Signs of Burnout and How They Differ from Signs of Depression

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Most of us have had the experience of waking up, thinking about the day ahead, and being tempted to roll over and continue sleeping for the rest of the day. It’s not unusual to get overwhelmed in your career, relationship, or studies to the point of wishing for a different life.

You might have realized that you are not coping, but have you wondered about what could be going on in your mental health? You might have noticed the signs of burnout, but could you also be depressed, and how would you know the difference?

There is a lot of overlap in the symptoms between burnout and depression, and many people experience both at the same time. However, burnout differs from depression in several important ways, and you can experience one without the other. Ultimately, the way to combat burnout is different from the way a depressive episode is treated. Knowing the difference will help you craft a self-care plan that radically helps you in the long-term.

More Than One Type of Burnout

People experience burnout whether they have a demanding career or are unemployed. You can experience burnout at home, in a relationship, within your friend group, or in your loving family. It becomes easier to notice the signs of burnout when you recognize the type of burnout you are facing.

Caregiver Fatigue

Burnout is a form of intense mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion that leads to an array of other symptoms, including physical sickness and chronic pain. Typically, people refer to occupational or career burnout. It is also common for people to experience caregiver fatigue. This is a form of chronic exhaustion that comes from providing ongoing care to dependents of any age.

It is common to feel overly responsible while also having little support in these roles, either practical or emotional. Ultimately, your empathy is reduced as you end up feeling resentful, guilty, and sometimes reliant on unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as substance abuse.

Parental Exhaustion

Being a parent is richly rewarding, but it can also be one of the most intensely difficult and draining roles you will take on. Parental exhaustion is a form of burnout where you feel inundated with the constant needs of those around you. You might feel as if you’re failing in your role, or like you’re a terrible parent for even struggling.

Others make it look so easy. They seem to be fulfilled, while you are emotionally dysregulated, tense, and deeply unhappy. Added to this, you might feel isolated, alone, and guilty for struggling in the first place.

Relational Burnout

Some relationships are physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. You might find yourself going through a prolonged season of conflict or imbalance, whether it’s with a spouse, family member, or close friend. It often feels like the success and health of the relationship rest on your efforts alone. No wonder you feel drained, detached, hopeless, and resentful. These are signs of burnout that you can’t afford to ignore.

Academic Stress

The final, most common form of burnout happens at an academic level. Students of all ages face the pressure to perform well, to meet constant deadlines, and to maintain grade averages.

This results in them feeling intense anxiety for their future, indecision about the path they’re on, panic from feeling tied to an uncertain destiny, and buckling under the weight of perfectionism. Having a minimal social life or relationships affected by the studies makes everything harder to deal with.

Signs of Burnout That Overlap with Depression

Depression is an umbrella term that describes a mental state sometimes caused by a clinical disorder, and other times by circumstances. In other words, you can be depressed because of something going on inside your body, by the events happening around you, or sometimes a combination of the two.

Burnout is an event that influences your health and habits. Of course, it is possible for someone who is already dealing with depression to also experience burnout. There is much overlap between the two.

You will notice the signs of burnout and depression in your body, in your daily routine, and in your mood. Burnout and depression both cause mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion. In turn, this affects your sleep pattern, social involvement, and hygiene. You might find yourself becoming increasingly more irritable and aggressive, or more disinterested in the things that once brought you joy.

One of the key differences between burnout and depression is in how it impacts you over time. Typically, burnout is an event that lasts anywhere between a few weeks and a few months. Depression can last for years at a time, resulting in changes to your self-esteem, outlook, and hope for the future.

Burnout might have you questioning your life choices, but depression will have you questioning your self-worth. Burnout will make you think, “I’m tired, and I don’t want to do this job anymore,” whereas depression ultimately has you thinking, “There’s no point to life anymore.”

Burnout still leaves a small sense of hope for the future. If you can make some practical changes to your responsibilities or have some important conversations, you can make a positive impact on your situation. It might take some time to recover from the exertion and stress, but ultimately, burnout can result in positive change. By contrast, the core of depression is hopelessness and disinterest in the future. Depression makes the future seem dark, and your efforts futile.

You can recover from burnout after a few weeks of improved sleep and diet, some physical movement, and time spent with friends. You cannot affect depression as easily. When you are in the grips of depression, it is unlikely that you will want to make changes at all. Besides, you don’t have the energy or enthusiasm required to make those changes.

When To Seek Help

The good news is that both burnout and depression are treatable, regardless of how long you have felt either or how intensely they have affected you. Besides making practical changes to your routine and improving your sleep, diet, and social life, you can address burnout by taking it to the source.

It might be that you have stretched yourself too thin, that you are not getting the support you need, or that you are overperforming because someone is pressuring you to do so. You will have to address these issues with the people involved and make some practical changes to ensure you don’t fall into the same habits.

If it is depression you are dealing with, know that you will likely not improve over time and that you need to seek the help of a professional. You might benefit from getting a medical checkup or psychological evaluation, but you will also need to implement bigger changes to your life. This could include changing careers, processing trauma with a counselor or confidant, or attending group therapy sessions.

Regardless of how it feels right now, there is a future for you. It might not be perfect, and it might take some work to realize it, but it is achievable and better than anything you are going through right now. As Jesus once told a group of world-weary people, “‘Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.’” (Matthew 11:28, NIV)

If you don’t know where to start or if you are overwhelmed, even contemplating your situation, we can help. So many of the things we face are put into perspective when we talk about them to someone with insight and compassion. With a counselor, you will find an empathetic ear, a confidential space, and informed insight. Please consult our online catalog if you would like to find a counselor or speak with our reception team, who can help you find someone suitable.

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4 Signs of a Toxic Relationship and How to Fix It

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Finding and being in a healthy relationship can be as exciting and as rewarding as finding a cleverly hidden geocache; it’s an amazing experience that takes a lot of work to accomplish.

Great relationships do take a lot of work because there are many things that can derail important aspects of a relationship, such as communication. There are many skills necessary to handle the challenges that beset relationships successfully.

As social and relational creatures, we are hardwired for relationships. Your relationships have a profound effect on who you are and who you become as a person. If you’re in a toxic relationship, remedying the situation as quickly as possible is the best move you can make for your well-being.

Indicators of a Toxic Relationship

A toxic relationship can pass and look like a normal relationship. However, on closer inspection, certain patterns, habits, and dynamics in the relationship are decidedly unhealthy and damage both parties. A toxic relationship has certain features that distinguish it from a healthy one. Some of the signs of a toxic relationship include the following:

The way you talk to each other Communication is the lifeblood of a relationship because that is how a couple shares their ideas, thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears, desires, expectations, disagreements, and more. Communication can be unhealthy if it’s steeped in anger, if you don’t listen to each other, if there’s constant criticism and too little encouragement, or if it builds up.

If a couple is constantly engaged in conflict, and they engage in conflict by casting aspersions toward one another, or they stonewall and become unresponsive to each other’s needs, those could also point to a toxic relationship.

The way you treat each other If a couple doesn’t honor each other, that is a feature of a toxic relationship. That lack of honor may look like disrespecting boundaries, making jokes at the other person’s expense, humiliating or putting each other down, not respecting each other’s opinions, seeking to manipulate or control each other, being deceptive toward one another, and not celebrating each other.

If a couple doesn’t enjoy each other’s company or chooses to avoid spending time with each other, if they are dismissive of one another and don’t protect each other, if they don’t seek the best for each other, nurturing each other’s strengths and shoring up each other’s weaknesses, they may have a toxic relationship.

Relationships are meant to be places of safety, but if they are instead places where physical or verbal violence occurs, they have become toxic. Similarly, if one or both of you tiptoe around each other and are unable to be honest and vulnerable because you fear reprisals or emotional outbursts, that’s also a concern.

How you over-rely on one another Interdependence is healthy in relationships. There needs to be give and take in the relationship, as well as the sharing of burdens. It becomes problematic if you derive your sense of self from each other, and you become defined by being over-reliant on your partner to rescue you or rescuing them.

Lack of trust Relationships thrive on trust to function. Without trust, emotional and physical intimacy is hindered, and communication breaks down. If there is constant suspicion, false accusations, or any avoidant or needy behaviors, that could point to a lack of trust in the relationship, and to a toxic relationship.

These and other behaviors can mark a relationship as toxic. When a relationship is toxic, it can affect you by increasing the amount of stress you’re under, it can lead to anxiety and depression, and it can place you in danger of emotional and physical harm. In other words, a toxic relationship can significantly affect your overall well-being.

How do relationships become toxic?

Sometimes, relationships begin with a toxic dynamic already in place. This can happen in a variety of ways, including the possibility that your upbringing shapes much of how you conduct your relationships. If, for instance, you grew up with parents who were perfectionistic, neglectful, controlling, abusive, or overprotective, those things can impact your growth and ability to function well in relationships with others.

The origins of a toxic relationship can be difficult to excavate and understand fully. Many different factors can contribute to a relationship becoming toxic, including idealizing your partner and entering into a relationship with unrealistic expectations. Such expectations can only lead to disappointment and deep frustration when reality hits home, and your partner isn’t what you want them to be.

A relationship can also become toxic based on the circumstances the couple finds themselves in and how they handle them. If a relationship is placed under strain, for example, through family or cultural expectations, social pressure, or financial stress, how the couple responds to these could be in a way that makes the relationship toxic. The couple could respond by blaming, blame-shifting, or not properly resolving the conflict.

Other contributing factors may include low self-esteem, trauma, abuse, or neglect; having poor boundaries; or having an insecure attachment style. These factors can lead to a toxic relationship, and they increase the possibility of entering and remaining in a toxic relationship. You may be more vulnerable to toxic relationships because of these experiences and traits.

As you begin relationships, it’s important to note a few things. The feelings of intense attraction and chemistry that often accompany the early stages of a relationship can blind you to glaring red flags and warning signs of a toxic relationship. At this stage, you may be infatuated, idealizing the other person and minimizing or overlooking their faults. Pay close attention, as the relationship may evolve, and toxic patterns can emerge with time.

There are some common early warning signs of a potentially toxic relationship. You should keep an eye out for these. They include things such as a disregard and disrespect for your boundaries; control, manipulation, or gaslighting; possessiveness and intense jealousy; being inconsistent or emotionally unavailable; being contemptuous of others, as well as putting down or disparaging them.

In other words, if there is a lack of love toward others and you, that could be the early signs of a toxic dynamic that may be unleashed in your relationship. Know these potential warning signs and step aside before things get serious.

How to Fix a Toxic Relationship

A toxic relationship can be detrimental to the well-being of everyone it comes into contact with. Is there a way to fix a toxic relationship? The first thing to remember is that it’s important to be aware of yourself and the ways you can contribute to or excuse a toxic dynamic in a relationship. In a given relationship, there are ways in which both parties can contribute to the toxic dynamic in the relationship.

Self-awareness of the ways in which we can enable toxic behaviors or perpetrate them is a first step. That, however, needs to be coupled with a willingness to change yourself and the relationship. You can’t change the other person, but you can work on yourself. You can’t control what your partner does, and you shouldn’t try. You need to be willing to do the work that’s needed to change how you are in relationships.

A toxic relationship can be fixed only if both parties can see the problems in the relationship, acknowledge their individual and collective part in it, and do the work of turning things around. One partner or spouse cannot do the lifting that’s required by both of them to make a difference. Sometimes one spouse starts the journey toward healing on their own, and then later the other spouse or partner chooses to join them on the journey.

There are instances in which the relationship is so toxic that it becomes a threat to life and limbs. Reach out and talk to trusted loved ones, a professional such as a counselor, or connect to a hotline that deals with issues of abuse. It may be necessary to remove yourself safely from the situation, and you can receive help to create a plan and do just that, even if it’s only for a season, until the other partner sorts themselves out.

A couple can seek help from a couples counselor to help them work through their toxic traits and habits. With counseling, a couple can identify the toxic patterns of behavior and come to recognize how it affects them as individuals and as a couple. The couple can learn to nurture trust, effective communication, and conflict resolution skills, helping them to build intimacy and a healthy relationship. Reach out for help to bring healing to your relationship.

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How to Recognize Codependency and Narcissism in Your Friendships

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Recognizing codependency and narcissism in your friendships may not seem relatable, but it’s worth reflecting on as you interact with friends of varying degrees. You will have a variety of friendships in your lifetime: co-workers, book club friends, workout buddies, lifelong friends, and casual friends who share a specific season of life. Knowing whether or not your friend is codependent and how that impacts narcissistic tendencies can help you and them.

What is narcissism?

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition, says that narcissism can be adjacent to a mental health disorder known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). However, narcissistic tendencies don’t necessarily qualify a person as having NPD.

Unfortunately, both terms (narcissism and codependency) have undergone a platform mutation in recent years to their detriment because of social media, public overuse, and misunderstanding. Narcissism itself isn’t evil or all bad. It often stems from poor self-esteem and exemplifies someone who is hurting.

While NPD shows a pervasive pattern of at least five out of nine diagnostic traits and usually starts becoming more consistent in young adulthood, having some narcissistic traits does not necessarily mean you or a friend has NPD. If a person has true NPD, they meet at least five of the following nine criteria in all areas of their life, not just in one or two areas or environments.

  1. They think of themselves as more important than others.
  2. They imagine they’re deserving of or will automatically inherit certain rewards or achievements, even if there isn’t evidence to indicate such.
  3. They believe they are special or operate on a “different playing field” of sorts. More than seeing themselves as self-important (as in No. 1), this tendency is to see others through a lens of haughtiness.
  4. They need a high degree of validation from others. Think of the leader of the “mean girl” pack. She surrounds herself with “yes” girls who laud her because she needs the admiration.
  5. They have an unrealistic expectation about what others owe them or should give them. Another way to state this is a sense of entitlement.
  6. They have a tendency toward – and establish a pattern of this behavior – exploiting others for their own gain and/or manipulating others to get what they want or to get out of doing something they don’t want to do.
  7. They’re unwilling to listen to or try to empathize with someone else’s perspective or emotional needs.
  8. Envy is frequent, and it can be their envy of others or their misconception that others are envious of them.
  9. They struggle with arrogance in multiple arenas of life.

What is codependency?

Unlike narcissism, codependency is not a disorder recognized by the DSM-5. It’s a behavioral pattern that was first used in the 1970s, made more universal in the 1980s when a book, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie was used to help those struggling with substance use disorder (SUD). Typically, a person with codependent behavioral patterns will often mask the consequences of another person’s behavior.

The person doing the masking may believe they’re protecting their loved one from negative consequences or hardship. What often happens, however, is an unhealthy attachment that requires a level of maintenance that can’t be sustained over time. It can create fractured relationships due to unclear boundaries.

Similar to narcissism, the term codependent has developed a negative reputation when, in fact, it’s simply a pattern of relating that can be unlearned when a person forms healthy attachments. Some markers of codependency include the following:

  • Refusing to do things or go places unless the other person also wants to do them or go with you.
  • Excusing a friend’s poor behavior (repeatedly) when it’s been hurtful to you.
  • Feeling guilty when you take time out for yourself instead of serving your friend’s or loved one’s needs.
  • Apologizing without working toward reconciliation, even if the fault isn’t yours, just to avoid conflict.
  • Doing more than your share when your friend could also contribute. An example might be agreeing to go on a trip together, but you do all the planning, pay for the trip, and drive, while your friend simply adds a few recommendations.
  • Feeling alone or like your friend doesn’t ask curious questions about your life often, yet you don’t mention it for fear of losing your friendship or not pleasing her.

How Codependency and Narcissism Arise from Similar Struggles

On the surface, it appears that codependent people struggle with low self-esteem and, therefore, may not assert themselves or their own opinions. This is not an accurate portrayal of a codependent-tending person. Just as a narcissistic person does not always think of themselves as better than others or isn’t always toxic and full of drama. However, the two can share similar roots.

When a person is codependent, they tend to learn those patterns of behavior from a parent or caregiver who did not give them the attention they needed as a child, or they were incapable of functioning as a healthy emotional adult. Either way, the person learned to cope by letting personal boundaries go by the wayside.

One example of this is when a person grows up and makes a friend at work. He had an alcoholic mother who often asked him to hide her receipts for wine from his dad so he wouldn’t know how much she was drinking.

As a young teen, he thought he was creating a more peaceful home life by saving the relational tension between his mom and dad. In reality, it was edging him toward an inability to develop healthy boundaries, recognizing it was not his job to save his mom from the consequences of her destructive behavior.

Then, in the friendship this adult man has with a co-worker, he isn’t able to see that the co-worker is taking advantage of their friendship by asking him to take the fall whenever he fails to prepare for a work presentation or wants to get by with leaving the office early. He asks his friend to cover for him by saying he had a doctor’s appointment, and this sets up a continual pattern of learned behavior and lack of boundaries.

Narcissistic personality tendencies can also be rooted in a struggle with boundaries. If as a young teen, someone struggles to see their worth and value, it’s usually referred to as low self-esteem. Rather than recognizing this and looking for healthy ways to develop confidence, a teenager may make fun of others to make herself feel better.

This kind of behavior – unchecked – can lead to dangerous adult relationships. She may use a grandiose view of herself to mask her low self-value and expect others to see her self-importance in the same light.

What to Do If You Recognize Codependency and Narcissism in Yourself or a Friend

One of the downsides of the public using terms that are clinical in nature – such as toxic, narcissistic, or codependent – is that they can take on inaccurate meanings. A good way to respond if you think you or your friend exhibits some traits of codependency or narcissism is to be curious, gentle, and compassionate.

While it doesn’t mean you have to let your friend override your personal boundaries, you can ask compassionate questions if she says something like, “I can’t go through the line without you. I’m too scared.”

An appropriate, boundary-setting response might be, “I’m enjoying my lunch while it’s hot, so I am going to stay here. But I wonder why it’s hard for you to go alone. Is there someone at the head of the line who makes you nervous?” This lets her know you care, but also holds a firm boundary about wanting to eat your lunch while it’s hot.

Other appropriate responses include recognizing when these qualities are present in yourself and avoiding self-blame or negative self-thoughts. Instead, you can reflect on an appropriate next step.

It might be looking for a counselor who can help you examine where your learned behaviors come from and what kind of solutions are available to help you overcome them. To find a compassionate, trauma-informed counselor, our offices are ready to help with your inquiries when you are comfortable reaching out.

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Is This Social Anxiety Disorder or My Personality?

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You might experience a quickening heart rate, feel sick to your stomach, or be dizzy. These are physiological symptoms that could come and go over weeks, months, or even years. How do you know if these  –  combined with your fears of meeting new people  –  are symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder or simply your personality?

Recognizing when symptoms may be related to Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) is complex, and not something you should try to ascertain on your own. However, learning about SAD can help you determine your next right step.

What is social anxiety disorder?

Social Anxiety Disorder may be something that you or a loved one has and doesn’t understand. It’s a mental health disorder related to other anxiety disorders.

If you are afraid of joining new groups, meeting new people, or appearing on a stage of any kind, you may have Social Anxiety Disorder. But did you know that even some fear of everyday tasks, such as purchasing a product from a checkout clerk or at a kiosk, making a phone call, or raising your hand in class, can also be signals of Social Anxiety Disorder?

SAD impacts an estimated 7-10% of people in the world, and it often begins in childhood or adolescence. When a person is afraid to join people, groups, or get up in front of others, it may be because of SAD. People with SAD worry about being rejected, criticized, or judged for something they do or say.

Social Anxiety Disorder Symptoms

Symptoms of SAD may seem small at first. You don’t want to participate in group projects at school because you don’t want to be the nominated speaker. Your fear of reading aloud isn’t related to your inability to read; it’s because you don’t want your voice to be judged by classmates.

These symptoms can continue and increase throughout a person’s life. They can range from small to large, come and go depending on the situation, and vary in intensity from mild to severe.

A person with SAD may avoid public speaking, or they may avoid anything where they are asked to address someone they don’t know. This can severely disrupt their life, making it hard to find a career, learn in a traditional school setting, or accomplish basic tasks like purchasing groceries from the supermarket.

How to Tell If You Are Simply Shy

Sometimes, the symptoms of SAD are mild, so they’re chalked up to shyness. This can disturb a young person’s self-esteem because they may perceive that there is something deeply wrong with who they are.

Unfortunately, if your social anxiety disorder is mild, meaning you experience the same symptoms for at least six months, it may be that shyness is hard to distinguish. However, if your symptoms are manageable and they don’t disrupt your everyday life, you are likely someone whom others would characterize as shy.

The tendencies you struggle with can be overcome. Still, it is important to note, your propensity toward shyness doesn’t mean you are any less valuable as a person, though.

Research suggests that shyness isn’t something we’re born with. A sense of self begins to develop around the age of one and a half years old. Consider if you were born with a more sensitive temperament and the caregivers in your life were not understanding of that temperament.

This may have led you to develop lower self-esteem, feel unworthy of love, or believe that the only way to exist successfully in the world around you was to be loud and outgoing.

Sadly, these unhelpful messages are common among people who are shy and among people who have SAD. It’s essential to know that your fears, which contribute to both shyness and social anxiety disorder, stem from real emotions that need to be taken seriously and dealt with gently.

In general, if your symptoms persist for longer than a few weeks (typically, at least six months) and if they’re disrupting your everyday life routines and activities, we recommend consulting a counselor.

Being introverted may increase the likelihood that you will develop SAD, but it doesn’t have to. Psychologists encourage evaluations for anyone who perceives he or she may have SAD because of comorbidities that may be contributing factors, such as generalized anxiety or depression.

Social Anxiety Disorder Treatments

While a person with Social Anxiety Disorder is less likely to seek treatment, due to fear of being judged, it’s essential for a person’s healing. If what you perceive as your shyness persists over time and interrupts your daily life, you can’t discern if you have SAD without a psychotherapy evaluation.

Seeing a counselor in person or online can bring you peace of mind and mark the beginning of a full, varied life. Missing out on friendships, career opportunities, or trying new hobbies are all consistent consequences of someone’s fear getting in the way of their everyday life choices.

Several treatments show promise for social anxiety disorder. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is used to treat multiple mental health issues, and studies show its effectiveness is long-lasting. With CBT, someone with SAD may learn new ways to think about themselves and the world they’re afraid to engage with.

A standard CBT method for social anxiety disorder may help the person understand that some of his or her perceived judgments aren’t there. It can help him or her focus less on self and more on the genuine good found in others. CBT helps people learn new behaviors and beliefs, which impact how they view themselves and how they perceive others’ views of themselves.

Another treatment for SAD is exposure therapy, where a counselor helps someone progressively address and face what they’re afraid of. For example, consider someone with SAD who is particularly afraid of raising their hand (or being called on) in class. Exposure therapy would encourage tiny steps toward class participation. Over time, these small steps add up to overcoming the fear of that specific situation.

Another treatment that has proven helpful for people who have social anxiety disorder is acceptance and commitment therapy. This therapy, also known as ACT, focuses on the gentle acceptance of fearful thoughts so that they can be invited, acknowledged, and hopefully, overcome through small attempts to engage in anxiety-reducing behavior. Mindfulness practices are one example of how a person can grow to address their fear without letting it take hold.

How to Help a Friend or Loved One with Social Anxiety Disorder

Learning to see the real struggle behind a person’s disorder is paramount to accepting and loving them as they are. When we minimize or try to quickly dismiss a person’s fear, it communicates that they’re blowing things out of proportion or fearful for no reason. These behaviors and attitudes only confirm their belief that they are not enough or that their presence doesn’t matter.

Instead, remind yourself that SAD is a mental health condition, not a simple refusal to be part of what you may perceive as fun. It’s a condition that can be overcome, but it takes patience and taking small steps over time when someone is ready.

Other helpful practices to help you show respect for someone with SAD include:

Listen first You might think you understand or have a story about a time when you faced a fear. Try not to share it. Instead, ask questions with compassion and curiosity to show that you care and are genuinely interested in listening.

Encourage second If your loved one expresses a desire to overcome their fears, start with understanding. There aren’t any quick and easy ways to wholeness when it comes to mental health disorders.

Collaborate third When your loved one decides he or she wants to work on the anxiety that’s held them back, ask if they’d like help to find a professional counselor or a CBT group that can give them resources and support. If they decline, that’s okay; ask what you can do to make them feel like you’re in their corner.

Don’t judge We’ve all had struggles in our lives, and mental health is no different than one of your challenges. Maybe you struggle to maintain a healthy fitness and eating routine, or maybe your spending habits need attention.

Try to remember that, unlike a simple tweak to a routine, a mental health condition needs specific, targeted therapy and can’t be unlearned by following someone on social media or making a lifestyle change. Judgments have no place in mental health.

When your loved one is ready, share the resources that you’ve seen – such as this article – that could lead to the discovery of a counselor who knows how to treat social anxiety disorder with patience and compassion. For more help and tools, contact our office today.

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What You Should Know About Social Anxiety Disorder

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Whether you have always been prone to social anxiety or only recently developed the condition, you know the feelings of intense fear, worry, embarrassment, humiliation, or agitation that come with it. You may have had to bow out of social functions, such as a child’s high school graduation, a grandchild’s school play, or meeting friends at the movies.

Social anxiety disorder disrupts relationships and daily activities. The good news? You can overcome the symptoms of social anxiety.

What is social anxiety disorder?

Social anxiety disorder is a mental condition that encompasses intense fear and worry about social situations. It could be attending a concert, going out to eat at a restaurant, catching a movie at the theater, speaking in public, attending a Bible study, or just meeting friends for dinner and shopping. Someone with social anxiety can experience symptoms while thinking about the upcoming event.

Causes of Social Anxiety Disorder

There are various causes for social anxiety disorder:

  • Problems with neurotransmitters
  • Environmental factors
  • Trauma, abuse, or neglect
  • Family history or genetics
  • Bullying and other negative experiences

Social anxiety disorder impacts your ability to connect with others. It affects your ability to attend social functions for close friends and family, and even for yourself. Eventually, it becomes difficult to participate in regular services like church and going to work. Many people suffering from social anxiety disorder choose remote jobs, but this may only reinforce their isolation.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Exposure Therapy

Psychology has come a long way with treatments for social anxiety. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Exposure Therapy are two of the most well-known and effective forms of therapy.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is used for a wide range of mental conditions, such as anxiety, depression, eating disorders, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), bipolar disorder, phobias, panic disorders, and schizophrenia. Many people use CBT methods to change negative behaviors.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy addresses the cognitive triangle, which connects thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. For example, a negative thought can lead to an unwanted emotion, resulting in a negative behavior.

The triangle also works backward, as a bad habit (behavior) can lead to negative thoughts and emotions. CBT works to break the cycle by inserting and reframing thoughts and behaviors. Changing emotions first is typically challenging, so most CBT practitioners work on reframing thoughts and behaviors.

Exposure Therapy is a controlled exercise that gradually exposes you to social situations. A counselor typically sets the parameters and prepares you for the event. Depending on the severity of your social anxiety, your treatment may start with a five-minute stop at a small grocery store.

As you progress through treatment, the stops will become longer and contain more people. After every exercise, you will report your progress to the counselor and discuss what occurred, how you felt, and what thoughts went through your mind. If an outing did not work out as planned, you will discuss what could have gone better and regroup to try again.

The only way you can “fail” at therapy is if you do not put any effort in at all. The goal never changes, only the means change. If something doesn’t work the first time, your counselor will help you pivot to another strategy. You will notice that you will build confidence the more you follow CBT and exposure therapy methods.

Tips for Moving Past Social Anxiety

Social anxiety is an anxiety disorder, and you can overcome the symptoms. Often, making small changes can make a big difference over time. Practicing how to handle social situations will prepare you for the actual event.

Don’t underestimate the power of lifestyle. How you live can worsen anxiety symptoms. Be sure to initiate changes in your lifestyle for your physical and mental health.

Start with a few of the following suggestions:

  • Eat healthier meals
  • Eat at home more often to control ingredients
  • Avoid ultra-processed food, alcohol, nicotine, and drugs
  • Limit caffeine
  • Drink plenty of water
  • Exercise most days of the week
  • Take a brisk walk daily
  • Prioritize sleep hygiene
  • Care for your body
  • Enjoy a hobby
  • Call a friend or family member

As you progress through therapy, reconnect with old friends and form new friendships. Social connection is a wonderful way to lower stress, and we want you to experience that through overcoming social anxiety disorder.

Say positive affirmations

Positive affirmations are phrases that help to encourage and empower. The more you say these daily affirmations, the more you will believe them to be true. When you believe something, whether true or false, it becomes true for you.

For example, many people have false beliefs because of the words spoken to them during childhood. These beliefs are true for them only because it is what they choose to believe. If a woman is told she is unattractive her entire life, it doesn’t matter how many people tell her she is beautiful; she will not believe it until she changes how she thinks about it.

The following are examples of positive affirmations to help you through social anxiety:

  • I can do hard things
  • I am made in God’s image and likeness, and He is never afraid
  • This, too, shall pass
  • I am loved
  • I am accepted
  • I need not fear. My God is with me
  • I do my best, and God does the rest
  • It is well with my soul
  • I am safe
  • I am blessed and have favor with God
  • I am set apart for God’s purpose
  • I can do this. I will do this
  • I am at ease with other people
  • I will enjoy this moment

Some of the examples above can also be used as mantras during a stressful time. A mantra is a word or phrase you repeat to calm your mind and pull yourself back into the present moment. Try silently repeating, “I can do hard things,” in the middle of a crowd. Do you feel a mindset shift? Practice daily positive affirmations and mantras to see how they work for you.

Recognize triggers

You can develop social anxiety disorder later in life, especially if you have experienced trauma. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), the pandemic increased the prevalence of anxiety and depression by 25%. Many people still struggle with anxiety and social anxiety that began in 2020.

When you recognize your triggers, you can better prepare yourself for a social function. For example, you may experience symptoms when you agree to an event where you might be the speaker or have people’s attention.

Consider the following tips to help you prepare for a social outing:

  • Learn about the social function and your role there. Are you going to watch, or are you expected to participate?
  • Think about topic conversations. People love to talk about themselves, so practice active listening and ask questions. You can use the FORM method: ask about their family, occupation, recreation and hobbies, what motivates them, and what their passions are. They will like you because you are genuinely interested in their lives.
  • Wear comfortable clothing and, if allowed, bring someone with you for support. Decide in advance when to arrive and when to exit.
  • Visualize having fun.
  • Practice your affirmations and mantras.

If you can, start gradually exposing yourself to social situations. Maybe that means returning a book to the library by walking inside and saying hello instead of using the book drop. Or committing to a dinner out with friends for a chance to practice your new skills. Go slowly and reassess what worked and what didn’t. Then, do it again.

Help for Social Anxiety

Social anxiety disorder is treatable using a wide range of therapies. Contact our office today to schedule an appointment with a counselor to discuss therapies such as talk therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Exposure Therapy. We would love to get you back to enjoying social functions with your family and friends.

Photos:
“Family Dinner”, Courtesy of Curated Lifestyle, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Counseling”, Courtesy of Andrej Lišakov, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Morning Run”, Courtesy of Jenny Hill, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Cross”, Courtesy of Yannick Pulver, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Identifying Codependency in Friendships: Causes and Signs

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There’s a biblical proverb that says, “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24, NIV). Not all friendships are created equal; some friends are unreliable, while others share a bond stronger than even familial relationships. Your friendships could ruin you, but they can also be a necessary support for a rich and fulfilling life.

The result of all this is that friendships are great, but you need to exercise caution. There are some relationship dynamics, such as codependency, that you need to keep an eye on. These unhealthy dynamics not only affect your well-being, but they can also lead to poor choices that affect the course of your life. ‘Ruin’ may seem like a strong word, but unwise relationships can cause enormous amounts of damage.

What’s at the core of codependency?

The term ‘codependency’ is one that’s gained currency in the last decade or so. It describes a variety of unhealthy relationship behaviors that can be caused in several ways. However, at the heart of codependency is an underdeveloped or poor sense of self. If a person doesn’t develop a clear sense of who they are, their values, and their boundaries, they are more prone to developing codependent patterns of behavior in relationships with others.

Codependency and codependent behaviors involve a complicated mix of psychological, emotional, and relational dynamics that are at work in day-to-day interactions. Some of these include the desire to seek validation and approval externally from other people. Other dynamics include over-identifying and being enmeshed with others to the point where it’s hard to tell where they end, and you begin.

Codependency also includes a fear of rejection or abandonment, an inability to self-regulate one’s own emotions, poor emotional resilience, difficulty setting and maintaining good boundaries with others, and having low self-worth and self-esteem. In codependent relationships, there is a power imbalance and control issues, along with dysfunctional communication patterns like passive-aggressive behavior and criticism.

A codependent relationship is thus an unhealthy relationship. It doesn’t lend itself to one or both members flourishing. Often, the codependent dynamic serves to deepen unhealthy patterns of behavior that don’t shore up a healthy sense of self, nor does it promote a healthy self-sufficiency.

Some Underlying Causes of Codependency

There isn’t a single and straightforward path toward codependency. A person develops a poor sense of self and has difficulty maintaining healthy boundaries with others for a variety of reasons. The process of developing a healthy sense of self was often disrupted by experiences such as childhood trauma or experiences such as abandonment, or neglect. These can be in the form of a parent dying, parental divorce, or being literally abandoned.

Experiencing unhealthy family dynamics like parental substance abuse disorder or neglectful or inattentive parents can also lead to codependent behavior. In some cases, the child takes on the role of the parent to take care of themselves and their siblings in the place of the dysfunctional parent. The child learns to place themselves and their needs and wants after others.

Codependency can also develop as a result of an insecure attachment style. An attachment style is how you form and maintain relationships with others. An insecure attachment style may include a fear of abandonment. It leads to seeking reassurance of a loved one’s affections and also going above and beyond what’s healthy to keep a partner happy.

Depending on your situation, societal or cultural expectations can also play a role in nurturing codependency. If, for instance, there’s more of an emphasis on the collective – society, your local community, or the family – over the individual, that may lead to codependent behaviors. While it’s important to look out for others and love them well, it can be detrimental to do so without regard to personal well-being.

In addition to the above, personal values and beliefs can also lean into codependent dynamics. For instance, personal or religious beliefs could lead to an emphasis on self-sacrifice. If a person is a people pleaser who is unwilling or unable to say “no,” that too could lead to a situation of codependency.

Lastly, substance abuse or addiction, and dealing with mental health conditions such as anxiety or depression, may also lead to codependency, though via different routes. You may become overly reliant on others for day-to-day functioning due to these conditions. If you’re not intentional, those patterns may persist even after recovery. We all need help at one point or another, but it’s possible to lean into that pattern of need more than is necessary.

A person may thus form codependent patterns of relating to others when they’re young, but these patterns can also develop and set in later in life as well.

Signs of Codependency in Friendships

Being friends with someone means that you will help each other in a bind. Friends help each other, support one another in times of crisis, challenge unhealthy behaviors in each other, enjoy common interests together, and help one another become what the Lord intends for them to be. However, there are helpful and there are unhelpful and unhealthy ways to be present in someone’s life.

Some patterns of codependent behavior to look out for include:

  • It is difficult for you to say “no” to your friend or set limits to what you’re willing to do with and for them.
  • You perform enabling or rescuing behaviors toward your friend. Consistently swooping in to help your friend out of a jam of their own making.
  • In line with the inability to say “no,” you exhibit people-pleasing behavior and over-accommodate your friend.
  • Because of the inability to say “no,” you may lack the practice of self-care or prioritizing personal goals.
  • You feel overly responsible for your friend’s emotions or actions.
  • You feel emotionally or physically drained after interactions or time spent with your friend.
  • A fear of abandonment can result in the codependent tendency to tolerate abusive or toxic behavior from your friend, such as constant criticism, humiliation, being insulted, or being manipulated.
  • You have a fear of conflict or confrontation. This might look like faking agreement and not being willing to hold or express opinions or thoughts that are contrary to your friend.
  • You display passive-aggressive behavior toward your friend instead of telling them what you truly think and feel. Instead of being vulnerable, you express yourself and your feelings of anger in subtle, subversive ways. You may harbor feelings of resentment and anger toward your friend.

Codependent relationships can leave you feeling emotionally and physically burned out. They can also strain other relationships because of how all-consuming they can be. Not only do such relationships increase a person’s levels of anxiety or stress, but they also can increase the risk of depression. Codependency reinforces a loss of personal identity and autonomy.

Recovering from Codependent Patterns in a Friendship

A friendship, even a good friendship, can be overcome by codependent dynamics. If a friend is in trouble and you bail them out, that’s one thing. However, if you begin to fall into that pattern of relating to each other, a codependent dynamic can develop. A healthy friendship can become codependent in several ways, or it might commence between two people with codependent tendencies and patterns of behavior. Recovery, however, is possible.

Recovering from codependency is, among other things, about becoming more aware of the fact that your pattern of behavior with your friend is an unhealthy one. With introspection and spending time to be more self-aware, you could pinpoint how your relationship dynamic is unhealthy.

Apart from self-awareness, it’s important to put practices in place that will help you recover and develop a more secure sense of self. This includes taking steps such as boundary-setting and learning to be more assertive. It also means taking time out for self-care and prioritizing yourself, rebuilding your self-worth and self-esteem, and developing healthy communication skills so that you can express your thoughts and emotions well.

You can make use of support groups where you can share your concerns and learn from others. It may be necessary to take a break from your friendship so that you both can seek help. Both of you need to be willing to change things about yourself for the dynamics to change.

You and your friend can seek professional help to build resilience and other skills. Through individual counseling, you can build a healthy friendship. If you are ready for that step today, contact our office. We can set up an appointment to get you started with one of the therapists in our practice.

Photos:
“Proverbs”, Courtesy of Tim Wildsmith, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Friends”, Courtesy of Priscilla Du Preez, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “I Am Enough”, Courtesy of Valeriia Miller, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Counseling Teen”, Courtesy of Andrej Lišakov, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Overcoming Fear of Mortality and Finding Peace

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There are moments in life when we are reminded of the reality that the Lord speaks of in Genesis – “…dust you are, and to dust you will return” (Genesis 3:19, NIV). Life is precious and fragile, and having that awareness can help us appreciate it more, not only for ourselves but also for others. Carrying a genuine appreciation for life can help us not only be grateful for every breath but also see things from a better perspective.

Most things are good in moderation, but unhelpful when overdone. The awareness of how fragile life is can spill over into a fear of death, with different results for how a person approaches their daily activities and tasks. The fear of our mortality can be a challenging anxiety that can disrupt daily living and trap you in unfruitfulness. It is possible to overcome this fear and find peace.

Understanding the Fear of Mortality

It’s important to get this out of the way – you are going to die someday. That day is unknown to us, but the Lord, who knows the end from the beginning, knows every page written in our book (Psalm 139:16). The fact that you and I have an end can be an overwhelming reality, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s an occasion to trust in the goodness of God, who manages our times and our lives. It doesn’t have to overtake us like a looming shadow.

The fear of mortality is also known as ‘thanatophobia’, or the fear of death. This fear or anxiety is rooted in a keen awareness of the fact that life will inevitably end, and that awareness can range from subtle to a blaring and ever-present reality that intrudes into everyday life. It can linger in the quiet moments as you reflect on your day, or it can manifest as severe panic attacks or obsessive behaviors designed to help avoid thoughts of death.

The fear of mortality can become an overwhelming sense of dread that can disrupt a person’s ability to work, go to school, or have healthy relationships with others. It can lead to ongoing anxieties about one’s health or the health of loved ones, which can be stressful as well as challenging for others to cope with.

The Causes of Fear of Mortality

Why do people fear their mortality? There’s a real sense in which it’s good for us to be aware of our mortality. That primal instinct to stay alive can help you remain alert as you cross the street or drive home from work. In small doses, it’s helpful, but it can become debilitating if it’s given its head.

People fear their mortality for several reasons, including a fear of the unknown. Being uncertain of what happens after death is unsettling, and fear can creep in to fill the gaps in our knowledge, making the unknown a terrifying prospect. Additionally, because death is something that’s ultimately beyond our control, it challenges our need for safety and for predictable things. We fear death because it’s beyond our power to contain or control it.

We also develop a fear of mortality precisely because we have strong emotional ties to loved ones, and we fear being separated from them. When we face life and all it has to offer, reflecting on our lives, their purpose, and meaning, can also trigger a deep existential anxiety about our limitations amid the vastness of space and time.

The reasons that a person develops a fear of mortality include the following:

Personal experiences As a person ages, they become more aware that our life under the sun isn’t forever; it is impermanent. Experiencing the death or serious illness of a loved one or having a near-death encounter can all trigger fears about mortality and our limitations. Experiences of trauma, abuse, or neglect can also contribute to fears about mortality.

Societal and cultural factors Our culture is one that often keeps unpleasant topics like aging, sickness, and death at the back of our minds, and out of sight. While we’re inundated with violent or graphic content in our media and entertainment that almost glorifies death, serious reflections about it that are somber and reflective are often lacking. Our societal and cultural norms about death shape us, and they can lead to a deficient view of death that’s unhelpful.

Spiritual and other beliefs Just as our culture and society shape our beliefs about death, your spiritual beliefs also influence your fear of mortality. Fear of judgment, for instance, can make death feel frightening. Having questions about the meaning and aim of life can also leave a person feeling anxious about what it all means and where it’s all going. Having robust, gracious, and meaningful answers can be a counter to such fears.

Mental health A person’s overall mental health can contribute to fears about mortality. For instance, if you’re struggling with depression or anxiety, you’re more likely to fear your limitations and mortality than not. The fears can become magnified, even when they aren’t justified or rational.

These and other reasons and factors can interact with each other to produce a fear of mortality that manifests in different ways in people’s lives.

How Fear of Mortality Affects a Person

When a person is afraid of death, that fear can impact their life in various ways. While it can increase their appreciation of their lives and the lives of their loved ones and reprioritizing things, it can easily become something else. It can result in avoidance behaviors, for instance. This could include avoiding certain places or situations that arouse the fear, including talking about death, going to a funeral, or visiting a loved one in a hospital.

For others, it can result in being risk-averse. Some people take excessive caution, not wanting to risk that something might happen. Trying new things might also get taken off the menu, as that could be too risky. They might become preoccupied with health to address any and all issues, leading to constantly monitoring every health indicator and seeking medical attention for minor concerns.

The awareness of mortality can bring about an existential dread that can be difficult to push through to allow a person to function well in daily life. Having persistent thoughts and worries about death can be a heavy weight to bear, and all this can make forming and maintaining healthy relationships difficult. Being intimate and maintaining a strong emotional connection with loved ones can become harder, straining relationships.

Fear of mortality can be positive, helping you appreciate life and your loved ones. It can help you reevaluate your priorities for the better, helping you make changes to align your life with what matters most. However, as shown above, it can also affect your life in other negative ways, hindering your daily functioning.

Overcoming a Fear of Death

A fear of mortality can be highly disruptive to your life, preventing you from doing the business of living and enjoying all that the Lord has provided us with. The teacher in the book of Ecclesiastes says the following:

Remember him – before the silver cord is severed, and the golden bowl is broken;
before the pitcher is shattered at the spring, and the wheel broken at the well, and the dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it – Ecclesiastes 12:6-7, NIV

The phrase ‘Remembering the Lord’ is full of rich meaning, but it entails reflecting on who God is, the nature of the world He created, and the role we have in it. Death is an enemy, an intruder into God’s good creation, but Jesus defeated death on the cross, and He rose again to new life. That resurrection is a ‘first fruits’, a glimpse into what the future holds for all who believe in Him, and also for the creation (1 Corinthians 15, Romans 8).

Remembering the Lord can help us begin reframing our understanding of death, but also what life is about. Using a holistic approach that combines biblical and Christian resources along with professional therapeutic tools, it’s possible to address the fear of mortality. Some of these tools include:

Reassurance from Scripture Passages like 1 Corinthians 15, Romans 8, John 11-12, Revelation 21-22, Philippians 1:18-26, 1 Thessalonians 4, and 2 Corinthians 5 all help believers reframe their understanding of life and death. God is sovereign over death, and the resurrection of Jesus changes absolutely everything. There is hope, even when it all seems dark and lifeless.

Prayer The Lord invites us to pray, to cast our anxieties on Him, and to trust that He can give us the peace we need. Instead of worrying, pray, turning your worries into requests and asking Him for His peace, which transcends understanding (Philippians 4:6-7; John 16:33).

Seeking help Professional help can be beneficial for identifying the source of fear. Through techniques like exposure therapy, it’s possible to become desensitized to the fear, and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you to identify and reframe irrational thoughts about death. It’s possible to face your fear, living courageously and with deep peace. Reach out for help from a Christian counselor to find comfort and wisdom in dealing with your fear.

Photos:
“Sun Through Clouds”, Courtesy of Diego PH, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Hourglass”, Courtesy of Nathan Dumlao, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Stairs”, Courtesy of Joe Beck, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Cross”, Courtesy of Aaron Burden, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Helping a Loved One with Anger Problems

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Seeing someone you love struggling with something is one of the hardest things to go through. Not only do you feel helpless, but it can also feel painful, saddening, and anxiety-inducing to witness suffering. When your loved one is dealing with anger problems, it’s also likely that those struggles are spilling over onto other people, including you. They may hurt you, intentionally or otherwise.

When it comes to a loved one struggling with anger problems, you aren’t entirely helpless. While they are primarily responsible for handling their own emotions, you can play an important supportive role in their journey.

What are anger problems?

It should be said that feeling anger is not always the problem. Some people work hard not to feel angry, partly because of the negative associations that anger has for them, and perhaps because feeling angry doesn’t always feel good. Anger can be extremely damaging, for the person feeling it, and for the people who experience an outpouring of that anger. It’s no wonder many people are wary of anger.

However, it’s also true that our emotions serve a purpose, and that includes anger. It’s quite likely that you’ve experienced someone expressing their anger before, except that you probably missed it because it was a healthy expression of anger. A person can assert themselves and their feelings of anger in a calm and collected manner. These expressions of anger aren’t sensational, and they often go unnoticed.

Having anger problems doesn’t merely mean that you felt angry because of this or that thing. It can be okay to feel angry because anger helps to alert us when our boundaries have been violated, or when something or someone we care about is under threat. Having anger problems means struggling with unrighteous anger, to the point where that anger negatively affects you and the people around you.

Anger Problems in The Wild – Some Signs to Look Out for

Feeling angry isn’t enough to qualify you as having anger issues. There’s a need for something more than that. Some of the signs that a person has anger problems include the following:

Problematic anger Anger that is wrongly motivated, directed at the wrong object, disproportionate to its cause, out of control, prevents forgiveness, or fuels thoughts or intentions of revenge, is unrighteous anger. Unrighteous anger is a sin that must be repented of. If this kind of anger characterizes you, then you are showing signs and symptoms of an anger problem.

Broken relationships Anger can lead a person to say and do things that are damaging to others. If you shout at your children, curse your neighbor or spouse, or say things that hit at people’s vulnerabilities, one probable result is you’ll damage those relationships irreparably. Anger can short-circuit clear thinking, and you may regret the things you say when you’re feeling angry and not thinking clearly.

Legal problems In the same vein, being angry and expressing it by shouting, cursing, hitting, or acting out anger on people or their property leads to trouble. That trouble could be in the form of getting arrested for causing injury to others or property. If a person gets into legal trouble for things they did because of anger, that strongly points to anger problems.

Persistent presence Anger is one of those emotions that ought to come and go. That’s because if you’re feeling angry all the time, it can damage your health, and it points to an unhelpful frame of mind and the inability to deal well with provocations. If you feel angry a lot, or if little things make you angry, and if anger is one of the emotions you commonly experience, you have symptoms of anger problems.

Being afraid of your anger Feelings of anger shouldn’t be something you’re afraid of. However, a person who finds themselves afraid of what they’ll do when they are angry shows signs of anger issues.

Poor expression Anger, like our other emotions, is meant to be expressed (when expressed) in a healthy way. Some of the poor expressions of anger have already been detailed, but another sign of anger issues is turning anger inward or expressing it passively. Passive expressions of anger could include sulking, being sarcastic, procrastinating, stonewalling, and being non-communicative.

These are some of the signs of anger problems that are easier to pick out. Other signs might not be so easy for you to pick out in another person. For example, anger can often result in physical symptoms such as tense muscles, increased heart rate, and headaches. These may be harder to identify in another person, but they have an impact on the person who’s feeling angry.

How a Loved One’s Anger Affects Them, and You

Many things are highly personal but not private, and anger is one of them. When a person gets angry at another person, that will affect how they respond to them, as well as their attitude toward them. Jesus picks up on this in the Sermon on the Mount, highlighting how destructive anger can be because it can lead you to denigrate someone made in God’s image (Matthew 5:21-26).

Your loved one’s anger affects them, but that anger doesn’t stay contained; it also affects you, in subtle as well as other ways. To begin with, anger affects your loved one’s health and well-being. The strain that anger puts on the human body can be problematic if a person is chronically angry. Anger can increase stress levels, the risk of heart disease, and the risk of conditions like diabetes, etc.

When a loved one can’t control their anger, it often results in them lashing out. When you break relationships with others, it can lead to increased isolation. If you have an anger outburst at work, you could damage relationships with clients and colleagues, leading to getting fired. Loss of income and diminishing job prospects due to anger can lead to financial problems that are hard to get out of.

The same goes for the legal problems that could result from anger problems. Damaging property or hurting another person could result in a fine, community service, and being ordered to go for anger management classes. If it’s severe enough, you could end up seriously hurting or even killing someone, which would mean serious jail time at a minimum. A person can alter the entire trajectory of their life because of one decision made in anger.

One of the ways your loved one’s anger affects you is that you might be in a position to see its detrimental effects on them. Seeing your loved one’s health fail, relationships flounder, and work opportunities dwindle because of anger problems can be heartbreaking.

Another way that your loved one’s anger may harm you is when it is directed at you. Being verbally or physically abused can cause untold damage to a person, including affecting your sense of safety, undermining your self-esteem, and increasing your risk of anxiety and depression, to name a few. Being in a relationship with them feels uncomfortable, and it can feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells around them.

How to Help a Loved One with Anger Problems

When your loved one has anger problems, one of the important things to remember is that you aren’t responsible for their emotions. A person is responsible for how they feel and how they act on those feelings. It can be tempting to take responsibility when you shouldn’t, which places an unnecessary burden on you while ignoring your loved one’s responsibility for their actions, and hindering their ability to manage their own emotions.

In the main, the role you can play in your loved one’s life is as a support. You can help them by gently and lovingly pointing out the problem to them. You can encourage them to talk about what’s going on and allow them to communicate their angry feelings. This should be done within limits; for instance, they can share how they feel, but that doesn’t mean they can shout at you and be abusive.

Another thing that you can do is to model what healthy communication looks like. By setting an example and having clear boundaries, you can show, and not just tell, your loved one what it looks like to express anger in a healthy manner. Setting boundaries and looking after your well-being is not only a good example but it’s needed whenever you’re trying to care for someone. You need room to rest and recuperate.

Lastly, you can encourage them to get help. This is a decision that they must make, but you can motivate them by explaining why it’s a good decision.

If they do reach out to an anger management therapist for help, there are other ways to provide support, including helping them with the exercises their therapist gives them and encouraging them to attend sessions consistently. With help from a professional, your loved one can learn to bring their anger under control.

Photos:
“Disagreement”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Fight”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Stressed”, Courtesy of Matteo Vistocco, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “A Shoulder to Lean On”, Courtesy of Toimetaja Tolkeburoo, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

10 Tips for Preventing an Anger Outburst

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An anger outburst is an intense and sudden expression of anger. A variety of factors can cause anger outbursts, including frustration, perceived wrongs, and stress. Anger itself is a natural and normal emotion. However, excessive anger can damage you and others. It’s essential to learn how to manage anger in effective and healthy ways.

How Anger Damages Relationships

Anger affects relationships in negative ways. When anger is not managed carefully and wisely. It can wreak havoc in relationships. Problems can include communication breakdown, resentment, and ongoing conflicts.

Communication takes a hit when there are frequent angry outbursts. Angry people often speak in aggressive or hostile ways. This can make other people feel threatened or verbally attacked. Results may include defensiveness, shutting down, or stonewalling. This cycle can cause communication breakdowns, which make conflict resolution nearly impossible.

Anger outbursts cause conflicts in relationships. Arguments and fights that include anger outbursts damage relationships. Over time, repeated conflicts cause hurt feelings, broken trust, and resentment, which can take a lot of effort and time to repair.

Bitterness and resentment are other ways that anger outbursts affect relationships. Anger that is not managed well can lead to buried feelings, including resentment and bitterness. These negative attributes work like poison to ruin a relationship over time. Once bitterness and resentment set in in our relationship, it can make it difficult to return to a positive and healthy point.

Learning to manage anger effectively will prevent anger outbursts and improve relationships. A qualified Christian counselor can help you rebuild and maintain positive and healthy connections with family members, friends, and other important people in your life.

How to Prevent an Anger Outburst

The good news is that you can learn to prevent an anger outburst. By working with a counselor, you can practice techniques so that you’ll be prepared the next time anger starts rising.

A good way to prevent an anger outburst is to practice relaxation techniques every day. Deep breathing is an excellent practice in the heat of the moment. You can also try progressive muscle relaxation and meditating on God’s word. If you get in a rhythm of practicing these techniques every day, you can calm your body and mind and be more prepared when you are triggered.

Managing triggers is an important part of preventing an anger outburst. An anger trigger is a thought, situation, or event that leads to an outburst. When you are more aware of the things that trigger you, you can practice self-control in a heated moment rather than reacting with an anger outburst. A counselor can help you identify your triggers so you are better prepared and more self-aware.

Learning to communicate effectively when you’re angry is an important way to prevent an anger outburst from occurring. You may have suffered negative consequences for lashing out, hurling insults, or demonstrating aggressive behavior in past instances.

With a counselor’s help, you can learn to express your anger in assertive yet calm and self-controlled ways. Your counselor can role-play with you to help you use certain statements like “I feel angry when you do that” instead of blaming, criticizing, or attacking someone else.

By putting these strategies into regular practice, you can learn to manage your anger and reduce the chance that an anger outburst will occur.

Ways to Avoid an Anger Outburst

There are many things you can do on your own to learn how to manage anger and reduce the chance of an anger outburst. Here are ten tips for managing anger.

Meditate daily

By choosing a verse of God’s word upon which you can meditate every day, you will be better prepared in the moment when an anger trigger strikes. Choose verses that talk about anger or self-control and think about them carefully, repeating them over and over.

Displaying them in conspicuous places can help you memorize these verses so you have them ready when you feel triggered. In the heat of a moment, you can repeat the verse back to yourself and invite God into your situation. He will help you practice self-control rather than reacting with an anger outburst.

Identify the causes of your anger

Often, people who struggle with anger outbursts have deep, underlying issues fueling their anger. You can meet with a counselor to identify the causes of your anger. Your counselor can help you develop strategies to overcome underlying issues so they aren’t weighing you down anymore.

Recognize and manage triggers

There could be many reasons your anger is triggered. It’s helpful to think about the thoughts, situations, or events that have triggered your anger in the past. If you talk about this with your counselor, you will be better equipped to handle your anger the next time you are triggered.

Communicate effectively

When you are caught up in an angry outburst, it’s likely that you aren’t communicating your feelings in an effective way. You may say things that you don’t mean yet still cause hurt feelings for the other people in your life. By working with the counselor, you can learn new ways of communicating effectively when you are angry without lashing out at other people.

Take a break

Taking a break when you’re angry is a great way to recenter yourself and calm down. Simply let the other person know you’re stepping away for a moment. Take a short walk and count to ten, and practice some deep breathing so you can come back into the moment with a greater sense of self-control.

Use humor

When the time is right, humor can be effective in reducing anger. Learn to laugh at yourself and not take everything so seriously. Look for humor even in difficult situations, and you might not be triggered as often as you have been in the past.

Get physical

Because anger releases stress hormones in our bodies, we need physical activity to metabolize those hormones. So, physical activity when you are angry can help you blow off steam and feel much better. A brisk walk or jog can help, as well as shooting baskets or hitting baseballs, or golf balls. Just fifteen minutes of physical activity when you are angry can help you metabolize those stress hormones.

Practice mindfulness

When you practice mindfulness, you pay attention to your thoughts and feelings without judging yourself. You also use your senses to be present in the moment. Practicing mindfulness increases self-awareness, so you are more in tune with your feelings. This can give you clarity and perspective that can reduce the chances of an anger outburst.

Be patient with yourself

Learning to manage your anger is a process. It can take weeks or months to see significant improvements. Rather than becoming discouraged, learn to be patient with yourself and show yourself compassion as you learn to manage your anger. Meeting regularly with a qualified counselor during this process can help it go more smoothly.

Seek professional help

If your anger has taken a serious toll on your personal or professional relationships, you need to seek professional help. A mental health professional, such as a Christian counselor, can provide the guidance and support you need in developing a strategy for managing anger and preventing anger outbursts.

Ongoing Anger Management Therapy in California

As stated before, learning to manage your anger is a process. The process will be easier for you if you have support all along the way. A caring Christian counselor in California can meet with you regularly, not just to identify underlying issues and triggers, but also to role-play situations in which you would normally get angry. By practicing with your counselor, you will be better prepared to handle your triggers, and this can greatly improve your relationships over time.

Don’t hesitate to reach out to a qualified counselor to get practical and spiritual help in preventing an anger outburst. Contact us today to schedule an appointment.

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Dealing with Codependency in Friendships

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The book of Proverbs, which is one of the wisdom books in the Bible, has this to say about friendship:

One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother – Proverbs 18:24, NIV

This book, and the rest of the Bible, has a lot more to say about friends and friendship, but there’s a sense in which this verse is a great summary of it all. Some friends will lead to ruin, and “ruin” may look like several different things, but there are other friends who are not only so reliable that they can be counted on more than your own relatives, but they also cause you to prosper.

There’s a lot that’s been written about friendship. One of the best reflections on friendship was produced by C. S. Lewis, and in The Four Loves, he has these two gems: “Friendship …is born at the moment when one man says to another ‘What! You too? I thought that no one but myself…’”. He also wrote: “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”

It is possible to survive without friendships, but surely our lives are poorer for it. Friendships, as Lewis put it, give value to survival. They provide us with human connection, joy, and support. There are different kinds of friendships, differing in proximity and depth, but they also differ in how healthy they are. Some friendships are afflicted with unhealthy patterns such as codependency.

Friendships and Codependent Behavior

Codependency is an unhealthy dynamic that can attach itself to different kinds of relationships. This includes the parent-child relationship, romantic relationships, between siblings, coworkers, and friendships. Codependency involves a pattern of relying excessively on another person; this reliance can be both psychological and emotional, and it goes beyond the healthy interdependence that relationships ought to have.

The idea of codependency is typically associated with addiction. In that context, codependency describes the ways the partner or family members relate to their loved one who’s struggling with substance abuse. The partner or family members are overly involved in their loved one’s life, performing a rescuing function. The dynamic is skewed and unhealthy.

Codependency can also be used as a term to describe friendships and other relationships, especially where there is a significant imbalance of power and responsibility in the relationship. In a given relationship, the codependent dynamic is often rooted in early life experiences, like when a person grows up in a dysfunctional family and their needs are ignored or left unmet. These dynamics can be carried forward into other relationships.

In a friendship, two people may meet, and in one or both of their lives, they may have learned to put the needs of others above their own. There may also be a pattern of seeking acceptance from others and finding validation in how others perceive them. What this often translates into is a friend who has an unhealthy habit of self-sacrifice and neglecting their own well-being.

Identifying Codependency in Friendships

What’s the difference between codependency in friendships, and friendships where there is a healthy self-regard? A good friend is willing to sacrifice themselves on your behalf. After all, Jesus, who wants to call us a friend, died for us, the righteous one dying for ungodly people (Romans 5:6-8). However, unlike Jesus, a codependent friend is unable to say “no”, even when it’s detrimental to their own well-being. In other words, they don’t have healthy boundaries.

The lack of boundaries is one of the main things that can help you identify a codependent dynamic in a relationship. To address codependence in your friendship, you need to be able to identify it, whether you’re the codependent one, or the one who’s benefitting from this dynamic. Some of the signs to look out for include the following:

A lack of boundaries With codependency in friendships, personal boundaries are often blurred or non-existent. These boundaries include having your own opinions, demarcating things that you don’t want to get involved in or do, and being able to say “no” when something goes against your values.

Where there is a lack of boundaries, you can wind up feeling trapped in the relationship, unable to express your own needs or desires.

Excessive caretaking If you are a codependent friend, you’ll often assume the role of a caretaker over your friend. You may feel responsible for the other person’s happiness and well-being. To accomplish this happiness, you may put your friend’s needs above your own, even when it becomes detrimental to your well-being.

For instance, you may loan your friend money when you need it to pay your mortgage or car loan, putting your own credit and living situation in danger.

Resentment and controlling behavior Excessive caretaking can be a sign of codependency, and with that, there is also often resentment that takes root. When you don’t take care of your own needs, you wear yourself thin. The codependent person may be resentful toward the other person, and because they feel responsible for them, they often become controlling.

Fear of abandonment A person with codependent tendencies will often have an intense fear of being abandoned by others. This may be the result of past experiences. Having such a fear can lead to clingy behavior. They may go to great lengths to keep the friendship, even when it becomes decidedly toxic or unhealthy.

Need for approval Codependency will often leave a person with a strong need for approval and validation from others. A codependent person will often have an underdeveloped sense of self, and they feel important or valuable only insofar as other people around them accord them that value. They are often overly concerned with pleasing others and may feel worthless without their friend’s affirmation.

This is one of the reasons why a codependent person will stay in an unhealthy relationship, or why they will struggle to say “no” or to give valid criticism about their friend’s behavior – it may mean that their friend won’t give them the approval they crave, so it’s easier to just go with the flow.

Difficulty in decision-making Another sign of a codependent relationship is that a codependent individual might struggle to make decisions independently and rely heavily on their friend’s opinions and guidance.

Dealing with Codependency in Friendships

When it comes to dealing with codependency in a friendship, there are various strategies you can deploy to handle the situation. If you’re codependent, you don’t have to wait for your friends or loved ones to agree with you before you start making changes in your life. You can commit yourself and begin to consciously put in the hard work necessary to change things.

Some things you can do include the following:

Nurturing self-awareness You can begin by nurturing self-awareness about the patterns in your relationships. Pause and reflect on your behavior and motives in the friendship, especially around any self-sacrificial behavior.

Build your self-esteem You can work on building your self-esteem and self-worth from within. Take time to engage in activities that make you feel happy, competent, and confident. Remind yourself what Scripture says about you and why you’re valuable in the Lord’s eyes.

Set healthy boundaries It’s important that you set and communicate clear boundaries with others. Boundaries help to create a balanced relationship where you both feel respected and valued. Know that it’s okay for you to say “no” and to prioritize your own needs. It takes time, but nurture the understanding that taking care of yourself isn’t selfish but necessary for healthy relationships.

Foster independence One way to begin reversing codependency is to encourage yourself to make decisions independently. You can have your own opinions and interests, entirely separate from the things your friend is interested in.

Talk with your friend You should have open and honest communication with your friend, discussing your feelings and concerns about the dynamics of the relationship. You can both, in your own way, work together toward a healthier, more balanced relationship.

Let go In some instances, you need to let go of relationships. If your friend doesn’t want to honor your boundaries and right to say “no”, and if that friendship is causing more harm than good, then it might be time to reconsider its place in your life.

Seek professional help You don’t have to figure out how to do all this by yourself. You can make use of therapy or counseling to overcome codependency. Your counselor can walk with you to unpack and explore the underlying causes of your codependent behavior, and they can also provide you with effective strategies to develop a more secure sense of self and healthier relationships that are built on mutual respect. Contact our office today to learn more.

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