Pre-marital Counseling Questions to Ask Before You Say “I Do”

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According to Scripture, marriage is the very first human relationship created by God. Jesus spoke of marriage according to the Old Testament as being one man and one woman united into one flesh. The Apostle Paul exhorted husbands and wives to love, respect, and submit to one another, doing so in reverence to Christ.

The Bible places much emphasis on the institution of marriage as the fundamental relationship in a household. Choosing to enter into this union is both an exciting and sobering time of life.

Pre-Marital Counseling Questions

This article considers several important pre-marital counseling questions that can be asked to give due consideration to the life-changing step you’re about to take by getting married.

These pre-marital counseling questions can be addressed in premarital counseling to help process some of the most important issues related to the decision to get married.

Always remember that two of the most vital considerations in the decision to get married are emotional and spiritual compatibility.

Is this God’s Calling for Me?

Not everyone is destined for marriage. This lifelong commitment comes with responsibilities, privileges, and inherent limitations. Am I truly called to this for life? Can I commit to oneness with my spouse in a partnership that includes physical, emotional, and spiritual components?

Does the future look bright when I consider the two of us moving forward together? Is this person someone I can submit to in the way Scripture discusses, deferring my preferences and making sacrifices for them?

Do Our Personalities Mesh Well?

Do we have complementary personalities, and do we accept each other as we are? Is being around this person enjoyable, and do I find them likable at a basic level? Do we understand each other’s senses of humor?

Also, consider whether you feel emotionally safe enough to be vulnerable with your partner, to speak even unpleasant truths in love. Consider whether you both have the freedom to confront one another in love.

Physical attraction must be considered as well, along with your baseline of common interests and hobbies, and how well you can share a workload together.

What Are We Bringing into Marriage?

The past must be considered in light of how it will affect your future marriage relationship. (See Exodus 20:5-6.) Habitual sins that have not been repented of, or emotional healing that has not taken place, can lead to a repetition of harmful patterns.

Consider the wounds, losses, ways of reacting to the world around you, besetting sins, and expectations that you bring to the relationship. Think about how you and your partner have worked through (or have not worked through) any current issues or past realities. It’s also vital to discuss your families of origin and backgrounds and how they will affect your marriage.

How Do We Communicate?

Are we able to understand and communicate with each other well (James 1:19-20)? When conflict arises, or hurt feelings happen, how do we resolve those things (Ephesians 4:26)?

Are We Spiritually Compatible?

Are we partners in our belief systems? When it comes to my relationship with God, how does this person affect that? Do I feel encouraged to become closer to God, or is it viewed as something incidental or unimportant? Do we pray together and encourage each other to put God first? Do we inspire one another to grow in our faith?

Do We Agree Financially?

Have we discussed our beliefs about managing finances and budgeting (1 Timothy 6:6-10, 17)? How will we merge our finances and manage our spending vs. saving habits?

What Do Others Think?

Do our families, friends, and/or church families affirm our relationship and decision to marry (Ephesians 4:15)? Do we have a support system in place?

Are We Emotionally Mature Enough for Marriage?

Do we display personal and individual emotional maturity (Galatians 5:22-23)? Can we both self-regulate our feelings? Do I view myself as responsible for my own emotions and struggles, and does my partner?

Are we honest and transparent with one another? Do I truly trust this person based on what they’ve done to earn that trust? Do they keep their word and tell the truth? Do either of us struggle with an addiction to anything? If we’ve had these struggles in the past, have we sought help and healing in a way that has allowed for restoration and growth?

Christian Counseling to Prepare for Marriage

If you would like a helpful structure in which to navigate these premarital issues, consider whether Christian counseling might be a valuable resource for you and your future spouse. A Christian counselor shares a similar worldview and value system and is a licensed professional who can guide you through these pre-marital counseling questions and help you discern your readiness for marriage.

Photos
“Engaged”, Courtesy of Ben White, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Hopes and Dreams”, Courtesy of Edward Cisneros, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Married Fight,” courtesy of Gratisography, pexels.com, CC0 License; “God-centered Marriage”, Courtesy of Ben White, Unsplash.com; CC0 License

How to Deal with Confrontation in Relationships

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Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. – Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

People were meant to be in relationships, and indeed, they are necessary to survive in this world since everyone needs care and nurturing for the first decade or so of life.

Relationships also define who we are as we get older. Children are affirmed, confident and highly motivated when their family relationships are strong. And as adults, the strength of one’s working relationships improves income while a solid marital or romantic relationship provides inspiration.

But despite the positive energy people may gain as they interact with the people around them, difficulties inevitably arise. Everyone is different and nobody stays the same. Eventually, due to misunderstandings or a change in views, conflicts occur. The challenge is how to deal with them in a positive manner.

Confrontation in Relationships

Most people dislike dealing with confrontations especially with people that they highly respect or love. The worry is always there that one might offend the person and possibly damage the close relationship they may have. This is why many prefer to just sweep everything under the rug, hoping that the annoying habit will go away or that the hurtful incident will be forgotten.

However, if not dealt with, whatever is disrupting the relationship may persist until there is no way to mend the hurt. Should that occur, even more disappointment and pain awaits. Moreover, continued bitterness and resentment prevent people from growing in Christ and moving forward with their lives.

Dr. David Schnarch of the Marriage & Family Health Center in Colorado calls this becoming “emotionally fused.” A person connects so many powerful emotions to another person that they can no longer separate themselves from them. These entangling bonds keep them from moving beyond where they are now. Thus, if one still values that relationship, something must be done, and fast.

For Example …

Let’s take for an example a husband and wife striving to live a Godly life together. Despite doing their best, sometimes there really are differences in personalities and upbringing. She may be very orderly while he is a tad bit sloppy.

After months of dealing with his sloppiness and seeming unconcern about him messing up what she took all afternoon to fix, she explodes over dinner saying, “Don’t realize how much effort I’ve put into cleaning up after you and the kids?! And now you are going to leave your socks on the couch and drag in mud on the floor?! Can you please put some effort into putting your things away properly and cleaning your mess?! It makes me feel like you don’t appreciate the things I do for our family!”

Now exploding at your spouse is not the best way to do things as there is a strong possibility that he will react negatively. But if he loves her, he will consider the context of what was said and make the proper adjustments.

So confrontation is a necessary part of a healthy relationship, but it needs to be done in the proper way and not through wrong methods.

What Should NOT be Done

While it is crucial to get to tackle the issue, there are some things that should be avoided.

1. Do NOT become passive aggressive

Many people wrongly believe that it is important that the “offender” knows that they are hurt, so they begin acting negatively in the hope that the offending person realizes the mistake and takes the first step to apologize and make amends.

Sadly, this method usually does not work out since people cannot read minds. Rather, new reasons for being upset with one another spring up.

2. Do NOT seek revenge

Something that is even worse than subtle aggression is revenge. A common saying is “two wrongs do not make a right” and that is true. Hurting the offender as much or even more than they hurt you will ultimately destroy your relationship.

3. Do NOT avoid the issue

There are those who choose to keep quiet instead. They tell themselves that they are simply waiting for the “right time” to share it but this time never happens. Avoiding the issue just allows the problem to build up into bitterness, eventually destroying what you have.

4. Do NOT embarrass them publicly

Some people do choose to confront the situation but with a jury of their peers, bringing up the hurts in front of friends, family or even strangers. Rather than fixing the problem, this just causes resentment, which strains the relationship even more.

What Should be Done Instead

1. DO set a time to discuss things in a friendly and private place

To make things work, you need to be proactive in mending the relationship rather than waiting for something to happen. And this is better done in a friendly and generally private area where both feel safe and comfortable. Invite them to lunch or to a coffee and then get to the point. Hopefully, the good ambiance will help soften up their heart.

2. DO consider preparing notes or a letter beforehand

Not everyone is blessed with great communication skills, especially when what will be shared is emotional and possibly quite painful. Note cards or even a letter can ensure that what you would like to communicate is understood loud and clear.

3. DO remain calm at all times

Since the objective is to fix an important relationship, it pays to stay cool and collected at all times. Being aggressive or even hysterical will not help at all.

In short, your heart has to be in the right place when you confront that important person. The idea is to mend what is broken (or bent out of shape) so that your relationship stays strong. So level with them and say, “I don’t think you realize how hurtful/offensive it is when you do “X.” It hurts/offends me because “Y,” and I’d appreciate it if you’d avoid doing it in the future.” Remember, it takes one to forgive and two to reconcile.

What if They View Things Differently?

Sometimes, despite the best of intentions, you may find yourself in the difficult spot where your friend, family member, or colleague strongly disagrees with what was shared. This is especially hard if they take the offensive, choosing to blame you for your skewed view of things or your supposed selfishness or oversensitivity.

Don’t Panic

Now before you start blaming yourself for the situation, recall the purpose of your talk. If you took the time to assess your feelings beforehand and were prepared for the encounter, then it is unlikely that you are wrong. If it was big enough that you wanted to address it, then there is probably truth to your hurt.

Listen Carefully to What is Said to You

Though it may hurt, sometimes what they have to say is also true. If their arguments against you are correct, then be willing to consider their hurts as well and work out a solution together.

However, be careful that they are not gaslighting you. “Gaslighting” is a term derived from the 1940s film Gaslight (based on the play Angel Street) in which a husband uses various deceptions to convince his wife she’s crazy so she won’t be believed when she reports strange things that are actually happening.

Rather than admitting that they are wrong, gaslighters try to turn the tables around by emotionally attacking the other in the hope that their accuser will change their mind. Their attacks are rarely based on fact or reason; instead, gaslighting usually takes the form of dismissive utterances such as, “You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already!”

If gaslighting IS the response, then insist on them on hearing you out and finding a rational solution together. If they still refuse, then perhaps it is time to reconsider just how important that relationship is to you.

If someone is not willing to be adult enough to consider mutual hurts, then it will be quite impossible to have a healthy relationship with them. In such circumstances, it may be better to move on without them lest they continue to take advantage of you and pull you down.

What if you can’t just pick up and leave?

Things become more complicated if the offending party is someone you cannot just leave behind. At this point, you may think that YOU are the one who is unreasonable, believing that that person can change for you. But remember, there is a big difference between differing opinions and hurtful behavior.

Should this be the case, then you ought to consider getting a third-party perspective. A Christian counselor can help you both sort out your feelings so you both do not succumb to temptation and possible retaliation. In Galatians 6:1 it says, “Brothers if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual restore them gently, but watch yourselves or you also may be tempted”.

But should that other person disagree with the idea, believing that it is a waste of their time, then you ought to still pursue such a counseling session on your own to get the appropriate advice. Your counselor can help you find a better way of communicating your concerns to the offending party to help fix what should not be broken.

Photos
“Holding Hands”, Courtesy of Redd Angelo, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “West Sumatra Volcano”, Courtesy of Marc Szeglat, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Avoidance”, Courtesy of Mario Azzi, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Sea of Calm”, Courtesy of Daniel Bowman, Unsplash.com; CC0 License

Save Your Marriage: Four Practical Tips to Strengthen Your Bond

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Without question, marriage is hard. Of course, ideally, you will have many times of joy, fun, and fulfillment. But you will also go through seasons of pain, turmoil, frustration, and strife. When these times inevitably come, you need to make sure you are ready and willing to tackle the issues at hand.

Part of this effort can be to seek professional help that will help you decipher the key issues in your relationship, and will assist you in rebuilding your marriage into all that God intends for it to be. Fight to save your marriage — it’s worth it.

Nowadays, marriage is seen as nothing more than a commodity; something that can be thrown away with ease. As Christians, we must seek to battle against the soaring rates of divorce and must desire to uphold this wonderful, God-given gift with all that we have.

Practical Tips to Save Your Marriage

Tip #1: Make sure love is more than a feeling

At the beginning of the relationship, love is often felt in a powerful and exhilarating way. The Greeks recognized this kind of love and called it “eros.” A physical attraction combined with outward personality qualities sets off a spark of feelings as two people come together.

In his book, Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix puts forward the argument that people are attracted to those who have the outward qualities that represent someone who will meet all their unmet love needs. He also adds that we are prone to picking someone who has some of the negative qualities of those we love (often parents) in the hope that we can learn how to get love from a person who may be deficient in loving us as we want.

Hendrix theorizes that the attraction to overtly negative qualities is largely subconscious and has more to do with an innate desire for the wholeness that we may have experienced in our mother’s womb.

Time, however, is the great leveler. Marriage doesn’t always stay super exciting and fresh, and love tends to fade as we realize that not only is our spouse unable to meet all our needs, but they will also sometimes be a source of frustration to us.

Another Greek word for love is “agape.” This love is a pure and selfless love that gives itself away whether or not the love is reciprocated. This type of love is often associated with God – indeed, we see it attested to in the Scriptures.

In Matthew 16:18, we see this type of love in action between Jesus and Peter. Jesus gives him the name “Rock” prior to him becoming worthy of such a title. Still, Jesus had confidence in this man, as he knew he would be a rock of the church once he had experienced the full extent of God’s love through His sacrifice.

This is a fantastic model and message to apply to your marriage. Sacrificial love is about always believing the best for your partner, and loving them through their failures.

Don’t seek to focus on the weakest parts of your spouse, but instead commit yourself to building them up and encouraging them in their gifts and pursuits. Always show them grace, knowing that you are not perfect either! This must be done out of a deep understanding of the grace that God shows to us every single day. A belief in sacrificial and selfless love can only help your marriage.

Tip #2: Deal with your desires

Couples therapist, John Gottman, describes how marriages fail through what he coins the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

The common theme among all of these damaging behaviors is that they focus solely on keeping marital issues far from the emotional part of our inner-being. They are all defense mechanisms that fail to deal with the root issues.

In James 4:1-4, we read about a much deeper approach to solving relational conflicts. James explains how the root of all conflict is a frustrated relational desire due to one or both people refusing to nurture a healthy relationship with God.

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” – James 4:1

Often, fighting is simply a result of one partner just naming what they really want. This passage teaches us to submit our desires to God first and foremost.

This process helps us to take ownership of our issues instead of constantly putting them on other people. We must have faith in God to meet our needs. If we interact with our spouse out of a place of ultimate trust in the Lord, our discussions and disagreements will become much healthier.

We must always turn to God and let him fill up where we are lacking. We cannot constantly look to our spouses for this – that would be too much to expect. They are going to get it wrong much of the time. Of course, we can improve our behavior toward one another, but we are going to mess up. When we do, will we seek to trust in the Lord’s love, or will we go on the attack against our partner? We must pray at all times, harboring a passion for the Lord and asking for more of his grace when dealing with our marital issues.

Tip #3: Put your marriage first, second only to God

Marriage is a God-ordained ordinance. The Lord expects us to put everything into upholding and respecting this holy covenant and union with another person.

If you want to build a firm foundation in your marriage, you must learn to honor and commit yourself to loving your spouse unconditionally. Intimacy in marriage is critical. Set time aside to connect with your spouse on a deep physical and spiritual level.

Life is crazy busy. Work commitments, kids, financial concerns – there is a lot to deal with. Marriages can begin to resemble something of a business arrangement – a way of simply getting things done.

Kids can also become a distraction, or even a focal point for the discontented spouse to pour themselves into. When children come along, be careful not to neglect your marriage.

Take good care of your kids, show them love and spend quality time with them, but don’t forget about your husband or wife! When the kids have all left home, you don’t want to discover that the intimacy in your marriage has been left stagnant and subsequently died out. So, how can you make your marriages a priority?

Here are a few more practical tips to help save your marriage:

  • Pray together daily
  • Regularly share what you’re learning in your spiritual walk together
  • Encourage your partner more than you criticize them
  • Seek out opportunities to build confidence in your spouse, help them deal with insecurity
  • Talk every day and plan regular date nights
  • Read books and take advice regarding how to improve your marriage
  • Discover a recreational activity that you both like doing together
  • Stay far away from adultery!

If your marriage is struggling for air and nothing seems to be improving despite your best efforts, it may be time to seek professional help.

Tip #4: Be the change you want to see in your marriage

It is easy for unhealthy patterns of behavior to become embedded within your marriage. When you are married, your shortcomings no longer go unnoticed. They affect the other person, and may even have a damaging consequence on your relationship. For example, a husband may be very self-absorbed and focused on their own needs, leaving their wife feeling abandoned and alone.

Over time, the wife will begin to feel disrespected, disengaged and unhappy. When this happens, marital dysfunction reaches a new level, and you really are in a relational danger zone.

Depression may come, anger and frustration may be exhibited, and the idea of splitting up may be considered. The crucial issue becomes, “How do I change a dysfunctional pattern that has built up in my marriage?”

There are ways of fixing it. First, you must take responsibility for your actions and refuse to blame everything on the other person. If you are acting selfishly, you can change this. Sure, there may be elements of this behavior that are caused by your spouse’s behavior, but you cannot lump it all upon their shoulders. That is not fair. You must own your shortcomings. In all of this, you must both seek to be honest and open in dealing with your issues.

Second, both partners should seek to respect each other and must aim to show each other grace as they push forward in dealing with their marital issues. If there is an imbalance in the relationship, or if one side feels unjustifiably grieved, it may be time to seek out professional help.

How Christian Counseling Can Help Save Your Marriage

As Christians, it is important to know that there is always hope for your marriage. With the right professional help, we must always have faith that the Lord can save our relationships. Indeed, marriage is a beautiful reflection of God’s gracious love for us, and it is highly valued by the Lord himself. You must keep this firmly in mind as you go about working on your marital issues – God is fighting for both of you!

Proverbs 15:22 reads, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers, they succeed.” Bringing a neutral and professionally trained third party into your marriage can help relieve tension and will provide you with essential insights into the dysfunctional patterns that have developed in your relationship over time.

With the guiding hand of God, a trained Christian therapist will be able to help you save your marriage and move forward with your spouse into a refreshed season of love, joy, and marital fulfillment.

Photos
“Trouble”, Courtesy of Nathan Dumlao, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Agape”, Courtesy of Alex Ronsdorf, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “God-centered Marriage”, Courtesy of Ben White, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Resignation”, courtesy of Alexander Mils, Unsplash.com; CC0 License

3 Simple Couples Counseling Techniques to Try at Home

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Getting marriage counseling isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign that you’re willing to invest in your marriage with the goals of achieving growth and a change for the better. Counseling allows for the pursuit of relational growth in a supportive context and a healthy structure for conversation.

Counseling offers a couple the chance to learn about each other’s thought life, personal history, and emotional worlds. It can give you tools and strategies for relating to one another, allowing you to forge a deeper connection, and opening both of you up to how the Lord might bring healing and direction into your marriage.

Counseling that takes place in a vacuum isn’t enough, however. There has to be a commitment to carry out what you’ve learned and to acton your new perspectives. This process is often encouraged by the use of “homework,” which is meant to help couples create new, healthier habits to foster intimacy.

3 Couples Counseling Techniques to Try at Home

Here are three couples counseling techniques that can be used as “homework” to help couples stay consistent with what they’ve learned in counseling sessions:

1) Emotional check-ins

The bond between spouses grows stronger when each offers the other focused attention. When we feel that someone is intentionally focusing on us, honing in on our feelings and wanting to communicate with us, we recognize that attention as love.

For focused attention to happen regularly, a structured habit should be formedof setting aside a particular time to focus on your spouse’s inner world and emotional state. The goal is for each spouse to feel heard and understood, leading to emotional closeness. These intentional moments can be referred to as emotional check-ins, heart check-ins, or connection times.

Couples should schedule uninterrupted time to talk and listen to each other from their hearts. This should be at a specified time and place, with a time limit (20-30 minutes is a good amount to start with), and each, in turn, should have a chance to share their current emotions and any relational needs.

One spouse should communicate his or her emotional condition, and the role of the other spouse is simply to listen well, interrupting only to clarify or mirror back what they’ve heard. Sometimes, a word list of feelings can help in communicating one’s emotional state at this point.

When the first spouse is finished, the other spouse should reflect back what they’ve heard and ask, “Is there anything you need from me regarding those feelings?”

This gives the spouse who has shared a chance to express his or her felt needs in the relationship. This allows each to consider and be aware of their own needs, as well as empathizing with their spouse’s emotions and desires, allowing both to feel loved, understood, and emotionally close.

2) Time-outs

In many relationships, one of the main goals of therapy is to teach healthy emotional self-regulation, including practices that can be used for self-soothing. The time-out tool is one such practice that is learned in the therapeutic settingbut is established outside that setting.

Sometimes during emotional check-ins or in the course of everyday life, one or both spouses may become frustrated. This is the time couples need a tool to de-escalate the situation and be able to clearly see the source of the frustration.

The practice of time-out can be used to de-escalate and gain clarity in a conflict situation. A time-out requires an agreed-upon decision to seek physical distance for the purpose of cooling down, but it implies the reassurance that the marriage and the discussion are still priorities.

This reassurance should take the form of a promise to come back and finish the conversation at a specified time. Used the right way, this tool can be highly beneficial for both spouses.

The best time to use a time-out is right when you notice a conversation beginning to take a turn for the worse. This way, hurtful interactions can be minimizedor avoided altogether. Time-outs are meant to build trust between spouses. This happens in two ways.

The first way time-outs build trust is that each spouse takes ownership of his or her own frustration or anger, and seeks de-escalation in a healthy and non-destructive way. The second way is by a spouse keeping his or her word to return to the conversation at the promised time.

The goal of time-outs is to teach healthy emotional regulation, foster emotional intimacy, and reassure each spouse of their importance to the other. The more often a time-out is initiated, the more beneficial this tool can be to a marriage.

3) Praying together

For couples who want to forge a deeper spiritual bond, the practice of praying together for each other and about their marriage can be a powerful homework assignment.

Prayer and humility are inextricably intertwined since prayer is simply crying out to God for help. Throughout the Bible, God calls believers to prayer, yet due to our pride, feelings of inadequacy, and even spiritual opposition, we often have difficulty with this discipline, especially in the presence of our spouse. However, typically, couples who pray together do tend to stay together.

The above are three examples of assignments often given to Christian couples in counseling sessions. These assignments are, of course, voluntary, and their effectiveness depends on the willingness of each spouse to commit to them.

If you and your spouse are interested in improving your marriage with couples counseling, please contact a counselor today.

Photos
“Married Fight,” courtesy of Gratisography, pexels.com, CC0 License; “Eye contact,” courtesy of Jeremy Wong, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Bench,” courtesy of Elvert Barnes, FCC (CC BY 2.0); “Fervent prayer,” courtesy of Ben White, unsplash.com, CC0 License

Pre-Marriage Counseling Topics to Address Before You Tie the Knot

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So you’re engaged; now what? Planning and preparing for your marriage (not just your wedding!) is the next step. Although you might find yourself caught up in the excitement and stress of getting ready for your big day, it’s important not to neglect the relational preparation you need to work through with your future spouse.

It’s vital to talk about the beliefs, expectations, and realities that will have an impact on your marriage long after the wedding is over.

Engagement is a time of joy and anticipation, but it can also bring out stress and conflict as plans get underway. So much energy can go into details related to the wedding that a pattern of neglect can form with regard to the relationship itself.

Premarital counseling is a good way to maintain intimacy throughout your engagement. It can help strengthen your relationship and facilitate constructive conversations and intentional preparation for the future.

Pre-Marriage Counseling Topics to Increase Intimacy

Discussing specific marriage-related topics can help you as a couple navigate the transition into marriage in a healthy way. Here are four examples:

1. Communication

Couples who struggle with communication may fear to seek counseling because it might compel them to talk about painful topics. But counseling can be a safe place to work on having open communication between the two of you. It’s a neutral, confidential setting to explore subjects that need discussion, as well as how each of you naturally tends to communicate.

We all have an instinctive communication style we prefer, based on our personalities and the way our parents and family of origin related to one another. We might think that our own communication style is what’s normal for everyone, but it can be shocking to find out that our spouse essentially speaks a different language than we do, and that’s considered “normal” to them.

Because of this, spouses often misunderstand and misinterpret one another just because of their different ways of communicating. There is much room for growth in intentionally learning how your partner communicates and how to speak their language. You can talk about certain phrases you each tend to use and what you mean by them.

Couples often think that their spouse should be able to automatically understand what they’re thinking or feeling. After all, they know each other so well, right? But this just isn’t the case.

We may develop an understanding of our spouse’s patterns over time, but no matter how long we are married, we will never be able to “just know” what another person is thinking or feeling unless they tell us explicitly. Otherwise, incorrect assumptions are inevitable.

When you don’t feel understood by your spouse, you’re much more likely to have communication problems or hurt feelings. As time goes by in your marriage, you’ll grow to understand each other better, but even then be sure to give each other grace for not being mind-readers.

The potential for hurt is actually greater when you feel as though your partner should understand you because of how long you’ve been married or how close you are to each other.

So engagement is the perfect time to start laying a foundation for healthy communication. Learn how to communicate your thoughts and emotions clearly and respectfully. Create habits of open communication, letting your partner know what’s going on with you, without assuming that they already understand.

Creating these communication patterns early on in your relationship gives you practice in handling conflict in a way that is mutually beneficial. Encourage each other and alert yourselves to potential communication breakdowns, especially those based on possibly false assumptions about the other person. Patterns of communication formed over a lifetime are difficult to break, so now is the time to adjust your habits of interaction.

2. Sexuality

In Christian environments, it may seem taboo to mention sexuality, but it’s vital to cover in premarital counseling. Sexuality is about more than the act itself; it’s a powerful instrument of connection between married couples, allowing physical and emotional intimacy to flourish.

Engaged couples often feel that they can skim over the topic of sexuality and that their sexual relationship within marriage will be effortlessly good, but this isn’t always the case.

Each future spouse has expectations, concerns, and questions related to marital intimacy, and premarital counseling is one of the best places to discuss these things. You can reflect on where your assumptions about sex developed (family, friends, education, etc.) and what expectations you’re bringing in to your marriage.

It’s important to discuss how you will cultivate your sexual relationship within marriage, along with any concerns or curiosities you may be bringing into it. Depending on your comfort level, set some intentional time aside to discuss physical intimacy and how it will progress after your wedding day.

Don’t forget to discuss the practical matters too. What about birth control? How will this affect your relationship and any future plans to have children? Also, consider privacy and how it will be to live together if you have not already cohabitated. It can be quite an adjustment going from having your own space, even with your family of origin or a roommate, to sharing everything with a spouse.

As a couple, what can you talk about now that will make these adjustments easier? How much privacy do you each prefer? Contrary to expectations for a perfect Hollywood-esque relationship, real marriage can be hard, and busy schedules can make it difficult to carve out time for a spontaneous, exciting love life. Although it may seem less romantic, it’s often important to be very intentional in setting aside time for physical intimacy.

 3. Inner World

This is an opportunity to discuss your desire for your spouse to know and understand you deeply. Although you probably have this desire, it can also be frightening to be known this closely. In order to be close and increase intimacy, vulnerability is required. You have to let your spouse in.

A way to start doing this to explore each other’s inner world. This means getting to know your partner’s hopes, dreams, likes, dislikes, fears, and anything related to their preferences and desires.

Drs. John and Julie Gottman have described this process as creating “love maps.” Dr. John Gottman’s research has indicated that couples whose love maps are detailed tend to have stronger and more intimate relationships than those with less developed love maps.

This process of getting to know one another’s inner worlds is an ongoing activity that should characterize your marriage over the course of your lives. In the same way that a city changes over time, with new construction and expansions, our inner worlds do the same.

It takes work to get to know your spouse’s deepest desires, dreams, and fears, and when you do this, you’re creating your “love map” of their inner world. Love maps increase intimacy, because not only are you getting to know your spouse better, you’re investing time and value into the process.

Intentionally seeking greater intimate knowledge of your spouse should be at times that are relaxed, when both partners feel safe and comfortable (i.e., not during a conflict) and able to absorb what the other person is sharing. It’s a good addition to a date night. You can make it more structured by taking turns asking each other questions and discussing memories, struggles, joys, hopes, fears, and dreams.

Inner worlds are complex, layered, and only reveal themselves with time and effort. Life changes shape the details of our inner worlds. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman says, “If you don’t start off with a deep knowledge of each other, it’s easy for your marriage to lose its way when your lives shift so suddenly and dramatically.”

For this reason, it’s best to create the habit of getting to know each other’s inner worlds early on in your relationship. Then you will have the tools to learn new things about your spouse throughout your marriage, which you can add to your “love map” of them.

4. Conflict Management

For some people, talking about conflict might seem counterintuitive. Oftentimes couples have the idea that the less conflict, the better; if they just got rid of conflict altogether, they would have a much better relationship.

But this isn’t the case. Conflict isn’t a bad thing that should be avoided at all costs. Instead, it’s an inevitable aspect of every human relationship, and handling it in a healthy way offers a key opportunity for genuine intimacy.

Conflict is unavoidable at some level, but the way you achieve intimacy through conflict lies in how you deal with it. Equipping yourselves with healthy conflict management skills gives you a chance to resolve issues without hurting each other emotionally. This way you can learn to understand your spouse in a deeper way, without leaving scars from hurtful conflict.

If there is a topic you know is likely to cause conflict, learning how to approach it without being on the defensive is an invaluable skill. Conflict does not have to turn into an ugly argument or be avoided altogether; instead, it can be resolved in a healthy way, and this knowledge can make each partner in the relationship feel more hopeful and confident when approaching difficult topics.

A willingness to examine current conflict patterns in your relationship is a helpful first step. You can identify any patterns that are destructive and that serve to escalate disagreements rather than settling them.

Once you’ve identified these patterns, you both can work on changing them to more constructive ways of dealing with the situation, allowing you to resolve disagreements in a way that allows for growth and intimacy.

A Christian Pre-Marriage Counseling Perspective

A Christian counselor can help facilitate these conversations, leading to the best outcome for both of you as you work toward greater intimacy. Depending on which topics you’re discussing, a counselor may give you extra materials, education, or practical exercises to work on the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship.

Every relationship has both strong points and areas where growth is needed, and addressing these points early on will allow you to build a strong foundation of intimacy.

One of the main objectives of premarital counseling is for the counselor to help you discover the preconceived notions and expectations you each bring to the intended marriage. This is a way for couples to get to know one another and possibly grow closer than they have been before.

Vulnerability opens the door to intimacy, allowing a beautiful chance for growth and flourishing. God’s desire is for married couples to experience oneness and openness through being intimate with one another.

This sacred unity develops over a lifetime, as both learn to submit to one another and to Christ. He uses this journey to transform us to be more like Him, which is part of His intended purpose in creating marriage.

Please remember that no couple is going to master and flawlessly implement perfect communication skills, love maps, or conflict resolution, especially before the wedding has even taken place.

Premarital counseling is simply a place to begin, and to give you knowledge and tools to help you with the transition into marriage. It allows you to be more aware of patterns in your relationship and the tools you’ll need for growth both now and in the future.

But growth always takes time, and it’s very normal for a marriage to take at least a year to settle into a comfortable harmony and flow.  Marriage is a constantly-changing, ever-evolving journey of growing in intimacy, communication, and love.

The premarital counselor is simply a facilitator of discussions that will hopefully continue throughout your marriage as you resolve conflicts, get to know each other’s inner worlds and build a stronger relationship.

If you are engaged or planning to be soon, and you think premarital counseling could be beneficial for your relationship, let us know how we can work with you to prepare you for a godly marriage.

Photos
“Engaged”, Courtesy of Ben White, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Conversation”, courtesy of Christin Hume, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Hopes and Dreams”, Courtesy of Edward Cisneros, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Lightning”, Courtesy of Casey Horner, Unsplash.com; CC0 License

The Benefits of Seeing a Family Counselor

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Information overload – two words that describe today’s world, with all the available resources online on just about anything under the sun.

Want to learn how to be a better Christian? Or how to improve your marriage? Want to be more productive at school/work? There’s a flurry of articles, websites, and experts available within arm’s reach that can get quite overwhelming.

While this information age is a great thing for this generation, the negative side is that it also brings about an unrealistic amount of pressure to produce the perfect kids. We know that this is literally impossible, but it’s still easy to get sucked into the idea that somehow it’s attainable. This creates big problems.

Priorities: Balancing Family Roles, Demands, and Contentment

How do you solve this crisis then? How do you find that delicate balance for all the various roles you play, remain content and grounded, with all the conflicting messages you are subject to? You need to prioritize.

God. He needs to be the number one priority in your life. Matthew 6:33 says, “Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” It’s important to stay grounded in Christ first and foremost. This will keep your feet on the right path. Make your relationship with Him a top priority and let your children see this so that they, too, may take after you in prioritizing a godly life.

Marriage. It is often said that the most important decision you’ll ever make in your life, second only to surrendering your life to Christ, is the choice of a spouse. Choosing a godly spouse will enable you to raise your children in the way of the Lord and leave them a godly heritage.

This, in turn, encourages them to do the same for their own children. In effect, a stable, loving, godly relationship with your spouse has the power to influence multiple generations. So after prioritizing God the need to prioritize your spouse comes next.

This means putting your spouse before your children. If that means taking a break regularly from your parenting duties, go ahead. Make sure your children see you modeling a healthy marriage relationship early on. Here are a few ways to do that:

  1. Set aside some time daily one-on-one time with your spouse and teach your children that this is your special time together and should not be interrupted.
  2. Intentionally schedule date nights – away from the kids.
  3. Plan a romantic weekend getaway with your spouse every once in a while. Arrange childcare with family or friends who may be able to care for the kids in your absence.

Boundaries

Boundaries are important. They provide guardrails for you and your family to know when it’s okay to relax and let loose, and when you’re dangerously close to crossing a line. Boundaries are essential for you as a person, as a spouse, and as a parent. It helps you protect what you value.

Set boundaries by taking care of yourself. You won’t be able to handle all the demands that life throws your way if you don’t prioritize your self-care. Your children need to see you taking care of yourself.

Whether it’s a healthy diet, exercise, deepening your relationship with God, spending time with friends, with your husband or precious time alone, let them see that you take care of you too.

Set boundaries with technology and social media use for yourself and your family. Advancements in technology have enabled people to be more productive and organized.

But if misused, it also has the power to drive a wedge between family members as you focus on your things and forget to enjoy each other’s company. So put limits where necessary in order to maintain healthy relationships. Have designated tech-free times to just enjoy one another.

Social media has many great uses – it helps you connect with people you may not get to see regularly and helps builds relationships; it also has its negative aspects- it can lead to unhealthy comparisons between your own life and what others project of their own lives.

Social media boundaries are necessary to strengthen trust, so it is important to establish guidelines with your spouse regarding what’s appropriate and acceptable when it comes to interacting with others on social media.

Children need to be aware of such boundaries as well, young and easily impressionable as they are. Talk to them about appropriate social media use so they will learn to use it in a way that benefits them, and avoid its pitfalls.

As a parent, you already know how important boundaries are for children. One mistake that some parents tend to make is not setting boundaries for activities and overstimulating their children, for example, swimming practice early in the morning, squeeze in a second language class after class right before violin practice, tennis early morning the next day, a third language class and drum lessons before dinner. That’s just too much.

Decide with your spouse how many activities you will allow your children to be in. Let the child choose for him/herself within the boundaries that you’ve set. When they know they have the freedom to move within these boundaries, they are able to relax and become less anxious. It’s important to remember that it’s actually okay for children to be bored at times, so don’t overschedule your kids.

Helicopter Parenting

Helicopter parenting, a term coined for the style of parenting where parents are overly focused on their kids, can cause children to be anxious. Focusing too much on them may also mean that other areas of your life, like your relationship with your spouse, with God and self-care, are prone to suffer.

Here are five signs of helicopter parenting as identified by author Meg Meeker, M.D.:

  1. Whenever there’s a problem, your child calls you. Every single time.
  2. Your child has a difficult time handling disappoint.
  3. Your child does not appreciate the value of hard work and tends to look for shortcuts.
  4. When your child has homework, you end up doing it. You also have a tendency to advocate on her behalf when you call the teacher.
  5. You spend a lot of time researching the best everything for your child – best preschool, best vitamins, best organic food.

Hal Runkel, the author of Scream Free Parenting, suggests that parents allow their children to experience natural consequences of their mistakes. Don’t always come to their rescue so they will learn to avoid these mistakes in the future.

It’s easier said than done though, as it can be instinctual for a parent to want to spare their children from pain. As someone once said, “Good decisions come from experience, experience comes from making bad decisions.”

Proverbs 22:6 says, “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” This verse teaches that parents should begin teaching their children the right way as early as possible, and not wait until they’re older when habits would’ve already been formed. You need to be consistent in the way you raise your young kids for them to catch what you’re teaching.

Allow them room to discover their own abilities and make mistakes. Don’t do anything for them that they can already do for themselves, lest you communicate lack of trust in their abilities.

For instance, if you tell your child to pick up after himself, but he doesn’t obey even after repeatedly telling him, you may have the urge to clean up after him. However, this teaches him that if he delays following you or doing his chores, you will end up doing it for him. So as long as it is possible, hold yourself back. Remember that delayed obedience is disobedience.

Some families still wake up their high school-age children to go to school. These kids were not trained early on to wake up by themselves, and so they face the consequences of not doing so.

One mom was even monitoring her collegiate child’s schedules, assignments and deadlines online, devising a plan on how the child should study and meet all these deadlines. In both scenarios, the children have not been taught nor encouraged to do things independently, and this presents a big problem for both the parents and the children.

If this sounds familiar to you, you need to take a step back. Calm your own anxieties. Teach your child well, and then trust his/her child’s ability to take care of him/herself. By doing so, you are showing your child that you have confidence in him/her, thereby giving him/her room to mature into a fully-functioning adult.

Right now you might be wondering why or how parents end up over-parenting. One major cause is comparison with other children. With the widespread use of social media and technology, it’s very easy for parents to compare their children with the parenting style and children of other parents.

This can lead to a tremendous amount of guilt, discontent, and anxiety. You begin to feel that you’re not good enough, you’re not doing it right, or that your kids would be better off with this or that. It’s not easy to overcome this kind of parenting guilt. But here are four ways, according to Christy Wright of Business Boutique:

  1. Remember that you are not responsible for everything, so don’t be a martyr. Let the pieces fall where they may.
  2. Give yourself some much-needed affirmation. How you spend your time – at work, with your spouse, with your child, are all important. But the most critical time you could spend is with God.
  3. Keep in mind that you are not perfect, and a perfect parent is not what your kids need. Kids need parents who are present emotionally and physically. To be this for them, you need to give yourself grace. Take time out if necessary, and enjoy your marriage with your spouse.
  4. Let your kids see that you are taking care of yourself. Let them see that you enjoy life as a parent, a spouse, a whole person. Make sure that you reflect the truth of God’s word in Psalm 127:3, “Children are a blessing from the Lord, and the fruit of the womb is His reward.”

How a Family Counselor Can Help

It is definitely easier said than done. It’s no small feat to get out of this cycle, particularly if this has been a long-time struggle for you and your family. If that’s the case, a professional Christian family counselor can help you get back on the right track.

There is absolutely no shame in seeking the services of a family counselor if it will better your family. Seeking professional help may be one of the best things you can do, as it will enable you to become not just a better parent, but a better spouse and follower of Jesus too.

Reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness. If you think you could benefit from this kind of help, reach out today. We would love to have the opportunity to work with you in helping you and your family work through the issues that keep you from living the abundant life God has promised.

Photos
“Digital life”, Courtesy of Ewan Robertson, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Pause,” courtesy of Charles Nadeau, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0); “Helicopter”, Courtesy of Marc Wieland, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Shame”, Courtesy of Sevenheads, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

What is Codependency? 12 Common Signs of Codependent Relationships

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What is codependency? Codependency is common and most people struggle with it to some degree. If you find yourself constantly sacrificing for others, setting your needs to the side, and always seeking to fix the person or present problem you might be struggling with codependent tendencies. The inability to feel whole just as you are requires you to look for that feeling somewhere else.

The “need to be needed” fuel’s the life of a codependent. In the book, Codependence: Healing the Human Condition, Charles L. Whitfield calls codependence a “disease of lost selfhood.”

He says that we become codependent when we turn our responsibility for ourselves over to someone else. We lose sight of who we are and what we want because of our attempts to be what others want us to be.

We learn how to relate to others through our family of origin and so our childhood might give clues as to how our codependency began. For example, children in alcoholic families learn to avoid emotions and to define themselves through others.

If a child was forced to take care of a drug-addicted parent, this could develop into adult codependency.  “Codependent No More” author, Melody Beattie, identifies characteristics of codependents.

Here we will examine twelve of those characteristics.

12 Signs of Codependency

1. Desire to Fix

Codependents love to help. This is most often the case because they believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

Codependents need to feel needed. If they aren’t fixing a person or situation, then their identity feels unstable and emptiness sets in. The codependent person always wants to be the one to handle every crisis.

2. Self-Sacrificing

They often overcommit themselves and will neglect their own needs to meet someone else’s needs. Their partner’s happiness is their responsibility. This tendency often makes codependents targets for people with narcissistic personalities.

They struggle to say no when someone asks for something. A codependent person can look like a hero to others, but in truth, their help is motivated by unhealthy impulses.  Codependents are the types that need to be reminded to put their own airplane mask on before helping the person in the seat next to them.

3. Poor Boundaries

People struggling with codependency also struggle with boundaries. As a child, perhaps generational boundaries were blended, and you had to take on the role of a parent. Weak or nonexistent boundaries can form for a variety of reasons, but setting and maintaining firm boundaries is critical to teaching others to respect you.

They provide a sort of “force field” that prevents the kind of emotional abuse that can happen in close (though dysfunctional) relationships. Boundaries tell people how to treat us.  If there aren’t any boundaries, codependents risk becoming a doormat.  By setting and respecting healthy boundaries, you can retrain your relationships.

4. Unhealthy attachments

Codependents are constantly seeking approval, yet recoil at the thought of rejection. They are unable to find personal satisfaction and crave being attached to someone for their happiness.

Codependents stay in abusive relationships because they believe either that the other person will change or is the only one that will love them. Codependents can become obsessed with being with a friend or partner.

5. Fluctuating self-worth

Codependents lack confidence in themselves. They have a sense that they are not worthy and nothing that they ever do is good enough. They long for compliments, but when they get them, they reject them because they think them untrue. Their self-worth is similar to a yo-yo as it bounces up and down and hinges on what the important people in their life say about them.

6. Repression

Codependents are often rigid and controlled. They are often afraid to be who they really are for fear of being judged. Codependents usually learn at an early age to repress their emotions.

7. Obsession

Codependents worry about everything and everybody to the point of obsession. They become enmeshed with others and are often anxious about other’s problems. They focus all their energy on someone else as a result of their deeply ingrained dependency.  Often, they can’t let go of a relationship because of their obsession with that person.

8. Controlling

Codependency often forms after growing up in an uncontrollable environment, possibly with an alcoholic or emotionally absent parent. Codependents have a habit of manipulating people by using guilt, helplessness or even extreme kindness. It’s important for the codependent to feel in control.  They believe they can change someone and that changing them will make them happy.

9. Denial

Codependents smile in faux agreement with a friend. They pretend that things aren’t as bad as they seem or make excuses for a loved one’s behavior.  They bury themselves in work and pretend the problem doesn’t exist.

10. Dysfunctional communication

Codependents often don’t communicate properly. They find it difficult to communicate their own thoughts, feelings, and needs because they don’t know them. They often wait to express their opinions until they know what other people are thinking. They try to say what will please people or what will get others to do what they want. They don’t say what they mean or mean what they say.

11. Lack of trust

Codependents lack trust in themselves and others. This is usually seen when trust was damaged at an early age in life and has never been truly recovered. They doubt their feelings and decisions. They think that God has abandoned them and they can lose their faith in God.

12. Anger

Codependents are often filled with suppressed anger that they don’t know how to manage effectively. When people don’t do what codependents want, they feel angry, victimized, unappreciated and powerless.

Codependents often feel afraid, hurt, and angry, and they often live with others who are the same way. They cry regularly, get depressed, overreact, get sick, and have violent temper outbursts. They often punish others for making them feel angry.

Codependency usually stems from experiences that occurred in childhood that have bled over into adult life. Treatment consists of exploring some of those childhood memories and looking at current codependent behavior patterns.

If you have identified with any of the signs listed above and want to delve more into those problem areas, consider reaching out to a Christian counselor today. Choosing the right counselor can make all the difference on your road to recovery.

Photos
“Bondage”, Courtesy of Josh Johnson, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Do More”, Courtesy of Carl Heyerdahl, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Worry”, Courtesy of Maria Victoria Heredia Reyes, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Distrust”, Courtesy of Joshua Rawson Harris, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Common Abandonment Issues: Do You See Yourself Here?

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Most people have struggled with some level of fear of being ‘abandoned.’ For many of us, this may be intrinsic to our thinking. We can often feel as if we are inadequate for the people that we are in a relationship with, and we may worry that they will suddenly leave us because of this. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can provide support in addressing these fears and building healthier, more secure relationships.

As a result, this can lead to trust issues which can manifest themselves as an inability to commit to those same relationships that are so dear to our us. It is so important to recognize these abandonment issues before they start affecting the way in which we interact with those around us.

10 Common Abandonment Issues

Here are 10 of the most common abandonment issues. Are any of these true of you?

1. You Struggle to Let People In

Do you feel as if you constantly have to keep your guard up? Do you set up boundaries around your life in a way that protects you from giving too much away to your loved ones? Some of this can be healthy, but when you are unable to be vulnerable before those who are dearest to you, you have a problem.

2. You Detach Yourself From Those Nearest To You

Do you ever feel as if you are distancing yourself from those around you? Are you closing off from your partner? While over-dependence is never healthy, it is relationally appropriate for you to have some level of dependence on your loved ones. This helps nurture a deep, lasting relationship.

3. You Are Overly Clingy

We all get a bit clingy sometimes. When something happens in your life that threatens to rock your foundations, it is natural to want to cozy up with your partner.

But a perpetual state of clinginess is not healthy and may indicate that you are harboring a deeper issue related to abandonment. Clingy people can be overly demanding, and their relationships are likely to be dysfunctional.

4. You Struggle To Feel Love

Do you struggle to give and receive affection? Do you often feel numb when you are around your loved ones? People who fear abandonment often struggle to engage in any physical affection and may withdraw from situations where this has the potential to occur. Bonding becomes very difficult, and relationships often become strained.

5. You Seek To Control

Those who struggle with abandonment live in a constant state of relational uncertainty. This often produces controlling behavior. Do you commit yourself to knowing everything about your partner’s whereabouts at all times? Do you “blackmail” your partner in order to keep them from leaving you? This kind of behavior undermines any foundation of trust you are seeking to build and renders the relationship stilted and unhappy.

6. You Think The Worst Of People

Does the worst-case scenario always seem like the most likely outcome to you? Do you constantly think that those closest to you harbor ulterior motives as to why they want to spend time with you?

Do you always shy away from conflict, fearing that you will fall out with people and that they will abandon you? These negative core beliefs about yourself and others can lead to fractured and damaging relationships.

7. You Are Always Looking For Flaws

Do you compile a list of your partner’s failings? Do you dwell on the small wrongs you have suffered at their hands? Are you always on the lookout for flaws that you can pick up on in others? This mindset often stems from a fear of closeness. In order to protect yourself, you seek to find imperfections in others and demand perfection from yourself.

8. You Fear Intimacy

Do you run at the first sign of any real intimacy? Those who harbor an issue related to abandonment tend to go either way when it comes to engaging in a relationship. They either hold on far too tight and smother their partner, or they fail to show adequate commitment, leaving their partner feeling discouraged and insecure.

9. You Have Very Weak Boundaries

Those dealing with abandonment issues may find themselves in codependent relationships. Do you constantly seek to keep your partner happy because you are afraid they might leave you?

Do you make excuses for your partner’s poor behavior because you fear the consequences that standing up to them or pointing out any of their faults would bring? Do you constantly feel as if you must prove your worth in the relationship? Inevitably, this leads to an unhealthy relationship.

10. You Are Overly Sensitive

Do you often find yourself overreacting? Do you put up walls of defense at any sign of danger? If you feel as if you are going to be abandoned, you may find yourself incapable of dealing with any criticism, even if it is offered in love. Relentlessly attempting to justify your behavior produces frustration in those around you and often results in poorly maintained relationships.

The good news is, there’s hope! You do not have to be driven by your fear of abandonment. With the right help from a professionally trained counselor, you can be equipped with the right tools to help you throw off insecurity, doubt, and anxiety, and participate in therapy that is tailored to suit your emotional needs. You will be given the help required to start building healthy, lasting, and life-giving relationships with those around you. Newport Beach Christian Counseling is here to provide the support you need to overcome these challenges and thrive in your relationships.

Photos
“Empty,” courtesy of Eddy Lackmann, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Diselo a la mano!” courtesy of Pablo, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY-SA 2.0); “Angry,” courtesy of Forrest Cavale, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Morning Chills,” courtesy of Ian Dooley, unsplash.com, CC0 License

How to Deal with Conflict in Marriage

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When quarreling with your spouse, it’s difficult to remember any rules or courtesies about how to argue reasonably. Your emotions are taking over, and there isn’t time to think rationally. Entering a disagreement level-headed is nice in theory, but much easier said than done. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help guide you through these challenges and foster healthier communication in your marriage.

Dr. Susan Johnson says that telling couples they should follow certain rules during a fight will just set them up to fail. Instead, she offers the advice to try limiting the hurt caused during the argument, and lovingly make amends afterward.

Myths about Dealing with Conflict in Marriage

Below are three well-known myths about dealing with conflict in marriage, followed by more practical ways to handle issues.

Myth #1: Just Stay Calm

The whole reason you are fighting in the first place is because you aren’t feeling calm. Something is obviously upsetting you enough to bring it up and hash it out. During a disagreement, there are usually two levels of conflict going on. The first level is the topic you are actually fighting about (i.e., a broken promise, laundry that wasn’t done). The second level is how this disappointment makes you feel and what it means for your relationship. Something as simple as the trash not being taken out (after they said they would) brings up emotions of whether or not you can trust your partner’s word.

This contributes to the hurt emotions you are feeling, and why it is hard to remain calm during an argument with your spouse. The fight isn’t simply about chores left undone. It is also about how they have ruined your trust in them, and what that could mean for the future. If you can’t count on them with this menial task, what will happen when something more critical comes along?

Myth #2: Be Reasonable and Specific

“When the fear center of my brain is glowing red, my cortex, the seat of deliberate reasoning, is most often not online” (Johnson). More helpful advice would be to try refraining from saying something you might regret. When your feelings have been hurt, it is a natural reaction to want to hurt the other person in revenge. Do not give in to that temptation.

Johnson compares the act of making a threat to trying to rearrange your living room by throwing a grenade in there. Doing so may give you the advantage, and definitely changes the scenario. However, you have to consider if it is the best way to handle the problem. “As one of my clients told me, ‘When she uses the D word, divorce I mean, it’s like I have a pen knife and she has a nuclear weapon. I just freeze up. I can’t talk at all’” (Johnson).

Myth #3: Take a Time-Out

On the surface, it may seem like you are trying to push your spouse away when you argue with them. However, the real reason you are trying to communicate is to share your insecurities and concerns with them. This would be futile if they just walked away from you.

“I think in many of us this is just going to trigger higher levels of alarm and resentment. Aren’t we all just a little threatened by our loved one being able to turn and walk away, as if we didn’t matter at all? In my practice, the only people who can use ‘time-outs’ are those who have very mild fights and tons of love between them – that is, those who don’t really need it” (Johnson).

This doesn’t mean you should let the fight get carried away, but don’t try ending it by ignoring your partner. If things start to get out of control, say something. Tell them you value and want to hear what they have to say, but both of you are communicating unproductively.

What to Do After a Fight

Disagreements come up. Fights are going to happen. This is part of being human and the fact that we all make mistakes. Therefore, try not to avoid conflict altogether. Focus on limiting the damage and repairing it afterward.

When discussing your fight, Johnson suggests concentrating on how you feel instead of your spouse’s actions. What is it that upset you and caused the ensuing argument? How did you feel during the fight? Why did you feel that way?

“You can both assume, if it was a serious fight, that you scared each other. Our research shows that you can heal hurts and create a love that lasts by showing your partner that you care about their feelings and opening the door to what I call a Hold Me Tight conversation” (Johnson).

When Paul writes to the New Testament churches, he continually reminds them to share one another’s burdens. He also tells them to forgive those who have wronged them. The same thing is required in a marriage. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

During arguments, you will do and say harmful things out of anger or fear. Concentrating on being kind and loving will help you be less hurtful toward your partner. It will also help you focus on where they are coming from and what they are trying to communicate.

How Christian Counseling Can Help You Deal with Conflict in Marriage

There is no way to avoid conflict in marriage. In fact, Johnson says that it is unhealthy even to try. She compares it to two people trying to dance, but are so nervous about stepping on each other’s toes that they don’t put their feet anywhere.

If you are worried about the magnitude of your quarrels, you may want to make an appointment with a Christian marriage counselor Newport Beach. They are there to provide a safe space for discussing your problems. They can help you pinpoint your fears and figure out what motivates your emotional outbursts.

Photos
“Overwhelmed,” courtesy of Nik Shuliahin, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Worried,” courtesy of Had Limcaco, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Conversation,” courtesy of rawpixel.com, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Forever,” courtesy of Gus Moretta, unsplash.com, CC0 License 

Getting Over an Affair: Can Christian Marriages Survive Infidelity?

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Possibly the worst betrayal you can experience is having your spouse choose to get his or her needs met outside of your marriage, whether those needs are physical or emotional. Is it possible for a Christian marriage to recover from an affair? What does forgiveness look like? Where is the hope in this situation?

The good news is that there is always hope. But this hope requires a willingness on the part of both spouses, the betrayer and the betrayed, to work through the situation with openness and honesty and a common goal of reconciliation.

Important Steps for Getting Over an Affair

This process of getting over an affair is extremely difficult to undertake, but if there is true repentance, the right form of counseling, and helpful strategies, a marriage can become even stronger than it was prior to the affair.

Ask For Forgiveness

It’s essential that the spouse who strayed asks their husband or wife to forgive them, but it’s also important to consider others who were affected by their sin. This might include one’s children or grandchildren, or other people like extended family, friends, and coworkers.

Humbling ourselves enough to admit wrongdoing is very difficult. It takes great effort and courage, but it’s so important to ask for forgiveness from those who were affected by our selfish, foolish, and sinful actions.

Seek Counseling

Everyone involved in and affected by an affair must walk through the difficult recovery process. This is a time when it’s vital to have someone else walk with us through a difficult season, so a pastor or trained Christian counselor Newport Beach should be involved.

In order to pursue the goal of getting over an affair and restoring the marriage, a mediator is helpful to facilitate conversations that are constructive and authentic. Having an outsider bring their perspective to the marriage can shed a lot of light on what contributed to the breach. This mediator can also provide accountability and guidelines for protecting the marriage going forward.

Share the Hurt Honestly

Getting over an affair requires peeling back many layers of hurt and betrayal in the betrayed spouse: in their emotions, spirit, mind, and body. All of their thoughts and hurts should be treated as important. Each layer needs to be examined so that the pain caused by the affair is evident.

It can be difficult to realize that sometimes the betraying spouse also has legitimate hurts from his or her marriage. This isn’t to justify adultery, but it’s possible that there are struggles that were taking place before the affair that should be addressed.

Listen and Admit to Personal Wrongs

It’s very hard to listen to our faults being described and be willing to admit our culpability. It’s even harder to listen to our wrongs and not respond by justifying our actions. There is a time for explanations, but this is not that time. It is very important to acknowledge that what you’ve done has caused deep pain for your spouse.

Identify Negative Patterns in the Relationship

There were probably negative patterns in the marriage before the affair started. To change these patterns and heal the marriage, the causes need to be identified. Like many marriages, yours may only have been surviving instead of thriving.

A pastor or counselor can help identify some of these negative patterns, such as lack of time spent together, lack of connection over hopes and dreams, preoccupation with daily life over developing intimacy, social media addiction, or prioritizing other relationships. Figuring out these unhealthy patterns is an important part of moving toward reconciliation.

Agree to Establish Healthy Patterns in the Relationship

Once these negative patterns have been identified, it’s time to put in place and work toward positive goals and then to ask what things need to be done in order to effect lasting change.

Establish Intentional Time Together (date night, face-time, and couch time)

For any marriage to thrive, and especially for one to heal from adultery, a couple has to intentionally set aside time to be together. This can be a weekly date night routine, having face-time twice a week in order to reconnect, or having daily “couch time” when the kids know it’s Mom and Dad’s time to spend talking.

Especially if kids are aware that an affair took place, it’s important that they see their parents spending time reconnecting and talking, and even eventually laughing together.

Establish Accountability

It’s crucial to ask a trusted friend or pastor to provide ongoing accountability. This isn’t just for the purpose of preventing another affair, but to ensure that the strategies put in place are carried out consistently. Questions such as “When are you going on a date?” or, “Did you have face-to-face time this week?” can help keep those habits in place.

Forgive, and be Willing to Move On

It’s not helpful to constantly refer to the affair going forward. Once the hurt has been shared and processed, and there’s been forgiveness and reconciliation, it’s crucial to focus on the positive to move forward.

New feelings will undoubtedly arise and can be shared and worked through, but the affair should not be used to shame or coerce the betraying spouse.

Understand that Grieving Takes a While

Even once the adultery has been forgiven, the grieving process is still happening, and each person has their own timeline for grief. Some may recover well within months, and for others, it may take years.

There needs to be an understanding that things are going to be hard and there will be some setbacks along the way, but there’s hope as long as things keep moving ahead and the marriage is being strengthened.

Abide by the Covenant of Marriage

And lastly, let’s remember that the only covenant on earth that we have, apart from God’s covenant with us, is our covenant with our spouse. This isn’t a contract you can cancel at any time; it’s a sacred vow. It’s not a relationship that’s a trap, but a context in which to thrive.

Don’t hesitate to invest time, energy, and even finances in your marriage (such as having a romantic getaway without children). Marriage isn’t an automatic success; rather, it is either invested in or it is not. Especially if you’re trying to help your marriage recover from an affair, you need to be willing to invest in it and make it a top priority.

When you are willing to seek Christian marriage counseling early on in the recovery process, you’ll prevent future heartache resulting from unresolved issues. Being married means living out the parable of Christ’s relationship with His church. So even when it’s difficult, it’s worth our time, effort, and desire. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can support you in this journey.

Photos
“Let’s Sit a While,” courtesy of I’m Priscilla, unsplash.com, Public Domain License; “Not in Public,” courtesy of Ezra Jeffrey, unsplash.com, Public Domain License; “Paradise Found,” courtesy of Nathan McBride, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “To have and to hold,” courtesy of Jon Asato, unsplash.com, CC0 License