Infidelity in Your 50s: the Gray Affair

/in , , , , ,

By the time most couples are in their fifties, all of the children are grown and on their own. There are instances where some may have older children at home. The couple is approaching retirement, and they may feel like something is missing. When the dynamics of the home change, they find themselves facing relationship issues. Infidelity in marriage isn’t just something that can happen in younger couples.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. – Proverbs 3:3, NIV

Sadly, infidelity is becoming a common occurrence in older couples as they face a new dynamic in their relationship. This is causing more older couples to engage in gray affairs.

The Gray Affair

As Americans grow older, they are becoming more unsatisfied with their marriages. Older people are now engaging in affairs that often lead to divorce. With a new understanding of staying healthy, older people now find that they are more than just an older person without a purpose. Being an empty nest home also has an impact on how older couples view their lives. Many changes can affect how older couples gauge satisfaction.

Most people in the older couple age range are the Baby Boomers. This generation grew up with the notion that marriages had to last for the children. When the children are no longer in the equation, Baby Boomers find themselves trying to understand a new purpose.

Factors Associated with Gray Affairs

The question remains: Why is infidelity in marriage increasing in older couples? While there are many possibilities, some common explanations include the following:

Empty nest syndrome When children leave home, it can create a big shift in the dynamics of the household. This can cause couples to feel they no longer have anything in common.

Health problems Couples faced with chronic health conditions find they cannot cope with the issues. This can cause them to seek companionship elsewhere, leading to infidelity.

Change in expectations As people age, their expectations and priorities tend to change. People begin to look at how the relationship impacts their joy and fulfillment.

Growing apart When people grow older, their needs and interests change. Sometimes these changes are a factor in whether or not a couple stays close.

Does Christian counseling help with infidelity?

No matter what age the couple is, Christian marriage counseling can have a positive impact on the next step after infidelity in marriage. Just as with younger couples, there are many benefits of Christian marriage counseling for older couples who face infidelity. Consider a few of the ways Christian counseling can help a struggling marriage.

Managing financial changes The effect of retirement can impact a household’s finances. Counseling can help with understanding how to navigate these issues with better communication.

Handling grief and loss Older couples have experienced more grief and loss of family and friends. This can have an impact on how they see their future. Counseling can help them realign their focus on staying together and enjoying life as older adults.

Creating strategies to cope with changes Counseling can help the older couple develop strategies that will remove the anxiety and stress of changes due to aging.

Restoring emotional connections Older couples find themselves trying to connect emotionally after raising a family. Counseling can help address these issues that cause a chasm in the emotional aspect of the relationship.

Creating new communication skills Older couples’ communication changes over the years of raising a family. Now they have more time to sit and talk about things other than kids, schedules, and household planning. Counseling can help them have conversations that revolve around new expectations and interests.

Developing intimacy Intimacy in older couples involves rediscovering who the other person has become after raising kids and having a career. Counseling can help develop an understanding of what each person desires and how to reach mutual satisfaction.

How to Heal from Infidelity in Your Fifties

Regardless of how old a person is when they experience infidelity in marriage, they will face many emotions. It is vital to develop healing strategies to overcome the hurt in a healthy manner.

Some of the important things to remember are:

  • Don’t accept the blame for the situation alone. The person choosing to be unfaithful has responsibility in this situation.
  • It’s okay to have the feelings and emotions that will come with the hurt of infidelity. These are common and natural, but they don’t dictate what life should be like after unfaithfulness.
  • Keep thoughts away from trying to understand why or where the signs were missed. It doesn’t help to focus on what is unknown. Think positive and whole thoughts based on what Scripture says about God and His love for you.
  • Be sure to maintain self-care as healing begins. Just because your spouse was unfaithful doesn’t mean you are less than who you were. Your self is not connected to their choices. Choosing to continue with your healthy lifestyle will help in the healing process.
  • It’s okay to consider what you want concerning the situation. Infidelity doesn’t have to lead to divorce any more than it has to lead to restoration. Take time to consider the factors that make either option important to you.
  • If you feel like Christian counseling can help, connect with your local counseling service to make an appointment.

Christian Counseling for Infidelity in Newport Beach

Infidelity in marriage in couples over fifty is not as uncommon as one might think. The reasons are just as diverse for older couples as for younger couples. The choice to restore the marriage or get a divorce is something that each couple must discuss and choose for themselves. A Christian counselor in Newport Beach, California can help navigate the issues of infidelity in your marriage. Contact us at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to learn how a counselor can help.

Photo:
“Raindrops”, Courtesy of Artem Sapegin, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

How to Manage Depression in a Relationship

/in , , , ,

Depression takes its toll on a relationship. If your significant other suffers from depression, you may be no stranger to emotional distance, withdrawal, decreased libido, and mood swings. But depression is a mental condition and should be treated by a mental health professional, such as a Christian counselor in Newport Beach, California. There are things you can do to help your spouse and manage depression in a relationship.

Tips to Manage Depression in a Relationship

You can help manage depression in a relationship, but you will also want the help of a counselor to provide strategies and evidence-based methods. Remember, as you work with your spouse, that managing depression symptoms can take time, patience, and lifestyle changes.

Seek treatment together

Although it may be tempting to have your significant other attend counseling sessions on their own, and at times they must do so, consider attending couples counseling. The same counselor can preside over both. Through these sessions, you can learn how best to support your loved one while expressing how their depression affects you and the relationship. The counselor can also help establish boundaries and expectations within the relationship.

Keep communication open

Learn how to express your needs and wants and actively listen to your partner’s struggles. Depression is a mental condition, and they may not understand why they feel the way they do or how to manage the symptoms. Become a safe space for your loved one to confide, vent, and cry out to. Keep what they say confidential, even when they make you angry.

Do things together

Withdrawal and emotional unavailability are signs of depression in a relationship. Counteract this by including your partner in outings, movies, and discussions. Pay attention to when they seem to be drawing into themselves and away from the family. Everyone needs some alone time, but depression takes it to the extreme.

Taking your significant other’s personality into consideration, plan for romantic dates once a week or every other week. Plan inexpensive day trips to get away from family and home and bond with them.

Be supportive

Being supportive isn’t just listening to your partner. Being supportive also includes helping them to make healthy lifestyle choices to manage depression symptoms. For example, ultra-processed foods, alcohol, and drug use can exacerbate depression symptoms.

Help your loved one by offering to cook healthy dinners together, pack lunches, and get help for substance abuse. Some changes you may want to make together, such as limiting alcohol to one glass of wine a week.

Encourage exercise

Exercise promotes the release of feel-good hormones like serotonin and dopamine and decreases the stress hormone cortisol, which contributes to depression and anxiety. For a healthy body and mind, aim for 150 to 300 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise per week.

Speak to your family physician before starting any new exercise program. Once cleared, choose an activity you can do together. Maybe you lift weights at home, travel to the gym together, or jog in the park on the weekends. Find activities that you both enjoy and get excited about, and track your progress rather than focusing on the end goals.

Help create routines

Depression keeps people stuck. They lose motivation to do even the simplest tasks or activities they once enjoyed. Instilling a routine allows the person to operate on autopilot. The task gets accomplished, and the person can feel a sense of achievement.

For example, maybe have your loved one make the bed when they get dressed. Making the bed is a small task that many people overlook. However, when they make the bed, suddenly, the entire bedroom looks nicer, and they can check the task off their list. When they come home in the evening, they are greeted by a nice-looking and cozy bed. Try to keep routines short initially.

Take care of yourself

Don’t neglect your health during this time. Keep appointments, maintain personal hygiene, cultivate a positive mindset, and rely on God in this season. This, too, shall pass. God knows how challenging depression in a relationship can be. Call out to Him and ask Him to take control of the situation. Keep a watchful eye on your own physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

Christian Counseling for Depression in Newport Beach

Couples counseling in Newport Beach, California provides help for depression in a relationship. You can learn strategies to lessen the symptoms of depression and to rebuild the relationship. You will learn how to work together without compromising boundaries and reconnect emotionally and physically.

Contact our office today at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to schedule a session with a couples counselor in Newport Beach, California to discuss how psychological methods can help with depression in a relationship.

Photo:
“Orange Flowers”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Single Women Over Fifty Ask, “Will I Ever Get Married?”

/in , , ,

By the time you hit the age of fifty, you’ve picked up a few truths. You know which coffee brands are worth the extra dollar, and you’ve figured out how to pay your own bills. You may even love sleeping in the middle of the bed without apology. But sometimes there’s still this small quiet question that bubbles up when things get still enough. You wonder if you will ever get married or even fall in love?

Statistically speaking, the odds aren’t in your favor. If you’re a woman who has never been married and you’re over the age of fifty, the data puts your chances of marrying somewhere around 5-10%, depending on where you live and a few other factors. It’s not zero, of course, but it’s not a high probability either.

And yet you still desire to find the love of your life.

Those statistics don’t tell the whole story. They don’t know you or what is possible, especially when you seek the help of God. God sees the desires of your heart, even the ones that you’re too afraid to admit to other people. He doesn’t shame you for wanting love. Remember, it was His idea in the first place.

But you’ve probably already prayed that God would bring the right husband into your life, right? Maybe you’ve been praying for a long time, and now you’re tired. Not tired of trusting God or praying, of course, but of waiting, and that is a perfectly normal reaction.

It’s normal to grow tired of timidly walking into events alone or cringing from well-meaning comments about whether you’re dating. And it can be exhausting pretending that you don’t care that there is no significant other in your life, when you still long for a wedding band on your finger.

Weariness is not an indication of your lack of faith in God or His perfect plan. But it is a type of grief for what you think you’re missing out on, even if it’s mixed with a healthy dose of hope that life won’t always look the way it does now. God understands these complex, sometimes contradictory emotions. He knows the ache of being misunderstood and what loneliness feels like.

Your weariness may be partly due to the lies you tell yourself. You might not even realize it, but over time, it’s easy to internalize messages that aim to convince you that something is intrinsically wrong with you. “If only I had been prettier, thinner, more outgoing, then maybe someone would have picked me up by now.” Lies like that have a way of planting seeds that develop deep emotional roots.

Therapy can benefit you by giving you a platform to sort through the confusion and help to uproot those painful and sinister lies. A Christian therapist can give you an outlet to say the things out loud that have been trapped in your mind. Therapy can give you the tools to sort through the sadness, frustration, and even the shame that sometimes tag along with prolonged singleness.

It’s okay to still want to be chosen, even if you’re in your fifties or older. Love at your age might look a bit different than if it had come earlier in life. But maybe that’s a good thing. With age comes less need for performance and pretending to be something you’re not. There is less time wasted because by the time people hit their fifties, they begin to know exactly what they want and what they will no longer endure.

One significantly positive difference is that you’re not trying to build a life from scratch but inviting someone into a life you’ve already worked hard to establish.

Yes, the odds might not be in your favor if you’re seeking love after fifty, but that doesn’t mean that, with God’s guidance, it won’t happen. And what if it doesn’t? Then you’ll be okay too, because God’s love is not short nor confined to your plans.

What should you do while you wait? Stop. You stop waiting. Stop waiting to live life as a part of a marriage and make the most of your singleness right now. Go to the party, even if you’re going alone. Make space in your life for people who matter and get connected to a healthy church family who can be there with you through life’s ups and downs.

Just because you stop waiting, doesn’t mean you stop hoping. Don’t put your life on hold. Live fully while leaving an extra seat at the dinner table. Because you never know when God may do something beautiful and send someone to you at a most unexpected time.

If someone does walk in? Great. If not, you are still building a beautiful, meaningful, and connected life. One that isn’t defined by whether you wear a ring, but by the way that you choose to love yourself, others, and most importantly, God. Your best years are not behind you, nor were they wasted on singleness. Some of the best moments might still be ahead, whether you’re married or not.

If you would like to learn how a Christian therapist can help you navigate singleness after fifty, contact our office today.

Resources:
https://www.bgsu.edu/ncfmr/resources/data/family-profiles/eickmeyer-age-variation-first-marriage-rate-1990-2017-fp-19-05.html

Photo:
“A woman standing”, Courtesy of Roberta Sant’Anna, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

 

Topics Covered in Christian Marriage Counseling

/in , , ,

Christian marriage counseling is available before and during the marriage. However, many people don’t realize that you can receive counseling before a problem arises in the relationship.

For example, a few sessions of Christian marriage counseling can prepare you to manage conflict, defuse angry situations, and open lines of communication to keep your marriage from losing ground.

Of course, it’s never too late to seek help. If you believe your marriage needs help, consider contacting a marriage counselor today.

How Christian Marriage Counseling Differs

Christian marriage counseling differs from mainstream counseling. Counseling in a Christian setting (whether in person or virtual) is based on a combination of Biblical principles and evidence-based psychology methods. Since faith is the foundation of a Believer’s life, it is the foundation of their therapy.

Christian marriage counseling acknowledges that sin and its consequences contribute to many issues in relationships. The counselor leads the couple to recognize their sin and repent, allowing them to experience the cleansing that only God’s grace and mercy can provide. This turning away from sin and striving to lead a Christ-like life means a fresh start for the marriage.

Commonly Covered Topics in Christian Marriage Counseling

Christian marriage counseling covers many topics. Whether you want to be prepared for future challenges or need help with a specific issue, Christian counseling has the solution.

Seeking help early is key. If you feel something is wrong and you’ve discussed it with your spouse, you may need assistance from an unbiased third party. Unlike a friend or family member, a counselor can teach strategies and skills that will serve you and your marriage for years to come. Counseling is also a safe space to share intimate details without judgment or ridicule.

The following is a list of common topics covered in Christian marriage counseling.

Communication Problems

Many marital problems stem from miscommunication. Often, we mimic our parents in our own relationships. If we come from a household where the adults did not discuss matters or turned to anger or silence when there was a problem, we might do the same.

Effective communication skills open the door to discussing matters and fostering understanding. Even if you cannot agree with your spouse, or a resolution is not easily found, communication skills make it possible to keep those lines open.

Anger Management

Anger clouds our vision and makes it impossible to hear what others are saying. We become convinced that our way is the only right way, or we lash out at others by slamming doors, throwing things, or verbally or physically hurting others.

Anger is not a sin. But allowing anger to become uncontrollable is a sin. How you react during a situation can bring peace or destruction. The Bible speaks of anger: “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” (Ephesians 4:26-27, NIV) Anger management skills can help you work through your anger and remain calm, allowing you to discuss problems rationally.

onflict Resolution

You can avoid escalating conflict with a few strategies. Counseling can equip you with skills in clear communication, active listening, anger management, and identifying the underlying issues that contribute to the conflict. It may be necessary to compromise or seek the help of a third party to resolve the problem.

Learning how to address the problem early, rather than allowing hurt feelings to fester, will save you heartache in the future. It may not be possible to resolve a conflict overnight, but making progress will help you both sleep better.

Financial Issues

Financial stress can overwhelm a marriage. Whether you are living beyond your means, the cost of living has increased, or you have excessive spending, it can lead to conflict. Add to that the cost of groceries and gasoline, college and daycare, and you may find that you argue more about money than any other issue.

Gambling and excessive spending also cause relationship problems in the family. A Christian counselor can help you identify the root of the problem and guide you through steps toward resolution, including budgeting, getting back on track, and paying off debt.

Sexual Problems

Sexual problems can strain the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Erectile dysfunction, low libido, vaginal dryness, Peyronie’s disease, hormonal issues, or sexual disinterest can leave both parties feeling neglected, insecure, and emotionally hurt. In some cases, this can lead to physical or emotional affairs.

Whatever the reasons, counseling can help both parties build emotional intimacy as you work on solutions for physical intimacy. Counseling takes place in a safe space, either in a quiet office at the center or virtually from the comfort of your own home. You learn to build trust and rely on each other beyond sex.

Establishing Boundaries with Extended Family

You may need to establish boundaries with extended family members. Your parents, siblings, and in-laws mean well, but their unannounced arrivals and late-night phone calls may cause more harm than good in your marriage. The same goes for family members who tend to assert themselves in arguments between you and your spouse.

It takes a firm word to set boundaries with others, but your relationship with your spouse must come first. Depending on the person, you may need to tell people to call before coming over to your house or to stay out of your arguments with your spouse. Discuss with your spouse where to draw the line. You may need to consider counseling if your spouse disagrees with boundaries and it’s causing conflict in the relationship.

Mental Disorders

Mental disorders can cause damage to the marriage as well as to other family members. The signs of a mental condition can leave lasting impressions on children or trigger a traumatic response in a spouse. Depending on the mental disorder, it can lead to neglect, abuse, or PTSD.

Help is readily available for mental health problems. The stigma once associated with mental disorders has slowly lifted, and millions of people seek help from mental health professionals. You don’t have to go through it alone, either. Most counseling centers encourage couples or family therapy to help a family member with a mental condition, as well as local or online support groups.

Addiction

Addiction in any form can tear a family apart, causing trust issues between husband and wife. Addiction can include alcohol, drugs, pornography, sex, gambling, tobacco/cigarettes, shopping, food, and internet/gaming. Any substance or action that you crave or find yourself acting on an impulse can be an addiction.

Some people cannot stop certain addictions immediately without supervised help. For example, a person with a heroin addiction will develop withdrawal symptoms after stopping the drug and will need to be closely monitored in a medical setting for any physical complications.

Other addictions, such as smoking or food/overeating, can be overcome by slowly making changes. Speak to a counselor about addiction and the best (and safest) way to manage symptoms and save your marriage.

Infidelity

Infidelity, adultery, affairs, and physical and emotional betrayal can end in divorce. The ramifications of this type of betrayal run deep. It can take years after an affair for a couple to make strides toward rebuilding their marriage. It is possible, but there are many painful obstacles to move past.

Christian counseling works with the couple to “fireproof” their marriage, to lean in closer to God, and to ask for His grace and mercy during this season. It is learning how to communicate and prioritize your spouse above all others. It’s about healing emotional wounds.

Christian Marriage Counseling in California

Looking for Christian marriage counseling in California. Contact us today to schedule an appointment with a Christian marriage counselor. Your counselor can meet with you in person or virtually at a time that fits your family’s needs. Call us today to get started.

Photos:
“Bride and Groom”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “The Kiss”, Courtesy of Frank Mckenna, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Engaged”, Courtesy of Heather Mount, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Setting Personal Boundaries in Marriage: Examples and Techniques

/in , , , ,

There is likely no more intimate human relationship than the one between a husband and wife. Our proximity to our spouse is like having a personal vanity mirror always bouncing our identities, faults, and traits back at us. It’s the sort of relationship where two people come together to share the entirety of their lives.

This marriage relationship is characterized by deep vulnerability, emotional and physical intimacy, exclusivity, and the ongoing commitment to do life together in ways that other relationships simply can’t hold a candle to. don’t. If you pause and think about it, there are things about marriage that simply cannot apply to other relationships, and it feels weird to try and do so.

You don’t commit to live with your friend for the rest of your lives, nor do you have the same obligations when it comes to your workplace and work relationships. There is something decidedly unique about the marital relationship. This makes it somewhat strange to talk about boundaries in marriage.

If we think about boundaries like boundary markers of what keeps things out or in, appropriate or inappropriate, understandably, talking about drawing such lines may feel counterproductive to connection.

Personal Boundaries in a Committed Relationship?

One of the ways marriage is described in Scripture is that “a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, NIV). There is a unison that occurs in marriage, and it doesn’t refer only to physical union through sexual intimacy, but the union of various aspects of their lives, such as where they live, their goals and plans, their finances, and so on.

Not one taking over the other, not one spouse consuming the other, or the relationship replacing the individuals’ identities, but two unique individuals embracing unity and making another whole thing, greater than the sum of its parts. 1+1=3 is the Kingdom math of relationships. Talking like this sets up the inevitable question about how the boundaries within a marriage can be if the two become one flesh.

The interesting thing about becoming one flesh is that whatever it means, it doesn’t mean you lose your individual existence. After all, if that were the case, there would be no need for Scripture to keep talking about the different and distinct roles and responsibilities of husbands and wives. Being one flesh doesn’t mean you stop being who you are as an individual.

A couple may be married, but it’s possible to have a situation in which one of them trusts in Jesus and the other does not (1 Corinthians 7:12-16). Marriage doesn’t take away the fact that you are who you are, or the fact that you have particular likes, dislikes, things you’re interested in, sensibilities, and your own sense of humor.

What marriage does is create space for two people to live together and love each other well. Loving each other well doesn’t mean becoming one another; it means considering everything that your spouse is and loving them as they are, even as you yearn for them to become who the Lord intended them to be. You love your spouse well by honoring who they are and acting in ways that speak love to who they are.

This reflects the relationship the three members of the Godhead have with each other and desire with us. To bring the glory and beauty out of each other by witnessing each other, elevating each other, and enjoying each other. Every relationship, if it is to be a healthy one, requires boundaries. These boundaries aren’t physical, per se, but they are lines that demarcate where one person ends, and the other person begins.

Each person has their limits, their own personality, things that they enjoy or don’t, and ways of being that are irreducibly them. Boundary lines like fencing on property overlooking a cliff, as C.S. Lewis might illustrate, are there for a reason, to keep fun safe and to prevent venturing into peril.

Personal boundaries can then become ways that individuals indicate their individuality, and as beings made in God’s image, their individuality is something the Lord purposely brought into being, even if it needs refinement to become more Christ-like. The Lord knit you in your mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13), and personal boundaries help you to protect who He made you to be. It’s a sad thing to be compelled to become someone else.

Examples of Personal Boundaries in Marriage

To understand personal boundaries and the place they may have in a marriage, it may be helpful to give a few examples of some boundaries. The point behind boundaries is that they help the individual define their identity, and they also help to establish limits and clear expectations in the relationship. They can also help to prevent emotional burnout, resentment, or unnecessary anger in the relationship.

Personal boundaries help to define who you are, what you’re comfortable with, and what your needs and expectations are of others. These boundaries can be about your emotions, your body, your time, money, work, how you handle digital space, and so much more.

Some examples of healthy personal boundaries in a marriage include respectful communication, such as no raised voices or name-calling; respecting each other’s opinions; not resorting to guilt-tripping or manipulation; and giving each other space to process things when needed. These standards help create a sense of emotional safety and respect in the relationship.

Time is an important aspect of our lives. Spouses might want alone time to pursue their hobbies, and also time for shared activities. To promote a healthy work-life balance, a couple may need to establish boundaries between work and life, for instance, by not checking work emails after 5 pm.

The couple can also set limits on social engagements and time spent with in-laws over the holidays. Another set of boundaries has to do with our bodies and could include personal space and delineating times and places where you don’t want to be touched.

When it comes to sexual intimacy, desires, limitations, and preferences can also be communicated, so no one feels pushed to do things they’re not comfortable with. There may also be boundaries regarding public displays of affection or private moments like dressing or using the bathroom.

Finances are often a source of conflict in relationships, and clear boundaries may be helpful. Boundaries may be set to determine shared budgeting or spending decisions; issues like debt need to be disclosed, discussed openly, and managed jointly; there may be boundaries like not lending money to loved ones; there may be limits on personal spending or maintaining individual financial autonomy.

Lastly, a couple may set boundaries about their digital lives. This includes whether they have access to each other’s devices or social media accounts; whether they can use phones during their shared time; setting limits on online interactions, for instance, not connecting with or following exes; respecting each other’s wishes about the kinds of things posted online about the family; and limiting screen time before or in bed.

Each couple will have boundaries that are unique to them as a couple and to each individual in the relationship. One of the key elements of having boundaries is that these need to be communicated openly with one’s spouse to establish boundaries that work for both spouses.

How to Set and Communicate Boundaries

When you set healthy boundaries, it works to strengthen your relationship by promoting mutual respect, trust, and understanding. It helps you to know how to love each other well because you know what your spouse wants, what’s important to them, and what will help make them feel seen and heard. The question then is: how do you effectively set and communicate boundaries?

It isn’t always possible to set boundaries before marriage. You might not even be fully aware that you have boundaries, or you haven’t communicated them as such. That’s okay. Some steps for setting and communicating your boundaries include the following: Self-reflect. Before you set or communicate your boundaries, take the time to reflect on your limits and needs.

What are some things that you consider non-negotiables, like your personal space or sense of emotional safety? Are there some areas where you’re currently feeling overwhelmed or disrespected? This may clue you in on the areas where you potentially need boundaries. Communicate your boundaries.

When you try to share your boundaries, make sure to be specific and clear about what you want. It’s important that you clearly define the boundaries and the expectations you have. For instance, you can say, “I need some focused time in the morning for work. Can I have the morning without interruptions?” Another example of a boundary is “I’m uncomfortable discussing sensitive topics with our friends around. Can we discuss this when we get home and we’re in private?”

When you communicate the boundary, it’s also important to set a consequence if the boundary isn’t respected. For instance, a consequence might be “If you keep interrupting me while I’m working, I’m afraid I’ll need to take a break and check out from the conversation.” You need to communicate your boundaries assertively. That means maintaining eye contact, maintaining a calm but firm tone, and avoiding passive-aggressive or aggressive language.

Show empathy and understanding toward your spouse, listen to their concerns and perspectives, and remain open to compromise. Also, use “I” statements to express yourself without blaming or shaming your spouse. Your boundaries are not a way to control your spouse or to get your own way.

They represent genuine needs and ought to be open to discussion and compromise. Part of living with another person is learning to bear one another’s burdens and creating healthy boundaries. Respecting one another’s boundaries is one way to love each other and bear each other’s burdens well.

Dealing with Violated Boundaries

After you’ve communicated your boundaries, should those boundaries be violated, be sure to address those violations promptly. Show an appreciation for boundaries that have been respected, and communicate any violations in the same way you communicated the boundary. Boundaries can and do shift with time and circumstance. Be flexible, remain open to compromise, and hold the line firmly where necessary.

It may be helpful to seek professional help to set, communicate, or address violated boundaries. Your counselor can help you by creating a safe and conducive environment to have these conversations and develop the necessary skills.

Mulling over not exploring your boundaries and sharing them with your partner is universal and understandable, too. It may feel intuitively more desirable and convenient not to share than to share them because you may think, “It’s the end of the day, my spouse and I are interacting in close quarters, ‘til death do us part. I don’t want to get on their bad side.” But with bad boundary definitions, they often already are on your bad side.

Precisely because you will be with your spouse, conceivably to the end, having those conversations around needs, wants, and preferences will smooth out in time your relational functioning, which will be a great gift to both of you in perpetuity compared to the short-term benefits of conflict avoidance in the near term.

Boundaries are like well-reasoned laws in a frontier town. They help settlers grow side by side and cultivate the land by following agreed-upon principles. They aren’t just the boundaries to not take my stuff or stay away at this time. Growth through limits. Love from restraint. The benefits of respect and care from boundaries. I can say they are boundless.

Photo:
“Seasoned Couple”, Courtesy of Gustavo Fring, Pexels.com, CC0 License

Advice For the First Year of Marriage

/in , , ,

The first year of marriage is an exciting time. You finally married the love of your life. You’re excited about the future. You’re making plans, such as where you will live and when you plan to start a family.

But the first year of marriage can also be challenging. You are learning to live with one another and accept each other’s flaws. The newness begins to wear off, and you start to depend on each other for companionship.

Be prepared for the obstacles that may come along during your first year of marriage.

Advice for the First Year of Marriage

The first year of marriage can be rocky as you learn to lean on someone else while also maintaining your independence. This is the time to learn strategies in conflict resolution, anger management, and time management. Being on the same page regarding faith, household chores, finances, and expectations will go a long way in building a solid foundation for your relationship.

The following is a list of several tips for the first year of marriage.

Christian couples need Christ as the foundation

Christian couples need Jesus Christ as the foundation if they want to make it through the first year of marriage and beyond. Believers leading a Christ-led life will try to follow the principles Jesus taught and live by the fruit of the Holy Spirit. A home filled with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control is a home that people want to call home.

But you cannot fake the fruit of the Spirit. You may be able to convince someone that you have these qualities in the short term, but they will discover differently a few months into the marriage. Instead, foolproof your marriage by insisting that you both repent and give yourselves over to God and ask for the Holy Spirit to guide you both individually and as a couple.

Spend quality time together

Life gets busy, and it’s easy to take each other for granted. Don’t fall into that trap. Schedule quality time together. Make it part of your daily routine. This could be spending time watching television together or playing a game after dinner. It could be changing your work schedules to have Sundays off, so that the two of you can attend church and go out for an adventure afterward.

Guard your quality time. Others may ask for your time. Unless this is okay with your spouse, protect your time together.

But be your own person

Although quality time with your spouse is crucial for maintaining an emotional connection, you must also preserve your individuality. Pursue your own hobbies and interests, and encourage your spouse to do the same. For some couples, this may look like one person playing video games while the other reads on a Saturday morning. For other couples, it could be taking turns going out with friends.

Keep communication open when you plan to join friends or work on a hobby. Write it on a calendar that is posted where both of you can see it.

Keep yourselves honest

Don’t allow yourselves to go to bed while still angry. If you’re upset about something, tell your spouse how their actions made you feel. Don’t let emotions simmer until it feels like you might explode. Neither of you can read minds, so open communication is crucial.

Encourage honesty in your marriage. There may be times when honesty is painful, but it is essential for making informed decisions. For example, if your spouse feels that you are emotionally unavailable, don’t avoid the conversation. Find out why they think that way and seek counseling if you need it.

Place your relationship above all others

Learn to set boundaries in your relationship. Other people may try to intrude, especially initially, in the first year of marriage. In-laws may not understand why they cannot just stop over whenever they want. Establish boundaries with extended family and friends to protect your peace.

For example, you may need to set boundaries with family members about how late you will respond to a call or text message, or you may need to emphasize that they should call before stopping by your home. If you or your spouse always run errands for family members, you may need to allot a specific day and time to do this that does not interfere with your quality time.

Get on the same page with finances

Nothing triggers an argument like not being on the same page financially. If possible, discuss financial matters before marriage. Sit down and decide how you will manage bank accounts, savings, investments, and bill paying. Discuss large purchases with your spouse before making them and ensure that you both have access to the accounts.

Staying honest in marriage also extends to financial matters. If either of you has debt, work on it together. This is your first step to working as a team.

Practice patience

Little pet peeves can begin to break you down after the first few months of living together. Learn to practice patience. This might mean overlooking slights or helping your spouse through something they don’t understand. It means practicing empathy and putting yourself in their shoes.

If either of you has anger issues, seek help from a mental health professional. Anger management techniques learned during the first year of marriage will serve your relationship for decades to come.

Keep the romance alive

Part of your quality time together includes romance. Don’t get into a rut. Try new things and spice up your bedroom. Sometimes, just decluttering, cleaning, and redecorating the bedroom can give you a new lease of life in the romance area.

But romance is more than sex. You want to strengthen the emotional relationship you have. Make small gestures that show you love and appreciate your spouse. For example, make them a cup of coffee in the morning while they are getting dressed, or touch the small of their back as you walk by. It’s the little things that will keep you connected.

Support each other with household chores

No one really likes doing chores, but maintaining a clean and healthy home is essential for overall well-being. Support your spouse by helping out with chores. Some couples split chores between them, while others gravitate toward chores that their parents may have done.

Try to keep an open mind about chores. Perhaps your father only mowed the lawn once a week, while your mother cleaned the entire house and did the laundry. Neither of you is your parents, and you can manage your household in a way that best suits you and your schedules.

For example, you could keep a dry-erase board with a list of daily household tasks. When either of you has time, do a small task and check it off. Work as a team to keep a lovely and peaceful home.

Find help if you need it

Don’t be afraid to ask advice about marriage from people with long-lasting marriages. Often, pastors or older church members who have been married for decades can offer sound advice. Try to visit someone you trust as a couple. Never confide in someone of the opposite sex without your spouse with you. That could set you up for future problems.

If your church offers marriage counseling or a support group for newlyweds, consider joining. If not, you may locate support groups in your area. Alternatively, you can reach out to our counseling center to speak with a licensed marriage counselor.

Virtual Marriage Counseling Available

If you’re not sure how to approach your spouse about the above topics or need help in the first year of marriage and beyond, contact our office today. We will schedule a virtual session with a Christian counselor for you. If you prefer face-to-face sessions, those are also available. Call to get started today.

Photos:
“Just Married”, Courtesy of Frans Daniels, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Happy Couple”, Courtesy of Wesley Tingey, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Together”, Courtesy of Elahe Motamedi, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Cuddling Couple”, Courtesy of Lia Bekyan, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Signs of a Toxic Relationship: How to Move Toward a Healthier Dynamic

/in , , , ,

One of the most amazing gifts that the Lord has given us is the ability to form meaningful relationships with other people. Being able to share your life, your interests and passions, dreams, and all that you are with someone else can be an exhilarating experience. The moment of deep connection, of being understood and known, is unlike anything else. However, relationships do come with their own dangers.

Some of the deepest hurts we experience can come at the hands of those closest to us. These may be intentional or the result of thoughtless action, but the damage they can cause is incalculable. In an intimate relationship like a marriage or a committed romantic relationship, your sheer proximity and vulnerability to one another mean the wounds are often deeper, and there are more opportunities to inflict them.

If you’re in a toxic relationship, help is available to turn things around. It can be challenging to identify the harmful patterns in your relationship, own them, and begin making the necessary moves to turn things around.

What It Means to Be a Toxic Couple

When the Lord created us with the capacity to love others, what did He intend our relationships to be? At their best, relationships are a source of support, growth, spiritual edification, and flourishing. A healthy relationship can be for a person what a well-designed greenhouse is to a plant – a place of nurture, shelter, and the ability to flower and reach one’s full potential.

The storyline of the Bible tells us that something went horribly wrong, and when humans decided that they could name and discern what is good for themselves, things went off the rails (Genesis 3). The problem with each of us deciding what is good in our own eyes means that there can be a conflict between different ideas of what is ‘good’. When people pursue what’s good for them, it might not always be what’s good for others, too.

Relationships between people can become marked by deep dysfunction, destructive behaviors, and harm, whether emotional or physical. These patterns of dysfunction are what make a relationship toxic. Every couple has struggles, areas of disagreement, and challenges. Conflict is a part of every relationship, but there are healthy ways of navigating this conflict that don’t undermine well-being.

A toxic couple is not a couple that has occasional disagreements. Rather, a couple becomes toxic when they have persistent patterns of relating to each other that erode respect, love, and a foundation of mutual understanding. These patterns undermine the well-being of both parties, making it vital to be able to identify these patterns.

Signs You Might Be in a Toxic Relationship

A relationship is a little like a small ecosystem, where you have certain reliable patterns of behavior and ways of communicating with each other. You can become quite used to communicating or acting a certain way, and the oddity of what you’re doing might only emerge when you’re around other people.

There are some surprising signs of a toxic relationship, along with some more commonplace ones, including the following:

Walking on eggshells To maintain what feels like a fragile peace, one or both of you constantly tiptoe around each other’s emotions or behaviors, not wanting to stir up conflict or disagreements. A person might walk on eggshells out of fear of being physically or verbally abused by their partner.

Feeling drained or exhausted Instead of invigorating you, your relationship and interactions with each other leave you feeling physically exhausted or emotionally drained. Similarly, if you’re consistently anxious or stressed when you think about the relationship or interact with your partner, you may be in a toxic relationship.

Doubting your perceptions As we get older, we can become forgetful, and stress can affect us in strange ways, too. However, if your partner leads you to begin questioning your own reality, including your memories, feelings, thoughts, or opinions, that’s something much deeper and possibly abusive. Another word for this is “gaslighting.”

Emotional manipulation Another sign of toxic behavior is emotional manipulation, which is when a person uses anger, emotional withdrawal, guilt, self-pity, or other passive-aggressive means of expressing themselves as ways of controlling your behavior.

Criticism and contempt Instead of constructive criticism, your partner frequently criticizes you and makes you feel bad about yourself. Unhealthy criticism is the sort that is laced with sarcasm, belittling comments, and disdain. A lack of regard for each other, which can show up as contempt, is a clear sign of a toxic dynamic in a relationship.

Violating boundaries Boundaries help you maintain your individuality by demarcating where you end and another person begins. They also allow you to recognize your needs and when you need to meet them for your well-being. If you consistently disregard one another’s boundaries or ignore reasonable and stated needs, that is also suggestive of a toxic relationship.

Feeling isolated A form of toxic behavior includes controlling and manipulating one’s partner. These limits include limiting the other’s friendships, autonomy, personal growth, or movements. You may feel like you’re being isolated from loved ones or activities that you enjoy.

Not feeling heard Your partner doesn’t listen to you, or they aren’t responsive to or receptive to your perspective. In a similar vein, if your partner is dismissive of your concerns or is defensive when you try and raise issues, that is also a toxic pattern of behavior.

Unresolved conflict In a healthy relationship, issues are discussed and resolved in a way both parties can live with. A relationship in which issues aren’t resolved or are avoided altogether is problematic. Unresolved conflict can result in feelings of resentment and create emotional distance between the couple.

Lack of trust If a relationship is (unjustly) marked by frequent accusations, secrecy, and jealousy, that also points to a toxic relationship. These behaviors hinder intimacy and a sense of emotional security.

Codependency When boundaries aren’t maintained, that can lead to all sorts of problems, such as codependency. A couple can end up having an unhealthy reliance on each other, for the sake of their self-worth, emotional stability, or even their sense of identity. One possible outcome is compromising one’s values, identity, or interests to maintain the relationship, which is a toxic dynamic.

Being able to identify these signs of a toxic relationship can be a helpful first step for a couple seeking healing and a healthier relationship.

The Impact of a Toxic Relationship

A toxic relationship affects both individuals. Being the target of demeaning or critical comments affects you, undermining your confidence. In a different but related way, being overly critical and humiliating another person also warps your own soul, deforming you and your ability to display the image of God. We were made for love – to love and be loved – and toxic relationships rob us of that (Matthew 22:36-40; 1 John 3:11-24).

Some of the psychological and emotional consequences of a toxic relationship include low self-esteem, a distorted sense of self and self-worth, and mental health challenges like anxiety and depression.

When a person feels trapped in a toxic relationship, it can lead to feelings of isolation from the Lord. Being embroiled in constant conflict, being verbally or physically abused, or having one’s potential stifled can overshadow your journey and relationship with the Lord.

Lastly, a toxic relationship affects the couple directly, but its effects can ripple outward for generations to come, toward family, friends, or the couple’s children. Toxic behaviors can shape unhealthy ways of relating to others for the next generation, and that generation shapes the next, and so on.

Steps Toward a Healthier Relationship

When a couple has toxic patterns in their relationship, that’s not necessarily a death knell for their relationship. If there is a willingness to change, with intentional effort, support, and the transformative power of the gospel, the Lord can restore the relationship.

Self-reflection is a good place to start. Look through the signs of a toxic relationship and consider the patterns in your relationship. It’s important to take ownership of your behavior and not simply point out what the other party has done or is doing. As a couple, you must commit to growth together to overcome toxic patterns.

Another step is to have honest conversations where you can both express your feelings and concerns without being afraid of retaliation or judgment. Being able to listen well and with empathy is an important skill to learn and apply.

In any relationship, trust is an essential part of what makes the relationship work. When trust is broken, the only way to rebuild it is through transparency and consistent action that demonstrates trustworthiness. If apologies are made, they must be genuine and followed up with action. Trust is also rebuilt when forgiveness has been extended and there is an opportunity for another chance.

By setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, you can nurture respect and safety in the relationship. This work, and the work of learning how to deal with conflict effectively, growing in your communication abilities, can happen as you walk with a Christian counselor. Your counselor can provide you with guidance and effective strategies tailored to your situation and aimed at helping you develop a healthy and nurturing relationship.

To learn more about healing a toxic relationship through counseling, contact our office today. The Christian counselors in our network can help you develop a healthy and God-honoring relationship again.

Photos:
“At Odds”, Courtesy of Keira Burton, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Argument”, Courtesy of Keira Burton, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Unhappy Couple”, Courtesy of Vera Arsic, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Argument”, Courtesy of Alena Darmel, Pexels.com, CC0 License

Emotional Infidelity Uncovered: What Exactly is It, Why It Happens, and Steps to Repair Your Relationship

/in , , , ,

Emotional infidelity is a relationship issue that is unfortunately becoming more and more common. The constant and convenient accessibility to others (whether people, chat rooms, social media accounts, or AI) makes it easy for partners to satisfy their unmet relationship needs online, sometimes even while lying in bed next to their partner.

Given the reality of our current society, monogamy can feel under attack now more than ever. It can feel like it’s harder to stay completely faithful in a marriage. But if your relationship has been betrayed by emotional infidelity, it is certainly possible for it to recover and prosper after emotional infidelity.

In this article, I will provide more clarity on defining emotional infidelity, why it occurs, and steps on how to recover your relationship. For the sake of reading ease, this article will use the terms relationship, couple, and marriage interchangeably.

Who I Am

Before proceeding, I would like to give you, the reader, a little context about me. My name is Kristy De Leon, and I am a doctorate-level licensed marriage and family therapist with a certification in sex and couples therapy. I have over twenty years of experience in the mental health field and have been with my husband for twenty-two years in total, of which we have been married for seventeen.

We have two neurodivergent sons in addition to my husband being a career fireman. All that to say, he and I have been through some real challenges. There have been dark moments in which I (and I’m sure he too) was unsure of whether our marriage would survive- yet through the grace of God and the commitment to our marital covenant, here we are still married and in love.

The commitment to the marital covenant is an important topic that will be revisited as part of the solution. I felt my background was important to share with you because if you are reading this article, you are most likely in a challenging season of your relationship.

Knowing that the writer has been through difficult seasons in her own relationship can hopefully help you feel seen along with learning realistic steps toward marital recovery. There is nothing worse than reading an article in hopes of finding comfort and solutions to only be left feeling the same or worse because the author only gave textbook unrealistic suggestions.

What is emotional infidelity?

So let’s dive in and define emotional infidelity. It is the act of a person going outside of their committed relationship to meet their emotional needs. Examples can range from engaging in flirtatious activities (whether texts, social messaging, or in-person gestures) to having deep conversations with someone other than their partner. Think of it as sharing emotional sides of oneself that truly should only be shared with one’s partner.

This means that emotional infidelity can be defined differently per person and relationship: what one couple would define as emotional infidelity, another couple would not. What is important to note here is that emotional infidelity does not have a one-size-fits-all definition, unlike sexual infidelity.

For some couples, liking or following social media accounts that have provocative images would be defined as emotional infidelity. For another couple, becoming close to a co-worker by sharing worries, dreams, or inside jokes would be seen as emotional infidelity. Regardless of the behavior being seen as “innocent,” if it pulls a person away from their partner and more importantly if the partner feels betrayed then it is emotional infidelity.

Reasons for Emotional Infidelity

Why does emotional infidelity occur? Similar to the definition, the reasons why it occurs vary from person to person and from couple to couple. Despite the reason, the common denominator is that there are emotional needs that are going unmet. Even though there have been multiple conversations and fights about the needs, they continue to go unmet.

Or worse, there is a complete lack of communication, and these needs continue to go unseen. Communication challenges are an issue that many couples face. Communicating one’s needs can be difficult. It’s risky, vulnerable, and opens the door to possible rejection and ridicule.

The reality is that most people have a hard time communicating vulnerable requests or statements. Therefore, most relationships do not have the communication foundations to have such vulnerable conversations. It becomes easier to avoid these conversations altogether and easier to get one’s emotional needs met elsewhere where there isn’t so much history, hurt, or negative emotions.

In addition to communication challenges, other factors can open the door to emotional infidelity, such as past hurts or betrayals, becoming emotionally or sexually bored in the relationship, feeling rejected by your partner, feeling your partner is emotionally unavailable, associating with others where emotional infidelity is common and accepted, feeling like you parenting your spouse or feeling like you are being parented by your spouse.

There can be multiple unhealthy relationship dynamics that can be co-occurring which can lead to infidelity. There can also be individual factors (such as traumas, unhealthy beliefs around relationships, etc.) that can contribute to existing unhealthy relationships increasing the likelihood of emotional infidelity.

Both partners contribute to emotional infidelity

Infidelity, whether emotional and/or sexual or any other type of relationship betrayal, does not exist in a vacuum. Meaning it is not a stand-alone thing that sprouted out of nowhere. With all the individuals and couples that I have counseled who are in search of infidelity recovery, it is typically a result of unhealthy relationship dynamics. Similar to addiction, infidelity is a systemic problem/relationship issue in which each partner has contributed in their own way to the issue.

I understand that statement can be really hard to read and process, especially if you are the one who was betrayed. Society would say “You don’t need this.”, “Walk away.”, or “Once a cheater always a cheater.” And without knowing your relationship nor the context in which the betrayal occurred, all those statements may hold some truth.

But what I can say is that for each couple who has courageously sat in front of me with the willingness to repair their relationship, each person eventually was able to not only recognize their contribution but more importantly was able to own their part.

At its core, a marriage relationship requires four components: sex, time, attention, and affection. Think of these as slices in a pie where each partner’s slices may look different. For example, for the husband the slice of time may be bigger than for the wife or the slice of affection may be bigger for the wife than it is for the husband. The size of these slices can change over time, during milestones, in times of stress, or just as a result of aging.

Although each spouse’s pie can look different, there is an overlap in that each person has the same four slices. As mentioned in the previous paragraph, it is pivotal for each partner to share when their slices change size; meaning the need has either increased or decreased for any of the four components.

I hope that this imagery can help you begin to understand the importance of having explicit conversations about the needs of each partner. These are continuous conversations that should be occurring throughout the life of the marriage. As we age our needs change and so do the needs of the relationship.

Repairing the Ruins

So how does a marriage repair itself after emotional infidelity? First, I want to affirm that overcoming this betrayal is possible. Second, I have a three-step process through which I lead couples who are recovering from any type of infidelity or betrayal. The three steps are as follows: crisis, insight, and vision.

Crisis Chances are, you may currently be in the crisis stage: you just found out, many different conflicting emotions overcome you, you may be in shock, or you may be exploring your options on whether to stay or leave (especially if this is not the first time). In the crisis phase, both partners are grappling to manage many different emotions.

Insight It’s not until the emotional dust settles that we can move toward the second phase of insight. Insight is a stage where each partner is able and willing to explore their own contribution to what happened in addition to gaining an understanding of their spouse’s choices and behaviors.

Vision In the last phase of vision, the couple co-creates a new definition of the monogamy agreement, and a new commitment to the covenant of marriage is made.

Keeping Covenant

The commitment to the covenant is at the core of sustaining a marriage regardless of the challenges. Keeping the commitment means showing up even when it’s hard, scary, or when you are hurt, tired, or not in the mood. It also means that there is an understanding and acceptance of the fallible human nature.

Thus, even though you and your partner have recommitted to the marital covenant, human nature will cause you and your partner to fail each other again at some point in some way. This is when and where we must grow our faith, strengthen our relationship with God, and practice our Christian morals and values with ourselves and our spouses.

Hope to Overcome Emotional Infidelity

I want to reiterate that a marriage can recover and prosper despite emotional infidelity. It will require creating a new healthy covenant that includes effective communication skills, healthy coping skills, and a different way of problem-solving – all things that are part of my therapeutic work with couples. In closing, Scripture reminds us that, “…we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him” (Romans 8:28).

If you are looking for support in navigating emotional infidelity, please contact our reception team to schedule a free consultation today. Kristy De Leon offers traditional talk therapy sessions or couple intensives (that range between 3-4 hours) for busy couples who want to expedite the healing process.

Photo:
“Shattered Heart”, Courtesy of Isidore Decamon, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Date Ideas for Couples in Newport Beach: What to Do When You Can’t Find Childcare

/in , , ,

If you’re a parent, you’re likely familiar with the feeling of burnout and overwhelm. Unfortunately, when we feel this way, intentional connections with our spouses often get buried under piles of laundry, to-do lists, and dirty dishes. Here are some creative date ideas for couples in Newport Beach who might be struggling to find childcare.

Date nights aren’t just a luxury; they are an investment in your relationship. Therapists often recommend weekly dedicated date nights for couples to solidify their relationship, rekindle the romance, and improve communication. While most parents would cherish some alone time, arranging childcare when you need it isn’t always straightforward.

Date Ideas for Couples in Newport Beach: Creative Childcare

Even if your trusted sitters aren’t available and you feel you’ve exhausted all options, don’t give up hope in finding responsible childcare. There are alternatives. Here are some innovative date ideas for couples in Newport Beach to consider.

Parents’ Night Out Programs

Check with local community centers, churches, dance studios, or gymnastics facilities. Many of them offer “Parents’ Night Out” programs where they provide childcare for a few hours at a reasonable rate. Here are some options for Parents Night Out in Orange County. While this option requires some planning and a modest budget, it can provide you with much-needed time alone with your spouse. As a bonus, your children may enjoy meeting new people and engaging in exciting activities.

Dates While the Kids Are Occupied

Don’t overlook prime opportunities for alone time with your partner. Dates don’t always have to be at night! Get creative with your schedules. Consider meeting your spouse during your lunch breaks or even taking an hour of vacation time to spend with your spouse while the kids are in school.

Dropping the little ones off at soccer practice? Instead of running errands or sitting on the sidelines, sneak away for a coffee with your mate. Rethink your schedule; you may have overlooked some date-time possibilities.

When your kids are little, put them in a stroller for a nice walk around the neighborhood. Give your kids a snack as a distraction and spend a moment chatting with your spouse.

Upscale Restaurants

Indulge in a worry-free dining experience by choosing an upscale restaurant that offers babysitting services. While this type of service may not be available in your hometown, exploring nearby metropolitan areas may lead you to the perfect spot. Enjoy a night out knowing that your children are being well-supervised, allowing you to savor the dining experience with your partner.

Sleepovers and Lock-ins

Explore options for elementary or middle-school-aged children. Some church youth groups organize “lock-ins” where the students stay overnight at the church to play games and enjoy snacks. Museums and community centers occasionally offer sleepover programs through their community outreach and educational initiatives. These options provide a fun and safe environment for kids while offering parents a chance to enjoy some alone time.

Work Out Together

Does your gym offer childcare? If so, plan a workout date with your spouse. If you’re accustomed to solo workouts, merge your routines and work out together while enjoying the perks of childcare services. After your workout, savor a healthy snack before picking up your kids. Not only are you prioritizing your health but enjoying quality time together.

At-Home Dates

An at-home date night can be a delightful way to spend quality time together with your spouse when getting a sitter is not an option. Here are some creative ways to create memorable experiences together.

Early Breakfast or Late Dinner

Make the most of your children’s sleep schedule by planning an early-morning breakfast date or late-night dinner. Get up before the sun rises and share the view and a quiet moment with your honey over a cup of coffee.

If you’re not a morning person, put the kids to bed early and share a relaxed late-night meal. Prepare as much as you can beforehand to avoid spending your precious time together cooking or order take-out from your favorite restaurant. Set the mood with candles and soft music. After the meal, dance together for a romantic end to your at-home date.

Let the Kids Be in Charge

Bring the charm of an upscale restaurant home by surprising your spouse with a homemade dinner. Keep the children entertained by involving them in meal preparation. Assign them tasks like setting the table or decorating it with freshly picked flowers. Create a handwritten menu or print one off the computer and allow your children to decorate.

Once your spouse has come home from work, dim the lights and let the date begin. Ask the children to act as hosts and teach them to lead your spouse to the special table. Order off your homemade menu (with only one available option) and allow the children to serve as your waitstaff. Show appreciation by tipping them with a little extra allowance or a trip to the ice cream parlor.

Home Theater

Unable to go to the theater because you have no sitter? Create a home theater experience by setting up a projector and big screen for the kids to watch a movie with headphones. Prepare their favorite snack for them to enjoy as they watch their movie.

Snuggle up in a different room with your partner and watch a favorite film together. Don’t forget to get an extra decadent snack to enjoy. This setup should keep the kids occupied long enough for you to enjoy some quality time together.

Indoor or Backyard Camping

Create an inviting space that will captivate your children. Surprise the kids with a blanket fort and indoor campsite filled with cozy things, new activities, and yummy snacks. Alternatively, set up a tent in the backyard to keep them entertained.

While the kids enjoy their new space, create a romantic setting for you and your spouse. Share a meal, a movie, or a delicious dessert and conversation. Conclude the evening with a family bonfire. If you want more alone time, wait until the kids are asleep and transform your backyard into a magical romantic oasis with fairy lights, soft music, and cozy blankets.

Invite Some Friends

If your children are old enough to entertain themselves with friends, consider inviting some of their buddies over to play. Plan a fun activity such as a scavenger hunt, backyard obstacle course, or a crafting corner. While they’re engaged with friends, take the opportunity to spend quality time with your spouse. Work on a puzzle together, play a game, or simply take a few moments to enjoy each other’s company.

Indulge for the Day

Occasionally, it’s okay to indulge in some things that are normally limited or forbidden. Keep your children occupied by allowing them to taste the forbidden fruit. If you typically restrict screen time, consider planning a FaceTime conversation with a cousin or friend. Set up a gaming system and check out new games from the library to let them have a little gaming fun.

You might also consider letting the kids play with those messy toys that usually require a lot of cleaning up and are typically tucked away. Find something out of the ordinary that they don’t usually get to interact with and schedule it for when you and your spouse want to have a quiet and uninterrupted date night at home.

What is the goal of date night?

Ideally, date night is a time for you to connect with your spouse in a meaningful way. It’s a time to set aside the stressors of life, make eye contact with one another, and talk. Some couples with kids struggle with the feeling that they have become co-parents versus partners. For some couples, I recommend setting aside conversations about parenting and instead engage one another in deeper, more intimate questions:

  • What have you been thinking about lately? What have you been feeling?
  • What’s a dream that you wish to fulfill?
  • Where are you with your faith currently? What is God teaching you right now?
  • Are there ways that we can be more intentional with one another and strengthen our connection?
  • What are some things that I can do to love you better in this season?

Is date night enough? Christian Couples Counseling in Newport Beach

While date night ideas for couples in Newport Beach are a wonderful way to strengthen your bond with your spouse, they may not address all your relationship issues.

If you and your spouse feel disconnected or want to work through specific challenges, consider scheduling an appointment with a Christian counselor in Newport Beach, California. Therapy can deepen your emotional connection, enhance or reignite physical intimacy, and resolve conflicts with the help of an impartial professional. Contact us today at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to learn more.

When it comes to nurturing and enriching your relationship, carving dedicated time in your busy schedule to focus on each other is crucial for a fulfilling relationship. Don’t let your lack of childcare hinder your relationship growth. Take the advice of most Christian therapists and view date night as a valuable tool to strengthen your connection.

Photos:
“Holding Hands”, Courtesy of mina6120, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Family on a Walk”, Courtesy of MabelAmber, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Coffee and Dessert”, Courtesy of StockSnap, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

The Faithful Family: Christian Counseling and Raising Godly Children

/in , , , , ,

Initially, when you find out that you are going to be a parent, there are millions of thoughts about how you want to raise your children and who you want them to become. You look down at their beautiful face and desire so much for them and their lives. As Christians, we have a desire to raise our children to know and love God more than anything else. If you’re seeking guidance in this journey, Newport Beach Christian Counseling can provide support and insight on nurturing your child’s faith and well-being.

But somewhere along the way, we are hit with the reality that there are a million demands on us as parents. We feel obligated to feed them the right foods, get them a great education, get them into sports or extracurricular activities, make sure that they are kind, develop screen time limits and chore charts, and the list goes on and on.

The priorities in parenting can easily be shifted but the truth remains the same. We must prioritize their walk with Jesus above everything else that is vying for their attention.

Where do we start?

Maybe your child won’t sleep through the night and you’re at a loss of how you’re going to find the time or energy to take your kids to church. Maybe your family is involved in many activities throughout the week, and you can’t find time for a family devotional or prayer. Or maybe you’re parenting teens who aren’t sure that they’re interested in this whole ‘God thing’ and you don’t know how to approach conversations with them.

Regardless of what stage of parenting you’re in, God is with you and desires to know you and to know your children. The task of raising Godly children doesn’t have to be quite so daunting if we take small effective steps.

Model your own faith

First, we must start by modeling our faith to our kids. This may be something that you’re doing already, and you don’t even realize it. When your children see you living out your own faith, they are more likely to desire to live out their own faith.

Research shows that parental religious practices significantly influence a child’s likelihood of adopting that same faith. If you’ve been struggling with your own spiritual disciplines, maybe attempt to integrate a small spiritual discipline into your daily life. Here are some potential practices to try:

Quiet time

Allow your children to witness you setting aside the other demands of life and choosing to quiet your mind with prayer and scripture reading at some point during the day. It doesn’t have to be first thing in the morning, it can be anytime.

Prayer first thing

Justin Whitmel Earley authored an incredible book called “Habits of the Household: Practicing the Story of God in Everyday Family Rhythms.” In this book, he discusses several different practices including a short kneeling prayer at the foot of your bed each morning before starting your day

Music

Playing worship music during the day in your home

Church

Making church attendance a priority for you and your family each week before sports or other commitments.

Notecards

Place notecards with scripture in different places throughout your home and car that you will see each day. Pause and read the verse with your kids when you have a quiet moment.

Loving others

Whether you work on forgiving family members who have hurt you, choosing another person’s needs before your own, or choosing selfless acts of love throughout your week, your children will see your intentional acts and recognize that your life is different.

Our children are watching us more than we think, and we must model our faith for them to witness. In the Daily Grace Gospel at Home magazine, Tiffany Dickerson states that “when we make these spiritual disciplines our priority, a natural overflow of discipleship occurs when our children witness our love for the Lord and others.”

Name what matters

The next step in raising godly children is working with the other adults in your home to ensure that your family’s priorities line up with your faith. It can be incredibly challenging to explain to your child or to their coach that church is more important than their little league game, but it sets a precedent for what you value as a family and how you prioritize your time.

These are those moments in parenting where we must put on the Christian perspective of eternity and realize that the habits that we develop now will matter for our children in the long run. Here are a few ways to align your family’s priorities with your Christian faith:

Set aside a weekly Sabbath

It doesn’t have to always be Sunday, but a good rule of thumb is twenty-four hours of rest, reflection, and connection away from the busyness of our everyday lives.

Find time to serve other people or families in need

This may mean spending a Saturday at a soup kitchen as a family, inviting family and friends into your home who may need support during a difficult season, or keeping care kits in your car for when you and your family see someone in need while you’re out and about.

Pray together as a family

It can feel like a miracle once you sit down with your children after a long day and get to eat dinner together, but I encourage you to pray to thank God for that time together.

Use discipline moments as an opportunity for discipleship

It is in the practical moments of disobedience that we can teach our children that we are sinners in need of a Savior. We can remind our children in these moments that only Jesus can make us whole.

Don’t be afraid of doubt

Lastly, I think it’s important to recognize that we are all a work in progress. God has started a great work in each one of us, including our children, and we must trust that He will carry us through to completion (Philippians 1:6). I see many parents become scared when their kids start asking questions about their faith or doubting God’s existence.

I encourage you to take a deep breath and trust that God loves your child even more than you do. The questioning that happens in our faith is part of our spiritual development and it’s important that we encourage and support our children through this process rather than use fear or punishment.

When your child is in a season of doubt, create space for them to ask any questions that might come up for them. As parents, it is easy to allow the anxieties of life to distract us from time with our kids. One of the most important parts of parenting is prioritizing one-on-one time with our kids.

Look them in the eye, put your phones down, and do something with them that they want to do each day. When you build that bond with your child, they are more likely to come to you when they have big questions or when they are experiencing doubt or confusion.

Thank goodness there is grace for all of us in this process! As a mom to four little ones myself, I am constantly struck by the weight of the world’s expectations. The truth is that we are all doing the best that we can, and Scripture reveals to us that God is fully in control.

We do not need to worry about messing up God’s plans for our children. As you read through this article, my prayer for you is that you feel equipped with some tools to try but that you don’t feel overwhelmed by a list of tasks.

In the same Daily Grace article, Tiffany Dickerson reminds us that “Jesus is the point of our discipleship. It does not have to be hard, filled with charts, graphs, and items on a list to check off. It simply needs to be intentional. As parents, we not only grow in our walk with the Lord, but we pray for clarity to see those moments when we can plant the seeds of the gospel in our children’s lives.”

Remember that God is with you in this process, turn to Him and allow Him to show you what your family and your children need to draw closer to Him.

Reach out for support to raise godly children

I believe that no matter where you are in your parenting journey, support and encouragement can be helpful. Family therapy with a Christian counselor can give you the tools and support you need to continue raising Godly children.

If you are in a place where you need support with your faith, individual counseling with a Christian counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling can be a helpful resource as well. Whether you are struggling at home, or you just want to grow deeper with God and your family, reach out to us today and we can connect you to a qualified family or individual therapist.

Photos:
“Girl Praying”, Courtesy of doungtepro, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Mother and Daughter”, Courtesy of StockSnap, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Mother and Daughters”, Courtesy of Pixabay, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Happy Family”, Courtesy of AlisaDyson, Pixabay.com, CC0 License