Infidelity in Your 50s: the Gray Affair

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By the time most couples are in their fifties, all of the children are grown and on their own. There are instances where some may have older children at home. The couple is approaching retirement, and they may feel like something is missing. When the dynamics of the home change, they find themselves facing relationship issues. Infidelity in marriage isn’t just something that can happen in younger couples.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. – Proverbs 3:3, NIV

Sadly, infidelity is becoming a common occurrence in older couples as they face a new dynamic in their relationship. This is causing more older couples to engage in gray affairs.

The Gray Affair

As Americans grow older, they are becoming more unsatisfied with their marriages. Older people are now engaging in affairs that often lead to divorce. With a new understanding of staying healthy, older people now find that they are more than just an older person without a purpose. Being an empty nest home also has an impact on how older couples view their lives. Many changes can affect how older couples gauge satisfaction.

Most people in the older couple age range are the Baby Boomers. This generation grew up with the notion that marriages had to last for the children. When the children are no longer in the equation, Baby Boomers find themselves trying to understand a new purpose.

Factors Associated with Gray Affairs

The question remains: Why is infidelity in marriage increasing in older couples? While there are many possibilities, some common explanations include the following:

Empty nest syndrome When children leave home, it can create a big shift in the dynamics of the household. This can cause couples to feel they no longer have anything in common.

Health problems Couples faced with chronic health conditions find they cannot cope with the issues. This can cause them to seek companionship elsewhere, leading to infidelity.

Change in expectations As people age, their expectations and priorities tend to change. People begin to look at how the relationship impacts their joy and fulfillment.

Growing apart When people grow older, their needs and interests change. Sometimes these changes are a factor in whether or not a couple stays close.

Does Christian counseling help with infidelity?

No matter what age the couple is, Christian marriage counseling can have a positive impact on the next step after infidelity in marriage. Just as with younger couples, there are many benefits of Christian marriage counseling for older couples who face infidelity. Consider a few of the ways Christian counseling can help a struggling marriage.

Managing financial changes The effect of retirement can impact a household’s finances. Counseling can help with understanding how to navigate these issues with better communication.

Handling grief and loss Older couples have experienced more grief and loss of family and friends. This can have an impact on how they see their future. Counseling can help them realign their focus on staying together and enjoying life as older adults.

Creating strategies to cope with changes Counseling can help the older couple develop strategies that will remove the anxiety and stress of changes due to aging.

Restoring emotional connections Older couples find themselves trying to connect emotionally after raising a family. Counseling can help address these issues that cause a chasm in the emotional aspect of the relationship.

Creating new communication skills Older couples’ communication changes over the years of raising a family. Now they have more time to sit and talk about things other than kids, schedules, and household planning. Counseling can help them have conversations that revolve around new expectations and interests.

Developing intimacy Intimacy in older couples involves rediscovering who the other person has become after raising kids and having a career. Counseling can help develop an understanding of what each person desires and how to reach mutual satisfaction.

How to Heal from Infidelity in Your Fifties

Regardless of how old a person is when they experience infidelity in marriage, they will face many emotions. It is vital to develop healing strategies to overcome the hurt in a healthy manner.

Some of the important things to remember are:

  • Don’t accept the blame for the situation alone. The person choosing to be unfaithful has responsibility in this situation.
  • It’s okay to have the feelings and emotions that will come with the hurt of infidelity. These are common and natural, but they don’t dictate what life should be like after unfaithfulness.
  • Keep thoughts away from trying to understand why or where the signs were missed. It doesn’t help to focus on what is unknown. Think positive and whole thoughts based on what Scripture says about God and His love for you.
  • Be sure to maintain self-care as healing begins. Just because your spouse was unfaithful doesn’t mean you are less than who you were. Your self is not connected to their choices. Choosing to continue with your healthy lifestyle will help in the healing process.
  • It’s okay to consider what you want concerning the situation. Infidelity doesn’t have to lead to divorce any more than it has to lead to restoration. Take time to consider the factors that make either option important to you.
  • If you feel like Christian counseling can help, connect with your local counseling service to make an appointment.

Christian Counseling for Infidelity in Newport Beach

Infidelity in marriage in couples over fifty is not as uncommon as one might think. The reasons are just as diverse for older couples as for younger couples. The choice to restore the marriage or get a divorce is something that each couple must discuss and choose for themselves. A Christian counselor in Newport Beach, California can help navigate the issues of infidelity in your marriage. Contact us at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to learn how a counselor can help.

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“Raindrops”, Courtesy of Artem Sapegin, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

7 Important Professional Boundaries to Set in the Workplace

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Professional boundaries are essential for maintaining your mental health, avoiding burnout, and staying motivated. You exude an air of confidence and professionalism when you maintain clear boundaries. But setting boundaries can be difficult if you’ve never done it before.

7 Professional Boundaries You Need in the Workplace

Sticking to your professional boundaries will enable you to enjoy your job and not feel like a victim. There will be those who refuse to acknowledge boundaries. Your company’s HR team may be willing to address these issues.

Check the company handbook for the company’s stance on the following professional boundaries.

Respect

Respect yourself by being honest and refraining from gossiping about others. Refuse to participate in gossip or pranks on others, as that can lead to harassment in the workplace. Inappropriate comments are never okay. Respect others’ time and ask that they respect yours. Take care of other people’s belongings.

Depending on your workplace, you may need to secure your belongings in a locker or desk drawer. Never steal from others, including the company. If you suspect someone of stealing from you or disrespecting your property, report it to a supervisor.

Physical Boundaries

No touching or invading someone’s personal space. You may need to address this with people who have no physical boundaries. They may be harmless, but a simple comment about you not liking people in your personal space should set the boundary. Inappropriate touching in the workplace should never occur and should be reported immediately.

Most companies outline sexual harassment in their employee handbooks and provide procedures for reporting to HR. Do not tolerate this type of behavior. Be assertive in your physical boundaries from the start.

Work Expectations

The company should clearly outline work expectations. Define projects and tasks so that others know what to do. If you are unsure, ask a project manager or supervisor. Express your work expectations to those you work with.

For some people, a job is simply a means to earn a paycheck and a place to spend eight hours a day. They may treat work as an extension of high school. If that is the case, you may need to take the initiative to explain what is expected from the company and you. Stay professional and calm.

Speaking Up

Blending in like a wallflower might work for some, but this can only set you up for future stress and anxiety in a professional setting. You must learn how to communicate any problems or concerns. Voicing your ideas can help you grow in your career and your confidence.

However, if you allow others to steal your voice by staying silent due to fear of rejection or ridicule, you won’t grow outside of your comfort zone. This is also an excellent opportunity to respect yourself and demand the same from others.

Realistic Time Frames for Projects

Avoid overwhelming yourself by defining realistic time frames for projects. If your boss assigns an unmanageable workload, discuss it with them. Avoid turning to office gossip; instead, go straight to the source. By addressing your boss directly, you earn respect from the top.

Although you set boundaries, be flexible when it comes to workload and time constraints. Be willing to collaborate with others to achieve a productive outcome.

Conflict Management

Conflict resolution should be openly discussed at any job. There should be policies and procedures in place. Aside from these, you should possess conflict resolution and anger management skills to defuse situations before they escalate.

If your company does not offer conflict management training, consider seeking help from a counselor. You can acquire the necessary skills to negotiate effectively and make fair assessments, thereby becoming a peacemaker in the workplace.

Leaving Work Behind After Hours

Respecting and loving yourself and protecting your mental health means leaving work behind after hours. Workaholics tend to be anxious and depressed. You want a life of peace. You want to enjoy your work without letting it control you.

Make it your goal to leave your work at work and concentrate on your family and the life you lead outside of your job. Even if it’s your career, you must establish boundaries to avoid burnout.

Avoid burnout with Christian counseling for professional development

You can avoid workplace burnout by setting professional boundaries. Even if your company does not address these, you can speak to your supervisor and colleagues about your boundaries and expectations. People will respect you when you demand respect from them. Setting professional boundaries demonstrates that you are serious about your job and committed to fulfilling the company’s mission.

If you need help setting professional boundaries, contact us today at Newport Beach Christian Counseling in California to speak to a Christian counselor in Newport Beach about your professional development. You can grow in your career by learning a few strategies and skills that will serve you for years to come.

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“Stressed”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

How to Manage Depression in a Relationship

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Depression takes its toll on a relationship. If your significant other suffers from depression, you may be no stranger to emotional distance, withdrawal, decreased libido, and mood swings. But depression is a mental condition and should be treated by a mental health professional, such as a Christian counselor in Newport Beach, California. There are things you can do to help your spouse and manage depression in a relationship.

Tips to Manage Depression in a Relationship

You can help manage depression in a relationship, but you will also want the help of a counselor to provide strategies and evidence-based methods. Remember, as you work with your spouse, that managing depression symptoms can take time, patience, and lifestyle changes.

Seek treatment together

Although it may be tempting to have your significant other attend counseling sessions on their own, and at times they must do so, consider attending couples counseling. The same counselor can preside over both. Through these sessions, you can learn how best to support your loved one while expressing how their depression affects you and the relationship. The counselor can also help establish boundaries and expectations within the relationship.

Keep communication open

Learn how to express your needs and wants and actively listen to your partner’s struggles. Depression is a mental condition, and they may not understand why they feel the way they do or how to manage the symptoms. Become a safe space for your loved one to confide, vent, and cry out to. Keep what they say confidential, even when they make you angry.

Do things together

Withdrawal and emotional unavailability are signs of depression in a relationship. Counteract this by including your partner in outings, movies, and discussions. Pay attention to when they seem to be drawing into themselves and away from the family. Everyone needs some alone time, but depression takes it to the extreme.

Taking your significant other’s personality into consideration, plan for romantic dates once a week or every other week. Plan inexpensive day trips to get away from family and home and bond with them.

Be supportive

Being supportive isn’t just listening to your partner. Being supportive also includes helping them to make healthy lifestyle choices to manage depression symptoms. For example, ultra-processed foods, alcohol, and drug use can exacerbate depression symptoms.

Help your loved one by offering to cook healthy dinners together, pack lunches, and get help for substance abuse. Some changes you may want to make together, such as limiting alcohol to one glass of wine a week.

Encourage exercise

Exercise promotes the release of feel-good hormones like serotonin and dopamine and decreases the stress hormone cortisol, which contributes to depression and anxiety. For a healthy body and mind, aim for 150 to 300 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise per week.

Speak to your family physician before starting any new exercise program. Once cleared, choose an activity you can do together. Maybe you lift weights at home, travel to the gym together, or jog in the park on the weekends. Find activities that you both enjoy and get excited about, and track your progress rather than focusing on the end goals.

Help create routines

Depression keeps people stuck. They lose motivation to do even the simplest tasks or activities they once enjoyed. Instilling a routine allows the person to operate on autopilot. The task gets accomplished, and the person can feel a sense of achievement.

For example, maybe have your loved one make the bed when they get dressed. Making the bed is a small task that many people overlook. However, when they make the bed, suddenly, the entire bedroom looks nicer, and they can check the task off their list. When they come home in the evening, they are greeted by a nice-looking and cozy bed. Try to keep routines short initially.

Take care of yourself

Don’t neglect your health during this time. Keep appointments, maintain personal hygiene, cultivate a positive mindset, and rely on God in this season. This, too, shall pass. God knows how challenging depression in a relationship can be. Call out to Him and ask Him to take control of the situation. Keep a watchful eye on your own physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

Christian Counseling for Depression in Newport Beach

Couples counseling in Newport Beach, California provides help for depression in a relationship. You can learn strategies to lessen the symptoms of depression and to rebuild the relationship. You will learn how to work together without compromising boundaries and reconnect emotionally and physically.

Contact our office today at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to schedule a session with a couples counselor in Newport Beach, California to discuss how psychological methods can help with depression in a relationship.

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“Orange Flowers”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Is This Social Anxiety Disorder or My Personality?

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You might experience a quickening heart rate, feel sick to your stomach, or be dizzy. These are physiological symptoms that could come and go over weeks, months, or even years. How do you know if these  –  combined with your fears of meeting new people  –  are symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder or simply your personality?

Recognizing when symptoms may be related to Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) is complex, and not something you should try to ascertain on your own. However, learning about SAD can help you determine your next right step.

What is social anxiety disorder?

Social Anxiety Disorder may be something that you or a loved one has and doesn’t understand. It’s a mental health disorder related to other anxiety disorders.

If you are afraid of joining new groups, meeting new people, or appearing on a stage of any kind, you may have Social Anxiety Disorder. But did you know that even some fear of everyday tasks, such as purchasing a product from a checkout clerk or at a kiosk, making a phone call, or raising your hand in class, can also be signals of Social Anxiety Disorder?

SAD impacts an estimated 7-10% of people in the world, and it often begins in childhood or adolescence. When a person is afraid to join people, groups, or get up in front of others, it may be because of SAD. People with SAD worry about being rejected, criticized, or judged for something they do or say.

Social Anxiety Disorder Symptoms

Symptoms of SAD may seem small at first. You don’t want to participate in group projects at school because you don’t want to be the nominated speaker. Your fear of reading aloud isn’t related to your inability to read; it’s because you don’t want your voice to be judged by classmates.

These symptoms can continue and increase throughout a person’s life. They can range from small to large, come and go depending on the situation, and vary in intensity from mild to severe.

A person with SAD may avoid public speaking, or they may avoid anything where they are asked to address someone they don’t know. This can severely disrupt their life, making it hard to find a career, learn in a traditional school setting, or accomplish basic tasks like purchasing groceries from the supermarket.

How to Tell If You Are Simply Shy

Sometimes, the symptoms of SAD are mild, so they’re chalked up to shyness. This can disturb a young person’s self-esteem because they may perceive that there is something deeply wrong with who they are.

Unfortunately, if your social anxiety disorder is mild, meaning you experience the same symptoms for at least six months, it may be that shyness is hard to distinguish. However, if your symptoms are manageable and they don’t disrupt your everyday life, you are likely someone whom others would characterize as shy.

The tendencies you struggle with can be overcome. Still, it is important to note, your propensity toward shyness doesn’t mean you are any less valuable as a person, though.

Research suggests that shyness isn’t something we’re born with. A sense of self begins to develop around the age of one and a half years old. Consider if you were born with a more sensitive temperament and the caregivers in your life were not understanding of that temperament.

This may have led you to develop lower self-esteem, feel unworthy of love, or believe that the only way to exist successfully in the world around you was to be loud and outgoing.

Sadly, these unhelpful messages are common among people who are shy and among people who have SAD. It’s essential to know that your fears, which contribute to both shyness and social anxiety disorder, stem from real emotions that need to be taken seriously and dealt with gently.

In general, if your symptoms persist for longer than a few weeks (typically, at least six months) and if they’re disrupting your everyday life routines and activities, we recommend consulting a counselor.

Being introverted may increase the likelihood that you will develop SAD, but it doesn’t have to. Psychologists encourage evaluations for anyone who perceives he or she may have SAD because of comorbidities that may be contributing factors, such as generalized anxiety or depression.

Social Anxiety Disorder Treatments

While a person with Social Anxiety Disorder is less likely to seek treatment, due to fear of being judged, it’s essential for a person’s healing. If what you perceive as your shyness persists over time and interrupts your daily life, you can’t discern if you have SAD without a psychotherapy evaluation.

Seeing a counselor in person or online can bring you peace of mind and mark the beginning of a full, varied life. Missing out on friendships, career opportunities, or trying new hobbies are all consistent consequences of someone’s fear getting in the way of their everyday life choices.

Several treatments show promise for social anxiety disorder. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is used to treat multiple mental health issues, and studies show its effectiveness is long-lasting. With CBT, someone with SAD may learn new ways to think about themselves and the world they’re afraid to engage with.

A standard CBT method for social anxiety disorder may help the person understand that some of his or her perceived judgments aren’t there. It can help him or her focus less on self and more on the genuine good found in others. CBT helps people learn new behaviors and beliefs, which impact how they view themselves and how they perceive others’ views of themselves.

Another treatment for SAD is exposure therapy, where a counselor helps someone progressively address and face what they’re afraid of. For example, consider someone with SAD who is particularly afraid of raising their hand (or being called on) in class. Exposure therapy would encourage tiny steps toward class participation. Over time, these small steps add up to overcoming the fear of that specific situation.

Another treatment that has proven helpful for people who have social anxiety disorder is acceptance and commitment therapy. This therapy, also known as ACT, focuses on the gentle acceptance of fearful thoughts so that they can be invited, acknowledged, and hopefully, overcome through small attempts to engage in anxiety-reducing behavior. Mindfulness practices are one example of how a person can grow to address their fear without letting it take hold.

How to Help a Friend or Loved One with Social Anxiety Disorder

Learning to see the real struggle behind a person’s disorder is paramount to accepting and loving them as they are. When we minimize or try to quickly dismiss a person’s fear, it communicates that they’re blowing things out of proportion or fearful for no reason. These behaviors and attitudes only confirm their belief that they are not enough or that their presence doesn’t matter.

Instead, remind yourself that SAD is a mental health condition, not a simple refusal to be part of what you may perceive as fun. It’s a condition that can be overcome, but it takes patience and taking small steps over time when someone is ready.

Other helpful practices to help you show respect for someone with SAD include:

Listen first You might think you understand or have a story about a time when you faced a fear. Try not to share it. Instead, ask questions with compassion and curiosity to show that you care and are genuinely interested in listening.

Encourage second If your loved one expresses a desire to overcome their fears, start with understanding. There aren’t any quick and easy ways to wholeness when it comes to mental health disorders.

Collaborate third When your loved one decides he or she wants to work on the anxiety that’s held them back, ask if they’d like help to find a professional counselor or a CBT group that can give them resources and support. If they decline, that’s okay; ask what you can do to make them feel like you’re in their corner.

Don’t judge We’ve all had struggles in our lives, and mental health is no different than one of your challenges. Maybe you struggle to maintain a healthy fitness and eating routine, or maybe your spending habits need attention.

Try to remember that, unlike a simple tweak to a routine, a mental health condition needs specific, targeted therapy and can’t be unlearned by following someone on social media or making a lifestyle change. Judgments have no place in mental health.

When your loved one is ready, share the resources that you’ve seen – such as this article – that could lead to the discovery of a counselor who knows how to treat social anxiety disorder with patience and compassion. For more help and tools, contact our office today.

Photos:
“Friends”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Shy Dog”, Courtesy of DACHENGZI LIANG, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Relaxation”, Courtesy of Kosal Ley, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Counseling Session”, Courtesy of Hrant Khachatryan, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Signs of Anger Issues to Be Wary of

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Anger is one of those emotions that seems big, bold, brash, and hard to hide. That’s because in a lot of instances, when people feel and express their anger, that’s the form it takes. There are endless stories about anger gone wrong, whether at a family gathering like a wedding, Christmas, or Thanksgiving, or dustups between perfect strangers at a local buffet, restaurant, gas station, or parking lot. The internet sometimes seems to run on anger.

With anger so prominent in everyday situations, you’d think we’d be better at identifying it in ourselves and dealing effectively with it. There are sometimes subtle signs of anger that we either don’t take to be anger or that we ignore for various reasons. Detecting anger issues in your life can help to save your relationships and promote your well-being.

Where Anger Issues Come from

What exactly are anger issues? Being angry and expressing that anger doesn’t necessarily mean that you have anger issues. When a person has anger issues, it means that they struggle to control their anger, and that loss of control often has negative consequences in their life, some of them small, but some of them big. Anger has a dominating presence in that person’s life.

If you don’t work on any anger issues you may have, that can affect all areas of your life, including your work, your relationships, and your health. While anger issues are quite destructive, they can also feel like a normal part of one’s life, especially when they are part of longstanding patterns.

Some of the work of undoing anger issues is rooted in understanding where anger issues come from. This differs from person to person, as anger issues can stem from a combination of biological, psychological, and environmental factors, as these interact with the individual’s personality and temperament.

Anger issues may have a biological component. Some inherited traits and one’s temperament may contribute to anger issues. Experiencing changes or fluctuations in your hormone levels, such as your testosterone or cortisol levels, can influence your anger. Lastly, having imbalances in your brain chemistry can also affect whether and how you regulate your mood well.

Psychological factors such as mental health conditions, experiences of childhood trauma, and stress or frustration can all contribute to feelings of anger. Health conditions such as anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder can all have increased levels of anger and irritability as symptoms.

In terms of environmental factors that might play a role in anger, your family dynamics and upbringing can shape your behavior, including how you understand and relate to your anger. If you’re exposed to violence and anger, or the cultural and social norms you’re immersed in navigate anger in unhelpful ways, it can also contribute to anger issues. Anger may also become a problem if you find yourself in difficult life circumstances that trigger anger.

Apart from these main factors, other things that can trigger anger issues include struggling with medical issues like chronic pain or thyroid disorders, substance abuse, or sleep deprivation. These and other factors may lie under a problem with anger.

How Anger Can Upend Your Life

When you get angry, there is no telling where it’ll take you if you let it. Some things are good servants and poor masters, and anger is one of those things. Anger can upend your life in significant ways.

Along with this goes the idea, “Be angry and do not sin.” As a person who has come under the leadership of Christ and the support of the Spirit, anger is not essentially bad but can become so when not controlled and given the reins to steer your choices. Anger, in controlled usage, can draw attention to wrongdoing and urge the wrongdoers to change their ways (i.e., a picked-on person saying “you need to stop spitting spit wads at me because that is not okay”).

Anger in uncontrolled, sinful form can seek to attack, humiliate, or damage the wrongdoers and end situations altogether (i.e., a picked-on kid (or bully) punching or damaging or humiliating the other person).

Some of the ways unbridled anger can be disruptive in your life include:

Damaging relationships When you don’t manage your anger well, it can lead to frequent and deep conflict with the people in your life. Angry outbursts can strain relationships with others, and you may say things in anger that you later regret. If you’re an angry person, people may walk on eggshells around you or avoid you altogether, leading to social isolation.

Affecting your work life Anger can result in conflict with clients, coworkers, or supervisors, which may result in job loss. If it doesn’t get that far, anger can still impair your judgment by impairing your decision-making and problem-solving skills, impacting job performance. Unmanaged anger may also lead to accidents, injuries, and reckless behavior on the job, which endangers you and other people.

Impact on physical health When you’re angry, it’s a whole-body experience. Anger activates your fight-or-flight response, putting your body on high alert for threats. If you are angry a lot and if the anger is intense, that taxes your body. Chronic anger can increase the risk of cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, a weakened immune system, and stomach issues like ulcers, irritable bowel syndrome, and acid reflux.

Impact on mental health Just as anger affects your body, it also affects your mind. If your anger isn’t under control, it can contribute to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and feelings of guilt and shame. To cope with anger and its effects on one’s life, some people turn to substance abuse, which worsens the situation.

Legal and other consequences Anger can lead to bad decision-making, like assaulting other people or damaging property. This can result in legal action being taken against you, as well as being arrested and possibly convicted. Anger can also lead to financial problems, especially when the anger escalates and results in losing work or facing lawsuits for damage caused to people and property out of anger.

Uncontrolled anger can take a difficult situation and make it worse. This makes it all the more important to address anger issues to deal with life problems without worsening them or creating new ones.

Signs of Anger Issues

Can you tell when you’re getting angry? It’s possible to know yourself well enough to clock when you’re starting to get angry. For some, they feel their face flush or their ears start to burn. Perhaps your heart rate increases, and you get a sense of tunnel vision. Maybe you start talking quite fast and gesturing a lot. Or maybe you go quiet, and you clench your jaws and fists. Each of us has our unique reactions when we start to get angry.

Anger issues can manifest in different ways, and sometimes it’s possible to not even realize that one has a problem with anger. Here are some signs of anger issues to be wary of:

Irritability and mood swings One sign of anger issues is if you easily get annoyed or frustrated, even over small or inconsequential things, and you experience sudden shifts in your mood. If you are irritable or your mood shifts are deep and hard to get out of, that too could point to anger issues.

Sarcasm and passive-aggressive behavior Sometimes, people will express their anger in quieter, more indirect, and less confrontational ways. This includes using sarcasm, backhanded compliments, sulking, rolling your eyes, procrastinating, or other indirect expressions of anger.

Feeling tightness or tension in the body This occurs because you may be frequently clenching your jaws, fists, or tensing your shoulders, indicating pent-up anger or frustration.

Avoiding conflict or difficult conversations Another subtle sign that could point to anger issues is dodging hard discussions or situations that might lead to conflict, instead of addressing issues head-on. If you don’t want to have such discussions because you’re worried about your reaction, especially how you’ll react if you get angry, that could point to anger issues.

Procrastination or passive resistance Another sign of anger issues is when you put off tasks or responsibilities, or you do them begrudgingly to express your anger or frustration with a person or your circumstances.

Overreacting or being overly critical Instead of reacting in a measured way, responding in an excessive or over-the-top way to minor setbacks or mistakes could lead to anger issues. Additionally, if you’re overly critical of yourself or others, that could also be the result of anger issues.

Difficulty relaxing or calming down If, when you get angry, you struggle to unwind or relax, or to calm yourself down even in peaceful environments, that could indicate anger issues.

Substance abuse or addiction Using substances to cope with or numb feelings of anger or the consequences of actions taken in anger may point to anger issues.

Physical complaints Experiencing somatic symptoms such as frequent headaches, stomach issues, high blood pressure, or other physical complaints may be the result of stress and anger issues.

Difficulty apologizing or forgiving If you struggle to admit mistakes you’ve made, to apologize, or to forgive yourself or others, it may be the result of unresolved anger or resentment.

People experience anger differently, and these signs may well point to anger issues, but they may also be rooted in another cause. If you’re concerned about your own anger or that of someone you know, you must consider seeking help from a mental health professional to help you identify and address any anger issues.

Addressing Anger Issues in Your Life

Dealing with anger issues is a process that takes time and concerted effort. There may be habits you’ve accrued over the years that are at play, and it takes time to identify these and begin to unravel and replace them with newer, healthier habits.

You can begin working toward addressing anger issues by taking time to reflect on when and why you get angry. Being able to identify patterns and triggers is a helpful step in learning how your own anger works. Anger issues can also be addressed by improving your communication skills, which include listening well to others, being able to express yourself clearly, and setting healthy boundaries in your relationships.

You must nurture your own well-being, and that includes getting enough sleep, eating well, and engaging in regular exercise and activities that calm you and bring you joy. You can make use of creative expression to articulate your feelings, and you can seek professional help in the form of anger management classes and therapy to help you identify and shift negative and unhealthy patterns of thought and behavior.

To learn more about managing anger and to meet with one of the faith-based therapists at our location, call us today.

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“Fire”, Courtesy of Eric Sanman, Pexels.com, CC0 License

Single Women Over Fifty Ask, “Will I Ever Get Married?”

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By the time you hit the age of fifty, you’ve picked up a few truths. You know which coffee brands are worth the extra dollar, and you’ve figured out how to pay your own bills. You may even love sleeping in the middle of the bed without apology. But sometimes there’s still this small quiet question that bubbles up when things get still enough. You wonder if you will ever get married or even fall in love?

Statistically speaking, the odds aren’t in your favor. If you’re a woman who has never been married and you’re over the age of fifty, the data puts your chances of marrying somewhere around 5-10%, depending on where you live and a few other factors. It’s not zero, of course, but it’s not a high probability either.

And yet you still desire to find the love of your life.

Those statistics don’t tell the whole story. They don’t know you or what is possible, especially when you seek the help of God. God sees the desires of your heart, even the ones that you’re too afraid to admit to other people. He doesn’t shame you for wanting love. Remember, it was His idea in the first place.

But you’ve probably already prayed that God would bring the right husband into your life, right? Maybe you’ve been praying for a long time, and now you’re tired. Not tired of trusting God or praying, of course, but of waiting, and that is a perfectly normal reaction.

It’s normal to grow tired of timidly walking into events alone or cringing from well-meaning comments about whether you’re dating. And it can be exhausting pretending that you don’t care that there is no significant other in your life, when you still long for a wedding band on your finger.

Weariness is not an indication of your lack of faith in God or His perfect plan. But it is a type of grief for what you think you’re missing out on, even if it’s mixed with a healthy dose of hope that life won’t always look the way it does now. God understands these complex, sometimes contradictory emotions. He knows the ache of being misunderstood and what loneliness feels like.

Your weariness may be partly due to the lies you tell yourself. You might not even realize it, but over time, it’s easy to internalize messages that aim to convince you that something is intrinsically wrong with you. “If only I had been prettier, thinner, more outgoing, then maybe someone would have picked me up by now.” Lies like that have a way of planting seeds that develop deep emotional roots.

Therapy can benefit you by giving you a platform to sort through the confusion and help to uproot those painful and sinister lies. A Christian therapist can give you an outlet to say the things out loud that have been trapped in your mind. Therapy can give you the tools to sort through the sadness, frustration, and even the shame that sometimes tag along with prolonged singleness.

It’s okay to still want to be chosen, even if you’re in your fifties or older. Love at your age might look a bit different than if it had come earlier in life. But maybe that’s a good thing. With age comes less need for performance and pretending to be something you’re not. There is less time wasted because by the time people hit their fifties, they begin to know exactly what they want and what they will no longer endure.

One significantly positive difference is that you’re not trying to build a life from scratch but inviting someone into a life you’ve already worked hard to establish.

Yes, the odds might not be in your favor if you’re seeking love after fifty, but that doesn’t mean that, with God’s guidance, it won’t happen. And what if it doesn’t? Then you’ll be okay too, because God’s love is not short nor confined to your plans.

What should you do while you wait? Stop. You stop waiting. Stop waiting to live life as a part of a marriage and make the most of your singleness right now. Go to the party, even if you’re going alone. Make space in your life for people who matter and get connected to a healthy church family who can be there with you through life’s ups and downs.

Just because you stop waiting, doesn’t mean you stop hoping. Don’t put your life on hold. Live fully while leaving an extra seat at the dinner table. Because you never know when God may do something beautiful and send someone to you at a most unexpected time.

If someone does walk in? Great. If not, you are still building a beautiful, meaningful, and connected life. One that isn’t defined by whether you wear a ring, but by the way that you choose to love yourself, others, and most importantly, God. Your best years are not behind you, nor were they wasted on singleness. Some of the best moments might still be ahead, whether you’re married or not.

If you would like to learn how a Christian therapist can help you navigate singleness after fifty, contact our office today.

Resources:
https://www.bgsu.edu/ncfmr/resources/data/family-profiles/eickmeyer-age-variation-first-marriage-rate-1990-2017-fp-19-05.html

Photo:
“A woman standing”, Courtesy of Roberta Sant’Anna, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

 

Topics Covered in Christian Marriage Counseling

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Christian marriage counseling is available before and during the marriage. However, many people don’t realize that you can receive counseling before a problem arises in the relationship.

For example, a few sessions of Christian marriage counseling can prepare you to manage conflict, defuse angry situations, and open lines of communication to keep your marriage from losing ground.

Of course, it’s never too late to seek help. If you believe your marriage needs help, consider contacting a marriage counselor today.

How Christian Marriage Counseling Differs

Christian marriage counseling differs from mainstream counseling. Counseling in a Christian setting (whether in person or virtual) is based on a combination of Biblical principles and evidence-based psychology methods. Since faith is the foundation of a Believer’s life, it is the foundation of their therapy.

Christian marriage counseling acknowledges that sin and its consequences contribute to many issues in relationships. The counselor leads the couple to recognize their sin and repent, allowing them to experience the cleansing that only God’s grace and mercy can provide. This turning away from sin and striving to lead a Christ-like life means a fresh start for the marriage.

Commonly Covered Topics in Christian Marriage Counseling

Christian marriage counseling covers many topics. Whether you want to be prepared for future challenges or need help with a specific issue, Christian counseling has the solution.

Seeking help early is key. If you feel something is wrong and you’ve discussed it with your spouse, you may need assistance from an unbiased third party. Unlike a friend or family member, a counselor can teach strategies and skills that will serve you and your marriage for years to come. Counseling is also a safe space to share intimate details without judgment or ridicule.

The following is a list of common topics covered in Christian marriage counseling.

Communication Problems

Many marital problems stem from miscommunication. Often, we mimic our parents in our own relationships. If we come from a household where the adults did not discuss matters or turned to anger or silence when there was a problem, we might do the same.

Effective communication skills open the door to discussing matters and fostering understanding. Even if you cannot agree with your spouse, or a resolution is not easily found, communication skills make it possible to keep those lines open.

Anger Management

Anger clouds our vision and makes it impossible to hear what others are saying. We become convinced that our way is the only right way, or we lash out at others by slamming doors, throwing things, or verbally or physically hurting others.

Anger is not a sin. But allowing anger to become uncontrollable is a sin. How you react during a situation can bring peace or destruction. The Bible speaks of anger: “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” (Ephesians 4:26-27, NIV) Anger management skills can help you work through your anger and remain calm, allowing you to discuss problems rationally.

onflict Resolution

You can avoid escalating conflict with a few strategies. Counseling can equip you with skills in clear communication, active listening, anger management, and identifying the underlying issues that contribute to the conflict. It may be necessary to compromise or seek the help of a third party to resolve the problem.

Learning how to address the problem early, rather than allowing hurt feelings to fester, will save you heartache in the future. It may not be possible to resolve a conflict overnight, but making progress will help you both sleep better.

Financial Issues

Financial stress can overwhelm a marriage. Whether you are living beyond your means, the cost of living has increased, or you have excessive spending, it can lead to conflict. Add to that the cost of groceries and gasoline, college and daycare, and you may find that you argue more about money than any other issue.

Gambling and excessive spending also cause relationship problems in the family. A Christian counselor can help you identify the root of the problem and guide you through steps toward resolution, including budgeting, getting back on track, and paying off debt.

Sexual Problems

Sexual problems can strain the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Erectile dysfunction, low libido, vaginal dryness, Peyronie’s disease, hormonal issues, or sexual disinterest can leave both parties feeling neglected, insecure, and emotionally hurt. In some cases, this can lead to physical or emotional affairs.

Whatever the reasons, counseling can help both parties build emotional intimacy as you work on solutions for physical intimacy. Counseling takes place in a safe space, either in a quiet office at the center or virtually from the comfort of your own home. You learn to build trust and rely on each other beyond sex.

Establishing Boundaries with Extended Family

You may need to establish boundaries with extended family members. Your parents, siblings, and in-laws mean well, but their unannounced arrivals and late-night phone calls may cause more harm than good in your marriage. The same goes for family members who tend to assert themselves in arguments between you and your spouse.

It takes a firm word to set boundaries with others, but your relationship with your spouse must come first. Depending on the person, you may need to tell people to call before coming over to your house or to stay out of your arguments with your spouse. Discuss with your spouse where to draw the line. You may need to consider counseling if your spouse disagrees with boundaries and it’s causing conflict in the relationship.

Mental Disorders

Mental disorders can cause damage to the marriage as well as to other family members. The signs of a mental condition can leave lasting impressions on children or trigger a traumatic response in a spouse. Depending on the mental disorder, it can lead to neglect, abuse, or PTSD.

Help is readily available for mental health problems. The stigma once associated with mental disorders has slowly lifted, and millions of people seek help from mental health professionals. You don’t have to go through it alone, either. Most counseling centers encourage couples or family therapy to help a family member with a mental condition, as well as local or online support groups.

Addiction

Addiction in any form can tear a family apart, causing trust issues between husband and wife. Addiction can include alcohol, drugs, pornography, sex, gambling, tobacco/cigarettes, shopping, food, and internet/gaming. Any substance or action that you crave or find yourself acting on an impulse can be an addiction.

Some people cannot stop certain addictions immediately without supervised help. For example, a person with a heroin addiction will develop withdrawal symptoms after stopping the drug and will need to be closely monitored in a medical setting for any physical complications.

Other addictions, such as smoking or food/overeating, can be overcome by slowly making changes. Speak to a counselor about addiction and the best (and safest) way to manage symptoms and save your marriage.

Infidelity

Infidelity, adultery, affairs, and physical and emotional betrayal can end in divorce. The ramifications of this type of betrayal run deep. It can take years after an affair for a couple to make strides toward rebuilding their marriage. It is possible, but there are many painful obstacles to move past.

Christian counseling works with the couple to “fireproof” their marriage, to lean in closer to God, and to ask for His grace and mercy during this season. It is learning how to communicate and prioritize your spouse above all others. It’s about healing emotional wounds.

Christian Marriage Counseling in California

Looking for Christian marriage counseling in California. Contact us today to schedule an appointment with a Christian marriage counselor. Your counselor can meet with you in person or virtually at a time that fits your family’s needs. Call us today to get started.

Photos:
“Bride and Groom”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “The Kiss”, Courtesy of Frank Mckenna, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Engaged”, Courtesy of Heather Mount, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

What You Should Know About Social Anxiety Disorder

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Whether you have always been prone to social anxiety or only recently developed the condition, you know the feelings of intense fear, worry, embarrassment, humiliation, or agitation that come with it. You may have had to bow out of social functions, such as a child’s high school graduation, a grandchild’s school play, or meeting friends at the movies.

Social anxiety disorder disrupts relationships and daily activities. The good news? You can overcome the symptoms of social anxiety.

What is social anxiety disorder?

Social anxiety disorder is a mental condition that encompasses intense fear and worry about social situations. It could be attending a concert, going out to eat at a restaurant, catching a movie at the theater, speaking in public, attending a Bible study, or just meeting friends for dinner and shopping. Someone with social anxiety can experience symptoms while thinking about the upcoming event.

Causes of Social Anxiety Disorder

There are various causes for social anxiety disorder:

  • Problems with neurotransmitters
  • Environmental factors
  • Trauma, abuse, or neglect
  • Family history or genetics
  • Bullying and other negative experiences

Social anxiety disorder impacts your ability to connect with others. It affects your ability to attend social functions for close friends and family, and even for yourself. Eventually, it becomes difficult to participate in regular services like church and going to work. Many people suffering from social anxiety disorder choose remote jobs, but this may only reinforce their isolation.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Exposure Therapy

Psychology has come a long way with treatments for social anxiety. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Exposure Therapy are two of the most well-known and effective forms of therapy.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is used for a wide range of mental conditions, such as anxiety, depression, eating disorders, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), bipolar disorder, phobias, panic disorders, and schizophrenia. Many people use CBT methods to change negative behaviors.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy addresses the cognitive triangle, which connects thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. For example, a negative thought can lead to an unwanted emotion, resulting in a negative behavior.

The triangle also works backward, as a bad habit (behavior) can lead to negative thoughts and emotions. CBT works to break the cycle by inserting and reframing thoughts and behaviors. Changing emotions first is typically challenging, so most CBT practitioners work on reframing thoughts and behaviors.

Exposure Therapy is a controlled exercise that gradually exposes you to social situations. A counselor typically sets the parameters and prepares you for the event. Depending on the severity of your social anxiety, your treatment may start with a five-minute stop at a small grocery store.

As you progress through treatment, the stops will become longer and contain more people. After every exercise, you will report your progress to the counselor and discuss what occurred, how you felt, and what thoughts went through your mind. If an outing did not work out as planned, you will discuss what could have gone better and regroup to try again.

The only way you can “fail” at therapy is if you do not put any effort in at all. The goal never changes, only the means change. If something doesn’t work the first time, your counselor will help you pivot to another strategy. You will notice that you will build confidence the more you follow CBT and exposure therapy methods.

Tips for Moving Past Social Anxiety

Social anxiety is an anxiety disorder, and you can overcome the symptoms. Often, making small changes can make a big difference over time. Practicing how to handle social situations will prepare you for the actual event.

Don’t underestimate the power of lifestyle. How you live can worsen anxiety symptoms. Be sure to initiate changes in your lifestyle for your physical and mental health.

Start with a few of the following suggestions:

  • Eat healthier meals
  • Eat at home more often to control ingredients
  • Avoid ultra-processed food, alcohol, nicotine, and drugs
  • Limit caffeine
  • Drink plenty of water
  • Exercise most days of the week
  • Take a brisk walk daily
  • Prioritize sleep hygiene
  • Care for your body
  • Enjoy a hobby
  • Call a friend or family member

As you progress through therapy, reconnect with old friends and form new friendships. Social connection is a wonderful way to lower stress, and we want you to experience that through overcoming social anxiety disorder.

Say positive affirmations

Positive affirmations are phrases that help to encourage and empower. The more you say these daily affirmations, the more you will believe them to be true. When you believe something, whether true or false, it becomes true for you.

For example, many people have false beliefs because of the words spoken to them during childhood. These beliefs are true for them only because it is what they choose to believe. If a woman is told she is unattractive her entire life, it doesn’t matter how many people tell her she is beautiful; she will not believe it until she changes how she thinks about it.

The following are examples of positive affirmations to help you through social anxiety:

  • I can do hard things
  • I am made in God’s image and likeness, and He is never afraid
  • This, too, shall pass
  • I am loved
  • I am accepted
  • I need not fear. My God is with me
  • I do my best, and God does the rest
  • It is well with my soul
  • I am safe
  • I am blessed and have favor with God
  • I am set apart for God’s purpose
  • I can do this. I will do this
  • I am at ease with other people
  • I will enjoy this moment

Some of the examples above can also be used as mantras during a stressful time. A mantra is a word or phrase you repeat to calm your mind and pull yourself back into the present moment. Try silently repeating, “I can do hard things,” in the middle of a crowd. Do you feel a mindset shift? Practice daily positive affirmations and mantras to see how they work for you.

Recognize triggers

You can develop social anxiety disorder later in life, especially if you have experienced trauma. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), the pandemic increased the prevalence of anxiety and depression by 25%. Many people still struggle with anxiety and social anxiety that began in 2020.

When you recognize your triggers, you can better prepare yourself for a social function. For example, you may experience symptoms when you agree to an event where you might be the speaker or have people’s attention.

Consider the following tips to help you prepare for a social outing:

  • Learn about the social function and your role there. Are you going to watch, or are you expected to participate?
  • Think about topic conversations. People love to talk about themselves, so practice active listening and ask questions. You can use the FORM method: ask about their family, occupation, recreation and hobbies, what motivates them, and what their passions are. They will like you because you are genuinely interested in their lives.
  • Wear comfortable clothing and, if allowed, bring someone with you for support. Decide in advance when to arrive and when to exit.
  • Visualize having fun.
  • Practice your affirmations and mantras.

If you can, start gradually exposing yourself to social situations. Maybe that means returning a book to the library by walking inside and saying hello instead of using the book drop. Or committing to a dinner out with friends for a chance to practice your new skills. Go slowly and reassess what worked and what didn’t. Then, do it again.

Help for Social Anxiety

Social anxiety disorder is treatable using a wide range of therapies. Contact our office today to schedule an appointment with a counselor to discuss therapies such as talk therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Exposure Therapy. We would love to get you back to enjoying social functions with your family and friends.

Photos:
“Family Dinner”, Courtesy of Curated Lifestyle, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Counseling”, Courtesy of Andrej Lišakov, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Morning Run”, Courtesy of Jenny Hill, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Cross”, Courtesy of Yannick Pulver, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

What You Can Expect from Christian Premarital Counseling in California

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The lead-up to a wedding is typically abuzz with excitement. A lot is going on at that time, including choosing venues, making decisions on color schemes and caterers, finalizing the budget and guest list, discussing whether to have live music or a DJ, and more.

As you and your intended make decisions about every facet of your wedding, the pressure can lead to an unintentional neglect of your relationship. One of the things a couple can do before and during this period of wedding preparations is attend Christian premarital counseling in California.

What is Christian premarital counseling for?

There are several unhelpful myths out there about premarital counseling, Christian or otherwise. Some believe that premarital counseling is the sort of thing that you do when you find your relationship riddled with problems, and you need to right the ship before you set sail, so to speak. Others believe that premarital counseling is only for religious people or if you want to get married in a church.

Christian premarital counseling isn’t a form of couples counseling reserved for floundering couples. Often, couples will seek counseling at a point in their relationship when they are at odds or facing a crisis. When couples seek counseling at this point, they may take a defensive posture against one another, making it harder to communicate their needs effectively as well as make meaningful progress toward resolving the issue.

Premarital counseling strengthens a relationship as part of the marriage preparation. Instead of waiting for the relationship to become strained before seeking help, premarital counseling helps a couple prepare for any serious issues before they arise in marriage. Premarital counseling helps a couple map out their future together.

A couple can use the wind in their sails as they head toward marriage to strengthen and deepen their relationship before they officially take that next step. Premarital counseling is thus not for religious folks only, or for couples going through a tough time. Rather, premarital counseling is a form of relational self-care, something a couple does in advance of any issues, but also during a tough season, too, if they choose.

Christian premarital counseling helps the couple talk about important issues that might become points of conflict later on. Talking about issues as diverse as money, parenting, infidelity, and roles in your future home helps you get on the same page, and premarital counseling equips you to work through these issues successfully.

How Christian Premarital Counseling Works

Christian premarital counseling sessions will vary depending on your counselor and the therapeutic technique they choose to use. However, there are some broad similarities in how premarital counseling works. To begin with, the initial sessions with your counselor will be for them to get to know you both so that they can identify your weaknesses, strengths, areas of potential conflict, as well as the ways you’re compatible.

During your sessions, you’ll share your life experiences, and your counselor will also observe your relationship dynamics. By sharing the life experiences that are significant to you both and that have shaped who you are and the expectations you carry into your relationship, you’ll gain deeper insight into your motivations and patterns in the relationship.

Premarital counseling in California also entails having conversations about important issues and questions that impact most marriages. Your counselor will lead you as you discuss topics such as how you and your partner plan to spend time together; how your finances will work; your beliefs and values (and how to handle these with respect and understanding); children and parenting, including whether you both want children, and how you’ll raise them.

Through your counseling sessions, the goal is to gain deeper insight into your future spouse, develop better communication skills, and shore up your strengths as a couple while getting on a growth trajectory in your areas of weakness.

What To Expect From Christian Premarital Counseling In California

In Christian premarital counseling in California, a counselor works with the couple or individual partners to pinpoint concerns, weaknesses, and strengths in the relationship. The partners can speak about their expectations and goals for the relationship, as well as identify steps taken to meet these goals and various challenges. As with other forms of premarital counseling, Christian premarital counseling helps couples better deal with conflict.

In addition to this, Christian premarital counseling in California will specifically offer couples a Christian understanding of marriage. Couples may understand marriage in a way that isn’t rooted in who Christ is and the ethos believers ought to live out in their marriage. Christian premarital counseling will also help couples understand how to use resources such as Scripture, prayer, and community in strengthening their marriage.

Christian premarital counseling may be challenging for several reasons. For one thing, because difficult and sensitive subjects will come up during the sessions, this may be a cause for anxiety or fear. These topics for discussion may highlight differences of opinion, and these differences may not be easily resolved. The couple may choose not to marry because of these differences, but they should discover this sooner rather than later.

Counseling provides the couple with a safe space to talk about difficult and sensitive topics, and some of these may stir painful thoughts and memories. For the couple to get the most out of it, it’s important to be truthful about their fears, doubts, goals, and expectations. It’s better to face these head-on, even though that might be hard in the short term. With the help of a licensed and trained counselor, the couple can work through this together.

There are many benefits of Christian premarital counseling in California. Your counseling sessions will equip you and your partner to handle the many slings and arrows that married life might direct your way. Faith-based pre-marriage therapy helps you to prepare to live a life together, and it helps you to face marriage with your partner realistically.

Benefits of Christian Premarital Counseling

It helps you view yourselves and your future life together realistically This allows you to plan for your future and set goals that will allow your marriage to flourish.

It will help you understand each other better By talking about what you believe, cherish, hope for, expect, and fear, you’re better placed to understand each other.

It will help improve your communication A healthy relationship requires good communication. Premarital counseling provides space for a couple to develop a working vocabulary so they can express complicated emotions, as well as share their opinions effectively without harming or shaming each other.

Address fears about marriage Premarital counseling takes a realistic look at what married life is like, and it can help to relieve anxieties about the future by taking a realistic look at what marriage will entail. Through premarital counseling, a couple will gain greater clarity about what marriage will be like.

Nurture skills regarding conflict resolution Some of the skills premarital counseling imparts include conflict resolution and proper handling of differences. Your counselor will teach you how to resolve problems respectfully and through constructive conversations.

Setting goals Premarital counseling helps a couple to start planning their life together and create a blueprint for their relationship. As the couple makes plans for their future, they can also learn how they make decisions and start setting patterns for how to handle their future life together.

Nurture mutual appreciation The process of premarital counseling helps you to gain a deeper appreciation of your strengths as an individual, as well as the positive aspects you possess as a couple. Seeing these things about yourself and each other helps you to develop a deeper sense of appreciation for one another.

Identify and unlearn dysfunctional patterns of behavior Another benefit of Christian premarital counseling is to identify dysfunction in how you think and behave. It goes beyond that by helping you both make use of gospel-rooted resources that can empower you to change and adopt healthy patterns.

Christian premarital counseling thus has many benefits, chiefly preparing you to have a healthy marriage with the right partner.

Next Steps

Christian premarital counseling in California aims to proactively identify and address any potential areas of conflict in a relationship before these become serious concerns. Through counseling, the spouses learn constructive and effective strategies for raising and resolving concerns without entering into prolonged conflict.

If you or your loved one is contemplating marriage, reach out to us at California Christian Counseling and schedule an appointment to speak with a Christian couples counselor in California to help you establish a strong foundation.

Photos:
“Laughing Couple”, Courtesy of Jonathan Borba, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Walking on the Beach”, Courtesy of Frank Van Hulst, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Setting Personal Boundaries in Marriage: Examples and Techniques

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There is likely no more intimate human relationship than the one between a husband and wife. Our proximity to our spouse is like having a personal vanity mirror always bouncing our identities, faults, and traits back at us. It’s the sort of relationship where two people come together to share the entirety of their lives.

This marriage relationship is characterized by deep vulnerability, emotional and physical intimacy, exclusivity, and the ongoing commitment to do life together in ways that other relationships simply can’t hold a candle to. don’t. If you pause and think about it, there are things about marriage that simply cannot apply to other relationships, and it feels weird to try and do so.

You don’t commit to live with your friend for the rest of your lives, nor do you have the same obligations when it comes to your workplace and work relationships. There is something decidedly unique about the marital relationship. This makes it somewhat strange to talk about boundaries in marriage.

If we think about boundaries like boundary markers of what keeps things out or in, appropriate or inappropriate, understandably, talking about drawing such lines may feel counterproductive to connection.

Personal Boundaries in a Committed Relationship?

One of the ways marriage is described in Scripture is that “a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, NIV). There is a unison that occurs in marriage, and it doesn’t refer only to physical union through sexual intimacy, but the union of various aspects of their lives, such as where they live, their goals and plans, their finances, and so on.

Not one taking over the other, not one spouse consuming the other, or the relationship replacing the individuals’ identities, but two unique individuals embracing unity and making another whole thing, greater than the sum of its parts. 1+1=3 is the Kingdom math of relationships. Talking like this sets up the inevitable question about how the boundaries within a marriage can be if the two become one flesh.

The interesting thing about becoming one flesh is that whatever it means, it doesn’t mean you lose your individual existence. After all, if that were the case, there would be no need for Scripture to keep talking about the different and distinct roles and responsibilities of husbands and wives. Being one flesh doesn’t mean you stop being who you are as an individual.

A couple may be married, but it’s possible to have a situation in which one of them trusts in Jesus and the other does not (1 Corinthians 7:12-16). Marriage doesn’t take away the fact that you are who you are, or the fact that you have particular likes, dislikes, things you’re interested in, sensibilities, and your own sense of humor.

What marriage does is create space for two people to live together and love each other well. Loving each other well doesn’t mean becoming one another; it means considering everything that your spouse is and loving them as they are, even as you yearn for them to become who the Lord intended them to be. You love your spouse well by honoring who they are and acting in ways that speak love to who they are.

This reflects the relationship the three members of the Godhead have with each other and desire with us. To bring the glory and beauty out of each other by witnessing each other, elevating each other, and enjoying each other. Every relationship, if it is to be a healthy one, requires boundaries. These boundaries aren’t physical, per se, but they are lines that demarcate where one person ends, and the other person begins.

Each person has their limits, their own personality, things that they enjoy or don’t, and ways of being that are irreducibly them. Boundary lines like fencing on property overlooking a cliff, as C.S. Lewis might illustrate, are there for a reason, to keep fun safe and to prevent venturing into peril.

Personal boundaries can then become ways that individuals indicate their individuality, and as beings made in God’s image, their individuality is something the Lord purposely brought into being, even if it needs refinement to become more Christ-like. The Lord knit you in your mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13), and personal boundaries help you to protect who He made you to be. It’s a sad thing to be compelled to become someone else.

Examples of Personal Boundaries in Marriage

To understand personal boundaries and the place they may have in a marriage, it may be helpful to give a few examples of some boundaries. The point behind boundaries is that they help the individual define their identity, and they also help to establish limits and clear expectations in the relationship. They can also help to prevent emotional burnout, resentment, or unnecessary anger in the relationship.

Personal boundaries help to define who you are, what you’re comfortable with, and what your needs and expectations are of others. These boundaries can be about your emotions, your body, your time, money, work, how you handle digital space, and so much more.

Some examples of healthy personal boundaries in a marriage include respectful communication, such as no raised voices or name-calling; respecting each other’s opinions; not resorting to guilt-tripping or manipulation; and giving each other space to process things when needed. These standards help create a sense of emotional safety and respect in the relationship.

Time is an important aspect of our lives. Spouses might want alone time to pursue their hobbies, and also time for shared activities. To promote a healthy work-life balance, a couple may need to establish boundaries between work and life, for instance, by not checking work emails after 5 pm.

The couple can also set limits on social engagements and time spent with in-laws over the holidays. Another set of boundaries has to do with our bodies and could include personal space and delineating times and places where you don’t want to be touched.

When it comes to sexual intimacy, desires, limitations, and preferences can also be communicated, so no one feels pushed to do things they’re not comfortable with. There may also be boundaries regarding public displays of affection or private moments like dressing or using the bathroom.

Finances are often a source of conflict in relationships, and clear boundaries may be helpful. Boundaries may be set to determine shared budgeting or spending decisions; issues like debt need to be disclosed, discussed openly, and managed jointly; there may be boundaries like not lending money to loved ones; there may be limits on personal spending or maintaining individual financial autonomy.

Lastly, a couple may set boundaries about their digital lives. This includes whether they have access to each other’s devices or social media accounts; whether they can use phones during their shared time; setting limits on online interactions, for instance, not connecting with or following exes; respecting each other’s wishes about the kinds of things posted online about the family; and limiting screen time before or in bed.

Each couple will have boundaries that are unique to them as a couple and to each individual in the relationship. One of the key elements of having boundaries is that these need to be communicated openly with one’s spouse to establish boundaries that work for both spouses.

How to Set and Communicate Boundaries

When you set healthy boundaries, it works to strengthen your relationship by promoting mutual respect, trust, and understanding. It helps you to know how to love each other well because you know what your spouse wants, what’s important to them, and what will help make them feel seen and heard. The question then is: how do you effectively set and communicate boundaries?

It isn’t always possible to set boundaries before marriage. You might not even be fully aware that you have boundaries, or you haven’t communicated them as such. That’s okay. Some steps for setting and communicating your boundaries include the following: Self-reflect. Before you set or communicate your boundaries, take the time to reflect on your limits and needs.

What are some things that you consider non-negotiables, like your personal space or sense of emotional safety? Are there some areas where you’re currently feeling overwhelmed or disrespected? This may clue you in on the areas where you potentially need boundaries. Communicate your boundaries.

When you try to share your boundaries, make sure to be specific and clear about what you want. It’s important that you clearly define the boundaries and the expectations you have. For instance, you can say, “I need some focused time in the morning for work. Can I have the morning without interruptions?” Another example of a boundary is “I’m uncomfortable discussing sensitive topics with our friends around. Can we discuss this when we get home and we’re in private?”

When you communicate the boundary, it’s also important to set a consequence if the boundary isn’t respected. For instance, a consequence might be “If you keep interrupting me while I’m working, I’m afraid I’ll need to take a break and check out from the conversation.” You need to communicate your boundaries assertively. That means maintaining eye contact, maintaining a calm but firm tone, and avoiding passive-aggressive or aggressive language.

Show empathy and understanding toward your spouse, listen to their concerns and perspectives, and remain open to compromise. Also, use “I” statements to express yourself without blaming or shaming your spouse. Your boundaries are not a way to control your spouse or to get your own way.

They represent genuine needs and ought to be open to discussion and compromise. Part of living with another person is learning to bear one another’s burdens and creating healthy boundaries. Respecting one another’s boundaries is one way to love each other and bear each other’s burdens well.

Dealing with Violated Boundaries

After you’ve communicated your boundaries, should those boundaries be violated, be sure to address those violations promptly. Show an appreciation for boundaries that have been respected, and communicate any violations in the same way you communicated the boundary. Boundaries can and do shift with time and circumstance. Be flexible, remain open to compromise, and hold the line firmly where necessary.

It may be helpful to seek professional help to set, communicate, or address violated boundaries. Your counselor can help you by creating a safe and conducive environment to have these conversations and develop the necessary skills.

Mulling over not exploring your boundaries and sharing them with your partner is universal and understandable, too. It may feel intuitively more desirable and convenient not to share than to share them because you may think, “It’s the end of the day, my spouse and I are interacting in close quarters, ‘til death do us part. I don’t want to get on their bad side.” But with bad boundary definitions, they often already are on your bad side.

Precisely because you will be with your spouse, conceivably to the end, having those conversations around needs, wants, and preferences will smooth out in time your relational functioning, which will be a great gift to both of you in perpetuity compared to the short-term benefits of conflict avoidance in the near term.

Boundaries are like well-reasoned laws in a frontier town. They help settlers grow side by side and cultivate the land by following agreed-upon principles. They aren’t just the boundaries to not take my stuff or stay away at this time. Growth through limits. Love from restraint. The benefits of respect and care from boundaries. I can say they are boundless.

Photo:
“Seasoned Couple”, Courtesy of Gustavo Fring, Pexels.com, CC0 License