What You Can Expect from Christian Premarital Counseling in California

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The lead-up to a wedding is typically abuzz with excitement. A lot is going on at that time, including choosing venues, making decisions on color schemes and caterers, finalizing the budget and guest list, discussing whether to have live music or a DJ, and more.

As you and your intended make decisions about every facet of your wedding, the pressure can lead to an unintentional neglect of your relationship. One of the things a couple can do before and during this period of wedding preparations is attend Christian premarital counseling in California.

What is Christian premarital counseling for?

There are several unhelpful myths out there about premarital counseling, Christian or otherwise. Some believe that premarital counseling is the sort of thing that you do when you find your relationship riddled with problems, and you need to right the ship before you set sail, so to speak. Others believe that premarital counseling is only for religious people or if you want to get married in a church.

Christian premarital counseling isn’t a form of couples counseling reserved for floundering couples. Often, couples will seek counseling at a point in their relationship when they are at odds or facing a crisis. When couples seek counseling at this point, they may take a defensive posture against one another, making it harder to communicate their needs effectively as well as make meaningful progress toward resolving the issue.

Premarital counseling strengthens a relationship as part of the marriage preparation. Instead of waiting for the relationship to become strained before seeking help, premarital counseling helps a couple prepare for any serious issues before they arise in marriage. Premarital counseling helps a couple map out their future together.

A couple can use the wind in their sails as they head toward marriage to strengthen and deepen their relationship before they officially take that next step. Premarital counseling is thus not for religious folks only, or for couples going through a tough time. Rather, premarital counseling is a form of relational self-care, something a couple does in advance of any issues, but also during a tough season, too, if they choose.

Christian premarital counseling helps the couple talk about important issues that might become points of conflict later on. Talking about issues as diverse as money, parenting, infidelity, and roles in your future home helps you get on the same page, and premarital counseling equips you to work through these issues successfully.

How Christian Premarital Counseling Works

Christian premarital counseling sessions will vary depending on your counselor and the therapeutic technique they choose to use. However, there are some broad similarities in how premarital counseling works. To begin with, the initial sessions with your counselor will be for them to get to know you both so that they can identify your weaknesses, strengths, areas of potential conflict, as well as the ways you’re compatible.

During your sessions, you’ll share your life experiences, and your counselor will also observe your relationship dynamics. By sharing the life experiences that are significant to you both and that have shaped who you are and the expectations you carry into your relationship, you’ll gain deeper insight into your motivations and patterns in the relationship.

Premarital counseling in California also entails having conversations about important issues and questions that impact most marriages. Your counselor will lead you as you discuss topics such as how you and your partner plan to spend time together; how your finances will work; your beliefs and values (and how to handle these with respect and understanding); children and parenting, including whether you both want children, and how you’ll raise them.

Through your counseling sessions, the goal is to gain deeper insight into your future spouse, develop better communication skills, and shore up your strengths as a couple while getting on a growth trajectory in your areas of weakness.

What To Expect From Christian Premarital Counseling In California

In Christian premarital counseling in California, a counselor works with the couple or individual partners to pinpoint concerns, weaknesses, and strengths in the relationship. The partners can speak about their expectations and goals for the relationship, as well as identify steps taken to meet these goals and various challenges. As with other forms of premarital counseling, Christian premarital counseling helps couples better deal with conflict.

In addition to this, Christian premarital counseling in California will specifically offer couples a Christian understanding of marriage. Couples may understand marriage in a way that isn’t rooted in who Christ is and the ethos believers ought to live out in their marriage. Christian premarital counseling will also help couples understand how to use resources such as Scripture, prayer, and community in strengthening their marriage.

Christian premarital counseling may be challenging for several reasons. For one thing, because difficult and sensitive subjects will come up during the sessions, this may be a cause for anxiety or fear. These topics for discussion may highlight differences of opinion, and these differences may not be easily resolved. The couple may choose not to marry because of these differences, but they should discover this sooner rather than later.

Counseling provides the couple with a safe space to talk about difficult and sensitive topics, and some of these may stir painful thoughts and memories. For the couple to get the most out of it, it’s important to be truthful about their fears, doubts, goals, and expectations. It’s better to face these head-on, even though that might be hard in the short term. With the help of a licensed and trained counselor, the couple can work through this together.

There are many benefits of Christian premarital counseling in California. Your counseling sessions will equip you and your partner to handle the many slings and arrows that married life might direct your way. Faith-based pre-marriage therapy helps you to prepare to live a life together, and it helps you to face marriage with your partner realistically.

Benefits of Christian Premarital Counseling

It helps you view yourselves and your future life together realistically This allows you to plan for your future and set goals that will allow your marriage to flourish.

It will help you understand each other better By talking about what you believe, cherish, hope for, expect, and fear, you’re better placed to understand each other.

It will help improve your communication A healthy relationship requires good communication. Premarital counseling provides space for a couple to develop a working vocabulary so they can express complicated emotions, as well as share their opinions effectively without harming or shaming each other.

Address fears about marriage Premarital counseling takes a realistic look at what married life is like, and it can help to relieve anxieties about the future by taking a realistic look at what marriage will entail. Through premarital counseling, a couple will gain greater clarity about what marriage will be like.

Nurture skills regarding conflict resolution Some of the skills premarital counseling imparts include conflict resolution and proper handling of differences. Your counselor will teach you how to resolve problems respectfully and through constructive conversations.

Setting goals Premarital counseling helps a couple to start planning their life together and create a blueprint for their relationship. As the couple makes plans for their future, they can also learn how they make decisions and start setting patterns for how to handle their future life together.

Nurture mutual appreciation The process of premarital counseling helps you to gain a deeper appreciation of your strengths as an individual, as well as the positive aspects you possess as a couple. Seeing these things about yourself and each other helps you to develop a deeper sense of appreciation for one another.

Identify and unlearn dysfunctional patterns of behavior Another benefit of Christian premarital counseling is to identify dysfunction in how you think and behave. It goes beyond that by helping you both make use of gospel-rooted resources that can empower you to change and adopt healthy patterns.

Christian premarital counseling thus has many benefits, chiefly preparing you to have a healthy marriage with the right partner.

Next Steps

Christian premarital counseling in California aims to proactively identify and address any potential areas of conflict in a relationship before these become serious concerns. Through counseling, the spouses learn constructive and effective strategies for raising and resolving concerns without entering into prolonged conflict.

If you or your loved one is contemplating marriage, reach out to us at California Christian Counseling and schedule an appointment to speak with a Christian couples counselor in California to help you establish a strong foundation.

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Signs of a Toxic Relationship: How to Move Toward a Healthier Dynamic

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One of the most amazing gifts that the Lord has given us is the ability to form meaningful relationships with other people. Being able to share your life, your interests and passions, dreams, and all that you are with someone else can be an exhilarating experience. The moment of deep connection, of being understood and known, is unlike anything else. However, relationships do come with their own dangers.

Some of the deepest hurts we experience can come at the hands of those closest to us. These may be intentional or the result of thoughtless action, but the damage they can cause is incalculable. In an intimate relationship like a marriage or a committed romantic relationship, your sheer proximity and vulnerability to one another mean the wounds are often deeper, and there are more opportunities to inflict them.

If you’re in a toxic relationship, help is available to turn things around. It can be challenging to identify the harmful patterns in your relationship, own them, and begin making the necessary moves to turn things around.

What It Means to Be a Toxic Couple

When the Lord created us with the capacity to love others, what did He intend our relationships to be? At their best, relationships are a source of support, growth, spiritual edification, and flourishing. A healthy relationship can be for a person what a well-designed greenhouse is to a plant – a place of nurture, shelter, and the ability to flower and reach one’s full potential.

The storyline of the Bible tells us that something went horribly wrong, and when humans decided that they could name and discern what is good for themselves, things went off the rails (Genesis 3). The problem with each of us deciding what is good in our own eyes means that there can be a conflict between different ideas of what is ‘good’. When people pursue what’s good for them, it might not always be what’s good for others, too.

Relationships between people can become marked by deep dysfunction, destructive behaviors, and harm, whether emotional or physical. These patterns of dysfunction are what make a relationship toxic. Every couple has struggles, areas of disagreement, and challenges. Conflict is a part of every relationship, but there are healthy ways of navigating this conflict that don’t undermine well-being.

A toxic couple is not a couple that has occasional disagreements. Rather, a couple becomes toxic when they have persistent patterns of relating to each other that erode respect, love, and a foundation of mutual understanding. These patterns undermine the well-being of both parties, making it vital to be able to identify these patterns.

Signs You Might Be in a Toxic Relationship

A relationship is a little like a small ecosystem, where you have certain reliable patterns of behavior and ways of communicating with each other. You can become quite used to communicating or acting a certain way, and the oddity of what you’re doing might only emerge when you’re around other people.

There are some surprising signs of a toxic relationship, along with some more commonplace ones, including the following:

Walking on eggshells To maintain what feels like a fragile peace, one or both of you constantly tiptoe around each other’s emotions or behaviors, not wanting to stir up conflict or disagreements. A person might walk on eggshells out of fear of being physically or verbally abused by their partner.

Feeling drained or exhausted Instead of invigorating you, your relationship and interactions with each other leave you feeling physically exhausted or emotionally drained. Similarly, if you’re consistently anxious or stressed when you think about the relationship or interact with your partner, you may be in a toxic relationship.

Doubting your perceptions As we get older, we can become forgetful, and stress can affect us in strange ways, too. However, if your partner leads you to begin questioning your own reality, including your memories, feelings, thoughts, or opinions, that’s something much deeper and possibly abusive. Another word for this is “gaslighting.”

Emotional manipulation Another sign of toxic behavior is emotional manipulation, which is when a person uses anger, emotional withdrawal, guilt, self-pity, or other passive-aggressive means of expressing themselves as ways of controlling your behavior.

Criticism and contempt Instead of constructive criticism, your partner frequently criticizes you and makes you feel bad about yourself. Unhealthy criticism is the sort that is laced with sarcasm, belittling comments, and disdain. A lack of regard for each other, which can show up as contempt, is a clear sign of a toxic dynamic in a relationship.

Violating boundaries Boundaries help you maintain your individuality by demarcating where you end and another person begins. They also allow you to recognize your needs and when you need to meet them for your well-being. If you consistently disregard one another’s boundaries or ignore reasonable and stated needs, that is also suggestive of a toxic relationship.

Feeling isolated A form of toxic behavior includes controlling and manipulating one’s partner. These limits include limiting the other’s friendships, autonomy, personal growth, or movements. You may feel like you’re being isolated from loved ones or activities that you enjoy.

Not feeling heard Your partner doesn’t listen to you, or they aren’t responsive to or receptive to your perspective. In a similar vein, if your partner is dismissive of your concerns or is defensive when you try and raise issues, that is also a toxic pattern of behavior.

Unresolved conflict In a healthy relationship, issues are discussed and resolved in a way both parties can live with. A relationship in which issues aren’t resolved or are avoided altogether is problematic. Unresolved conflict can result in feelings of resentment and create emotional distance between the couple.

Lack of trust If a relationship is (unjustly) marked by frequent accusations, secrecy, and jealousy, that also points to a toxic relationship. These behaviors hinder intimacy and a sense of emotional security.

Codependency When boundaries aren’t maintained, that can lead to all sorts of problems, such as codependency. A couple can end up having an unhealthy reliance on each other, for the sake of their self-worth, emotional stability, or even their sense of identity. One possible outcome is compromising one’s values, identity, or interests to maintain the relationship, which is a toxic dynamic.

Being able to identify these signs of a toxic relationship can be a helpful first step for a couple seeking healing and a healthier relationship.

The Impact of a Toxic Relationship

A toxic relationship affects both individuals. Being the target of demeaning or critical comments affects you, undermining your confidence. In a different but related way, being overly critical and humiliating another person also warps your own soul, deforming you and your ability to display the image of God. We were made for love – to love and be loved – and toxic relationships rob us of that (Matthew 22:36-40; 1 John 3:11-24).

Some of the psychological and emotional consequences of a toxic relationship include low self-esteem, a distorted sense of self and self-worth, and mental health challenges like anxiety and depression.

When a person feels trapped in a toxic relationship, it can lead to feelings of isolation from the Lord. Being embroiled in constant conflict, being verbally or physically abused, or having one’s potential stifled can overshadow your journey and relationship with the Lord.

Lastly, a toxic relationship affects the couple directly, but its effects can ripple outward for generations to come, toward family, friends, or the couple’s children. Toxic behaviors can shape unhealthy ways of relating to others for the next generation, and that generation shapes the next, and so on.

Steps Toward a Healthier Relationship

When a couple has toxic patterns in their relationship, that’s not necessarily a death knell for their relationship. If there is a willingness to change, with intentional effort, support, and the transformative power of the gospel, the Lord can restore the relationship.

Self-reflection is a good place to start. Look through the signs of a toxic relationship and consider the patterns in your relationship. It’s important to take ownership of your behavior and not simply point out what the other party has done or is doing. As a couple, you must commit to growth together to overcome toxic patterns.

Another step is to have honest conversations where you can both express your feelings and concerns without being afraid of retaliation or judgment. Being able to listen well and with empathy is an important skill to learn and apply.

In any relationship, trust is an essential part of what makes the relationship work. When trust is broken, the only way to rebuild it is through transparency and consistent action that demonstrates trustworthiness. If apologies are made, they must be genuine and followed up with action. Trust is also rebuilt when forgiveness has been extended and there is an opportunity for another chance.

By setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, you can nurture respect and safety in the relationship. This work, and the work of learning how to deal with conflict effectively, growing in your communication abilities, can happen as you walk with a Christian counselor. Your counselor can provide you with guidance and effective strategies tailored to your situation and aimed at helping you develop a healthy and nurturing relationship.

To learn more about healing a toxic relationship through counseling, contact our office today. The Christian counselors in our network can help you develop a healthy and God-honoring relationship again.

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15 Date Ideas for Couples

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One of the main purposes of dating is for two people to spend quality time together, connect with one another, share experiences, and get to know each other better. Looking for some fresh date ideas for couples? Newport Beach Christian Counseling can offer tips for strengthening your relationship and fostering deeper connections, whether it’s through fun activities or meaningful conversations. Here are fifteen suggestions below.

At the beginning of a relationship, dating provides an opportunity to explore your compatibility and potential suitability to become a long-term couple. Deeper into the relationship, it helps strengthen the connection between you and your spouse and keep romance alive.

Finding time for date nights can be challenging, especially if you have young children at home, but being intentional about setting aside time dedicated to focusing on each other can be a game changer that prevents your relationship from becoming stale.

Regular date nights enable you and your spouse to enjoy each other’s company without distractions, increase intimacy through shared activities, and strengthen the bond between you. It is also an important reminder that your relationship is a priority no matter how busy life gets.

According to relationship coach and author Jaime Bronstein, “One of the most important keys to a lasting relationship or marriage is never to stop dating.”

Commit to a weekly date and pencil it in on your calendar. Planning for a specific day and time gives you something to look forward to.

Date ideas for couples

Not all dates have to involve going out. Neither do they have to be expensive or even at night. Let’s consider some simple and inexpensive date ideas for couples you can try if you would like a change from the old standard dinner out and a movie.

Play a board game

Pick a couple of your favorite board games to play – or one long one like Monopoly. In addition to enabling you to relax and have fun, board games provide an opportunity for you to interact and engage in friendly competition while enjoying each other’s company.

Cook a meal together

Making your favorite dish together, or finding a new recipe to try, and enjoying the results, can be a fun, relaxing, interactive activity.

Plan a trip

Planning all the details of an upcoming adventure together enables you to bond over a shared experience.

Take a walk or hike together

Hiking enables you to talk without distractions while you enjoy nature and get some exercise.

Visit a museum or art exhibit

Find an interesting exhibit to explore and discuss what you see.

Play miniature golf

Miniature golf can be a relaxing, casual activity. Maybe place a fun wager on the game to add a little friendly competition to the fun.

Go for a boat ride

Go kayaking or spend a couple of relaxing hours on the water in a rowboat, paddleboat, or canoe.

Take a class together

Taking a class together is a fun way to share an experience while learning something new. If you need to keep costs down, look for a free tutorial on YouTube.

Have a picnic

Pack up a basket and find a secluded spot where you can hang out and enjoy the scenery while you eat. It can be as simple or as fancy as you want it to be. You can even have a picnic indoors.

Pretend you’re a tourist

Make believe you’re a tourist and go sightseeing around your town. Visit local landmarks, tourist attractions, and places you often pass but never go into.

Watch the sunset together

Reconnect with each other at the end of the day by finding a spot with a clear view of the horizon and watching the sunset together.

Look through old photos

Take a trip down memory lane while looking through old photos and reminiscing about the memories they bring up.

Recreate your first date

Recreating your first date or revisiting the place where you first met can be a fun and nostalgic way to spend time together and relive special memories.

Stargaze

Stargazing can be a peaceful way to spend time together. Download a stargazing app and see if you can find any constellations or planets.

Volunteer together

Whether it’s visiting a nursing home, serving at a soup kitchen, distributing blankets, taking shelter dogs for walks, picking up trash, or volunteering at a shelter, doing volunteer work together can strengthen your connection and appreciation for one another while you give back to your community.

If you are interested in looking for additional ways to strengthen the connection between you and your spouse beyond the date ideas for couples in this article and would like to set up an appointment to meet with one of the faith-based couples counselors, please don’t hesitate to give us a call at Newport Beach Christian Counseling.

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“Loving Couple”, Courtesy of Candice Picard, Unsplash.com, CC0 LicenseIf you are interested in your teen attending individual or group therapy, please reach out to us at The Colony Christian Counseling. We will arrange for you to meet with one of the faith-based counselors in The Colony, Texas.

Financial Questions to Discuss in Premarital Counseling

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One of the leading causes of arguments among married couples is finances. That may not sound very romantic to talk about as you plan your wedding, but it is important. If you want to minimize arguments, disagreements, and an area of strife that could lead to divorce, discussing financial questions in premarital counseling is essential. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help guide you through these important conversations.

In Matthew, Jesus reminds us, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:21, NIV) You and your future spouse need to be on the same page when it comes to your treasure, or what you value, including money. The Bible is full of instructions about money. This shows that money is an important topic to talk about and heed God’s instruction.

As you prepare for marriage, a counselor or pastor can guide you and your partner through some questions that will help you learn about one another and develop a plan for handling finances in your marriage.

Financial questions to discuss before you get married

Talk about these questions together in premarital counseling. Be honest and full of grace for one another as you learn and grow together.

Financial questions about the past.

Start by looking back. Talk with your partner about your past finances. Consider things like debt, earnings, spending, and saving habits. The more you share about your past, the less chance there is for something from your past to come between you. Here are questions to talk about regarding your financial past:

  • Do you have any debt? What kind and how much?
  • Have you ever had debt? How did you handle it?
  • What accounts do you have? How much money is in them?
  • Do you prefer to save or spend?
  • Have you ever used a budget? Why or why not?
  • Do you have any credit cards? If so, how do you use them?
  • Have you ever filed for bankruptcy? What happened?
  • Have you ever borrowed money from a family member or friend?

Financial questions for the start of your marriage.

As you begin your marriage, you can talk with your partner about how you want to start financially. Agreeing upon these things, or at least having mutual understanding, can help your marriage start on the right foot.

  • Will we have joint bank accounts, separate accounts, or a combination?
  • What is your current credit score?
  • Who will pay the bills?
  • When and how will we talk about money?
  • How much can we spend independently before we need to discuss the purchase?
  • How much money do we want to save each month?
  • Will we tithe or donate money? If so, how much?

Financial questions for the future of our marriage.

As you prepare for your marriage, it may seem silly to think far down the road. While your ideas may change over time, discussing these questions now will help you share your ideas and develop open communication about finances.

  • How will we make big purchases?
  • Are we saving for a house? How?
  • Will we have an emergency savings fund? How much and what is it used for?
  • Do we want to use credit cards regularly?
  • How will we handle money disputes?
  • How do we stay on the same page about finances?
  • Will both of us work if we start a family? If not, how will that affect our finances?
  • Will we save for our children’s education? How?
  • How do we feel about lending/gifting money to family or friends?
  • Who will we talk to when we disagree about money issues or have questions?

Premarital counseling and your finances

A counselor or pastor can help you and your partner have these conversations. It is helpful to discuss them in this season with an unbiased third party. They can help you handle any disagreements, encourage you to go deeper, and help you consider things you may not otherwise think of.

Connect with a counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to start your marriage on a strong financial footing.

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Premarital Counseling: Strengthening Your Future Marriage

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For some, getting married is the fulfillment of a long-held dream. Finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with is no mean feat. The world of dating is peppered with false starts, dead ends, unmet promises, people who aren’t what we thought they were, and much more. So, when you make it through that minefield and find that person you love and want to build a life with, that’s cause for celebration.

Having gone through the dating ordeal and confirmed your intentions for one another, talking about premarital counseling seems like putting one last obstacle in your way just before the finish line. Do you need premarital counseling, or is it something for people who aren’t sure about what they want? Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers faith-based premarital counseling to help couples strengthen their foundation, improve communication, and prepare for a lasting, Christ-centered marriage.

The broad consensus is that doing premarital counseling is a wise decision for couples. Instead of looking at it as an obstacle to your happiness or a buzzkill for the planning around color schemes and your wedding menu, premarital counseling is one of the cornerstones in building your marriage.

It’s a vital step that will challenge you, but it will strengthen your commitment to one another while giving you the tools you need to navigate married life. It will confirm that you made the right decision to marry your beloved or provide you with insight and wisdom into your relationship so that you make an informed decision about the future.

What is the value of premarital counseling?

The value of premarital counseling is that it will help you prepare for married life with your partner. Pre-marriage counseling provides you with a space to reflect on aspects of your future lives together that will be vital for a flourishing and committed marriage. Sometimes, in the thrill of our intoxicating emotional connection with our partner, we don’t always ask the probing questions we ought to.

Or we simply assume that we’re on the same page about everything, even though we may not have gone into the specifics. Pre-marriage counseling is infinitely practical, getting you into those conversations that will make sure that as you set off on your life together you are united in purpose, clear about your expectations of one another and your relationship, and you have the skills you need to manage conflict well.

What kind of questions will come up?

Pre-marriage counseling covers a wide range of topics for discussion. Depending on your sessions and areas that need more focus than others, you may cover some or all these questions in depth.

Finances

Some of the fiercest and most common fights in marriage are about money. Money has a significant impact on your married life, from where you live, what you eat, whether you can take vacations, and what charities you can support financially.

There are many decisions to make that concern money in a relationship, and these include who works (one of you may earn enough to support you both, or both of you may need to work to support your family), who handles the finances (balancing the checkbook, managing your savings and investments), how will you use money in your spending, saving, investing, and giving.

These and other decisions need to be made within a marriage, and pre-marriage counseling addresses these so that the couple thinks through the practicalities of their married life.

Children

Another important question for a couple is whether they want children. How many children would you want to have? If biological children aren’t an option, would you consider adoption? Some couples find out when they do marriage counseling that their partner doesn’t want to have children, and they may want a house full of them.

Being clear about your hopes and expectations can save you from heartache later. During sessions you may also think through your own parenting beliefs and styles, to discern whether you are on the same page and share the same values around raising children.

Relating to family

In many cases, the couple that plans to get married is part of an extended family. Some people are close to their families, while others aren’t. Depending on those relationships, a couple may need to figure out practical things like where they will spend the holidays, how involved they want the family to be in their lives, and who will broach the subject if there’s an issue with the in-laws. The couple will need to set boundaries that work for both partners.

Goals and goal setting

Pre-marriage counseling can help a couple to speak openly about their life goals as individuals and as a couple, along with helping them be effective in setting and meeting goals together. Perhaps one of you wants to go to school, and you’ll have to work out for how long, how you will afford it, and then pivot to focus on the other partner’s development.

The goals can be renegotiated later but agreeing on goals and setting expectations early helps with accountability for a couple. Additionally, during pre-marriage counseling, a couple can be taught how to set and meet goals together.

Roles and distribution of tasks

The families that we grew up in taught and gave us our basic ideas of who does what in the family. Those ideas may change over time, but they are often our first and most important influences in that respect.

The times have changed, and more than ever there needs to be a discussion about what roles each partner assumes. Some people passionately believe that the man takes a leading role, while others would hold to equality in all things. Who does the dishes, who takes the car for a service, who works, or who takes care of the kids?

Each of us may think the answer to those questions is obvious, but too many couples find that their assumptions are wrong. A couple may choose to divide tasks according to capability, or they may stick to traditional roles in some things while mixing it up in others. The point is, each couple must figure out what works for them, and the starting point is asking probing questions.

Spirituality

For people of faith, their relationship with God is important and they want to nurture it. How will you cultivate this relationship? At which church community will you make your home? This is important and relevant if you aren’t in the same community.

Will you pray, fast, and read Scripture together or separately? How will you keep one another accountable and growing? Through this process, you may discover that you may have radically different or opposing ideas about spirituality, which means that tough decisions lie ahead.

Sex

Sex is a huge part of the physical and emotional connection between a couple. Questions will have to be answered about each person’s expectations about sex. How frequently does one expect it? What are the boundaries you’re establishing about sexual intimacy? These and other questions must be asked to ensure that this aspect of their lives is also addressed.

Time

With busy lives taken up by various commitments, how a couple uses their leisure time is another key area to reflect on. How will you use your leisure time? Will you use it to volunteer, chill at home and watch tv, start a sport or a hobby, or spend time with friends? When children come into the picture, how you use your time may need to be renegotiated as your priorities and commitments shift.

Conflict

Lastly, though a couple may hate to think it, there will be some disagreements and conflict that arises within a relationship. Each person handles conflict differently. Some avoid conflict, preferring not to bring up thorny issues, while others are confrontational.

Pre-marriage counseling can help a couple to figure out their individual “conflict style,” developing their communication skills, along with how to help one another address conflict in a healthy way so that you address the issue and don’t attack each other. Being able to manage conflict will go a long way to helping a couple face life’s struggles together.

Is premarital counseling right for you?

Premarital counseling is advisable for all couples, regardless of their age, ethnicity, socio-economic background, level of education, or whether they’ve been married before. Addressing issues ahead of time and gleaning wisdom to conduct your marriage wisely are some of the benefits of pre-marriage counseling.

Premarital counseling spaces can be found within religious institutions such as churches, but the services are also offered at community centers and private practices. You can even access pre-marriage counseling services online if your work hours or other obstacles don’t permit an in-person visit.

Whether in private sessions with a counselor or as part of a group with couples walking the journey toward marriage together, taking up pre-marriage counseling may be the best thing you can do to prepare for and strengthen the foundation of your future marriage. Newport Beach Christian Counseling provides faith-based premarital counseling to equip couples with the tools they need for a strong, Christ-centered relationship.

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8 Important Pre-Marriage Counseling Questions

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As you approach engagement or if you are newly engaged, it is important to the start of a thriving and successful marriage to take time to learn more about your significant other. This often means having difficult conversations, talking about the future, and digging deeper into your past to discover how it made you into who you are today and where you hope to go.

It is better to have important and life-shaping conversations before you vow to spend your lives together. These conversations can help you discover any red flags or draw you closer to one another as you prepare to spend your lives together, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers guidance to help couples navigate these crucial discussions with wisdom and faith.

Having important conversations before you wed can help you set realistic expectations for your marriage, improve your communication skills, and strive to improve your conflict-resolution skills before you face any major relationship challenges and barriers.

Greg Smalley said, “Make it your goal to create a marriage that feels like the safest place on earth.” The goal of marriage is not to appear perfect all the time, the goal is to create a safe place for pure authenticity between two people.

Pre-Marriage Counseling Questions to Ask Before You Say “I Do”

Here are a few questions to delve into with your significant other as you prepare to say “I do”:

1. What does a marriage commitment mean to you?

It is important to talk through commitment and what it means to each of you. Once you walk down the aisle and vow to spend your lives together, does that mean through thick and thin? Does that mean you vow to keep working even when you feel disconnected and distant from one another? What does that mean when one of you gets a job offer in a different place? Take time to talk through marriage commitment and why you were drawn to your significant other.

Henry Ward Beecher said, “Every successful marriage is the result of two people working diligently and skillfully to cultivate their love.” Spoiler alert: marriages face difficult seasons, therefore having these conversations and vowing to put the work into your marriage will help it grow and thrive on a beautiful level.

2. What are your life goals?

You must talk through your life goals, not only so your spouse can support you, but so that you can support them. Ask one another about your personal goals, career goals, and spiritual goals. What dreams do you have for your marriage? Do you hope to retire to the Arizona desert and start a nonprofit one day? Dreaming big together can draw you closer and help you support one another now and in the future.

3. What is your financial plan?

The battle with finances and how to handle finances is one of the major causes of fighting and disagreements in marriage. Engaged and married couples must continue to have financial conversations and plan together. Sit down and create a financial plan. Put your expenses on paper. See if you need to cut any expenses so you are not living hand-to-mouth.

Take time to talk through the plan for handling money:

  • Will you have separate bank accounts, joint checking accounts, or both?
  • Who will pay the bills?
  • How will you handle disagreements about how money should be spent?
  • Do you plan and agree to have full financial disclosure with your spouse?
  • What kind of debt are you going into marriage with?
  • Do you have or plan to have credit cards?
  • What is your credit score goal and how can you work together to get there?
  • Will you have an emergency savings fund?
  • Do you plan to start saving for a home or another major first purchase together?
  • Do you plan to start savings accounts for your children?

4. What is your plan for living arrangements?

If you both have your own place right now, what is your plan once you are married? Where do you hope to live once you begin having children? Talking through your plans can help alleviate stress and begin your journey in the best way possible. Establishing healthy communication is one of the best things you can do for your marriage relationship.

5. What are your desires for growing your family?

Some couples wait until years into their marriage to talk about their hopes and dreams for a family. To avoid miscommunication in the future, it is helpful to just talk through what you pray for someday. Do you hope to have children? Are you wanting a big family or a small family?

Have you had an abortion in the past that you have not discussed with your significant other? Do you hope to raise your child in church? What are your hopes and dreams for your family? Do you hope mom stays home with the children or do you hope to continue working?

How did your childhood impact your hopes and dreams of having a family? If you were raised in an abusive home and previously felt reluctant to tell your significant other, now is the time. If there were parts of your childhood and upbringing that made you into the person you are today and hope the same for your family, share those memories and dreams.

6. What are your mutual expectations?

Talking through various parts of your life and relationship can help avoid major disagreements and fallout in the future. Just talking through mutual expectations for your marriage can help cut those disagreements and frustrations in half. It is crucial to know that couples will have disagreements. Marriage is a game of working together to find common ground.

  • Will you spend holidays rotating between both sides of your family?
  • How will you support one another through chaotic work seasons?
  • What are your hopes for physical intimacy?
  • Do you hope to attend church together?
  • What kind of relationship do you hope your children have with your parents?
  • How will you continue dating one another?
  • Do you hope to continue date night once a week?
  • Do you agree on time with friends – separately and together?

“Behind every great relationship are difficult and uncomfortable conversations we rarely get to see. Great relationships don’t just fall into our laps. They require people to move through their fears and insecurities and do the hard work to move wounds into healing.” – Vienna Pharaon

7. How will you resolve conflicts?

Having a plan for resolving conflict is one that every relationship can benefit from. If you are having a conversation that continues to escalate, how can you manage it before it spins out of control? Can you ask each other for a timeout to calm down and take a deep breath? Are you willing to get creative with your critical thinking skills?

8. What does your spiritual life mean to you and for your marriage?

I pray that your love for each other will overflow more and more and that you will keep on growing in your knowledge and understanding. – Philippians 1:9

To marry someone of like faith is the beginning of a beautiful and one-of-a-kind love story. Marriage, God’s way, is a marriage of forgiveness, grace, compassion, and unique and selfless love. As you begin to embark on your journey together, take time to set goals, pray for your significant other, pray as a couple, and let your faith live larger and louder than your fear.

It is important to realize before you say “I do” that marriage is a journey, not a destination. You will face difficulties. You will have disagreements. You will make up and work through disagreements. You will have seasons of disconnect. You will have seasons of beautiful and one-of-a-kind connection. Marriage is a beautiful ride and one that is worth the difficult conversations.

Christian Premarital Counseling

As you prepare for marriage, consider pre-marriage counseling to help work through these topics and to help you set realistic expectations for your marriage, improve your communication skills, and strive to improve your conflict-resolution skills before you face any major relationship challenges and barriers. You can invest in the future of your marriage by attending pre-marital counseling with a counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling who wants to see your relationship soar.

Photos:
“Holding Pinkies”, Courtesy of Jasmine Wallace Carter, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Save the Date”, Courtesy of Olya Kobruseva, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Surprise Proposal”, Courtesy of Radu Florin, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Forehead Kiss”, Courtesy of Jonathan Borba, Pexels.com, CC0 License

What Does the Bible Say About Marriage? 6 Truths from God’s Word

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Have you ever wondered, “What does the Bible say about marriage?” If so, this article is for you. In the beginning, when the world was young and harmony reigned, God blessed the first marriage, between Adam and Eve. After Adam was created, there was nothing in the creation like him, and God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone”. God created and brought Eve to Adam. Created in God’s image and Adam’s equal, Eve was “bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh” as Adam put it.

Adam and Eve had one another in this brave new world – someone who was an equal but different and complementary. Since people are made in God’s image, it makes sense that Adam and Eve had an innate desire for relationship and that it wouldn’t be good for either of them to be alone. As descendants of Adam and Eve, all of us are the result of this first marriage.

Cut to the 21st century, where many struggle with the relevance of the institution of marriage. Despite our difficulties with marriage, there is a beauty to the way marriage brings two lives together and the two become one flesh, one new family unit when they leave their parents and cleave to one another (Genesis 2:24).

This “leaving and cleaving” creates a committed space of unashamed intimacy within which a man and woman build a life together. What can we continue to learn from the Bible about marriage? Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help couples explore these biblical principles in their relationship, guiding them towards a stronger and more loving marriage.

What Does the Bible Say About Marriage?

It is good

One of the things the Bible says about marriage is that it is good. The book of ancient wisdom called Proverbs puts it this way: “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22). Presumably, she who finds a husband also finds what is good.

Again, this makes sense in light of human nature and our inclination toward being in relationship with others, including this most intimate of human relationships. The marriage relationship is a life-long commitment (Romans 7:2). All things being equal, weddings are generally a time of celebration.

In some liturgies, the wedding at Cana (John 2:1-11) where Jesus turned water into wine is mentioned as another divine endorsement of marriage. If God was behind marriage when the world was perfect and the specter of arguments and divorce was absent, the wedding at Cana shows us God still endorsing marriage even in our broken world. It is good, and it is worth celebrating.

It is a mystery

Of all the things one could say about marriage, one apt description is that it is a mystery. It’s a mystery in a least two ways. First, despite our culture’s fractious relationship with marriage, the vast majority of people are still drawn towards making the public and lifelong commitment that is marriage.

Second, and more important, reflecting on marriage while writing to Christians in the city of Ephesus, the apostle Paul brings up what was said in Genesis 2 and reminds these believers that when two people get married, something monumental takes place – the two become one flesh.

But then he says that human marriage is an echo of the relationship that Jesus has with his church. This is a “profound mystery”, he says (Ephesians 5:32). It’s a bit mind-bending, but human marriage is patterned after and is an echo of the relationship between Christ and his people. Getting married draws you inadvertently into something beyond yourself, something timeless and cosmic – profound mystery indeed.

It isn’t for everyone

Even though marriage is a good gift, it isn’t for everyone. There are some for whom the celibate life is their calling. Both Jesus and Paul make this point. Some people have made the choice to remain single “for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.” Jesus continues, saying, “Let the one who is able to receive this receive it” (Matthew 19:12).

In other words, some people may decide to stay single to maintain an unswerving focus on the kingdom. Paul puts it this way:

Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him…if you do marry, you have not sinned… I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. – 1 Corinthians 7:17, 28, 32

In other words, if you want to get married, that’s great, but marriage comes with certain responsibilities or anxieties, and you must be aware of that. If you want to stay single, that’s also great. The single life enables a certain kind of unbroken focus on the kingdom. In other words, the calling toward either marriage or singleness is morally neutral; each life comes with its own joys and burdens.

It’s not perfect

Marriage is not perfect because the people in it aren’t perfect. The reality is that people no longer get married in the blissful context of Genesis 1 and 2. Married life is now way more complicated than that. Coming after Adam and Eve and their rebellion, all marriage now happens in the context and shadow of Genesis 3.

Adam went from composing poetry for Eve, his beloved wife, saying, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (Genesis 2:23) to blaming her for his disobedience of God’s command: “The woman you put here with me – she gave me some of the fruit from the tree, and I ate it”, he says (Genesis 3:12).

She’s now merely “The woman”. Humanity moved from loving adoration to shifting blame to one another, from being both “naked and unashamed” (Genesis 2:25) to covering our nakedness and hiding ourselves and our motives from one another and God.

Instead of mutual care and self-giving, there is now selfishness, inordinate desire and seeking dominance over the other (Genesis 3:16). Sin entered our lives, complicating and twisting this beautiful relationship given to us by God.

It should be protected

Because we are not perfect and we’re getting married in a post-Genesis 3 world, marriages are fragile and need protection from the people in (and those not in) them. The Bible is full of warnings against adultery, but it also concerns itself with harmful attitudes between husbands and wives that undermine love, mutual appreciation, warmth, forgiveness and so on.

It also addresses the harmful attitudes of others who are not in the marriage and who don’t take the marriage covenant seriously. The letter to the Hebrews says, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and the sexually immoral” (Hebrews 13:4).

God is aware of the world we live in, the temptations and challenges we encounter in daily life. Sometimes the spouses in a marriage, or the people close to them, don’t honor the marriage covenant. This can have dire consequences for all involved.

It’s a partnership

A marriage is a partnership in which both spouses have a role to play and something to contribute to the nurture and health of the relationship, and any children that may come from the marriage. Both the husband and wife have a role to play in instructing their children and in how they relate to each other.

“Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction,” says Proverbs 1:8, “and do not forsake your mother’s teaching”. Paul talks about the framework within which our relationships work. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”, he writes in Ephesians 5:21.

There is to be a conciliatory attitude in the marriage relationship to help that relationship flourish, so when we talk about “submission” and “loving one another,” it is not about sublimating your personality or strength but about leveraging it toward making the marriage work. This requires the work and wisdom of the Holy Spirit in us.

Christian Couples Counseling

Our marriages need strengthening and for us to grow in listening, handling conflict and hardship in a constructive manner. Couples counseling is a great way to continue this growth and address any underlying unaddressed issues so that your marriage flourishes.

Whether you are encountering persistent difficulties within your marriage or simply want to continue working toward a flourishing marriage, prayerfully consider Christian couples counseling with your spouse. Newport Beach Christian Counseling is here to support couples in strengthening their bond, enhancing communication, and growing together in faith.

Photos:
“Bride and Groom”, Courtesy of Nathan Dumlao, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Wedding in Abruzzo”, Courtesy of Foto Pettine, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Love”, Courtesy of freestocks, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Putting the Ring on the Finger”, Courtesy of Sir Manuel, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Premarital Counseling for Today’s Generation

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Many couples are reflecting on how 2020 went for them and wondering how 2021 will treat them. We noticed a boom of weddings in 2020 despite the pandemic. This encouraged many to get engaged and to hopefully get married in 2021. We may wonder why people are getting married, and it could be as simple a matter as singles and dating couples being tired of living alone.

The pandemic has brought many issues to the surface, such as depression due to constant isolation and anxiety when alone. Autophobia is the fear of being alone and is especially difficult the older you are. Undoubtedly, families and couples did better than singles while being left alone for such a long time during the pandemic. Newport Beach Christian Counseling provides support for individuals dealing with isolation, anxiety, and other challenges that have surfaced during these difficult times.

Although some took the risk of going out during the outbreak, many had no option but to stay at home out of concern for a loved one. This woke up many men and women to consider moving forward with their partners toward marriage. This is a noble solution to the problem of being alone. Wisdom would say that although it’s great to get married, we must build solidly to have a long-lasting marriage.

As a minister, I notice that couples in our church tend to rush into marriage but many, if not all, of these couples wisely seek advice. The pandemic is causing doubts and questions for possible weddings of 2021 such as financial costs, wedding attendance, where to live, school, jobs, family distance, etc.

A blessing in disguise of the pandemic is that it is helping couples to work through these issues with others, which is helping them to count the cost of moving forward.

Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you, saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish.’ – Luke 14:28-30

These couples cannot afford to put up money for a big wedding, and they are wondering where to live because, if the pandemic extends, they want to know could they be safe, and what is around them in walking distance i.e., parks, beach, trails, stores, etc. With this in mind, partners are asking one another about pre-marital counseling.

Premarital counseling is a foundational precursor to a healthy marriage because we tend to invest in what’s important to us. The passage in Luke helps us to consider how we are building. Couples aren’t just “fools rush in”, there is an alternative that can support a stronger relationship that will remain resilient during challenging times.

Sadly, many couples also ended their relationship in 2020 because the pandemic tested them beyond their capabilities and forced them to tap out. Couples’ characters were exposed and with the added pressures of isolation, they had no one to turn to. These marriages had little to no support that otherwise could have been of immense help.

The question is, why didn’t these couples have support? We could chalk it up to many possibilities, but one vital reason could be that it wasn’t discussed at their premarital counseling. We all have friends, but we don’t turn to them to get input especially about sensitive material as insecurities, sexual intimacy, conflict, jealousy, deceit, secrets, etc.

If adequate support is not set up in advance this challenge can be difficult to overcome. We all need support to move forward in life. We all appreciate the heroic stories of individuals, but the most encouraging ones are the teams of heroes that show everyone’s strengths and weaknesses.

The Avengers, Justice League, and Star Wars are all some of the biggest box office hits in the last decade. The reason for their success is that they are teams fighting off a great evil. These have become bigger revenue-generating franchises and have overtaken the individual hero’s place as top of the box office king. Why do we have less enthusiasm about being a team in our marriages? Marriage is a perfect opportunity to be a team and have others team up to helps us.

Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

– Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

This is an interesting passage for couples because if my partner and I are one then who is going to help our one unit? Some may suggest that spouses are the other individual to help them out, but we can challenge that position by reminding everyone of the goal that God designed in Genesis 2:24 “the two will become one.”

By that principle, a couple who follows the word of God is one unit. The secret of Christian marriage is that we get to celebrate two lives joined together in holy matrimony, yet they are not alone. In the kingdom of God, we have support and guidance to face any issue. Marriages should never be alone. As separate individuals, we can support one another and maximize the potential of our unions.

2021 is going to be a full year of many couples dating, getting engaged, then married. Families will begin and many joyous occasions will take place. During those moments there will be stress and anxiety and one way to combat those symptoms will be to get premarital counseling as soon as possible.

First, dating or engaged couples can jumpstart their long-term relationship by investing in a healthy premarital counseling series so that they can develop a great foundation to make their marriage strong. Second, they can develop a support network. If they do these two crucial things, along with reading their Bible and praying every day, then they can have confidence that will stay together for the long haul.

If for some reason their church, ministry, friends, or community cannot provide that, then therapy can be a great alternative. Marriage and Family therapists are trained in basic approaches that can help couples in their relationships hence the title “marriage” therapist. Some may say that therapy is too pricey and could take up a lot of your time. An argument can be made that investing in your relationship is priceless.

When I married Nicole, there was no price too high to pay for the ring, wedding, and honeymoon. We had a budget of course, but my attitude was that I wanted to invest in the things I thought were important to me. Where we put our money shows where we are invested.

My advice to those of you reading this article is that if you are considering getting married soon, think about possibly getting premarital counseling through a therapist who will be impartial and professional. Sometimes our friends and family can mean well when it comes to giving us premarital advice but at times that can have some biases attached with it.

A professional therapist is trained to be in the middle and not side with either partner. The licensed marriage and family therapist will work with both individuals to help bring issues to light that could be of concern and to build skills to help them navigate expectations for the future.

Having a healthy dynamic marriage is priceless. I look back to when Nicole and I got premarital counseling and I shudder to think what would be said of us right now if we had never invested in our relationship after our engagement. In truth, our marriage would be a nightmare.

I’m grateful that others supported me and helped me to learn ways to communicate effectively, how to plan out my week with my wife, prioritizing biblical values, sexual intimacy, reconciliation, daily encouragement, effective roles, letting go of past hurts, submitting to one another, listening, finances, etc. Many couples get married and do not talk about these issues.

It is no wonder that couples have so many arguments. They approach their relationship with optimism but then they hit a snag after the vows. When conflict arises, they realize that they didn’t prepare for these issues and are shocked when they have no one to turn to. They want to save face, so they keep it “in-house”. They go to church and pretend that everything is fine.

Deep down, however, they are yearning for help so that they can grow. This piece is written for those looking forward to getting married this year but honestly, anyone can get counseling at any point in their relationship. It’s an investment that will reap long-lasting rewards. One spouse can go alone, although it is highly recommended that both attend.

If the couple is healthy, and one spouse wants to process a trauma from their past, then that one spouse should get therapy and may not need to include the other. If the conflict affects both, then both should attend therapy. Premarital counseling will prepare the couple so that they will not be blindsided by any potential threats. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers support to individuals and couples, helping them navigate past trauma, strengthen their relationship, and prepare for a healthy future together.

Athletes say that the worst hit they take on the field is the one they don’t see coming. With premarital counseling, not only will you be ready for those challenges, but you will also be ready to confront them. Not only will you be ready to confront them but be victorious as a wonderful team. I close out with an encouraging analogy from Jesus on how to build our spiritual homes:

Therefore, everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash. – Matthew 7:24-27

Photos:
“Rings”, Courtesy of Nick Karvounis, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Love & Respect”, Courtesy of Kelly Sikkema, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Holding Hands”, Courtesy of Brooke Cagle, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Devotions Together”, Courtesy of Priscilla Du Preez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Pre-marital Counseling Questions to Ask Before You Say “I Do”

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According to Scripture, marriage is the very first human relationship created by God. Jesus spoke of marriage according to the Old Testament as being one man and one woman united into one flesh. The Apostle Paul exhorted husbands and wives to love, respect, and submit to one another, doing so in reverence to Christ. Newport Beach Christian Counseling supports couples in embracing these biblical principles for a stronger, faith-centered relationship.

The Bible places much emphasis on the institution of marriage as the fundamental relationship in a household. Choosing to enter into this union is both an exciting and sobering time of life.

Pre-Marital Counseling Questions

This article considers several important pre-marital counseling questions that can be asked to give due consideration to the life-changing step you’re about to take by getting married.

These pre-marital counseling questions can be addressed in premarital counseling to help process some of the most important issues related to the decision to get married.

Always remember that two of the most vital considerations in the decision to get married are emotional and spiritual compatibility.

Is this God’s Calling for Me?

Not everyone is destined for marriage. This lifelong commitment comes with responsibilities, privileges, and inherent limitations. Am I truly called to this for life? Can I commit to oneness with my spouse in a partnership that includes physical, emotional, and spiritual components?

Does the future look bright when I consider the two of us moving forward together? Is this person someone I can submit to in the way Scripture discusses, deferring my preferences and making sacrifices for them?

Do Our Personalities Mesh Well?

Do we have complementary personalities, and do we accept each other as we are? Is being around this person enjoyable, and do I find them likable at a basic level? Do we understand each other’s senses of humor?

Also, consider whether you feel emotionally safe enough to be vulnerable with your partner, to speak even unpleasant truths in love. Consider whether you both have the freedom to confront one another in love.

Physical attraction must be considered as well, along with your baseline of common interests and hobbies, and how well you can share a workload together.

What Are We Bringing into Marriage?

The past must be considered in light of how it will affect your future marriage relationship. (See Exodus 20:5-6.) Habitual sins that have not been repented of, or emotional healing that has not taken place, can lead to a repetition of harmful patterns.

Consider the wounds, losses, ways of reacting to the world around you, besetting sins, and expectations that you bring to the relationship. Think about how you and your partner have worked through (or have not worked through) any current issues or past realities. It’s also vital to discuss your families of origin and backgrounds and how they will affect your marriage.

How Do We Communicate?

Are we able to understand and communicate with each other well (James 1:19-20)? When conflict arises, or hurt feelings happen, how do we resolve those things (Ephesians 4:26)?

Are We Spiritually Compatible?

Are we partners in our belief systems? When it comes to my relationship with God, how does this person affect that? Do I feel encouraged to become closer to God, or is it viewed as something incidental or unimportant? Do we pray together and encourage each other to put God first? Do we inspire one another to grow in our faith?

Do We Agree Financially?

Have we discussed our beliefs about managing finances and budgeting (1 Timothy 6:6-10, 17)? How will we merge our finances and manage our spending vs. saving habits?

What Do Others Think?

Do our families, friends, and/or church families affirm our relationship and decision to marry (Ephesians 4:15)? Do we have a support system in place?

Are We Emotionally Mature Enough for Marriage?

Do we display personal and individual emotional maturity (Galatians 5:22-23)? Can we both self-regulate our feelings? Do I view myself as responsible for my own emotions and struggles, and does my partner?

Are we honest and transparent with one another? Do I truly trust this person based on what they’ve done to earn that trust? Do they keep their word and tell the truth? Do either of us struggle with an addiction to anything? If we’ve had these struggles in the past, have we sought help and healing in a way that has allowed for restoration and growth?

Christian Counseling to Prepare for Marriage

If you would like a helpful structure in which to navigate these premarital issues, consider whether Christian counseling might be a valuable resource for you and your future spouse. A Christian counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling shares a similar worldview and value system and is a licensed professional who can guide you through these pre-marital counseling questions and help you discern your readiness for marriage.

Photos
“Engaged”, Courtesy of Ben White, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Hopes and Dreams”, Courtesy of Edward Cisneros, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Married Fight,” courtesy of Gratisography, pexels.com, CC0 License; “God-centered Marriage”, Courtesy of Ben White, Unsplash.com; CC0 License

Pre-Marriage Counseling Topics to Address Before You Tie the Knot

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So you’re engaged; now what? Planning and preparing for your marriage (not just your wedding!) is the next step. Although you might find yourself caught up in the excitement and stress of getting ready for your big day, it’s important not to neglect the relational preparation you need to work through with your future spouse.

It’s vital to talk about the beliefs, expectations, and realities that will have an impact on your marriage long after the wedding is over.

Engagement is a time of joy and anticipation, but it can also bring out stress and conflict as plans get underway. So much energy can go into details related to the wedding that a pattern of neglect can form with regard to the relationship itself.

Premarital counseling is a good way to maintain intimacy throughout your engagement. It can help strengthen your relationship and facilitate constructive conversations and intentional preparation for the future. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers premarital counseling to guide couples in building a solid foundation for their marriage.

Pre-Marriage Counseling Topics to Increase Intimacy

Discussing specific marriage-related topics can help you as a couple navigate the transition into marriage in a healthy way. Here are four examples:

1. Communication

Couples who struggle with communication may fear to seek counseling because it might compel them to talk about painful topics. But counseling can be a safe place to work on having open communication between the two of you. It’s a neutral, confidential setting to explore subjects that need discussion, as well as how each of you naturally tends to communicate.

We all have an instinctive communication style we prefer, based on our personalities and the way our parents and family of origin related to one another. We might think that our own communication style is what’s normal for everyone, but it can be shocking to find out that our spouse essentially speaks a different language than we do, and that’s considered “normal” to them.

Because of this, spouses often misunderstand and misinterpret one another just because of their different ways of communicating. There is much room for growth in intentionally learning how your partner communicates and how to speak their language. You can talk about certain phrases you each tend to use and what you mean by them.

Couples often think that their spouse should be able to automatically understand what they’re thinking or feeling. After all, they know each other so well, right? But this just isn’t the case.

We may develop an understanding of our spouse’s patterns over time, but no matter how long we are married, we will never be able to “just know” what another person is thinking or feeling unless they tell us explicitly. Otherwise, incorrect assumptions are inevitable.

When you don’t feel understood by your spouse, you’re much more likely to have communication problems or hurt feelings. As time goes by in your marriage, you’ll grow to understand each other better, but even then be sure to give each other grace for not being mind-readers.

The potential for hurt is actually greater when you feel as though your partner should understand you because of how long you’ve been married or how close you are to each other.

So engagement is the perfect time to start laying a foundation for healthy communication. Learn how to communicate your thoughts and emotions clearly and respectfully. Create habits of open communication, letting your partner know what’s going on with you, without assuming that they already understand.

Creating these communication patterns early on in your relationship gives you practice in handling conflict in a way that is mutually beneficial. Encourage each other and alert yourselves to potential communication breakdowns, especially those based on possibly false assumptions about the other person. Patterns of communication formed over a lifetime are difficult to break, so now is the time to adjust your habits of interaction.

2. Sexuality

In Christian environments, it may seem taboo to mention sexuality, but it’s vital to cover in premarital counseling. Sexuality is about more than the act itself; it’s a powerful instrument of connection between married couples, allowing physical and emotional intimacy to flourish.

Engaged couples often feel that they can skim over the topic of sexuality and that their sexual relationship within marriage will be effortlessly good, but this isn’t always the case.

Each future spouse has expectations, concerns, and questions related to marital intimacy, and premarital counseling is one of the best places to discuss these things. You can reflect on where your assumptions about sex developed (family, friends, education, etc.) and what expectations you’re bringing in to your marriage.

It’s important to discuss how you will cultivate your sexual relationship within marriage, along with any concerns or curiosities you may be bringing into it. Depending on your comfort level, set some intentional time aside to discuss physical intimacy and how it will progress after your wedding day.

Don’t forget to discuss the practical matters too. What about birth control? How will this affect your relationship and any future plans to have children? Also, consider privacy and how it will be to live together if you have not already cohabitated. It can be quite an adjustment going from having your own space, even with your family of origin or a roommate, to sharing everything with a spouse.

As a couple, what can you talk about now that will make these adjustments easier? How much privacy do you each prefer? Contrary to expectations for a perfect Hollywood-esque relationship, real marriage can be hard, and busy schedules can make it difficult to carve out time for a spontaneous, exciting love life. Although it may seem less romantic, it’s often important to be very intentional in setting aside time for physical intimacy.

 3. Inner World

This is an opportunity to discuss your desire for your spouse to know and understand you deeply. Although you probably have this desire, it can also be frightening to be known this closely. In order to be close and increase intimacy, vulnerability is required. You have to let your spouse in.

A way to start doing this to explore each other’s inner world. This means getting to know your partner’s hopes, dreams, likes, dislikes, fears, and anything related to their preferences and desires.

Drs. John and Julie Gottman have described this process as creating “love maps.” Dr. John Gottman’s research has indicated that couples whose love maps are detailed tend to have stronger and more intimate relationships than those with less developed love maps.

This process of getting to know one another’s inner worlds is an ongoing activity that should characterize your marriage over the course of your lives. In the same way that a city changes over time, with new construction and expansions, our inner worlds do the same.

It takes work to get to know your spouse’s deepest desires, dreams, and fears, and when you do this, you’re creating your “love map” of their inner world. Love maps increase intimacy, because not only are you getting to know your spouse better, you’re investing time and value into the process.

Intentionally seeking greater intimate knowledge of your spouse should be at times that are relaxed, when both partners feel safe and comfortable (i.e., not during a conflict) and able to absorb what the other person is sharing. It’s a good addition to a date night. You can make it more structured by taking turns asking each other questions and discussing memories, struggles, joys, hopes, fears, and dreams.

Inner worlds are complex, layered, and only reveal themselves with time and effort. Life changes shape the details of our inner worlds. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman says, “If you don’t start off with a deep knowledge of each other, it’s easy for your marriage to lose its way when your lives shift so suddenly and dramatically.”

For this reason, it’s best to create the habit of getting to know each other’s inner worlds early on in your relationship. Then you will have the tools to learn new things about your spouse throughout your marriage, which you can add to your “love map” of them.

4. Conflict Management

For some people, talking about conflict might seem counterintuitive. Oftentimes couples have the idea that the less conflict, the better; if they just got rid of conflict altogether, they would have a much better relationship.

But this isn’t the case. Conflict isn’t a bad thing that should be avoided at all costs. Instead, it’s an inevitable aspect of every human relationship, and handling it in a healthy way offers a key opportunity for genuine intimacy.

Conflict is unavoidable at some level, but the way you achieve intimacy through conflict lies in how you deal with it. Equipping yourselves with healthy conflict management skills gives you a chance to resolve issues without hurting each other emotionally. This way you can learn to understand your spouse in a deeper way, without leaving scars from hurtful conflict.

If there is a topic you know is likely to cause conflict, learning how to approach it without being on the defensive is an invaluable skill. Conflict does not have to turn into an ugly argument or be avoided altogether; instead, it can be resolved in a healthy way, and this knowledge can make each partner in the relationship feel more hopeful and confident when approaching difficult topics.

A willingness to examine current conflict patterns in your relationship is a helpful first step. You can identify any patterns that are destructive and that serve to escalate disagreements rather than settling them.

Once you’ve identified these patterns, you both can work on changing them to more constructive ways of dealing with the situation, allowing you to resolve disagreements in a way that allows for growth and intimacy.

A Christian Pre-Marriage Counseling Perspective

A Christian counselor can help facilitate these conversations, leading to the best outcome for both of you as you work toward greater intimacy. Depending on which topics you’re discussing, a counselor may give you extra materials, education, or practical exercises to work on the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship.

Every relationship has both strong points and areas where growth is needed, and addressing these points early on will allow you to build a strong foundation of intimacy.

One of the main objectives of premarital counseling is for the counselor to help you discover the preconceived notions and expectations you each bring to the intended marriage. This is a way for couples to get to know one another and possibly grow closer than they have been before.

Vulnerability opens the door to intimacy, allowing a beautiful chance for growth and flourishing. God’s desire is for married couples to experience oneness and openness through being intimate with one another.

This sacred unity develops over a lifetime, as both learn to submit to one another and to Christ. He uses this journey to transform us to be more like Him, which is part of His intended purpose in creating marriage.

Please remember that no couple is going to master and flawlessly implement perfect communication skills, love maps, or conflict resolution, especially before the wedding has even taken place.

Premarital counseling is simply a place to begin, and to give you knowledge and tools to help you with the transition into marriage. It allows you to be more aware of patterns in your relationship and the tools you’ll need for growth both now and in the future.

But growth always takes time, and it’s very normal for a marriage to take at least a year to settle into a comfortable harmony and flow.  Marriage is a constantly-changing, ever-evolving journey of growing in intimacy, communication, and love.

The premarital counselor is simply a facilitator of discussions that will hopefully continue throughout your marriage as you resolve conflicts, get to know each other’s inner worlds, and build a stronger relationship. Newport Beach Christian Counseling provides a safe space for couples to engage in these important conversations and lay the groundwork for a lasting marriage.

If you are engaged or planning to be soon, and you think premarital counseling could be beneficial for your relationship, let us know how we can work with you to prepare you for a godly marriage.

Photos
“Engaged”, Courtesy of Ben White, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Conversation”, courtesy of Christin Hume, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Hopes and Dreams”, Courtesy of Edward Cisneros, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Lightning”, Courtesy of Casey Horner, Unsplash.com; CC0 License