11 Weight Loss Tips to Keep it Off

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Our busy lifestyles coupled with the availability of processed foods create the perfect storm for health issues. It’s no surprise that heart disease, diabetes, and other weight-related ailments are continually on the rise. Still, many people are seeking ways to reclaim control over their health.

11 Weight Loss Tips to Help You Make Lasting Change

1)   Think Small

Portion control isn’t a myth. If done correctly and consistently it will provide the desired results. A small, but full plate tells your brain it’s having enough food. On the contrary, large plates with more white space available make people serve and consume more food because portions appear smaller.

Put your veggies on a big plate to trick your brain into wanting more and the sweeter items on a small plate. When you swap your large plate for a smaller plate get ready to notice a big difference!

2)   Be Proactive

Sometimes we can sabotage our own success by not preparing adequately.  Try not to react to your hunger with unhealthy food choices. Be prepared by keeping healthy snacks in your pantry, office, car, and gym bag to make beneficial choices more likely.

When dining out, look online at the menu to make a conscious choice before even setting foot inside the restaurant. The aroma permeating a restaurant can prompt you to pick a food that doesn’t have your best interest in mind. Don’t be afraid to eat ahead of time or bring your own food when you know you’re going to be somewhere around meals you have chosen not to indulge in.

3)   Dish Up The Food

Admittedly, it’s easy to open a bag of popcorn while watching a movie and before you know it the entire bag is gone with no kernel in sight. Or opening up a package of cookies and consuming an entire sleeve without thinking through your actions. Part of eating intentionally is telling your food where to go instead of your food telling you where it’s going. Be the boss of your snacks.

If you have a tendency to eat fast, your brain may not register satisfaction or fullness in time to alert you that you’ve overindulged. This is a pattern for many on holidays where food is plentiful.

Decide what a reasonable portion is based on your individual plan and put it on a plate, napkin, bowl, cup or even the palm of your hand. Avoid eating out of the bag, carton, or other food container where you might lose track of your consumption.

4)   Eat Mindfully

Eating is not only among the most fundamental in the hierarchy of needs according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, but is historically known to bring people together around the dinner table for a time of fellowship. Sharing a tasty meal with good company can be one of the most memorable times in life.

Distraction diminishes the pleasure that eating has to offer. Next time you want to enjoy a spoonful of one of your favorite foods, turn off the TV, close your eyes and allow your senses to bring the experience to life as your taste buds peruse all of the different flavors and textures of the dish.

5)   Discomfort is Inevitable

Making dietary and lifestyle changes will cause some moments of (sometimes extreme) discomfort in your life. Saying ‘no’ to foods that were once staples in your home can test the very fiber of your willpower. At such times, reminding yourself that you are saying ‘yes’ to feeling good and promoting your overall health for a higher quality of life is essential.

6)   Be Active

Changing your diet must be coupled with increasing your physical fitness. You don’t need to become an Olympic athlete overnight. Create space in your day to participate in an exercise of your choice that motivates you.

7)   Dig Into The Why Behind Your Food Choices

Eating too much food or the wrong kinds of food can be a mask for or reaction to problems in other areas of our lives. When we are trying to fill a void in our lives or numb our pain, we can find ourselves taking comfort in the pleasure of eating. It’s paramount to take the proper time to focus on your emotional, spiritual and physical needs.

8) Accountability

Change is hard! If we do not share our goals with someone we trust, it becomes easier to make excuses or completely give up on the goals. If you find physical activity intimidating, find a battle buddy to walk, run, swim or join a fitness class with you.

It keeps you accountable and provides you with a person with whom to celebrate when goals are achieved. If meal planning isn’t your strength, find a mentor who can offer useful tips and tricks for designing a satisfying meal plan that you will look forward to preparing.

9)   Abstain If Needed

A trigger food, like ice cream, doughnuts or cake, can set off a domino effect that ends in unhealthy, and uncontrollable indulgences. When stress and negative emotions are high, vulnerability to overeating and binges also increases. It’s more beneficial to avoid taking that first bite than to take a bite and have to slam on the brakes.

“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive. – 1 Corinthians 10:23

10)   Keep Moving Forward

Mistakes will happen. Perfection isn’t expected. Extend grace toward yourself during those moments you might fall off. If you fall seven times, make sure you get up eight. No more starting over on Monday, the first of the year, after vacation, or when the holidays are over. Return to healthy eating immediately at the next meal. Don’t allow one negative decision to define your entire day. Keep moving forward. Don’t beat yourself up, but build yourself up!

11)   Flexibility Is Your Friend

Other than your trigger foods, which you might decide to completely remove from your diet, give yourself the freedom of flexibility. People who create rigid and constrictive diets often give up along the way because the pressure for perfection becomes too much to bear.

When you are a guest, be a blessing to your hostess. If foods are offered that you normally would avoid, make the wisest selections to not offend your hostess and get back on track at your next meal. Give yourself the freedom to choose which vegetable or fruit you want to eat. Avoid getting stuck in a regimented plan.

How Christian Counseling Can Help You Lose or Manage Your Weight

Television, magazines, and billboards tell us what our bodies should look like yet advertise foods that definitely won’t deliver any type of nutritional value. Fast-food and frozen meals become easy options because of the fast-paced world we live in.

Many people are increasingly busy, yet physically out of shape. If you are struggling with making healthy choices in your diet and physical activity, you are not alone. Christian counseling Newport Beach provides guidance and support to help expose the cause of the problem and create the best path forward.

Photos
“Breakfast,” courtesy of Hanny Naibaho, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Parfait,” courtesy of Sambazon, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Bicycle,” courtesy of Alejandro Lopez, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Sunday,” courtesy of Imani Clovis, unsplash.com, CC0 License 

5 Ways to Improve Your Experience Parenting Teenagers

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Parenting teenagers can be daunting. Adults remember the challenges of being adolescents themselves, and no amount of money in the world would induce them to go through those years again! The teenage years can be unsparing in difficulty, lasting from ages 8-25.

However, it’s just as challenging (or even more so) to be the parent of a child at this stage of life. Suddenly, your relationship with your adoring child shifts, and you find yourself struggling to relate to a seeming stranger who treats you as an enemy. In the wake of these changes, the entire family struggles to adjust to a new normal.

This article seeks to provide you with helpful tips to navigate the challenging season of parenting teenagers. A quick preview: don’t take things personally, set realistic expectations, understand your underlying goals and purpose, and encourage healthy self-esteem, and we also look at “eight anchors for adolescent growth” from the book Surviving Your Child’s Adolescence by Carl Pickhardt.

Helpful tips can’t make parenting teenagers easy, but implementing them can reduce the stress of this stage of life for you as the parent.

5 Tips for Parenting Teens 

1. Don’t take it personally

In Surviving Your Child’s Adolescence, Pickhardt uses the metaphor of a dog turning into a cat to describe a child turning into a teenager. You’ve spent years enjoying the happy companionship of a loyal dog, and then one day you wake up and find out that you’re the owner of a temperamental cat, who has a propensity to sulk in the corner.

When this realization dawns on you, it probably means your child has entered the teen years, and one of the best things you can do is to not take your child’s change in behavior personally.

According to Pickhardt, “Because parenting is a position of partial influence, parents need to limit their sense of responsibility. They can never know enough. They cannot fully protect any more than they can fully prepare.”

It’s hard not to attach a sense of personal worth to the way your child acts or performs, or to the level of success that they have. But your worth as a person and as a parent is not dependent on your child’s success. If you feel that you need to be perfect as a parent, that will probably end up placing pressure on your child to be perfect, which leads to unrealistic expectations of both you and your teen.

Feeling pressured to make sure your child is happy and successful will only lead to feelings of defeat, emptiness, and failure, because challenges and struggles are inevitable in life, and you won’t be able to control each one for your child, especially when he or she reaches the teen years.

Instead of this pressure, try to be a supportive, constant presence in your child’s life during the teen years. Trust the Lord, ask your spouse for support, and rely on other support systems if you need to. Be at peace with doing your best, even if your teenager disagrees with you.

Most teenagers go through a phase of mood swings, differentiating themselves from their family, and challenging authority to varying degrees. This will create unavoidable discomfort for you as the parent. Know that you are not alone during this time.

2. Set healthy and realistic expectations

It’s probably difficult to believe that the person who was once your lovable baby will turn into a teenager who doesn’t want to be around you. In some cases, teenagers don’t act this way, but most will go through a phase of distancing themselves from their parents and family of origin. This is a normal transition; it’s just part of growing up.

Make sure you’re not disciplining your child for behavior that is simply a developmental shift. Have grace on your teenager as he or she deals with mood swings, conflict, changes in communication, and even a propensity towards defiance.

Pickhardt explains five shifts that are a reality for most teenagers and will impact their parents and family life. The first reality is ignorance. During the teen years, kids become more private in their communication with their parents, effectively leaving their parents in the dark about certain aspects of their lives.

The second reality is estrangement. This occurs when a teen differentiates themselves from their family for the purpose of solidifying their individual identity. A teen may become interested in activities outside of daily family life. Abandonment is the third reality of adolescence. Parents often feel abandoned or lonely because their teen wants to spend less time with them.

Control is the fourth reality: “The challenge for these parents is to accept that although they can’t control their son’s or daughter’s choices, they can inform them, asserting influence through communication they make and stands they take.” During childhood, it’s easier for parents to set limits; the teen years require some adjustment.

And finally, the fifth uncomfortable reality is conflict. If there’s a teenager in the house, an increased level of conflict will probably be there as well.

Perhaps you’re thinking boarding school sounds good right about now, but having realistic expectations will make the journey of parenting your teen much easier in the long run. This normalizes your child’s behavior and helps you prepare for future transitions.

3. Understand the purpose

Though it may not feel like it now, this season of life has a purpose. The teenage years are a time of transition—from being completely dependent (as a child) to being independent (as an adult). This process of a child differentiating from their parents and developing a sense of personal identity and responsibility will allow them to be a thriving and productive adult one day.

Of course, this isn’t always fun to think about, but it’s a parent’s responsibility not just to enjoy their children, but to facilitate their development and preparation for adulthood.

The elevated levels of conflict in your home during this time are a natural way to “broker increasing differences between you and your teen, a necessary part of how you get along.” In other words, the conflict is necessary in order for you and your teen to reach a new level of equilibrium in your relationship, one that acknowledges disagreements and different values.

Sometimes you might feel like your teen is defiant for no reason at all, but it’s actually a necessary step in attaining independence and a sense of self.

No matter what stage of life you’re in, change is difficult. Consider the last major transition you went through as an adult. You probably felt uncomfortable, stressed, and anxious. Your teen is feeling that way right now, multiplied several times over, as they navigate a solid decade of constant change. A little empathy from their parents can go a long way toward making this time of life easier.

4. Encourage self-esteem in your teen

This is simpler than it might sound; just find any way you can to speak an encouraging word to your teenager. He or she will probably struggle frequently with discouragement, loneliness, and disappointment, as well as a comparison to others. As the parent, you can be your teen’s safe place—the one person who is guaranteed to build them up and see their potential. Look for ways to share in your teen’s happiness, join their activities, and encourage their dreams.

Whenever a new activity or trend catches your teen’s attention, you should always show an interest in it. Even when they move on or fail to reach a goal, they will in all likelihood cherish the support you offer them. Figure out what is important to them and join in.

5. “Eight Anchors of Adolescent Growth”

These “eight anchors” as outlined by Pickhardt offer a tangible guideline for parents to understand what they can expect from—and cultivate in—their teens.

  • Completing homework – Pickhardt describes homework as “work ethic training.” These assignments offer a daily opportunity to complete an often-unpleasant task even when you don’t feel like it (i.e., being disciplined). It also allows your teen to grow in the skill of time management. Having good time management skills and being self-disciplined will set your teen up for success in life.
  • Cleaning your room – Learning how to clean and maintain one’s personal space is one of the first steps in preparing for adulthood. It also shows respect for oneself, parental standards, and other members of the household.
  • Doing chores – Helping with household tasks is part of being a responsible family member. The parents are not the only ones who should be caring for and maintaining a functioning household. Pickhardt believes that chores should be done regularly, apart from a child being compensated with an allowance.
  • Participating in family gatherings and events – Many adolescents will balk at this at some point, preferring to spend time with friends instead, but it’s critical to enforce family participation because it sets an example of valuing these relationships, which usually last much longer than peer friendships.
  • Volunteering for community service – Serving in some way on a regular basis allows your teen to get outside of their own experience and thoughts about themselves. It gives them an opportunity to put someone else before themselves.
  • Saving money – Money management is another fundamental skill that will be invaluable in the future. While people differ in whether they tend to save or spend, everyone can benefit from learning to show financial restraint, set goals, and manage your own natural tendencies with spending.
  • Developing proficiency – Pickhardt states, “Developing proficiency of knowledge of skill nurtures confidence that many adolescents sorely need.” Parents can facilitate this by encouraging their teen to commit to learning a specific skill and develop confidence in that area. It may be in the realm of music, sports, art, or something else. When your teen wants to give up, encourage them to persevere.
  • Relating to salient adults – It is a blessing to have godly adults in your teen’s life who set a good example for them. Teenagers need this to offer a contrast to the influence of their immature peers. These adults can be family friends, relatives, teachers, or church leaders who can exert a positive influence on your teen.

Parenting teenagers is a unique stage that can be fun, overwhelming, and exhausting all at once. Some days you might think your child will never get out of this stage, while at other times it will seem like they’re growing up much too quickly.

No matter what stage of the journey you’re on, keep what we’ve covered here in mind:

  • Don’t take it personally,
  • Set healthy expectations,
  • Understand the purpose,
  • Encourage self-esteem,
  • Establish the Eight Anchors of Adolescence.

Hopefully, these tips have offered some help and hope in your journey of parenting your teen. If you need extra support, don’t hesitate to contact our team of Christian Counselors. We would love to walk alongside you on this journey.

Photos
“Window seat,” courtesy of Alexandre Chambon, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Growing Up,” courtesy of Suleman Mukhtar, pexels.com, CC0 License; “Strong,” courtesy of Christopher Campbell, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Down,” courtesy of Marcelo Matarazzo, unsplash.com, CC0 License 

Lies Women Believe: Experiencing the Stages of Spiritual Development

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This blog post is a review of “Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free,” by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

In her book, Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free, Nancy Leigh DeMoss writes about three different stages of spiritual development for women. We’ll take a look at each of those stages below.

Three Stages of Spiritual Development for Women

Stage One: Knowing Eve

What do you think Eve thought after she was removed from Eden? Do you think she regretted paying attention to the lies of the serpent? Picture what it must have felt like for Eve, one moment being in agreement with God, and then rebelling and being separated from him and not thrown out of her home. This was her first experience with isolation and failure. As women, we have all experienced these feelings (non-Christian and Christian women alike).

DeMoss believes that Christian women today are in bondage. She says: “They can’t enjoy God’s love.” This is a result of past experiences and sins. Another type of bondage that she mentions is “fear of man,” which consists of fear of being rejected, fear of what others think, and our need for others to approve of us.

Scripture teaches us that we should be free, but most women aren’t. Why is that? Because we were deceived. This began with Eve, and women have continued to believe these lies down to this present day.

Every difficulty we have today is because we have believed in these lies. We need to take back our lives!

Stage Two: Seeing the Lies

The author includes a list of the most common lies that women believe. This list is not exhaustive and not everyone is weighed down by the same lies. However, the lies mentioned are quite common among women.

Lie #1 – God: A common question in counseling is this: “if God is good, tell me why this [insert bad thing here] happened to me/my loved one?” Satan made use of a similar question to create doubt in Eve, distracted her (and us) from the good things God has provided. It also justifies us in deciding good and evil for ourselves, apart from God and his word.

Additionally, we tend to believe falsehoods regarding God’s attitude toward us. For example, if God doesn’t answer our prayers, we question his love for us. This is true even of Christians who were raised in a Church setting. They might know all about God’s love, but they don’t necessarily always experience it. This is another example of what the author describes as bondage.

Other lies that women believe about God may include: comparing God to the men we interact with, believing that God isn’t sufficient, feeling that living a godly life places too many limits on us, and thinking that God ought to fix every problem we have. If any of these lies sound familiar to you, you ought to read this book.  After all, our view of God is the foundation for all of life.

Lie #2 – Us: When we think about how we view God, we also begin to question how God sees us. Ms. DeMoss writes “If we do not see Him as He really is – if we believe things about Him that are not true – invariably, we will have a distorted view of ourselves.” If we believe that God does not control all things, it leads us to believe in lies.

For example, we start to believe that we are worthless. 42% of the women who were surveyed by DeMoss reported believing that they were worthless. This feeling can begin in childhood and run through a woman’s life all the way into adulthood. Left unaddressed, it can even lead to mental health issues as well.

Jesus has lived this pain. 1 Peter 2:4 reminds us that Jesus was “rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to Him.” Jesus viewed himself with reference to God the Father. Jesus showed our worth by loving us enough to die on the cross for us

This chapter also addresses the following lies: the lie that we need self-love, the lie that we cannot change, the lie that our rights are sacred, the lie that beauty on the outside is more important than beauty on the inside, and the lie that all your longings should be fulfilled. The end of each chapter has Bible passages that counter these lies. The author also has questions that you can use to determine whether these lies are present in your life.

Lie #3 – Sin: As Christians, we still sin. We are born with it, and that’s why we need the grace of God. While sin is present until we arrive in heaven, there are a lot of lies that we believe about it. Satan’s objective with Eve was to get her to sin and to believe that there would be no consequences.

This may be seen when the Serpent told Eve, “You surely won’t die!” though God had already told her “Eat this fruit and you will die.” The book offers a great discussion of this lie. It also expands to include other lies such as my sin not that serious, God will never forgive my sin, and I am not responsible for my sins.

In order to fight against these lies, we are asked to 1) Acknowledge God’s view of our sin, 2) Take full responsibility for our sin, 3) Assert the truth, 4) Act on the truth and 5) ask for God’s help to live a life of truth.

The remaining five lies addressed in the book focus on major aspects of our life such as emotions, marriage, children, and the personal circumstances we find ourselves in. Similar to the earlier chapters, each of these ends with a discussion of some truth from Scripture. The last page of each chapter has a prayer that may be of use to help you seek God’s help. We all want to be free of these lies.

Stage Three: Seeking the Light

The book has two main points. First, that believing lies restrain us, and second, that the truth can freedom. When we allow our relationship with God to grow, we stop believing in the lies.

In this last step, DeMoss walks us through a number of specific passages that will help to break our bondage. This review won’t go into much detail because it’s important that you read this portion of the book, yourself. However, we are here to help each other out. If you struggle to let go of a particular lie and need help, the Christian Counseling Newport Beach can help you.

Lastly, the each chapter’s structure allows you to know the truth of specific scripture verses. Some lies that you don’t know you believe will be revealed, and God will give you the confidence to start addressing them.

Also, each chapter provides sufficient Scripture to read to become stronger against lies that you may not have experienced. Store the lessons in your heart, and you will find God’s plan revealed to you.

Photos
“Long Distance,” courtesy of Chris Lawton, tookapic.com, CC0 License; “Strong,” courtesy of Christopher Campbell, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Pray,” courtesy of Olivia Snow, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Smile,” courtesy of Caique Silva, unsplash.com, CC0 License 

How to Cope During a Panic Attack

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Are chest pains, a pounding heart, faintness, weakness or dizziness, breathing difficulties, sweatiness or chills, a feeling of impending doom all too familiar symptoms to you? If so, then you probably know how upsetting a panic attack can be.

Some people even think they’re having a heart attack when they experience these symptoms, so a trip to the emergency room would be wise to rule out the possibility. It’s quite stressful for your body, and it takes a toll on your emotions as well.

A Defense Mechanism

Stress is not necessarily evil, though. It’s the body’s way of reminding us we need to keep things in check. Our bodies are fragile and yet also adaptable, ready to cope with whatever comes its way.

The body is equipped with the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) which acts as a defense mechanism that helps us in times of crisis. This sympathetic nervous system stimulates the fight or flight response, which helps your body to make a split-second decision to either stand and defend yourself against a certain threat or flee it.

For instance, when faced with a person in an alley who seems to be wielding a weapon, your SNS could either prepare you to take out your umbrella to defend yourself (fight) or run the opposite direction as fast as you can (flight). Basically, the function of the SNS is to do whatever is necessary to maintain that balance, to keep you safe.

Traumas and Triggers

Understandably, your body would be agitated by such an encounter. Suppose you realize shortly after that instead of a weapon, that stranger was actually just holding a flashlight. Your parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) then takes over to calm you down, helping you to relax by inhibiting or slowing the high energy functions activated by the SNS. It slows down your heart rate and relaxes some muscles, among other things.

The PNS is crucial because too much stress damages the body. Events like these can leave you traumatized, and trauma can rewire your brain and make your body act as if you’re always in danger, making it nearly impossible to remain in a state of calm. This predisposes you to anxiety and panic. If this persists for more than six months and remains unchecked, anti-anxiety medication may be required to help you keep things in check.

Our bodies have a way of remembering trauma. This can lead to a panic attack, which usually has a trigger. But not all triggers are the overt type. Some are less obvious, and this can make it quite challenging to figure out exactly what triggered your panic attack. This commonly happens when you don’t have outlets for these traumatic experiences, such as having someone to talk to and process these events with.

In these cases, they can build up in our system and implode with a panic attack even without any tangible trigger. A fainting spell is also possible; though this could also have a more serious root cause, in which case it would be best to see a doctor.

What You Can Do

You may begin to think that you’re helpless when it comes to managing your anxiety. The good news is that you’re not. There are many coping skills you can learn to help you keep your anxiety at bay. You have your parasympathetic nervous system to thank for that.

It may take a while, but it is definitely possible to unlearn your body’s response to trauma and retrain it to respond differently to anxious thoughts and feelings. One of the best and easiest ways to do this would be to control your breathing.

Here is a step-by-step procedure on how to do just that:

  1. First, find a place where you can sit in a comfortable, relaxed posture.
  2. Next, engage your diaphragm and breathe slowly. Make sure you push out your stomach (diaphragm). You can place your hand on your stomach to ensure its movement.
  3. Inhale slowly (through the nose) to the count of three. Inhale 1…2…3. Then exhale slowly through your mouth.
  4. If you were able to do that, increase the count of your inhale to six. Inhale 1…2…3…4…5…6. Then exhale slowly.
  5. Do this for a minute, focusing on your breathing and just feel the anxiety melting away as your body calms down.
  6. Continue this exercise and increase deep breathing duration to two minutes, then five, then ten, or twenty if necessary.

This exercise may not be easy to do at first. But just as you are teaching your body to cope in different ways, you are also unlearning some unhealthy learned responses to stress, so it may take a while to get used to. Take it easy on yourself. After all, you’re doing your part to teach your body that it’s okay to calm down.

The Three R’s: A Non-Medicinal Treatment Approach for Anxiety

A guide to the non-medicinal treatment of anxiety can be outlined with these three words: Recognize, Reflect and Redirect.

Recognize – A wise man once said: “Anxiety is a monster that grows when we feed it with avoidance.” This could not be truer. Some people are predisposed to avoiding anxious thoughts with unhelpful coping mechanisms, such as diverting their attention to social media, television or whatever it is that makes the anxiety go away…temporarily.

The thing with avoidance is that it does not solve the issue. It doesn’t even recognize the issue. Not recognizing the issue means not recognizing the need to keep things in check, until the issue has spiraled out of control. A series of persistent anxious thoughts that remain unchecked could lead to a panic attack, which leads to more panic attacks. This is why recognizing that you feel anxious is crucial in managing anxiety.

Reflect – Not all stress or anxiety is bad. In fact, a certain amount of anxiety could keep you out of trouble. For instance, that sudden stress you feel when you wake up in the middle of the night and realize you left your front door unlocked would be enough to make you get out of bed to lock it so you can keep your family safe, no matter how tired you are.

But catastrophic expectations, such as thinking that one day, you are bound to forget to lock the door and an intruder will come in can quickly spiral into panic. Which is why it’s necessary to do a bit of reflection and consider asking yourself, “Is there anything I can do about this now?” If nothing can be done for the moment, then focus on the present. Practice deep breathing and remind yourself to focus on the now.

Redirect – Here come the helpful diversionary tactics. Once you’ve been able to recognize the anxious thought and reflect on it, it’s important to ensure it doesn’t cycle back to being picked up again. Now is the time to focus on positive things like work, your environment or even a memory verse from the Bible that ministers to you about your anxiety. Focus on mindfulness, the here and now, your extrasensory experiences and engage your imagination.

An example of using redirection would be to put on some relaxing music and work with your hands (clean the house, wash your car, clean up your closet) after you’ve recognized an anxious thought and reflected on it. As you redirect, engage your imagination and think about the instruments being used to play the music, consider what it must’ve been like as they recorded the song, think of who the musicians were.

While you’re at it, consider also the feel of your hands working through whatever it is you’re touching – a broom, a t-shirt, a sponge. Feel the texture, weight, shape in your hands. These mindfulness techniques help you focus on the here and now, thereby redirecting your mind and preventing the anxious thought from starting up again.

Growth and Healing Are Choices

One important thing to remember with any treatment approach is that you need to treat yourself with curiosity and kindness. The curiosity will help you look into your emotional world and try to see what drives your trauma, and the kindness will go a long way in your journey of healing.

All your past experiences, good or bad, shape your emotional structure as do your responses to these events. The responses may have ended up as learned (though unwanted) behavior. The key is that once you recognize that there is a pattern of unwanted behavior you may have picked up from some negative past experience, you have the chance to free yourself from being a helpless victim. If that means you need to take anti-anxiety medication then do so – there is no shame in that.

To say that a lack of faith causes anxiety is to oversimplify a psychological condition and undermine faith. In fact, in 1 Timothy 5:23, Timothy is given instruction by Paul to drink wine to ease his stomach discomfort. This shows men of faith taking practical steps to heal physical ailments.

Why should asking for help to ease your minds be any different? After all, God has given you a sound mind to be able to discern where to seek treatment – whether it be a recovery group, counseling or a psychiatrist. God has provided avenues for healing. You must make the choice to move forward.

God Loves and Values You

It is unfortunate that many believers think God doesn’t want us to feel good about ourselves. Blame it on the excesses of the self-esteem movement in the 60s that took Christianity and feeling good about oneself out of context and to an extreme.

No matter what has happened in the past, what’s happening now, and what’s to come, God loves you. He treasures you. Remember what He did on the cross to redeem you. This should be enough to remind you of your worth in His eyes. So stop believing the lies of the enemy. You ARE worth it.

Stop beating yourself up – He has already won. The work is done. Christ is victorious. All you need to do is take steps to manage your anxiety. God wants you to see His goodness in your life.

Christian Counseling for Anxiety

You are created in God’s image. As God’s image-bearers on earth, shouldn’t you be the best version of yourself so that you can reflect God’s greatness? If you struggle with anxiety, if it holds you back in any way perhaps Christian counseling Newport Beach could help you examine your struggles and provide expert guidance on how to cope. After all, you are not meant to bear this burden alone.

 

Photos

“Depressed,” courtesy of HolgersFotographie, pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Upset,” courtesy of Ben White, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Please, Lord,” courtesy of Diana Simumpande, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Stretch,” courtesy of Jacob Postuma, unsplash.com, CC0 License

How Premarital Counseling Can Save Your Marriage Before it Starts

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The days leading up to a wedding are packed full of visiting venues, tasting dishes from different caterers, selecting a cake, and finding the perfect gown to walk down the aisle in. In the flurry of activity, the most important to-do item is often overlooked — premarital counseling.

Dating and engagement are often times of infatuation. You love your partner’s loud laugh and the way he has a laid-back attitude toward life. Your heart melts a little when he smiles at you. Every moment together is thrilling and you feel like life with him will be a dream come true.

Fast forward to three years into marriage and you suddenly notice stark differences between yourselves, the things you once thought were adorable about your spouse annoy you, finances are putting a strain on romance and communication becomes a strenuous activity.

Why You Should Seriously Consider Premarital Counseling

Once you say your vows at the altar, there’s no going back. If you are going tospend the rest of your life with someone, shouldn’t you take the time to discuss in detail your desires and mindsets? Some couples wed because they make each other happy, but what happens when those feelings fade?

A Christian counselor in Newport Beach can help you gain a larger perspective on your relationship. A counselor might reveal to you a blind spot that’s been overlooked during the dating and engagement season. Agreeing to go to counseling can help you begin building your marriage on Christ’s solid foundation.

5 Reasons Why Pre Marriage Counseling Should Be Required

Matthew 9:6 tells us that when a husband and wife get married they become one, “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

But becoming one isn’t always as seamless as it sounds. Two people living independent lives are suddenly thrown into a marriage where decisions and actions must be discussed and agreed upon together. Premarital counseling can help you ease into those early days of navigating married life.

The following is a list of five reasons why premarital counseling should be a top priority for seriously dating or engaged couples.

1. Identify conflict resolution styles

Chances are you and your partner have different views on how to resolve a conflict. Maybe you grew up in a household where your dad had an angry outburst, gave the silent treatment and then once his mood passed everything went back to normal. The conflict was never appropriately addressed. On the other hand, maybe you saw your parents address conflict immediately and openly.

Finding common ground with your future spouse on how to best solve conflict will give you a leg up in marriage. Conflict is inevitable when you are in a relationship. Maybe the wife needs thirty minutes of alone time to collect her thoughts and the husband is adamant about addressing the conflict immediately.

A middle ground can be reached to make sure both people are resolving the conflict in a healthy, beneficial way. Counseling gives you a safe place to create a plan before the conflicts arise.

2. Ask the hard questions in a safe place

Counseling sessions are known to bring the critical but tough questions to the table. The questions force you to plunge below the surface of your relationship and uncover your personal beliefs that may have been minimized during dating.

When you are blinded by wedded bliss you might forget to ask about when to have children, how to discipline the kids, who will provide financially, how will you split household chores, what church will you attend, and how to manage finances effectively.

3. Take the opportunity to grow in love

During the Passover Festival, Jesus knelt before his disciples and, in an act of true humility, washed their feet. “It was just before the Passover Festival. Jesus knew that the hour had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end.”

In John 13:1, the words “he loved them to the end” jump off the page. The same statement can be applied to marriage. Spouses are called to love like Jesus which means loving each other to the end.

Love is more than a feeling. Feelings fizzle out, but commitment provides a place for your love to grow and flourish. You don’t want your love to be like the leaves on a tree. As soon as the wind blows and hard times hit, the leaves vanish. You want a love like the roots of a tree.

The hurricane winds may come and bend your marriage, but it won’t break it. Roots mature over years of marriage, but the roots grow a little deeper during premarital counseling. It takes effort and energy to continue to grow those roots past the early stages of romance.

4. Marriage lasts the rest of your life

Brides and grooms spend countless hours and dollars to host the wedding of their dreams. Pinterest helps brides plan their perfect wedding and the wedding industry responds with sky-high pricing. If you want to put that much time and money into one day, wouldn’t you want to invest into the days that follow?

Marriage is definitely worth celebrating, but not at the expense of life after marriage. Premarital counseling makes sure you are both on the same page before racing off to your honeymoon. You can walk down the aisle with more confidence knowing you invested time into the important topics that will shape the future you share with your spouse.

5. God honors marriages that glorify Him

God is the author of our lives and the designer of marriage. Marriage will refine you and mold you in new ways. You will experience the valleys and the mountaintops with your spouse. A marriage blessed and strengthened by the Lord can withstand the storms. Marriage is a high and difficult calling, but everything our Lord calls us to He also empowers us to accomplish.

Get Wisdom from those Around You

A Newport Beach Christian counselor can equip and empower you to step into marriage knowing your spouse on a deeper level. Marital love is an expression of humility and self-sacrifice that brings honor to our Heavenly Father.

Your marriage can be an example to others of Jesus’ love for the church. If you are engaged to be married or seriously dating, consider investing some time to experience the benefits of premarital counseling.

 

Photos
“Forgiveness,” courtesy of David Nunez, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Committed,” courtesy of Zoriana Stakhniv, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “To have and to hold,” courtesy of Jon Asato, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Jesse & Terry,” courtesy of Vanessa Porter, Flickr Creative Commons, CC by 2.0 

Bipolar Disorder Types, Symptoms, and Treatment Options

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Bipolar disorder is often referred to as experiencing emotional “ups” and “downs,” however this broad description doesn’t accurately reflect or encompass the depth of this disorder.  Most people can admit to having some level of mood swings, so how can someone differentiate between fluctuating emotions and bipolar disorder?

Bipolar Disorder Causes Disruption to Daily Life

A break up happens and the wounded one finds herself feeling pretty down.  Eventually, time passes, the mood improves and life goes on. For people living with bipolar disorder, they cycle through intense elevated periods called mania and severe low periods called depression. These uncontrollable, unpredictable mood shifts normally disrupt the daily life of those with bipolar disorder.

Imagine feeling euphoria. You are on top of the world. But those feelings can’t be truly embraced because you know at some point the crash will occur. Your life plummets into a depressive state. The elation you once experienced is extinguished and replaced with suicidal thoughts, feelings of fatigue and apathy toward life.  It can feel like the world is coming to an end. Living with bipolar disorder can be similar to this.

Getting Familiar With Bipolar Disorder

It’s common to hear someone say,  “You are acting bipolar!” This assessment is often made incorrectly and is a contributing factor to why true bipolar disorder can be so difficult to identify.  Constantly changing your mind does not make you bipolar, nor does instant mood switching.

Three Bipolar Disorder Types

In general, this condition can be separated into three distinct bipolar disorder types: Bipolar I, Bipolar II, and cyclothymia. Bipolar I is the classic, high-highs and low-lows. Bipolar II is an experience of hypomania (an elevated mood but not complete mania) and deep depression. Cyclothymia is a long-term cycling between periods of elevated and depressed mood, but never full mania or full depressive episodes over the course of years.

Everyone who suffers from bipolar disorder experiences it in a unique way. It’s possible that no two experiences are alike since the different stages of bipolar disorder create signs and symptoms that vary from person to person. If you recognize any of these signs or symptoms, or a loved one points them out to you, seeing a professional therapist is the best action to take to discuss how to manage the disorder and live a healthy life.

Signs of Bipolar Disorder

What are the signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder? Here are a few signs that what you’re experiencing could be categorized as bipolar disorder.  Remember, bipolar disorder can be challenging to pinpoint. Discussing your concerns with a therapist is the best choice if any of these symptoms resonate with you.

Depression

A person who is in a depressive bipolar state will mirror a person with depression. This means the person could show signs of sorrow, lack of energy, decreased appetite, and loss of focus. Either a depressed state or a loss of interest in pleasure must be present in order to make a diagnosis.

You don’t have to cry copious amounts of tears to fit the depressed category. Depression tends to bring a general detachment from life and its events. You may see a few other changes like feeling exhausted all the time, feelings of inappropriate guilt, anxiety, and an unhealthy fixation on death.

Mania

What separates bipolar disorder from major depressive disorder is the presence of a “manic episode.” The DSM-IV summarizes a manic episode as “ a distinct period of abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood, lasting at least one week (or any duration if hospitalization is necessary).”

1. Inflated ego

During a manic phase, the person might appear overconfident or borderline narcissistic.

2. No need for sleep

You feel rested after two hours of sleep or have no physical desire to sleep.

3. Excessive talking

Bipolar disorder causes rapid talking that’s almost impossible to interrupt. The person will incessantly talk over others.

4. Racing thoughts

A person with bipolar disorder will jump from idea to idea or topic to topic. It appears their mind is going in a million different directions simultaneously and can become easily distracted. It seems impossible to slow down the racing thoughts.

5. Impulse activities

A manic episode will bring impulses from going out on a shopping spree to engaging in a sexual activity that’s not consistent with who the person is.

These behaviors often seem great in the moment, but quickly take over and become unmanageable.

The Subtypes of Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar I experiences the maximum highs, but Bipolar II experiences only a “hypomania.” The moods aren’t as elevated, and the minimum length of an episode to qualify is four days rather than a week.

People experiencing hypomania can usually stick to their normal routines but with more of an emphasis on focused energy. With Bipolar I you may have only experienced the highs, but with Bipolar II it’s implied that you have experienced a major depressive state.

Cyclothymia is a more mild combination of hypomania with some depression. Your elevated mood might be more enjoyable because it’s not turning into destructive behaviors and your depression still allows you to function in day-to-day activities. It’s normally less intense than bipolar disorder but can still cause emotional distress over time.

What Are the Treatment Options For Bipolar Disorder?

Usually, treatment involves a combination of therapy and medication to target the problematic experiences. Some medications, such as antidepressants, can make mania worse. An antidepressant coupled with a mood stabilizer can help create stability and even out emotions.

Therapy complements the prescribed medication. Bipolar disorder doesn’t go away completely, but talking through bipolar disorder with a therapist can help to sharpen coping skills and teach you the tools to use when you sense an episode coming.  Family-focused therapy can be helpful to allow those closest to you learn about bipolar disorder and how to best support you. Incorporating your family in your journey can empower those around you to help you cope with the bipolar episode.

Don’t self-diagnose over the internet. If you found yourself nodding along to any of these signs, please make an appointment with Christian Counseling Newport Beach to discuss your symptoms with a  therapist who is qualified to diagnose disorders. Living with bipolar disorder can be confusing and frightening, but by following a tailored treatment plan you can move forward, feeling more confident in your ability to manage the disorder.

Photos
“Upset,” courtesy of Ben White, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Concerned,” courtesy of Rahul Anil, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Feeling Down,” courtesy of Patrick Denker, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0); “Beach Run,” courtesy of Jacob Miller, unsplash.com, CC0 License

9 Signs of Sexual Abuse in Children to Watch Out For

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It’s been a watershed season of exposing men and women who committed sexual assault and harassment. Businesses are taking legal actions to terminate employees or pull contracts indefinitely.  If the #Metoo movement teaches us anything, it’s that sexual assault and abuse is often silenced and that there’s strength in numbers.

Parents never want to hear these heartbreaking words uttered from their child’s mouth, “I’ve been sexually abused.” Children are often under the care of other adults at school, church, a friend’s sleepover and even under their own roof.  In these seemingly harmless settings, horrendous acts are carried out.

9 Signs of Sexual Abuse in Children to Watch Out For

Parents must be vigilant to monitor who their children interact with on a daily basis. Because sexual abuse is often a confusing and paralyzing experience, children may not verbally express what’s happening to them. But if a child is being abused, it’s likely you will see the following signs.

1. Increased Fear and Anxiety

Fear is one of the biggest hallmarks of a child who has suffered abuse. Children can become hypervigilant, constantly on the alert.  You may see mounting fear and anxiety as the specific time of day approaches when the abuse normally occurs or if you mention inviting the abuser over.

2. PTSD Symptoms

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is not only reserved for military veterans returning from combat overseas. The same symptoms are present in children who have suffered abuse. Panic attacks occur when certain “triggers” bring feelings of immediate stress.

Triggers could be a certain smell like the cologne the abuser wears, people who sound like the abuser, or certain sights that bring flashbacks. Another form of PTSD in children is having disturbing dreams or problems getting a good night’s sleep. Nightmares become prevalent and memories of the trauma can disrupt their concentration at school.

3. Mood Changes

Unreasonable crying or sudden excessive crying that wasn’t present before are expressions of children suffering from abuse.  On the other end of the spectrum, children can have angry outbursts and get frustrated easily spouting out hurtful words to those around them.They might withdraw from adults in the belief that every person wants to harm them or they may become hostile toward those in authority who neglected to protect them.

Because these times of abuse were often out of their control, they will grow up wanting to control everything in their lives. Eventually, children numb their feelings and become detached and emotionally absent. They self-protect by creating an impenetrable wall around their hearts.

A point can even be reached where they disassociate from the abuse altogether by either diminishing the effects of the abuse in their lives or never admitting that the abuse happened to them. Children who experienced sexual abuse are more likely to grow up into teenagers who contemplate suicide, have self-inflicted wounds, and show signs of depression.

4. Guilt and Shame

Children find ways to blame themselves for the abuse. Guilty thoughts invade their minds like, “I should have said something to someone else,” or, “I was aroused so does that mean I wasn’t abused?”

The abuser often reinforces this message telling the child that somehow the child made the abuser touch them. It’s a tug-of-war in the mind for children in this situation. They know something feels wrong, but the mixed messages, instilled fear, and false responsibility can create turmoil in their minds.

5. Fear of Intimacy and Closeness

Intimate relationships can be a challenge after enduring abuse. Although children may still embody an outgoing personality, they learn how to keep people at arm’s length to prevent further harm. Physical contact, which is often terrifying, may cause them to lash out at someone who innocently tries to give a hug.

Other children become overly clingy needing constant physical and verbal affection. Children that have experienced abuse find it hard to know the difference between appropriate displays of physical affection and inappropriate sexual touch.

6. Sexuality

Sexually abused children usually grow up not wanting to have sex at all or view having sex with multiple people as the only way to receive touch and attention. This ends up creating a bigger web of pain in their lives.

Children who have been hypersexualized from assault may make sexual comments to other students or have an advanced knowledge about sex. Of course, in today’s world children are often exposed to movies that are not age-appropriate and they pick up the terminology.  But if a five-year-old girl can describe certain adult acts in detail, this should set off alarms.

Some children who have been abused by someone of the same gender end up confused about their sexual orientation. Due to confusing (maybe even somewhat pleasurable) physiological responses related to their abuse, they may silently wonder whether or not they are actually gay.

Some people may try to reduce their distinctive gender features by cutting their hair, hiding their breasts, eating more food to gain weight and becoming unattractive, or neglecting basic hygiene routines in order to repel people.

7. Alarming Forms of Creative Expression

Children love to play. It’s a normal part of childhood. However, if the dolls are not just playing mommy and daddy, but participating in strictly mommy and daddy activities it is a glaring red flag.

Often creative expression becomes a safe outlet for children to be honest without verbally admitting to the pain forced upon them. Journal writing, social media posts, poems, and pictures can all tell a story that’s been silenced inside. Today, teenagers swarm to social media to share their fight with depression or struggle with suicidal thoughts.

8. Not Behaving Appropriately for Their Age

Of course, some little girls want to imitate their moms by dabbing on some lipstick or painting their cheeks with blush when they see their moms getting ready for the day. Wearing more revealing clothing or always wanting to put on perfume, makeup and doing their hair could possibly point to past abuse.

Some older children will revert to their younger behaviors like wetting the bed or sucking their thumb. These aren’t always signs of trauma, but these signs merging with some of the others mentioned here are good indicators of abuse.

If you hear of older friends being mentioned frequently begin to investigate. Yes, there are good mentors and influences out there, but someone showing an unhealthy amount of attention toward your underage child requires some additional attention from you. Normally, children form friendships with kids around their same age.

9. Turning to Alcohol and Drugs

Alcohol can be used to not only numb pain from the past but make someone feel alive at the same time. Drugs and alcohol are a way to cope with the suppressed feelings and distressing thoughts. Drug and alcohol use can be a common coping mechanism for those who have experienced trauma in order to deal with disturbing thoughts.

If you are seeing unusual signs like these in the children around you, don’t ignore it – report it. Call your local CPS Office or the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD.

Finding a Place of Healing

Christian counseling Newport Beach is just one way to begin a journey of healing and freedom. The Lord comes to heal the brokenhearted and to bind up our wounds (Psalm 147:3). If child abuse is a part of your story, Christian counseling Newport Beach offers a safe place to experience wholeness. Freedom is found by bringing things in the darkness into the light. Will you let someone help you today?

Photos
“Child of Light,” courtesy of Matheus Bertelli, pexels.com, CC0 License; “Silent,” courtesy of Kat Smith, pexels.com, CC0 License; “Wounded,” courtesy of Min An, pexels.com, CC0 License; “Play time,” courtesy of pixabay.com, pixels.com, CC0 License 

What is Chemical Dependency, Anyway? A Closer Look

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Among lower income and homeless populations, easy access to drugs fuels the addiction crisis. For some, addiction to prescription pain relievers eventually leads to heroin use once the habit is no longer financially sustainable. Every day increasing numbers of addicts die from an overdose, but the chemical dependency epidemic cannot be blamed exclusively on easy access.

Alcohol abuse has often been seen as a separate, distinct problem from chemical dependency. While different chemicals do indeed affect the body uniquely, substance abuse of any kind – alcohol, narcotics or opiates – results from a psychosocial dynamic that is no respecter of substance. Because of this common framework, alcoholism cannot be segregated from other chemical addictions.

Drug and alcohol abuse typically stem from a person’s desire to cope with pain when healthy and adaptive coping skills are insufficient. The difference between alcohol and other chemical dependencies is not so much about what prompts the dependency but about how easily accessible the substance of choice is. Because alcohol is legal to purchase, it is not only readily available but is also more socially acceptable as well. Addiction to street drugs, on the other hand, requires a person to circumvent the law, which makes the addiction more costly and recovery more problematic.

Defining Chemical Dependency

What exactly is chemical dependency? It is difficult to define without acknowledging the many opinions that have informed our discussion of addictions over the years. An organic definition of dependency, for example, looks at the chemical composition of a substance (i.e. the “hook”) that makes addiction highly probable.

A moral definition of addiction considers one’s spiritual disposition (i.e. – lack of faith) as a leading contributor. A biological definition provides yet another vantage point in which a person’s brain is implicated as having an addictive bent (i.e. – an addictive personality). With all these differing perspectives, how does one arrive at the truth? There are a few things that we do know about chemical dependency.

Scientists and researchers inform us that addictions are hereditary. Does heredity point to a genetic predisposition toward chemical dependency, or does it imply that a family’s environment cultivates addictive tendencies through a culture of addiction that passes down to the next generation?

It is known that substances have a withdrawal component which strengthens the organic or biological argument. From a moral standpoint, the Bible forbids drunkenness and encourages Christians to be empowered by the Holy Spirit rather than intoxicated by wine. The theory that substances contain a “chemical hook”, however, proves rather outdated.

Johann Hari exposes this outdated theory in a powerful TED Talk entitled, “Everything You Think You Know about Addiction is Wrong”. I strongly recommend that you watch his presentation, or at least watch the condensed, animated version entitled “Addiction,” created by Kurzgesagt (translated, means “in a nutshell”).

The chemical hook theory arose from a study involving rats that were offered both water and heroin-laced water. The experiment showed that the rats overwhelmingly chose the heroin water over the regular water and showed signs of addiction. This finding was then generalized to human populations, despite later experiments that yielded very different results.

In one such subsequent experiment, the rats were still offered both water and heroin-laced water, but the conditions of their confinement were altered. Instead of a sparse cage, the rats were enclosed in a stimulating environment with other rats. This time, the rats did not show a preference for the heroin water.

It would be unethical to replicate this experiment with human subjects, but a look at the Vietnam War offers some insight into how humans might respond in kind. During the war, heroin use was prolific among soldiers with few other options for recreation or diversion. There was a fear that, when they returned home, their recreational drug use would have become a full-fledged addiction. On the contrary, most soldiers were able to give up heroin upon return to their families and civilian life.

Hari points out the discrepancy in the hook theory given the results of both the rat experiments and the Vietnam War example. When one’s environment is taken into account, addiction is seen in a different light. Difficult and hopeless surroundings (i.e. the sparse cage or the battlefield) provide the context within which drugs become a viable escape. In fulfilling and hopeful environments, however, drug abuse makes little sense.

The implications seem clear, but how can they be integrated into our thinking about and treatment of substance abuse disorders? While addiction cannot be oversimplified, one of the often overlooked components in treatment is an individual’s social context.

Professionals must consider a client’s environment when treating chemical dependency. Advocacy becomes a vital role for the clinician in helping identify support systems for their clients as well as encouraging vocational, volunteer, and recreational interests. When recovering addicts can find fulfillment and purpose in their lives, the draw toward substance use weakens.

One former addict stated that he “wanted to have a life worth being sober for.” When it’s all said and done, having a life full of meaning and purpose provides the best alternative to substance abuse as well as other non-substance related escapes. Whether an individual is battling a substance abuse issue or addiction to pornography or food, therapy aims to explore the pain that is being numbed and examine the context in which the coping mechanism became an addiction.

Christian Counseling Newport Beach desire is to come alongside those who are struggling with chemical dependency and work with them to achieve sobriety and to create a life worth staying sober for. These goals can be achieved one small step at a time with the strength that God gives and the encouragement of your support system.

Photos
“Walking Home,” courtesy of Jesus Rodriguez, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “City girl,” courtesy of George Gvasalia, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Take a sip,” courtesy of Tanja Heffner, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Field,” courtesy of Karl Fredrickson, unsplash.com, CC0 License 

Rediscovering God’s View of Marriage

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In society today, we’re bombarded by various opinions, agendas, and worldviews. We’re constantly fed messages by social media, politics, the news, and the neighbors next door. Sometimes in the midst of the many voices, we lose sight of truth. Let’s take a few moments to get back to the basics, particularly pertaining to God’s view of marriage.

What Does the Bible Say About God’s View of Marriage?

In Mark 10:8, we read that a marriage means that two people have become united as one flesh. So in a Christian marriage, does this mean the spouses do not retain individual identities? Does the Creator of the universe ask us to sacrifice our individuality when we take our marriage vows?

The short answer is “no.” Marriages do not flourish when spouses become so enmeshed that their individual personalities are lost. Each one of us is a unique person with our own goals and desires and that doesn’t change we get married.

A healthy marriage requires two partners who experience personal growth along their growth as a couple in intimacy and love. This is a difficult task and requires a careful balance. There has to be individual development along with an increasing bond with one’s spouse.

Do we see this tension in Scripture? Let’s look at Paul’s metaphor of the body and apply it to the unity of a Christian marriage. In 1 Corinthians, Paul describes the fellowship of believers functioning together as one body made up of many individuals. A body made up of only one member, like a foot, wouldn’t function effectively.

Rather, the entire body must work in sync and each part has to have its own purpose and identity (1 Cor. 12:12-31). The body of Christ is made up of all of these different parts working together towards the same goal.

Differentiation and Christian Marriage

We can apply this principle not only to a church community but also to a married couple. This will help us understand Jesus’ teaching that “two become one” in the covenant of marriage. I believe this means that by cultivating intimacy with our spouse, we became more fully united to them, as opposed to being “blended” with them. The most fruitful, godly marriages are made up of two people who are committed to personal growth and growth as a couple.

In his marital help book Passionate Marriage, Dr. David Schnarch describes this process as differentiation. Differentiation is the process of becoming yourself more fully as you engage in relationships with others, and particularly with your spouse.

Differentiation is the balance between the drive for personal growth and the desire to fellowship with others (55). This process should not make anyone into a loner. Instead, it makes our emotional bonds deeper and helps us develop holistically and healthily as individuals. It gives us an integrated “self-in-relation” that is unaffected by our circumstances.

Ultimately, differentiation allows us to grind off our “rough edges” and be ourselves more fully while we learn to love our spouse more (51).

Schnarch also describes the background of the word differentiation. It’s rooted in biology and refers to the process by which cells develop. All living cells originate from the same matter. As time passes, the cells differentiate—meaning, they take on their own individual properties. At this point, each cell “performs separate but related functions.”

Does this remind you of how Paul describes the body in 1 Corinthians? Schnarch adds: “The greater the differentiation, the more sophisticated and adaptive the life form” (62)—in other words, the more well-differentiated a life form is, the more it can adjust to challenging circumstances.

In the same way, people who are well-differentiated are secure in their personal identity, instead of relying on others to define them. When they are in a relationship, well-differentiated people can navigate conflict effectively because they have a grounded sense of self (55).

On the other hand, people who lack differentiation draw their sense of identity from those around them. They require validation from others in order to feel at peace with themselves. This is called developing a “contingent identity” (59).

People who have formed a contingent attachment lose their sense of self apart from their relationships. This causes them to have a great fear of changes in their relationship or in their partner’s emotions or moods.

How Christian Marriage Counseling Can Help You Differentiate

Differentiation is not a destination that can be reached overnight. Instead, it’s a journey toward a healthy sense of self, both individually and in relation to others. It’s a difficult process that requires a lot of work, including some decisions that may be uncomfortable.

This isn’t the easiest way to work on your marriage, but it is incredibly fruitful and will enable you to enjoy a much more fulfilling relationship with your spouse.

Becoming well-differentiated is a nuanced process, which means that it involves subtle complexities that can be confusing. How can you grow as a person and bond with your spouse at the same time? How can you develop a more grounded sense of self while still being “one flesh” in your marriage?

These questions are complicated, and there are no one-size-fits-all answers. If you think you need to work on this process in your marriage, a Christian counselor Newport Beach can help you wade through some of the complexities.

Whether you are just starting out or have been married for years, a qualified Christian counselor can provide you with the guidance and support you are seeking. Please do not hesitate to contact us for more information about setting up an appointment with one of our marriage specialists.

Photos
“Out for a Walk,” courtesy of Vladimir Kudinov, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Reconciled,” courtesy of Priscilla du Preez, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Committed,” courtesy of freestocks.org, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Field gazing,” courtesy of unsplash.com, pexels.com, CC0 License 

What are the Symptoms of Depression? Find Out Here

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“Am I depressed?”

This question comes up a lot in conversation nowadays, even when speaking casually. It’s part of our cultural language.

“That’s really depressing!” “Wow, I’m so depressed about this.” Being in a state of depression seems almost normal. The word is used in everyday conversations and is in some ways an expected part of life. On television, depression is shown as an expected occurrence after a breakup, trauma, or even as a joke or on cartoons.

As an example, consider one of your favorite TV show characters who you think of as being depressed. What about their behavior points to depression? Are they truly experiencing depression, or is it just sadness inherent to being human? Is their emotional state caused by circumstances or who they are on the inside?

The answer completely depends on the individual. Some people suffer from depression that was passed down genetically with a strong biological component, while for other people a specific situation or a crisis experience in their lives can suddenly bring on depressive symptoms.

The common experience of sadness may resemble depression without meeting clinical criteria for the mental illness. Sadness can also stem from other kinds of disorders. For this reason, it’s best not to jump to the conclusion that your condition is depression; it could have any number of causes.

Even though the word depression is often thrown around, many are still wondering, “What are the symptoms of depression?” Sometimes the condition is obvious, and other times it’s not. True depression is an overwhelming sense of sadness, but not every depressed person will manifest identical symptoms.

It has been estimated 6.7% of adults suffer from depression (National Institute of Mental Health [NIMH], 2015). The most common groups affected are women and young adults between 18 and 25 years old (NIMH, 2015). Although depression is found in all ethnicities, its prevalence varies by race. Onset is typically found in the early thirties (Anxiety and Depression Association of America [ADAA], 2016).

Again, depression will manifest differently based on the individual, and its presentation can be very nuanced. It does not discriminate based on age, socioeconomic status, or level of education, and it can even change based on what season of the year it is.

Demographics don’t limit the prevalence of depression.  It is a widespread issue that affects the mental health of millions of people; and at the same time, it can be hard to diagnose properly. If you believe you might have depression, you should seek the advice of a doctor to rule out any physical causes that may need medical care. Once other causes have been ruled out, many physicians will give you a referral to a mental health professional so you can seek a diagnosis and treatment plan.

Getting a specific diagnosis requires that you be assessed by a professional. But here are some of the most common indicators of depression; these can help you assess your current state.

What are the Symptoms of Depression?

Emotional Changes

Emotions are one of the first factors to be affected by depression. You may experience sudden and unexpected mood swings, or your typical emotional fluctuations may become more intense and frequent. These can include feelings of irritability, anger, restlessness, or tension.

Guilt is another common emotion connected to depression; you may think about past events or current issues and feel overcome with shame. You may feel suddenly consumed by thoughts about death, and you might feel overwhelmed by hopelessness or a sense of personal worthlessness.

Crying more than usual is another symptom, even when things appear outwardly fine. Taken together, symptoms like these can be very alarming and upsetting, and you might feel out of control and overwhelmed. Anxiety is often closely connected to depression.

These are common thoughts you might have:

“My family would be better off without me.”

“Things will never improve.”

“It’s all my fault.”

Apathy

People suffering from depression often experience a lack of interest in things they usually enjoy. This can show itself either through lessened enthusiasm or a complete absence of motivation to engage in things that typically interest you. A project you’ve wanted to start for months suddenly feels like it takes too much energy. The Friday night plans you looked forward to all week just don’t sound very enticing. You know there are changes you need to make in your life, but the motivation just isn’t there.

As for setting goals and reaching new milestones, it’s not even on your radar right now. Everyday life itself seems like too much work. It’s hard to concentrate on getting the necessities accomplished, much less on enjoying exciting activities. You might end up staying home a lot, lacking the desire or capacity to even go grocery shopping.

You might feel stressed by the thought of new experiences you would usually enjoy. Many people lose interest in their romantic relationships and experience a loss of libido. Guilt can wrap itself around your thoughts until you feel like a waste of time for your partner, or perhaps you just feel too exhausted and despondent to make an effort in your relationship. Everyday life seems excruciatingly difficult, and you just don’t want to try anymore.

Things you might notice yourself saying:

“I realize that Thursday night is basketball night, but I just can’t manage it this week.”

“Can we go out to dinner another night? I’m just not in the mood right now.”

“I’m usually so good at keeping up with my work, but right now I just can’t and what’s worse, I don’t even think I care.”

Weight Changes

Sudden changes in weight are another red flag for depression. Stress often causes a change in appetite, whether that means eating more or less. Some people feel like they have to force themselves to eat. Depression causes a similar physical response in that it may either dramatically increase or decrease your appetite, ultimately leading to changes in your weight. Ongoing depression often makes it difficult to maintain a healthy weight.

Things you might notice yourself saying:

“I just haven’t been hungry this week.”

“Crying makes me hungry and when I eat I feel better.”

“My weight is sitting next to my emotions on a rollercoaster.”

Sleep Changes

Sleep is integrally connected to our wellbeing and is usually affected in some way by depression. Insomnia can haunt your nights, making it difficult to fall and stay asleep. Your mind may feel blank or it may feel overwhelmed with thoughts that don’t stop. Your sleep might be restless and interrupted by frequent wakings. This can cause intense frustration and the need for daytime naps, creating a vicious cycle where falling asleep at night becomes even more difficult.

A general lack of energy and motivation can also lead to a constant sense of sleepiness. You may feel exhausted all the time, even if you’re plagued by insomnia. On the other hand, you may sink into a state of such drowsiness that you sleep far too much. This is called hypersomnolence and leads to feeling tired all day.

Depressed individuals may experience a variety of abnormal sleep patterns while they suffer from this condition.

Things you might notice yourself saying:

“It has been the weirdest thing. I’ve been sleeping 10-12 hours a night and I still wake up sleepy!”

“I’m up all night. I don’t know what’s waking me up, but I keep finding myself awake for random hours during the night.”

“I just can’t fall asleep. I feel numb. I’m exhausted, but I can’t seem to fall asleep.”

Physical Changes

Since our minds and bodies are inextricably interconnected, signs of mental illness will often display themselves physically. Health changes may occur. The way you perceive yourself and your physical health may change. Your cognitive abilities may suffer. People with depression often experience headaches, stomach pain, and digestive problems. Jaw clenching and hand-wringing can cause chronic pain.

Some individuals with depression suffer from chronic health conditions or pain, which makes their mental state worse. On the flip side, depression can contribute to a physical environment that makes chronic illness more likely. People with depression often feel that they just process things more slowly, whether that’s in movement, speech, or thinking. Memory can be affected as well.

Things you might notice yourself saying:

“I just feel like staying in all the time. These headaches seem constant in the last month or so.”

“I feel like I just can’t pick up speed lately. I’m just not my usual self.”

“I keep needing to stay home from work with stomach cramps. I just can’t make myself go in like this.”

Christian Counseling Can Help Depression Sufferers

Depression is a pervasive mental illness, and it’s being diagnosed more frequently each year, but many people with depressive symptoms are never diagnosed, and many never seek treatment of any kind.

There is hope. If you feel that you’re exhibiting some or all of these signs of depression, it’s vital to seek treatment and discover the underlying cause. There are a variety of issues that can cause these symptoms, and it’s important to explore what’s going on.

Our counselors in Newport Beach often work with clients who are experiencing depression. We look forward to meeting with you to help you work on regaining your everyday functioning and enjoying your life again.

References

Anxiety and Depression Association of America (2016). Facts and statistics. Retrieved from https://www.adaa.org/about-adaa/press-room/facts-statistics

National Institute of Mental Health (2015). Major depression among adults. Retrieved from https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/prevalence/major-depression-among-adults.shtml

Photos

“Be Still and Know,” courtesy of Chad Madden, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Down,” courtesy of Max Sandelin, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Think,” courtesy of Priscilla du Preez, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Alone,” courtesy of Mike Wilson, unsplash.com, CC0 License