Sometimes in life, you swing big, and you miss. That’s okay because without taking risks, we wouldn’t be able to accomplish meaningful things. When things don’t go the way you anticipate, however, it can be unhelpful to internalize that failure and tell yourself that you are a failure. Yes, we can fail, but at other times we succeed, and the risks we take pay off. Who you are as a person, and the value you possess goes far deeper than your failures, successes, or guilt.

Guilt is a feeling of unease or unhappiness that settles on you when you feel that you’ve done something immoral or wrong. Persistent feelings of guilt can end up shaping how you perceive yourself. You can end up feeling as though you haven’t only done something wrong and feel bad about it, but that you yourself are bad. It’s important to know how best to deal with these feelings.

The roots of guilt and not feeling good enough

Feeling guilty and not feeling good enough often derive from the same root. When there is a standard of conduct that one has failed to attain, that sense of failure is what causes the unease or distress we often call guilt. That standard may be derived from one’s family, surrounding culture, or from one’s spiritual formation. Failing to meet that standard may also make one feel as though they aren’t good enough.

While a person can feel guilty or not good enough for various reasons, it’s also possible that they can feel these things unnecessarily or excessively. A person can irrationally feel responsible for something that is outside of their control, or that wasn’t their fault. This is known as false guilt.

This can be the result of:

• Holding onto unattainable and unrealistic standards or expectations.
• Taking on way too much responsibility for the actions of others.
• Deeply internalizing unfair or unrealistic familial or societal expectations.
• Misinterpreting a situation by mistaking or misattributing causes and effects.
• Constant negative self-talk that induces a sense of guilt.
• A lack of self-compassion.
• Past traumatic experiences.

This can have many negative consequences in a person’s life such as self-doubt, anxiety, depression, and stunting personal growth. Thus, false guilt can create an unhealthy sense of self as well as affect a person’s mental and emotional health. Recognizing and addressing false and other forms of guilt helps promote well-being.

How to deal with guilt

Guilt has its place in our lives because it helps us be aware that we’ve done something that we shouldn’t have done, or not done something that we ought to have done. This gap between our actions and our ideals can drive us to act to rectify the deficiency. To address your guilt, the best way is to act, by seeking to undo what was done, to try and make amends, as well as to apologize for any harm caused.

Handling guilt can be difficult because it requires you to come face to face with your inability to meet a certain standard. There are healthy ways to deal with guilt, as well as unhealthy ways to address it. Some of the healthy ways to work through your feelings of guilt include the following:

Acknowledge your feelings

Instead of trying to pretend that you aren’t distressed or that there’s no reason to feel distressed, recognize and accept your guilt. Avoid either denying or suppressing your emotions, as this can only serve to prolong the process of addressing the root issues.

Identify the root cause

Take some time to reflect on the situation or action that’s the source of your guilt. You need to be honest with yourself about what could have led to your feelings of guilt.

Take responsibility

Guilt is often the result of having made a mistake and fallen short of certain expectations. If you’ve made a mistake, own up to it and apologize if necessary. If amends need to be made and can be made, then make them.

Practice self-compassion

Taking responsibility for your (in)action can be hard, but you can approach it with kindness and understanding toward yourself. We all make mistakes and fall short of our own standards and those of others, especially God’s standards (Romans 3:23, 6:23). However, you can deal with yourself truthfully and lovingly, just as you would a friend in a similar situation.

Learn from the experience

Instead of getting stuck in the feelings of guilt, you can use your guilt as a growth and learning opportunity. These situations can help you to pinpoint what you can do differently in the future. You can let go of any self-recrimination, as there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1), and there’s no benefit to keep holding onto guilt that has been addressed already.

Move forward

Create a plan to help you move forward. This plan can help you avoid or prevent similar situations in the future, and as you pursue your plan you can be patient with yourself, recalling that it can be a long process.

Seek support

You don’t have to face challenging situations alone. Speak with a trusted loved one or talk to a mental health professional about your feelings of guilt. While guilt can be helpful in moderation, prompting personal growth and positive change, excessive guilt can be harmful to your well-being. If your feelings of guilt are overwhelming or persistent, seek help from a counselor.

Reach out for help

If you are ready to speak to a counselor about guilt, mistakes you feel you have made, unhealthy patterns, or anything that is keeping you from living freely, please reach out to our offices today. We can arrange an appointment with one of the qualified therapists in our practice. Take your first step toward living free of unhealthy guilt.