4 Signs of a Toxic Relationship and How to Fix It

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Finding and being in a healthy relationship can be as exciting and as rewarding as finding a cleverly hidden geocache; it’s an amazing experience that takes a lot of work to accomplish.

Great relationships do take a lot of work because there are many things that can derail important aspects of a relationship, such as communication. There are many skills necessary to handle the challenges that beset relationships successfully.

As social and relational creatures, we are hardwired for relationships. Your relationships have a profound effect on who you are and who you become as a person. If you’re in a toxic relationship, remedying the situation as quickly as possible is the best move you can make for your well-being.

Indicators of a Toxic Relationship

A toxic relationship can pass and look like a normal relationship. However, on closer inspection, certain patterns, habits, and dynamics in the relationship are decidedly unhealthy and damage both parties. A toxic relationship has certain features that distinguish it from a healthy one. Some of the signs of a toxic relationship include the following:

The way you talk to each other Communication is the lifeblood of a relationship because that is how a couple shares their ideas, thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears, desires, expectations, disagreements, and more. Communication can be unhealthy if it’s steeped in anger, if you don’t listen to each other, if there’s constant criticism and too little encouragement, or if it builds up.

If a couple is constantly engaged in conflict, and they engage in conflict by casting aspersions toward one another, or they stonewall and become unresponsive to each other’s needs, those could also point to a toxic relationship.

The way you treat each other If a couple doesn’t honor each other, that is a feature of a toxic relationship. That lack of honor may look like disrespecting boundaries, making jokes at the other person’s expense, humiliating or putting each other down, not respecting each other’s opinions, seeking to manipulate or control each other, being deceptive toward one another, and not celebrating each other.

If a couple doesn’t enjoy each other’s company or chooses to avoid spending time with each other, if they are dismissive of one another and don’t protect each other, if they don’t seek the best for each other, nurturing each other’s strengths and shoring up each other’s weaknesses, they may have a toxic relationship.

Relationships are meant to be places of safety, but if they are instead places where physical or verbal violence occurs, they have become toxic. Similarly, if one or both of you tiptoe around each other and are unable to be honest and vulnerable because you fear reprisals or emotional outbursts, that’s also a concern.

How you over-rely on one another Interdependence is healthy in relationships. There needs to be give and take in the relationship, as well as the sharing of burdens. It becomes problematic if you derive your sense of self from each other, and you become defined by being over-reliant on your partner to rescue you or rescuing them.

Lack of trust Relationships thrive on trust to function. Without trust, emotional and physical intimacy is hindered, and communication breaks down. If there is constant suspicion, false accusations, or any avoidant or needy behaviors, that could point to a lack of trust in the relationship, and to a toxic relationship.

These and other behaviors can mark a relationship as toxic. When a relationship is toxic, it can affect you by increasing the amount of stress you’re under, it can lead to anxiety and depression, and it can place you in danger of emotional and physical harm. In other words, a toxic relationship can significantly affect your overall well-being.

How do relationships become toxic?

Sometimes, relationships begin with a toxic dynamic already in place. This can happen in a variety of ways, including the possibility that your upbringing shapes much of how you conduct your relationships. If, for instance, you grew up with parents who were perfectionistic, neglectful, controlling, abusive, or overprotective, those things can impact your growth and ability to function well in relationships with others.

The origins of a toxic relationship can be difficult to excavate and understand fully. Many different factors can contribute to a relationship becoming toxic, including idealizing your partner and entering into a relationship with unrealistic expectations. Such expectations can only lead to disappointment and deep frustration when reality hits home, and your partner isn’t what you want them to be.

A relationship can also become toxic based on the circumstances the couple finds themselves in and how they handle them. If a relationship is placed under strain, for example, through family or cultural expectations, social pressure, or financial stress, how the couple responds to these could be in a way that makes the relationship toxic. The couple could respond by blaming, blame-shifting, or not properly resolving the conflict.

Other contributing factors may include low self-esteem, trauma, abuse, or neglect; having poor boundaries; or having an insecure attachment style. These factors can lead to a toxic relationship, and they increase the possibility of entering and remaining in a toxic relationship. You may be more vulnerable to toxic relationships because of these experiences and traits.

As you begin relationships, it’s important to note a few things. The feelings of intense attraction and chemistry that often accompany the early stages of a relationship can blind you to glaring red flags and warning signs of a toxic relationship. At this stage, you may be infatuated, idealizing the other person and minimizing or overlooking their faults. Pay close attention, as the relationship may evolve, and toxic patterns can emerge with time.

There are some common early warning signs of a potentially toxic relationship. You should keep an eye out for these. They include things such as a disregard and disrespect for your boundaries; control, manipulation, or gaslighting; possessiveness and intense jealousy; being inconsistent or emotionally unavailable; being contemptuous of others, as well as putting down or disparaging them.

In other words, if there is a lack of love toward others and you, that could be the early signs of a toxic dynamic that may be unleashed in your relationship. Know these potential warning signs and step aside before things get serious.

How to Fix a Toxic Relationship

A toxic relationship can be detrimental to the well-being of everyone it comes into contact with. Is there a way to fix a toxic relationship? The first thing to remember is that it’s important to be aware of yourself and the ways you can contribute to or excuse a toxic dynamic in a relationship. In a given relationship, there are ways in which both parties can contribute to the toxic dynamic in the relationship.

Self-awareness of the ways in which we can enable toxic behaviors or perpetrate them is a first step. That, however, needs to be coupled with a willingness to change yourself and the relationship. You can’t change the other person, but you can work on yourself. You can’t control what your partner does, and you shouldn’t try. You need to be willing to do the work that’s needed to change how you are in relationships.

A toxic relationship can be fixed only if both parties can see the problems in the relationship, acknowledge their individual and collective part in it, and do the work of turning things around. One partner or spouse cannot do the lifting that’s required by both of them to make a difference. Sometimes one spouse starts the journey toward healing on their own, and then later the other spouse or partner chooses to join them on the journey.

There are instances in which the relationship is so toxic that it becomes a threat to life and limbs. Reach out and talk to trusted loved ones, a professional such as a counselor, or connect to a hotline that deals with issues of abuse. It may be necessary to remove yourself safely from the situation, and you can receive help to create a plan and do just that, even if it’s only for a season, until the other partner sorts themselves out.

A couple can seek help from a couples counselor to help them work through their toxic traits and habits. With counseling, a couple can identify the toxic patterns of behavior and come to recognize how it affects them as individuals and as a couple. The couple can learn to nurture trust, effective communication, and conflict resolution skills, helping them to build intimacy and a healthy relationship. Reach out for help to bring healing to your relationship.

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How to Recognize Codependency and Narcissism in Your Friendships

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Recognizing codependency and narcissism in your friendships may not seem relatable, but it’s worth reflecting on as you interact with friends of varying degrees. You will have a variety of friendships in your lifetime: co-workers, book club friends, workout buddies, lifelong friends, and casual friends who share a specific season of life. Knowing whether or not your friend is codependent and how that impacts narcissistic tendencies can help you and them.

What is narcissism?

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition, says that narcissism can be adjacent to a mental health disorder known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). However, narcissistic tendencies don’t necessarily qualify a person as having NPD.

Unfortunately, both terms (narcissism and codependency) have undergone a platform mutation in recent years to their detriment because of social media, public overuse, and misunderstanding. Narcissism itself isn’t evil or all bad. It often stems from poor self-esteem and exemplifies someone who is hurting.

While NPD shows a pervasive pattern of at least five out of nine diagnostic traits and usually starts becoming more consistent in young adulthood, having some narcissistic traits does not necessarily mean you or a friend has NPD. If a person has true NPD, they meet at least five of the following nine criteria in all areas of their life, not just in one or two areas or environments.

  1. They think of themselves as more important than others.
  2. They imagine they’re deserving of or will automatically inherit certain rewards or achievements, even if there isn’t evidence to indicate such.
  3. They believe they are special or operate on a “different playing field” of sorts. More than seeing themselves as self-important (as in No. 1), this tendency is to see others through a lens of haughtiness.
  4. They need a high degree of validation from others. Think of the leader of the “mean girl” pack. She surrounds herself with “yes” girls who laud her because she needs the admiration.
  5. They have an unrealistic expectation about what others owe them or should give them. Another way to state this is a sense of entitlement.
  6. They have a tendency toward – and establish a pattern of this behavior – exploiting others for their own gain and/or manipulating others to get what they want or to get out of doing something they don’t want to do.
  7. They’re unwilling to listen to or try to empathize with someone else’s perspective or emotional needs.
  8. Envy is frequent, and it can be their envy of others or their misconception that others are envious of them.
  9. They struggle with arrogance in multiple arenas of life.

What is codependency?

Unlike narcissism, codependency is not a disorder recognized by the DSM-5. It’s a behavioral pattern that was first used in the 1970s, made more universal in the 1980s when a book, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie was used to help those struggling with substance use disorder (SUD). Typically, a person with codependent behavioral patterns will often mask the consequences of another person’s behavior.

The person doing the masking may believe they’re protecting their loved one from negative consequences or hardship. What often happens, however, is an unhealthy attachment that requires a level of maintenance that can’t be sustained over time. It can create fractured relationships due to unclear boundaries.

Similar to narcissism, the term codependent has developed a negative reputation when, in fact, it’s simply a pattern of relating that can be unlearned when a person forms healthy attachments. Some markers of codependency include the following:

  • Refusing to do things or go places unless the other person also wants to do them or go with you.
  • Excusing a friend’s poor behavior (repeatedly) when it’s been hurtful to you.
  • Feeling guilty when you take time out for yourself instead of serving your friend’s or loved one’s needs.
  • Apologizing without working toward reconciliation, even if the fault isn’t yours, just to avoid conflict.
  • Doing more than your share when your friend could also contribute. An example might be agreeing to go on a trip together, but you do all the planning, pay for the trip, and drive, while your friend simply adds a few recommendations.
  • Feeling alone or like your friend doesn’t ask curious questions about your life often, yet you don’t mention it for fear of losing your friendship or not pleasing her.

How Codependency and Narcissism Arise from Similar Struggles

On the surface, it appears that codependent people struggle with low self-esteem and, therefore, may not assert themselves or their own opinions. This is not an accurate portrayal of a codependent-tending person. Just as a narcissistic person does not always think of themselves as better than others or isn’t always toxic and full of drama. However, the two can share similar roots.

When a person is codependent, they tend to learn those patterns of behavior from a parent or caregiver who did not give them the attention they needed as a child, or they were incapable of functioning as a healthy emotional adult. Either way, the person learned to cope by letting personal boundaries go by the wayside.

One example of this is when a person grows up and makes a friend at work. He had an alcoholic mother who often asked him to hide her receipts for wine from his dad so he wouldn’t know how much she was drinking.

As a young teen, he thought he was creating a more peaceful home life by saving the relational tension between his mom and dad. In reality, it was edging him toward an inability to develop healthy boundaries, recognizing it was not his job to save his mom from the consequences of her destructive behavior.

Then, in the friendship this adult man has with a co-worker, he isn’t able to see that the co-worker is taking advantage of their friendship by asking him to take the fall whenever he fails to prepare for a work presentation or wants to get by with leaving the office early. He asks his friend to cover for him by saying he had a doctor’s appointment, and this sets up a continual pattern of learned behavior and lack of boundaries.

Narcissistic personality tendencies can also be rooted in a struggle with boundaries. If as a young teen, someone struggles to see their worth and value, it’s usually referred to as low self-esteem. Rather than recognizing this and looking for healthy ways to develop confidence, a teenager may make fun of others to make herself feel better.

This kind of behavior – unchecked – can lead to dangerous adult relationships. She may use a grandiose view of herself to mask her low self-value and expect others to see her self-importance in the same light.

What to Do If You Recognize Codependency and Narcissism in Yourself or a Friend

One of the downsides of the public using terms that are clinical in nature – such as toxic, narcissistic, or codependent – is that they can take on inaccurate meanings. A good way to respond if you think you or your friend exhibits some traits of codependency or narcissism is to be curious, gentle, and compassionate.

While it doesn’t mean you have to let your friend override your personal boundaries, you can ask compassionate questions if she says something like, “I can’t go through the line without you. I’m too scared.”

An appropriate, boundary-setting response might be, “I’m enjoying my lunch while it’s hot, so I am going to stay here. But I wonder why it’s hard for you to go alone. Is there someone at the head of the line who makes you nervous?” This lets her know you care, but also holds a firm boundary about wanting to eat your lunch while it’s hot.

Other appropriate responses include recognizing when these qualities are present in yourself and avoiding self-blame or negative self-thoughts. Instead, you can reflect on an appropriate next step.

It might be looking for a counselor who can help you examine where your learned behaviors come from and what kind of solutions are available to help you overcome them. To find a compassionate, trauma-informed counselor, our offices are ready to help with your inquiries when you are comfortable reaching out.

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Infidelity in Your 50s: the Gray Affair

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By the time most couples are in their fifties, all of the children are grown and on their own. There are instances where some may have older children at home. The couple is approaching retirement, and they may feel like something is missing. When the dynamics of the home change, they find themselves facing relationship issues. Infidelity in marriage isn’t just something that can happen in younger couples.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. – Proverbs 3:3, NIV

Sadly, infidelity is becoming a common occurrence in older couples as they face a new dynamic in their relationship. This is causing more older couples to engage in gray affairs.

The Gray Affair

As Americans grow older, they are becoming more unsatisfied with their marriages. Older people are now engaging in affairs that often lead to divorce. With a new understanding of staying healthy, older people now find that they are more than just an older person without a purpose. Being an empty nest home also has an impact on how older couples view their lives. Many changes can affect how older couples gauge satisfaction.

Most people in the older couple age range are the Baby Boomers. This generation grew up with the notion that marriages had to last for the children. When the children are no longer in the equation, Baby Boomers find themselves trying to understand a new purpose.

Factors Associated with Gray Affairs

The question remains: Why is infidelity in marriage increasing in older couples? While there are many possibilities, some common explanations include the following:

Empty nest syndrome When children leave home, it can create a big shift in the dynamics of the household. This can cause couples to feel they no longer have anything in common.

Health problems Couples faced with chronic health conditions find they cannot cope with the issues. This can cause them to seek companionship elsewhere, leading to infidelity.

Change in expectations As people age, their expectations and priorities tend to change. People begin to look at how the relationship impacts their joy and fulfillment.

Growing apart When people grow older, their needs and interests change. Sometimes these changes are a factor in whether or not a couple stays close.

Does Christian counseling help with infidelity?

No matter what age the couple is, Christian marriage counseling can have a positive impact on the next step after infidelity in marriage. Just as with younger couples, there are many benefits of Christian marriage counseling for older couples who face infidelity. Consider a few of the ways Christian counseling can help a struggling marriage.

Managing financial changes The effect of retirement can impact a household’s finances. Counseling can help with understanding how to navigate these issues with better communication.

Handling grief and loss Older couples have experienced more grief and loss of family and friends. This can have an impact on how they see their future. Counseling can help them realign their focus on staying together and enjoying life as older adults.

Creating strategies to cope with changes Counseling can help the older couple develop strategies that will remove the anxiety and stress of changes due to aging.

Restoring emotional connections Older couples find themselves trying to connect emotionally after raising a family. Counseling can help address these issues that cause a chasm in the emotional aspect of the relationship.

Creating new communication skills Older couples’ communication changes over the years of raising a family. Now they have more time to sit and talk about things other than kids, schedules, and household planning. Counseling can help them have conversations that revolve around new expectations and interests.

Developing intimacy Intimacy in older couples involves rediscovering who the other person has become after raising kids and having a career. Counseling can help develop an understanding of what each person desires and how to reach mutual satisfaction.

How to Heal from Infidelity in Your Fifties

Regardless of how old a person is when they experience infidelity in marriage, they will face many emotions. It is vital to develop healing strategies to overcome the hurt in a healthy manner.

Some of the important things to remember are:

  • Don’t accept the blame for the situation alone. The person choosing to be unfaithful has responsibility in this situation.
  • It’s okay to have the feelings and emotions that will come with the hurt of infidelity. These are common and natural, but they don’t dictate what life should be like after unfaithfulness.
  • Keep thoughts away from trying to understand why or where the signs were missed. It doesn’t help to focus on what is unknown. Think positive and whole thoughts based on what Scripture says about God and His love for you.
  • Be sure to maintain self-care as healing begins. Just because your spouse was unfaithful doesn’t mean you are less than who you were. Your self is not connected to their choices. Choosing to continue with your healthy lifestyle will help in the healing process.
  • It’s okay to consider what you want concerning the situation. Infidelity doesn’t have to lead to divorce any more than it has to lead to restoration. Take time to consider the factors that make either option important to you.
  • If you feel like Christian counseling can help, connect with your local counseling service to make an appointment.

Christian Counseling for Infidelity in Newport Beach

Infidelity in marriage in couples over fifty is not as uncommon as one might think. The reasons are just as diverse for older couples as for younger couples. The choice to restore the marriage or get a divorce is something that each couple must discuss and choose for themselves. A Christian counselor in Newport Beach, California can help navigate the issues of infidelity in your marriage. Contact us at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to learn how a counselor can help.

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How to Manage Depression in a Relationship

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Depression takes its toll on a relationship. If your significant other suffers from depression, you may be no stranger to emotional distance, withdrawal, decreased libido, and mood swings. But depression is a mental condition and should be treated by a mental health professional, such as a Christian counselor in Newport Beach, California. There are things you can do to help your spouse and manage depression in a relationship.

Tips to Manage Depression in a Relationship

You can help manage depression in a relationship, but you will also want the help of a counselor to provide strategies and evidence-based methods. Remember, as you work with your spouse, that managing depression symptoms can take time, patience, and lifestyle changes.

Seek treatment together

Although it may be tempting to have your significant other attend counseling sessions on their own, and at times they must do so, consider attending couples counseling. The same counselor can preside over both. Through these sessions, you can learn how best to support your loved one while expressing how their depression affects you and the relationship. The counselor can also help establish boundaries and expectations within the relationship.

Keep communication open

Learn how to express your needs and wants and actively listen to your partner’s struggles. Depression is a mental condition, and they may not understand why they feel the way they do or how to manage the symptoms. Become a safe space for your loved one to confide, vent, and cry out to. Keep what they say confidential, even when they make you angry.

Do things together

Withdrawal and emotional unavailability are signs of depression in a relationship. Counteract this by including your partner in outings, movies, and discussions. Pay attention to when they seem to be drawing into themselves and away from the family. Everyone needs some alone time, but depression takes it to the extreme.

Taking your significant other’s personality into consideration, plan for romantic dates once a week or every other week. Plan inexpensive day trips to get away from family and home and bond with them.

Be supportive

Being supportive isn’t just listening to your partner. Being supportive also includes helping them to make healthy lifestyle choices to manage depression symptoms. For example, ultra-processed foods, alcohol, and drug use can exacerbate depression symptoms.

Help your loved one by offering to cook healthy dinners together, pack lunches, and get help for substance abuse. Some changes you may want to make together, such as limiting alcohol to one glass of wine a week.

Encourage exercise

Exercise promotes the release of feel-good hormones like serotonin and dopamine and decreases the stress hormone cortisol, which contributes to depression and anxiety. For a healthy body and mind, aim for 150 to 300 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise per week.

Speak to your family physician before starting any new exercise program. Once cleared, choose an activity you can do together. Maybe you lift weights at home, travel to the gym together, or jog in the park on the weekends. Find activities that you both enjoy and get excited about, and track your progress rather than focusing on the end goals.

Help create routines

Depression keeps people stuck. They lose motivation to do even the simplest tasks or activities they once enjoyed. Instilling a routine allows the person to operate on autopilot. The task gets accomplished, and the person can feel a sense of achievement.

For example, maybe have your loved one make the bed when they get dressed. Making the bed is a small task that many people overlook. However, when they make the bed, suddenly, the entire bedroom looks nicer, and they can check the task off their list. When they come home in the evening, they are greeted by a nice-looking and cozy bed. Try to keep routines short initially.

Take care of yourself

Don’t neglect your health during this time. Keep appointments, maintain personal hygiene, cultivate a positive mindset, and rely on God in this season. This, too, shall pass. God knows how challenging depression in a relationship can be. Call out to Him and ask Him to take control of the situation. Keep a watchful eye on your own physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

Christian Counseling for Depression in Newport Beach

Couples counseling in Newport Beach, California provides help for depression in a relationship. You can learn strategies to lessen the symptoms of depression and to rebuild the relationship. You will learn how to work together without compromising boundaries and reconnect emotionally and physically.

Contact our office today at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to schedule a session with a couples counselor in Newport Beach, California to discuss how psychological methods can help with depression in a relationship.

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Topics Covered in Christian Marriage Counseling

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Christian marriage counseling is available before and during the marriage. However, many people don’t realize that you can receive counseling before a problem arises in the relationship.

For example, a few sessions of Christian marriage counseling can prepare you to manage conflict, defuse angry situations, and open lines of communication to keep your marriage from losing ground.

Of course, it’s never too late to seek help. If you believe your marriage needs help, consider contacting a marriage counselor today.

How Christian Marriage Counseling Differs

Christian marriage counseling differs from mainstream counseling. Counseling in a Christian setting (whether in person or virtual) is based on a combination of Biblical principles and evidence-based psychology methods. Since faith is the foundation of a Believer’s life, it is the foundation of their therapy.

Christian marriage counseling acknowledges that sin and its consequences contribute to many issues in relationships. The counselor leads the couple to recognize their sin and repent, allowing them to experience the cleansing that only God’s grace and mercy can provide. This turning away from sin and striving to lead a Christ-like life means a fresh start for the marriage.

Commonly Covered Topics in Christian Marriage Counseling

Christian marriage counseling covers many topics. Whether you want to be prepared for future challenges or need help with a specific issue, Christian counseling has the solution.

Seeking help early is key. If you feel something is wrong and you’ve discussed it with your spouse, you may need assistance from an unbiased third party. Unlike a friend or family member, a counselor can teach strategies and skills that will serve you and your marriage for years to come. Counseling is also a safe space to share intimate details without judgment or ridicule.

The following is a list of common topics covered in Christian marriage counseling.

Communication Problems

Many marital problems stem from miscommunication. Often, we mimic our parents in our own relationships. If we come from a household where the adults did not discuss matters or turned to anger or silence when there was a problem, we might do the same.

Effective communication skills open the door to discussing matters and fostering understanding. Even if you cannot agree with your spouse, or a resolution is not easily found, communication skills make it possible to keep those lines open.

Anger Management

Anger clouds our vision and makes it impossible to hear what others are saying. We become convinced that our way is the only right way, or we lash out at others by slamming doors, throwing things, or verbally or physically hurting others.

Anger is not a sin. But allowing anger to become uncontrollable is a sin. How you react during a situation can bring peace or destruction. The Bible speaks of anger: “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” (Ephesians 4:26-27, NIV) Anger management skills can help you work through your anger and remain calm, allowing you to discuss problems rationally.

onflict Resolution

You can avoid escalating conflict with a few strategies. Counseling can equip you with skills in clear communication, active listening, anger management, and identifying the underlying issues that contribute to the conflict. It may be necessary to compromise or seek the help of a third party to resolve the problem.

Learning how to address the problem early, rather than allowing hurt feelings to fester, will save you heartache in the future. It may not be possible to resolve a conflict overnight, but making progress will help you both sleep better.

Financial Issues

Financial stress can overwhelm a marriage. Whether you are living beyond your means, the cost of living has increased, or you have excessive spending, it can lead to conflict. Add to that the cost of groceries and gasoline, college and daycare, and you may find that you argue more about money than any other issue.

Gambling and excessive spending also cause relationship problems in the family. A Christian counselor can help you identify the root of the problem and guide you through steps toward resolution, including budgeting, getting back on track, and paying off debt.

Sexual Problems

Sexual problems can strain the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Erectile dysfunction, low libido, vaginal dryness, Peyronie’s disease, hormonal issues, or sexual disinterest can leave both parties feeling neglected, insecure, and emotionally hurt. In some cases, this can lead to physical or emotional affairs.

Whatever the reasons, counseling can help both parties build emotional intimacy as you work on solutions for physical intimacy. Counseling takes place in a safe space, either in a quiet office at the center or virtually from the comfort of your own home. You learn to build trust and rely on each other beyond sex.

Establishing Boundaries with Extended Family

You may need to establish boundaries with extended family members. Your parents, siblings, and in-laws mean well, but their unannounced arrivals and late-night phone calls may cause more harm than good in your marriage. The same goes for family members who tend to assert themselves in arguments between you and your spouse.

It takes a firm word to set boundaries with others, but your relationship with your spouse must come first. Depending on the person, you may need to tell people to call before coming over to your house or to stay out of your arguments with your spouse. Discuss with your spouse where to draw the line. You may need to consider counseling if your spouse disagrees with boundaries and it’s causing conflict in the relationship.

Mental Disorders

Mental disorders can cause damage to the marriage as well as to other family members. The signs of a mental condition can leave lasting impressions on children or trigger a traumatic response in a spouse. Depending on the mental disorder, it can lead to neglect, abuse, or PTSD.

Help is readily available for mental health problems. The stigma once associated with mental disorders has slowly lifted, and millions of people seek help from mental health professionals. You don’t have to go through it alone, either. Most counseling centers encourage couples or family therapy to help a family member with a mental condition, as well as local or online support groups.

Addiction

Addiction in any form can tear a family apart, causing trust issues between husband and wife. Addiction can include alcohol, drugs, pornography, sex, gambling, tobacco/cigarettes, shopping, food, and internet/gaming. Any substance or action that you crave or find yourself acting on an impulse can be an addiction.

Some people cannot stop certain addictions immediately without supervised help. For example, a person with a heroin addiction will develop withdrawal symptoms after stopping the drug and will need to be closely monitored in a medical setting for any physical complications.

Other addictions, such as smoking or food/overeating, can be overcome by slowly making changes. Speak to a counselor about addiction and the best (and safest) way to manage symptoms and save your marriage.

Infidelity

Infidelity, adultery, affairs, and physical and emotional betrayal can end in divorce. The ramifications of this type of betrayal run deep. It can take years after an affair for a couple to make strides toward rebuilding their marriage. It is possible, but there are many painful obstacles to move past.

Christian counseling works with the couple to “fireproof” their marriage, to lean in closer to God, and to ask for His grace and mercy during this season. It is learning how to communicate and prioritize your spouse above all others. It’s about healing emotional wounds.

Christian Marriage Counseling in California

Looking for Christian marriage counseling in California. Contact us today to schedule an appointment with a Christian marriage counselor. Your counselor can meet with you in person or virtually at a time that fits your family’s needs. Call us today to get started.

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What You Can Expect from Christian Premarital Counseling in California

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The lead-up to a wedding is typically abuzz with excitement. A lot is going on at that time, including choosing venues, making decisions on color schemes and caterers, finalizing the budget and guest list, discussing whether to have live music or a DJ, and more.

As you and your intended make decisions about every facet of your wedding, the pressure can lead to an unintentional neglect of your relationship. One of the things a couple can do before and during this period of wedding preparations is attend Christian premarital counseling in California.

What is Christian premarital counseling for?

There are several unhelpful myths out there about premarital counseling, Christian or otherwise. Some believe that premarital counseling is the sort of thing that you do when you find your relationship riddled with problems, and you need to right the ship before you set sail, so to speak. Others believe that premarital counseling is only for religious people or if you want to get married in a church.

Christian premarital counseling isn’t a form of couples counseling reserved for floundering couples. Often, couples will seek counseling at a point in their relationship when they are at odds or facing a crisis. When couples seek counseling at this point, they may take a defensive posture against one another, making it harder to communicate their needs effectively as well as make meaningful progress toward resolving the issue.

Premarital counseling strengthens a relationship as part of the marriage preparation. Instead of waiting for the relationship to become strained before seeking help, premarital counseling helps a couple prepare for any serious issues before they arise in marriage. Premarital counseling helps a couple map out their future together.

A couple can use the wind in their sails as they head toward marriage to strengthen and deepen their relationship before they officially take that next step. Premarital counseling is thus not for religious folks only, or for couples going through a tough time. Rather, premarital counseling is a form of relational self-care, something a couple does in advance of any issues, but also during a tough season, too, if they choose.

Christian premarital counseling helps the couple talk about important issues that might become points of conflict later on. Talking about issues as diverse as money, parenting, infidelity, and roles in your future home helps you get on the same page, and premarital counseling equips you to work through these issues successfully.

How Christian Premarital Counseling Works

Christian premarital counseling sessions will vary depending on your counselor and the therapeutic technique they choose to use. However, there are some broad similarities in how premarital counseling works. To begin with, the initial sessions with your counselor will be for them to get to know you both so that they can identify your weaknesses, strengths, areas of potential conflict, as well as the ways you’re compatible.

During your sessions, you’ll share your life experiences, and your counselor will also observe your relationship dynamics. By sharing the life experiences that are significant to you both and that have shaped who you are and the expectations you carry into your relationship, you’ll gain deeper insight into your motivations and patterns in the relationship.

Premarital counseling in California also entails having conversations about important issues and questions that impact most marriages. Your counselor will lead you as you discuss topics such as how you and your partner plan to spend time together; how your finances will work; your beliefs and values (and how to handle these with respect and understanding); children and parenting, including whether you both want children, and how you’ll raise them.

Through your counseling sessions, the goal is to gain deeper insight into your future spouse, develop better communication skills, and shore up your strengths as a couple while getting on a growth trajectory in your areas of weakness.

What To Expect From Christian Premarital Counseling In California

In Christian premarital counseling in California, a counselor works with the couple or individual partners to pinpoint concerns, weaknesses, and strengths in the relationship. The partners can speak about their expectations and goals for the relationship, as well as identify steps taken to meet these goals and various challenges. As with other forms of premarital counseling, Christian premarital counseling helps couples better deal with conflict.

In addition to this, Christian premarital counseling in California will specifically offer couples a Christian understanding of marriage. Couples may understand marriage in a way that isn’t rooted in who Christ is and the ethos believers ought to live out in their marriage. Christian premarital counseling will also help couples understand how to use resources such as Scripture, prayer, and community in strengthening their marriage.

Christian premarital counseling may be challenging for several reasons. For one thing, because difficult and sensitive subjects will come up during the sessions, this may be a cause for anxiety or fear. These topics for discussion may highlight differences of opinion, and these differences may not be easily resolved. The couple may choose not to marry because of these differences, but they should discover this sooner rather than later.

Counseling provides the couple with a safe space to talk about difficult and sensitive topics, and some of these may stir painful thoughts and memories. For the couple to get the most out of it, it’s important to be truthful about their fears, doubts, goals, and expectations. It’s better to face these head-on, even though that might be hard in the short term. With the help of a licensed and trained counselor, the couple can work through this together.

There are many benefits of Christian premarital counseling in California. Your counseling sessions will equip you and your partner to handle the many slings and arrows that married life might direct your way. Faith-based pre-marriage therapy helps you to prepare to live a life together, and it helps you to face marriage with your partner realistically.

Benefits of Christian Premarital Counseling

It helps you view yourselves and your future life together realistically This allows you to plan for your future and set goals that will allow your marriage to flourish.

It will help you understand each other better By talking about what you believe, cherish, hope for, expect, and fear, you’re better placed to understand each other.

It will help improve your communication A healthy relationship requires good communication. Premarital counseling provides space for a couple to develop a working vocabulary so they can express complicated emotions, as well as share their opinions effectively without harming or shaming each other.

Address fears about marriage Premarital counseling takes a realistic look at what married life is like, and it can help to relieve anxieties about the future by taking a realistic look at what marriage will entail. Through premarital counseling, a couple will gain greater clarity about what marriage will be like.

Nurture skills regarding conflict resolution Some of the skills premarital counseling imparts include conflict resolution and proper handling of differences. Your counselor will teach you how to resolve problems respectfully and through constructive conversations.

Setting goals Premarital counseling helps a couple to start planning their life together and create a blueprint for their relationship. As the couple makes plans for their future, they can also learn how they make decisions and start setting patterns for how to handle their future life together.

Nurture mutual appreciation The process of premarital counseling helps you to gain a deeper appreciation of your strengths as an individual, as well as the positive aspects you possess as a couple. Seeing these things about yourself and each other helps you to develop a deeper sense of appreciation for one another.

Identify and unlearn dysfunctional patterns of behavior Another benefit of Christian premarital counseling is to identify dysfunction in how you think and behave. It goes beyond that by helping you both make use of gospel-rooted resources that can empower you to change and adopt healthy patterns.

Christian premarital counseling thus has many benefits, chiefly preparing you to have a healthy marriage with the right partner.

Next Steps

Christian premarital counseling in California aims to proactively identify and address any potential areas of conflict in a relationship before these become serious concerns. Through counseling, the spouses learn constructive and effective strategies for raising and resolving concerns without entering into prolonged conflict.

If you or your loved one is contemplating marriage, reach out to us at California Christian Counseling and schedule an appointment to speak with a Christian couples counselor in California to help you establish a strong foundation.

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Setting Personal Boundaries in Marriage: Examples and Techniques

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There is likely no more intimate human relationship than the one between a husband and wife. Our proximity to our spouse is like having a personal vanity mirror always bouncing our identities, faults, and traits back at us. It’s the sort of relationship where two people come together to share the entirety of their lives.

This marriage relationship is characterized by deep vulnerability, emotional and physical intimacy, exclusivity, and the ongoing commitment to do life together in ways that other relationships simply can’t hold a candle to. don’t. If you pause and think about it, there are things about marriage that simply cannot apply to other relationships, and it feels weird to try and do so.

You don’t commit to live with your friend for the rest of your lives, nor do you have the same obligations when it comes to your workplace and work relationships. There is something decidedly unique about the marital relationship. This makes it somewhat strange to talk about boundaries in marriage.

If we think about boundaries like boundary markers of what keeps things out or in, appropriate or inappropriate, understandably, talking about drawing such lines may feel counterproductive to connection.

Personal Boundaries in a Committed Relationship?

One of the ways marriage is described in Scripture is that “a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, NIV). There is a unison that occurs in marriage, and it doesn’t refer only to physical union through sexual intimacy, but the union of various aspects of their lives, such as where they live, their goals and plans, their finances, and so on.

Not one taking over the other, not one spouse consuming the other, or the relationship replacing the individuals’ identities, but two unique individuals embracing unity and making another whole thing, greater than the sum of its parts. 1+1=3 is the Kingdom math of relationships. Talking like this sets up the inevitable question about how the boundaries within a marriage can be if the two become one flesh.

The interesting thing about becoming one flesh is that whatever it means, it doesn’t mean you lose your individual existence. After all, if that were the case, there would be no need for Scripture to keep talking about the different and distinct roles and responsibilities of husbands and wives. Being one flesh doesn’t mean you stop being who you are as an individual.

A couple may be married, but it’s possible to have a situation in which one of them trusts in Jesus and the other does not (1 Corinthians 7:12-16). Marriage doesn’t take away the fact that you are who you are, or the fact that you have particular likes, dislikes, things you’re interested in, sensibilities, and your own sense of humor.

What marriage does is create space for two people to live together and love each other well. Loving each other well doesn’t mean becoming one another; it means considering everything that your spouse is and loving them as they are, even as you yearn for them to become who the Lord intended them to be. You love your spouse well by honoring who they are and acting in ways that speak love to who they are.

This reflects the relationship the three members of the Godhead have with each other and desire with us. To bring the glory and beauty out of each other by witnessing each other, elevating each other, and enjoying each other. Every relationship, if it is to be a healthy one, requires boundaries. These boundaries aren’t physical, per se, but they are lines that demarcate where one person ends, and the other person begins.

Each person has their limits, their own personality, things that they enjoy or don’t, and ways of being that are irreducibly them. Boundary lines like fencing on property overlooking a cliff, as C.S. Lewis might illustrate, are there for a reason, to keep fun safe and to prevent venturing into peril.

Personal boundaries can then become ways that individuals indicate their individuality, and as beings made in God’s image, their individuality is something the Lord purposely brought into being, even if it needs refinement to become more Christ-like. The Lord knit you in your mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13), and personal boundaries help you to protect who He made you to be. It’s a sad thing to be compelled to become someone else.

Examples of Personal Boundaries in Marriage

To understand personal boundaries and the place they may have in a marriage, it may be helpful to give a few examples of some boundaries. The point behind boundaries is that they help the individual define their identity, and they also help to establish limits and clear expectations in the relationship. They can also help to prevent emotional burnout, resentment, or unnecessary anger in the relationship.

Personal boundaries help to define who you are, what you’re comfortable with, and what your needs and expectations are of others. These boundaries can be about your emotions, your body, your time, money, work, how you handle digital space, and so much more.

Some examples of healthy personal boundaries in a marriage include respectful communication, such as no raised voices or name-calling; respecting each other’s opinions; not resorting to guilt-tripping or manipulation; and giving each other space to process things when needed. These standards help create a sense of emotional safety and respect in the relationship.

Time is an important aspect of our lives. Spouses might want alone time to pursue their hobbies, and also time for shared activities. To promote a healthy work-life balance, a couple may need to establish boundaries between work and life, for instance, by not checking work emails after 5 pm.

The couple can also set limits on social engagements and time spent with in-laws over the holidays. Another set of boundaries has to do with our bodies and could include personal space and delineating times and places where you don’t want to be touched.

When it comes to sexual intimacy, desires, limitations, and preferences can also be communicated, so no one feels pushed to do things they’re not comfortable with. There may also be boundaries regarding public displays of affection or private moments like dressing or using the bathroom.

Finances are often a source of conflict in relationships, and clear boundaries may be helpful. Boundaries may be set to determine shared budgeting or spending decisions; issues like debt need to be disclosed, discussed openly, and managed jointly; there may be boundaries like not lending money to loved ones; there may be limits on personal spending or maintaining individual financial autonomy.

Lastly, a couple may set boundaries about their digital lives. This includes whether they have access to each other’s devices or social media accounts; whether they can use phones during their shared time; setting limits on online interactions, for instance, not connecting with or following exes; respecting each other’s wishes about the kinds of things posted online about the family; and limiting screen time before or in bed.

Each couple will have boundaries that are unique to them as a couple and to each individual in the relationship. One of the key elements of having boundaries is that these need to be communicated openly with one’s spouse to establish boundaries that work for both spouses.

How to Set and Communicate Boundaries

When you set healthy boundaries, it works to strengthen your relationship by promoting mutual respect, trust, and understanding. It helps you to know how to love each other well because you know what your spouse wants, what’s important to them, and what will help make them feel seen and heard. The question then is: how do you effectively set and communicate boundaries?

It isn’t always possible to set boundaries before marriage. You might not even be fully aware that you have boundaries, or you haven’t communicated them as such. That’s okay. Some steps for setting and communicating your boundaries include the following: Self-reflect. Before you set or communicate your boundaries, take the time to reflect on your limits and needs.

What are some things that you consider non-negotiables, like your personal space or sense of emotional safety? Are there some areas where you’re currently feeling overwhelmed or disrespected? This may clue you in on the areas where you potentially need boundaries. Communicate your boundaries.

When you try to share your boundaries, make sure to be specific and clear about what you want. It’s important that you clearly define the boundaries and the expectations you have. For instance, you can say, “I need some focused time in the morning for work. Can I have the morning without interruptions?” Another example of a boundary is “I’m uncomfortable discussing sensitive topics with our friends around. Can we discuss this when we get home and we’re in private?”

When you communicate the boundary, it’s also important to set a consequence if the boundary isn’t respected. For instance, a consequence might be “If you keep interrupting me while I’m working, I’m afraid I’ll need to take a break and check out from the conversation.” You need to communicate your boundaries assertively. That means maintaining eye contact, maintaining a calm but firm tone, and avoiding passive-aggressive or aggressive language.

Show empathy and understanding toward your spouse, listen to their concerns and perspectives, and remain open to compromise. Also, use “I” statements to express yourself without blaming or shaming your spouse. Your boundaries are not a way to control your spouse or to get your own way.

They represent genuine needs and ought to be open to discussion and compromise. Part of living with another person is learning to bear one another’s burdens and creating healthy boundaries. Respecting one another’s boundaries is one way to love each other and bear each other’s burdens well.

Dealing with Violated Boundaries

After you’ve communicated your boundaries, should those boundaries be violated, be sure to address those violations promptly. Show an appreciation for boundaries that have been respected, and communicate any violations in the same way you communicated the boundary. Boundaries can and do shift with time and circumstance. Be flexible, remain open to compromise, and hold the line firmly where necessary.

It may be helpful to seek professional help to set, communicate, or address violated boundaries. Your counselor can help you by creating a safe and conducive environment to have these conversations and develop the necessary skills.

Mulling over not exploring your boundaries and sharing them with your partner is universal and understandable, too. It may feel intuitively more desirable and convenient not to share than to share them because you may think, “It’s the end of the day, my spouse and I are interacting in close quarters, ‘til death do us part. I don’t want to get on their bad side.” But with bad boundary definitions, they often already are on your bad side.

Precisely because you will be with your spouse, conceivably to the end, having those conversations around needs, wants, and preferences will smooth out in time your relational functioning, which will be a great gift to both of you in perpetuity compared to the short-term benefits of conflict avoidance in the near term.

Boundaries are like well-reasoned laws in a frontier town. They help settlers grow side by side and cultivate the land by following agreed-upon principles. They aren’t just the boundaries to not take my stuff or stay away at this time. Growth through limits. Love from restraint. The benefits of respect and care from boundaries. I can say they are boundless.

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Identifying Codependency in Friendships: Causes and Signs

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There’s a biblical proverb that says, “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24, NIV). Not all friendships are created equal; some friends are unreliable, while others share a bond stronger than even familial relationships. Your friendships could ruin you, but they can also be a necessary support for a rich and fulfilling life.

The result of all this is that friendships are great, but you need to exercise caution. There are some relationship dynamics, such as codependency, that you need to keep an eye on. These unhealthy dynamics not only affect your well-being, but they can also lead to poor choices that affect the course of your life. ‘Ruin’ may seem like a strong word, but unwise relationships can cause enormous amounts of damage.

What’s at the core of codependency?

The term ‘codependency’ is one that’s gained currency in the last decade or so. It describes a variety of unhealthy relationship behaviors that can be caused in several ways. However, at the heart of codependency is an underdeveloped or poor sense of self. If a person doesn’t develop a clear sense of who they are, their values, and their boundaries, they are more prone to developing codependent patterns of behavior in relationships with others.

Codependency and codependent behaviors involve a complicated mix of psychological, emotional, and relational dynamics that are at work in day-to-day interactions. Some of these include the desire to seek validation and approval externally from other people. Other dynamics include over-identifying and being enmeshed with others to the point where it’s hard to tell where they end, and you begin.

Codependency also includes a fear of rejection or abandonment, an inability to self-regulate one’s own emotions, poor emotional resilience, difficulty setting and maintaining good boundaries with others, and having low self-worth and self-esteem. In codependent relationships, there is a power imbalance and control issues, along with dysfunctional communication patterns like passive-aggressive behavior and criticism.

A codependent relationship is thus an unhealthy relationship. It doesn’t lend itself to one or both members flourishing. Often, the codependent dynamic serves to deepen unhealthy patterns of behavior that don’t shore up a healthy sense of self, nor does it promote a healthy self-sufficiency.

Some Underlying Causes of Codependency

There isn’t a single and straightforward path toward codependency. A person develops a poor sense of self and has difficulty maintaining healthy boundaries with others for a variety of reasons. The process of developing a healthy sense of self was often disrupted by experiences such as childhood trauma or experiences such as abandonment, or neglect. These can be in the form of a parent dying, parental divorce, or being literally abandoned.

Experiencing unhealthy family dynamics like parental substance abuse disorder or neglectful or inattentive parents can also lead to codependent behavior. In some cases, the child takes on the role of the parent to take care of themselves and their siblings in the place of the dysfunctional parent. The child learns to place themselves and their needs and wants after others.

Codependency can also develop as a result of an insecure attachment style. An attachment style is how you form and maintain relationships with others. An insecure attachment style may include a fear of abandonment. It leads to seeking reassurance of a loved one’s affections and also going above and beyond what’s healthy to keep a partner happy.

Depending on your situation, societal or cultural expectations can also play a role in nurturing codependency. If, for instance, there’s more of an emphasis on the collective – society, your local community, or the family – over the individual, that may lead to codependent behaviors. While it’s important to look out for others and love them well, it can be detrimental to do so without regard to personal well-being.

In addition to the above, personal values and beliefs can also lean into codependent dynamics. For instance, personal or religious beliefs could lead to an emphasis on self-sacrifice. If a person is a people pleaser who is unwilling or unable to say “no,” that too could lead to a situation of codependency.

Lastly, substance abuse or addiction, and dealing with mental health conditions such as anxiety or depression, may also lead to codependency, though via different routes. You may become overly reliant on others for day-to-day functioning due to these conditions. If you’re not intentional, those patterns may persist even after recovery. We all need help at one point or another, but it’s possible to lean into that pattern of need more than is necessary.

A person may thus form codependent patterns of relating to others when they’re young, but these patterns can also develop and set in later in life as well.

Signs of Codependency in Friendships

Being friends with someone means that you will help each other in a bind. Friends help each other, support one another in times of crisis, challenge unhealthy behaviors in each other, enjoy common interests together, and help one another become what the Lord intends for them to be. However, there are helpful and there are unhelpful and unhealthy ways to be present in someone’s life.

Some patterns of codependent behavior to look out for include:

  • It is difficult for you to say “no” to your friend or set limits to what you’re willing to do with and for them.
  • You perform enabling or rescuing behaviors toward your friend. Consistently swooping in to help your friend out of a jam of their own making.
  • In line with the inability to say “no,” you exhibit people-pleasing behavior and over-accommodate your friend.
  • Because of the inability to say “no,” you may lack the practice of self-care or prioritizing personal goals.
  • You feel overly responsible for your friend’s emotions or actions.
  • You feel emotionally or physically drained after interactions or time spent with your friend.
  • A fear of abandonment can result in the codependent tendency to tolerate abusive or toxic behavior from your friend, such as constant criticism, humiliation, being insulted, or being manipulated.
  • You have a fear of conflict or confrontation. This might look like faking agreement and not being willing to hold or express opinions or thoughts that are contrary to your friend.
  • You display passive-aggressive behavior toward your friend instead of telling them what you truly think and feel. Instead of being vulnerable, you express yourself and your feelings of anger in subtle, subversive ways. You may harbor feelings of resentment and anger toward your friend.

Codependent relationships can leave you feeling emotionally and physically burned out. They can also strain other relationships because of how all-consuming they can be. Not only do such relationships increase a person’s levels of anxiety or stress, but they also can increase the risk of depression. Codependency reinforces a loss of personal identity and autonomy.

Recovering from Codependent Patterns in a Friendship

A friendship, even a good friendship, can be overcome by codependent dynamics. If a friend is in trouble and you bail them out, that’s one thing. However, if you begin to fall into that pattern of relating to each other, a codependent dynamic can develop. A healthy friendship can become codependent in several ways, or it might commence between two people with codependent tendencies and patterns of behavior. Recovery, however, is possible.

Recovering from codependency is, among other things, about becoming more aware of the fact that your pattern of behavior with your friend is an unhealthy one. With introspection and spending time to be more self-aware, you could pinpoint how your relationship dynamic is unhealthy.

Apart from self-awareness, it’s important to put practices in place that will help you recover and develop a more secure sense of self. This includes taking steps such as boundary-setting and learning to be more assertive. It also means taking time out for self-care and prioritizing yourself, rebuilding your self-worth and self-esteem, and developing healthy communication skills so that you can express your thoughts and emotions well.

You can make use of support groups where you can share your concerns and learn from others. It may be necessary to take a break from your friendship so that you both can seek help. Both of you need to be willing to change things about yourself for the dynamics to change.

You and your friend can seek professional help to build resilience and other skills. Through individual counseling, you can build a healthy friendship. If you are ready for that step today, contact our office. We can set up an appointment to get you started with one of the therapists in our practice.

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Advice For the First Year of Marriage

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The first year of marriage is an exciting time. You finally married the love of your life. You’re excited about the future. You’re making plans, such as where you will live and when you plan to start a family.

But the first year of marriage can also be challenging. You are learning to live with one another and accept each other’s flaws. The newness begins to wear off, and you start to depend on each other for companionship.

Be prepared for the obstacles that may come along during your first year of marriage.

Advice for the First Year of Marriage

The first year of marriage can be rocky as you learn to lean on someone else while also maintaining your independence. This is the time to learn strategies in conflict resolution, anger management, and time management. Being on the same page regarding faith, household chores, finances, and expectations will go a long way in building a solid foundation for your relationship.

The following is a list of several tips for the first year of marriage.

Christian couples need Christ as the foundation

Christian couples need Jesus Christ as the foundation if they want to make it through the first year of marriage and beyond. Believers leading a Christ-led life will try to follow the principles Jesus taught and live by the fruit of the Holy Spirit. A home filled with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control is a home that people want to call home.

But you cannot fake the fruit of the Spirit. You may be able to convince someone that you have these qualities in the short term, but they will discover differently a few months into the marriage. Instead, foolproof your marriage by insisting that you both repent and give yourselves over to God and ask for the Holy Spirit to guide you both individually and as a couple.

Spend quality time together

Life gets busy, and it’s easy to take each other for granted. Don’t fall into that trap. Schedule quality time together. Make it part of your daily routine. This could be spending time watching television together or playing a game after dinner. It could be changing your work schedules to have Sundays off, so that the two of you can attend church and go out for an adventure afterward.

Guard your quality time. Others may ask for your time. Unless this is okay with your spouse, protect your time together.

But be your own person

Although quality time with your spouse is crucial for maintaining an emotional connection, you must also preserve your individuality. Pursue your own hobbies and interests, and encourage your spouse to do the same. For some couples, this may look like one person playing video games while the other reads on a Saturday morning. For other couples, it could be taking turns going out with friends.

Keep communication open when you plan to join friends or work on a hobby. Write it on a calendar that is posted where both of you can see it.

Keep yourselves honest

Don’t allow yourselves to go to bed while still angry. If you’re upset about something, tell your spouse how their actions made you feel. Don’t let emotions simmer until it feels like you might explode. Neither of you can read minds, so open communication is crucial.

Encourage honesty in your marriage. There may be times when honesty is painful, but it is essential for making informed decisions. For example, if your spouse feels that you are emotionally unavailable, don’t avoid the conversation. Find out why they think that way and seek counseling if you need it.

Place your relationship above all others

Learn to set boundaries in your relationship. Other people may try to intrude, especially initially, in the first year of marriage. In-laws may not understand why they cannot just stop over whenever they want. Establish boundaries with extended family and friends to protect your peace.

For example, you may need to set boundaries with family members about how late you will respond to a call or text message, or you may need to emphasize that they should call before stopping by your home. If you or your spouse always run errands for family members, you may need to allot a specific day and time to do this that does not interfere with your quality time.

Get on the same page with finances

Nothing triggers an argument like not being on the same page financially. If possible, discuss financial matters before marriage. Sit down and decide how you will manage bank accounts, savings, investments, and bill paying. Discuss large purchases with your spouse before making them and ensure that you both have access to the accounts.

Staying honest in marriage also extends to financial matters. If either of you has debt, work on it together. This is your first step to working as a team.

Practice patience

Little pet peeves can begin to break you down after the first few months of living together. Learn to practice patience. This might mean overlooking slights or helping your spouse through something they don’t understand. It means practicing empathy and putting yourself in their shoes.

If either of you has anger issues, seek help from a mental health professional. Anger management techniques learned during the first year of marriage will serve your relationship for decades to come.

Keep the romance alive

Part of your quality time together includes romance. Don’t get into a rut. Try new things and spice up your bedroom. Sometimes, just decluttering, cleaning, and redecorating the bedroom can give you a new lease of life in the romance area.

But romance is more than sex. You want to strengthen the emotional relationship you have. Make small gestures that show you love and appreciate your spouse. For example, make them a cup of coffee in the morning while they are getting dressed, or touch the small of their back as you walk by. It’s the little things that will keep you connected.

Support each other with household chores

No one really likes doing chores, but maintaining a clean and healthy home is essential for overall well-being. Support your spouse by helping out with chores. Some couples split chores between them, while others gravitate toward chores that their parents may have done.

Try to keep an open mind about chores. Perhaps your father only mowed the lawn once a week, while your mother cleaned the entire house and did the laundry. Neither of you is your parents, and you can manage your household in a way that best suits you and your schedules.

For example, you could keep a dry-erase board with a list of daily household tasks. When either of you has time, do a small task and check it off. Work as a team to keep a lovely and peaceful home.

Find help if you need it

Don’t be afraid to ask advice about marriage from people with long-lasting marriages. Often, pastors or older church members who have been married for decades can offer sound advice. Try to visit someone you trust as a couple. Never confide in someone of the opposite sex without your spouse with you. That could set you up for future problems.

If your church offers marriage counseling or a support group for newlyweds, consider joining. If not, you may locate support groups in your area. Alternatively, you can reach out to our counseling center to speak with a licensed marriage counselor.

Virtual Marriage Counseling Available

If you’re not sure how to approach your spouse about the above topics or need help in the first year of marriage and beyond, contact our office today. We will schedule a virtual session with a Christian counselor for you. If you prefer face-to-face sessions, those are also available. Call to get started today.

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Signs of a Toxic Relationship: How to Move Toward a Healthier Dynamic

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One of the most amazing gifts that the Lord has given us is the ability to form meaningful relationships with other people. Being able to share your life, your interests and passions, dreams, and all that you are with someone else can be an exhilarating experience. The moment of deep connection, of being understood and known, is unlike anything else. However, relationships do come with their own dangers.

Some of the deepest hurts we experience can come at the hands of those closest to us. These may be intentional or the result of thoughtless action, but the damage they can cause is incalculable. In an intimate relationship like a marriage or a committed romantic relationship, your sheer proximity and vulnerability to one another mean the wounds are often deeper, and there are more opportunities to inflict them.

If you’re in a toxic relationship, help is available to turn things around. It can be challenging to identify the harmful patterns in your relationship, own them, and begin making the necessary moves to turn things around.

What It Means to Be a Toxic Couple

When the Lord created us with the capacity to love others, what did He intend our relationships to be? At their best, relationships are a source of support, growth, spiritual edification, and flourishing. A healthy relationship can be for a person what a well-designed greenhouse is to a plant – a place of nurture, shelter, and the ability to flower and reach one’s full potential.

The storyline of the Bible tells us that something went horribly wrong, and when humans decided that they could name and discern what is good for themselves, things went off the rails (Genesis 3). The problem with each of us deciding what is good in our own eyes means that there can be a conflict between different ideas of what is ‘good’. When people pursue what’s good for them, it might not always be what’s good for others, too.

Relationships between people can become marked by deep dysfunction, destructive behaviors, and harm, whether emotional or physical. These patterns of dysfunction are what make a relationship toxic. Every couple has struggles, areas of disagreement, and challenges. Conflict is a part of every relationship, but there are healthy ways of navigating this conflict that don’t undermine well-being.

A toxic couple is not a couple that has occasional disagreements. Rather, a couple becomes toxic when they have persistent patterns of relating to each other that erode respect, love, and a foundation of mutual understanding. These patterns undermine the well-being of both parties, making it vital to be able to identify these patterns.

Signs You Might Be in a Toxic Relationship

A relationship is a little like a small ecosystem, where you have certain reliable patterns of behavior and ways of communicating with each other. You can become quite used to communicating or acting a certain way, and the oddity of what you’re doing might only emerge when you’re around other people.

There are some surprising signs of a toxic relationship, along with some more commonplace ones, including the following:

Walking on eggshells To maintain what feels like a fragile peace, one or both of you constantly tiptoe around each other’s emotions or behaviors, not wanting to stir up conflict or disagreements. A person might walk on eggshells out of fear of being physically or verbally abused by their partner.

Feeling drained or exhausted Instead of invigorating you, your relationship and interactions with each other leave you feeling physically exhausted or emotionally drained. Similarly, if you’re consistently anxious or stressed when you think about the relationship or interact with your partner, you may be in a toxic relationship.

Doubting your perceptions As we get older, we can become forgetful, and stress can affect us in strange ways, too. However, if your partner leads you to begin questioning your own reality, including your memories, feelings, thoughts, or opinions, that’s something much deeper and possibly abusive. Another word for this is “gaslighting.”

Emotional manipulation Another sign of toxic behavior is emotional manipulation, which is when a person uses anger, emotional withdrawal, guilt, self-pity, or other passive-aggressive means of expressing themselves as ways of controlling your behavior.

Criticism and contempt Instead of constructive criticism, your partner frequently criticizes you and makes you feel bad about yourself. Unhealthy criticism is the sort that is laced with sarcasm, belittling comments, and disdain. A lack of regard for each other, which can show up as contempt, is a clear sign of a toxic dynamic in a relationship.

Violating boundaries Boundaries help you maintain your individuality by demarcating where you end and another person begins. They also allow you to recognize your needs and when you need to meet them for your well-being. If you consistently disregard one another’s boundaries or ignore reasonable and stated needs, that is also suggestive of a toxic relationship.

Feeling isolated A form of toxic behavior includes controlling and manipulating one’s partner. These limits include limiting the other’s friendships, autonomy, personal growth, or movements. You may feel like you’re being isolated from loved ones or activities that you enjoy.

Not feeling heard Your partner doesn’t listen to you, or they aren’t responsive to or receptive to your perspective. In a similar vein, if your partner is dismissive of your concerns or is defensive when you try and raise issues, that is also a toxic pattern of behavior.

Unresolved conflict In a healthy relationship, issues are discussed and resolved in a way both parties can live with. A relationship in which issues aren’t resolved or are avoided altogether is problematic. Unresolved conflict can result in feelings of resentment and create emotional distance between the couple.

Lack of trust If a relationship is (unjustly) marked by frequent accusations, secrecy, and jealousy, that also points to a toxic relationship. These behaviors hinder intimacy and a sense of emotional security.

Codependency When boundaries aren’t maintained, that can lead to all sorts of problems, such as codependency. A couple can end up having an unhealthy reliance on each other, for the sake of their self-worth, emotional stability, or even their sense of identity. One possible outcome is compromising one’s values, identity, or interests to maintain the relationship, which is a toxic dynamic.

Being able to identify these signs of a toxic relationship can be a helpful first step for a couple seeking healing and a healthier relationship.

The Impact of a Toxic Relationship

A toxic relationship affects both individuals. Being the target of demeaning or critical comments affects you, undermining your confidence. In a different but related way, being overly critical and humiliating another person also warps your own soul, deforming you and your ability to display the image of God. We were made for love – to love and be loved – and toxic relationships rob us of that (Matthew 22:36-40; 1 John 3:11-24).

Some of the psychological and emotional consequences of a toxic relationship include low self-esteem, a distorted sense of self and self-worth, and mental health challenges like anxiety and depression.

When a person feels trapped in a toxic relationship, it can lead to feelings of isolation from the Lord. Being embroiled in constant conflict, being verbally or physically abused, or having one’s potential stifled can overshadow your journey and relationship with the Lord.

Lastly, a toxic relationship affects the couple directly, but its effects can ripple outward for generations to come, toward family, friends, or the couple’s children. Toxic behaviors can shape unhealthy ways of relating to others for the next generation, and that generation shapes the next, and so on.

Steps Toward a Healthier Relationship

When a couple has toxic patterns in their relationship, that’s not necessarily a death knell for their relationship. If there is a willingness to change, with intentional effort, support, and the transformative power of the gospel, the Lord can restore the relationship.

Self-reflection is a good place to start. Look through the signs of a toxic relationship and consider the patterns in your relationship. It’s important to take ownership of your behavior and not simply point out what the other party has done or is doing. As a couple, you must commit to growth together to overcome toxic patterns.

Another step is to have honest conversations where you can both express your feelings and concerns without being afraid of retaliation or judgment. Being able to listen well and with empathy is an important skill to learn and apply.

In any relationship, trust is an essential part of what makes the relationship work. When trust is broken, the only way to rebuild it is through transparency and consistent action that demonstrates trustworthiness. If apologies are made, they must be genuine and followed up with action. Trust is also rebuilt when forgiveness has been extended and there is an opportunity for another chance.

By setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, you can nurture respect and safety in the relationship. This work, and the work of learning how to deal with conflict effectively, growing in your communication abilities, can happen as you walk with a Christian counselor. Your counselor can provide you with guidance and effective strategies tailored to your situation and aimed at helping you develop a healthy and nurturing relationship.

To learn more about healing a toxic relationship through counseling, contact our office today. The Christian counselors in our network can help you develop a healthy and God-honoring relationship again.

Photos:
“At Odds”, Courtesy of Keira Burton, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Argument”, Courtesy of Keira Burton, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Unhappy Couple”, Courtesy of Vera Arsic, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Argument”, Courtesy of Alena Darmel, Pexels.com, CC0 License