On Mates and Marriages: Navigating Conflict and Life as a Team
We have an enemy who leverages assault against all that God has created and approved. It may not surprise us that Satan opposes the image of God, in us as individuals, couples, families, and communities. We see the enemy launch divisive attacks on marriage generally, but we feel it when it seeks to dissolve our particular marital bond. Jesus, however, came to give us an abundant life in every area, including our marriages (John 10:10).
Trouble will present in the paradise we imagined marriage to be. Simply stated, our marital challenges will sometimes look like problems with one another. We may legitimately have issues that we need to work through, as any imperfect human and couple would in the process of becoming one (Mark 10:6-8). Yet, God still created our union to provide Eden-like pleasure and refreshment, with Him at the center.
If we peer through scripture’s lens, we will notice where the enemy operates through interpersonal challenges to shift perspective and pit us against each other (Ephesians 6:12). Conflicts will surface. Jesus warned that we would experience a variety of challenges in our earthly life (John 16:33). The Savior’s words encourage us to embrace the triumph He has secured on our behalf, despite the presence of trials (1 Corinthians 15:57).
With the Holy Spirit, however, there is always more to see than what meets the eye (John 16:13-14; Isaiah 11:2). We can look again, recognizing that God is working through our circumstances to produce spiritual fruit and build testimony. He can accomplish greater outcomes than we could imagine for ourselves, our mates, or our marriage.
As we encounter conflicts or endure difficult circumstances, our attitude has the power to enhance or eclipse the life God has designed and desired for us. Renewing our minds about our mates and marriages can help us pivot in a fresh direction. When we reframe our view, we can align our beliefs with what God wants. We also transform our behavior and discover greater dimensions of fellowship and intimacy.
With the Holy Spirit, we can submit the attitudes and perspectives that may be hampering our communication and connection with our spouse. While it may require our time, effort, and perhaps professional counseling, a couple can transcend from preoccupation with problems and antagonism to seeking and discovering solutions and embracing adventure.
No longer do we have to remain loyal to presumptions. Instead, we can exchange it for trust that the Holy Spirit is operating through our marital conflict, challenge, and circumstance to showcase the Lord’s glory (2 Corinthians 4:17).
Next steps.
Walking through marital conflict can be disheartening. Although the current conditions may not resemble all you envisioned, trust that God is at work in unlikely circumstances. As you endure this part of life’s experience, realize that the Spirit of the Lord has equipped you and your mate to see goodness as you work, live, and play.
Reach out to us today to schedule an individual or couple’s counseling appointment with a professional counselor through this site. This will support you and offer strategies that will heal and strengthen your marriage. With the Lord’s help, navigating conflict and life together as a team is possible.
“Good Morning”, Courtesy of cottonbro studio, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Disagreement”, Courtesy of Timur Weber, Pexels.com, CC0 License
One of the leading causes of arguments among married couples is finances. That may not sound very romantic to talk about as you plan your wedding but it is important. If you want to minimize arguments, disagreements, and an area of strife that could lead to divorce, discussing financial questions in premarital counseling is essential.
Regardless of whether you have been married for one year or twenty years, relationships thrive when they are intentional. Relationships will never be perfect, they are about loving one another and serving one another through imperfections and stagnant seasons of disconnect and chaos. They are about getting to know who your marriage partner really is at their very core through the struggles and the triumphs.
2. Pray for your spouse.
In a world that is constantly saying “I need more from you,” make it your mission to serve your spouse first. Do not wait until they do something to show their appreciation for you. Do not wait until their birthday, anniversary, or Mother’s Day/Father’s Day. Serve your spouse like Jesus served others – not to receive something in return, but because His heart was focused on true, genuine, sacrificial love.
Aside from investing in conversations, choose to invest in your communication skills. Listen to your spouse. Do not listen to argue or make a point – really listen to them. Study their body language. Study your body language. Choose to listen to your tone when conversing and ensure it is not setting a demeaning tone.
Few decisions in our lives shoulder the weight of success or sabotage like matters of the heart. While our choice to follow Christ is the most significant choice that impacts all others, who we link with in dating or in marriage, polarizes our path. It either fuels us in fulfilling God’s purpose for our lives or frustrates us in walking toward destiny.
God, who is Beginning and End, has ordained our life to reflect His glory on earth (Revelation 1:8). He wants you to see the wonder of His image in you. As you pray, ask Him to harmonize your ideas and plans with His. Pay attention to the wisdom of the Scriptures as you form plans and goals that maximize your gifts and align with His purpose.
However, walking in agreement, that is aligned with Jesus and not in step with the world, is foundational to establishing a dating partnership and eventual marriage. While the external person initially attracts, the internal is integral to what nurtures a marital covenant over the long term.
Having gone through the dating ordeal and confirmed your intentions for one another, talking about premarital counseling seems like putting one last obstacle in your way just before the finish line. Do you need premarital counseling, or is it something for people who aren’t sure about what they want?
Sex is a huge part of the physical and emotional connection between a couple. Questions will have to be answered about each person’s expectations about sex. How frequently does one expect it? What are the boundaries you’re establishing about sexual intimacy? These and other questions must be asked to ensure that this aspect of their lives is also addressed.
The marriage lie is the idea that marriage will fix the problems in your relationships. These problems can be financial, relational, in-laws, career – the list goes on and on. It doesn’t matter what the problem is, if you think marriage is the solution, you are mistaken. In fact, marriage often times intensifies the conflict. For the sake of this article, we will only discuss the issue of communication and how to become a better communicator.
Finally, recognizing the patterns in your marriage is key. Marital problems don’t appear overnight. They take time to grow and develop. Once you’ve considered your own style of communication and how your family communicated, it’s time to look at the details of how you and your spouse are communicating.
There are three C’s that we will be covering today: Compatibility, Compromising, and the most powerful one, Complimentary. These three stages of relationship maturity can help put some perspective to see where you are at in your marriage to see what is next for us to move on.
By now I’m sure you see that these issues can slowly begin to turn a marriage into a rusty and withered relationship. How can compatibility save your marriage? This can save your marriage because you can talk to your spouse about how both of you had a great start but how you need to move forward. The start needs to be celebrated. Reflect on the enjoyable times you had together which will help you both to bond again.
A positive tone will help a lot with communication because it can win someone over. The main issue with the stage of compromise is that it can take you far but not all the way. It’s great to compromise however, one spouse may get burned out if they don’t have the constant refreshment.
Think about that vision for a moment. Both spouses work together to help elevate each other. What kind of marriage do you think they’ll have? It won’t be just a surviving marriage; it will be a thriving marriage! This is the secret to saving your marriage. Both of you must sit down, most likely with another couple, and process this vision to help both learn to inspire each other. This cannot be done alone. Both partners must work together so both of you can prosper.
It is better to have important and life-shaping conversations before you vow to spend your lives together. These conversations can help you discover any red flags or draw you closer to one another as you prepare to spend your lives together, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health.
It is important to talk through commitment and what it means to each of you. Once you walk down the aisle and vow to spend your lives together, does that mean through thick and thin? Does that mean you vow to keep working even when you feel disconnected and distant from one another? What does that mean when one of you gets a job offer in a different place? Take time to talk through marriage commitment and why you were drawn to your significant other.
Some couples wait until years into their marriage to talk about their hopes and dreams for a family. To avoid miscommunication in the future, it is helpful to just talk through what you pray for someday. Do you hope to have children? Are you wanting a big family or a small family?
We delight to connect with others, to know and be known and loved by others. In our relationships, we make ourselves vulnerable, build networks of mutual dependence and build parts of our lives based on those relationships.
Part of trying to address a broken relationship is to understand why it broke down in the first place and to do the challenging work that may be needed to change. It may be that in trying to understand what happened, you may uncover a misunderstanding and that gets things back on track.
In other words, it can get complicated, but being willing to examine ourselves and apologize may be a necessary precursor to reestablishing the relationship. This doesn’t mean backtracking and dismissing what was said but acknowledging the pain that may have been caused or boundaries traversed.
When a relationship is broken, both parties may agree that things went wrong, and that the situation needs to be resolved. When things go awry in a relationship, the sense of trust and vulnerability may be broken, and you become a bit more wary of one another. A relationship, even one that the people in it are willing to work at, doesn’t just snap back to what it was before the issue arose.
When God created us, we were fashioned in God’s image: “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27). God, who is eternally Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, is deeply and inextricably relational.
Reflecting on marriage while writing to the Christians in Ephesus, the apostle Paul recalls what was said in Genesis 2 and reminds them that when two people get married, something monumental takes place – the two become one flesh. But then he drops the bombshell that human marriage is an echo of the relationship that Jesus has with his people. This is a “profound mystery”, he writes (Ephesians 5:32).
This was written before the advent of the electric blanket, but the point is well-taken. Having someone to share life and a bed with is pleasant. Many married couples can attest to the joy of having someone to pre-warm the bed and snuggle up to, and how the input of their partner has helped them to make a better life and business decisions.
The birth of children can change our priorities; the loss of a job can drastically change how you perceive yourself; meeting new people or reading new books can shift our views on politics or other areas of life. In all this, rather than growing apart, a couple can share in one another’s journey so they grow together.