Topics Covered in Christian Marriage Counseling

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Christian marriage counseling is available before and during the marriage. However, many people don’t realize that you can receive counseling before a problem arises in the relationship.

For example, a few sessions of Christian marriage counseling can prepare you to manage conflict, defuse angry situations, and open lines of communication to keep your marriage from losing ground.

Of course, it’s never too late to seek help. If you believe your marriage needs help, consider contacting a marriage counselor today.

How Christian Marriage Counseling Differs

Christian marriage counseling differs from mainstream counseling. Counseling in a Christian setting (whether in person or virtual) is based on a combination of Biblical principles and evidence-based psychology methods. Since faith is the foundation of a Believer’s life, it is the foundation of their therapy.

Christian marriage counseling acknowledges that sin and its consequences contribute to many issues in relationships. The counselor leads the couple to recognize their sin and repent, allowing them to experience the cleansing that only God’s grace and mercy can provide. This turning away from sin and striving to lead a Christ-like life means a fresh start for the marriage.

Commonly Covered Topics in Christian Marriage Counseling

Christian marriage counseling covers many topics. Whether you want to be prepared for future challenges or need help with a specific issue, Christian counseling has the solution.

Seeking help early is key. If you feel something is wrong and you’ve discussed it with your spouse, you may need assistance from an unbiased third party. Unlike a friend or family member, a counselor can teach strategies and skills that will serve you and your marriage for years to come. Counseling is also a safe space to share intimate details without judgment or ridicule.

The following is a list of common topics covered in Christian marriage counseling.

Communication Problems

Many marital problems stem from miscommunication. Often, we mimic our parents in our own relationships. If we come from a household where the adults did not discuss matters or turned to anger or silence when there was a problem, we might do the same.

Effective communication skills open the door to discussing matters and fostering understanding. Even if you cannot agree with your spouse, or a resolution is not easily found, communication skills make it possible to keep those lines open.

Anger Management

Anger clouds our vision and makes it impossible to hear what others are saying. We become convinced that our way is the only right way, or we lash out at others by slamming doors, throwing things, or verbally or physically hurting others.

Anger is not a sin. But allowing anger to become uncontrollable is a sin. How you react during a situation can bring peace or destruction. The Bible speaks of anger: “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” (Ephesians 4:26-27, NIV) Anger management skills can help you work through your anger and remain calm, allowing you to discuss problems rationally.

onflict Resolution

You can avoid escalating conflict with a few strategies. Counseling can equip you with skills in clear communication, active listening, anger management, and identifying the underlying issues that contribute to the conflict. It may be necessary to compromise or seek the help of a third party to resolve the problem.

Learning how to address the problem early, rather than allowing hurt feelings to fester, will save you heartache in the future. It may not be possible to resolve a conflict overnight, but making progress will help you both sleep better.

Financial Issues

Financial stress can overwhelm a marriage. Whether you are living beyond your means, the cost of living has increased, or you have excessive spending, it can lead to conflict. Add to that the cost of groceries and gasoline, college and daycare, and you may find that you argue more about money than any other issue.

Gambling and excessive spending also cause relationship problems in the family. A Christian counselor can help you identify the root of the problem and guide you through steps toward resolution, including budgeting, getting back on track, and paying off debt.

Sexual Problems

Sexual problems can strain the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Erectile dysfunction, low libido, vaginal dryness, Peyronie’s disease, hormonal issues, or sexual disinterest can leave both parties feeling neglected, insecure, and emotionally hurt. In some cases, this can lead to physical or emotional affairs.

Whatever the reasons, counseling can help both parties build emotional intimacy as you work on solutions for physical intimacy. Counseling takes place in a safe space, either in a quiet office at the center or virtually from the comfort of your own home. You learn to build trust and rely on each other beyond sex.

Establishing Boundaries with Extended Family

You may need to establish boundaries with extended family members. Your parents, siblings, and in-laws mean well, but their unannounced arrivals and late-night phone calls may cause more harm than good in your marriage. The same goes for family members who tend to assert themselves in arguments between you and your spouse.

It takes a firm word to set boundaries with others, but your relationship with your spouse must come first. Depending on the person, you may need to tell people to call before coming over to your house or to stay out of your arguments with your spouse. Discuss with your spouse where to draw the line. You may need to consider counseling if your spouse disagrees with boundaries and it’s causing conflict in the relationship.

Mental Disorders

Mental disorders can cause damage to the marriage as well as to other family members. The signs of a mental condition can leave lasting impressions on children or trigger a traumatic response in a spouse. Depending on the mental disorder, it can lead to neglect, abuse, or PTSD.

Help is readily available for mental health problems. The stigma once associated with mental disorders has slowly lifted, and millions of people seek help from mental health professionals. You don’t have to go through it alone, either. Most counseling centers encourage couples or family therapy to help a family member with a mental condition, as well as local or online support groups.

Addiction

Addiction in any form can tear a family apart, causing trust issues between husband and wife. Addiction can include alcohol, drugs, pornography, sex, gambling, tobacco/cigarettes, shopping, food, and internet/gaming. Any substance or action that you crave or find yourself acting on an impulse can be an addiction.

Some people cannot stop certain addictions immediately without supervised help. For example, a person with a heroin addiction will develop withdrawal symptoms after stopping the drug and will need to be closely monitored in a medical setting for any physical complications.

Other addictions, such as smoking or food/overeating, can be overcome by slowly making changes. Speak to a counselor about addiction and the best (and safest) way to manage symptoms and save your marriage.

Infidelity

Infidelity, adultery, affairs, and physical and emotional betrayal can end in divorce. The ramifications of this type of betrayal run deep. It can take years after an affair for a couple to make strides toward rebuilding their marriage. It is possible, but there are many painful obstacles to move past.

Christian counseling works with the couple to “fireproof” their marriage, to lean in closer to God, and to ask for His grace and mercy during this season. It is learning how to communicate and prioritize your spouse above all others. It’s about healing emotional wounds.

Christian Marriage Counseling in California

Looking for Christian marriage counseling in California. Contact us today to schedule an appointment with a Christian marriage counselor. Your counselor can meet with you in person or virtually at a time that fits your family’s needs. Call us today to get started.

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What You Can Expect from Christian Premarital Counseling in California

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The lead-up to a wedding is typically abuzz with excitement. A lot is going on at that time, including choosing venues, making decisions on color schemes and caterers, finalizing the budget and guest list, discussing whether to have live music or a DJ, and more.

As you and your intended make decisions about every facet of your wedding, the pressure can lead to an unintentional neglect of your relationship. One of the things a couple can do before and during this period of wedding preparations is attend Christian premarital counseling in California.

What is Christian premarital counseling for?

There are several unhelpful myths out there about premarital counseling, Christian or otherwise. Some believe that premarital counseling is the sort of thing that you do when you find your relationship riddled with problems, and you need to right the ship before you set sail, so to speak. Others believe that premarital counseling is only for religious people or if you want to get married in a church.

Christian premarital counseling isn’t a form of couples counseling reserved for floundering couples. Often, couples will seek counseling at a point in their relationship when they are at odds or facing a crisis. When couples seek counseling at this point, they may take a defensive posture against one another, making it harder to communicate their needs effectively as well as make meaningful progress toward resolving the issue.

Premarital counseling strengthens a relationship as part of the marriage preparation. Instead of waiting for the relationship to become strained before seeking help, premarital counseling helps a couple prepare for any serious issues before they arise in marriage. Premarital counseling helps a couple map out their future together.

A couple can use the wind in their sails as they head toward marriage to strengthen and deepen their relationship before they officially take that next step. Premarital counseling is thus not for religious folks only, or for couples going through a tough time. Rather, premarital counseling is a form of relational self-care, something a couple does in advance of any issues, but also during a tough season, too, if they choose.

Christian premarital counseling helps the couple talk about important issues that might become points of conflict later on. Talking about issues as diverse as money, parenting, infidelity, and roles in your future home helps you get on the same page, and premarital counseling equips you to work through these issues successfully.

How Christian Premarital Counseling Works

Christian premarital counseling sessions will vary depending on your counselor and the therapeutic technique they choose to use. However, there are some broad similarities in how premarital counseling works. To begin with, the initial sessions with your counselor will be for them to get to know you both so that they can identify your weaknesses, strengths, areas of potential conflict, as well as the ways you’re compatible.

During your sessions, you’ll share your life experiences, and your counselor will also observe your relationship dynamics. By sharing the life experiences that are significant to you both and that have shaped who you are and the expectations you carry into your relationship, you’ll gain deeper insight into your motivations and patterns in the relationship.

Premarital counseling in California also entails having conversations about important issues and questions that impact most marriages. Your counselor will lead you as you discuss topics such as how you and your partner plan to spend time together; how your finances will work; your beliefs and values (and how to handle these with respect and understanding); children and parenting, including whether you both want children, and how you’ll raise them.

Through your counseling sessions, the goal is to gain deeper insight into your future spouse, develop better communication skills, and shore up your strengths as a couple while getting on a growth trajectory in your areas of weakness.

What To Expect From Christian Premarital Counseling In California

In Christian premarital counseling in California, a counselor works with the couple or individual partners to pinpoint concerns, weaknesses, and strengths in the relationship. The partners can speak about their expectations and goals for the relationship, as well as identify steps taken to meet these goals and various challenges. As with other forms of premarital counseling, Christian premarital counseling helps couples better deal with conflict.

In addition to this, Christian premarital counseling in California will specifically offer couples a Christian understanding of marriage. Couples may understand marriage in a way that isn’t rooted in who Christ is and the ethos believers ought to live out in their marriage. Christian premarital counseling will also help couples understand how to use resources such as Scripture, prayer, and community in strengthening their marriage.

Christian premarital counseling may be challenging for several reasons. For one thing, because difficult and sensitive subjects will come up during the sessions, this may be a cause for anxiety or fear. These topics for discussion may highlight differences of opinion, and these differences may not be easily resolved. The couple may choose not to marry because of these differences, but they should discover this sooner rather than later.

Counseling provides the couple with a safe space to talk about difficult and sensitive topics, and some of these may stir painful thoughts and memories. For the couple to get the most out of it, it’s important to be truthful about their fears, doubts, goals, and expectations. It’s better to face these head-on, even though that might be hard in the short term. With the help of a licensed and trained counselor, the couple can work through this together.

There are many benefits of Christian premarital counseling in California. Your counseling sessions will equip you and your partner to handle the many slings and arrows that married life might direct your way. Faith-based pre-marriage therapy helps you to prepare to live a life together, and it helps you to face marriage with your partner realistically.

Benefits of Christian Premarital Counseling

It helps you view yourselves and your future life together realistically This allows you to plan for your future and set goals that will allow your marriage to flourish.

It will help you understand each other better By talking about what you believe, cherish, hope for, expect, and fear, you’re better placed to understand each other.

It will help improve your communication A healthy relationship requires good communication. Premarital counseling provides space for a couple to develop a working vocabulary so they can express complicated emotions, as well as share their opinions effectively without harming or shaming each other.

Address fears about marriage Premarital counseling takes a realistic look at what married life is like, and it can help to relieve anxieties about the future by taking a realistic look at what marriage will entail. Through premarital counseling, a couple will gain greater clarity about what marriage will be like.

Nurture skills regarding conflict resolution Some of the skills premarital counseling imparts include conflict resolution and proper handling of differences. Your counselor will teach you how to resolve problems respectfully and through constructive conversations.

Setting goals Premarital counseling helps a couple to start planning their life together and create a blueprint for their relationship. As the couple makes plans for their future, they can also learn how they make decisions and start setting patterns for how to handle their future life together.

Nurture mutual appreciation The process of premarital counseling helps you to gain a deeper appreciation of your strengths as an individual, as well as the positive aspects you possess as a couple. Seeing these things about yourself and each other helps you to develop a deeper sense of appreciation for one another.

Identify and unlearn dysfunctional patterns of behavior Another benefit of Christian premarital counseling is to identify dysfunction in how you think and behave. It goes beyond that by helping you both make use of gospel-rooted resources that can empower you to change and adopt healthy patterns.

Christian premarital counseling thus has many benefits, chiefly preparing you to have a healthy marriage with the right partner.

Next Steps

Christian premarital counseling in California aims to proactively identify and address any potential areas of conflict in a relationship before these become serious concerns. Through counseling, the spouses learn constructive and effective strategies for raising and resolving concerns without entering into prolonged conflict.

If you or your loved one is contemplating marriage, reach out to us at California Christian Counseling and schedule an appointment to speak with a Christian couples counselor in California to help you establish a strong foundation.

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Setting Personal Boundaries in Marriage: Examples and Techniques

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There is likely no more intimate human relationship than the one between a husband and wife. Our proximity to our spouse is like having a personal vanity mirror always bouncing our identities, faults, and traits back at us. It’s the sort of relationship where two people come together to share the entirety of their lives.

This marriage relationship is characterized by deep vulnerability, emotional and physical intimacy, exclusivity, and the ongoing commitment to do life together in ways that other relationships simply can’t hold a candle to. don’t. If you pause and think about it, there are things about marriage that simply cannot apply to other relationships, and it feels weird to try and do so.

You don’t commit to live with your friend for the rest of your lives, nor do you have the same obligations when it comes to your workplace and work relationships. There is something decidedly unique about the marital relationship. This makes it somewhat strange to talk about boundaries in marriage.

If we think about boundaries like boundary markers of what keeps things out or in, appropriate or inappropriate, understandably, talking about drawing such lines may feel counterproductive to connection.

Personal Boundaries in a Committed Relationship?

One of the ways marriage is described in Scripture is that “a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, NIV). There is a unison that occurs in marriage, and it doesn’t refer only to physical union through sexual intimacy, but the union of various aspects of their lives, such as where they live, their goals and plans, their finances, and so on.

Not one taking over the other, not one spouse consuming the other, or the relationship replacing the individuals’ identities, but two unique individuals embracing unity and making another whole thing, greater than the sum of its parts. 1+1=3 is the Kingdom math of relationships. Talking like this sets up the inevitable question about how the boundaries within a marriage can be if the two become one flesh.

The interesting thing about becoming one flesh is that whatever it means, it doesn’t mean you lose your individual existence. After all, if that were the case, there would be no need for Scripture to keep talking about the different and distinct roles and responsibilities of husbands and wives. Being one flesh doesn’t mean you stop being who you are as an individual.

A couple may be married, but it’s possible to have a situation in which one of them trusts in Jesus and the other does not (1 Corinthians 7:12-16). Marriage doesn’t take away the fact that you are who you are, or the fact that you have particular likes, dislikes, things you’re interested in, sensibilities, and your own sense of humor.

What marriage does is create space for two people to live together and love each other well. Loving each other well doesn’t mean becoming one another; it means considering everything that your spouse is and loving them as they are, even as you yearn for them to become who the Lord intended them to be. You love your spouse well by honoring who they are and acting in ways that speak love to who they are.

This reflects the relationship the three members of the Godhead have with each other and desire with us. To bring the glory and beauty out of each other by witnessing each other, elevating each other, and enjoying each other. Every relationship, if it is to be a healthy one, requires boundaries. These boundaries aren’t physical, per se, but they are lines that demarcate where one person ends, and the other person begins.

Each person has their limits, their own personality, things that they enjoy or don’t, and ways of being that are irreducibly them. Boundary lines like fencing on property overlooking a cliff, as C.S. Lewis might illustrate, are there for a reason, to keep fun safe and to prevent venturing into peril.

Personal boundaries can then become ways that individuals indicate their individuality, and as beings made in God’s image, their individuality is something the Lord purposely brought into being, even if it needs refinement to become more Christ-like. The Lord knit you in your mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13), and personal boundaries help you to protect who He made you to be. It’s a sad thing to be compelled to become someone else.

Examples of Personal Boundaries in Marriage

To understand personal boundaries and the place they may have in a marriage, it may be helpful to give a few examples of some boundaries. The point behind boundaries is that they help the individual define their identity, and they also help to establish limits and clear expectations in the relationship. They can also help to prevent emotional burnout, resentment, or unnecessary anger in the relationship.

Personal boundaries help to define who you are, what you’re comfortable with, and what your needs and expectations are of others. These boundaries can be about your emotions, your body, your time, money, work, how you handle digital space, and so much more.

Some examples of healthy personal boundaries in a marriage include respectful communication, such as no raised voices or name-calling; respecting each other’s opinions; not resorting to guilt-tripping or manipulation; and giving each other space to process things when needed. These standards help create a sense of emotional safety and respect in the relationship.

Time is an important aspect of our lives. Spouses might want alone time to pursue their hobbies, and also time for shared activities. To promote a healthy work-life balance, a couple may need to establish boundaries between work and life, for instance, by not checking work emails after 5 pm.

The couple can also set limits on social engagements and time spent with in-laws over the holidays. Another set of boundaries has to do with our bodies and could include personal space and delineating times and places where you don’t want to be touched.

When it comes to sexual intimacy, desires, limitations, and preferences can also be communicated, so no one feels pushed to do things they’re not comfortable with. There may also be boundaries regarding public displays of affection or private moments like dressing or using the bathroom.

Finances are often a source of conflict in relationships, and clear boundaries may be helpful. Boundaries may be set to determine shared budgeting or spending decisions; issues like debt need to be disclosed, discussed openly, and managed jointly; there may be boundaries like not lending money to loved ones; there may be limits on personal spending or maintaining individual financial autonomy.

Lastly, a couple may set boundaries about their digital lives. This includes whether they have access to each other’s devices or social media accounts; whether they can use phones during their shared time; setting limits on online interactions, for instance, not connecting with or following exes; respecting each other’s wishes about the kinds of things posted online about the family; and limiting screen time before or in bed.

Each couple will have boundaries that are unique to them as a couple and to each individual in the relationship. One of the key elements of having boundaries is that these need to be communicated openly with one’s spouse to establish boundaries that work for both spouses.

How to Set and Communicate Boundaries

When you set healthy boundaries, it works to strengthen your relationship by promoting mutual respect, trust, and understanding. It helps you to know how to love each other well because you know what your spouse wants, what’s important to them, and what will help make them feel seen and heard. The question then is: how do you effectively set and communicate boundaries?

It isn’t always possible to set boundaries before marriage. You might not even be fully aware that you have boundaries, or you haven’t communicated them as such. That’s okay. Some steps for setting and communicating your boundaries include the following: Self-reflect. Before you set or communicate your boundaries, take the time to reflect on your limits and needs.

What are some things that you consider non-negotiables, like your personal space or sense of emotional safety? Are there some areas where you’re currently feeling overwhelmed or disrespected? This may clue you in on the areas where you potentially need boundaries. Communicate your boundaries.

When you try to share your boundaries, make sure to be specific and clear about what you want. It’s important that you clearly define the boundaries and the expectations you have. For instance, you can say, “I need some focused time in the morning for work. Can I have the morning without interruptions?” Another example of a boundary is “I’m uncomfortable discussing sensitive topics with our friends around. Can we discuss this when we get home and we’re in private?”

When you communicate the boundary, it’s also important to set a consequence if the boundary isn’t respected. For instance, a consequence might be “If you keep interrupting me while I’m working, I’m afraid I’ll need to take a break and check out from the conversation.” You need to communicate your boundaries assertively. That means maintaining eye contact, maintaining a calm but firm tone, and avoiding passive-aggressive or aggressive language.

Show empathy and understanding toward your spouse, listen to their concerns and perspectives, and remain open to compromise. Also, use “I” statements to express yourself without blaming or shaming your spouse. Your boundaries are not a way to control your spouse or to get your own way.

They represent genuine needs and ought to be open to discussion and compromise. Part of living with another person is learning to bear one another’s burdens and creating healthy boundaries. Respecting one another’s boundaries is one way to love each other and bear each other’s burdens well.

Dealing with Violated Boundaries

After you’ve communicated your boundaries, should those boundaries be violated, be sure to address those violations promptly. Show an appreciation for boundaries that have been respected, and communicate any violations in the same way you communicated the boundary. Boundaries can and do shift with time and circumstance. Be flexible, remain open to compromise, and hold the line firmly where necessary.

It may be helpful to seek professional help to set, communicate, or address violated boundaries. Your counselor can help you by creating a safe and conducive environment to have these conversations and develop the necessary skills.

Mulling over not exploring your boundaries and sharing them with your partner is universal and understandable, too. It may feel intuitively more desirable and convenient not to share than to share them because you may think, “It’s the end of the day, my spouse and I are interacting in close quarters, ‘til death do us part. I don’t want to get on their bad side.” But with bad boundary definitions, they often already are on your bad side.

Precisely because you will be with your spouse, conceivably to the end, having those conversations around needs, wants, and preferences will smooth out in time your relational functioning, which will be a great gift to both of you in perpetuity compared to the short-term benefits of conflict avoidance in the near term.

Boundaries are like well-reasoned laws in a frontier town. They help settlers grow side by side and cultivate the land by following agreed-upon principles. They aren’t just the boundaries to not take my stuff or stay away at this time. Growth through limits. Love from restraint. The benefits of respect and care from boundaries. I can say they are boundless.

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Identifying Codependency in Friendships: Causes and Signs

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There’s a biblical proverb that says, “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24, NIV). Not all friendships are created equal; some friends are unreliable, while others share a bond stronger than even familial relationships. Your friendships could ruin you, but they can also be a necessary support for a rich and fulfilling life.

The result of all this is that friendships are great, but you need to exercise caution. There are some relationship dynamics, such as codependency, that you need to keep an eye on. These unhealthy dynamics not only affect your well-being, but they can also lead to poor choices that affect the course of your life. ‘Ruin’ may seem like a strong word, but unwise relationships can cause enormous amounts of damage.

What’s at the core of codependency?

The term ‘codependency’ is one that’s gained currency in the last decade or so. It describes a variety of unhealthy relationship behaviors that can be caused in several ways. However, at the heart of codependency is an underdeveloped or poor sense of self. If a person doesn’t develop a clear sense of who they are, their values, and their boundaries, they are more prone to developing codependent patterns of behavior in relationships with others.

Codependency and codependent behaviors involve a complicated mix of psychological, emotional, and relational dynamics that are at work in day-to-day interactions. Some of these include the desire to seek validation and approval externally from other people. Other dynamics include over-identifying and being enmeshed with others to the point where it’s hard to tell where they end, and you begin.

Codependency also includes a fear of rejection or abandonment, an inability to self-regulate one’s own emotions, poor emotional resilience, difficulty setting and maintaining good boundaries with others, and having low self-worth and self-esteem. In codependent relationships, there is a power imbalance and control issues, along with dysfunctional communication patterns like passive-aggressive behavior and criticism.

A codependent relationship is thus an unhealthy relationship. It doesn’t lend itself to one or both members flourishing. Often, the codependent dynamic serves to deepen unhealthy patterns of behavior that don’t shore up a healthy sense of self, nor does it promote a healthy self-sufficiency.

Some Underlying Causes of Codependency

There isn’t a single and straightforward path toward codependency. A person develops a poor sense of self and has difficulty maintaining healthy boundaries with others for a variety of reasons. The process of developing a healthy sense of self was often disrupted by experiences such as childhood trauma or experiences such as abandonment, or neglect. These can be in the form of a parent dying, parental divorce, or being literally abandoned.

Experiencing unhealthy family dynamics like parental substance abuse disorder or neglectful or inattentive parents can also lead to codependent behavior. In some cases, the child takes on the role of the parent to take care of themselves and their siblings in the place of the dysfunctional parent. The child learns to place themselves and their needs and wants after others.

Codependency can also develop as a result of an insecure attachment style. An attachment style is how you form and maintain relationships with others. An insecure attachment style may include a fear of abandonment. It leads to seeking reassurance of a loved one’s affections and also going above and beyond what’s healthy to keep a partner happy.

Depending on your situation, societal or cultural expectations can also play a role in nurturing codependency. If, for instance, there’s more of an emphasis on the collective – society, your local community, or the family – over the individual, that may lead to codependent behaviors. While it’s important to look out for others and love them well, it can be detrimental to do so without regard to personal well-being.

In addition to the above, personal values and beliefs can also lean into codependent dynamics. For instance, personal or religious beliefs could lead to an emphasis on self-sacrifice. If a person is a people pleaser who is unwilling or unable to say “no,” that too could lead to a situation of codependency.

Lastly, substance abuse or addiction, and dealing with mental health conditions such as anxiety or depression, may also lead to codependency, though via different routes. You may become overly reliant on others for day-to-day functioning due to these conditions. If you’re not intentional, those patterns may persist even after recovery. We all need help at one point or another, but it’s possible to lean into that pattern of need more than is necessary.

A person may thus form codependent patterns of relating to others when they’re young, but these patterns can also develop and set in later in life as well.

Signs of Codependency in Friendships

Being friends with someone means that you will help each other in a bind. Friends help each other, support one another in times of crisis, challenge unhealthy behaviors in each other, enjoy common interests together, and help one another become what the Lord intends for them to be. However, there are helpful and there are unhelpful and unhealthy ways to be present in someone’s life.

Some patterns of codependent behavior to look out for include:

  • It is difficult for you to say “no” to your friend or set limits to what you’re willing to do with and for them.
  • You perform enabling or rescuing behaviors toward your friend. Consistently swooping in to help your friend out of a jam of their own making.
  • In line with the inability to say “no,” you exhibit people-pleasing behavior and over-accommodate your friend.
  • Because of the inability to say “no,” you may lack the practice of self-care or prioritizing personal goals.
  • You feel overly responsible for your friend’s emotions or actions.
  • You feel emotionally or physically drained after interactions or time spent with your friend.
  • A fear of abandonment can result in the codependent tendency to tolerate abusive or toxic behavior from your friend, such as constant criticism, humiliation, being insulted, or being manipulated.
  • You have a fear of conflict or confrontation. This might look like faking agreement and not being willing to hold or express opinions or thoughts that are contrary to your friend.
  • You display passive-aggressive behavior toward your friend instead of telling them what you truly think and feel. Instead of being vulnerable, you express yourself and your feelings of anger in subtle, subversive ways. You may harbor feelings of resentment and anger toward your friend.

Codependent relationships can leave you feeling emotionally and physically burned out. They can also strain other relationships because of how all-consuming they can be. Not only do such relationships increase a person’s levels of anxiety or stress, but they also can increase the risk of depression. Codependency reinforces a loss of personal identity and autonomy.

Recovering from Codependent Patterns in a Friendship

A friendship, even a good friendship, can be overcome by codependent dynamics. If a friend is in trouble and you bail them out, that’s one thing. However, if you begin to fall into that pattern of relating to each other, a codependent dynamic can develop. A healthy friendship can become codependent in several ways, or it might commence between two people with codependent tendencies and patterns of behavior. Recovery, however, is possible.

Recovering from codependency is, among other things, about becoming more aware of the fact that your pattern of behavior with your friend is an unhealthy one. With introspection and spending time to be more self-aware, you could pinpoint how your relationship dynamic is unhealthy.

Apart from self-awareness, it’s important to put practices in place that will help you recover and develop a more secure sense of self. This includes taking steps such as boundary-setting and learning to be more assertive. It also means taking time out for self-care and prioritizing yourself, rebuilding your self-worth and self-esteem, and developing healthy communication skills so that you can express your thoughts and emotions well.

You can make use of support groups where you can share your concerns and learn from others. It may be necessary to take a break from your friendship so that you both can seek help. Both of you need to be willing to change things about yourself for the dynamics to change.

You and your friend can seek professional help to build resilience and other skills. Through individual counseling, you can build a healthy friendship. If you are ready for that step today, contact our office. We can set up an appointment to get you started with one of the therapists in our practice.

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Advice For the First Year of Marriage

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The first year of marriage is an exciting time. You finally married the love of your life. You’re excited about the future. You’re making plans, such as where you will live and when you plan to start a family.

But the first year of marriage can also be challenging. You are learning to live with one another and accept each other’s flaws. The newness begins to wear off, and you start to depend on each other for companionship.

Be prepared for the obstacles that may come along during your first year of marriage.

Advice for the First Year of Marriage

The first year of marriage can be rocky as you learn to lean on someone else while also maintaining your independence. This is the time to learn strategies in conflict resolution, anger management, and time management. Being on the same page regarding faith, household chores, finances, and expectations will go a long way in building a solid foundation for your relationship.

The following is a list of several tips for the first year of marriage.

Christian couples need Christ as the foundation

Christian couples need Jesus Christ as the foundation if they want to make it through the first year of marriage and beyond. Believers leading a Christ-led life will try to follow the principles Jesus taught and live by the fruit of the Holy Spirit. A home filled with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control is a home that people want to call home.

But you cannot fake the fruit of the Spirit. You may be able to convince someone that you have these qualities in the short term, but they will discover differently a few months into the marriage. Instead, foolproof your marriage by insisting that you both repent and give yourselves over to God and ask for the Holy Spirit to guide you both individually and as a couple.

Spend quality time together

Life gets busy, and it’s easy to take each other for granted. Don’t fall into that trap. Schedule quality time together. Make it part of your daily routine. This could be spending time watching television together or playing a game after dinner. It could be changing your work schedules to have Sundays off, so that the two of you can attend church and go out for an adventure afterward.

Guard your quality time. Others may ask for your time. Unless this is okay with your spouse, protect your time together.

But be your own person

Although quality time with your spouse is crucial for maintaining an emotional connection, you must also preserve your individuality. Pursue your own hobbies and interests, and encourage your spouse to do the same. For some couples, this may look like one person playing video games while the other reads on a Saturday morning. For other couples, it could be taking turns going out with friends.

Keep communication open when you plan to join friends or work on a hobby. Write it on a calendar that is posted where both of you can see it.

Keep yourselves honest

Don’t allow yourselves to go to bed while still angry. If you’re upset about something, tell your spouse how their actions made you feel. Don’t let emotions simmer until it feels like you might explode. Neither of you can read minds, so open communication is crucial.

Encourage honesty in your marriage. There may be times when honesty is painful, but it is essential for making informed decisions. For example, if your spouse feels that you are emotionally unavailable, don’t avoid the conversation. Find out why they think that way and seek counseling if you need it.

Place your relationship above all others

Learn to set boundaries in your relationship. Other people may try to intrude, especially initially, in the first year of marriage. In-laws may not understand why they cannot just stop over whenever they want. Establish boundaries with extended family and friends to protect your peace.

For example, you may need to set boundaries with family members about how late you will respond to a call or text message, or you may need to emphasize that they should call before stopping by your home. If you or your spouse always run errands for family members, you may need to allot a specific day and time to do this that does not interfere with your quality time.

Get on the same page with finances

Nothing triggers an argument like not being on the same page financially. If possible, discuss financial matters before marriage. Sit down and decide how you will manage bank accounts, savings, investments, and bill paying. Discuss large purchases with your spouse before making them and ensure that you both have access to the accounts.

Staying honest in marriage also extends to financial matters. If either of you has debt, work on it together. This is your first step to working as a team.

Practice patience

Little pet peeves can begin to break you down after the first few months of living together. Learn to practice patience. This might mean overlooking slights or helping your spouse through something they don’t understand. It means practicing empathy and putting yourself in their shoes.

If either of you has anger issues, seek help from a mental health professional. Anger management techniques learned during the first year of marriage will serve your relationship for decades to come.

Keep the romance alive

Part of your quality time together includes romance. Don’t get into a rut. Try new things and spice up your bedroom. Sometimes, just decluttering, cleaning, and redecorating the bedroom can give you a new lease of life in the romance area.

But romance is more than sex. You want to strengthen the emotional relationship you have. Make small gestures that show you love and appreciate your spouse. For example, make them a cup of coffee in the morning while they are getting dressed, or touch the small of their back as you walk by. It’s the little things that will keep you connected.

Support each other with household chores

No one really likes doing chores, but maintaining a clean and healthy home is essential for overall well-being. Support your spouse by helping out with chores. Some couples split chores between them, while others gravitate toward chores that their parents may have done.

Try to keep an open mind about chores. Perhaps your father only mowed the lawn once a week, while your mother cleaned the entire house and did the laundry. Neither of you is your parents, and you can manage your household in a way that best suits you and your schedules.

For example, you could keep a dry-erase board with a list of daily household tasks. When either of you has time, do a small task and check it off. Work as a team to keep a lovely and peaceful home.

Find help if you need it

Don’t be afraid to ask advice about marriage from people with long-lasting marriages. Often, pastors or older church members who have been married for decades can offer sound advice. Try to visit someone you trust as a couple. Never confide in someone of the opposite sex without your spouse with you. That could set you up for future problems.

If your church offers marriage counseling or a support group for newlyweds, consider joining. If not, you may locate support groups in your area. Alternatively, you can reach out to our counseling center to speak with a licensed marriage counselor.

Virtual Marriage Counseling Available

If you’re not sure how to approach your spouse about the above topics or need help in the first year of marriage and beyond, contact our office today. We will schedule a virtual session with a Christian counselor for you. If you prefer face-to-face sessions, those are also available. Call to get started today.

Photos:
“Just Married”, Courtesy of Frans Daniels, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Happy Couple”, Courtesy of Wesley Tingey, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Together”, Courtesy of Elahe Motamedi, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Cuddling Couple”, Courtesy of Lia Bekyan, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Signs of a Toxic Relationship: How to Move Toward a Healthier Dynamic

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One of the most amazing gifts that the Lord has given us is the ability to form meaningful relationships with other people. Being able to share your life, your interests and passions, dreams, and all that you are with someone else can be an exhilarating experience. The moment of deep connection, of being understood and known, is unlike anything else. However, relationships do come with their own dangers.

Some of the deepest hurts we experience can come at the hands of those closest to us. These may be intentional or the result of thoughtless action, but the damage they can cause is incalculable. In an intimate relationship like a marriage or a committed romantic relationship, your sheer proximity and vulnerability to one another mean the wounds are often deeper, and there are more opportunities to inflict them.

If you’re in a toxic relationship, help is available to turn things around. It can be challenging to identify the harmful patterns in your relationship, own them, and begin making the necessary moves to turn things around.

What It Means to Be a Toxic Couple

When the Lord created us with the capacity to love others, what did He intend our relationships to be? At their best, relationships are a source of support, growth, spiritual edification, and flourishing. A healthy relationship can be for a person what a well-designed greenhouse is to a plant – a place of nurture, shelter, and the ability to flower and reach one’s full potential.

The storyline of the Bible tells us that something went horribly wrong, and when humans decided that they could name and discern what is good for themselves, things went off the rails (Genesis 3). The problem with each of us deciding what is good in our own eyes means that there can be a conflict between different ideas of what is ‘good’. When people pursue what’s good for them, it might not always be what’s good for others, too.

Relationships between people can become marked by deep dysfunction, destructive behaviors, and harm, whether emotional or physical. These patterns of dysfunction are what make a relationship toxic. Every couple has struggles, areas of disagreement, and challenges. Conflict is a part of every relationship, but there are healthy ways of navigating this conflict that don’t undermine well-being.

A toxic couple is not a couple that has occasional disagreements. Rather, a couple becomes toxic when they have persistent patterns of relating to each other that erode respect, love, and a foundation of mutual understanding. These patterns undermine the well-being of both parties, making it vital to be able to identify these patterns.

Signs You Might Be in a Toxic Relationship

A relationship is a little like a small ecosystem, where you have certain reliable patterns of behavior and ways of communicating with each other. You can become quite used to communicating or acting a certain way, and the oddity of what you’re doing might only emerge when you’re around other people.

There are some surprising signs of a toxic relationship, along with some more commonplace ones, including the following:

Walking on eggshells To maintain what feels like a fragile peace, one or both of you constantly tiptoe around each other’s emotions or behaviors, not wanting to stir up conflict or disagreements. A person might walk on eggshells out of fear of being physically or verbally abused by their partner.

Feeling drained or exhausted Instead of invigorating you, your relationship and interactions with each other leave you feeling physically exhausted or emotionally drained. Similarly, if you’re consistently anxious or stressed when you think about the relationship or interact with your partner, you may be in a toxic relationship.

Doubting your perceptions As we get older, we can become forgetful, and stress can affect us in strange ways, too. However, if your partner leads you to begin questioning your own reality, including your memories, feelings, thoughts, or opinions, that’s something much deeper and possibly abusive. Another word for this is “gaslighting.”

Emotional manipulation Another sign of toxic behavior is emotional manipulation, which is when a person uses anger, emotional withdrawal, guilt, self-pity, or other passive-aggressive means of expressing themselves as ways of controlling your behavior.

Criticism and contempt Instead of constructive criticism, your partner frequently criticizes you and makes you feel bad about yourself. Unhealthy criticism is the sort that is laced with sarcasm, belittling comments, and disdain. A lack of regard for each other, which can show up as contempt, is a clear sign of a toxic dynamic in a relationship.

Violating boundaries Boundaries help you maintain your individuality by demarcating where you end and another person begins. They also allow you to recognize your needs and when you need to meet them for your well-being. If you consistently disregard one another’s boundaries or ignore reasonable and stated needs, that is also suggestive of a toxic relationship.

Feeling isolated A form of toxic behavior includes controlling and manipulating one’s partner. These limits include limiting the other’s friendships, autonomy, personal growth, or movements. You may feel like you’re being isolated from loved ones or activities that you enjoy.

Not feeling heard Your partner doesn’t listen to you, or they aren’t responsive to or receptive to your perspective. In a similar vein, if your partner is dismissive of your concerns or is defensive when you try and raise issues, that is also a toxic pattern of behavior.

Unresolved conflict In a healthy relationship, issues are discussed and resolved in a way both parties can live with. A relationship in which issues aren’t resolved or are avoided altogether is problematic. Unresolved conflict can result in feelings of resentment and create emotional distance between the couple.

Lack of trust If a relationship is (unjustly) marked by frequent accusations, secrecy, and jealousy, that also points to a toxic relationship. These behaviors hinder intimacy and a sense of emotional security.

Codependency When boundaries aren’t maintained, that can lead to all sorts of problems, such as codependency. A couple can end up having an unhealthy reliance on each other, for the sake of their self-worth, emotional stability, or even their sense of identity. One possible outcome is compromising one’s values, identity, or interests to maintain the relationship, which is a toxic dynamic.

Being able to identify these signs of a toxic relationship can be a helpful first step for a couple seeking healing and a healthier relationship.

The Impact of a Toxic Relationship

A toxic relationship affects both individuals. Being the target of demeaning or critical comments affects you, undermining your confidence. In a different but related way, being overly critical and humiliating another person also warps your own soul, deforming you and your ability to display the image of God. We were made for love – to love and be loved – and toxic relationships rob us of that (Matthew 22:36-40; 1 John 3:11-24).

Some of the psychological and emotional consequences of a toxic relationship include low self-esteem, a distorted sense of self and self-worth, and mental health challenges like anxiety and depression.

When a person feels trapped in a toxic relationship, it can lead to feelings of isolation from the Lord. Being embroiled in constant conflict, being verbally or physically abused, or having one’s potential stifled can overshadow your journey and relationship with the Lord.

Lastly, a toxic relationship affects the couple directly, but its effects can ripple outward for generations to come, toward family, friends, or the couple’s children. Toxic behaviors can shape unhealthy ways of relating to others for the next generation, and that generation shapes the next, and so on.

Steps Toward a Healthier Relationship

When a couple has toxic patterns in their relationship, that’s not necessarily a death knell for their relationship. If there is a willingness to change, with intentional effort, support, and the transformative power of the gospel, the Lord can restore the relationship.

Self-reflection is a good place to start. Look through the signs of a toxic relationship and consider the patterns in your relationship. It’s important to take ownership of your behavior and not simply point out what the other party has done or is doing. As a couple, you must commit to growth together to overcome toxic patterns.

Another step is to have honest conversations where you can both express your feelings and concerns without being afraid of retaliation or judgment. Being able to listen well and with empathy is an important skill to learn and apply.

In any relationship, trust is an essential part of what makes the relationship work. When trust is broken, the only way to rebuild it is through transparency and consistent action that demonstrates trustworthiness. If apologies are made, they must be genuine and followed up with action. Trust is also rebuilt when forgiveness has been extended and there is an opportunity for another chance.

By setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, you can nurture respect and safety in the relationship. This work, and the work of learning how to deal with conflict effectively, growing in your communication abilities, can happen as you walk with a Christian counselor. Your counselor can provide you with guidance and effective strategies tailored to your situation and aimed at helping you develop a healthy and nurturing relationship.

To learn more about healing a toxic relationship through counseling, contact our office today. The Christian counselors in our network can help you develop a healthy and God-honoring relationship again.

Photos:
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Helping a Loved One with Anger Problems

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Seeing someone you love struggling with something is one of the hardest things to go through. Not only do you feel helpless, but it can also feel painful, saddening, and anxiety-inducing to witness suffering. When your loved one is dealing with anger problems, it’s also likely that those struggles are spilling over onto other people, including you. They may hurt you, intentionally or otherwise.

When it comes to a loved one struggling with anger problems, you aren’t entirely helpless. While they are primarily responsible for handling their own emotions, you can play an important supportive role in their journey.

What are anger problems?

It should be said that feeling anger is not always the problem. Some people work hard not to feel angry, partly because of the negative associations that anger has for them, and perhaps because feeling angry doesn’t always feel good. Anger can be extremely damaging, for the person feeling it, and for the people who experience an outpouring of that anger. It’s no wonder many people are wary of anger.

However, it’s also true that our emotions serve a purpose, and that includes anger. It’s quite likely that you’ve experienced someone expressing their anger before, except that you probably missed it because it was a healthy expression of anger. A person can assert themselves and their feelings of anger in a calm and collected manner. These expressions of anger aren’t sensational, and they often go unnoticed.

Having anger problems doesn’t merely mean that you felt angry because of this or that thing. It can be okay to feel angry because anger helps to alert us when our boundaries have been violated, or when something or someone we care about is under threat. Having anger problems means struggling with unrighteous anger, to the point where that anger negatively affects you and the people around you.

Anger Problems in The Wild – Some Signs to Look Out for

Feeling angry isn’t enough to qualify you as having anger issues. There’s a need for something more than that. Some of the signs that a person has anger problems include the following:

Problematic anger Anger that is wrongly motivated, directed at the wrong object, disproportionate to its cause, out of control, prevents forgiveness, or fuels thoughts or intentions of revenge, is unrighteous anger. Unrighteous anger is a sin that must be repented of. If this kind of anger characterizes you, then you are showing signs and symptoms of an anger problem.

Broken relationships Anger can lead a person to say and do things that are damaging to others. If you shout at your children, curse your neighbor or spouse, or say things that hit at people’s vulnerabilities, one probable result is you’ll damage those relationships irreparably. Anger can short-circuit clear thinking, and you may regret the things you say when you’re feeling angry and not thinking clearly.

Legal problems In the same vein, being angry and expressing it by shouting, cursing, hitting, or acting out anger on people or their property leads to trouble. That trouble could be in the form of getting arrested for causing injury to others or property. If a person gets into legal trouble for things they did because of anger, that strongly points to anger problems.

Persistent presence Anger is one of those emotions that ought to come and go. That’s because if you’re feeling angry all the time, it can damage your health, and it points to an unhelpful frame of mind and the inability to deal well with provocations. If you feel angry a lot, or if little things make you angry, and if anger is one of the emotions you commonly experience, you have symptoms of anger problems.

Being afraid of your anger Feelings of anger shouldn’t be something you’re afraid of. However, a person who finds themselves afraid of what they’ll do when they are angry shows signs of anger issues.

Poor expression Anger, like our other emotions, is meant to be expressed (when expressed) in a healthy way. Some of the poor expressions of anger have already been detailed, but another sign of anger issues is turning anger inward or expressing it passively. Passive expressions of anger could include sulking, being sarcastic, procrastinating, stonewalling, and being non-communicative.

These are some of the signs of anger problems that are easier to pick out. Other signs might not be so easy for you to pick out in another person. For example, anger can often result in physical symptoms such as tense muscles, increased heart rate, and headaches. These may be harder to identify in another person, but they have an impact on the person who’s feeling angry.

How a Loved One’s Anger Affects Them, and You

Many things are highly personal but not private, and anger is one of them. When a person gets angry at another person, that will affect how they respond to them, as well as their attitude toward them. Jesus picks up on this in the Sermon on the Mount, highlighting how destructive anger can be because it can lead you to denigrate someone made in God’s image (Matthew 5:21-26).

Your loved one’s anger affects them, but that anger doesn’t stay contained; it also affects you, in subtle as well as other ways. To begin with, anger affects your loved one’s health and well-being. The strain that anger puts on the human body can be problematic if a person is chronically angry. Anger can increase stress levels, the risk of heart disease, and the risk of conditions like diabetes, etc.

When a loved one can’t control their anger, it often results in them lashing out. When you break relationships with others, it can lead to increased isolation. If you have an anger outburst at work, you could damage relationships with clients and colleagues, leading to getting fired. Loss of income and diminishing job prospects due to anger can lead to financial problems that are hard to get out of.

The same goes for the legal problems that could result from anger problems. Damaging property or hurting another person could result in a fine, community service, and being ordered to go for anger management classes. If it’s severe enough, you could end up seriously hurting or even killing someone, which would mean serious jail time at a minimum. A person can alter the entire trajectory of their life because of one decision made in anger.

One of the ways your loved one’s anger affects you is that you might be in a position to see its detrimental effects on them. Seeing your loved one’s health fail, relationships flounder, and work opportunities dwindle because of anger problems can be heartbreaking.

Another way that your loved one’s anger may harm you is when it is directed at you. Being verbally or physically abused can cause untold damage to a person, including affecting your sense of safety, undermining your self-esteem, and increasing your risk of anxiety and depression, to name a few. Being in a relationship with them feels uncomfortable, and it can feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells around them.

How to Help a Loved One with Anger Problems

When your loved one has anger problems, one of the important things to remember is that you aren’t responsible for their emotions. A person is responsible for how they feel and how they act on those feelings. It can be tempting to take responsibility when you shouldn’t, which places an unnecessary burden on you while ignoring your loved one’s responsibility for their actions, and hindering their ability to manage their own emotions.

In the main, the role you can play in your loved one’s life is as a support. You can help them by gently and lovingly pointing out the problem to them. You can encourage them to talk about what’s going on and allow them to communicate their angry feelings. This should be done within limits; for instance, they can share how they feel, but that doesn’t mean they can shout at you and be abusive.

Another thing that you can do is to model what healthy communication looks like. By setting an example and having clear boundaries, you can show, and not just tell, your loved one what it looks like to express anger in a healthy manner. Setting boundaries and looking after your well-being is not only a good example but it’s needed whenever you’re trying to care for someone. You need room to rest and recuperate.

Lastly, you can encourage them to get help. This is a decision that they must make, but you can motivate them by explaining why it’s a good decision.

If they do reach out to an anger management therapist for help, there are other ways to provide support, including helping them with the exercises their therapist gives them and encouraging them to attend sessions consistently. With help from a professional, your loved one can learn to bring their anger under control.

Photos:
“Disagreement”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Fight”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Stressed”, Courtesy of Matteo Vistocco, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “A Shoulder to Lean On”, Courtesy of Toimetaja Tolkeburoo, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Healing for a Broken Family

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No family is immune to problems. The dynamics of one family may not work for another. When situations come up that cause emotional damage, it can be challenging to navigate the healing process. In some cases, the damage may lead to estrangement. When this happens, it is often called a broken family. Having unhealthy relationships can also fall into this category. There is hope for healing a broken family.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. – 1 Peter 4:8, NIV

Having a broken family can leave scars. Family relationships break in such an extreme manner that it may seem impossible to fix. These broken relationships tend to leave people feeling abandoned. Acknowledging the cause is the first step on the road to healing for a broken family.

Understanding What Breaks a Family

The brokenness that families experience is not easily defined. What breaks one family could strengthen another. It’s a matter of understanding the core dynamic of the family as a whole. This could include heritage, culture, and spiritual beliefs.

A devastating loss There are times that the loss of a family member can cause a family to become estranged and broken. When there is a loss it affects every person in different ways. When the family faces the loss they must learn a new dynamic. This isn’t always easy. Grief can cause many emotions and until it is processed it is hard to understand how to navigate healing as a broken family.

Disregard for boundaries This is typical between parents and children or siblings. Each family member needs to respect and understand the boundaries that are present. Boundaries aren’t a way of saying “I don’t need you in my life.” They are in place to create a healthy lifestyle.

Abuse Family members who have faced abuse often choose to sever relationships. Whether it is physical or sexual abuse, the pain becomes a challenge to overcome for that person.

Control issues Parents don’t always intend to be controlling. Most of the time they are trying to make sure their children are getting what they need to thrive. When it carries over into the child’s personal life it can cause a relationship to become severed.

Financial issues Finances play a big part in our lives. As children, we depend on our parents financially. When we aren’t instructed on the positive ways to manage money we can find ourselves in a dysfunctional home due to financial hardships.

Difference in faith and other beliefs Family members don’t always have the same beliefs. This can cause a severed relationship when there is a lack of respect for each other’s chosen faith or political beliefs.

Issues with mental health When family members struggle with mental health issues it can result in estrangement. To find healing in a broken family due to mental health issues those issues must be addressed. This could also involve a family session to identify the way to navigate the relationships.

Disregarding the act of apologizing Deciding to navigate healing the relationship is a big step. If this choice is met with a disregard for apologizing, then the broken relationship becomes harder to mend.

What can heal a broken family?

Healing begins with awareness. Taking time to understand what caused the hurt and if there is a way to repair the damage is one step in the journey to navigate healing for a broken family. It won’t happen overnight, but with intentional choices, it can become healed. This choice isn’t something that comes from one side of the relationship. Both parties must be willing to pursue the pathway to healing.

Have a conversation about the issue

Having a hard conversation about what happened is the place to start. Without understanding what happened there is no way to understand what needs to be done to repair the damage. Honest and open communication is the best way to accomplish this conversation. This conversation includes listening as much as speaking. Be intentional about the conversation.

Stay away from the blame game

Trying to lay the blame on each other doesn’t lead to healing. Most of the time, it will only cause even more resentment and sever the relationship. It is understandable to want to find a place to put the blame, but the simple fact is we are all human. As humans we make mistakes and in most instances of broken relationships, it is not a one-sided issue.

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. – Romans 13:8, NIV

Extend forgiveness and walk in patience

Healing comes from forgiveness. Giving and seeking forgiveness entails patience. It takes time to understand each person’s role in the situation. People don’t change overnight so we have to be patient as we allow each other to examine our hearts and understand our actions.

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. – Matthew 6:14, NIV

Work on restoring trust and relationship harmony

Just as families can find themselves out of harmony with each other, they can restore that peace. It takes work on the part of each individual in the family. This requires motivation, knowledge, persistence, and acknowledgment of the reality that no one is perfect. When the balance is restored the trust will likely be restored as well. Remember, something that becomes broken won’t look like it did before the damage. This doesn’t mean it can’t be fixed.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. – Ephesians 4:31-32, NIV

More tips to help heal broken families

There are ways to implement the above strategies to help heal the brokenness.

  • Establish acceptable behavior expectations.
  • Don’t expect behavior that hasn’t been taught.
  • Understand family behavior patterns.
  • Set clear boundaries for honest communication.
  • Understand that you cannot fix a person’s behavior.
  • Define and share the expected emotional needs.
  • Engage in a body of Christ that can be supportive and loving.
  • Maintain the view of equality among adults.
  • Understand that God wants to see the family restored.
  • Pray together as a family.
  • Read and meditate on God’s Word.
  • Continue to seek to love as God loves.
  • Seek professional help from a Christian counselor.

When the Relationship is Over

The reality is that there are times when even after doing all the things to navigate toward healing, the relationship is over. Even though there has been forgiveness and acceptance, there are people who may choose to remain estranged. This is not to say that person is wrong. Sometimes it is best that boundaries mean a distant relationship.

When a family member chooses to end a relationship the only thing that you are in control of is your reaction to that decision. You must understand that you aren’t to blame for their choice. Once you have pursued the avenue of forgiveness, it is up to them whether or not they receive that extended hand of forgiveness.

You don’t have to expect anything from them nor do you have to keep a space for them in your emotional well-being. The constant stress about a relationship that is over is not healthy mentally, emotionally, or physically.

It is okay to let go of that relationship and give it space when you can navigate the issues. Otherwise, you may find you continue to experience anxiety from the stress of trying to pretend everything is fine.

Next Steps: Christian Family Counseling

Every family has a problem to face on occasion. The ability of the family to navigate those problems without becoming estranged depends on how the dynamics of that family work. There are instances when it doesn’t matter how well the family gets along, there are issues that cause severe damage. Understanding how to navigate the hurts of a broken family takes patience and willingness.

If you feel like you need help with navigating how to heal as part of a broken family, reach out to us at California Christian Counseling. Your counselor can create a Scripture-based plan of treatment to help you navigate the hurt and emotions that you may be facing.

See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. – Hebrews 12:15, NIV

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Embracing the Joys and Challenges of Being Adoptive Parents

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Children are a gift from the Lord, and they come into our lives in various ways. Being a parent may be a difficult and beautiful calling and task, but few things in life feel as meaningful. You may have become a parent via adoption or by birth, but your child is your child, and they are a part of your family and your life.

Adoption is a beautiful way of welcoming a child into your family, but like most things in life, becoming adoptive parents has its joys and challenges.

The Joys of Welcoming a Child Into Your Family

Adding a child into your life, whether biological or adoptive, can bring many unknowns. But at its core, it is the joyful process of adding another member to the family. Watching a child grow and learn is unlike any other experience.

Some of the joys of being adoptive parents include:

Providing a safe and loving home The child you’re adopting can come from any number of circumstances and family history. Every child deserves the love of a family. One of the joys of being an adoptive parent is in providing a welcoming, lifelong home to a child. Being able to provide a safe household with loving parents is a huge blessing that the child is being made part of.

Being able to raise a child Your own story leading into adoption is unique, but families that choose to adopt often do so because of challenges such as infertility. This can bring grief. Adopting a child allows a family to realize their dream of raising a child.

Experiencing new cultures and traditions An international or cross-cultural adoption may be what best fits your family and situation. This provides unique responsibilities, including learning about your child’s birth culture and identity so that you can answer your child’s questions, and also so that you can walk with them if and when they decide to explore it further.

Becoming a multicultural or interracial family means that the whole family must adjust, learn, and grow to make the family a truly welcoming space for everyone, just as it would with another child.

Challenges of Being Adoptive Parents

Though there are significant joys to being an adoptive parent, there are some challenges to be mindful of as well. Some of these include:

The adoption process itself One of the first challenges an adoptive parent needs to reckon with is the process of adoption itself. The process can be complicated, expensive, and take a long time to bring to completion whether you’re doing it domestically or internationally.

If you’ve adopted a child through foster care, you may have had a difficult journey with the child’s biological family as well. It’s important to maintain a relationship when possible but that can be difficult for both your family and your child.

Grief and loss For the child who’s being adopted, leaving their foster parents or caregivers behind, and moving to a new city or country can cause grief. That grief may manifest as sadness, but also as tantrums, angry outbursts, or other forms of maladaptive behavior. In addition to the child’s grief, you may deal with secondary trauma based on your journey as an adoptive parent.

People’s unhelpful or inappropriate questions When your adoptive child doesn’t look like you or your partner, your family may be exposed to questions that run the gamut from well-intentioned, to malicious, and from mildly inappropriate and uncomfortable to way over the line.

In these and other situations where you are exposed to people’s unhelpful curiosity, you and your child don’t need to respond to every question. It’s important to talk with your child before these comments come up about how they would like you to respond or how you can respond together as a family.

Building secure attachments Your adoptive child has experienced at least one disruption to their attachment, and they may have been in a situation where their needs were not consistently met. All this can lead to having an insecure attachment. By being consistent and predictable, adoptive parents can help their children develop healthier attachments to them and others.

Recognizing your adoptive child’s birth family and culture The fact that your child was born to other parents can be a source of insecurity and anger in your family. Your child’s curiosity about where they come from may feel uncomfortable for you, but it’s important to respect that curiosity and share the information you have in an age-appropriate way.

It also helps for you to be curious about, as well as provide opportunities for the child to experience, their birth culture and identity. One strategy that may be helpful is to have regular check-ins with your child about their thoughts and questions related to their birth family. In these conversations, work on creating a safe environment for your child to express themselves without fear of judgment around their questions and thoughts.

Feeling alienation An adoptive child may feel like they aren’t truly part of the family, and these feelings may be heightened if there is a history of abandonment and neglect in their background. It can also be a challenge to knit together your biological and adoptive children into a cohesive whole, especially if your adoptive child enters the family when your biological children are a little older or the birth order is disrupted in some way.

These challenges in no way suggest that being an adoptive parent is necessarily more difficult than being a biological parent. Each child is different, and their unique set of needs also differs. Parenting requires creativity, perseverance, and boldness. It stretches you beyond your capacities sometimes, but in our parenting as in anything else, we can rely on God’s joy, grace, and strength to help us.

One of the gifts a parent can pass on to their child is the gift of the gospel. The Lord places children in our care so that we can nurture them and mold their character. A person’s personality is shaped by their DNA, but their character and whether they are people of virtue is determined by nurture. The child in your care, whether they are there by adoption or by birth, has the opportunity to know the Lord Jesus through you and how you nurture them.

Embracing All of Life As Adoptive Parents

Journeys in life aren’t meant to be taken alone. Parenting is rewarding but can be exceptionally hard. The journey to becoming an adoptive parent can be difficult, and part of how you can embrace that difficulty is to embrace others who are making or have made the same journey. Adoption communities are a great source of support for adoptive parents, and they can share their experiences and wisdom.

It’s also important that you understand that just as any other family faces its challenges as it goes through various transitions, your family is also undergoing challenges. Some parents experience struggles with adapting to their new role as parents and might question their ability to raise this new child in their lives.

These are real challenges even for biological parents, and they can be addressed in part by adjusting one’s expectations, settling into the role, and deepening the bond with the child by spending consistent time with them. Parenting classes can also help address concerns and provide tools for new parents.

It also helps to remember that you can’t always control how other people react or respond to you and your child. People can make hurtful or insulting remarks without knowing it. If you know that questions will come, it helps to be prepared to face these types of comments and questions, and you can also help your child prepare to answer them as well. Doing so can make a huge difference in the ability to deal with the situation and take things in stride.

Through open communication with your child, and by being supportive, consistent, present, and curious, you can set your family up for success. Having consistent routines, building new family traditions, and embracing and retelling your story as a complex family can all help you appreciate the family the Lord has given you.

Raising a child requires humility; it can be difficult to come to your wits’ end and say, “I just don’t know”. Coming to the end of your knowledge doesn’t mean that you’re not a good parent. It simply means you’re a human being who has an area to grow and develop in. It’s important when we reach those points to be willing to seek help. I mentioned adoptive communities earlier; these are great spaces to find help and support on your parenting journey.

Christian Counseling for Adoptive Parents in Newport Beach, California

You can also seek help in the form of Christian family counseling in Newport Beach, California. A Christian family counselor in Newport Beach can help your child and family if there are issues such as adjusting to the new situation or overcoming abandonment and neglect issues.

Your counselor can help you devise effective strategies to nurture your child and cultivate a healthy home environment that allows your whole family to thrive. Contact us today at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to schedule an appointment.

Photos:
“Mother and Child”, Courtesy of Zach Lucero, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; Reading a Book”, Courtesy of olia danilevich, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Family Walking”, Courtesy of Vidal Balielo Jr., Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Three Pairs of Shoes”, Courtesy of Lisa Fotios, Pexels.com, CC0 License

 

Emotional Infidelity Uncovered: What Exactly is It, Why It Happens, and Steps to Repair Your Relationship

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Emotional infidelity is a relationship issue that is unfortunately becoming more and more common. The constant and convenient accessibility to others (whether people, chat rooms, social media accounts, or AI) makes it easy for partners to satisfy their unmet relationship needs online, sometimes even while lying in bed next to their partner.

Given the reality of our current society, monogamy can feel under attack now more than ever. It can feel like it’s harder to stay completely faithful in a marriage. But if your relationship has been betrayed by emotional infidelity, it is certainly possible for it to recover and prosper after emotional infidelity.

In this article, I will provide more clarity on defining emotional infidelity, why it occurs, and steps on how to recover your relationship. For the sake of reading ease, this article will use the terms relationship, couple, and marriage interchangeably.

Who I Am

Before proceeding, I would like to give you, the reader, a little context about me. My name is Kristy De Leon, and I am a doctorate-level licensed marriage and family therapist with a certification in sex and couples therapy. I have over twenty years of experience in the mental health field and have been with my husband for twenty-two years in total, of which we have been married for seventeen.

We have two neurodivergent sons in addition to my husband being a career fireman. All that to say, he and I have been through some real challenges. There have been dark moments in which I (and I’m sure he too) was unsure of whether our marriage would survive- yet through the grace of God and the commitment to our marital covenant, here we are still married and in love.

The commitment to the marital covenant is an important topic that will be revisited as part of the solution. I felt my background was important to share with you because if you are reading this article, you are most likely in a challenging season of your relationship.

Knowing that the writer has been through difficult seasons in her own relationship can hopefully help you feel seen along with learning realistic steps toward marital recovery. There is nothing worse than reading an article in hopes of finding comfort and solutions to only be left feeling the same or worse because the author only gave textbook unrealistic suggestions.

What is emotional infidelity?

So let’s dive in and define emotional infidelity. It is the act of a person going outside of their committed relationship to meet their emotional needs. Examples can range from engaging in flirtatious activities (whether texts, social messaging, or in-person gestures) to having deep conversations with someone other than their partner. Think of it as sharing emotional sides of oneself that truly should only be shared with one’s partner.

This means that emotional infidelity can be defined differently per person and relationship: what one couple would define as emotional infidelity, another couple would not. What is important to note here is that emotional infidelity does not have a one-size-fits-all definition, unlike sexual infidelity.

For some couples, liking or following social media accounts that have provocative images would be defined as emotional infidelity. For another couple, becoming close to a co-worker by sharing worries, dreams, or inside jokes would be seen as emotional infidelity. Regardless of the behavior being seen as “innocent,” if it pulls a person away from their partner and more importantly if the partner feels betrayed then it is emotional infidelity.

Reasons for Emotional Infidelity

Why does emotional infidelity occur? Similar to the definition, the reasons why it occurs vary from person to person and from couple to couple. Despite the reason, the common denominator is that there are emotional needs that are going unmet. Even though there have been multiple conversations and fights about the needs, they continue to go unmet.

Or worse, there is a complete lack of communication, and these needs continue to go unseen. Communication challenges are an issue that many couples face. Communicating one’s needs can be difficult. It’s risky, vulnerable, and opens the door to possible rejection and ridicule.

The reality is that most people have a hard time communicating vulnerable requests or statements. Therefore, most relationships do not have the communication foundations to have such vulnerable conversations. It becomes easier to avoid these conversations altogether and easier to get one’s emotional needs met elsewhere where there isn’t so much history, hurt, or negative emotions.

In addition to communication challenges, other factors can open the door to emotional infidelity, such as past hurts or betrayals, becoming emotionally or sexually bored in the relationship, feeling rejected by your partner, feeling your partner is emotionally unavailable, associating with others where emotional infidelity is common and accepted, feeling like you parenting your spouse or feeling like you are being parented by your spouse.

There can be multiple unhealthy relationship dynamics that can be co-occurring which can lead to infidelity. There can also be individual factors (such as traumas, unhealthy beliefs around relationships, etc.) that can contribute to existing unhealthy relationships increasing the likelihood of emotional infidelity.

Both partners contribute to emotional infidelity

Infidelity, whether emotional and/or sexual or any other type of relationship betrayal, does not exist in a vacuum. Meaning it is not a stand-alone thing that sprouted out of nowhere. With all the individuals and couples that I have counseled who are in search of infidelity recovery, it is typically a result of unhealthy relationship dynamics. Similar to addiction, infidelity is a systemic problem/relationship issue in which each partner has contributed in their own way to the issue.

I understand that statement can be really hard to read and process, especially if you are the one who was betrayed. Society would say “You don’t need this.”, “Walk away.”, or “Once a cheater always a cheater.” And without knowing your relationship nor the context in which the betrayal occurred, all those statements may hold some truth.

But what I can say is that for each couple who has courageously sat in front of me with the willingness to repair their relationship, each person eventually was able to not only recognize their contribution but more importantly was able to own their part.

At its core, a marriage relationship requires four components: sex, time, attention, and affection. Think of these as slices in a pie where each partner’s slices may look different. For example, for the husband the slice of time may be bigger than for the wife or the slice of affection may be bigger for the wife than it is for the husband. The size of these slices can change over time, during milestones, in times of stress, or just as a result of aging.

Although each spouse’s pie can look different, there is an overlap in that each person has the same four slices. As mentioned in the previous paragraph, it is pivotal for each partner to share when their slices change size; meaning the need has either increased or decreased for any of the four components.

I hope that this imagery can help you begin to understand the importance of having explicit conversations about the needs of each partner. These are continuous conversations that should be occurring throughout the life of the marriage. As we age our needs change and so do the needs of the relationship.

Repairing the Ruins

So how does a marriage repair itself after emotional infidelity? First, I want to affirm that overcoming this betrayal is possible. Second, I have a three-step process through which I lead couples who are recovering from any type of infidelity or betrayal. The three steps are as follows: crisis, insight, and vision.

Crisis Chances are, you may currently be in the crisis stage: you just found out, many different conflicting emotions overcome you, you may be in shock, or you may be exploring your options on whether to stay or leave (especially if this is not the first time). In the crisis phase, both partners are grappling to manage many different emotions.

Insight It’s not until the emotional dust settles that we can move toward the second phase of insight. Insight is a stage where each partner is able and willing to explore their own contribution to what happened in addition to gaining an understanding of their spouse’s choices and behaviors.

Vision In the last phase of vision, the couple co-creates a new definition of the monogamy agreement, and a new commitment to the covenant of marriage is made.

Keeping Covenant

The commitment to the covenant is at the core of sustaining a marriage regardless of the challenges. Keeping the commitment means showing up even when it’s hard, scary, or when you are hurt, tired, or not in the mood. It also means that there is an understanding and acceptance of the fallible human nature.

Thus, even though you and your partner have recommitted to the marital covenant, human nature will cause you and your partner to fail each other again at some point in some way. This is when and where we must grow our faith, strengthen our relationship with God, and practice our Christian morals and values with ourselves and our spouses.

Hope to Overcome Emotional Infidelity

I want to reiterate that a marriage can recover and prosper despite emotional infidelity. It will require creating a new healthy covenant that includes effective communication skills, healthy coping skills, and a different way of problem-solving – all things that are part of my therapeutic work with couples. In closing, Scripture reminds us that, “…we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him” (Romans 8:28).

If you are looking for support in navigating emotional infidelity, please contact our reception team to schedule a free consultation today. Kristy De Leon offers traditional talk therapy sessions or couple intensives (that range between 3-4 hours) for busy couples who want to expedite the healing process.

Photo:
“Shattered Heart”, Courtesy of Isidore Decamon, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License