Financial Questions to Discuss in Premarital Counseling

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One of the leading causes of arguments among married couples is finances. That may not sound very romantic to talk about as you plan your wedding, but it is important. If you want to minimize arguments, disagreements, and an area of strife that could lead to divorce, discussing financial questions in premarital counseling is essential. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help guide you through these important conversations.

In Matthew, Jesus reminds us, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:21, NIV) You and your future spouse need to be on the same page when it comes to your treasure, or what you value, including money. The Bible is full of instructions about money. This shows that money is an important topic to talk about and heed God’s instruction.

As you prepare for marriage, a counselor or pastor can guide you and your partner through some questions that will help you learn about one another and develop a plan for handling finances in your marriage.

Financial questions to discuss before you get married

Talk about these questions together in premarital counseling. Be honest and full of grace for one another as you learn and grow together.

Financial questions about the past.

Start by looking back. Talk with your partner about your past finances. Consider things like debt, earnings, spending, and saving habits. The more you share about your past, the less chance there is for something from your past to come between you. Here are questions to talk about regarding your financial past:

  • Do you have any debt? What kind and how much?
  • Have you ever had debt? How did you handle it?
  • What accounts do you have? How much money is in them?
  • Do you prefer to save or spend?
  • Have you ever used a budget? Why or why not?
  • Do you have any credit cards? If so, how do you use them?
  • Have you ever filed for bankruptcy? What happened?
  • Have you ever borrowed money from a family member or friend?

Financial questions for the start of your marriage.

As you begin your marriage, you can talk with your partner about how you want to start financially. Agreeing upon these things, or at least having mutual understanding, can help your marriage start on the right foot.

  • Will we have joint bank accounts, separate accounts, or a combination?
  • What is your current credit score?
  • Who will pay the bills?
  • When and how will we talk about money?
  • How much can we spend independently before we need to discuss the purchase?
  • How much money do we want to save each month?
  • Will we tithe or donate money? If so, how much?

Financial questions for the future of our marriage.

As you prepare for your marriage, it may seem silly to think far down the road. While your ideas may change over time, discussing these questions now will help you share your ideas and develop open communication about finances.

  • How will we make big purchases?
  • Are we saving for a house? How?
  • Will we have an emergency savings fund? How much and what is it used for?
  • Do we want to use credit cards regularly?
  • How will we handle money disputes?
  • How do we stay on the same page about finances?
  • Will both of us work if we start a family? If not, how will that affect our finances?
  • Will we save for our children’s education? How?
  • How do we feel about lending/gifting money to family or friends?
  • Who will we talk to when we disagree about money issues or have questions?

Premarital counseling and your finances

A counselor or pastor can help you and your partner have these conversations. It is helpful to discuss them in this season with an unbiased third party. They can help you handle any disagreements, encourage you to go deeper, and help you consider things you may not otherwise think of.

Connect with a counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to start your marriage on a strong financial footing.

Photos:
“Show me the Money”, Courtesy of Sharon McCutcheon, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “One Dollar”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Small Steps, Big Impacts: Goal Setting, Micro Habits, and Personal Development

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Nowadays, it isn’t difficult to search any social media outlet and find others splaying hashtags and markers for personal development. It isn’t limited to resolutions that populate many timelines around the start of the year, but rather throughout. We want progress, and we want to note it in all the areas that we value: relationships, health, and careers.

It becomes easy to lose ourselves in an addictive stupor, scrolling other people’s pages and profiles. Subconsciously, we compare ourselves with a perceived ideal God never intended for us to idolize, but rather encounter inspiration for attaining our own goals.

Emotion can become overwhelming as we scan our own lives and sometimes feel that we’ve come up short. We may not be concerned with outpacing our neighbors’ particular goals, but rather, champion and celebrate their achievements. Yet, when we seem to be stalled with progress toward our aims, the unspoken comparison may trigger undeniable pain.

Even if we don’t share the aspirations of those in our social circles, we sometimes encounter frustration from comparing ourselves where we are now with where we had imagined our own lives to be at this point and our personal development. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help navigate these feelings and provide guidance on personal growth.

Small beginnings

The big result isn’t always seen in the major move. Biblically, the narrative of small unveils the miraculous in both testaments. Small beginnings brim with possibility, as God Himself commits to oversee the good that He’s begun in us (Zechariah 4:10; Philippians 1:6).

The Spirit of God multiplies our minimal resources, adding up to more than we could produce on our own. We encounter the result in more than our senses or perception would have imagined (1 Corinthians 2:9).

What is impossible comes to fruition, and it originates through the miracle of small. A handful of flour and oil sustained the widow of Zarephath until drought and famine passed over (1 Kings 17:14-16). Mustard seed faith uproots and displaces mountains (Matthew 17:20-21).

A couple of fish and a handful of bread catered lunch for thousands on a hillside (Mark 6:41-44). So, it follows in our lives; The Holy Spirit involves us in miracles that manifest before our eyes and often through the little that becomes much in the Master’s Hands.

Goal setting

When we develop SMART goals, we do so around the following: garner the specifics of what we intend to accomplish, narrow our attention on clear objectives; measure our progress; and assess and ensure that they are attainable within a certain amount of time. Ideally, the goals we establish are relevant, aligning with our longer-term goals, and are reasonable for the time frame we have identified.

We must individualize and find a system that works personally. SMART goals are intended to support us in attaining what can feel unmanageable.

Our lives are unique; hence, our goal-setting will be personally relevant to the Father’s times and purposes for each of us. God created us as individual masterpieces, predetermined to be fulfilled in Christ (Ephesians 2:10). We won’t look identical, regardless of how much we have in common or overlap in compatible and complementary gifts and abilities.

We are on a distinct path with the Lord and cannot try to emulate someone else’s process. Embracing inspiration is valuable, but we only need to aspire to our Savior’s standard when setting goals that align with the vision for our personal development.

While the process of working toward a goal can present inherent frustrations, we must remind ourselves that God will grant grace and glory, promising to withhold nothing good (Psalm 84:11). Our timeline may not mirror that of others, nor should it.

We can recalibrate our hopes, and even anchor our failures in the Lord, recognizing that He repurposes our missteps and mistakes to draw our hearts to repent or turn to Him. The Holy Spirit is at work, developing spiritual fruit and illuminating our path with the abundance of essential wisdom and revelation. We can take courage, aligning our plans with Scriptural principles to lead into the divine destiny God has orchestrated.

Micro habits

Goal-setting is a familiar topic within the realm of personal development, but micro habits present a fresh way to think about this timeless concept. Micro habits deconstruct massive endeavors into smaller, more digestible parts.

In goal setting, we zoom wide to view a broad angle of what we seek to accomplish. To achieve it, we fill in segments of our big picture with zoomed-in, small-picture steps. In short, micro-habits embrace the practice of doing a little of a particular action at a time, yet sustained over time to reach a larger goal.

Forming a micro habit relies on simple daily actions that are relatively easy to implement into an established routine and may require, at most, a few minutes of time.  We contribute to our larger goal, yet with concentrated and consistent investment.

Success with micro habits is anchored in how we perceive our worth and willingness to show up for ourselves with rhythm and regularity that transforms our efforts into an offering that God blesses in the work of our hands. Our consistency invokes the questions for our consideration. Do we value what God has placed in us? And will we partner with Him to see it to fruition?

Micro habits toggle our attention between the vision for what we are building and its actual layout and placement in the structure of our daily lives. They allow us to draw a blueprint, designing a life enriched with the peace of God and joy of the Lord and the action that follows our faith.

We cannot control everything, including inevitable setbacks bound to populate our journey. However, micro habits teach us to navigate failures that are an unavoidable part of any success. Micro habits allow us to recover with curiosity and resolve, yet without shame so we can resume progress with relative ease. They encourage resilience, reminding us that even when we’ve fallen, we can embrace both human and Holy Spirit help to get up and go forward.

Personal development

Embracing micro habits affords us the joy that accompanies small wins, thus replenishing necessary strength in our personal development journey. We will meet challenges, but the outcomes we desire generally result from consistency versus large-scale, though sporadic actions.

Consistency, even in small steps, shapes both our character and view of our goal. Even when we’ve failed, God moves mightily and decisively through minuscule actions to shift what He desires into being. When all looks dark, our joint investments with the Holy Spirit, produce unfathomable results (Ephesians 3:20).

While belief gives rise to behavior, our actions redefine what we have believed about ourselves. Enacting micro habits outweighs the large, though inconsistent moves that make a grand appearance when we’re inspired. Inspiration is an exhilarating companion for the journey, but we can’t rely on it exclusively to navigate our course. Unfortunately, inspiration gets clouded by discouragement and obstacles.

We can, however, gather inspiration from practicing the micro-habits that are not only shifting our world in the behavioral realm but also having an impact on the internal world of our thoughts and emotions. When we recognize that our beliefs and behavior positively reinforce one another, we can mobilize this to generate changes and form goals in other areas that impact our personal development.

Next steps for personal development

Although the process of setting and achieving a goal is met with challenges and rewards, you can embrace both strategy and system to support you with this important facet of personal development. Micro habits prove themselves, not only in yielding the desired goal but also in fueling the endurance and affirming confidence to sustain your personal development journey.

Wherever you may find yourself in the process, embrace the opportunity to seek and select a counselor from Newport Beach Christian Counseling . Make your appointment today. Embrace the empathy and tools you need to make small steps that yield a big impact.

Photos:
“Start”, Courtesy of Geralt, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Set Goals”, Courtesy of Geralt, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Never Give Up”, Courtesy of Geralt, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Goals”, Courtesy of Ronnie Overgoor, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

6 Marriage Counseling Tips: Things You Should Do Every Day

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Regardless of whether you have been married for one year or twenty years, relationships thrive when they are intentional. Relationships will never be perfect, they are about loving one another and serving one another through imperfections and stagnant seasons of disconnect and chaos. They are about getting to know who your marriage partner really is at their very core through the struggles and the triumphs.

Whether your marriage is in a season that feels distant, stale, or in completely different zip codes, you should keep devoting yourself to your spouse. If you feel more connected than ever, you should continue investing in your relationship. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can support you in this journey.

Just like plants, relationships require nutrients, pruning, enjoyment, and praise for growth. It is very common for people to say, “But this is not the person I married,” however, you should be constantly trying to change in the best way. You should be growing together – exploring passions, making your faith a priority, and choosing your spouse, even on difficult days.

6 Marriage Counseling Tips

Here are six marriage counseling tips to help you invest in your marriage today and every single day, moving forward:

1. Say “I love you.”

Never underestimate the power of these three words and the commitment you made on the day you said yes to forever. Saying “I love you” is choosing your partner every single day. It is a reminder of where you have been and where you are headed. It is choosing hope and fresh starts together every single day.

“Staying married, therefore, is not mainly about staying in love. It is about keeping covenant. ‘Till death do us part’ or ‘As long as we both shall live’ is a sacred covenant promise – the same kind Jesus made with His bride when He died for her.” – John Piper

Saying “I love you,” says:

I am here for you.
I choose you.
I am your person, no matter what life throws at us.
I am by your side.
I am your biggest cheerleader.
We are better together.

2. Pray for your spouse.

One of the most powerful tools for your marriage is prayer. Prayer changes things. Prayer changes hearts. Prayer unites. Prayer heals. Prayer covers your home with a desire to be more like Christ. Pray for your spouse when you are alone and pray when you are together. Making God the center of your life and marriage is the “recipe” to a lasting marriage.

“Great marriages don’t happen by luck or by accident. They are the result of a consistent investment of time, thoughtfulness, forgiveness, affection, prayer, mutual respect, and a rock-solid commitment between a husband and a wife.” – Dave Willis

3. Show affection and have fun together.

When a couple is dating, you go over the top to have fun together and show your affection. You kiss “hello” and “goodnight.” You hold hands, just because. You plan exciting dates, and you plan simple movie nights just because you want to spend time together.

Married couples must continue investing in one another. Have fun together. Cuddle. Kiss. Write love notes. Send her flowers because you are thinking about how beautiful she is. Drop him off his favorite coffee at work because you feel so blessed to be married to him. Tell them, show them, love them!

Here are a few fun activities to get you started if you feel lost:

  • Go on a romantic picnic and ditch cell phones.
  • Have a paint night and draw one another’s self-portraits.
  • Serve in a soup kitchen or at a charity event together.
  • Serve in church together.
  • Plan a movie night – complete with popcorn and candy!
  • Revisit your favorite date spot from “back in the day.”
  • Try a drive-in movie.
  • Have a dessert-making competition at home.
  • Go on a hike.
  • Train for a 5K together.
  • Take a cooking class together.
  • Go on a short road trip!
  • Take a sunset walk on the beach.

Quality time together does not have to be expensive – just make it intentional.

4. Serve your spouse.

In a world that is constantly saying “I need more from you,” make it your mission to serve your spouse first. Do not wait until they do something to show their appreciation for you. Do not wait until their birthday, anniversary, or Mother’s Day/Father’s Day. Serve your spouse like Jesus served others – not to receive something in return, but because His heart was focused on true, genuine, sacrificial love.

Simple ways to serve your spouse:

  • Make them coffee or breakfast in the morning.
  • Clean up the kitchen after dinner and encourage them to rest or do something for themselves.
  • Make their favorite meal.
  • Tackle their “normal” chores before they have a chance to do them.
  • Prepare their favorite snack or dessert “just because.”
  • Pack their lunch.
  • Drop their favorite coffee off at work.
  • Initiate physical intimacy.
  • Give them a massage.
  • Wash their car.
  • Listen to them without interrupting.
  • Let them sleep in while you get up early with the kids.
  • Initiate doing one of their favorite things.
  • Make the bed first.
  • Write random love notes.
  • Play their favorite song in the car.
  • Flirt with them.
  • Make your home welcoming and warm for their return.
  • Play their favorite game.
  • Get yourself dressed up for them.
  • Gush about them to others.
  • Tell them what they are good at/what you love about them.
  • Prioritize them.
  • Create time for them to pursue creative interests/hobbies.

5. Talk about your marriage.

While it may sound simple, communication is one of the main pitfalls of most relationships. Talk when it’s easy. Talk in the morning. Talk when there are things to celebrate. Talk when things are difficult. Talk when you are away from one another. Talk when you are struggling. Talk when you need help. Talk in the evening. Talk when you are laying in bed together. Just talk!

Aside from investing in conversations, choose to invest in your communication skills. Listen to your spouse. Do not listen to argue or make a point – really listen to them. Study their body language. Study your body language. Choose to listen to your tone when conversing and ensure it is not setting a demeaning tone.

“To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.” – G.K. Chesterton

6. Invest in marriage counseling.

Whether you feel your relationship is limping along or thriving, investing in marriage counseling is a decision that you will not regret. The counselors at Newport Beach Christian Counseling would love to equip you with an emotional toolbelt to withstand the highs and lows of your marriage.

We want to see you pursue one another, work through any disagreements/baggage from the past, and move forward in the best way. Call and schedule your appointment today and continue saying “I DO” to your spouse every single day.

Scriptures to pray for your marriage:

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. – 1 Corinthians 13:13, NIV

And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. – Colossians 3:14, ESV

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. – 1 John 4:8, NIV

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. – Romans 12:9, NIV

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. – Proverbs 17:17, ESV

Do everything in love. – 1 Corinthians 16:14, NIV

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. – John 13:34-35, ESV

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. – 1 Peter 3:7, ESV

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. – Ephesians 4:2, NIV

Photos:
“Happy Couple”, Courtesy of Alba Rebecca, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Paying Bills”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Counseling”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Renovation”, Courtesy of Anastasia Shuraeva, Pexels.com, CC0 License

How to Overcome Anxiety with Scripture

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You are not alone if you are struggling with anxiety. But you can use Scripture to overcome anxiety and have greater peace. These Bible verses that deal with anxiety can help you when you feel triggered or stressed. If you’re looking for additional support, Newport Beach Christian Counseling can guide you in finding peace through faith and biblical wisdom.

Each time you are worried or anxious, choose one of these verses to meditate upon deeply and apply to your situation. Turn it into a prayer to gain a deeper connection with God. Here are several verses to give you practical help.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. – Psalm 139:23, NIV

Since God knows everything, he knows everything that causes you anxiety. He knows you better than you know yourself. When you ask him to search, know, and test you, he will help you deal with hidden thoughts.

Anxiety in a person’s heart weighs it down, but a good word cheers it up. – Proverbs 12:25, CSV

Anxiety can feel heavy like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. But God doesn’t expect or want you to do this, because only He can handle all your problems. Seek funny or humorous videos or books that can lift your heart when you feel anxious.

In the multitude of my anxieties within me, your comforts delight my soul. – Psalm 95:19, NKJV

You may notice that anxieties can multiply quickly. Whether your anxieties are based on reality or fiction, God will comfort you in them. He is a loving Father who will cuddle you in a warm embrace, calming your fears and removing your doubts with his promises that never change.

Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you. – 1 Peter 5:7, NIV

In the same way that you cast a fishing line away from you, so you need to throw your worries onto God and away from yourself. Keep this word picture in your mind and put it into practice next time you are worried or anxious.

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:6-7, NLT

When we experience worry, it is an opportunity to pray. Tell God exactly what is causing you anxiety. Ask Him for practical and spiritual encouragement. Then express gratitude, remembering all the ways He has been faithful to you in the past.

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. – Isaiah 26:3, NIV

God promises to give you perfect peace when you abandon your anxiety and trust in Him.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. – Romans 15:13, NIV

God wants you to be filled with hope, peace, and joy rather than anxiety. The Holy Spirit can give you these spiritual gifts to protect your heart and mind. Praying this Scripture daily will help you trust God more even when your anxiety is triggered.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. – Colossians 3:15, NIV

You can choose peace each time your anxiety rises by asking God to help you. Ask God to take anxiety from your heart, and invite Jesus, who is the Prince of Peace, to take its place.

Christian counseling to overcome anxiety.

If you haven’t been able to overcome your anxiety before, you may benefit from speaking with a Christian counselor. A qualified counselor can help you identify the deepest roots of your anxiety, so you can remove them and choose a life of greater peace.

You can use these Bible verses on anxiety in moments of stress. But please don’t hesitate to get professional help from a Christian counselor that is customized for your unique needs. The counselors on our staff are ready to help you overcome your anxiety with biblical principles.

Reach out to Newport Beach Christian Counseling today to schedule your first appointment. We have helped many others manage and overcome anxiety with practical help and spiritual guidance, which we would love to offer to you as well.

Photos:
“Lamp at Dusk”, Courtesy of Oleksandr Pidvalnyi, Pexels.com, CC0 License;”Streetlamp”, Courtesy of Chris Knight, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

 

How to Conquer Worrying Thoughts and Feelings

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Worrying thoughts can be challenging at times. Not only are they difficult to deal with, but at times they may look convincing, making it difficult to differentiate between something that could only be a possibility and something that is evident. They may also be falsely persuasive. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help you learn how to manage these thoughts and develop healthier ways of coping with anxiety and worry.

Consider the following examples of worrying thoughts:

“I never received a response from my employer on the report I emailed this morning. I can only assume that I did something wrong. Will there be consequences for me? Oh no, it can’t be!”

“I wasn’t included on the guest list for the concert that the group was going to. What if they don’t like me as much as I thought they did? It’s possible that they aren’t really my buddies after all.”

“Since he never responded to the text I sent him, I can only assume that he doesn’t like me. What if I never find someone? I’m convinced I’ll end up alone!”

Worrying thoughts such as these have the potential to convince the worrier that an imagined disaster will occur. A worrier will consider self-critical thinking accurate if he or she does not pay careful attention to the thoughts. Anxiety can present challenges in this way. It is possible for a troubling concept to be instantaneously accepted as true, almost as if it were automatic.

This idea can provoke unpleasant sensations and lead to changes in behavior, such as avoiding a situation, feeling tense in one’s body, or being distracted. It can also cause a person to feel physiological stress. Thankfully, there are strategies available that can help keep troublesome thoughts in check.

Steps to take to stop worrying

The following procedures are a combination of techniques for mindful acceptance and strategies from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and they are intended to outwit worrying thoughts and lessen the chance for experiencing suffering:

Take note and accept

Acknowledge, without passing judgment, that you are currently experiencing a bad thought or emotion, and accept the fact that you do, on occasion, think about things that could be upsetting or hurtful. How recently have you been having this thought? What triggered the thinking in the first place? It would be best if you could refrain from criticizing the fact that the thought even occurred in the first place.

Examine the evidence

Is there any evidence to back up the notion that you have a pessimistic outlook? Which parts of the thinking appear to be making assumptions, and why do you think that is? If there isn’t any evidence that can be easily verified, what kind of objective information can you acquire?

Explore alternatives

Based on the evidence you’ve gathered, is it possible that there are other options or outcomes that could result? Are you able to make the choice to believe that any one of a range of possibilities could be true?

Consider trusting your problem-solving abilities

Have you ever been successful in solving a problem or coming up with a solution to a problem? Check out your available resources rather than wasting time trying to figure out how you would get out of a hypothetical situation that isn’t even a problem right now. If you find yourself in a situation where you require assistance, do you have the resources and the problem-solving skills necessary to come up with a solution?

Conquering unsettling or worrying thoughts and feelings

Applying this to the first illustration gives us an idea of how it might seem. Imagine that this thought pops into your head: “My boss has not yet reacted to the report that I emailed to him this morning.” I can only assume that I did something wrong. Will there be consequences for me? Oh no, it can’t be!”

Accept the situation

Recognize and accept that you are having an unsettling thought rather than allowing this worrisome thought to continue to grow into more troubling territory (such as imagining your boss discouragingly confronting you). This will help you avoid allowing this worrisome thought to continue to expand into more troubling territory.

Keep in mind that it’s normal to experience thoughts that make you feel uneasy. Take a moment to pause and bring your attention back to whatever that is happening right now. In this particular scenario, it could be the middle of the day, and you’re currently working on a project while seated at your desk.

Look for evidence

The next step is to hunt for evidence that either backs up or contradicts the concept. In this particular illustration, there is no objective evidence to suggest that you committed a wrongdoing or that you are in fact receiving a reprimand. The only piece of evidence that is now available is that a report was submitted, but you have not yet received a response to it.

Consider various outcomes

You are now able to consider the various possible outcomes. It’s possible that your manager hasn’t had the opportunity to look over the report or get back to you about it yet. It’s possible that your supervisor was blindsided by other unforeseen responsibilities and is focusing on something else instead. The issue is, you aren’t quite sure why you haven’t gotten an answer; all you know is that it has been longer than you expected.

You may not be entirely sure why you haven’t gotten a response. Putting up with the discomfort of waiting it out may increase the likelihood that you will finally receive a response. Remind yourself that this time (waiting without yet knowing) is just temporary, and that you are capable of handling it even though it may be difficult for you to wait to find out the conclusion.

Trust your ability to resolve the situation

Even if an unfavorable outcome were to occur in the future, would you still be able to trust your ability to solve problems in the event that you were to react to the setback and recover from the situation?

Have you ever been in a situation when you had to address a problem with a cousin, friend, or coworker, and provide potential solutions? Bring to mind some situations in which you successfully resolved a dispute, sought assistance from others, or made conscious decisions to ameliorate a precarious circumstance.

Do you have resources available to you, such as a support network or a buddy you can trust to talk it out in the event that you require or desire to do so? Is there assistance available to you in the form of a problem-specific support system, such as a mentor at work? When you feel stressed out, what other things can you do to practice relaxation techniques, find healthy ways to deal, and take care of yourself?

How can mindfulness interventions help with worrying thoughts?

Even insignificant negative thoughts can build up and become unmanageable, which can put a person at risk for mental health issues including depression, anxiety, and even suicidal ideation.

However, mental health professionals have come to realize that mindfulness can be of great benefit, as it can help people become better able to become better able to separate themselves from negative thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations that may be present, often before they become too overwhelming.

Mindfulness can help people become better able to become better able to separate themselves from negative thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations that may be present. Engaging in regular mindfulness practice might aid advance psychological understanding and facilitate emotional healing over time. People can often find relief from stress, chronic pain, cancer, anxiety, depression, and other chronic conditions by participating in mindfulness-based stress reduction practices.

  • MBCT is frequently used as a component of the treatment strategy for a wide variety of mental health conditions, including but not limited to recurrent depression, anxiety, psychosis, eating and food issues, bipolar, panic attacks, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, and posttraumatic stress disorder.
  • The treatment of suicidal ideation, borderline personality, self-harm, substance dependence, eating and food disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and depression is the primary application of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).
  • Anxiety, depression, addiction to substances, chronic pain, psychosis, and even cancer are all commonly treated with acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), which is an approach.

Conclusion

Start the practice of accepting that negative thoughts can occur by putting all of the steps together, believing that alternative options could exist, noticing the feeling of discomfort while you wait through the uncertainty without passing judgment on it, and acknowledging your ability to solve problems or find resources (including therapy) to help you through it.

This method requires time, patience, effort, and practice, just like developing any other habit or ability. In the same way that an anxious disposition might have gradually formed over time, the transition to a new strategy will require some time for the process to advance. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a Christian counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling for help in conquering worrying thoughts and feelings.

Photos:
“Riding a Swing”, Courtesy of Noah Silliman, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Standing on the Fence”, Courtesy of Michael Rosner-Hyman, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Dinner Party”, Courtesy of Michael Tucker, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Mother and Child”, Courtesy of OPPO Find X5 Pro, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

How Regular Sabbath Improves Your Mental and Physical Health

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Many Christians have heard about the Sabbath and know it should be part of their life, but it can be hard to make it happen. Between the busyness of daily life, work, family, and even church activities, fitting in regular times for rest can feel impossible. Additionally, it can be hard to understand why it’s so important to begin with. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can provide support in helping you understand the significance of rest and how to incorporate the Sabbath into your life in a way that nurtures your spiritual and mental well-being.

People are often taught that getting things done is better than rest. After all, your family needs you, you must work, and there are so many things on the calendar. Plus, the laundry is piling up and someone needs to get to the grocery store. How will taking a rest help you feel better when there is so much to get done?

What is the Sabbath?

Let’s start by growing a deeper understanding of the Sabbath. The concept of the Sabbath is woven into the creation of the world. When God created the world, he spent time making day and night, land, sea, air, plants, animals, and even people. When he was done creating those things, He did something different.

Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array. By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day, he rested from all his work. Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done. – Genesis 2:1-3, NIV

This is the first reference to rest. But this is more than taking a break. Genesis 2:3 describes this rest as something special, something God blessed and made holy. It is this key element that defines Sabbath in our lives.

As you continue to explore the Word, you see God talk about the Sabbath as a holy time of rest. This is more than just stopping work, although that is part of it. It is that blessed time that is holy and set apart. It is about intentionally making time to rest from work to worship God. Later in the Word, the idea of the Sabbath is explored in many ways.

In the Old Testament, the Sabbath is part of the law that people must follow. Later, when Jesus comes and is resurrected, we learn that we are free from the law outlined in the Old Testament. Jesus fulfills the law for us. That can leave us wondering about the Sabbath and its role in our lives.

Should the Sabbath be part of my life?

Practicing Sabbath is good for you. It isn’t about following an archaic rule to please God. Instead, you can incorporate Sabbath into your life to benefit you spiritually, physically, and mentally.

While there are different opinions on what Sabbath looks like, how people should practice it, and when it should be observed, you can discover the benefits of the Sabbath in your life no matter how you do it. It is less about following strict guidelines and more about developing a rhythm of rest and worship that feeds your soul.

It is often easy to understand the spiritual benefits of taking time to rest and worship God. However, there are additional benefits to consider.

Sabbath rest improves your mental health.

Taking time to rest and connect with God goes beyond feeling like you had a break. There are deeper mental health benefits that people can experience from routinely making time for Sabbath in their lives.

A study of a small group of people at Liberty University investigated how an eight-week Sabbath routine impacted anxiety, worry, and stress. Most participants, upon completion of the study, showed a decrease in anxiety, worry, and stress in their lives. When you consider the benefits specifically connected to rest, there are a variety of things that help improve mental health.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness describes benefits such as increased energy, which allows you to do more of the things you enjoy. Similarly, people who take time to rest can experience more energy to devote to the people they love and the work that is important to them. These things all work together to improve mental well-being.

As you look at the spiritual aspects of the Sabbath, such as prayer and corporate worship, the mental health benefits are also evident.

Kristen Rogers of CNN reported, “A 2011 study found prayer can help reduce anger and aggression. In a series of experiments in which participants either prayed for or thought about a stranger, a person who angered them, or a friend in need, members of the prayer group were more likely to feel less anger and aggression after a provocation.”

When you look further at the mental health benefits of taking spiritual rest, you discover that things like prayer can reduce feelings of anxiety, isolation, and fear while increasing feelings of gratitude and connection. Combining the benefits of rest and spiritual dwelling that occurs during a regular time of Sabbath rest, promotes mental health benefits that go beyond the Sabbath.

Physical benefits

Looking at Sabbath as the marriage of physical rest and worship of God allows us to see how both aspects benefit us in more spiritual and mental health. Each of these aspects has physical benefits as well.

Taking time to rest has obvious benefits for your body. According to Integris Health, “Rest is vital for better mental health, increased concentration and memory, a healthier immune system, reduced stress, improved mood, and even a better metabolism.”

Regular rest has concrete physical benefits such as:

  • Decreased blood pressure.
  • Chronic pain relief.
  • Improved immune health.
  • Stronger cardiovascular system.

If you consider the spiritual element of the Sabbath, you can also see amazing physical benefits. Corporate worship, private time with God, and regular prayer as suggested by the concept of the Sabbath can improve everything from hormone levels to breathing.

Some examples of how prayer can benefit your physical health are:

  • Faster recovery following medical procedures.
  • Helps your body heal more efficiently.
  • Inhibits the release of cortisol and other hormones that can negatively affect the body.
  • Regulates heart rate and breathing.
  • Relieves stress and offers hope which promotes physical wellness.

These things all work together to offer better physical health when you routinely practice Sabbath in your life.

Final thoughts

As you consider the challenges associated with incorporating the Sabbath into your life, it is important to also consider the vast benefits. Naturally, the physical benefits are noteworthy. As you combine physical rest and spiritual dwelling with God regularly, Sabbath rest offers you an opportunity for better health and wellness mentally and physically as well.

It is interesting, however, to see that these benefits go even deeper. Whenever you follow God’s commands you will experience spiritual benefits. Sabbath does not need to be looked at as a spiritual law. Instead, you can consider Sabbath to be a helpful directive God offers for your life.

The Bible Project says, “As followers of Jesus, God does not expect us to live by Israel’s laws. However, the wisdom of these laws remains, and the law of the Sabbath is rich with significance for us today. The Sabbath is not a commandment we are bound to; it’s a promise we’re invited to enjoy.”

As you think about how Sabbath may look in your life, consider all the benefits it brings. Sabbath offers you spiritual, mental, and physical benefits that will directly impact your life and well-being.

Does the idea of taking time for a regular Sabbath feel impossible? One of the counselors in our office at Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help you find ways to implement Sabbath in your life so you can have better mental and physical health. Call our office to set up an appointment and get started.

Sources:https://digitalcommons.liberty.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=4623&context=doctoral

Mental Health in the Workplace: The Value of Rest

https://Bibleproject.com/blog/keeping-the-sabbath-is-it-still-relevant-to-christians-today/

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How Educators and Coaches Can Protect Children’s Mental Health

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If you are a parent, you know that your child’s teacher or coach can have a significant impact on your children’s mental health. One of the more compelling reasons to allow children the opportunity to participate in a club or sport is that he or she will have more adults influencing them.

As a parent, it can be scary to think of other adults influencing your child. But when it comes to children’s mental health, having a supportive teacher or coach in your child’s life can make a huge difference in positive mental and socio-emotional wellness. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers support to help parents navigate these relationships and ensure their children’s mental health is being nurtured in healthy, constructive ways.

What is mental health?

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention defines mental health as “our emotional, psychological and social well-being. It affects how we think, feel and act. It also helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others, and make healthy choices.” (CDC)

Mental health is important at every stage of life. How our children’s mental health influences what they believe, how they respond, and whom they choose to hang out with are key factors in their development.

How coaches can protect children’s mental health

A child’s development into adolescence is an important stage in his or her life. Often, it’s a coach who can spot the signs that one of his or her players is struggling emotionally, psychologically, or socially.

Consider the role coaches play in a child’s life. Coaches are with their players after they found out that they didn’t make the school play. They’re there when a player gets shunned by another classmate or even a fellow player. Coaches have the power to be a positive influence on a child’s ability to recover from such experiences.

How can a coach help?

Pay attention to your players’ behaviors, responses, and emotions

The U.S. Department of Education says that in young children, emotional responses are often the easiest way to see that a child may be struggling. If a child cannot bond with other kids or gets easily upset by something that appears to be small, it should not be overlooked.

A child who erupts in anger over a missed goal may be having social and emotional issues beyond the coach’s ability to navigate. However, by paying attention to a player’s response, the coach can bring the player’s behavior to light with a trusted school counselor or parent.

Seek out specialized training in children’s mental health

Talk to your school’s counseling department or ask the recreation department if there are resources in place to help coaches learn about youth mental health. It’s easy to spot a behavioral issue, but it’s much more complex to get to the root of that behavior.

Getting adequate training and support related to youth mental health is key to equipping coaches to help a young person who needs guidance.

Recognize that success in the sport you coach is not the overall goal

Even the most competitive sports programs should reflect an overall goal of shaping a child’s character. Research suggests that participating in sports can boost a child’s self-esteem, help him or her learn foundational life lessons such as perseverance and hard work, and teach how his or her actions impact a group of people.

Reminding yourself that you are a key player in the way a child reads the world and interacts with the world is important. It can mean the difference between shaming or humiliating an adolescent and expressing that you understand and that we all make mistakes.

Find out where you lack adequate mental health support in your own life

We can only go so far in our natural responses to life. And that includes life on the court or the field. If we have experienced trauma or difficulty in relationships, we could unknowingly transfer unhealthy outlooks and responses to the players we coach. Being aware of our own mental health and being proactive in pursuing healing is a foundational step toward guarding the youth under our care.

Be willing to look like a fool in the room or on the field

Young people are impressionable. They want to please their coaches, teachers, and peers too. When you are willing to show your vulnerabilities, you can pave the way for it to be okay for them.

One recent article supports that teens are more likely to reach out to a coach or a teacher than they are a parent. That’s a powerful responsibility. When you admit that you were wrong, ask for a young person’s forgiveness, or share a hurdle you’ve had to overcome in life, you are modeling what it looks like to share a struggle with others.

How teachers can protect children’s mental health

Teachers, collectively, may spend more time with students than their parents during the school year. So it makes sense that they would have a front-row seat to a student who is struggling. The World Health Organization reports that more than half of all mental health struggles in young people begin before the age of 14. So teachers play an integral role in recognizing those struggles and helping a child.

First, teachers can get to know their students. Learning something about each student helps a teacher recognize when that “something” is gone. For example, if a teacher learns that one of the students in his class enjoys drawing and artistic endeavors, he may be better equipped to spot when the desire to draw or pursue art isn’t there anymore.

One of the most common signs of depression is a loss of interest in an activity previously enjoyed. When a teacher can identify something that’s missing in one of his or her students’ typical behaviors, he or she can ask the student what might be wrong. Then they can follow up with a school counselor if necessary.

Second, teachers can be aware that children’s mental health incorporates three developmental aspects: social development, emotional development, and behavioral development. That is why the way a child relates to another child is important to consider. How a child responds emotionally to something in class is also crucial.

Unfortunately, these two developmental factors tend to take a backseat to a child’s behavioral development in an educational setting. Yes, behavior is a contributing factor to recognize, but before the behavior escalates there may be other signs like social and emotional cues that a teacher can spot.

Simply being aware of these developmental aspects daily can help a teacher see beyond academics to the whole child. Teaching is stressful on any given day, but remembering that the children and adolescents they teach are still developing in every way fosters compassion and awareness.

Finally, teachers can be a liaison for students in their class and the school counselor. Unfortunately, seeing a counselor still, in many households and areas of the world, has a stigma attached to it.

While it shouldn’t, many young people and adults still view counseling as something only a seriously mentally ill person needs to do. But as a teacher who is concerned for the well-being of all of his or her students, your role even in how you talk about mental health or counseling is key.

If you are reading a book to your class where a character struggles with anxiety or guilt, it can be helpful to insert the text connection of a character seeing a counselor to share his or her emotions. Or if you teach history and a particular historical figure was known for his or her anger, it might be a place to interject that everyone deals with anger, and counseling can teach us techniques to manage it well.

A reminder for all of us

Children’s mental health is worth protecting and staying educated about. The best place to start is by taking care of your mental health. This leaves you better equipped to help the children in your life. If you or someone you know simply needs a safe place to share life stressors, decision-making questions, or recurring emotions, talk to one of our trained counselors.

Not everything has to be a problem before reaching out to a counselor. Just as people need doctors for wellness checks, we need counselors for the same reason. Newport Beach Christian Counseling is here to help. Reach out today if you are interested in learning more about how to help the young people in your life or if you need support.

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10 Bible Verses about How to Control Anger

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Learning to control anger can feel like the most difficult thing to do, depending mostly on the situation you face. You can count to ten or take a deep breath. Yet some people are not able to do this, and that anger could lead to harsh words or actions. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can offer support and guidance in managing anger and finding healthier ways to cope. Are you a slow burner or do you have a short fuse? There are plenty of Bible verses about how to control anger in Scripture. Below are some that will convict you as well as give you hope that, through God’s grace, it is possible to control anger.

Bible Verses about How to Control Anger

Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. – Proverbs 29:11, NIV

This verse is translated in various ways in certain Bibles, but it is the juxtaposition of anger and calm that is most important here. A fool gives vent to his anger; the wise man can keep control with God’s help. While there might be a rightful place for anger to be fully expressed, often it is better to keep silent and keep a tight rein on your tongue.

Careless venting to whoever may listen is certainly not appropriate as a godly way of self-expression. If you are serious about learning how to control anger, you can address this habit if it is present in your life.

A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly. – Proverbs 14:29, NIV

In short, without understanding a situation, your impatience will lead you into making silly mistakes. Colossians 3:8 implores believers to put away anger and wrath. Turn to God in prayer instead. James counsels readers to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger (James 1:19-21, NIV).

This is how to control anger in the Bible. While in and of ourselves it is very difficult to be patient, if we are saved, we have the power of the Holy Spirit at work in us and can ask God to help us to exhibit it.

Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered. – Proverbs 22:24, NIV

The verse warns us that associating with angry people could lead us down the same path of anger and regret. This applies to both our personal and professional dealings. We must avoid getting too entwined with them since their bad temper corrupts us and leads us to act similarly.

When you lean into your relationship with God and trust his guidance, you will also gain wisdom to discern which friendships are not helping you in your walk with Christ. By discerning wisely, you will also gain a better grasp on how to control anger.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. – Ephesians 4:29, NIV

Paul shows here that we are accountable for the words we utter. We must speak in a way that is beneficial to those listening and appropriate to the situation. The aim is to show grace to those who listen to our words.

We must demonstrate a godly and Christ-like attitude of love and forgiveness toward others, particularly if they are not Christians. How to control anger as demonstrated in the Bible will also be a witness to others in terms of how we have been changed and how much we have taken on the “new self” offered in Christ.

But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. – Psalm 86:15, NIV

We might think God is out to punish us because of our faults and the bad choices we have made. Although these are negative aspects of our lives, the Lord loves us more than we could ever imagine and acts to redeem and restore us. He knows our weaknesses and shortcomings and recognizes the need for us to make fresh starts.

You can make a fresh start today. In knowing how to control anger according to such verses in the Bible and meditating on them in triggering moments, with God’s help you will become more and more like Christ in your character.

Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools. – Ecclesiastes 7:9, NIV

This is a warning to us not to fly into a rage or harbor resentment over some incident, either at home or at work. It indicates a lack of self-control, exposes weak character traits, and is not godly in attitude. We need to refrain from anger and instead honor God in our hearts.

Sinful anger needs to be rejected; it has caused divorces, job losses, broken relationships, and so many other problems. Learning to control anger is important, as words spoken in haste cannot be taken back.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling, and slander, along with every form of malice. – Ephesians 4:31, NIV

The ESV version of this verse uses the words “put away,” which clearly states we need to get rid of all unhealthy behavior and guilty feelings after angry incidents. The tongue can be compelling in praise but devastating when it comes to angry criticism.

Paul notes these common character flaws are all linked to anger: bitterness, rage, brawling, slander, and malice. All can be put away or gotten rid of with God’s grace.

Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother, or judges him, speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. – James 4:11, NIV

James says that God is the only one able to save and destroy. Criticizing and judging each other means criticizing and judging God’s law. It is through His grace we are saved, so, therefore, do not live by worldly wisdom.

Discord results when we do not control anger. When we don’t, we are essentially nullifying the new covenant which Jesus brought through the sacrifice of his death on the cross. This verse shows us how serious these sins are in God’s eyes.

Therefore I want the men everywhere to pray, lifting up holy hands without anger or disputing. – 1 Timothy 2:8, NIV

Paul is exhorting the men to pray and to be in unity when they did so. He was aware of the bickering and anger so prevalent in the early churches, just as it often is today. Paul showed them that knowing how to control anger was critical so that they could worship God appropriately. There is no point in coming to God while we are harboring anger toward our neighbors. God demands that we forgive fully and come to him with hearts that have repented of the sin in our lives.

But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things, there is no law. – Galatians 5:22-23, NIV

The fruit of the Spirit is available to all Christians and is full of characteristics that are the exact opposite of anger. It can seem impossible to offer all these things, especially when we live in a broken world full of sinners. But through asking the Holy Spirit to bear these fruits in us, we will start to see small changes in how we view other people and the world around us.

Meditating on Scripture gives us a very clear indication of how to control anger. By ourselves, we are powerless to change. But as saved and redeemed people, we have new hearts that can close the door on toxic emotions that hurt and destroy rather than build up and show love.

If you need more help learning how to control anger, don’t hesitate to reach out to a Christian counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling for guidance. A counselor will help you understand the roots of your anger so you can make behavioral changes today. Get in touch with us to receive the compassionate help you need.

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Dating with a Purpose: Praying and Planning for Relational Success

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Few decisions in our lives shoulder the weight of success or sabotage like matters of the heart. While our choice to follow Christ is the most significant choice that impacts all others, who we link with in dating or in marriage, polarizes our path. It either fuels us in fulfilling God’s purpose for our lives or frustrates us in walking toward destiny.

Our hearts cannot always be trusted to make the wisest decisions and they often become obsessed with external appearances or are tempted by sin. God has given us wisdom in His word to help us make healthy and wise decisions. The Bible equips us to live a godly life (2 Peter 1:3). The Lord created us and knows our beginning and our end. He has given us all we need in His word.

Since we don’t automatically know the wisest course of action, we require the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. As we seek a marriage partner to be part of our life, we must pray and plan and seek God’s kingdom and His righteousness. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers faith-based guidance to help individuals navigate relationships with wisdom, prayer, and a Christ-centered perspective.

Pray purposefully

God speaks to us through His written word and illuminates what seems obscure or confusing (John 10:27-30). God’s Word tells us how to communicate with Him, and it clarifies and confirms His guidance. When we are single, and ideally undistracted, we can embrace our singlehood for purposeful prayer, asking God to bring the right person to us in His perfect timing.

Praying with a purpose allows us to grow in intimacy with the Lord. He already knows what we think and how we feel. Sharing our real experiences and emotions, then surrendering them to Him allows us to become more confident and better able to hear His voice speaking through His word. Submitting to the Word and His commands empowers us to actively resist the enemy’s influence (James 4:7).

Plan intentionally for dating

God, who is Beginning and End, has ordained our life to reflect His glory on earth (Revelation 1:8). He wants you to see the wonder of His image in you. As you pray, ask Him to harmonize your ideas and plans with His. Pay attention to the wisdom of the Scriptures as you form plans and goals that maximize your gifts and align with His purpose.

Process authentically

We tend to view our pain through a lens of shame, but God can heal the unresolved pain that we hide. Participating in a process to work through past issues often hurts before we feel the effects of healing.

That involves offering our wounds to Him with open hands and a surrendered heart. His supernatural strength targets and triages our weaknesses. He beckons us to approach Him boldly, and He responds by lavishing us with fresh mercy and grace (Hebrews 4:16).

Awareness and acknowledgment

Only the searchlight of the Holy Spirit can bring awareness of the hidden parts of our hearts. Is there repeated sin poisoning us from the inside out? We often become numb to it, unaware that we are partnering with forces that oppose our faith (Ephesians 6:10-12).

When we are seeking dating relationships that lead to marriage, we need to be aware of negative mindsets that influence our behavioral patterns. Dysfunctional cycles surface, circulating the issues that have disrupted our progress and success with relationships.

Ask the Holy Spirit to highlight where these offenders entered, even if they have lingered through your family’s generations. God champions your future marriage. Working through issues while unmarried reflects an active partnership with the One who authors your destiny. As you return to Him, repentance welcomes healing and deliverance, bringing the freedom to connect from a whole and healthy heart.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. – 1 John 1:9, NIV

Addressing the issues in dating

Beyond the sin factor, our mates weren’t meant to carry every emotional load. When we avoid attending to heart matters while single, we place undue expectations and weight on our future marriages.

As the Holy Spirit reveals “thorns” or areas of weakness, He also furnishes God’s grace and practical remedies that transform us (2 Corinthians 12:9). Wisely using the gift of the present affords us the space and strength to prepare with God, and perhaps a counselor, to work on matters that may make us better dating partners and spouses.

Aligning hearts

We are not serving ourselves or our future spouses well when we short-circuit necessary steps for repentance and faith. Although physique and chemistry play a key role in attraction, cultivating spiritual, mental, and emotional development affects the longevity of a connection.

We mask our real selves with illusions like Adam and Eve who fashioned clothing from fig leaves. As clever as they may have thought themselves, the cover betrayed their sinful hearts. Not only do we want to present our real selves to potential spouses, but we must get right with God first.

Allied and agreed in dating

Scripture causes us to reflect on the importance of alliances. Every believer’s walk with the Lord is unique, so every potential partner might not be in the same spiritual place.

However, walking in agreement, that is aligned with Jesus and not in step with the world, is foundational to establishing a dating partnership and eventual marriage. While the external person initially attracts, the internal is integral to what nurtures a marital covenant over the long term.

Being equally yoked is often mentioned in single circles, but it is more than sharing a set of morals. Our core values, gifts, goals, and purpose factor into our suitability as a mate. We need counsel from the Holy Spirit, other mature believers, and perhaps a trained professional.

From these places of contemplation, we can develop questions and form criteria to gauge whether we will advance our dating relationships. God doesn’t move accidentally, and following Him will enable us to act with intention.

Do not be mismatched with unbelievers; for what do righteousness and lawlessness share together, or what does light have in common with darkness? – 2 Corinthians 6:14, NASB2020

Next steps for dating

Let’s use our singleness to nurture our first marriage with Christ, our Bridegroom. We, as the Church, inclusive of male and female believers, are joined to Him in one Body, much like the illustration of two becoming one woven throughout the Scriptures.

In the natural and spiritual, we can pray, plan, and process to become a better fit for our potential mate, but even more so, for our King of Kings. As we communicate with the One who inspired and authored Scripture, He aligns us with His own Heart and prepares us to walk in agreement with a partner.

While you cannot control the timing for encountering dating partners and potential spouses, you can influence your preparation. God has outfitted you with resources. Avail yourself of the options for counseling at  Newport Beach Christian Counseling. Locate the support and sustained care that will make you ready to recognize and receive what awaits as you pray, plan, and prepare for adventures with God.

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Becoming a Blended Family

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Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of bringing together two families. For whatever reason, you are now navigating a home life with a mixture of feelings and habits. What seems like an angry child could be a child who is scared of losing everything that was comforting to them. Creating a home for a blended family takes patience and grace. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers guidance and support to help families navigate these transitions with understanding and compassion.

Each person in the family is affected by the new dynamic of a blended family home. The children may feel as if they have no voice, the parent may feel like it’s all a mistake, and the step-parent may feel like an intruder. Even though all of these different feelings and mindsets may be happening, there are ways to ensure that your home is blended in a way that conveys love and peace.

By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established. – Proverbs 24:3, ESV

Where do we start?

Blending families happen because of loss in some way or another. Whether your spouse has passed away or you are surviving divorce, you have gone through a painful time. This pain is not just for adults. Our children feel the pain just the same and they have to know that this new change in their home life is not going to negate how they feel about their other parent.

First, you should make sure that each child knows that this new family dynamic does not change how you feel about them. One of the easiest ways to help this would be to allow them to express any frustration with the new dynamics of the home. Even if you don’t want to hear how they are having an issue with the other parent, allow them to express what’s going on.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10, ESV

Children and blended families

Some say that children are resilient to changes in their lives. While it may be true that they seem to bounce back after some life-changing events it isn’t always easy for them. They still have to learn to navigate the change in the best way they can. Losing a parent is traumatic for children. Whether it is by divorce or death, not having that parent in their everyday life can cause lasting emotional problems.

Hearing “You’re not my parent!” or “I don’t have to listen to you!” are a few of the more common statements step-parents may hear when the family is just starting to create a new space for this new family. Even though these may be the most prevalent words that you hear during the first few weeks or months of learning to blend families, they don’t have to be statements that you hear forever.

Take time to talk to them and try to understand why they are so angry and hurt by this new home. Don’t expect them to always be okay. Some children have a hard time with change even though it may be the best thing for them. Let them voice what’s going on with their emotions. God understands that life happens and He will guide you through this rocky time with your child as well.

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him – a threefold cord is not quickly broken. –
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, ESV

Parents and blended families

As parents of a blended family, it is your responsibility to ensure that the home is healthy and safe. The first aspect of creating a healthy home is to make sure that you are committed to a solid marriage. The family starts with marriage. When the marriage is solid and respectable, then the home will follow suit. The hard thing about blended family and marriage is that you are having to learn to be a couple while adjusting to parenting.

Being able to create a solid relationship with your spouse before blending families is essential in understanding how each of you intends to handle the issues that will come up in the beginning. You have to assure each other that you will support each one’s decisions even if it hurts your parent’s hearts. When you promote your marriage as a team that wants what is best for everyone, the likelihood of continued problems will decrease.

When you create a home that revolves around respect and compassion it will make the transitions easier for everyone. Learning to interact with each other civilly is key to overcoming any tension that may be present in the dread of facing changes.

Respect given and taken between all family members is a must if there is to be peace within the new family dynamic. It will also take an understanding that everyone handles change differently. These things will allow for growth in all areas of the family dynamic.

How to begin a blended family

When you know that it is time to begin the process of moving into a new home with your new family, you should consider how to make this process easier for everyone.

Take time to consider how the change will affect everyone. Too many changes at one time can be considerably overwhelming for all of those involved, especially the children. Don’t rush into any lifelong changes without considering how your children may be handling the previous change.

Discuss parenting styles beforehand. Bringing families together that use two different parenting styles is an open door for problems. Not only can this cause a problem between parents, but the children will also begin to show signs of resentment and anger.

Don’t rush the relationship with the children. As you and your spouse begin to create this new home, remember to take time to get to know the children. Don’t expect them to be eager to accept the new dynamic. They will begin to see your role in their life and how that will look for them.

Do life as a family. Make time to have family time with everyone, and then go a step further. Include them in everyday life. Allow them to interact with the other parent in real-life situations such as housework, shopping, and Bible study.

Make respect a priority. Whether or not the children like your new spouse does not negate respect in the home. Along with respect make sure that ultimatums are not tolerated by either parent. This also goes for the parents. Each of you should be the example of respect and grace that your children will need to see as they learn to become a blended family.

Challenges of blended families

As with anything that combines two things, there will be challenges. Creating a blended family is not exempt from challenges even if you have followed the above ideas to help create a peaceful transition. These are just a few of the more common challenges you may face as you create a blended family.

Relationship changes. When children find themselves in a new relationship, they may seem distant and reserved. The changes in the family will bring changes in the roles of each person. A child who was the youngest may now find themselves as being the oldest.

While this may seem like a small thing, it is a big change for a child to adjust to. When a child loses the uniqueness of their role in the family dynamic, they may need more time to adjust to losing that part of their identity.

Age differences. When you bring together two families you are bringing the likelihood of children being closer in age than they would naturally be. This can be a challenge when it comes to celebrating birthdays as individually as possible.

Experience as a parent. It’s a challenge when both of you have been a parent, but when you have a spouse that has never been a parent it can bring another challenge to the dynamic. As a person with no parental experience, your spouse may not understand the various developmental stages that children experience.

Changing family traditions. One of the hardest things for children to accept is new traditions that replace the old ones. Children grow accustomed to traditions when it comes to holidays and vacations. Changing these dramatically can have a negative impact. It’s best to comprise between the two families.

Activities and events. Trying to plan events with a blended family can be trying due to considerations that must be met. When you have to consider visitation rights for divorced parents it can be hard to plan an event for everyone to enjoy. Children may have a hard time accepting that activities change because of the need to include everyone.

Bonding and growing in a blended family

Creating a blended family that works and grows together is possible. When you focus on keeping faith-based values within your home, you will promote a healthy environment in which everyone can bond. Don’t allow the roles to become confused with the overall picture of being a family. Newport Beach Christian Counseling provides faith-centered guidance to help blended families build strong, loving relationships rooted in understanding and unity.

You will need to create boundaries for children as well as parents. These boundaries will allow for healthy relationships to be built. Be sure to keep all parents involved in the child’s life. Co-parenting children of divorce is a key factor in helping them heal from the experience of divorce.

Photos:
“Family at the Beach”, Courtesy of Patricia Prudente, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Family”, Courtesy of Josue Michel, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Bath Time”, Courtesy of CDC, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Happy Family”, Courtesy of Dylan Sauerwein, Unsplash.com, CC0 License