What Does the Bible Say about Depression?

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The word depression gets used quite a bit in society. You might hear things like, “You look depressed” or “You are depressing me.” Depression is discussed pretty casually despite being a serious mental health condition that, according to the Depression and Bipolar Health Alliance, affects 7.1% of the population, which is over 17 million Americans.

Unfortunately, despite the severe impact the condition is having on our society, many refuse to acknowledge it as a real issue. Instead, people encourage each other to “feel better” or “stop being so blue,” as if depression was a choice.

The same attitude is also often true in the church. Many Christians assume that it is sinful to feel depressed and are striving to experience the joy of the Lord. This mindset is only perpetuated by fellow churchgoers and church leaders who don’t have space to hear and be with people who feel the weight of depression.

Instead of sitting with them in their pain, many choose to quote some Christian truism to their pain, saying something like “maybe this pain is a blessing in disguise” or “you have to let go and let God.” While ultimately these statements may be theologically accurate, they do little, if any, good for those experiencing depression.

Is there any discussion of depression in the Bible? Yes, there are a whole host of verses speaking to the issues of sadness, heartbreak, sorrow, and despair, which are all symptoms and feelings caused or associated with depression. Let’s take a look at several key passages on this topic that will give us a taste of what the Bible has to say about depression.

What Does the Bible Say About Depression?

In the Depths of Despair, He Cares

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish? My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest. – Psalm 22:1-2

This is one of the most famous cries in all of Scripture. It appears both here in the Psalms and is quoted later by Jesus on the cross. The cry encapsulates the experience of facing the limits of despair, as clearly displayed on the cross. In the Psalms, the psalmist expresses his pain by articulating his inability to find peace by day or by night.

What is important to notice about this Psalm is the raw vulnerability with God. In the midst of his anguish and despair (i.e. depression), he cries out to God. He doesn’t run from God or try to act like everything is alright. Instead, he cries, wails, and beats his chest as a sign to God that everything is not okay.

And God isn’t angry at him, rather God, in His perfect love, wants to meet him in His darkest places of despair. Some may see this as an affront to God, but it is actually an invitation for God to meet with the psalmist in the valley of the shadow of death where God can and will comfort him. We are able to issue God this same invitation.

The Lord Restores

I waited patiently for the LORD; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in him. – Psalm 40:1-3

Here is another Psalm of deep authenticity and vulnerability. In this Psalm, the psalmist again verbalizes that in the midst of his troubles, he came to the Lord. He didn’t hide or act like he was okay. Instead, he was present, raw, and real with God in the midst of his depression, acknowledging his feelings and need for God.

As a result, we see God lift him from the depths of depression. It’s important to not jump too quickly to the resolution of the Psalms. If we do, we miss out on the real heartbreak and despair that the psalmist is feeling. And it is also important to recognize that everyone’s timeline will be different.

All we get to see is the recounting of the Psalm, we don’t know how long he waited before he was lifted up. The wait might have been a long time, so don’t be discouraged if your depression has been around for a while, in time it will be relieved.

The Father of Compassion

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

While the two Psalms above focus on our human experience of depression, this passage highlights the truth of God and His love for us. He is the Father of compassion, and He comforts all those in trouble.

This is a promise to everyone going through difficulties, such as depression. He doesn’t promise that we won’t go through difficulties, but He promises to be with us and comfort us along the way. This passage also explains that our suffering is not useless because, in its proper time, it will be used for the good and benefit of His kingdom when we can comfort others.

Lay Your Burdens Down

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. – Matthew 11:28-30

Depression is a weight. It can feel so heavy at times you don’t know how to function. You might find yourself lying in bed with absolutely no motivation to get up, anchored down by your depression. Or maybe you can get up, but you find yourself sitting at work with an absent mind unable to do what you need to do.

This is the unseen weight and burden of depression. The promise in this passage is profound. Jesus wants your weight. He wants your depression. He wants to unburden you, so you can live freely. This is no small thing, and it may not come with a quick fix, but at the end of the day, this is Jesus’ heart and longing for you to live in freedom from your burdens.

In Him, There is Victory

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. – Isaiah 41:10

Finally, this passage is a tremendous boost in confidence. This is a very triumphant Bible verse for depression. If you feel like you just can’t make it and your depression is overwhelming you, take heart. God is for you. He is your God.

Throughout the Old Testament, God acts as the mighty warrior for Israel, going to battle on their behalf. God is fighting for you too. When you feel unable to stand, God is there to stand for you. This might mean giving you the strength get back up or have that hard conversation, or maybe it means God will intervene and change the circumstances.

Either way, the point is God is with you and for you. Take comfort in this on the darkest days, remembering you have a warrior fighting for your cause.

Conclusion

God loves us deeply and His heart breaks as we experience the heavy weight of depression. There are many Bible verses for depression. In the midst of the pain and apathy, we must remember God cares and that this is an opportunity for Him to meet us in our weakness.

Don’t hide your depression from God, come to Him with your feelings of despair, asking for Him to lift your burdens. Hopefully, this list of Bible verses for depression will help you remember that He deeply loves you and can handle your sorrow.

Relationship Help: Learning to Fight Fairly

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Fighting, or strongly disagreeing, doesn’t always have to be a terrible experience. Of course, if it is done badly, it can be incredibly damaging and unpleasant. However, there are some simple rules and bits of relationship help that, if followed, can ensure that energetic disagreements can be handled and resolved in a civil and loving manner.

One thing to remember is this: when it comes to fighting, you cannot control the other person’s reactions nor regulate their behavior. You do, however, have complete autonomy over your own responses.

With that in mind, let’s take a look at a series of fair-fighting rules that will provide relationship help as you resolve your differences in a productive and gracious way.

Relationship Help: Rules for Fair Fighting

Ask yourself why you are upset

Before entering into a disagreement, assess your emotional state. Have you had a long day at work? Are you hungry or tired? Retaining a bit of self-awareness in these moments can ensure that you don’t, without good reason, launch into a fight that is going to hurt others and negatively affect the relationships closest to you.

If it is too late for you, and you’ve already switched into attack mode, it is worth reflecting on whether there were any outside factors that caused you to launch into a fight. Knowing your weak spots can ensure that you don’t fight unnecessarily, which can be detrimental to you and your loved ones.

How can you guard against starting unnecessary fights? Well, implementing techniques of mindfulness can be extremely beneficial, as you attempt to healthily regulate your emotions. Take a moment, breathe, and reflect on why you are feeling stressed or upset. If you are still tied up in a “work” headspace, let it go as you walk through the front door and don’t let your feelings dictate your emotional responses once back in the home.

Take on one issue at a time

Too often, fights are sparked by a small thing which you hoped could be addressed briefly and without too much issue. However, things often escalate as other factors get added to the mix. This can muddy the waters of the discussion and make things more complex than they should be. As such, it is important to make a conscious effort to stick to just one issue at a time.

Set yourself a rule that prohibits you from bringing up other issues when you are setting aside time to discuss one particular thing. This can be incredibly difficult and will require the biting of your tongue. However, in the long run, it will save you a lot of stress and hassle and will make your fights much more productive and solution-oriented.

It might be wise to note down a few things that you wish to bring up with the other person prior to the discussion beginning. With this guide for reference, you will be able to stick to the issues at hand instead of straying unnecessarily into other areas. Focusing on one dispute at a time will greatly improve the likelihood of a positive outcome after your fight.

Cut out degrading language

When you are extremely stressed out, tired and frustrated, it can be easy to let the tongue go a little loose. However, calling the person names and insulting them will only put them on the defensive and make it difficult for productive discussion to ensue.

Of course, venting anger in this way can feel rather cathartic at the time, but it never encourages life in a discussion or energetic conversation – it only stunts the resolution and causes emotional damage.

Instead, you might be wise to exchange harsh terms for constructive questions. For example, if you are tempted to call the person an “idiot” for not understanding how they have hurt you, hold your tongue! Instead, you could ask something to the effect of “can you help me understand why you did this?”

This technique ensures that the fight does not get overly personal and will reduce the heat of the exchange. It is incredibly important that these passionate conversations stay within the parameters of the issue at hand and do not, in an unwarranted way, become about the other person’s character.

Put across your feelings with words

Expressing your inmost feelings, particularly if you are upset, can be incredibly difficult to do. However, it is possible to put across your feelings and emotions in words. If you are upset or disappointed, simply state “I’m upset” and explain why. When you fail to express your feelings verbally, you tend to internalize and, eventually, burst out in anger or frustration at the person.

Always beginning these remarks with “I” or “I’m” will ensure that you do not unfairly pin blame on the other person for making you feel a certain way.

Try not to talk over each other

In order to keep the discussion cordial and productive, try not to talk over each other. Taking turns adding to the conversation will ensure that you do not become frustrated by a lack of progress. When someone talks over you, it can be incredibly annoying and only go to stoke any anger or frustration you may be feeling.

Sometimes, this will require you to take the high road and break the cycle of interruption. It can be tempting, when you are being interrupted yourself, to hit back with a louder voice and stronger opinions, but this only results in more heated arguments and therefore less productive conversation.

Take your time, think, listen and prepare your response. Resist the urge to impulsively jump into the conversation before the person has finished expressing themselves.

Resist stonewalling

Stonewalling is when you decide to completely shut down the conversation or argument, often without good reason. While some argue this is because they “don’t like arguing,” it can become an unhealthy coping method that leaves things unresolved and allows resentment and bad feeling to fester and grow.

It is so important that you express your feelings and allow the other person to do the same. Do this well, and you will avoid a huge amount of unwanted conflict in the future. Stonewalling might appear to be a “quick fix,” but it rarely solves complex relational difficulties. Things must be brought out into the open between two people so that healing and reconciliation can take place.

Don’t yell

Yelling very rarely has any positive impact on a fight or argument. More often than not, raising your voice simply causes the situation to spiral out of control. When one person raises their voice, the other often feels as if they must match the volume, and this quickly results in stunted progress in the conversation and an escalation of negative emotion.

In addition, when you raise your voice, it can come across like you are attempting to shut the conversation down. This may result in the other person completely withdrawing from the argument and so no resolution is achieved.

Take a break if you need it

There is no harm in taking a timeout. If things have gotten out of hand, just take five minutes to cool down. This will ensure that things to do not become corrosive or damaging between the two people. When you are embroiled in an emotionally-charged argument, it can be incredibly difficult to simply “leave it there” for now. But sometimes, this is essential to avoid serious relational damage.

If you are breaking too many of the conversational rules that should govern good arguments, you might be wise to take a break, take a breather and come back to it refreshed and with a calmer mind.

Always attempt to compromise

Compromise is an essential element of any relationship. Of course, we all want to get our own way entirely, but this is just not how life works. Sometimes, you have to give a little in order to come to an amicable agreement. Total agreement does not have to be achieved, and you might even be uttering that famous phrase “let’s agree to disagree.” However, this is much better than being at loggerheads with each other.

Allowing the other person to “get their own way,” might not be as hard as you think, and the benefits of showing this grace will be evident to see. So, always try and compromise in some way even if it feels self-sacrificial.

How to get help with fighting fairly

The right therapist can be an absolute lifesaver for any couple seeking to improve the way they disagree or fight. You might need to try a few different ones to find a good fit but putting the time in to do this is absolutely worth it.

A therapist will help you see things from the other person’s perspective and ensure that you are equipped with the tools required to be able to argue and fight with the bigger goal of reconciliation at the forefront of your mind.

If you’re looking for a professional, qualified, and faith-filled therapist who will be able to help you get your relationship back on track, contact us today to schedule an apppointment. We would be happy to help.

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What are the Signs of Codependency I Should Watch For?

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When a client describes him or herself as a “people pleaser,” an alarm bell might go off in a counselor’s mind. That’s not because codependents are psychologically disturbed; instead, it’s because signs of codependency can subtly wreak havoc in relationships.

If someone has codependent behaviors, this equates to a lack of boundaries, and a client who is struggling in this area will need help working through issues of self-esteem and personal identity.

Have you heard of the book Codependent No More? Melody Beattie wrote this landmark primer on codependency in the late 1980s, and this is how she describes codependency: “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.” (Codependent No More, 1992 ed.)

We’ll get into the details later, but for now, remember the key points of codependency:

  • Being overly affected by other people’s actions.
  • Being obsessed with controlling other people’s actions.

This description might sound confusing at first because codependents do have people-pleasing behaviors; they don’t always seem controlling at first glance because they’re not angry, powerful people. But, as we will see, codependency is rooted in fear, and when someone feels afraid and helpless, they often grasp for control as a way to feel safe.

Pia Mellody has also researched codependency extensively. She breaks down the specific areas codependents struggle with:

  • Having healthy self-esteem.
  • Setting healthy boundaries.
  • Being confident of their reality and able to express their perspective.
  • Taking responsibility for their own needs and desires.
  • Experiencing and expressing their reality moderately.

Beattie writes this about self-esteem and codependency:

If codependents have any kind of esteem, it is not self-esteem but other-esteem; which is based on external things such as how one looks, how much money they make, who they know, what kind of car they drive, what kind of job they have, how well their children perform, how powerful and important or attractive their spouse is, the degrees they have earned, how well they perform at activities in which others value, etc. – Facing Codependence, p. 9

In moderation, it’s natural to enjoy our accomplishments, but if you derive your worth from impressing other people or winning their approval, you don’t have healthy self-esteem. You have other-esteem. Does this sound familiar, possibly for you, or for many people you know? Codependency is quite common.

Social media tends to magnify underlying personality issues such as narcissism or codependency. We can see that while using social media, everyone is mostly competing to be recognized, “liked,” and “favorited” by others. Accomplishments, material possessions, and experiences are all fodder for public admiration.

Social media can pose dangers for everyone, and if you are prone to codependency, you might notice that social media magnifies your drive to find your value in what others think. As Christian counselors, our goal for our clients is a life of healthy interdependence, not codependence or complete independence.

David Richo, the author of How to Be an Adult, writes:

In a healthy person, loyalty has its limits and unconditional love can coexist with conditional involvement. Unconditional does not, after all, mean uncritical. You can both love someone unconditionally and place conditions on your interactions to protect your own boundaries. It is building a functional healthy ego to relate intimately to others with full and generous openness while your own wholeness still remains inviolate. It is a great boost to self-esteem to be in touch and intact. This is adult interdependence. – How to Be an Adult, 1991, p. 58

A clear view of healthy relationships reveals that love and approval are not always synonymous. You can love someone unconditionally, yet not approve of their actions, just as God loves sinners.

Boundaries and Codependency

The word boundaries can turn into a catchphrase that’s thrown around when people don’t like how others are treating them. But, boundaries aren’t a way to control other people. They are the freedom we have as humans to make decisions for our protection and autonomy. Based on our discretion and other people’s choices, we decide our level of participation with them.

When you lock your doors at night, you’re not insulting your neighbors, or controlling them. You’re protecting yourself and what’s inside your house.

Boundaries are similar to locking a door. They help us delineate what belongs to us, and what belongs to other people, and how we can peacefully coexist while protecting our property. As a human, your mind, heart, soul, and body are your “property,” and boundaries are meant to help you thrive and to prevent potential violations of your rights and autonomy.

So as opposed to being a form of control, boundaries are the ultimate admission that we can’t control other people. But, we can proactively create a healthy environment for ourselves. In our relationships, we can observe others’ choices and modify our behavior as needed – acknowledging that we can’t control their actions, only our own.

By reacting in a way that preserves our health and freedom, we’re not overly attached to the other person’s choices. That’s not to say we won’t be hurt or feel emotional pain, but we experience hurt and pain and express it without trying to force the other person to change.

On boundaries, David Richo writes: “I know I have lost my boundaries and become codependent when: I don’t let go of what doesn’t work, and it feels like I cannot let go of what could possibly/hopefully work. Codependency is unconditional love for someone else that has turned against oneself.” (p. 59)

So, why are we talking about boundaries? Because this concept intertwines with codependency. Codependency, low self-worth, and poor boundaries always coexist. As we mature from childhood in adulthood, we should find our value and worth in God as believers. We depend on him to meet our needs.

On a human level, we recognize that we are responsible for taking care of ourselves. We do not expect others to do it for us, and we do not make ourselves accountable for other adults. We have many responsibilities to other people, but we are only responsible for ourselves.

Hope for Codependents

If you recognize codependent traits in yourself, don’t lose hope. You are not defective or inadequate; you just need to work through the heart issues and learn healthier ways of relating to others.

Codependency is often learned as children in our families of origin, when we witness poor boundaries, enmeshment, low self-esteem, enabling, or other unhealthy relational patterns. Many codependents grew up with a parent struggling with addiction.

In its original definition, codependency described the relationship between an alcoholic and an enabler, but mental health experts realized that many relationships display these traits even if there is no substance addiction. Although you may have developed these behaviors to survive, they are now, in turn, preventing you from living a full and healthy life.

So, what exactly are healthy boundaries? In How to Be an Adult (59-60), Richo provides a helpful summary of how to set boundaries. Here are some thoughts, based on his summary:

  • Learn to ask directly for what you want. Pursue your good desires. Refuse to live in fear, isolation, or bitterness.
  • Care for yourself and receive God’s care for you. Ask God for wisdom and discernment in managing your relationships. Work on developing a robust support system that can give you feedback when needed, whether that be a counselor, friends, or a group that you join.
  • Observe, don’t absorb. Practice “watching” how other people treat you and letting that inform what will you accept from them. This stance allows you to act instead of reacting.
  • Acknowledge that you can’t change others. Instead of basing your relationship on hopes for the future, decide how much you can handle in a hurting and disappointing relationship. How many lies and betrayals will you accept? You are your advocate.
  • Trust God alone. Only he is worthy of our complete devotion and trust. All humans will fail us, some more destructively than others. We will fail the people in our lives too. Finding security in the Lord helps us to work through hurt from others without letting it define us.

Good relationships involve an investment in the lives of others, a giving of power, without us diminishing ourselves in any way. We voluntarily enter vulnerability freely as lovers, not as helpless victims. In an unhealthy relationship dynamic, we fail to protect ourselves and live from a place of reaction versus acting on behalf of ourselves.

On the other hand, in unhealthy relationships, we don’t have a sense of self-protection, and instead of choosing how to act, we merely react to how others treat us.

Common Signs of Codependency

Not all mental health professionals agree on how codependency presents. But there do tend to be some common symptoms. The following list is adapted from Codependent No More. A person with codependency:

  • Takes responsibility for how other people feel, think, and behave.
  • Finds their sense of worth in “rescuing” people from the consequences of their own decisions.
  • Says yes when they would rather say no, to meet someone’s expectations instead of doing what they would rather do.
  • Neglects their own needs and lives to please others.
  • Feels insecure and guilty if someone else serves them in some way.
  • Notices how often they give to others and how rarely people give to them and feels sad about it.
  • Is attracted to needy people.
  • Finds that other needy people seem drawn to them.
  • Feels restless or unsatisfied in the absence of a crisis or a problem to solve.

What are the outward signs of someone who has low self-worth? According to Beattie, a codependent person with low self-esteem:

  • Feels hopeless, like nothing good will happen to them.
  • Is indecisive.
  • Has survived abuse, neglect, abandonment, or addiction.
  • Fears rejection.
  • Rejects compliments.
  • Probably comes from a dysfunctional family, but may deny it.
  • Feels unworthy of love, so settles for being needed.
  • Puts others first, often to the detriment of their own needs.
  • Has a lot of negative self-talk.
  • Takes things personally.
  • Feels guilty for doing something nice for themselves.
  • Blames themselves for things that are not their responsibility.

Where is Christ in Codependency?

In the gospel of John, Jesus promised his disciples that he would bring them abundant life. As Christians, we don’t have to live a life of survival, or barely getting by. No matter what trials we face, we can look to Christ for unconditional love. When we know how much he loves us, we are free to love others from a place of abundance instead of lack.

When Jesus taught the two greatest commandments, loving God and loving others, he added: “as you love yourself.” This teaching assumes that we have a healthy perspective on our worth and know that God loves us; and, moreover, it implies that we are to love ourselves well and love others the same.

If you feel deprived of love or acceptance, you’ll always be looking for those things in human relationships. If you know Jesus Christ richly loves you, you won’t have to feel so desperate for other people to assure you of your worth.

If reading these descriptions of codependency has opened your eyes to the possibility that you might be in a codependent relationship, please don’t hesitate to contact one of our Christian counselors. We are here to help you work through your foundations of love, worth, and value while encouraging you to pursue healthy boundaries and bonds in your relationships. And above all, we want to help you realize the fullness of your worth in Christ.

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How to Set and Achieve Realistic Personal Development Goals

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It is important to live with intentionality. To achieve our own personal growth, we need to set goals and make active progress forward. These can’t just be any goals. They need to be specific goals covering three aspects. These goals need to be guided by purpose, give you direction, and need to be made thoughtfully and well.

Imagine a motor boat. It has all the normal parts an engine, propeller, rudder, compass, and hull. The engine and the propeller allow it to move forward. This is your purpose. The rudder and the compass help it navigate the seas. This is your direction. And finally, the hull makes sure it makes it through stormy seas. This is a thoughtful, well made decision to help you get through adversity. Let’s take a closer look at each of these factors.

Personal Development Goals: Guided by Purpose

The first aspect of goals we will examine is the purpose. A good goal is guided by purpose. Every goal should move you toward a purpose, and more importantly, toward your purpose.

To put it simply, the purpose of a goal is knowing what you want to achieve.

As a result, you can set goals like this in all sorts of realms whether it be financial, spiritual, personal, romantic, etc. The idea of a goal is to keep us heading in a direction with a purpose rather than vaguely moving forward.

What can be more difficult to determine is to ask “what is your purpose?” “What are you supposed to do?” “Why did God create you?” To help you orient yourself, consider a few general principles about human purpose. We exist for the glory and joy of God and should live in a way that honors our calling to him. We should live for others, willing to give up things for ourselves.

Romans 12:1 states, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God–this is your true and proper worship.”

This verse speaks of offering ourselves upon the altar, which could be translated to giving up ourselves for his mission and calling on our lives.

When we consider our personal development goals, we consider them in connection with our general calling as children of God. Once you move beyond our general calling given by God, you can begin to consider your individual purpose and calling. Maybe you haven’t really considered your individual purpose before if so, that’s okay!

There is a lot of anxiety surrounding the ominous question of “what do you want to do in your life?” especially among younger people. What helps eliminate some of the stress is to re-frame the question, asking “who do you want to be?” This often helps people release some of the pressure to perform and focus on who they want to be.

By focusing on who you want to be, you are able to move beyond work. Perhaps you would like to have more space for your passion. Or maybe your passion can become your work. Or maybe you want to be able to provide well for your family and you know that requires long hours.

Making decisions regarding who you want to be can turn into your individual purpose. Then, you just need to make sure your goals line up with this purpose, and you will be headed in the right direction (or as MxPx put it: free to do what you want to be).

Finding Your Purpose

As you start to think about your purpose, remember the importance of prayer. It is a good place to start. Ask God to speak to you and show you what he has for you. What you feel called to might be scary or risky. It might not even totally make sense financially, but remember money can’t grant you fulfillment. Remember the verse from Romans 12, it calls us to sacrifice, not comfort and riches.

Also, remember this will require trial and error. You will likely need to explore a few different paths before you find what exactly is your purpose and that’s okay! Your story doesn’t have to match the timeline of a friend or a sibling, it’s yours. Sometimes it will take years to fully discover your purpose and that’s okay. You will figure it out along the way as you move forward.

Lastly, when you do find your purpose, keep in mind that it probably will (and probably should) influence all areas of your life (social, personal, professional, spiritual). Finding your purpose reorients your life. It isn’t just a hobby or a side hustle. It will produce meaningful and significant changes to your life!

Goals Give Direction

The second important aspect of personal development goals is to provide direction. If you’ve ever wondered what you are doing with your life and felt like you were going nowhere, then you probably weren’t setting up goals guided by your direction.

It may be helpful to think of personal development in both the short-term and the long-term. First, start with the long-term — Where do you want to be? When do you want to be there?

Start with the short term. What do you need to do to get headed in the right direction? Are you considering ministry, then maybe you should look into seminary or pastoral internships? Or maybe you want to get into web design? Then it would probably be good to find a coding bootcamp to get started.

When it comes to direction, a contradiction exists. You need to start with something small that moves you forward. Even reading this article is a good step. But on the other hand, you need to remember that achieving your greater goals takes time.

In order to achieve your personal development goals, you will need to have patience, motivation, and energy. It takes time to accomplish goals, which is okay, but the waiting can be frustrating, especially when you are eager to move forward. It can feel like if you don’t start right now, that you will never be able to accomplish your goals, but remember it’s a marathon, not a sprint.

Another note about direction is to start big. Think as if there were not obstacles. Imagine where you would go if nothing stood in your way. You can deal with obstacles better when you know where you are headed. Even when you know where you are going, obstacles remain obstacles.

But if you don’t have a larger vision, simple obstacles can turn into full on roadblocks. By thinking big from the beginning, you will be able to stay focused on what lies behind the problems, so you can face the difficulty as it comes.

Goals are Manageable When Made Well

Finally, personal development goals need to be made in such a way that sets you up for success. If your plan is to “get to Mars,” you’re not likely to achieve your goal. But, if you are in NASA or the Air Force, then maybe it might work out.

The best goals can be defined as SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time Bound). To help illustrate this definition, let’s consider someone with a passion for wildlife working on a biology degree so they can work on a creation care team. Their love for animals and desire to help care for them give them direction and purpose.

But, they are struggling in some important courses and currently have D’s.

Specific goals include a higher desired grade, not simply “doing better.”

This is also a measurable goal because if you work hard, you will see your grade raise.

Other goals will be more difficult to measure, which may force you to think more creatively about how to quantify your given circumstances.

The goal needs to be achievable,

which means that an A might not be possible to achieve halfway through the semester, but you can still try for a B. Setting unrealistic goals can be discouraging.

Goals need to be relevant.

For example, cutting out TV may help improve your grades, but isn’t directly relevant. It is better to set an amount of time you want to study for or to get a tutor.

Lastly, it should be time bound,

which means you need to have a deadline. It can’t be ambiguous and open ended.

Making time bound goals helps you create checkpoints, thereby making them more measurable. For example, you could decide to study for two hours a night for two weeks in order to get an A on a test. The is specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and timebound. Each goal will look different, but you should always have an end date.

How Christian Counseling Can Help

If this article has you excited, but you still feel apprehensive the amount of work you need to do or don’t know where to start, that’s okay.

A great way to jumpstart your personal development is counseling. Counselors can help you understand your passion and purpose so you can establish personal development goals and overcome any obstacles you face. They are a force of clarity and accountability as you seek to grow.

When we try to do things alone, it’s very easy to get distracted or lose track, but a regular counseling session can help keep you on track toward your long-term goals. So don’t just sit there! Get started on your personal development today.

Photos:
“Boating”, Courtesy of Nick Karvounis, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Wish for it”, Courtesy of SOCIAL CUT, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Man on Arrow”, Courtesy of Smart, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Goals,” courtesy of rawpixel.com, pexels.com, CC0 License

Therapeutic Activities for Children You Can Do at Home

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The brokenness of life affects everyone, including children. But since children’s brains aren’t fully developed, sometimes we struggle to help them cope with difficulty or trauma. If you have a toolbox of techniques and activities for children, you can consider which one(s) might help an individual child in their situation.

Since you care about your child, you form a big piece of the puzzle to help them through their struggle. Let’s discuss some therapeutic activities for children that you can use at home with your child.

Therapeutic Activities for Children

These activities can help both children and adults, but let’s talk about them in the context of helping a child who needs therapy. You can use them at home as a parent, and they can also be used in a school or child care setting.

Drawing/Artwork

Children don’t have the cognitive or verbal capacity to fully express what’s going on inside. Even as adults, we sometimes struggle to explain what we’re thinking or feeling.

As the adult, when you want to help a child who’s struggling, it can be really demoralizing when you realize you can’t pick their brain. How are you supposed to help them if you don’t know what’s really going on?

And expressing internal thoughts isn’t just important so we can get help, it’s important because outwardly processing our experiences and feelings helps us heal. For children, art can unlock their self-expression and provide healing.

Supplies you’ll need:

  • Drawing utensils (crayons, colored pencils, chalk, etc.)
  • Drawing surface (paper, chalkboard, etc.)

You can proactively implement art in your daily routine, even if your child doesn’t need therapy at this time. The routine of drawing, coloring, or painting will become a familiar ritual. If and when your child does need a therapeutic activity, she’ll already possess the tools and habits to express herself.

Journaling

Journaling and therapy often go hand in hand. Some experts believe that journaling can benefit your mental health just as much as traditional therapy. If your child is old enough to write easily, he might enjoy journaling as a way to get thoughts of his brain and onto paper. Later, he can look back and see how he’s changed.

Healing often happens when we self-reflect, and it’s no different for children. A journal doesn’t have to be a traditional diary with a lock and key, full of pages of longhand introspection. It’s not meant to be another homework assignment; the child can decide when, where, and how he would like to journal.

If he would enjoy it, he can incorporate art – drawing, painting, adding found paper or ephemera, creating word clouds, etc.

You can also provide prompts to help your child briefly focus on a specific topic, such as:

  • What is one thing you would like to teach someone else?
  • What do you hope will happen this week?
  • Did you get to relax today? What did you do?
  • What was the weather like today?
  • Who did you enjoy talking to today?
  • What did you enjoy doing today?
  • What emotion are you most aware of right now?
  • What do you do when you’re afraid?
  • What did you think your day would be like when you woke up this morning?
  • What is your favorite scent? What does it make you think of?
  • If you could spend time every day with a particular friend, who would it be?
  • What is something you disliked about today?

If you think your child would enjoy journaling but is too young to write anything longform, you can serve as the scribe while he plays the narrator. You can even “interview” them using journaling prompts and write down their answers.

The older the child is, the more he’ll need to be confident in his journal’s privacy. If you are concerned about unsafe behaviors, you might need to have a conversation with your child about sharing thoughts they’re having with an adult they trust (preferably you). Make sure to set privacy boundaries with your child based on their age and level of maturity.

An older child or teen may want to use a digital platform or app for journaling. No matter how he chooses to do it, writing out his thoughts can help your child therapeutically. You can set an example by keeping a journal yourself.

Role Playing

You can use imaginary scenarios between you and your child to help them develop social skills and learn how to interact with others. Practice makes perfect in so many areas of life, and role-playing various scenarios can increase a child’s confidence so she’s able to use those skills in real-life situations.

Here are some areas where you could use role-playing to help a child overcome specific struggles:

  • Grow confidence to overcome shyness.
  • Learn to resolve conflict and ask for help when experiencing bullying.
  • Manage anxiety on a day-to-day basis.
  • Say no to peer pressure.

If you’re going to use role-playing, it’s important to find out as much as you can about what the child is going through. The more realistic you can act, the easier it will be for her to do the same. Change up your expressions and tone of voice so she can develop confidence as she responds naturally.

Prayer or Meditation

Everyone can benefit from speaking quietly to the Lord or learning to calm their thoughts and direct them to pleasant topics. Prayer and meditation have healing potential for children as well as adults.

In the beginning, a child might listen to you pray, but eventually, he might be willing to pray on his own, whether alone or with you there.

Meditation can sometimes include secular or religious concepts that don’t fit into a Biblical worldview, but when used properly, it can provide a sense of calm and allow the mind to focus on that which is good, true, and beautiful, including (but not limited to) the words of Scripture.

Scripture is replete with examples of prayer and meditation that you can use as you teach your child how to practice these disciplines:

Therapeutic Prayers

Now hear my prayer, listen to my cry. – Psalm 88:2

Listen to my prayer; rescue me as you promised. – Psalm 119:170

Bend down, O Lord, and hear my prayer; answer me, for I need your help. – Psalm 86:1

So today when I came to the spring, I prayed this prayer: ‘O Lord, God of my master, Abraham, please give me success on this mission. – Genesis 24:42

O Lord, hear my plea for justice. Listen to my cry for help. Pay attention to my prayer, for it comes from honest lips. – Psalm 17:1

Listen to my prayer for mercy as I cry out to you for help, as I lift my hands toward your holy sanctuary. – Psalm 28:2

Now, a child may not be able to completely understand all of these verses, so if you can, have a conversation with him. You can tell him that:

  • Peace and healing come from God.
  • God always hears our prayers through His Son Jesus.
  • These prayers can apply to our specific needs today.

As mentioned, meditation offers another approach to achieving a calm, peaceful state of mind. This particular idea allows the child to stay engaged during the meditation exercise:

Simple Meditation Idea

  1. Find a quiet place free from noise and distractions.
  2. Explain that the purpose of meditation is quieting our thoughts so we can focus on God, His Word, and the beautiful world He has created. Emphasize that the child can choose whether and how to participate.
  3. Suggest that your child can close her eyes if she wants to. Ask her to join you in breathing slowly and deeply.
  4. If your child is younger, use the word “fun” and ask her where she likes to go to have fun. If she is older, you can use the word “relax.”
  5. Ask her to picture that place and go there in her imagination. What does she see? What smells can she identify? What sounds does she hear?
  6. Suggest that the child think about her emotions when she pictures that place. Don’t push her to share her emotions; just offer the thought as a suggestion for her to reflect.
  7. Ask her to take another deep breath, and let her know she can open her eyes if she wants to.
  8. Ask her about her experience during the meditation.

Self-Care

Do you ever feel completely overwhelmed and exhausted, like you just want to check out of life?

Kids feel that way, too! But they might not be able to express it in a helpful or pro-social way. Instead, they might have a meltdown or get really whiny or demanding, or beg for treats, or any number of other behaviors that can grate on parents’ or caregivers’ nerves.

Part of helping kids learn to self-regulate is teaching them self-care skills. When a child learns to identify what they’re feeling and what would make them feel better, they can manage those negative emotions a little bit better.

When does your child need a break? When are they headed toward a crisis? Even at a young age, kids can learn to be intentional with their time and to figure out which activities bring them joy.

Here a few ideas to start with when teaching your child how to engage in self-care:

Daily Self-Care for Children

  • Use the ideas listed above: prayer, meditation, journaling, or artwork.
  • Play a board or card game.
  • Take a relaxing bubble bath.
  • Take a nap.
  • Put together a puzzle.
  • Read a book.
  • Paint your nails.
  • Go for a walk in the neighborhood (obviously, with another person if the child is too young to go alone).
  • Go outside just to enjoy nature.
  • Cook or bake something (with help if needed).
  • Go swimming or do something else that’s active.
  • Turn on music and dance or sing along.
  • Play an instrument.

Consider helping your child develop non-digital ways to relax. Screens actually stimulate children’s minds more than we might realize, making it harder for them to be calm and rejuvenate. You can help them by setting an example of putting the devices down and spending time together as a family on interesting activities or hobbies.

The younger children are when they develop self-care habits, the more naturally they’ll be able to self-regulate and destress as they get older.

And as an adult, please don’t forget to practice self-care for yourself! Sometimes we struggle to support the kids in our lives emotionally because we feel like we’re barely surviving ourselves.

You don’t have to view the self-care ideas as a list of ways to entertain your child; many of them can be done independently. You can also help your child come up with their own list of ideas they might enjoy. Self-care for children and adults can have long-lasting positive effects.

Should Your Child See a Therapist?

These therapeutic activities can be a great beginning towards helping your child manage stress in their life. But sometimes at-home care isn’t quite enough. In that case, having your child come in for a few sessions with a Christian counselor may be just what they need to find healing and emotional health during a difficult season in their life.

Your child’s therapist can work with you to help you continue what you’re doing at home and find new ways of achieving wellness together.

Photos:
“Young and Sweet”, Courtesy of Jordan Ropwland, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Child of Light,” courtesy of Matheus Bertelli, pexels.com, CC0 License; “Dear Jesus,” courtesy of David Beale, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Smug,” courtesy of vborodinova, unsplash.com, CC0 License

Anger Management Exercises: Find the Path to Peace

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Is anger putting a strain on your relationships, damaging any self-respect you have left, and taking a toll on your peace? This article will present some sound anger management exercises to help you manage your anger and finally walk in the joy of self-control.

Acquire a Box of Tools and Use Them

Taking a time-out

A good number of individuals with extreme anger issues say that their rage usually surges from of 0 to 60 in a matter of mere seconds.

When their anger is at its peak, rational thinking just doesn’t happen. Because of that, taking a time-out is usually the best remedy so that foolish and irrational behavior doesn’t happen and destructive, cruel words are not uttered.

If you find yourself riled up and anger is swelling, these activities can help you settle down during your time-out:

  • Don’t speak until you think. Often times, it is not so much what it is that you actually say, it is the manner in which you say it. When you take time to consider your response to the matter that has angered you, it is helpful to also think whether it would be pleasing to God, conducive to your relationship and if it is respectful. Writing your response down is very helpful so you can take it at face value and so you don’t change it around in your own head.
  • Explore possible solutions. No matter what situation you are in, brainstorming possible solutions can help you see the situation more clearly. Ask for God’s help in having thoughts that are not confined to your own box and those that are in your comfort zone.
  • Keep notes. It is a good idea to employ the use of a worksheet that tracks your emotional incidents and pinpoint within your writing such things as your thoughts, emotions, needs, desires, errors, and any useful strategies you might use to overcome. Chart the progress you make too. It will encourage you to see how far you have come.
  • Taking a walk works wonders. You might be surprised how much it can help. No matter if it’s a walk down the street, through the woods, or up a mountain, it gets you out and away from where you are and can greatly promote problem-solving deep thinking. Aerobic activities have been proven to release endorphins which enhance your mood so that is another plus.
  • Try listening to music that is soothing such as instrumental tunes or Christ-focused music. Lie down or sit comfortably so the tunes can calm your mind. Fix your thoughts upon Jesus and see how your mood changes.
  • Take a shower or a bath. Just the sensory experience has the ability to soothe you and to relieve stress. It also gives you some time and space to think of positive ways to make wise choices you can make.

Recognize early stage warning signs

In order to be able to implement a time-out and to use tools to help you successfully and constructively deal with your anger issue, you will need to become aware of the mental, personal, and biological signals you put off. If you don’t know the warning signs that take place before a melt-down, you will not have time to employ the use of your tools.

Pay very close attention to all the things you note about your thoughts and feelings prior to your melt-down stage, be sure to record those things so you can take preventive action in future cases.

Below are some indicators that are common to those who have issues with anger:

  • Teeth grinding and jaw clenching
  • Shaking
  • Clenched fists
  • Feeling hot and sweating
  • Stomach ache
  • Headache
  • Accelerated heart rate
  • Red face
  • Heavy breathing
  • Yelling and screaming
  • Pacing
  • Blank mind
  • Hurling insults
  • Obsessions concerning the problem at hand
  • Feel like breaking, hitting, or throwing, or breaking things

Engaging in physical activity

Taking part in a physical activity distracts your brain from the problem at hand and also discharges energy and diminishes the stress hormones which are produced when anger is present. It also helps release negative emotions. Riding a bike, jogging, building something, working out, playing sports, and hiking are examples of things you might consider doing.

Use distraction methods

When you find something that you can do in order to distract your mind from what it is you are angry over, your autonomic nervous part in your body will have the opportunity to recover. You can cook, talk to a friend, work in the garden, go see a movie, or take work on a hobby. What you chose to do really doesn’t matter as long as it is able to redirect your thoughts.

Practice relaxation techniques

Many Christ-centered counselors suggest the popular methods below to help their clients relax:

  • Breathing deep. One exercise that is considered to be very effective is to take in slow breaths through your nostrils while counting slowly to five, then to exhale through your mouth while counting to seven, then once again repeating over again and over again, until you find yourself relaxed. You should focus on your breathing which will help distract your thoughts from your anger.
  • Progressive relaxation. The technique of progressively relaxing involves the slow and systematic tensing then releasing of areas of your body however long it takes until you are fully relaxed.
  • Stretching and yoga. Yoga is known to relax your mind and body as is stretching. You are sure to find a myriad of resources available for learning both if you look online.
  • Thought-stopping and imagery. Commonly referred to as going to your solace or happy place, this tool can be implemented to help you take your thoughts captive as the Bible tells us to do. Picture being in your favorite spot. Think of pleasant situations. Eliminate the scrambled, negative thoughts in your head and relax your body and your mind.

Journal

Putting your feelings and thoughts down on paper is very therapeutic. It helps put things into perspective. Those who have problems with rage often see things out of proportion. Writing in a journal can offer the chance to physiologically calm down a notch and to steer stray and negative thoughts into a more constructive and positive direction.

You might try what is called a three-pronged journaling approach. The first step is to acknowledge your angry feelings by venting. Try to get in touch with the emotions that are associated with your anger like fear and hurt.

Next, begin to look to God for answers. The more you meditate and note the promises God has given you, the more your notes will reflect positive solutions and hope. Then, practice gratefulness by listing all the good things in your life. In other words, count your blessings. Look back on your past writings as you continue writing new entries. You will find it is life changing.

Getting to the Cause of the Anger Within

When your anger begins to rear its ugly head, use the tools in your toolbox. It is imperative to find out where your anger is stemming from and why it tends to become unmanageable. Soul searching will help immensely.

Make a fearless and searching inventory

By taking a fearless inventory of your morals, you are able to take a really good, honest look inside yourself. You can see where your intents are good and when they are not so good. It is easy to be fooled but when you get down to business you won’t be able to deny the truth.

Then you can let God clean house and get rid of the things in your life that do not belong there like resentments and pride. He will replace them with such things as love, joy, peace, and happiness. Forgiveness will often need to be sought after taking such an inventory.

Practice listening effectively

Individuals who have short fuses and who are chronically angry often fall into a habit of supporting their angry thoughts and feelings by hearing what they want to hear when listening to what others are saying, rather than really hearing what it is the other person is actually saying. Here are some listening skills that can help:

  • Practice empathy. Try to picture yourself in the shoes of the other individual so you can begin to imagine how they feel.
  • Intently and intentionally listen for important information so you can stop filtering out things, consciously or subconsciously. This will keep you from jumping to conclusions.
  • Check to see if you have a real perspective of what the other person is saying. Try to understand their viewpoint, even when you disagree.

Look for the humor

Have you ever thought about lightening up a bit when you are angry? Anger usually involves a lot of overreacting. You tend to look and act ridiculous. Why not find the humor and just crack up laughing rather than exploding in anger?

Learn to be assertive

A lot of people become angry because of passiveness. They never seem to let others know what they really think and feel or what they really want and need. When you learn to express such things, you will begin to feel freer and less angry. Setting some healthy boundaries and keeping them is a good assertive practice too. Why not try it?

Practicing good self-care

When you aren’t taking proper care of yourself and your own needs, it’s easy to fall victim to anger issues. It is imperative to pay attention to these areas to keep your anger from getting out of control:

  • Eat right
  • Get adequate sleep
  • Be social and nurture relationships
  • Get regular physical exercise
  • Relax and rest
  • Do things you enjoy
  • Exercise regularly
  • Keep your relationship with God active and alive

Live your life agreeably

In times that we act or think in wrong ways, an inner turmoil is bound to follow. Anger management that really works takes work. It requires self-assessment on a regular basis and also requires that you line your values and actions up.

Seeking the help of God & standing on His Holy Word

Lack of control over your anger is often a very stubborn problem. Those who struggle may say that the tools received in therapy are not effective. They long for a cure-all pill instead – an easier, softer way of dealing with it. What we all are in desperate need of is the Holy Spirit’s power.

The tools detailed above cannot be effective if you don’t initiate and practice them. Asking for help from The Great Physician is necessary for experiencing true victory. Just ask Jesus to reveal the root of your anger and lead you in the path of righteousness and deliverance. Be sure to read the Bible with an open heart and cling to God’s word.

There are many times that living in this fallen world will present opportunities to become angry. Did you know that anger is actually an emotion God gave us that signifies something is not right? What we are angry about may have a legitimate cause, in which case, God instructs us not to sin though we are angry (Ephesians 4:26). On the other hand, our perception may be off, in which case we are to “put aside…anger” (Colossians 3:8).

If you find that anger is causing problems in your life, reach out to a Christian counselor who can give you the support and help you need to learn and make use of the tools above.

Photos:
“Angry Man”, Courtesy of Pixabay, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Angry Enough to Kill”, Courtesy of WenPHotos, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Write in Journal,” Courtesy of Walt Stoneburner, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2,0); “Hide My Face”, Courtesy of MMckein, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

Do We Need a Communication Coach? How a Couples Counselor Can Help

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Your nonverbal communication says more than the words coming out of your mouth. Your facial expression, the look in your eye, the tone of your voice, and your body language speak volumes.

When someone else is talking to you, their nonverbal communication is talking as well. As your mind processes what they’re saying, and what they’re not saying, you’re also thinking about how you’re going to respond!

It’s not surprising that we have trouble communicating with each other. When you hit a snag in an important relationship, a professional communication coach can help you untangle it.

Case Study: Jenna and Austin

Jenna and Austin have been married for five years and have two young children. They’ve agreed that Austin will be the breadwinner and Jenna will stay home with the kids.

Today, Jenna’s had a hard day. The kids have been difficult, the check engine light came on, she spilled coffee everywhere, and her mom called and gave her some “constructive” criticism that just ended up discouraging her.

When Austin comes home from work at 6 p.m., Jenna is trying to finish dinner while the kids whine and argue. The first words out of his mouth are, “You forgot to close the garage door last night.”

Can you predict what Jenna’s response might be? If you empathize with her feelings of being overwhelmed, you know she’ll be tempted to snap at her husband.

Austin could have prevented this scenario by assessing the situation for a minute when he came in. Instead, he was focused on something his wife did wrong, and he chose to confront her immediately.

This is a perfect example of the futility of communicating with someone who is distracted, anxious, stressed, or angry. Your chances of getting your point across in a helpful way drop significantly.

What does this mean? Should we never communicate unless everything is perfect? Not at all, but we should use wisdom to know what to say, how to say it, and when is a good time to speak.

A communication coach can offer effective communication tools that will provide practical help so you can speak lovingly and effectively.

The Benefits of a Communication Coach

Meeting with a communication coach is a great way to learn practical tools for communicating more effectively with your spouse or partner.

Here are a few examples of tools you might learn from a communication coach:

Take a minute

Just like in the example with Austin and Jenna, many arguments can be prevented if the person about to initiate conversation does three things:

1. Pause.
2. Assess the situation.
3. Make a reasoned decision about whether to speak at that moment.

If you’re feeling upset when you start a conversation, an argument will most likely follow, and effective communication won’t happen. The first thing to assess isn’t the topic you want to address, but how you’re feeling right now. Are you anxious? Is your stomach in knots? Are you angry? Is your heart racing?

What is your goal? Do you want to shame or hurt the other person? How will your words affect them? Are you trying to get your point across regardless of their feelings?

Are you trying to start an argument? Even if you aren’t trying to start an argument, have you had a lot of conflicts with this person lately?

Ask permission

The simple question, “Is this a good time to talk about x?” can prevent many, many arguments! If you ask permission, you’re honoring the other person from the get-go. You’re acknowledging that they have individual freedom, emotions, and their own stressors to manage. You’re giving them an opportunity to defer the discussion until a better time.

Of course, it’s important to make sure you’re putting the conversation off, not avoiding it altogether. If your spouse initiates a conversation about an issue, and you feel like they’re attacking you based on past conversations, let them know your concern.

If they tell you it isn’t an attack, give them the benefit of the doubt, but you have the freedom to end the conversation if they do start to attack you. Tell them you will continue the conversation only if they can agree to mutual respect.

Set ground rules

Arguments devolve quickly when the people involved fight unfairly. And when we are upset, that’s what we’re prone to do—act irrationally and emotionally. Anger and anxiety lower our capacity for logical thinking and relational bonding. We end up acting out of frustration instead of wisdom or love.

That’s why before you go into any discussion that might devolve into an argument, it’s best to have previously agreed-upon ground rules, such as:

  • Staying on topic: If the topic of conversation is corrective, meaning one person wants to discuss the other person’s shortcoming in some area, you have to stay on that one topic.

When someone confronts you about something, it’s very tempting to turn it around on them and point out one of their failures. Or, if you’re the person doing the confronting, you might be tempted to bring up other examples to “make your case,” but this just ends up coming across like an attack.

Instead of turning a constructive criticism into a long list of disappointments and failures, address one issue at a time and focus on resolving that.

  • Framing: If you think your conversation is going to be sensitive, try to prepare for it. Ask the other person when would be a good time to talk about a sensitive subject. If they don’t want to talk now, ask if they could talk in 20 or 30 minutes.

Some people, especially those with avoidant conflict styles, dread having a difficult conversation, but it’s important to have them anyway. If you’re afraid of how the other person will respond when you start the discussion, you can use framing to share your fears. “I need to talk to you about this, but I’m afraid you’re going to get angry or stonewall me.”

Framing gives the other person an opportunity to prepare themselves for what you’re going to say. Hopefully, they will be able to respond maturely and the conversation will have a better chance of not devolving into an argument.

  • Meta-conversations: Or, talking about talking. “When you said x, what I made up about it was y, and I felt z.” For example, “When you said you forgot to do that errand, what I made up about it is that you don’t care about my simplest requests, and I felt disappointed.”

You can even have a meta-conversation in the midst of a discussion. If you’re feeling hurt by how it’s going, use the template above to clarify what happened. If they won’t respond in a helpful way, it may be time to take a break from the discussion.

  • Avoid taking too much responsibility: We are each responsible for own emotions. Nobody can “make” us feel the way we do. Saying, “You made me angry” is not a valid accusation. Also, it’s normal to feel hurt, upset, or another negative emotion when someone gives us constructive criticism.

Sometimes we have an even more visceral reaction to any form of criticism. We might feel a deep sense of shame and woundedness arising from childhood hurt, and tempting us to lash out at the other person.

If we each stay on our emotional side of the street, we can resolve conflict and address issues without taking responsibility for each other. We are responsible for each other, but we can’t control the other person’s feelings or behavior.

Of course, we all influence each other, and when you love someone, it’s natural to want to improve their emotional situation or make them feel better. You can do your best to create a relational environment for happiness, but you can’t control the outcome, and you shouldn’t take the blame if they’re still not happy.

Picture this: you buy your child an expensive birthday gift. Think about the anticipation you feel before they open it. But, when they open it, they get upset because it’s not what they wanted.

Imagine your feeling of disappointment. Then, remember that it’s okay if your child feels differently than you do. If you choose to lash out in anger because your child seems ungrateful, even if they are legitimately being rude, it means that in some measure you were “owning” their reaction. You felt you deserved for them to react in a certain way.

It’s normal to be disappointed or hurt by other people’s words and actions. But lashing out in anger because we feel rejected is unhealthy. It means you allow your sense of self to be impacted by how other people respond to you.

As a parent, it’s easy to repeat emotional narratives from our childhoods, whether they’re good or bad. A licensed mental health professional can help you process those narratives so you can respond out of freedom instead of old patterns.

  • Body awareness: This might be a surprising ground rule for conflict, but physical sensations are closely tied to emotional situations. Our body has built-in defense mechanisms that help us survive intense or traumatic situations, but we’re not meant to live our everyday lives in a state of heightened alert.

Shutting down from your feelings isn’t healthy, either. It might seem like you’re protecting yourself when you do this, but you’re actually cutting yourself off from intimacy and healthy relationships with people you love.

So, when you find yourself having a difficult discussion with someone, check in with your body every so often. How do you feel? Is your chest tight? Is your stomach in knots? Do you feel shaky? Is your heart beating faster?

These physical signals are anxiety indicators. If your anxiety is rising, pause the conversation, tell the other person that you’re feeling too anxious to keep talking right now, and take a few minutes to calm down.

Deep breathing by counting to three as you inhale and exhale can help settle down your parasympathetic nervous system. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, pursing your lips like you’re blowing out a candle.

Like anger, anxiety can cause a conversation to go instantly downhill. If, instead of feeling anxious, you find yourself mentally checking out of (or dissociating from) your surroundings, center yourself back in reality. Touch a couch cushion, pick something up and notice its texture, or do whatever it takes to root yourself in the current moment.

  • Anyone can push pause: If someone is getting more and more upset, or starting to raise their voice, or sobbing, it’s time to take a break. Certainly, if someone is being verbally abusive, you have to stop talking. If someone has checked out and isn’t listening, stop trying to talk to them.

When you decide to take a break, use an “I” statement to identify why you’re stopping. “I feel like you’re not listening,” or “I feel hurt by what you’re saying,” etc. Setting this ground rule ahead of time allows the two of you to agree that you don’t want to argue, and pressing pause can help prevent that.

No matter what relationship you’re in, over time it will develop a history that gives you the potential to hurt each other. If you don’t process the hurts and frustration in your relationship, any difficult conversation will probably trigger them and make things harder to work through.

A licensed therapist or professional communication coach can help you set limits and navigate the use of communication tools in your relationship until you’re ready to consistently use them on your own. Contact one of the practitioners in our counselor directory to schedule an appointment today.

Photos:
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What is Emotional Abuse? Causes, Effects, and Recovery

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There are many types of abuse, but emotional abuse is in a category of its own. This type of abuse includes a number of ways to abuse others – as a parent, a child, a co-worker, and so forth. At Newport Beach Christian Counseling, there are expert counselors who are available to help recover from the varied results of emotional abuse.

Most emotional abuse seems to accompany parental neglect or emotional assault in some form or another, but because each person is unique, therapy can be different for each patient. Everyone is wired in an individual way, so an abusive history will impact each individual differently.

While one person may take cruel judgments from others, knowing the abuser is in the wrong and suffering no hurt, another person may take the situation in another direction entirely; reacting with self-hatred and despondency, while another reacts with openly aggressive angry behavior.

That is a simplified picture of how abuse affects individuals, but it points out how each person suffers equally but in their own unique way.

What is Emotional Abuse?

When another behaves in a snide, demeaning way on a consistent basis, eventually the person it is directed toward begins to believe that the abusive comments are true. If it is a parent constantly telling a child that they will never amount to anything, or calling them stupid, fat, or a host of other belittling statements, they are being abusive.

It can simply be a sneering or disgusted look from members of the family, downgrading the simple presence of the abused person, eventually making every encounter uncomfortable or even physically painful.

Shaming, belittling, and consistent denigration are forms of emotional abuse. This treatment can come from anyone, whether from family or their friends to a person’s classmates, peers, boss or a co-worker.

Anything that aims to make us fearful, makes us feel crazy or dirty, useless, or hopeless is considered emotional abuse.

How Abuse Starts

Abuse can start as early as from birth. A newborn grows his/her sense of self from how he/she is treated from the start. From the very first moment of life, children turn to the person who feeds them or protects them. This is the person they trust, and therefore, whose opinion is irrefutably more important than any other. This emotional structure is likely to be the root of the problem many people face.

If the person or persons we trust most are abusive or belittling toward us, we begin to believe the words, feeling that the abuse is deserved. A trusted person who yells, threatens, or shames us on a regular basis will eventually teach us that only negative responses make sense. The abuse has come full circle, and the abused begin to validate the toxic information by believing it is deserved. Some of the abusive words can include some of the following:

“If you’d quit eating so much junk food, you wouldn’t be so fat,” when in fact, it is simply that the child is experiencing a growth spurt. The child believes they are fat after it is said to them often enough, and they may begin to miss meals, thinking that cutting down on food will make them acceptable to the toxic parent. When they are not complimented or even acknowledged after losing weight, the behavior continues and the child becomes anorexic.

“If you weren’t so worthless, you’d have friends,” brings the victim to believe they are dirty and unable to deserve happiness. They become withdrawn and stop taking care of their appearance; in effect, encouraging the people around them to avoid them entirely.

“I’m so sick and tired of you. I wish you had never been born,” brings feelings of self-loathing and self destruction. When a child hears this enough, he/she begins to believe that they are hated; simply a “thing” to be tolerated. Destructive behavior starts, and the child may begin acting out in rage and self-hatred, hurting others around them.

There are thousands of stories out there, but the point is that there are thousands of victims as well. This is what the professionals at Newport Beach Christian Counseling are there for. They can help reverse the damage done by the abusers. The stories others have may be worse or less damaging, but all of them deserve to live a life free of abuse.

Living with Emotional Abuse

Those toxic people in the life of the abuse victim are experts at demolishing the ability to have a positive self-image, even to the point of making the victim question not just their worth, but their own sanity. When there is a malignant person twisting facts about the victim, even starting damaging rumors, the self-confidence of the victim plummets.

Without even physically touching the victim, the abuser has a powerful hold on the abused that can leave long-term damage. Emotional maturity suffers, and the victims find themselves powerless. Emotional abuse is devastating and much harder to recognize than physical abuse. There is rarely outward proof of the situation, like bruises or scars, so it can be explained away as just in the imagination.

Explaining away the behavior of the abuser eventually leads to codependent feelings. The dysfunctional family life begins to bleed into every part of their life; to relationships with friends and co-workers, for example. Friends become estranged or jobs are lost, strengthening the lack of self-confidence. Damaging feelings become ingrained in every aspect of the victim’s life.

Long-Term Effects Caused by Emotional Abuse

Because the victim is now holding stress and anger, they begin to suffer physically as well. Stress and anxiety that is held inside rears its ugly head in constant aches and pains, even neurological damage.

If the abuse starts early enough in life, it can stop emotional maturity completely. This leaves the victim in a constant state of powerlessness. The victim literally does not know how to process the feelings that abuse causes, and cannot find the right place to apply the blame for the negative feelings.

Perhaps the parents of the abused child were always distant. They may never have been exposed to unwavering unconditional love expressed by the parent. As they begin to marry and have their own children, perhaps, though they may love their own children, they find themselves unable to show love to their own children. Perhaps they even begin the cycle of emotional abuse toward their own loved ones, their children and their spouse.

The abused person has likely started having problems with trusting others, holding relationships, or making friends in the first place. They may even have trouble eating and sleeping. The abuse victim begins to believe that they are useless and unlovable, as well as being unable to show love to others. One of the hardest steps to take is to recognize that the abuse is undeserved.

With Christian counseling, there is a path to recovery. It starts with the first step, and that is recognizing that help is needed.

Stopping Abusive Behavior

Realizing that they are continuing the legacy of abuse to new victims, the next step is when healing needs to begin. This is when finding a mental health professional who can undo the damage of all of the past traumas. Taking into consideration how the actions of the victim later in life will damage others, everyone needs to be involved in the recovery from the cycle of abuse.

The victim may believe in the commandment “honor your father and mother” and may have endured the continual victimizing, believing that it was expected. God does not want His children to be abused. The professionals at Newport Beach Christian Counseling will be able to set their thinking right, helping the abused learn new habits and ways to deal with the feelings abuse brings.

Choices for Healing from Emotional Abuse

There are a number of methods of healing that are available, which can be discussed with a counselor. Here are a couple of examples:

1. Psychodynamic Psychotherapy

This is simply the victim and counselor talking through the problems and finding out what the specific problems are that need to be tackled to bring about healing.

2. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

With this approach, the victim is able to recognize the behaviors that cause the negative self-image, identifying the items to focus one. It includes finding the negative self-talk and learning positive replacements for them and finding what triggers the damaging behavior and developing new habits to overcome them.

Where to Turn for Help

The first step, after the victim recognizes that they are being abused, is to find a therapist who is trained in helping the victim recover. That mental health counselor can help unravel the painful emotional bonds the victim has developed through the years. At Newport Beach Christian Counseling, professional experts can help start the healing process.

When trying to heal from years of abuse, these counselors are trained to walk through the process of learning new habits and new ways of thinking. There is no magic answer to recovering from abuse. The professionals at Newport Beach Christian Counseling Center know this and will work at the pace needed. Understanding without judgement is the best way to help a victim.

There may be breakthroughs and backsliding, but when the counselor depends on mind, body, soul, and spirit as ways to bring healing, success will happen. Each hurdle in the therapy will be able to give new self confidence that shows up in everyday life. The benefits of changing the destructive patterns in life will lead to a rewarding new life, not just for the abuse victim, but also for anyone’s life who is affected by the victim.

Start Your Journey to Healing

Contact Newport Beach Christian Counseling at (949) 386-7178 to set up a risk-free appointment to assess needs.

Photos:
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Treatment for Anxiety: Options Without Medication

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Anxiety is oftentimes crippling and causes excessive worries that can lead to physical effects like sweaty hands, a racing heart, sleeping problems, and many other unwanted symptoms.

Clients who are dealing with anxiety disorders often make an initial appointment to inquire about non-pharmaceutical methods that can be tried first. It is always beneficial to learn methods of managing anxiety as well as uncover underlying problems and triggers.

Treatment for Anxiety Without Medication

Some methods of treating recurring anxiety without medication include:

  • Cognitive behavioral therapy
  • Yoga
  • Acupuncture
  • Massage
  • Self-care

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, is a widely used and very effective way of treating anxiety before trying medication. Clients go through this type of therapy in the therapeutic setting of a counselor’s office.

Anxiety tends to make someone worry excessively that the likelihood of something bad is destined to happen, and CBT works to re-frame these thoughts and help clients understand the patterns of their behavior. Through CBT, patients learn ways to identify detrimental thinking patterns and transform them into rational thoughts that will help improve the regulation of emotions.

Progressive muscle relaxation is also part of CBT. Clients can learn breathing techniques to use that will relax them and assist them in dealing with the unwanted physiological consequences of anxiety, which include psychosomatic symptoms and muscle tightness.

Yoga

Some therapists have decided to incorporate yoga into treatment plans for clients. Since they are Christian counselors, their understanding of yoga refers to relaxation principles and mindfulness instead of non-Christian practices or Buddhism.

The popularity of yoga continues to increase, and this is partially because it can work to modulate one’s stress response. Yoga can improve mental clarity by using breathing techniques and different poses.

Acupuncture

One of the most common alternative forms of medicine is acupuncture. In this form of Chinese medicine, sterile, long needles are placed in different areas of the body close to nerves. This activates a body’s chemicals that work to reduce or eliminate pain. Despite the belief that acupuncture is a pseudoscience that has mixed results regarding efficacy, many people prefer to test it out before opting to take medication, and many people experience positive results.

Massage

Massages are great for reducing tension and lessening anxiety, but they cannot solve any underlying issues that are causing a client’s anxiety. Typically, people complain about muscle tightness and tension when they are experiencing anxiety, and a massage has the ability to provide a little bit of physical relief for at least a brief period of time.

Self-Care

Managing anxiety without the use of medications is impossible without spiritual, physical, and mental self-care.

Spiritual self-care includes making time for God through Bible study, Church, or prayer; physical self-care includes any form of exercise; and mental self-care includes things like journaling or breathing exercises.

The goal of self-care is to use techniques that make you aware of your feelings and responses to stimuli or unwanted stressors as well as cause you to simply be “present.”

In some cases, medication might still be necessary if someone’s symptoms of anxiety are severe, but using things like prayer, breathing exercises, self-care, or any of the other aforementioned options would be a great addition to medication. The first place to start is to find a professional therapist who can help you find the best treatment plan for your specific needs.

Photos:
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OCD in Children: What Parents Need to Know

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When someone seems overly concerned about being clean, others might call them “obsessive.” When a person insists on specific behaviors or requires a certain order of things, words or actions, people may say they’re “compulsive”.

People may use the term “OCD” in an almost light-hearted manner to justify behaviors or rules which they themselves practice. But for anyone diagnosed with real Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), there is nothing light-hearted about their struggles. For them, the condition often brings distress and places limits on their every day lives to varying degrees.

According to information released by the American Psychiatric Association (APA), the best estimates are that about 1.2% of the American population struggles with OCD. It occurs in adults, teens, and children and it is likely that at least a million U.S. children wrestle with OCD symptoms (OCFMC, 2006).

Other studies predict that one child or teenager out of every 200 will develop OCD (AACAP, 2013). The average age when OCD begins is 19-1/2 years old, and 1/4 of all people who were diagnosed with OCD had developed obvious symptoms by the age of 14 (American Psychiatric Association, 2013).

Parents are overwhelmed and confused when one of their children develops the symptoms or begins to live under the dark cloud of the fears that are a part of OCD.

It’s difficult to know what to do when a child has an emotional meltdown or battles with someone who has (probably without realizing it) interfered with a “necessary” order of items and actions.

It should be good news to know that effective treatment is available. Parents should begin by learning all that they can about OCD with the goal of becoming better able to understand what a child with OCD is facing and how and where to find the right help.

What is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?

OCD is a mental health issue that is diagnosed by looking for genuine obsessions and/or compulsions.

Obsession: Obsessions may be defined as urges, thoughts, or images that intrude on a person’s mind and life in a way that becomes difficult or impossible to ignore (APA, 2013). For example, someone can become a germophobe. A child may become driven to seek perfection. Another lives with the constant fear of harming themselves or others.

Compulsion: Compulsions, on the other hand, are behaviors or mental acts that a person is driven to repeat again and again. Compulsions may grow out of obsessions (APA, 2013). People with OCD find themselves compelled to continually wash their hands, perform special rituals, engage in what is known as “checking” behaviors, count things, or even pray because they believe they must.

When a person suffers from OCD, they carry out certain acts (compulsions) to try to relieve anxiety or tension (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). Often the anxiety for which the person desperately wants relief is driven by an obsession. The compulsive behavior brings a measure of relief but it’s only temporary, so when the anxiety returns, the person must perform the action again to get relief. This develops into a cycle where relief from the anxiety reinforces the need to repeat the compulsive behavior in order to experience another brief period of relief.

The obsessions and compulsions are often connected, such as germophobia and washing one’s hands. Or, a student is so afraid of failing that he or she keeps on checking and checking his or her test answers even to the point of missing recess or lunch.

In other cases, the obsessions and compulsions may not seem to be related. Think, for example, of a child who counts a certain number of cracks in a sidewalk thinking it will keep his mother from being hurt. So, a diagnosis of OCD does not always mean that the obsessions and compulsions are related. A child may have one without the other.

How OCD develops and manifests itself can also vary. Also, the focus of obsessions and compulsions shift over time. For some people, obsessions and compulsion come out more obviously and intensely when they are under stress (APA, 2013). Those same people may experience fewer or less intense symptoms in situations where stress levels are low. And often, when one obsession or compulsion is eliminated, others may change.

True OCD symptoms are not simply small irritations. They consume a major portion of the time in a child’s day. Further, they may increase a child’s level of stress, bringing layers of problems.

For example, a germophobic child may wash their hands to the point that they become dry and cracked, and may even start to bleed. Then, he or she may also become terrified of being around sick people or having physical contact with someone who has even been close to a sick person.

This can disrupt relationships, or bring on peer harassment if the fears or behaviors become known. Brothers and sisters may feel rejected by the child who struggles with germophobia because he or she may avoid giving hugs or express fear which the siblings may take personally.

OCD not only affects the person who struggles with the obsessions and compulsions, but also impacts their family and friendships. Then the OCD sufferer feels shame over their compulsive behaviors. A child’s need to carry out these compulsions often builds more shame. The emotional distress that often comes with OCD can become so heavy that depression also develops.

OCD in Children: Catching it Early

Early warnings of OCD in children may go unnoticed. Children may find certain behaviors embarrassing and may try to hide them. But parents who observe some of the following in their child’s life may have reason to seek further assistance in checking out the possibility of OCD (OCFMC, 2006; AACAP, 2013):

1. Repetitive behaviors (washing their hands over and over, touching things in a specific order, anxiously rechecking school work, or repeatedly checking doors, etc.

2. Continuous fears that become extreme (such as unusual fears surrounding germs or dirt, or anxiety about the well being of the family).

3. Often repeated statements that go beyond reasonable concern and obsessively express worry outcomes that do not necessarily follow. “I must touch [this object] 10 times so that my sister will still like me” or “When I fail to pray a certain way, our team loses.”

4. Habits and behaviors beginning to get in the way of normal life or friendships.

5. Needing reassurance too much and too often (“will I be okay if…?”; “will it be okay…?”).

6. Constantly compulsion to carry out an action until everything feels “correct.”

7. Often driven to confess bad thoughts, like sexual imagery or thinking unkind thoughts about other people.

8. Avoiding more and more activities not connected to obsessions or compulsions

9. Always seeming to be behind (because obsessions and/or compulsions demand time).

10. Increased physical symptoms of anxiety, such as headaches and stomach aches.

What Causes Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?

As is typical of much of the world of mental illness, the exact causes of OCD are still largely a mystery. In fact, a number of different factors acting in combination, including environmental and biological factors, may be behind a child’s OCD.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (DSM-5), states that for those individuals who have a member of their immediate family that has OCD there is a 200% greater likelihood that they will develop OCD over those whose first-degree relatives are not OCD (APA, 2013).

What’s more, they also found that when the immediate family member has experienced childhood-onset OCD, the likelihood of developing OCD increases by 1000%. Other possible causes of OCD include significant life transitions (divorce, changing schools, etc), abuse, and loss (AACAP, 2013; APA, 2013).

Whatever the cause may be in a given instance, it has become clear that OCD has a significant effect on the brain. Brain scans have shown differences in brain activity between people who have OCD and those who do not (Scharwtz, 2016).

OCD may also have physical causes, so an evaluation by a medical professional is always a good idea. Physical causes may be addressed to help reduce contributing factors. For example, Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders Associated with Streptococcal (PANDAS) can trigger a sudden and severe onset of OCD or tic disorder symptoms (National Institute of Mental Health, 2016). In these cases, the streptococcal infection would require medical treatment.

Helping Your Child

If your child exhibits symptoms of OCD, there are a number of ways to find help and give good support.

  • Get immediate professional help and counsel. There is no reason for you to try to handle this alone!
  • Don’t fall into the trap of merely using reassurance as your tool to try to calm your child. This is not an effective way to reduce the symptoms nor does it teach your child to fight and manage them.
  • Don’t try to avoid everything that your child fears or is obsessed by since this only tends to reinforce their symptoms.
  • Give your healthy coping skills, like memorizing relevant Bible verses, relaxation techniques, evaluating the rationality of their thoughts, soothing activities, and learning to live in the moment. Stress tends to trigger and magnify symptoms, so being able to use effective stress management tools makes a real difference.
  • Demonstrate how to set proper boundaries. These can help your child handle stress.
  • Teach your child how to take care of themselves, like eating healthy foods and getting enough sleep,
  • Teach your child to recognize their obsessions and compulsions. Knowledge is a power.
  • Do not shame! There may be no logic behind OCD symptoms, but they are quite real and your child is not to blame.
  • Provide a time and place for your child to express and process negative feelings, like embarrassment and shame, that go along with OCD symptoms.
  • Find support for yourself and a place to process your own feelings about your child’s OCD symptoms. You may experience frustration and fear, along with any number of other difficult but typical emotions. Learn to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your child.

Treatment for OCD in Children

To confirm a diagnosis of OCD in children, parents should seek an evaluation by an experienced mental health professional. The DSM-5 states that OCD left untreated unlikely to go away and the symptoms will fluctuate as time goes on (APA, 2013).

Several different therapies exist for treating OCD in children. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is one of the most recommended. One kind of CBT applied quite often is known as Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP).

Much like it sounds, ERP is a type of therapy where a patient is taught not to act on any compulsion in order to ease their anxiety. Counselors will then teach a child various tools to deal with the difficult emotions.

Though the idea of asking a child not to use his or her compulsive behaviors in the face of anxiety may sound frightening, therapy can be paced so that anxiety does not become unmanageable.

Other methods of CBT, include “imagined exposure” and learning to overcome negative and illogical thinking patterns. For some children, play therapy may be a part of treatment.

Along with counseling medical, evaluation is crucial. A medical professional can help determine whether medication might help.

It may also be necessary to ask your child’s school for any help or support they may be equipped to offer. You should talk to your counselor about this.

Remember, you need not try to parent your OCD child alone! Reach out to a counselor today to ask questions and discuss the many options available.

There is hope and healing!

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