Rebuilding Your Relationship with the Church: Healing Through Healthy Attachment Styles

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For many people, church used to feel like home. A place to grow, connect, and find peace. If that connection breaks, through hurt, neglect, or confusion, it’s hard to know where to turn. You might still believe in God, but feel unsure about people.

Maybe you felt judged or felt you were ignored when you needed support. Maybe you gave everything and still felt empty. These experiences can start to shape how you relate to faith, people, and even God.

If you’ve already pulled away from church, or have stayed but feel disconnected, it’s worth asking why. Not just what happened, but what it made you feel. You might miss the community, but still feel guarded. Underneath it all, you may be carrying emotional patterns that make it hard to trust again, both in your personal life and in the church. That’s why understanding your healthy attachment style is important.

What Is a Healthy Attachment Style?

Attachment isn’t just about childhood or romantic relationships. It affects how we connect with any group or authority figure, including our church communities. If your early relationships taught you that love was conditional or that you had to perform to be accepted, those patterns may still be playing out in your spiritual life.

When attachment is unhealthy, church can feel like a place where you’re constantly trying to earn approval. You may feel anxious when you miss a service or guilty for not volunteering enough. You may avoid deeper relationships because you’re afraid of being hurt again. Or you may stay silent about your doubts because you think they’ll make you seem weak.

These patterns don’t mean you’re doing faith wrong. They mean you’ve been hurt. Healing starts by recognizing that your spiritual pain is tied to emotional scars, not just theology or doctrine.

A healthy attachment style means you feel safe being yourself in relationships. You’re able to connect without fear of rejection, express needs without guilt, and set boundaries without shame. In church life, this means:

  • Feeling free to ask questions or share doubts
  • Trusting others without needing constant reassurance
  • Giving and receiving support without feeling used or overlooked

It means being part of a community where you feel respected, heard, and valued, not just useful.

If you’ve been hurt in church, it’s easy to blame yourself or assume you’re just not spiritual enough. But many people carry emotional wounds that quietly shape how they relate to faith and community.

How Unhealthy Attachment Affects Your Faith Experience

When that unhealthy attachment may be affecting your spiritual life, you may feel:

  • Anxious when you miss church or don’t volunteer enough
  • Guilty for setting boundaries or saying no
  • Afraid to speak up about doubts or past hurts
  • Distant from others, even when you’re physically present

Why Church Hurt Feels So Personal

Church isn’t just a social group. For many, it’s tied to identity, family, and purpose. When things go wrong, when leaders disappoint, or when the community feels conditional, it hurts. You may feel confused about what’s spiritual and what’s emotional and wonder if you’re overreacting or being sensitive. Remember, emotional pain is real regardless of where you experience it.

A healthy attachment style helps you separate spiritual truth from relational harm. It helps you rebuild trust without losing yourself. It helps you find peace, not by pretending everything’s fine, but by facing what’s been broken and choosing to heal.

Steps Toward Healing and Reconnection

Rebuilding your relationship with your church doesn’t mean going back to the way things were. It means learning what safety and trust feel like again. It means finding people who respect your boundaries and honor your story. It means giving yourself permission to ask for help.

Start with these steps:

  1. Identify what hurt you: not to blame, but to understand
  2. Learn about your attachment style: how you naturally connect, protect, and respond
  3. Seek safe relationships: people who respect your boundaries and honor your story

The key to healing isn’t just finding the right church. It’s understanding how your past shaped your expectations and reactions. Once you see those patterns clearly, you’ll be able to make choices that feel peaceful and grounded. You’ll stop chasing approval and start building connections.

Christian counseling is one way to start. A counselor trained in both attachment theory and faith-based care can help you understand your emotional patterns and how they affect your spiritual life.

Call the numbers listed here or book with one of the Christian counselors on the site. They’re here to help you bring balance back to your personal and spiritual life. They’ll walk with you as you learn to build healthier relationships with yourself, with others, and with God.

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Unshelving Hope: Anxiety, Personal Development, and Summoning the Courage to Dream Again

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We don’t have to wait for a special time of year to generate the momentum to craft new goals. If we want to change a habit that supports our ultimate vision, we can resume our personal development journey from where we are with the Lord’s help. For additional guidance and support, Newport Beach Christian Counseling can provide the encouragement needed to help you stay on track with your goals.

The One who fashioned us has equipped us to do with Him what we otherwise couldn’t do on our own. Through the voice of Isaiah, a significant Old Testament prophet, God encourages us to forget the old. In difficulty and dry places, The Father promises that newness will suddenly emerge (Isaiah 43:18-19).

At some point, God’s people had to stop looking at the old and make room in their hearts and expect to encounter the Lord in fresh ways. It doesn’t appear only in the Old Testament, but also in the New, where Jesus taught about pouring new wine into old wineskins (Mark 2:22).

Sometimes, we seek new experiences, yet we cling to old mindsets that cannot reasonably support the growth and expansion of what is fresh and developing. To advance our personal development, we need the power of God to spark the change that begins internally and flows externally to people and places around us.

Everything left in our past (old wine) may not necessarily be “bad,” but loyalty to our experience over faithfulness to the new wine of the Holy Spirit will restrict what the Alpha and Omega desires to launch and complete in us.

We tend to attach fear and anxiety to the unknown. It isn’t that we won’t experience discomfort or occasional apprehension. Yet, we don’t have to be controlled by the spirit of fear.

Anxiety seeks to control what we don’t know by recycling intrusive thoughts and obsessions. However, embracing God’s power, love, and self-control transplants us from abiding in the restlessness and agitation that anxiety produces (2 Timothy 1:7 ESV). We can opt into different choices that surrender the illusion of control, by continually submitting our hearts, minds, and the details we don’t know to the all-knowing God who does.

We can form healthy habits of the heart that support the newness that God desires to produce in and through us. Sometimes, we become weary in the wilderness, that is, in between what we desire to see and where we started. Motivation itself isn’t often enough to create lasting change in our personal development. Thankfully, the Lord has placed resources at our disposal that provide enough structure to support a substantial dream.

Whether or not we use those tools directly with Him, on our own, or in partnership with others, the Holy Spirit remains present to guide us into our future and the fulfillment of promises.

Be Grateful

While we don’t live in the past, remembering what God has done arms us against despair. This encourages us and boosts our faith when anxiety’s dark clouds hover.

Creating a gratitude practice is an intentional action that refocuses us on God’s limitless ability, despite present circumstances. It has the added benefit of stilling worry and anxiety associated with the uncertainty. We might find ourselves tempted to complain, mutter words of doubt, or remain agitated in fear about what God hasn’t revealed, yet we must deliberately look up and ahead.

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:21-23 ESV

Whatever God has planned is better than what remains in the past. The children of Israel murmured against Moses about the leeks and cucumbers they left in Egypt, but Canaan, their Promised Land was waiting. In their future, the land of milk and honey, a fruitful land, promised to be better than what they remembered about Egyptian captivity.

“‘The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,’ says the Lord Almighty. ‘And in this place I will grant peace,’ declares the Lord Almighty.” Haggai 2:9 NIV

It could be easy to camp out on past failures or successes, no matter how good, but when we turn our face toward the future that the Lord has planned, it renews hope for encountering another facet of the Father’s heart. God doesn’t make empty promises, so if the Holy Spirit has instructed us to look up or ahead, there is not only grace for it but also something He wants us to be ready to see.

Be Open

When we begin walking toward our goals and incorporating new habits, our preparation demonstrates faith in Him over our fears and anxiety. We aim our efforts and attention, much like an arrow, to strike targets in the direction of our destiny.

Clearing mental and emotional clutter releases what served a previous environment or season but won’t work in the new setting. As we learn to live with a mind that’s opened to dream with God, a heart to desire with God, and hands to do with God, we carve a welcome space for the Lord to manifest His Will on the earth.

Not only will our personal development accelerate through the fruit of goals and improved habits, but we will experience a greater dimension of the God who exceeds and abounds beyond what we ask, think, or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

Be Clear 

And the Lord answered me: “Write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it. For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay. Habakkuk 2:2-3 ESV

Write the vision that God has begun to script in your heart. Sit with the Holy Spirit to hear Him clearly, even as your dreams resurface. You don’t have to fear what you see, as God is the One who has populated your heart with its unique desires (Psalm 37:4). He has the power to bring them forward and into fruition. So, be bold and creative. Identify what you want to see evolve in your life and embrace the Lord’s timing to partner with Him as it unfolds.

Use this power of visualizing by creating pictures that support your brain’s capacity to think and your mind’s ability to envision. Connect words or images that illustrate your vision in a place where you can intentionally refer to it, consistently gathering inspiration and encouragement. This practical step reinforces faith in what seems impossible.

When you don’t feel inspired or hopeful, building a habit around visualizing God’s promise, aligns and applies Scripture’s power and principles to your prayers and plans. Acting in faith before you see manifestation cultivates spiritual sustainability and stirs the courage to keep dreaming with God in the wilderness and through the waiting.

Be Diligent

Anything worth having will require an investment, whether spiritual or practical. It is important that we not only spend time with the Lord, assessing what the work will require of us in our personal development journey (Luke 14:28). We must also receive the grace that will sustain and strengthen us as we apply our natural aptitudes and spiritual abilities to our current assignment.

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, Colossians 3:23 NIV

Scripture admonishes us to work willingly with our hands and to do everything as unto the Lord. While we may be tempted to disengage when the process becomes difficult, we can invite the Holy Spirit to bring times of refreshing, rest and renew us in hope, and refuel us for Jesus’ ultimate and eternal purpose (Acts 3:19).

Next Steps

While you may have experienced a variety of challenges that shelved your hope, it is possible to overcome the anxiety that may have stalled your personal development. Seek counseling resources from Newport Beach Christian Counseling and schedule with a professional for the support you need.

The Lord may be awakening you now to engage with the reality of dreaming and doing with Him. Commit to meeting with your counselor so you can embrace the courage to dream and experience the fullness you were created to enjoy with the Lord.

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7 Ways to Cure Emotional Exhaustion

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Stress is a natural part of life. No matter how hard a person tries, it is almost impossible to avoid all stress. Social media and technology fuel our technologically advanced world; technology was meant to improve our lives and make things more efficient. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers tools and support to help you manage stress and find balance in this fast-paced, tech-driven world.

However, technology has allotted us so much time that we fit too much into our day and our minds get overly stimulated. Cell phones also add to our stress because we are constantly online and available. Whether scrolling through a social media feed, texting a friend, or looking at the Internet to find a bargain, our minds are constantly stimulated with information.

This stimulation causes cortisol levels to rise in our bodies, causing us undue stress and perhaps anxiety. Cortisol levels that are elevated for long periods can cause mental and emotional strain on our bodies. If you are on the go for too long without giving yourself adequate time for rest, you are vulnerable to emotional exhaustion. The symptoms of emotional exhaustion may be hard to pinpoint.

Some of the symptoms of emotional exhaustion can include (but not limited to):

  • Increased sadness.
  • Irritability.
  • Anxiety.
  • Inability to sleep.
  • Poor diet choices.
  • Failure to thrive in relationships.

Seven Means of Addressing Emotional Exhaustion

It is possible to cure emotional exhaustion. Here are some methods to consider:

Unplug from screens

The human body is made to lower its cortisol levels naturally. But it’s impossible to do that when our minds and bodies are stimulated by television, computers, and phone screens. Limit the amount of time you watch the screen. This adjustment may be a slight change in your lifestyle, but it could also mean a significant change in your health. A person may use their phone, computer, and television more often than they should and not even realize it.

A person’s eyes, ears, and brain were not made to receive information constantly. Just like your physical body, the brain needs rest. Limit screen time to work for an hour on the phone or television in the evening only. Unplug the rest of the time. If a person finds this problematic, they may be addicted to their screens.

Rest

Allow the body time to rest. Take sixty minutes each day when you normally look at a screen and get into a dark, cool room. Place a cold washcloth or sleep mask over your eyes. Listen to the sound of your breathing. Take deep breaths for sixty minutes. Try not to sleep (don’t fight it if you must sleep). Catching up on physical rest may be a way for your body to restore its cortisol levels.

Remove toxic people

Although this may be difficult, it may be time to take inventory of your friendships. Are there people in your life that drain you emotionally? These may be people who only reach out to you when they need something, take more than they give, or talk about you behind your back.

Start with social media. Go through your friends list and delete anyone who is not interacting with your social media feed. You may find you have extra friends on your list who are not friends.

Next, go through your phone and find people you contact often. Are they all people who you would consider friends? If a person is presented as a good friend, keep them. If a person has not been a good friend, delete them. Be honest if the person reaches out to you and asks why you have not contacted them.

Let them know the friendship is just not working out. You may get some backlash from the person who’s angry that you terminated the friendship but count the cost. You may not have lost much in the end.

Limit draining conversations

You may have some people in your life who would like to process their issues and pain with you. While this can be helpful, you can’t be everyone’s counselor. Draw boundaries and let a person know you cannot talk with them about their issues or pain anymore.

As a friend, you may be carrying their burden for them. But this is not healthy for you or the friendship. Tell a person they can tell you about their day or how they’re doing in ten minutes or less. Tell them that you’ll switch the subject to something more lighthearted. This is good for your emotional state because you won’t be carrying another person’s burden for them.

Work less

While this may not be ideal for everyone, if work stresses you out too much, find a way to work smarter, not harder. Is it necessary to work forty hours? Can you be more efficient so you’re not working so hard throughout the week?

Discover new ways to work less and enjoy life more. Work can give us a great sense of purpose and worth, but it also can be emotionally draining. The adrenal glands, which are the control center for stress and anxiety, can get overly taxed if overused for too long. The more time you spend on creative activities and friendships, the happier you’ll be.

Get creative

People were made to create. If you are creative, find a way to unlock that creative potential again. Find outlets that make you happy. For example, if you are not a painter but love to work with paint, find a paint-by-number kit or canvas that already has a picture on it. This creative solution will save you time from having to think of something to draw, but you also won’t have to worry about being perfect. The point is to be creative.

Connect with God

On the whole, Christians don’t spend nearly enough time with God. Due to an overly packed schedule, most Christians spend 20 minutes to 1/2 hour each day in time with the Lord. While this is important and a great start, strive to spend more time connecting with God. Go to a solitary place, get alone, and ask the Lord to speak.

Listen for God’s still, small voice. Listening to God’s voice and obeying Him throughout the day is an incredible skill that will grow you spiritually and allow you to replenish yourself emotionally.

The more time you spend with God, the more you’ll want to talk to Him about the issues in your life. This time with God may cause you to release grief through tears or rage. These are two great ways to release your emotions naturally.

Take your issues to God and allow Him to carry them. The more comfortable you become spending time with God, the more you will be able to release the big emotions weighing you down. Just like on the cross, allow Jesus to carry your burdens with Him and intercede on your behalf. The act of giving up casting your cares to the Lord alone will help you replenish yourself through emotional exhaustion.

Next Steps

Emotional exhaustion is more common than people think. But by trying the suggestions above, you will do your physical body and spirit a great service and ensure your emotional state is as healthy as possible. These changes will help you become a better human being and a Christian.

Sometimes we need a counselor to help us see our way through emotional exhaustion and the causes of it. If you would like the help of one of our Christian counselors, don’t hesitate to contact Newport Beach Christian Counseling today.

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Counseling and Help for Helping Professionals

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Being in the helping profession can be a fulfilling journey. These are the people who meet us at our most vulnerable times and offer to help. It can be a teacher in a class or a first responder coming to the scene of an accident. When we talk of those in the helping professions, they cover many categories. Below is a list of some of them:

  • Emergency services (First Responders, ambulance drivers, disaster relief workers, firefighters, police services)
  • Mental health and counseling services (Counselors, mental health advocates, psychologists)
  • Health Care Professionals (Nurses, doctors, EMTs, Midwives, etc.)
  • Non-Governmental Organization professionals
  • Social Services (Hospice workers, child welfare workers, domestic violence advocates)
  • Spiritual and Religious leaders (priests, Pastors, Rabbis, Imams)
  • Educational Services (Teachers, Lecturers, Professors, School Counselors)
  • Legal Services (Judges, Attorneys, Public Defenders, Mediators etc.)

Though the work they do is valuable and serves a great need in society, it comes with unique challenges and stressors. Constantly being there for others can be emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. The impact of these stressors can have a huge impact if not addressed in time. Due to the nature of the work those in the helping profession do, they rarely think of themselves as the ones needing help. This is why organizations and companies that employ those in the helping professions need to have strong Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs) available. These programs can provide essential support for individuals in the helping professions, ensuring they have access to resources like Newport Beach Christian Counseling to address their own emotional and mental health needs.

Common Stressors for Helping Professionals

These programs can assist with some of the stressors that come with helping professions like the ones below:

Burnout

Many in the helping professions must deal with high workloads with few staff and resources to help them out. The fact that they also work long hours at a time can contribute to burnout. This is when the body experiences extreme levels of deep exhaustion. Burnout is common for those who are in the helping professions.

Spillover into personal life

Trying to gain a balance between life and work can be difficult for those in the helping profession. Not only is it the long hours that hinder the ability to attend to other aspects of life, it’s just that the work can also be all-consuming. Struggling to “switch off” when one gets home is a common complaint. This can have a huge impact on the person’s relationships and general well-being.

Compassion Fatigue

Being in the profession of helping others can cause compassion fatigue. This is the impact that helping has on individuals. It can be emotional, mental, or physical. Compassion fatigue causes those who are going through it to be unwilling and unable to care for others. There is a level of disinterest in the welfare of others due to constant exposure to trauma and suffering.

Secondary or Vicarious Trauma

Vicarious trauma happens when those in the helping professions witness or hear about their client’s or patient’s trauma and they take it upon themselves. This is not voluntary but can manifest itself through intrusive thoughts or nightmares. Unfortunately, those in the helping professions are constantly being exposed to the trauma of others and sometimes without adequate support.

Grief and Loss

An unfortunate reality for those in the helping professions, especially those in the healthcare industry, is that they will experience the death of their patients. This can be emotionally challenging and lead to dealing with grief and loss constantly.

Mental Health Issues

PTSD, depression, and anxiety are some common mental health issues experienced by those in the helping professions. The work they do is emotionally taxing meaning without adequate support they could struggle mentally.

Physical Health problems

Physical health issues are a reality for those who work in the healthcare industry. During the COVID-19 pandemic, they were on the front line and therefore more at risk for contracting the virus themselves. Those in the health profession are also more at risk of physical harm as they carry and attend to those in distress.

Help For the Helpers

As essential as the work done by those in the helping professions is, questions need to be asked by organizations and society about what sort of help and support can be offered. Being in a helping profession means that there needs to be a huge emphasis on self-care, organizational support, and seeking professional help when needed.

Being able to take care of oneself is important when in the helping profession. This does not mean a person is being selfish but making sure that they are healthy enough to carry out their duties. Self-care can be achieved by taking care of the physical body, making sure one gets enough exercise, eats right, gets enough sleep, and seeking professional or medical help when they are not well. Taking time to be involved in one’s favorite hobbies and building relationships ensures that individuals are allowing themselves to unplug from their work and care for other aspects of their lives. Relationships are important as they provide the much-needed social support that those in the helping professions need. Being part of a loving and vibrant church community can offer these relationships and support.

A huge part of self-care is the ability for one to have boundaries. This must be both in their professional and personal world. Having boundaries will guard against being burnt out and suffering from compassion fatigue. As much as it is within one’s power, they might need to cut down on shifts at work or limit their church and family commitments so that they are not overstretched. Part of having boundaries can also come in the form of carving out time for prayer and meditation. This is the time one can give themselves to just be still, rest, and commune with God.

Organizational support is also important for those in the helping professions. This can come in the form of Employee Assistance Programs that cater to the unique needs of the profession. Companies and organizations can run seminars and training courses that address any of the risks that are posed. Organizations can also provide career counseling and coaching services to their employees, so they are kept up to date with the changes in their profession, thus reducing the risks of stress in the workplace. Personalized supervision and consultations can also be provided for employees so that they have superiors they can rely on to give direction and guidance.

Professional help for those in the helping professions can come in the form of psychological, psychiatric, or medical help. Due to the dangers posed on individuals due to the stressors they go through daily, access to the above should be made available. Those in the helping professions might struggle with PTSD, Vicarious Trauma, depression, anxiety, physical injuries, and grief. These require professional help. This is in the form of individual counseling, specialized trauma therapy, support groups, and medical and psychiatric interventions. Due to the high-stress nature of helping professionals, greater importance needs to be placed on supporting them and providing them with the necessary resources. Resources need to be available for those who might need regular medical check-ups due to the nature of their work.

All this does not mean that all those in the helping profession are struggling. Most of these challenges have been mitigated by organizations and companies that set up appropriate services for the welfare of their employees. With adequate support, it can be a fulfilling journey to be in any of these professions as long as individuals prioritize self-care and make use of the support structures available to them.

Reach Out for Support

Being in the helping profession can be isolating and sometimes difficult to deal with. If you find you are struggling because of your work and need help and guidance, please reach out to our offices at Newport Beach Christian Counseling. There are trained Therapists who are ready to provide a safe and confidential environment for you to work through any work-related concerns.

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Grieving and Making Use of Prayers of Lament

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Grief and loss come to us all at one point or another in our lives. In those moments, we can find ourselves struggling and without the words to express the deep and complicated emotions and thoughts we’re experiencing. Holding your grief and honoring that experience on one hand, while holding onto trust and hope in the other, can be difficult. This is where prayers of lament can be helpful.

When you’re grieving, you are trying to process loss in your life. Grief is a natural response to loss, and it’s important to allow yourself the time and space to grieve. Using the prayers of lament from Scripture is one way to process and express your grief. If you’re struggling with this process, Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers support and guidance in navigating grief, helping you find comfort and healing during such a difficult time.

The various causes of grief

Loss can happen in a variety of ways. We often think of death, but it applies to many things. We form emotional attachments to other people, things, and places, and they become part of our everyday life. You could even say that they help shape who we are, and so when we lose those things, it affects us in profound ways. These connections and attachments can be broken or disrupted in numerous ways.

The kinds of loss that can induce grief include the loss of a relationship through the death of a loved one, a bad breakup, or a divorce. Loss also occurs when you experience significant failure, a cherished dream gets shattered, or when a loved or deeply respected person betrays you or lets you down. When you move away from your childhood home or the community that has nurtured you, that can also fuel a sense of loss.

Grief can come in various guises, and it is connected to the loss you’ve experienced. For instance, if you lose a loved one due to a natural disaster, an accident, or through some form of violence, which can lead to trauma and traumatic grief.

This type of grief involves losses that happen under horrific or unpredictable circumstances. Grief can also be anticipatory, in that the loss hasn’t yet occurred, but the feelings of loss and grief set in, in anticipation of loss. Grief can thus be complicated.

Allowing prayers of lament to be part of your grief

The process of grieving is unique to each person, and how they make sense of their loss won’t look the same as it does for another person. You may have heard of the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages don’t delineate a straightforward process that runs in order, and when you get to the other side of it, you’re done grieving. Rather, it indicates the kinds of emotions you may experience along the way.

Scripture offers many prayers to address grief in its many forms. One of the kinds of prayers in the Bible is lament. This sort of prayer can be helpful when a person is grieving. A lament is an honest, raw expression of our sorrows that’s directed toward God. It is an expression of your pain and a way to mourn loss. A sizable portion of the Psalms is made up of laments in various contexts.

Many people who follow Jesus assume that they can or should only pray happy prayers, or prayers that are full of hope. This often means that in practice they feel the need to suppress feelings of angst, sorrow, pain, distress, anger, depression, and more. Jesus, while He was on the cross, quoted from one of the Psalms of lament, Psalm 22, when he said, “My God, why have you forsaken me?” (Psalm 22:1, Matthew 27:46, NIV).

It’s okay for a believer to feel sorrow and grief, to experience a sense of abandonment. Jesus, and the rest of the Psalms, show us the way. Those feelings can be directed at God and addressed to Him. The Lord is big enough to handle our most complex and painful emotions and experiences. The Psalms show us how to hold our grief and thankfulness in tension, as in Psalms 13, for instance:

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?… But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me. – Psalm 13:1-2, 5-6, NIV

You can tell God how you honestly feel, knowing that the heavenly Father welcomes you and wants to hear from His children. This is one Psalm, but we don’t know how long it took David to move from the emotions of the first verses to the utterances of hope and gratitude in the last verses. It can take time. You don’t have to rush toward expressing gratitude, but you can trust that you’ll get there. In the meantime, you can be honest with God about your grief.

Reaching for help

The psalms of lament can help to give us the language as well as permission to take our grief to God. Likewise, you can also talk with a grief counselor who can help you to process your grief and make sense of your experiences. Reach out to our office today at Newport Beach Christian Counseling in California and we will schedule an appointment for you with a qualified therapist who will help you to cope with your loss.

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How to Deal with Guilt and Not Feeling Good Enough

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Sometimes in life, you swing big, and you miss. That’s okay because without taking risks, we wouldn’t be able to accomplish meaningful things. When things don’t go the way you anticipate, however, it can be unhelpful to internalize that failure and tell yourself that you are a failure. Yes, we can fail, but at other times we succeed, and the risks we take pay off. Who you are as a person, and the value you possess goes far deeper than your failures, successes, or guilt.

Guilt is a feeling of unease or unhappiness that settles on you when you feel that you’ve done something immoral or wrong. Persistent feelings of guilt can end up shaping how you perceive yourself. You can end up feeling as though you haven’t only done something wrong and feel bad about it, but that you yourself are bad. It’s important to know how best to deal with these feelings. Seeking guidance from a professional, such as Newport Beach Christian Counseling, can provide valuable insights and support to help manage guilt in a healthy way.

The roots of guilt and not feeling good enough

Feeling guilty and not feeling good enough often derive from the same root. When there is a standard of conduct that one has failed to attain, that sense of failure is what causes the unease or distress we often call guilt. That standard may be derived from one’s family, surrounding culture, or from one’s spiritual formation. Failing to meet that standard may also make one feel as though they aren’t good enough.

While a person can feel guilty or not good enough for various reasons, it’s also possible that they can feel these things unnecessarily or excessively. A person can irrationally feel responsible for something that is outside of their control, or that wasn’t their fault. This is known as false guilt.

This can be the result of:

  • Holding onto unattainable and unrealistic standards or expectations.
  • Taking on way too much responsibility for the actions of others.
  • Deeply internalizing unfair or unrealistic familial or societal expectations.
  • Misinterpreting a situation by mistaking or misattributing causes and effects.
  • Constant negative self-talk that induces a sense of guilt.
  • A lack of self-compassion.
  • Past traumatic experiences.

This can have many negative consequences in a person’s life such as self-doubt, anxiety, depression, and stunting personal growth. Thus, false guilt can create an unhealthy sense of self as well as affect a person’s mental and emotional health. Recognizing and addressing false and other forms of guilt helps promote well-being.

How to deal with guilt

Guilt has its place in our lives because it helps us be aware that we’ve done something that we shouldn’t have done, or not done something that we ought to have done. This gap between our actions and our ideals can drive us to act to rectify the deficiency. To address your guilt, the best way is to act, by seeking to undo what was done, to try and make amends, as well as to apologize for any harm caused.

Handling guilt can be difficult because it requires you to come face to face with your inability to meet a certain standard. There are healthy ways to deal with guilt, as well as unhealthy ways to address it. Some of the healthy ways to work through your feelings of guilt include the following:

Acknowledge your feelings

Instead of trying to pretend that you aren’t distressed or that there’s no reason to feel distressed, recognize and accept your guilt. Avoid either denying or suppressing your emotions, as this can only serve to prolong the process of addressing the root issues.

Identify the root cause

Take some time to reflect on the situation or action that’s the source of your guilt. You need to be honest with yourself about what could have led to your feelings of guilt.

Take responsibility

Guilt is often the result of having made a mistake and fallen short of certain expectations. If you’ve made a mistake, own up to it and apologize if necessary. If amends need to be made and can be made, then make them.

Practice self-compassion

Taking responsibility for your (in)action can be hard, but you can approach it with kindness and understanding toward yourself. We all make mistakes and fall short of our own standards and those of others, especially God’s standards (Romans 3:23, 6:23). However, you can deal with yourself truthfully and lovingly, just as you would a friend in a similar situation.

Learn from the experience

Instead of getting stuck in the feelings of guilt, you can use your guilt as a growth and learning opportunity. These situations can help you to pinpoint what you can do differently in the future. You can let go of any self-recrimination, as there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1), and there’s no benefit to keep holding onto guilt that has been addressed already.

Move forward

Create a plan to help you move forward. This plan can help you avoid or prevent similar situations in the future, and as you pursue your plan you can be patient with yourself, recalling that it can be a long process.

Seek support

You don’t have to face challenging situations alone. Speak with a trusted loved one or talk to a mental health professional about your feelings of guilt. While guilt can be helpful in moderation, prompting personal growth and positive change, excessive guilt can be harmful to your well-being. If your feelings of guilt are overwhelming or persistent, seek help from a counselor.

Reach out for help

If you are ready to speak to a counselor about guilt, mistakes you feel you have made, unhealthy patterns, or anything that is keeping you from living freely, please reach out to Newport Beach Christian Counseling today. We can arrange an appointment with one of the qualified therapists in our practice. Take your first step toward living free of unhealthy guilt.

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Bible Verses About Trusting God in Difficult Times

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A cursory glance at the news headlines or the trending hashtags on social media is enough to alert you to the fact that we’re in trouble. There is a lot of good that is going on in our world, but that fact cannot blind one to the reality that things are not what they’re supposed to be. And it’s not just in the world out there, though that affects us personally too. It’s the fact that in our personal lives, things are also not what they’re supposed to be. Trusting God in such times is tough.

For every one of our personal problems that cause us concern and anxiety, there is someone out there selling or offering a solution. Some of these solutions work, and they can address the problem effectively. At other times, what is offered as help becomes another hindrance. In everything, in good times or bad, one constant that ought to mark our lives is trust in God. It is especially pertinent when we are going through difficult times. Newport Beach Christian Counseling provides faith-based guidance to help you navigate life’s challenges with renewed trust and strength.

God is an ever-present help in times of trouble

When we go through difficult times, we can become prone to negative thoughts. Those thoughts can be about ourselves, our circumstances, other people, and even about God. We can berate ourselves for the choices we made, or attack others for how they contributed to the problem.

We may blame God for the circumstances we’re in or consider ourselves abandoned by Him. These thoughts can add to the existing anguish of dealing with illness, financial pressure, job loss, relationship conflict, or the loss of a loved one that we’re already going through.

One of the things that comes through repeatedly in the Bible is that God stands ready to bless us. God’s purpose and plan is to bless the world and rescue it from itself and its self-destructive tendencies (Genesis 12:1-3; John 3:16-21; 1 Timothy 1:15-17). God works in all things to bring His purposes to fruition (Romans 8:28), and even difficult times don’t stand in the way of God’s purposes and plans.

It is important to understand God’s fundamental posture toward us, as this enables us to turn to Him freely in difficult times, even when the difficult times we are in are because of the foolish or sinful choices we have made (Luke 15). God embraces broken people like us if only we would humble ourselves and turn to Him.

Bible verses about trusting God in difficult times

When you’re going through a difficult time, it can be both easier and harder to turn to God for help. It can be easier to turn to Him then because of our sheer desperation. You trust Him to help you because you’ve got nowhere else to turn for help. It can, however, also be harder to turn to God in difficult times because it can feel natural to blame Him for one’s present circumstances, and we can turn instinctually to other solutions that seem more viable.

Trusting God can happen in small steps, but ultimately it is about looking to Him and placing your hope on Him coming through for you. It’s not a substitute for putting in work. You can work and trust that God, who gave you the strength, gift, and opportunity for work, will make whatever work you’ve done bear fruit.

But if that work doesn’t bear fruit the way you hope, trusting God means continuing to believe that God’s intentions toward you are good and that His plan will nonetheless come to pass.

Some verses in the writings of the prophet Jeremiah speak to what it means to trust God in difficult times, and what that means in that season. He wrote,

But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? – Jeremiah 17:7-9, NIV

Prior to these verses, Jeremiah was talking about how trusting in human beings and their abilities while turning one’s heart away from God will lead to ruin. In contrast, the one who trusts in the Lord, the one whose confidence is in God and not in themselves, their resources, or their circumstances, shall flourish.

The interesting thing about these verses is that even that person will go through heat and drought, but their experience of those hardships will not leave them bereft or fruitless.

God’s people are not promised a pain-free existence in this world. What God promises is that He will sustain them through that hardship and bring them through on the other side. He asks us to rely on Him and to have our confidence founded upon who He is, and nothing else.

When you’re in a storm, it can be hard to trust God, especially if you’ve never done it before or if you’re carrying hurt or disappointment with God. Contact Newport Beach Christian Counseling today to walk with a Christian counselor who can help you process these experiences and reconsider what it looks like to trust God in difficult times.

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Building Self-Esteem One Choice at a Time

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Building self-esteem and increasing confidence starts with making the right choices at the right time. When we consistently make productive choices and act on them, we see a boost in our confidence and how we think about ourselves.

No longer do we believe the nonsense that we are not smart enough, attractive enough, or productive enough to get things done. We learn how to set goals and follow through, one choice at a time. Building self-esteem is a natural result of following through. Newport Beach Christian Counseling supports this journey by helping individuals cultivate confidence and resilience.

Building self-esteem and making better decisions

Since our thoughts influence our emotions and behaviors, learning to discern between a poor choice and a beneficial one can help with building self-esteem. We will not always make the right decisions. However, that is a part of life and should be treated as a learning experience.

Try the following tips for building self-esteem and making better choices.

Learn from others’ mistakes

The easiest way to make better choices is to learn from other’s mistakes. If you can learn the lesson from watching others, you can possibly avoid pain and heartache.

For example, if your father was obese due to uncontrollable eating patterns and suffered a heart attack at a young age, you may be at a higher risk of gaining weight and suffering a heart attack or stroke. You may want to learn how to watch your portions and engage in activities that will lower your risk. If you follow in the same footsteps, you might suffer the same fate or worse.

Many people remember the lessons they learned watching their parents and other family members and vow not to repeat those mistakes. However, sometimes these behaviors are ingrained in us and we repeat them anyway, despite our best intentions. A counselor can help you learn to break generational behaviors and addictions.

Learn the lessons from your past choices

Have you ever repeated a decision as if you still have not learned the lesson? We probably all have at one time or another. You may make the same choice if your emotions get in the way of logic, or if you cannot think of a better choice.

For example, you might take back a spouse after they had an affair, only to have them do it again a decade later. Although logic may tell you that this is a behavioral pattern in them, you may allow your feelings for them to override the decision to leave and instead, take them back again.

Try to identify the same type of choices and ask yourself if this is a pattern. Is it a pattern of your behavior or the behavior of someone else? If you make a different choice this time, how will it boost your self-esteem?

Pause and think long-term before making a decision

Before making an impulsive decision or behavior, ask yourself about the long-term consequences.

For example, it might seem like a good idea at the time to cheat on a final exam to earn a certification. However, what would be the long-term consequence? What is the worst thing that could happen? Perhaps the school has a program that tracks the exams and notifies the administration of potential cheating.

What if they disqualify you from the program and do not allow you to earn the certification? What if they report your actions to the next program you apply to? Would the derailment of your dream career be worth cheating on an exam?

You can apply these “worst-case scenarios” to any choice. You may find that a specific choice ends up being in your favor. Perhaps your company offers you a relocation package to a new city. The worst-case scenario is that you are miles away from your family. But, you may weigh the pros and cons and decide that the move will benefit your family far more and you can always make plans to video call and visit your family throughout the year.

Check in with your emotions

Emotions are fickle. When we cannot control our feelings, we may act impulsively and make poor decisions that can lead to lower self-esteem. Before making a monumental decision, take stock of your emotions.

Are you feeling desperate, hurt, sad, or angry? Are you tired or hungry? Is your anxiety calling the shots? It can be difficult to make a proper choice when your emotions seem overwhelming. Instead, reach out to a counselor or close friend and explain the situation. They may be able to help you detach from your emotions to make an informed decision.

Getting help

Do you struggle with your confidence and feelings of self-worth? A counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help you with building self-esteem, taking control of your behaviors, and defeating intrusive thoughts. Contact our office today to schedule a session with a counselor in Newport Beach, California.

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What the Bible Says about Change

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Life is not stagnant; it is full of change. Throughout your life, you will have different jobs, churches, houses, cars, and relationships. There will be changes you choose to make as well as changes that are outside of your control. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help you navigate these transitions with wisdom and support.

Learning to develop a healthy mindset around change can help prevent anxiety around changes in your life. Holding fast to the truth will help you work through change trusting in God. Here are Bible verses that can help you through life’s changes.

God is constant

The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God endures forever. – Isaiah 40:8, NIV

God promises that he will not change the way that everything else in the world changes. As the Creator of the world, he is outside of the limitations that exist within the world. No change is beyond his scope.

Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments. – Deuteronomy 7:9, NIV

God exists outside of time. He sees the bigger picture that we cannot see. Marveling at the greatness of God is a practical way to practice trusting that he cares for you.

Hold plans loosely

​​To humans belong the plans of the heart, but from the Lord comes the proper answer of the tongue. All a person’s ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the Lord. Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans. – Proverbs 16:1-3, NIV

You can make all kinds of plans, but there is no guarantee that they will succeed. Make a practice of entrusting your plans to God and seeking him in prayer when you make plans.

You may be called to enact change

“For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” – Esther 4:14, NIV

There may be things in the world that you want to see changed, and God may be calling you to start the process of change. To enact justice, and care for the needs of the community, you may need to lead the change for good. Hopefully, you will not be under the threat of death that Esther was. Look to her for inspiration to stand up for what is right, even when things seem scary.

You may need to change your mind

Then a voice told him, “Get up, Peter. Kill and eat.” “Surely not, Lord!” Peter replied. “I have never eaten anything impure or unclean.” The voice spoke to him a second time, “Do not call anything impure that God has made clean.”

This happened three times, and immediately the sheet was taken back to heaven. Then Peter began to speak: “I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism but accepts from every nation the one who fears him and does what is right. – Acts 10:14-16, 34-35, NIV

Peter was a devout Jewish man. Yet after witnessing the death, resurrection, and ascension of Jesus Christ, he was required to change his mind about a lot of religious rules with which he grew up. We sometimes need to make similar changes about our beliefs.

That, however, is not the way of life you learned when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. – Ephesians 4:20-24, NIV

Living life with God is living a life called to change. You are changing the habits of contempt, cruelty, and selfishness, for a life of compassion, generosity, and humility.

The change that happens within your heart and mind is slow, and you may not see the results you desire as quickly as you would like. Yet over time, God promises ”that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6, NIV)

If you need additional help navigating life’s changes, consult with a compassionate Christian counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling today.

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How Regular Sabbath Improves Your Mental and Physical Health

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Many Christians have heard about the Sabbath and know it should be part of their life, but it can be hard to make it happen. Between the busyness of daily life, work, family, and even church activities, fitting in regular times for rest can feel impossible. Additionally, it can be hard to understand why it’s so important to begin with. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can provide support in helping you understand the significance of rest and how to incorporate the Sabbath into your life in a way that nurtures your spiritual and mental well-being.

People are often taught that getting things done is better than rest. After all, your family needs you, you must work, and there are so many things on the calendar. Plus, the laundry is piling up and someone needs to get to the grocery store. How will taking a rest help you feel better when there is so much to get done?

What is the Sabbath?

Let’s start by growing a deeper understanding of the Sabbath. The concept of the Sabbath is woven into the creation of the world. When God created the world, he spent time making day and night, land, sea, air, plants, animals, and even people. When he was done creating those things, He did something different.

Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array. By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day, he rested from all his work. Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done. – Genesis 2:1-3, NIV

This is the first reference to rest. But this is more than taking a break. Genesis 2:3 describes this rest as something special, something God blessed and made holy. It is this key element that defines Sabbath in our lives.

As you continue to explore the Word, you see God talk about the Sabbath as a holy time of rest. This is more than just stopping work, although that is part of it. It is that blessed time that is holy and set apart. It is about intentionally making time to rest from work to worship God. Later in the Word, the idea of the Sabbath is explored in many ways.

In the Old Testament, the Sabbath is part of the law that people must follow. Later, when Jesus comes and is resurrected, we learn that we are free from the law outlined in the Old Testament. Jesus fulfills the law for us. That can leave us wondering about the Sabbath and its role in our lives.

Should the Sabbath be part of my life?

Practicing Sabbath is good for you. It isn’t about following an archaic rule to please God. Instead, you can incorporate Sabbath into your life to benefit you spiritually, physically, and mentally.

While there are different opinions on what Sabbath looks like, how people should practice it, and when it should be observed, you can discover the benefits of the Sabbath in your life no matter how you do it. It is less about following strict guidelines and more about developing a rhythm of rest and worship that feeds your soul.

It is often easy to understand the spiritual benefits of taking time to rest and worship God. However, there are additional benefits to consider.

Sabbath rest improves your mental health.

Taking time to rest and connect with God goes beyond feeling like you had a break. There are deeper mental health benefits that people can experience from routinely making time for Sabbath in their lives.

A study of a small group of people at Liberty University investigated how an eight-week Sabbath routine impacted anxiety, worry, and stress. Most participants, upon completion of the study, showed a decrease in anxiety, worry, and stress in their lives. When you consider the benefits specifically connected to rest, there are a variety of things that help improve mental health.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness describes benefits such as increased energy, which allows you to do more of the things you enjoy. Similarly, people who take time to rest can experience more energy to devote to the people they love and the work that is important to them. These things all work together to improve mental well-being.

As you look at the spiritual aspects of the Sabbath, such as prayer and corporate worship, the mental health benefits are also evident.

Kristen Rogers of CNN reported, “A 2011 study found prayer can help reduce anger and aggression. In a series of experiments in which participants either prayed for or thought about a stranger, a person who angered them, or a friend in need, members of the prayer group were more likely to feel less anger and aggression after a provocation.”

When you look further at the mental health benefits of taking spiritual rest, you discover that things like prayer can reduce feelings of anxiety, isolation, and fear while increasing feelings of gratitude and connection. Combining the benefits of rest and spiritual dwelling that occurs during a regular time of Sabbath rest, promotes mental health benefits that go beyond the Sabbath.

Physical benefits

Looking at Sabbath as the marriage of physical rest and worship of God allows us to see how both aspects benefit us in more spiritual and mental health. Each of these aspects has physical benefits as well.

Taking time to rest has obvious benefits for your body. According to Integris Health, “Rest is vital for better mental health, increased concentration and memory, a healthier immune system, reduced stress, improved mood, and even a better metabolism.”

Regular rest has concrete physical benefits such as:

  • Decreased blood pressure.
  • Chronic pain relief.
  • Improved immune health.
  • Stronger cardiovascular system.

If you consider the spiritual element of the Sabbath, you can also see amazing physical benefits. Corporate worship, private time with God, and regular prayer as suggested by the concept of the Sabbath can improve everything from hormone levels to breathing.

Some examples of how prayer can benefit your physical health are:

  • Faster recovery following medical procedures.
  • Helps your body heal more efficiently.
  • Inhibits the release of cortisol and other hormones that can negatively affect the body.
  • Regulates heart rate and breathing.
  • Relieves stress and offers hope which promotes physical wellness.

These things all work together to offer better physical health when you routinely practice Sabbath in your life.

Final thoughts

As you consider the challenges associated with incorporating the Sabbath into your life, it is important to also consider the vast benefits. Naturally, the physical benefits are noteworthy. As you combine physical rest and spiritual dwelling with God regularly, Sabbath rest offers you an opportunity for better health and wellness mentally and physically as well.

It is interesting, however, to see that these benefits go even deeper. Whenever you follow God’s commands you will experience spiritual benefits. Sabbath does not need to be looked at as a spiritual law. Instead, you can consider Sabbath to be a helpful directive God offers for your life.

The Bible Project says, “As followers of Jesus, God does not expect us to live by Israel’s laws. However, the wisdom of these laws remains, and the law of the Sabbath is rich with significance for us today. The Sabbath is not a commandment we are bound to; it’s a promise we’re invited to enjoy.”

As you think about how Sabbath may look in your life, consider all the benefits it brings. Sabbath offers you spiritual, mental, and physical benefits that will directly impact your life and well-being.

Does the idea of taking time for a regular Sabbath feel impossible? One of the counselors in our office at Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help you find ways to implement Sabbath in your life so you can have better mental and physical health. Call our office to set up an appointment and get started.

Sources:https://digitalcommons.liberty.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=4623&context=doctoral

Mental Health in the Workplace: The Value of Rest

https://Bibleproject.com/blog/keeping-the-sabbath-is-it-still-relevant-to-christians-today/

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