References “A Celebration of Sex” by Dr. Douglas E. Rosenau

Getting married doesn’t mean you’ll never notice another attractive person. It’s normal to recognize that someone is good-looking and as long as you respond with integrity this isn’t something to feel guilty about.

God created us to be imaginative, but because of our sin natures we often use the gift of imagination for evil purposes, such as sexually depraved thoughts. By contrast, it’s vital for Christians to cultivate a healthy sexual thought life. If you’re married, this doesn’t mean repressing sexual thoughts; it means channeling them appropriately.

If sex within marriage is good, then thinking about it must be good too, as long as our thoughts love and honor our spouse (for example, avoiding fantasies of degrading or harmful behavior).

But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death. – James 1:13-14

Sexual sin first gains a foothold in one’s thought life. Here are some tips for avoiding it.

How to Avoid Sexual Temptation and Relationship Problems

Don’t Linger

“Keep your gaze moving rather than lingering.” (79)

Again, it’s normal to simply recognize that someone is attractive, but it’s sin to allow that thought to turn into something more. This means you need to avoid “checking out” anyone other than your spouse.

Casually noticing someone’s appearance is different than looking them up and down with a lingering gaze. Rosenau suggests the “one-second” glance as a helpful rule.

Avoid Ungodly Media Sources

Sexual messages permeate our culture, but this doesn’t mean you’re doomed; after all, alcohol commercials are almost as pervasive, yet you certainly wouldn’t do a shot every time you saw one. Avoid any form of media that encourages adultery, hook-ups, casual sex, etc.

The entertainment industry glamorizes illicit sex, yet often ignores the resulting fallout of heartache, sexually transmitted diseases, unintended pregnancy, broken families, and more.

 

Avoid Adulterous Sexual Fantasies

Keep your thoughts far away from going down this road. Adhere strictly to this rule, especially where it concerns people who are accessible to you. Sin begins in the heart. The more often you cultivate sinful fantasies, the less resistance to temptation you will have when the opportunity presents itself. Cut this sin off at the root where it counts, in your thought life.

Focus on the Positive

We all have physical flaws; don’t focus on your partner’s while fantasizing about perfection. “Continued fantasies about women with big breasts, or men with muscular shoulders, are stupid if your partner is small. The same can be said about not taking the energy to allow your mate to be erotically attractive to you and fantasizing that you are making love to someone else.” (79)

It’s futile and selfish to focus on your partner’s imperfect characteristics; instead, pay attention to the qualities you most admire about them, both inside and out.

Refresh your Relationship

Anything can get worn out over time, even your thought life regarding your sexual relationship. Creative lovemaking starts in the mind; consider new experiences you and your spouse could explore together. You can start with these ideas from Rosenau:

1. Describe a sexual fantasy out loud, or write it down, including how both you and your partner would participate, where and when it would take place, and why it appeals to you.
2. Ask your spouse to do the same, and share them with each other.
3. Elaborate on your spouse’s ideas by adding some of your own. Keep it lighthearted.
4. If you’re uncomfortable with any aspect of your spouse’s fantasy, share why in an honest, loving way.
5. Create a list of mutually appreciated ideas, and plan when you’ll implement one or more of them.

Christian Counseling: How it Can Help Your Sex Life

Processing sexual difficulties in your relationship can take a lot of time and patience. Conversations may be challenging, awkward, or lead to arguments or misunderstandings because this is such a sensitive subject.

Professional Christian counseling can help you verbalize your thoughts and feelings and address any conflict the two of you have. Our counselors combine both a clinical and Biblical approach that seeks to apply God’s principles to the sexual relationship in marriage.

If you and/or your spouse are considering marriage counseling, you should not be surprised if you encounter a great deal of resistance. Typically, when a couple reaches the point of needing a marriage counselor the situation has become bad enough that they are even willing to talk to a stranger about it.

In many cases, shame has entered the picture, making the choice to seek counseling even more difficult and more complex. By this point, you are probably asking if there is any real value to marriage counseling, or if it even works.

It should come as no surprise that the answer is yes, but that its relative success depends entirely on both parties’ level of dedication both to each other and the counseling process.

Though there is a spectrum of opinions on marital counseling, the fact remains that you are attempting to fix the one relationship that is most valuable to you, so you might need to get past a degree of reluctance start down the road.

Arguments in Favor of Marriage Counseling

1. The Need for a Mediator

Unfortunately, when a couple realizes that their marriage needs help in the 11^th hour, communication deteriorated to the point that they are unable to talk through the important issues without arguing.

They need someone to play referee and send each of them back to their corners, to make calls on fouls or boundary violations, and help redirect the way they talk to each other. This way, each person’s side can be voiced and emotional responses toned down.

As our anxiety or anger grows our ability to reason declines, as well as our ability to bond. Only when both spouses contain or manage their emotions (with deep breathing techniques, for example) is mature conversation about tough subjects possible.

Until both parties are able to control their emotions, it is necessary to have a third party on hand to prevent important conversations from degenerating into an argument.

2. The Need for a Fresh Perspective

A second class of issues that can develop within the marriage relationship is conflict that has sometimes formed over the course of years or even decades. A couple can find themselves trapped in unhealthy cycles of feeling, thinking, and communicating. When these problems are left unaddressed over time one can begin to feel that change will never happen.

Talking with a counselor can not only bring a fresh set of eyes to the problem but should ideally add some expertise and experience to the mix. Therapists have the skills to help you break down the walls you’ve put up in response to painful relationship problems, understand the core issues, and establish workarounds to eliminate their effects.

3. The Need to Bring Hope

Long-term persistence of marital issues can lead to that the situation will never (and indeed can never) change. Staying together while feeling like this will only result in living in a world where your relationship is a mere shell of what you’d hoped it would be.

Making the decision together to seek help from a marriage counselor is a hopeful sign for the future. This simple action proclaims that overcoming your problems and finding a new and better way to relate, encourage emotional growth, and encourage relational health is possible.

Remember that while happiness may be a by-product of having one’s needs cared for, it is not the main goal. Feelings of happiness come and go, but feelings of gratitude and trust are ultimately more.

4. Improving Bonding by Overcoming Hardship as a Team

Marital problems can make the relationship seem like a war zone. You begin to feel like you are stuck in the same foxhole shooting at each other.

Once you come to admit what a terrible waste of time it is, a therapist can help you learn to work together against a common foe. Working as one, you will learn to safely navigate the battlefield together, or even better, fortify your firing position to create a space of strength from which the two of you can face anything life brings.

Have you heard the term “war buddy bond”? When soldiers have experienced war together they develop a bond deeper than family ties, stronger than friendship or affection. It is a deep-rooted interest in the other person’s wellbeing which drives their ability to fight for them when they are fighting through internal or external turmoil.

Sometimes, “we have met the enemy and he is us”. We allow negative self-talk to control our thoughts. Spouses who are closely bonded can point out each other’s negative attitudes without initiating feelings of shame. Instead, they can help the struggling spouse back to a more accurate self-evaluation.

There is a kind of beauty in fighting the battle together. Eventually, you will come to realize that you are actually living out your marriage vows by loving, honoring, cherishing, and being there for each other as God has designed for you to be.

5. Doing Hard Things

People typically take the path of least resistance. This is not uncommon or something to feel bad about. However, nearly everything meaningful in life requires effort – sometimes a lot of it. Of course, there are occasions when you need to “take your ball and go home” but giving up too easily and too often can make it one’s default setting.

Unless our marriage has been damaged such that there is nothing left worth saving, there is typically something good left that is worth the effort to try to save. Something in our spouse caused us to say, “I want to be with this person for the rest of my life.” This is something to keep firmly in mind.

Working through marital issues together with a counselor is the best way to return to the place where you recall what you loved about your spouse, and also to discover some new things about them to love.

6. The Stakes are Huge

When a marriage fails, it never does so in a vacuum. Every single relationship that the couple has is impacted. It goes without saying that the failure usually causes devastation to both partners, and in more ways than one. Any children involved can be so heavily damaged by it that it can destroy their capacity for trust in relationships and affect their ability to commit to marriage, themselves.

Meanwhile, relationships with extended family are fractured, even when a divorce is “amicable”. Family bonds are damaged as well, and though they may survive, they will be forever changed.

Friendships can fracture, as mutual friends of the divorcing couple are forced to take sides. In the same way and for the same reasons, church relationships can become strained. Finally, there is still a stigma rightly associated with divorce. Even if you eventually move past it, at some level you will always feel regret.

Arguments Against Marriage Counseling

In spite of the arguments in favor of Christian marriage counseling, but it isn’t for everyone. A number of things should be considered, such as your current emotional state, the level of willingness, and whether you have the diligence to find a suitable counselor. The following factors should be considered if you are thinking about marriage counseling.

1. Both Spouses Need to Be (or Become) Committed

It happens quite frequently that one or both partners experience some hesitation to begin counseling, although those feelings typically dissipate as the benefits of counseling become more obvious. However, when one spouse wants counseling and nags their partner into attending, causing the resistant party to sit there with arms folded, refusing to cooperate, no real progress is going to be made.

It takes hard work to bring about change, and a spouse continues to resist the process shows themselves to be unwilling to change. If your spouse is recalcitrant it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try to get therapy, but when their resistance continues through therapy sessions, it might be wiser to end the therapy.

But if the spouse is willing to continue the therapy and shows any signs of engaging, even with a bad attitude, it is best to give the therapy a chance. How they’re engaging is less important than the fact of their engagement.

However, if the spouse sits there in silence, or only responds with negativity or criticism, it is probably best to just be done. In order for any progress to be made, both partners have to want it to work.

2. It May Be Too Late

Sadly, some couples don’t try to get counseling until they are way past the point of no return. If communication has deteriorated to the point that words are only being used as weapons, no progress can be made in or out of counseling.

Progress can only be gained when both partners are willing to humbly repent of their need to be right, vindicated, and to pay back their spouse for injuries (real or imagined).

Both spouses need to be convinced that something was good in the relationship that though lost, can still be saved. This can only happen when we can admit to and repent of our part in the breaking of the relationship. Lack of forgiveness spells the beginning of the end in any kind of relationship.

3. Spouses Have to Want to Change

If a spouse is involved in infidelity, agrees to counseling, but refuses to stop the affair, progress in therapy will be impossible.

Perhaps a spouse is engaging in destructive, disruptive or damaging behaviors and refuses to get help. This means that they are choosing their behavior over their marriage, which amounts to a violation of their marriage vows. They essentially saying that they will hurt whoever they want in order to please themselves.

Such a statement will bring nothing but heartache to the betrayed partner. Such a spouse no longer has your best interests at heart and has already left the marriage at least on an emotional level.

4. Individual Issues May Need to be Worked Through First

Marriage counseling may not currently be the best choice if either or both spouses have a history of serious emotional trauma before the marriage. Extra work may need to be done so that the person can separate old emotions related to the trauma from new emotions associated with the marriage.

Some couples may begin counseling together, only to split off into individual sessions in order to focus on their individual needs. If progress is made individually, therapists may reconvene the couples’ counseling or stop sessions if progress was sufficient.

5. Know Your Limits

There can be any number of personal reasons why counseling wouldn’t be beneficial though a person may have to give counseling a try in order to figure out what those reasons are. People sometimes have a pathological aversion to taking advice or are so pridefully convinced that they are right, that no one can convince them that they are wrong.

However, if a person with that attitude actually wants counseling, it is a good indicator that they recognize that there is a problem in the first place and want change. The extent of the possible change won’t be evident to them until they give counseling a try.

Anxiety at the very thought of marriage counseling could prove incapacitating, preventing one from ever seeking it. In that situation, a psychiatrist can help you find the proper medication to reduce your anxiety to the point that you can get counseling.

6. Finding the Right Counselor

Sadly, there are some therapists who provide really bad counsel. For example, a counselor advised a woman in marriage counseling to have extra-marital affairs in order to better understand the adulterous feelings she had – behavior which would be disastrous to the marriage.

If you become persuaded that your therapist is not helping fix your marriage problems, break things off, immediately. This doesn’t mean that you throw in the towel on counseling, but it is better to have no counseling than worthless or destructive counseling.

Typically, it is better to get counseling for seemingly insurmountable problems in a marriage, than not. If both spouses desire to work at it with a counselor then there is a good possibility of success.

Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. – Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

People were meant to be in relationships, and indeed, they are necessary to survive in this world since everyone needs care and nurturing for the first decade or so of life.

Relationships also define who we are as we get older. Children are affirmed, confident and highly motivated when their family relationships are strong. And as adults, the strength of one’s working relationships improves income while a solid marital or romantic relationship provides inspiration.

But despite the positive energy people may gain as they interact with the people around them, difficulties inevitably arise. Everyone is different and nobody stays the same. Eventually, due to misunderstandings or a change in views, conflicts occur. The challenge is how to deal with them in a positive manner.

Confrontation in Relationships

Most people dislike dealing with confrontations especially with people that they highly respect or love. The worry is always there that one might offend the person and possibly damage the close relationship they may have. This is why many prefer to just sweep everything under the rug, hoping that the annoying habit will go away or that the hurtful incident will be forgotten.

However, if not dealt with, whatever is disrupting the relationship may persist until there is no way to mend the hurt. Should that occur, even more disappointment and pain awaits. Moreover, continued bitterness and resentment prevent people from growing in Christ and moving forward with their lives.

Dr. David Schnarch of the Marriage & Family Health Center in Colorado calls this becoming “emotionally fused.” A person connects so many powerful emotions to another person that they can no longer separate themselves from them. These entangling bonds keep them from moving beyond where they are now. Thus, if one still values that relationship, something must be done, and fast.

For Example …

Let’s take for an example a husband and wife striving to live a Godly life together. Despite doing their best, sometimes there really are differences in personalities and upbringing. She may be very orderly while he is a tad bit sloppy.

After months of dealing with his sloppiness and seeming unconcern about him messing up what she took all afternoon to fix, she explodes over dinner saying, “Don’t realize how much effort I’ve put into cleaning up after you and the kids?! And now you are going to leave your socks on the couch and drag in mud on the floor?! Can you please put some effort into putting your things away properly and cleaning your mess?! It makes me feel like you don’t appreciate the things I do for our family!”

Now exploding at your spouse is not the best way to do things as there is a strong possibility that he will react negatively. But if he loves her, he will consider the context of what was said and make the proper adjustments.

So confrontation is a necessary part of a healthy relationship, but it needs to be done in the proper way and not through wrong methods.

What Should NOT be Done

While it is crucial to get to tackle the issue, there are some things that should be avoided.

1. Do NOT become passive aggressive

Many people wrongly believe that it is important that the “offender” knows that they are hurt, so they begin acting negatively in the hope that the offending person realizes the mistake and takes the first step to apologize and make amends.

Sadly, this method usually does not work out since people cannot read minds. Rather, new reasons for being upset with one another spring up.

2. Do NOT seek revenge

Something that is even worse than subtle aggression is revenge. A common saying is “two wrongs do not make a right” and that is true. Hurting the offender as much or even more than they hurt you will ultimately destroy your relationship.

3. Do NOT avoid the issue

There are those who choose to keep quiet instead. They tell themselves that they are simply waiting for the “right time” to share it but this time never happens. Avoiding the issue just allows the problem to build up into bitterness, eventually destroying what you have.

4. Do NOT embarrass them publicly

Some people do choose to confront the situation but with a jury of their peers, bringing up the hurts in front of friends, family or even strangers. Rather than fixing the problem, this just causes resentment, which strains the relationship even more.

What Should be Done Instead

1. DO set a time to discuss things in a friendly and private place

To make things work, you need to be proactive in mending the relationship rather than waiting for something to happen. And this is better done in a friendly and generally private area where both feel safe and comfortable. Invite them to lunch or to a coffee and then get to the point. Hopefully, the good ambiance will help soften up their heart.

2. DO consider preparing notes or a letter beforehand

Not everyone is blessed with great communication skills, especially when what will be shared is emotional and possibly quite painful. Note cards or even a letter can ensure that what you would like to communicate is understood loud and clear.

3. DO remain calm at all times

Since the objective is to fix an important relationship, it pays to stay cool and collected at all times. Being aggressive or even hysterical will not help at all.

In short, your heart has to be in the right place when you confront that important person. The idea is to mend what is broken (or bent out of shape) so that your relationship stays strong. So level with them and say, “I don’t think you realize how hurtful/offensive it is when you do “X.” It hurts/offends me because “Y,” and I’d appreciate it if you’d avoid doing it in the future.” Remember, it takes one to forgive and two to reconcile.

What if They View Things Differently?

Sometimes, despite the best of intentions, you may find yourself in the difficult spot where your friend, family member, or colleague strongly disagrees with what was shared. This is especially hard if they take the offensive, choosing to blame you for your skewed view of things or your supposed selfishness or oversensitivity.

Don’t Panic

Now before you start blaming yourself for the situation, recall the purpose of your talk. If you took the time to assess your feelings beforehand and were prepared for the encounter, then it is unlikely that you are wrong. If it was big enough that you wanted to address it, then there is probably truth to your hurt.

Listen Carefully to What is Said to You

Though it may hurt, sometimes what they have to say is also true. If their arguments against you are correct, then be willing to consider their hurts as well and work out a solution together.

However, be careful that they are not gaslighting you. “Gaslighting” is a term derived from the 1940s film Gaslight (based on the play Angel Street) in which a husband uses various deceptions to convince his wife she’s crazy so she won’t be believed when she reports strange things that are actually happening.

Rather than admitting that they are wrong, gaslighters try to turn the tables around by emotionally attacking the other in the hope that their accuser will change their mind. Their attacks are rarely based on fact or reason; instead, gaslighting usually takes the form of dismissive utterances such as, “You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already!”

If gaslighting IS the response, then insist on them on hearing you out and finding a rational solution together. If they still refuse, then perhaps it is time to reconsider just how important that relationship is to you.

If someone is not willing to be adult enough to consider mutual hurts, then it will be quite impossible to have a healthy relationship with them. In such circumstances, it may be better to move on without them lest they continue to take advantage of you and pull you down.

What if you can’t just pick up and leave?

Things become more complicated if the offending party is someone you cannot just leave behind. At this point, you may think that YOU are the one who is unreasonable, believing that that person can change for you. But remember, there is a big difference between differing opinions and hurtful behavior.

Should this be the case, then you ought to consider getting a third-party perspective. A Christian counselor can help you both sort out your feelings so you both do not succumb to temptation and possible retaliation. In Galatians 6:1 it says, “Brothers if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual restore them gently, but watch yourselves or you also may be tempted”.

But should that other person disagree with the idea, believing that it is a waste of their time, then you ought to still pursue such a counseling session on your own to get the appropriate advice. Your counselor can help you find a better way of communicating your concerns to the offending party to help fix what should not be broken.