Emotional Infidelity Uncovered: What Exactly is It, Why It Happens, and Steps to Repair Your Relationship

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Emotional infidelity is a relationship issue that is unfortunately becoming more and more common. The constant and convenient accessibility to others (whether people, chat rooms, social media accounts, or AI) makes it easy for partners to satisfy their unmet relationship needs online, sometimes even while lying in bed next to their partner.

Given the reality of our current society, monogamy can feel under attack now more than ever. It can feel like it’s harder to stay completely faithful in a marriage. But if your relationship has been betrayed by emotional infidelity, it is certainly possible for it to recover and prosper after emotional infidelity.

In this article, I will provide more clarity on defining emotional infidelity, why it occurs, and steps on how to recover your relationship. For the sake of reading ease, this article will use the terms relationship, couple, and marriage interchangeably.

Who I Am

Before proceeding, I would like to give you, the reader, a little context about me. My name is Kristy De Leon, and I am a doctorate-level licensed marriage and family therapist with a certification in sex and couples therapy. I have over twenty years of experience in the mental health field and have been with my husband for twenty-two years in total, of which we have been married for seventeen.

We have two neurodivergent sons in addition to my husband being a career fireman. All that to say, he and I have been through some real challenges. There have been dark moments in which I (and I’m sure he too) was unsure of whether our marriage would survive- yet through the grace of God and the commitment to our marital covenant, here we are still married and in love.

The commitment to the marital covenant is an important topic that will be revisited as part of the solution. I felt my background was important to share with you because if you are reading this article, you are most likely in a challenging season of your relationship.

Knowing that the writer has been through difficult seasons in her own relationship can hopefully help you feel seen along with learning realistic steps toward marital recovery. There is nothing worse than reading an article in hopes of finding comfort and solutions to only be left feeling the same or worse because the author only gave textbook unrealistic suggestions.

What is emotional infidelity?

So let’s dive in and define emotional infidelity. It is the act of a person going outside of their committed relationship to meet their emotional needs. Examples can range from engaging in flirtatious activities (whether texts, social messaging, or in-person gestures) to having deep conversations with someone other than their partner. Think of it as sharing emotional sides of oneself that truly should only be shared with one’s partner.

This means that emotional infidelity can be defined differently per person and relationship: what one couple would define as emotional infidelity, another couple would not. What is important to note here is that emotional infidelity does not have a one-size-fits-all definition, unlike sexual infidelity.

For some couples, liking or following social media accounts that have provocative images would be defined as emotional infidelity. For another couple, becoming close to a co-worker by sharing worries, dreams, or inside jokes would be seen as emotional infidelity. Regardless of the behavior being seen as “innocent,” if it pulls a person away from their partner and more importantly if the partner feels betrayed then it is emotional infidelity.

Reasons for Emotional Infidelity

Why does emotional infidelity occur? Similar to the definition, the reasons why it occurs vary from person to person and from couple to couple. Despite the reason, the common denominator is that there are emotional needs that are going unmet. Even though there have been multiple conversations and fights about the needs, they continue to go unmet.

Or worse, there is a complete lack of communication, and these needs continue to go unseen. Communication challenges are an issue that many couples face. Communicating one’s needs can be difficult. It’s risky, vulnerable, and opens the door to possible rejection and ridicule.

The reality is that most people have a hard time communicating vulnerable requests or statements. Therefore, most relationships do not have the communication foundations to have such vulnerable conversations. It becomes easier to avoid these conversations altogether and easier to get one’s emotional needs met elsewhere where there isn’t so much history, hurt, or negative emotions.

In addition to communication challenges, other factors can open the door to emotional infidelity, such as past hurts or betrayals, becoming emotionally or sexually bored in the relationship, feeling rejected by your partner, feeling your partner is emotionally unavailable, associating with others where emotional infidelity is common and accepted, feeling like you parenting your spouse or feeling like you are being parented by your spouse.

There can be multiple unhealthy relationship dynamics that can be co-occurring which can lead to infidelity. There can also be individual factors (such as traumas, unhealthy beliefs around relationships, etc.) that can contribute to existing unhealthy relationships increasing the likelihood of emotional infidelity.

Both partners contribute to emotional infidelity

Infidelity, whether emotional and/or sexual or any other type of relationship betrayal, does not exist in a vacuum. Meaning it is not a stand-alone thing that sprouted out of nowhere. With all the individuals and couples that I have counseled who are in search of infidelity recovery, it is typically a result of unhealthy relationship dynamics. Similar to addiction, infidelity is a systemic problem/relationship issue in which each partner has contributed in their own way to the issue.

I understand that statement can be really hard to read and process, especially if you are the one who was betrayed. Society would say “You don’t need this.”, “Walk away.”, or “Once a cheater always a cheater.” And without knowing your relationship nor the context in which the betrayal occurred, all those statements may hold some truth.

But what I can say is that for each couple who has courageously sat in front of me with the willingness to repair their relationship, each person eventually was able to not only recognize their contribution but more importantly was able to own their part.

At its core, a marriage relationship requires four components: sex, time, attention, and affection. Think of these as slices in a pie where each partner’s slices may look different. For example, for the husband the slice of time may be bigger than for the wife or the slice of affection may be bigger for the wife than it is for the husband. The size of these slices can change over time, during milestones, in times of stress, or just as a result of aging.

Although each spouse’s pie can look different, there is an overlap in that each person has the same four slices. As mentioned in the previous paragraph, it is pivotal for each partner to share when their slices change size; meaning the need has either increased or decreased for any of the four components.

I hope that this imagery can help you begin to understand the importance of having explicit conversations about the needs of each partner. These are continuous conversations that should be occurring throughout the life of the marriage. As we age our needs change and so do the needs of the relationship.

Repairing the Ruins

So how does a marriage repair itself after emotional infidelity? First, I want to affirm that overcoming this betrayal is possible. Second, I have a three-step process through which I lead couples who are recovering from any type of infidelity or betrayal. The three steps are as follows: crisis, insight, and vision.

Crisis Chances are, you may currently be in the crisis stage: you just found out, many different conflicting emotions overcome you, you may be in shock, or you may be exploring your options on whether to stay or leave (especially if this is not the first time). In the crisis phase, both partners are grappling to manage many different emotions.

Insight It’s not until the emotional dust settles that we can move toward the second phase of insight. Insight is a stage where each partner is able and willing to explore their own contribution to what happened in addition to gaining an understanding of their spouse’s choices and behaviors.

Vision In the last phase of vision, the couple co-creates a new definition of the monogamy agreement, and a new commitment to the covenant of marriage is made.

Keeping Covenant

The commitment to the covenant is at the core of sustaining a marriage regardless of the challenges. Keeping the commitment means showing up even when it’s hard, scary, or when you are hurt, tired, or not in the mood. It also means that there is an understanding and acceptance of the fallible human nature.

Thus, even though you and your partner have recommitted to the marital covenant, human nature will cause you and your partner to fail each other again at some point in some way. This is when and where we must grow our faith, strengthen our relationship with God, and practice our Christian morals and values with ourselves and our spouses.

Hope to Overcome Emotional Infidelity

I want to reiterate that a marriage can recover and prosper despite emotional infidelity. It will require creating a new healthy covenant that includes effective communication skills, healthy coping skills, and a different way of problem-solving – all things that are part of my therapeutic work with couples. In closing, Scripture reminds us that, “…we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him” (Romans 8:28).

If you are looking for support in navigating emotional infidelity, please contact our reception team to schedule a free consultation today. Kristy De Leon offers traditional talk therapy sessions or couple intensives (that range between 3-4 hours) for busy couples who want to expedite the healing process.

Photo:
“Shattered Heart”, Courtesy of Isidore Decamon, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Date Ideas for Couples in Newport Beach: What to Do When You Can’t Find Childcare

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If you’re a parent, you’re likely familiar with the feeling of burnout and overwhelm. Unfortunately, when we feel this way, intentional connections with our spouses often get buried under piles of laundry, to-do lists, and dirty dishes. Here are some creative date ideas for couples in Newport Beach who might be struggling to find childcare.

Date nights aren’t just a luxury; they are an investment in your relationship. Therapists often recommend weekly dedicated date nights for couples to solidify their relationship, rekindle the romance, and improve communication. While most parents would cherish some alone time, arranging childcare when you need it isn’t always straightforward.

Date Ideas for Couples in Newport Beach: Creative Childcare

Even if your trusted sitters aren’t available and you feel you’ve exhausted all options, don’t give up hope in finding responsible childcare. There are alternatives. Here are some innovative date ideas for couples in Newport Beach to consider.

Parents’ Night Out Programs

Check with local community centers, churches, dance studios, or gymnastics facilities. Many of them offer “Parents’ Night Out” programs where they provide childcare for a few hours at a reasonable rate. Here are some options for Parents Night Out in Orange County. While this option requires some planning and a modest budget, it can provide you with much-needed time alone with your spouse. As a bonus, your children may enjoy meeting new people and engaging in exciting activities.

Dates While the Kids Are Occupied

Don’t overlook prime opportunities for alone time with your partner. Dates don’t always have to be at night! Get creative with your schedules. Consider meeting your spouse during your lunch breaks or even taking an hour of vacation time to spend with your spouse while the kids are in school.

Dropping the little ones off at soccer practice? Instead of running errands or sitting on the sidelines, sneak away for a coffee with your mate. Rethink your schedule; you may have overlooked some date-time possibilities.

When your kids are little, put them in a stroller for a nice walk around the neighborhood. Give your kids a snack as a distraction and spend a moment chatting with your spouse.

Upscale Restaurants

Indulge in a worry-free dining experience by choosing an upscale restaurant that offers babysitting services. While this type of service may not be available in your hometown, exploring nearby metropolitan areas may lead you to the perfect spot. Enjoy a night out knowing that your children are being well-supervised, allowing you to savor the dining experience with your partner.

Sleepovers and Lock-ins

Explore options for elementary or middle-school-aged children. Some church youth groups organize “lock-ins” where the students stay overnight at the church to play games and enjoy snacks. Museums and community centers occasionally offer sleepover programs through their community outreach and educational initiatives. These options provide a fun and safe environment for kids while offering parents a chance to enjoy some alone time.

Work Out Together

Does your gym offer childcare? If so, plan a workout date with your spouse. If you’re accustomed to solo workouts, merge your routines and work out together while enjoying the perks of childcare services. After your workout, savor a healthy snack before picking up your kids. Not only are you prioritizing your health but enjoying quality time together.

At-Home Dates

An at-home date night can be a delightful way to spend quality time together with your spouse when getting a sitter is not an option. Here are some creative ways to create memorable experiences together.

Early Breakfast or Late Dinner

Make the most of your children’s sleep schedule by planning an early-morning breakfast date or late-night dinner. Get up before the sun rises and share the view and a quiet moment with your honey over a cup of coffee.

If you’re not a morning person, put the kids to bed early and share a relaxed late-night meal. Prepare as much as you can beforehand to avoid spending your precious time together cooking or order take-out from your favorite restaurant. Set the mood with candles and soft music. After the meal, dance together for a romantic end to your at-home date.

Let the Kids Be in Charge

Bring the charm of an upscale restaurant home by surprising your spouse with a homemade dinner. Keep the children entertained by involving them in meal preparation. Assign them tasks like setting the table or decorating it with freshly picked flowers. Create a handwritten menu or print one off the computer and allow your children to decorate.

Once your spouse has come home from work, dim the lights and let the date begin. Ask the children to act as hosts and teach them to lead your spouse to the special table. Order off your homemade menu (with only one available option) and allow the children to serve as your waitstaff. Show appreciation by tipping them with a little extra allowance or a trip to the ice cream parlor.

Home Theater

Unable to go to the theater because you have no sitter? Create a home theater experience by setting up a projector and big screen for the kids to watch a movie with headphones. Prepare their favorite snack for them to enjoy as they watch their movie.

Snuggle up in a different room with your partner and watch a favorite film together. Don’t forget to get an extra decadent snack to enjoy. This setup should keep the kids occupied long enough for you to enjoy some quality time together.

Indoor or Backyard Camping

Create an inviting space that will captivate your children. Surprise the kids with a blanket fort and indoor campsite filled with cozy things, new activities, and yummy snacks. Alternatively, set up a tent in the backyard to keep them entertained.

While the kids enjoy their new space, create a romantic setting for you and your spouse. Share a meal, a movie, or a delicious dessert and conversation. Conclude the evening with a family bonfire. If you want more alone time, wait until the kids are asleep and transform your backyard into a magical romantic oasis with fairy lights, soft music, and cozy blankets.

Invite Some Friends

If your children are old enough to entertain themselves with friends, consider inviting some of their buddies over to play. Plan a fun activity such as a scavenger hunt, backyard obstacle course, or a crafting corner. While they’re engaged with friends, take the opportunity to spend quality time with your spouse. Work on a puzzle together, play a game, or simply take a few moments to enjoy each other’s company.

Indulge for the Day

Occasionally, it’s okay to indulge in some things that are normally limited or forbidden. Keep your children occupied by allowing them to taste the forbidden fruit. If you typically restrict screen time, consider planning a FaceTime conversation with a cousin or friend. Set up a gaming system and check out new games from the library to let them have a little gaming fun.

You might also consider letting the kids play with those messy toys that usually require a lot of cleaning up and are typically tucked away. Find something out of the ordinary that they don’t usually get to interact with and schedule it for when you and your spouse want to have a quiet and uninterrupted date night at home.

What is the goal of date night?

Ideally, date night is a time for you to connect with your spouse in a meaningful way. It’s a time to set aside the stressors of life, make eye contact with one another, and talk. Some couples with kids struggle with the feeling that they have become co-parents versus partners. For some couples, I recommend setting aside conversations about parenting and instead engage one another in deeper, more intimate questions:

  • What have you been thinking about lately? What have you been feeling?
  • What’s a dream that you wish to fulfill?
  • Where are you with your faith currently? What is God teaching you right now?
  • Are there ways that we can be more intentional with one another and strengthen our connection?
  • What are some things that I can do to love you better in this season?

Is date night enough? Christian Couples Counseling in Newport Beach

While date night ideas for couples in Newport Beach are a wonderful way to strengthen your bond with your spouse, they may not address all your relationship issues.

If you and your spouse feel disconnected or want to work through specific challenges, consider scheduling an appointment with a Christian counselor in Newport Beach, California. Therapy can deepen your emotional connection, enhance or reignite physical intimacy, and resolve conflicts with the help of an impartial professional. Contact us today at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to learn more.

When it comes to nurturing and enriching your relationship, carving dedicated time in your busy schedule to focus on each other is crucial for a fulfilling relationship. Don’t let your lack of childcare hinder your relationship growth. Take the advice of most Christian therapists and view date night as a valuable tool to strengthen your connection.

Photos:
“Holding Hands”, Courtesy of mina6120, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Family on a Walk”, Courtesy of MabelAmber, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Coffee and Dessert”, Courtesy of StockSnap, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

The Faithful Family: Christian Counseling and Raising Godly Children

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Initially, when you find out that you are going to be a parent, there are millions of thoughts about how you want to raise your children and who you want them to become. You look down at their beautiful face and desire so much for them and their lives. As Christians, we have a desire to raise our children to know and love God more than anything else. If you’re seeking guidance in this journey, Newport Beach Christian Counseling can provide support and insight on nurturing your child’s faith and well-being.

But somewhere along the way, we are hit with the reality that there are a million demands on us as parents. We feel obligated to feed them the right foods, get them a great education, get them into sports or extracurricular activities, make sure that they are kind, develop screen time limits and chore charts, and the list goes on and on.

The priorities in parenting can easily be shifted but the truth remains the same. We must prioritize their walk with Jesus above everything else that is vying for their attention.

Where do we start?

Maybe your child won’t sleep through the night and you’re at a loss of how you’re going to find the time or energy to take your kids to church. Maybe your family is involved in many activities throughout the week, and you can’t find time for a family devotional or prayer. Or maybe you’re parenting teens who aren’t sure that they’re interested in this whole ‘God thing’ and you don’t know how to approach conversations with them.

Regardless of what stage of parenting you’re in, God is with you and desires to know you and to know your children. The task of raising Godly children doesn’t have to be quite so daunting if we take small effective steps.

Model your own faith

First, we must start by modeling our faith to our kids. This may be something that you’re doing already, and you don’t even realize it. When your children see you living out your own faith, they are more likely to desire to live out their own faith.

Research shows that parental religious practices significantly influence a child’s likelihood of adopting that same faith. If you’ve been struggling with your own spiritual disciplines, maybe attempt to integrate a small spiritual discipline into your daily life. Here are some potential practices to try:

Quiet time

Allow your children to witness you setting aside the other demands of life and choosing to quiet your mind with prayer and scripture reading at some point during the day. It doesn’t have to be first thing in the morning, it can be anytime.

Prayer first thing

Justin Whitmel Earley authored an incredible book called “Habits of the Household: Practicing the Story of God in Everyday Family Rhythms.” In this book, he discusses several different practices including a short kneeling prayer at the foot of your bed each morning before starting your day

Music

Playing worship music during the day in your home

Church

Making church attendance a priority for you and your family each week before sports or other commitments.

Notecards

Place notecards with scripture in different places throughout your home and car that you will see each day. Pause and read the verse with your kids when you have a quiet moment.

Loving others

Whether you work on forgiving family members who have hurt you, choosing another person’s needs before your own, or choosing selfless acts of love throughout your week, your children will see your intentional acts and recognize that your life is different.

Our children are watching us more than we think, and we must model our faith for them to witness. In the Daily Grace Gospel at Home magazine, Tiffany Dickerson states that “when we make these spiritual disciplines our priority, a natural overflow of discipleship occurs when our children witness our love for the Lord and others.”

Name what matters

The next step in raising godly children is working with the other adults in your home to ensure that your family’s priorities line up with your faith. It can be incredibly challenging to explain to your child or to their coach that church is more important than their little league game, but it sets a precedent for what you value as a family and how you prioritize your time.

These are those moments in parenting where we must put on the Christian perspective of eternity and realize that the habits that we develop now will matter for our children in the long run. Here are a few ways to align your family’s priorities with your Christian faith:

Set aside a weekly Sabbath

It doesn’t have to always be Sunday, but a good rule of thumb is twenty-four hours of rest, reflection, and connection away from the busyness of our everyday lives.

Find time to serve other people or families in need

This may mean spending a Saturday at a soup kitchen as a family, inviting family and friends into your home who may need support during a difficult season, or keeping care kits in your car for when you and your family see someone in need while you’re out and about.

Pray together as a family

It can feel like a miracle once you sit down with your children after a long day and get to eat dinner together, but I encourage you to pray to thank God for that time together.

Use discipline moments as an opportunity for discipleship

It is in the practical moments of disobedience that we can teach our children that we are sinners in need of a Savior. We can remind our children in these moments that only Jesus can make us whole.

Don’t be afraid of doubt

Lastly, I think it’s important to recognize that we are all a work in progress. God has started a great work in each one of us, including our children, and we must trust that He will carry us through to completion (Philippians 1:6). I see many parents become scared when their kids start asking questions about their faith or doubting God’s existence.

I encourage you to take a deep breath and trust that God loves your child even more than you do. The questioning that happens in our faith is part of our spiritual development and it’s important that we encourage and support our children through this process rather than use fear or punishment.

When your child is in a season of doubt, create space for them to ask any questions that might come up for them. As parents, it is easy to allow the anxieties of life to distract us from time with our kids. One of the most important parts of parenting is prioritizing one-on-one time with our kids.

Look them in the eye, put your phones down, and do something with them that they want to do each day. When you build that bond with your child, they are more likely to come to you when they have big questions or when they are experiencing doubt or confusion.

Thank goodness there is grace for all of us in this process! As a mom to four little ones myself, I am constantly struck by the weight of the world’s expectations. The truth is that we are all doing the best that we can, and Scripture reveals to us that God is fully in control.

We do not need to worry about messing up God’s plans for our children. As you read through this article, my prayer for you is that you feel equipped with some tools to try but that you don’t feel overwhelmed by a list of tasks.

In the same Daily Grace article, Tiffany Dickerson reminds us that “Jesus is the point of our discipleship. It does not have to be hard, filled with charts, graphs, and items on a list to check off. It simply needs to be intentional. As parents, we not only grow in our walk with the Lord, but we pray for clarity to see those moments when we can plant the seeds of the gospel in our children’s lives.”

Remember that God is with you in this process, turn to Him and allow Him to show you what your family and your children need to draw closer to Him.

Reach out for support to raise godly children

I believe that no matter where you are in your parenting journey, support and encouragement can be helpful. Family therapy with a Christian counselor can give you the tools and support you need to continue raising Godly children.

If you are in a place where you need support with your faith, individual counseling with a Christian counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling can be a helpful resource as well. Whether you are struggling at home, or you just want to grow deeper with God and your family, reach out to us today and we can connect you to a qualified family or individual therapist.

Photos:
“Girl Praying”, Courtesy of doungtepro, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Mother and Daughter”, Courtesy of StockSnap, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Mother and Daughters”, Courtesy of Pixabay, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Happy Family”, Courtesy of AlisaDyson, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

4 Tips for Surviving Infidelity

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Infidelity and affairs hurt more than the relationship between a husband and wife. It breaks down trust, feelings of love and acceptance, and self-confidence, and increases insecurity and fear. These are obstacles to tackle if you want to stay together. Ignoring these emotions will only cause them to fester as the weeks, months, and years pass, trapping you in the past. Surviving infidelity is possible with hard work, patience, and recommitment to the union. Seeking help from Newport Beach Christian Counseling can provide the guidance and support needed to rebuild trust and heal together in a safe and supportive environment.

4 tips for surviving infidelity

Surviving infidelity and remaining married requires work from both spouses. This may not seem fair to the hurt spouse at first. If you are the one who was hurt, you might feel that the other person should have to put in all the work to fix what they broke. This is a natural reaction to injustice.

However, surviving infidelity means acknowledging that things will never truly go back to the way they were. The affair changed you, your spouse, and your relationship. You must discover and navigate this new relationship to rebuild and strengthen it.

Take your vows seriously by recommitting

If you seek reconciliation only because you are afraid of the future, being alone, or “for the kids,” you should reconsider. A marriage can only last if the couple is 100% committed to making it work against the odds. Read over your marriage vows and recommit to the relationship before seeking help.

Seek help to overcome marital issues

Although you can heal a marriage without outside help, seeking advice from knowledgeable and experienced people can help repair the bond. That advice may come from your pastor in the form of marriage counseling or a mental health professional specializing in surviving infidelity and affairs. You need guidance during this season, not judgment. Be discerning in who you choose to confide in about your marriage.

Look to improve yourself

Although pointing out your spouse’s flaws is tempting, especially after an affair, when rebuilding the relationship, look to improve yourself. If you seek marriage counseling, the counselor will work with both of you, but think about what characteristics you want to attain. What are your values? Do you reflect them? You cannot change another person. You cannot “fix” them. Only they can do that. The only thing you can control is bettering yourself.

Bring God into the equation

Often, our lives are busy and chaotic, and when the storms hit, we leave God entirely out of the problem. Yet, God holds the solutions, the healing, and the peace. Bring God back into the marriage covenant, asking Him to lead both of you by His Holy Spirit to make the right decisions and open your hearts to healing and trust.

How counseling can help

Following an affair, the feelings of betrayal and hurt are too raw. The hurt spouse may be shocked, angry, or sad (or all three). The spouse who cheated may feel hopeless and desperate to make amends and save the marriage. Having an unbiased third party who can offer advice and suggestions for surviving infidelity can be invaluable to your relationship.

Newport Beach Christian Counseling in California can help. Your counselor will work with you as a couple to overcome obstacles and manage setbacks. Call our reception team today to schedule a session with a Christian marriage counselor. Don’t let go of hope. Lean into God, ask for help, and keep the faith.

Photo:
“Poppy Field”, Courtesy of Marina Reich, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

15 Date Ideas for Couples

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One of the main purposes of dating is for two people to spend quality time together, connect with one another, share experiences, and get to know each other better. Looking for some fresh date ideas for couples? Newport Beach Christian Counseling can offer tips for strengthening your relationship and fostering deeper connections, whether it’s through fun activities or meaningful conversations. Here are fifteen suggestions below.

At the beginning of a relationship, dating provides an opportunity to explore your compatibility and potential suitability to become a long-term couple. Deeper into the relationship, it helps strengthen the connection between you and your spouse and keep romance alive.

Finding time for date nights can be challenging, especially if you have young children at home, but being intentional about setting aside time dedicated to focusing on each other can be a game changer that prevents your relationship from becoming stale.

Regular date nights enable you and your spouse to enjoy each other’s company without distractions, increase intimacy through shared activities, and strengthen the bond between you. It is also an important reminder that your relationship is a priority no matter how busy life gets.

According to relationship coach and author Jaime Bronstein, “One of the most important keys to a lasting relationship or marriage is never to stop dating.”

Commit to a weekly date and pencil it in on your calendar. Planning for a specific day and time gives you something to look forward to.

Date ideas for couples

Not all dates have to involve going out. Neither do they have to be expensive or even at night. Let’s consider some simple and inexpensive date ideas for couples you can try if you would like a change from the old standard dinner out and a movie.

Play a board game

Pick a couple of your favorite board games to play – or one long one like Monopoly. In addition to enabling you to relax and have fun, board games provide an opportunity for you to interact and engage in friendly competition while enjoying each other’s company.

Cook a meal together

Making your favorite dish together, or finding a new recipe to try, and enjoying the results, can be a fun, relaxing, interactive activity.

Plan a trip

Planning all the details of an upcoming adventure together enables you to bond over a shared experience.

Take a walk or hike together

Hiking enables you to talk without distractions while you enjoy nature and get some exercise.

Visit a museum or art exhibit

Find an interesting exhibit to explore and discuss what you see.

Play miniature golf

Miniature golf can be a relaxing, casual activity. Maybe place a fun wager on the game to add a little friendly competition to the fun.

Go for a boat ride

Go kayaking or spend a couple of relaxing hours on the water in a rowboat, paddleboat, or canoe.

Take a class together

Taking a class together is a fun way to share an experience while learning something new. If you need to keep costs down, look for a free tutorial on YouTube.

Have a picnic

Pack up a basket and find a secluded spot where you can hang out and enjoy the scenery while you eat. It can be as simple or as fancy as you want it to be. You can even have a picnic indoors.

Pretend you’re a tourist

Make believe you’re a tourist and go sightseeing around your town. Visit local landmarks, tourist attractions, and places you often pass but never go into.

Watch the sunset together

Reconnect with each other at the end of the day by finding a spot with a clear view of the horizon and watching the sunset together.

Look through old photos

Take a trip down memory lane while looking through old photos and reminiscing about the memories they bring up.

Recreate your first date

Recreating your first date or revisiting the place where you first met can be a fun and nostalgic way to spend time together and relive special memories.

Stargaze

Stargazing can be a peaceful way to spend time together. Download a stargazing app and see if you can find any constellations or planets.

Volunteer together

Whether it’s visiting a nursing home, serving at a soup kitchen, distributing blankets, taking shelter dogs for walks, picking up trash, or volunteering at a shelter, doing volunteer work together can strengthen your connection and appreciation for one another while you give back to your community.

If you are interested in looking for additional ways to strengthen the connection between you and your spouse beyond the date ideas for couples in this article and would like to set up an appointment to meet with one of the faith-based couples counselors, please don’t hesitate to give us a call at Newport Beach Christian Counseling.

Photos:
“Loving Couple”, Courtesy of Candice Picard, Unsplash.com, CC0 LicenseIf you are interested in your teen attending individual or group therapy, please reach out to us at The Colony Christian Counseling. We will arrange for you to meet with one of the faith-based counselors in The Colony, Texas.

On Mates and Marriages: Navigating Conflict and Life as a Team

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We have an enemy who leverages assault against all that God has created and approved. It may not surprise us that Satan opposes the image of God, in us as individuals, couples, families, and communities. We see the enemy launch divisive attacks on marriage generally, but we feel it when it seeks to dissolve our particular marital bond. Jesus, however, came to give us an abundant life in every area, including our marriages (John 10:10).

Trouble will present in the paradise we imagined marriage to be. Simply stated, our marital challenges will sometimes look like problems with one another. We may legitimately have issues that we need to work through, as any imperfect human and couple would in the process of becoming one (Mark 10:6-8). Yet, God still created our union to provide Eden-like pleasure and refreshment, with Him at the center.

If we peer through scripture’s lens, we will notice where the enemy operates through interpersonal challenges to shift perspective and pit us against each other (Ephesians 6:12). Conflicts will surface. Jesus warned that we would experience a variety of challenges in our earthly life (John 16:33). The Savior’s words encourage us to embrace the triumph He has secured on our behalf, despite the presence of trials (1 Corinthians 15:57).

With the Holy Spirit, however, there is always more to see than what meets the eye (John 16:13-14; Isaiah 11:2). We can look again, recognizing that God is working through our circumstances to produce spiritual fruit and build testimony. He can accomplish greater outcomes than we could imagine for ourselves, our mates, or our marriage.

As we encounter conflicts or endure difficult circumstances, our attitude has the power to enhance or eclipse the life God has designed and desired for us. Renewing our minds about our mates and marriages can help us pivot in a fresh direction. When we reframe our view, we can align our beliefs with what God wants. We also transform our behavior and discover greater dimensions of fellowship and intimacy. Newport Beach Christian Counseling provides guidance and support to help couples navigate this transformative journey.

With the Holy Spirit, we can submit the attitudes and perspectives that may be hampering our communication and connection with our spouse. While it may require our time, effort, and perhaps professional counseling, a couple can transcend from preoccupation with problems and antagonism to seeking and discovering solutions and embracing adventure.

No longer do we have to remain loyal to presumptions. Instead, we can exchange it for trust that the Holy Spirit is operating through our marital conflict, challenge, and circumstance to showcase the Lord’s glory (2 Corinthians 4:17).

Next steps.

Walking through marital conflict can be disheartening. Although the current conditions may not resemble all you envisioned, trust that God is at work in unlikely circumstances. As you endure this part of life’s experience, realize that the Spirit of the Lord has equipped you and your mate to see goodness as you work, live, and play.

Reach out to us today to schedule an individual or couple’s counseling appointment with a professional counselor through Newport Beach Christian Counseling site. This will support you and offer strategies that will heal and strengthen your marriage. With the Lord’s help, navigating conflict and life together as a team is possible.

Photos:
“Good Morning”, Courtesy of cottonbro studio, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Disagreement”, Courtesy of Timur Weber, Pexels.com, CC0 License

6 Marriage Counseling Tips: Things You Should Do Every Day

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Regardless of whether you have been married for one year or twenty years, relationships thrive when they are intentional. Relationships will never be perfect, they are about loving one another and serving one another through imperfections and stagnant seasons of disconnect and chaos. They are about getting to know who your marriage partner really is at their very core through the struggles and the triumphs.

Whether your marriage is in a season that feels distant, stale, or in completely different zip codes, you should keep devoting yourself to your spouse. If you feel more connected than ever, you should continue investing in your relationship. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can support you in this journey.

Just like plants, relationships require nutrients, pruning, enjoyment, and praise for growth. It is very common for people to say, “But this is not the person I married,” however, you should be constantly trying to change in the best way. You should be growing together – exploring passions, making your faith a priority, and choosing your spouse, even on difficult days.

6 Marriage Counseling Tips

Here are six marriage counseling tips to help you invest in your marriage today and every single day, moving forward:

1. Say “I love you.”

Never underestimate the power of these three words and the commitment you made on the day you said yes to forever. Saying “I love you” is choosing your partner every single day. It is a reminder of where you have been and where you are headed. It is choosing hope and fresh starts together every single day.

“Staying married, therefore, is not mainly about staying in love. It is about keeping covenant. ‘Till death do us part’ or ‘As long as we both shall live’ is a sacred covenant promise – the same kind Jesus made with His bride when He died for her.” – John Piper

Saying “I love you,” says:

I am here for you.
I choose you.
I am your person, no matter what life throws at us.
I am by your side.
I am your biggest cheerleader.
We are better together.

2. Pray for your spouse.

One of the most powerful tools for your marriage is prayer. Prayer changes things. Prayer changes hearts. Prayer unites. Prayer heals. Prayer covers your home with a desire to be more like Christ. Pray for your spouse when you are alone and pray when you are together. Making God the center of your life and marriage is the “recipe” to a lasting marriage.

“Great marriages don’t happen by luck or by accident. They are the result of a consistent investment of time, thoughtfulness, forgiveness, affection, prayer, mutual respect, and a rock-solid commitment between a husband and a wife.” – Dave Willis

3. Show affection and have fun together.

When a couple is dating, you go over the top to have fun together and show your affection. You kiss “hello” and “goodnight.” You hold hands, just because. You plan exciting dates, and you plan simple movie nights just because you want to spend time together.

Married couples must continue investing in one another. Have fun together. Cuddle. Kiss. Write love notes. Send her flowers because you are thinking about how beautiful she is. Drop him off his favorite coffee at work because you feel so blessed to be married to him. Tell them, show them, love them!

Here are a few fun activities to get you started if you feel lost:

  • Go on a romantic picnic and ditch cell phones.
  • Have a paint night and draw one another’s self-portraits.
  • Serve in a soup kitchen or at a charity event together.
  • Serve in church together.
  • Plan a movie night – complete with popcorn and candy!
  • Revisit your favorite date spot from “back in the day.”
  • Try a drive-in movie.
  • Have a dessert-making competition at home.
  • Go on a hike.
  • Train for a 5K together.
  • Take a cooking class together.
  • Go on a short road trip!
  • Take a sunset walk on the beach.

Quality time together does not have to be expensive – just make it intentional.

4. Serve your spouse.

In a world that is constantly saying “I need more from you,” make it your mission to serve your spouse first. Do not wait until they do something to show their appreciation for you. Do not wait until their birthday, anniversary, or Mother’s Day/Father’s Day. Serve your spouse like Jesus served others – not to receive something in return, but because His heart was focused on true, genuine, sacrificial love.

Simple ways to serve your spouse:

  • Make them coffee or breakfast in the morning.
  • Clean up the kitchen after dinner and encourage them to rest or do something for themselves.
  • Make their favorite meal.
  • Tackle their “normal” chores before they have a chance to do them.
  • Prepare their favorite snack or dessert “just because.”
  • Pack their lunch.
  • Drop their favorite coffee off at work.
  • Initiate physical intimacy.
  • Give them a massage.
  • Wash their car.
  • Listen to them without interrupting.
  • Let them sleep in while you get up early with the kids.
  • Initiate doing one of their favorite things.
  • Make the bed first.
  • Write random love notes.
  • Play their favorite song in the car.
  • Flirt with them.
  • Make your home welcoming and warm for their return.
  • Play their favorite game.
  • Get yourself dressed up for them.
  • Gush about them to others.
  • Tell them what they are good at/what you love about them.
  • Prioritize them.
  • Create time for them to pursue creative interests/hobbies.

5. Talk about your marriage.

While it may sound simple, communication is one of the main pitfalls of most relationships. Talk when it’s easy. Talk in the morning. Talk when there are things to celebrate. Talk when things are difficult. Talk when you are away from one another. Talk when you are struggling. Talk when you need help. Talk in the evening. Talk when you are laying in bed together. Just talk!

Aside from investing in conversations, choose to invest in your communication skills. Listen to your spouse. Do not listen to argue or make a point – really listen to them. Study their body language. Study your body language. Choose to listen to your tone when conversing and ensure it is not setting a demeaning tone.

“To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.” – G.K. Chesterton

6. Invest in marriage counseling.

Whether you feel your relationship is limping along or thriving, investing in marriage counseling is a decision that you will not regret. The counselors at Newport Beach Christian Counseling would love to equip you with an emotional toolbelt to withstand the highs and lows of your marriage.

We want to see you pursue one another, work through any disagreements/baggage from the past, and move forward in the best way. Call and schedule your appointment today and continue saying “I DO” to your spouse every single day.

Scriptures to pray for your marriage:

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. – 1 Corinthians 13:13, NIV

And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. – Colossians 3:14, ESV

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. – 1 John 4:8, NIV

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. – Romans 12:9, NIV

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. – Proverbs 17:17, ESV

Do everything in love. – 1 Corinthians 16:14, NIV

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. – John 13:34-35, ESV

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. – 1 Peter 3:7, ESV

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. – Ephesians 4:2, NIV

Photos:
“Happy Couple”, Courtesy of Alba Rebecca, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Paying Bills”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Counseling”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Renovation”, Courtesy of Anastasia Shuraeva, Pexels.com, CC0 License

How to Help Your Depressed Husband

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When a loved one is in pain, the vulnerability and emotional pain you go through can be debilitating. The feeling of helplessness can be all-consuming, paralyzing you into inaction. In those situations, great courage and fortitude are required to push through those feelings of helplessness and instead focus on being supportive and present for our loved ones.

The same goes when the loved one who is in pain is your husband, and the trial they are going through is battling depression. We’ve learned a lot about depression and other mental health concerns over the last few decades, and so there are a lot of things you can be aware of and do to be supportive of your depressed husband. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers valuable resources and professional guidance to help you support your loved one while also taking care of your own well-being.

Know what depression is and isn’t

Firstly, it’s of great importance for you to get informed about what depression is and isn’t, which can help you in dispelling any unhelpful myths or ideas you may have about the disease. Depression isn’t something a person can simply power through via sheer willpower, though for many men that is precisely the kind of mistake they make.

Depression is a mood disorder that impacts all aspects of a person’s being – physically, mentally, and emotionally; it also affects their behavior. Day to day activities become burdensome and difficult to do; even the things a person used to enjoy, like hobbies, lose their appeal.

Depression is a widespread mental health issue. Here in the United States, about 19% of adults have experienced a mental illness. Around 7.1% of adults (17.3 million people) have had at least one major episode of depression in their lives.

Women are twice as likely to have depression than men, but one of the symptoms of depression – having suicidal thoughts – tends to result in death more frequently in men. While women are more likely to attempt to commit suicide, men are four times as likely to succeed because they use more lethal means in their attempts.

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), nearly three hundred million people (about 264 million) across the world suffer from depression. This includes men and women, the young and the old, and people from every possible background including different cultures and ethnicities, religions, and social classes.

Having depression is not a sign of weakness. It can be caused by one or several factors, including genetics, trauma, illness, poor nutrition, and brain chemistry, among others.

Signs of a depressed husband

To better understand the question of depression, you should be informed about what depression looks like in men, and how that will impact your husband and your family. There are symptoms of depression that are common for both men and women, and these include the following:

  • anxiety
  • feeling sad, empty, or hopeless
  • aches, pains, and digestive problems
  • fatigue
  • sleeping too much or too little.
  • feeling restless and agitated
  • lack of concentration on work or tasks
  • struggling to fulfill family, work, or other obligations
  • difficulty remembering details
  • eating too much or too little
  • unintentional weight gain or loss
  • being unusually indecisive
  • having suicidal thoughts or making suicide attempts
  • losing interest in hobbies and things that were once exciting

Some other symptoms of depression are more specific to men, and these behaviors often hide depression. These include:

  • Compulsive behaviors, such as increasing intake of alcohol, gambling, or substance abuse.
  • Seeking isolation by avoiding family or social situations
  • Reckless behaviors, such as unprotected sex, sex with strangers, or reckless driving
  • Becoming overly sensitive, getting easily irritated, losing one’s sense of humor, getting angry quickly or with scant provocation, becoming more verbally or physically abusive of loved ones, or more controlling in relationships.

Diagnosing depression

It is important to help your husband to get a proper diagnosis. For it to be diagnosed as depression, the symptoms must persist for at least two weeks. It is important to seek help from a trained professional to get this proper diagnosis. Your doctor or healthcare provider can perform a series of tests to determine whether your husband has depression.

These may include a physical examination and some blood work to eliminate other possible sources of the symptoms. There is no single simple test for depression, but your physician can make a diagnosis based on the symptoms they observe and a psychological evaluation.

In most cases, they’ll ask questions about these areas to determine if your husband suffers from depression:

  • sleep patterns
  • moods
  • thoughts
  • appetite
  • level of activity

Treatment options for your depressed husband

There are various treatment options available for your depressed husband, and your husband and doctor need to proceed with a treatment plan that works for him. For the various possible treatments for depression to be effective, one key element is willing buy-in from the person suffering from depression. They must have ownership of the process.

They do need help, though. The people around them, who comprise their support team, can be there to encourage and stand in the gap where they can. For wives, this may mean being aware that more of the load may fall on you as your husband deals with the depression.

We mentioned earlier how the family may be affected negatively in various ways by a depressed husband and father. Giving them support, understanding, and accountability during their treatment will provide a more conducive environment for recovery.

When someone is diagnosed with depression, there are various strategies for treatment and coping with it. With mild depression, there are strategies they can implement to cope and manage it, and these include:

Finding support from friends and family through sharing feelings with people close to you helps you to feel less isolated and it makes those feelings feel less overwhelming. These cheerleaders can help you stay on the path to recovery. This support network can help with chores, driving to and from a doctor’s appointment and so much more.

Pursuing simplicity by breaking down huge tasks into smaller tasks.

Postponing big decisions until you’ve recovered. Discuss important decisions with trustworthy people.

Avoiding alcohol and other addictive substances may boost your mood and creates room for you to address your situation soberly.

Creating structure by making a daily routine can make each day feel a little easier with fewer decisions you have to make.

Eating and sleeping well by keeping up with good nutrition and getting good sleep helps you make progress toward better overall health.

Exercising or practicing mindfulness through meditating, and exercising by walking, running, or doing yoga may reduce stress and support overall well-being.

These coping strategies are supplemental to the treatment plan a licensed medical professional may create for your husband; they are certainly not a substitute for it. The trained psychotherapist may recommend medication or talk therapy, or a combination of both depending on the circumstances and the severity of the depression.

Medications such as antidepressants may be prescribed to help to cope with depression and get the body and mind back where they need to be. Usually, there are some side effects from the medication, and so the psychotherapist will likely adjust the type of medication and its dosage to meet the client’s needs.

Don’t expect immediate results, as the medication may only begin to have positive effects on a person’s mood or overall disposition after a few weeks. This process of finding the right medication and dosage can take a few months, so don’t lose heart, or begin doubting the process.

It is important for a person suffering from depression to keep taking their medication even when the outlook begins improving. Taking the foot off the gas prematurely because some of the symptoms of depression are lifting can set their progress back and potentially trigger a relapse with worsened symptoms.

The treatment plan, which includes taking medication, only stops in consultation with the psychotherapist who determines whether sufficient progress has been made.

Talk therapy, or psychotherapy, is another powerful component of the treatment plan. This can take several forms, but its main aim is to provide a person with space to talk through the situation with a trained and licensed mental health professional at Newport Beach Christian Counseling.

This process can unearth various issues in the relationships around the person struggling with depression, including your own. Psychotherapy also assists people suffering from depression to accomplish various goals, including:

  • helping them identify and replace negative beliefs and thought patterns with positive ones
  • finding adaptive and creative ways to solve problems
  • creating, setting, and maintaining realistic goals
  • learning how to cope with a crisis
  • developing capacity and a deeper ability to tolerate stress and distress
  • digging into their relationships and experiences to forge positive connections
  • learning to recognize the issues that contribute to depression

Your loved one doesn’t have to walk the journey through depression alone. With you and your family’s loving support and the knowledge possessed by trained psychotherapists and other professional caregivers, your depressed husband can work through his depression and gain the tools he needs to deal with this season of struggle.

Photos:
“Sad Face”, Courtesy of PDPics, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Hope or Despair”, Courtesy of geralt, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Depressed”, Courtesy of talipozer, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Down”, Courtesy of Peggy_Marco, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

Premarital Counseling: Strengthening Your Future Marriage

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For some, getting married is the fulfillment of a long-held dream. Finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with is no mean feat. The world of dating is peppered with false starts, dead ends, unmet promises, people who aren’t what we thought they were, and much more. So, when you make it through that minefield and find that person you love and want to build a life with, that’s cause for celebration.

Having gone through the dating ordeal and confirmed your intentions for one another, talking about premarital counseling seems like putting one last obstacle in your way just before the finish line. Do you need premarital counseling, or is it something for people who aren’t sure about what they want? Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers faith-based premarital counseling to help couples strengthen their foundation, improve communication, and prepare for a lasting, Christ-centered marriage.

The broad consensus is that doing premarital counseling is a wise decision for couples. Instead of looking at it as an obstacle to your happiness or a buzzkill for the planning around color schemes and your wedding menu, premarital counseling is one of the cornerstones in building your marriage.

It’s a vital step that will challenge you, but it will strengthen your commitment to one another while giving you the tools you need to navigate married life. It will confirm that you made the right decision to marry your beloved or provide you with insight and wisdom into your relationship so that you make an informed decision about the future.

What is the value of premarital counseling?

The value of premarital counseling is that it will help you prepare for married life with your partner. Pre-marriage counseling provides you with a space to reflect on aspects of your future lives together that will be vital for a flourishing and committed marriage. Sometimes, in the thrill of our intoxicating emotional connection with our partner, we don’t always ask the probing questions we ought to.

Or we simply assume that we’re on the same page about everything, even though we may not have gone into the specifics. Pre-marriage counseling is infinitely practical, getting you into those conversations that will make sure that as you set off on your life together you are united in purpose, clear about your expectations of one another and your relationship, and you have the skills you need to manage conflict well.

What kind of questions will come up?

Pre-marriage counseling covers a wide range of topics for discussion. Depending on your sessions and areas that need more focus than others, you may cover some or all these questions in depth.

Finances

Some of the fiercest and most common fights in marriage are about money. Money has a significant impact on your married life, from where you live, what you eat, whether you can take vacations, and what charities you can support financially.

There are many decisions to make that concern money in a relationship, and these include who works (one of you may earn enough to support you both, or both of you may need to work to support your family), who handles the finances (balancing the checkbook, managing your savings and investments), how will you use money in your spending, saving, investing, and giving.

These and other decisions need to be made within a marriage, and pre-marriage counseling addresses these so that the couple thinks through the practicalities of their married life.

Children

Another important question for a couple is whether they want children. How many children would you want to have? If biological children aren’t an option, would you consider adoption? Some couples find out when they do marriage counseling that their partner doesn’t want to have children, and they may want a house full of them.

Being clear about your hopes and expectations can save you from heartache later. During sessions you may also think through your own parenting beliefs and styles, to discern whether you are on the same page and share the same values around raising children.

Relating to family

In many cases, the couple that plans to get married is part of an extended family. Some people are close to their families, while others aren’t. Depending on those relationships, a couple may need to figure out practical things like where they will spend the holidays, how involved they want the family to be in their lives, and who will broach the subject if there’s an issue with the in-laws. The couple will need to set boundaries that work for both partners.

Goals and goal setting

Pre-marriage counseling can help a couple to speak openly about their life goals as individuals and as a couple, along with helping them be effective in setting and meeting goals together. Perhaps one of you wants to go to school, and you’ll have to work out for how long, how you will afford it, and then pivot to focus on the other partner’s development.

The goals can be renegotiated later but agreeing on goals and setting expectations early helps with accountability for a couple. Additionally, during pre-marriage counseling, a couple can be taught how to set and meet goals together.

Roles and distribution of tasks

The families that we grew up in taught and gave us our basic ideas of who does what in the family. Those ideas may change over time, but they are often our first and most important influences in that respect.

The times have changed, and more than ever there needs to be a discussion about what roles each partner assumes. Some people passionately believe that the man takes a leading role, while others would hold to equality in all things. Who does the dishes, who takes the car for a service, who works, or who takes care of the kids?

Each of us may think the answer to those questions is obvious, but too many couples find that their assumptions are wrong. A couple may choose to divide tasks according to capability, or they may stick to traditional roles in some things while mixing it up in others. The point is, each couple must figure out what works for them, and the starting point is asking probing questions.

Spirituality

For people of faith, their relationship with God is important and they want to nurture it. How will you cultivate this relationship? At which church community will you make your home? This is important and relevant if you aren’t in the same community.

Will you pray, fast, and read Scripture together or separately? How will you keep one another accountable and growing? Through this process, you may discover that you may have radically different or opposing ideas about spirituality, which means that tough decisions lie ahead.

Sex

Sex is a huge part of the physical and emotional connection between a couple. Questions will have to be answered about each person’s expectations about sex. How frequently does one expect it? What are the boundaries you’re establishing about sexual intimacy? These and other questions must be asked to ensure that this aspect of their lives is also addressed.

Time

With busy lives taken up by various commitments, how a couple uses their leisure time is another key area to reflect on. How will you use your leisure time? Will you use it to volunteer, chill at home and watch tv, start a sport or a hobby, or spend time with friends? When children come into the picture, how you use your time may need to be renegotiated as your priorities and commitments shift.

Conflict

Lastly, though a couple may hate to think it, there will be some disagreements and conflict that arises within a relationship. Each person handles conflict differently. Some avoid conflict, preferring not to bring up thorny issues, while others are confrontational.

Pre-marriage counseling can help a couple to figure out their individual “conflict style,” developing their communication skills, along with how to help one another address conflict in a healthy way so that you address the issue and don’t attack each other. Being able to manage conflict will go a long way to helping a couple face life’s struggles together.

Is premarital counseling right for you?

Premarital counseling is advisable for all couples, regardless of their age, ethnicity, socio-economic background, level of education, or whether they’ve been married before. Addressing issues ahead of time and gleaning wisdom to conduct your marriage wisely are some of the benefits of pre-marriage counseling.

Premarital counseling spaces can be found within religious institutions such as churches, but the services are also offered at community centers and private practices. You can even access pre-marriage counseling services online if your work hours or other obstacles don’t permit an in-person visit.

Whether in private sessions with a counselor or as part of a group with couples walking the journey toward marriage together, taking up pre-marriage counseling may be the best thing you can do to prepare for and strengthen the foundation of your future marriage. Newport Beach Christian Counseling provides faith-based premarital counseling to equip couples with the tools they need for a strong, Christ-centered relationship.

Photos:
“Married”, Courtesy of Wendel Moretti, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Kissing in the Field”, Courtesy of Lood Goosen, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Couple”, Courtesy of Cottonbro, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Couple in Counseling”, Courtesy of Anthony Shkraba, Pexels.com, CC0 License

Marriage Won’t Make You a Better Communicator

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In the Christian world, marriage is held in high esteem. It is largely considered a natural step toward a mature and fulfilling Christian life. This emphasis, while in many ways positive, can overly-glorify the experience of marriage. It’s not that marriage isn’t a significant gift from God, but that gift does not come without relational difficulties.

The tensions of marriage are not as often discussed as the beauty and sacredness of marriage. This absence can create an unrealistic expectation of marriage and even make newly married Christians think that marital problems are abnormal, creating a sense of shame surrounding getting help for their marriage. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers a safe and faith-based space for couples to address challenges, strengthen their relationship, and seek the support they need without fear or stigma.

Spoiler Alert: Marriage Won’t Make You a Better Communicator

One specific area of conflict not openly discussed is communication. Other than saying something like, “communication is key,” pastors and Christian leaders rarely spend much time illustrating the need for clear and honest communication or teaching on how to become a better communicator in marriage.

As a result, when seriously dating or engaged Christians experience conflict and poor communication, there is the temptation to brush it aside, thinking something along the lines of “when we get married this will get better.” That is a false reality.

Marriage will not make you a better communicator. Only you can make yourself a better communicator, and it will require time and effort. However, if you push it to the side and continue to hope for marriage to solve the problem, then your frustration at your or your partner’s inability to communicate will continue to grow into deeper and deeper marriage problems.

The reality is marriage will not make you a better communicator. Acknowledging this fact is a step toward building a better marriage. Once you are aware of this, you can begin identifying the communication issues in your relationship and work toward establishing healthy patterns of communication to fortify your marriage and intimacy.

The Marriage Lie

The marriage lie is the idea that marriage will fix the problems in your relationships. These problems can be financial, relational, in-laws, career – the list goes on and on. It doesn’t matter what the problem is, if you think marriage is the solution, you are mistaken. In fact, marriage often times intensifies the conflict. For the sake of this article, we will only discuss the issue of communication and how to become a better communicator.

How does marriage make your communication conflict more intense? For starters, marriage is initiated by the wedding, a season that often brings tremendous emotional, financial, and relational stress. Many couples survive the crucible of the wedding rather than thrive through the experience.

Even if your wedding is a positive experience, there is still the added stress of covenant commitment. When you are dating someone, there is always the security of separating if things don’t work out. This may sound callus or uncaring, but it’s human nature. If in the back of your mind you know that you can walk away, then there is always a certain level of security you feel. You have control and can opt out if you feel the need.

Once you get married, however, the commitment is final. If you are seeking to honor God with your marriage, then Biblically, there are very few circumstances that allow for a divorce. This sense of commitment can escalate your conflicts because where before you felt like you had a back door (whether you planned on using it or not), now, you are committed to this for better or for worse.

So when you experience conflict, things can get primal and instinctual very quickly as you fight for what you feel you need. It should come as no surprise that primal and instinctual are not great qualities for communication.

While you may have hoped for marriage to help your communication issues, you will quickly discover that the added commitment of marriage can actually create more stress, resulting in more marital problems.

It is important to note that marriage doesn’t create the problems. The problems were already there. It’s just that marriage cannot and will not deliver on the promise of solving your problems. That will require patience, love, commitment, and humility. You know, the hard stuff.

Communicating through Marriage Problems

So if marriage is not the solution to your communication issues, then what will help you handle your relational and marital problems? There are a lot of answers to this question. Each person and relationship will need something a little bit different. But that being said, there are some universal practices that can help you become a better communicator and resolve communication issues.

The first is recognizing your communication style. Are you someone who speaks what’s on your mind and can’t hide your feelings? Or are you someone who stuffs everything you feel inside hoping to avoid conflict? Step back and consider how you usually communicate.

Consider asking your partner or close friends to get their input. If you are struggling to understand how you communicate, then you may want to meet with a Christian counselor who can help you reflect on how you communicate with other people.

Second, consider the communication culture of your family. Was your family a place of healthy, mediated discussion where everyone got to share and express their emotions? Or was there an unwritten rule that the family does not discuss problems openly? Or maybe your family was more characterized by explosions of anger followed by peace as family members recovered from the intense outbursts.

You and your partner will likely repeat or continue the patterns you learned in your family. Discussing the pattern of communication in your family can be a helpful way for married couples to recognize their own issues in communication and set a vision for how they want to communicate.

If you begin to seriously explore your family patterns and find them painful or difficult to understand, then you should give serious consideration to working with a Christian counselor. Family of origin issues are complicated and very difficult to parse out on your own. Having a trained professional to help guide you and draw out your experience with your family is tremendously important.

Finally, recognizing the patterns in your marriage is key. Marital problems don’t appear overnight. They take time to grow and develop. Once you’ve considered your own style of communication and how your family communicated, it’s time to look at the details of how you and your spouse are communicating.

Look for patterns in your conflict. Are there topics, phrases, or behaviors that set you or your partner off? It is very important to recognize the detailed progression of your communication conflict in order to stop and resolve the issues before they get out of hand.

If things are already extremely tense between your partner and yourself, and you need relationship help, then consider Christian marriage counseling. Don’t wait until you are in a serious crisis to get professional help. A Christian marriage counselor can help mediate the conflict and explore the deeper issues behind the communication conflict.

These kinds of marital issues are not uncommon and there is no reason to feel ashamed to seek relationship help. Christian marriage counseling is too often seen as a last resort when it actually is much more effective at resolving issues earlier on in the process.

Don’t wait to get relationship help

In marriage, like in any other relationship, there will be conflict. But marriage is different because the commitment level is much, much higher. Most people put hope in marriage to solve their problems and are surprised to find that marriage can actually aggravate the problems.

Don’t let the shame of acknowledging issues in your marriage prevent you from seeking relationship help. Christian marriage counseling can turn a struggling relationship into a healthy, strong relationship. It will take openness, sacrifice, and humility, but remember, resolving conflict in your marriage is possible. Newport Beach Christian Counseling provides faith-based guidance to help couples heal, grow, and build a thriving marriage rooted in love and understanding.

Photos:
“Coffee”, Courtesy of Priscilla Du Preez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Who Gets the Cat?”, Courtesy of Hutomo Abrianto, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Knock Down Drag Out”, Courtesy of Afif Kusuma, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Conversing”, Courtesy of Christin Hume, Unsplash.com, CC0 License