Is Fear of Commitment Ruining Your Relationship?

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Emily and Eric had been dating for one year, and they’d had several conversations about getting married, but Eric hadn’t popped the question yet. Emily’s friends asked her regularly when they were planning on getting married because she had often talked about wanting to be a wife and thinking that Eric was the one.

Everything seemed to be going well. Emily and Eric’s friends liked the relationship, and their families thought they seemed very compatible. So Eric was shocked when after two years of dating, Emily turned his marriage proposal down.

That night, Emily’s mom called. Through tears, Emily told her mom, “I wasn’t ready yet. I love Eric, and I want to be his wife, but when I saw him kneeling there with the ring, I just couldn’t say yes. I feel like I’m going to be trapped if I say yes.”

Maybe you’ve never turned down a marriage proposal, but have you ever been flooded with fear before making a big decision? It can be so much more comfortable to linger in uncertainty instead of choosing a course of action, knowing you can’t go back.

The fear of commitment can surface in other areas of your life besides romantic relationships. It might prevent you from settling on a career path, moving to a new area, or choosing a major in college. Any decision that limits your future can seem daunting and frightening. It’s too hard to deal with the overwhelming fear, so you end up avoiding these decisions or putting them off as long as possible. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help you navigate these fears and provide the support you need to make confident decisions.

What causes an unreasonable fear of commitment? How can you overcome it, and how can you know if and when your fears are justified? If you’ve realized that your commitment phobia is affecting your life, you’re probably ready to do whatever you can to overcome it. Or maybe it’s your partner who has a fear of commitment and you’re feeling hurt that they are keeping you at arm’s length.

Keep reading to find out more about the fear of commitment and how you can work through it in your relationships and your life.

What is Fear of Commitment?

How can you tell if you just have “normal” cold feet in your relationship, vs. allowing a dysfunctional fear to wreak havoc? Don’t most people feel kind of afraid to commit? When does it cross a line into something you might need help overcoming?

If you’re reading this article, you probably recognize that the fear of commitment is causing problems in your relationship, whether it’s you or your partner who is fearful. So let’s break it down a little more. The word commitment means “an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action.”

A commitment restricts your freedom. Isn’t that the root of your fear? When you keep your options open, you still feel free. But there’s a problem with this kind of freedom. When we always keep our options open, we never get to enjoy the rewards of commitment – a fulfilling marriage, for example, or a rewarding career.

A fear of commitment can also be known as commitment phobia or relationship anxiety. These terms aren’t an official diagnosis; they’re just used to a sense of extreme anxiety in a relationship that prevents the relationship from moving forward naturally. According to Psych Central:

“People with a commitment phobia long and want a long-term connection with another person, but their overwhelming anxiety prevents them from staying in any relationship for too long. If pressed for a commitment, they are far more likely to leave the relationship than to make the commitment. Or they may initially agree to the commitment, then back down days or weeks later, because of their overwhelming anxiety and fears.”

As you can see, relationship anxiety prevents you from having what you really want. You might desire to be in a long-term relationship, to get married, to trust your partner and enjoy your life with them. But you’re held back from this ultimate goal by your own overwhelming fear.

If this describes you, don’t lose hope – you can overcome the fear of commitment. It doesn’t have to prevent you from having the relationship or life you desire.

Commitment and Attachment Theory

Psychologists offer a few explanations for the root of commitment phobia, and one of the explanations stems from attachment theory. Good Therapy explains:

“According to attachment theory, the quality of the relationship will depend on an attachment figure’s alertness,responsiveness,and availability to meet the individual’s personal needs. Additionally, attachment theory suggests that prior social interactions – particularly those experienced in childhood – can also influence a person’s behavior and may have a significant impact on the way an individual perceives relationships in adulthood.” [emphasis added]

So, if you experienced an insecure attachment with your caregiver(s) as a child, you might struggle to have a healthy attachment in adult relationships. You might be afraid to trust them and make a long-term commitment.

Or you might have experienced an insecure adult relationship that has led to fears of committing to someone else. Your partner may not have been emotionally available or responsive to your needs. Here are a few more possible causes of the fear of commitment (Psych Central):

  • Dysfunctional environment in the family of origin
  • Experience of trauma or abuse in childhood
  • A past unhealthy relationship
  • Specific fears: of the relationship ending without prior notice, of someone hurting you unexpectedly, etc.

Many experiences can act as triggers for a fear of commitment, causing you to struggle with ongoing anxiety.

Symptoms of the Fear of Commitment

Here are some behaviors that you or your partner might display if you are afraid to commit:

  • Feelings of anxiety or uneasiness when your partner brings up plans or talks about commitment
  • Avoiding planning for the future or discussing where the relationship is headed
  • Avoiding emotional vulnerability and closeness
  • Engaging in a series of short-term relationships that lack depth; moving on before things get too serious
  • Ghosting the other person for days at a time, especially once you’re past the very early stages of a relationship

Every relationship moves at its own pace, and it takes some people longer than others to make a decision to commit. That’s normal. But a chronic fear of commitment can prevent you from moving forward even when you really want to. It can become an inner battle to allow yourself to commit to someone. This struggle can prevent you from enjoying a fulfilling relationship.

Is a Fear of Commitment Ever Justified?

It’s crucial to listen to your intuition in every relationship, not just romantic ones, but especially before you make a lifetime commitment to someone. A fear of commitment and a sense that something is wrong or unhealthy are two different things.

If you are in a relationship and you are hesitating about commitment, ask yourself whether this fear is a pervasive pattern or whether it’s specific to this relationship. The younger and more inexperienced you are, the harder it can be to tell the difference.

Get advice from your family, friends, or a qualified Christian counselor if you need help discerning whether you’re dealing with an unhealthy relationship. Don’t ignore red flags, warning signs, or the fact that you and this person may not be compatible. Taking your time, praying, and using discernment are all healthy behaviors that partners should respect in each other.

But allowing a chronic fear of commitment to prevent you from forming an emotional attachment is something altogether different. Don’t feel bad about taking time to commit, but don’t let fear control you, either.

Overcoming a Fear of Commitment

Anxiety isn’t a rational thing; it’s a stress response to a perceived threat. So you can’t just reason yourself out of your fear of commitment. But you can start gradually teaching your brain and emotions that you’re safe and it’s okay to let your guard down little by little, and eventually make a long-term commitment.

You can start by taking small steps in the right direction. Commit to short-term plans. Commit to plans a few months away. Gradually increase your capacity to make a commitment for your future.

Recognize that regret is part of life. None of us have perfect foresight and unrestricted freedom. Every choice we make to do one thing is a choice not to do something else. None of us will choose perfectly. Our realities will always be limited by our own decisions.

Trust God’s plan for your life and that he can and will work all things together for your good (Romans 8:28). Commitment and responsibility are inextricably linked. Once you’ve committed to a course of action, you now have responsibilities related to it, and that’s okay. Living up to your responsibilities and commitments will make you a healthier, stronger person.

If you or your partner is struggling with a fear of commitment, don’t be afraid to talk about it together. The individual struggling may choose to get individual counseling for fear of commitment, where he or she can work through possible attachment issues, childhood experiences, and past relationships. Couples counseling can also help you work through these issues together.

The fear of commitment doesn’t have to stop you from having a fulfilling life and relationship. Reach out for a risk-free initial appointment with one of our Christian counselors at Newport Beach Christian Counseling today so you can take the next steps towards living in freedom.

Resources:

https://www.healthline.com/health/fear-of-commitment

https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/commitment-issues

https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-is-commitment-phobia-relationship-anxiety/

Photos:
“Dilemma”, Courtesy of Andrea Piacquadio, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Do I Love Him?”, Courtesy of Jonathan Andrew, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Holding Hands”, Courtesy of TranStudios Photography Video, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Bonds of Love”, Courtesy of Pixabay, Pexels.com, CC0 License

How Could the Enneagram Personality Test Relate to Christian Counseling?

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Words can be a funny thing. Over time, their meaning can change and new words come into our vernacular. One word you might be hearing more often is “Enneagram.” For those who don’t know what it is, it might sound like a diagram. Others think it’s a medical tool, like a sonogram. Often people hear it and think it’s something scientific that doesn’t apply to them.

Today let’s unravel what it is and why it’s useful for everyone. This helpful personality tool is being used by counselors, spiritual directors, pastors, small group leaders, and everyday people. It has even been connected to the Seven Deadly Sins to help us understand our sin nature. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can guide you in using this tool for self-awareness and spiritual growth.

What is the Enneagram Personality Test?

“The Enneagram opens you to an extraordinary view of the truth about you. It can help you recognize your unique melody as well as where you are off-key internally and relationally.” – Spiritual Rhythms for the Enneagram, by Adele Doug Calhoun and Clare Scott Loughrige

At its most basic, it is a tool for understanding personality. As we expand from there we see it’s a valuable resource for spiritual development. It teaches us ways we’re prone to struggle, our weaknesses and strengths, and ways to find harmony.

Nine Enneagram personality types are the main focus. Though there are sub-types and wings as well, most people are concerned with their main type. Each type corresponds to a number. These types influence how we understand and interact with the world, others, God, and ourselves.

The name comes from the Greek word enneawhich means nine andgram meaning figure. Each of the nine types is mapped out into a geometric design. On this chart, we see how the other numbers interact with and influence one another. It can also show ways we lean to another number during periods of stress, trauma, or transition.

The exact origins of the Enneagram personality test are a mystery. It’s an ancient method for understanding human personality. This tool has been used by Christians and other religions around the world for centuries.

It wasn’t until the 1970s that tool came to the United States. American-trained psychiatrist Claudio Naranjo brought it here. He helped merge the nine types and modern psychological research. After bringing it to the US, one of Naranjo’s first students was a priest named Father Robert Ochs. He began teaching it as a tool at Loyola seminary. It has continued to spread and is now known by millions.

Today many of Ochs’ original students are teachers themselves. Often those who teach and offer Enneagram coaching share their lineage to Ochs. This is similar to how we share our family lineage. Coaches are available through counseling offices, churches, private practice, online, and more. You’ll find books, classes, and even a few apps available to help guide you on your journey, all thanks to one man bringing it to the US.

Using the Enneagram in everyday life

It can be far too easy to take a personality test and never think about it again. We take the test everyone on Facebook is taking, think “hm, that’s interesting,” post our results, and never think about it again. Even with a tool this transformative, this still happens. There is an urge to find out our type without exploring it so we feel like we fit in is for all of us.

Diving into our type feels vulnerable. It feels like opening ourselves up to parts we may not want to know about or face. Yet diving in has the chance to transform your life in the best of ways.

Knowing what our type looks like as healthy and unhealthy gives us tools to approach challenges. Your study will point back to yourself, as well as to how you relate to others and to God.

Benefits of the Enneagram

These are some of the ways the Enneagram has benefited people in their everyday lives:

  • Couples have found it helpful to understand their partner’s behaviors, beliefs, core longings, and struggles.
  • In the workplace, bosses and managers are using it to improve productivity, employee satisfaction, and build a strong team.
  • Pastors and priests can use it to better understand themselves and their parishioners.
  • Parents have found it to be a wonderful way to relate to their adult children.
  • Our type can also give us unique insight as to how we relate with God, the areas where we sin, and spiritual disciplines that will benefit us.
  • In small groups knowing one another’s type can help group members interact with each other with more grace and kindness.

This is transformative and has changed countless lives worldwide. According to author Beth McCord “…The Gospel itself is the transformation. The Enneagram simply illuminates our heart’s intent. The Enneagram can show us what’s wrong; only Christ can fix it.” (Becoming Us: Using the Enneagram to Create a Thriving Gospel Centered Marriage)

Some people are private about their type. Perhaps they feel ashamed of their type or feel revealing their type will give away information they’re not ready to share. Just as we never push someone to tell us personal information, we never want to push someone to tell us their type.

Finding your Enneagram type

People are usually eager to find their types. For some, this is a quick process and they’re able to find their type within a matter of days or even hours. In other cases, it can take weeks, months, or even years.

It seems to be especially difficult to find one’s type if someone has been through trauma, chronic stress, or other challenging situations recently. In those situations, we often lean towards a different type. It’s not at all uncommon for someone to type themselves then study more or come out a chaotic life situation to realize they were actually a different type.

The best way to begin finding your type is to read brief descriptions. Next, find additional resources and do more in-depth reading about that type and its wings. Sometimes people will choose to do a thorough study of each type over a long period of time. Then they type themselves after coming to an understanding of all the types.

There are a few apps and online quizzes that offer the ability to type yourself as well. As with anything online, some are better than others. Take them with a grain of salt as only a good way to get initial ideas. Then dive into deeper research of that type to see if it sounds like you.

You’ll find courses and books galore. There are dozens of podcasts, YouTube videos, and sermons available to help out. The Christian band Sleeping At Lasteven wrote a song based on each type. People have found them to be quite helpful when trying to discern their type.

It can be tempting to type others but don’t try. We want to relate to them better, unravel their quirks, or justify their actions. A person’s type is personal. In typing ourselves, we face aspects we may not have ever faced before. Typing oneself involves exploring things our closest friends and family may not even be aware of. It’s not possible to know what others think, feel, or experience so it’s not possible to type anyone else.

Don’t worry if this all feels overwhelming to you – it’s almost like learning a new language. Exploring with a trusted guide such as a spiritual director, pastor, priest, or counselor can be helpful. They can help you to find your type and help work through feelings that might arise. Then you can work together to figure out how to engage with God and how you understand God in light of your type. Christians are finding this to be one of the most helpful resources in understanding their own sin nature and building a strong walk with God.

The Enneagram Personality Test is also a powerful tool in the context of a counseling relationship. Working with the psychological background in mind has proven to be quite helpful. Let your counselor, such as those at Newport Beach Christian Counseling, know if this is a tool you’re interested in exploring together to gain deeper insights and foster personal growth.

Photos:
“Writing”, Courtesy of Green Chameleon, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Discovery”, Courtesy of Noble Mitchell, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Ethereal Lane”, Courtesy of Casey Horner, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Studying”, Courtesy of Joel Muniz, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Ways to Relieve Stress from Your Life

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When is the last time you felt stressed? What caused it? Are you stressed right now? Take a minute to consider when, during your day and week, you tend to feel the most overwhelmed and tense. When are you under the most strain? What physical and emotional signs of stress do you experience when the tension goes on for too long?

We all go through times of feeling overwhelmed or overworked. Maybe you think being constantly stressed is normal. Or, maybe you feel like it’s a completely negative condition to have that sense of emotional stress. Newport Beach Christian Counseling provides tools and support to help you manage stress and find balance in your life.

It’s possible, especially if you grew up in an abusive or dysfunctional household, that you’re not used to living without a feeling of constant stress and tension. But, you should know that even though feeling stressed out is a normal occurrence for everyone, you don’t have to live with chronic stress with no healthy coping mechanisms. There is hope to deal with chronic stress, to escape it when possible, and to manage it optimally if you can’t escape it.

The truth is that stress is a complex experience that affects the brain, body, and emotions. There’s no simple explanation for what causes it, how to reduce stress, and how to manage the necessary stress that’s an inevitable part of our daily lives.

But, there are some answers available to you, and more importantly, there is support if you are feeling too overwhelmed to manage life stressors on your own. Let’s talk more in detail about the meaning of stress, types of stress, ways to relieve stress, and what you can do if there’s just too much for you to manage.

Defining Stress and the Causes of Stress

According to the Cleveland Clinic:

“Stress is the body’s reaction to any change that requires an adjustment or response. The body reacts to these changes with physical, mental, and emotional responses. Stress is a normal part of life. You can experience stress from your environment, your body, and your thoughts. Even positive life changes such as a promotion, a mortgage, or the birth of a child produce stress.”

In other words, not all stress is bad stress. It’s just that our bodies respond to change with physical symptoms of stress, and all of us have different thresholds for how much we can tolerate before feeling overwhelmed. Negative life experiences will inevitably affect us physically and emotionally.

So, if your body reacts to significant life events with specific responses, how can you know how much stress is too much? If you’re noticing signs of stress, or if you’re going through a long season of chronic stress, what can you do to cope? Coping with difficult experiences or life changes helps us build resiliency, the ability to emotionally navigate and withstand hard circumstances.

If we never faced the need to adjust to new situations or cope with tough experiences, we would never develop the emotional resources to manage difficulty. People who cannot cope with any form of stress end up being emotionally immature and having life and relationship difficulties. Paradoxically, the less we can cope with stress, the more stressed out we will become.

But let’s reiterate, this doesn’t mean that stress is always a good thing. In fact, chronic stress is linked to increased risk of disease and death, and it can cause physical and emotional problems, or lead to unhealthy and destructive coping mechanisms such as chronic procrastination, overeating, or substance abuse.

Causes of Stress

That’s why it’s so important to identify the causes of your stress, do what you can to reduce it, and develop healthy coping mechanisms to manage your response to circumstances you can’t change.

According to WebMD, the biggest causes of stress are:

  • Work and the various difficulties inherent in a person’s job.
  • Life events such as moving, divorce, or trauma. These can be positive (marriage, the birth of a child, etc.) or negative (difficult situations, trauma, tragedy, etc.).
  • Internal feelings of fear, unrealistic expectations, or negative attitudes.

Types of Stress

Psychology Today explains that there are three types of stress:

  • Acute: An argument, a missed deadline, a car accident.
  • Episodic Stress: Regular small crises that cause accumulating tension.
  • Chronic: Serious life problems that may be fundamentally beyond our control: poverty, war, or racism. The demands are unrelenting and you don’t know when they will stop.

The Effects of Stress

Everyone has their own natural level of response to stress, but all of us have a built-in physical stress response. In the short-term, when we feel unsafe, our bodies produce “fight-or-flight” hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. These hormones prepare us to flee or overcome an attacker.

But, if we are exposed to these hormones consistently for long periods of time, we will start to notice negative health effects and signs of stress, such as digestive problems, sleep problems, headaches, flare-ups in chronic conditions, etc. Mental health issues are also common with long-term stress, including depression and anxiety.

Although you can develop positive coping mechanisms in the short term or for acute stress, chronic stress is very detrimental to health. According to Medical News Today, symptoms of chronic stress include:

  • Irritability
  • Frequent illness
  • Appetite changes
  • Sleep difficulties
  • Headaches
  • Fatigue

These are some of the conditions that may be a result of chronic stress:

  • Autoimmune diseases
  • PTSD
  • Heart disease
  • Anxiety disorders
  • A weakened immune system

Clearly, chronic stress can be a dangerous condition. Sometimes, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, especially if you use unhealthy coping mechanisms to respond to stress. These negative patterns can cause more stress.

This means you lack the ability to move on from difficulty, change what you can in your circumstances, and respond in the best way possible that doesn’t cause you more problems on top of the original stressor.

Ways to Relieve Stress

Some causes of stress are outside of your control:

  • Maybe you or a loved one has a disease or chronic condition that you have to manage, and there’s no cure, or treatment stretches out for years.
  • Maybe you are in a toxic marriage or household, and you don’t have the means to leave.
  • Maybe you are in a destructive situation at work, but you have to keep working because you are the sole source of income for your family and other jobs are scarce.

In these situations, your feelings of being trapped and helpless can exacerbate your ongoing stress.

Even if you can’t eliminate the causes of your stress, there is still hope for you. There are resources that can help you live your best life even in the midst of a situation you can’t change. There are measures you can take to care for yourself in the midst of toxic or tragic situations.

Learning small coping mechanisms can be step #1 on the road to regaining a sense of agency in your life. There are some situations we can’t change, but we don’t have to let learned helplessness take over. Stress reduction can look like breathing, relaxation, walking, or art. You can proactively care for yourself by eating well, practicing gratitude, doing yoga, or exercising.

Verywell Mind includes the above strategies in the category of fast-acting stress relief. Sometimes, though, there are things about a situation that you do have the power to change. If this is the case, it might be time to shift into problem-solving mode:

  • Can you reduce your workload, get help from others, or cut back on caffeine and sugar?
  • Can you make a long-term plan and take the first step for getting out of a toxic situation?
  • How can you take a break, even if you can’t avoid the source of the stress altogether?

Christian Counseling to Reduce Stress

Seek counseling for stress if you need to. Feeling heard, understood, and supported is vital to help your mind, body, and emotions cope with a host of difficult stressors.

Christian counseling for stress management can help you process your emotions in a safe and compassionate environment, then take the next step to develop coping mechanisms and problem-solving strategies. Your counselor, such as those at Newport Beach Christian Counseling, will use proven therapeutic techniques integrated with a faith-based perspective, with the goal of drawing you closer to Christ.

Contact our office today for your risk-free initial appointment.

Resources:

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/11874-stress

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/open-gently/201812/the-three-types-stress

https://www.webmd.com/balance/guide/causes-of-stress#2

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/323324.php

Photos:

“Stressed”, Courtesy of Nik Shuliahin, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Checking Social Media”, Courtesy of Jeshoots.com, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Enjoying the Sun”, Courtesy of Radu Florin, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “…and breathe…”, Courtesy of Rabin Benzrihem, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Scriptures on Relationships: What Does the Bible Say about Friendship?

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Our lives are made up of a web of relationships – with colleagues at work, at home with parents, siblings, and children, with our neighbors, and so much more. One important type of relationship, which can take different shapes and develop around a variety of interests, is friendship. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can provide support and insights to help nurture and strengthen these vital connections.

Friendships range from the casual acquaintance or former classmate you bump into or “friend” on social media, to the kinds of friendships where you would entrust your life and the lives of your loved ones into their hands.

Some friends are the people we rely on – we cry, laugh, sing, pray, and do life with – and they can do the same with us. To find and have a good friend is something priceless.

Scriptures on Relationships

What does the Bible say about friendship, and what timeless wisdom can we glean from the Scriptures on relationships to navigate this important part of our lives?

We are built for relationships

One of the realities about us as people is that we generally gravitate toward other people and toward relationships with them. Even if we struggle to trust people or connect with them, we have something of a yearning to meaningfully relate to other people. This is understandable when you realize that human beings were built for relationships.

Do you know why you really, really enjoy your friends and their company? And why we crave connection with other people? Genesis 1:27 says that human beings were made “in the image of God.” This means there is something about us which reflects who God is.

We will get into this more a little later, but one of the things about God is that God is relational by nature. God made us to be in relationship with one another – despite being surrounded by immense beauty and a plethora of animals, God thought that human solitude was ‘not good’ (Genesis 2:18).

We need the company and connection with other human beings. That’s why one of the worst punishments which can be inflicted upon a person is to place them in solitary confinement.

While there may be many complications involved, we are fundamentally built for relationships and connection with other people. The capacity and desire for meaningful relationships is an integral part of who we are as beings made in God’s image.

Friendships are enriching

“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another,” says the ancient wisdom from the book of Proverbs (27:17). When we are friends with someone, we let them into our space, let them get to know us, and allow them to have influence in our lives.

When a friend speaks into or over your life, because they are someone you have grown to trust, you take what they say seriously. And so, our friends have a role in developing and molding our character.

If they tell us something true about ourselves, even though it might be hurtful, “wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses” (Proverbs 27:6). Deep friendships enrich us because good friends challenge us to be better versions of ourselves. In the same way that iron sharpens iron, good friends help to build us up even as we do the same for them.

The Bible also talks about friendships that are deeper than even the bonds of blood. Proverbs 18:24 speaks about “a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” One example of this in the pages of Scripture is the relationship between David and Jonathan.

These two men pledged friendship to one another, so much so that when Jonathan’s father, King Saul, was hunting down and wanting to kill David out of jealousy, Jonathan went out of his way to warn his friend to keep him safe (1 Samuel 20). Some friends will go way out on a limb for us, much more than even our own siblings or parents. Such friends are precious.

This is the positive side of friendship, but there is another angle the Bible also talks about.

Certain friendships can derail us

The dark side of friendships is that they can derail us, depending on the person. Because our friendships can shape us in profound ways, we need to be careful who we befriend and invite into our inmost spaces.

As kids, many of us had at least one friend that our parents warned us about that they didn’t want us to play with. At times these parental bans were reasonable, because that kid didn’t care about school and her influence was affecting your grades.

At other times, parents had their own hang-ups and they simply didn’t want their kids to hang with a kid from a different background, and this was often not reasonable. But when God tells us to be careful who we associate with and who we let into our friendship spaces, it is being done from a place of wisdom and love.

God knows us through and through – our strengths, weaknesses, and so much more. God also loves us deeply and desires for us to flourish. The Bible is full of verses that warn us that we can become ensnared in the bad behavior of our friends, such as being hot-tempered (Proverbs 22:24), plotting violence (Proverbs 24:1) or overindulging in alcohol and food (Proverbs 23:20-21).

Whoever we invite into our inmost spaces to become our friends, to have influence in our thinking and behavior, they will have a profound impact on the development of our character. As Paul puts it, “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character’” (1 Corinthians 15:33).

This does not mean that we are to be unloving, judgmental, hostile, or unhospitable to people who display some of these behaviors. No; Jesus was loving towards us and hung out with the “lowest of the low.” We are to always be courteous, loving, and kind, regardless the individual.

As Paul put it elsewhere, if we refused to associate with everyone who acted in this and other ungodly ways, we would have to leave the world altogether (1 Corinthians 5:10). Friendship, however, is deeper than mere association. To exercise wisdom in choosing our friends, the question is whether we are letting people into a position where they can influence and counsel us toward what is ungodly, or toward what will build up our character and theirs.

A true friend

There is one friendship we have not spoken about yet. Earlier, we touched on how as people we are hardwired for relationships, and that’s because we reflect who God is. Is it any wonder, then, that one of the friendships the Bible talks about is between God and people?

You may know of the song that goes, “What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear . . . .” This song is talking about something profound – that God desires relationship with people.

Jesus says that His disciples are His friends, and not just simply followers or servants. Do you recall that verse about a friend who sticks closer than a brother? Jesus – who is the same yesterday, today, and forever – exemplified that.

In John 15:13, Jesus said, “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” Jesus said this on the evening before He laid down His life for the sake of His friends, and the world. He demonstrated that great love for us.

What’s remarkable about all this is what another Bible writer says: “When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners” (Romans 5:6-8). It’s not for nothing that Jesus was called the “friend of sinners.”

Conclusion

As people, we are hardwired for relationship. We crave connection with other people, and despite some of the difficulties we may have in forming deep and long-lasting friendships, our hearts always yearn to find meaningful relationships. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers guidance to help foster and maintain these meaningful connections.

By applying wisdom in this area of our lives, we can pursue healthy friendships that nourish us and our friends, helping us to grow more into the people we can become as bearers of God’s image.

Photos:
“Friends”, Courtesy of Omar Lopez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Friends”, Courtesy of Trung Thanh, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Laughing with Friends”, Courtesy of Priscilla Du Preez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Friendship,” Courtesy of rawpixel, unsplash.com, CC0 License

Scripture for Anxiety Relief: Finding Hope in God’s Word

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A racing heart, gripping fear or a persistent worry cycle that keeps you up at night are just some of anxiety’s many symptoms. The Collins Dictionary defines anxiety as a feeling of nervousness or worry. Health websites explain that anxiety is your body’s natural response to stress: the approach of a predatory animal would have set off an alarm in early man’s body – a rush of adrenaline triggering a “fight-or-flight” response.

While running from large animals and imminent danger is a less pressing concern today, our anxieties now generally revolve around work, money, family life, health, and other issues that consume our thought life. Newport Beach Christian Counseling provides support to help manage these modern anxieties and find peace.

While in some instances the adrenaline rush is helpful (that nervous feeling before doing a speech can make you try harder and lead to enhanced performance), in most cases anxious thoughts are unpleasant.

Scripture for Anxiety Relief

If we look at what God has to say about anxiety in the Bible, it is something that we need to submit to Him. Here are some helpful verses from the Bible about not worrying, for anxiety, and God’s Word can help calm your fears.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. – Philippians 4:6

There are times in life when this command may feel impossible and not calming at all. God says we must stop feeling this way but how do we do that? We could easily end up feeling anxious about our anxiety, striving to be content but still feeling defeated. Reading the verse carefully, we see that the verse gives a better alternative. Instead of feeding fear, we should tell God what we think we need.

Praying to Him, with a thankful heart that acknowledges that He is a Father who cares and gives good things, is our strategy to combat anxiety. The verse that follows in Philippians 4:7, “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” is a promised result that comes after identifying our desires and handing them over to God.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. – 1 Peter 5:7

This word “cast” occurs one other time in the New Testament, in Luke 19:35, in exactly the same form. Referring to the donkey Jesus rode into Jerusalem on on Palm Sunday, the verse says, “They brought it to Jesus, and casting their garments on the colt, they set Jesus on it.”

So the meaning is simple; if you cast the garment on the donkey, you no longer carry it anymore, the animal does. God is able and willing to carry your anxieties in the same way a donkey works for you and lifts your load. He wants to be a burden bearer because it demonstrates his power, as Isaiah 64:4b says, “no eye has seen any God beside you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him.”

The reason why you are able to cast your cares on the Lord is that he cares for you, and this is where the rubber meets the road. Do you believe this promise? Then trust him. He cares about the thing that is worrying you and wants you to trust him for that.

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you – you of little faith?

So do not worry, saying, “What shall we eat?” or “What shall we drink?” or “What shall we wear?” For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. – Matthew 6:25-34

Of all the Bible verses about not worrying, this passage from Matthew is probably read most often. It speaks so directly to the physical needs that cause us concern. In John Piper’s post, “Do not be anxious about your life,” he mentions eight reasons why Jesus says his disciples should not be anxious from this passage.

The first is that we ought not to be anxious about food and clothing because they cannot provide the great things of life – the enjoyment of God, the pursuit of his gracious favour, the hope of eternity in his presence. The second is that the birds have taught us that God can be counted on to work for us tomorrow just as much as today.

Thirdly, anxiety is useless; fourthly, God delights in adorning us; the fifth reason comes down to unbelievers being anxious about worldly things so we need to set ourselves our apart in this way; the sixth is that when we are anxious it shows that we don’t think our Father in heaven knows our needs, the seventh that it is foolish to carry burdens that God has promised to carry for us, and lastly, that God has appointed to each day its portion of pleasure and trouble, so we need to believe that God will be God tomorrow.

There are many more Bible verses about anxiety that we can reflect on to help calm fears, as we meditate on God’s character and what he has done for us in Christ. Here are a few more to cling to:

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. – John 14:27

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand. – Isaiah 41:10

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy. – Psalm 94:19

I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. – Psalm 34:4

That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. – 2 Corinthians 12:10

I can do all this through him who gives me strength. – Philippians 4:13

If you struggle with anxiety, know that the Bible offers hope. The verses above, along with many others throughout the Scriptures, are good food for meditation and memorization. When anxiety strikes, bring these passages to mind and rest in the calming assurance that God is in control. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can also provide guidance and support to help you navigate your journey toward peace.

Photos:
“In the Word”, Courtesy of Christin Hume, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Catching a Feather”, Courtesy of Javardh, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Flowering Grass”, Courtesy of Kien Do, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Yellow Flowers”, Courtesy of Masaaki Komori, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

7 Bible Verses about Death: Finding Hope in God’s Word

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The Bible teaches us that ever since Adam and Eve ate from the forbidden tree, this world has been fundamentally dysfunctional. Sin and death and various kinds of pain and loss are grim realities that remind us that things are not the way they are supposed to be.

Friends, family members, or beloved pets die; jobs are lost; health and independence decline, homes are lost to fire or flood – grief is an unwelcome but inevitable part of life. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can provide the support you need during these challenging times.

Though the picture may seem dark, God has not left us without instruction and comfort. In fact, there are many Bible verses about grief that can bring comfort to the grieving Christian.

7 Bible Verses about Death and Grief

If you are going through the grieving process, meditate on the following Scriptures on grief and let God’s Word give you comfort.

Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also. – Psalm 31:9

In this verse, David is experiencing deep grief (we are not told over what) that is intense enough to have physical effects on his body. Rather than wallowing in his misery, however, David pours out his heart to God, pleading for His grace.

The first step when you are grieving is to take your grief directly to God. Though God already knows what you are going through (you are not giving Him any new information), it is His will that His children come to Him in prayer with their concerns and requests.

Much as a father might see his young child struggling to complete a task and yet wait until his child asks him for help, God often waits for us to ask Him for help before He gives it. However, unlike a human father who might become irritated or might not hear his child, God always hears His children and delights to answer their prayers.

A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed. – Proverbs 15:13

Here we see that happiness in the heart generally produces a happy countenance, but by contrast, grief in the heart can be soul-crushing. This teaches us the truth that a person’s outward behavior is profoundly affected by the state of their heart. Happy heart = happy face. Sad heart = sad face.

We see this reflected both in ourselves and in our daily interactions with others. It is often easy to tell a person’s state by the expression on their face. Proverbs are general observations, however, meaning that this is not a hard-and-fast rule. We will see a contrasting thought in the verse we look at next.

Even in laughter, the heart may ache, and the end of joy may be grief. – Proverbs 14:13

Sometimes the outward appearance can be the exact opposite of what is happening in the heart. Though a person may laugh and smile on the outside, it may be just a mask for genuine pain and grief.

Solomon (the wisest man – other than Jesus – who ever lived) implies that this ironic sort of occurrence is normal. Sometimes, in order to cope, or because a person doesn’t want to spill their guts to someone, they need to put on a mask of normalcy that hides their inner pain.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. – Psalm 147:3

Suffering from grief can be overwhelming. We can feel as if we will never recover – never move past it. The psalmist, however, teaches us that though we may be in the midst of deep and crushing grief, God has compassion on those who are brokenhearted and heals their emotional wounds.

This is not to say that God makes everything better and that the source of the grief goes away. Rather, as Saint Augustine once said, “Oh Lord . . . our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you.”

God heals broken hearts by giving Himself to His brokenhearted people. We find healing and rest for our souls when we find our comfort and satisfaction in Him.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. – Psalm 23:4

David, the “sweet psalmist of Israel” (2 Samuel 23:1) was no stranger to grief. Many of his Psalms deal with the subject in depth. In Psalm 23, possibly the most well-known of all of the Psalms, David describes the rest and peace that God provides.

Even though David is facing death (whether his own or that of someone else is not specified), he finds his comfort in God’s discipline (God’s “rod”) and guidance (God’s “staff”). In other words, God is taking care of David through daily correction, instruction, and wisdom.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. – Matthew 5:4

Next, we come to a verse about grief in the Bible that has caused a lot of confusion over the centuries. Contrary to much popular exposition, the phrase “those who mourn” in this verse refers to those who mourn over their sin. These people will be comforted because their sins will be forgiven.

This makes sense when we think about the nature of “blessedness” and mourning. “Blessedness” means a deep-seated joy, which would appear (at first glance) to be contrary to mourning. However, if one is mourning over their sin, then they can have this kind of joy, knowing that God has forgiven them.

Though this verse does not directly address grief and loss, there is a secondary sort of application to those of God’s children who mourn over traumatic events. They will be comforted both in this life and in the life to come as they come to a deeper knowledge of God and grow in likeness to Christ. Their comfort will derive from the fact that their sins are forgiven and that any grief and pain that they suffer in this life is temporary.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

The Apostle Paul wrote these words to the people of the church at Corinth who were apparently suffering from affliction of some kind. Paul tells them that God is the “Father of mercies and God of all comfort,” meaning that He is characterized by compassion and is the source of any comfort that they experience.

Next, Paul tells the Corinthian Christians that God brings comfort to them in all of their afflictions. This is a precious promise! God does not leave His children to flounder aimlessly and wallow in their grief. He ultimately brings comfort to them by giving them Himself!

However, God does not merely comfort His people so that they will merely live happier, more joyful lives. He comforts them so that they can bring the same comfort to others who are going through affliction and grief. In other words, comfort in our times of trouble is never an end in itself. It is to overflow from our hearts as we reach out to others who are suffering.

Loss can strike God’s people unexpectedly, so the time to get the proper perspective on grief is before it hits. Figuring out what one believes about God, His sovereignty, and His comfort while in the midst of grieving is dangerous. If a person’s heart is not firmly grounded on the precious promises of God, times of grief can completely destabilize and overthrow their faith.

This is not to suggest that the grieving process will be easy, however. God can and will teach His people many things as they grieve, all of which are designed to make them more and more like Christ.

If you are struggling with grief, seek out a trusted friend or your pastor for wise counsel. If these are not available, however, a Christian counselor, at Newport Beach Christian Counseling, can come alongside you and help you work through the grieving process. Don’t wait – get help today!

Photos:
“Grief”, Courtesy of Marquise Kamanke, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “A Grief Observed”, Courtesy of Yuris Alhumaydy, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Remember”, Courtesy of Matt Botsford, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Cross”, Courtesy of Maria Oswalt, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Christian Counseling for Effective Anger Management

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Anger is a powerful emotion that can cause us to behave very irrationally. When we fail to control or channel it constructively, it can also be exceedingly damaging both to us and those around us. However, not all anger manifests as emotional outbursts and violence. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help you navigate and manage your anger in a healthier, more constructive way.

Some people struggle with deep-rooted anger that is just constantly bubbling under the surface and is invisible to the naked eye. However, this is also very damaging to emotional and physical health, and will eventually lead to a massive outburst, or long-term issues, that will fail to be resolved until the underlying anger is taken care of.

So, while not all anger issues look the same from the outside, they each need dealing with effectively to ensure free living and healthy relationships and that’s where anger management therapy can come into play.

What is Anger Management Therapy All About?

Anger management therapy sessions can take place in a variety of settings. One of the most popular is to engage in therapy within a group. Indeed, it is possible to attain greater insight into your own anger when expressing your struggles in the presence of others who may be experiencing the same thing.

Simply acknowledging how you feel, and having others do the same, can be an extremely cathartic experience and may act as a springboard to dealing with your anger issues.

In addition, hearing from others who may be dealing with very similar struggles can be a great encouragement to those who feel they are alone and isolated in their difficulties. Knowing that others are battling the same issues can be incredibly energizing as you seek to address the problem and move into greater health.

Remember, you are never excluded from getting help for your anger issues. There are no “entry criteria” that you must meet in order to be accepted into a group therapy setting, for example. You also don’t need to be at a crisis point in order to seek out help.

Too often, people think that they only need anger management therapy if they are having regular outbursts of rage and are “out of control.” Of course, there may be people who need urgent intervention, but those who are struggling with consistently angry thoughts must also feel confident to reach out for help.

That being said, issues of anger may be varied in nature dependent upon age, situation and life stage. For example, a couple entering anger management therapy may find themselves dealing with unhealthy responses and reactions to each other which are making marriage increasingly unsustainable. However, a child with anger issues may be using the anger to mask an underlying issue, or because they are unable to adequately express their feelings or emotions.

When Should I Seek Anger Management Therapy?

Perhaps you can see that your anger is affecting those closest to you, or that your underlying issues are causing you to burst out in irrational behavior on a regular basis these could be clear indicators that it would be wise to seek out help in this area. If you feel as if your anger is growing uncontrollably, it could certainly be time to reach out to a counselling service for assistance.

Often times, there are underpinned emotions related to anger, such as sadness, frustration, and deep-rooted pain. Expressing anger is a common way of pasting over these feelings. However, true freedom will only be found when the root cause is identified and thoroughly dealt with through the appropriate form of therapy.

It can be difficult to recognize the anger issues that might be plaguing your life and relationships. If you have experienced anger for a number of years, it may be almost impossible to identify the behaviors without expert help.

While you might be blind to it, others may see the evidence of the unresolved issues in your life that are causing unrelenting anger to develop. It is worth listening to those closest to you with regards to your behavior, though this can sometimes be difficult to hear!

Often times, people deal with anger in unhealthy ways, even attempting to numb their feelings with certain addictive behaviors. This can also become very detrimental to the person and their close relationships all the more reason to deal with the root issues.

As Christians, we also believe that anger is something that can be wildly corrosive to the spiritual life of an individual. Indeed, the unhealthy habit of harboring anger against others is also addressed in the Scriptures.

Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry. – Ephesians 4:26

The Bible also instructs us to be “slow to anger,” which can be incredibly difficult to achieve if we are harboring deep-seated issues that are evoking an angry response within us. It’s like a bottle of soda being shaken up and down eventually, the top is going to blow off!

As Christians, we should have our anger in check at all times. Of course, there are things in this world which may cause you to feel “righteous anger” of some kind, but this is not the most common type of rage that people struggle with.

God wants us to be peace-filled human beings who are slow to get angry with others, and therapy may be a good avenue through which to access this greater freedom.

Anger Management for Kids

Children who are experiencing serious anger issues are often suffering from underlying mental health problems. A few examples of these may be conduct disorder, disruptive mood regulation disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, and adjustment disorder.

As such, anger management therapy may be very beneficial to them as they figure out the root of the problems they are having with their emotional health. Often times, anger issues in children will lead them to act out in certain ways through starting fights, being disobedient, fighting against authority or even damaging property.

It is often a good idea for children to start therapy in a family setting so that siblings or parents are given the opportunity to gain some basic insight into the person’s behavior, what is behind it and how to react to it. It is also important for families to address this issue before the behavior gets out of control and becomes damaging for the person and those around them.

Of course, kids who have been diagnosed with specific anger issues may benefit greatly from therapy that seeks to address how to deal with and understand the behavior. However, other children, such as those who have experienced trauma or neglect, may find themselves in the midst of complex anger about their life experiences and may feel as if they are without any way of processing their thoughts and emotions.

Anger management therapy can be a highly effective treatment and can function well as a preventative measure to deal with anger-induced behavior before it spirals out of control.

What are Some Key Anger Management Techniques?

Certain anger management techniques may be utilized before the person begins to exhibit the damaging behaviors, and some may be drawn upon once the anger has begun to manifest itself. However, all forms of anger management are geared towards helping people understand their feelings and change their reactions.

One way of tackling anger is to really get to the root of what is triggering such a visceral emotional response. Some triggers may be more avoidable than you think, and may simply require a bit of extra forethought.

For example, if you find yourself getting uncontrollably angry at other road users when you are stuck in traffic and late for work, you might consider leaving thirty minutes earlier. This way, the stress trigger of being late for work is eradicated, and you are therefore less likely to get angry at fellow motorists and thus less likely to cause an accident.

If your anger is constantly directed towards those close to you, it might be worth looking at the state of your interpersonal communication.

Anger between individuals is often caused by misunderstanding and an inability to communicate with clarity. As such, it can be incredibly beneficial to define the lines of communication and ensure that you are addressing the person in a clear and concise manner.

Sometimes, it is simply a matter of taking a few moments to ask a couple of simple questions such as, “I am not sure I quite understood what you said, could you say that again?” or “I think I heard you, but I am not sure what you mean by that. Could you explain it a bit further for me?”

Often, if these conversations are done correctly and in a calm manner, any building anger will dissipate and you will save yourself a huge amount of stress!

Sometimes, however, situations in our lives which are out of our control may cause a spike in unavoidable anger. At these times, it is important to have an emotional toolbox to draw upon in response. It is about figuring out what works for you: listening to your favorite music, playing some sport, going for a walk or talking with a friend.

Some of these things may work for certain individuals and not for others. The goal is to find the things that work for you and help melt away the anger!

Anger is a very normal human emotion. However, if left untamed, it can become incredibly destructive and damaging both to yourself and the people around you. As such, anger management techniques, administered by a trained therapist, can offer help that could be absolutely life-changing.

So, if you are struggling with a perpetual sense of anger and frustration that is affecting your life in a significant way, make sure to book an appointment with a therapist who specializes in anger management at Newport Beach Christian Counseling, and begin your journey into a new sense of freedom and joy!

Photos:
“Campfire”, Courtesy of Volha Krayeva, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Catch me”, Courtesy of Noah Buscher, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Angry Enough to Kill”, Courtesy of WenPHotos, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Overlook”, Courtesy of Mc7000, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

Got Anger Issues? Find Hope in these Bible Verses about Anger

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It’s not uncommon to get angry from time to time, but when anger leads to self-harm, sin, or the harm of others, it’s a problem. Newport Beach Christian Counseling is here to help you address these emotions in a healthy, constructive way, guiding you toward healing and peace.

In the Bible, we see God experience and express anger. Anger directed in the right place can often be very helpful. We should be angered by the corruption, violence, sin, and abuse that goes on in the world. It’s a basic emotion, but it’s an emotion that can harm our brains and bodies in addition to harming other people and we’re told to get rid of it.

So, how do you know if your anger is a problem or causing harm?

Answer a few of these questions:

  • Has your anger caused you to sin?
  • Has your anger interfered with a relationship?
  • Is your anger keeping you from experiencing peace? From sleeping? From forgiving someone?
  • Is your anger interfering with your work or your ability to focus on a project?
  • Do you yell, lash out, or get violent when you get angry?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, we want to give you some Scriptures on anger to help you overcome it God’s way.

You CAN experience freedom from your anger issues.

You may feel like your anger is a knee-jerk reaction and you cannot control it, but in the following Scriptures, you’ll find truth and encouragement to help you manage your anger and maintain self-control.

10 Bible Verses About Anger Issues

Let’s look at anger in the Bible. We’ve scoured Scripture and identified the Bible verses we believe are great sources of support for overcoming anger issues.

But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. – Colossians 3:8

We mentioned that, as Christians, we’re called to rid ourselves of anger. So while it can be natural to experience “righteous” anger, the Bible instructs us to get rid of it. You might think to yourself: My anger doesn’t hurt anyone; what’s the big deal.

Even if you think your anger is not hurting anyone, it is proven that it hurts your body and brain. Regardless of that, however, God commands us to get rid of it. Now that we’ve laid the foundation and know that anger should not be an emotion we hold on to, let’s look at some more Scripture.

For man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. – James 1:20

This Scripture is a reminder that anger does not draw towards a righteous life or help anyone be made more like Christ. If you hold on to anger, it’s important to remind yourself that anger is not achieving for you that which God desires and it’s not serving your life. In our feelings of righteousness, we often hold on to anger, but this verse clearly states that anger actually makes us less righteous.

In your anger do not sin: do not let the sun go down while you are still angry and do not give the devil a foothold. – Ephesians 4:26-27

This verse affirms that anger itself is not a sin, but that it can be destructive and lead to sin. It also confirms that prolonged anger is not good and dwelling on anger which often leads to days of “the cold shoulder,” bitterness, and unforgiveness is not God’s design. We’re not to end a day or go to sleep still holding on to anger.

Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools. – Ecclesiastes 7:9

Anger in the Bible is depicted as residing in the laps of fools. Those who are easily provoked and quick to anger are prone to make foolish ways.

Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city. – Proverbs 16:32

This Scripture esteems patience and self-control two fruits of the Spirit that a person prone to anger often does not exercise.

Do not make friends with a hot tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered. – Proverbs 22:24

Through the Scriptures above, it’s very clear that God calls us to be slow to anger and not to associate with those easily angered. It’s also clear that He does not want us to hold onto our anger for prolonged periods of time in His instruction not to let the sun go down on our anger. We’re to release it within the same day we experience it.

Bible Verses about Overcoming Anger

Now, let’s look at some Scripture that gives insight into just how to release anger. It’s one thing to know what the Bible says about anger, it’s another to have actionable steps from the Bible about how to overcome it.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. – Colossians 3:12-13

To “put on” is to practice or exercise. To combat anger, practice the opposite of it. Begin practicing compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Begin forgiving to a greater measure.

But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self control. Against such things, there is no law. – Galatians 5:22-23

The fruit of the spirit are not duties or merely virtues to possess. They stem from fellowship and communion with God. Spend time in prayer, worship, and Bible reading and watch as your anger is replaced with patience, gentleness, and self-control.

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. – Ephesians 2:22-24

To overcome anger, it’s important to remember that you are made new in Christ. You must actively change your attitude by dwelling not on your anger or replaying an offence over and over, but by dwelling on the fact that your old self is a thing of the past and God has laid out for you a way to behave and respond in true righteousness and holiness just like Him.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. – 2 Corinthians 10:5

Take captive every angry thought and stop fueling anger by demolishing any justifications or “proof” you have as to why you have a right to feel the way you do.

To recap, what does the Bible say about anger issues?

  • You should not hold onto anger for longer than a day
  • It resides in the lap of fools
  • Do not associate with those easily angered
  • Don’t let your anger cause you to sin
  • Anger does not lead to a righteous life
  • A patient person is better than a warrior and a person with self-control is better than a person who can garner control over an entire city

When you understand that anger does not serve you and is unhealthy to your body, mind, spirit, and relationships, the first step to overcoming it is to spend more time in communion with God through prayer, worship, and Bible reading.

It’s through that time that the fruit of the Spirit will become evident in your life, so that rather than anger, you’ll start to respond with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control.

Christian Counseling for Anger Issues

If you find yourself easily angered and falling into destructive patterns in your life and relationships because of it, save this link and return to it again and again when you need God’s support.

A Christian Counselor can also be a great support in helping you understand your anger issues and find the right strategies so you can actively choose to operate from a different place. Contact Newport Beach Christian Counseling to learn more about our Christian Counseling for anger management.

Featured photo:
“Storm,” courtesy of Casey Horner, unsplash.com, CC0 License

What Does the Bible Say about Depression?

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The word depression gets used quite a bit in society. You might hear things like, “You look depressed” or “You are depressing me.” Depression is discussed pretty casually despite being a serious mental health condition that, according to the Depression and Bipolar Health Alliance, affects 7.1% of the population, which is over 17 million Americans.

Unfortunately, despite the severe impact the condition is having on our society, many refuse to acknowledge it as a real issue. Instead, people encourage each other to “feel better” or “stop being so blue,” as if depression was a choice. Newport Beach Christian Counseling understands the complexity of depression and is here to offer the support and guidance needed for healing.

The same attitude is also often true in the church. Many Christians assume that it is sinful to feel depressed and are striving to experience the joy of the Lord. This mindset is only perpetuated by fellow churchgoers and church leaders who don’t have space to hear and be with people who feel the weight of depression.

Instead of sitting with them in their pain, many choose to quote some Christian truism to their pain, saying something like “maybe this pain is a blessing in disguise” or “you have to let go and let God.” While ultimately these statements may be theologically accurate, they do little, if any, good for those experiencing depression.

Is there any discussion of depression in the Bible? Yes, there are a whole host of verses speaking to the issues of sadness, heartbreak, sorrow, and despair, which are all symptoms and feelings caused or associated with depression. Let’s take a look at several key passages on this topic that will give us a taste of what the Bible has to say about depression.

What Does the Bible Say About Depression?

In the Depths of Despair, He Cares

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish? My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest. – Psalm 22:1-2

This is one of the most famous cries in all of Scripture. It appears both here in the Psalms and is quoted later by Jesus on the cross. The cry encapsulates the experience of facing the limits of despair, as clearly displayed on the cross. In the Psalms, the psalmist expresses his pain by articulating his inability to find peace by day or by night.

What is important to notice about this Psalm is the raw vulnerability with God. In the midst of his anguish and despair (i.e. depression), he cries out to God. He doesn’t run from God or try to act like everything is alright. Instead, he cries, wails, and beats his chest as a sign to God that everything is not okay.

And God isn’t angry at him, rather God, in His perfect love, wants to meet him in His darkest places of despair. Some may see this as an affront to God, but it is actually an invitation for God to meet with the psalmist in the valley of the shadow of death where God can and will comfort him. We are able to issue God this same invitation.

The Lord Restores

I waited patiently for the LORD; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in him. – Psalm 40:1-3

Here is another Psalm of deep authenticity and vulnerability. In this Psalm, the psalmist again verbalizes that in the midst of his troubles, he came to the Lord. He didn’t hide or act like he was okay. Instead, he was present, raw, and real with God in the midst of his depression, acknowledging his feelings and need for God.

As a result, we see God lift him from the depths of depression. It’s important to not jump too quickly to the resolution of the Psalms. If we do, we miss out on the real heartbreak and despair that the psalmist is feeling. And it is also important to recognize that everyone’s timeline will be different.

All we get to see is the recounting of the Psalm, we don’t know how long he waited before he was lifted up. The wait might have been a long time, so don’t be discouraged if your depression has been around for a while, in time it will be relieved.

The Father of Compassion

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

While the two Psalms above focus on our human experience of depression, this passage highlights the truth of God and His love for us. He is the Father of compassion, and He comforts all those in trouble.

This is a promise to everyone going through difficulties, such as depression. He doesn’t promise that we won’t go through difficulties, but He promises to be with us and comfort us along the way. This passage also explains that our suffering is not useless because, in its proper time, it will be used for the good and benefit of His kingdom when we can comfort others.

Lay Your Burdens Down

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. – Matthew 11:28-30

Depression is a weight. It can feel so heavy at times you don’t know how to function. You might find yourself lying in bed with absolutely no motivation to get up, anchored down by your depression. Or maybe you can get up, but you find yourself sitting at work with an absent mind unable to do what you need to do.

This is the unseen weight and burden of depression. The promise in this passage is profound. Jesus wants your weight. He wants your depression. He wants to unburden you, so you can live freely. This is no small thing, and it may not come with a quick fix, but at the end of the day, this is Jesus’ heart and longing for you to live in freedom from your burdens.

In Him, There is Victory

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. – Isaiah 41:10

Finally, this passage is a tremendous boost in confidence. This is a very triumphant Bible verse for depression. If you feel like you just can’t make it and your depression is overwhelming you, take heart. God is for you. He is your God.

Throughout the Old Testament, God acts as the mighty warrior for Israel, going to battle on their behalf. God is fighting for you too. When you feel unable to stand, God is there to stand for you. This might mean giving you the strength get back up or have that hard conversation, or maybe it means God will intervene and change the circumstances.

Either way, the point is God is with you and for you. Take comfort in this on the darkest days, remembering you have a warrior fighting for your cause.

Conclusion

God loves us deeply and His heart breaks as we experience the heavy weight of depression. There are many Bible verses for depression. In the midst of the pain and apathy, we must remember God cares and that this is an opportunity for Him to meet us in our weakness.

Don’t hide your depression from God, come to Him with your feelings of despair, asking for Him to lift your burdens. Hopefully, this list of Bible verses for depression will help you remember that He deeply loves you and can handle your sorrow. If you need further support, Newport Beach Christian Counseling is here to guide you through this challenging journey with faith-based care.

Eight Truths About Therapy You Might Not Know

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Many people claim that they are “aware” about the use of therapy for mental illnesses. In fact, on both the big and small screens, characters are often shown visiting a therapist to assist them with their mental or emotional issues.

Unfortunately, this “awareness” of theirs leads to the conclusion that only those in dire straits, those with no one else to talk to, or only those with the means can avail of such help. Sadly, this prevents many people from availing of needed help until it is too late, which should NOT be the case. Newport Beach Christian Counseling believes that everyone deserves access to support, and we are here to help whenever you need it.

There is still much to clarify about therapy in this modern age.

Some Important Clarifications about Therapy

1. Therapy IS meant for all.

Aside from worries about the cost, there really is a stigma attached to the idea of therapy. People just don’t want themselves, or their loved ones, to be labelled as “crazy,” particularly in this age of social media where news can spread instantly.

Although self-respect is important, too much pride – either for oneself or for one’s family – becomes a big hindrance. Without professional help, a person suffering from mental or emotional issues has a slimmer chance of getting better and a higher chance of life becoming more difficult.

Mental and emotional problems interfere with many aspects of life, lowering the possibility of success at school, work, or at home. So the earlier a person is properly treated, the better for everyone involved.

2. Therapists are NOT there to judge their clients. They just educate impartially.

The idea of sharing one’s deepest fears and secrets can be very frightening. This is why many choose to stay quiet about such, even if a close loved one is asking.

Therapy, however, is meant to be a venue where a person CAN share these inner thoughts, fears, and desires without being judged, ridiculed, or exposed. Professional therapists know this and approach each situation with an open mind, giving unbiased advice on what to do. As they are not personally involved, it is sometimes even easier for them to notice things that family members and friends cannot see; or share the advice that loved ones with vested interests do not want to say.

When many people are involved, group therapy can become a way for all parties to share their side with an unbiased therapist managing the conversation so that negative emotions are handled well. In such a neutral environment, rocky relationships have a better chance of mending, giving hope to all concerned.

3. Therapy takes time.

Unfortunately, many try therapy thinking it will be a quick fix. But after a few sessions, they decide to opt out because it is seemingly taking too much time.

Just like many other medical conditions or emotional setbacks, therapy requires time for things to sort themselves out. Years of abuse, anger issues, low self-esteem, or addictions cannot be overcome in a week’s or even a month’s time. Sufficient time is needed for the therapist to help sort through the underlying issues, and time is necessary for the person’s heart and mind to finally accept what has happened and move forward in life.

4. Full participation is necessary.

Every person’s circumstance is different, which means the therapist has to consider what approach will work best. This is why there may be different suggestions or assignments for the person to try. If they do not work out, then something else may be suggested in the next session.

Things, however, become difficult when the client does not fully participate. Because of doubts, busyness, or pride, some clients do not accomplish their assignments, making it hard for the therapist to do their job. Full participation is a must for therapy to work well.

5. The client is in control.

Most people are not happy about always being told what to do, especially when one has invested much time and money into something. This is another reason why some shun the idea of therapy as they believe that in therapy they will simply follow someone else’s regimen, not theirs. Such thinking, however, is far from the truth.

While there are protocols that therapists follow, each therapist knows that healing cannot occur if the client is not comfortable with the process. So while there will be suggestions to follow and assignments to do, everything begins with what the person needs as communicated in the sessions. Therapists understand this and are willing to adjust according to what works best for each client.

6. Sometimes the situation may get worse before it gets better.

Since mental issues are very complex, it is often necessary to revisit painful experiences or discuss shameful thoughts or desires. Doing so, however, usually elicits negative emotions which can make the counseling process more difficult to bear. In fact, many clients feel like quitting as they wrongly believe the therapist is adding to their mental burden rather than alleviating it.

But as stated earlier, therapy takes time and requires full participation. And if there are many layers of pain that have caused the present situation, each layer needs to be addressed lest they return to haunt the client in the future. Hence, each client needs to stay the course, knowing that sometimes things have to get worse before changes can begin.

7. Therapists CAN understand what the client is going through.

Some people are hesitant to continue therapy, or even start it, because they believe that their situation is much too difficult for someone else to handle, regardless of their expertise. They think what they are going through is “too crazy” for anyone else to understand, so they opt to deal with it on their own.

Professional therapists, however, have already learned, seen, and experienced much in their training and practice. While each person’s situation is truly unique, there are still many similar emotions and desires that each client feels. So therapists CAN understand what the client is feeling, no matter how grave their circumstances. This is why they are able to help those who seek their assistance.

8. Therapy requires the right therapist.

Unlike other physical ailments, there is no single solution to each mental health problem. Every client’s background and personality have to be taken into consideration before the right steps can be made. This is why it is important that both the client and therapist are able to work well with one another.

While it may seem strange that a trained professional cannot help their client, such an occurrence happens regularly in many fields that require close communication like teaching, coaching, and even wedding planning. Sometimes particular personalities and styles fit; while other times they clash, preventing positive gains. Thus, it pays to put some effort into the search.

One good way is to ask friends for referrals as they may have had firsthand experience. It also pays to search online as many counseling websites post the expertise of their therapists. But in many instances, the “right fit” won’t be gauged until client and therapist have sat down and begun their discussions. Fortunately, therapists are aware of the need for a “good fit” so they are not hurt when a client opts to continue elsewhere.

Christian Counseling as a Better Option

Mental and emotional issues take a heavy toll on both the mind and body. But one other aspect they also hurt is the spirit. This is why even though the person may seem to be on the road to recovery, there may be inner spiritual turmoil that causes them to regress later on. So though secular therapy can be helpful to an extent, it is always better to seek Christian counseling.

Similar to secular therapy, in Christian counseling the latest therapeutic techniques will also be used to discuss and resolve the client’s mental and emotional issues. But most importantly, the faith-based counselor will introduce the client to the love and mercy of God through a relationship with Jesus Christ. With prayer and meditation on God’s Word, the client’s spiritual needs will be addressed leading to a more complete recovery.

If you or a friend is suffering from a mental or emotional issue, do not hesitate anymore to seek professional help from a Christian Counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling. Complete healing can only begin with the right assistance.

Photos:
“Comfort Therapy”, Courtesy of Mindy Jacobs Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Group Therapy”, Courtesy of Rudamese, Pixabay.com; CC0 License; “Therapy”, Courtesy of Rawpixel.com, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Screen time,” courtesy of Neonbrand, unsplash.com, CC0 License