Recognizing codependency and narcissism in your friendships may not seem relatable, but it’s worth reflecting on as you interact with friends of varying degrees. You will have a variety of friendships in your lifetime: co-workers, book club friends, workout buddies, lifelong friends, and casual friends who share a specific season of life. Knowing whether or not your friend is codependent and how that impacts narcissistic tendencies can help you and them.

What is narcissism?

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition, says that narcissism can be adjacent to a mental health disorder known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). However, narcissistic tendencies don’t necessarily qualify a person as having NPD.

Unfortunately, both terms (narcissism and codependency) have undergone a platform mutation in recent years to their detriment because of social media, public overuse, and misunderstanding. Narcissism itself isn’t evil or all bad. It often stems from poor self-esteem and exemplifies someone who is hurting.

While NPD shows a pervasive pattern of at least five out of nine diagnostic traits and usually starts becoming more consistent in young adulthood, having some narcissistic traits does not necessarily mean you or a friend has NPD. If a person has true NPD, they meet at least five of the following nine criteria in all areas of their life, not just in one or two areas or environments.

1. They think of themselves as more important than others.
2. They imagine they’re deserving of or will automatically inherit certain rewards or achievements, even if there isn’t evidence to indicate such.
3. They believe they are special or operate on a “different playing field” of sorts. More than seeing themselves as self-important (as in No. 1), this tendency is to see others through a lens of haughtiness.
4. They need a high degree of validation from others. Think of the leader of the “mean girl” pack. She surrounds herself with “yes” girls who laud her because she needs the admiration.
5. They have an unrealistic expectation about what others owe them or should give them. Another way to state this is a sense of entitlement.
6. They have a tendency toward – and establish a pattern of this behavior – exploiting others for their own gain and/or manipulating others to get what they want or to get out of doing something they don’t want to do.
7. They’re unwilling to listen to or try to empathize with someone else’s perspective or emotional needs.
8. Envy is frequent, and it can be their envy of others or their misconception that others are envious of them.
9. They struggle with arrogance in multiple arenas of life.

What is codependency?

Unlike narcissism, codependency is not a disorder recognized by the DSM-5. It’s a behavioral pattern that was first used in the 1970s, made more universal in the 1980s when a book, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie was used to help those struggling with substance use disorder (SUD). Typically, a person with codependent behavioral patterns will often mask the consequences of another person’s behavior.

The person doing the masking may believe they’re protecting their loved one from negative consequences or hardship. What often happens, however, is an unhealthy attachment that requires a level of maintenance that can’t be sustained over time. It can create fractured relationships due to unclear boundaries.

Similar to narcissism, the term codependent has developed a negative reputation when, in fact, it’s simply a pattern of relating that can be unlearned when a person forms healthy attachments. Some markers of codependency include the following:

• Refusing to do things or go places unless the other person also wants to do them or go with you.
• Excusing a friend’s poor behavior (repeatedly) when it’s been hurtful to you.
• Feeling guilty when you take time out for yourself instead of serving your friend’s or loved one’s needs.
• Apologizing without working toward reconciliation, even if the fault isn’t yours, just to avoid conflict.
• Doing more than your share when your friend could also contribute. An example might be agreeing to go on a trip together, but you do all the planning, pay for the trip, and drive, while your friend simply adds a few recommendations.
• Feeling alone or like your friend doesn’t ask curious questions about your life often, yet you don’t mention it for fear of losing your friendship or not pleasing her.

How Codependency and Narcissism Arise from Similar Struggles

On the surface, it appears that codependent people struggle with low self-esteem and, therefore, may not assert themselves or their own opinions. This is not an accurate portrayal of a codependent-tending person. Just as a narcissistic person does not always think of themselves as better than others or isn’t always toxic and full of drama. However, the two can share similar roots.

When a person is codependent, they tend to learn those patterns of behavior from a parent or caregiver who did not give them the attention they needed as a child, or they were incapable of functioning as a healthy emotional adult. Either way, the person learned to cope by letting personal boundaries go by the wayside.

One example of this is when a person grows up and makes a friend at work. He had an alcoholic mother who often asked him to hide her receipts for wine from his dad so he wouldn’t know how much she was drinking.

As a young teen, he thought he was creating a more peaceful home life by saving the relational tension between his mom and dad. In reality, it was edging him toward an inability to develop healthy boundaries, recognizing it was not his job to save his mom from the consequences of her destructive behavior.

Then, in the friendship this adult man has with a co-worker, he isn’t able to see that the co-worker is taking advantage of their friendship by asking him to take the fall whenever he fails to prepare for a work presentation or wants to get by with leaving the office early. He asks his friend to cover for him by saying he had a doctor’s appointment, and this sets up a continual pattern of learned behavior and lack of boundaries.

Narcissistic personality tendencies can also be rooted in a struggle with boundaries. If as a young teen, someone struggles to see their worth and value, it’s usually referred to as low self-esteem. Rather than recognizing this and looking for healthy ways to develop confidence, a teenager may make fun of others to make herself feel better.

This kind of behavior – unchecked – can lead to dangerous adult relationships. She may use a grandiose view of herself to mask her low self-value and expect others to see her self-importance in the same light.

What to Do If You Recognize Codependency and Narcissism in Yourself or a Friend

One of the downsides of the public using terms that are clinical in nature – such as toxic, narcissistic, or codependent – is that they can take on inaccurate meanings. A good way to respond if you think you or your friend exhibits some traits of codependency or narcissism is to be curious, gentle, and compassionate.

While it doesn’t mean you have to let your friend override your personal boundaries, you can ask compassionate questions if she says something like, “I can’t go through the line without you. I’m too scared.”

An appropriate, boundary-setting response might be, “I’m enjoying my lunch while it’s hot, so I am going to stay here. But I wonder why it’s hard for you to go alone. Is there someone at the head of the line who makes you nervous?” This lets her know you care, but also holds a firm boundary about wanting to eat your lunch while it’s hot.

Other appropriate responses include recognizing when these qualities are present in yourself and avoiding self-blame or negative self-thoughts. Instead, you can reflect on an appropriate next step.

It might be looking for a counselor who can help you examine where your learned behaviors come from and what kind of solutions are available to help you overcome them. To find a compassionate, trauma-informed counselor, our offices are ready to help with your inquiries when you are comfortable reaching out.

There’s a biblical proverb that says, “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24, NIV). Not all friendships are created equal; some friends are unreliable, while others share a bond stronger than even familial relationships. Your friendships could ruin you, but they can also be a necessary support for a rich and fulfilling life.

The result of all this is that friendships are great, but you need to exercise caution. There are some relationship dynamics, such as codependency, that you need to keep an eye on. These unhealthy dynamics not only affect your well-being, but they can also lead to poor choices that affect the course of your life. ‘Ruin’ may seem like a strong word, but unwise relationships can cause enormous amounts of damage.

What’s at the core of codependency?

The term ‘codependency’ is one that’s gained currency in the last decade or so. It describes a variety of unhealthy relationship behaviors that can be caused in several ways. However, at the heart of codependency is an underdeveloped or poor sense of self. If a person doesn’t develop a clear sense of who they are, their values, and their boundaries, they are more prone to developing codependent patterns of behavior in relationships with others.

Codependency and codependent behaviors involve a complicated mix of psychological, emotional, and relational dynamics that are at work in day-to-day interactions. Some of these include the desire to seek validation and approval externally from other people. Other dynamics include over-identifying and being enmeshed with others to the point where it’s hard to tell where they end, and you begin.

Codependency also includes a fear of rejection or abandonment, an inability to self-regulate one’s own emotions, poor emotional resilience, difficulty setting and maintaining good boundaries with others, and having low self-worth and self-esteem. In codependent relationships, there is a power imbalance and control issues, along with dysfunctional communication patterns like passive-aggressive behavior and criticism.

A codependent relationship is thus an unhealthy relationship. It doesn’t lend itself to one or both members flourishing. Often, the codependent dynamic serves to deepen unhealthy patterns of behavior that don’t shore up a healthy sense of self, nor does it promote a healthy self-sufficiency.

Some Underlying Causes of Codependency

There isn’t a single and straightforward path toward codependency. A person develops a poor sense of self and has difficulty maintaining healthy boundaries with others for a variety of reasons. The process of developing a healthy sense of self was often disrupted by experiences such as childhood trauma or experiences such as abandonment, or neglect. These can be in the form of a parent dying, parental divorce, or being literally abandoned.

Experiencing unhealthy family dynamics like parental substance abuse disorder or neglectful or inattentive parents can also lead to codependent behavior. In some cases, the child takes on the role of the parent to take care of themselves and their siblings in the place of the dysfunctional parent. The child learns to place themselves and their needs and wants after others.

Codependency can also develop as a result of an insecure attachment style. An attachment style is how you form and maintain relationships with others. An insecure attachment style may include a fear of abandonment. It leads to seeking reassurance of a loved one’s affections and also going above and beyond what’s healthy to keep a partner happy.

Depending on your situation, societal or cultural expectations can also play a role in nurturing codependency. If, for instance, there’s more of an emphasis on the collective – society, your local community, or the family – over the individual, that may lead to codependent behaviors. While it’s important to look out for others and love them well, it can be detrimental to do so without regard to personal well-being.

In addition to the above, personal values and beliefs can also lean into codependent dynamics. For instance, personal or religious beliefs could lead to an emphasis on self-sacrifice. If a person is a people pleaser who is unwilling or unable to say “no,” that too could lead to a situation of codependency.

Lastly, substance abuse or addiction, and dealing with mental health conditions such as anxiety or depression, may also lead to codependency, though via different routes. You may become overly reliant on others for day-to-day functioning due to these conditions. If you’re not intentional, those patterns may persist even after recovery. We all need help at one point or another, but it’s possible to lean into that pattern of need more than is necessary.

A person may thus form codependent patterns of relating to others when they’re young, but these patterns can also develop and set in later in life as well.

Signs of Codependency in Friendships

Being friends with someone means that you will help each other in a bind. Friends help each other, support one another in times of crisis, challenge unhealthy behaviors in each other, enjoy common interests together, and help one another become what the Lord intends for them to be. However, there are helpful and there are unhelpful and unhealthy ways to be present in someone’s life.

Some patterns of codependent behavior to look out for include:

• It is difficult for you to say “no” to your friend or set limits to what you’re willing to do with and for them.
• You perform enabling or rescuing behaviors toward your friend. Consistently swooping in to help your friend out of a jam of their own making.
• In line with the inability to say “no,” you exhibit people-pleasing behavior and over-accommodate your friend.
• Because of the inability to say “no,” you may lack the practice of self-care or prioritizing personal goals.
• You feel overly responsible for your friend’s emotions or actions.
• You feel emotionally or physically drained after interactions or time spent with your friend.
• A fear of abandonment can result in the codependent tendency to tolerate abusive or toxic behavior from your friend, such as constant criticism, humiliation, being insulted, or being manipulated.
• You have a fear of conflict or confrontation. This might look like faking agreement and not being willing to hold or express opinions or thoughts that are contrary to your friend.
• You display passive-aggressive behavior toward your friend instead of telling them what you truly think and feel. Instead of being vulnerable, you express yourself and your feelings of anger in subtle, subversive ways. You may harbor feelings of resentment and anger toward your friend.

Codependent relationships can leave you feeling emotionally and physically burned out. They can also strain other relationships because of how all-consuming they can be. Not only do such relationships increase a person’s levels of anxiety or stress, but they also can increase the risk of depression. Codependency reinforces a loss of personal identity and autonomy.

Recovering from Codependent Patterns in a Friendship

A friendship, even a good friendship, can be overcome by codependent dynamics. If a friend is in trouble and you bail them out, that’s one thing. However, if you begin to fall into that pattern of relating to each other, a codependent dynamic can develop. A healthy friendship can become codependent in several ways, or it might commence between two people with codependent tendencies and patterns of behavior. Recovery, however, is possible.

Recovering from codependency is, among other things, about becoming more aware of the fact that your pattern of behavior with your friend is an unhealthy one. With introspection and spending time to be more self-aware, you could pinpoint how your relationship dynamic is unhealthy.

Apart from self-awareness, it’s important to put practices in place that will help you recover and develop a more secure sense of self. This includes taking steps such as boundary-setting and learning to be more assertive. It also means taking time out for self-care and prioritizing yourself, rebuilding your self-worth and self-esteem, and developing healthy communication skills so that you can express your thoughts and emotions well.

You can make use of support groups where you can share your concerns and learn from others. It may be necessary to take a break from your friendship so that you both can seek help. Both of you need to be willing to change things about yourself for the dynamics to change.

You and your friend can seek professional help to build resilience and other skills. Through individual counseling, you can build a healthy friendship. If you are ready for that step today, contact our office. We can set up an appointment to get you started with one of the therapists in our practice.