Overcoming Fear of Mortality and Finding Peace

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There are moments in life when we are reminded of the reality that the Lord speaks of in Genesis – “…dust you are, and to dust you will return” (Genesis 3:19, NIV). Life is precious and fragile, and having that awareness can help us appreciate it more, not only for ourselves but also for others. Carrying a genuine appreciation for life can help us not only be grateful for every breath but also see things from a better perspective.

Most things are good in moderation, but unhelpful when overdone. The awareness of how fragile life is can spill over into a fear of death, with different results for how a person approaches their daily activities and tasks. The fear of our mortality can be a challenging anxiety that can disrupt daily living and trap you in unfruitfulness. It is possible to overcome this fear and find peace.

Understanding the Fear of Mortality

It’s important to get this out of the way – you are going to die someday. That day is unknown to us, but the Lord, who knows the end from the beginning, knows every page written in our book (Psalm 139:16). The fact that you and I have an end can be an overwhelming reality, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s an occasion to trust in the goodness of God, who manages our times and our lives. It doesn’t have to overtake us like a looming shadow.

The fear of mortality is also known as ‘thanatophobia’, or the fear of death. This fear or anxiety is rooted in a keen awareness of the fact that life will inevitably end, and that awareness can range from subtle to a blaring and ever-present reality that intrudes into everyday life. It can linger in the quiet moments as you reflect on your day, or it can manifest as severe panic attacks or obsessive behaviors designed to help avoid thoughts of death.

The fear of mortality can become an overwhelming sense of dread that can disrupt a person’s ability to work, go to school, or have healthy relationships with others. It can lead to ongoing anxieties about one’s health or the health of loved ones, which can be stressful as well as challenging for others to cope with.

The Causes of Fear of Mortality

Why do people fear their mortality? There’s a real sense in which it’s good for us to be aware of our mortality. That primal instinct to stay alive can help you remain alert as you cross the street or drive home from work. In small doses, it’s helpful, but it can become debilitating if it’s given its head.

People fear their mortality for several reasons, including a fear of the unknown. Being uncertain of what happens after death is unsettling, and fear can creep in to fill the gaps in our knowledge, making the unknown a terrifying prospect. Additionally, because death is something that’s ultimately beyond our control, it challenges our need for safety and for predictable things. We fear death because it’s beyond our power to contain or control it.

We also develop a fear of mortality precisely because we have strong emotional ties to loved ones, and we fear being separated from them. When we face life and all it has to offer, reflecting on our lives, their purpose, and meaning, can also trigger a deep existential anxiety about our limitations amid the vastness of space and time.

The reasons that a person develops a fear of mortality include the following:

Personal experiences As a person ages, they become more aware that our life under the sun isn’t forever; it is impermanent. Experiencing the death or serious illness of a loved one or having a near-death encounter can all trigger fears about mortality and our limitations. Experiences of trauma, abuse, or neglect can also contribute to fears about mortality.

Societal and cultural factors Our culture is one that often keeps unpleasant topics like aging, sickness, and death at the back of our minds, and out of sight. While we’re inundated with violent or graphic content in our media and entertainment that almost glorifies death, serious reflections about it that are somber and reflective are often lacking. Our societal and cultural norms about death shape us, and they can lead to a deficient view of death that’s unhelpful.

Spiritual and other beliefs Just as our culture and society shape our beliefs about death, your spiritual beliefs also influence your fear of mortality. Fear of judgment, for instance, can make death feel frightening. Having questions about the meaning and aim of life can also leave a person feeling anxious about what it all means and where it’s all going. Having robust, gracious, and meaningful answers can be a counter to such fears.

Mental health A person’s overall mental health can contribute to fears about mortality. For instance, if you’re struggling with depression or anxiety, you’re more likely to fear your limitations and mortality than not. The fears can become magnified, even when they aren’t justified or rational.

These and other reasons and factors can interact with each other to produce a fear of mortality that manifests in different ways in people’s lives.

How Fear of Mortality Affects a Person

When a person is afraid of death, that fear can impact their life in various ways. While it can increase their appreciation of their lives and the lives of their loved ones and reprioritizing things, it can easily become something else. It can result in avoidance behaviors, for instance. This could include avoiding certain places or situations that arouse the fear, including talking about death, going to a funeral, or visiting a loved one in a hospital.

For others, it can result in being risk-averse. Some people take excessive caution, not wanting to risk that something might happen. Trying new things might also get taken off the menu, as that could be too risky. They might become preoccupied with health to address any and all issues, leading to constantly monitoring every health indicator and seeking medical attention for minor concerns.

The awareness of mortality can bring about an existential dread that can be difficult to push through to allow a person to function well in daily life. Having persistent thoughts and worries about death can be a heavy weight to bear, and all this can make forming and maintaining healthy relationships difficult. Being intimate and maintaining a strong emotional connection with loved ones can become harder, straining relationships.

Fear of mortality can be positive, helping you appreciate life and your loved ones. It can help you reevaluate your priorities for the better, helping you make changes to align your life with what matters most. However, as shown above, it can also affect your life in other negative ways, hindering your daily functioning.

Overcoming a Fear of Death

A fear of mortality can be highly disruptive to your life, preventing you from doing the business of living and enjoying all that the Lord has provided us with. The teacher in the book of Ecclesiastes says the following:

Remember him – before the silver cord is severed, and the golden bowl is broken;
before the pitcher is shattered at the spring, and the wheel broken at the well, and the dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it – Ecclesiastes 12:6-7, NIV

The phrase ‘Remembering the Lord’ is full of rich meaning, but it entails reflecting on who God is, the nature of the world He created, and the role we have in it. Death is an enemy, an intruder into God’s good creation, but Jesus defeated death on the cross, and He rose again to new life. That resurrection is a ‘first fruits’, a glimpse into what the future holds for all who believe in Him, and also for the creation (1 Corinthians 15, Romans 8).

Remembering the Lord can help us begin reframing our understanding of death, but also what life is about. Using a holistic approach that combines biblical and Christian resources along with professional therapeutic tools, it’s possible to address the fear of mortality. Some of these tools include:

Reassurance from Scripture Passages like 1 Corinthians 15, Romans 8, John 11-12, Revelation 21-22, Philippians 1:18-26, 1 Thessalonians 4, and 2 Corinthians 5 all help believers reframe their understanding of life and death. God is sovereign over death, and the resurrection of Jesus changes absolutely everything. There is hope, even when it all seems dark and lifeless.

Prayer The Lord invites us to pray, to cast our anxieties on Him, and to trust that He can give us the peace we need. Instead of worrying, pray, turning your worries into requests and asking Him for His peace, which transcends understanding (Philippians 4:6-7; John 16:33).

Seeking help Professional help can be beneficial for identifying the source of fear. Through techniques like exposure therapy, it’s possible to become desensitized to the fear, and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you to identify and reframe irrational thoughts about death. It’s possible to face your fear, living courageously and with deep peace. Reach out for help from a Christian counselor to find comfort and wisdom in dealing with your fear.

Photos:
“Sun Through Clouds”, Courtesy of Diego PH, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Hourglass”, Courtesy of Nathan Dumlao, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Stairs”, Courtesy of Joe Beck, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Cross”, Courtesy of Aaron Burden, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Helping a Loved One with Anger Problems

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Seeing someone you love struggling with something is one of the hardest things to go through. Not only do you feel helpless, but it can also feel painful, saddening, and anxiety-inducing to witness suffering. When your loved one is dealing with anger problems, it’s also likely that those struggles are spilling over onto other people, including you. They may hurt you, intentionally or otherwise.

When it comes to a loved one struggling with anger problems, you aren’t entirely helpless. While they are primarily responsible for handling their own emotions, you can play an important supportive role in their journey.

What are anger problems?

It should be said that feeling anger is not always the problem. Some people work hard not to feel angry, partly because of the negative associations that anger has for them, and perhaps because feeling angry doesn’t always feel good. Anger can be extremely damaging, for the person feeling it, and for the people who experience an outpouring of that anger. It’s no wonder many people are wary of anger.

However, it’s also true that our emotions serve a purpose, and that includes anger. It’s quite likely that you’ve experienced someone expressing their anger before, except that you probably missed it because it was a healthy expression of anger. A person can assert themselves and their feelings of anger in a calm and collected manner. These expressions of anger aren’t sensational, and they often go unnoticed.

Having anger problems doesn’t merely mean that you felt angry because of this or that thing. It can be okay to feel angry because anger helps to alert us when our boundaries have been violated, or when something or someone we care about is under threat. Having anger problems means struggling with unrighteous anger, to the point where that anger negatively affects you and the people around you.

Anger Problems in The Wild – Some Signs to Look Out for

Feeling angry isn’t enough to qualify you as having anger issues. There’s a need for something more than that. Some of the signs that a person has anger problems include the following:

Problematic anger Anger that is wrongly motivated, directed at the wrong object, disproportionate to its cause, out of control, prevents forgiveness, or fuels thoughts or intentions of revenge, is unrighteous anger. Unrighteous anger is a sin that must be repented of. If this kind of anger characterizes you, then you are showing signs and symptoms of an anger problem.

Broken relationships Anger can lead a person to say and do things that are damaging to others. If you shout at your children, curse your neighbor or spouse, or say things that hit at people’s vulnerabilities, one probable result is you’ll damage those relationships irreparably. Anger can short-circuit clear thinking, and you may regret the things you say when you’re feeling angry and not thinking clearly.

Legal problems In the same vein, being angry and expressing it by shouting, cursing, hitting, or acting out anger on people or their property leads to trouble. That trouble could be in the form of getting arrested for causing injury to others or property. If a person gets into legal trouble for things they did because of anger, that strongly points to anger problems.

Persistent presence Anger is one of those emotions that ought to come and go. That’s because if you’re feeling angry all the time, it can damage your health, and it points to an unhelpful frame of mind and the inability to deal well with provocations. If you feel angry a lot, or if little things make you angry, and if anger is one of the emotions you commonly experience, you have symptoms of anger problems.

Being afraid of your anger Feelings of anger shouldn’t be something you’re afraid of. However, a person who finds themselves afraid of what they’ll do when they are angry shows signs of anger issues.

Poor expression Anger, like our other emotions, is meant to be expressed (when expressed) in a healthy way. Some of the poor expressions of anger have already been detailed, but another sign of anger issues is turning anger inward or expressing it passively. Passive expressions of anger could include sulking, being sarcastic, procrastinating, stonewalling, and being non-communicative.

These are some of the signs of anger problems that are easier to pick out. Other signs might not be so easy for you to pick out in another person. For example, anger can often result in physical symptoms such as tense muscles, increased heart rate, and headaches. These may be harder to identify in another person, but they have an impact on the person who’s feeling angry.

How a Loved One’s Anger Affects Them, and You

Many things are highly personal but not private, and anger is one of them. When a person gets angry at another person, that will affect how they respond to them, as well as their attitude toward them. Jesus picks up on this in the Sermon on the Mount, highlighting how destructive anger can be because it can lead you to denigrate someone made in God’s image (Matthew 5:21-26).

Your loved one’s anger affects them, but that anger doesn’t stay contained; it also affects you, in subtle as well as other ways. To begin with, anger affects your loved one’s health and well-being. The strain that anger puts on the human body can be problematic if a person is chronically angry. Anger can increase stress levels, the risk of heart disease, and the risk of conditions like diabetes, etc.

When a loved one can’t control their anger, it often results in them lashing out. When you break relationships with others, it can lead to increased isolation. If you have an anger outburst at work, you could damage relationships with clients and colleagues, leading to getting fired. Loss of income and diminishing job prospects due to anger can lead to financial problems that are hard to get out of.

The same goes for the legal problems that could result from anger problems. Damaging property or hurting another person could result in a fine, community service, and being ordered to go for anger management classes. If it’s severe enough, you could end up seriously hurting or even killing someone, which would mean serious jail time at a minimum. A person can alter the entire trajectory of their life because of one decision made in anger.

One of the ways your loved one’s anger affects you is that you might be in a position to see its detrimental effects on them. Seeing your loved one’s health fail, relationships flounder, and work opportunities dwindle because of anger problems can be heartbreaking.

Another way that your loved one’s anger may harm you is when it is directed at you. Being verbally or physically abused can cause untold damage to a person, including affecting your sense of safety, undermining your self-esteem, and increasing your risk of anxiety and depression, to name a few. Being in a relationship with them feels uncomfortable, and it can feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells around them.

How to Help a Loved One with Anger Problems

When your loved one has anger problems, one of the important things to remember is that you aren’t responsible for their emotions. A person is responsible for how they feel and how they act on those feelings. It can be tempting to take responsibility when you shouldn’t, which places an unnecessary burden on you while ignoring your loved one’s responsibility for their actions, and hindering their ability to manage their own emotions.

In the main, the role you can play in your loved one’s life is as a support. You can help them by gently and lovingly pointing out the problem to them. You can encourage them to talk about what’s going on and allow them to communicate their angry feelings. This should be done within limits; for instance, they can share how they feel, but that doesn’t mean they can shout at you and be abusive.

Another thing that you can do is to model what healthy communication looks like. By setting an example and having clear boundaries, you can show, and not just tell, your loved one what it looks like to express anger in a healthy manner. Setting boundaries and looking after your well-being is not only a good example but it’s needed whenever you’re trying to care for someone. You need room to rest and recuperate.

Lastly, you can encourage them to get help. This is a decision that they must make, but you can motivate them by explaining why it’s a good decision.

If they do reach out to an anger management therapist for help, there are other ways to provide support, including helping them with the exercises their therapist gives them and encouraging them to attend sessions consistently. With help from a professional, your loved one can learn to bring their anger under control.

Photos:
“Disagreement”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Fight”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Stressed”, Courtesy of Matteo Vistocco, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “A Shoulder to Lean On”, Courtesy of Toimetaja Tolkeburoo, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Healing for a Broken Family

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No family is immune to problems. The dynamics of one family may not work for another. When situations come up that cause emotional damage, it can be challenging to navigate the healing process. In some cases, the damage may lead to estrangement. When this happens, it is often called a broken family. Having unhealthy relationships can also fall into this category. There is hope for healing a broken family.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. – 1 Peter 4:8, NIV

Having a broken family can leave scars. Family relationships break in such an extreme manner that it may seem impossible to fix. These broken relationships tend to leave people feeling abandoned. Acknowledging the cause is the first step on the road to healing for a broken family.

Understanding What Breaks a Family

The brokenness that families experience is not easily defined. What breaks one family could strengthen another. It’s a matter of understanding the core dynamic of the family as a whole. This could include heritage, culture, and spiritual beliefs.

A devastating loss There are times that the loss of a family member can cause a family to become estranged and broken. When there is a loss it affects every person in different ways. When the family faces the loss they must learn a new dynamic. This isn’t always easy. Grief can cause many emotions and until it is processed it is hard to understand how to navigate healing as a broken family.

Disregard for boundaries This is typical between parents and children or siblings. Each family member needs to respect and understand the boundaries that are present. Boundaries aren’t a way of saying “I don’t need you in my life.” They are in place to create a healthy lifestyle.

Abuse Family members who have faced abuse often choose to sever relationships. Whether it is physical or sexual abuse, the pain becomes a challenge to overcome for that person.

Control issues Parents don’t always intend to be controlling. Most of the time they are trying to make sure their children are getting what they need to thrive. When it carries over into the child’s personal life it can cause a relationship to become severed.

Financial issues Finances play a big part in our lives. As children, we depend on our parents financially. When we aren’t instructed on the positive ways to manage money we can find ourselves in a dysfunctional home due to financial hardships.

Difference in faith and other beliefs Family members don’t always have the same beliefs. This can cause a severed relationship when there is a lack of respect for each other’s chosen faith or political beliefs.

Issues with mental health When family members struggle with mental health issues it can result in estrangement. To find healing in a broken family due to mental health issues those issues must be addressed. This could also involve a family session to identify the way to navigate the relationships.

Disregarding the act of apologizing Deciding to navigate healing the relationship is a big step. If this choice is met with a disregard for apologizing, then the broken relationship becomes harder to mend.

What can heal a broken family?

Healing begins with awareness. Taking time to understand what caused the hurt and if there is a way to repair the damage is one step in the journey to navigate healing for a broken family. It won’t happen overnight, but with intentional choices, it can become healed. This choice isn’t something that comes from one side of the relationship. Both parties must be willing to pursue the pathway to healing.

Have a conversation about the issue

Having a hard conversation about what happened is the place to start. Without understanding what happened there is no way to understand what needs to be done to repair the damage. Honest and open communication is the best way to accomplish this conversation. This conversation includes listening as much as speaking. Be intentional about the conversation.

Stay away from the blame game

Trying to lay the blame on each other doesn’t lead to healing. Most of the time, it will only cause even more resentment and sever the relationship. It is understandable to want to find a place to put the blame, but the simple fact is we are all human. As humans we make mistakes and in most instances of broken relationships, it is not a one-sided issue.

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. – Romans 13:8, NIV

Extend forgiveness and walk in patience

Healing comes from forgiveness. Giving and seeking forgiveness entails patience. It takes time to understand each person’s role in the situation. People don’t change overnight so we have to be patient as we allow each other to examine our hearts and understand our actions.

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. – Matthew 6:14, NIV

Work on restoring trust and relationship harmony

Just as families can find themselves out of harmony with each other, they can restore that peace. It takes work on the part of each individual in the family. This requires motivation, knowledge, persistence, and acknowledgment of the reality that no one is perfect. When the balance is restored the trust will likely be restored as well. Remember, something that becomes broken won’t look like it did before the damage. This doesn’t mean it can’t be fixed.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. – Ephesians 4:31-32, NIV

More tips to help heal broken families

There are ways to implement the above strategies to help heal the brokenness.

  • Establish acceptable behavior expectations.
  • Don’t expect behavior that hasn’t been taught.
  • Understand family behavior patterns.
  • Set clear boundaries for honest communication.
  • Understand that you cannot fix a person’s behavior.
  • Define and share the expected emotional needs.
  • Engage in a body of Christ that can be supportive and loving.
  • Maintain the view of equality among adults.
  • Understand that God wants to see the family restored.
  • Pray together as a family.
  • Read and meditate on God’s Word.
  • Continue to seek to love as God loves.
  • Seek professional help from a Christian counselor.

When the Relationship is Over

The reality is that there are times when even after doing all the things to navigate toward healing, the relationship is over. Even though there has been forgiveness and acceptance, there are people who may choose to remain estranged. This is not to say that person is wrong. Sometimes it is best that boundaries mean a distant relationship.

When a family member chooses to end a relationship the only thing that you are in control of is your reaction to that decision. You must understand that you aren’t to blame for their choice. Once you have pursued the avenue of forgiveness, it is up to them whether or not they receive that extended hand of forgiveness.

You don’t have to expect anything from them nor do you have to keep a space for them in your emotional well-being. The constant stress about a relationship that is over is not healthy mentally, emotionally, or physically.

It is okay to let go of that relationship and give it space when you can navigate the issues. Otherwise, you may find you continue to experience anxiety from the stress of trying to pretend everything is fine.

Next Steps: Christian Family Counseling

Every family has a problem to face on occasion. The ability of the family to navigate those problems without becoming estranged depends on how the dynamics of that family work. There are instances when it doesn’t matter how well the family gets along, there are issues that cause severe damage. Understanding how to navigate the hurts of a broken family takes patience and willingness.

If you feel like you need help with navigating how to heal as part of a broken family, reach out to us at California Christian Counseling. Your counselor can create a Scripture-based plan of treatment to help you navigate the hurt and emotions that you may be facing.

See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. – Hebrews 12:15, NIV

Photos:
“Mother and Daughter”, Courtesy of knuckles_echidna, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Crying Man”, Courtesy of victoruzihben, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Couple Hugging”, Courtesy of lambhappiness, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Holding Hands”, Courtesy of Pexels, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; 

How Trauma Therapy Can Help with the Avoidance of Pain

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We have all stubbed a toe or sprained an ankle, gotten bitten or sunburned at some point in the last month. The instant ouch, the resounding throb, and tender joints for days are common for most ordinary people, and the more extreme and active you are, the more likely those will become.

Most of us have also eaten a new delicacy or old favorite, and gotten sick enough to throw it up due to food poisoning, and in future days, months, even decades for some, become so averse to the food, we completely avoid it.

Emotional Pain

Sometimes emotional pain caused by mistreatment while a child, difficult, frightening and uncontrollable things, feeling physical pain above the threshold of toleration, or being inappropriately touched or betrayed by someone, can make our bodies and minds respond similarly, just like becoming averse to food, or nervousness about playing that sport again in case your ankle might hurt again.

We are instinctively averse to things that cause us pain. A conversation about healthy fear versus unhealthy fear and healthy stress response and unhealthy stress response is valid. But for now, we can assert it is true that a powerful force in our mind prompts us to take special note of pain and quickly choose options to deal with it somehow.

Some of the ways we deal with emotional pain are suppressing our feelings, addiction, denial when it comes up, walling ourselves off from more pain or situations, fantasy and daydreaming, and other kinds of avoidance.

What we get from these are anxiety, a feeling of lurking feelings underneath the surface, and hopeless, cynical, antisocial, or isolative behavior. The problem with these is that none of them deal with root causes. All of them look to reduce or avoid symptoms.

Broken Cisterns

In Jeremiah 2:13, God tells the prophet Jeremiah about his people Israel: “For my people have committed two evils: They have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out for themselves cisterns, broken cisterns that can hold no water.”

We can see a parallel to the broken cisterns that can hold no water, to those instances of avoiding pain, our rushed way of acting, but not getting to the root solution. Historically, cisterns were reservoirs or wells that would be built to hold and contain water. God used this metaphor to point out to His people that certain avenues and choices will never truly satisfy and comfort us or support us with the right provision of healing.

Ice cream is great for celebration, but not great for reducing the pain of rejection from people. Leaving in a hurry and swearing at someone to get away might be useful if being chased by an assailant, but not if you need to work a thorny issue with a family member. There is a reason and a season for things that make something an applicable or not-so-applicable choice to cope. The same goes for emotional, mental, and spiritual pain.

What is trauma therapy?

Let’s now take this philosophical topic and distill it to the psychological topic you came here for; how trauma therapy (“trauma” being the Greek word for wound, and so trauma therapy is the attending to the wound) can intersect with pain and help the sufferer face it and cope with it in the right way.

For nearly every theory proposed, tested, and verified in modern therapy, some theorists looked at basic questions like what unhealthiness is, what healthiness is, and useful thinking and feeling, and what is the vehicle of change to go from unhealthy to healthy.

Many theorists looked long and hard at how pain, wounding, fear, and negative habits of the past shaped people’s decision-making, defense mechanisms, and worldviews. They also proposed what they believed were common traits of healthy thinking, responses, and outlooks, and then went to work to derive hypotheses and develop interventions that could become vehicles of change toward healing in some way.

Some looked at reducing the pain and negative symptoms, while others looked at becoming more flexible and accepting negative feelings, and changing one’s outlook about them.

Types of Trauma Therapy

Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

For example, TFCBT (trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy), which is an evidence-backed theory for how to help children and teens experiencing symptoms of post-traumatic stress, has a particular understanding of trauma and how to heal.

The theory lays out an eight-step protocol that starts with educating caregivers about trauma, teaching relaxation skills for a body wracked by trauma, acknowledging emotions around pain and loss for kids, helping enhance adaptive thinking about events, thoroughly describing events through one’s narrative and then incorporating these skills into day-to-day life with the help and support of a support network.

According to this theory, you must come face to face with the wound and address it in trauma therapy, learning new ways to calm the body, understanding the normal mental reactions to trauma, making sense of it, and beginning to readjust to living in the presence of or in the wake of a painful event.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy

Another evidence-based method is called Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which is effective for individuals experiencing big overwhelming feelings in relationships, outbursts, and/or addictions, and also looks to address suffering and the conditions that drive us to act in unwanted ways.

1“Radical Acceptance,” a sub theory in this method, suggests that until we wholly accept that a trauma or a wrongdoing occurred in all its detail, we will get stuck in suffering, thinking about why or why not, and why me. While not accepting what happened is understandable initially, over time, it becomes problematic.

The answer this theory offers, is to hold our emotions hand-in-hand with logic and cold hard realities, and find a middle ground of wise behavior called “wise mind” thinking, which listens to the feelings, needs, and urges of the emotional side and balances them with acceptance of fact, to synthesizes them into a new, more adaptive way of thinking. In this theory, neither trying to medicate away feelings nor accepting reality without feeling would benefit healing.

Acceptance And Commitment Therapy

Yet another evidence-based theory called Acceptance and Commitment therapy was based on its founder, Steven Hayes’ experience of having his panic attacks get worse the more he tried to avoid the panic he felt in those moments.

He came to realize that befriending the fearful thoughts, recognizing they were a part of him but not him in totality, and reminding himself of his values and desired path of life that he was committed to, even amid that pain, helped him come out the other side. Flexibility came when there was more than just one way to handle pain, so that he could accept it, and move on, learning along the way and staying true to his beliefs.

12-Step Groups

Lastly thinking of all 12-step groups which have been proven effective over many decades, acknowledging pain and the past, not shutting the door on it, and committing to a plan of action with steps that improve your relationship to yourself, to God and other people, has assisted millions of addicts twisted by avoidance of pain become people reforming into witnesses to their pain but in recovery toward wholeness as recovering addicts.

The Common Factor

What do all these approaches have in common? They don’t advocate avoiding pain in the healing process; they offer strategies to heal through the moments and seasons with pain in it, with acceptance, a different vision, and tools to emerge resilient and more of yourself than you would be if merely avoiding pain.

And still, I want to escape. I still want to escape pain, sadness, and wounding. I want to throw my hands up and ask, “Why?” And that’s okay – it’s human. But the question is whether I can refocus after I acknowledge the real pain I feel so that I can recover.

Bringing back the theological aspect, what might be God’s desire for my handling of this situation? Do we believe that God works all things into our lives for a reason to yield a certain result, if not desiring pain, at least allowing it?

Tim Keller, a renowned late pastor and writer, shared about a time he talked with a psychiatrist friend of his who was feeling stuck in a rut with his psychiatric training. He said one day he looked at his massive textbook and asked, “What if I read this textbook for Christ?”

Suddenly, the friend said, he was thirsty to learn, compare, make connections and insights for treatment out of a sense that he was learning for Christ, thus the fulness of his work was coming out of his response to the question “What if there is more to this textbook than a textbook?”

What if there is more to pain than pain? Keller also goes on in other sermons to describe how the secularized post-modern Western world has precious few resources for explaining, dealing with, and enduring distress. Since, in most of Western culture, pain is meaningless, it should be avoided as an ultimate evil, right?

Christ, as detailed in the Gospels, gave another view. That there “will be trouble” in the world, that pain and sin are inevitable, but that we should ask for deliverance from them at the same time.

As the Serenity Prayer (credited to a 1920’s German preacher Reinhold Niebuhr and read at many 12 step groups around the world) says, the prayerful person asks to start “Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.”

Trauma Therapy Reconsidered

Let us synthesize all of this. In the theology of pain and the healing therapies, we see both a universal issue and helpful ways through it. Be it Dialectical “Radical Acceptance,” CBT reorientation and resilience in facing hard things, or the twelve steps of becoming willing to accept a new path rather than the old one of avoidance and addiction, we see a strange, foreign theme emerge.

This theme is in contrast to avoiding pain and distress at all costs, which the world and our instincts ironically tell us is unavoidable. It is a theme of not clearing out from pain, but grasping it, acknowledging hardship and caring for ourselves in the midst of it, and taking the world as it is, not as we would have it, because that avoidance – that wishing for an alternative reality – keeps us in more pain and bitterness.

One last spiritual picture: If you are not familiar with the story of Job, it is a biblical account that starts with Satan coming to God and requesting to make life difficult for one of God’s chosen people, a blameless and upright man named Job. Satan, the accuser, tries to prove to God that Job, faced with stress, insult, fear, and pain, will surely curse God and not act blameless, for Job was only trusting God (said Satan), because of God’s kindness and material blessings.

What we see instead is a man who endured pain, but cried out to God in anger, but the key phrase is that he cried out “to God.” Job was a man who, though he experienced the pain, remembered to fix his eyes on God, and had faith that God can take our experience and raw expressions of pain and can provide healing and strength through it, not around it.

And the three therapies and the 12-step philosophy listed above all touch on different ways of bearing up underneath the burden of pain in this same way, attending to it rather than avoiding it.

Photo:
“Napping”, Courtesy of Daniel Martinez, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Embracing the Joys and Challenges of Being Adoptive Parents

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Children are a gift from the Lord, and they come into our lives in various ways. Being a parent may be a difficult and beautiful calling and task, but few things in life feel as meaningful. You may have become a parent via adoption or by birth, but your child is your child, and they are a part of your family and your life.

Adoption is a beautiful way of welcoming a child into your family, but like most things in life, becoming adoptive parents has its joys and challenges.

The Joys of Welcoming a Child Into Your Family

Adding a child into your life, whether biological or adoptive, can bring many unknowns. But at its core, it is the joyful process of adding another member to the family. Watching a child grow and learn is unlike any other experience.

Some of the joys of being adoptive parents include:

Providing a safe and loving home The child you’re adopting can come from any number of circumstances and family history. Every child deserves the love of a family. One of the joys of being an adoptive parent is in providing a welcoming, lifelong home to a child. Being able to provide a safe household with loving parents is a huge blessing that the child is being made part of.

Being able to raise a child Your own story leading into adoption is unique, but families that choose to adopt often do so because of challenges such as infertility. This can bring grief. Adopting a child allows a family to realize their dream of raising a child.

Experiencing new cultures and traditions An international or cross-cultural adoption may be what best fits your family and situation. This provides unique responsibilities, including learning about your child’s birth culture and identity so that you can answer your child’s questions, and also so that you can walk with them if and when they decide to explore it further.

Becoming a multicultural or interracial family means that the whole family must adjust, learn, and grow to make the family a truly welcoming space for everyone, just as it would with another child.

Challenges of Being Adoptive Parents

Though there are significant joys to being an adoptive parent, there are some challenges to be mindful of as well. Some of these include:

The adoption process itself One of the first challenges an adoptive parent needs to reckon with is the process of adoption itself. The process can be complicated, expensive, and take a long time to bring to completion whether you’re doing it domestically or internationally.

If you’ve adopted a child through foster care, you may have had a difficult journey with the child’s biological family as well. It’s important to maintain a relationship when possible but that can be difficult for both your family and your child.

Grief and loss For the child who’s being adopted, leaving their foster parents or caregivers behind, and moving to a new city or country can cause grief. That grief may manifest as sadness, but also as tantrums, angry outbursts, or other forms of maladaptive behavior. In addition to the child’s grief, you may deal with secondary trauma based on your journey as an adoptive parent.

People’s unhelpful or inappropriate questions When your adoptive child doesn’t look like you or your partner, your family may be exposed to questions that run the gamut from well-intentioned, to malicious, and from mildly inappropriate and uncomfortable to way over the line.

In these and other situations where you are exposed to people’s unhelpful curiosity, you and your child don’t need to respond to every question. It’s important to talk with your child before these comments come up about how they would like you to respond or how you can respond together as a family.

Building secure attachments Your adoptive child has experienced at least one disruption to their attachment, and they may have been in a situation where their needs were not consistently met. All this can lead to having an insecure attachment. By being consistent and predictable, adoptive parents can help their children develop healthier attachments to them and others.

Recognizing your adoptive child’s birth family and culture The fact that your child was born to other parents can be a source of insecurity and anger in your family. Your child’s curiosity about where they come from may feel uncomfortable for you, but it’s important to respect that curiosity and share the information you have in an age-appropriate way.

It also helps for you to be curious about, as well as provide opportunities for the child to experience, their birth culture and identity. One strategy that may be helpful is to have regular check-ins with your child about their thoughts and questions related to their birth family. In these conversations, work on creating a safe environment for your child to express themselves without fear of judgment around their questions and thoughts.

Feeling alienation An adoptive child may feel like they aren’t truly part of the family, and these feelings may be heightened if there is a history of abandonment and neglect in their background. It can also be a challenge to knit together your biological and adoptive children into a cohesive whole, especially if your adoptive child enters the family when your biological children are a little older or the birth order is disrupted in some way.

These challenges in no way suggest that being an adoptive parent is necessarily more difficult than being a biological parent. Each child is different, and their unique set of needs also differs. Parenting requires creativity, perseverance, and boldness. It stretches you beyond your capacities sometimes, but in our parenting as in anything else, we can rely on God’s joy, grace, and strength to help us.

One of the gifts a parent can pass on to their child is the gift of the gospel. The Lord places children in our care so that we can nurture them and mold their character. A person’s personality is shaped by their DNA, but their character and whether they are people of virtue is determined by nurture. The child in your care, whether they are there by adoption or by birth, has the opportunity to know the Lord Jesus through you and how you nurture them.

Embracing All of Life As Adoptive Parents

Journeys in life aren’t meant to be taken alone. Parenting is rewarding but can be exceptionally hard. The journey to becoming an adoptive parent can be difficult, and part of how you can embrace that difficulty is to embrace others who are making or have made the same journey. Adoption communities are a great source of support for adoptive parents, and they can share their experiences and wisdom.

It’s also important that you understand that just as any other family faces its challenges as it goes through various transitions, your family is also undergoing challenges. Some parents experience struggles with adapting to their new role as parents and might question their ability to raise this new child in their lives.

These are real challenges even for biological parents, and they can be addressed in part by adjusting one’s expectations, settling into the role, and deepening the bond with the child by spending consistent time with them. Parenting classes can also help address concerns and provide tools for new parents.

It also helps to remember that you can’t always control how other people react or respond to you and your child. People can make hurtful or insulting remarks without knowing it. If you know that questions will come, it helps to be prepared to face these types of comments and questions, and you can also help your child prepare to answer them as well. Doing so can make a huge difference in the ability to deal with the situation and take things in stride.

Through open communication with your child, and by being supportive, consistent, present, and curious, you can set your family up for success. Having consistent routines, building new family traditions, and embracing and retelling your story as a complex family can all help you appreciate the family the Lord has given you.

Raising a child requires humility; it can be difficult to come to your wits’ end and say, “I just don’t know”. Coming to the end of your knowledge doesn’t mean that you’re not a good parent. It simply means you’re a human being who has an area to grow and develop in. It’s important when we reach those points to be willing to seek help. I mentioned adoptive communities earlier; these are great spaces to find help and support on your parenting journey.

Christian Counseling for Adoptive Parents in Newport Beach, California

You can also seek help in the form of Christian family counseling in Newport Beach, California. A Christian family counselor in Newport Beach can help your child and family if there are issues such as adjusting to the new situation or overcoming abandonment and neglect issues.

Your counselor can help you devise effective strategies to nurture your child and cultivate a healthy home environment that allows your whole family to thrive. Contact us today at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to schedule an appointment.

Photos:
“Mother and Child”, Courtesy of Zach Lucero, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; Reading a Book”, Courtesy of olia danilevich, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Family Walking”, Courtesy of Vidal Balielo Jr., Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Three Pairs of Shoes”, Courtesy of Lisa Fotios, Pexels.com, CC0 License

 

What is High-Functioning Autism?

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Autism is a neurological/developmental spectrum disorder that can include many different symptoms and a broad range of severity from mild to severe. High-functioning autism, formerly referred to as Asperger’s syndrome, is an informal term that refers to autistic people who have mild symptoms, low support needs, can handle basic life skills, and can live independently. It is not an official medical term or diagnosis.

Symptoms of High-Functioning Autism

People with high-functioning autism typically have good verbal skills, an average or above average IQ, and excel in certain areas of specific interest, as well as specialized fields such as technology or the arts.

Nevertheless, they too share several identifying traits with individuals on other levels of the autism spectrum, such as a lack of social skills, struggles with sensory processing, and significant challenges in areas such as interacting and communicating with others, which can negatively impact their confidence and self-esteem.

Although people with high-functioning autism may understand the rules of grammar and have a good vocabulary, for instance, they have difficulty discerning other people’s feelings and reactions; take things literally and have trouble understanding figurative speech, jokes, or sarcasm; are unable to recognize social cues or interpret facial expressions or body language; and have difficulty initiating or maintaining conversations.

They tend to avoid eye contact or small talk, be unaware of personal space, can get so stressed by social situations that they shut down, and have trouble making or maintaining friendships.

People with high-functioning autism may also be very rigid when it comes to routines and orderliness, have restricted interests, engage in repetitive patterns of behavior such as hand flapping; and be hypersensitive to sensory stimuli such as bright lights, strong smells, or loud noises, which can make outings difficult and lead to emotional meltdowns.

High-functioning autism may be hard to spot because by the time these individuals reach adulthood, many have developed ways to cope, compensate, and mask their symptoms, and they may not realize they are autistic or that what they are doing is anything other than normal.

Managing Symptoms of High-Functioning Autism

With the right support and accommodations, people with high-functioning autism can live fulfilling and productive lives. Two common evidence-based interventions that are highly beneficial are social skills training and applied behavioral analysis.

Social skills training (SST)The goal of social skills training is to help you understand social interactions, learn how to effectively engage with others, and equip you to navigate social situations smoothly. The focus is on developing skills such as active listening, understanding non-verbal clues, and expressing yourself clearly and appropriately.

Applied behavioral analysis (ABA) Applied behavioral analysis is a therapeutic approach that uses positive reinforcement to help you replace challenging behaviors with more positive, appropriate ones. The focus is on teaching social skills in a systematic way that breaks them down into smaller components, and on equipping you with coping techniques for dealing with sensory overload.

Vocational therapy, though not specifically a therapeutic intervention, can help you address workplace-related challenges such as hypersensitivity to noise that makes it hard for you to work in a traditional setting. It can also help you find a job that aligns with your interests and strengths in an accommodating workplace where you can achieve your fullest potential and enjoy a successful, rewarding career.

Finding a Christian therapist in Newport Beach

If you would like to learn some of these therapies to help you or a loved one with high-functioning autism, contact our office today at Newport Beach Christian Counseling in California. Our reception team would be happy to schedule your first assessment with one of the Christian therapists in Newport Beach.

References:
Kim Barloso. “What is High Functioning Autism?” Autism Parenting Magazine. December 9, 2024. autismparentingmagazine.com/high-functioning-autism-other-types-of-autism/.

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“Sea Cliff”, Courtesy of Mario Vassiliades, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

10 Tips for Preventing an Anger Outburst

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An anger outburst is an intense and sudden expression of anger. A variety of factors can cause anger outbursts, including frustration, perceived wrongs, and stress. Anger itself is a natural and normal emotion. However, excessive anger can damage you and others. It’s essential to learn how to manage anger in effective and healthy ways.

How Anger Damages Relationships

Anger affects relationships in negative ways. When anger is not managed carefully and wisely. It can wreak havoc in relationships. Problems can include communication breakdown, resentment, and ongoing conflicts.

Communication takes a hit when there are frequent angry outbursts. Angry people often speak in aggressive or hostile ways. This can make other people feel threatened or verbally attacked. Results may include defensiveness, shutting down, or stonewalling. This cycle can cause communication breakdowns, which make conflict resolution nearly impossible.

Anger outbursts cause conflicts in relationships. Arguments and fights that include anger outbursts damage relationships. Over time, repeated conflicts cause hurt feelings, broken trust, and resentment, which can take a lot of effort and time to repair.

Bitterness and resentment are other ways that anger outbursts affect relationships. Anger that is not managed well can lead to buried feelings, including resentment and bitterness. These negative attributes work like poison to ruin a relationship over time. Once bitterness and resentment set in in our relationship, it can make it difficult to return to a positive and healthy point.

Learning to manage anger effectively will prevent anger outbursts and improve relationships. A qualified Christian counselor can help you rebuild and maintain positive and healthy connections with family members, friends, and other important people in your life.

How to Prevent an Anger Outburst

The good news is that you can learn to prevent an anger outburst. By working with a counselor, you can practice techniques so that you’ll be prepared the next time anger starts rising.

A good way to prevent an anger outburst is to practice relaxation techniques every day. Deep breathing is an excellent practice in the heat of the moment. You can also try progressive muscle relaxation and meditating on God’s word. If you get in a rhythm of practicing these techniques every day, you can calm your body and mind and be more prepared when you are triggered.

Managing triggers is an important part of preventing an anger outburst. An anger trigger is a thought, situation, or event that leads to an outburst. When you are more aware of the things that trigger you, you can practice self-control in a heated moment rather than reacting with an anger outburst. A counselor can help you identify your triggers so you are better prepared and more self-aware.

Learning to communicate effectively when you’re angry is an important way to prevent an anger outburst from occurring. You may have suffered negative consequences for lashing out, hurling insults, or demonstrating aggressive behavior in past instances.

With a counselor’s help, you can learn to express your anger in assertive yet calm and self-controlled ways. Your counselor can role-play with you to help you use certain statements like “I feel angry when you do that” instead of blaming, criticizing, or attacking someone else.

By putting these strategies into regular practice, you can learn to manage your anger and reduce the chance that an anger outburst will occur.

Ways to Avoid an Anger Outburst

There are many things you can do on your own to learn how to manage anger and reduce the chance of an anger outburst. Here are ten tips for managing anger.

Meditate daily

By choosing a verse of God’s word upon which you can meditate every day, you will be better prepared in the moment when an anger trigger strikes. Choose verses that talk about anger or self-control and think about them carefully, repeating them over and over.

Displaying them in conspicuous places can help you memorize these verses so you have them ready when you feel triggered. In the heat of a moment, you can repeat the verse back to yourself and invite God into your situation. He will help you practice self-control rather than reacting with an anger outburst.

Identify the causes of your anger

Often, people who struggle with anger outbursts have deep, underlying issues fueling their anger. You can meet with a counselor to identify the causes of your anger. Your counselor can help you develop strategies to overcome underlying issues so they aren’t weighing you down anymore.

Recognize and manage triggers

There could be many reasons your anger is triggered. It’s helpful to think about the thoughts, situations, or events that have triggered your anger in the past. If you talk about this with your counselor, you will be better equipped to handle your anger the next time you are triggered.

Communicate effectively

When you are caught up in an angry outburst, it’s likely that you aren’t communicating your feelings in an effective way. You may say things that you don’t mean yet still cause hurt feelings for the other people in your life. By working with the counselor, you can learn new ways of communicating effectively when you are angry without lashing out at other people.

Take a break

Taking a break when you’re angry is a great way to recenter yourself and calm down. Simply let the other person know you’re stepping away for a moment. Take a short walk and count to ten, and practice some deep breathing so you can come back into the moment with a greater sense of self-control.

Use humor

When the time is right, humor can be effective in reducing anger. Learn to laugh at yourself and not take everything so seriously. Look for humor even in difficult situations, and you might not be triggered as often as you have been in the past.

Get physical

Because anger releases stress hormones in our bodies, we need physical activity to metabolize those hormones. So, physical activity when you are angry can help you blow off steam and feel much better. A brisk walk or jog can help, as well as shooting baskets or hitting baseballs, or golf balls. Just fifteen minutes of physical activity when you are angry can help you metabolize those stress hormones.

Practice mindfulness

When you practice mindfulness, you pay attention to your thoughts and feelings without judging yourself. You also use your senses to be present in the moment. Practicing mindfulness increases self-awareness, so you are more in tune with your feelings. This can give you clarity and perspective that can reduce the chances of an anger outburst.

Be patient with yourself

Learning to manage your anger is a process. It can take weeks or months to see significant improvements. Rather than becoming discouraged, learn to be patient with yourself and show yourself compassion as you learn to manage your anger. Meeting regularly with a qualified counselor during this process can help it go more smoothly.

Seek professional help

If your anger has taken a serious toll on your personal or professional relationships, you need to seek professional help. A mental health professional, such as a Christian counselor, can provide the guidance and support you need in developing a strategy for managing anger and preventing anger outbursts.

Ongoing Anger Management Therapy in California

As stated before, learning to manage your anger is a process. The process will be easier for you if you have support all along the way. A caring Christian counselor in California can meet with you regularly, not just to identify underlying issues and triggers, but also to role-play situations in which you would normally get angry. By practicing with your counselor, you will be better prepared to handle your triggers, and this can greatly improve your relationships over time.

Don’t hesitate to reach out to a qualified counselor to get practical and spiritual help in preventing an anger outburst. Contact us today to schedule an appointment.

Photos:
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5 Tips for Managing Anxiety in Pregnancy

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Anxiety in pregnancy is common. Women can face several worrisome factors, such as:

  • The health of their unborn child.
  • Their health.
  • Anticipation of labor and delivery.
  • Financial problems.
  • Juggling a job and pregnancy.
  • Other children at home.
  • Hormonal fluctuations.

Chronic anxiety can make sleep difficult and cause fluctuating emotions to worsen.

5 Tips for Managing Anxiety in Pregnancy

Pregnancy affects each woman differently. Some women are more prone to anxiety, especially with hormones fluctuating and uncertainties about the pregnancy, birth, and life with a newborn. To manage anxiety in pregnancy, you will need to make healthier choices and lifestyle changes. The goal is to feel calmer, peaceful, and accepted, so staying active and social is important for your physical and mental health.

The following are several tips for managing anxiety in pregnancy.

Stay active

Staying active will keep your joints and muscles flexible and strong. The body undergoes many changes during pregnancy, and the fluctuating hormones can leave you stiff and achy in certain areas. Walking is an effective exercise that most women can do throughout pregnancy.

Although you will need to make modifications, stretching, yoga, and some resistance training are generally safe. Exercise triggers the release of endorphins that will help smooth tense muscles and lower anxiety, leaving you much calmer and more relaxed.

Go to bed

Sleep is now more important than ever as the body needs enough to recharge and repair. Pregnancy hormones and a protruding belly can make sleep challenging. Try creating a bedtime routine to trigger that it is time to sleep. Take a warm shower or bath, drink a warm beverage, and settle into bed with a book an hour or so earlier. If your schedule permits, take a quick nap during the day.

Stick to healthy foods

Processed and junk foods and foods with added sugars can worsen anxiety symptoms. Aim for healthier fare such as lean protein, complex carbohydrates, fresh fruits and vegetables, and healthy fats.

Your physician may also suggest prenatal vitamins to ensure you receive adequate amounts. The vitamins and minerals found in whole foods and prenatal supplements can help you manage anxiety and boost your immune system, not to mention the health benefits to the baby.

Befriend the women at church

Isolation can aggravate anxiety symptoms and increase your risk of developing depression. If you belong to a church, seek a women’s group. This could be a mission group, women’s Bible study group, or mom’s group. If you do not have one at your church, look online for other women’s groups in your area. Feeling a sense of belonging and leaning on other mothers for support and encouragement will boost your confidence and mental health.

Know your limits

Now is not the time to hustle and push yourself beyond your limits, physically or mentally. Know when to slow down and respect what your body and mind can do this season. It may not be what you are used to, but that is all right. Accept that you are growing another human inside of you, and that takes energy. Set boundaries to protect your health from trying to do too much.

Christian counseling for anxiety in Newport Beach

Help is available for anxiety in pregnancy. Contact our office today at Newport Beach Christian Counseling in California to schedule a session with a Christian counselor in Newport Beach specializing in mental conditions during and after pregnancy. You can manage symptoms effectively while you wait for your sweet bundle of joy.

Photo:
“Pregnant Woman Reading”, Courtesy of Natalia Blauth, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Dealing with Codependency in Friendships

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The book of Proverbs, which is one of the wisdom books in the Bible, has this to say about friendship:

One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother – Proverbs 18:24, NIV

This book, and the rest of the Bible, has a lot more to say about friends and friendship, but there’s a sense in which this verse is a great summary of it all. Some friends will lead to ruin, and “ruin” may look like several different things, but there are other friends who are not only so reliable that they can be counted on more than your own relatives, but they also cause you to prosper.

There’s a lot that’s been written about friendship. One of the best reflections on friendship was produced by C. S. Lewis, and in The Four Loves, he has these two gems: “Friendship …is born at the moment when one man says to another ‘What! You too? I thought that no one but myself…’”. He also wrote: “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”

It is possible to survive without friendships, but surely our lives are poorer for it. Friendships, as Lewis put it, give value to survival. They provide us with human connection, joy, and support. There are different kinds of friendships, differing in proximity and depth, but they also differ in how healthy they are. Some friendships are afflicted with unhealthy patterns such as codependency.

Friendships and Codependent Behavior

Codependency is an unhealthy dynamic that can attach itself to different kinds of relationships. This includes the parent-child relationship, romantic relationships, between siblings, coworkers, and friendships. Codependency involves a pattern of relying excessively on another person; this reliance can be both psychological and emotional, and it goes beyond the healthy interdependence that relationships ought to have.

The idea of codependency is typically associated with addiction. In that context, codependency describes the ways the partner or family members relate to their loved one who’s struggling with substance abuse. The partner or family members are overly involved in their loved one’s life, performing a rescuing function. The dynamic is skewed and unhealthy.

Codependency can also be used as a term to describe friendships and other relationships, especially where there is a significant imbalance of power and responsibility in the relationship. In a given relationship, the codependent dynamic is often rooted in early life experiences, like when a person grows up in a dysfunctional family and their needs are ignored or left unmet. These dynamics can be carried forward into other relationships.

In a friendship, two people may meet, and in one or both of their lives, they may have learned to put the needs of others above their own. There may also be a pattern of seeking acceptance from others and finding validation in how others perceive them. What this often translates into is a friend who has an unhealthy habit of self-sacrifice and neglecting their own well-being.

Identifying Codependency in Friendships

What’s the difference between codependency in friendships, and friendships where there is a healthy self-regard? A good friend is willing to sacrifice themselves on your behalf. After all, Jesus, who wants to call us a friend, died for us, the righteous one dying for ungodly people (Romans 5:6-8). However, unlike Jesus, a codependent friend is unable to say “no”, even when it’s detrimental to their own well-being. In other words, they don’t have healthy boundaries.

The lack of boundaries is one of the main things that can help you identify a codependent dynamic in a relationship. To address codependence in your friendship, you need to be able to identify it, whether you’re the codependent one, or the one who’s benefitting from this dynamic. Some of the signs to look out for include the following:

A lack of boundaries With codependency in friendships, personal boundaries are often blurred or non-existent. These boundaries include having your own opinions, demarcating things that you don’t want to get involved in or do, and being able to say “no” when something goes against your values.

Where there is a lack of boundaries, you can wind up feeling trapped in the relationship, unable to express your own needs or desires.

Excessive caretaking If you are a codependent friend, you’ll often assume the role of a caretaker over your friend. You may feel responsible for the other person’s happiness and well-being. To accomplish this happiness, you may put your friend’s needs above your own, even when it becomes detrimental to your well-being.

For instance, you may loan your friend money when you need it to pay your mortgage or car loan, putting your own credit and living situation in danger.

Resentment and controlling behavior Excessive caretaking can be a sign of codependency, and with that, there is also often resentment that takes root. When you don’t take care of your own needs, you wear yourself thin. The codependent person may be resentful toward the other person, and because they feel responsible for them, they often become controlling.

Fear of abandonment A person with codependent tendencies will often have an intense fear of being abandoned by others. This may be the result of past experiences. Having such a fear can lead to clingy behavior. They may go to great lengths to keep the friendship, even when it becomes decidedly toxic or unhealthy.

Need for approval Codependency will often leave a person with a strong need for approval and validation from others. A codependent person will often have an underdeveloped sense of self, and they feel important or valuable only insofar as other people around them accord them that value. They are often overly concerned with pleasing others and may feel worthless without their friend’s affirmation.

This is one of the reasons why a codependent person will stay in an unhealthy relationship, or why they will struggle to say “no” or to give valid criticism about their friend’s behavior – it may mean that their friend won’t give them the approval they crave, so it’s easier to just go with the flow.

Difficulty in decision-making Another sign of a codependent relationship is that a codependent individual might struggle to make decisions independently and rely heavily on their friend’s opinions and guidance.

Dealing with Codependency in Friendships

When it comes to dealing with codependency in a friendship, there are various strategies you can deploy to handle the situation. If you’re codependent, you don’t have to wait for your friends or loved ones to agree with you before you start making changes in your life. You can commit yourself and begin to consciously put in the hard work necessary to change things.

Some things you can do include the following:

Nurturing self-awareness You can begin by nurturing self-awareness about the patterns in your relationships. Pause and reflect on your behavior and motives in the friendship, especially around any self-sacrificial behavior.

Build your self-esteem You can work on building your self-esteem and self-worth from within. Take time to engage in activities that make you feel happy, competent, and confident. Remind yourself what Scripture says about you and why you’re valuable in the Lord’s eyes.

Set healthy boundaries It’s important that you set and communicate clear boundaries with others. Boundaries help to create a balanced relationship where you both feel respected and valued. Know that it’s okay for you to say “no” and to prioritize your own needs. It takes time, but nurture the understanding that taking care of yourself isn’t selfish but necessary for healthy relationships.

Foster independence One way to begin reversing codependency is to encourage yourself to make decisions independently. You can have your own opinions and interests, entirely separate from the things your friend is interested in.

Talk with your friend You should have open and honest communication with your friend, discussing your feelings and concerns about the dynamics of the relationship. You can both, in your own way, work together toward a healthier, more balanced relationship.

Let go In some instances, you need to let go of relationships. If your friend doesn’t want to honor your boundaries and right to say “no”, and if that friendship is causing more harm than good, then it might be time to reconsider its place in your life.

Seek professional help You don’t have to figure out how to do all this by yourself. You can make use of therapy or counseling to overcome codependency. Your counselor can walk with you to unpack and explore the underlying causes of your codependent behavior, and they can also provide you with effective strategies to develop a more secure sense of self and healthier relationships that are built on mutual respect. Contact our office today to learn more.

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5 Ways to Cope with Functioning Depression

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A person who is dealing with depression may find activities to be difficult, and even being fully productive at work or with other activities may be nearly impossible. However, many people who deal with functioning depression still feel this depression symptom but can function each day. A person who is suffering from depression can look on the outside as if they are doing well while on the inside, they are suffering.

It is essential to identify a person who is dealing with functional depression and help them cope with this illness so that they can thrive and become well-adjusted individuals when their depression has improved. Seeking support from a professional, at Newport Beach Christian Counseling , can play a key role in assisting individuals in managing their depression and finding healthy ways to cope.

5 Ways to Cope with Functioning Depression

Here are five ways to cope with functioning depression:

Keep a routine

A person who has a routine and is suffering from depression does not have to think about what comes next. A person with a routine will also feel safe and allow themselves to process the feelings they’re dealing with. Throwing something new at them that requires a lot of social interaction or faking emotions may not suit them at this time.

For example, a person who has established a routine but is invited to a surprise party for a friend may need support to attend. If that person gets a lot of stress from the situation they may find it challenging to cope.

People suffering from depression need to keep a good routine, especially at night, to help them sleep so they can wake up and deal with whatever comes. Drink a soothing beverage, watch a particular television show that makes you happy, avoid any stimulants like caffeine, and take time to read. Limit any violent or sad books, news, magazines, and music.

Because people do not have control over what comes on their TV screens, you need to limit your access. Find a particular show you enjoy. It could be a sitcom from years past or a current show. Limit the amount of violent content, gratuitous sexual content, or filthy language. Limit exposure to things that bring you down. Focus on the positive each day.

Do things you enjoy

It is also essential to spend time doing things you enjoy. Even for someone who has limited hobbies, find something you like. Create using drawing, painting, or other creative resources. Invest some money in learning something new. A person with functioning depression needs to have something that helps them feel more productive and move forward in life.

A person who is dealing with depression may feel stuck or feel like their life is not worth living. By having something new and something exciting to look forward to, a person with a vision may have fewer thoughts of hopelessness and more thoughts of anticipation for the future.

Plan your future

It is also essential for people with depression to plan their future. Where do you want to see your life in five years? Ten years? One year? Even if your main goal is to get rid of depression symptoms, find ways to be excited about the future even if you have to live with depression for the rest of your life.

A person dealing with functional depression needs to plan, but they may not have the strength or even the motivation to do it on their own. They need to find someone who can help them create short-term and long-term goals to help them achieve this. Short-term goals are the most difficult for some people; thinking ahead to the next day is difficult because there’s no passion or motivation.

You may see improvement in your symptoms as you begin to get into it, and your passion for life is reignited. Furthermore, planning long-term goals will help you see hope and a future for your life.

Living daily and hoping to make it through the day’s no way to live. However, a person with things to look forward to for years ahead will have more hope and passion for their lives. They’ll engage with those around them when they feel more hope and love.

Take time off

In some cases, people who are dealing with depression may need to take some time off from work and other responsibilities. The pressure from mounting responsibilities and having too much on your plate may be contributing to depression. Taking some time off to rest, reflect on life, and process any residual pain from previous problems may help you move forward in your battle with depression.

If finances allow, take some time to travel and see some new and exciting places. Sometimes, getting out of your old environment and going to a new place will help inspire you to get more excited about the life you’re leading. Engaging in activities you enjoy in a new place that allows you to explore new worlds might ignite your passion and excitement when you get home.

Although this is not a one-time fix for every case of depression, in some cases, a person who gets excited about doing things that they enjoy when exploring a new place can get a new lease on life.

Be open

Unfortunately, there is still a stigma surrounding people who have depression in any form. It is difficult for people to talk about their struggles, including mental health ones. Many Christians believe that depression is all in someone’s head or a figment of their imagination. However, depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues are real issues that people deal with.

Due to chemical imbalances in the brain, many people deal with mental health issues without being able to express what they’re dealing with clearly. Being open and letting people know exactly how you’re feeling may help take the pressure off having to perform a certain way for people to like them.

If this is difficult for you, surround yourself with a small group of friends who are there for you. Build trust by engaging in a local church and participating with people. When you enter a small group, wait until you can discern who is a person you can trust regarding this information.

You may find people are way more understanding than you realize. Having a group of people who love you and want what’s best for you can make all the difference in your fight against depression.

Knowing that you have someone to reach out to when you’re struggling who will express that they will love and pray for you can do wonders for you when you feel like you’re alone. When you are surrounded by people who love you and are rooting for you, they can help you take charge of your life and do what it takes to heal yourself through treatment and medication.

Keeping mental health issues secret does not help anyone when it comes to the battle with depression. However, by bringing that issue into the light, you can see your value and recover your interest in activities and relationships.

Functioning with depression is never easy. However, with hope for your future, you can keep a steady routine, do things you enjoy, and find you can cope with your symptoms much more quickly than someone who does not.

For more information and to meet with me or another Christian counselor in California regarding your functioning depression symptoms, call our office today at Newport Beach Christian Counseling.

Photos:
“Admiring the View”, Courtesy of Noah Silliman, Unsplash.com, CC0 License;”Checklist”, Courtesy of Glenn Carstens-Peters, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Painter”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Watching the Water”, Courtesy of Muhammadh Saamy, Unsplash.com, CC0 License