Married Life: The Mystery, the Magic, and the Mundane

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“He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord,” says Proverbs 18:22. Married life is a joy and a blessing. Sharing that most intimate of human relationships is indeed finding what is good and receiving favor from the Lord. As humans, we are wired to relate to others, including in the context of a marriage.

When God created us, we were fashioned in God’s image: “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27). God, who is eternally Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, is deeply and inextricably relational.

As creatures made in God’s image, we reflect that in our nature. No wonder we gravitate toward relationships with other people, and we continue to desire relationships such as marriage. Newport Beach Christian Counseling supports this innate longing by guiding individuals toward fulfilling and faith-centered relationships.

If the story ended where we left off, there wouldn’t be a need to go on any further. The reality is that people don’t get married in the context of Genesis 1 and 2. Married life is now more complicated than that. Ever after Adam and Eve and their rebellion, all marriage happens in the context and shadow of Genesis 3.

Adam went from calling Eve, his beloved (“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” – Genesis 2:23) to blaming her for his disobedience of God’s command (“The woman you put here with me – she gave me some of the fruit from the tree, and I ate it” – Genesis 3:12).

Humanity moved from loving adoration to shifting blame onto the other, from being both “naked and unashamed” (Genesis 2:25) to covering our nakedness and hiding from one another and God. Instead of mutual care and self-giving, there is now selfishness, inordinate desire and seeking dominance over the other (Genesis 3:16). Something entered our lives and has complicated this beautiful relationship given to us by God.

Even though people get married in the shadow and wake of Genesis 3, the opening verse quoted from Proverbs still holds true. Finding a marriage partner is finding a good thing.

Reflecting on marriage while writing to the Christians in Ephesus, the apostle Paul recalls what was said in Genesis 2 and reminds them that when two people get married, something monumental takes place – the two become one flesh. But then he drops the bombshell that human marriage is an echo of the relationship that Jesus has with his people. This is a “profound mystery”, he writes (Ephesians 5:32).

As such, marriage is this weird mix of the magical, the mysterious and the mundane. The ups and downs of life touch married people in the same way as anyone else under the sun. Issues of loneliness, anger, fear, discontent, and anxiety beset the married in common with everyone else.

While being “magical” in the sense of being enjoyable, there is nothing magical about being married in the sense that it doesn’t insulate you from real life. While being special and a source of great joy, marriage, and married life is not a fairytale. Sometimes, especially for those with an idealized picture of marriage, this may come as a disappointment.

What is married life like?

It is good

As we pointed out above, marriage is still a good gift from God, even amid hearts and a world gone wrong. It is a blessings having someone to share life with, to pick their brain before making a decision, to be deeply intimate with them (emotionally and physically), a partner with whom to laugh and meet the challenges that come to us all – sickness, the loss of loved ones, losing a job, moving house and so much more.

“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17). Presumably, the point also applies when a couple lives together – they sharpen one another by giving each other wisdom and guidance to live life well.

Ecclesiastes also makes this observation about human life: “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion” (Eccl. 4:9-10). The next verse then goes on to say, “Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone?” (Eccl. 4:11).

This was written before the advent of the electric blanket, but the point is well-taken. Having someone to share life and a bed with is pleasant. Many married couples can attest to the joy of having someone to pre-warm the bed and snuggle up to, and how the input of their partner has helped them to make a better life and business decisions.

It can be mundane

As author Mike Mason put it in his book The Mystery of Marriage, while marriage is a brilliant gift, a miracle even, it is also “full of awkwardness and indelicacy, as unromantic at times as a sinkful of dirty dishes”. Laundry and dirty dishes aren’t a myth for married folk, but an everyday reality.

The trash needs taking out; groceries need to be bought and put away; lawns need mowing, snow-laden driveways need shoveling; and if kids are part of the picture, snotty noses and dirty diapers are par for the course.

All of this can be very unromantic, but there is a beauty in the mundane that can still be celebrated. It is in these small, everyday moments when we can serve the other person, and see some of their best qualities emerging.

Forgiveness is required

Being close to someone else means that they get to see you as you are, the beautiful and the ugly. They are exposed to not only your frailties and inconsistencies but also your humor, generosity of spirit and much more. The weaknesses will often have to be forgiven.

The kindness and consideration that married couples show one another is a lifeline and the lifeblood of a good marriage. Without it, the constant drip-drip-drip of irritations with one another will build up until it’s unbearable. “Be kind and compassionate, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

A Christian marriage, that is, a marriage in which both parties know and serve the Lord, is one in which grace flows from one partner to the other and vice versa, and in which there is an open-eyed understanding that there are two sinners in the relationship. No one person is to blame for the issues in the relationship, and both parties must learn to walk in humility with each other.

Growing together as a married couple

One thing is sure when it comes to life – people don’t stay the same. Yes, there is a sense in which people remain who they are through the years. However, we go through different phases in life, and we experience things that can change our opinion on matters.

The birth of children can change our priorities; the loss of a job can drastically change how you perceive yourself; meeting new people or reading new books can shift our views on politics or other areas of life. In all this, rather than growing apart, a couple can share in one another’s journey so they grow together.

The importance of date night, among other things, is to continue sharing life together and stay on the same page. Life can get hectic, sometimes to the point that a couple becomes like ships in the night – mere roommates and not life partners. Date night helps a couple to touch base regularly.

Ask one another questions about your interests,  what’s occupying your headspace; what your dreams, hopes, fears and so on are. In this way, you know what your partner is dealing with, and how best to be supporting them in this season.

Contrary to popular culture (especially idealized portraits of relationships in movies and songs), a good marriage takes work. We know that we are living in the post-Genesis 3 situation, and so this doesn’t come as a surprise to us.

Christian couples counseling

Our marriages need strengthening and for us to grow in listening, handling conflict, and hardship constructively. Couples counseling is a great way to continue this growth and address any underlying unaddressed issues so that your marriage flourishes. Whether you are encountering persistent difficulties within your marriage or simply want to continue on the path toward a flourishing marriage, prayerfully consider couples counseling with your spouse. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers guidance and support to help couples navigate these challenges with faith-based wisdom.

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Exploring Personality Disorders from a Christian Perspective

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Personality disorders are some of the most misunderstood mental health problems that a person can face. Not only is there a stigma to be faced from the general public, but from the psychiatric community as well.

Although attitudes are slowly changing, it has not been that long since newly qualified counselors and psychiatrists were being advised to stay away from people with personality disorders, especially borderline personality disorder (BPD).

An Overview of Personality Disorders

The most recent edition of the Diagnostical and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) considers personality disorders to be:

“enduring patterns of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about the environment and oneself that are exhibited in a wide range of social and personal contexts,” and “are inflexible and maladaptive, and cause significant functional impairment or subjective distress.”

Personality disorders cause a range of symptoms that affect a person’s ability to function in their daily life and, contrary to popular opinion, people with personality disorders aren’t being difficult on purpose. A personality disorder isn’t something that a person chooses or decides to have.

There are ten different personality disorders and while their symptoms differ in many ways, there are some symptoms that seem to affect most people with personality disorders to some extent. These include:

  • Mood swings
  • Angry outbursts
  • Poor impulse control
  • Difficulty forming and maintaining friendships
  • Addiction

Up to ten percent of Americans have a personality disorder so these disorders aren’t rare. In fact, if you have 100 people in your church, statistically, ten of those people will have a personality disorder.

Types of Personality Disorders

There are generally three clusters of personality disorders (as described by DSM-5). These are:
Cluster A (odd or eccentric disorders)

  • Paranoid (irrational suspicions and mistrust)
  • Schizoid (lack of interest in social relationships)
  • Schizotypal (odd behavior or thinking)

Cluster B (dramatic, emotional or erratic disorders)

  • Antisocial (lack of empathy and a pattern of criminal activity)
  • Borderline (impulsivity, black and white thinking, self-harm, manipulation)
  • Histrionic (exaggerated emotions, inappropriate behavior)
  • Narcissistic (high levels of jealousy and arrogance, grandiose behavior)

Cluster C (anxious or fearful disorders)

  • Avoidant (social avoidance, social inadequacy)
  • Dependent (psychologically dependent on others)
  • Obsessive-compulsive (rigid conformity to rules, obsessing over details)

Personality disorders are clustered in these ways because there are common traits that people with personality disorders in the same cluster experience. For example:

  • people with personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder (cluster B) may seem to be highly-emotional and attention-seeking,
  • people with paranoid personality disorder or schizotypal personality disorder (cluster A) can bedescribed as suspicious, withdrawn and irrational.

Causes of Personality Disorders

Research has demonstrated that although there may be some genetic predisposition towards developing a personality disorder, in most cases the biggest cause of personality disorders is severe suffering. This may include traumatic experiences, abuse or neglect and in most cases, this is experienced during childhood, when the personality is still developing.

Does the Bible Talk About Personality Disorders?

Since personality disorders weren’t properly recognized until the twentieth century, it may seem impossible for the Bible to contain references to, or mention characters with them. However, Renewal Christian Treatment & Recovery has actually identified a couple of biblical characters who exhibit symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD) and antisocial personality disorder (ASPD).

Specifically, the “stubborn and rebellious son” in Deuteronomy 21:18 shows signs of having ASPD, and Gomer in the book of Hosea exhibits symptoms of BPD.

However, the Association of Biblical Counselors describes personality disorders from a biblical perspective:

The so-called “Personality Disorders” (i.e. paranoid, narcissistic, etc.) are simply descriptions of long-term behavioral, emotional, interpersonal, and thought patterns developed by an individual over a period of time. The Bible clearly articulates the influence of depravity and sin on a person’s behavior, thinking, and feeling. Therefore the influence of the “law of sin” must be a focal point for individuals citing these labels (Eph. 2:3). Following the flesh always leads to further corruption, death, and darkness (Eph. 4:22-24, Rom. 8:5).

Hope for Healing

Dr. David Powlison, of the Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation (CCEF), points out that while psychiatry often considers severe personality disorders like borderline personality disorder (BPD) to be virtually untreatable, Christian counselors have a different perspective. Secular therapists may give up on clients with BPD, but Christian counselors can lead people with personality disorders to a deeper relationship with Jesus.

The solution for so-called untreatable personality disorders is to bring Christ to the center, as Powlison explains:

“The people who get this label [Borderline Personality Disorder] are really stuck. These are deep, deep weeds to live your life in. You can also see that the solution, in Christ, (can and does, when genuine) cuts as deep as the problem. Because in BPD you are the center of a world that is wholly misshapen. When Christ becomes the center, the world starts to take on a completely different shape.”

Christian counseling offers a kind of hope for people with personality disorders that secular counseling fails to provide. Where secular counseling regards personality disorders as a fixed problem that can’t be changed, in Christian counseling there’s recognition of the inexplicable power of Christ to completely transform lives.

A Biblical Counseling Approach

Let’s look at a personality disorder from each of the three clusters but from a biblical counseling perspective.

Schizoid Personality Disorder

In psychiatric terms (DSM-5), those suffering from Schizoid Personality Disorder are reclusive, unsociable, loners who find relationships with other people almost impossible. From a biblical perspective, however, at the heart of schizoid personality disorder is self-absorption.

In other words, a person with schizoid personality disorder has made an idol out of themselves and everything in their world centers on themselves. They are cold and unsociable because other people do not matter to them.

This kind of personality disorder can be a challenge even for experienced Christian counselors because there needs to be a radical change in the way that the person thinks and behaves. For a long-lasting change, the sufferer needs to choose to love God more than himself and serve others as Jesus did.

Borderline Personality Disorder

Perhaps one of the most commonly-known personality disorders, Borderline Personality Disorder causes people to feel empty, experience rapid mood swings, and exhibit extremely disordered patterns of attachment. Suicidal threats are frequent, although only 10% of people with BPD will complete suicide.

In biblical terms, a person with BPD has a self-seeking way of life, is prideful, depends on other people instead of on God, and has a sinful view that other people should rearrange their lives to meet the BPD-sufferer’s needs.

In this case, the root issue is that the person with BPD’s identity revolves around their disorder. Therefore, the goal must be to put off this identity and put on their identity in Christ:

Throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy. – Ephesians 4:22-24

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder

It’s important to recognize that Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder is NOT the same as obsessive-compulsive disorder. People with an obsessive-compulsive personality disorder tend to focus so much on details that they achieve very little, don’t have time for friends, and are very self-critical.

In biblical terms, an obsessive-compulsive personality disorder is a manifestation of ungodly fear. In Christian counseling, the goal is to change the focus from fear to God, as well as identifying sinful behavior that has resulted from ungodly fear.

Christian Counseling for Personality Disorders

While secular counseling is rarely successful in achieving lasting change, a biblical focus on changing patterns of thinking and behavior so that God is placed at the center of the person’s life is much more effective.

If someone that you care about is struggling with the symptoms of a personality disorder, Christian counseling can be the solution you’ve been searching for. Healing is possible when Jesus truly becomes the center of the world for people with personality disorders. Only He can break the patterns of destructive thoughts and behaviors at the heart of personality disorders.

Sources:

borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/a-most-misunderstood-illness

David Powlison, “What Hope of Healing Is There for Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder” ccef.org/resources/video/what-hope-healing-there-someone-borderline-personality-disorder

renewalchristiancare.com/2013/04/02/does-the-Bible-offer-a-treatment-for-personality-disorders/

Association of Biblical Counselors, “General Personality Disorder Criteria” christiancounseling.com/resources/general-personality-disorder-criteria/

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Relationship Advice for Men: How to Nurture Your Marriage and Avoid Adultery

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Marriage is a gift given to us by God. As James says in his letter, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” (James 1:17). Like all gifts, it is meant to be enjoyed, but unfortunately, it can also be taken for granted and not appreciated for its worth.

Marriage is the joining of two people into one flesh. “For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). This union is something that Paul called a “profound mystery” (Ephesians 5:32).

The sad reality is that there is such a thing as adultery, which ruptures relationships and causes pain for everyone involved, and it’s the one thing that’s an exception to the prohibition on getting divorced (Matthew 5:32).

Adultery violates the exclusivity of the marriage relationship and breaks the covenant between the two spouses and God. There are a variety of superficial reasons for marital unfaithfulness, including dissatisfaction, a lack of sex, or coldness, to name a few, and both men and women can commit adultery against their partners. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can provide support to men, helping them nurture their marriages, strengthen communication, and establish deeper emotional intimacy to guard against the temptation of adultery. Through counseling, couples can rebuild trust, grow closer, and honor their commitment to one another.

Relationship Advice for Men

Love and enjoy your wife

Throughout the Bible, many passages speak to husbands, telling them to love their wives. The most well-known of these is in Ephesians: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself…” (Ephesians 5:25, 33).

If the husband and his wife are now “one flesh,” as we pointed out earlier, it makes sense then, that for the man to love his wife is to love someone who has become part of himself. The letter to the Colossians says, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them” (Colossians 3:19).

Presumably, husbands being told to love their wives is something that needed to be said a few times. Loving your spouse means listening to them (really listening), being considerate of their needs, not keeping records of wrong, not being rude or self-seeking, seeking to protect and trust your spouse (1 Corinthians 13).

The Scriptures talk about enjoying one’s spouse. The Book of Proverbs puts it this way – “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer – may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.” (Proverbs 5:18-19). This short passage talks about rejoicing and being captivated by your wife.

This is something one must actively do. It doesn’t happen accidentally; it is a choice one must make daily. The “lover” in Song of Songs waxes lyrical, celebrating his beloved: “How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves.

Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead” (Song of Songs 4:1). And he goes on to talk about her teeth, her lips, her temples, her neck, and breasts. This is a man completely intoxicated by and besotted with his beloved. His attention is fixed on her, and no other.

Be wise – don’t look elsewhere

The flip side of this is when a husband’s attention and affections aren’t solely focused on his wife. In our internet age, this is all too common with porn and illicit chat rooms.

The verse we quoted earlier from Proverbs goes on: “Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers…Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man’s wife?” (Proverbs 5:15-17, 20).

Another passage warns “Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched? So is he who sleeps with another man’s wife” (Proverbs 6:27-29). Entering an intimate relationship with someone other than your wife can lead to tremendous pain for everyone involved; as alluring as it may seem, it’s just not worth it.

Infidelity isn’t just about sex, it can be about emotional connection too. Sometimes it may seem like someone at work is a better listener than your spouse, and you unburden your problems to her. That likely is crossing a boundary. It doesn’t have to become sexual before it becomes a problem.

How do you know your relationship with another woman is a problem? When you begin to hang out where you know you shouldn’t or send texts and messages you then proceed to hide from your wife or delete because you know the content is salacious or suggestive, there’s a problem. Deep emotional and physical bonds are meant to be forged with your spouse. Confide in a therapist, your pastor, or a relative, if speaking to your spouse about an issue is difficult.

In the book of wisdom called Proverbs, Wisdom is pictured as a woman who calls out in the street, urging people to heed her voice so they may live rich, full lives. Heed Wisdom’s call, and don’t be fooled – you’ll get burned if you seek emotional or physical succor elsewhere then your spouse.

“For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end, she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword” (Proverbs 5:3-4). Stolen kisses seem sweet, but there’s a price to pay. The detritus of such liaisons is often broken marriages, and children caught in the mess.

Mind who you hang with

Some friends. Are. The. Worst. They don’t encourage right behavior and instead enable their friend’s worst impulses. “Do not be misled,” Paul tells a young church, “Bad company corrupts good character” (1 Corinthians 15:33). Some friends won’t caution you when you’re going astray, nor will they invest in your marriage by encouraging you to be a better husband.

While such a move will likely be painful, for the sake of your marriage, the influence of such friends, which corrupts good morals, needs to dwindle. Rather, cultivate godly friendships that try to help you flourish in your marriage and other relationships.

The heart of the matter

The “lure” of other women starts in our own hearts and that’s where the issue of dissatisfaction must be addressed. In Matthew’s Gospel Jesus says, “…anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). The hard truth to confront is that temptation is not merely something out there, it’s something in us.

James puts it this way: “When tempted, no one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death” (James 1:13-15).

The hope we have is that “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it” (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Conclusion

By the grace of God, our mistakes are not etched in stone. Consulting with a Christian marriage counselor can help you open communication with your spouse, set boundaries with others, and nurture your marriage toward health. If you’re looking for additional relationship advice for men, feel free to contact me or one of the other counselors at Newport Beach Christian Counseling.

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Hope for Newlyweds: When the Honeymoon Phase Ends

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To be a newlywed is often referred to as “the honeymoon phase” of a relationship. It is often considered to last somewhere between six months and two years. It is a period where it feels like you are living in a romantic movie. It might feel like pure bliss, being head over heels in love, and seeing the other person as a dream too good to be true.

“To fully know and still fully love, is the primary aim of marriage.” – Fierce Marriage

The honeymoon period might mean constant togetherness, a high of physical intimacy, and make you wonder if your spouse could ever do wrong in your eyes. There might be a literal hormonal spike as you get married and experience the wedded bliss of waking up to the love of your life, spending every night together, and getting to be with them in the mundane moments.

You realize that your love does not always need the big production that dating involved. However, we cannot always put on our best self. Marriage brings out the raw and exposed parts that we try to hide when dating. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help couples navigate these challenges, offering support in strengthening communication, understanding, and emotional intimacy to foster a lasting and healthy relationship.

While the honeymoon period is a time where one should genuinely soak in the love and affection of your new spouse and engage in romantic gestures, reality soon sets in:

  • Couples might begin disagreeing over finances.
  • Jobs might become extremely stressful and eat away your free time.
  • You might start thinking about when to start a family and begin to have disagreements over your ideal timings.
  • There might be an overbearing mother-in-law that overwhelms the couple or brings about disagreements.
  • You might be trying to figure out a proper balance for working out, staying late after work to catch up on some projects, spending quality time together, and still trying to invest in the friendships outside of your relationship.

How to Move Forward After the Honeymoon Phase

There are several things to consider as you wonder why the honeymoon phase is ending and how to move forward in your relationship rather than wallow in defeat:

Realize you took an oath to put in the work.

You vowed to love one another through sickness and in health. For richer or for poorer. For better and for worse. You vowed to love one another when you wake up with morning breath, when one of you does not replenish the toilet paper in the bathroom, when you disagree over which side of the family you should visit at Christmas, and how to handle the order of priority in your finances. Marriage is working through disagreements, not running at the first sight of them.

“Great marriages don’t happen by luck or by accident. They are the result of a consistent investment of time, thoughtfulness, forgiveness, affection, prayer, mutual respect, and a rock-solid commitment between a husband and a wife.” – Dave Willis

I urge you to renew that vow mentally every single day. Vow to be there if your spouse has the flu and is begging for some warm soup. Vow to be there when your spouse feels defeated by a lack of work promotions. Vow to be there when your spouse loses their cool and begs for your forgiveness because their voice escalated, and frustration got the best of their tongue.

Vow to hold hands and wipe away each other’s tears when one or both of you experiences grief and loss.

Love is more than a grand romantic gesture or butterflies soaring in your stomach. It is choosing one another every single day, regardless of where life and circumstances take you.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins. – 1 Peter 4:8

Be willing to say and talk about the difficult things.

Once the honeymoon period comes to a halt, raw and vulnerable conversations need to be at the forefront of your marriage. To continue thriving in your relationship, you cannot stay dormant. You must keep looking forward, even when you are unsure of what forward looks like.

“Like a soft, deep layer of mulch, transparency in your marriage will keep most weed seeds dormant and unable to sprout.” – Barbara Rainey

Transparency is one of the biggest ways to overcome threats to your marriage.

Start by asking simple questions:

  • What is something I can do to make you feel loved?
  • What is one thing you love about our relationship?
  • What is something we can do better as a couple to continue growing?
  • What is something I do that irritates you?
  • Do you feel like my family is supportive of our marriage/why?
  • Do you feel like we spend quality time together?
  • What is something we can do to improve our communication?

Take captive any negative thoughts about your spouse.

  • “Maybe this isn’t your soul mate.”
  • “Did I marry the right person?”
  • “If they really loved me, they would_______”
  • “Why don’t they ever listen to me?”
  • “If he/she loved me, they would want to hang out with me and not their work friends.”
  • “They do not appreciate me and all of the things I do.”
  • “No one else would put up with this.”

Take those thoughts that creep into your mind captive. Our thinking patterns decide our actions and reactions. Therefore, the things we think about our spouse can tragically affect the way we interact with them and prioritize them. We must fix our minds on Christ and try to focus on the things we love about our spouse rather than nitpick everything we think they should be doing.

“Taking thoughts captive means controlling them instead of letting them control you.” – Priscilla Shirer

Do not let the negativity of the world influence your marriage. If a friend or family member is trying to get you to bash your spouse, it might be time to address those negative patterns. If you are constantly arguing with your spouse in your head or nitpicking at all their quirks, it is time to refocus your thoughts and reevaluate your mindset.

Prioritize your relationship with Christ.

“God’s Word is the perfect guidebook for marriage, and those who live by His Word will reap the blessings that obedience brings.” – Darlene Schacht

If you want your marriage to thrive, the secret ingredient is not how lavish your lifestyle is or whether he brings you fresh flowers every week. Marriage should be centered on a relationship with Christ, focusing on the qualities of Christ.

We need to rid ourselves of the things the world focuses on, like money, physique, and grand gestures. Instead, we must bathe ourselves in grace, mercy, compassion, forgiveness, empathy, and remain true to our vows. Marriage is not threatening divorce after one disagreement, it is vowing to put the work in every single day.

Keep finding those flickers of excitement.

The honeymoon phase does not have to be over forever. You can find creative ways to bring those flickers of excitement to your relationship in any phase of marriage. Whether you have been married one year or twenty years, you want to continue igniting that flame, having fun, going on dates, and making intimacy a priority.

  • End every day with “I love you”.
  • Greet your spouse at the door with a hug and kiss.
  • Never go to bed angry.
  • Continue dating one another.
  • Pray together.
  • Save money.
  • Establish healthy habits as a couple and as individuals.
  • Attend church together.
  • Do a Bible study together.
  • Have deep and sometimes uncomfortable conversations.
  • Dream together.
  • Plan for the future.
  • Attend counseling together as an investment in your marriage now and in the future.

Marriage counseling does not have to be a last resort for your marriage when it is struggling to move forward after the honeymoon phase. Counseling can be an investment at the start of your marriage to establish healthy patterns, learn effective communication strategies, understand each other’s love languages, and show your spouse that you are in it for the long run. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can guide you both on this journey, helping to build a strong foundation for a lasting and fulfilling marriage.

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“Honeymoon Hideaway”, Courtesy of Roberto Nickson, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Wedding Rings”, Courtesy of Marcos Paulo Prado, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Bride and Groom in a Canoe”, Courtesy of Drew Dau, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “With All Your Heart”, Courtesy of Brittney Burnett, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Opening New Doors: Developing Interpersonal Communication Skills

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Interpersonal communication skills, when strengthened, can help you express your feelings clearly and precisely. You can use these lifelong skills to move further up the career ladder, express yourself to your spouse or children, make new friends, and network with people who can help your cause. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help you develop these essential skills for personal and professional growth, strengthening your relationships and opportunities.

The good news is that most people are not born with good communication skills. It’s a skill you can begin mastering today to effectively and assertively convey what you mean.

The Different Types of Communication

There are several different types of communication, but they all boil down to verbal, nonverbal (actions), written, and visual. These skills also referred to as people skills, can take you far.

Unfortunately, some people find it difficult to communicate with people and allow others to control and manipulate them. By learning it’s okay to speak up (and how to do so constructively), you can develop self-confidence.

The types of communication are:

Verbal – Verbal communication uses spoken language to convey meaning to others.

Nonverbal (actions) – Nonverbal communication includes nodding, shaking your head, and other actions such as crossing your arms over your chest (body language), facial expressions, or slamming doors when angry.

Written – Written communication includes books, letters, emails, newspapers, text messages, and other printed or digital words.

Visual – Visual communication concentrates on the things we can see and understand as an outlet in expressing feelings and thoughts. This includes artwork, graphs, charts, drawings, and pictures.

Some people learn better when several of these types of communication are combined. For example, you might be more comfortable learning new information using written and visual materials. And it might be easier for you to express your thoughts of very detailed, personal matters through written material (a journal) rather than talking (verbal communication) with someone.

Another type of communication frequently forgotten, but possibly the most important skill is active listening. Active listening is trying to not only hear the person but to understand them. This means not losing your focus to distractions or thinking about how you are going to respond to their comments. While active listening, you nod or shake your head, speak when necessary, and show empathy.

Developing Interpersonal Communication Skills

Perhaps you do well with one or two public communication skills but are sorely lacking in the others. You can learn how to develop good communication skills with a little practice. You can begin by implementing a few of the suggestions listed below.

If you are interested in learning more about how to strengthen your communication skills, you can find printed books and eBooks on the subject as well as courses that cover interpersonal and public communication.

How to Develop Active Listening Skills

Developing the ability to actively listen to someone requires you to focus solely on the person speaking. If the person is sharing an emotional story with you, be sure to respond as necessary with kindness and empathy. This is not the time to judge the person in front of you, but to try to understand what they are going through or the instructions they are giving you.

Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up on our responses to the other person that we simply stop actively listening. Take your time in your response if you need to. You want the other person to feel important and heard.

How to Develop Verbal Communication Skills

To truly improve your verbal skills, you should expose yourself to a wide range of vocabulary. Read books (both printed and eBooks) in various genres as well as nonfiction. Consider joining a book club to discuss insights on a book to improve critical thinking skills or join a debate team to pick up how to form an argumentative opinion.

Speak precisely and with confidence. It is not necessary to bog down a conversation with five-syllable words as most people will come away from the exchange either intimidated or bored.

If you are nervous about meeting a new acquaintance, approach the person with a kind smile, compliment them, and ask questions. People love to talk about themselves and what is important to them. Start with asking about their family, career, hobbies and interests, and what they want to do with their life. As people confide, they will begin to trust you because you care to know about them.

How to Develop Nonverbal Communication Skills

Whether you realize it or not, you are constantly giving away your thoughts and feelings with body language and facial expressions. For example, crossing your arms over your chest while talking to someone is considered a defensive move for protection. Do you feel threatened by what they are saying? Do you find their comments hurtful?

Strive to be mindful of your facial expressions and posture when you are talking to someone. Smiling and maintaining a relaxed and open posture will translate to others that you are a warm and friendly person with whom they can spend time conversing.

How to Develop Written Communication Skills

The written word surrounds us daily with billboards, newspapers, chat messages, text messages, and emails. How many emails and texts do you send daily? It is important to improve your writing skills, so you convey the correct meaning and induce the appropriate response.

People today have shorter attention spans due to the constant barrage of distractions. Keep your sentences short and cut out any flowery words. Make sure you reread your material for clarity and accuracy. If writing seems awkward to you, try journaling. The act of recording your thoughts and emotions is simply the practice of communicating with yourself.

How to Develop Visual Communication Skills

You can use visual images to communicate with others. Most people remember pictures and videos even if they don’t remember the words they read. You can use visuals to help you remember important things.

For example, a student might draw a diagram, breaking down a difficult topic for a class. Or, a mother might create a chores graph for her children to use to make the daily tasks fun.

If you want to express your beliefs and thoughts to others using social media, you can create videos or pictures. You might find it easier to record and edit a video of you talking than speaking in-person to a group of people.

Social Communication Disorder

A child who cannot seem to express himself with the appropriate verbal and nonverbal cues may be tested by their pediatrician for Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). If autism is ruled out, the physician may diagnose the child with Social Communication Disorder (SCD).

Children demonstrating signs of SCD may have trouble responding appropriately to others, misjudging when to take their turn speaking, expressing their feelings verbally, and using language to ask questions and hold conversations.

Children with Social Communication Disorder may also have another mental health condition that requires therapy. Speak with your child’s pediatrician about adding the professional services of a speech-language pathologist, either at school or home. Some states provide programs, such as “Birth to 3,” to help babies and toddlers to overcome speech disorders and delays.

There are things you can do to help your child improve his communication skills. Make reading a priority in your home. Not only will your child enlarge his vocabulary, but he will learn to think critically and form opinions.

When possible, combine written and visual materials to teach your child about important topics. Many children are visual learners and can pick up a subject quicker with images.

Arrange for your child to spend time with other children and help him get started with conversations by asking questions. Once he sees that he has common interests as the other children, it may be easier for him to hold the conversation.

One Final Word

Communication skills are vital in every area of life. Whether you speak to a room full of peers, work behind a desk answering phones and sending emails, or need to assert your self-worth, mastering the skills to effectively communicate will serve you for the rest of your life. It’s a skill that no one can take from you. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help you develop and refine these skills, empowering you to navigate relationships and professional settings with confidence and clarity.

Photos:
“Admiring the View”, Courtesy of Priscilla Du Preez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Phone Call”, Courtesy of Kevin Laminto, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Chatting”, Courtesy of Charles Deluvio, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Happy”, Courtesy of Priscilla Du Preez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Porn: The World’s Most Powerful Addiction

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Many people are praying to God, “HELP ME!” They are screaming inside of themselves for help with their addiction to pornography. Porn is the number one addiction in the world, way more than any drug or vice known to man. It does not take much research to learn that this industry is making hundreds of billions of dollars around the world.

Cell phones and the internet have made it easy for anyone to make a few clicks and be instantly connected with someone else. Pornography also has different channels of enticing many others, for example: collect calls with random call girls, strip clubs, movies, magazines, TikTok, apps, games, etc. Porn is not just on the internet, it is everywhere.

Unfortunately, this industry takes no prisoners and makes a fortune while at it. The porn industry is ruining marriages, getting professionals fired, hurting families’ finances, and destroying people’s faith. To discover what we can do about it, we must understand why it is so powerful. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can provide the support needed to help individuals and families address the challenges of addiction and restore health to relationships and faith.

First, it involves other people. The truest form of intimacy is to be completely naked with someone else and spend time with them. Being naked with someone is the greatest form of invitation to connect with them and it produces chemicals in our bodies that create an emotional high.

In Genesis 2:15 the Bible reads “it is not good for man to be alone.” God tells us that we are designed to connect with others. God gave us social relationships to bond. He also gave us families to live with and create beautiful memories in the home. Marriage is, without a doubt, the most intimate relationship in the physical world.

Marriage is a bond where you know your spouse’s greatest strengths but also can see them in their most vulnerable state. That is why many want to be married because they want to cherish those moments with that special someone. Unfortunately, we at times can rely on vices to try to give us this “fix” to somehow replace that type of intimacy.

This is why porn is so addictive. It’s not like a substance with which you don’t have an emotional bond with. If your substance is spilled or broken, you may get mad, but you just go ahead and buy some more. But the emotional bond that you can get with seeing someone else naked and in a vulnerable sex position is bizarrely bonding.

I can speak from a man’s point of view that men who are addicted to porn have a tough time bonding with anyone. While they spend hours involved in their vice, they do not realize that they are losing connection with others.

So, what can we do? Connect with the same gender consistently and constantly. In 2 Samuel 11, you will read the story of King David who took time off from his busy military campaign. He sent his army to go off to battle while he remained in the palace all alone. We know from Genesis that it’s not good for man to be alone.

So having idle time, he goes out wandering and notices a beautiful woman bathing. She is naked and David is struck by that vulnerable connection. What King David should’ve done is go back inside his home and be sexually intimate with Abigail, his wife. They were married in 1 Samuel 25. It’s a wonderful and beautiful love story.

But David is not content over the many years of battle. He is worn down and tired. No one can blame him for taking some time off. However, this move by David was selfish because not only did he have wives, but he also had many concubines. 2 Samuel 5:13 tells us that David had both concubines and wives who bore him sons and daughters. This man was having lots of sex.

Why did he want to sleep with Bathsheba? A conqueror always wants to conquer more – they are never satisfied. They could be satisfied with God, their family, and themselves. But when we are giving ourselves over to our vices, we are communicating that we are unsatisfied. We think we are incomplete – not whole.

David was not completely satisfied. His greed wanted more. This mirrors greatly how individuals get addicted to porn. Fifteen minutes leads to one hour. One hour is not enough and that ends up to multiple hours. Then it turns into an entire day and then sadly to a lifetime. Why do you think people can’t just give it up?

The real reason is that the mind has been trained to be reliant on false images in an emotional way. Emotions are fire and they guide us so powerfully. A nation can change by having empathy for one incident. A nation can go into war because they learned of something that triggered the government.

I once saw a movie called Equilibrium that whose premise was if we had no emotions then there would be no more wars and murder. Maybe so. But who wants to live an emotionless life? Nobody. We all want to be free to live our lives as we want. However, emotions can lead us astray and we must break that cycle.

I mentioned in the earlier two paragraphs that getting help from the same gender is key. In 2 Samuel 12, God sends Nathan, a prophet, to correct David’s way of thinking. Why not send a woman? Or a family member? Remember that David involved his “secret service” and his main generals so who would stand up to this mighty King? A man of God. That’s who.

A man of God will help another man become a man of God. This is key in many support groups dealing with addiction because you can’t have a mixed-gender group talking about porn addiction. It wouldn’t be appropriate. Men wouldn’t feel comfortable describing their fetishes with another woman when an actual woman is staring right at them.

It wouldn’t work. So, a man would need another man to listen, confirm and challenge him as part of his sobriety plan. Same for a woman though. A woman shouldn’t be open to a man about her struggles watching porn online. It wouldn’t be a productive talk. A woman may be best suited to talk to another woman to get help. Don’t get me wrong. It’s wonderful for spouses to support each other in their struggles. But it’s best to leave the heavy lifting to the same gender.

Same-gender help is crucial. David would only have listened to a man who had deeper convictions than him. Earlier in King David’s life, he had such a friend by the name of Jonathan. Jonathan and David had many adventures together as they were more than brothers. The bond these men had was unbreakable only by death. Sadly, Jonathan is killed in battle and David mourns for him.

In 2 Samuel 1:25-26 David states “I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother, you were very dear to me, your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women”. You see that David’s heart is real and open about how close these men were. They were born in battle. The wars and adventures they fought there together helped them respect each other to a point where their bond was so tight that no one could interfere.

Just like David we are all capable of having such deep and rich friendships. It takes a lot of work. It’s not easy to be in battles day in and day out. However, if we decide to join in battle with one another then we can help each other have victories.

What great battle is there like the war with porn addiction? It’s a beast. Humiliating, depressing, sad, and hopeless. Therefore, we need those Jonathans in our lives to help us grieve, process, and seek help to overcome our issues. We cannot overcome porn addiction on its own. We need help and not just any help, but the help from someone who is the same gender that is willing to keep us accountable.

This is challenging because we don’t want to be called to a different standard, so we want to keep those defenses up. However, in my many years as a professional, and can only tell you that the secret to the success of many leaving this addiction behind is simply getting constant and consistent training from someone who has deep convictions on this issue.

Don’t expect to get much help from someone who is struggling with the same thing. They can be an encouragement and support, but the true catalyst will be the one with deep conviction because they’ve proved themselves capable of staying sober. We need to learn from them and follow in their footsteps. That is the way we are going to get out of this pit.

My question to you is, who is your Jonathan in your life? Maybe you’re not the one who’s addicted but you want to help. Are you someone that can help others? If so, set up a support group and invite people to learn. Please feel free to use this as a launching pad to start helping others who are enslaved to this vice.

If you are looking for someone else, find out if there’s a group, a minister, or a mentor who can help your friend out. This issue is not only for men. My wife, who helps counsel and mentor women, has told me that women are falling into this trap as well. My wife doesn’t tell me specifics or mentions names of course but she tells me that she is shocked to learn that many women are also dealing with this.

According to Psychology Today, statistics say that about 45% of women watch pornography with their partner and about 35% percent on their own. The thing with watching porn once though is that with or without a partner, the craving continues, and once is not enough. It is spiritual cancer that destroys men’s and women’s lives all over the world. That’s the bad news.

The good news is that it can be overcome with help – help in form of the same-gender partnering with those people to have victories in their lives. Let’s not look down on men because that won’t help. Let’s also not look down on women for struggling.

Let’s help one another to get to the root of the issue, which is accountability. We need best friends to talk to and be open. That’s the definition of true intimacy. We want to know and be known, so let’s practice it and marvel at the changes we see in their lives. Then they will see no need for fake intimacy when they can experience the real thing. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help guide you in building authentic connections and fostering true intimacy in relationships. God Bless!

Photos:
“Anguish”, Courtesy of Alex Iby, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Laptop”, Courtesy of Glenn Carstens-Peters, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Weighed Down”, Courtesy of Jon Tyson, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Romantic Sunset”, Courtesy of Nathan Dumlao, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

4 Steps to Overcoming the Different Types of Panic Attacks

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Imagine waking up at 2:00 a.m. with hundreds of thoughts swirling around in your brain. The thoughts are piercing. It is as if your mind is churning in a blender that will not turn off. It is so loud, almost as if it is jammed in an airhorn that doesn’t stop.

You are thinking about a project you forgot to do, a text message (to a sensitive friend) that you forgot to respond to earlier in the day, and worrisome thoughts on a medical test you are awaiting begin to escalate. Your fingers suddenly become tingly, legs become weak, and your breathing becomes labored.

Imagine preparing to head to a social event, but a million thoughts begin to steal your excitement. Instead of the excitement to get out of the house and mingle with friends, obsessive worry takes over.

You worry about being an awkward conversationalist and about potential societal threats. You worry about what you are wearing and wonder if it is the right attire for the event. Your palms begin to sweat, your breathing becomes more intense, your heart begins to race – why does this keep happening?

If these scenarios sound familiar, you or someone you know may be suffering from one of several different types of panic attacks. A panic attack is an intense feeling of threat or danger. It is the feeling of something terrible coming. Different types of panic attacks can happen regularly or can appear out of nowhere without the person’s realization as to what is causing it. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help guide you through the process of understanding and managing panic attacks, offering support and strategies for coping.

Sophie is an eighteen-year-old who struggles with social anxiety. Every time she enters a crowded room, she begins looking for the EXIT sign. She imagines all the worst-case scenarios. She plans multiple strategies in case something happens.

What if a fight breaks out? What if she sees an ex-boyfriend? She wonders what everyone thinks of her. Does she have something in her teeth? Are her clothes stylish enough, or are they too “last season”? Will someone think she is a bad Christian because she is beginning to panic?

As her breathing becomes labored, she suddenly gets chills, experiences heart palpitations, and becomes nauseous. Sophie is struggling with social anxiety. She is unsure of how to cope with these feelings, which causes her body to respond in this manner.

Anxiety can have a strong and paralyzing effect on one’s body. It is important to realize if this is happening to you so you can begin to pinpoint the triggers and working through different coping mechanisms.

Types of Panic Attacks

There are several types of panic attacks:

  • A cued panic attack is one of which you are aware. You may be very aware that you have social anxiety and what situations set your internal alarm off. You may avoid social gatherings altogether because of these unwanted intense feelings.
  • Non-cued panic attacks are those for which you are not prepared. You do not know why you are having them, and you are unsure of how to narrow down what is triggering you so you can stop them from happening. It may be something below the surface of which you are unaware.
  • Agoraphobia is the fear of going into crowded places. You may avoid going to the mall, movie theater, or other crowded and tight spaces because of a fear of not being able to control a social situation or feeling trapped/helpless.
  • Anticipatory anxiety is the fear of having a panic attack. You may avoid situations that you know have previously caused intense feelings of anxiety or panic.

The first step in the process of dealing with and processing your anxiety is to figure out your triggers. What is causing you anxiety? When is it happening? Who is it happening around? Why is it happening?

Steps to Overcome Panic Attacks

If you are struggling with intense feelings of impending danger, it is important to begin narrowing your signs and symptoms down so you can take proactive steps to improve your physical, emotional, and mental health.

Do not be ashamed or embarrassed about what you are feeling.

The first step is to know that you are not alone. Do not feel like you are less-than or falling short. The Bible reminds us that God wants to walk hand-in-hand with us on this journey of life. He does not promise that the road will be easy, but He promises that He will walk alongside us. He will comfort us in times of pain. He will direct us in times of uncertainty.

Isaiah 43:2 says, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” Anxiety may be part of your story, but it does not have to define you. The flames may be burning around you, but they do not have to steal your joy or feelings of hope.

Begin breathing techniques and relaxation exercises.

If you are struggling with panic attacks, begin taking deep breaths when a worrisome thought is consuming you. Download a relaxation breathing app on your phone to have on hand when you begin feeling the onset of panic. Find relaxation exercises and activities that work for you.

Re-channel that negative thought. Speak words of affirmation aloud. Practice yoga, exercise regularly, ensure you are getting adequate sleep and proper nutrition/water intake. To battle the mind, the body also needs proper care and nutrition.

Begin journaling when you have a panic attack.

What were you doing at that moment? What was happening around you? Who was around you? How did you feel? What thoughts began racing through your mind? Journaling will help pinpoint what is causing the panic attack if you are unaware. Journaling may also help you work through and process your thoughts on a deeper level.

Know that your pain will not last forever.

Barbara Haines Howett said, “Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, she became a butterfly.” You may have seen a lot of pain in your lifetime. Maybe those closest to you have not been the most encouraging.

You were made for a beautiful purpose and your story is still being written. Perhaps the last few chapters of life have been painful for you, but there is hope on the horizon. Your story can help make a difference in someone else’s life. This setback may be propelling you into something amazing that is right around the corner – and you do not want you to miss it.

Find a strong support system or accountability partner that you can be authentic with. Find someone who will understand and support you when things become heavy.

Hope on the Horizon: Christian Anxiety Counseling

If you are currently struggling with anxiety or panic attacks, Christian counseling for anxiety may be the perfect fit for you. It is a non-judgmental space that wants nothing but hope, joy, and the beautiful unfolding of a new chapter for your life. Today could bring a new dawn – scheduling your appointment at Newport Beach Christian Counseling is the first step to building a stronger and better tomorrow.

Bible Verses for Anxiety

I encourage you to say and pray these aloud when anxiety tries to creep in and steal your sense of peace:

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:6-7

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. – Proverbs 3:5-6

Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. – Matthew 6:34

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. – Deuteronomy 31:6

I sought the Lord, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears. – Psalm 34:4

Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up. – Proverbs 12:25

Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. – Psalm 23:4

A Prayer for the Anxious Heart

Father, right now I pray for the person whose heart is anxious. Lord, I pray that you would intervene. Cover their soul right now. Replace their anxious thoughts with thoughts of hope and positive declarations to ward off this negativity.

Please take away the feelings of panic and replace them with feelings of peace and hope. Please soothe their soul, calm their mind, and let them feel that You are present – now and forevermore. Please work in their heart as only You can. Please remind them that they are not alone.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

Photos:
“Stressed Out”, Courtesy of Alexandre Croussette, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Masking”, Courtesy of Engin Akyurt, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Letting Go of the Stress”, Courtesy of Eli DeFaria, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Free At Last”, Courtesy of Candice Picard, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Unforgiveness and Its Effect on Our Lives

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The idea of dishing out our own brand of justice is a tale as old as time, and it finds expression in comic books, movies, books, and in our lives. Some of our favorite pop culture heroes are the vigilantes who serve justice outside the lines of the law.

The Guy Ritchie-directed movie Snatch, starring Brad Pitt and Jason Statham among others, put an interesting definition of the word “nemesis” in the mouth of one of its foul-mouthed characters, a gangster named Bricktop. Bricktop, in one of his many memorable pieces of dialogue, said something like this: “Do you know what nemesis means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by . . . me.”

When someone wounds or offends us or the people we love, it is natural for us to want to retaliate, to inflict retribution. Sometimes, we feel like fixing things ourselves will be the best and quickest way to see justice done. Bricktop, for his part, thought himself to be a proper agent of righteous retribution, even though under the circumstances he was far from being righteous.

Set that next to the notion of forgiveness, which doesn’t often sit well with us, especially when we’re deep in our feelings about a situation. Forgive that person who just insulted me, my faith, or my people? Forgive that person who just rudely cut me off in traffic and then had the gall to insult me and my driving?

It’s often difficult enough to forgive our loved ones, but to forgive those we would call our enemies? That seems like a bridge too far. In those moments, it seems to make more sense to follow the way of Bricktop than it does to follow the way of Jesus. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help you explore the path of forgiveness and healing through a Christ-centered approach.

What unforgiveness does to us

Every action we undertake has an impact on our lives. On the other side of that is the reality that whatever our hearts are full of will emerge out of our mouths and into our lives, showing us what’s going on inside of us.

For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. A good person brings good things out of the good stored up in them, and an evil person brings evil things out of the evil stored up in them. – Matthew 12:34-35

Forgiving people is hard. We are concerned, and rightly so, that they will hurt us again, that forgiving them will seem like condoning their behavior, or that forgiving them will allow them to keep doing what they did. It is understandable that faced with the choice between offering forgiveness and withholding it, we often withhold it and live in a state of unforgiveness.

What, though, is the effect of unforgiveness on our lives?

It creates a barrier between us and God

In our own lives, we make many, many mistakes. We are repeat offenders in God’s books, and we find ourselves often at the throne of grace asking God for forgiveness. In the prayer he taught his followers, Jesus taught them to ask God for forgiveness even as they pray for daily bread (Matthew 6:9-15).

If we know ourselves well and are honest, we should acknowledge that we need forgiveness from God and other people often. God is gracious and freely forgives us, casting our sins away from us as far as the east is from the west.

The challenging part for us is that God asks us to extend forgiveness to others in the same way that he forgives us. What we have received, we are to pass on and bless others with.

So, that prayer for forgiveness that Jesus taught his followers goes, “Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors…” and he closes off the conversation by saying, “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:11-12, 14-15).

When we withhold forgiveness from other people and live in a state of unforgiveness, it brings a challenge to our relationship with God. As one interpretation of these verses puts it, “In prayer, there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can’t get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God’s part”.

We exist in a complex web of relationships. God cares about what happens between us and our neighbors, and we can’t isolate or insulate our relationship with them from our relationship with God. The new life God gives us enables us to live in harmony with others and empowers us to do the impossible, like forgiving people.

It’s bad for your health

Forgiveness is connected to massive health benefits. Johns Hopkins Medicine notes that “Studies have found that the act of forgiveness can reap huge rewards for your health, lowering the risk of a heart attack; improving cholesterol levels and sleep; and reducing pain, blood pressure, and levels of anxiety, depression, and stress. And research points to an increase in the forgiveness-health connection as you age.”

“There is an enormous physical burden to being hurt and disappointed,” says Karen Swartz, M.D., director of the Mood Disorders Adult Consultation Clinic at The Johns Hopkins Hospital. Chronic anger puts you into a fight-or-flight mode, which results in many changes in heart rate, blood pressure, and immune response.

Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease, and diabetes, among other conditions. Forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, leading to improved health.”

Living in unforgiveness and holding on to negative feelings about other people is bad for your health.

It robs us of the freedom God intends

One of the gifts that God has given people in Jesus is freedom. That freedom takes shape in different ways, but one of the surprising ways is that we are freed from our old selves, which were prone to feelings such as “bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander” (Ephesians 4:31). These are part of the old way of life.

That doesn’t mean that no situation will arise where we feel those things. Living out the life of God in us means that we give less and less room to those negative emotions, and learn more and more to “be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven [us]” (Ephesians 4:32).

Feeling angry toward someone as a result of unforgiveness can be so draining. As we’ve already pointed out, unforgiveness includes a heavy physical burden to carrying those emotions all day. Feeling anger and resentment toward other people also just wears down your soul and robs you of your joy. Have you ever noticed what happens when you’re in a good mood, and a person you have something against walks in the room?

All your energy gets taken away from the happiness you were feeling and is redirected toward avoiding that person’s gaze or just wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible. That’s a burden. Rather than carry that, God’s people can be sure that God will take up our cause and do what is right at the right time, so we don’t have to burden ourselves with holding onto our anger and wanting revenge (Romans 12:14-21).

It affects relationships and causes us to miss what God is doing

The story of the lost son in Luke 15 is a remarkable one about people finding a way back from a very dark place. The younger son in the story is wayward, and he squanders the family wealth on alcohol, parties, and fast living. He brings shame to his father and the family. The older son stayed home all the while, faithfully working the fields.

When the younger brother ran out of money and lost his friends, he thought to come home and restore some semblance of a relationship with his father. The wayward younger brother in the story stood for the tax collectors and sinners that Jesus was welcoming and eating with.

The older brother, standing for the religious leaders, angrily stood far off from the wayward brother, and would not extend forgiveness, welcome, or rejoice when the generous father had welcomed the wayward son home.

Was the wayward son wrong in what he had done? Yes, very much so. Is it natural and normal to feel offended, much like the older brother did in these circumstances? Yes. But in that story, Jesus was trying to show that the joy of welcoming back a wayward brother who has repented ought to overtake our offense at what they did.

The Pharisees were unwilling to welcome the tax collectors and sinners even when God in Jesus was welcoming them into the Kingdom. Choosing to forgive isn’t easy, but living in unforgiveness made them, and it can make us, miss out on what God is doing. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can support you in navigating the challenges of forgiveness and embracing the healing and growth God offers.

Photos:
“Love At All Costs”, Courtesy of Gus Moretta, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Let It Go”, Courtesy of Brett Jordan, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Please Forgive Me”, Courtesy of Brett Jordan, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Forgiveness”, Courtesy of Felix Koutchinski, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Mental Warfare: How to Overcome Psychological Trauma

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Bad things happen to good people all the time. Sadly, it seems like in today’s age this is happening more and more often. Has anyone told you that you are a good person lately? Please be assured that you are. The fact that you are reading this piece is because you are trying to battle the mental warfare of psychological trauma.

I can hear you on the other side asking, “Why me?” and “Why am I experiencing this?” And I’m with you on this one. Why you? No one deserves to be mistreated or abused in any way, especially mentally. Newport Beach Christian Counseling is here to provide the support and guidance you need during this difficult time.

You were created to be in God’s image according to Genesis 1:26-28. Think about how we would describe God…Powerful? All-knowing? Loving? These are some of the first attributes that come to mind when would describe him. Well, if we are made in His image, shouldn’t we show similar characteristics?

You may respond “But I’m not God” and that’s true. None of us are God. We are however made in God’s image. If the Scriptures are still true, then we all must look in the mirror and wonder why we sell ourselves short. This is the truth, but we entertain the lies more often. That’s the true challenge in my honest opinion.

The biggest challenge for us is to reframe our thinking so that we don’t believe those distorted thoughts. There’s an incredible passage in Romans 12:2 “we are transformed by renewing our minds”. It blows my mind that we can alter our thinking! Yes, you can alter the way you think which will then change you from the inside out. For us to change our thinking we must do some work and train ourselves so that we can have a renewed focus.

Jesus went through a traumatic experience in his life, and it was recorded in Matthew 14. In the middle of this gospel, his cousin, John the Baptist is tragically beheaded by an evil ruler at the time: “John’s disciples came and took his body and buried it. Then they went and told Jesus.” In verse 13, the Scripture says, “When Jesus heard what had happened, he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place.”

The verse says that Jesus takes time to be alone and the verse stops right there. I love that the Bible leaves it to our imagination on what happened. Take time to read that verse and put yourself in his shoes. What would you be doing? The Bible doesn’t make it easy for us to read what Jesus did, but the word of God allows us to ponder what he may have been doing.

If you didn’t catch it, the word is reframing our mind right there. God wants us to think. I don’t like thinking too much myself, but I know that this mental warfare is a real thing. It’s easier for us to veg out in front of the television. It’s simple to move on to the next thing and try to forget our past hurt.

But we need to see the example of Jesus and how he took the time to think. Reframing our mindset will help us to change our pattern of thinking into a healthier approach to life. That’s the decision we must make today – the decision to reframe the way we think.

Jesus doesn’t stop there. We continue reading on in Matthew 14:15 that after his time of mourning and praying, Jesus meets with a crowd and he is moved to compassion when he sees the needs of the people. “When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick.”

The word “compassion” in Greek means for your “innermost part to be moved”. Though Jesus is sad about losing a loved one, in one night He pulls himself together enough to start helping others the next day. He didn’t take a shortcut nor was he absent from feeling pain. Jesus suffered and knew how to deal with it. He took the night to pray, process, and grieve.

He did not stop there though. Many others would have but not him. He allowed his heart and mind to start thinking about others and how he could help. Have you ever heard of the phrase “Hurt people, hurt people”? I’m here to tell you that Jesus’ case, “hurt people, help people.”

This compassion started on the inside and was a catalyst for Jesus to help others. This empowerment helped Jesus overcome his grief. I don’t think it resolved everything for Jesus at that time, but it was enough for him to get through the day.

Let’s shift the focus to you. How are you doing with your thought patterns? Are you feeling overwhelmed and faint with hopelessness? People have indeed hurt us, and we need to process that. So, the question remains, who are we talking to? How are we going to get help? Are we going to remain in this rut or are we going to do something about it?

It’s time for us to take back our minds and not lend them to these negative thoughts from our past to control us. Some forms of psychological trauma include verbal abuse, domestic violence, sexual assault, stalking, racism, etc. These leave an imprint in our minds that is hard to forget.

There are many more, but these are some that stand out in 2021. Some may more emotional than others, and others may be more physical than others. Whether something physical happened or not is not the point. The point is that if it degrades our minds, then you can bet it is probably a form of psychological trauma that has shaped our brains.

Our minds are so powerful that if you think long and hard enough you may be able to convince your body to the point of having somatic symptoms. These symptoms will break your body down. Instead of using it to break us down, let us use our minds to build us up as we move forward. Our minds can fight these demons away so that we can be free.

Jesus was no stranger to mental suffering. He was accused and abused by those who hated him, but his mind was free to the point that it helped him overcome all those obstacles. Jesus set an example of how to deal with mental and emotional pain. He wasn’t physically suffering but he suffered for the loss he had. We must act and take small steps so that we can also succeed.

In the rest of chapter 14 in the gospel of Matthew, we see three examples of something important to which we should pay attention. Jesus feeds 5,000 families with a few loaves of bread and a couple of fish. He then works with Peter to walk on water which must’ve been a remarkable sight. Peter doesn’t last long on the water but before he falls Jesus states that he had little faith.

The fact that Peter walked on water with little faith is something mind-blowing to me because I would think you would need a stratosphere type of faith. Not so with Jesus, however. Even when we doubt and take some steps, he can make us “walk on water.” Lastly, when Jesus lands at his next destination, many people approach him and touch the edge of his cloak to get healed.

What surprises me is that the people didn’t have to even touch him physically! They didn’t have to hold his hand; they didn’t need to hug him or have him touch their foreheads to show some form of connection. They must’ve had so much reverence for him that in those times that wasn’t considered permissible – perhaps because it would’ve been disrespectful.

Even so, many barely grabbed a part of his cloak and were healed because of their small faith. I’m sure by now you can figure it out. The constant denominator in these three examples is that we only need to have small faith for God to work. Many times, we feel we need to be perfectly healed to live life, or that we must “get over” something to function.

The way I read it, this seems contrary to widely held belief. Jesus was hurt and was able to serve others despite his mental and emotional pain. We can do the same. Despite the hurt, we can help others. What small step of faith can you take today? We can call someone and ask for help. We can start journaling. We can set up a therapy appointment. We can go to the beach to pray.

We don’t have to do something enormous. We don’t need to recover before helping even fully someone else out. Do you think Jesus was one hundred percent resolved after his cousin was murdered? I don’t think so. But what he did was profound. He was able to serve as he was healing himself. Your faith doesn’t have to something astronomical. It doesn’t have to be out of this world. It can be something small.

If we do a tiny bit every day, we can take major leaps in our lives. This is how you and I can overcome our mental warfare. We can overcome our psychological trauma. We see the example of Jesus and it makes sense! So, if it’s good enough for Jesus then it should be good enough for us. Decide to something small today and get help. You will be victorious. I leave you with this Scripture to inspire you:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me or seen in me – put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. – Philippians 4:4-9

Christian Counseling for Psychological Trauma

If you would like additional help and support regarding how to overcome psychological trauma, I invite you to contact me or one of the other counselors at Newport Beach Christian Counseling  to schedule an appointment. It would be my honor to serve you in this capacity.

Photos:
“Caged”, Courtesy of Christopher Windus, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Drowning”, Courtesy of Nikko Macaspac, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Disequilibrium”, Courtesy of Joshua Fuller, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Walking Down the Road”, Courtesy of Emma Simpson, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Help! My Husband is a Sex Addict

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If you suspect that your husband is a sex addict, you have come to the right place to get some guidance. If he watches porn on the internet and uses his phone to look at inappropriate pictures of other women, you may be wondering whether there is hope. The good news is that there is — and not just any hope, but the hope of God.

Recall your wedding day. Remember both of you standing on the altar and looking into his eyes as he was saying to you that he would be faithful and loving until the day he dies. I am sure at this moment you don’t feel that at all and that is okay. This article is not to persuade you about your valid emotions.

This article is written to help you understand that those vows are more important now than ever! Your husband has his issues, but where there is love, there is a way to overcome hurt. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers insight into how we can help your husband out so that we can do our best to salvage your relationship.

If Your Husband is a Sex Addict: How to Help

First, why is he indulging in this? Have you ever heard of the phrase “Hurt people, hurt people”? This statement means that if I am hurt, then obviously I am going to hurt others. Does it have to be that way? If everyone who is hurting, hurts others, this world would be even more tragic to live in.

God doesn’t want us to hurt others just because we are hurt ourselves. Your husband hurt you. He hurt you because he is hurting. It’s easy to say that porn addiction is disgusting and absurd. However, in Romans 3:23 the Bible states that sin is sin. Meaning that there’s no sin that’s greater than the other. They are all the same.

That is a tough pill to swallow especially when we are hurt. We may think that when we are hurt by loved ones, that their sin is greater than others. The truth is that all sin is offensive, and all sin is equal. In my ministerial work, this levels the playing field between spouses so that there’s no self-righteousness.

Your husband did an awful thing, and we are hoping and praying that he can get help so that he can heal – the single best thing for a sex addict to do. If we keep yelling at him, telling him that he is a monster, that will not do much. We can beat people over the head about their failures, but we must take a more effective approach.

Secondly, your husband needs you to be his greatest support. God is there with you all. The human being that needs him now more than ever is you. You have been an outstanding wife. You are a great mom, you cook and clean, you help pay the bills and do the dirty work around the home. You have grown in sexual intimacy with your husband and given him your best. You didn’t deserve this – you deserve better!

So, should you just quit, get a divorce, and move on? Maybe. You should fight for your husband’s sobriety. He needs your help, and one way we can help him to do find out why he is engaging in this pattern. Giving up on him will only tempt you to sexual sin, tempt him to struggle with sexual sin as well. Ninety-nine percent of men struggle with sexual sin and whether they admit that they are addicts or not is another conversation.

Men in America engage in sexual sin on an almost daily basis. There’s online pornography, Tik Tok videos, social media, movies, magazines, commercials, other women flirting with them, etc. It’s everywhere. The battle rages on! Some men have been able to manage it well and are on a maintenance plan. Some are having challenging times and giving in. Some have good months and then have some bad months.

There’s no exact science to this. You need to know that most men struggle with this and are battling with it. That doesn’t excuse the behavior, nor does it make it okay to continue in it. The point is that we give up only to meet someone else who will struggle with that same thing. That’s why we need to remember our vows – in sickness and in health.

Your husband’s addiction is a disease. It’s destroying his self-esteem, mental health, and most of all his relationship with you. Who is going to support him now? I hope it’s you. You can be there for him to listen to him and ask him deep questions on why he is behaving this way. You can ask him what his childhood was like and about his first sexual experiences. That can tell you a lot about why he is doing what he is doing.

Men are called pigs and dogs for engaging in this behavior but are rarely called heroes in their homes when they are faithful. Husbands are working hard and trying to do their best to support their families, yet they get the least encouragement from their loved ones. They hear complaining and bickering which makes them want to tune out. The most common way for a man to tune out is to tune in sexually.

At first, it may start as an innocent crush or curiosity. Later, however, it develops into a relentless cycle of addiction that leaves them hopeless. Men need to be built up and encouraged for them to feel safe enough to be open. I encourage any reader to ask that question to see how your husband would respond. He may cry or he may get angry but that’s the point. He is feeling stuff and not dealing with it.

So, the wife can see that her role is to support him and be genuinely vulnerable. Being vulnerable is not yelling or venting at him. Vulnerability is exposing your deepest insecurities which then would breed more vulnerability on his part. He needs to do his part also. You aren’t going to save him. That is Jesus’ job.

He needs to be open with other men to get help. The best solution for men to overcome their sexual addiction is to have other men challenge them and get them on a plan. I’m sure you wouldn’t want a random woman to help him unless she’s a trained professional. With that in mind, I would highly recommend that you aren’t his only support for this issue. A minister, a therapist, a men’s’ support group, an addiction recovery group could all help your husband.

He needs to be open in those groups with other men who are battling with this issue. Too many times, the wife can turn a blind eye, or overexert herself, or simply complain, but unfortunately, it leads to little productivity. The true change will be when another man or a few good men talk to your man face to face about his problem. There may be resistance at first, opposition and whining about it, too.

The good thing is that if you keep requesting him to get help, he may eventually do it. What if he doesn’t? Then I would recommend you join a co-dependency group or a woman’s support group to get help. You may be thinking to yourself, why me? You are not responsible for his mistakes.

Your example will be super humbling to him. Imagine yourself telling him, “If you don’t want to get help then I will.” On Tuesday prepare dinner for you and the kids and I will meet with the ladies for support.” You don’t do it out of retaliation or spite, but because you are fighting for your relationship. He may hold his cards and remain tough. But while you are away, there will be no doubt that you will be on his mind. He will be humbled to get help.

Over time, he may give in and be curious about getting help. This step empowers you, but it also frees you from being a victim. You are not a victim! I will say it again, you are not a victim! You are a noble woman of God who is experiencing what many other women have or are currently experiencing in their lives.

That idea is freeing because some women lose hope that anything will change. The change will occur when changes are made. A tiny step can lead to an adventure. Someone must take the first step. Scary as it may be, it is necessary. Your husband may follow you because humility often breeds humility. Often, when the family takes a step in one direction the rest will soon follow behind.

If the worst happens, and he refuses to get help from anyone, then you have some choices to make. You can get advice from those closest to you on how to conduct a major intervention to get his attention. Some ideas can include, having friends visit him at the home, the family making a video for him, or individuals from your church writing him letters.

As a minister, I never would tell someone to leave someone but taking a vacation so he can marinate on his thoughts could also be helpful. Staying with your parents for a weekend could help wake him up. Please tell him beforehand so that he isn’t taken by surprise. That would not be beneficial. The time away may help awaken the true love you both have for each other.

Let’s do a quick recap. His sin is his sin. You are not at fault. You can be his biggest cheerleader through this tough time. You can be curious and ask questions about his childhood and why he could be hurting.

Hurt people hurt people, so try to figure out what he is trying to escape and avoid. Often, men watch porn because they want relief and gratification. It may not be that he doesn’t love you or find you attractive, it may simply be that he is looking for an escape.

Porn and sex addiction is a deep issue and needs to be addressed by other men so your husband can be challenged and held accountable. Sometimes interventions can help, and space is needed. All interventions should be done with respect and lots of guidance and support. Hopefully, these tips can lead you to a breakthrough in your marriage with your loved one! Don’t forget those vows! They are precious!

If you need additional help, please feel free to contact me or one of the other counselors listed in the Newport Beach Christian Counseling directory to schedule a counseling appointment. We would be more than happy to help.

Photos:
“Watching out the window.”, Courtesy of Taylor Deas-Melesh, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Tossed by the Waves”, Courtesy of Alex Iby, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Am I good enough?”, Courtesy of Hello I’m Nik, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Wedding Bands”, Courtesy of Sandy Millar, Unsplash.com, CC0 License