Teen Issues: Practical Tips for Families

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As the parent of a teenager, you might feel alone as you struggle to orient yourself to this new reality of raising an adolescent. It might feel like just yesterday that your child was a cute, precocious toddler, and now suddenly you’re being barraged by one expression of independence after another. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can provide the guidance and support you need to navigate this challenging yet rewarding stage of parenting.

Your son or daughter might be struggling with serious teen issues such as depression, anxiety, or bullying, and you want to know how you can support them through this time.

Or maybe you have more than one teenager at home and you feel like you’re in a battle zone. You just want to have dinner together as a family without any drama once in awhile!

No matter what your specific circumstances are, raising a teenager is a uniquely difficult stage of life. But rest assured that this is normal, and it will pass. In the meantime, there are things you can do to facilitate the process of growth for your child and for your family as a whole.

First, let’s spend some time considering:

“What is a teenager?”

It’s important to define our terms before we start talking about practical tips. A teenager is generally considered to be someone between the ages of 13 and 19. However, the stage of adolescence seems to be lengthening in our culture, in both directions.

Young adults in their twenties are often relying on their parents financially for a long period of time, while preteenagers are exposed to “older” behavior through social media and seem to turn into adolescents younger than they should.

In a sense, adolescence has its own culture, and teens interact in a way that’s different from both children and adults. The ambiguity of these years seems to leave kids without clear expectations of how they should behave; sometimes, they’re expected to take on adult responsibilities, while also expected to respect authority and behave like children.

Cognitively, teens are forming their own individual identity at this stage and along with the pressures of their family and culture, they may find the ambiguity of their life stage to be anxiety-producing.

Also, teenagers, themselves, are constantly changing, as secondary sex characteristics appear and growth spurts take place. They may seem obsessed with their appearances, but they’re exploring uncharted territory. This is the root of adolescence; it’s self-discovery of one’s internal, external, and social realities.

Navigating and Addressing Teen Issues

It’s no wonder that the adolescent years are often full of complicated issues that affect teens’ well-being. Parents can be a great source of support and security during this time. Here are some ways you can help your child navigate these years productively:

1. Recognize differences and remember similarities

Our culture today is much different than it was even a decade ago, and it’s certainly changed from when we were teenagers ourselves. Social media and smartphones have completely altered the social landscape, in both positive and negative ways.

Regardless of your views on the relative benefits and drawbacks of social media, it’s important to acknowledge that most adolescents stay connected to their peers 24/7. News and gossip travel quickly. An embarrassing moment that happened on a Friday night might be all over town by the next morning. It’s hard for kids to avoid gossip.

Social media can also tend to be a highlight reel of our finest moments, which makes it difficult for teens who struggle to compare their everyday mundane life with their peers’ achievements. This can complicate insecurities, self-image problems, etc.

Mixed messages abound online. We often hear of how the media portrays women in unrealistic ways, but this is true of men also; they’re portrayed as strong, successful, and well-dressed, with nary a patchy beard to be seen. A man who’s slightly overweight will probably end up being a comedic punchline rather than the hero of the story.

To boys, this sends the message that if they can’t live up to the perfect hero standard, they might as well find their value in being funny. Kindness, respect, and intelligence are thrown to the wayside.

These issues exist for girls too, and often there’s an even smaller margin for error. High school is an unforgiving social crucible where kids manifest their own insecurities as they bully others and tear each other down. And this bullying can follow everyone around on social media. Before the days of the Internet, you could get away from your bully by going home. Now your bully is always with you.

Not everything has changed, though; some aspects of the teen years are still the same. You were a teenager once yourself, and you can remember your body changing and maybe the cruelty of some of your peers. Even though your teenager may think you can’t relate, you can remind them that your emotions were similar, even if your experiences were different.

You probably experienced conflict with your parents during your teen years, maybe feeling misunderstood, which is a common generational disconnect. Calling these struggles to mind will help you empathize with what your teenager is experiencing now.

2. Open communication

Even though smartphones seem to keep us constantly connecting, texting your child isn’t the same as having a face-to-face conversation. We often have a sense that we are closer than we are, simply because we’re digitally connected.

Just because you can track your child’s every move doesn’t mean you really know him or her. You might know their location and activity, but you don’t know what they’re feeling. That can only come through the face-to-face connection.

Often, parents feel like their teenagers won’t communicate with them. You have to set the example for initiating conversation. Don’t expect much in return. If your relationship has become strained over the years, your child might not feel emotionally safe enough to share things with you. It’s important for you to be proactive in regaining their trust.

Honesty goes both ways, so open up and share your own feelings and perspectives on life. This isn’t to say you should turn your child’s role into that of the parent and expect them to help you with your problems or be a counselor. The goal is simply to have open communication so your child can see your humanness and your willingness to admit that you too have weakness, struggles, and feelings.

3. Be consistent

This can be challenging. Consistency is one of the hardest disciplines for us as humans. We are affected by our moods, fatigue, health issues, the weather, work, and more. Some days you might be able to naturally tolerate your child’s behavior better than others.

Let it reassure you that even though teenagers might proclaim their need for freedom, they often really crave structure and boundaries. They also want to be able to depend on their parents. If you promise to attend an event, be there.

The more consistent you are, the stronger your relationship will be, and the more your child will rely on you. This means that when they have a problem, they’ll be more likely to bring it to you rather than to someone less dependable.

If your child wants to go see a concert they’ve been saving up for, but they’ll have to stay out a little past curfew, you might consider bending the rules and letting them do so if you believe they’re responsible enough. Help them remember to check in with you, but be willing to have discussions and be flexible with certain rules. You want to be firm but not unbendable.

4. Get to know their friends

Adolescents are quick to take their problems to their peers. Even though you might want them to bring issues to you first, that may not always happen. That’s why getting to know their friends can give you a little more peace of mind.

You can do this by opening up your home and providing a comfortable place for teens to hang out. Be present, but don’t hover or be intrusive. You might want to provide a snack and greet them, possibly have some small talk, without injecting yourself into every conversation.

If you gain the trust and respect of your child’s friends, they’re more likely to encourage your teenager to take his or her issues to you for help.

It’s inevitable that some friends will be a bad influence. This is another reason why getting to know their friends is helpful; you’ll be able to identify which ones are troublesome. Be careful starting conversations about friends who are poor influences; make sure you’ve created an environment of open communication and emotional safety, so your child will be more likely to listen to you when you have something less positive to share.

5. Cultivate support

This is possibly the most important tip of all, and a summary of all the ones that have come before. You might feel like you’re ill-equipped to deal with raising an adolescent, especially if your child is acting out in any way or struggling with depression or anxiety.

The most important facet of parenting a teenager is to cultivate support for them and you. Surrounding them with a supportive network including you and their friends will help them get through this challenging stage of life.

There are times when professional support is warranted as well. Many times, teenagers feel validated when discussing issues with a non-parental adult; this helps them feel like they’re being treated with respect, and they might respond better to advice that isn’t coming from a parent. Both individual and family counseling can be beneficial if you’re going through a particularly tough time.

Family counseling provides a setting to have difficult conversations with a neutral, educated moderator. Many teenagers find counseling to be a constructive way to work through issues that have caused arguments and tension at home.

Raising a teenager may be one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do, but learning some helpful ways to frame your approach can help you set yourself up for success. If you’re working to provide emotional support and a consistent structure, you’re already helping your child. Don’t hesitate to reach out Newport Beach Christian Counseling for more help if you need to. This can be a big step towards growth for you, your child, and your family.

Photos:
“Her own girl”, Courtesy of Ian Dooley, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Attitude”, Courtesy of Augusto Lotti, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “The Defiant One”, Courtesy of Matheus Ferrero, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Personality”, Courtesy of Eric Nopanen, Unsplash.com, CC0 License 

Child Therapy for Behavior Issues

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When kids struggle to communicate their negative emotions verbally, they often resort to acting out or arguing to demonstrate how they’re feeling. They might throw a tantrum, yell, or scream to communicate their anger instead of being able to explain the source of their frustration.

Parents who think they’ve made a reasonable request might not know how to react when their children respond in anger. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can provide valuable strategies for managing such situations effectively.

For example, imagine you’re cooking dinner and you hear your kids arguing in the next room. You feel frustrated because you’re thinking about all of the times you’ve lectured them to get along.

You may place the blame on your children for acting this way; after all, you’ve told them over and over how they should act. A more helpful focus would be to consider whether your expectations are as clear as they should be, and how consistent you’re being with communication and follow-through.

No matter what struggles you might be having in communication or consistency, you can always adjust your approach in order to see benefits.

Part one of this series discussed reflective listening as a tool to make children feel heard. Reflective learning helps the speaker feel that they’re understood and can connect a child to his or her emotions, as well as coach them to comply with your instructions. In this article, we’ll discuss therapeutic limit-setting.

Therapeutic Tips for Parents

As a therapist, some of my unchanging standards are unconditional positive regard, a belief that the client has the inner ability to change, and empathy.

Ensure that you are approaching your child with unconditional positive regard by not allowing their behavior to lead you to judgment or condemnation of who your child is as a person. This will create an environment of safety and security that allows your child to feel protected.

It’s important to remind yourself that your child is the only one who possesses the ability to change his or her behavior.

This means you’re not responsible to make your child learn or understand; you can only do the best you can to communicate while encouraging your child to grow in confidence that he or she is able to overcome difficulties.

Empathy involves valuing your child’s emotions and experiencing and honoring them as an individual, as well as honoring your own individuality. This makes your child feel known and seen as a worthwhile person.

How to Set Limits for Your Children

Using these standards as a foundation, we can apply the following model to set limits for our children’s behavior. This model is based on Garry Landreth’s teaching on how to set limits in child-centered play therapy. It’s called the ACT model of limit setting.

The ACT model is comprised of three components: acknowledge your child’s feelings, communicate the limit, and target the alternatives.

Step One: Acknowledge Your Child’s Feelings

We introduced this topic in our discussion on reflective listening. Acknowledging a child’s feelings means you verbally reflect what you think their current thoughts and emotions are. Pay attention to facial expressions, body language, and both verbal and nonverbal cues.

Acknowledging your child’s feelings makes them feel understood and helps them connect emotions with how they’re acting.

Example: “I know you are feeling very angry with me right now. So angry you want to hit me.”

Step Two: Communicate the Limit

You set a boundary that does not allow your child’s behavior outside of certain limits. This won’t stop a child from feeling upset or angry. Instead, they’re used to stop hurtful, destructive, or disrespectful behavior.

“… but you may not hit me.”

Step Three: Target Alternatives

Once you’ve set a limit on a certain behavior, tell your child how you expect them to behave instead. Let them know how they can express their emotions in a safe and responsible way.

“You may choose to hit your pillow or you may choose to hit a beanbag.”

Limit-setting isn’t just a way to give your child options, even though choices are a part of the model. We use choices in order to acknowledge that children have the ability to control their own behavior.

This helps to teach them the difference between impulse and action, and it is an empowering way to give them the tools to learn self-control.

This model is helpful for parents as well. You no longer feel like you have to control your child’s every move, or that your authority is dependent on whether your child feels like listening to you.

Instead, you’re placing the responsibility for obedience on your child, while focusing on your own responsibility to set expectations and follow through with appropriate consequences when those expectations are not met.

Consequences can be used as Step 4 of the ACT model. A child who has chosen to hit their parent instead of using an acceptable way of expressing their emotions should experience a consequence for their behavior:

“When you chose to hit me, you chose to lose all of your TV time this week.”

Speaking this way might not come naturally in the beginning, but it eventually becomes intuitive and helps both you and your child know what to expect. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers guidance to make this transition smoother and more effective.

This tool is something that is used daily in child therapy settings, and it is highly beneficial. It gives children structure and consistency and teaches them emotional self-regulation, allowing them to grow and flourish.

Photos
“Reconciled,” courtesy of Eye for Ebony, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Girl,” courtesy of Patrick Fore, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Pout,” courtesy of martakoton, pixabay.com, CC0 Public Domain License; “Parenting,” courtesy of marcisim, pixabay.com, CC0 Public Domain License

How to Navigate the Five Primary Grief Stages

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Grief is an incredibly difficult thing to go through. At some point, we are all likely to experience it in some form – whether through the loss of a loved one, the breakdown of a relationship, or even a personal failure. You may have heard of the “stages” of grief.

These are often used to try and define the different coping mechanisms we employ in response to grief, as we come to terms with loss and heartache. But they are by no means one-size-fits-all – people will experience grief in very individual ways. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers support to help individuals navigate their unique grief journey, providing personalized approaches to healing and coping.

Simply put, there is no one right path of grief, and you should never feel under pressure to conform to one particular way. David Kessler, an expert on grief, writes that the stages of grief “are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling.”

He suggests that they are not merely some sort of “stations of the cross” to be performed in order. In fact, not everyone experiences every one of them, or if they do, it is not in a set order. He hopes the stages of grief will provide a knowledge of the landscape of grief, better helping us to handle the loss. Grief will be as unique as the individual experiencing it.

Grief can be incredibly lonely. Despite your best efforts, you may not be able to fully explain how you feel, making it an extraordinarily isolated place to be. That said, there are some recognizable elements of the grieving process that can be common to many people.

Indeed, it is important to become familiar with these, so that you are prepared for when they hit. Again, it is vital to stress that there is no “right” way to grieve, and each person will develop their own individual methods of coping.

Christian Hope for the Grieving

While it might feel as if no one truly understands what you are going through, the Lord knows everything there is to know about it. Indeed, not only does God promise to come close to us in our pain and heartache, but he also declares, in Revelation 21:4, that “He will wipe every tear from [your] eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain.”

Christ knew the depths of earthly grief and can identify with our deepest pain. At the grave of Lazarus, the Bible says that “Jesus wept” (John 11:35). Of course, Jesus went on to resurrect Lazarus, demonstrating his ultimate power over the “final enemy” of death.

The Longterm Process of Grief

Grief is a process and should be viewed in the long-term. Too often, we look for a “quick fix” or the ability to rush through the prescribed “stages of grief,” failing to give ourselves ample time. It is important to note, however, that even with all the time in the world, the pain may never fully leave you.

Grief can be a long process, and though the pain may ease over time and as you deal with it alongside friends, family and a trained counselor, it may always be with you.

It is worth looking at the latest version of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), which is used by mental health professionals to analyze and diagnose their patients. In the part about depressive disorders, it has a caveat that demonstrates how important it is to distinguish between grief and actual mental disorders:

“Careful consideration is given to the delineation of normal sadness and grief from a major depressive episode. Bereavement may induce great suffering, but it does not typically induce an episode of major depressive disorder.”

Death is an Amputation

So, with this in mind, it is important to point out that there should never be an “end goal” for grief – it is a process that must be managed carefully and sensitively. A trained counselor will assist you to move forward in your life while always honoring the person lost.

Theologian and writer C.S. Lewis, who lost his beloved wife, wrote that “the death of a beloved is an amputation.” He also wrote of how no-one ever truly “gets over” a loss like that, but that they learn to adapt to their new life without having the person around.

In his book, A Grief Observed, Lewis wrote: “He will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones, and he will always be a one-legged man. There will be hardly any moment when he forgets it. Bathing, dressing, sitting down and getting up again, even lying in bed, will all be different. His whole way of life will be changed. All sorts of pleasures and activities that he once took for granted will have to be simply written off.”

Grief and love are intimately related. You only grieve someone so much because you loved them so much.

Grief is Not Just About Death

When we think of grief, our minds often jump to the aching loss of someone we love. But as we mentioned earlier, there are plenty of other life events that can cause you to experience a season of grieving.

Examples could include:

  • Loss of a pet
  • Loss of employment
  • Loss of physical or mental capabilities
  • Separation from someone you love
  • End of a friendship or relationship
  • Infidelity
  • Divorce

These are highly emotional events and may evoke a reaction of grief similar to the death of someone close to you.

The Five Grief Stages

With that being said, it is worth looking at a few of the more prominent aspects of grief to gain a more general understanding of the grieving process and what it usually looks like.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of death from her book “Of Death and Dying serves as the most significant work in this area. Though somewhat trivialized through the years, these aspects are still incredibly helpful to understand when exploring the topic of grief. She defined the five grief stages as:

1. Denial

Denial is a typical reaction to the immediate shock that hits you when something emotionally devastating occurs. It can be a way of coping that can help us to get through a loss during those painful and traumatic moments.

2. Anger

Though it may seem counterintuitive, anger may at times be helpful because it helps us release our emotions, instead of merely turning numb. Though the anger may be directed at any number of different things, it is always rooted in pain.

3. Bargaining

This reaction is likely to be an initial attempt to rationalize what has happened. Of course, that is impossible to do – what has happened cannot be undone. Nevertheless, our human nature will try its very best to do something to rectify the situation. We cling to any hope that tells us the situation could possibly be reversed.

4. Depression

When some time has passed, depression often sets in. The initial shock has worn off, and you are left feeling bewildered, sad and hopeless at the devastating loss.

5. Acceptance

Acceptance doesn’t mean that we have forgotten about what happened and have totally moved on with our lives. Instead, acceptance comes when we face the stark reality of the loss and figure out how to live with what happened.

Focusing on the Four Tasks of Mourning

Another helpful model for understanding grief stages comes from William J. Worden. In his Four Tasks of Mourning, he sees a more active role for the person who is grieving, rather than merely floating passively through the grief process.

This model can assist people in moving beyond the denial that is frequently experienced in the immediate aftermath of the death of a loved one. Worden believes that intentionally trying to work through the four tasks is absolutely essential in order for “equilibrium to be reestablished.”

The four key tasks are:

1. Accepting the reality of the loss

2. Working through the pain of the grief

3. Adjusting to life without the deceased

4. Finding a lasting connection to the deceased while also moving on with your life

Getting Help

If you or someone you know is facing grief, contact a Christian counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling for guidance, support, and reassurance, as you process your pain. Counseling is a protected and confidential space in which you can express your grief whatever way you feel. A good counselor will both honor the profound depth of your grief while also providing support as your process your loss.

Photos
“A Private Grief”, Courtesy of Nicholas Bui, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “The Road Ahead”, Courtesy of Johannes Plenio, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Grieving Man”, Courtesy of Tom Pumford, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Lightning Storm”, Courtesy of Jeremy Bishop, Unsplash.com; CC0 License

How to Help Your Child Overcome Symptoms of Anxiety

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When we imagine childhood, often thoughts of being carefree and happy flash across our minds. We hope for the same things for our children, yet more kids are showing symptoms of anxiety. Newport Beach Christian Counseling provides support for both children and parents, helping to address anxiety and create a healthier, more balanced childhood experience.

Unfortunately, they aren’t immune to anxiety. They enter this big, scary world and face many mountains of their own. Think about moving towns, changing schools or even having to participate in a spelling bee when there’s a learning or attention issue. Anxiety can be crippling at any age.

What Do Symptoms of Anxiety Look Like in Children?

All children get stressed at some point in life. They might have a test coming up or a tryout for a sport that turns their tummy into knots. If that’s the case, how do you know if your child is overly anxious? Children struggling with anxiety may have frequent stomach aches, headaches, completely stop eating and stop playing with other friends.

If your child is worried about an activity months or weeks in the future, this is a major indicator anxiety is consuming him. Children can also worry about catastrophes that are unlikely to happen and ask many ‘what if’ questions like, “What if our house catches on fire during the night?”

A child’s anxiety can extend beyond himself and affect his family. Some parents plan their vacations around finding a place that won’t disturb their child and trigger anxiety.

It’s easy to get overwhelmed and feel helpless when your child is facing anxiety, but when you remain steadfast and calm you can be fully present to guide your child through their everyday anxiety.

To help a child overcome anxiety, it’s important to first understand what’s going on in their mind. Children form anxious thoughts after sensing a threat and lacking the ability to cope. It derails them from daily activities when they get stuck in this pattern of thinking. The things that cause your child anxiety might not appear major, but it’s crucial to understand and empathize with your child’s struggle.

How to Keep Your Child From Worrying

Make sure your children feel heard and understood when they begin to worry. Don’t dismiss or minimize their feelings. To them, the feelings and thoughts are as real as you are and they need your reassurance. Next, teach them about two different paths the mind can take. Your anxious child automatically goes down the worry path without realizing that another option exists.

Help your child understand how the body changes when experiencing fear and anxiety, so he can begin to recognize the signs. Teach your child to talk back to their worries and fears. Imagine worry as a big bully or monster that can be conquered by telling why it isn’t welcome in your world.

The worry bully exists to keep everybody from enjoying life. Parents and siblings can even gang up on the worry bully together so that one child doesn’t feel isolated in this. The worry bully is an enemy we all must face together.

Show your child how he has the power to change his thinking. Give an example of a situation that could potentially cause anxiety for your child. Maybe even the thought of riding a school bus without you would cause him anxiety. The thoughts and feelings might range from, “What if nobody sits by me? What if the bus driver leaves me somewhere wrong? What if I get picked on? The bus is scary.”

Instead, you can think of it this way, “The bus driver is a professional and cares about the kids. My classmates show up every day to school without getting left somewhere else. My good friend Robby would sit with me if I asked him. My classmates even talk about how much fun it is to ride a bus.” The thoughts slowly shift to ones of excitement and confidence.

Don’t Give Up

Rewiring the brain to externalize anxiety takes time. If the family continues to focus on working together as a team to fight the worry bully, your child will experience different ways to overcome those anxious thoughts and not allow worry to wear him down. Talking with a counselor, at Newport Beach Christian Counseling, can help the family navigate through anxiety and brainstorm strategies for overcoming its influence..

Photos:
“Girl,” Courtesy of greekfood-tamystika, pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Worried,” Courtesy of Eneas De Troya, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0); “Afraid,” Courtesy of Joseph Gonzalez, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Plea”, Courtesy of Bkrmadtya Karki, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

The Benefits of Seeing a Family Counselor

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Information overload – two words that describe today’s world, with all the available resources online on just about anything under the sun.

Want to learn how to be a better Christian? Or how to improve your marriage? Want to be more productive at school/work? There’s a flurry of articles, websites, and experts available within arm’s reach that can get quite overwhelming.

While this information age is a great thing for this generation, the negative side is that it also brings about an unrealistic amount of pressure to produce the perfect kids. We know that this is literally impossible, but it’s still easy to get sucked into the idea that somehow it’s attainable. This creates big problems. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help parents navigate these pressures and find balance.

Priorities: Balancing Family Roles, Demands, and Contentment

How do you solve this crisis then? How do you find that delicate balance for all the various roles you play, remain content and grounded, with all the conflicting messages you are subject to? You need to prioritize.

God. He needs to be the number one priority in your life. Matthew 6:33 says, “Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” It’s important to stay grounded in Christ first and foremost. This will keep your feet on the right path. Make your relationship with Him a top priority and let your children see this so that they, too, may take after you in prioritizing a godly life.

Marriage. It is often said that the most important decision you’ll ever make in your life, second only to surrendering your life to Christ, is the choice of a spouse. Choosing a godly spouse will enable you to raise your children in the way of the Lord and leave them a godly heritage.

This, in turn, encourages them to do the same for their own children. In effect, a stable, loving, godly relationship with your spouse has the power to influence multiple generations. So after prioritizing God the need to prioritize your spouse comes next.

This means putting your spouse before your children. If that means taking a break regularly from your parenting duties, go ahead. Make sure your children see you modeling a healthy marriage relationship early on. Here are a few ways to do that:

  1. Set aside some time daily one-on-one time with your spouse and teach your children that this is your special time together and should not be interrupted.
  2. Intentionally schedule date nights – away from the kids.
  3. Plan a romantic weekend getaway with your spouse every once in a while. Arrange childcare with family or friends who may be able to care for the kids in your absence.

Boundaries

Boundaries are important. They provide guardrails for you and your family to know when it’s okay to relax and let loose, and when you’re dangerously close to crossing a line. Boundaries are essential for you as a person, as a spouse, and as a parent. It helps you protect what you value.

Set boundaries by taking care of yourself. You won’t be able to handle all the demands that life throws your way if you don’t prioritize your self-care. Your children need to see you taking care of yourself.

Whether it’s a healthy diet, exercise, deepening your relationship with God, spending time with friends, with your husband or precious time alone, let them see that you take care of you too.

Set boundaries with technology and social media use for yourself and your family. Advancements in technology have enabled people to be more productive and organized.

But if misused, it also has the power to drive a wedge between family members as you focus on your things and forget to enjoy each other’s company. So put limits where necessary in order to maintain healthy relationships. Have designated tech-free times to just enjoy one another.

Social media has many great uses – it helps you connect with people you may not get to see regularly and helps builds relationships; it also has its negative aspects- it can lead to unhealthy comparisons between your own life and what others project of their own lives.

Social media boundaries are necessary to strengthen trust, so it is important to establish guidelines with your spouse regarding what’s appropriate and acceptable when it comes to interacting with others on social media.

Children need to be aware of such boundaries as well, young and easily impressionable as they are. Talk to them about appropriate social media use so they will learn to use it in a way that benefits them, and avoid its pitfalls.

As a parent, you already know how important boundaries are for children. One mistake that some parents tend to make is not setting boundaries for activities and overstimulating their children, for example, swimming practice early in the morning, squeeze in a second language class after class right before violin practice, tennis early morning the next day, a third language class and drum lessons before dinner. That’s just too much.

Decide with your spouse how many activities you will allow your children to be in. Let the child choose for him/herself within the boundaries that you’ve set. When they know they have the freedom to move within these boundaries, they are able to relax and become less anxious. It’s important to remember that it’s actually okay for children to be bored at times, so don’t overschedule your kids.

Helicopter Parenting

Helicopter parenting, a term coined for the style of parenting where parents are overly focused on their kids, can cause children to be anxious. Focusing too much on them may also mean that other areas of your life, like your relationship with your spouse, with God and self-care, are prone to suffer.

Here are five signs of helicopter parenting as identified by author Meg Meeker, M.D.:

  1. Whenever there’s a problem, your child calls you. Every single time.
  2. Your child has a difficult time handling disappoint.
  3. Your child does not appreciate the value of hard work and tends to look for shortcuts.
  4. When your child has homework, you end up doing it. You also have a tendency to advocate on her behalf when you call the teacher.
  5. You spend a lot of time researching the best everything for your child – best preschool, best vitamins, best organic food.

Hal Runkel, the author of Scream Free Parenting, suggests that parents allow their children to experience natural consequences of their mistakes. Don’t always come to their rescue so they will learn to avoid these mistakes in the future.

It’s easier said than done though, as it can be instinctual for a parent to want to spare their children from pain. As someone once said, “Good decisions come from experience, experience comes from making bad decisions.”

Proverbs 22:6 says, “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” This verse teaches that parents should begin teaching their children the right way as early as possible, and not wait until they’re older when habits would’ve already been formed. You need to be consistent in the way you raise your young kids for them to catch what you’re teaching.

Allow them room to discover their own abilities and make mistakes. Don’t do anything for them that they can already do for themselves, lest you communicate lack of trust in their abilities.

For instance, if you tell your child to pick up after himself, but he doesn’t obey even after repeatedly telling him, you may have the urge to clean up after him. However, this teaches him that if he delays following you or doing his chores, you will end up doing it for him. So as long as it is possible, hold yourself back. Remember that delayed obedience is disobedience.

Some families still wake up their high school-age children to go to school. These kids were not trained early on to wake up by themselves, and so they face the consequences of not doing so.

One mom was even monitoring her collegiate child’s schedules, assignments and deadlines online, devising a plan on how the child should study and meet all these deadlines. In both scenarios, the children have not been taught nor encouraged to do things independently, and this presents a big problem for both the parents and the children.

If this sounds familiar to you, you need to take a step back. Calm your own anxieties. Teach your child well, and then trust his/her child’s ability to take care of him/herself. By doing so, you are showing your child that you have confidence in him/her, thereby giving him/her room to mature into a fully-functioning adult.

Right now you might be wondering why or how parents end up over-parenting. One major cause is comparison with other children. With the widespread use of social media and technology, it’s very easy for parents to compare their children with the parenting style and children of other parents.

This can lead to a tremendous amount of guilt, discontent, and anxiety. You begin to feel that you’re not good enough, you’re not doing it right, or that your kids would be better off with this or that. It’s not easy to overcome this kind of parenting guilt. But here are four ways, according to Christy Wright of Business Boutique:

  1. Remember that you are not responsible for everything, so don’t be a martyr. Let the pieces fall where they may.
  2. Give yourself some much-needed affirmation. How you spend your time – at work, with your spouse, with your child, are all important. But the most critical time you could spend is with God.
  3. Keep in mind that you are not perfect, and a perfect parent is not what your kids need. Kids need parents who are present emotionally and physically. To be this for them, you need to give yourself grace. Take time out if necessary, and enjoy your marriage with your spouse.
  4. Let your kids see that you are taking care of yourself. Let them see that you enjoy life as a parent, a spouse, a whole person. Make sure that you reflect the truth of God’s word in Psalm 127:3, “Children are a blessing from the Lord, and the fruit of the womb is His reward.”

How a Family Counselor Can Help

It is definitely easier said than done. It’s no small feat to get out of this cycle, particularly if this has been a long-time struggle for you and your family. If that’s the case, a professional Christian family counselor can help you get back on the right track.

There is absolutely no shame in seeking the services of a family counselor if it will better your family. Seeking professional help may be one of the best things you can do, as it will enable you to become not just a better parent, but a better spouse and follower of Jesus too.

Reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness. If you think you could benefit from this kind of help, reach out today. We would love to have the opportunity to work with you and your family in addressing the issues that keep you from living the abundant life God has promised. Newport Beach Christian Counseling is here to support you on this journey.

Photos
“Digital life”, Courtesy of Ewan Robertson, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Pause,” courtesy of Charles Nadeau, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0); “Helicopter”, Courtesy of Marc Wieland, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Shame”, Courtesy of Sevenheads, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

ADHD Treatment Options: Beyond Medication

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If you’re looking for ADHD treatment options that go beyond the typical medication solutions, this article is for you. First, let’s get a better understanding of what ADHD really is and what the symptoms include.

ADHD: What is it?

ADHD is a common disorder. The Diagnostic Statistical Manual, 5th Edition of the American Psychiatric Association (DSM-5), refers to Attention-Deficit Disorder (ADD) / Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) as a “Neuro-developmental Disorder” and calls it a neurological disease. Though the disorder is more common in children, the manual notes that it can occur in people of all ages. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers support and strategies for managing ADHD in both children and adults.

The National Institute of Mental Health (NIH) defines ADHD as “a brain disorder marked by an ongoing pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity-impulsivity that interferes with functioning or development.”

The NIH specifies three essential types:

  • Inattention – the person easily gets off task, fails to persist, has trouble focusing and staying organized.
  • Hyperactivity – the person is always on the move, regardless of whether it is appropriate or not. They may fidget non-stop, tap, or talk. In adults, this may be exhibited as acute restlessness or causing others to become worn out with the non-stop activity.
  • Impulsivity – the person may be prone to making snap decisions without thinking through any potential consequences or ramifications. They may feel a strong need for immediate gratification and display an unwillingness to delay gratification. They may constantly interrupt others and may make crucial decisions without giving them proper thought.

The Mayo Clinic’s website calls ADHD “a chronic condition that affects millions of children and often continues into adulthood. ADHD includes a combination of persistent problems, such as difficulty sustaining attention, hyperactivity and impulsive behavior … children with ADHD also may struggle with low self-esteem, troubled relationships and poor performance in school. Symptoms sometimes lessen with age [but] some people never completely outgrow their ADHD symptoms.”

The Mayo Clinic also lists several different real-life scenarios as examples to demonstrate the difficulties that those who suffer from ADHD will often experience:

  • The tendency toward classroom difficulties, which can be the cause of academic failure, judgment from others, and low self-esteem
  • The tendency to being accident-prone and suffering more injuries than non-ADHD children
  • The tendency toward low self-esteem
  • The tendency to struggle with interpersonal interaction
  • Greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse

Also, according to the Mayo Clinic, ADHD children are much more likely to suffer from such conditions as:

  • Learning disabilities, especially with communication and understanding
  • A variety of anxiety disorders
  • Depression
  • Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder, seen in irritability and easy frustration
  • Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), marked by a habit of defiant, negative, or even hostility toward those in authority
  • Conduct disorder, demonstrated in antisocial behavior like fighting, stealing, vandalism, or causing harm to animals or people
  • Bipolar disorder, which is characterized by both depression and mania
  • Tourette’s syndrome

What Causes ADHD?

CHADD and the NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health) state that even after a plethora of studies, the sources of ADHD are still relatively elusive. NIMH suggests that “like many other illnesses, a number of factors can contribute to its development,” such as:

  • Genes – more than 20 genetic studies indicate clear evidence that ADHD runs in families.
  • Smoking, alcohol consumption, or use of drugs while pregnant
  • Environmental toxin exposure while pregnant. or for the child, at a very young age
  • Over-consumption of sugar
  • Low birth weight
  • Various brain injuries

CHADD also lists the following items, which while they are not known causes, are believed to intensify ADHD symptoms for some:

  • Excessive watching of television
  • Excessive sugar intake
  • Stress in the family (e.g. – conflict, poverty)
  • Trauma

There is a mixed bag of opinions when it comes to the distinct “causes” of ADHD, though most experts would agree that it is rooted in a neurological chemical imbalance.

ADHD has, like many mental disorders, been medicalized, and serious efforts are underway to reassure parents that ADHD is not as a result of bad parenting, family issues, bad teachers, or improper socialization. Lacking well-tested evidence one way or the other, ADHD is currently viewed as a brain-based medical/genetic disorder.

ADHD Treatment

Both the Mayo Clinic and NIMH are convinced that certain treatments can drastically reduce ADHD symptoms, improving quality of life.

A variety of medications are prescribed and combined with various therapy approaches:

  • Behavior therapy: Parents and teachers can adopt behavior-modification techniques, such as reward systems or timeouts.
  • Psychotherapy: Older ADHD children are encouraged to discuss the things that are bothering them, exploring inappropriate patterns of behavior, and learning appropriate and healthy ways to manage their condition.
  • Skill Training for Parents: Parents develop and put into practice ways of understanding and guiding their child into right behavior.
  • Family therapy: This nurtures the family dynamic and will assist both the parent and child in understanding the challenges they face.
  • Training in Social Skills: Children are helped to develop acceptable social behaviors that will serve them well in adult life.

The Mayo Clinic also recommends some alternative treatment methods:

  • Meditation or Yoga: Regular practice of yoga or meditation can help children learn relaxation and discipline, which can help them learn to manage their ADHD.
  • Special diets: The diets typically recommended for those suffering from ADHD require them to eliminate foods that are rich in sugar and fat. Experts would also advise avoiding additives and coloring. However, studies so far have not discovered a substantial link between ADHD and diet. It is recommended that those with ADHD stay away from caffeine, which can trigger many of the symptoms associated with this disease.
  • Vitamin or mineral supplements: While there is no conclusive evidence that they can actively alleviate ADHD symptoms, vitamins can be good for one’s general health. “Megadoses” of vitamins – doses that are in excess of the Recommended Dietary Allowance (RDA) – can cause harm.
  • Herbal supplements: To date, no evidence suggests that herbal remedies are of help in managing ADHD, and on the contrary, some can even be dangerous.
  • Proprietary formulations: Made of vitamins and micronutrients, as well as other ingredients, there is little evidence to suggest they can do any good.
  • Essential fatty acids: These fats, which include omega-3 oils, are necessary for the brain to function well. Research regarding their efficacy is still ongoing.
  • Neurofeedback* training (also referred to as electroencephalographic (EEG) biofeedback): a child is taught to focus on performing a specific task while employing a machine which displays brainwave patterns and activity, keeping brain wave patterns active in the front of the brain, and thereby improving ADHD symptoms. Additional research is required to determine the efficacy of this treatment.
  • Regular exercise, alongside its general health benefits, may also positively affect ADHD children’s behavior when supplemented by other kinds of treatment.

Christians and ADHD Treatment

The Medicalization of ADHD

The medicalization of ADHD has been occurring for some time. Current estimates by CHADD suggest that more than 1 in 10 U.S. children, ages 4-17 have received a positive ADHD diagnosis and that more than 15% of elementary school-aged children are routinely diagnosed as having ADHD. These numbers alarm many people who call into question the APA’s contention that ADHD should be classed with the neurobehavioral diseases.

Additionally, it is important to treat the medicalization with caution. It can become too easy for difficult children to be broadly defined as suffering from ADHD and quickly medicated as a result. This may not be dealing with their root problems and simply numbs the neurological problem without adequately treating it.

A 2012 article in Der Spiegel magazine quotes Dr. Leon Eisenberg, a pioneer in ADHD studies, who eventually distanced himself from the over-diagnosis of ADHD. “ADHD is a prime example of a fabricated disorder,” Eisenberg said. “The genetic predisposition to ADHD is completely overrated.” Instead, child psychiatrists should investigate much more thoroughly the psychosocial reasons that can lead to behavioral problems, said Eisenberg. Are there fights with the parents, do mothers and fathers live together, are there family problems? Such questions are important, but they take a long time, said Eisenberg, adding with a sigh: “A pill commits itself very quickly.”

Too often, a purely medical diagnosis misses the holistic nature of the condition. Plus, the ADHD label can become very stigmatizing. Author Kati Li claims that “by diagnosing kids with ADHD, biological factors have come to override what used to be considered moral problems under the jurisdiction of the family.”

Li asserts that the medicalizing ADHD fails to hold children responsible for their own actions. Rather, it relegates unacceptable behavior to the realm of disease, and families are not considered responsible for their failure to discipline, socialize, and protect their children.

Medication

The medicating of ADHD is also a cause for concern for many. Many of the drugs prescribed for ADHD treatment closely resemble amphetamines (speed), a narcotic in the same class as cocaine and one that is often used in a recreational context. Many argue that ADHD medication can also lead to nervousness, addiction, anxiety, decreased appetite, insomnia, headache, nausea, stomachache, heart palpitations, and dizziness.

Anthony Martignetti, critical of prescribing medication for ADHD treatment, believes that “talk therapy” is a much better way forward. He emphasizes the role of the parent in effectively treating ADHD, pointing out that they may “interpret discipline, age-appropriate accountability, and boundaries to be forms of psychologically damaging abuse…which creates children without boundaries who are unresponsive to parental controls and who act and appear to be what we would have referred to in another time as ‘spoiled brats.’”

Secondly, he argues that ADHD can be made worse when parents lack sufficient time to actually parent their kid. Parental fatigue and guilt may be one reason that children are lacking boundaries and struggling to listen to instructions.

Third, Martignetti points the finger at societal and cultural shifts that interpret aggressive behavior, “roughhousing,” competitiveness, and other kinds of “acting-out” as actually detrimental to the self-esteem development process.

Religious Considerations

According to Ms. Li, the medicalization of ADHD appears to only offend certain Christian groups (i.e. Catholics and Conservative Protestants). Conservative Protestants rightly believe the Bible to be God’s word (and therefore infallible and inerrant), and that human beings possess a sinful nature which predisposes him to rebel against and disobey God’s laws. On this basis, they also discourage behaviors that constitute a health risk (i.e. – smoking, extramarital sex, drug use, fornication, etc.).

Evangelicals point out that according to 1 Cor. 6:19 the body of a Christian is a temple of the Holy Spirit and therefore must remain free of sin. Evangelicals reject much of secular psychiatry due to its secular presuppositions, favoring a Biblical approach instead. As a result, they typically do not view ADHD as a disease. In fact, conservative Protestants and Roman Catholics have both recognized the spiritual aspects of ADHD.

The Bible contains teaching about many of the symptoms of ADHD. A quick search of a Bible app will turn up references to “attentiveness” (Proverbs 6:6-8, 6:20-21, 7:24, 12:11, 24:27; Colossians 3:23; James 1:19; Deuteronomy 6:6-8; 1 Peter 1:12-15), “self-control” (Galatians 5:23, 2 Peter 1:6, 1 Corinthians 9:27, Proverbs 10:19, 25:28, Matthew 12:36, Philippians 4:8), and “impulsivity” (Proverbs 18:13, 21:5, James 1:2-4, 1:19, Galatians 5:22).

In addition, Philippians 2:3-4 demonstrates the need for one to have a servant’s heart, Romans 12:2, Ephesians 4:23, and Philippians 4:8 teach self-control over one’s own thought life, 1 Corinthians 14:40 implies that living lives of disciplined structure is desirable, 2 Timothy 3:10-11 shows that demonstrating acceptable behavior is important, and 2 Timothy 3:16 states that the teaching of the Bible is profitable.

The Pursuit of Godly Seed, a book written from a conservative Christian perspective, demonstrates how Biblical principles of children-rearing and developing healthy home life can actually be a guard against ADHD. The book points out the devastating consequences of devaluing, neglecting, and rejecting children and their need for excellent, guidance, training, discipline, teaching, protection, and faith-based nurturing.

The book argues that children may be exasperated by parents or caregivers and that this can turn them off to the things of God. The book lists some key conditions that could result in this occurring in children from a Christian background: (a) “lukewarm” Christianity in the home, (b) abuse in anger, (c) the pain and confusion of parental divorce, (d) verbal abuse, and (e) sexual molestation or abuse.

Concluding Remarks

Christians should always critically assess any ADHD diagnosis given by a medical professional and would be wise to survey all available treatments when seeking ways to help their child’s condition. There are many beneficiaries to the medicalization of ADHD in children, and indications are that the medical industry frequently undermines the role of parents and family and interferes with their attempts at Biblical child-rearing. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can provide a faith-based approach to navigating ADHD diagnoses and treatments while supporting Biblical parenting principles.

Too often, parents are effectively “drugging” their children, having been told that their kids have a “brain disease.” But we must be critical of the evidence for this assertion. Many believe that inattentive or impulsive children are simply in need of well-rounded parental discipline, guidance, and love rather than serious medical intervention. God loves these kids, and he wants them to grow into all He has planned for them. With this mind, parents should think carefully about reaching for prescriptions and should take careful thought when seeking treatment for their child.

Photos
“Twirl,” courtesy of Caleb Woods, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Purple donut,” courtesy of Sharon McCutcheon, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Medication,” courtesy of jarmoluk, pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Bible,” courtesy of Aaron Burden, unsplash.com, CC0 License

Two Common Anxiety Disorders in Children

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Do you recall what your very first day at school felt like? Or how about your first day of work on the job? These thoughts and fears may no longer reside in your memory since they were normal and temporary reactions. However, imagine how it would feel if you were to experience those same feelings constantly, even when they made no sense!

These feelings of anxiety can be overwhelming for a child. Maybe your child struggles with anxiety and you are wondering what is really going on in their head when they fear a social setting so much that they can’t participate.

It can be tough on the whole family when one of the children struggles with anxiety symptoms, and even more so when their best friend or their teacher just doesn’t get what is happening or understand how to support them. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help families and children navigate these challenges with understanding and effective strategies.

Some teachers are not equipped to know what is happening when a child experiences anxiety and they can underestimate the effects that it has on the student’s success and performance and social relationships. Teachers may confuse anxiety with other things, such as behavioral issues, and not know how best to work with parents for a successful outcome, as well as how to advocate for the child within the larger framework of the school system.

Perhaps you have wondered how to better understand your child’s needs when they face these types of challenges but are met with misunderstandings and/or lack of support from others.

The remainder of this article will cover 10 ways that anxiety affects a child’s life and education:

  • A child’s feelings of worry about themselves, their parents, or family members
  • Having nightmares or night terrors and lack of sleep
  • Symptoms of panic attacks
  • Decline in educational success
  • Physical symptoms of headaches and stomachaches
  • Extreme difficulty focusing or concentrating
  • Heightened risk of developing depression or other anxiety disorders
  • Lack of social skills or experience
  • Low levels of communication while in social situations
  • Being misunderstood by family, school teachers, and/or peers

There is a difference between anxiety and an anxiety disorder. There are anxiety disorders that occur only in children. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (DSM-5) distinguishes between anxiety disorders and normative fear or anxiety, noting that anxiety disorders are extreme and persist beyond a time that is developmentally appropriate.

Anxiety disorders in children can cause them to read greater levels of danger into a situation or completely avoid it. Separation anxiety disorder and selective mutism typically begin in the early years and persist throughout adulthood when left untreated. Sometimes children with anxiety disorders may have the symptom of panic attacks in response to a fear.

Separation Anxiety

Although some separation from a caregiver is normal in children, separation anxiety is when a child is so anxious from the separation of a caregiver that it is developmentally inappropriate. The diagnostic criteria for separation anxiety disorder include:

  • Nightmares
  • Worry that their attachment figure might be hurt in some way and a reluctance to be separated from them.
  • Physical symptoms related to distress.
  • Extreme apprehension about possible events such as kidnapping, accidents, getting lost or getting sick – anything that might separate them from their attachment figure.
  • Reluctance or refusal to leave the house and go to places like school, aversion to sleeping somewhere other than home, and physical symptoms such as head or stomach aches when separated from the attachment figure.

The most commonly diagnosed childhood anxiety disorder is separation anxiety. School disruption effects 75% of children struggling with separation anxiety because of their unwillingness to even attend school on a daily basis. Even children who end up going to school may still suffer because they cannot focus on what is being taught due to their anxiety over those at home.

Sleep disturbances are also common with symptoms consisting of nightmares as well as physical symptoms. This is a challenge for any parent who is unaware of the level of fear that their child experiences from sleeping in their room alone.

When a child does not get enough sleep, it is difficult for them to function at school. Their behavior may cause confusion in the classroom which can create tension in their relationship with teachers and peers. The behavior can become so disruptive that the teachers and peers may find it difficult to engage with them on a developmentally appropriate social level, resulting in the child being labeled as defiant.

A parent may develop their own response to their child’s anxiety symptoms. Some parental responses can end up reinforcing the child’s symptoms and behaviors. Negative behaviors may result in a parent removing them from the area in which the behavior occurred, which can increase their anxiety even more.

This can be increasingly frustrated for parents who struggle to understand what is going on with their child. Parents may continue to reinforce behaviors, for example, by allowing their child to sleep with them when they fear to sleep alone or to stay home from school when they do not want to go. This is detrimental to the family as a whole and may cause stress to the rest of the family.

Do you have a closer bond with one child more than the others? Perhaps this bond was formed with the child who most needs the sense of closeness and safety. This can cause rifts between you and your spouse or other family members before you are even aware of it.  While you spend much of your time attending to the child struggling with separation anxiety, others in the family may be feeling left out.

Not only does separation anxiety have an immediate effect, but it can prove detrimental long-term as well. The isolation a child experiences today can bring on social problems, later on, making it more likely they will remain unmarried. In addition, children who suffer from separation anxiety disorder are more likely to develop depression or other types of anxiety disorders as they grow up.

Selective Mutism

Anxiety can affect a child’s life and educational success in other, more subtle ways. Does your child never talk at school, but won’t stop talking as soon as you pick them up?

Does your child act shy in public when around people that you know, when only moments ago they were laughing and talking with their brothers or sisters in the car? Does this seem to be context-specific? Perhaps they suffer from selective mutism, another anxiety disorder that can strike children.

Selective mutism, though quite rare, typically affects children prior to the age of five. It often goes unnoticed until such time as the child enters school. Many times, children grow out of selective mutism, but understanding the effects, symptoms, and signs of it is still important because of the many ways that anxiety can affect a child’s life and education.

In order to deliver a diagnosis of Selective mutism, certain criteria have to be met, such as:

  • Not speaking in settings or situations where it would normally be expected (i.e. – school).
  • Not speaking when it isn’t merely a result of ignorance of the subject being spoken about.
  • Symptoms that are unrelated to some other type of communication disorder or which happen simultaneously with some other disorder, like autism spectrum disorder.
  • Behavior that lasts for more than a month and stretches beyond the first month of school, when children are normally hesitant to participate in their new surroundings.

Here are a few factors that are critical for understanding the kinds of symptoms that one should look for. Children with selective mutism will often have normal patterns of communication at home with their family. However, they will clam up in public settings (such as school) and may even fail to speak to their extended family members who do not live with them. Children may also be silent when in the company of peers.

A child with anxiety may have even more of a struggle in making friends at school than will a child who is anxiety free. It is even more challenging for a child that suffers from selective mutism. Other children may be hesitant to befriend a child that cannot talk to them.

Selective mutism may also produce other problems at school, especially if the teacher cannot interact with, and assess the educational levels of the child, or where the child cannot communicate their needs to the teacher.

Even though children with selective mutism can occasionally come up with nonverbal methods of communication, like pointing, the lack of communication may increase the possibility that they will be teased by peers, which will further aggravate their anxieties about being in social settings.

A child with anxiety, whether ongoing or only occasional, has feelings, emotions, and behaviors that may be initially confusing to those who care about them. Young children will likely not understand the anxiety symptoms in their body at first, but they pass into the adolescent years they become more aware and they may prioritize their need to feel better, even though they might not know exactly how to achieve this.

They may try things that may appear to relieve the anxieties that they experience and run the risk of developing unhealthy or risky habits that can lead to increased anxiety, shame, guilt, or confusion.

Parents, siblings, friends, and teachers can find it a significant challenge to interact with a child that experiences all the worry and fear brought on by separation anxiety or selective mutism. However, these challenges can be overcome – there is hope, because of the high success rate of managing both conditions.

Therapy can (and should) include both the child and family members to increase their understanding of the symptoms and to help develop more appropriate ways to manage anxiety and its causes. Children will be taught more appropriate ways of coping with their anxiety and develop skills to change their thought patterns when anxiety symptoms show up.

If you are unsure whether anxiety is the cause of your child’s distress, schedule an appointment with a Christian Counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling today. Becoming educated about your child’s anxiety can be the beginning of a new day for everyone.

Photos
“I love you,” courtesy of London Scout, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Afraid,” courtesy of Joseph Gonzalez, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Coloring time,” courtesy of Aaron Burden, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Smug,” courtesy of vborodinova, unsplash.com, CC0 License 

5 Ways to Improve Your Experience Parenting Teenagers

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Parenting teenagers can be daunting. Adults remember the challenges of being adolescents themselves, and no amount of money in the world would induce them to go through those years again! The teenage years can be unsparing in difficulty, lasting from ages 8-25.

However, it’s just as challenging (or even more so) to be the parent of a child at this stage of life. Suddenly, your relationship with your adoring child shifts, and you find yourself struggling to relate to a seeming stranger who treats you as an enemy. In the wake of these changes, the entire family struggles to adjust to a new normal. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help families navigate these transitions and restore harmony in relationships.

This article seeks to provide you with helpful tips to navigate the challenging season of parenting teenagers. A quick preview: don’t take things personally, set realistic expectations, understand your underlying goals and purpose, and encourage healthy self-esteem, and we also look at “eight anchors for adolescent growth” from the book Surviving Your Child’s Adolescence by Carl Pickhardt.

Helpful tips can’t make parenting teenagers easy, but implementing them can reduce the stress of this stage of life for you as the parent.

5 Tips for Parenting Teens 

1. Don’t take it personally

In Surviving Your Child’s Adolescence, Pickhardt uses the metaphor of a dog turning into a cat to describe a child turning into a teenager. You’ve spent years enjoying the happy companionship of a loyal dog, and then one day you wake up and find out that you’re the owner of a temperamental cat, who has a propensity to sulk in the corner.

When this realization dawns on you, it probably means your child has entered the teen years, and one of the best things you can do is to not take your child’s change in behavior personally.

According to Pickhardt, “Because parenting is a position of partial influence, parents need to limit their sense of responsibility. They can never know enough. They cannot fully protect any more than they can fully prepare.”

It’s hard not to attach a sense of personal worth to the way your child acts or performs, or to the level of success that they have. But your worth as a person and as a parent is not dependent on your child’s success. If you feel that you need to be perfect as a parent, that will probably end up placing pressure on your child to be perfect, which leads to unrealistic expectations of both you and your teen.

Feeling pressured to make sure your child is happy and successful will only lead to feelings of defeat, emptiness, and failure, because challenges and struggles are inevitable in life, and you won’t be able to control each one for your child, especially when he or she reaches the teen years.

Instead of this pressure, try to be a supportive, constant presence in your child’s life during the teen years. Trust the Lord, ask your spouse for support, and rely on other support systems if you need to. Be at peace with doing your best, even if your teenager disagrees with you.

Most teenagers go through a phase of mood swings, differentiating themselves from their family, and challenging authority to varying degrees. This will create unavoidable discomfort for you as the parent. Know that you are not alone during this time.

2. Set healthy and realistic expectations

It’s probably difficult to believe that the person who was once your lovable baby will turn into a teenager who doesn’t want to be around you. In some cases, teenagers don’t act this way, but most will go through a phase of distancing themselves from their parents and family of origin. This is a normal transition; it’s just part of growing up.

Make sure you’re not disciplining your child for behavior that is simply a developmental shift. Have grace on your teenager as he or she deals with mood swings, conflict, changes in communication, and even a propensity towards defiance.

Pickhardt explains five shifts that are a reality for most teenagers and will impact their parents and family life. The first reality is ignorance. During the teen years, kids become more private in their communication with their parents, effectively leaving their parents in the dark about certain aspects of their lives.

The second reality is estrangement. This occurs when a teen differentiates themselves from their family for the purpose of solidifying their individual identity. A teen may become interested in activities outside of daily family life. Abandonment is the third reality of adolescence. Parents often feel abandoned or lonely because their teen wants to spend less time with them.

Control is the fourth reality: “The challenge for these parents is to accept that although they can’t control their son’s or daughter’s choices, they can inform them, asserting influence through communication they make and stands they take.” During childhood, it’s easier for parents to set limits; the teen years require some adjustment.

And finally, the fifth uncomfortable reality is conflict. If there’s a teenager in the house, an increased level of conflict will probably be there as well.

Perhaps you’re thinking boarding school sounds good right about now, but having realistic expectations will make the journey of parenting your teen much easier in the long run. This normalizes your child’s behavior and helps you prepare for future transitions.

3. Understand the purpose

Though it may not feel like it now, this season of life has a purpose. The teenage years are a time of transition—from being completely dependent (as a child) to being independent (as an adult). This process of a child differentiating from their parents and developing a sense of personal identity and responsibility will allow them to be a thriving and productive adult one day.

Of course, this isn’t always fun to think about, but it’s a parent’s responsibility not just to enjoy their children, but to facilitate their development and preparation for adulthood.

The elevated levels of conflict in your home during this time are a natural way to “broker increasing differences between you and your teen, a necessary part of how you get along.” In other words, the conflict is necessary in order for you and your teen to reach a new level of equilibrium in your relationship, one that acknowledges disagreements and different values.

Sometimes you might feel like your teen is defiant for no reason at all, but it’s actually a necessary step in attaining independence and a sense of self.

No matter what stage of life you’re in, change is difficult. Consider the last major transition you went through as an adult. You probably felt uncomfortable, stressed, and anxious. Your teen is feeling that way right now, multiplied several times over, as they navigate a solid decade of constant change. A little empathy from their parents can go a long way toward making this time of life easier.

4. Encourage self-esteem in your teen

This is simpler than it might sound; just find any way you can to speak an encouraging word to your teenager. He or she will probably struggle frequently with discouragement, loneliness, and disappointment, as well as a comparison to others. As the parent, you can be your teen’s safe place—the one person who is guaranteed to build them up and see their potential. Look for ways to share in your teen’s happiness, join their activities, and encourage their dreams.

Whenever a new activity or trend catches your teen’s attention, you should always show an interest in it. Even when they move on or fail to reach a goal, they will in all likelihood cherish the support you offer them. Figure out what is important to them and join in.

5. “Eight Anchors of Adolescent Growth”

These “eight anchors” as outlined by Pickhardt offer a tangible guideline for parents to understand what they can expect from—and cultivate in—their teens.

  • Completing homework – Pickhardt describes homework as “work ethic training.” These assignments offer a daily opportunity to complete an often-unpleasant task even when you don’t feel like it (i.e., being disciplined). It also allows your teen to grow in the skill of time management. Having good time management skills and being self-disciplined will set your teen up for success in life.
  • Cleaning your room – Learning how to clean and maintain one’s personal space is one of the first steps in preparing for adulthood. It also shows respect for oneself, parental standards, and other members of the household.
  • Doing chores – Helping with household tasks is part of being a responsible family member. The parents are not the only ones who should be caring for and maintaining a functioning household. Pickhardt believes that chores should be done regularly, apart from a child being compensated with an allowance.
  • Participating in family gatherings and events – Many adolescents will balk at this at some point, preferring to spend time with friends instead, but it’s critical to enforce family participation because it sets an example of valuing these relationships, which usually last much longer than peer friendships.
  • Volunteering for community service – Serving in some way on a regular basis allows your teen to get outside of their own experience and thoughts about themselves. It gives them an opportunity to put someone else before themselves.
  • Saving money – Money management is another fundamental skill that will be invaluable in the future. While people differ in whether they tend to save or spend, everyone can benefit from learning to show financial restraint, set goals, and manage your own natural tendencies with spending.
  • Developing proficiency – Pickhardt states, “Developing proficiency of knowledge of skill nurtures confidence that many adolescents sorely need.” Parents can facilitate this by encouraging their teen to commit to learning a specific skill and develop confidence in that area. It may be in the realm of music, sports, art, or something else. When your teen wants to give up, encourage them to persevere.
  • Relating to salient adults – It is a blessing to have godly adults in your teen’s life who set a good example for them. Teenagers need this to offer a contrast to the influence of their immature peers. These adults can be family friends, relatives, teachers, or church leaders who can exert a positive influence on your teen.

Parenting teenagers is a unique stage that can be fun, overwhelming, and exhausting all at once. Some days you might think your child will never get out of this stage, while at other times it will seem like they’re growing up much too quickly.

No matter what stage of the journey you’re on, keep what we’ve covered here in mind:

  • Don’t take it personally,
  • Set healthy expectations,
  • Understand the purpose,
  • Encourage self-esteem,
  • Establish the Eight Anchors of Adolescence.

Hopefully, these tips have offered some help and hope in your journey of parenting your teen. If you need extra support, don’t hesitate to contact our team of Christian Counselors at Newport Beach Christian Counseling . We would love to walk alongside you on this journey.

Photos
“Window seat,” courtesy of Alexandre Chambon, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Growing Up,” courtesy of Suleman Mukhtar, pexels.com, CC0 License; “Strong,” courtesy of Christopher Campbell, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Down,” courtesy of Marcelo Matarazzo, unsplash.com, CC0 License 

How to Deal with Anger Issues in Children

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Growing up is harder than it looks. Children face many challenges, everything from bullies to broken homes that can cause anger issues to build and manifest in a variety of ways, from name-calling to throwing a book at a sibling. There are multiple triggers that could cause anger to erupt in children, and the root of that anger isn’t always easy to identify. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers guidance to help children and families address these challenges.

Emotions are real but not always reliable

It’s important to mention that being frustrated or angry is a natural emotional response. If a child gets angry it’s not always something to be afraid of nor should a parent avoid discussing it either.

The results of that anger are what needs to be addressed carefully to successfully find a healthy way to express angry emotions. Unhealthy anger in a child could be expressed by violating someone through a form of physical aggression, verbal outbursts, seeking revenge or other negative, disruptive behaviors.

Address, but don’t suppress anger issues

Suppressing anger isn’t the solution. Children should have the freedom to express anger, happiness, sadness and the range of other emotions on the spectrum. They shouldn’t be restricted to only experiencing and displaying a certain set of emotions.

Controlling the emotions a child is allowed to feel can force those emotions to grow inward leading to depression or a host of other hidden hurts. Telling a child not to be angry is invalidating their feelings and telling them that anger emotion doesn’t exist. Acknowledging and addressing anger issues is the answer.

Parenting inconsistencies

Properly addressing anger largely falls on the parents involved in a child’s life. Parents of children struggling to manage angry outbursts, find it helpful to reflect on their own personal parenting methods.

Use of inconsistent disciplinary actions or methods leave the child with unstable boundaries and the inability to figure things out. As a result, the child is constantly frustrated due to the lack of consistency in their environment and they don’t learn the proper coping skills necessary to handle real-life situations.

A parent that remains calm during an anger outburst can easily detach from emotions and defuse the situation. Parents who model a healthy way to channel anger will be better equipped to facilitate the development of those same healthy ways in their children.

Ephesians 6:4 reads, “Father, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” In other words, Paul is admonishing fathers not to provoke their children to anger by providing them with a training process that builds their character through exposure to biblical principles that are good for them.

Freedom of choice

Life moves at the speed of our choices. Some choices move us forward while others take us back. When children learn that their choices are bringing them unfavorable results—limited screen time, timeouts, loss of privileges—they become more open to learning healthy ways to express emotions. Children have individual identities and need the opportunity to explore choices on their own.

It is helpful for parents to set clear expectations and consequences when in control of their emotions, refraining from impulse consequences that end up confusing their children.

An example would be to tell your child every night they need to wash the dishes after dinner. Failure to wash the dishes will result in no screen time that night. It’s better for a child to learn lessons from their bad choices and discover how to make responsible choices that are beneficial to their lives.

Delivering consequences

It’s a fine line between tender and tough. Letting a child know in the midst of a failure that they are still loved as they receive the consequence for failing to meet the expectation is how balance is struck between soft and stern.

For example, the child who did not wash the dishes before turning on the TV may be told, “What a bummer that you are going to miss out on tonight’s episode of your favorite show. I know next time you will remember to wash the dishes first.”

In this example, the parent’s anger isn’t evident and the consequences are upheld using a loving approach. This technique calmly explains the consequences of the child’s personal decision to disobey but focuses on the opportunity to try again tomorrow.

A child that is just yelled at only learns how much they dislike being yelled at or learns to use that in the future as their way to solve problems. Reacting to misbehavior during a crisis is never a wise option. Spanking or yelling when angry will only perpetuate that same behavior in your children.

Hebrews 12:11 (NLT) reads, “No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening–it’s painful! But afterward, there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.”

Children and adults don’t naturally gravitate toward a disciplined life. It’s not easy to embrace.  Implementing expectations, giving the freedom to choose and clearly discussing consequences with your children are a few steps to take to navigate anger outbursts and prepare them for the real world.

If your child is showing signs of uncontrollable rage or hostility, it may be helpful to sit down with a licensed therapist to talk through what could be causing the problem. Learning how to train your child without exasperating them can often yield great results for a child with an explosive temper. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can provide the support and tools needed to navigate these situations effectively.

Photos
“Let go,” courtesy of Josh Willink, pexels.com, CC0 License; “Snatching berries,” courtesy of Kelly Sikkema, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Kitchen drawer,” courtesy of Jaroslaw Ceborski, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Red head,” courtesy of Matheus Bertelli, pixels.com, CC0 License