What is Spiritual Development and Why Does it Matter?

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Over the thousands of years that have passed since Jesus lived here on earth, theologians have defined spiritual development in a variety of ways. Since we live in an increasingly pluralist and secular culture, spiritual development can have widely different meanings depending on who is defining it.

A general definition to start with is that spiritual development is a belief in a higher reality, something that exists outside of the material reality.

For those who follow Christ, the meaning of spiritual development is more specific. According to Acts 17:28, “… in him we live and move and have our being.” Our core nature, desire for significance and purpose, and our sense of belonging are derived from God himself, as he transforms us through Jesus Christ and his infallible, unchanging Word.

Romans 12:2 powerfully exhorts us: “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” This is a concise biblical summary of the purpose of spiritual development.

The truth that comes from God and his design for us, change us from the inside out in everything we do. He has given us all of our intelligence, skills, and abilities, and he requires that we steward those gifts according to his will. The more we develop spiritually, the more we align our wills with God’s will for our lives and for all of creation.

To put it simply, we can define spiritual development as becoming more like Jesus each day.

Spiritual Development as a Process

Spiritual development is not an instant transformation, but a lifelong journey of maturing and becoming Christ-like. God provides daily grace and power to his children as he refines them into his image. In Scripture, we see God’s refining spoken of as a process or journey. Here are several passages to illustrate:

  • Jesus says to his disciples, “seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Matthew 6:33).
  • “Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6).
  • We don’t grow in isolation; we are sanctified in fellowship with Christ’s body, the church. “So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors, and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up” (Ephesians 4:11-12).

Spiritual Guidance in Spiritual Development

 

It’s important to receive spiritual guidance from fellow Christians, but this doesn’t have to take place in an authoritarian context. A spiritual guide should be a helper who walks in step with the Holy Spirit. Counseling and coaching, such as those offered by Newport Beach Christian Counseling, can be contexts for this supportive role.

One area in which spiritual guidance is important is correcting inaccurate beliefs about God’s attributes. Ignorance and lies about who God is need to be revealed and refuted for true spiritual growth to take place. Believing the truth about God and understanding who he really is, allows us to be restored and healed when receiving spiritual guidance. God’s love heals us so that we can live for him.

In this setting, spiritual guidance helps to reshape our inner thinking and belief systems, which we then carry out into the world around us. God is not only our personal Lord and Savior but One Who loves justice and peace in the world at large.

As we grow in Christ, we will become more aware of God’s immanent presence and guidance in our everyday lives. In attempting to carry out his will on a practical level, he will be with you. His manifest presence can be cherished even in the day-to-day mundane tasks of life.

It’s important to embrace the reality of God’s immanent, caring nature for his children, while also remembering his utter sovereignty over every human issue, from individuals to nations to the entire created universe. He reveals himself to us by means of the Holy Spirit through his Word, as well as through our circumstances, other believers, prayers, and the church, guiding us on our journey with him.

Spiritual Development as Counseling and Coaching

One way to look at spiritual development is through the lens of progressive stages. Erik Erikson has popularly described the stages of a human lifespan, and we can use these to describe the stages of development in our faith. Christian psychologists Yvonne Bissonnette Tate and Stephen Parker have correlated Erikson’s model to a spiritual growth model.

When a Christian is first born again, this stage can be called spiritual infancy. It is characterized, just as in Erikson’s model, by the tension between trust and mistrust, or a strong faith in God vs. despair and sadness, and a feeling that God is unreliable. For a believer, this tension is resolved by embracing hope in Christ through faith, which will last a lifetime.

Erikson’s model concludes with the stage of adulthood, which in the Christian walk relates to spiritual maturity, that is, a Christian who has grown up into wisdom and sanctification. This Christian is equipped to be a spiritual guide to other believers as they grow in their own faith.

A Christian counselor or coach should be trying to help clientsto mature spiritually or reach the “spiritual adult” stage. Counseling can reveal barriers to maturity, and obstacles like isolation, misplaced shame, unconfessed sin, and unbelief.

In counseling, it’s possible to evaluate a client’s maturity level and stage of development, and then mentor the client in areas of trusting God, resisting temptation through his strength, pursuing him on a daily basis, and cultivating a love motivation to work for him.

By the power of his Spirit, God can use Christian counseling as a tool for growth in the life of a believer. Clients often find comfort in knowing their issues are understood by an empathetic listener, and they find encouragement as they are reminded of ways the Lord is working in their lives.

Spiritual Development: Purpose

Our ultimate purpose as believers is to glorify God by seeking righteousness found only in Christ Jesus. God has promised us that we will only find complete happiness in an eternal relationship with him. “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled” (Matthew 5:6). As followers of Christ, we should find our greatest purpose and passion in seeking God’s kingdom and righteousness.

Again, we must remember that sanctification is a process. God’s love compels Christians to “press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called [us] heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:14). This is both our eternal destiny and our temporal pursuit.

Scripture portrays spiritual growth as a growing to maturity: “Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation” (1 Peter 2:2). “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ” (Ephesians 4:15).

Motivation to mature spiritually comes, as we have seen, because we are compelled by the love of Christ, and also because we are called to put our selfish desires to death and clothe ourselves with Christ. “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” (Galatians 2:20).

We can see a correlation with this death to self in the first step of Alcoholics Anonymous. All members begin by admitting that their lives are a mess and that they are powerless over their addiction.

In the same way, we cannot save ourselves from sin and its consequences; we are completely powerless on our own to live our lives according to God’s will. This teaches a theology of sin, which is paramount to our faith.

As believers, we will not attain perfection this side of heaven, and certainly not by pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps. The second step of AA is to acknowledge that God alone is able to do the work of restoration. Step three requires submission of yourself to the Lord.

Though obviously, not every Christian is an alcoholic, these principles are a fitting reminder of the fact that we are all addicted to sin. This addiction will stunt our spiritual development.

Addiction, in the Biblical worldview, is a form of idolatry and prevents us from giving God his due worship.  It can run the gamut from the seemingly innocuous (television, food, social media, or even idolizing family or a ministry role) to the illegal (drugs, theft, illicit sex, etc.).

To grow spiritually, we must pursue God with a heart of genuine worship, knowing that we are imperfect creatures and surrendering our full hearts and lives to him in every area. “Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Ephesians 5:1).

Spiritual Development: Purpose from Calling

It’s common for a believer to feel conflicted about discerning what the will of God is versus their own personal desires. A calling is one way to describe God’s will in an individual’s life.

Calling is defined as follows: “A calling is a transcendent summons, experienced as originating beyond the self, to approach a particular life role in a manner oriented toward demonstrating or deriving a sense of purpose or meaningfulness and that holds other-oriented values and goals as primary sources of motivation” (Dik & Duffy, 2009, p. 427).

The word calling is often used to refer to vocational ministry but also applies to any profession in which a believer may be engaged. This emphasis grew stronger during the Protestant Reformation when the reformers emphasized the doctrine that all believers are priests who can come to God on their own through Christ.

One study has found that men who decided to become Catholic priests placed a high level of importance on integrating their identity as priests with a strong sense of self.

We can correlate this to the doctrine of the priesthood of all believers; Christians who embrace this doctrine can find a stronger purpose in their individual vocations. God’s will is transcendent, or high above us, yet it is also immanent, interacting with our personal identities and lives.

A separate study on calling and purpose discovered that people who believe God causes events also perceive him as having sovereign control over every situation. Trusting that God is sovereign helps us to perceive his will in our lives.

People who are able to see their vocation as a calling tend to have better outlooks on their careers and lives. But beyond simply achieving personal benefit, it’s important to seek God’s will in our careers and vocations.

We are God’s instruments in the world: “Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness” (Romans 6:13).

Regardless of a Christian’s particular job in the workplace, all of us are called to be instruments of justice and righteousness in accordance with God’s revealed will.

Discerning God’s will takes place in the context of the body of believers. “For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others” (Romans 12:4-5).

A Christian counselor or coach at Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help you connect to a local church, and embrace patterns of servant leadership as you live out your purpose and calling in the world.

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Common Causes, Symptoms, and Treatment for Eating Disorders

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Eating disorders are complex and are often misunderstood. If someone doesn’t know the underlying issues, they can often wonder “Why does this person hate food so much that they throw it up?”

This might sound strange, but most eating disorders aren’t actually about food. People with eating disorders use it as a form of control. Though they find their surroundings uncontrollable, they can at least control how much or how little food they consume. Newport Beach Christian Counseling provides support and understanding for those struggling with eating disorders.

How Do Eating Disorders Happen?

Family of origin

Eating disorders develop from a range of different areas. When a parent has an unhealthy relationship with food, this relationship can be passed down to their children. If your mom is constantly counting calories or obsessing about each morsel consumed, you might begin to imitate this as well. Whatever the case may be, eating disorders often run in families.

Stress

Stress can trigger also eating disorders. Even turning on the news today can be distressing, so you can imagine the daily stress that people face. If there’s stress at home, work or school, an eating disorder is a response to managing it. Some people overeat when they are under pressure, while others tend to undereat or not eat at all.

Culture

The media and advertising world are plastered with unrealistic expectations for men and women. People who feel the pressure to attain the perfectly chiseled body or flat abs are often plagued by an eating disorder. Their goal is to become like the heavily Photoshopped version of the model on the front cover of their favorite magazine. This is a body image that is severely distorted.

Trauma

Girls or boys that have experienced a form of sexual abuse in childhood can also turn to food to take control of their bodies or use it as a weapon to punish themselves for feelings of shame and guilt.

The Impact of Eating Disorders

According to the National Eating Disorders Association, an estimated 20 million women and 10 million men in America will have an eating disorder at some point in their lives. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness, according to Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders.

Over a lifetime, the following percentages of women and men will experience an eating disorder:

0.9% of women and 0.3% of men had anorexia during their life
1.5% of women and 0.5% of men had bulimia during their life
3.5% of women and 2.0% of men had binge eating disorder during their life

Source: National Eating Disorders Association

What Do People with Eating Disorders Need?

These numbers have little significance for some, but for those who struggle with an eating disorder, or know someone who does, these numbers are alarming since each statistic represents a valuable life.

If you know someone who has an eating disorder, you can educate yourself on the specific disorder, let your friend know you are there to support them and encourage them to make use of individual or family counseling.

Group counseling can also be beneficial if the individual is comfortable sharing in a larger setting. It helps for them to know they are not the only one working through the effects of an eating disorder. Knowing that family and friends support their recovery can make the difference in their growth and healing during their journey.

Eating Disorders are a Form of Addiction

Addictions come in many forms, including eating disorders. An individual can become obsessed with a certain number on the scale or with manipulating their body to look a certain way. A condition called “Body Dysmorphic Disorder” (BDD) can also be related to eating disorders.

Anybody can identify something about their body that might be considered a flaw. Maybe it’s a crooked nose, a lopsided smile or eyes that are different sizes. It’s normal to notice our defects, but people with BDD obsess over these differences daily.  These inconsistencies are prominent in their eyes and demand their time and attention.

Mayo Clinic defines Body Dysmorphic Disorder as “a mental disorder in which you can’t stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that, to others, is either minor or not observable.”

A person who is dangerously skinny can still look in the mirror and see “fat” which in reality is usually skin that has become loose on the body due to a lack of nutrients. This individual could look to cosmetic procedures to fix their perceived flaw.

The Need for Support

In Mark 2:4 a group of friends went to great lengths to ensure their sick friend received direct access to the healer. “They couldn’t bring him to Jesus because of the crowd, so they dug a hole through the roof above his head. Then they lowered the man on his mat, right down in front of Jesus.”

In a time of need, we need friends willing to do whatever it takes to see us get well. It’s important to surround yourself with a team of people who will walk alongside you during your recovery journey.

The team typically consists of professionals, including a counselor, dietician, psychiatrist for medication purposes, and support counselors for meals if the individual is in a treatment facility. Some people who struggle with eating disorders find it helpful to stay at a treatment facility for a designated period of time and others find outpatient care to suffice for their specific purposes.

Helpful Activities when Dealing with an Eating Disorder

You may be wondering if there are any activities that help combat eating disorders? Here are activities that have been successfully implemented at eating disorder clinics.

Individual counseling

Counseling is a tool used to discuss eating issues, body image issues, family history, and what your life looked like before the eating disorder. Freedom can be found during individual counseling.

Meditation

Prayer and yoga are both excellent ways to find peace when the world seems chaotic.

Exercise

Healthy amounts of exercise can boost your mood. Limiting it to three days a week, for 30-minute intervals prevents the exercise from becoming obsessive.

Structured meal times

Professionals can help you learn how to eat in a healthy, balanced way.

Expert assistance

Appointments with a dietician to educate yourself about food, including what your body needs, how much to eat, and from what food groups you should choose can also be helpful. In addition, seeing a psychiatrist for medication to treat any concurrent disorders that may be behind the eating disorder like anxiety, depression, bipolar, drug addiction, or a combination of different issues.

Find a creative outlet

Create something you are proud to display. Spend time reading an interesting book, journaling your experiences, taking on an art project, or listening to uplifting music.

Helping others

Helping others when you are becoming healthier yourself can shift your focus. Helping the next person behind you is one way to remain grateful for your life.

Prayer and Bible Reading for those with Eating Disorders

God’s love is neverending. There’s nothing we can do to exhaust His love for us. It’s natural to drift away from God, to struggle to feel His presence or to forget His promises for our lives. Here are some scripture verses to meditate on during your recovery.

To remind you how intimately God cares about your life

My darling, everything about you is beautiful, and there is nothing at all wrong with you. – Song of Solomon 4:7

You see, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands. – Isaiah 49:16

And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows. – Luke 12:7

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. – Psalm 139:14

To remind you that your body is a vessel for God

Don’t you know that your body is a temple that belongs to the Holy Spirit? The Holy Spirit, whom you received from God, lives in you. You don’t belong to yourselves. You were bought for a price. So bring glory to God in the way you use your body. – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

To remind you that temptation has an escape

The only temptations that you have are the same temptations that all people have. But you can trust God. He will not let you be tempted more than you can bear. But when you are tempted, God will also give you a way to escape that temptation. Then you will be able to endure it. – 1 Corinthians 10:13

To remind you not to worry

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayers and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:6-7

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken. – Psalm 55:22

Keep these verses close to you. During moments of vulnerability or despair, you can remind yourself of the truth tucked away in God’s word.  If you, or a loved one, is living with an eating disorder consider taking the next step and reaching out to a Christian counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling. Freedom can be found only after admitting that help is needed today.

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“Selfie time,” courtesy of CreativeWix.com, pexels.com, CC0 Public Domain License; “Trapped”, Courtesy of Mitchel Lensink, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Friends”, Courtesy of Brooke Cagle, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Bible Study”, Courtesy of Ryan Riggins, Unsplash.com; CC0 License

Pornography Addiction: 6 Practical Methods to Help You Quit

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This article highlights several key activities that can help individuals find victory over their addiction to pornography. In his Sex Addiction Training Workbook, Dr. Douglas Weiss discusses six primary actions that should be assimilated into every recovering sex addict’s daily life.

While these methods are enumerated for those struggling with an addiction to pornography, they are easily adapted for other non-substance addictions such as gambling and shopping. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers guidance and tools to help individuals overcome these challenges.

Six Activities for Overcoming Pornography Addiction

1. The Rubber Band Method

The brain plays a part in every addiction. Certain activities (e.g. watching porn, shopping, gambling) engage the reward center of our brain which releases the chemical dopamine, giving the individual a sort of natural high. This substantially increases the likelihood that the activity will be repeated, creating a threshold for addiction. Over time, the neural pathway in the brain becomes so strong that it becomes harder and harder to stop the behavior.

How the Method Works

Place a thick rubber band around one wrist. Each time you are tempted to engage in the unwanted behavior, snap the rubber band hard against your wrist. The pain stimulus thwarts the work of the subcortical, or impulse-regulating, part of the brain which was poised to reward the acted-upon impulse with a boost of dopamine. Developing the habit of responding to the impulse (e.g. to watch porn) with a snap of the rubber band essentially breaks the impulse-behavior-reward cycle.

2. Prayer

Recovery is an all-out battle and calls for unprecedented vigilance. Most of us try to overcome our addictions with increased will-power or vows to do better next time, all to no avail. We cannot do battle alone. Every morning, pray that God will give you His strength to fight.

Don’t wait until you feel like praying – you often won’t. Don’t wait for a convenient time to pray – you won’t find one. Just pray. Every. Single. Day. Daily, intentional prayer reminds you that you’re not alone and that you have access to supernatural power to overcome the addiction.

3. Connection

Addictions often plunge people into isolation, so connecting with other people is essential while in recovery. In the same way that soldiers fight in battalions, we are not created to do battle with addiction alone.

We need people we can call when we’re facing temptation – people who are safe, available, and not afraid to speak truth to us. In order to establish these accountability relationships, we must first humble ourselves enough to acknowledge that we need others. And then we must call them!

4. Reading

Because battling addiction requires constant vigilance, those seeking victory must make use of every available resource.

Numerous books on porn addiction can be found in the marketplace as well as in public libraries – even digital copies – which can help keep the mind engaged in the process of recovery.

5. Support Group Meetings

As we mentioned earlier, connection with others is essential to the recovery process, but something must be said for connecting with those who are really in the trenches with you.

Support groups and 12-step programs provide connections with fellow recovering addicts – people who have been where you are – which fosters a sense of being truly understood. Making the effort to consistently attend the meetings is also an important step in making recovery a tangible, objective goal.

6. Prayer

Just as you pray for strength at the start of your day, recovering addicts should end the day with a prayer of confession and thanks.

In that way, prayer acts as the bookends of your day and is a means of reflecting on how God has provided for you; it expresses your dependence on God for all things, not just what is related to your recovery.

Christian Counseling for Pornography Addiction Recovery

Newport Beach Christian Counseling can be a powerful resource for those seeking recovery from porn addiction. If you would like help in applying these six methods to your daily life, let me coach you through your recovery.

 

Reference

Weiss, D. (2014). Sex Addiction Training Workbook. American Association for Sex Addiction. Colorado Springs, CO: Discovery Press

Photos

“Rubber band”, Courtesy of Neonbrand, Unsplash.com,. CC0 License; “Prayer”, Courtesy of Jordan Whitfield, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Books”, Courtesy of Rendiansyah Nugroho, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Prayer”, Courtesy of Ayo Ogunseinde, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

The Benefits of Christian Grief Counseling after Losing a Spouse

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There is arguably no harder life change than losing your marriage partner. Whether your spouse died suddenly or after a prolonged illness, you are left in a familiar yet devastated world. Understanding the natural aspects and steps of grieving can be beneficial as you begin the process of living life without your partner. Newport Beach Christian Counseling provides support for individuals navigating the complexities of grief and loss.

Acknowledgement of the Loss

The first response to the loss of a loved one is that of thinking, “they really aren’t gone, are they?” As you grieve, you gradually move from this initial response to a more intellectual acceptance that your spouse is gone and they will never return.

This knowledge also becomes your new emotional reality – e.g. when you remember that your partner is no longer there to turn to, or when you expect familiar words, gestures or responses.

Such habits of togetherness only serve as painful reminders of your loss. This explains why some people suffering from the loss of a loved one reportedly “see” their departed spouse in public places, only to realize later on that it was someone else with a striking resemblance of their loved one that merely conjured memories. Seeing someone you mistake to be your loved one usually brings a ray of hope, a temporary thought that your loved one is not gone after all.

The Need for Expressing Grief

Experiencing the pain of loss is another natural and important part of the grieving process. It includes being willing to not only feel but also express your hurt and any other emotion brought about by your loss.

Grief is a painful experience and it is normal to be overwhelmed with sadness.  Feeling the pain and grief of death helps you to process the different aspects of your loss. It is normal to feel alone because as the bereaved spouse, you are now alone in the relationship.

These strong emotions play an important role in helping you come to terms at an emotional level that your partner is no more. Sometimes, some upsetting and uncomfortable emotions might also emerge. Anxiety, anger, despair, guilt, regret and even depression may surface. These typically reveal the difficult parts of the relationship between the deceased and the bereaved.

Finding Hope in Pain through the Cross

For believers in Christ, death is more than a natural event. We were actually created to be immortal but as a result of sin, death comes upon mankind. We not only die but we also go through the pain of watching loved ones die.

Nonetheless, the death of Christ and his conquering of sin give us the hope that death is not the last state for us and our loved ones.

Christian Grief Counseling for the Bereaved

Friends, family and everyone else in the support system of the couple (like social groups and a church family), should help support the person that loses a loved one. However, after three or four months of grieving, the bereaved spouse is often encouraged to move on with life or at least adjust better.

Naturally, the loss will hit the left spouse harder than it will hit other people. When the initial shock of the loss of a loved one begins to fade off, at a time when they would really do with more specific support, the support almost always declines. This is an ideal time to pursue Christian grief counseling at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to find the necessary additional support and guidance.

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What is Codependency? 12 Common Signs of Codependent Relationships

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What is codependency? Codependency is common and most people struggle with it to some degree. If you find yourself constantly sacrificing for others, setting your needs to the side, and always seeking to fix the person or present problem, you might be struggling with codependent tendencies. The inability to feel whole just as you are requires you to look for that feeling somewhere else. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help individuals explore and address these tendencies.

The “need to be needed” fuel’s the life of a codependent. In the book, Codependence: Healing the Human Condition, Charles L. Whitfield calls codependence a “disease of lost selfhood.”

He says that we become codependent when we turn our responsibility for ourselves over to someone else. We lose sight of who we are and what we want because of our attempts to be what others want us to be.

We learn how to relate to others through our family of origin and so our childhood might give clues as to how our codependency began. For example, children in alcoholic families learn to avoid emotions and to define themselves through others.

If a child was forced to take care of a drug-addicted parent, this could develop into adult codependency.  “Codependent No More” author, Melody Beattie, identifies characteristics of codependents.

Here we will examine twelve of those characteristics.

12 Signs of Codependency

1. Desire to Fix

Codependents love to help. This is most often the case because they believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

Codependents need to feel needed. If they aren’t fixing a person or situation, then their identity feels unstable and emptiness sets in. The codependent person always wants to be the one to handle every crisis.

2. Self-Sacrificing

They often overcommit themselves and will neglect their own needs to meet someone else’s needs. Their partner’s happiness is their responsibility. This tendency often makes codependents targets for people with narcissistic personalities.

They struggle to say no when someone asks for something. A codependent person can look like a hero to others, but in truth, their help is motivated by unhealthy impulses.  Codependents are the types that need to be reminded to put their own airplane mask on before helping the person in the seat next to them.

3. Poor Boundaries

People struggling with codependency also struggle with boundaries. As a child, perhaps generational boundaries were blended, and you had to take on the role of a parent. Weak or nonexistent boundaries can form for a variety of reasons, but setting and maintaining firm boundaries is critical to teaching others to respect you.

They provide a sort of “force field” that prevents the kind of emotional abuse that can happen in close (though dysfunctional) relationships. Boundaries tell people how to treat us.  If there aren’t any boundaries, codependents risk becoming a doormat.  By setting and respecting healthy boundaries, you can retrain your relationships.

4. Unhealthy attachments

Codependents are constantly seeking approval, yet recoil at the thought of rejection. They are unable to find personal satisfaction and crave being attached to someone for their happiness.

Codependents stay in abusive relationships because they believe either that the other person will change or is the only one that will love them. Codependents can become obsessed with being with a friend or partner.

5. Fluctuating self-worth

Codependents lack confidence in themselves. They have a sense that they are not worthy and nothing that they ever do is good enough. They long for compliments, but when they get them, they reject them because they think them untrue. Their self-worth is similar to a yo-yo as it bounces up and down and hinges on what the important people in their life say about them.

6. Repression

Codependents are often rigid and controlled. They are often afraid to be who they really are for fear of being judged. Codependents usually learn at an early age to repress their emotions.

7. Obsession

Codependents worry about everything and everybody to the point of obsession. They become enmeshed with others and are often anxious about other’s problems. They focus all their energy on someone else as a result of their deeply ingrained dependency.  Often, they can’t let go of a relationship because of their obsession with that person.

8. Controlling

Codependency often forms after growing up in an uncontrollable environment, possibly with an alcoholic or emotionally absent parent. Codependents have a habit of manipulating people by using guilt, helplessness or even extreme kindness. It’s important for the codependent to feel in control.  They believe they can change someone and that changing them will make them happy.

9. Denial

Codependents smile in faux agreement with a friend. They pretend that things aren’t as bad as they seem or make excuses for a loved one’s behavior.  They bury themselves in work and pretend the problem doesn’t exist.

10. Dysfunctional communication

Codependents often don’t communicate properly. They find it difficult to communicate their own thoughts, feelings, and needs because they don’t know them. They often wait to express their opinions until they know what other people are thinking. They try to say what will please people or what will get others to do what they want. They don’t say what they mean or mean what they say.

11. Lack of trust

Codependents lack trust in themselves and others. This is usually seen when trust was damaged at an early age in life and has never been truly recovered. They doubt their feelings and decisions. They think that God has abandoned them and they can lose their faith in God.

12. Anger

Codependents are often filled with suppressed anger that they don’t know how to manage effectively. When people don’t do what codependents want, they feel angry, victimized, unappreciated and powerless.

Codependents often feel afraid, hurt, and angry, and they often live with others who are the same way. They cry regularly, get depressed, overreact, get sick, and have violent temper outbursts. They often punish others for making them feel angry.

Codependency usually stems from experiences that occurred in childhood that have bled over into adult life. Treatment consists of exploring some of those childhood memories and looking at current codependent behavior patterns.

If you have identified with any of the signs listed above and want to delve more into those problem areas, consider reaching out to a Christian counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling today. Choosing the right counselor can make all the difference on your road to recovery.

Photos
“Bondage”, Courtesy of Josh Johnson, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Do More”, Courtesy of Carl Heyerdahl, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Worry”, Courtesy of Maria Victoria Heredia Reyes, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Distrust”, Courtesy of Joshua Rawson Harris, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Common Abandonment Issues: Do You See Yourself Here?

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Most people have struggled with some level of fear of being ‘abandoned.’ For many of us, this may be intrinsic to our thinking. We can often feel as if we are inadequate for the people that we are in a relationship with, and we may worry that they will suddenly leave us because of this. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can provide support in addressing these fears and building healthier, more secure relationships.

As a result, this can lead to trust issues which can manifest themselves as an inability to commit to those same relationships that are so dear to our us. It is so important to recognize these abandonment issues before they start affecting the way in which we interact with those around us.

10 Common Abandonment Issues

Here are 10 of the most common abandonment issues. Are any of these true of you?

1. You Struggle to Let People In

Do you feel as if you constantly have to keep your guard up? Do you set up boundaries around your life in a way that protects you from giving too much away to your loved ones? Some of this can be healthy, but when you are unable to be vulnerable before those who are dearest to you, you have a problem.

2. You Detach Yourself From Those Nearest To You

Do you ever feel as if you are distancing yourself from those around you? Are you closing off from your partner? While over-dependence is never healthy, it is relationally appropriate for you to have some level of dependence on your loved ones. This helps nurture a deep, lasting relationship.

3. You Are Overly Clingy

We all get a bit clingy sometimes. When something happens in your life that threatens to rock your foundations, it is natural to want to cozy up with your partner.

But a perpetual state of clinginess is not healthy and may indicate that you are harboring a deeper issue related to abandonment. Clingy people can be overly demanding, and their relationships are likely to be dysfunctional.

4. You Struggle To Feel Love

Do you struggle to give and receive affection? Do you often feel numb when you are around your loved ones? People who fear abandonment often struggle to engage in any physical affection and may withdraw from situations where this has the potential to occur. Bonding becomes very difficult, and relationships often become strained.

5. You Seek To Control

Those who struggle with abandonment live in a constant state of relational uncertainty. This often produces controlling behavior. Do you commit yourself to knowing everything about your partner’s whereabouts at all times? Do you “blackmail” your partner in order to keep them from leaving you? This kind of behavior undermines any foundation of trust you are seeking to build and renders the relationship stilted and unhappy.

6. You Think The Worst Of People

Does the worst-case scenario always seem like the most likely outcome to you? Do you constantly think that those closest to you harbor ulterior motives as to why they want to spend time with you?

Do you always shy away from conflict, fearing that you will fall out with people and that they will abandon you? These negative core beliefs about yourself and others can lead to fractured and damaging relationships.

7. You Are Always Looking For Flaws

Do you compile a list of your partner’s failings? Do you dwell on the small wrongs you have suffered at their hands? Are you always on the lookout for flaws that you can pick up on in others? This mindset often stems from a fear of closeness. In order to protect yourself, you seek to find imperfections in others and demand perfection from yourself.

8. You Fear Intimacy

Do you run at the first sign of any real intimacy? Those who harbor an issue related to abandonment tend to go either way when it comes to engaging in a relationship. They either hold on far too tight and smother their partner, or they fail to show adequate commitment, leaving their partner feeling discouraged and insecure.

9. You Have Very Weak Boundaries

Those dealing with abandonment issues may find themselves in codependent relationships. Do you constantly seek to keep your partner happy because you are afraid they might leave you?

Do you make excuses for your partner’s poor behavior because you fear the consequences that standing up to them or pointing out any of their faults would bring? Do you constantly feel as if you must prove your worth in the relationship? Inevitably, this leads to an unhealthy relationship.

10. You Are Overly Sensitive

Do you often find yourself overreacting? Do you put up walls of defense at any sign of danger? If you feel as if you are going to be abandoned, you may find yourself incapable of dealing with any criticism, even if it is offered in love. Relentlessly attempting to justify your behavior produces frustration in those around you and often results in poorly maintained relationships.

The good news is, there’s hope! You do not have to be driven by your fear of abandonment. With the right help from a professionally trained counselor, you can be equipped with the right tools to help you throw off insecurity, doubt, and anxiety, and participate in therapy that is tailored to suit your emotional needs. You will be given the help required to start building healthy, lasting, and life-giving relationships with those around you. Newport Beach Christian Counseling is here to provide the support you need to overcome these challenges and thrive in your relationships.

Photos
“Empty,” courtesy of Eddy Lackmann, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Diselo a la mano!” courtesy of Pablo, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY-SA 2.0); “Angry,” courtesy of Forrest Cavale, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Morning Chills,” courtesy of Ian Dooley, unsplash.com, CC0 License

5 Causes of Depression: The Common Culprits

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statistics on depression reveal the extent of this widespread mental health condition – the National Institute of Mental Health estimates that in a single year, between 5-12% of people will suffer from at least one episode of major depression. These episodes can have a huge impact on the individual’s life.

When looking at lifespans as a whole, about 20% of people will suffer from a mood disorder at some point in their lives; this can include depression, anxiety, etc.

It’s more than likely that someone you know is living with depression, which may or may not have been diagnosed. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can offer valuable support and resources for those struggling with depression.

What Is Depression’s Root Cause?

Since depression affects so many lives, this leads us to ask what causes this condition. Psychologists have been exploring the possible causes of depression for many years. They’ve drawn some conclusions, but there are no easy answers, and the explanations we do have are complex and vary according to the individual.

Different Types of Depression

It’s important to give a definition of depression since the term can encompass a range of more specific conditions. The hallmark diagnosis is called Major Depressive Disorder, and under this umbrella are 14 more specific diagnoses that can be made by therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists.

When making a specific diagnosis, mental health professionals account for severity, whether or not the condition occurs in a repeating cycle, and whether or not there are psychotic symptoms present. In any of these categories, the standard minimum for diagnosis is a major depressive episode lasting for two weeks or more, with impacts on both mood and motivation.

Dysthymia is a long-term, less severe form of depression that can linger for years. Although it may not be as acutely painful, this chronic, continual condition can be exhausting and debilitating.

Another common type of depression is based on an adjustment disorder. This can be triggered by painful or stressful events, leading to a depressed mood, which can eventually turn into a major depressive episode.

A final significant type of depression to mention is bipolar depression, wherein the sufferer fluctuates between low and high moods. The “high” of bipolar can feel pleasant but often triggers destructive behavior.

The common thread running through the various types of depression is a long-lasting period of sadness and lack of motivation.

Since depression presents in so many different ways, it’s vital for therapists to ask a lot of questions to make an accurate diagnosis. For example, an adjustment disorder with depression might be based on the environment or circumstances more than brain function, and this can be processed in therapy.

By contrast, it can be hard to pinpoint the cause of a major depressive episode. These episodes can start suddenly, overwhelmingly, and seem to have no rhyme or reason. This type of depression is often based on brain chemistry issues. A psychiatrist may be most helpful in this case.

Possible Causes of Depression

Let’s take a closer look at some of the common causes of depression:

Neurotransmitters

A popular commercial created a visual for depression using a two-dimensional blob bouncing around in black and white with a huge frown on its face. This is, of course, an oversimplified caricature of depression, but it does point to the reality of neurotransmitters in the brain, as the illustration included little triangles floating between two knobs corrected to larger neurons.

This illustration managed to demonstrate the possible imbalance of chemicals that can have a significant impact on our mood and mental health.

Neurons are cells that transmit information throughout the body and brain. They have the capacity to fire signals that allow us to think, experience emotions and memories, and maintain both voluntary and involuntary control over our physical functions.

Serotonin is a specific neurotransmitter that has a positive impact on mood. Dopamine is another. Antidepressants work by balancing neurotransmitter levels.

It can be challenging to medicate depression effectively because of the complexity of the brain and how widely the response differs based on the individual. Finding the right antidepressant can require a period of trial and error.

Other steps can be taken in the meantime, however, such as exercising and improving one’s diet. These can help ignite the process of recovery. Of course, the nature of depression often makes it difficult to find the motivation to be more active, but if you can incorporate it into your life you can see a positive change to your mood very quickly.

Genes

Genetics is another major factor in depression. Your chances of developing depression are much higher if you have a family member suffering from it, especially if they are a parent or sibling. Genetic predisposition is a powerful component in this disorder.

Genes affect brain development and how neurotransmitters interact, but they are not a decisive predictor. Even identical twins do not have a 100% correlation between brain disorders. And some people are depressed even without a family history of depression. This is why we say that while genes increase the likelihood of depression, they do not cause it, but are often combined with other factors, such as the next one.

Environment

One professor described this cause of depression as a gun that was loaded by genetics, with the trigger being pulled by the environment. If someone is genetically predisposed to develop depression, they will often be triggered into developing it by their environment.

Examples of environment include workplace stress, the loss of a loved one, or even the weather (as seen in seasonal affective disorder).

The environmental category also describes a common threshold that would generally trigger depression in almost anyone, such as being oppressed or bereaved. Each person has an individual threshold at which they will inevitably suffer depression because we are humans who are susceptible to being affected by our circumstances.

Anemia

This is a physical trigger for depression that can easily be overlooked. Anemia reduces energy levels, leading to reduced motivation and often low self-esteem. This might present as depression, however, the cause isn’t a chemical imbalance, but a lack of iron in the blood.

When someone who is anemic experiences this sadness and lack of motivation, they often seek therapy and describe symptoms of depression, but any prescribed antidepressants won’t help. After a long period of trying to find the right medication, the feeling of depression will linger, fueling a sense of hopelessness.

It’s important to consider whether low iron might be contributing to your mental condition. You could ask for a blood test, or even just try to eat iron-rich foods more often and test their effects on your mood.

Spirituality

It’s important to note that depression is not your fault because you’re too sinful or not praying enough. The assumption that a person’s depression is because they’re out of line spiritually has inflicted a lot of damage.

This is evidenced by the fact that many individuals who have major sin issues do not have depression, while people living moral lives often struggle with depression. This situation is not hopeless; God can use our emotional state to draw us closer to Himself.

One common factor in this category is gradually withdrawing from spiritual habits that helped fulfill us in the past, such as Bible studies, small groups, or volunteering. Although it can be tempting to isolate when depressed, maintaining social connections and spiritual activities can be crucial to keep a depressed person from spiraling further downward.

People often withdraw because of their depression, not the other way around. Therefore, know that it’s important to intentionally stay involved and that it can help your mood and sense of personal value.

As we’ve discussed, depression is often rooted in physical causes, and we should be confident that we can ask God to provide both physical and emotional healing.

Treatment for Depression

Depression often consumes the life of someone suffering from it. Treatments must address the wide range of issues that can contribute to this mental condition. According to research, a combination of both therapy and medication generally provides the best outcome for sufferers.

If you’re depressed, you might feel trapped in a pit that you can never climb out of. Medication can be like someone tossing a rope down into the pit. You’ll need to put in the work to climb out, but that is a much more achievable goal when you actually have a rope.

Some people are in deeper pits than others. If your pit is more shallow, you might be able to climb out without the help of medication, but for others, that’s not possible. This isn’t a judgment about your worth as a person; it’s just a matter of assessing your individual situation and responding in the most helpful way.

The act of seeking therapy alone often jump starts the recovery process. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can work with you to make progress in various areas of your life. He or she can also identify any thought processes you have that contribute to your mental health condition so that you can challenge false beliefs with truth.

For some, simply identifying the depression and processing it is enough to begin to climb out of it. A psychiatric referral may be in order to help you identify a medication that can work for you. And in general, therapy can help you uncover the cause(s) of your depression and start you on your healing process.

 

Photos
“Darkness,” courtesy of Andrik Langfield Petrides, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Laundromat,” courtesy of Drew Roberts, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Alone time,” courtesy of Steven Spassov, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Waiting,” courtesy of Shashank Sahay, unsplash.com, CC0 License

11 Weight Loss Tips to Keep it Off

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Our busy lifestyles, coupled with the availability of processed foods, create the perfect storm for health issues. It’s no surprise that heart disease, diabetes, and other weight-related ailments are continually on the rise. Still, many people are seeking ways to reclaim control over their health. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can provide guidance and support for making healthier lifestyle choices.

11 Weight Loss Tips to Help You Make Lasting Change

1)   Think Small

Portion control isn’t a myth. If done correctly and consistently it will provide the desired results. A small, but full plate tells your brain it’s having enough food. On the contrary, large plates with more white space available make people serve and consume more food because portions appear smaller.

Put your veggies on a big plate to trick your brain into wanting more and the sweeter items on a small plate. When you swap your large plate for a smaller plate get ready to notice a big difference!

2)   Be Proactive

Sometimes we can sabotage our own success by not preparing adequately.  Try not to react to your hunger with unhealthy food choices. Be prepared by keeping healthy snacks in your pantry, office, car, and gym bag to make beneficial choices more likely.

When dining out, look online at the menu to make a conscious choice before even setting foot inside the restaurant. The aroma permeating a restaurant can prompt you to pick a food that doesn’t have your best interest in mind. Don’t be afraid to eat ahead of time or bring your own food when you know you’re going to be somewhere around meals you have chosen not to indulge in.

3)   Dish Up The Food

Admittedly, it’s easy to open a bag of popcorn while watching a movie and before you know it the entire bag is gone with no kernel in sight. Or opening up a package of cookies and consuming an entire sleeve without thinking through your actions. Part of eating intentionally is telling your food where to go instead of your food telling you where it’s going. Be the boss of your snacks.

If you have a tendency to eat fast, your brain may not register satisfaction or fullness in time to alert you that you’ve overindulged. This is a pattern for many on holidays where food is plentiful.

Decide what a reasonable portion is based on your individual plan and put it on a plate, napkin, bowl, cup or even the palm of your hand. Avoid eating out of the bag, carton, or other food container where you might lose track of your consumption.

4)   Eat Mindfully

Eating is not only among the most fundamental in the hierarchy of needs according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, but is historically known to bring people together around the dinner table for a time of fellowship. Sharing a tasty meal with good company can be one of the most memorable times in life.

Distraction diminishes the pleasure that eating has to offer. Next time you want to enjoy a spoonful of one of your favorite foods, turn off the TV, close your eyes and allow your senses to bring the experience to life as your taste buds peruse all of the different flavors and textures of the dish.

5)   Discomfort is Inevitable

Making dietary and lifestyle changes will cause some moments of (sometimes extreme) discomfort in your life. Saying ‘no’ to foods that were once staples in your home can test the very fiber of your willpower. At such times, reminding yourself that you are saying ‘yes’ to feeling good and promoting your overall health for a higher quality of life is essential.

6)   Be Active

Changing your diet must be coupled with increasing your physical fitness. You don’t need to become an Olympic athlete overnight. Create space in your day to participate in an exercise of your choice that motivates you.

7)   Dig Into The Why Behind Your Food Choices

Eating too much food or the wrong kinds of food can be a mask for or reaction to problems in other areas of our lives. When we are trying to fill a void in our lives or numb our pain, we can find ourselves taking comfort in the pleasure of eating. It’s paramount to take the proper time to focus on your emotional, spiritual and physical needs.

8) Accountability

Change is hard! If we do not share our goals with someone we trust, it becomes easier to make excuses or completely give up on the goals. If you find physical activity intimidating, find a battle buddy to walk, run, swim or join a fitness class with you.

It keeps you accountable and provides you with a person with whom to celebrate when goals are achieved. If meal planning isn’t your strength, find a mentor who can offer useful tips and tricks for designing a satisfying meal plan that you will look forward to preparing.

9)   Abstain If Needed

A trigger food, like ice cream, doughnuts or cake, can set off a domino effect that ends in unhealthy, and uncontrollable indulgences. When stress and negative emotions are high, vulnerability to overeating and binges also increases. It’s more beneficial to avoid taking that first bite than to take a bite and have to slam on the brakes.

“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive. – 1 Corinthians 10:23

10)   Keep Moving Forward

Mistakes will happen. Perfection isn’t expected. Extend grace toward yourself during those moments you might fall off. If you fall seven times, make sure you get up eight. No more starting over on Monday, the first of the year, after vacation, or when the holidays are over. Return to healthy eating immediately at the next meal. Don’t allow one negative decision to define your entire day. Keep moving forward. Don’t beat yourself up, but build yourself up!

11)   Flexibility Is Your Friend

Other than your trigger foods, which you might decide to completely remove from your diet, give yourself the freedom of flexibility. People who create rigid and constrictive diets often give up along the way because the pressure for perfection becomes too much to bear.

When you are a guest, be a blessing to your hostess. If foods are offered that you normally would avoid, make the wisest selections to not offend your hostess and get back on track at your next meal. Give yourself the freedom to choose which vegetable or fruit you want to eat. Avoid getting stuck in a regimented plan.

How Christian Counseling Can Help You Lose or Manage Your Weight

Television, magazines, and billboards tell us what our bodies should look like yet advertise foods that definitely won’t deliver any type of nutritional value. Fast-food and frozen meals become easy options because of the fast-paced world we live in.

Many people are increasingly busy, yet physically out of shape. If you are struggling with making healthy choices in your diet and physical activity, you are not alone. Newport Beach Christian counseling provides guidance and support to help expose the cause of the problem and create the best path forward.

Photos
“Breakfast,” courtesy of Hanny Naibaho, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Parfait,” courtesy of Sambazon, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Bicycle,” courtesy of Alejandro Lopez, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Sunday,” courtesy of Imani Clovis, unsplash.com, CC0 License 

Lies Women Believe: Experiencing the Stages of Spiritual Development

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This blog post is a review of “Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free,” by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

In her book, Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free, Nancy Leigh DeMoss writes about three different stages of spiritual development for women. We’ll take a look at each of those stages below.

Three Stages of Spiritual Development for Women

Stage One: Knowing Eve

What do you think Eve thought after she was removed from Eden? Do you think she regretted paying attention to the lies of the serpent? Picture what it must have felt like for Eve, one moment being in agreement with God, and then rebelling and being separated from him and not thrown out of her home. This was her first experience with isolation and failure. As women, we have all experienced these feelings (non-Christian and Christian women alike).

DeMoss believes that Christian women today are in bondage. She says: “They can’t enjoy God’s love.” This is a result of past experiences and sins. Another type of bondage that she mentions is “fear of man,” which consists of fear of being rejected, fear of what others think, and our need for others to approve of us.

Scripture teaches us that we should be free, but most women aren’t. Why is that? Because we were deceived. This began with Eve, and women have continued to believe these lies down to this present day.

Every difficulty we have today is because we have believed in these lies. At Newport Beach Christian Counseling, we believe we need to take back our lives

Stage Two: Seeing the Lies

The author includes a list of the most common lies that women believe. This list is not exhaustive and not everyone is weighed down by the same lies. However, the lies mentioned are quite common among women.

Lie #1 – God: A common question in counseling is this: “if God is good, tell me why this [insert bad thing here] happened to me/my loved one?” Satan made use of a similar question to create doubt in Eve, distracted her (and us) from the good things God has provided. It also justifies us in deciding good and evil for ourselves, apart from God and his word.

Additionally, we tend to believe falsehoods regarding God’s attitude toward us. For example, if God doesn’t answer our prayers, we question his love for us. This is true even of Christians who were raised in a Church setting. They might know all about God’s love, but they don’t necessarily always experience it. This is another example of what the author describes as bondage.

Other lies that women believe about God may include: comparing God to the men we interact with, believing that God isn’t sufficient, feeling that living a godly life places too many limits on us, and thinking that God ought to fix every problem we have. If any of these lies sound familiar to you, you ought to read this book.  After all, our view of God is the foundation for all of life.

Lie #2 – Us: When we think about how we view God, we also begin to question how God sees us. Ms. DeMoss writes “If we do not see Him as He really is – if we believe things about Him that are not true – invariably, we will have a distorted view of ourselves.” If we believe that God does not control all things, it leads us to believe in lies.

For example, we start to believe that we are worthless. 42% of the women who were surveyed by DeMoss reported believing that they were worthless. This feeling can begin in childhood and run through a woman’s life all the way into adulthood. Left unaddressed, it can even lead to mental health issues as well.

Jesus has lived this pain. 1 Peter 2:4 reminds us that Jesus was “rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to Him.” Jesus viewed himself with reference to God the Father. Jesus showed our worth by loving us enough to die on the cross for us

This chapter also addresses the following lies: the lie that we need self-love, the lie that we cannot change, the lie that our rights are sacred, the lie that beauty on the outside is more important than beauty on the inside, and the lie that all your longings should be fulfilled. The end of each chapter has Bible passages that counter these lies. The author also has questions that you can use to determine whether these lies are present in your life.

Lie #3 – Sin: As Christians, we still sin. We are born with it, and that’s why we need the grace of God. While sin is present until we arrive in heaven, there are a lot of lies that we believe about it. Satan’s objective with Eve was to get her to sin and to believe that there would be no consequences.

This may be seen when the Serpent told Eve, “You surely won’t die!” though God had already told her “Eat this fruit and you will die.” The book offers a great discussion of this lie. It also expands to include other lies such as my sin not that serious, God will never forgive my sin, and I am not responsible for my sins.

In order to fight against these lies, we are asked to 1) Acknowledge God’s view of our sin, 2) Take full responsibility for our sin, 3) Assert the truth, 4) Act on the truth and 5) ask for God’s help to live a life of truth.

The remaining five lies addressed in the book focus on major aspects of our life such as emotions, marriage, children, and the personal circumstances we find ourselves in. Similar to the earlier chapters, each of these ends with a discussion of some truth from Scripture. The last page of each chapter has a prayer that may be of use to help you seek God’s help. We all want to be free of these lies.

Stage Three: Seeking the Light

The book has two main points. First, that believing lies restrain us, and second, that the truth can freedom. When we allow our relationship with God to grow, we stop believing in the lies.

In this last step, DeMoss walks us through a number of specific passages that will help to break our bondage. This review won’t go into much detail because it’s important that you read this portion of the book, yourself. However, we are here to help each other out. If you struggle to let go of a particular lie and need help, a counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help you.

Lastly, the each chapter’s structure allows you to know the truth of specific scripture verses. Some lies that you don’t know you believe will be revealed, and God will give you the confidence to start addressing them.

Also, each chapter provides sufficient Scripture to read to become stronger against lies that you may not have experienced. Store the lessons in your heart, and you will find God’s plan revealed to you.

Photos
“Long Distance,” courtesy of Chris Lawton, tookapic.com, CC0 License; “Strong,” courtesy of Christopher Campbell, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Pray,” courtesy of Olivia Snow, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Smile,” courtesy of Caique Silva, unsplash.com, CC0 License 

How to Cope During a Panic Attack

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Are chest pains, a pounding heart, faintness, weakness or dizziness, breathing difficulties, sweatiness or chills, a feeling of impending doom all too familiar symptoms to you? If so, then you probably know how upsetting a panic attack can be.

Some people even think they’re having a heart attack when they experience these symptoms, so a trip to the emergency room would be wise to rule out the possibility. It’s quite stressful for your body, and it takes a toll on your emotions as well. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can provide support in managing these challenges effectively.

A Defense Mechanism

Stress is not necessarily evil, though. It’s the body’s way of reminding us we need to keep things in check. Our bodies are fragile and yet also adaptable, ready to cope with whatever comes its way.

The body is equipped with the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) which acts as a defense mechanism that helps us in times of crisis. This sympathetic nervous system stimulates the fight or flight response, which helps your body to make a split-second decision to either stand and defend yourself against a certain threat or flee it.

For instance, when faced with a person in an alley who seems to be wielding a weapon, your SNS could either prepare you to take out your umbrella to defend yourself (fight) or run the opposite direction as fast as you can (flight). Basically, the function of the SNS is to do whatever is necessary to maintain that balance, to keep you safe.

Traumas and Triggers

Understandably, your body would be agitated by such an encounter. Suppose you realize shortly after that instead of a weapon, that stranger was actually just holding a flashlight. Your parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) then takes over to calm you down, helping you to relax by inhibiting or slowing the high energy functions activated by the SNS. It slows down your heart rate and relaxes some muscles, among other things.

The PNS is crucial because too much stress damages the body. Events like these can leave you traumatized, and trauma can rewire your brain and make your body act as if you’re always in danger, making it nearly impossible to remain in a state of calm. This predisposes you to anxiety and panic. If this persists for more than six months and remains unchecked, anti-anxiety medication may be required to help you keep things in check.

Our bodies have a way of remembering trauma. This can lead to a panic attack, which usually has a trigger. But not all triggers are the overt type. Some are less obvious, and this can make it quite challenging to figure out exactly what triggered your panic attack. This commonly happens when you don’t have outlets for these traumatic experiences, such as having someone to talk to and process these events with.

In these cases, they can build up in our system and implode with a panic attack even without any tangible trigger. A fainting spell is also possible; though this could also have a more serious root cause, in which case it would be best to see a doctor.

What You Can Do

You may begin to think that you’re helpless when it comes to managing your anxiety. The good news is that you’re not. There are many coping skills you can learn to help you keep your anxiety at bay. You have your parasympathetic nervous system to thank for that.

It may take a while, but it is definitely possible to unlearn your body’s response to trauma and retrain it to respond differently to anxious thoughts and feelings. One of the best and easiest ways to do this would be to control your breathing.

Here is a step-by-step procedure on how to do just that:

  1. First, find a place where you can sit in a comfortable, relaxed posture.
  2. Next, engage your diaphragm and breathe slowly. Make sure you push out your stomach (diaphragm). You can place your hand on your stomach to ensure its movement.
  3. Inhale slowly (through the nose) to the count of three. Inhale 1…2…3. Then exhale slowly through your mouth.
  4. If you were able to do that, increase the count of your inhale to six. Inhale 1…2…3…4…5…6. Then exhale slowly.
  5. Do this for a minute, focusing on your breathing and just feel the anxiety melting away as your body calms down.
  6. Continue this exercise and increase deep breathing duration to two minutes, then five, then ten, or twenty if necessary.

This exercise may not be easy to do at first. But just as you are teaching your body to cope in different ways, you are also unlearning some unhealthy learned responses to stress, so it may take a while to get used to. Take it easy on yourself. After all, you’re doing your part to teach your body that it’s okay to calm down.

The Three R’s: A Non-Medicinal Treatment Approach for Anxiety

A guide to the non-medicinal treatment of anxiety can be outlined with these three words: Recognize, Reflect and Redirect.

Recognize – A wise man once said: “Anxiety is a monster that grows when we feed it with avoidance.” This could not be truer. Some people are predisposed to avoiding anxious thoughts with unhelpful coping mechanisms, such as diverting their attention to social media, television or whatever it is that makes the anxiety go away…temporarily.

The thing with avoidance is that it does not solve the issue. It doesn’t even recognize the issue. Not recognizing the issue means not recognizing the need to keep things in check, until the issue has spiraled out of control. A series of persistent anxious thoughts that remain unchecked could lead to a panic attack, which leads to more panic attacks. This is why recognizing that you feel anxious is crucial in managing anxiety.

Reflect – Not all stress or anxiety is bad. In fact, a certain amount of anxiety could keep you out of trouble. For instance, that sudden stress you feel when you wake up in the middle of the night and realize you left your front door unlocked would be enough to make you get out of bed to lock it so you can keep your family safe, no matter how tired you are.

But catastrophic expectations, such as thinking that one day, you are bound to forget to lock the door and an intruder will come in can quickly spiral into panic. Which is why it’s necessary to do a bit of reflection and consider asking yourself, “Is there anything I can do about this now?” If nothing can be done for the moment, then focus on the present. Practice deep breathing and remind yourself to focus on the now.

Redirect – Here come the helpful diversionary tactics. Once you’ve been able to recognize the anxious thought and reflect on it, it’s important to ensure it doesn’t cycle back to being picked up again. Now is the time to focus on positive things like work, your environment or even a memory verse from the Bible that ministers to you about your anxiety. Focus on mindfulness, the here and now, your extrasensory experiences and engage your imagination.

An example of using redirection would be to put on some relaxing music and work with your hands (clean the house, wash your car, clean up your closet) after you’ve recognized an anxious thought and reflected on it. As you redirect, engage your imagination and think about the instruments being used to play the music, consider what it must’ve been like as they recorded the song, think of who the musicians were.

While you’re at it, consider also the feel of your hands working through whatever it is you’re touching – a broom, a t-shirt, a sponge. Feel the texture, weight, shape in your hands. These mindfulness techniques help you focus on the here and now, thereby redirecting your mind and preventing the anxious thought from starting up again.

Growth and Healing Are Choices

One important thing to remember with any treatment approach is that you need to treat yourself with curiosity and kindness. The curiosity will help you look into your emotional world and try to see what drives your trauma, and the kindness will go a long way in your journey of healing.

All your past experiences, good or bad, shape your emotional structure as do your responses to these events. The responses may have ended up as learned (though unwanted) behavior. The key is that once you recognize that there is a pattern of unwanted behavior you may have picked up from some negative past experience, you have the chance to free yourself from being a helpless victim. If that means you need to take anti-anxiety medication then do so – there is no shame in that.

To say that a lack of faith causes anxiety is to oversimplify a psychological condition and undermine faith. In fact, in 1 Timothy 5:23, Timothy is given instruction by Paul to drink wine to ease his stomach discomfort. This shows men of faith taking practical steps to heal physical ailments.

Why should asking for help to ease your minds be any different? After all, God has given you a sound mind to be able to discern where to seek treatment – whether it be a recovery group, counseling or a psychiatrist. God has provided avenues for healing. You must make the choice to move forward.

God Loves and Values You

It is unfortunate that many believers think God doesn’t want us to feel good about ourselves. Blame it on the excesses of the self-esteem movement in the 60s that took Christianity and feeling good about oneself out of context and to an extreme.

No matter what has happened in the past, what’s happening now, and what’s to come, God loves you. He treasures you. Remember what He did on the cross to redeem you. This should be enough to remind you of your worth in His eyes. So stop believing the lies of the enemy. You ARE worth it.

Stop beating yourself up – He has already won. The work is done. Christ is victorious. All you need to do is take steps to manage your anxiety. God wants you to see His goodness in your life.

Christian Counseling for Anxiety

You are created in God’s image. As God’s image-bearers on earth, shouldn’t you be the best version of yourself so that you can reflect God’s greatness? If you struggle with anxiety, if it holds you back in any way perhaps Counselors at Newport Beach Christian Counseling could help you examine your struggles and provide expert guidance on how to cope. After all, you are not meant to bear this burden alone.

 

Photos

“Depressed,” courtesy of HolgersFotographie, pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Upset,” courtesy of Ben White, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Please, Lord,” courtesy of Diana Simumpande, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Stretch,” courtesy of Jacob Postuma, unsplash.com, CC0 License