Setting Personal Boundaries in Marriage: Examples and Techniques

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There is likely no more intimate human relationship than the one between a husband and wife. Our proximity to our spouse is like having a personal vanity mirror always bouncing our identities, faults, and traits back at us. It’s the sort of relationship where two people come together to share the entirety of their lives.

This marriage relationship is characterized by deep vulnerability, emotional and physical intimacy, exclusivity, and the ongoing commitment to do life together in ways that other relationships simply can’t hold a candle to. don’t. If you pause and think about it, there are things about marriage that simply cannot apply to other relationships, and it feels weird to try and do so.

You don’t commit to live with your friend for the rest of your lives, nor do you have the same obligations when it comes to your workplace and work relationships. There is something decidedly unique about the marital relationship. This makes it somewhat strange to talk about boundaries in marriage.

If we think about boundaries like boundary markers of what keeps things out or in, appropriate or inappropriate, understandably, talking about drawing such lines may feel counterproductive to connection.

Personal Boundaries in a Committed Relationship?

One of the ways marriage is described in Scripture is that “a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, NIV). There is a unison that occurs in marriage, and it doesn’t refer only to physical union through sexual intimacy, but the union of various aspects of their lives, such as where they live, their goals and plans, their finances, and so on.

Not one taking over the other, not one spouse consuming the other, or the relationship replacing the individuals’ identities, but two unique individuals embracing unity and making another whole thing, greater than the sum of its parts. 1+1=3 is the Kingdom math of relationships. Talking like this sets up the inevitable question about how the boundaries within a marriage can be if the two become one flesh.

The interesting thing about becoming one flesh is that whatever it means, it doesn’t mean you lose your individual existence. After all, if that were the case, there would be no need for Scripture to keep talking about the different and distinct roles and responsibilities of husbands and wives. Being one flesh doesn’t mean you stop being who you are as an individual.

A couple may be married, but it’s possible to have a situation in which one of them trusts in Jesus and the other does not (1 Corinthians 7:12-16). Marriage doesn’t take away the fact that you are who you are, or the fact that you have particular likes, dislikes, things you’re interested in, sensibilities, and your own sense of humor.

What marriage does is create space for two people to live together and love each other well. Loving each other well doesn’t mean becoming one another; it means considering everything that your spouse is and loving them as they are, even as you yearn for them to become who the Lord intended them to be. You love your spouse well by honoring who they are and acting in ways that speak love to who they are.

This reflects the relationship the three members of the Godhead have with each other and desire with us. To bring the glory and beauty out of each other by witnessing each other, elevating each other, and enjoying each other. Every relationship, if it is to be a healthy one, requires boundaries. These boundaries aren’t physical, per se, but they are lines that demarcate where one person ends, and the other person begins.

Each person has their limits, their own personality, things that they enjoy or don’t, and ways of being that are irreducibly them. Boundary lines like fencing on property overlooking a cliff, as C.S. Lewis might illustrate, are there for a reason, to keep fun safe and to prevent venturing into peril.

Personal boundaries can then become ways that individuals indicate their individuality, and as beings made in God’s image, their individuality is something the Lord purposely brought into being, even if it needs refinement to become more Christ-like. The Lord knit you in your mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13), and personal boundaries help you to protect who He made you to be. It’s a sad thing to be compelled to become someone else.

Examples of Personal Boundaries in Marriage

To understand personal boundaries and the place they may have in a marriage, it may be helpful to give a few examples of some boundaries. The point behind boundaries is that they help the individual define their identity, and they also help to establish limits and clear expectations in the relationship. They can also help to prevent emotional burnout, resentment, or unnecessary anger in the relationship.

Personal boundaries help to define who you are, what you’re comfortable with, and what your needs and expectations are of others. These boundaries can be about your emotions, your body, your time, money, work, how you handle digital space, and so much more.

Some examples of healthy personal boundaries in a marriage include respectful communication, such as no raised voices or name-calling; respecting each other’s opinions; not resorting to guilt-tripping or manipulation; and giving each other space to process things when needed. These standards help create a sense of emotional safety and respect in the relationship.

Time is an important aspect of our lives. Spouses might want alone time to pursue their hobbies, and also time for shared activities. To promote a healthy work-life balance, a couple may need to establish boundaries between work and life, for instance, by not checking work emails after 5 pm.

The couple can also set limits on social engagements and time spent with in-laws over the holidays. Another set of boundaries has to do with our bodies and could include personal space and delineating times and places where you don’t want to be touched.

When it comes to sexual intimacy, desires, limitations, and preferences can also be communicated, so no one feels pushed to do things they’re not comfortable with. There may also be boundaries regarding public displays of affection or private moments like dressing or using the bathroom.

Finances are often a source of conflict in relationships, and clear boundaries may be helpful. Boundaries may be set to determine shared budgeting or spending decisions; issues like debt need to be disclosed, discussed openly, and managed jointly; there may be boundaries like not lending money to loved ones; there may be limits on personal spending or maintaining individual financial autonomy.

Lastly, a couple may set boundaries about their digital lives. This includes whether they have access to each other’s devices or social media accounts; whether they can use phones during their shared time; setting limits on online interactions, for instance, not connecting with or following exes; respecting each other’s wishes about the kinds of things posted online about the family; and limiting screen time before or in bed.

Each couple will have boundaries that are unique to them as a couple and to each individual in the relationship. One of the key elements of having boundaries is that these need to be communicated openly with one’s spouse to establish boundaries that work for both spouses.

How to Set and Communicate Boundaries

When you set healthy boundaries, it works to strengthen your relationship by promoting mutual respect, trust, and understanding. It helps you to know how to love each other well because you know what your spouse wants, what’s important to them, and what will help make them feel seen and heard. The question then is: how do you effectively set and communicate boundaries?

It isn’t always possible to set boundaries before marriage. You might not even be fully aware that you have boundaries, or you haven’t communicated them as such. That’s okay. Some steps for setting and communicating your boundaries include the following: Self-reflect. Before you set or communicate your boundaries, take the time to reflect on your limits and needs.

What are some things that you consider non-negotiables, like your personal space or sense of emotional safety? Are there some areas where you’re currently feeling overwhelmed or disrespected? This may clue you in on the areas where you potentially need boundaries. Communicate your boundaries.

When you try to share your boundaries, make sure to be specific and clear about what you want. It’s important that you clearly define the boundaries and the expectations you have. For instance, you can say, “I need some focused time in the morning for work. Can I have the morning without interruptions?” Another example of a boundary is “I’m uncomfortable discussing sensitive topics with our friends around. Can we discuss this when we get home and we’re in private?”

When you communicate the boundary, it’s also important to set a consequence if the boundary isn’t respected. For instance, a consequence might be “If you keep interrupting me while I’m working, I’m afraid I’ll need to take a break and check out from the conversation.” You need to communicate your boundaries assertively. That means maintaining eye contact, maintaining a calm but firm tone, and avoiding passive-aggressive or aggressive language.

Show empathy and understanding toward your spouse, listen to their concerns and perspectives, and remain open to compromise. Also, use “I” statements to express yourself without blaming or shaming your spouse. Your boundaries are not a way to control your spouse or to get your own way.

They represent genuine needs and ought to be open to discussion and compromise. Part of living with another person is learning to bear one another’s burdens and creating healthy boundaries. Respecting one another’s boundaries is one way to love each other and bear each other’s burdens well.

Dealing with Violated Boundaries

After you’ve communicated your boundaries, should those boundaries be violated, be sure to address those violations promptly. Show an appreciation for boundaries that have been respected, and communicate any violations in the same way you communicated the boundary. Boundaries can and do shift with time and circumstance. Be flexible, remain open to compromise, and hold the line firmly where necessary.

It may be helpful to seek professional help to set, communicate, or address violated boundaries. Your counselor can help you by creating a safe and conducive environment to have these conversations and develop the necessary skills.

Mulling over not exploring your boundaries and sharing them with your partner is universal and understandable, too. It may feel intuitively more desirable and convenient not to share than to share them because you may think, “It’s the end of the day, my spouse and I are interacting in close quarters, ‘til death do us part. I don’t want to get on their bad side.” But with bad boundary definitions, they often already are on your bad side.

Precisely because you will be with your spouse, conceivably to the end, having those conversations around needs, wants, and preferences will smooth out in time your relational functioning, which will be a great gift to both of you in perpetuity compared to the short-term benefits of conflict avoidance in the near term.

Boundaries are like well-reasoned laws in a frontier town. They help settlers grow side by side and cultivate the land by following agreed-upon principles. They aren’t just the boundaries to not take my stuff or stay away at this time. Growth through limits. Love from restraint. The benefits of respect and care from boundaries. I can say they are boundless.

Photo:
“Seasoned Couple”, Courtesy of Gustavo Fring, Pexels.com, CC0 License

Identifying Codependency in Friendships: Causes and Signs

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There’s a biblical proverb that says, “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24, NIV). Not all friendships are created equal; some friends are unreliable, while others share a bond stronger than even familial relationships. Your friendships could ruin you, but they can also be a necessary support for a rich and fulfilling life.

The result of all this is that friendships are great, but you need to exercise caution. There are some relationship dynamics, such as codependency, that you need to keep an eye on. These unhealthy dynamics not only affect your well-being, but they can also lead to poor choices that affect the course of your life. ‘Ruin’ may seem like a strong word, but unwise relationships can cause enormous amounts of damage.

What’s at the core of codependency?

The term ‘codependency’ is one that’s gained currency in the last decade or so. It describes a variety of unhealthy relationship behaviors that can be caused in several ways. However, at the heart of codependency is an underdeveloped or poor sense of self. If a person doesn’t develop a clear sense of who they are, their values, and their boundaries, they are more prone to developing codependent patterns of behavior in relationships with others.

Codependency and codependent behaviors involve a complicated mix of psychological, emotional, and relational dynamics that are at work in day-to-day interactions. Some of these include the desire to seek validation and approval externally from other people. Other dynamics include over-identifying and being enmeshed with others to the point where it’s hard to tell where they end, and you begin.

Codependency also includes a fear of rejection or abandonment, an inability to self-regulate one’s own emotions, poor emotional resilience, difficulty setting and maintaining good boundaries with others, and having low self-worth and self-esteem. In codependent relationships, there is a power imbalance and control issues, along with dysfunctional communication patterns like passive-aggressive behavior and criticism.

A codependent relationship is thus an unhealthy relationship. It doesn’t lend itself to one or both members flourishing. Often, the codependent dynamic serves to deepen unhealthy patterns of behavior that don’t shore up a healthy sense of self, nor does it promote a healthy self-sufficiency.

Some Underlying Causes of Codependency

There isn’t a single and straightforward path toward codependency. A person develops a poor sense of self and has difficulty maintaining healthy boundaries with others for a variety of reasons. The process of developing a healthy sense of self was often disrupted by experiences such as childhood trauma or experiences such as abandonment, or neglect. These can be in the form of a parent dying, parental divorce, or being literally abandoned.

Experiencing unhealthy family dynamics like parental substance abuse disorder or neglectful or inattentive parents can also lead to codependent behavior. In some cases, the child takes on the role of the parent to take care of themselves and their siblings in the place of the dysfunctional parent. The child learns to place themselves and their needs and wants after others.

Codependency can also develop as a result of an insecure attachment style. An attachment style is how you form and maintain relationships with others. An insecure attachment style may include a fear of abandonment. It leads to seeking reassurance of a loved one’s affections and also going above and beyond what’s healthy to keep a partner happy.

Depending on your situation, societal or cultural expectations can also play a role in nurturing codependency. If, for instance, there’s more of an emphasis on the collective – society, your local community, or the family – over the individual, that may lead to codependent behaviors. While it’s important to look out for others and love them well, it can be detrimental to do so without regard to personal well-being.

In addition to the above, personal values and beliefs can also lean into codependent dynamics. For instance, personal or religious beliefs could lead to an emphasis on self-sacrifice. If a person is a people pleaser who is unwilling or unable to say “no,” that too could lead to a situation of codependency.

Lastly, substance abuse or addiction, and dealing with mental health conditions such as anxiety or depression, may also lead to codependency, though via different routes. You may become overly reliant on others for day-to-day functioning due to these conditions. If you’re not intentional, those patterns may persist even after recovery. We all need help at one point or another, but it’s possible to lean into that pattern of need more than is necessary.

A person may thus form codependent patterns of relating to others when they’re young, but these patterns can also develop and set in later in life as well.

Signs of Codependency in Friendships

Being friends with someone means that you will help each other in a bind. Friends help each other, support one another in times of crisis, challenge unhealthy behaviors in each other, enjoy common interests together, and help one another become what the Lord intends for them to be. However, there are helpful and there are unhelpful and unhealthy ways to be present in someone’s life.

Some patterns of codependent behavior to look out for include:

  • It is difficult for you to say “no” to your friend or set limits to what you’re willing to do with and for them.
  • You perform enabling or rescuing behaviors toward your friend. Consistently swooping in to help your friend out of a jam of their own making.
  • In line with the inability to say “no,” you exhibit people-pleasing behavior and over-accommodate your friend.
  • Because of the inability to say “no,” you may lack the practice of self-care or prioritizing personal goals.
  • You feel overly responsible for your friend’s emotions or actions.
  • You feel emotionally or physically drained after interactions or time spent with your friend.
  • A fear of abandonment can result in the codependent tendency to tolerate abusive or toxic behavior from your friend, such as constant criticism, humiliation, being insulted, or being manipulated.
  • You have a fear of conflict or confrontation. This might look like faking agreement and not being willing to hold or express opinions or thoughts that are contrary to your friend.
  • You display passive-aggressive behavior toward your friend instead of telling them what you truly think and feel. Instead of being vulnerable, you express yourself and your feelings of anger in subtle, subversive ways. You may harbor feelings of resentment and anger toward your friend.

Codependent relationships can leave you feeling emotionally and physically burned out. They can also strain other relationships because of how all-consuming they can be. Not only do such relationships increase a person’s levels of anxiety or stress, but they also can increase the risk of depression. Codependency reinforces a loss of personal identity and autonomy.

Recovering from Codependent Patterns in a Friendship

A friendship, even a good friendship, can be overcome by codependent dynamics. If a friend is in trouble and you bail them out, that’s one thing. However, if you begin to fall into that pattern of relating to each other, a codependent dynamic can develop. A healthy friendship can become codependent in several ways, or it might commence between two people with codependent tendencies and patterns of behavior. Recovery, however, is possible.

Recovering from codependency is, among other things, about becoming more aware of the fact that your pattern of behavior with your friend is an unhealthy one. With introspection and spending time to be more self-aware, you could pinpoint how your relationship dynamic is unhealthy.

Apart from self-awareness, it’s important to put practices in place that will help you recover and develop a more secure sense of self. This includes taking steps such as boundary-setting and learning to be more assertive. It also means taking time out for self-care and prioritizing yourself, rebuilding your self-worth and self-esteem, and developing healthy communication skills so that you can express your thoughts and emotions well.

You can make use of support groups where you can share your concerns and learn from others. It may be necessary to take a break from your friendship so that you both can seek help. Both of you need to be willing to change things about yourself for the dynamics to change.

You and your friend can seek professional help to build resilience and other skills. Through individual counseling, you can build a healthy friendship. If you are ready for that step today, contact our office. We can set up an appointment to get you started with one of the therapists in our practice.

Photos:
“Proverbs”, Courtesy of Tim Wildsmith, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Friends”, Courtesy of Priscilla Du Preez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “I Am Enough”, Courtesy of Valeriia Miller, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Counseling Teen”, Courtesy of Andrej Lišakov, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Advice For the First Year of Marriage

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The first year of marriage is an exciting time. You finally married the love of your life. You’re excited about the future. You’re making plans, such as where you will live and when you plan to start a family.

But the first year of marriage can also be challenging. You are learning to live with one another and accept each other’s flaws. The newness begins to wear off, and you start to depend on each other for companionship.

Be prepared for the obstacles that may come along during your first year of marriage.

Advice for the First Year of Marriage

The first year of marriage can be rocky as you learn to lean on someone else while also maintaining your independence. This is the time to learn strategies in conflict resolution, anger management, and time management. Being on the same page regarding faith, household chores, finances, and expectations will go a long way in building a solid foundation for your relationship.

The following is a list of several tips for the first year of marriage.

Christian couples need Christ as the foundation

Christian couples need Jesus Christ as the foundation if they want to make it through the first year of marriage and beyond. Believers leading a Christ-led life will try to follow the principles Jesus taught and live by the fruit of the Holy Spirit. A home filled with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control is a home that people want to call home.

But you cannot fake the fruit of the Spirit. You may be able to convince someone that you have these qualities in the short term, but they will discover differently a few months into the marriage. Instead, foolproof your marriage by insisting that you both repent and give yourselves over to God and ask for the Holy Spirit to guide you both individually and as a couple.

Spend quality time together

Life gets busy, and it’s easy to take each other for granted. Don’t fall into that trap. Schedule quality time together. Make it part of your daily routine. This could be spending time watching television together or playing a game after dinner. It could be changing your work schedules to have Sundays off, so that the two of you can attend church and go out for an adventure afterward.

Guard your quality time. Others may ask for your time. Unless this is okay with your spouse, protect your time together.

But be your own person

Although quality time with your spouse is crucial for maintaining an emotional connection, you must also preserve your individuality. Pursue your own hobbies and interests, and encourage your spouse to do the same. For some couples, this may look like one person playing video games while the other reads on a Saturday morning. For other couples, it could be taking turns going out with friends.

Keep communication open when you plan to join friends or work on a hobby. Write it on a calendar that is posted where both of you can see it.

Keep yourselves honest

Don’t allow yourselves to go to bed while still angry. If you’re upset about something, tell your spouse how their actions made you feel. Don’t let emotions simmer until it feels like you might explode. Neither of you can read minds, so open communication is crucial.

Encourage honesty in your marriage. There may be times when honesty is painful, but it is essential for making informed decisions. For example, if your spouse feels that you are emotionally unavailable, don’t avoid the conversation. Find out why they think that way and seek counseling if you need it.

Place your relationship above all others

Learn to set boundaries in your relationship. Other people may try to intrude, especially initially, in the first year of marriage. In-laws may not understand why they cannot just stop over whenever they want. Establish boundaries with extended family and friends to protect your peace.

For example, you may need to set boundaries with family members about how late you will respond to a call or text message, or you may need to emphasize that they should call before stopping by your home. If you or your spouse always run errands for family members, you may need to allot a specific day and time to do this that does not interfere with your quality time.

Get on the same page with finances

Nothing triggers an argument like not being on the same page financially. If possible, discuss financial matters before marriage. Sit down and decide how you will manage bank accounts, savings, investments, and bill paying. Discuss large purchases with your spouse before making them and ensure that you both have access to the accounts.

Staying honest in marriage also extends to financial matters. If either of you has debt, work on it together. This is your first step to working as a team.

Practice patience

Little pet peeves can begin to break you down after the first few months of living together. Learn to practice patience. This might mean overlooking slights or helping your spouse through something they don’t understand. It means practicing empathy and putting yourself in their shoes.

If either of you has anger issues, seek help from a mental health professional. Anger management techniques learned during the first year of marriage will serve your relationship for decades to come.

Keep the romance alive

Part of your quality time together includes romance. Don’t get into a rut. Try new things and spice up your bedroom. Sometimes, just decluttering, cleaning, and redecorating the bedroom can give you a new lease of life in the romance area.

But romance is more than sex. You want to strengthen the emotional relationship you have. Make small gestures that show you love and appreciate your spouse. For example, make them a cup of coffee in the morning while they are getting dressed, or touch the small of their back as you walk by. It’s the little things that will keep you connected.

Support each other with household chores

No one really likes doing chores, but maintaining a clean and healthy home is essential for overall well-being. Support your spouse by helping out with chores. Some couples split chores between them, while others gravitate toward chores that their parents may have done.

Try to keep an open mind about chores. Perhaps your father only mowed the lawn once a week, while your mother cleaned the entire house and did the laundry. Neither of you is your parents, and you can manage your household in a way that best suits you and your schedules.

For example, you could keep a dry-erase board with a list of daily household tasks. When either of you has time, do a small task and check it off. Work as a team to keep a lovely and peaceful home.

Find help if you need it

Don’t be afraid to ask advice about marriage from people with long-lasting marriages. Often, pastors or older church members who have been married for decades can offer sound advice. Try to visit someone you trust as a couple. Never confide in someone of the opposite sex without your spouse with you. That could set you up for future problems.

If your church offers marriage counseling or a support group for newlyweds, consider joining. If not, you may locate support groups in your area. Alternatively, you can reach out to our counseling center to speak with a licensed marriage counselor.

Virtual Marriage Counseling Available

If you’re not sure how to approach your spouse about the above topics or need help in the first year of marriage and beyond, contact our office today. We will schedule a virtual session with a Christian counselor for you. If you prefer face-to-face sessions, those are also available. Call to get started today.

Photos:
“Just Married”, Courtesy of Frans Daniels, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Happy Couple”, Courtesy of Wesley Tingey, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Together”, Courtesy of Elahe Motamedi, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Cuddling Couple”, Courtesy of Lia Bekyan, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Experience the Difference: What a Christian Life Coach Can Do For You

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If you’ve come to this webpage, you are likely seeking care for unresolved wounds in your life, and if you’ve clicked on this article, you are probably searching for direction toward self-improvement in the hands of a coach who identifies with Christ.

With that in mind, I wanted to write to you about what you can expect from therapy, from life coaching, and especially from the subspecialty of Christian life coaching. I want to help you think through for yourself if the difference would be a noticeable enhancement in your journey.

What is therapy, and what is a Christian life coach?

First, let’s look at what these specialties are by definition and a few metaphors to further identify their typical look and function. Therapy, in the psychological world of healthcare, specifically refers to a professional-client relationship in which the professional delivers care that attends to the needs and mental wounds of the client.

The term “trauma” comes from the Greek for “wound,” and a therapist is in the field of mental wound care. Therapists share, teach, and model evidence-based, scientifically developed concepts and tools in a safe, positive, person-centered space and relationship.

In the metaphorical world of sports, a therapist may function like a physical therapist, helping the client recover from injuries suffered on the field so they can get cleared and back to their healthy athletic selves.

“Coach” was a word originally referring to a vehicle that would transport someone from one place to another. However, in the 1800s, it came to be used to refer to a professional who could help students through exams toward good grades. Now, a coach is widely recognized as a professional or amateur helper who helps bring students, athletes, clients, health patients, leaders, you name it, to higher functioning or personal enhancement in some area.

Metaphorically, a coach can be compared to a position-specific coach – such as a quarterback coach – who assists an athlete in refining movements, routines, or processes that enhance performance and skill. This support does not include addressing physical injuries, which remain the responsibility of a physical therapist.

The Christian Life Coach

But what about a Christian life coach? A Christian life coach can look at areas like business, nutrition, and career-finding just the same as a non-Christian life coach would, but the difference lies in their worldview and orientation to the client’s direction.

A Christian life coach may repurpose the skills and goals, reenvision the client’s sense of self in a new way, and point the client toward a somewhat dissimilar transformation process where goals and fulfillment are encountered in a Christian worldview.

A Christian life coach is like a quarterback coach (and therefore not a healer of injuries per se), but one that has an old, tested system for coaching the quarterback, who has different working premises of success, because that is the proven system in the coach’s mind for improving overall gameplay. To flesh that out, let’s take a look at a few more distinguishing characteristics of a Christian life coach.

A Christian life coach will draw wisdom from the Scriptures, prayer (both in and out of session), and incorporate spiritual disciplines and other effective coaching skills. Many Christian life coaches’ bio sections often use terminology like “help you with navigating” and “meeting you with compassion” through their coaching.

This highlights the humble approach of journeying alongside others in God’s world, drawing on the wisdom of scripture and spiritual practices, and sharing personal experiences of God’s faithfulness that have brought support and guidance in similar situations.

Non-Christian life coaches may use other phrases to describe themselves, such as “we will help you discover blind spots, re-examining old beliefs, and trying new things,” and (as to describe Tony Robbins – a huge figure in life coaching), “he set about gathering knowledge about success from the world’s best. He set out to help people become the best version of themselves, no matter their circumstances.”

A Christian life coach uses the Bible

So, one difference is the primacy of the Bible as source material that is elevated above other knowledge sources. Therefore, biblical life coaches will give the context of scripture verses that represent the thoughts and desires of God’s program for humanity to live fruitfully in this life. A Christian life coach who is worth their salt will endeavor to listen to their client’s heartfelt need and find applicable and contextually accurate verses that are God’s voice on the matter.

These scriptures may help clients find themselves in God’s design as valuable creations with a calling, clarifying the client’s identity in Christ, and encouraging them to pursue the Holy Spirit’s equipping and empowering role.

Clients will learn to set their values and passions in a creative and wider backdrop of right-sized, proper use of their gifts, and God’s presence here and now and forever forward as a promise of companionship and strength that He will always be faithful to carry out.

Prayer with a life coach can reveal areas of need, provide emotional grounding, and prepare clients to combine the truths of the Scriptures with the experience of the life coach, motivating them to act. Similarly, certain spiritual practices like fasting, solitude, generosity, and sabbath taking may be taught as a model of healthy life balance passed down from Old Testament heroes, from Jesus, and the early church.

Also, like a “Christian” quarterback coach, the Christian life coach may frame goals in ways that look less like elevating material success, fulfilling personal dreams, or aligning with an individual’s values and more like aligning with God’s will and calling, and promoting spiritual growth. As you can see, though these can overlap, in some ways, they can be qualitatively different.

Language used can also take on subtly different shades, which you may or may not like depending on your proclivity. Words like “surrendering,” “identity in Christ,” “God’s promises,” “providence,” and “control” may be more commonplace verbiage than in a secular life coaching session.

Also, decision-making processes and what makes them effective can have similarities and differences. A secular life coach (definition of secular being “present age minded”) may lean closer to scientific, deductive, even reductionistic models that start with a client’s logic and intuition and decide that a good decision will pay off when one can reasonably assume a good end or opportunity will arise from the decision.

A Christian life coach would similarly want a good ending to a decision, but what constitutes good for them may be defined only by what is godly (“No one is good but God alone.”). They will try to reverse engineer a good decision by first discerning God’s mindset on an issue through scripture and prayerful consideration. And then comes the question of how to create and maintain parameters that sustain good decision-making. We might call this accountability.

Accountability is thus grounded in the meaning-making structure that produces worthwhile goals. It then develops methods to help the client stay engaged and progress toward their goals, offering feedback and nudging the client back on track if they stray from their goals.

The Secular vs. the Christian Life Coach

This is where you may see a bigger difference between the secular and Christian orientations. The Christian life coach will nearly always believe in the objective nature of the meaning and truth of God’s world, and thus accountability has objective standards with which to weigh the client’s moves according to the Bible.

The secular life coach, will likely be agnostic or atheistic – at least, not faith based (which may be a whole other article to be written or researched if you are interested), will consider accountability as a concept grounded more on the client’s subjective will, desires to achieve or strive, or else be relaxed according to the client’s liking.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of similarities and differences, just the findings of one Christian therapist delving into the subject out of curiosity. I found myself using “Acceptance and Commitment Therapy” (developed by Steven Hayes), which I love and use often. It employs the discovery and commitment to deeply held values amid trials, pain, and the desire to avoid negativity as a pillar of its model for personal growth.

Integration

This posed an important question for me. If I use this theory with non-Christian, non-religious clients, who would almost all ascribe to beliefs or at least behaviors that reflect a subjective basis for meaning making, could I be catalyzing clients toward goals and behaviors that might ultimately separate them from a way of seeing life that needs God in it?

As I am slowly coming to believe that catalyzing clients’ awakening of old feelings and dreams about what brought them joy, a definition of identity, and a habit of moving forward in their life, can be useful and used by God as the client reawakens questions of who they were made to be.

Will those desires always neatly fit into prescribed Christian frameworks, let’s say, of healthy relationships, healthy recreation, and healthy work habits? No. But I believe that the question of what constitutes a purposeful life will eventually be used by God for growth and well-being in real life, with all of God’s tools and people working to inspire those who are not yet believers to consider the faith-filled, love-filled life God desires.

I am not a Christian life coach by training – the training and accreditation process for life coaching is different than traditional schooling processes for therapists or psychologists. However, there are programs and processes that life coaches can go through for greater specification and effectiveness. And you can and should always ask about that for your own benefit.

I love the godly promises-discovery process and the value defining process, and my therapy incorporates this to broaden healing (like the physical therapist healing the athletes torn hamstring) from past and present emotional and mental processing toward healing with value driven sights and plans built in (like a coach rooting you on the personal records and championships you desire).

Many (or at least, most) therapists will as well, by the way! But I just wanted to share that I love this stuff. Checking out and externally processing out my curiosities is part of my value system. Maybe that’s why I loved writing this piece. Dad joke beware.

Next Steps

If you’d like to start that journey of past, present, and future processing and growth with me, please feel free to reach out to reception at (949) 386-7178

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“Creating Plays”, Courtesy of Nguyen Thu Hoai, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Overcoming Fear of Mortality and Finding Peace

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There are moments in life when we are reminded of the reality that the Lord speaks of in Genesis – “…dust you are, and to dust you will return” (Genesis 3:19, NIV). Life is precious and fragile, and having that awareness can help us appreciate it more, not only for ourselves but also for others. Carrying a genuine appreciation for life can help us not only be grateful for every breath but also see things from a better perspective.

Most things are good in moderation, but unhelpful when overdone. The awareness of how fragile life is can spill over into a fear of death, with different results for how a person approaches their daily activities and tasks. The fear of our mortality can be a challenging anxiety that can disrupt daily living and trap you in unfruitfulness. It is possible to overcome this fear and find peace.

Understanding the Fear of Mortality

It’s important to get this out of the way – you are going to die someday. That day is unknown to us, but the Lord, who knows the end from the beginning, knows every page written in our book (Psalm 139:16). The fact that you and I have an end can be an overwhelming reality, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s an occasion to trust in the goodness of God, who manages our times and our lives. It doesn’t have to overtake us like a looming shadow.

The fear of mortality is also known as ‘thanatophobia’, or the fear of death. This fear or anxiety is rooted in a keen awareness of the fact that life will inevitably end, and that awareness can range from subtle to a blaring and ever-present reality that intrudes into everyday life. It can linger in the quiet moments as you reflect on your day, or it can manifest as severe panic attacks or obsessive behaviors designed to help avoid thoughts of death.

The fear of mortality can become an overwhelming sense of dread that can disrupt a person’s ability to work, go to school, or have healthy relationships with others. It can lead to ongoing anxieties about one’s health or the health of loved ones, which can be stressful as well as challenging for others to cope with.

The Causes of Fear of Mortality

Why do people fear their mortality? There’s a real sense in which it’s good for us to be aware of our mortality. That primal instinct to stay alive can help you remain alert as you cross the street or drive home from work. In small doses, it’s helpful, but it can become debilitating if it’s given its head.

People fear their mortality for several reasons, including a fear of the unknown. Being uncertain of what happens after death is unsettling, and fear can creep in to fill the gaps in our knowledge, making the unknown a terrifying prospect. Additionally, because death is something that’s ultimately beyond our control, it challenges our need for safety and for predictable things. We fear death because it’s beyond our power to contain or control it.

We also develop a fear of mortality precisely because we have strong emotional ties to loved ones, and we fear being separated from them. When we face life and all it has to offer, reflecting on our lives, their purpose, and meaning, can also trigger a deep existential anxiety about our limitations amid the vastness of space and time.

The reasons that a person develops a fear of mortality include the following:

Personal experiences As a person ages, they become more aware that our life under the sun isn’t forever; it is impermanent. Experiencing the death or serious illness of a loved one or having a near-death encounter can all trigger fears about mortality and our limitations. Experiences of trauma, abuse, or neglect can also contribute to fears about mortality.

Societal and cultural factors Our culture is one that often keeps unpleasant topics like aging, sickness, and death at the back of our minds, and out of sight. While we’re inundated with violent or graphic content in our media and entertainment that almost glorifies death, serious reflections about it that are somber and reflective are often lacking. Our societal and cultural norms about death shape us, and they can lead to a deficient view of death that’s unhelpful.

Spiritual and other beliefs Just as our culture and society shape our beliefs about death, your spiritual beliefs also influence your fear of mortality. Fear of judgment, for instance, can make death feel frightening. Having questions about the meaning and aim of life can also leave a person feeling anxious about what it all means and where it’s all going. Having robust, gracious, and meaningful answers can be a counter to such fears.

Mental health A person’s overall mental health can contribute to fears about mortality. For instance, if you’re struggling with depression or anxiety, you’re more likely to fear your limitations and mortality than not. The fears can become magnified, even when they aren’t justified or rational.

These and other reasons and factors can interact with each other to produce a fear of mortality that manifests in different ways in people’s lives.

How Fear of Mortality Affects a Person

When a person is afraid of death, that fear can impact their life in various ways. While it can increase their appreciation of their lives and the lives of their loved ones and reprioritizing things, it can easily become something else. It can result in avoidance behaviors, for instance. This could include avoiding certain places or situations that arouse the fear, including talking about death, going to a funeral, or visiting a loved one in a hospital.

For others, it can result in being risk-averse. Some people take excessive caution, not wanting to risk that something might happen. Trying new things might also get taken off the menu, as that could be too risky. They might become preoccupied with health to address any and all issues, leading to constantly monitoring every health indicator and seeking medical attention for minor concerns.

The awareness of mortality can bring about an existential dread that can be difficult to push through to allow a person to function well in daily life. Having persistent thoughts and worries about death can be a heavy weight to bear, and all this can make forming and maintaining healthy relationships difficult. Being intimate and maintaining a strong emotional connection with loved ones can become harder, straining relationships.

Fear of mortality can be positive, helping you appreciate life and your loved ones. It can help you reevaluate your priorities for the better, helping you make changes to align your life with what matters most. However, as shown above, it can also affect your life in other negative ways, hindering your daily functioning.

Overcoming a Fear of Death

A fear of mortality can be highly disruptive to your life, preventing you from doing the business of living and enjoying all that the Lord has provided us with. The teacher in the book of Ecclesiastes says the following:

Remember him – before the silver cord is severed, and the golden bowl is broken;
before the pitcher is shattered at the spring, and the wheel broken at the well, and the dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it – Ecclesiastes 12:6-7, NIV

The phrase ‘Remembering the Lord’ is full of rich meaning, but it entails reflecting on who God is, the nature of the world He created, and the role we have in it. Death is an enemy, an intruder into God’s good creation, but Jesus defeated death on the cross, and He rose again to new life. That resurrection is a ‘first fruits’, a glimpse into what the future holds for all who believe in Him, and also for the creation (1 Corinthians 15, Romans 8).

Remembering the Lord can help us begin reframing our understanding of death, but also what life is about. Using a holistic approach that combines biblical and Christian resources along with professional therapeutic tools, it’s possible to address the fear of mortality. Some of these tools include:

Reassurance from Scripture Passages like 1 Corinthians 15, Romans 8, John 11-12, Revelation 21-22, Philippians 1:18-26, 1 Thessalonians 4, and 2 Corinthians 5 all help believers reframe their understanding of life and death. God is sovereign over death, and the resurrection of Jesus changes absolutely everything. There is hope, even when it all seems dark and lifeless.

Prayer The Lord invites us to pray, to cast our anxieties on Him, and to trust that He can give us the peace we need. Instead of worrying, pray, turning your worries into requests and asking Him for His peace, which transcends understanding (Philippians 4:6-7; John 16:33).

Seeking help Professional help can be beneficial for identifying the source of fear. Through techniques like exposure therapy, it’s possible to become desensitized to the fear, and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you to identify and reframe irrational thoughts about death. It’s possible to face your fear, living courageously and with deep peace. Reach out for help from a Christian counselor to find comfort and wisdom in dealing with your fear.

Photos:
“Sun Through Clouds”, Courtesy of Diego PH, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Hourglass”, Courtesy of Nathan Dumlao, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Stairs”, Courtesy of Joe Beck, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Cross”, Courtesy of Aaron Burden, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Signs of a Toxic Relationship: How to Move Toward a Healthier Dynamic

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One of the most amazing gifts that the Lord has given us is the ability to form meaningful relationships with other people. Being able to share your life, your interests and passions, dreams, and all that you are with someone else can be an exhilarating experience. The moment of deep connection, of being understood and known, is unlike anything else. However, relationships do come with their own dangers.

Some of the deepest hurts we experience can come at the hands of those closest to us. These may be intentional or the result of thoughtless action, but the damage they can cause is incalculable. In an intimate relationship like a marriage or a committed romantic relationship, your sheer proximity and vulnerability to one another mean the wounds are often deeper, and there are more opportunities to inflict them.

If you’re in a toxic relationship, help is available to turn things around. It can be challenging to identify the harmful patterns in your relationship, own them, and begin making the necessary moves to turn things around.

What It Means to Be a Toxic Couple

When the Lord created us with the capacity to love others, what did He intend our relationships to be? At their best, relationships are a source of support, growth, spiritual edification, and flourishing. A healthy relationship can be for a person what a well-designed greenhouse is to a plant – a place of nurture, shelter, and the ability to flower and reach one’s full potential.

The storyline of the Bible tells us that something went horribly wrong, and when humans decided that they could name and discern what is good for themselves, things went off the rails (Genesis 3). The problem with each of us deciding what is good in our own eyes means that there can be a conflict between different ideas of what is ‘good’. When people pursue what’s good for them, it might not always be what’s good for others, too.

Relationships between people can become marked by deep dysfunction, destructive behaviors, and harm, whether emotional or physical. These patterns of dysfunction are what make a relationship toxic. Every couple has struggles, areas of disagreement, and challenges. Conflict is a part of every relationship, but there are healthy ways of navigating this conflict that don’t undermine well-being.

A toxic couple is not a couple that has occasional disagreements. Rather, a couple becomes toxic when they have persistent patterns of relating to each other that erode respect, love, and a foundation of mutual understanding. These patterns undermine the well-being of both parties, making it vital to be able to identify these patterns.

Signs You Might Be in a Toxic Relationship

A relationship is a little like a small ecosystem, where you have certain reliable patterns of behavior and ways of communicating with each other. You can become quite used to communicating or acting a certain way, and the oddity of what you’re doing might only emerge when you’re around other people.

There are some surprising signs of a toxic relationship, along with some more commonplace ones, including the following:

Walking on eggshells To maintain what feels like a fragile peace, one or both of you constantly tiptoe around each other’s emotions or behaviors, not wanting to stir up conflict or disagreements. A person might walk on eggshells out of fear of being physically or verbally abused by their partner.

Feeling drained or exhausted Instead of invigorating you, your relationship and interactions with each other leave you feeling physically exhausted or emotionally drained. Similarly, if you’re consistently anxious or stressed when you think about the relationship or interact with your partner, you may be in a toxic relationship.

Doubting your perceptions As we get older, we can become forgetful, and stress can affect us in strange ways, too. However, if your partner leads you to begin questioning your own reality, including your memories, feelings, thoughts, or opinions, that’s something much deeper and possibly abusive. Another word for this is “gaslighting.”

Emotional manipulation Another sign of toxic behavior is emotional manipulation, which is when a person uses anger, emotional withdrawal, guilt, self-pity, or other passive-aggressive means of expressing themselves as ways of controlling your behavior.

Criticism and contempt Instead of constructive criticism, your partner frequently criticizes you and makes you feel bad about yourself. Unhealthy criticism is the sort that is laced with sarcasm, belittling comments, and disdain. A lack of regard for each other, which can show up as contempt, is a clear sign of a toxic dynamic in a relationship.

Violating boundaries Boundaries help you maintain your individuality by demarcating where you end and another person begins. They also allow you to recognize your needs and when you need to meet them for your well-being. If you consistently disregard one another’s boundaries or ignore reasonable and stated needs, that is also suggestive of a toxic relationship.

Feeling isolated A form of toxic behavior includes controlling and manipulating one’s partner. These limits include limiting the other’s friendships, autonomy, personal growth, or movements. You may feel like you’re being isolated from loved ones or activities that you enjoy.

Not feeling heard Your partner doesn’t listen to you, or they aren’t responsive to or receptive to your perspective. In a similar vein, if your partner is dismissive of your concerns or is defensive when you try and raise issues, that is also a toxic pattern of behavior.

Unresolved conflict In a healthy relationship, issues are discussed and resolved in a way both parties can live with. A relationship in which issues aren’t resolved or are avoided altogether is problematic. Unresolved conflict can result in feelings of resentment and create emotional distance between the couple.

Lack of trust If a relationship is (unjustly) marked by frequent accusations, secrecy, and jealousy, that also points to a toxic relationship. These behaviors hinder intimacy and a sense of emotional security.

Codependency When boundaries aren’t maintained, that can lead to all sorts of problems, such as codependency. A couple can end up having an unhealthy reliance on each other, for the sake of their self-worth, emotional stability, or even their sense of identity. One possible outcome is compromising one’s values, identity, or interests to maintain the relationship, which is a toxic dynamic.

Being able to identify these signs of a toxic relationship can be a helpful first step for a couple seeking healing and a healthier relationship.

The Impact of a Toxic Relationship

A toxic relationship affects both individuals. Being the target of demeaning or critical comments affects you, undermining your confidence. In a different but related way, being overly critical and humiliating another person also warps your own soul, deforming you and your ability to display the image of God. We were made for love – to love and be loved – and toxic relationships rob us of that (Matthew 22:36-40; 1 John 3:11-24).

Some of the psychological and emotional consequences of a toxic relationship include low self-esteem, a distorted sense of self and self-worth, and mental health challenges like anxiety and depression.

When a person feels trapped in a toxic relationship, it can lead to feelings of isolation from the Lord. Being embroiled in constant conflict, being verbally or physically abused, or having one’s potential stifled can overshadow your journey and relationship with the Lord.

Lastly, a toxic relationship affects the couple directly, but its effects can ripple outward for generations to come, toward family, friends, or the couple’s children. Toxic behaviors can shape unhealthy ways of relating to others for the next generation, and that generation shapes the next, and so on.

Steps Toward a Healthier Relationship

When a couple has toxic patterns in their relationship, that’s not necessarily a death knell for their relationship. If there is a willingness to change, with intentional effort, support, and the transformative power of the gospel, the Lord can restore the relationship.

Self-reflection is a good place to start. Look through the signs of a toxic relationship and consider the patterns in your relationship. It’s important to take ownership of your behavior and not simply point out what the other party has done or is doing. As a couple, you must commit to growth together to overcome toxic patterns.

Another step is to have honest conversations where you can both express your feelings and concerns without being afraid of retaliation or judgment. Being able to listen well and with empathy is an important skill to learn and apply.

In any relationship, trust is an essential part of what makes the relationship work. When trust is broken, the only way to rebuild it is through transparency and consistent action that demonstrates trustworthiness. If apologies are made, they must be genuine and followed up with action. Trust is also rebuilt when forgiveness has been extended and there is an opportunity for another chance.

By setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, you can nurture respect and safety in the relationship. This work, and the work of learning how to deal with conflict effectively, growing in your communication abilities, can happen as you walk with a Christian counselor. Your counselor can provide you with guidance and effective strategies tailored to your situation and aimed at helping you develop a healthy and nurturing relationship.

To learn more about healing a toxic relationship through counseling, contact our office today. The Christian counselors in our network can help you develop a healthy and God-honoring relationship again.

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“At Odds”, Courtesy of Keira Burton, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Argument”, Courtesy of Keira Burton, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Unhappy Couple”, Courtesy of Vera Arsic, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Argument”, Courtesy of Alena Darmel, Pexels.com, CC0 License

Helping a Loved One with Anger Problems

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Seeing someone you love struggling with something is one of the hardest things to go through. Not only do you feel helpless, but it can also feel painful, saddening, and anxiety-inducing to witness suffering. When your loved one is dealing with anger problems, it’s also likely that those struggles are spilling over onto other people, including you. They may hurt you, intentionally or otherwise.

When it comes to a loved one struggling with anger problems, you aren’t entirely helpless. While they are primarily responsible for handling their own emotions, you can play an important supportive role in their journey.

What are anger problems?

It should be said that feeling anger is not always the problem. Some people work hard not to feel angry, partly because of the negative associations that anger has for them, and perhaps because feeling angry doesn’t always feel good. Anger can be extremely damaging, for the person feeling it, and for the people who experience an outpouring of that anger. It’s no wonder many people are wary of anger.

However, it’s also true that our emotions serve a purpose, and that includes anger. It’s quite likely that you’ve experienced someone expressing their anger before, except that you probably missed it because it was a healthy expression of anger. A person can assert themselves and their feelings of anger in a calm and collected manner. These expressions of anger aren’t sensational, and they often go unnoticed.

Having anger problems doesn’t merely mean that you felt angry because of this or that thing. It can be okay to feel angry because anger helps to alert us when our boundaries have been violated, or when something or someone we care about is under threat. Having anger problems means struggling with unrighteous anger, to the point where that anger negatively affects you and the people around you.

Anger Problems in The Wild – Some Signs to Look Out for

Feeling angry isn’t enough to qualify you as having anger issues. There’s a need for something more than that. Some of the signs that a person has anger problems include the following:

Problematic anger Anger that is wrongly motivated, directed at the wrong object, disproportionate to its cause, out of control, prevents forgiveness, or fuels thoughts or intentions of revenge, is unrighteous anger. Unrighteous anger is a sin that must be repented of. If this kind of anger characterizes you, then you are showing signs and symptoms of an anger problem.

Broken relationships Anger can lead a person to say and do things that are damaging to others. If you shout at your children, curse your neighbor or spouse, or say things that hit at people’s vulnerabilities, one probable result is you’ll damage those relationships irreparably. Anger can short-circuit clear thinking, and you may regret the things you say when you’re feeling angry and not thinking clearly.

Legal problems In the same vein, being angry and expressing it by shouting, cursing, hitting, or acting out anger on people or their property leads to trouble. That trouble could be in the form of getting arrested for causing injury to others or property. If a person gets into legal trouble for things they did because of anger, that strongly points to anger problems.

Persistent presence Anger is one of those emotions that ought to come and go. That’s because if you’re feeling angry all the time, it can damage your health, and it points to an unhelpful frame of mind and the inability to deal well with provocations. If you feel angry a lot, or if little things make you angry, and if anger is one of the emotions you commonly experience, you have symptoms of anger problems.

Being afraid of your anger Feelings of anger shouldn’t be something you’re afraid of. However, a person who finds themselves afraid of what they’ll do when they are angry shows signs of anger issues.

Poor expression Anger, like our other emotions, is meant to be expressed (when expressed) in a healthy way. Some of the poor expressions of anger have already been detailed, but another sign of anger issues is turning anger inward or expressing it passively. Passive expressions of anger could include sulking, being sarcastic, procrastinating, stonewalling, and being non-communicative.

These are some of the signs of anger problems that are easier to pick out. Other signs might not be so easy for you to pick out in another person. For example, anger can often result in physical symptoms such as tense muscles, increased heart rate, and headaches. These may be harder to identify in another person, but they have an impact on the person who’s feeling angry.

How a Loved One’s Anger Affects Them, and You

Many things are highly personal but not private, and anger is one of them. When a person gets angry at another person, that will affect how they respond to them, as well as their attitude toward them. Jesus picks up on this in the Sermon on the Mount, highlighting how destructive anger can be because it can lead you to denigrate someone made in God’s image (Matthew 5:21-26).

Your loved one’s anger affects them, but that anger doesn’t stay contained; it also affects you, in subtle as well as other ways. To begin with, anger affects your loved one’s health and well-being. The strain that anger puts on the human body can be problematic if a person is chronically angry. Anger can increase stress levels, the risk of heart disease, and the risk of conditions like diabetes, etc.

When a loved one can’t control their anger, it often results in them lashing out. When you break relationships with others, it can lead to increased isolation. If you have an anger outburst at work, you could damage relationships with clients and colleagues, leading to getting fired. Loss of income and diminishing job prospects due to anger can lead to financial problems that are hard to get out of.

The same goes for the legal problems that could result from anger problems. Damaging property or hurting another person could result in a fine, community service, and being ordered to go for anger management classes. If it’s severe enough, you could end up seriously hurting or even killing someone, which would mean serious jail time at a minimum. A person can alter the entire trajectory of their life because of one decision made in anger.

One of the ways your loved one’s anger affects you is that you might be in a position to see its detrimental effects on them. Seeing your loved one’s health fail, relationships flounder, and work opportunities dwindle because of anger problems can be heartbreaking.

Another way that your loved one’s anger may harm you is when it is directed at you. Being verbally or physically abused can cause untold damage to a person, including affecting your sense of safety, undermining your self-esteem, and increasing your risk of anxiety and depression, to name a few. Being in a relationship with them feels uncomfortable, and it can feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells around them.

How to Help a Loved One with Anger Problems

When your loved one has anger problems, one of the important things to remember is that you aren’t responsible for their emotions. A person is responsible for how they feel and how they act on those feelings. It can be tempting to take responsibility when you shouldn’t, which places an unnecessary burden on you while ignoring your loved one’s responsibility for their actions, and hindering their ability to manage their own emotions.

In the main, the role you can play in your loved one’s life is as a support. You can help them by gently and lovingly pointing out the problem to them. You can encourage them to talk about what’s going on and allow them to communicate their angry feelings. This should be done within limits; for instance, they can share how they feel, but that doesn’t mean they can shout at you and be abusive.

Another thing that you can do is to model what healthy communication looks like. By setting an example and having clear boundaries, you can show, and not just tell, your loved one what it looks like to express anger in a healthy manner. Setting boundaries and looking after your well-being is not only a good example but it’s needed whenever you’re trying to care for someone. You need room to rest and recuperate.

Lastly, you can encourage them to get help. This is a decision that they must make, but you can motivate them by explaining why it’s a good decision.

If they do reach out to an anger management therapist for help, there are other ways to provide support, including helping them with the exercises their therapist gives them and encouraging them to attend sessions consistently. With help from a professional, your loved one can learn to bring their anger under control.

Photos:
“Disagreement”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Fight”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Stressed”, Courtesy of Matteo Vistocco, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “A Shoulder to Lean On”, Courtesy of Toimetaja Tolkeburoo, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Healing for a Broken Family

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No family is immune to problems. The dynamics of one family may not work for another. When situations come up that cause emotional damage, it can be challenging to navigate the healing process. In some cases, the damage may lead to estrangement. When this happens, it is often called a broken family. Having unhealthy relationships can also fall into this category. There is hope for healing a broken family.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. – 1 Peter 4:8, NIV

Having a broken family can leave scars. Family relationships break in such an extreme manner that it may seem impossible to fix. These broken relationships tend to leave people feeling abandoned. Acknowledging the cause is the first step on the road to healing for a broken family.

Understanding What Breaks a Family

The brokenness that families experience is not easily defined. What breaks one family could strengthen another. It’s a matter of understanding the core dynamic of the family as a whole. This could include heritage, culture, and spiritual beliefs.

A devastating loss There are times that the loss of a family member can cause a family to become estranged and broken. When there is a loss it affects every person in different ways. When the family faces the loss they must learn a new dynamic. This isn’t always easy. Grief can cause many emotions and until it is processed it is hard to understand how to navigate healing as a broken family.

Disregard for boundaries This is typical between parents and children or siblings. Each family member needs to respect and understand the boundaries that are present. Boundaries aren’t a way of saying “I don’t need you in my life.” They are in place to create a healthy lifestyle.

Abuse Family members who have faced abuse often choose to sever relationships. Whether it is physical or sexual abuse, the pain becomes a challenge to overcome for that person.

Control issues Parents don’t always intend to be controlling. Most of the time they are trying to make sure their children are getting what they need to thrive. When it carries over into the child’s personal life it can cause a relationship to become severed.

Financial issues Finances play a big part in our lives. As children, we depend on our parents financially. When we aren’t instructed on the positive ways to manage money we can find ourselves in a dysfunctional home due to financial hardships.

Difference in faith and other beliefs Family members don’t always have the same beliefs. This can cause a severed relationship when there is a lack of respect for each other’s chosen faith or political beliefs.

Issues with mental health When family members struggle with mental health issues it can result in estrangement. To find healing in a broken family due to mental health issues those issues must be addressed. This could also involve a family session to identify the way to navigate the relationships.

Disregarding the act of apologizing Deciding to navigate healing the relationship is a big step. If this choice is met with a disregard for apologizing, then the broken relationship becomes harder to mend.

What can heal a broken family?

Healing begins with awareness. Taking time to understand what caused the hurt and if there is a way to repair the damage is one step in the journey to navigate healing for a broken family. It won’t happen overnight, but with intentional choices, it can become healed. This choice isn’t something that comes from one side of the relationship. Both parties must be willing to pursue the pathway to healing.

Have a conversation about the issue

Having a hard conversation about what happened is the place to start. Without understanding what happened there is no way to understand what needs to be done to repair the damage. Honest and open communication is the best way to accomplish this conversation. This conversation includes listening as much as speaking. Be intentional about the conversation.

Stay away from the blame game

Trying to lay the blame on each other doesn’t lead to healing. Most of the time, it will only cause even more resentment and sever the relationship. It is understandable to want to find a place to put the blame, but the simple fact is we are all human. As humans we make mistakes and in most instances of broken relationships, it is not a one-sided issue.

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. – Romans 13:8, NIV

Extend forgiveness and walk in patience

Healing comes from forgiveness. Giving and seeking forgiveness entails patience. It takes time to understand each person’s role in the situation. People don’t change overnight so we have to be patient as we allow each other to examine our hearts and understand our actions.

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. – Matthew 6:14, NIV

Work on restoring trust and relationship harmony

Just as families can find themselves out of harmony with each other, they can restore that peace. It takes work on the part of each individual in the family. This requires motivation, knowledge, persistence, and acknowledgment of the reality that no one is perfect. When the balance is restored the trust will likely be restored as well. Remember, something that becomes broken won’t look like it did before the damage. This doesn’t mean it can’t be fixed.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. – Ephesians 4:31-32, NIV

More tips to help heal broken families

There are ways to implement the above strategies to help heal the brokenness.

  • Establish acceptable behavior expectations.
  • Don’t expect behavior that hasn’t been taught.
  • Understand family behavior patterns.
  • Set clear boundaries for honest communication.
  • Understand that you cannot fix a person’s behavior.
  • Define and share the expected emotional needs.
  • Engage in a body of Christ that can be supportive and loving.
  • Maintain the view of equality among adults.
  • Understand that God wants to see the family restored.
  • Pray together as a family.
  • Read and meditate on God’s Word.
  • Continue to seek to love as God loves.
  • Seek professional help from a Christian counselor.

When the Relationship is Over

The reality is that there are times when even after doing all the things to navigate toward healing, the relationship is over. Even though there has been forgiveness and acceptance, there are people who may choose to remain estranged. This is not to say that person is wrong. Sometimes it is best that boundaries mean a distant relationship.

When a family member chooses to end a relationship the only thing that you are in control of is your reaction to that decision. You must understand that you aren’t to blame for their choice. Once you have pursued the avenue of forgiveness, it is up to them whether or not they receive that extended hand of forgiveness.

You don’t have to expect anything from them nor do you have to keep a space for them in your emotional well-being. The constant stress about a relationship that is over is not healthy mentally, emotionally, or physically.

It is okay to let go of that relationship and give it space when you can navigate the issues. Otherwise, you may find you continue to experience anxiety from the stress of trying to pretend everything is fine.

Next Steps: Christian Family Counseling

Every family has a problem to face on occasion. The ability of the family to navigate those problems without becoming estranged depends on how the dynamics of that family work. There are instances when it doesn’t matter how well the family gets along, there are issues that cause severe damage. Understanding how to navigate the hurts of a broken family takes patience and willingness.

If you feel like you need help with navigating how to heal as part of a broken family, reach out to us at California Christian Counseling. Your counselor can create a Scripture-based plan of treatment to help you navigate the hurt and emotions that you may be facing.

See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. – Hebrews 12:15, NIV

Photos:
“Mother and Daughter”, Courtesy of knuckles_echidna, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Crying Man”, Courtesy of victoruzihben, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Couple Hugging”, Courtesy of lambhappiness, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Holding Hands”, Courtesy of Pexels, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; 

How Trauma Therapy Can Help with the Avoidance of Pain

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We have all stubbed a toe or sprained an ankle, gotten bitten or sunburned at some point in the last month. The instant ouch, the resounding throb, and tender joints for days are common for most ordinary people, and the more extreme and active you are, the more likely those will become.

Most of us have also eaten a new delicacy or old favorite, and gotten sick enough to throw it up due to food poisoning, and in future days, months, even decades for some, become so averse to the food, we completely avoid it.

Emotional Pain

Sometimes emotional pain caused by mistreatment while a child, difficult, frightening and uncontrollable things, feeling physical pain above the threshold of toleration, or being inappropriately touched or betrayed by someone, can make our bodies and minds respond similarly, just like becoming averse to food, or nervousness about playing that sport again in case your ankle might hurt again.

We are instinctively averse to things that cause us pain. A conversation about healthy fear versus unhealthy fear and healthy stress response and unhealthy stress response is valid. But for now, we can assert it is true that a powerful force in our mind prompts us to take special note of pain and quickly choose options to deal with it somehow.

Some of the ways we deal with emotional pain are suppressing our feelings, addiction, denial when it comes up, walling ourselves off from more pain or situations, fantasy and daydreaming, and other kinds of avoidance.

What we get from these are anxiety, a feeling of lurking feelings underneath the surface, and hopeless, cynical, antisocial, or isolative behavior. The problem with these is that none of them deal with root causes. All of them look to reduce or avoid symptoms.

Broken Cisterns

In Jeremiah 2:13, God tells the prophet Jeremiah about his people Israel: “For my people have committed two evils: They have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out for themselves cisterns, broken cisterns that can hold no water.”

We can see a parallel to the broken cisterns that can hold no water, to those instances of avoiding pain, our rushed way of acting, but not getting to the root solution. Historically, cisterns were reservoirs or wells that would be built to hold and contain water. God used this metaphor to point out to His people that certain avenues and choices will never truly satisfy and comfort us or support us with the right provision of healing.

Ice cream is great for celebration, but not great for reducing the pain of rejection from people. Leaving in a hurry and swearing at someone to get away might be useful if being chased by an assailant, but not if you need to work a thorny issue with a family member. There is a reason and a season for things that make something an applicable or not-so-applicable choice to cope. The same goes for emotional, mental, and spiritual pain.

What is trauma therapy?

Let’s now take this philosophical topic and distill it to the psychological topic you came here for; how trauma therapy (“trauma” being the Greek word for wound, and so trauma therapy is the attending to the wound) can intersect with pain and help the sufferer face it and cope with it in the right way.

For nearly every theory proposed, tested, and verified in modern therapy, some theorists looked at basic questions like what unhealthiness is, what healthiness is, and useful thinking and feeling, and what is the vehicle of change to go from unhealthy to healthy.

Many theorists looked long and hard at how pain, wounding, fear, and negative habits of the past shaped people’s decision-making, defense mechanisms, and worldviews. They also proposed what they believed were common traits of healthy thinking, responses, and outlooks, and then went to work to derive hypotheses and develop interventions that could become vehicles of change toward healing in some way.

Some looked at reducing the pain and negative symptoms, while others looked at becoming more flexible and accepting negative feelings, and changing one’s outlook about them.

Types of Trauma Therapy

Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

For example, TFCBT (trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy), which is an evidence-backed theory for how to help children and teens experiencing symptoms of post-traumatic stress, has a particular understanding of trauma and how to heal.

The theory lays out an eight-step protocol that starts with educating caregivers about trauma, teaching relaxation skills for a body wracked by trauma, acknowledging emotions around pain and loss for kids, helping enhance adaptive thinking about events, thoroughly describing events through one’s narrative and then incorporating these skills into day-to-day life with the help and support of a support network.

According to this theory, you must come face to face with the wound and address it in trauma therapy, learning new ways to calm the body, understanding the normal mental reactions to trauma, making sense of it, and beginning to readjust to living in the presence of or in the wake of a painful event.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy

Another evidence-based method is called Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which is effective for individuals experiencing big overwhelming feelings in relationships, outbursts, and/or addictions, and also looks to address suffering and the conditions that drive us to act in unwanted ways.

1“Radical Acceptance,” a sub theory in this method, suggests that until we wholly accept that a trauma or a wrongdoing occurred in all its detail, we will get stuck in suffering, thinking about why or why not, and why me. While not accepting what happened is understandable initially, over time, it becomes problematic.

The answer this theory offers, is to hold our emotions hand-in-hand with logic and cold hard realities, and find a middle ground of wise behavior called “wise mind” thinking, which listens to the feelings, needs, and urges of the emotional side and balances them with acceptance of fact, to synthesizes them into a new, more adaptive way of thinking. In this theory, neither trying to medicate away feelings nor accepting reality without feeling would benefit healing.

Acceptance And Commitment Therapy

Yet another evidence-based theory called Acceptance and Commitment therapy was based on its founder, Steven Hayes’ experience of having his panic attacks get worse the more he tried to avoid the panic he felt in those moments.

He came to realize that befriending the fearful thoughts, recognizing they were a part of him but not him in totality, and reminding himself of his values and desired path of life that he was committed to, even amid that pain, helped him come out the other side. Flexibility came when there was more than just one way to handle pain, so that he could accept it, and move on, learning along the way and staying true to his beliefs.

12-Step Groups

Lastly thinking of all 12-step groups which have been proven effective over many decades, acknowledging pain and the past, not shutting the door on it, and committing to a plan of action with steps that improve your relationship to yourself, to God and other people, has assisted millions of addicts twisted by avoidance of pain become people reforming into witnesses to their pain but in recovery toward wholeness as recovering addicts.

The Common Factor

What do all these approaches have in common? They don’t advocate avoiding pain in the healing process; they offer strategies to heal through the moments and seasons with pain in it, with acceptance, a different vision, and tools to emerge resilient and more of yourself than you would be if merely avoiding pain.

And still, I want to escape. I still want to escape pain, sadness, and wounding. I want to throw my hands up and ask, “Why?” And that’s okay – it’s human. But the question is whether I can refocus after I acknowledge the real pain I feel so that I can recover.

Bringing back the theological aspect, what might be God’s desire for my handling of this situation? Do we believe that God works all things into our lives for a reason to yield a certain result, if not desiring pain, at least allowing it?

Tim Keller, a renowned late pastor and writer, shared about a time he talked with a psychiatrist friend of his who was feeling stuck in a rut with his psychiatric training. He said one day he looked at his massive textbook and asked, “What if I read this textbook for Christ?”

Suddenly, the friend said, he was thirsty to learn, compare, make connections and insights for treatment out of a sense that he was learning for Christ, thus the fulness of his work was coming out of his response to the question “What if there is more to this textbook than a textbook?”

What if there is more to pain than pain? Keller also goes on in other sermons to describe how the secularized post-modern Western world has precious few resources for explaining, dealing with, and enduring distress. Since, in most of Western culture, pain is meaningless, it should be avoided as an ultimate evil, right?

Christ, as detailed in the Gospels, gave another view. That there “will be trouble” in the world, that pain and sin are inevitable, but that we should ask for deliverance from them at the same time.

As the Serenity Prayer (credited to a 1920’s German preacher Reinhold Niebuhr and read at many 12 step groups around the world) says, the prayerful person asks to start “Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.”

Trauma Therapy Reconsidered

Let us synthesize all of this. In the theology of pain and the healing therapies, we see both a universal issue and helpful ways through it. Be it Dialectical “Radical Acceptance,” CBT reorientation and resilience in facing hard things, or the twelve steps of becoming willing to accept a new path rather than the old one of avoidance and addiction, we see a strange, foreign theme emerge.

This theme is in contrast to avoiding pain and distress at all costs, which the world and our instincts ironically tell us is unavoidable. It is a theme of not clearing out from pain, but grasping it, acknowledging hardship and caring for ourselves in the midst of it, and taking the world as it is, not as we would have it, because that avoidance – that wishing for an alternative reality – keeps us in more pain and bitterness.

One last spiritual picture: If you are not familiar with the story of Job, it is a biblical account that starts with Satan coming to God and requesting to make life difficult for one of God’s chosen people, a blameless and upright man named Job. Satan, the accuser, tries to prove to God that Job, faced with stress, insult, fear, and pain, will surely curse God and not act blameless, for Job was only trusting God (said Satan), because of God’s kindness and material blessings.

What we see instead is a man who endured pain, but cried out to God in anger, but the key phrase is that he cried out “to God.” Job was a man who, though he experienced the pain, remembered to fix his eyes on God, and had faith that God can take our experience and raw expressions of pain and can provide healing and strength through it, not around it.

And the three therapies and the 12-step philosophy listed above all touch on different ways of bearing up underneath the burden of pain in this same way, attending to it rather than avoiding it.

Photo:
“Napping”, Courtesy of Daniel Martinez, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Embracing the Joys and Challenges of Being Adoptive Parents

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Children are a gift from the Lord, and they come into our lives in various ways. Being a parent may be a difficult and beautiful calling and task, but few things in life feel as meaningful. You may have become a parent via adoption or by birth, but your child is your child, and they are a part of your family and your life.

Adoption is a beautiful way of welcoming a child into your family, but like most things in life, becoming adoptive parents has its joys and challenges.

The Joys of Welcoming a Child Into Your Family

Adding a child into your life, whether biological or adoptive, can bring many unknowns. But at its core, it is the joyful process of adding another member to the family. Watching a child grow and learn is unlike any other experience.

Some of the joys of being adoptive parents include:

Providing a safe and loving home The child you’re adopting can come from any number of circumstances and family history. Every child deserves the love of a family. One of the joys of being an adoptive parent is in providing a welcoming, lifelong home to a child. Being able to provide a safe household with loving parents is a huge blessing that the child is being made part of.

Being able to raise a child Your own story leading into adoption is unique, but families that choose to adopt often do so because of challenges such as infertility. This can bring grief. Adopting a child allows a family to realize their dream of raising a child.

Experiencing new cultures and traditions An international or cross-cultural adoption may be what best fits your family and situation. This provides unique responsibilities, including learning about your child’s birth culture and identity so that you can answer your child’s questions, and also so that you can walk with them if and when they decide to explore it further.

Becoming a multicultural or interracial family means that the whole family must adjust, learn, and grow to make the family a truly welcoming space for everyone, just as it would with another child.

Challenges of Being Adoptive Parents

Though there are significant joys to being an adoptive parent, there are some challenges to be mindful of as well. Some of these include:

The adoption process itself One of the first challenges an adoptive parent needs to reckon with is the process of adoption itself. The process can be complicated, expensive, and take a long time to bring to completion whether you’re doing it domestically or internationally.

If you’ve adopted a child through foster care, you may have had a difficult journey with the child’s biological family as well. It’s important to maintain a relationship when possible but that can be difficult for both your family and your child.

Grief and loss For the child who’s being adopted, leaving their foster parents or caregivers behind, and moving to a new city or country can cause grief. That grief may manifest as sadness, but also as tantrums, angry outbursts, or other forms of maladaptive behavior. In addition to the child’s grief, you may deal with secondary trauma based on your journey as an adoptive parent.

People’s unhelpful or inappropriate questions When your adoptive child doesn’t look like you or your partner, your family may be exposed to questions that run the gamut from well-intentioned, to malicious, and from mildly inappropriate and uncomfortable to way over the line.

In these and other situations where you are exposed to people’s unhelpful curiosity, you and your child don’t need to respond to every question. It’s important to talk with your child before these comments come up about how they would like you to respond or how you can respond together as a family.

Building secure attachments Your adoptive child has experienced at least one disruption to their attachment, and they may have been in a situation where their needs were not consistently met. All this can lead to having an insecure attachment. By being consistent and predictable, adoptive parents can help their children develop healthier attachments to them and others.

Recognizing your adoptive child’s birth family and culture The fact that your child was born to other parents can be a source of insecurity and anger in your family. Your child’s curiosity about where they come from may feel uncomfortable for you, but it’s important to respect that curiosity and share the information you have in an age-appropriate way.

It also helps for you to be curious about, as well as provide opportunities for the child to experience, their birth culture and identity. One strategy that may be helpful is to have regular check-ins with your child about their thoughts and questions related to their birth family. In these conversations, work on creating a safe environment for your child to express themselves without fear of judgment around their questions and thoughts.

Feeling alienation An adoptive child may feel like they aren’t truly part of the family, and these feelings may be heightened if there is a history of abandonment and neglect in their background. It can also be a challenge to knit together your biological and adoptive children into a cohesive whole, especially if your adoptive child enters the family when your biological children are a little older or the birth order is disrupted in some way.

These challenges in no way suggest that being an adoptive parent is necessarily more difficult than being a biological parent. Each child is different, and their unique set of needs also differs. Parenting requires creativity, perseverance, and boldness. It stretches you beyond your capacities sometimes, but in our parenting as in anything else, we can rely on God’s joy, grace, and strength to help us.

One of the gifts a parent can pass on to their child is the gift of the gospel. The Lord places children in our care so that we can nurture them and mold their character. A person’s personality is shaped by their DNA, but their character and whether they are people of virtue is determined by nurture. The child in your care, whether they are there by adoption or by birth, has the opportunity to know the Lord Jesus through you and how you nurture them.

Embracing All of Life As Adoptive Parents

Journeys in life aren’t meant to be taken alone. Parenting is rewarding but can be exceptionally hard. The journey to becoming an adoptive parent can be difficult, and part of how you can embrace that difficulty is to embrace others who are making or have made the same journey. Adoption communities are a great source of support for adoptive parents, and they can share their experiences and wisdom.

It’s also important that you understand that just as any other family faces its challenges as it goes through various transitions, your family is also undergoing challenges. Some parents experience struggles with adapting to their new role as parents and might question their ability to raise this new child in their lives.

These are real challenges even for biological parents, and they can be addressed in part by adjusting one’s expectations, settling into the role, and deepening the bond with the child by spending consistent time with them. Parenting classes can also help address concerns and provide tools for new parents.

It also helps to remember that you can’t always control how other people react or respond to you and your child. People can make hurtful or insulting remarks without knowing it. If you know that questions will come, it helps to be prepared to face these types of comments and questions, and you can also help your child prepare to answer them as well. Doing so can make a huge difference in the ability to deal with the situation and take things in stride.

Through open communication with your child, and by being supportive, consistent, present, and curious, you can set your family up for success. Having consistent routines, building new family traditions, and embracing and retelling your story as a complex family can all help you appreciate the family the Lord has given you.

Raising a child requires humility; it can be difficult to come to your wits’ end and say, “I just don’t know”. Coming to the end of your knowledge doesn’t mean that you’re not a good parent. It simply means you’re a human being who has an area to grow and develop in. It’s important when we reach those points to be willing to seek help. I mentioned adoptive communities earlier; these are great spaces to find help and support on your parenting journey.

Christian Counseling for Adoptive Parents in Newport Beach, California

You can also seek help in the form of Christian family counseling in Newport Beach, California. A Christian family counselor in Newport Beach can help your child and family if there are issues such as adjusting to the new situation or overcoming abandonment and neglect issues.

Your counselor can help you devise effective strategies to nurture your child and cultivate a healthy home environment that allows your whole family to thrive. Contact us today at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to schedule an appointment.

Photos:
“Mother and Child”, Courtesy of Zach Lucero, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; Reading a Book”, Courtesy of olia danilevich, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Family Walking”, Courtesy of Vidal Balielo Jr., Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Three Pairs of Shoes”, Courtesy of Lisa Fotios, Pexels.com, CC0 License