Are Personality Tests Helpful?

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Understanding ourselves takes a lifetime. It requires introspection, insightful mentors, and constant change. Who we were as children bears similarities to who we were as teens, who we are as adults, and who we will be when we are elderly. There will also be many differences. Our experiences change us. Many just let it happen, but some take action (such as taking personality tests) to change themselves from the inside out, taking personal development seriously.

Using personality typing systems is one way to work on personal development and self-improvement. There are several out there, each offering features that help with different aspects of personal growth. Personality tests can be used to build self-awareness and empathy.

How are personality tests helpful?

In some ways, it can be like hacking yourself. As you learn about your personality’s strengths and weaknesses, you can use tools that best suit you. For example, if you understand that you are a morning or night person, you can choose the time of day to apply your energy effectively.

Different personality tests provide various types of insights. Let’s take a quick look at three popular personality tests.

Myers-Briggs

This personality test uses a system of contrasts to create sixteen distinct personality types. According to the primary website, “The Myers-Briggs framework consists of eight preferences organized into four pairs of opposites.

Your MBTI personality type represents your natural preferences in four important aspects of personality. We use all the preferences, but most people prefer one side of a preference pair more than the other, which accounts for the natural personality differences between people.”

By testing where your preferences fall, you develop a combination that explains how you interact with society. Your Myers-Briggs can change several times throughout your life. Coming back to it from time to time is a fascinating exercise in self-development.

The Enneagram

At a basic look, this personality test provides nine personality types for categorization. However, as any Enneagram coach will tell you, it is far more layered. There are wings and arrows; there are healthy, average, and unhealthy versions of every number, and there are many other details to explore when you learn about the Enneagram.

According to Enneagram coach Suzanne Stabile, “the Enneagram acts as a unique tool for understanding and explaining human behavior and the underlying motivations that drive behavior and the gifts we all have for the transformation of non-productive encounters with others.”

The Clifton Strengths

This test is often used for career purposes. The primary results are your top five strengths. You can leverage these strengths to increase your productivity and value in whatever your field of work. Leadership may use this test to determine how best to work with their team. According to the systems founder, Don Clifton, “Strengths science answers questions about what’s right with people rather than what’s wrong with them.”

If you want to find it, many, many other tests examine particular aspects of personality, worldview, and motivations. Just for fun, you can also take tests exploring what kind of animal you are, what castle matches your personality, or what historical figure you are most like.

Weaknesses

When self-improvement is the goal of taking personality tests, you can gain some great things: insights into your strengths and weaknesses, an understanding of your core values, and how other people are different from you. It can be valuable to help you with relationships, particularly when you know what someone else’s personality type is. You can build empathy by learning about how other people think and react.

It can be tempting to use personality tests to excuse bad behavior. No amount of tests will change who you are. It is entirely up to you to do the work of self-improvement, and personality tests should be a launching point rather than a final explanation.

Your faith also influences your personality. Always hold fast to the truth that no matter what these personality tests say, you are fearfully and wonderfully made in God’s image.

Personality Tests and Counseling

If you take a personality test, bring the results to counseling. Your counselor can help you use the information in a way that is beneficial to your personal development. They can combine what they know about you with that test to create a plan that helps you achieve your goals.

A counselor is a mentor who can help you use the tool of personality tests most effectively. Call today to get started with your journey of self-improvement.

References:https://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/myers-briggs-overview/

https://www.theenneagramjourney.org/the-enneagram

https://www.gallup.com/cliftonstrengths/en/253790/science-of-cliftonstrengths.aspx

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The Benefits of Taking a Step Back

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When facing a challenge, many people think it is essential to face it head-on. Whether a problem at work, a fear you struggle with, an argument with a spouse, or even a medical crisis, there are aspects that you need to see to swiftly. However, very rarely, are these problems so urgent that you cannot take a step back to regroup.

You may feel the urge to take action immediately in order to get to the other side of the issue. You may even feel pressure from someone else to address the situation immediately. Whether the desire to work through the issue is internal, stemming from something within you, or external, stemming from someone or something else, it is beneficial to think about whether you need to handle the problem immediately.

This is especially important to consider if it is a long-term issue. These problems may be difficult to manage over extended periods of time. Doing so can cause additional stress, anxiety, anger, or burnout that prevents you from making good choices.

Taking a Step Back

Instead of pressing forward, pause and ask yourself some questions:

  • Does this problem need to be dealt with immediately?
  • Am I in danger? Is anyone else in danger?
  • Am I handling this well?
  • Would I benefit from extra time to think through things?
  • Do I need counsel from a trusted friend, pastor, or therapist?

Answering these questions can help determine if you need to address the issue right away or if you have the ability to take a step back. If someone is in danger, including yourself, it is essential that you make changes to ensure everyone’s safety.

For example, if someone is hurting you, it is important to remove yourself from danger. Similarly, if your child is being bullied, you need to make sure your child is safe before taking a step back to evaluate further.

If you are doing your best to navigate a situation, but find that you are not functioning well, it may be time to step back. Indicators like stress, anxiety, short-temperedness, procrastination, avoidance, and anger are indicators that you need space and support in whatever you are facing.

As you consider your specific situation, you can determine when and how to take a step back. Options may include:

  • Taking a break from an argument
  • Taking a mental health day from school or work
  • Seeking counseling before addressing the issue further
  • Doing something that calms you
  • Practicing breathing exercises
  • Praying
  • Meditating

As you try these things, you will notice several benefits of taking a step back. They may not be immediate, but as you practice them, you can discover how helpful they can be.

Some noteworthy benefits that come with an intentional pause during a challenging situation include:

Seeing What’s Best for You

When you are close to a problem it can be hard to truly see what is best for you. Taking a step back can help you better understand the best path for you without the noise of other people’s opinions.

Taking Time to Heal

Struggling with conflict or crisis, whether personal, relational, or work related, generates countless opportunities for you to be hurt. The way someone treats you, the burden of prolonged stress, or the wounds of your past can leave you feeling vulnerable and broken. Taking a step back gives you time and space to heal.

Reflecting on Your Thoughts and Feelings

Sometimes something that starts small can spiral into a bigger issue. This happens frequently in many relationships. What started as a little disagreement can spiral into an intense argument or long-lasting grudge. This can make it particularly hard to truly consider your thoughts and feelings. Taking a step back gives you a chance to think. It allows you to look more objectively at how you feel.

Enjoying the Present Moment

People rarely take time to enjoy things when life feels hard. It is easy to worry about how to move forward or stress about what is to come. This prevents you from enjoying anything in the present. Taking a step back gives space to be present and find joy in what.

Seeing Another Perspective

People do not always see other perspectives when they are in the middle of a problem. It is easy to get stuck in your thinking, never considering things from another angle or thinking how another person may see the situation. When you take a step back, you can consider the problem from various angles. You can even ask God to help you do this.

Discovering Your Values

Identifying your values feels simple when you are not in the middle of a crisis, but things can change quickly when you are. It is easy for you to disregard the values you hold because you are busy trying to manage your overwhelming situation. Taking a step back gives an opportunity to look at what you value most and see how to move forward with that in mind.

Understanding the Bigger Picture

Rarely do people see the broad picture in the heat of a conflict. When a couple argues about doing the chores, it may seem like it is about laundry and mowing the lawn. In reality, it may be about something else. Perhaps one person is feeling overwhelmed with the demands on them. Maybe there are unmet expectations around chore sharing. Taking a step back can help people see what is actually beneath the surface.

Refocusing

It is always good to keep things in focus. In the middle of a crisis, it is easy to get hyper focused on certain things while losing focus of other things completely. Taking a step back will help you refocus on what is really happening and what is most important.

Finding Yourself

Problems have a way of making people lose themselves. Whether it is getting bogged down in a stressful work environment or drowning in the day to day of parenting, you can work so hard to get through a day that you lose track of your needs and feelings. When you take a step back you are available to rediscover the unique things that make you special.

Recharging

Struggle wears people out. It can make you tired, weary from trying to manage things or address the issue you are facing. You may notice it in other areas of your life. For example, when you are dealing with an issue at work, you may come home and snap at your roommate even though they did nothing wrong. Carrying problems is exhausting. Taking a step back is an effective way to recharge in order to return to your problem.

God Calls You to Step Back and Look to Him

Jesus instructs His people what to do when things feel hard. He wants you to come to Him. He promises hope and rest as you move forward.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30, NIV)

You Do Not Need to Do This Alone

Taking a step back can be hard. As you face obstacles, the idea of not acting right away can be scary. Talking to a counselor can make the process easier. A trained counselor can help you better understand your situation, help you address any urgent needs, and guide you as you take a step back.

Having a person walk this road with you is incredibly helpful. Call our office to connect with a counselor with experience relating to your unique needs. A counselor will support you as you find the best way to move forward.

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5 Ways to Support Your Loved One With PTSD

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PTSD affects a person’s mood, physical health, and outlook on life. It can take years to heal , and it affects every aspect of a person’s life. Loved ones can make all the difference in a person’s journey through PTSD, but it’s not always easy to know how to help. Sometimes, we may think we are doing something good when we are unintentionally causing harm.

There are five things everyone can do to help their loved one navigate PTSD. These things might not feel natural to do and some of them take practice and patience to implement. What counts is that you are learning, trying, and being patient as you try to help.

How to Help with PTSD

Go slow and let them determine the pace

After experiencing trauma, most people want to feel safe and comfortable as they process the experience and try to heal from it. This might cause them to become insular or even isolated. In the context of a relationship, they might seem cold, distant, and detached.

It’s alarming to feel distance from a loved one. What is important to remember is that their actions are not personal. They are simply trying to cope with the aftermath of trauma. If it is their first time dealing with PTSD, they likely don’t know what they are doing and might be afraid, overwhelmed, and unbalanced. Let them take the lead and set the pace so that they can begin to feel in control of their lives once more. This is their first step on the path to healing.

Don’t be surprised by outbursts or unusual behavior

One of the effects of PTSD is on a person’s nervous system. Ordinary places like shopping malls or crowded venues like churches might suddenly trigger them. Certain smells, flavors, or sounds might make them jumpy or repulsed. They might even display symptoms of dizziness or clumsiness from time to time.

It’s worrying to see these behaviors in people who previously never acted like this. PTSD causes many triggers that are impossible to control at first. Your reaction to this behavior can either help or harm them as they try to understand their triggers and how best to react to certain stimuli. Reassure them that you are not judging them and try to help them as they learn their triggers.

Remind them that they are loved

Our grandparents once taught us that “words will never hurt us,” but sadly, this is not true. People are often ashamed to be dealing with PTSD on top of the existing emotions stemming from their trauma. They might feel deep embarrassment, shame, guilt, and even self-loathing over the events in their past. It is often these emotions that present the biggest hurdles to healing.

They need to hear your verbal affection and pledges to stick with them, regardless of the complications. They need to hear that they are loved and lovable. Any promise must be backed up by action, so show up for them again and again.

Encourage them to get extra support or treatment

Shame and guilt often keep people from getting help, although there may be several reasons why your loved one does not want to get help. Sometimes, it’s simply a matter of not knowing where to go or what help is available.

You could help them by talking to them about therapy and counseling. If they are open to it, you could help them look into the availability of therapists, support groups, counselors, and other resources.

Educate yourself on PTSD and complex trauma

PTSD and CPTSD are complex issues. One of the best ways to help a loved one is to research these topics and learn about the science and emotional impact of them. This will help you understand what your loved one is going through and why they are acting the way they are. It will also help you know how to communicate with them and give them the specific care they need most.

Caring for a loved one with PTSD can be difficult, and many people are wary of adding to the trauma their loved one is facing, even accidentally. Sometimes, we just need to know that everything is “normal” even though it doesn’t feel like it.

Finding Support Through Trauma Therapy

Every helper needs support of their own. A counselor is an important addition to make for both your loved one with PTSD and for yourself. A therapist at Newport Beach Christian Counseling can give you the assurance you need, as well as long-term support.

If you are interested in meeting with a Christian counselor, contact us at Newport Beach Christian Counseling in California today. We will arrange a visit with a qualified therapist in Newport Beach. They will lend their support to you as you care for and cope with your loved one’s PTSD.

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Counseling and Help for Helping Professionals

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Being in the helping profession can be a fulfilling journey. These are the people who meet us at our most vulnerable times and offer to help. It can be a teacher in a class or a first responder coming to the scene of an accident. When we talk of those in the helping professions, they cover many categories. Below is a list of some of them:

  • Emergency services (First Responders, ambulance drivers, disaster relief workers, firefighters, police services)
  • Mental health and counseling services (Counselors, mental health advocates, psychologists)
  • Health Care Professionals (Nurses, doctors, EMTs, Midwives, etc.)
  • Non-Governmental Organization professionals
  • Social Services (Hospice workers, child welfare workers, domestic violence advocates)
  • Spiritual and Religious leaders (priests, Pastors, Rabbis, Imams)
  • Educational Services (Teachers, Lecturers, Professors, School Counselors)
  • Legal Services (Judges, Attorneys, Public Defenders, Mediators etc.)

Though the work they do is valuable and serves a great need in society, it comes with unique challenges and stressors. Constantly being there for others can be emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. The impact of these stressors can have a huge impact if not addressed in time. Due to the nature of the work those in the helping profession do, they rarely think of themselves as the ones needing help. This is why organizations and companies that employ those in the helping professions need to have strong Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs) available.

Common Stressors for Helping Professionals

These programs can assist with some of the stressors that come with helping professions like the ones below:

Burnout

Many in the helping professions must deal with high workloads with few staff and resources to help them out. The fact that they also work long hours at a time can contribute to burnout. This is when the body experiences extreme levels of deep exhaustion. Burnout is common for those who are in the helping professions.

Spillover into personal life

Trying to gain a balance between life and work can be difficult for those in the helping profession. Not only is it the long hours that hinder the ability to attend to other aspects of life, it’s just that the work can also be all-consuming. Struggling to “switch off” when one gets home is a common complaint. This can have a huge impact on the person’s relationships and general well-being.

Compassion Fatigue

Being in the profession of helping others can cause compassion fatigue. This is the impact that helping has on individuals. It can be emotional, mental, or physical. Compassion fatigue causes those who are going through it to be unwilling and unable to care for others. There is a level of disinterest in the welfare of others due to constant exposure to trauma and suffering.

Secondary or Vicarious Trauma

Vicarious trauma happens when those in the helping professions witness or hear about their client’s or patient’s trauma and they take it upon themselves. This is not voluntary but can manifest itself through intrusive thoughts or nightmares. Unfortunately, those in the helping professions are constantly being exposed to the trauma of others and sometimes without adequate support.

Grief and Loss

An unfortunate reality for those in the helping professions, especially those in the healthcare industry, is that they will experience the death of their patients. This can be emotionally challenging and lead to dealing with grief and loss constantly.

Mental Health Issues

PTSD, depression, and anxiety are some common mental health issues experienced by those in the helping professions. The work they do is emotionally taxing meaning without adequate support they could struggle mentally.

Physical Health problems

Physical health issues are a reality for those who work in the healthcare industry. During the COVID-19 pandemic, they were on the front line and therefore more at risk for contracting the virus themselves. Those in the health profession are also more at risk of physical harm as they carry and attend to those in distress.

Help For the Helpers

As essential as the work done by those in the helping professions is, questions need to be asked by organizations and society about what sort of help and support can be offered. Being in a helping profession means that there needs to be a huge emphasis on self-care, organizational support, and seeking professional help when needed.

Being able to take care of oneself is important when in the helping profession. This does not mean a person is being selfish but making sure that they are healthy enough to carry out their duties. Self-care can be achieved by taking care of the physical body, making sure one gets enough exercise, eats right, gets enough sleep, and seeking professional or medical help when they are not well. Taking time to be involved in one’s favorite hobbies and building relationships ensures that individuals are allowing themselves to unplug from their work and care for other aspects of their lives. Relationships are important as they provide the much-needed social support that those in the helping professions need. Being part of a loving and vibrant church community can offer these relationships and support.

A huge part of self-care is the ability for one to have boundaries. This must be both in their professional and personal world. Having boundaries will guard against being burnt out and suffering from compassion fatigue. As much as it is within one’s power, they might need to cut down on shifts at work or limit their church and family commitments so that they are not overstretched. Part of having boundaries can also come in the form of carving out time for prayer and meditation. This is the time one can give themselves to just be still, rest, and commune with God.

Organizational support is also important for those in the helping professions. This can come in the form of Employee Assistance Programs that cater to the unique needs of the profession. Companies and organizations can run seminars and training courses that address any of the risks that are posed. Organizations can also provide career counseling and coaching services to their employees, so they are kept up to date with the changes in their profession, thus reducing the risks of stress in the workplace. Personalized supervision and consultations can also be provided for employees so that they have superiors they can rely on to give direction and guidance.

Professional help for those in the helping professions can come in the form of psychological, psychiatric, or medical help. Due to the dangers posed on individuals due to the stressors they go through daily, access to the above should be made available. Those in the helping professions might struggle with PTSD, Vicarious Trauma, depression, anxiety, physical injuries, and grief. These require professional help. This is in the form of individual counseling, specialized trauma therapy, support groups, and medical and psychiatric interventions. Due to the high-stress nature of helping professionals, greater importance needs to be placed on supporting them and providing them with the necessary resources. Resources need to be available for those who might need regular medical check-ups due to the nature of their work.

All this does not mean that all those in the helping profession are struggling. Most of these challenges have been mitigated by organizations and companies that set up appropriate services for the welfare of their employees. With adequate support, it can be a fulfilling journey to be in any of these professions as long as individuals prioritize self-care and make use of the support structures available to them.

Reach Out for Support

Being in the helping profession can be isolating and sometimes difficult to deal with. If you find you are struggling because of your work and need help and guidance, please reach out to our offices. There are trained Therapists who are ready to provide a safe and confidential environment for you to work through any work-related concerns.

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4 Tips for Surviving Infidelity

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Infidelity and affairs hurt more than the relationship between a husband and wife. It breaks down trust, feelings of love and acceptance, and self-confidence, and increases insecurity and fear. These are obstacles to tackle if you want to stay together. Ignoring these emotions will only cause them to fester as the weeks, months, and years pass, trapping you in the past. Surviving infidelity is possible with hard work, patience, and recommitment to the union.

4 tips for surviving infidelity

Surviving infidelity and remaining married requires work from both spouses. This may not seem fair to the hurt spouse at first. If you are the one who was hurt, you might feel that the other person should have to put in all the work to fix what they broke. This is a natural reaction to injustice.

However, surviving infidelity means acknowledging that things will never truly go back to the way they were. The affair changed you, your spouse, and your relationship. You must discover and navigate this new relationship to rebuild and strengthen it.

Take your vows seriously by recommitting

If you seek reconciliation only because you are afraid of the future, being alone, or “for the kids,” you should reconsider. A marriage can only last if the couple is 100% committed to making it work against the odds. Read over your marriage vows and recommit to the relationship before seeking help.

Seek help to overcome marital issues

Although you can heal a marriage without outside help, seeking advice from knowledgeable and experienced people can help repair the bond. That advice may come from your pastor in the form of marriage counseling or a mental health professional specializing in surviving infidelity and affairs. You need guidance during this season, not judgment. Be discerning in who you choose to confide in about your marriage.

Look to improve yourself

Although pointing out your spouse’s flaws is tempting, especially after an affair, when rebuilding the relationship, look to improve yourself. If you seek marriage counseling, the counselor will work with both of you, but think about what characteristics you want to attain. What are your values? Do you reflect them? You cannot change another person. You cannot “fix” them. Only they can do that. The only thing you can control is bettering yourself.

Bring God into the equation

Often, our lives are busy and chaotic, and when the storms hit, we leave God entirely out of the problem. Yet, God holds the solutions, the healing, and the peace. Bring God back into the marriage covenant, asking Him to lead both of you by His Holy Spirit to make the right decisions and open your hearts to healing and trust.

How counseling can help

Following an affair, the feelings of betrayal and hurt are too raw. The hurt spouse may be shocked, angry, or sad (or all three). The spouse who cheated may feel hopeless and desperate to make amends and save the marriage. Having an unbiased third party who can offer advice and suggestions for surviving infidelity can be invaluable to your relationship.

Newport Beach Christian Counseling in California can help. Your counselor in Newport Beach, California will work with you as a couple to overcome obstacles and manage setbacks. Call our reception team today to schedule a session with a Christian marriage counselor in Newport Beach. Don’t let go of hope. Lean into God, ask for help, and keep the faith.

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Grieving and Making Use of Prayers of Lament

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Grief and loss come to us all at one point or another in our lives. In those moments, we can find ourselves struggling and without the words to express the deep and complicated emotions and thoughts we’re experiencing. Holding your grief and honoring that experience on one hand, while holding onto trust and hope in the other, can be difficult. This is where prayers of lament can be helpful.

When you’re grieving, you are trying to process loss in your life. Grief is a natural response to loss, and it’s important to allow yourself the time and space to grieve. Using the prayers of lament from Scripture is one way to process and express your grief.

The various causes of grief

Loss can happen in a variety of ways. We often think of death, but it applies to many things. We form emotional attachments to other people, things, and places, and they become part of our everyday life. You could even say that they help shape who we are, and so when we lose those things, it affects us in profound ways. These connections and attachments can be broken or disrupted in numerous ways.

The kinds of loss that can induce grief include the loss of a relationship through the death of a loved one, a bad breakup, or a divorce. Loss also occurs when you experience significant failure, a cherished dream gets shattered, or when a loved or deeply respected person betrays you or lets you down. When you move away from your childhood home or the community that has nurtured you, that can also fuel a sense of loss.

Grief can come in various guises, and it is connected to the loss you’ve experienced. For instance, if you lose a loved one due to a natural disaster, an accident, or through some form of violence, which can lead to trauma and traumatic grief.

This type of grief involves losses that happen under horrific or unpredictable circumstances. Grief can also be anticipatory, in that the loss hasn’t yet occurred, but the feelings of loss and grief set in, in anticipation of loss. Grief can thus be complicated.

Allowing prayers of lament to be part of your grief

The process of grieving is unique to each person, and how they make sense of their loss won’t look the same as it does for another person. You may have heard of the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages don’t delineate a straightforward process that runs in order, and when you get to the other side of it, you’re done grieving. Rather, it indicates the kinds of emotions you may experience along the way.

Scripture offers many prayers to address grief in its many forms. One of the kinds of prayers in the Bible is lament. This sort of prayer can be helpful when a person is grieving. A lament is an honest, raw expression of our sorrows that’s directed toward God. It is an expression of your pain and a way to mourn loss. A sizable portion of the Psalms is made up of laments in various contexts.

Many people who follow Jesus assume that they can or should only pray happy prayers, or prayers that are full of hope. This often means that in practice they feel the need to suppress feelings of angst, sorrow, pain, distress, anger, depression, and more. Jesus, while He was on the cross, quoted from one of the Psalms of lament, Psalm 22, when he said, “My God, why have you forsaken me?” (Psalm 22:1, Matthew 27:46, NIV).

It’s okay for a believer to feel sorrow and grief, to experience a sense of abandonment. Jesus, and the rest of the Psalms, show us the way. Those feelings can be directed at God and addressed to Him. The Lord is big enough to handle our most complex and painful emotions and experiences. The Psalms show us how to hold our grief and thankfulness in tension, as in Psalms 13, for instance:

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?… But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me. – Psalm 13:1-2, 5-6, NIV

You can tell God how you honestly feel, knowing that the heavenly Father welcomes you and wants to hear from His children. This is one Psalm, but we don’t know how long it took David to move from the emotions of the first verses to the utterances of hope and gratitude in the last verses. It can take time. You don’t have to rush toward expressing gratitude, but you can trust that you’ll get there. In the meantime, you can be honest with God about your grief.

Reaching for help

The psalms of lament can help to give us the language as well as permission to take our grief to God. Likewise, you can also talk with a grief counselor in Newport Beach, California, who can help you to process your grief and make sense of your experiences. Reach out to our office today at Newport Beach Christian Counseling in California and we will schedule an appointment for you with a qualified therapist in Newport Beach who will help you to cope with your loss.

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How to Deal with Guilt and Not Feeling Good Enough

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Sometimes in life, you swing big, and you miss. That’s okay because without taking risks, we wouldn’t be able to accomplish meaningful things. When things don’t go the way you anticipate, however, it can be unhelpful to internalize that failure and tell yourself that you are a failure. Yes, we can fail, but at other times we succeed, and the risks we take pay off. Who you are as a person, and the value you possess goes far deeper than your failures, successes, or guilt.

Guilt is a feeling of unease or unhappiness that settles on you when you feel that you’ve done something immoral or wrong. Persistent feelings of guilt can end up shaping how you perceive yourself. You can end up feeling as though you haven’t only done something wrong and feel bad about it, but that you yourself are bad. It’s important to know how best to deal with these feelings.

The roots of guilt and not feeling good enough

Feeling guilty and not feeling good enough often derive from the same root. When there is a standard of conduct that one has failed to attain, that sense of failure is what causes the unease or distress we often call guilt. That standard may be derived from one’s family, surrounding culture, or from one’s spiritual formation. Failing to meet that standard may also make one feel as though they aren’t good enough.

While a person can feel guilty or not good enough for various reasons, it’s also possible that they can feel these things unnecessarily or excessively. A person can irrationally feel responsible for something that is outside of their control, or that wasn’t their fault. This is known as false guilt.

This can be the result of:

  • Holding onto unattainable and unrealistic standards or expectations.
  • Taking on way too much responsibility for the actions of others.
  • Deeply internalizing unfair or unrealistic familial or societal expectations.
  • Misinterpreting a situation by mistaking or misattributing causes and effects.
  • Constant negative self-talk that induces a sense of guilt.
  • A lack of self-compassion.
  • Past traumatic experiences.

This can have many negative consequences in a person’s life such as self-doubt, anxiety, depression, and stunting personal growth. Thus, false guilt can create an unhealthy sense of self as well as affect a person’s mental and emotional health. Recognizing and addressing false and other forms of guilt helps promote well-being.

How to deal with guilt

Guilt has its place in our lives because it helps us be aware that we’ve done something that we shouldn’t have done, or not done something that we ought to have done. This gap between our actions and our ideals can drive us to act to rectify the deficiency. To address your guilt, the best way is to act, by seeking to undo what was done, to try and make amends, as well as to apologize for any harm caused.

Handling guilt can be difficult because it requires you to come face to face with your inability to meet a certain standard. There are healthy ways to deal with guilt, as well as unhealthy ways to address it. Some of the healthy ways to work through your feelings of guilt include the following:

Acknowledge your feelings

Instead of trying to pretend that you aren’t distressed or that there’s no reason to feel distressed, recognize and accept your guilt. Avoid either denying or suppressing your emotions, as this can only serve to prolong the process of addressing the root issues.

Identify the root cause

Take some time to reflect on the situation or action that’s the source of your guilt. You need to be honest with yourself about what could have led to your feelings of guilt.

Take responsibility

Guilt is often the result of having made a mistake and fallen short of certain expectations. If you’ve made a mistake, own up to it and apologize if necessary. If amends need to be made and can be made, then make them.

Practice self-compassion

Taking responsibility for your (in)action can be hard, but you can approach it with kindness and understanding toward yourself. We all make mistakes and fall short of our own standards and those of others, especially God’s standards (Romans 3:23, 6:23). However, you can deal with yourself truthfully and lovingly, just as you would a friend in a similar situation.

Learn from the experience

Instead of getting stuck in the feelings of guilt, you can use your guilt as a growth and learning opportunity. These situations can help you to pinpoint what you can do differently in the future. You can let go of any self-recrimination, as there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1), and there’s no benefit to keep holding onto guilt that has been addressed already.

Move forward

Create a plan to help you move forward. This plan can help you avoid or prevent similar situations in the future, and as you pursue your plan you can be patient with yourself, recalling that it can be a long process.

Seek support

You don’t have to face challenging situations alone. Speak with a trusted loved one or talk to a mental health professional about your feelings of guilt. While guilt can be helpful in moderation, prompting personal growth and positive change, excessive guilt can be harmful to your well-being. If your feelings of guilt are overwhelming or persistent, seek help from a counselor.

Reach out for help

If you are ready to speak to a counselor about guilt, mistakes you feel you have made, unhealthy patterns, or anything that is keeping you from living freely, please reach out to our offices today. We can arrange an appointment with one of the qualified therapists in our practice. Take your first step toward living free of unhealthy guilt.

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How to Ease the Process of Moving into a New House for Your Kids

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One of the constants in life is that change is going to happen. Nothing stays the same for long, and our efforts to force things to remain static will leave us feeling anxious, frustrated, and exhausted. Situations evolve, and living things grow in different and wonderful ways. This means that promotions and job changes happen, opportunities open up while others close down, relationships change, or one’s needs and means may shift, and we may find ourselves moving to another home.

The stress of moving

What this all adds to practically is that people will often uproot and move elsewhere. The move can be just a few blocks away, to a different state, or to another country altogether. Moving is one of the most stressful events in a person’s life because of the amount of work it takes, but also because of other issues such as the loss of community and need to navigate new situations and rhythms.

If moving is stressful for the adults in the room, you can be sure that it will be stressful for the little ones in your home, too. Moving might mean changing schools, losing friends, and needing to try and fit into the new situation, and it could mean other things too like no longer having extracurriculars that enriched their lives. While moving is stressful, there are some things that you can do to ease that process for your children.

Tips to make it easier

Adults and children have different coping mechanisms, and they have varying capacities for dealing with stress. As you start the process of moving, it’s good to be on the lookout for signs of stress such as anxiety, mood swings, restlessness, being clingy, developing new or recurring fears, crying more and having more anger, stubbornness, or aggression.

Other signs of stress in kids and teens include decreased concentration or motivation to do things they used to do. Lastly, if your child is stressed, you may find that they have emotional overreactions to minor incidents. These and other signs could point to the fact that your children are stressed by the move. The good news is that while the stress of moving can be challenging for you and your kids, there are ways to make the transition smoother.

Some tips for easing moving stress include the following:

Communicate honestly and openly

The fact that you’ll be moving is obvious enough, but what isn’t always obvious is why. Take the time to explain to your children, at an age-appropriate level, the reasons for the move, and then take time to listen to their concerns. Validate any concerns that they have and address these as honestly as you can. Give them room to express themselves, whether by talking, drawing, or writing.

Involve them in the process

Instead of a hands-off approach, let your children take ownership of the move and start processing it by helping with packing, labeling, and decision-making. They can decorate the moving boxes, or you can turn packing into a game for the younger children. You can also do things like create a scrapbook with memories of your old home.

Maintain your routines

As the move gets underway, it’s easy to lose your old routines. Rather, try to stick to your regular routines and traditions to provide a sense of stability for everyone, including yourselves as parents. For instance, keep dinner time and bedtime routines the same to allow for familiarity and a sense of normalcy.

Maintain a positive focus

The move might be the result of losing your job and needing to downsize, but even in such circumstances, there may still be positives to celebrate, like the new community you’ll be a part of or certain features of the new house.

Remain patient, present, and supportive

Moving is stressful, and that means you’ll need an extra helping of patience and understanding during this transition period. Everyone in the house needs support at this time, and it helps to be girded with grace and to be quick to forgive each other any slights (Colossians 3:12-13).

Have a farewell party

Being able to say goodbye to friends well helps to create lasting memories, and it’s a way to celebrate the upcoming move. Keep the party light and enjoyable, focusing on the good memories you have had in your home, and the plans you have in your new space.

Make the new house feel like home

When you arrive at the new house, set up the children’s room first to help them feel secure and settled as soon as possible. You can unpack some of their favorite items together. You can also take time, whether when you move or some days before, to explore the new area so that you discover new parks, restaurants, and attractions together.

Moving house will affect you and your children in different ways. Each child will have unique needs, which will require you to adapt the ways you show love and support to them. Change can be hard to navigate, but you can walk with your children through this.

You can also reach out for help to a family counselor in Newport Beach if your family is struggling with the move. Your counselor in Newport Beach, California can offer you the support you need to transition well. Contact us at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to schedule your first appointment today.

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Five Natural Remedies to Combat Anxiety

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The number of people who’ve been diagnosed with anxiety has risen significantly in the past few years. COVID-19, an unstable economy, and healthcare crises contribute to people’s fear about the future.

This can cause a rise in anxiety disorders. Most people think medication is the easiest way to combat the problem. However, there are other natural ways to keep anxiety at bay as part of a regular health routine. Here are five natural remedies to combat anxiety:

Deep Breathing

Meditation is widely known to combat anxiety. Deep breathing can be even more effective when it comes to combating anxiety. Sit in a chair in a quiet space. Set a timer for thirty minutes. Inhale for ten seconds, filling both your lungs and your diaphragm.

Hold your breath for ten seconds. Then exhale for ten seconds, emptying your lungs and diaphragm until they are empty. Do this for ten minutes. Do not allow distractions or other noise to prohibit you from doing this in complete silence. After the ten minutes, ask yourself how you feel. Your body will go into a natural, relaxed state.

Your heart will slow down its rhythm and breathing will become deeper. Shallow breathing is also a sign of anxiety. By intentionally breathing more deeply, people allow their bodies to reap the benefit of deep breathing.

Supplements

There are anxiety supplements that are available over the counter to help combat anxiety. For example, an over-the-counter drug called AnxioCalm is a natural supplement that will curb anxiety. Although it may not completely eliminate the anxiety, it will help you feel less anxious in the moment.

Furthermore, natural remedies such as Ashwagandha, and Slippery Elm bark are other natural supplements that, when taken routinely, can help reduce the body’s response to elevated levels of cortisol.

Massage

Massage is a great way to relax the body. Treat yourself to a 30- or 60-minute massage. It can be exactly what the body needs to calm itself down naturally. Not only does massage help calm inflammation throughout the body, but it also resets both the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems.

Both nervous systems must be working properly to reduce stress. Stretching and Reflexology are also two great ways to reduce stress without the need for medication.

Exercise

Although exercise may be a part of your daily routine, a great way to combat anxiety is to take a walk or go for a jog after a stressful day. This not only raises the natural receptors to reduce stress but also lowers levels of cortisol in the body.

Cortisol is the body’s natural response to stress. Elevated levels of cortisol not only contribute to chronic anxiety, but also increase stress-related symptoms such as weight gain, headaches, and other chronic pain. An elevated cortisol level can also contribute to a lack of sleep.

Exercise helps the body to move freely, clear the mind, and prepare it for sleep and its natural rhythms. Exercise can be a great way to forget the temporary stresses of life and improve a person’s mental health. Additionally, not only does it have mental health benefits, but can also improve their physical health such as strengthening the heart, alleviating pain in the joints, helping with weight loss, and getting natural vitamin D that is necessary for the body.

Therapy

Enlisting the help of a professional can be a great way to reduce stress. If you find yourself prone to anxiety attacks or other chronic anxiety, seek help from a professional to help discover exercises that can help reduce stress.

For example, a therapist at Newport Beach Christian Counseling in California may give you specific journaling exercises to analyze your thoughts that may be contributing to anxiety. A therapist can give some insight into the different types of thoughts we have. For example, catastrophizing thoughts are ones in which we think of the “worst-case scenario.”

A person may automatically think this when they’re in a stressful situation. This creates stress on the physical body that doesn’t otherwise need to be there. By analyzing this thought and re-framing it so they don’t assume the worst will happen, an anxious person can take every thought captive as Scripture dictates and allow the person to reduce their stress by changing their thought patterns.

Anxiety can be difficult to combat. But the body also has natural ways to reduce stress. By engaging with those natural remedies, people may be able to avoid medication with serious side effects and help their bodies naturally adapt to stress. For more information on reducing anxiety with the help of a Christian therapist in Newport Beach, please give our office a call today at Newport Beach Christian Counseling in California.

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How to Recognize Signs of OCD in Children

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OCD (obsessive, compulsive disorder) is an anxiety disorder characterized by unwanted, uncontrollable, intrusive thoughts, images, or urges that cause distress, and repetitive behaviors or rituals a person feels compelled to perform in order to get rid of the distress and prevent bad things from happening. However, the signs of OCD may look different in children than they do in adults.

OCD can affect children as well as adults and start at any age, but symptoms most commonly begin to manifest between the ages of 8 and 12 or during the late teen years. The signs usually start small and intensify over time, and because of their gradual onset, may not be noticeable at first.

Are signs of OCD in children the same as signs of OCD in adults?

Signs of OCD in children are similar to those in adults, but younger children who have less developed cognitive skills are less likely to recognize that their obsessions and compulsions are unreasonable or excessive and may think that everyone else has similar thoughts and urges. Children are also more likely to have obsessive thoughts about the safety of their parents and to be afraid that someone they love might get sick or die.

What is the difference between picky behaviors and obsessions or compulsions?

Behaviors such as lining up blocks in a certain way, being a picky eater or fussy dresser, or having certain quirks or preoccupations may just be common phases of childhood. Obsessions and compulsions, however, are not the same thing. They are not a matter of personal choice, nor are they fleeting or short-lived.

Obsessions are repetitive, involuntary, fear-producing, thoughts that the child does not want to have but cannot stop thinking about or control, and that can have a paralyzing effect that prevents him or her from thinking about anything else.

These lead to compulsions, which are repetitive actions or rituals the child feels driven to perform in a certain way to stop the obsessive thoughts and prevent something bad from happening. If they are not done in a specific way, it causes the child to panic and repeat it until they get it right.

What are the diagnostic criteria for OCD in children?

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), many children are sometimes bothered by thoughts they may feel they have to do something about such as, for instance, wearing a favorite piece of clothing to avoid bad luck. For children with OCD, however, these thoughts and urges to act on them are not just occasional. They persist even if the child tries to ignore them or make them go away.

To be diagnosed with OCD, the unwanted thoughts and behaviors the child feels he or she must do happen frequently, take up a lot of time (more than an hour a day), interfere with his or her activities, or make him or her very upset.

What red flags may be signs of OCD in children?

  • Needing to have their possessions organized in a particular way according to a precise, symmetrical pattern, with everything perfectly aligned, and getting upset if anything is touched or moved.
  • Constant anxiety about making a mistake or doing something wrong that will cause something bad to happen.
  • Fear of being contaminated by dirt or germs.
  • Excessive hand washing that leaves skin scrubbed raw and bleeding.
  • Repeatedly checking in on family and needing constant reassurance that they are safe and well.
  • Needing constant reassurance that they haven’t hurt anyone.
  • Repeatedly checking things such as light switches, windows, and doors before leaving the house and getting upset if forced to leave before completing their routine.
  • Having certain rituals they need to perform exactly the same way each time to avoid something bad happening, such as counting steps a specific amount of times before entering a room.
  • Checking things over and over to make sure they are done right.
  • Worrying excessively about the neatness of their handwriting or schoolwork, and erasing, rewriting, or redoing things in a certain way over and over again until they look just right.
  • Asking the same questions repeatedly in different ways to get reassurance that everything will be okay or a particular thing is safe.
  • Having a specific bedtime routine that has to be done just so or they need to start all over again until they get it right.
  • Performing repeated movements such as tapping objects in a repetitive order.
  • Having a preoccupation with unlucky numbers, words, or colors, and linking them to bad things happening.

OCD can be devastating for a child but there are several effective, evidence-based treatment options available. The sooner the condition is diagnosed, the faster it can be treated, and the better the chance for a successful outcome.

If you would like to set up a risk-free appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors in Newport Beach, California, please give us a call at Newport Beach Christian Counseling.

References:

Natasha Daniels. “OCD in Children: Are You Missing the Signs?” AT Parenting Survival. anxioustoddlers.com/ocd-in-children/.

“Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder In Children.” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Reviewed July 26, 2023. cdc.gov/childrensmentalhealth/ocd.html.

Stephanie Rhodes. “How to Recognize Your Child Might Have OCD.” Michigan Medicine. February 18, 2020. michiganmedicine.org/health-lab/how-recognize-your-child-might-have-ocd.

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