angry. Being able to identify patterns and triggers is a helpful step in learning how your own anger works. Anger issues can also be addressed by improving your communication skills, which include listening well to others, being able to express yourself clearly, and setting healthy boundaries in your relationships.

You must nurture your own well-being, and that includes getting enough sleep, eating well, and engaging in regular exercise and activities that calm you and bring you joy. You can make use of creative expression to articulate your feelings, and you can seek professional help in the form of anger management classes and therapy to help you identify and shift negative and unhealthy patterns of thought and behavior.

To learn more about managing anger and to meet with one of the faith-based therapists at our location, call us today.

Photo:
“Fire”, Courtesy of Eric Sanman, Pexels.com, CC0 License

Single Women Over Fifty Ask, “Will I Ever Get Married?”

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By the time you hit the age of fifty, you’ve picked up a few truths. You know which coffee brands are worth the extra dollar, and you’ve figured out how to pay your own bills. You may even love sleeping in the middle of the bed without apology. But sometimes there’s still this small quiet question that bubbles up when things get still enough. You wonder if you will ever get married or even fall in love?

Statistically speaking, the odds aren’t in your favor. If you’re a woman who has never been married and you’re over the age of fifty, the data puts your chances of marrying somewhere around 5-10%, depending on where you live and a few other factors. It’s not zero, of course, but it’s not a high probability either.

And yet you still desire to find the love of your life.

Those statistics don’t tell the whole story. They don’t know you or what is possible, especially when you seek the help of God. God sees the desires of your heart, even the ones that you’re too afraid to admit to other people. He doesn’t shame you for wanting love. Remember, it was His idea in the first place.

But you’ve probably already prayed that God would bring the right husband into your life, right? Maybe you’ve been praying for a long time, and now you’re tired. Not tired of trusting God or praying, of course, but of waiting, and that is a perfectly normal reaction.

It’s normal to grow tired of timidly walking into events alone or cringing from well-meaning comments about whether you’re dating. And it can be exhausting pretending that you don’t care that there is no significant other in your life, when you still long for a wedding band on your finger.

Weariness is not an indication of your lack of faith in God or His perfect plan. But it is a type of grief for what you think you’re missing out on, even if it’s mixed with a healthy dose of hope that life won’t always look the way it does now. God understands these complex, sometimes contradictory emotions. He knows the ache of being misunderstood and what loneliness feels like.

Your weariness may be partly due to the lies you tell yourself. You might not even realize it, but over time, it’s easy to internalize messages that aim to convince you that something is intrinsically wrong with you. “If only I had been prettier, thinner, more outgoing, then maybe someone would have picked me up by now.” Lies like that have a way of planting seeds that develop deep emotional roots.

Therapy can benefit you by giving you a platform to sort through the confusion and help to uproot those painful and sinister lies. A Christian therapist can give you an outlet to say the things out loud that have been trapped in your mind. Therapy can give you the tools to sort through the sadness, frustration, and even the shame that sometimes tag along with prolonged singleness.

It’s okay to still want to be chosen, even if you’re in your fifties or older. Love at your age might look a bit different than if it had come earlier in life. But maybe that’s a good thing. With age comes less need for performance and pretending to be something you’re not. There is less time wasted because by the time people hit their fifties, they begin to know exactly what they want and what they will no longer endure.

One significantly positive difference is that you’re not trying to build a life from scratch but inviting someone into a life you’ve already worked hard to establish.

Yes, the odds might not be in your favor if you’re seeking love after fifty, but that doesn’t mean that, with God’s guidance, it won’t happen. And what if it doesn’t? Then you’ll be okay too, because God’s love is not short nor confined to your plans.

What should you do while you wait? Stop. You stop waiting. Stop waiting to live life as a part of a marriage and make the most of your singleness right now. Go to the party, even if you’re going alone. Make space in your life for people who matter and get connected to a healthy church family who can be there with you through life’s ups and downs.

Just because you stop waiting, doesn’t mean you stop hoping. Don’t put your life on hold. Live fully while leaving an extra seat at the dinner table. Because you never know when God may do something beautiful and send someone to you at a most unexpected time.

If someone does walk in? Great. If not, you are still building a beautiful, meaningful, and connected life. One that isn’t defined by whether you wear a ring, but by the way that you choose to love yourself, others, and most importantly, God. Your best years are not behind you, nor were they wasted on singleness. Some of the best moments might still be ahead, whether you’re married or not.

If you would like to learn how a Christian therapist can help you navigate singleness after fifty, contact our office today.

Resources:
https://www.bgsu.edu/ncfmr/resources/data/family-profiles/eickmeyer-age-variation-first-marriage-rate-1990-2017-fp-19-05.html

Photo:
“A woman standing”, Courtesy of Roberta Sant’Anna, Unsplash.com, CC0 License