10 Bible Verses about How to Control Anger

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Learning to control anger can feel like the most difficult thing to do, depending mostly on the situation you face. You can count to ten or take a deep breath. Yet some people are not able to do this, and that anger could lead to harsh words or actions. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can offer support and guidance in managing anger and finding healthier ways to cope. Are you a slow burner or do you have a short fuse? There are plenty of Bible verses about how to control anger in Scripture. Below are some that will convict you as well as give you hope that, through God’s grace, it is possible to control anger.

Bible Verses about How to Control Anger

Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. – Proverbs 29:11, NIV

This verse is translated in various ways in certain Bibles, but it is the juxtaposition of anger and calm that is most important here. A fool gives vent to his anger; the wise man can keep control with God’s help. While there might be a rightful place for anger to be fully expressed, often it is better to keep silent and keep a tight rein on your tongue.

Careless venting to whoever may listen is certainly not appropriate as a godly way of self-expression. If you are serious about learning how to control anger, you can address this habit if it is present in your life.

A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly. – Proverbs 14:29, NIV

In short, without understanding a situation, your impatience will lead you into making silly mistakes. Colossians 3:8 implores believers to put away anger and wrath. Turn to God in prayer instead. James counsels readers to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger (James 1:19-21, NIV).

This is how to control anger in the Bible. While in and of ourselves it is very difficult to be patient, if we are saved, we have the power of the Holy Spirit at work in us and can ask God to help us to exhibit it.

Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered. – Proverbs 22:24, NIV

The verse warns us that associating with angry people could lead us down the same path of anger and regret. This applies to both our personal and professional dealings. We must avoid getting too entwined with them since their bad temper corrupts us and leads us to act similarly.

When you lean into your relationship with God and trust his guidance, you will also gain wisdom to discern which friendships are not helping you in your walk with Christ. By discerning wisely, you will also gain a better grasp on how to control anger.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. – Ephesians 4:29, NIV

Paul shows here that we are accountable for the words we utter. We must speak in a way that is beneficial to those listening and appropriate to the situation. The aim is to show grace to those who listen to our words.

We must demonstrate a godly and Christ-like attitude of love and forgiveness toward others, particularly if they are not Christians. How to control anger as demonstrated in the Bible will also be a witness to others in terms of how we have been changed and how much we have taken on the “new self” offered in Christ.

But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. – Psalm 86:15, NIV

We might think God is out to punish us because of our faults and the bad choices we have made. Although these are negative aspects of our lives, the Lord loves us more than we could ever imagine and acts to redeem and restore us. He knows our weaknesses and shortcomings and recognizes the need for us to make fresh starts.

You can make a fresh start today. In knowing how to control anger according to such verses in the Bible and meditating on them in triggering moments, with God’s help you will become more and more like Christ in your character.

Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools. – Ecclesiastes 7:9, NIV

This is a warning to us not to fly into a rage or harbor resentment over some incident, either at home or at work. It indicates a lack of self-control, exposes weak character traits, and is not godly in attitude. We need to refrain from anger and instead honor God in our hearts.

Sinful anger needs to be rejected; it has caused divorces, job losses, broken relationships, and so many other problems. Learning to control anger is important, as words spoken in haste cannot be taken back.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling, and slander, along with every form of malice. – Ephesians 4:31, NIV

The ESV version of this verse uses the words “put away,” which clearly states we need to get rid of all unhealthy behavior and guilty feelings after angry incidents. The tongue can be compelling in praise but devastating when it comes to angry criticism.

Paul notes these common character flaws are all linked to anger: bitterness, rage, brawling, slander, and malice. All can be put away or gotten rid of with God’s grace.

Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother, or judges him, speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. – James 4:11, NIV

James says that God is the only one able to save and destroy. Criticizing and judging each other means criticizing and judging God’s law. It is through His grace we are saved, so, therefore, do not live by worldly wisdom.

Discord results when we do not control anger. When we don’t, we are essentially nullifying the new covenant which Jesus brought through the sacrifice of his death on the cross. This verse shows us how serious these sins are in God’s eyes.

Therefore I want the men everywhere to pray, lifting up holy hands without anger or disputing. – 1 Timothy 2:8, NIV

Paul is exhorting the men to pray and to be in unity when they did so. He was aware of the bickering and anger so prevalent in the early churches, just as it often is today. Paul showed them that knowing how to control anger was critical so that they could worship God appropriately. There is no point in coming to God while we are harboring anger toward our neighbors. God demands that we forgive fully and come to him with hearts that have repented of the sin in our lives.

But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things, there is no law. – Galatians 5:22-23, NIV

The fruit of the Spirit is available to all Christians and is full of characteristics that are the exact opposite of anger. It can seem impossible to offer all these things, especially when we live in a broken world full of sinners. But through asking the Holy Spirit to bear these fruits in us, we will start to see small changes in how we view other people and the world around us.

Meditating on Scripture gives us a very clear indication of how to control anger. By ourselves, we are powerless to change. But as saved and redeemed people, we have new hearts that can close the door on toxic emotions that hurt and destroy rather than build up and show love.

If you need more help learning how to control anger, don’t hesitate to reach out to a Christian counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling for guidance. A counselor will help you understand the roots of your anger so you can make behavioral changes today. Get in touch with us to receive the compassionate help you need.

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Dating with a Purpose: Praying and Planning for Relational Success

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Few decisions in our lives shoulder the weight of success or sabotage like matters of the heart. While our choice to follow Christ is the most significant choice that impacts all others, who we link with in dating or in marriage, polarizes our path. It either fuels us in fulfilling God’s purpose for our lives or frustrates us in walking toward destiny.

Our hearts cannot always be trusted to make the wisest decisions and they often become obsessed with external appearances or are tempted by sin. God has given us wisdom in His word to help us make healthy and wise decisions. The Bible equips us to live a godly life (2 Peter 1:3). The Lord created us and knows our beginning and our end. He has given us all we need in His word.

Since we don’t automatically know the wisest course of action, we require the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. As we seek a marriage partner to be part of our life, we must pray and plan and seek God’s kingdom and His righteousness. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers faith-based guidance to help individuals navigate relationships with wisdom, prayer, and a Christ-centered perspective.

Pray purposefully

God speaks to us through His written word and illuminates what seems obscure or confusing (John 10:27-30). God’s Word tells us how to communicate with Him, and it clarifies and confirms His guidance. When we are single, and ideally undistracted, we can embrace our singlehood for purposeful prayer, asking God to bring the right person to us in His perfect timing.

Praying with a purpose allows us to grow in intimacy with the Lord. He already knows what we think and how we feel. Sharing our real experiences and emotions, then surrendering them to Him allows us to become more confident and better able to hear His voice speaking through His word. Submitting to the Word and His commands empowers us to actively resist the enemy’s influence (James 4:7).

Plan intentionally for dating

God, who is Beginning and End, has ordained our life to reflect His glory on earth (Revelation 1:8). He wants you to see the wonder of His image in you. As you pray, ask Him to harmonize your ideas and plans with His. Pay attention to the wisdom of the Scriptures as you form plans and goals that maximize your gifts and align with His purpose.

Process authentically

We tend to view our pain through a lens of shame, but God can heal the unresolved pain that we hide. Participating in a process to work through past issues often hurts before we feel the effects of healing.

That involves offering our wounds to Him with open hands and a surrendered heart. His supernatural strength targets and triages our weaknesses. He beckons us to approach Him boldly, and He responds by lavishing us with fresh mercy and grace (Hebrews 4:16).

Awareness and acknowledgment

Only the searchlight of the Holy Spirit can bring awareness of the hidden parts of our hearts. Is there repeated sin poisoning us from the inside out? We often become numb to it, unaware that we are partnering with forces that oppose our faith (Ephesians 6:10-12).

When we are seeking dating relationships that lead to marriage, we need to be aware of negative mindsets that influence our behavioral patterns. Dysfunctional cycles surface, circulating the issues that have disrupted our progress and success with relationships.

Ask the Holy Spirit to highlight where these offenders entered, even if they have lingered through your family’s generations. God champions your future marriage. Working through issues while unmarried reflects an active partnership with the One who authors your destiny. As you return to Him, repentance welcomes healing and deliverance, bringing the freedom to connect from a whole and healthy heart.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. – 1 John 1:9, NIV

Addressing the issues in dating

Beyond the sin factor, our mates weren’t meant to carry every emotional load. When we avoid attending to heart matters while single, we place undue expectations and weight on our future marriages.

As the Holy Spirit reveals “thorns” or areas of weakness, He also furnishes God’s grace and practical remedies that transform us (2 Corinthians 12:9). Wisely using the gift of the present affords us the space and strength to prepare with God, and perhaps a counselor, to work on matters that may make us better dating partners and spouses.

Aligning hearts

We are not serving ourselves or our future spouses well when we short-circuit necessary steps for repentance and faith. Although physique and chemistry play a key role in attraction, cultivating spiritual, mental, and emotional development affects the longevity of a connection.

We mask our real selves with illusions like Adam and Eve who fashioned clothing from fig leaves. As clever as they may have thought themselves, the cover betrayed their sinful hearts. Not only do we want to present our real selves to potential spouses, but we must get right with God first.

Allied and agreed in dating

Scripture causes us to reflect on the importance of alliances. Every believer’s walk with the Lord is unique, so every potential partner might not be in the same spiritual place.

However, walking in agreement, that is aligned with Jesus and not in step with the world, is foundational to establishing a dating partnership and eventual marriage. While the external person initially attracts, the internal is integral to what nurtures a marital covenant over the long term.

Being equally yoked is often mentioned in single circles, but it is more than sharing a set of morals. Our core values, gifts, goals, and purpose factor into our suitability as a mate. We need counsel from the Holy Spirit, other mature believers, and perhaps a trained professional.

From these places of contemplation, we can develop questions and form criteria to gauge whether we will advance our dating relationships. God doesn’t move accidentally, and following Him will enable us to act with intention.

Do not be mismatched with unbelievers; for what do righteousness and lawlessness share together, or what does light have in common with darkness? – 2 Corinthians 6:14, NASB2020

Next steps for dating

Let’s use our singleness to nurture our first marriage with Christ, our Bridegroom. We, as the Church, inclusive of male and female believers, are joined to Him in one Body, much like the illustration of two becoming one woven throughout the Scriptures.

In the natural and spiritual, we can pray, plan, and process to become a better fit for our potential mate, but even more so, for our King of Kings. As we communicate with the One who inspired and authored Scripture, He aligns us with His own Heart and prepares us to walk in agreement with a partner.

While you cannot control the timing for encountering dating partners and potential spouses, you can influence your preparation. God has outfitted you with resources. Avail yourself of the options for counseling at  Newport Beach Christian Counseling. Locate the support and sustained care that will make you ready to recognize and receive what awaits as you pray, plan, and prepare for adventures with God.

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Becoming a Blended Family

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Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of bringing together two families. For whatever reason, you are now navigating a home life with a mixture of feelings and habits. What seems like an angry child could be a child who is scared of losing everything that was comforting to them. Creating a home for a blended family takes patience and grace. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers guidance and support to help families navigate these transitions with understanding and compassion.

Each person in the family is affected by the new dynamic of a blended family home. The children may feel as if they have no voice, the parent may feel like it’s all a mistake, and the step-parent may feel like an intruder. Even though all of these different feelings and mindsets may be happening, there are ways to ensure that your home is blended in a way that conveys love and peace.

By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established. – Proverbs 24:3, ESV

Where do we start?

Blending families happen because of loss in some way or another. Whether your spouse has passed away or you are surviving divorce, you have gone through a painful time. This pain is not just for adults. Our children feel the pain just the same and they have to know that this new change in their home life is not going to negate how they feel about their other parent.

First, you should make sure that each child knows that this new family dynamic does not change how you feel about them. One of the easiest ways to help this would be to allow them to express any frustration with the new dynamics of the home. Even if you don’t want to hear how they are having an issue with the other parent, allow them to express what’s going on.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10, ESV

Children and blended families

Some say that children are resilient to changes in their lives. While it may be true that they seem to bounce back after some life-changing events it isn’t always easy for them. They still have to learn to navigate the change in the best way they can. Losing a parent is traumatic for children. Whether it is by divorce or death, not having that parent in their everyday life can cause lasting emotional problems.

Hearing “You’re not my parent!” or “I don’t have to listen to you!” are a few of the more common statements step-parents may hear when the family is just starting to create a new space for this new family. Even though these may be the most prevalent words that you hear during the first few weeks or months of learning to blend families, they don’t have to be statements that you hear forever.

Take time to talk to them and try to understand why they are so angry and hurt by this new home. Don’t expect them to always be okay. Some children have a hard time with change even though it may be the best thing for them. Let them voice what’s going on with their emotions. God understands that life happens and He will guide you through this rocky time with your child as well.

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him – a threefold cord is not quickly broken. –
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, ESV

Parents and blended families

As parents of a blended family, it is your responsibility to ensure that the home is healthy and safe. The first aspect of creating a healthy home is to make sure that you are committed to a solid marriage. The family starts with marriage. When the marriage is solid and respectable, then the home will follow suit. The hard thing about blended family and marriage is that you are having to learn to be a couple while adjusting to parenting.

Being able to create a solid relationship with your spouse before blending families is essential in understanding how each of you intends to handle the issues that will come up in the beginning. You have to assure each other that you will support each one’s decisions even if it hurts your parent’s hearts. When you promote your marriage as a team that wants what is best for everyone, the likelihood of continued problems will decrease.

When you create a home that revolves around respect and compassion it will make the transitions easier for everyone. Learning to interact with each other civilly is key to overcoming any tension that may be present in the dread of facing changes.

Respect given and taken between all family members is a must if there is to be peace within the new family dynamic. It will also take an understanding that everyone handles change differently. These things will allow for growth in all areas of the family dynamic.

How to begin a blended family

When you know that it is time to begin the process of moving into a new home with your new family, you should consider how to make this process easier for everyone.

Take time to consider how the change will affect everyone. Too many changes at one time can be considerably overwhelming for all of those involved, especially the children. Don’t rush into any lifelong changes without considering how your children may be handling the previous change.

Discuss parenting styles beforehand. Bringing families together that use two different parenting styles is an open door for problems. Not only can this cause a problem between parents, but the children will also begin to show signs of resentment and anger.

Don’t rush the relationship with the children. As you and your spouse begin to create this new home, remember to take time to get to know the children. Don’t expect them to be eager to accept the new dynamic. They will begin to see your role in their life and how that will look for them.

Do life as a family. Make time to have family time with everyone, and then go a step further. Include them in everyday life. Allow them to interact with the other parent in real-life situations such as housework, shopping, and Bible study.

Make respect a priority. Whether or not the children like your new spouse does not negate respect in the home. Along with respect make sure that ultimatums are not tolerated by either parent. This also goes for the parents. Each of you should be the example of respect and grace that your children will need to see as they learn to become a blended family.

Challenges of blended families

As with anything that combines two things, there will be challenges. Creating a blended family is not exempt from challenges even if you have followed the above ideas to help create a peaceful transition. These are just a few of the more common challenges you may face as you create a blended family.

Relationship changes. When children find themselves in a new relationship, they may seem distant and reserved. The changes in the family will bring changes in the roles of each person. A child who was the youngest may now find themselves as being the oldest.

While this may seem like a small thing, it is a big change for a child to adjust to. When a child loses the uniqueness of their role in the family dynamic, they may need more time to adjust to losing that part of their identity.

Age differences. When you bring together two families you are bringing the likelihood of children being closer in age than they would naturally be. This can be a challenge when it comes to celebrating birthdays as individually as possible.

Experience as a parent. It’s a challenge when both of you have been a parent, but when you have a spouse that has never been a parent it can bring another challenge to the dynamic. As a person with no parental experience, your spouse may not understand the various developmental stages that children experience.

Changing family traditions. One of the hardest things for children to accept is new traditions that replace the old ones. Children grow accustomed to traditions when it comes to holidays and vacations. Changing these dramatically can have a negative impact. It’s best to comprise between the two families.

Activities and events. Trying to plan events with a blended family can be trying due to considerations that must be met. When you have to consider visitation rights for divorced parents it can be hard to plan an event for everyone to enjoy. Children may have a hard time accepting that activities change because of the need to include everyone.

Bonding and growing in a blended family

Creating a blended family that works and grows together is possible. When you focus on keeping faith-based values within your home, you will promote a healthy environment in which everyone can bond. Don’t allow the roles to become confused with the overall picture of being a family. Newport Beach Christian Counseling provides faith-centered guidance to help blended families build strong, loving relationships rooted in understanding and unity.

You will need to create boundaries for children as well as parents. These boundaries will allow for healthy relationships to be built. Be sure to keep all parents involved in the child’s life. Co-parenting children of divorce is a key factor in helping them heal from the experience of divorce.

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How to Help Your Depressed Husband

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When a loved one is in pain, the vulnerability and emotional pain you go through can be debilitating. The feeling of helplessness can be all-consuming, paralyzing you into inaction. In those situations, great courage and fortitude are required to push through those feelings of helplessness and instead focus on being supportive and present for our loved ones.

The same goes when the loved one who is in pain is your husband, and the trial they are going through is battling depression. We’ve learned a lot about depression and other mental health concerns over the last few decades, and so there are a lot of things you can be aware of and do to be supportive of your depressed husband. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers valuable resources and professional guidance to help you support your loved one while also taking care of your own well-being.

Know what depression is and isn’t

Firstly, it’s of great importance for you to get informed about what depression is and isn’t, which can help you in dispelling any unhelpful myths or ideas you may have about the disease. Depression isn’t something a person can simply power through via sheer willpower, though for many men that is precisely the kind of mistake they make.

Depression is a mood disorder that impacts all aspects of a person’s being – physically, mentally, and emotionally; it also affects their behavior. Day to day activities become burdensome and difficult to do; even the things a person used to enjoy, like hobbies, lose their appeal.

Depression is a widespread mental health issue. Here in the United States, about 19% of adults have experienced a mental illness. Around 7.1% of adults (17.3 million people) have had at least one major episode of depression in their lives.

Women are twice as likely to have depression than men, but one of the symptoms of depression – having suicidal thoughts – tends to result in death more frequently in men. While women are more likely to attempt to commit suicide, men are four times as likely to succeed because they use more lethal means in their attempts.

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), nearly three hundred million people (about 264 million) across the world suffer from depression. This includes men and women, the young and the old, and people from every possible background including different cultures and ethnicities, religions, and social classes.

Having depression is not a sign of weakness. It can be caused by one or several factors, including genetics, trauma, illness, poor nutrition, and brain chemistry, among others.

Signs of a depressed husband

To better understand the question of depression, you should be informed about what depression looks like in men, and how that will impact your husband and your family. There are symptoms of depression that are common for both men and women, and these include the following:

  • anxiety
  • feeling sad, empty, or hopeless
  • aches, pains, and digestive problems
  • fatigue
  • sleeping too much or too little.
  • feeling restless and agitated
  • lack of concentration on work or tasks
  • struggling to fulfill family, work, or other obligations
  • difficulty remembering details
  • eating too much or too little
  • unintentional weight gain or loss
  • being unusually indecisive
  • having suicidal thoughts or making suicide attempts
  • losing interest in hobbies and things that were once exciting

Some other symptoms of depression are more specific to men, and these behaviors often hide depression. These include:

  • Compulsive behaviors, such as increasing intake of alcohol, gambling, or substance abuse.
  • Seeking isolation by avoiding family or social situations
  • Reckless behaviors, such as unprotected sex, sex with strangers, or reckless driving
  • Becoming overly sensitive, getting easily irritated, losing one’s sense of humor, getting angry quickly or with scant provocation, becoming more verbally or physically abusive of loved ones, or more controlling in relationships.

Diagnosing depression

It is important to help your husband to get a proper diagnosis. For it to be diagnosed as depression, the symptoms must persist for at least two weeks. It is important to seek help from a trained professional to get this proper diagnosis. Your doctor or healthcare provider can perform a series of tests to determine whether your husband has depression.

These may include a physical examination and some blood work to eliminate other possible sources of the symptoms. There is no single simple test for depression, but your physician can make a diagnosis based on the symptoms they observe and a psychological evaluation.

In most cases, they’ll ask questions about these areas to determine if your husband suffers from depression:

  • sleep patterns
  • moods
  • thoughts
  • appetite
  • level of activity

Treatment options for your depressed husband

There are various treatment options available for your depressed husband, and your husband and doctor need to proceed with a treatment plan that works for him. For the various possible treatments for depression to be effective, one key element is willing buy-in from the person suffering from depression. They must have ownership of the process.

They do need help, though. The people around them, who comprise their support team, can be there to encourage and stand in the gap where they can. For wives, this may mean being aware that more of the load may fall on you as your husband deals with the depression.

We mentioned earlier how the family may be affected negatively in various ways by a depressed husband and father. Giving them support, understanding, and accountability during their treatment will provide a more conducive environment for recovery.

When someone is diagnosed with depression, there are various strategies for treatment and coping with it. With mild depression, there are strategies they can implement to cope and manage it, and these include:

Finding support from friends and family through sharing feelings with people close to you helps you to feel less isolated and it makes those feelings feel less overwhelming. These cheerleaders can help you stay on the path to recovery. This support network can help with chores, driving to and from a doctor’s appointment and so much more.

Pursuing simplicity by breaking down huge tasks into smaller tasks.

Postponing big decisions until you’ve recovered. Discuss important decisions with trustworthy people.

Avoiding alcohol and other addictive substances may boost your mood and creates room for you to address your situation soberly.

Creating structure by making a daily routine can make each day feel a little easier with fewer decisions you have to make.

Eating and sleeping well by keeping up with good nutrition and getting good sleep helps you make progress toward better overall health.

Exercising or practicing mindfulness through meditating, and exercising by walking, running, or doing yoga may reduce stress and support overall well-being.

These coping strategies are supplemental to the treatment plan a licensed medical professional may create for your husband; they are certainly not a substitute for it. The trained psychotherapist may recommend medication or talk therapy, or a combination of both depending on the circumstances and the severity of the depression.

Medications such as antidepressants may be prescribed to help to cope with depression and get the body and mind back where they need to be. Usually, there are some side effects from the medication, and so the psychotherapist will likely adjust the type of medication and its dosage to meet the client’s needs.

Don’t expect immediate results, as the medication may only begin to have positive effects on a person’s mood or overall disposition after a few weeks. This process of finding the right medication and dosage can take a few months, so don’t lose heart, or begin doubting the process.

It is important for a person suffering from depression to keep taking their medication even when the outlook begins improving. Taking the foot off the gas prematurely because some of the symptoms of depression are lifting can set their progress back and potentially trigger a relapse with worsened symptoms.

The treatment plan, which includes taking medication, only stops in consultation with the psychotherapist who determines whether sufficient progress has been made.

Talk therapy, or psychotherapy, is another powerful component of the treatment plan. This can take several forms, but its main aim is to provide a person with space to talk through the situation with a trained and licensed mental health professional at Newport Beach Christian Counseling.

This process can unearth various issues in the relationships around the person struggling with depression, including your own. Psychotherapy also assists people suffering from depression to accomplish various goals, including:

  • helping them identify and replace negative beliefs and thought patterns with positive ones
  • finding adaptive and creative ways to solve problems
  • creating, setting, and maintaining realistic goals
  • learning how to cope with a crisis
  • developing capacity and a deeper ability to tolerate stress and distress
  • digging into their relationships and experiences to forge positive connections
  • learning to recognize the issues that contribute to depression

Your loved one doesn’t have to walk the journey through depression alone. With you and your family’s loving support and the knowledge possessed by trained psychotherapists and other professional caregivers, your depressed husband can work through his depression and gain the tools he needs to deal with this season of struggle.

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Signs of Anger Issues and How to Address Them

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Our emotional makeup helps us to experience all that the world throws at us and to respond appropriately to it all. A beautiful sunrise or sunset makes you feel warm inside, and you smile, draft a poem, or hug a loved one to express what you feel.

The death of a loved one or the loss of a long-cherished dream break you up inside, and gush forth tears, sadness and anger intermingled. Our emotions alert us to what’s going on inside of us and how we’re experiencing the world, so they are helpful for everyday life.

Anger is a powerful emotion, one which can overwhelm us and even short-circuit our ability to think and act rationally. Anger can be ignited by anything, from an existential threat to you and your loved ones to an annoyance like stubbing your toe on a piece of raised concrete. We get angry when people challenge us, when we are taken advantage of, or when we see wrongdoing, and so much else.

Powerful emotions like anger need to be shepherded well because the consequences of letting anger run amok can be dire. So, while anger is a helpful emotion that alerts us to what we’re experiencing and what may need to be remedied, how one deals with that anger is of the utmost importance.

Below are a few signs of anger issues that may indicate you’re no longer in the driver’s seat, and your feelings of anger are in charge. If anger is an issue for you, don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional for help. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers support and guidance to help individuals navigate and manage their anger in a healthy and constructive way.

Seven signs of anger issues

1. You’re afraid of what will happen if you get angry.

Have you ever scared yourself because of how you reacted to a situation? For example, your child or spouse did something that annoyed you, and your reaction was so over the top that you found yourself shocked and scrambling to apologize and figure out where that reaction even came from.

People have deep wells of feeling within them, and they don’t always know what’s in those wells; sometimes, stuff comes gushing out that we struggle to make sense of. The Bible warns us, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9, ESV).

For you, maybe you struggle with the things you say and do when you’re angry, and you’re afraid of what might come out of you if you happen to get angry. If you’re afraid of your anger and what results from it, it may be a clear sign that you have anger issues.

2. Relationships have been destroyed because of your anger.

Ambrose Bierce , the short story writer, journalist, and poet once wrote, “Speak when you are angry, and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” Sometimes, the time between words spoken in anger and the feeling of regret is instant, and at other times it can take a lifetime to understand the damage caused by words spoken in anger.

Anger affects your ability to listen with empathy and make reasoned judgments. When you’re angry, you don’t always think about what you’re saying, and what you’re saying tends to be poorly thought out. In anger, we tend to generalize, leap to conclusions, and override the feelings and perspectives of others. All of this escalates conflict and damages relationships.

If relationships have been damaged because of your anger, it’s quite likely that you have anger issues. Whether you shouted at your spouse or kids, snapped at a client, gave a snarky retort to your neighbor, physically assaulted a friend, or spilled a long-held secret, anger may have led you to damage that relationship, perhaps irreparably.

3. You struggle to articulate your anger.

The thing to do with anger is to express it so that your feelings are acknowledged. It’s not good to either repress the feelings of anger or to express them in such a way that they cause physical or emotional damage to yourself or others.

Repressed anger, as well as passive-aggressive anger and violent expressions of anger, are equally destructive, though the first two are directed more internally, and the latter externally. You should be able to express your anger in a clear, assertive (not aggressive) way that doesn’t damage others along the way. If you can’t express your anger well, that’s also a sign of anger issues.

4. Your anger is disproportionate to the situation.

There isn’t a chart that lays out what a reasoned response to any given situation should be. That doesn’t mean that there is no such thing as an unreasonable or disproportionate response to a situation. Responding to someone cutting you off in traffic by pursuing them down the highway and then physically assaulting them should rank as an overreaction.

If the grocery store has run out of a particular product, it’s out of bounds to verbally assault a store employee or to damage store property. Getting into a fistfight with other patrons because the buffet ran out of steak or because a fast-food establishment ran out of a chicken sandwich is probably a reaction that’s disproportionate to the situation. It may indicate that you have anger issues.

5. You’ve been in trouble with the law.

If your anger has led you into situations and making decisions that got you in trouble with the law, that might also be a sign of anger issues. If your anger leads you to break the law because you’ve threatened violence, assaulted someone, or damaged property, that may be a sign that your anger has a hold over you.

6. You feel angry most or all of the time.

There is no shortage of things in the world to make a person angry. However, you can’t be angry all the time or allow things to get under your skin. If anger is the dominant emotion in your life, and you feel angry for many or most of your waking hours, or you’re constantly feeling impatient, irritated, and hostile, then you may have a problem with anger.

7. Your anger threshold is low.

What makes you angry? We’re all wired differently, and our experiences shape our temperaments in various ways. If you get angry quite easily and let things get to you without much provocation, you’ve got a low anger threshold. Having a low anger threshold isn’t problematic if you’re able to express that anger effectively and let things go.

However, because anger has a physiological effect, being angry a lot because you have a low anger threshold means that you’re putting your health at risk. Chronic anger increases your risk of stroke, it weakens your immune system, not to mention higher risks of high blood pressure, heart problems, headaches, skin disorders, and digestive problems.

Growing beyond the problem

Anger doesn’t have to maintain its hold on you. It is possible to overcome the devastating effects of uncontrolled anger. For one thing, you can begin to look at the challenging circumstances and people in your life through a different lens. Instead of dwelling on unpleasant experiences in the past and looking at things from a negative standpoint, there is a different way to go, as this quote reminds us:

Forget what hurt you in the past, but never forget what it taught you. However, if it taught you to hold onto grudges, seek revenge, not forgive or show compassion, to categorize people as good or bad, to distrust and be guarded with your feelings then you didn’t learn a thing.

God doesn’t bring you lessons to close your heart. He brings you lessons to open it, by developing compassion, learning to listen, seeking to understand instead of speculating, practicing empathy and developing conflict resolution through communication. If he brought you perfect people, how would you ever learn to spiritually evolve? – Shannon L. Alder

To overcome anger issues, it’s also important to look deeper, because anger can be caused by any number of things, from physiological processes such as chronic pain, hunger, fear, or panic. Anger can also be a symptom of a mental health issues such as depression, bipolar disorder, dementia, or Alzheimer’s.

An anger problem may also be rooted in childhood trauma, or there may be specific events in a person’s life that have given shape to their personality and how they react to situations. In some cases, hormonal changes can also cause anger. To get behind and beyond these possible causes, it’s important to speak with a health professional to eliminate these other causes.

A mental health professional can help you not only by diagnosing an issue with anger but also by helping you understand the root cause of the anger issues. Your story is unique, as are the resources you possess to deal with anger.

Your counselor will walk alongside you, helping you begin to recognize your anger triggers while giving you tools for anger management and strategies to cope with anger such as breathing exercises, regular exercise, and good sleep hygiene. They can help you begin repairing damage to relationships caused by anger and to begin walking in the joy and peace of the Lord. These words of David to the Lord can be true of you:

You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand – Psalm 16: 11, NIV

Instead of anger, you can know and experience joy, as that is what God desires for people. Reach out for Newport Beach Christian Counseling today to get help with overcoming anger issues.

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Sustainable Self-Care Ideas to Improve Your Wellbeing

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Over the past few years, it has become increasingly trendy to talk about self-care. This is especially true for people whose work or lifestyle puts them in positions where it is hard to take time for themselves, whether because they work long, exhausting hours, or because they are home with children all day and can’t seem to get a meaningful break. Also, let’s be honest with our current times. COVID-19 has added additional stressors on top of everything else in our everyday lives.

But for many, the understanding of self-care doesn’t go too much further than taking time for yourself, whether by going out for a cup of coffee alone, meeting up with friends, or being available for a long luxurious soak in the bathtub.

However, I would suggest that self-care goes deeper than making sure that you can take those 10-15 minutes (or more) for yourself every day, as one can very quickly go from that relaxed feeling in one moment, back to feeling stressed and under pressure from the next triggering event. Newport Beach Christian Counseling emphasizes the importance of addressing the root causes of stress to achieve lasting emotional and spiritual well-being.

This suggests that you are over-extending yourself and what you perceive to be a state of relaxation is actually a state of constant stress. This state of stress that you perceive to be relaxed is just a lower level of stress compared to the previous overwhelming event—which is why we are easily stressed out by any small event that is stressful. Our cup is already filled to the rim.

Self-care, when we are stressed, keeps our cups from overfilling. But, self-care when we no longer feel as overwhelmed will help lower your cup even more so that when stressful life events happen, you can handle them with more patience, grace, understanding, and love.

Self-Care Ideas to Maintain Overall Health

Self-care needs to make some sort of effort to meet your deeper needs if it is to be meaningful and sustainable. It needs to look at all the areas of your life, your physical needs, like rest and taking care of your physical health, as well as your mental, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing.

Focus on your physical health

One of the first steps in self-care is recognizing that you are responsible for taking care of your physical health. As an adult, no one is going to remind you that you need to eat or to get enough sleep. So, you need to make sure that you are getting enough sleep, eating healthy and nutritious meals, and getting some form of daily exercise, such as going for a walk or cycle around the block.

All these things are important if we want our bodies to be operating at peak capacity. We need to make sure to set ourselves up for success by giving ourselves the fuel we need to feel good and manage our day-to-day responsibilities, and a healthy diet, rest, and movement all contribute to our general good health and wellbeing. Exercise is also known to help counteract feelings of stress by producing endorphins, so it has a double benefit.

Endorphins are chemicals produced naturally by the nervous system to cope with pain or stress. These are often also called the “feel good” chemicals. If your body is not producing enough endorphins you might experience depression, anxiety, or moodiness. This is why your physical health plays an important role in your mental and emotional well-being.

Know yourself

The next step in self-care is to do a little self-reflection. Take some time to look at your life and think about how the various aspects of it affect you and your wellbeing. Understand your capacity and limitations, so that you can know more easily when to say “no” to taking on too much.

Recognize what energizes you and what depletes you so that you can know what to say “yes” to and how to best recharge. Think about what kinds of things add significant stress so that, if possible, you can remember to practice your coping skills and make plans to manage the stress.

Prioritize what relaxes you, make time in your schedule to unwind, and allow yourself to show love to yourself. For some people, a warm bath with music or a book every day is relaxing. For others, cooking, dancing, or drawing are relaxing activities.

Think about what motivates you, so that you can commit yourself to what is important and follow through. The better you know yourself, the better you will be able to anticipate stresses and work to mitigate them, and the better you will be able to identify what is important to you and be able to plan to meet your needs.

Only by taking the time to think about what works and what doesn’t work in your life can you make better decisions about how to use your limited resources of time and energy and how to be your best self.

There’s a saying about self-care being about choosing to create a life that you don’t regularly feel the need to escape from. So, ask the tough questions about your life, career, and habits, and whether these things are draining you or fulfilling you. And then make changes accordingly.

Establish boundaries

Once you have taken the time to figure out what is most important to you, and what you are best capable of handling, then you can begin to establish healthy boundaries for yourself. These will look different to different people and in different situations.

You may find you need a certain amount of time alone to refresh yourself, and once you’ve decided that this is a priority in your self-care you can determine where to take this time and set up boundaries to protect it. Your boundaries may look like saying “no” to certain commitments, or to saying “no” beyond a certain number of social hangouts. But there will be times where you need to establish a limit, and then enforce it.

Yes, life is not perfect, and things will come up that may require the relaxing of a boundary; however, the general trend of protecting your time and the things that are important to you should become a habit that you don’t feel guilty about. Boundaries will help you to prioritize what is important, and then you can let the less important things slide a little if necessary.

Focus on your mental and emotional health

Once you have taken care of your physical needs and taken the time to establish boundaries to protect what is important to you, you can focus on investing in things that will build you up mentally and emotionally. For some, this may look like a change in their job to find something more fulfilling or making better use of their gifts and interests.

But momentous changes like this are not always options for everyone and looking after your mental health may mean investing in a hobby or other activity that challenges you and gives you a feeling of fulfillment. This might include getting involved in community service or taking a class in something that interests you, whether art or economics.

For some, it might mean being available to regularly spend time reading an enjoyable book. However, it is important to be available for things that challenge you positively and give you a sense of progress and growth.

Invest in friendships that build you up

While you may have hundreds of friends on social media, it is important to recognize the friendships that you have in real life. One rarely has the time to invest meaningfully in many friendships in real life, but when you have a solid friendship that uplifts you and builds you up, take the time to invest in that person.

We are made for relationships and do not function well in isolation, and that time with a friend can be life giving, especially when you are going through a challenging time. So don’t forget to prioritize time and energy for investing in the people that are close to you.

Focus on your faith

For many people, the spiritual aspect of life is particularly important. This is a part of life that shouldn’t be left as the last priority. It should be our first priority. For a Christian, God is more than a distant idea, but a close comfort and help in times of trouble.

If your faith is important to you then you will not find fulfillment in just going through the worldly motions but will need to seek a relationship with God by reading His living Word daily, praying without ceasing, and following His commandments.

It will also be important to fellowship with people who share your faith, whether only for the weekly gathering or more frequently. Pay close attention to the people you gather with. “Do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility with God? Therefore, whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God” (James 4:4).

Invest in your faith community and you will find yourself spiritually fulfilled. If your spiritual life is not in alignment with God, it gives license to Satan to attack you in those areas that are not in alignment. Jesus gave us “The Great Commission” as our purpose on earth. Neglecting what Jesus commands us to do can be physically felt as an ache or need that we cannot satisfy in any other way.

This is the Holy Spirit convicting us, “and He, when He comes, will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment” (John 16:8). When you are in alignment with God’s Word, you will feel peace in your Spirit and no longer be at war with your flesh.

Make time to fill your cup

All these things may feel like a lot that needs to be thought through and prioritized, but at the end of the day, we are complex people with needs across all parts of life. If any of these needs – physical, mental, emotional, spiritual – are not being met, then we will struggle to feel satisfaction and contentment where we are. Newport Beach Christian Counseling helps individuals navigate these complexities, ensuring that all aspects of well-being are addressed for a more fulfilling life.

But if you make good choices when it comes to how you fuel your body, what you prioritize, and how you guard what is important to you, you will find yourself increasingly fulfilled by the life you are building. And while you are investing in all these things, you mustn’t forget to allocate time to rest. “Jesus said to them, ‘The Sabbath was made for man’”(Mark 2:28).

Give yourself time to unwind and do the things that fill your cup, whether that is spending time in nature, socializing with good friends, or relaxing with a book, or even taking a long candlelit bubble bath. When the rest of your life is well balanced, these moments of rest will easily refresh and revive you and help you feel prepared to face the next challenge that comes your way.

Photos:
“Wake up and Glow”, Courtesy of Ellieelien, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; Self Love”, Courtesy of Content Pixie, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Woman Making Heart”, Courtesy of Jackson David, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “White Mug on Chair Arm”, Courtesy of Carolyn V, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Premarital Counseling: Strengthening Your Future Marriage

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For some, getting married is the fulfillment of a long-held dream. Finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with is no mean feat. The world of dating is peppered with false starts, dead ends, unmet promises, people who aren’t what we thought they were, and much more. So, when you make it through that minefield and find that person you love and want to build a life with, that’s cause for celebration.

Having gone through the dating ordeal and confirmed your intentions for one another, talking about premarital counseling seems like putting one last obstacle in your way just before the finish line. Do you need premarital counseling, or is it something for people who aren’t sure about what they want? Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers faith-based premarital counseling to help couples strengthen their foundation, improve communication, and prepare for a lasting, Christ-centered marriage.

The broad consensus is that doing premarital counseling is a wise decision for couples. Instead of looking at it as an obstacle to your happiness or a buzzkill for the planning around color schemes and your wedding menu, premarital counseling is one of the cornerstones in building your marriage.

It’s a vital step that will challenge you, but it will strengthen your commitment to one another while giving you the tools you need to navigate married life. It will confirm that you made the right decision to marry your beloved or provide you with insight and wisdom into your relationship so that you make an informed decision about the future.

What is the value of premarital counseling?

The value of premarital counseling is that it will help you prepare for married life with your partner. Pre-marriage counseling provides you with a space to reflect on aspects of your future lives together that will be vital for a flourishing and committed marriage. Sometimes, in the thrill of our intoxicating emotional connection with our partner, we don’t always ask the probing questions we ought to.

Or we simply assume that we’re on the same page about everything, even though we may not have gone into the specifics. Pre-marriage counseling is infinitely practical, getting you into those conversations that will make sure that as you set off on your life together you are united in purpose, clear about your expectations of one another and your relationship, and you have the skills you need to manage conflict well.

What kind of questions will come up?

Pre-marriage counseling covers a wide range of topics for discussion. Depending on your sessions and areas that need more focus than others, you may cover some or all these questions in depth.

Finances

Some of the fiercest and most common fights in marriage are about money. Money has a significant impact on your married life, from where you live, what you eat, whether you can take vacations, and what charities you can support financially.

There are many decisions to make that concern money in a relationship, and these include who works (one of you may earn enough to support you both, or both of you may need to work to support your family), who handles the finances (balancing the checkbook, managing your savings and investments), how will you use money in your spending, saving, investing, and giving.

These and other decisions need to be made within a marriage, and pre-marriage counseling addresses these so that the couple thinks through the practicalities of their married life.

Children

Another important question for a couple is whether they want children. How many children would you want to have? If biological children aren’t an option, would you consider adoption? Some couples find out when they do marriage counseling that their partner doesn’t want to have children, and they may want a house full of them.

Being clear about your hopes and expectations can save you from heartache later. During sessions you may also think through your own parenting beliefs and styles, to discern whether you are on the same page and share the same values around raising children.

Relating to family

In many cases, the couple that plans to get married is part of an extended family. Some people are close to their families, while others aren’t. Depending on those relationships, a couple may need to figure out practical things like where they will spend the holidays, how involved they want the family to be in their lives, and who will broach the subject if there’s an issue with the in-laws. The couple will need to set boundaries that work for both partners.

Goals and goal setting

Pre-marriage counseling can help a couple to speak openly about their life goals as individuals and as a couple, along with helping them be effective in setting and meeting goals together. Perhaps one of you wants to go to school, and you’ll have to work out for how long, how you will afford it, and then pivot to focus on the other partner’s development.

The goals can be renegotiated later but agreeing on goals and setting expectations early helps with accountability for a couple. Additionally, during pre-marriage counseling, a couple can be taught how to set and meet goals together.

Roles and distribution of tasks

The families that we grew up in taught and gave us our basic ideas of who does what in the family. Those ideas may change over time, but they are often our first and most important influences in that respect.

The times have changed, and more than ever there needs to be a discussion about what roles each partner assumes. Some people passionately believe that the man takes a leading role, while others would hold to equality in all things. Who does the dishes, who takes the car for a service, who works, or who takes care of the kids?

Each of us may think the answer to those questions is obvious, but too many couples find that their assumptions are wrong. A couple may choose to divide tasks according to capability, or they may stick to traditional roles in some things while mixing it up in others. The point is, each couple must figure out what works for them, and the starting point is asking probing questions.

Spirituality

For people of faith, their relationship with God is important and they want to nurture it. How will you cultivate this relationship? At which church community will you make your home? This is important and relevant if you aren’t in the same community.

Will you pray, fast, and read Scripture together or separately? How will you keep one another accountable and growing? Through this process, you may discover that you may have radically different or opposing ideas about spirituality, which means that tough decisions lie ahead.

Sex

Sex is a huge part of the physical and emotional connection between a couple. Questions will have to be answered about each person’s expectations about sex. How frequently does one expect it? What are the boundaries you’re establishing about sexual intimacy? These and other questions must be asked to ensure that this aspect of their lives is also addressed.

Time

With busy lives taken up by various commitments, how a couple uses their leisure time is another key area to reflect on. How will you use your leisure time? Will you use it to volunteer, chill at home and watch tv, start a sport or a hobby, or spend time with friends? When children come into the picture, how you use your time may need to be renegotiated as your priorities and commitments shift.

Conflict

Lastly, though a couple may hate to think it, there will be some disagreements and conflict that arises within a relationship. Each person handles conflict differently. Some avoid conflict, preferring not to bring up thorny issues, while others are confrontational.

Pre-marriage counseling can help a couple to figure out their individual “conflict style,” developing their communication skills, along with how to help one another address conflict in a healthy way so that you address the issue and don’t attack each other. Being able to manage conflict will go a long way to helping a couple face life’s struggles together.

Is premarital counseling right for you?

Premarital counseling is advisable for all couples, regardless of their age, ethnicity, socio-economic background, level of education, or whether they’ve been married before. Addressing issues ahead of time and gleaning wisdom to conduct your marriage wisely are some of the benefits of pre-marriage counseling.

Premarital counseling spaces can be found within religious institutions such as churches, but the services are also offered at community centers and private practices. You can even access pre-marriage counseling services online if your work hours or other obstacles don’t permit an in-person visit.

Whether in private sessions with a counselor or as part of a group with couples walking the journey toward marriage together, taking up pre-marriage counseling may be the best thing you can do to prepare for and strengthen the foundation of your future marriage. Newport Beach Christian Counseling provides faith-based premarital counseling to equip couples with the tools they need for a strong, Christ-centered relationship.

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How to Forgive Someone: Biblical Guidance on Forgiveness

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Have you ever been asked to do something that seemed impossible? How did you respond to the challenge? Sometimes in life, we face situations that take us to our limits and beyond. The sort of people we are – our character – shows in those moments. Though we may fail in the attempt, being willing to give something a go has great value. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers faith-based support to help individuals navigate life’s challenges with courage, resilience, and a renewed sense of purpose.

If we are familiar with what the Bible says about living a life that is rooted in love for God and neighbor, then we know how challenging living such a life can be. We don’t always meet our self-expectations, and that’s to say nothing of the high standard to which God holds his people.

Nonetheless, we try to live faithfully, to be just and loving people through the power of the Holy Spirit. We may not get it right, but we try; and when we fail, we dust ourselves off ask the Lord for His grace and mercy and try again. It matters that we keep going despite the challenges and setbacks. The life of faith as a disciple of Jesus means staying in alignment with the Word of God.

One area that most of us find challenging is forgiving others. When people wrong us, we may find ourselves inclined toward wanting to see them pay for what they did. In other instances, we may not wish them harm, and many times we certainly want nothing more to do with them.

The sins we and others commit are many, varied, and complex in the kinds of effects and traumas they produce. In the Bible there are three categories of sins mentioned: sin, transgressions, and iniquities. Forgiving others is thus not always a simple matter, and it may feel like we are betraying ourselves and our experiences to forgive someone who has wronged us.

What is written below is in no way intended to guilt us into forgiving someone or to do something we aren’t ready to do. Forgiveness is ultimately a choice we must make to let go of our anger and desire for revenge and forgive as our Father forgave us.

Forgiveness is for the person doing the forgiving, not the person receiving the forgiveness. That’s not a choice anyone can make for another person, but we must reflect on the biblical teaching about God’s will for us to live free of resentment and vengeance.

After all, holding onto unforgiveness, according to some research studies, negatively affects our physical and mental health by making us more vulnerable to stress, heart disease, high blood pressure, anxiety, and depression.

We too are forgiven

One of the realities with which we are regularly confronted in the Bible is that we all need God’s forgiveness. The word “sin” doesn’t roll off our tongues easily, but essentially what that word conveys is the notion that we are morally bankrupt. We miss the mark in a variety of ways, whether it’s by not doing what we’re meant to do, or by doing the things we aren’t supposed to. We sin because we seek after fleshly gratifications.

Our attitudes towards other people may be less than generous; we might treat others with more respect because they are like us in one way or the other. We show favoritism or partiality; at other times we are unwilling to consider the feelings of others. In our thoughts, feelings, and actions, none of us is perfect and lives the way God wants us to. For this and more, God has forgiven us.

It wasn’t so long ago that you were mired in that old stagnant life of sin. You let the world, which doesn’t know the first thing about living, tell you how to live. You filled your lungs with polluted unbelief, and then exhaled disobedience. We all did it, all of us doing what we felt like doing, when we felt like doing it, all of us in the same boat. It’s a wonder God didn’t lose his temper and do away with the whole lot of us. Instead, immense in mercy and with an incredible love, he embraced us. He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ. He did all this on his own, with no help from us! Then he picked us up and set us down in highest heaven in company with Jesus, our Messiah. – Ephesians 2:1-10

This is a powerful message that shows how God has bestowed on us his undeserved favor. The first few verses of that passage read, “Though we were disobedient, God forgave. us and gave us new life.

This forgiveness isn’t a thing of the past. We continue to sin, and God continues to forgive us – “If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.” –1 John 1:8-9

God meets us in our weakness and forgives us. Even as we consider how others may have wronged us, we must also consider how we have wronged God and others, and yet we are forgiven.

We forgive others as we are forgiven

Forgiving others is likely one of the hardest things about the Christian life. We mustn’t make the mistake of thinking that forgiveness means that you aren’t taking a person’s actions seriously. On the contrary, because we understand that God’s forgiveness came to us through Jesus and the sacrifice he made on our behalf, we know that forgiveness is serious business.

It’s so serious in fact that we are reminded that if we understand just what it is God has done in forgiving us, we will extend that forgiveness to others. Ephesians 4:32 reminds us to “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Matthew 6 Jesus teaches his followers to pray, “Forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors” and then he adds this difficult word – “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins”. The gift we have received from God, we are to pass along to others; if we have understood God’s gift to us, that is.

Additionally, forgiving another person is more about us than it is about them. Have you ever noticed how stressful it is to be around someone you have something against? You either try to avoid them, or you grit your teeth when they’re speaking all the while thinking less-than-healthy thoughts.

Forgiveness allows us to let go of our toxic emotions such as hatred towards the other person. We reclaim our thoughts and don’t allow them to live “rent-free” in our hearts and minds because of the negative emotions we bear toward them. When we forgive them, we can move on with our lives, free of resentment.

We forgive often

The things that people do that require forgiveness may vary, but the act of forgiveness, the choice of letting go of the desire to pay back remains a tough one. It often doesn’t happen overnight; we must sometimes choose to forgive daily. If you live with the person, or if the things the person does occur often, that makes the act of forgiveness a daily choice.

Peter, one of Jesus’ closest disciples once asked Jesus the question “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus responded, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:21-22). Peter’s question is all too relatable. It would be nice to have an upper limit when it comes to forgiveness, beyond which we can hold onto our resentment with divine approval. Jesus scuppers that hope. We forgive as often as we must.

Of course, we must understand that forgiving someone doesn’t mean that no natural consequences will flow from their actions. If a crime has been committed, forgiveness doesn’t mean the law can’t take its natural course. If a person repeatedly breaks their word to you, forgiving them doesn’t mean you are required to give them anything more than that forgiveness. Newport Beach Christian Counseling provides guidance on navigating forgiveness with wisdom, setting healthy boundaries, and finding healing through faith.

We can do all things

Forgiveness is hard. But in this, as in other areas of life, God has not left us to our own devices and to figure it out on our own. We “can do all things through him who gives [us] strength” as Paul wrote in Philippians 4:13. God gives us strength to do the impossible – to forgive those who sin against us and to trust in God’s good judgment, leaving vengeance to God alone (Romans 12).

For the sake of our mental, physical, and spiritual health, forgiving others is a healthy practice that is tough in the doing, but worth it in the end. Ephesians 4:26-27 states, “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.”

Prayer for forgiveness

This prayer was written by Sue Fernandez in her book, Deliverance for Christians: Claiming Your Freedom In Christ.

“Father, in Jesus’ name, I ask that You take back the ground that was given to the enemy when (Name of Person)(List Specific Incidents). I ask that You break every stronghold from my soul. And as an act of my will, I choose to forgive (Name of Person) and I ask that You give me Your Grace to do so, from the bottom of my heart. I renounce unforgiveness. I renounce bitterness, and I ask that You remove every root of bitterness.

“If anyone has been defiled by my bitterness, I ask that You show me who that is and what I need to do. I ask that you bind the enemy from (Name of Person); take off all the veils of the enemy: and open his eyes, ears, heart, and soul to the truth of God. I also ask that You bring someone to him who can lead him to salvation. I release (Name of Person) now to You, Lord, for You to work in his heart, soul, and life, as You will.”

Photos:
“Watching the Sunset”, Courtesy of Cathy Mu, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Purple White Flowers”, Courtesy of Vlad Zaytsev, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Hug”, Courtesy of Igor Erico, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Pink Flowers”, Courtesy of Hannah Olinger, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Finding Hope in the Midst of Darkness

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Depression as a Christian seems contradictory since the Bible promises us peace and joy. Peace and joy are very different feelings when compared to a depressed mood. We can have peace in our hearts about the future and our current situation. We can have the joy of the Lord through our salvation. However, our mood may tell us that we are sad even though there is no identifiable reason to be sad. Newport Beach Christian Counseling provides compassionate, faith-based support to help individuals navigate depression while holding onto the hope and truth found in God’s promises.

This is where I like to implement distractions. I may know in my mind that there is nothing to be sad about. I may have a wonderful life, a great spouse, successful children who are walking with the Lord, but I still don’t feel good, and I lack the desire to participate in things I once found interesting. The enemy tries to discourage a person and pressure them to feel guilty about these feelings. Naturally, we tend to look inward for the reason.

The goal is to immediately use Scripture to fight those automatic negative thoughts (fiery darts) that the enemy shoots into our minds. Find certain Scriptures that speak to you in the specific area in which you are struggling. Write these down on a small piece of paper to carry with you until you memorize them.

Do not allow these darts to enter your long-term memory. Short-term memory is anything under thirty seconds. If you rehearse something, a telephone number, a name, a time, or a phrase using certain rehearsal techniques they will convert to long-term memory. The trick here is to get to those fiery darts immediately with Scripture you have previously memorized.

Repeat God’s word to yourself and get his promises into your long-term memory. Carry your Bible around with you wherever you go. Put it in your purse, carry a small Gideon’s Bible in your back pocket so you can get used to using your sword. Keep seeking, keep knocking. Don’t grow weary.

Another reason we may continue to be affected by feelings of sadness is that we may have conditioned ourselves to be in this state. People find it comfortable to sit in darkness, wallowing in self-defeating thoughts. Though it’s not necessarily a desire to feel depressed, we may experience a physiological response (physical response throughout the body) to a depressed mood.

When we feel tired, we prefer to lay in bed to get some additional sleep. We feel hungry so we find something to nourish our bodies. Working through depression feels unnatural because our emotions or our bodies may prompt us to do things that will keep us remaining depressed:

  • Loss of interest
  • Excessive sleep
  • Feeling slowed down
  • Fatigue
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Excessive Guilt
  • Recurrent thoughts of suicide or death

Depression has many faces and many different presentations, and the sufferer may experience a variety of symptoms. As Christians, we may think that the Lord would relieve us from these feelings if we were in His good graces. This is false. There are instances where we may be experiencing guilt, shame, sad mood, and difficulty sleeping due to unconfessed sin. If we continue to live in a specific sin, the Holy Spirit will convict us and prompt us in this way.

Do not mistake this for condemnation, however. Christ sent his Holy Spirit to us to encourage us and to convict us of sin. Conviction is meant to prompt us to repent, not to condemn us. The Bible says that His goodness leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4). Out of love, we turn back to Christ knowing that his plans for our lives are far better than our own.

The enemy has effective methods of making us feel as though we will never measure up, leading us to feel beaten down by the world and our sin. Don’t grow weary of doing good, “At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up (Galatians 6:9).”

A thorn is a struggle or an ailment that the Lord has not freed us from so that He may be glorified through us. This is not to be confused with a stronghold. A stronghold stems from a certain sin we continuously fall into (i.e., binge-eating, sexual sin, continuous anger outbursts, slander/gossip, pride, lying, or substance use.)

Jacob experienced a thorn following his wrestling with God. Paul had a thorn that he was forced to live with, the nature of which the Bible does not reveal (however, many Biblical scholars think it may have had something to do with his eyes). A thorn may also be the loss of a child, the death of a spouse at a young age, a physical ailment, cancer, and even mental illness. The propensity to experience depression may also be a thorn.

It may keep us clinging to Jesus, running back to Him for continual support because we realize that during periods of intense depression, He is the only way we can make it through the day. Ultimately, Jesus wants us to be close to Him. He wants us to spend time in His word and rely on Him.

This does not mean that the Lord is devious and crafty, but He permits these ailments so that we will cling to Him. We live in a fallen world and as fallen creatures we do not fully understand His methods. We may not know why He would allow a young child to die prematurely, but we trust in His essential goodness and love. We constantly fight a spiritual battle with an enemy who is much smarter than we are, so we reach to Jesus to guide and strengthen us moment by moment during times of depression.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:17-18

One biblical truth you can hold fast to is that He will never leave you nor forsake you. Don’t lose faith or become discouraged when the storm rages between your ears. Cling to the hope that though you may be sitting in darkness, the Lord is your light (Micah 7:7b).

If you are in the grip of mental health difficulties such as these depressive symptoms and would like to speak with someone to help identify the problem in a more clear and identifiable way, please reach out to a counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling for guidance and encouragement. We have a team of mental health professionals that will provide a hand to help you walk through your spiritual wilderness. You don’t have to go through this alone.

Photos:
“A Walk in the Woods”, Courtesy of Geran de Klerk, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Skeleton Keys on Book”, Courtesy of Carolyn V, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Chains”, Courtesy of Zulmaury Saavedra, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Victory!”, Courtesy of Svyatoslav Romanov, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

8 Marks of a True Friend

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In a world where people count friends by the hundreds on social media, one may want to consider how to determine whether someone is indeed a true friend. There are many kinds of friendships, colleagues, and acquaintances, but not all friends are the kind one would want to keep close or allow into their deepest confidence. So how does one recognize a true friend? Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers guidance on building meaningful, authentic friendships rooted in trust, faith, and mutual support.

8 Signs of a True Friend

1. A true friend is loyal.

A true friend is the kind of person that will stand by you no matter what. They will have your back when it feels like everyone else is against you and will defend you to anyone that questions your integrity. A true friend will not participate in gossip and will not stand for others gossiping about you.

When a friend has been around long enough to know your weaknesses and failures, but they think that you are worth having around anyway, then you know that you have found a true friend. They will accept that you are not perfect and not expect perfection from you. A true friend will remain committed to you despite your faults, flaws, and mistakes that you may have made in the past.

Their friendship isn’t fickle or changeable when the seasons in your life change. When a true friend is hurt or offended by you, they will allow you the chance to make it up to them and keep the door open to reconciliation. They won’t easily give up on you and will want to make the friendship work, even if for a time it is difficult.

2. A true friend is trustworthy.

A true friend is someone that you can always count on. They will have earned your trust over time, and you will know that whatever you share with them will be kept in strict confidence. You can also count on a true friend to keep their promises and do the things they commit to doing.

Not all people are naturally dependable, and some people will struggle more than others to show up when they say they will, but if someone is a true friend, they will prioritize the relationship to the point that other things will rarely stop them from doing whatever it is that they have promised to do.

You will also find that your deepest feelings and concerns are always safe with that friend. You can trust that your friend’s intentions towards you are good, and they will not be looking for ways to do things that would hurt you. They will respect your boundaries and not push you to do anything that you do not wish to do.

3. You can be real with a true friend.

When you have a true friend there will be no need to put your best foot forward on every occasion and you will know that you can truly be yourself with this person. When a friend can join in with you in everyday activities and participate in your daily life without finding such activities mundane or boring, then you will know that you have found something special.

A true friend will find joy and freedom in knowing that they are included in your more personal moments and that they can relax and be who they are around you. True friends will be content spending time in each other’s homes and will become well known to each other’s families.

Some may even begin to feel like they are a part of each other’s families. They will enjoy the freedom of being able to be completely real with each other and not worry about censoring themselves about any topic of conversation. This is because there will be a level of trust that they will be accepted wholly as they are, even if there are areas where you may disagree.

4. A true friend will show their care in practical ways.

While there is room for showing affection for a friend in a variety of ways, whether through gifts, words of affirmation, quality time, and practical help, etc., a true friend will make the effort to show their care in some or other practical way. The true friend will make the time to help in ways that show they understand your needs at the moment.

If you are going through a tough time emotionally then a true friend will be the first to call just to see how you are doing. They are the kind of people who will send an unexpected gift or note of encouragement when you need it.

They will also step up to help where they are able when you are in need, whether in need of a ride somewhere or of something material, like bringing by some groceries or a cooked meal if you are unwell. They will take the time needed to be there in a way that will lighten the load and help to ease any burden that you carry.

5. A true friend will share common ground.

This one seems obvious, but true friends enjoy spending time together and this is usually done around things that you both enjoy. Most friendships are initially formed around things that two people share, whether an interest in similar things or a shared activity.

With a true friend, shared things will likely hold a higher significance in your life, whether through a shared history or shared values. While true friends do not need to share the same faith and can have a mutual respect that allows for different beliefs, true friends usually have the things that are most important to them in common, like their faith. That way true friends can pursue their faith together, encouraging one another in that journey.

6. A true friend celebrates your success.

There is no room for envy in a true friendship. True friends will celebrate each other’s successes and be each other’s greatest cheerleaders. A true friend will want you to succeed in your endeavors and provide support and encouragement along the way.

7. A true friend will challenge you to be better.

On the other side, a true friend will also be willing to challenge you when you do something wrong. They will challenge any negative thinking or actions that are unhelpful to you. They will also be brave enough to speak out when they think you are making a mistake or acting in a way that is unhelpful or unkind or to those around you.

If you share a common faith or belief system this may also be something that they challenge you on. They won’t be afraid to risk offending you if they believe that challenging you in something is for your good. They will want you to grow as a person and will be ready to challenge you to do better whenever it is needed. They will also feel secure enough in the relationship that they will feel it is safe to do so.

So, if you have a friend who is brave enough to disagree with you, or to challenge a decision you have made, don’t be quick to discard them as a bad friend. Rather, recognize the courage it takes to confront someone and take the time to weigh the wisdom of what they are saying before deciding whether you will act on what they say or not.

8. A true friend is a rare treasure.

While a person may have many friends in their lives, many sharing characteristics of true friendship, a true friend is a precious and wonderful gift. True friendship takes time to develop and doesn’t happen without a solid commitment on both sides to push through the challenges together, even on the hard days.

It is only when a friendship has survived the storms and stood the test of time that its sweetness can best be appreciated. This kind of friendship only happens when both parties are equally committed to it, and willing to put in the effort for each other. Nothing dulls a friendship like one where a person feels like they are constantly giving and not receiving similarly from the other party.

A true friend will give without expecting to receive, but for the friendship to last, at some point, the amount of investment must be reciprocated. The way to determine how important a friendship is to you is to ask yourself how much you are willing to invest in it to keep it. To slightly modify the adage, the best way to gain a true friend is to be a true friend. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers faith-based guidance to help individuals cultivate deep, meaningful, and lasting friendships built on mutual trust and care.

Photos:
“Watching the Sunset”, Courtesy of Briana Tozour, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Watching the Sunset”, Courtesy of Cynthia Magana, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Sitting on the Dock”, Courtesy of KaLisa Veer, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Buddies”, Courtesy of Jonas Weckschmied, Unsplash.com, CC0 License