The Benefits of Seeing a Family Counselor

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Information overload – two words that describe today’s world, with all the available resources online on just about anything under the sun.

Want to learn how to be a better Christian? Or how to improve your marriage? Want to be more productive at school/work? There’s a flurry of articles, websites, and experts available within arm’s reach that can get quite overwhelming.

While this information age is a great thing for this generation, the negative side is that it also brings about an unrealistic amount of pressure to produce the perfect kids. We know that this is literally impossible, but it’s still easy to get sucked into the idea that somehow it’s attainable. This creates big problems. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help parents navigate these pressures and find balance.

Priorities: Balancing Family Roles, Demands, and Contentment

How do you solve this crisis then? How do you find that delicate balance for all the various roles you play, remain content and grounded, with all the conflicting messages you are subject to? You need to prioritize.

God. He needs to be the number one priority in your life. Matthew 6:33 says, “Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” It’s important to stay grounded in Christ first and foremost. This will keep your feet on the right path. Make your relationship with Him a top priority and let your children see this so that they, too, may take after you in prioritizing a godly life.

Marriage. It is often said that the most important decision you’ll ever make in your life, second only to surrendering your life to Christ, is the choice of a spouse. Choosing a godly spouse will enable you to raise your children in the way of the Lord and leave them a godly heritage.

This, in turn, encourages them to do the same for their own children. In effect, a stable, loving, godly relationship with your spouse has the power to influence multiple generations. So after prioritizing God the need to prioritize your spouse comes next.

This means putting your spouse before your children. If that means taking a break regularly from your parenting duties, go ahead. Make sure your children see you modeling a healthy marriage relationship early on. Here are a few ways to do that:

  1. Set aside some time daily one-on-one time with your spouse and teach your children that this is your special time together and should not be interrupted.
  2. Intentionally schedule date nights – away from the kids.
  3. Plan a romantic weekend getaway with your spouse every once in a while. Arrange childcare with family or friends who may be able to care for the kids in your absence.

Boundaries

Boundaries are important. They provide guardrails for you and your family to know when it’s okay to relax and let loose, and when you’re dangerously close to crossing a line. Boundaries are essential for you as a person, as a spouse, and as a parent. It helps you protect what you value.

Set boundaries by taking care of yourself. You won’t be able to handle all the demands that life throws your way if you don’t prioritize your self-care. Your children need to see you taking care of yourself.

Whether it’s a healthy diet, exercise, deepening your relationship with God, spending time with friends, with your husband or precious time alone, let them see that you take care of you too.

Set boundaries with technology and social media use for yourself and your family. Advancements in technology have enabled people to be more productive and organized.

But if misused, it also has the power to drive a wedge between family members as you focus on your things and forget to enjoy each other’s company. So put limits where necessary in order to maintain healthy relationships. Have designated tech-free times to just enjoy one another.

Social media has many great uses – it helps you connect with people you may not get to see regularly and helps builds relationships; it also has its negative aspects- it can lead to unhealthy comparisons between your own life and what others project of their own lives.

Social media boundaries are necessary to strengthen trust, so it is important to establish guidelines with your spouse regarding what’s appropriate and acceptable when it comes to interacting with others on social media.

Children need to be aware of such boundaries as well, young and easily impressionable as they are. Talk to them about appropriate social media use so they will learn to use it in a way that benefits them, and avoid its pitfalls.

As a parent, you already know how important boundaries are for children. One mistake that some parents tend to make is not setting boundaries for activities and overstimulating their children, for example, swimming practice early in the morning, squeeze in a second language class after class right before violin practice, tennis early morning the next day, a third language class and drum lessons before dinner. That’s just too much.

Decide with your spouse how many activities you will allow your children to be in. Let the child choose for him/herself within the boundaries that you’ve set. When they know they have the freedom to move within these boundaries, they are able to relax and become less anxious. It’s important to remember that it’s actually okay for children to be bored at times, so don’t overschedule your kids.

Helicopter Parenting

Helicopter parenting, a term coined for the style of parenting where parents are overly focused on their kids, can cause children to be anxious. Focusing too much on them may also mean that other areas of your life, like your relationship with your spouse, with God and self-care, are prone to suffer.

Here are five signs of helicopter parenting as identified by author Meg Meeker, M.D.:

  1. Whenever there’s a problem, your child calls you. Every single time.
  2. Your child has a difficult time handling disappoint.
  3. Your child does not appreciate the value of hard work and tends to look for shortcuts.
  4. When your child has homework, you end up doing it. You also have a tendency to advocate on her behalf when you call the teacher.
  5. You spend a lot of time researching the best everything for your child – best preschool, best vitamins, best organic food.

Hal Runkel, the author of Scream Free Parenting, suggests that parents allow their children to experience natural consequences of their mistakes. Don’t always come to their rescue so they will learn to avoid these mistakes in the future.

It’s easier said than done though, as it can be instinctual for a parent to want to spare their children from pain. As someone once said, “Good decisions come from experience, experience comes from making bad decisions.”

Proverbs 22:6 says, “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” This verse teaches that parents should begin teaching their children the right way as early as possible, and not wait until they’re older when habits would’ve already been formed. You need to be consistent in the way you raise your young kids for them to catch what you’re teaching.

Allow them room to discover their own abilities and make mistakes. Don’t do anything for them that they can already do for themselves, lest you communicate lack of trust in their abilities.

For instance, if you tell your child to pick up after himself, but he doesn’t obey even after repeatedly telling him, you may have the urge to clean up after him. However, this teaches him that if he delays following you or doing his chores, you will end up doing it for him. So as long as it is possible, hold yourself back. Remember that delayed obedience is disobedience.

Some families still wake up their high school-age children to go to school. These kids were not trained early on to wake up by themselves, and so they face the consequences of not doing so.

One mom was even monitoring her collegiate child’s schedules, assignments and deadlines online, devising a plan on how the child should study and meet all these deadlines. In both scenarios, the children have not been taught nor encouraged to do things independently, and this presents a big problem for both the parents and the children.

If this sounds familiar to you, you need to take a step back. Calm your own anxieties. Teach your child well, and then trust his/her child’s ability to take care of him/herself. By doing so, you are showing your child that you have confidence in him/her, thereby giving him/her room to mature into a fully-functioning adult.

Right now you might be wondering why or how parents end up over-parenting. One major cause is comparison with other children. With the widespread use of social media and technology, it’s very easy for parents to compare their children with the parenting style and children of other parents.

This can lead to a tremendous amount of guilt, discontent, and anxiety. You begin to feel that you’re not good enough, you’re not doing it right, or that your kids would be better off with this or that. It’s not easy to overcome this kind of parenting guilt. But here are four ways, according to Christy Wright of Business Boutique:

  1. Remember that you are not responsible for everything, so don’t be a martyr. Let the pieces fall where they may.
  2. Give yourself some much-needed affirmation. How you spend your time – at work, with your spouse, with your child, are all important. But the most critical time you could spend is with God.
  3. Keep in mind that you are not perfect, and a perfect parent is not what your kids need. Kids need parents who are present emotionally and physically. To be this for them, you need to give yourself grace. Take time out if necessary, and enjoy your marriage with your spouse.
  4. Let your kids see that you are taking care of yourself. Let them see that you enjoy life as a parent, a spouse, a whole person. Make sure that you reflect the truth of God’s word in Psalm 127:3, “Children are a blessing from the Lord, and the fruit of the womb is His reward.”

How a Family Counselor Can Help

It is definitely easier said than done. It’s no small feat to get out of this cycle, particularly if this has been a long-time struggle for you and your family. If that’s the case, a professional Christian family counselor can help you get back on the right track.

There is absolutely no shame in seeking the services of a family counselor if it will better your family. Seeking professional help may be one of the best things you can do, as it will enable you to become not just a better parent, but a better spouse and follower of Jesus too.

Reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness. If you think you could benefit from this kind of help, reach out today. We would love to have the opportunity to work with you and your family in addressing the issues that keep you from living the abundant life God has promised. Newport Beach Christian Counseling is here to support you on this journey.

Photos
“Digital life”, Courtesy of Ewan Robertson, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Pause,” courtesy of Charles Nadeau, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0); “Helicopter”, Courtesy of Marc Wieland, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Shame”, Courtesy of Sevenheads, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

Common Causes, Symptoms, and Treatment for Eating Disorders

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Eating disorders are complex and are often misunderstood. If someone doesn’t know the underlying issues, they can often wonder “Why does this person hate food so much that they throw it up?”

This might sound strange, but most eating disorders aren’t actually about food. People with eating disorders use it as a form of control. Though they find their surroundings uncontrollable, they can at least control how much or how little food they consume. Newport Beach Christian Counseling provides support and understanding for those struggling with eating disorders.

How Do Eating Disorders Happen?

Family of origin

Eating disorders develop from a range of different areas. When a parent has an unhealthy relationship with food, this relationship can be passed down to their children. If your mom is constantly counting calories or obsessing about each morsel consumed, you might begin to imitate this as well. Whatever the case may be, eating disorders often run in families.

Stress

Stress can trigger also eating disorders. Even turning on the news today can be distressing, so you can imagine the daily stress that people face. If there’s stress at home, work or school, an eating disorder is a response to managing it. Some people overeat when they are under pressure, while others tend to undereat or not eat at all.

Culture

The media and advertising world are plastered with unrealistic expectations for men and women. People who feel the pressure to attain the perfectly chiseled body or flat abs are often plagued by an eating disorder. Their goal is to become like the heavily Photoshopped version of the model on the front cover of their favorite magazine. This is a body image that is severely distorted.

Trauma

Girls or boys that have experienced a form of sexual abuse in childhood can also turn to food to take control of their bodies or use it as a weapon to punish themselves for feelings of shame and guilt.

The Impact of Eating Disorders

According to the National Eating Disorders Association, an estimated 20 million women and 10 million men in America will have an eating disorder at some point in their lives. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness, according to Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders.

Over a lifetime, the following percentages of women and men will experience an eating disorder:

0.9% of women and 0.3% of men had anorexia during their life
1.5% of women and 0.5% of men had bulimia during their life
3.5% of women and 2.0% of men had binge eating disorder during their life

Source: National Eating Disorders Association

What Do People with Eating Disorders Need?

These numbers have little significance for some, but for those who struggle with an eating disorder, or know someone who does, these numbers are alarming since each statistic represents a valuable life.

If you know someone who has an eating disorder, you can educate yourself on the specific disorder, let your friend know you are there to support them and encourage them to make use of individual or family counseling.

Group counseling can also be beneficial if the individual is comfortable sharing in a larger setting. It helps for them to know they are not the only one working through the effects of an eating disorder. Knowing that family and friends support their recovery can make the difference in their growth and healing during their journey.

Eating Disorders are a Form of Addiction

Addictions come in many forms, including eating disorders. An individual can become obsessed with a certain number on the scale or with manipulating their body to look a certain way. A condition called “Body Dysmorphic Disorder” (BDD) can also be related to eating disorders.

Anybody can identify something about their body that might be considered a flaw. Maybe it’s a crooked nose, a lopsided smile or eyes that are different sizes. It’s normal to notice our defects, but people with BDD obsess over these differences daily.  These inconsistencies are prominent in their eyes and demand their time and attention.

Mayo Clinic defines Body Dysmorphic Disorder as “a mental disorder in which you can’t stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that, to others, is either minor or not observable.”

A person who is dangerously skinny can still look in the mirror and see “fat” which in reality is usually skin that has become loose on the body due to a lack of nutrients. This individual could look to cosmetic procedures to fix their perceived flaw.

The Need for Support

In Mark 2:4 a group of friends went to great lengths to ensure their sick friend received direct access to the healer. “They couldn’t bring him to Jesus because of the crowd, so they dug a hole through the roof above his head. Then they lowered the man on his mat, right down in front of Jesus.”

In a time of need, we need friends willing to do whatever it takes to see us get well. It’s important to surround yourself with a team of people who will walk alongside you during your recovery journey.

The team typically consists of professionals, including a counselor, dietician, psychiatrist for medication purposes, and support counselors for meals if the individual is in a treatment facility. Some people who struggle with eating disorders find it helpful to stay at a treatment facility for a designated period of time and others find outpatient care to suffice for their specific purposes.

Helpful Activities when Dealing with an Eating Disorder

You may be wondering if there are any activities that help combat eating disorders? Here are activities that have been successfully implemented at eating disorder clinics.

Individual counseling

Counseling is a tool used to discuss eating issues, body image issues, family history, and what your life looked like before the eating disorder. Freedom can be found during individual counseling.

Meditation

Prayer and yoga are both excellent ways to find peace when the world seems chaotic.

Exercise

Healthy amounts of exercise can boost your mood. Limiting it to three days a week, for 30-minute intervals prevents the exercise from becoming obsessive.

Structured meal times

Professionals can help you learn how to eat in a healthy, balanced way.

Expert assistance

Appointments with a dietician to educate yourself about food, including what your body needs, how much to eat, and from what food groups you should choose can also be helpful. In addition, seeing a psychiatrist for medication to treat any concurrent disorders that may be behind the eating disorder like anxiety, depression, bipolar, drug addiction, or a combination of different issues.

Find a creative outlet

Create something you are proud to display. Spend time reading an interesting book, journaling your experiences, taking on an art project, or listening to uplifting music.

Helping others

Helping others when you are becoming healthier yourself can shift your focus. Helping the next person behind you is one way to remain grateful for your life.

Prayer and Bible Reading for those with Eating Disorders

God’s love is neverending. There’s nothing we can do to exhaust His love for us. It’s natural to drift away from God, to struggle to feel His presence or to forget His promises for our lives. Here are some scripture verses to meditate on during your recovery.

To remind you how intimately God cares about your life

My darling, everything about you is beautiful, and there is nothing at all wrong with you. – Song of Solomon 4:7

You see, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands. – Isaiah 49:16

And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows. – Luke 12:7

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. – Psalm 139:14

To remind you that your body is a vessel for God

Don’t you know that your body is a temple that belongs to the Holy Spirit? The Holy Spirit, whom you received from God, lives in you. You don’t belong to yourselves. You were bought for a price. So bring glory to God in the way you use your body. – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

To remind you that temptation has an escape

The only temptations that you have are the same temptations that all people have. But you can trust God. He will not let you be tempted more than you can bear. But when you are tempted, God will also give you a way to escape that temptation. Then you will be able to endure it. – 1 Corinthians 10:13

To remind you not to worry

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayers and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:6-7

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken. – Psalm 55:22

Keep these verses close to you. During moments of vulnerability or despair, you can remind yourself of the truth tucked away in God’s word.  If you, or a loved one, is living with an eating disorder consider taking the next step and reaching out to a Christian counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling. Freedom can be found only after admitting that help is needed today.

Photos
“Selfie time,” courtesy of CreativeWix.com, pexels.com, CC0 Public Domain License; “Trapped”, Courtesy of Mitchel Lensink, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Friends”, Courtesy of Brooke Cagle, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Bible Study”, Courtesy of Ryan Riggins, Unsplash.com; CC0 License

Pornography Addiction: 6 Practical Methods to Help You Quit

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This article highlights several key activities that can help individuals find victory over their addiction to pornography. In his Sex Addiction Training Workbook, Dr. Douglas Weiss discusses six primary actions that should be assimilated into every recovering sex addict’s daily life.

While these methods are enumerated for those struggling with an addiction to pornography, they are easily adapted for other non-substance addictions such as gambling and shopping. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers guidance and tools to help individuals overcome these challenges.

Six Activities for Overcoming Pornography Addiction

1. The Rubber Band Method

The brain plays a part in every addiction. Certain activities (e.g. watching porn, shopping, gambling) engage the reward center of our brain which releases the chemical dopamine, giving the individual a sort of natural high. This substantially increases the likelihood that the activity will be repeated, creating a threshold for addiction. Over time, the neural pathway in the brain becomes so strong that it becomes harder and harder to stop the behavior.

How the Method Works

Place a thick rubber band around one wrist. Each time you are tempted to engage in the unwanted behavior, snap the rubber band hard against your wrist. The pain stimulus thwarts the work of the subcortical, or impulse-regulating, part of the brain which was poised to reward the acted-upon impulse with a boost of dopamine. Developing the habit of responding to the impulse (e.g. to watch porn) with a snap of the rubber band essentially breaks the impulse-behavior-reward cycle.

2. Prayer

Recovery is an all-out battle and calls for unprecedented vigilance. Most of us try to overcome our addictions with increased will-power or vows to do better next time, all to no avail. We cannot do battle alone. Every morning, pray that God will give you His strength to fight.

Don’t wait until you feel like praying – you often won’t. Don’t wait for a convenient time to pray – you won’t find one. Just pray. Every. Single. Day. Daily, intentional prayer reminds you that you’re not alone and that you have access to supernatural power to overcome the addiction.

3. Connection

Addictions often plunge people into isolation, so connecting with other people is essential while in recovery. In the same way that soldiers fight in battalions, we are not created to do battle with addiction alone.

We need people we can call when we’re facing temptation – people who are safe, available, and not afraid to speak truth to us. In order to establish these accountability relationships, we must first humble ourselves enough to acknowledge that we need others. And then we must call them!

4. Reading

Because battling addiction requires constant vigilance, those seeking victory must make use of every available resource.

Numerous books on porn addiction can be found in the marketplace as well as in public libraries – even digital copies – which can help keep the mind engaged in the process of recovery.

5. Support Group Meetings

As we mentioned earlier, connection with others is essential to the recovery process, but something must be said for connecting with those who are really in the trenches with you.

Support groups and 12-step programs provide connections with fellow recovering addicts – people who have been where you are – which fosters a sense of being truly understood. Making the effort to consistently attend the meetings is also an important step in making recovery a tangible, objective goal.

6. Prayer

Just as you pray for strength at the start of your day, recovering addicts should end the day with a prayer of confession and thanks.

In that way, prayer acts as the bookends of your day and is a means of reflecting on how God has provided for you; it expresses your dependence on God for all things, not just what is related to your recovery.

Christian Counseling for Pornography Addiction Recovery

Newport Beach Christian Counseling can be a powerful resource for those seeking recovery from porn addiction. If you would like help in applying these six methods to your daily life, let me coach you through your recovery.

 

Reference

Weiss, D. (2014). Sex Addiction Training Workbook. American Association for Sex Addiction. Colorado Springs, CO: Discovery Press

Photos

“Rubber band”, Courtesy of Neonbrand, Unsplash.com,. CC0 License; “Prayer”, Courtesy of Jordan Whitfield, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Books”, Courtesy of Rendiansyah Nugroho, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Prayer”, Courtesy of Ayo Ogunseinde, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

The Benefits of Christian Grief Counseling after Losing a Spouse

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There is arguably no harder life change than losing your marriage partner. Whether your spouse died suddenly or after a prolonged illness, you are left in a familiar yet devastated world. Understanding the natural aspects and steps of grieving can be beneficial as you begin the process of living life without your partner. Newport Beach Christian Counseling provides support for individuals navigating the complexities of grief and loss.

Acknowledgement of the Loss

The first response to the loss of a loved one is that of thinking, “they really aren’t gone, are they?” As you grieve, you gradually move from this initial response to a more intellectual acceptance that your spouse is gone and they will never return.

This knowledge also becomes your new emotional reality – e.g. when you remember that your partner is no longer there to turn to, or when you expect familiar words, gestures or responses.

Such habits of togetherness only serve as painful reminders of your loss. This explains why some people suffering from the loss of a loved one reportedly “see” their departed spouse in public places, only to realize later on that it was someone else with a striking resemblance of their loved one that merely conjured memories. Seeing someone you mistake to be your loved one usually brings a ray of hope, a temporary thought that your loved one is not gone after all.

The Need for Expressing Grief

Experiencing the pain of loss is another natural and important part of the grieving process. It includes being willing to not only feel but also express your hurt and any other emotion brought about by your loss.

Grief is a painful experience and it is normal to be overwhelmed with sadness.  Feeling the pain and grief of death helps you to process the different aspects of your loss. It is normal to feel alone because as the bereaved spouse, you are now alone in the relationship.

These strong emotions play an important role in helping you come to terms at an emotional level that your partner is no more. Sometimes, some upsetting and uncomfortable emotions might also emerge. Anxiety, anger, despair, guilt, regret and even depression may surface. These typically reveal the difficult parts of the relationship between the deceased and the bereaved.

Finding Hope in Pain through the Cross

For believers in Christ, death is more than a natural event. We were actually created to be immortal but as a result of sin, death comes upon mankind. We not only die but we also go through the pain of watching loved ones die.

Nonetheless, the death of Christ and his conquering of sin give us the hope that death is not the last state for us and our loved ones.

Christian Grief Counseling for the Bereaved

Friends, family and everyone else in the support system of the couple (like social groups and a church family), should help support the person that loses a loved one. However, after three or four months of grieving, the bereaved spouse is often encouraged to move on with life or at least adjust better.

Naturally, the loss will hit the left spouse harder than it will hit other people. When the initial shock of the loss of a loved one begins to fade off, at a time when they would really do with more specific support, the support almost always declines. This is an ideal time to pursue Christian grief counseling at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to find the necessary additional support and guidance.

Photos
“Grief”, Courtesy of Claudia, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Gone”, Courtesy of Ian Dooley, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Prayer”, Courtesy of Ben White, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Grief”, Courtesy of Kinga Cichewicz, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

What is Codependency? 12 Common Signs of Codependent Relationships

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What is codependency? Codependency is common and most people struggle with it to some degree. If you find yourself constantly sacrificing for others, setting your needs to the side, and always seeking to fix the person or present problem, you might be struggling with codependent tendencies. The inability to feel whole just as you are requires you to look for that feeling somewhere else. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help individuals explore and address these tendencies.

The “need to be needed” fuel’s the life of a codependent. In the book, Codependence: Healing the Human Condition, Charles L. Whitfield calls codependence a “disease of lost selfhood.”

He says that we become codependent when we turn our responsibility for ourselves over to someone else. We lose sight of who we are and what we want because of our attempts to be what others want us to be.

We learn how to relate to others through our family of origin and so our childhood might give clues as to how our codependency began. For example, children in alcoholic families learn to avoid emotions and to define themselves through others.

If a child was forced to take care of a drug-addicted parent, this could develop into adult codependency.  “Codependent No More” author, Melody Beattie, identifies characteristics of codependents.

Here we will examine twelve of those characteristics.

12 Signs of Codependency

1. Desire to Fix

Codependents love to help. This is most often the case because they believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

Codependents need to feel needed. If they aren’t fixing a person or situation, then their identity feels unstable and emptiness sets in. The codependent person always wants to be the one to handle every crisis.

2. Self-Sacrificing

They often overcommit themselves and will neglect their own needs to meet someone else’s needs. Their partner’s happiness is their responsibility. This tendency often makes codependents targets for people with narcissistic personalities.

They struggle to say no when someone asks for something. A codependent person can look like a hero to others, but in truth, their help is motivated by unhealthy impulses.  Codependents are the types that need to be reminded to put their own airplane mask on before helping the person in the seat next to them.

3. Poor Boundaries

People struggling with codependency also struggle with boundaries. As a child, perhaps generational boundaries were blended, and you had to take on the role of a parent. Weak or nonexistent boundaries can form for a variety of reasons, but setting and maintaining firm boundaries is critical to teaching others to respect you.

They provide a sort of “force field” that prevents the kind of emotional abuse that can happen in close (though dysfunctional) relationships. Boundaries tell people how to treat us.  If there aren’t any boundaries, codependents risk becoming a doormat.  By setting and respecting healthy boundaries, you can retrain your relationships.

4. Unhealthy attachments

Codependents are constantly seeking approval, yet recoil at the thought of rejection. They are unable to find personal satisfaction and crave being attached to someone for their happiness.

Codependents stay in abusive relationships because they believe either that the other person will change or is the only one that will love them. Codependents can become obsessed with being with a friend or partner.

5. Fluctuating self-worth

Codependents lack confidence in themselves. They have a sense that they are not worthy and nothing that they ever do is good enough. They long for compliments, but when they get them, they reject them because they think them untrue. Their self-worth is similar to a yo-yo as it bounces up and down and hinges on what the important people in their life say about them.

6. Repression

Codependents are often rigid and controlled. They are often afraid to be who they really are for fear of being judged. Codependents usually learn at an early age to repress their emotions.

7. Obsession

Codependents worry about everything and everybody to the point of obsession. They become enmeshed with others and are often anxious about other’s problems. They focus all their energy on someone else as a result of their deeply ingrained dependency.  Often, they can’t let go of a relationship because of their obsession with that person.

8. Controlling

Codependency often forms after growing up in an uncontrollable environment, possibly with an alcoholic or emotionally absent parent. Codependents have a habit of manipulating people by using guilt, helplessness or even extreme kindness. It’s important for the codependent to feel in control.  They believe they can change someone and that changing them will make them happy.

9. Denial

Codependents smile in faux agreement with a friend. They pretend that things aren’t as bad as they seem or make excuses for a loved one’s behavior.  They bury themselves in work and pretend the problem doesn’t exist.

10. Dysfunctional communication

Codependents often don’t communicate properly. They find it difficult to communicate their own thoughts, feelings, and needs because they don’t know them. They often wait to express their opinions until they know what other people are thinking. They try to say what will please people or what will get others to do what they want. They don’t say what they mean or mean what they say.

11. Lack of trust

Codependents lack trust in themselves and others. This is usually seen when trust was damaged at an early age in life and has never been truly recovered. They doubt their feelings and decisions. They think that God has abandoned them and they can lose their faith in God.

12. Anger

Codependents are often filled with suppressed anger that they don’t know how to manage effectively. When people don’t do what codependents want, they feel angry, victimized, unappreciated and powerless.

Codependents often feel afraid, hurt, and angry, and they often live with others who are the same way. They cry regularly, get depressed, overreact, get sick, and have violent temper outbursts. They often punish others for making them feel angry.

Codependency usually stems from experiences that occurred in childhood that have bled over into adult life. Treatment consists of exploring some of those childhood memories and looking at current codependent behavior patterns.

If you have identified with any of the signs listed above and want to delve more into those problem areas, consider reaching out to a Christian counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling today. Choosing the right counselor can make all the difference on your road to recovery.

Photos
“Bondage”, Courtesy of Josh Johnson, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Do More”, Courtesy of Carl Heyerdahl, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Worry”, Courtesy of Maria Victoria Heredia Reyes, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Distrust”, Courtesy of Joshua Rawson Harris, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Common Abandonment Issues: Do You See Yourself Here?

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Most people have struggled with some level of fear of being ‘abandoned.’ For many of us, this may be intrinsic to our thinking. We can often feel as if we are inadequate for the people that we are in a relationship with, and we may worry that they will suddenly leave us because of this. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can provide support in addressing these fears and building healthier, more secure relationships.

As a result, this can lead to trust issues which can manifest themselves as an inability to commit to those same relationships that are so dear to our us. It is so important to recognize these abandonment issues before they start affecting the way in which we interact with those around us.

10 Common Abandonment Issues

Here are 10 of the most common abandonment issues. Are any of these true of you?

1. You Struggle to Let People In

Do you feel as if you constantly have to keep your guard up? Do you set up boundaries around your life in a way that protects you from giving too much away to your loved ones? Some of this can be healthy, but when you are unable to be vulnerable before those who are dearest to you, you have a problem.

2. You Detach Yourself From Those Nearest To You

Do you ever feel as if you are distancing yourself from those around you? Are you closing off from your partner? While over-dependence is never healthy, it is relationally appropriate for you to have some level of dependence on your loved ones. This helps nurture a deep, lasting relationship.

3. You Are Overly Clingy

We all get a bit clingy sometimes. When something happens in your life that threatens to rock your foundations, it is natural to want to cozy up with your partner.

But a perpetual state of clinginess is not healthy and may indicate that you are harboring a deeper issue related to abandonment. Clingy people can be overly demanding, and their relationships are likely to be dysfunctional.

4. You Struggle To Feel Love

Do you struggle to give and receive affection? Do you often feel numb when you are around your loved ones? People who fear abandonment often struggle to engage in any physical affection and may withdraw from situations where this has the potential to occur. Bonding becomes very difficult, and relationships often become strained.

5. You Seek To Control

Those who struggle with abandonment live in a constant state of relational uncertainty. This often produces controlling behavior. Do you commit yourself to knowing everything about your partner’s whereabouts at all times? Do you “blackmail” your partner in order to keep them from leaving you? This kind of behavior undermines any foundation of trust you are seeking to build and renders the relationship stilted and unhappy.

6. You Think The Worst Of People

Does the worst-case scenario always seem like the most likely outcome to you? Do you constantly think that those closest to you harbor ulterior motives as to why they want to spend time with you?

Do you always shy away from conflict, fearing that you will fall out with people and that they will abandon you? These negative core beliefs about yourself and others can lead to fractured and damaging relationships.

7. You Are Always Looking For Flaws

Do you compile a list of your partner’s failings? Do you dwell on the small wrongs you have suffered at their hands? Are you always on the lookout for flaws that you can pick up on in others? This mindset often stems from a fear of closeness. In order to protect yourself, you seek to find imperfections in others and demand perfection from yourself.

8. You Fear Intimacy

Do you run at the first sign of any real intimacy? Those who harbor an issue related to abandonment tend to go either way when it comes to engaging in a relationship. They either hold on far too tight and smother their partner, or they fail to show adequate commitment, leaving their partner feeling discouraged and insecure.

9. You Have Very Weak Boundaries

Those dealing with abandonment issues may find themselves in codependent relationships. Do you constantly seek to keep your partner happy because you are afraid they might leave you?

Do you make excuses for your partner’s poor behavior because you fear the consequences that standing up to them or pointing out any of their faults would bring? Do you constantly feel as if you must prove your worth in the relationship? Inevitably, this leads to an unhealthy relationship.

10. You Are Overly Sensitive

Do you often find yourself overreacting? Do you put up walls of defense at any sign of danger? If you feel as if you are going to be abandoned, you may find yourself incapable of dealing with any criticism, even if it is offered in love. Relentlessly attempting to justify your behavior produces frustration in those around you and often results in poorly maintained relationships.

The good news is, there’s hope! You do not have to be driven by your fear of abandonment. With the right help from a professionally trained counselor, you can be equipped with the right tools to help you throw off insecurity, doubt, and anxiety, and participate in therapy that is tailored to suit your emotional needs. You will be given the help required to start building healthy, lasting, and life-giving relationships with those around you. Newport Beach Christian Counseling is here to provide the support you need to overcome these challenges and thrive in your relationships.

Photos
“Empty,” courtesy of Eddy Lackmann, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Diselo a la mano!” courtesy of Pablo, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY-SA 2.0); “Angry,” courtesy of Forrest Cavale, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Morning Chills,” courtesy of Ian Dooley, unsplash.com, CC0 License

ADHD Treatment Options: Beyond Medication

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If you’re looking for ADHD treatment options that go beyond the typical medication solutions, this article is for you. First, let’s get a better understanding of what ADHD really is and what the symptoms include.

ADHD: What is it?

ADHD is a common disorder. The Diagnostic Statistical Manual, 5th Edition of the American Psychiatric Association (DSM-5), refers to Attention-Deficit Disorder (ADD) / Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) as a “Neuro-developmental Disorder” and calls it a neurological disease. Though the disorder is more common in children, the manual notes that it can occur in people of all ages. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers support and strategies for managing ADHD in both children and adults.

The National Institute of Mental Health (NIH) defines ADHD as “a brain disorder marked by an ongoing pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity-impulsivity that interferes with functioning or development.”

The NIH specifies three essential types:

  • Inattention – the person easily gets off task, fails to persist, has trouble focusing and staying organized.
  • Hyperactivity – the person is always on the move, regardless of whether it is appropriate or not. They may fidget non-stop, tap, or talk. In adults, this may be exhibited as acute restlessness or causing others to become worn out with the non-stop activity.
  • Impulsivity – the person may be prone to making snap decisions without thinking through any potential consequences or ramifications. They may feel a strong need for immediate gratification and display an unwillingness to delay gratification. They may constantly interrupt others and may make crucial decisions without giving them proper thought.

The Mayo Clinic’s website calls ADHD “a chronic condition that affects millions of children and often continues into adulthood. ADHD includes a combination of persistent problems, such as difficulty sustaining attention, hyperactivity and impulsive behavior … children with ADHD also may struggle with low self-esteem, troubled relationships and poor performance in school. Symptoms sometimes lessen with age [but] some people never completely outgrow their ADHD symptoms.”

The Mayo Clinic also lists several different real-life scenarios as examples to demonstrate the difficulties that those who suffer from ADHD will often experience:

  • The tendency toward classroom difficulties, which can be the cause of academic failure, judgment from others, and low self-esteem
  • The tendency to being accident-prone and suffering more injuries than non-ADHD children
  • The tendency toward low self-esteem
  • The tendency to struggle with interpersonal interaction
  • Greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse

Also, according to the Mayo Clinic, ADHD children are much more likely to suffer from such conditions as:

  • Learning disabilities, especially with communication and understanding
  • A variety of anxiety disorders
  • Depression
  • Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder, seen in irritability and easy frustration
  • Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), marked by a habit of defiant, negative, or even hostility toward those in authority
  • Conduct disorder, demonstrated in antisocial behavior like fighting, stealing, vandalism, or causing harm to animals or people
  • Bipolar disorder, which is characterized by both depression and mania
  • Tourette’s syndrome

What Causes ADHD?

CHADD and the NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health) state that even after a plethora of studies, the sources of ADHD are still relatively elusive. NIMH suggests that “like many other illnesses, a number of factors can contribute to its development,” such as:

  • Genes – more than 20 genetic studies indicate clear evidence that ADHD runs in families.
  • Smoking, alcohol consumption, or use of drugs while pregnant
  • Environmental toxin exposure while pregnant. or for the child, at a very young age
  • Over-consumption of sugar
  • Low birth weight
  • Various brain injuries

CHADD also lists the following items, which while they are not known causes, are believed to intensify ADHD symptoms for some:

  • Excessive watching of television
  • Excessive sugar intake
  • Stress in the family (e.g. – conflict, poverty)
  • Trauma

There is a mixed bag of opinions when it comes to the distinct “causes” of ADHD, though most experts would agree that it is rooted in a neurological chemical imbalance.

ADHD has, like many mental disorders, been medicalized, and serious efforts are underway to reassure parents that ADHD is not as a result of bad parenting, family issues, bad teachers, or improper socialization. Lacking well-tested evidence one way or the other, ADHD is currently viewed as a brain-based medical/genetic disorder.

ADHD Treatment

Both the Mayo Clinic and NIMH are convinced that certain treatments can drastically reduce ADHD symptoms, improving quality of life.

A variety of medications are prescribed and combined with various therapy approaches:

  • Behavior therapy: Parents and teachers can adopt behavior-modification techniques, such as reward systems or timeouts.
  • Psychotherapy: Older ADHD children are encouraged to discuss the things that are bothering them, exploring inappropriate patterns of behavior, and learning appropriate and healthy ways to manage their condition.
  • Skill Training for Parents: Parents develop and put into practice ways of understanding and guiding their child into right behavior.
  • Family therapy: This nurtures the family dynamic and will assist both the parent and child in understanding the challenges they face.
  • Training in Social Skills: Children are helped to develop acceptable social behaviors that will serve them well in adult life.

The Mayo Clinic also recommends some alternative treatment methods:

  • Meditation or Yoga: Regular practice of yoga or meditation can help children learn relaxation and discipline, which can help them learn to manage their ADHD.
  • Special diets: The diets typically recommended for those suffering from ADHD require them to eliminate foods that are rich in sugar and fat. Experts would also advise avoiding additives and coloring. However, studies so far have not discovered a substantial link between ADHD and diet. It is recommended that those with ADHD stay away from caffeine, which can trigger many of the symptoms associated with this disease.
  • Vitamin or mineral supplements: While there is no conclusive evidence that they can actively alleviate ADHD symptoms, vitamins can be good for one’s general health. “Megadoses” of vitamins – doses that are in excess of the Recommended Dietary Allowance (RDA) – can cause harm.
  • Herbal supplements: To date, no evidence suggests that herbal remedies are of help in managing ADHD, and on the contrary, some can even be dangerous.
  • Proprietary formulations: Made of vitamins and micronutrients, as well as other ingredients, there is little evidence to suggest they can do any good.
  • Essential fatty acids: These fats, which include omega-3 oils, are necessary for the brain to function well. Research regarding their efficacy is still ongoing.
  • Neurofeedback* training (also referred to as electroencephalographic (EEG) biofeedback): a child is taught to focus on performing a specific task while employing a machine which displays brainwave patterns and activity, keeping brain wave patterns active in the front of the brain, and thereby improving ADHD symptoms. Additional research is required to determine the efficacy of this treatment.
  • Regular exercise, alongside its general health benefits, may also positively affect ADHD children’s behavior when supplemented by other kinds of treatment.

Christians and ADHD Treatment

The Medicalization of ADHD

The medicalization of ADHD has been occurring for some time. Current estimates by CHADD suggest that more than 1 in 10 U.S. children, ages 4-17 have received a positive ADHD diagnosis and that more than 15% of elementary school-aged children are routinely diagnosed as having ADHD. These numbers alarm many people who call into question the APA’s contention that ADHD should be classed with the neurobehavioral diseases.

Additionally, it is important to treat the medicalization with caution. It can become too easy for difficult children to be broadly defined as suffering from ADHD and quickly medicated as a result. This may not be dealing with their root problems and simply numbs the neurological problem without adequately treating it.

A 2012 article in Der Spiegel magazine quotes Dr. Leon Eisenberg, a pioneer in ADHD studies, who eventually distanced himself from the over-diagnosis of ADHD. “ADHD is a prime example of a fabricated disorder,” Eisenberg said. “The genetic predisposition to ADHD is completely overrated.” Instead, child psychiatrists should investigate much more thoroughly the psychosocial reasons that can lead to behavioral problems, said Eisenberg. Are there fights with the parents, do mothers and fathers live together, are there family problems? Such questions are important, but they take a long time, said Eisenberg, adding with a sigh: “A pill commits itself very quickly.”

Too often, a purely medical diagnosis misses the holistic nature of the condition. Plus, the ADHD label can become very stigmatizing. Author Kati Li claims that “by diagnosing kids with ADHD, biological factors have come to override what used to be considered moral problems under the jurisdiction of the family.”

Li asserts that the medicalizing ADHD fails to hold children responsible for their own actions. Rather, it relegates unacceptable behavior to the realm of disease, and families are not considered responsible for their failure to discipline, socialize, and protect their children.

Medication

The medicating of ADHD is also a cause for concern for many. Many of the drugs prescribed for ADHD treatment closely resemble amphetamines (speed), a narcotic in the same class as cocaine and one that is often used in a recreational context. Many argue that ADHD medication can also lead to nervousness, addiction, anxiety, decreased appetite, insomnia, headache, nausea, stomachache, heart palpitations, and dizziness.

Anthony Martignetti, critical of prescribing medication for ADHD treatment, believes that “talk therapy” is a much better way forward. He emphasizes the role of the parent in effectively treating ADHD, pointing out that they may “interpret discipline, age-appropriate accountability, and boundaries to be forms of psychologically damaging abuse…which creates children without boundaries who are unresponsive to parental controls and who act and appear to be what we would have referred to in another time as ‘spoiled brats.’”

Secondly, he argues that ADHD can be made worse when parents lack sufficient time to actually parent their kid. Parental fatigue and guilt may be one reason that children are lacking boundaries and struggling to listen to instructions.

Third, Martignetti points the finger at societal and cultural shifts that interpret aggressive behavior, “roughhousing,” competitiveness, and other kinds of “acting-out” as actually detrimental to the self-esteem development process.

Religious Considerations

According to Ms. Li, the medicalization of ADHD appears to only offend certain Christian groups (i.e. Catholics and Conservative Protestants). Conservative Protestants rightly believe the Bible to be God’s word (and therefore infallible and inerrant), and that human beings possess a sinful nature which predisposes him to rebel against and disobey God’s laws. On this basis, they also discourage behaviors that constitute a health risk (i.e. – smoking, extramarital sex, drug use, fornication, etc.).

Evangelicals point out that according to 1 Cor. 6:19 the body of a Christian is a temple of the Holy Spirit and therefore must remain free of sin. Evangelicals reject much of secular psychiatry due to its secular presuppositions, favoring a Biblical approach instead. As a result, they typically do not view ADHD as a disease. In fact, conservative Protestants and Roman Catholics have both recognized the spiritual aspects of ADHD.

The Bible contains teaching about many of the symptoms of ADHD. A quick search of a Bible app will turn up references to “attentiveness” (Proverbs 6:6-8, 6:20-21, 7:24, 12:11, 24:27; Colossians 3:23; James 1:19; Deuteronomy 6:6-8; 1 Peter 1:12-15), “self-control” (Galatians 5:23, 2 Peter 1:6, 1 Corinthians 9:27, Proverbs 10:19, 25:28, Matthew 12:36, Philippians 4:8), and “impulsivity” (Proverbs 18:13, 21:5, James 1:2-4, 1:19, Galatians 5:22).

In addition, Philippians 2:3-4 demonstrates the need for one to have a servant’s heart, Romans 12:2, Ephesians 4:23, and Philippians 4:8 teach self-control over one’s own thought life, 1 Corinthians 14:40 implies that living lives of disciplined structure is desirable, 2 Timothy 3:10-11 shows that demonstrating acceptable behavior is important, and 2 Timothy 3:16 states that the teaching of the Bible is profitable.

The Pursuit of Godly Seed, a book written from a conservative Christian perspective, demonstrates how Biblical principles of children-rearing and developing healthy home life can actually be a guard against ADHD. The book points out the devastating consequences of devaluing, neglecting, and rejecting children and their need for excellent, guidance, training, discipline, teaching, protection, and faith-based nurturing.

The book argues that children may be exasperated by parents or caregivers and that this can turn them off to the things of God. The book lists some key conditions that could result in this occurring in children from a Christian background: (a) “lukewarm” Christianity in the home, (b) abuse in anger, (c) the pain and confusion of parental divorce, (d) verbal abuse, and (e) sexual molestation or abuse.

Concluding Remarks

Christians should always critically assess any ADHD diagnosis given by a medical professional and would be wise to survey all available treatments when seeking ways to help their child’s condition. There are many beneficiaries to the medicalization of ADHD in children, and indications are that the medical industry frequently undermines the role of parents and family and interferes with their attempts at Biblical child-rearing. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can provide a faith-based approach to navigating ADHD diagnoses and treatments while supporting Biblical parenting principles.

Too often, parents are effectively “drugging” their children, having been told that their kids have a “brain disease.” But we must be critical of the evidence for this assertion. Many believe that inattentive or impulsive children are simply in need of well-rounded parental discipline, guidance, and love rather than serious medical intervention. God loves these kids, and he wants them to grow into all He has planned for them. With this mind, parents should think carefully about reaching for prescriptions and should take careful thought when seeking treatment for their child.

Photos
“Twirl,” courtesy of Caleb Woods, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Purple donut,” courtesy of Sharon McCutcheon, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Medication,” courtesy of jarmoluk, pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Bible,” courtesy of Aaron Burden, unsplash.com, CC0 License

Two Common Anxiety Disorders in Children

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Do you recall what your very first day at school felt like? Or how about your first day of work on the job? These thoughts and fears may no longer reside in your memory since they were normal and temporary reactions. However, imagine how it would feel if you were to experience those same feelings constantly, even when they made no sense!

These feelings of anxiety can be overwhelming for a child. Maybe your child struggles with anxiety and you are wondering what is really going on in their head when they fear a social setting so much that they can’t participate.

It can be tough on the whole family when one of the children struggles with anxiety symptoms, and even more so when their best friend or their teacher just doesn’t get what is happening or understand how to support them. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help families and children navigate these challenges with understanding and effective strategies.

Some teachers are not equipped to know what is happening when a child experiences anxiety and they can underestimate the effects that it has on the student’s success and performance and social relationships. Teachers may confuse anxiety with other things, such as behavioral issues, and not know how best to work with parents for a successful outcome, as well as how to advocate for the child within the larger framework of the school system.

Perhaps you have wondered how to better understand your child’s needs when they face these types of challenges but are met with misunderstandings and/or lack of support from others.

The remainder of this article will cover 10 ways that anxiety affects a child’s life and education:

  • A child’s feelings of worry about themselves, their parents, or family members
  • Having nightmares or night terrors and lack of sleep
  • Symptoms of panic attacks
  • Decline in educational success
  • Physical symptoms of headaches and stomachaches
  • Extreme difficulty focusing or concentrating
  • Heightened risk of developing depression or other anxiety disorders
  • Lack of social skills or experience
  • Low levels of communication while in social situations
  • Being misunderstood by family, school teachers, and/or peers

There is a difference between anxiety and an anxiety disorder. There are anxiety disorders that occur only in children. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (DSM-5) distinguishes between anxiety disorders and normative fear or anxiety, noting that anxiety disorders are extreme and persist beyond a time that is developmentally appropriate.

Anxiety disorders in children can cause them to read greater levels of danger into a situation or completely avoid it. Separation anxiety disorder and selective mutism typically begin in the early years and persist throughout adulthood when left untreated. Sometimes children with anxiety disorders may have the symptom of panic attacks in response to a fear.

Separation Anxiety

Although some separation from a caregiver is normal in children, separation anxiety is when a child is so anxious from the separation of a caregiver that it is developmentally inappropriate. The diagnostic criteria for separation anxiety disorder include:

  • Nightmares
  • Worry that their attachment figure might be hurt in some way and a reluctance to be separated from them.
  • Physical symptoms related to distress.
  • Extreme apprehension about possible events such as kidnapping, accidents, getting lost or getting sick – anything that might separate them from their attachment figure.
  • Reluctance or refusal to leave the house and go to places like school, aversion to sleeping somewhere other than home, and physical symptoms such as head or stomach aches when separated from the attachment figure.

The most commonly diagnosed childhood anxiety disorder is separation anxiety. School disruption effects 75% of children struggling with separation anxiety because of their unwillingness to even attend school on a daily basis. Even children who end up going to school may still suffer because they cannot focus on what is being taught due to their anxiety over those at home.

Sleep disturbances are also common with symptoms consisting of nightmares as well as physical symptoms. This is a challenge for any parent who is unaware of the level of fear that their child experiences from sleeping in their room alone.

When a child does not get enough sleep, it is difficult for them to function at school. Their behavior may cause confusion in the classroom which can create tension in their relationship with teachers and peers. The behavior can become so disruptive that the teachers and peers may find it difficult to engage with them on a developmentally appropriate social level, resulting in the child being labeled as defiant.

A parent may develop their own response to their child’s anxiety symptoms. Some parental responses can end up reinforcing the child’s symptoms and behaviors. Negative behaviors may result in a parent removing them from the area in which the behavior occurred, which can increase their anxiety even more.

This can be increasingly frustrated for parents who struggle to understand what is going on with their child. Parents may continue to reinforce behaviors, for example, by allowing their child to sleep with them when they fear to sleep alone or to stay home from school when they do not want to go. This is detrimental to the family as a whole and may cause stress to the rest of the family.

Do you have a closer bond with one child more than the others? Perhaps this bond was formed with the child who most needs the sense of closeness and safety. This can cause rifts between you and your spouse or other family members before you are even aware of it.  While you spend much of your time attending to the child struggling with separation anxiety, others in the family may be feeling left out.

Not only does separation anxiety have an immediate effect, but it can prove detrimental long-term as well. The isolation a child experiences today can bring on social problems, later on, making it more likely they will remain unmarried. In addition, children who suffer from separation anxiety disorder are more likely to develop depression or other types of anxiety disorders as they grow up.

Selective Mutism

Anxiety can affect a child’s life and educational success in other, more subtle ways. Does your child never talk at school, but won’t stop talking as soon as you pick them up?

Does your child act shy in public when around people that you know, when only moments ago they were laughing and talking with their brothers or sisters in the car? Does this seem to be context-specific? Perhaps they suffer from selective mutism, another anxiety disorder that can strike children.

Selective mutism, though quite rare, typically affects children prior to the age of five. It often goes unnoticed until such time as the child enters school. Many times, children grow out of selective mutism, but understanding the effects, symptoms, and signs of it is still important because of the many ways that anxiety can affect a child’s life and education.

In order to deliver a diagnosis of Selective mutism, certain criteria have to be met, such as:

  • Not speaking in settings or situations where it would normally be expected (i.e. – school).
  • Not speaking when it isn’t merely a result of ignorance of the subject being spoken about.
  • Symptoms that are unrelated to some other type of communication disorder or which happen simultaneously with some other disorder, like autism spectrum disorder.
  • Behavior that lasts for more than a month and stretches beyond the first month of school, when children are normally hesitant to participate in their new surroundings.

Here are a few factors that are critical for understanding the kinds of symptoms that one should look for. Children with selective mutism will often have normal patterns of communication at home with their family. However, they will clam up in public settings (such as school) and may even fail to speak to their extended family members who do not live with them. Children may also be silent when in the company of peers.

A child with anxiety may have even more of a struggle in making friends at school than will a child who is anxiety free. It is even more challenging for a child that suffers from selective mutism. Other children may be hesitant to befriend a child that cannot talk to them.

Selective mutism may also produce other problems at school, especially if the teacher cannot interact with, and assess the educational levels of the child, or where the child cannot communicate their needs to the teacher.

Even though children with selective mutism can occasionally come up with nonverbal methods of communication, like pointing, the lack of communication may increase the possibility that they will be teased by peers, which will further aggravate their anxieties about being in social settings.

A child with anxiety, whether ongoing or only occasional, has feelings, emotions, and behaviors that may be initially confusing to those who care about them. Young children will likely not understand the anxiety symptoms in their body at first, but they pass into the adolescent years they become more aware and they may prioritize their need to feel better, even though they might not know exactly how to achieve this.

They may try things that may appear to relieve the anxieties that they experience and run the risk of developing unhealthy or risky habits that can lead to increased anxiety, shame, guilt, or confusion.

Parents, siblings, friends, and teachers can find it a significant challenge to interact with a child that experiences all the worry and fear brought on by separation anxiety or selective mutism. However, these challenges can be overcome – there is hope, because of the high success rate of managing both conditions.

Therapy can (and should) include both the child and family members to increase their understanding of the symptoms and to help develop more appropriate ways to manage anxiety and its causes. Children will be taught more appropriate ways of coping with their anxiety and develop skills to change their thought patterns when anxiety symptoms show up.

If you are unsure whether anxiety is the cause of your child’s distress, schedule an appointment with a Christian Counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling today. Becoming educated about your child’s anxiety can be the beginning of a new day for everyone.

Photos
“I love you,” courtesy of London Scout, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Afraid,” courtesy of Joseph Gonzalez, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Coloring time,” courtesy of Aaron Burden, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Smug,” courtesy of vborodinova, unsplash.com, CC0 License 

5 Causes of Depression: The Common Culprits

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statistics on depression reveal the extent of this widespread mental health condition – the National Institute of Mental Health estimates that in a single year, between 5-12% of people will suffer from at least one episode of major depression. These episodes can have a huge impact on the individual’s life.

When looking at lifespans as a whole, about 20% of people will suffer from a mood disorder at some point in their lives; this can include depression, anxiety, etc.

It’s more than likely that someone you know is living with depression, which may or may not have been diagnosed. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can offer valuable support and resources for those struggling with depression.

What Is Depression’s Root Cause?

Since depression affects so many lives, this leads us to ask what causes this condition. Psychologists have been exploring the possible causes of depression for many years. They’ve drawn some conclusions, but there are no easy answers, and the explanations we do have are complex and vary according to the individual.

Different Types of Depression

It’s important to give a definition of depression since the term can encompass a range of more specific conditions. The hallmark diagnosis is called Major Depressive Disorder, and under this umbrella are 14 more specific diagnoses that can be made by therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists.

When making a specific diagnosis, mental health professionals account for severity, whether or not the condition occurs in a repeating cycle, and whether or not there are psychotic symptoms present. In any of these categories, the standard minimum for diagnosis is a major depressive episode lasting for two weeks or more, with impacts on both mood and motivation.

Dysthymia is a long-term, less severe form of depression that can linger for years. Although it may not be as acutely painful, this chronic, continual condition can be exhausting and debilitating.

Another common type of depression is based on an adjustment disorder. This can be triggered by painful or stressful events, leading to a depressed mood, which can eventually turn into a major depressive episode.

A final significant type of depression to mention is bipolar depression, wherein the sufferer fluctuates between low and high moods. The “high” of bipolar can feel pleasant but often triggers destructive behavior.

The common thread running through the various types of depression is a long-lasting period of sadness and lack of motivation.

Since depression presents in so many different ways, it’s vital for therapists to ask a lot of questions to make an accurate diagnosis. For example, an adjustment disorder with depression might be based on the environment or circumstances more than brain function, and this can be processed in therapy.

By contrast, it can be hard to pinpoint the cause of a major depressive episode. These episodes can start suddenly, overwhelmingly, and seem to have no rhyme or reason. This type of depression is often based on brain chemistry issues. A psychiatrist may be most helpful in this case.

Possible Causes of Depression

Let’s take a closer look at some of the common causes of depression:

Neurotransmitters

A popular commercial created a visual for depression using a two-dimensional blob bouncing around in black and white with a huge frown on its face. This is, of course, an oversimplified caricature of depression, but it does point to the reality of neurotransmitters in the brain, as the illustration included little triangles floating between two knobs corrected to larger neurons.

This illustration managed to demonstrate the possible imbalance of chemicals that can have a significant impact on our mood and mental health.

Neurons are cells that transmit information throughout the body and brain. They have the capacity to fire signals that allow us to think, experience emotions and memories, and maintain both voluntary and involuntary control over our physical functions.

Serotonin is a specific neurotransmitter that has a positive impact on mood. Dopamine is another. Antidepressants work by balancing neurotransmitter levels.

It can be challenging to medicate depression effectively because of the complexity of the brain and how widely the response differs based on the individual. Finding the right antidepressant can require a period of trial and error.

Other steps can be taken in the meantime, however, such as exercising and improving one’s diet. These can help ignite the process of recovery. Of course, the nature of depression often makes it difficult to find the motivation to be more active, but if you can incorporate it into your life you can see a positive change to your mood very quickly.

Genes

Genetics is another major factor in depression. Your chances of developing depression are much higher if you have a family member suffering from it, especially if they are a parent or sibling. Genetic predisposition is a powerful component in this disorder.

Genes affect brain development and how neurotransmitters interact, but they are not a decisive predictor. Even identical twins do not have a 100% correlation between brain disorders. And some people are depressed even without a family history of depression. This is why we say that while genes increase the likelihood of depression, they do not cause it, but are often combined with other factors, such as the next one.

Environment

One professor described this cause of depression as a gun that was loaded by genetics, with the trigger being pulled by the environment. If someone is genetically predisposed to develop depression, they will often be triggered into developing it by their environment.

Examples of environment include workplace stress, the loss of a loved one, or even the weather (as seen in seasonal affective disorder).

The environmental category also describes a common threshold that would generally trigger depression in almost anyone, such as being oppressed or bereaved. Each person has an individual threshold at which they will inevitably suffer depression because we are humans who are susceptible to being affected by our circumstances.

Anemia

This is a physical trigger for depression that can easily be overlooked. Anemia reduces energy levels, leading to reduced motivation and often low self-esteem. This might present as depression, however, the cause isn’t a chemical imbalance, but a lack of iron in the blood.

When someone who is anemic experiences this sadness and lack of motivation, they often seek therapy and describe symptoms of depression, but any prescribed antidepressants won’t help. After a long period of trying to find the right medication, the feeling of depression will linger, fueling a sense of hopelessness.

It’s important to consider whether low iron might be contributing to your mental condition. You could ask for a blood test, or even just try to eat iron-rich foods more often and test their effects on your mood.

Spirituality

It’s important to note that depression is not your fault because you’re too sinful or not praying enough. The assumption that a person’s depression is because they’re out of line spiritually has inflicted a lot of damage.

This is evidenced by the fact that many individuals who have major sin issues do not have depression, while people living moral lives often struggle with depression. This situation is not hopeless; God can use our emotional state to draw us closer to Himself.

One common factor in this category is gradually withdrawing from spiritual habits that helped fulfill us in the past, such as Bible studies, small groups, or volunteering. Although it can be tempting to isolate when depressed, maintaining social connections and spiritual activities can be crucial to keep a depressed person from spiraling further downward.

People often withdraw because of their depression, not the other way around. Therefore, know that it’s important to intentionally stay involved and that it can help your mood and sense of personal value.

As we’ve discussed, depression is often rooted in physical causes, and we should be confident that we can ask God to provide both physical and emotional healing.

Treatment for Depression

Depression often consumes the life of someone suffering from it. Treatments must address the wide range of issues that can contribute to this mental condition. According to research, a combination of both therapy and medication generally provides the best outcome for sufferers.

If you’re depressed, you might feel trapped in a pit that you can never climb out of. Medication can be like someone tossing a rope down into the pit. You’ll need to put in the work to climb out, but that is a much more achievable goal when you actually have a rope.

Some people are in deeper pits than others. If your pit is more shallow, you might be able to climb out without the help of medication, but for others, that’s not possible. This isn’t a judgment about your worth as a person; it’s just a matter of assessing your individual situation and responding in the most helpful way.

The act of seeking therapy alone often jump starts the recovery process. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can work with you to make progress in various areas of your life. He or she can also identify any thought processes you have that contribute to your mental health condition so that you can challenge false beliefs with truth.

For some, simply identifying the depression and processing it is enough to begin to climb out of it. A psychiatric referral may be in order to help you identify a medication that can work for you. And in general, therapy can help you uncover the cause(s) of your depression and start you on your healing process.

 

Photos
“Darkness,” courtesy of Andrik Langfield Petrides, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Laundromat,” courtesy of Drew Roberts, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Alone time,” courtesy of Steven Spassov, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Waiting,” courtesy of Shashank Sahay, unsplash.com, CC0 License

11 Weight Loss Tips to Keep it Off

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Our busy lifestyles, coupled with the availability of processed foods, create the perfect storm for health issues. It’s no surprise that heart disease, diabetes, and other weight-related ailments are continually on the rise. Still, many people are seeking ways to reclaim control over their health. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can provide guidance and support for making healthier lifestyle choices.

11 Weight Loss Tips to Help You Make Lasting Change

1)   Think Small

Portion control isn’t a myth. If done correctly and consistently it will provide the desired results. A small, but full plate tells your brain it’s having enough food. On the contrary, large plates with more white space available make people serve and consume more food because portions appear smaller.

Put your veggies on a big plate to trick your brain into wanting more and the sweeter items on a small plate. When you swap your large plate for a smaller plate get ready to notice a big difference!

2)   Be Proactive

Sometimes we can sabotage our own success by not preparing adequately.  Try not to react to your hunger with unhealthy food choices. Be prepared by keeping healthy snacks in your pantry, office, car, and gym bag to make beneficial choices more likely.

When dining out, look online at the menu to make a conscious choice before even setting foot inside the restaurant. The aroma permeating a restaurant can prompt you to pick a food that doesn’t have your best interest in mind. Don’t be afraid to eat ahead of time or bring your own food when you know you’re going to be somewhere around meals you have chosen not to indulge in.

3)   Dish Up The Food

Admittedly, it’s easy to open a bag of popcorn while watching a movie and before you know it the entire bag is gone with no kernel in sight. Or opening up a package of cookies and consuming an entire sleeve without thinking through your actions. Part of eating intentionally is telling your food where to go instead of your food telling you where it’s going. Be the boss of your snacks.

If you have a tendency to eat fast, your brain may not register satisfaction or fullness in time to alert you that you’ve overindulged. This is a pattern for many on holidays where food is plentiful.

Decide what a reasonable portion is based on your individual plan and put it on a plate, napkin, bowl, cup or even the palm of your hand. Avoid eating out of the bag, carton, or other food container where you might lose track of your consumption.

4)   Eat Mindfully

Eating is not only among the most fundamental in the hierarchy of needs according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, but is historically known to bring people together around the dinner table for a time of fellowship. Sharing a tasty meal with good company can be one of the most memorable times in life.

Distraction diminishes the pleasure that eating has to offer. Next time you want to enjoy a spoonful of one of your favorite foods, turn off the TV, close your eyes and allow your senses to bring the experience to life as your taste buds peruse all of the different flavors and textures of the dish.

5)   Discomfort is Inevitable

Making dietary and lifestyle changes will cause some moments of (sometimes extreme) discomfort in your life. Saying ‘no’ to foods that were once staples in your home can test the very fiber of your willpower. At such times, reminding yourself that you are saying ‘yes’ to feeling good and promoting your overall health for a higher quality of life is essential.

6)   Be Active

Changing your diet must be coupled with increasing your physical fitness. You don’t need to become an Olympic athlete overnight. Create space in your day to participate in an exercise of your choice that motivates you.

7)   Dig Into The Why Behind Your Food Choices

Eating too much food or the wrong kinds of food can be a mask for or reaction to problems in other areas of our lives. When we are trying to fill a void in our lives or numb our pain, we can find ourselves taking comfort in the pleasure of eating. It’s paramount to take the proper time to focus on your emotional, spiritual and physical needs.

8) Accountability

Change is hard! If we do not share our goals with someone we trust, it becomes easier to make excuses or completely give up on the goals. If you find physical activity intimidating, find a battle buddy to walk, run, swim or join a fitness class with you.

It keeps you accountable and provides you with a person with whom to celebrate when goals are achieved. If meal planning isn’t your strength, find a mentor who can offer useful tips and tricks for designing a satisfying meal plan that you will look forward to preparing.

9)   Abstain If Needed

A trigger food, like ice cream, doughnuts or cake, can set off a domino effect that ends in unhealthy, and uncontrollable indulgences. When stress and negative emotions are high, vulnerability to overeating and binges also increases. It’s more beneficial to avoid taking that first bite than to take a bite and have to slam on the brakes.

“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive. – 1 Corinthians 10:23

10)   Keep Moving Forward

Mistakes will happen. Perfection isn’t expected. Extend grace toward yourself during those moments you might fall off. If you fall seven times, make sure you get up eight. No more starting over on Monday, the first of the year, after vacation, or when the holidays are over. Return to healthy eating immediately at the next meal. Don’t allow one negative decision to define your entire day. Keep moving forward. Don’t beat yourself up, but build yourself up!

11)   Flexibility Is Your Friend

Other than your trigger foods, which you might decide to completely remove from your diet, give yourself the freedom of flexibility. People who create rigid and constrictive diets often give up along the way because the pressure for perfection becomes too much to bear.

When you are a guest, be a blessing to your hostess. If foods are offered that you normally would avoid, make the wisest selections to not offend your hostess and get back on track at your next meal. Give yourself the freedom to choose which vegetable or fruit you want to eat. Avoid getting stuck in a regimented plan.

How Christian Counseling Can Help You Lose or Manage Your Weight

Television, magazines, and billboards tell us what our bodies should look like yet advertise foods that definitely won’t deliver any type of nutritional value. Fast-food and frozen meals become easy options because of the fast-paced world we live in.

Many people are increasingly busy, yet physically out of shape. If you are struggling with making healthy choices in your diet and physical activity, you are not alone. Newport Beach Christian counseling provides guidance and support to help expose the cause of the problem and create the best path forward.

Photos
“Breakfast,” courtesy of Hanny Naibaho, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Parfait,” courtesy of Sambazon, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Bicycle,” courtesy of Alejandro Lopez, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Sunday,” courtesy of Imani Clovis, unsplash.com, CC0 License