If you and/or your spouse are considering marriage counseling, you should not be surprised if you encounter a great deal of resistance. Typically, when a couple reaches the point of needing a marriage counselor the situation has become bad enough that they are even willing to talk to a stranger about it.

In many cases, shame has entered the picture, making the choice to seek counseling even more difficult and more complex. By this point, you are probably asking if there is any real value to marriage counseling, or if it even works.

It should come as no surprise that the answer is yes, but that its relative success depends entirely on both parties’ level of dedication both to each other and the counseling process.

Though there is a spectrum of opinions on marital counseling, the fact remains that you are attempting to fix the one relationship that is most valuable to you, so you might need to get past a degree of reluctance start down the road.

Arguments in Favor of Marriage Counseling

1. The Need for a Mediator

Unfortunately, when a couple realizes that their marriage needs help in the 11^th hour, communication deteriorated to the point that they are unable to talk through the important issues without arguing.

They need someone to play referee and send each of them back to their corners, to make calls on fouls or boundary violations, and help redirect the way they talk to each other. This way, each person’s side can be voiced and emotional responses toned down.

As our anxiety or anger grows our ability to reason declines, as well as our ability to bond. Only when both spouses contain or manage their emotions (with deep breathing techniques, for example) is mature conversation about tough subjects possible.

Until both parties are able to control their emotions, it is necessary to have a third party on hand to prevent important conversations from degenerating into an argument.

2. The Need for a Fresh Perspective

A second class of issues that can develop within the marriage relationship is conflict that has sometimes formed over the course of years or even decades. A couple can find themselves trapped in unhealthy cycles of feeling, thinking, and communicating. When these problems are left unaddressed over time one can begin to feel that change will never happen.

Talking with a counselor can not only bring a fresh set of eyes to the problem but should ideally add some expertise and experience to the mix. Therapists have the skills to help you break down the walls you’ve put up in response to painful relationship problems, understand the core issues, and establish workarounds to eliminate their effects.

3. The Need to Bring Hope

Long-term persistence of marital issues can lead to that the situation will never (and indeed can never) change. Staying together while feeling like this will only result in living in a world where your relationship is a mere shell of what you’d hoped it would be.

Making the decision together to seek help from a marriage counselor is a hopeful sign for the future. This simple action proclaims that overcoming your problems and finding a new and better way to relate, encourage emotional growth, and encourage relational health is possible.

Remember that while happiness may be a by-product of having one’s needs cared for, it is not the main goal. Feelings of happiness come and go, but feelings of gratitude and trust are ultimately more.

4. Improving Bonding by Overcoming Hardship as a Team

Marital problems can make the relationship seem like a war zone. You begin to feel like you are stuck in the same foxhole shooting at each other.

Once you come to admit what a terrible waste of time it is, a therapist can help you learn to work together against a common foe. Working as one, you will learn to safely navigate the battlefield together, or even better, fortify your firing position to create a space of strength from which the two of you can face anything life brings.

Have you heard the term “war buddy bond”? When soldiers have experienced war together they develop a bond deeper than family ties, stronger than friendship or affection. It is a deep-rooted interest in the other person’s wellbeing which drives their ability to fight for them when they are fighting through internal or external turmoil.

Sometimes, “we have met the enemy and he is us”. We allow negative self-talk to control our thoughts. Spouses who are closely bonded can point out each other’s negative attitudes without initiating feelings of shame. Instead, they can help the struggling spouse back to a more accurate self-evaluation.

There is a kind of beauty in fighting the battle together. Eventually, you will come to realize that you are actually living out your marriage vows by loving, honoring, cherishing, and being there for each other as God has designed for you to be.

5. Doing Hard Things

People typically take the path of least resistance. This is not uncommon or something to feel bad about. However, nearly everything meaningful in life requires effort – sometimes a lot of it. Of course, there are occasions when you need to “take your ball and go home” but giving up too easily and too often can make it one’s default setting.

Unless our marriage has been damaged such that there is nothing left worth saving, there is typically something good left that is worth the effort to try to save. Something in our spouse caused us to say, “I want to be with this person for the rest of my life.” This is something to keep firmly in mind.

Working through marital issues together with a counselor is the best way to return to the place where you recall what you loved about your spouse, and also to discover some new things about them to love.

6. The Stakes are Huge

When a marriage fails, it never does so in a vacuum. Every single relationship that the couple has is impacted. It goes without saying that the failure usually causes devastation to both partners, and in more ways than one. Any children involved can be so heavily damaged by it that it can destroy their capacity for trust in relationships and affect their ability to commit to marriage, themselves.

Meanwhile, relationships with extended family are fractured, even when a divorce is “amicable”. Family bonds are damaged as well, and though they may survive, they will be forever changed.

Friendships can fracture, as mutual friends of the divorcing couple are forced to take sides. In the same way and for the same reasons, church relationships can become strained. Finally, there is still a stigma rightly associated with divorce. Even if you eventually move past it, at some level you will always feel regret.

Arguments Against Marriage Counseling

In spite of the arguments in favor of Christian marriage counseling, but it isn’t for everyone. A number of things should be considered, such as your current emotional state, the level of willingness, and whether you have the diligence to find a suitable counselor. The following factors should be considered if you are thinking about marriage counseling.

1. Both Spouses Need to Be (or Become) Committed

It happens quite frequently that one or both partners experience some hesitation to begin counseling, although those feelings typically dissipate as the benefits of counseling become more obvious. However, when one spouse wants counseling and nags their partner into attending, causing the resistant party to sit there with arms folded, refusing to cooperate, no real progress is going to be made.

It takes hard work to bring about change, and a spouse continues to resist the process shows themselves to be unwilling to change. If your spouse is recalcitrant it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try to get therapy, but when their resistance continues through therapy sessions, it might be wiser to end the therapy.

But if the spouse is willing to continue the therapy and shows any signs of engaging, even with a bad attitude, it is best to give the therapy a chance. How they’re engaging is less important than the fact of their engagement.

However, if the spouse sits there in silence, or only responds with negativity or criticism, it is probably best to just be done. In order for any progress to be made, both partners have to want it to work.

2. It May Be Too Late

Sadly, some couples don’t try to get counseling until they are way past the point of no return. If communication has deteriorated to the point that words are only being used as weapons, no progress can be made in or out of counseling.

Progress can only be gained when both partners are willing to humbly repent of their need to be right, vindicated, and to pay back their spouse for injuries (real or imagined).

Both spouses need to be convinced that something was good in the relationship that though lost, can still be saved. This can only happen when we can admit to and repent of our part in the breaking of the relationship. Lack of forgiveness spells the beginning of the end in any kind of relationship.

3. Spouses Have to Want to Change

If a spouse is involved in infidelity, agrees to counseling, but refuses to stop the affair, progress in therapy will be impossible.

Perhaps a spouse is engaging in destructive, disruptive or damaging behaviors and refuses to get help. This means that they are choosing their behavior over their marriage, which amounts to a violation of their marriage vows. They essentially saying that they will hurt whoever they want in order to please themselves.

Such a statement will bring nothing but heartache to the betrayed partner. Such a spouse no longer has your best interests at heart and has already left the marriage at least on an emotional level.

4. Individual Issues May Need to be Worked Through First

Marriage counseling may not currently be the best choice if either or both spouses have a history of serious emotional trauma before the marriage. Extra work may need to be done so that the person can separate old emotions related to the trauma from new emotions associated with the marriage.

Some couples may begin counseling together, only to split off into individual sessions in order to focus on their individual needs. If progress is made individually, therapists may reconvene the couples’ counseling or stop sessions if progress was sufficient.

5. Know Your Limits

There can be any number of personal reasons why counseling wouldn’t be beneficial though a person may have to give counseling a try in order to figure out what those reasons are. People sometimes have a pathological aversion to taking advice or are so pridefully convinced that they are right, that no one can convince them that they are wrong.

However, if a person with that attitude actually wants counseling, it is a good indicator that they recognize that there is a problem in the first place and want change. The extent of the possible change won’t be evident to them until they give counseling a try.

Anxiety at the very thought of marriage counseling could prove incapacitating, preventing one from ever seeking it. In that situation, a psychiatrist can help you find the proper medication to reduce your anxiety to the point that you can get counseling.

6. Finding the Right Counselor

Sadly, there are some therapists who provide really bad counsel. For example, a counselor advised a woman in marriage counseling to have extra-marital affairs in order to better understand the adulterous feelings she had – behavior which would be disastrous to the marriage.

If you become persuaded that your therapist is not helping fix your marriage problems, break things off, immediately. This doesn’t mean that you throw in the towel on counseling, but it is better to have no counseling than worthless or destructive counseling.

Typically, it is better to get counseling for seemingly insurmountable problems in a marriage, than not. If both spouses desire to work at it with a counselor then there is a good possibility of success.

Without question, marriage is hard. Of course, ideally, you will have many times of joy, fun, and fulfillment. But you will also go through seasons of pain, turmoil, frustration, and strife. When these times inevitably come, you need to make sure you are ready and willing to tackle the issues at hand.

Part of this effort can be to seek professional help that will help you decipher the key issues in your relationship, and will assist you in rebuilding your marriage into all that God intends for it to be. Fight to save your marriage — it’s worth it.

Nowadays, marriage is seen as nothing more than a commodity; something that can be thrown away with ease. As Christians, we must seek to battle against the soaring rates of divorce and must desire to uphold this wonderful, God-given gift with all that we have.

Practical Tips to Save Your Marriage

Tip #1: Make sure love is more than a feeling

At the beginning of the relationship, love is often felt in a powerful and exhilarating way. The Greeks recognized this kind of love and called it “eros.” A physical attraction combined with outward personality qualities sets off a spark of feelings as two people come together.

In his book, Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix puts forward the argument that people are attracted to those who have the outward qualities that represent someone who will meet all their unmet love needs. He also adds that we are prone to picking someone who has some of the negative qualities of those we love (often parents) in the hope that we can learn how to get love from a person who may be deficient in loving us as we want.

Hendrix theorizes that the attraction to overtly negative qualities is largely subconscious and has more to do with an innate desire for the wholeness that we may have experienced in our mother’s womb.

Time, however, is the great leveler. Marriage doesn’t always stay super exciting and fresh, and love tends to fade as we realize that not only is our spouse unable to meet all our needs, but they will also sometimes be a source of frustration to us.

Another Greek word for love is “agape.” This love is a pure and selfless love that gives itself away whether or not the love is reciprocated. This type of love is often associated with God – indeed, we see it attested to in the Scriptures.

In Matthew 16:18, we see this type of love in action between Jesus and Peter. Jesus gives him the name “Rock” prior to him becoming worthy of such a title. Still, Jesus had confidence in this man, as he knew he would be a rock of the church once he had experienced the full extent of God’s love through His sacrifice.

This is a fantastic model and message to apply to your marriage. Sacrificial love is about always believing the best for your partner, and loving them through their failures.

Don’t seek to focus on the weakest parts of your spouse, but instead commit yourself to building them up and encouraging them in their gifts and pursuits. Always show them grace, knowing that you are not perfect either! This must be done out of a deep understanding of the grace that God shows to us every single day. A belief in sacrificial and selfless love can only help your marriage.

Tip #2: Deal with your desires

Couples therapist, John Gottman, describes how marriages fail through what he coins the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

The common theme among all of these damaging behaviors is that they focus solely on keeping marital issues far from the emotional part of our inner-being. They are all defense mechanisms that fail to deal with the root issues.

In James 4:1-4, we read about a much deeper approach to solving relational conflicts. James explains how the root of all conflict is a frustrated relational desire due to one or both people refusing to nurture a healthy relationship with God.

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” – James 4:1

Often, fighting is simply a result of one partner just naming what they really want. This passage teaches us to submit our desires to God first and foremost.

This process helps us to take ownership of our issues instead of constantly putting them on other people. We must have faith in God to meet our needs. If we interact with our spouse out of a place of ultimate trust in the Lord, our discussions and disagreements will become much healthier.

We must always turn to God and let him fill up where we are lacking. We cannot constantly look to our spouses for this – that would be too much to expect. They are going to get it wrong much of the time. Of course, we can improve our behavior toward one another, but we are going to mess up. When we do, will we seek to trust in the Lord’s love, or will we go on the attack against our partner? We must pray at all times, harboring a passion for the Lord and asking for more of his grace when dealing with our marital issues.

Tip #3: Put your marriage first, second only to God

Marriage is a God-ordained ordinance. The Lord expects us to put everything into upholding and respecting this holy covenant and union with another person.

If you want to build a firm foundation in your marriage, you must learn to honor and commit yourself to loving your spouse unconditionally. Intimacy in marriage is critical. Set time aside to connect with your spouse on a deep physical and spiritual level.

Life is crazy busy. Work commitments, kids, financial concerns – there is a lot to deal with. Marriages can begin to resemble something of a business arrangement – a way of simply getting things done.

Kids can also become a distraction, or even a focal point for the discontented spouse to pour themselves into. When children come along, be careful not to neglect your marriage.

Take good care of your kids, show them love and spend quality time with them, but don’t forget about your husband or wife! When the kids have all left home, you don’t want to discover that the intimacy in your marriage has been left stagnant and subsequently died out. So, how can you make your marriages a priority?

Here are a few more practical tips to help save your marriage:

• Pray together daily
• Regularly share what you’re learning in your spiritual walk together
• Encourage your partner more than you criticize them
• Seek out opportunities to build confidence in your spouse, help them deal with insecurity
• Talk every day and plan regular date nights
• Read books and take advice regarding how to improve your marriage
• Discover a recreational activity that you both like doing together
• Stay far away from adultery!

If your marriage is struggling for air and nothing seems to be improving despite your best efforts, it may be time to seek professional help.

Tip #4: Be the change you want to see in your marriage

It is easy for unhealthy patterns of behavior to become embedded within your marriage. When you are married, your shortcomings no longer go unnoticed. They affect the other person, and may even have a damaging consequence on your relationship. For example, a husband may be very self-absorbed and focused on their own needs, leaving their wife feeling abandoned and alone.

Over time, the wife will begin to feel disrespected, disengaged and unhappy. When this happens, marital dysfunction reaches a new level, and you really are in a relational danger zone.

Depression may come, anger and frustration may be exhibited, and the idea of splitting up may be considered. The crucial issue becomes, “How do I change a dysfunctional pattern that has built up in my marriage?”

There are ways of fixing it. First, you must take responsibility for your actions and refuse to blame everything on the other person. If you are acting selfishly, you can change this. Sure, there may be elements of this behavior that are caused by your spouse’s behavior, but you cannot lump it all upon their shoulders. That is not fair. You must own your shortcomings. In all of this, you must both seek to be honest and open in dealing with your issues.

Second, both partners should seek to respect each other and must aim to show each other grace as they push forward in dealing with their marital issues. If there is an imbalance in the relationship, or if one side feels unjustifiably grieved, it may be time to seek out professional help.

How Christian Counseling Can Help Save Your Marriage

As Christians, it is important to know that there is always hope for your marriage. With the right professional help, we must always have faith that the Lord can save our relationships. Indeed, marriage is a beautiful reflection of God’s gracious love for us, and it is highly valued by the Lord himself. You must keep this firmly in mind as you go about working on your marital issues – God is fighting for both of you!

Proverbs 15:22 reads, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers, they succeed.” Bringing a neutral and professionally trained third party into your marriage can help relieve tension and will provide you with essential insights into the dysfunctional patterns that have developed in your relationship over time.

With the guiding hand of God, a trained Christian therapist will be able to help you save your marriage and move forward with your spouse into a refreshed season of love, joy, and marital fulfillment.

Getting marriage counseling isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign that you’re willing to invest in your marriage with the goals of achieving growth and a change for the better. Counseling allows for the pursuit of relational growth in a supportive context and a healthy structure for conversation.

Counseling offers a couple the chance to learn about each other’s thought life, personal history, and emotional worlds. It can give you tools and strategies for relating to one another, allowing you to forge a deeper connection, and opening both of you up to how the Lord might bring healing and direction into your marriage.

Counseling that takes place in a vacuum isn’t enough, however. There has to be a commitment to carry out what you’ve learned and to acton your new perspectives. This process is often encouraged by the use of “homework,” which is meant to help couples create new, healthier habits to foster intimacy.

3 Couples Counseling Techniques to Try at Home

Here are three couples counseling techniques that can be used as “homework” to help couples stay consistent with what they’ve learned in counseling sessions:

1) Emotional check-ins

The bond between spouses grows stronger when each offers the other focused attention. When we feel that someone is intentionally focusing on us, honing in on our feelings and wanting to communicate with us, we recognize that attention as love.

For focused attention to happen regularly, a structured habit should be formedof setting aside a particular time to focus on your spouse’s inner world and emotional state. The goal is for each spouse to feel heard and understood, leading to emotional closeness. These intentional moments can be referred to as emotional check-ins, heart check-ins, or connection times.

Couples should schedule uninterrupted time to talk and listen to each other from their hearts. This should be at a specified time and place, with a time limit (20-30 minutes is a good amount to start with), and each, in turn, should have a chance to share their current emotions and any relational needs.

One spouse should communicate his or her emotional condition, and the role of the other spouse is simply to listen well, interrupting only to clarify or mirror back what they’ve heard. Sometimes, a word list of feelings can help in communicating one’s emotional state at this point.

When the first spouse is finished, the other spouse should reflect back what they’ve heard and ask, “Is there anything you need from me regarding those feelings?”

This gives the spouse who has shared a chance to express his or her felt needs in the relationship. This allows each to consider and be aware of their own needs, as well as empathizing with their spouse’s emotions and desires, allowing both to feel loved, understood, and emotionally close.

2) Time-outs

In many relationships, one of the main goals of therapy is to teach healthy emotional self-regulation, including practices that can be used for self-soothing. The time-out tool is one such practice that is learned in the therapeutic settingbut is established outside that setting.

Sometimes during emotional check-ins or in the course of everyday life, one or both spouses may become frustrated. This is the time couples need a tool to de-escalate the situation and be able to clearly see the source of the frustration.

The practice of time-out can be used to de-escalate and gain clarity in a conflict situation. A time-out requires an agreed-upon decision to seek physical distance for the purpose of cooling down, but it implies the reassurance that the marriage and the discussion are still priorities.

This reassurance should take the form of a promise to come back and finish the conversation at a specified time. Used the right way, this tool can be highly beneficial for both spouses.

The best time to use a time-out is right when you notice a conversation beginning to take a turn for the worse. This way, hurtful interactions can be minimizedor avoided altogether. Time-outs are meant to build trust between spouses. This happens in two ways.

The first way time-outs build trust is that each spouse takes ownership of his or her own frustration or anger, and seeks de-escalation in a healthy and non-destructive way. The second way is by a spouse keeping his or her word to return to the conversation at the promised time.

The goal of time-outs is to teach healthy emotional regulation, foster emotional intimacy, and reassure each spouse of their importance to the other. The more often a time-out is initiated, the more beneficial this tool can be to a marriage.

3) Praying together

For couples who want to forge a deeper spiritual bond, the practice of praying together for each other and about their marriage can be a powerful homework assignment.

Prayer and humility are inextricably intertwined since prayer is simply crying out to God for help. Throughout the Bible, God calls believers to prayer, yet due to our pride, feelings of inadequacy, and even spiritual opposition, we often have difficulty with this discipline, especially in the presence of our spouse. However, typically, couples who pray together do tend to stay together.

The above are three examples of assignments often given to Christian couples in counseling sessions. These assignments are, of course, voluntary, and their effectiveness depends on the willingness of each spouse to commit to them.

If you and your spouse are interested in improving your marriage with couples counseling, please contact a counselor today.