Embracing the Joys and Challenges of Being Adoptive Parents

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Children are a gift from the Lord, and they come into our lives in various ways. Being a parent may be a difficult and beautiful calling and task, but few things in life feel as meaningful. You may have become a parent via adoption or by birth, but your child is your child, and they are a part of your family and your life.

Adoption is a beautiful way of welcoming a child into your family, but like most things in life, becoming adoptive parents has its joys and challenges.

The Joys of Welcoming a Child Into Your Family

Adding a child into your life, whether biological or adoptive, can bring many unknowns. But at its core, it is the joyful process of adding another member to the family. Watching a child grow and learn is unlike any other experience.

Some of the joys of being adoptive parents include:

Providing a safe and loving home The child you’re adopting can come from any number of circumstances and family history. Every child deserves the love of a family. One of the joys of being an adoptive parent is in providing a welcoming, lifelong home to a child. Being able to provide a safe household with loving parents is a huge blessing that the child is being made part of.

Being able to raise a child Your own story leading into adoption is unique, but families that choose to adopt often do so because of challenges such as infertility. This can bring grief. Adopting a child allows a family to realize their dream of raising a child.

Experiencing new cultures and traditions An international or cross-cultural adoption may be what best fits your family and situation. This provides unique responsibilities, including learning about your child’s birth culture and identity so that you can answer your child’s questions, and also so that you can walk with them if and when they decide to explore it further.

Becoming a multicultural or interracial family means that the whole family must adjust, learn, and grow to make the family a truly welcoming space for everyone, just as it would with another child.

Challenges of Being Adoptive Parents

Though there are significant joys to being an adoptive parent, there are some challenges to be mindful of as well. Some of these include:

The adoption process itself One of the first challenges an adoptive parent needs to reckon with is the process of adoption itself. The process can be complicated, expensive, and take a long time to bring to completion whether you’re doing it domestically or internationally.

If you’ve adopted a child through foster care, you may have had a difficult journey with the child’s biological family as well. It’s important to maintain a relationship when possible but that can be difficult for both your family and your child.

Grief and loss For the child who’s being adopted, leaving their foster parents or caregivers behind, and moving to a new city or country can cause grief. That grief may manifest as sadness, but also as tantrums, angry outbursts, or other forms of maladaptive behavior. In addition to the child’s grief, you may deal with secondary trauma based on your journey as an adoptive parent.

People’s unhelpful or inappropriate questions When your adoptive child doesn’t look like you or your partner, your family may be exposed to questions that run the gamut from well-intentioned, to malicious, and from mildly inappropriate and uncomfortable to way over the line.

In these and other situations where you are exposed to people’s unhelpful curiosity, you and your child don’t need to respond to every question. It’s important to talk with your child before these comments come up about how they would like you to respond or how you can respond together as a family.

Building secure attachments Your adoptive child has experienced at least one disruption to their attachment, and they may have been in a situation where their needs were not consistently met. All this can lead to having an insecure attachment. By being consistent and predictable, adoptive parents can help their children develop healthier attachments to them and others.

Recognizing your adoptive child’s birth family and culture The fact that your child was born to other parents can be a source of insecurity and anger in your family. Your child’s curiosity about where they come from may feel uncomfortable for you, but it’s important to respect that curiosity and share the information you have in an age-appropriate way.

It also helps for you to be curious about, as well as provide opportunities for the child to experience, their birth culture and identity. One strategy that may be helpful is to have regular check-ins with your child about their thoughts and questions related to their birth family. In these conversations, work on creating a safe environment for your child to express themselves without fear of judgment around their questions and thoughts.

Feeling alienation An adoptive child may feel like they aren’t truly part of the family, and these feelings may be heightened if there is a history of abandonment and neglect in their background. It can also be a challenge to knit together your biological and adoptive children into a cohesive whole, especially if your adoptive child enters the family when your biological children are a little older or the birth order is disrupted in some way.

These challenges in no way suggest that being an adoptive parent is necessarily more difficult than being a biological parent. Each child is different, and their unique set of needs also differs. Parenting requires creativity, perseverance, and boldness. It stretches you beyond your capacities sometimes, but in our parenting as in anything else, we can rely on God’s joy, grace, and strength to help us.

One of the gifts a parent can pass on to their child is the gift of the gospel. The Lord places children in our care so that we can nurture them and mold their character. A person’s personality is shaped by their DNA, but their character and whether they are people of virtue is determined by nurture. The child in your care, whether they are there by adoption or by birth, has the opportunity to know the Lord Jesus through you and how you nurture them.

Embracing All of Life As Adoptive Parents

Journeys in life aren’t meant to be taken alone. Parenting is rewarding but can be exceptionally hard. The journey to becoming an adoptive parent can be difficult, and part of how you can embrace that difficulty is to embrace others who are making or have made the same journey. Adoption communities are a great source of support for adoptive parents, and they can share their experiences and wisdom.

It’s also important that you understand that just as any other family faces its challenges as it goes through various transitions, your family is also undergoing challenges. Some parents experience struggles with adapting to their new role as parents and might question their ability to raise this new child in their lives.

These are real challenges even for biological parents, and they can be addressed in part by adjusting one’s expectations, settling into the role, and deepening the bond with the child by spending consistent time with them. Parenting classes can also help address concerns and provide tools for new parents.

It also helps to remember that you can’t always control how other people react or respond to you and your child. People can make hurtful or insulting remarks without knowing it. If you know that questions will come, it helps to be prepared to face these types of comments and questions, and you can also help your child prepare to answer them as well. Doing so can make a huge difference in the ability to deal with the situation and take things in stride.

Through open communication with your child, and by being supportive, consistent, present, and curious, you can set your family up for success. Having consistent routines, building new family traditions, and embracing and retelling your story as a complex family can all help you appreciate the family the Lord has given you.

Raising a child requires humility; it can be difficult to come to your wits’ end and say, “I just don’t know”. Coming to the end of your knowledge doesn’t mean that you’re not a good parent. It simply means you’re a human being who has an area to grow and develop in. It’s important when we reach those points to be willing to seek help. I mentioned adoptive communities earlier; these are great spaces to find help and support on your parenting journey.

Christian Counseling for Adoptive Parents in Newport Beach, California

You can also seek help in the form of Christian family counseling in Newport Beach, California. A Christian family counselor in Newport Beach can help your child and family if there are issues such as adjusting to the new situation or overcoming abandonment and neglect issues.

Your counselor can help you devise effective strategies to nurture your child and cultivate a healthy home environment that allows your whole family to thrive. Contact us today at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to schedule an appointment.

Photos:
“Mother and Child”, Courtesy of Zach Lucero, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; Reading a Book”, Courtesy of olia danilevich, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Family Walking”, Courtesy of Vidal Balielo Jr., Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Three Pairs of Shoes”, Courtesy of Lisa Fotios, Pexels.com, CC0 License

 

What is High-Functioning Autism?

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Autism is a neurological/developmental spectrum disorder that can include many different symptoms and a broad range of severity from mild to severe. High-functioning autism, formerly referred to as Asperger’s syndrome, is an informal term that refers to autistic people who have mild symptoms, low support needs, can handle basic life skills, and can live independently. It is not an official medical term or diagnosis.

Symptoms of High-Functioning Autism

People with high-functioning autism typically have good verbal skills, an average or above average IQ, and excel in certain areas of specific interest, as well as specialized fields such as technology or the arts.

Nevertheless, they too share several identifying traits with individuals on other levels of the autism spectrum, such as a lack of social skills, struggles with sensory processing, and significant challenges in areas such as interacting and communicating with others, which can negatively impact their confidence and self-esteem.

Although people with high-functioning autism may understand the rules of grammar and have a good vocabulary, for instance, they have difficulty discerning other people’s feelings and reactions; take things literally and have trouble understanding figurative speech, jokes, or sarcasm; are unable to recognize social cues or interpret facial expressions or body language; and have difficulty initiating or maintaining conversations.

They tend to avoid eye contact or small talk, be unaware of personal space, can get so stressed by social situations that they shut down, and have trouble making or maintaining friendships.

People with high-functioning autism may also be very rigid when it comes to routines and orderliness, have restricted interests, engage in repetitive patterns of behavior such as hand flapping; and be hypersensitive to sensory stimuli such as bright lights, strong smells, or loud noises, which can make outings difficult and lead to emotional meltdowns.

High-functioning autism may be hard to spot because by the time these individuals reach adulthood, many have developed ways to cope, compensate, and mask their symptoms, and they may not realize they are autistic or that what they are doing is anything other than normal.

Managing Symptoms of High-Functioning Autism

With the right support and accommodations, people with high-functioning autism can live fulfilling and productive lives. Two common evidence-based interventions that are highly beneficial are social skills training and applied behavioral analysis.

Social skills training (SST)The goal of social skills training is to help you understand social interactions, learn how to effectively engage with others, and equip you to navigate social situations smoothly. The focus is on developing skills such as active listening, understanding non-verbal clues, and expressing yourself clearly and appropriately.

Applied behavioral analysis (ABA) Applied behavioral analysis is a therapeutic approach that uses positive reinforcement to help you replace challenging behaviors with more positive, appropriate ones. The focus is on teaching social skills in a systematic way that breaks them down into smaller components, and on equipping you with coping techniques for dealing with sensory overload.

Vocational therapy, though not specifically a therapeutic intervention, can help you address workplace-related challenges such as hypersensitivity to noise that makes it hard for you to work in a traditional setting. It can also help you find a job that aligns with your interests and strengths in an accommodating workplace where you can achieve your fullest potential and enjoy a successful, rewarding career.

Finding a Christian therapist in Newport Beach

If you would like to learn some of these therapies to help you or a loved one with high-functioning autism, contact our office today at Newport Beach Christian Counseling in California. Our reception team would be happy to schedule your first assessment with one of the Christian therapists in Newport Beach.

References:
Kim Barloso. “What is High Functioning Autism?” Autism Parenting Magazine. December 9, 2024. autismparentingmagazine.com/high-functioning-autism-other-types-of-autism/.

Photo:
“Sea Cliff”, Courtesy of Mario Vassiliades, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

10 Tips for Preventing an Anger Outburst

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An anger outburst is an intense and sudden expression of anger. A variety of factors can cause anger outbursts, including frustration, perceived wrongs, and stress. Anger itself is a natural and normal emotion. However, excessive anger can damage you and others. It’s essential to learn how to manage anger in effective and healthy ways.

How Anger Damages Relationships

Anger affects relationships in negative ways. When anger is not managed carefully and wisely. It can wreak havoc in relationships. Problems can include communication breakdown, resentment, and ongoing conflicts.

Communication takes a hit when there are frequent angry outbursts. Angry people often speak in aggressive or hostile ways. This can make other people feel threatened or verbally attacked. Results may include defensiveness, shutting down, or stonewalling. This cycle can cause communication breakdowns, which make conflict resolution nearly impossible.

Anger outbursts cause conflicts in relationships. Arguments and fights that include anger outbursts damage relationships. Over time, repeated conflicts cause hurt feelings, broken trust, and resentment, which can take a lot of effort and time to repair.

Bitterness and resentment are other ways that anger outbursts affect relationships. Anger that is not managed well can lead to buried feelings, including resentment and bitterness. These negative attributes work like poison to ruin a relationship over time. Once bitterness and resentment set in in our relationship, it can make it difficult to return to a positive and healthy point.

Learning to manage anger effectively will prevent anger outbursts and improve relationships. A qualified Christian counselor can help you rebuild and maintain positive and healthy connections with family members, friends, and other important people in your life.

How to Prevent an Anger Outburst

The good news is that you can learn to prevent an anger outburst. By working with a counselor, you can practice techniques so that you’ll be prepared the next time anger starts rising.

A good way to prevent an anger outburst is to practice relaxation techniques every day. Deep breathing is an excellent practice in the heat of the moment. You can also try progressive muscle relaxation and meditating on God’s word. If you get in a rhythm of practicing these techniques every day, you can calm your body and mind and be more prepared when you are triggered.

Managing triggers is an important part of preventing an anger outburst. An anger trigger is a thought, situation, or event that leads to an outburst. When you are more aware of the things that trigger you, you can practice self-control in a heated moment rather than reacting with an anger outburst. A counselor can help you identify your triggers so you are better prepared and more self-aware.

Learning to communicate effectively when you’re angry is an important way to prevent an anger outburst from occurring. You may have suffered negative consequences for lashing out, hurling insults, or demonstrating aggressive behavior in past instances.

With a counselor’s help, you can learn to express your anger in assertive yet calm and self-controlled ways. Your counselor can role-play with you to help you use certain statements like “I feel angry when you do that” instead of blaming, criticizing, or attacking someone else.

By putting these strategies into regular practice, you can learn to manage your anger and reduce the chance that an anger outburst will occur.

Ways to Avoid an Anger Outburst

There are many things you can do on your own to learn how to manage anger and reduce the chance of an anger outburst. Here are ten tips for managing anger.

Meditate daily

By choosing a verse of God’s word upon which you can meditate every day, you will be better prepared in the moment when an anger trigger strikes. Choose verses that talk about anger or self-control and think about them carefully, repeating them over and over.

Displaying them in conspicuous places can help you memorize these verses so you have them ready when you feel triggered. In the heat of a moment, you can repeat the verse back to yourself and invite God into your situation. He will help you practice self-control rather than reacting with an anger outburst.

Identify the causes of your anger

Often, people who struggle with anger outbursts have deep, underlying issues fueling their anger. You can meet with a counselor to identify the causes of your anger. Your counselor can help you develop strategies to overcome underlying issues so they aren’t weighing you down anymore.

Recognize and manage triggers

There could be many reasons your anger is triggered. It’s helpful to think about the thoughts, situations, or events that have triggered your anger in the past. If you talk about this with your counselor, you will be better equipped to handle your anger the next time you are triggered.

Communicate effectively

When you are caught up in an angry outburst, it’s likely that you aren’t communicating your feelings in an effective way. You may say things that you don’t mean yet still cause hurt feelings for the other people in your life. By working with the counselor, you can learn new ways of communicating effectively when you are angry without lashing out at other people.

Take a break

Taking a break when you’re angry is a great way to recenter yourself and calm down. Simply let the other person know you’re stepping away for a moment. Take a short walk and count to ten, and practice some deep breathing so you can come back into the moment with a greater sense of self-control.

Use humor

When the time is right, humor can be effective in reducing anger. Learn to laugh at yourself and not take everything so seriously. Look for humor even in difficult situations, and you might not be triggered as often as you have been in the past.

Get physical

Because anger releases stress hormones in our bodies, we need physical activity to metabolize those hormones. So, physical activity when you are angry can help you blow off steam and feel much better. A brisk walk or jog can help, as well as shooting baskets or hitting baseballs, or golf balls. Just fifteen minutes of physical activity when you are angry can help you metabolize those stress hormones.

Practice mindfulness

When you practice mindfulness, you pay attention to your thoughts and feelings without judging yourself. You also use your senses to be present in the moment. Practicing mindfulness increases self-awareness, so you are more in tune with your feelings. This can give you clarity and perspective that can reduce the chances of an anger outburst.

Be patient with yourself

Learning to manage your anger is a process. It can take weeks or months to see significant improvements. Rather than becoming discouraged, learn to be patient with yourself and show yourself compassion as you learn to manage your anger. Meeting regularly with a qualified counselor during this process can help it go more smoothly.

Seek professional help

If your anger has taken a serious toll on your personal or professional relationships, you need to seek professional help. A mental health professional, such as a Christian counselor, can provide the guidance and support you need in developing a strategy for managing anger and preventing anger outbursts.

Ongoing Anger Management Therapy in California

As stated before, learning to manage your anger is a process. The process will be easier for you if you have support all along the way. A caring Christian counselor in California can meet with you regularly, not just to identify underlying issues and triggers, but also to role-play situations in which you would normally get angry. By practicing with your counselor, you will be better prepared to handle your triggers, and this can greatly improve your relationships over time.

Don’t hesitate to reach out to a qualified counselor to get practical and spiritual help in preventing an anger outburst. Contact us today to schedule an appointment.

Photos:
“Not. Happy. Bob.”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Stressed”, Courtesy of Simran Sood, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Sitting on the Beach”, Courtesy of Pan Xiaozhen, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Prayer”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License

Emotional Infidelity Uncovered: What Exactly is It, Why It Happens, and Steps to Repair Your Relationship

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Emotional infidelity is a relationship issue that is unfortunately becoming more and more common. The constant and convenient accessibility to others (whether people, chat rooms, social media accounts, or AI) makes it easy for partners to satisfy their unmet relationship needs online, sometimes even while lying in bed next to their partner.

Given the reality of our current society, monogamy can feel under attack now more than ever. It can feel like it’s harder to stay completely faithful in a marriage. But if your relationship has been betrayed by emotional infidelity, it is certainly possible for it to recover and prosper after emotional infidelity.

In this article, I will provide more clarity on defining emotional infidelity, why it occurs, and steps on how to recover your relationship. For the sake of reading ease, this article will use the terms relationship, couple, and marriage interchangeably.

Who I Am

Before proceeding, I would like to give you, the reader, a little context about me. My name is Kristy De Leon, and I am a doctorate-level licensed marriage and family therapist with a certification in sex and couples therapy. I have over twenty years of experience in the mental health field and have been with my husband for twenty-two years in total, of which we have been married for seventeen.

We have two neurodivergent sons in addition to my husband being a career fireman. All that to say, he and I have been through some real challenges. There have been dark moments in which I (and I’m sure he too) was unsure of whether our marriage would survive- yet through the grace of God and the commitment to our marital covenant, here we are still married and in love.

The commitment to the marital covenant is an important topic that will be revisited as part of the solution. I felt my background was important to share with you because if you are reading this article, you are most likely in a challenging season of your relationship.

Knowing that the writer has been through difficult seasons in her own relationship can hopefully help you feel seen along with learning realistic steps toward marital recovery. There is nothing worse than reading an article in hopes of finding comfort and solutions to only be left feeling the same or worse because the author only gave textbook unrealistic suggestions.

What is emotional infidelity?

So let’s dive in and define emotional infidelity. It is the act of a person going outside of their committed relationship to meet their emotional needs. Examples can range from engaging in flirtatious activities (whether texts, social messaging, or in-person gestures) to having deep conversations with someone other than their partner. Think of it as sharing emotional sides of oneself that truly should only be shared with one’s partner.

This means that emotional infidelity can be defined differently per person and relationship: what one couple would define as emotional infidelity, another couple would not. What is important to note here is that emotional infidelity does not have a one-size-fits-all definition, unlike sexual infidelity.

For some couples, liking or following social media accounts that have provocative images would be defined as emotional infidelity. For another couple, becoming close to a co-worker by sharing worries, dreams, or inside jokes would be seen as emotional infidelity. Regardless of the behavior being seen as “innocent,” if it pulls a person away from their partner and more importantly if the partner feels betrayed then it is emotional infidelity.

Reasons for Emotional Infidelity

Why does emotional infidelity occur? Similar to the definition, the reasons why it occurs vary from person to person and from couple to couple. Despite the reason, the common denominator is that there are emotional needs that are going unmet. Even though there have been multiple conversations and fights about the needs, they continue to go unmet.

Or worse, there is a complete lack of communication, and these needs continue to go unseen. Communication challenges are an issue that many couples face. Communicating one’s needs can be difficult. It’s risky, vulnerable, and opens the door to possible rejection and ridicule.

The reality is that most people have a hard time communicating vulnerable requests or statements. Therefore, most relationships do not have the communication foundations to have such vulnerable conversations. It becomes easier to avoid these conversations altogether and easier to get one’s emotional needs met elsewhere where there isn’t so much history, hurt, or negative emotions.

In addition to communication challenges, other factors can open the door to emotional infidelity, such as past hurts or betrayals, becoming emotionally or sexually bored in the relationship, feeling rejected by your partner, feeling your partner is emotionally unavailable, associating with others where emotional infidelity is common and accepted, feeling like you parenting your spouse or feeling like you are being parented by your spouse.

There can be multiple unhealthy relationship dynamics that can be co-occurring which can lead to infidelity. There can also be individual factors (such as traumas, unhealthy beliefs around relationships, etc.) that can contribute to existing unhealthy relationships increasing the likelihood of emotional infidelity.

Both partners contribute to emotional infidelity

Infidelity, whether emotional and/or sexual or any other type of relationship betrayal, does not exist in a vacuum. Meaning it is not a stand-alone thing that sprouted out of nowhere. With all the individuals and couples that I have counseled who are in search of infidelity recovery, it is typically a result of unhealthy relationship dynamics. Similar to addiction, infidelity is a systemic problem/relationship issue in which each partner has contributed in their own way to the issue.

I understand that statement can be really hard to read and process, especially if you are the one who was betrayed. Society would say “You don’t need this.”, “Walk away.”, or “Once a cheater always a cheater.” And without knowing your relationship nor the context in which the betrayal occurred, all those statements may hold some truth.

But what I can say is that for each couple who has courageously sat in front of me with the willingness to repair their relationship, each person eventually was able to not only recognize their contribution but more importantly was able to own their part.

At its core, a marriage relationship requires four components: sex, time, attention, and affection. Think of these as slices in a pie where each partner’s slices may look different. For example, for the husband the slice of time may be bigger than for the wife or the slice of affection may be bigger for the wife than it is for the husband. The size of these slices can change over time, during milestones, in times of stress, or just as a result of aging.

Although each spouse’s pie can look different, there is an overlap in that each person has the same four slices. As mentioned in the previous paragraph, it is pivotal for each partner to share when their slices change size; meaning the need has either increased or decreased for any of the four components.

I hope that this imagery can help you begin to understand the importance of having explicit conversations about the needs of each partner. These are continuous conversations that should be occurring throughout the life of the marriage. As we age our needs change and so do the needs of the relationship.

Repairing the Ruins

So how does a marriage repair itself after emotional infidelity? First, I want to affirm that overcoming this betrayal is possible. Second, I have a three-step process through which I lead couples who are recovering from any type of infidelity or betrayal. The three steps are as follows: crisis, insight, and vision.

Crisis Chances are, you may currently be in the crisis stage: you just found out, many different conflicting emotions overcome you, you may be in shock, or you may be exploring your options on whether to stay or leave (especially if this is not the first time). In the crisis phase, both partners are grappling to manage many different emotions.

Insight It’s not until the emotional dust settles that we can move toward the second phase of insight. Insight is a stage where each partner is able and willing to explore their own contribution to what happened in addition to gaining an understanding of their spouse’s choices and behaviors.

Vision In the last phase of vision, the couple co-creates a new definition of the monogamy agreement, and a new commitment to the covenant of marriage is made.

Keeping Covenant

The commitment to the covenant is at the core of sustaining a marriage regardless of the challenges. Keeping the commitment means showing up even when it’s hard, scary, or when you are hurt, tired, or not in the mood. It also means that there is an understanding and acceptance of the fallible human nature.

Thus, even though you and your partner have recommitted to the marital covenant, human nature will cause you and your partner to fail each other again at some point in some way. This is when and where we must grow our faith, strengthen our relationship with God, and practice our Christian morals and values with ourselves and our spouses.

Hope to Overcome Emotional Infidelity

I want to reiterate that a marriage can recover and prosper despite emotional infidelity. It will require creating a new healthy covenant that includes effective communication skills, healthy coping skills, and a different way of problem-solving – all things that are part of my therapeutic work with couples. In closing, Scripture reminds us that, “…we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him” (Romans 8:28).

If you are looking for support in navigating emotional infidelity, please contact our reception team to schedule a free consultation today. Kristy De Leon offers traditional talk therapy sessions or couple intensives (that range between 3-4 hours) for busy couples who want to expedite the healing process.

Photo:
“Shattered Heart”, Courtesy of Isidore Decamon, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License