Unshelving Hope: Anxiety, Personal Development, and Summoning the Courage to Dream Again

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We don’t have to wait for a special time of year to generate the momentum to craft new goals. If we want to change a habit that supports our ultimate vision, we can resume our personal development journey from where we are with the Lord’s help. For additional guidance and support, Newport Beach Christian Counseling can provide the encouragement needed to help you stay on track with your goals.

The One who fashioned us has equipped us to do with Him what we otherwise couldn’t do on our own. Through the voice of Isaiah, a significant Old Testament prophet, God encourages us to forget the old. In difficulty and dry places, The Father promises that newness will suddenly emerge (Isaiah 43:18-19).

At some point, God’s people had to stop looking at the old and make room in their hearts and expect to encounter the Lord in fresh ways. It doesn’t appear only in the Old Testament, but also in the New, where Jesus taught about pouring new wine into old wineskins (Mark 2:22).

Sometimes, we seek new experiences, yet we cling to old mindsets that cannot reasonably support the growth and expansion of what is fresh and developing. To advance our personal development, we need the power of God to spark the change that begins internally and flows externally to people and places around us.

Everything left in our past (old wine) may not necessarily be “bad,” but loyalty to our experience over faithfulness to the new wine of the Holy Spirit will restrict what the Alpha and Omega desires to launch and complete in us.

We tend to attach fear and anxiety to the unknown. It isn’t that we won’t experience discomfort or occasional apprehension. Yet, we don’t have to be controlled by the spirit of fear.

Anxiety seeks to control what we don’t know by recycling intrusive thoughts and obsessions. However, embracing God’s power, love, and self-control transplants us from abiding in the restlessness and agitation that anxiety produces (2 Timothy 1:7 ESV). We can opt into different choices that surrender the illusion of control, by continually submitting our hearts, minds, and the details we don’t know to the all-knowing God who does.

We can form healthy habits of the heart that support the newness that God desires to produce in and through us. Sometimes, we become weary in the wilderness, that is, in between what we desire to see and where we started. Motivation itself isn’t often enough to create lasting change in our personal development. Thankfully, the Lord has placed resources at our disposal that provide enough structure to support a substantial dream.

Whether or not we use those tools directly with Him, on our own, or in partnership with others, the Holy Spirit remains present to guide us into our future and the fulfillment of promises.

Be Grateful

While we don’t live in the past, remembering what God has done arms us against despair. This encourages us and boosts our faith when anxiety’s dark clouds hover.

Creating a gratitude practice is an intentional action that refocuses us on God’s limitless ability, despite present circumstances. It has the added benefit of stilling worry and anxiety associated with the uncertainty. We might find ourselves tempted to complain, mutter words of doubt, or remain agitated in fear about what God hasn’t revealed, yet we must deliberately look up and ahead.

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:21-23 ESV

Whatever God has planned is better than what remains in the past. The children of Israel murmured against Moses about the leeks and cucumbers they left in Egypt, but Canaan, their Promised Land was waiting. In their future, the land of milk and honey, a fruitful land, promised to be better than what they remembered about Egyptian captivity.

“‘The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,’ says the Lord Almighty. ‘And in this place I will grant peace,’ declares the Lord Almighty.” Haggai 2:9 NIV

It could be easy to camp out on past failures or successes, no matter how good, but when we turn our face toward the future that the Lord has planned, it renews hope for encountering another facet of the Father’s heart. God doesn’t make empty promises, so if the Holy Spirit has instructed us to look up or ahead, there is not only grace for it but also something He wants us to be ready to see.

Be Open

When we begin walking toward our goals and incorporating new habits, our preparation demonstrates faith in Him over our fears and anxiety. We aim our efforts and attention, much like an arrow, to strike targets in the direction of our destiny.

Clearing mental and emotional clutter releases what served a previous environment or season but won’t work in the new setting. As we learn to live with a mind that’s opened to dream with God, a heart to desire with God, and hands to do with God, we carve a welcome space for the Lord to manifest His Will on the earth.

Not only will our personal development accelerate through the fruit of goals and improved habits, but we will experience a greater dimension of the God who exceeds and abounds beyond what we ask, think, or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

Be Clear 

And the Lord answered me: “Write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it. For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay. Habakkuk 2:2-3 ESV

Write the vision that God has begun to script in your heart. Sit with the Holy Spirit to hear Him clearly, even as your dreams resurface. You don’t have to fear what you see, as God is the One who has populated your heart with its unique desires (Psalm 37:4). He has the power to bring them forward and into fruition. So, be bold and creative. Identify what you want to see evolve in your life and embrace the Lord’s timing to partner with Him as it unfolds.

Use this power of visualizing by creating pictures that support your brain’s capacity to think and your mind’s ability to envision. Connect words or images that illustrate your vision in a place where you can intentionally refer to it, consistently gathering inspiration and encouragement. This practical step reinforces faith in what seems impossible.

When you don’t feel inspired or hopeful, building a habit around visualizing God’s promise, aligns and applies Scripture’s power and principles to your prayers and plans. Acting in faith before you see manifestation cultivates spiritual sustainability and stirs the courage to keep dreaming with God in the wilderness and through the waiting.

Be Diligent

Anything worth having will require an investment, whether spiritual or practical. It is important that we not only spend time with the Lord, assessing what the work will require of us in our personal development journey (Luke 14:28). We must also receive the grace that will sustain and strengthen us as we apply our natural aptitudes and spiritual abilities to our current assignment.

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, Colossians 3:23 NIV

Scripture admonishes us to work willingly with our hands and to do everything as unto the Lord. While we may be tempted to disengage when the process becomes difficult, we can invite the Holy Spirit to bring times of refreshing, rest and renew us in hope, and refuel us for Jesus’ ultimate and eternal purpose (Acts 3:19).

Next Steps

While you may have experienced a variety of challenges that shelved your hope, it is possible to overcome the anxiety that may have stalled your personal development. Seek counseling resources from Newport Beach Christian Counseling and schedule with a professional for the support you need.

The Lord may be awakening you now to engage with the reality of dreaming and doing with Him. Commit to meeting with your counselor so you can embrace the courage to dream and experience the fullness you were created to enjoy with the Lord.

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7 Ways to Cure Emotional Exhaustion

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Stress is a natural part of life. No matter how hard a person tries, it is almost impossible to avoid all stress. Social media and technology fuel our technologically advanced world; technology was meant to improve our lives and make things more efficient. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers tools and support to help you manage stress and find balance in this fast-paced, tech-driven world.

However, technology has allotted us so much time that we fit too much into our day and our minds get overly stimulated. Cell phones also add to our stress because we are constantly online and available. Whether scrolling through a social media feed, texting a friend, or looking at the Internet to find a bargain, our minds are constantly stimulated with information.

This stimulation causes cortisol levels to rise in our bodies, causing us undue stress and perhaps anxiety. Cortisol levels that are elevated for long periods can cause mental and emotional strain on our bodies. If you are on the go for too long without giving yourself adequate time for rest, you are vulnerable to emotional exhaustion. The symptoms of emotional exhaustion may be hard to pinpoint.

Some of the symptoms of emotional exhaustion can include (but not limited to):

  • Increased sadness.
  • Irritability.
  • Anxiety.
  • Inability to sleep.
  • Poor diet choices.
  • Failure to thrive in relationships.

Seven Means of Addressing Emotional Exhaustion

It is possible to cure emotional exhaustion. Here are some methods to consider:

Unplug from screens

The human body is made to lower its cortisol levels naturally. But it’s impossible to do that when our minds and bodies are stimulated by television, computers, and phone screens. Limit the amount of time you watch the screen. This adjustment may be a slight change in your lifestyle, but it could also mean a significant change in your health. A person may use their phone, computer, and television more often than they should and not even realize it.

A person’s eyes, ears, and brain were not made to receive information constantly. Just like your physical body, the brain needs rest. Limit screen time to work for an hour on the phone or television in the evening only. Unplug the rest of the time. If a person finds this problematic, they may be addicted to their screens.

Rest

Allow the body time to rest. Take sixty minutes each day when you normally look at a screen and get into a dark, cool room. Place a cold washcloth or sleep mask over your eyes. Listen to the sound of your breathing. Take deep breaths for sixty minutes. Try not to sleep (don’t fight it if you must sleep). Catching up on physical rest may be a way for your body to restore its cortisol levels.

Remove toxic people

Although this may be difficult, it may be time to take inventory of your friendships. Are there people in your life that drain you emotionally? These may be people who only reach out to you when they need something, take more than they give, or talk about you behind your back.

Start with social media. Go through your friends list and delete anyone who is not interacting with your social media feed. You may find you have extra friends on your list who are not friends.

Next, go through your phone and find people you contact often. Are they all people who you would consider friends? If a person is presented as a good friend, keep them. If a person has not been a good friend, delete them. Be honest if the person reaches out to you and asks why you have not contacted them.

Let them know the friendship is just not working out. You may get some backlash from the person who’s angry that you terminated the friendship but count the cost. You may not have lost much in the end.

Limit draining conversations

You may have some people in your life who would like to process their issues and pain with you. While this can be helpful, you can’t be everyone’s counselor. Draw boundaries and let a person know you cannot talk with them about their issues or pain anymore.

As a friend, you may be carrying their burden for them. But this is not healthy for you or the friendship. Tell a person they can tell you about their day or how they’re doing in ten minutes or less. Tell them that you’ll switch the subject to something more lighthearted. This is good for your emotional state because you won’t be carrying another person’s burden for them.

Work less

While this may not be ideal for everyone, if work stresses you out too much, find a way to work smarter, not harder. Is it necessary to work forty hours? Can you be more efficient so you’re not working so hard throughout the week?

Discover new ways to work less and enjoy life more. Work can give us a great sense of purpose and worth, but it also can be emotionally draining. The adrenal glands, which are the control center for stress and anxiety, can get overly taxed if overused for too long. The more time you spend on creative activities and friendships, the happier you’ll be.

Get creative

People were made to create. If you are creative, find a way to unlock that creative potential again. Find outlets that make you happy. For example, if you are not a painter but love to work with paint, find a paint-by-number kit or canvas that already has a picture on it. This creative solution will save you time from having to think of something to draw, but you also won’t have to worry about being perfect. The point is to be creative.

Connect with God

On the whole, Christians don’t spend nearly enough time with God. Due to an overly packed schedule, most Christians spend 20 minutes to 1/2 hour each day in time with the Lord. While this is important and a great start, strive to spend more time connecting with God. Go to a solitary place, get alone, and ask the Lord to speak.

Listen for God’s still, small voice. Listening to God’s voice and obeying Him throughout the day is an incredible skill that will grow you spiritually and allow you to replenish yourself emotionally.

The more time you spend with God, the more you’ll want to talk to Him about the issues in your life. This time with God may cause you to release grief through tears or rage. These are two great ways to release your emotions naturally.

Take your issues to God and allow Him to carry them. The more comfortable you become spending time with God, the more you will be able to release the big emotions weighing you down. Just like on the cross, allow Jesus to carry your burdens with Him and intercede on your behalf. The act of giving up casting your cares to the Lord alone will help you replenish yourself through emotional exhaustion.

Next Steps

Emotional exhaustion is more common than people think. But by trying the suggestions above, you will do your physical body and spirit a great service and ensure your emotional state is as healthy as possible. These changes will help you become a better human being and a Christian.

Sometimes we need a counselor to help us see our way through emotional exhaustion and the causes of it. If you would like the help of one of our Christian counselors, don’t hesitate to contact Newport Beach Christian Counseling today.

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“Sad Man”, Courtesy of Ben White, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Overworked”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Hammocks”, Courtesy of Andika Christian, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Cross”, Courtesy of Aaron Burden, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Are Personality Tests Helpful?

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Understanding ourselves takes a lifetime. It requires introspection, insightful mentors, and constant change. Who we were as children bears similarities to who we were as teens, who we are as adults, and who we will be when we are elderly. There will also be many differences. Our experiences change us. Many just let it happen, but some take action (such as taking personality tests) to change themselves from the inside out, taking personal development seriously.

Using personality typing systems is one way to work on personal development and self-improvement. There are several out there, each offering features that help with different aspects of personal growth. Personality tests can be used to build self-awareness and empathy. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help you explore these tools as part of your journey toward greater personal growth and understanding.

How are personality tests helpful?

In some ways, it can be like hacking yourself. As you learn about your personality’s strengths and weaknesses, you can use tools that best suit you. For example, if you understand that you are a morning or night person, you can choose the time of day to apply your energy effectively.

Different personality tests provide various types of insights. Let’s take a quick look at three popular personality tests.

Myers-Briggs

This personality test uses a system of contrasts to create sixteen distinct personality types. According to the primary website, “The Myers-Briggs framework consists of eight preferences organized into four pairs of opposites.

Your MBTI personality type represents your natural preferences in four important aspects of personality. We use all the preferences, but most people prefer one side of a preference pair more than the other, which accounts for the natural personality differences between people.”

By testing where your preferences fall, you develop a combination that explains how you interact with society. Your Myers-Briggs can change several times throughout your life. Coming back to it from time to time is a fascinating exercise in self-development.

The Enneagram

At a basic look, this personality test provides nine personality types for categorization. However, as any Enneagram coach will tell you, it is far more layered. There are wings and arrows; there are healthy, average, and unhealthy versions of every number, and there are many other details to explore when you learn about the Enneagram.

According to Enneagram coach Suzanne Stabile, “the Enneagram acts as a unique tool for understanding and explaining human behavior and the underlying motivations that drive behavior and the gifts we all have for the transformation of non-productive encounters with others.”

The Clifton Strengths

This test is often used for career purposes. The primary results are your top five strengths. You can leverage these strengths to increase your productivity and value in whatever your field of work. Leadership may use this test to determine how best to work with their team. According to the systems founder, Don Clifton, “Strengths science answers questions about what’s right with people rather than what’s wrong with them.”

If you want to find it, many, many other tests examine particular aspects of personality, worldview, and motivations. Just for fun, you can also take tests exploring what kind of animal you are, what castle matches your personality, or what historical figure you are most like.

Weaknesses

When self-improvement is the goal of taking personality tests, you can gain some great things: insights into your strengths and weaknesses, an understanding of your core values, and how other people are different from you. It can be valuable to help you with relationships, particularly when you know what someone else’s personality type is. You can build empathy by learning about how other people think and react.

It can be tempting to use personality tests to excuse bad behavior. No amount of tests will change who you are. It is entirely up to you to do the work of self-improvement, and personality tests should be a launching point rather than a final explanation.

Your faith also influences your personality. Always hold fast to the truth that no matter what these personality tests say, you are fearfully and wonderfully made in God’s image.

Personality Tests and Counseling

If you take a personality test, bring the results to counseling. Your counselor can help you use the information in a way that is beneficial to your personal development. They can combine what they know about you with that test to create a plan that helps you achieve your goals.

A counselor is a mentor who can help you use the tool of personality tests most effectively. Call Newport Beach Christian Counseling today to get started with your journey of self-improvement.

References:https://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/myers-briggs-overview/

https://www.theenneagramjourney.org/the-enneagram

https://www.gallup.com/cliftonstrengths/en/253790/science-of-cliftonstrengths.aspx

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“Wild Flowers”, Courtesy of Annie Spratt, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

 

The Benefits of Taking a Step Back

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When facing a challenge, many people think it is essential to face it head-on. Whether a problem at work, a fear you struggle with, an argument with a spouse, or even a medical crisis, there are aspects that you need to see to swiftly. However, very rarely, are these problems so urgent that you cannot take a step back to regroup. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can support you in finding the space and tools you need to effectively navigate challenges in your life.

You may feel the urge to take action immediately in order to get to the other side of the issue. You may even feel pressure from someone else to address the situation immediately. Whether the desire to work through the issue is internal, stemming from something within you, or external, stemming from someone or something else, it is beneficial to think about whether you need to handle the problem immediately.

This is especially important to consider if it is a long-term issue. These problems may be difficult to manage over extended periods of time. Doing so can cause additional stress, anxiety, anger, or burnout that prevents you from making good choices.

Taking a Step Back

Instead of pressing forward, pause and ask yourself some questions:

  • Does this problem need to be dealt with immediately?
  • Am I in danger? Is anyone else in danger?
  • Am I handling this well?
  • Would I benefit from extra time to think through things?
  • Do I need counsel from a trusted friend, pastor, or therapist?

Answering these questions can help determine if you need to address the issue right away or if you have the ability to take a step back. If someone is in danger, including yourself, it is essential that you make changes to ensure everyone’s safety.

For example, if someone is hurting you, it is important to remove yourself from danger. Similarly, if your child is being bullied, you need to make sure your child is safe before taking a step back to evaluate further.

If you are doing your best to navigate a situation, but find that you are not functioning well, it may be time to step back. Indicators like stress, anxiety, short-temperedness, procrastination, avoidance, and anger are indicators that you need space and support in whatever you are facing.

As you consider your specific situation, you can determine when and how to take a step back. Options may include:

  • Taking a break from an argument
  • Taking a mental health day from school or work
  • Seeking counseling before addressing the issue further
  • Doing something that calms you
  • Practicing breathing exercises
  • Praying
  • Meditating

As you try these things, you will notice several benefits of taking a step back. They may not be immediate, but as you practice them, you can discover how helpful they can be.

Some noteworthy benefits that come with an intentional pause during a challenging situation include:

Seeing What’s Best for You

When you are close to a problem it can be hard to truly see what is best for you. Taking a step back can help you better understand the best path for you without the noise of other people’s opinions.

Taking Time to Heal

Struggling with conflict or crisis, whether personal, relational, or work related, generates countless opportunities for you to be hurt. The way someone treats you, the burden of prolonged stress, or the wounds of your past can leave you feeling vulnerable and broken. Taking a step back gives you time and space to heal.

Reflecting on Your Thoughts and Feelings

Sometimes something that starts small can spiral into a bigger issue. This happens frequently in many relationships. What started as a little disagreement can spiral into an intense argument or long-lasting grudge. This can make it particularly hard to truly consider your thoughts and feelings. Taking a step back gives you a chance to think. It allows you to look more objectively at how you feel.

Enjoying the Present Moment

People rarely take time to enjoy things when life feels hard. It is easy to worry about how to move forward or stress about what is to come. This prevents you from enjoying anything in the present. Taking a step back gives space to be present and find joy in what.

Seeing Another Perspective

People do not always see other perspectives when they are in the middle of a problem. It is easy to get stuck in your thinking, never considering things from another angle or thinking how another person may see the situation. When you take a step back, you can consider the problem from various angles. You can even ask God to help you do this.

Discovering Your Values

Identifying your values feels simple when you are not in the middle of a crisis, but things can change quickly when you are. It is easy for you to disregard the values you hold because you are busy trying to manage your overwhelming situation. Taking a step back gives an opportunity to look at what you value most and see how to move forward with that in mind.

Understanding the Bigger Picture

Rarely do people see the broad picture in the heat of a conflict. When a couple argues about doing the chores, it may seem like it is about laundry and mowing the lawn. In reality, it may be about something else. Perhaps one person is feeling overwhelmed with the demands on them. Maybe there are unmet expectations around chore sharing. Taking a step back can help people see what is actually beneath the surface.

Refocusing

It is always good to keep things in focus. In the middle of a crisis, it is easy to get hyper focused on certain things while losing focus of other things completely. Taking a step back will help you refocus on what is really happening and what is most important.

Finding Yourself

Problems have a way of making people lose themselves. Whether it is getting bogged down in a stressful work environment or drowning in the day to day of parenting, you can work so hard to get through a day that you lose track of your needs and feelings. When you take a step back you are available to rediscover the unique things that make you special.

Recharging

Struggle wears people out. It can make you tired, weary from trying to manage things or address the issue you are facing. You may notice it in other areas of your life. For example, when you are dealing with an issue at work, you may come home and snap at your roommate even though they did nothing wrong. Carrying problems is exhausting. Taking a step back is an effective way to recharge in order to return to your problem.

God Calls You to Step Back and Look to Him

Jesus instructs His people what to do when things feel hard. He wants you to come to Him. He promises hope and rest as you move forward.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30, NIV)

You Do Not Need to Do This Alone

Taking a step back can be hard. As you face obstacles, the idea of not acting right away can be scary. Talking to a counselor can make the process easier. A trained counselor can help you better understand your situation, help you address any urgent needs, and guide you as you take a step back.

Having a person walk this road with you is incredibly helpful. Call our office at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to connect with a counselor with experience relating to your unique needs. A counselor will support you as you find the best way to move forward.

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Counseling and Help for Helping Professionals

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Being in the helping profession can be a fulfilling journey. These are the people who meet us at our most vulnerable times and offer to help. It can be a teacher in a class or a first responder coming to the scene of an accident. When we talk of those in the helping professions, they cover many categories. Below is a list of some of them:

  • Emergency services (First Responders, ambulance drivers, disaster relief workers, firefighters, police services)
  • Mental health and counseling services (Counselors, mental health advocates, psychologists)
  • Health Care Professionals (Nurses, doctors, EMTs, Midwives, etc.)
  • Non-Governmental Organization professionals
  • Social Services (Hospice workers, child welfare workers, domestic violence advocates)
  • Spiritual and Religious leaders (priests, Pastors, Rabbis, Imams)
  • Educational Services (Teachers, Lecturers, Professors, School Counselors)
  • Legal Services (Judges, Attorneys, Public Defenders, Mediators etc.)

Though the work they do is valuable and serves a great need in society, it comes with unique challenges and stressors. Constantly being there for others can be emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. The impact of these stressors can have a huge impact if not addressed in time. Due to the nature of the work those in the helping profession do, they rarely think of themselves as the ones needing help. This is why organizations and companies that employ those in the helping professions need to have strong Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs) available. These programs can provide essential support for individuals in the helping professions, ensuring they have access to resources like Newport Beach Christian Counseling to address their own emotional and mental health needs.

Common Stressors for Helping Professionals

These programs can assist with some of the stressors that come with helping professions like the ones below:

Burnout

Many in the helping professions must deal with high workloads with few staff and resources to help them out. The fact that they also work long hours at a time can contribute to burnout. This is when the body experiences extreme levels of deep exhaustion. Burnout is common for those who are in the helping professions.

Spillover into personal life

Trying to gain a balance between life and work can be difficult for those in the helping profession. Not only is it the long hours that hinder the ability to attend to other aspects of life, it’s just that the work can also be all-consuming. Struggling to “switch off” when one gets home is a common complaint. This can have a huge impact on the person’s relationships and general well-being.

Compassion Fatigue

Being in the profession of helping others can cause compassion fatigue. This is the impact that helping has on individuals. It can be emotional, mental, or physical. Compassion fatigue causes those who are going through it to be unwilling and unable to care for others. There is a level of disinterest in the welfare of others due to constant exposure to trauma and suffering.

Secondary or Vicarious Trauma

Vicarious trauma happens when those in the helping professions witness or hear about their client’s or patient’s trauma and they take it upon themselves. This is not voluntary but can manifest itself through intrusive thoughts or nightmares. Unfortunately, those in the helping professions are constantly being exposed to the trauma of others and sometimes without adequate support.

Grief and Loss

An unfortunate reality for those in the helping professions, especially those in the healthcare industry, is that they will experience the death of their patients. This can be emotionally challenging and lead to dealing with grief and loss constantly.

Mental Health Issues

PTSD, depression, and anxiety are some common mental health issues experienced by those in the helping professions. The work they do is emotionally taxing meaning without adequate support they could struggle mentally.

Physical Health problems

Physical health issues are a reality for those who work in the healthcare industry. During the COVID-19 pandemic, they were on the front line and therefore more at risk for contracting the virus themselves. Those in the health profession are also more at risk of physical harm as they carry and attend to those in distress.

Help For the Helpers

As essential as the work done by those in the helping professions is, questions need to be asked by organizations and society about what sort of help and support can be offered. Being in a helping profession means that there needs to be a huge emphasis on self-care, organizational support, and seeking professional help when needed.

Being able to take care of oneself is important when in the helping profession. This does not mean a person is being selfish but making sure that they are healthy enough to carry out their duties. Self-care can be achieved by taking care of the physical body, making sure one gets enough exercise, eats right, gets enough sleep, and seeking professional or medical help when they are not well. Taking time to be involved in one’s favorite hobbies and building relationships ensures that individuals are allowing themselves to unplug from their work and care for other aspects of their lives. Relationships are important as they provide the much-needed social support that those in the helping professions need. Being part of a loving and vibrant church community can offer these relationships and support.

A huge part of self-care is the ability for one to have boundaries. This must be both in their professional and personal world. Having boundaries will guard against being burnt out and suffering from compassion fatigue. As much as it is within one’s power, they might need to cut down on shifts at work or limit their church and family commitments so that they are not overstretched. Part of having boundaries can also come in the form of carving out time for prayer and meditation. This is the time one can give themselves to just be still, rest, and commune with God.

Organizational support is also important for those in the helping professions. This can come in the form of Employee Assistance Programs that cater to the unique needs of the profession. Companies and organizations can run seminars and training courses that address any of the risks that are posed. Organizations can also provide career counseling and coaching services to their employees, so they are kept up to date with the changes in their profession, thus reducing the risks of stress in the workplace. Personalized supervision and consultations can also be provided for employees so that they have superiors they can rely on to give direction and guidance.

Professional help for those in the helping professions can come in the form of psychological, psychiatric, or medical help. Due to the dangers posed on individuals due to the stressors they go through daily, access to the above should be made available. Those in the helping professions might struggle with PTSD, Vicarious Trauma, depression, anxiety, physical injuries, and grief. These require professional help. This is in the form of individual counseling, specialized trauma therapy, support groups, and medical and psychiatric interventions. Due to the high-stress nature of helping professionals, greater importance needs to be placed on supporting them and providing them with the necessary resources. Resources need to be available for those who might need regular medical check-ups due to the nature of their work.

All this does not mean that all those in the helping profession are struggling. Most of these challenges have been mitigated by organizations and companies that set up appropriate services for the welfare of their employees. With adequate support, it can be a fulfilling journey to be in any of these professions as long as individuals prioritize self-care and make use of the support structures available to them.

Reach Out for Support

Being in the helping profession can be isolating and sometimes difficult to deal with. If you find you are struggling because of your work and need help and guidance, please reach out to our offices at Newport Beach Christian Counseling. There are trained Therapists who are ready to provide a safe and confidential environment for you to work through any work-related concerns.

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Building Self-Esteem One Choice at a Time

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Building self-esteem and increasing confidence starts with making the right choices at the right time. When we consistently make productive choices and act on them, we see a boost in our confidence and how we think about ourselves.

No longer do we believe the nonsense that we are not smart enough, attractive enough, or productive enough to get things done. We learn how to set goals and follow through, one choice at a time. Building self-esteem is a natural result of following through. Newport Beach Christian Counseling supports this journey by helping individuals cultivate confidence and resilience.

Building self-esteem and making better decisions

Since our thoughts influence our emotions and behaviors, learning to discern between a poor choice and a beneficial one can help with building self-esteem. We will not always make the right decisions. However, that is a part of life and should be treated as a learning experience.

Try the following tips for building self-esteem and making better choices.

Learn from others’ mistakes

The easiest way to make better choices is to learn from other’s mistakes. If you can learn the lesson from watching others, you can possibly avoid pain and heartache.

For example, if your father was obese due to uncontrollable eating patterns and suffered a heart attack at a young age, you may be at a higher risk of gaining weight and suffering a heart attack or stroke. You may want to learn how to watch your portions and engage in activities that will lower your risk. If you follow in the same footsteps, you might suffer the same fate or worse.

Many people remember the lessons they learned watching their parents and other family members and vow not to repeat those mistakes. However, sometimes these behaviors are ingrained in us and we repeat them anyway, despite our best intentions. A counselor can help you learn to break generational behaviors and addictions.

Learn the lessons from your past choices

Have you ever repeated a decision as if you still have not learned the lesson? We probably all have at one time or another. You may make the same choice if your emotions get in the way of logic, or if you cannot think of a better choice.

For example, you might take back a spouse after they had an affair, only to have them do it again a decade later. Although logic may tell you that this is a behavioral pattern in them, you may allow your feelings for them to override the decision to leave and instead, take them back again.

Try to identify the same type of choices and ask yourself if this is a pattern. Is it a pattern of your behavior or the behavior of someone else? If you make a different choice this time, how will it boost your self-esteem?

Pause and think long-term before making a decision

Before making an impulsive decision or behavior, ask yourself about the long-term consequences.

For example, it might seem like a good idea at the time to cheat on a final exam to earn a certification. However, what would be the long-term consequence? What is the worst thing that could happen? Perhaps the school has a program that tracks the exams and notifies the administration of potential cheating.

What if they disqualify you from the program and do not allow you to earn the certification? What if they report your actions to the next program you apply to? Would the derailment of your dream career be worth cheating on an exam?

You can apply these “worst-case scenarios” to any choice. You may find that a specific choice ends up being in your favor. Perhaps your company offers you a relocation package to a new city. The worst-case scenario is that you are miles away from your family. But, you may weigh the pros and cons and decide that the move will benefit your family far more and you can always make plans to video call and visit your family throughout the year.

Check in with your emotions

Emotions are fickle. When we cannot control our feelings, we may act impulsively and make poor decisions that can lead to lower self-esteem. Before making a monumental decision, take stock of your emotions.

Are you feeling desperate, hurt, sad, or angry? Are you tired or hungry? Is your anxiety calling the shots? It can be difficult to make a proper choice when your emotions seem overwhelming. Instead, reach out to a counselor or close friend and explain the situation. They may be able to help you detach from your emotions to make an informed decision.

Getting help

Do you struggle with your confidence and feelings of self-worth? A counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help you with building self-esteem, taking control of your behaviors, and defeating intrusive thoughts. Contact our office today to schedule a session with a counselor in Newport Beach, California.

 Photos:
“Woman Ascending the Stairs”, Courtesy of THIS IS ZUN, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Wooden Walkway”, Courtesy of Nao Triponez, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Balancing Act”, Courtesy of Dominika Roseclay, Pexels.com, CC0 License

Burnout, Boundaries, and Balance: Navigating Codependency at Work

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Between deadlines and competing demands, responsibilities at work can destabilize us and cause us to feel overwhelmed when serving the marketplace with our gifts. This may encumber us with an unnecessary burden of responsibility, goading us into codependency at work, trying to save the world and our workplace.

Although there are tasks to manage, codependency at work can tempt us to overcompensate for the actions or inertia of others with personal investments of time and effort we cannot afford. Simply doing more doesn’t make us more productive or effective, but rather strains resolve if we continually extinguish fires outside the realm of our responsibility.

However, when we channel our resources into the pursuits where we are graced by God, we can experience greater fulfillment in the work that we do, individually and with others. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help you discover and align with your God-given purpose for a more fulfilling life.

While we may be loosely familiar with how codependency sabotages relationships, its poison can also infiltrate our places of business. Codependency at work prompts us to reach past our colleagues, taking on what is not ours to carry.

It deprives others of responsibility and the opportunity to grow their gifts in the roles they serve on our teams. We may have good intentions, but a codependent desire to control environments and outcomes can actually work against us. It deconstructs the sense of teamwork that causes our places of business to thrive and be fruitful.

Burnout

Furthermore, codependency at work has the potential to produce burnout in us. The lack of boundaries and balance leads us to assume more responsibility than we may be graced to fulfill. Instead of feeling accomplished, codependency at work strains us and multiplies resentment over time, resulting in burnout, decreased productivity, and sometimes an increase in low mood associated with depression.

Thankfully, we can revisit codependency at work by allowing the Holy Spirit to reset our vision concerning our role on a team. Just like the interdependent nature of Christ’s Body has many members, we must celebrate the value of each contributor, realizing that each teammate has a portion of grace, gift, and skill to devote to their realm of responsibility to benefit the whole.

Boundaries

We need God’s wisdom to discern what is ours to own and how to make a distinction between supporting others at work without codependent control. When we ask, the Holy Spirit will help us to release such unnecessary burdens, nurture healthy boundaries, and build better balance in life and work.

We navigate it with the gifts and grace He’s given. His wisdom empowers us to assess and place boundaries around the time and energy we afford to people, projects, or pursuits. The Holy Spirit will reveal practical ways to revise boundaries at work to maximize our successes for God’s glory.

Balance

God has privileged His sons and daughters with the ability to embrace His presence as we form godly decisions. He has also furnished all that we need to thrive in a godly and fulfilling life. Embracing this promise requires balance.

This doesn’t mean that everything in our lives or work gets equal time and attention. Instead, we follow the Spirit’s guidance in stewarding our priorities and resources while releasing others to flourish in the domain where they are assigned.

Help for codependency at work

God is concerned with each aspect of your being. Your work life is not exempt. Where you may have experienced codependency at work, you don’t have to sabotage yourself, your career, or the places where you serve with your gifts.

Help is available, even as you scan this site for resources to overcome codependency at work. Schedule an appointment with a professional counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling to support you with recovering from burnout, establishing boundaries, and finding your healthy balance.

Photos:
“Collab”, Courtesy of Jud Mackrill, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Planning”, Courtesy of KOBU Agency, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Small Steps, Big Impacts: Goal Setting, Micro Habits, and Personal Development

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Nowadays, it isn’t difficult to search any social media outlet and find others splaying hashtags and markers for personal development. It isn’t limited to resolutions that populate many timelines around the start of the year, but rather throughout. We want progress, and we want to note it in all the areas that we value: relationships, health, and careers.

It becomes easy to lose ourselves in an addictive stupor, scrolling other people’s pages and profiles. Subconsciously, we compare ourselves with a perceived ideal God never intended for us to idolize, but rather encounter inspiration for attaining our own goals.

Emotion can become overwhelming as we scan our own lives and sometimes feel that we’ve come up short. We may not be concerned with outpacing our neighbors’ particular goals, but rather, champion and celebrate their achievements. Yet, when we seem to be stalled with progress toward our aims, the unspoken comparison may trigger undeniable pain.

Even if we don’t share the aspirations of those in our social circles, we sometimes encounter frustration from comparing ourselves where we are now with where we had imagined our own lives to be at this point and our personal development. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help navigate these feelings and provide guidance on personal growth.

Small beginnings

The big result isn’t always seen in the major move. Biblically, the narrative of small unveils the miraculous in both testaments. Small beginnings brim with possibility, as God Himself commits to oversee the good that He’s begun in us (Zechariah 4:10; Philippians 1:6).

The Spirit of God multiplies our minimal resources, adding up to more than we could produce on our own. We encounter the result in more than our senses or perception would have imagined (1 Corinthians 2:9).

What is impossible comes to fruition, and it originates through the miracle of small. A handful of flour and oil sustained the widow of Zarephath until drought and famine passed over (1 Kings 17:14-16). Mustard seed faith uproots and displaces mountains (Matthew 17:20-21).

A couple of fish and a handful of bread catered lunch for thousands on a hillside (Mark 6:41-44). So, it follows in our lives; The Holy Spirit involves us in miracles that manifest before our eyes and often through the little that becomes much in the Master’s Hands.

Goal setting

When we develop SMART goals, we do so around the following: garner the specifics of what we intend to accomplish, narrow our attention on clear objectives; measure our progress; and assess and ensure that they are attainable within a certain amount of time. Ideally, the goals we establish are relevant, aligning with our longer-term goals, and are reasonable for the time frame we have identified.

We must individualize and find a system that works personally. SMART goals are intended to support us in attaining what can feel unmanageable.

Our lives are unique; hence, our goal-setting will be personally relevant to the Father’s times and purposes for each of us. God created us as individual masterpieces, predetermined to be fulfilled in Christ (Ephesians 2:10). We won’t look identical, regardless of how much we have in common or overlap in compatible and complementary gifts and abilities.

We are on a distinct path with the Lord and cannot try to emulate someone else’s process. Embracing inspiration is valuable, but we only need to aspire to our Savior’s standard when setting goals that align with the vision for our personal development.

While the process of working toward a goal can present inherent frustrations, we must remind ourselves that God will grant grace and glory, promising to withhold nothing good (Psalm 84:11). Our timeline may not mirror that of others, nor should it.

We can recalibrate our hopes, and even anchor our failures in the Lord, recognizing that He repurposes our missteps and mistakes to draw our hearts to repent or turn to Him. The Holy Spirit is at work, developing spiritual fruit and illuminating our path with the abundance of essential wisdom and revelation. We can take courage, aligning our plans with Scriptural principles to lead into the divine destiny God has orchestrated.

Micro habits

Goal-setting is a familiar topic within the realm of personal development, but micro habits present a fresh way to think about this timeless concept. Micro habits deconstruct massive endeavors into smaller, more digestible parts.

In goal setting, we zoom wide to view a broad angle of what we seek to accomplish. To achieve it, we fill in segments of our big picture with zoomed-in, small-picture steps. In short, micro-habits embrace the practice of doing a little of a particular action at a time, yet sustained over time to reach a larger goal.

Forming a micro habit relies on simple daily actions that are relatively easy to implement into an established routine and may require, at most, a few minutes of time.  We contribute to our larger goal, yet with concentrated and consistent investment.

Success with micro habits is anchored in how we perceive our worth and willingness to show up for ourselves with rhythm and regularity that transforms our efforts into an offering that God blesses in the work of our hands. Our consistency invokes the questions for our consideration. Do we value what God has placed in us? And will we partner with Him to see it to fruition?

Micro habits toggle our attention between the vision for what we are building and its actual layout and placement in the structure of our daily lives. They allow us to draw a blueprint, designing a life enriched with the peace of God and joy of the Lord and the action that follows our faith.

We cannot control everything, including inevitable setbacks bound to populate our journey. However, micro habits teach us to navigate failures that are an unavoidable part of any success. Micro habits allow us to recover with curiosity and resolve, yet without shame so we can resume progress with relative ease. They encourage resilience, reminding us that even when we’ve fallen, we can embrace both human and Holy Spirit help to get up and go forward.

Personal development

Embracing micro habits affords us the joy that accompanies small wins, thus replenishing necessary strength in our personal development journey. We will meet challenges, but the outcomes we desire generally result from consistency versus large-scale, though sporadic actions.

Consistency, even in small steps, shapes both our character and view of our goal. Even when we’ve failed, God moves mightily and decisively through minuscule actions to shift what He desires into being. When all looks dark, our joint investments with the Holy Spirit, produce unfathomable results (Ephesians 3:20).

While belief gives rise to behavior, our actions redefine what we have believed about ourselves. Enacting micro habits outweighs the large, though inconsistent moves that make a grand appearance when we’re inspired. Inspiration is an exhilarating companion for the journey, but we can’t rely on it exclusively to navigate our course. Unfortunately, inspiration gets clouded by discouragement and obstacles.

We can, however, gather inspiration from practicing the micro-habits that are not only shifting our world in the behavioral realm but also having an impact on the internal world of our thoughts and emotions. When we recognize that our beliefs and behavior positively reinforce one another, we can mobilize this to generate changes and form goals in other areas that impact our personal development.

Next steps for personal development

Although the process of setting and achieving a goal is met with challenges and rewards, you can embrace both strategy and system to support you with this important facet of personal development. Micro habits prove themselves, not only in yielding the desired goal but also in fueling the endurance and affirming confidence to sustain your personal development journey.

Wherever you may find yourself in the process, embrace the opportunity to seek and select a counselor from Newport Beach Christian Counseling . Make your appointment today. Embrace the empathy and tools you need to make small steps that yield a big impact.

Photos:
“Start”, Courtesy of Geralt, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Set Goals”, Courtesy of Geralt, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Never Give Up”, Courtesy of Geralt, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Goals”, Courtesy of Ronnie Overgoor, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Sustainable Self-Care Ideas to Improve Your Wellbeing

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Over the past few years, it has become increasingly trendy to talk about self-care. This is especially true for people whose work or lifestyle puts them in positions where it is hard to take time for themselves, whether because they work long, exhausting hours, or because they are home with children all day and can’t seem to get a meaningful break. Also, let’s be honest with our current times. COVID-19 has added additional stressors on top of everything else in our everyday lives.

But for many, the understanding of self-care doesn’t go too much further than taking time for yourself, whether by going out for a cup of coffee alone, meeting up with friends, or being available for a long luxurious soak in the bathtub.

However, I would suggest that self-care goes deeper than making sure that you can take those 10-15 minutes (or more) for yourself every day, as one can very quickly go from that relaxed feeling in one moment, back to feeling stressed and under pressure from the next triggering event. Newport Beach Christian Counseling emphasizes the importance of addressing the root causes of stress to achieve lasting emotional and spiritual well-being.

This suggests that you are over-extending yourself and what you perceive to be a state of relaxation is actually a state of constant stress. This state of stress that you perceive to be relaxed is just a lower level of stress compared to the previous overwhelming event—which is why we are easily stressed out by any small event that is stressful. Our cup is already filled to the rim.

Self-care, when we are stressed, keeps our cups from overfilling. But, self-care when we no longer feel as overwhelmed will help lower your cup even more so that when stressful life events happen, you can handle them with more patience, grace, understanding, and love.

Self-Care Ideas to Maintain Overall Health

Self-care needs to make some sort of effort to meet your deeper needs if it is to be meaningful and sustainable. It needs to look at all the areas of your life, your physical needs, like rest and taking care of your physical health, as well as your mental, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing.

Focus on your physical health

One of the first steps in self-care is recognizing that you are responsible for taking care of your physical health. As an adult, no one is going to remind you that you need to eat or to get enough sleep. So, you need to make sure that you are getting enough sleep, eating healthy and nutritious meals, and getting some form of daily exercise, such as going for a walk or cycle around the block.

All these things are important if we want our bodies to be operating at peak capacity. We need to make sure to set ourselves up for success by giving ourselves the fuel we need to feel good and manage our day-to-day responsibilities, and a healthy diet, rest, and movement all contribute to our general good health and wellbeing. Exercise is also known to help counteract feelings of stress by producing endorphins, so it has a double benefit.

Endorphins are chemicals produced naturally by the nervous system to cope with pain or stress. These are often also called the “feel good” chemicals. If your body is not producing enough endorphins you might experience depression, anxiety, or moodiness. This is why your physical health plays an important role in your mental and emotional well-being.

Know yourself

The next step in self-care is to do a little self-reflection. Take some time to look at your life and think about how the various aspects of it affect you and your wellbeing. Understand your capacity and limitations, so that you can know more easily when to say “no” to taking on too much.

Recognize what energizes you and what depletes you so that you can know what to say “yes” to and how to best recharge. Think about what kinds of things add significant stress so that, if possible, you can remember to practice your coping skills and make plans to manage the stress.

Prioritize what relaxes you, make time in your schedule to unwind, and allow yourself to show love to yourself. For some people, a warm bath with music or a book every day is relaxing. For others, cooking, dancing, or drawing are relaxing activities.

Think about what motivates you, so that you can commit yourself to what is important and follow through. The better you know yourself, the better you will be able to anticipate stresses and work to mitigate them, and the better you will be able to identify what is important to you and be able to plan to meet your needs.

Only by taking the time to think about what works and what doesn’t work in your life can you make better decisions about how to use your limited resources of time and energy and how to be your best self.

There’s a saying about self-care being about choosing to create a life that you don’t regularly feel the need to escape from. So, ask the tough questions about your life, career, and habits, and whether these things are draining you or fulfilling you. And then make changes accordingly.

Establish boundaries

Once you have taken the time to figure out what is most important to you, and what you are best capable of handling, then you can begin to establish healthy boundaries for yourself. These will look different to different people and in different situations.

You may find you need a certain amount of time alone to refresh yourself, and once you’ve decided that this is a priority in your self-care you can determine where to take this time and set up boundaries to protect it. Your boundaries may look like saying “no” to certain commitments, or to saying “no” beyond a certain number of social hangouts. But there will be times where you need to establish a limit, and then enforce it.

Yes, life is not perfect, and things will come up that may require the relaxing of a boundary; however, the general trend of protecting your time and the things that are important to you should become a habit that you don’t feel guilty about. Boundaries will help you to prioritize what is important, and then you can let the less important things slide a little if necessary.

Focus on your mental and emotional health

Once you have taken care of your physical needs and taken the time to establish boundaries to protect what is important to you, you can focus on investing in things that will build you up mentally and emotionally. For some, this may look like a change in their job to find something more fulfilling or making better use of their gifts and interests.

But momentous changes like this are not always options for everyone and looking after your mental health may mean investing in a hobby or other activity that challenges you and gives you a feeling of fulfillment. This might include getting involved in community service or taking a class in something that interests you, whether art or economics.

For some, it might mean being available to regularly spend time reading an enjoyable book. However, it is important to be available for things that challenge you positively and give you a sense of progress and growth.

Invest in friendships that build you up

While you may have hundreds of friends on social media, it is important to recognize the friendships that you have in real life. One rarely has the time to invest meaningfully in many friendships in real life, but when you have a solid friendship that uplifts you and builds you up, take the time to invest in that person.

We are made for relationships and do not function well in isolation, and that time with a friend can be life giving, especially when you are going through a challenging time. So don’t forget to prioritize time and energy for investing in the people that are close to you.

Focus on your faith

For many people, the spiritual aspect of life is particularly important. This is a part of life that shouldn’t be left as the last priority. It should be our first priority. For a Christian, God is more than a distant idea, but a close comfort and help in times of trouble.

If your faith is important to you then you will not find fulfillment in just going through the worldly motions but will need to seek a relationship with God by reading His living Word daily, praying without ceasing, and following His commandments.

It will also be important to fellowship with people who share your faith, whether only for the weekly gathering or more frequently. Pay close attention to the people you gather with. “Do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility with God? Therefore, whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God” (James 4:4).

Invest in your faith community and you will find yourself spiritually fulfilled. If your spiritual life is not in alignment with God, it gives license to Satan to attack you in those areas that are not in alignment. Jesus gave us “The Great Commission” as our purpose on earth. Neglecting what Jesus commands us to do can be physically felt as an ache or need that we cannot satisfy in any other way.

This is the Holy Spirit convicting us, “and He, when He comes, will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment” (John 16:8). When you are in alignment with God’s Word, you will feel peace in your Spirit and no longer be at war with your flesh.

Make time to fill your cup

All these things may feel like a lot that needs to be thought through and prioritized, but at the end of the day, we are complex people with needs across all parts of life. If any of these needs – physical, mental, emotional, spiritual – are not being met, then we will struggle to feel satisfaction and contentment where we are. Newport Beach Christian Counseling helps individuals navigate these complexities, ensuring that all aspects of well-being are addressed for a more fulfilling life.

But if you make good choices when it comes to how you fuel your body, what you prioritize, and how you guard what is important to you, you will find yourself increasingly fulfilled by the life you are building. And while you are investing in all these things, you mustn’t forget to allocate time to rest. “Jesus said to them, ‘The Sabbath was made for man’”(Mark 2:28).

Give yourself time to unwind and do the things that fill your cup, whether that is spending time in nature, socializing with good friends, or relaxing with a book, or even taking a long candlelit bubble bath. When the rest of your life is well balanced, these moments of rest will easily refresh and revive you and help you feel prepared to face the next challenge that comes your way.

Photos:
“Wake up and Glow”, Courtesy of Ellieelien, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; Self Love”, Courtesy of Content Pixie, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Woman Making Heart”, Courtesy of Jackson David, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “White Mug on Chair Arm”, Courtesy of Carolyn V, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

Overcoming Passivity: Practical Tips to Become an Assertive Person

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Passivity is a common relationship issue that creates many other problems. On the surface, it can seem “safe” compared to acting in bold, aggressive ways. However, in the long run, it is costly to your mental, emotional, social, and spiritual health. When you learn the truth about passivity, you can overcome it and begin living the abundant life God intends for you. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can guide you through this process, helping you break free from passivity and embrace a more fulfilling life.

Definition of Passivity

The APA Dictionary of Psychology defines passivity as “a form of adaptation, or maladaptation, in which the individual adopts a pattern of submissiveness, dependence, and retreat into inaction.”

A passive life is not pleasing to God. Jesus said, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10 NIV). In God we have an abundant life, not a life lived on another person’s terms. God wants us to fully depend on him, not on people or their opinions of us. When we actively surrender to God instead of living in passivity, we can experience the freedom and fullness he intends for us.

Examples of Passivity

We are all born as helpless infants, completely dependent on others to fulfill our needs for survival and growth. This infant stage lasts a little over a year. Then a child begins to separate from his or her mother or caretaker to start to become independent. This is a normal developmental stage that God intended for us to go through to become fully functioning adults.

However, many people may be the age of adults, yet still emotionally functioning in overly dependent ways. This dependence stunts their growth and creates many problems in relationships, schools, workplaces, and churches. A passive person cannot contain his or her passivity; its negative effects always spill over onto others.

There are many ways people can act passively in ways that cost them. Here are several examples to consider.

  • A child in elementary school fails to stand up to a bully’s torment, then suffers emotional trauma.
  • A young woman stays in a relationship with an emotionally abusive boyfriend because she is afraid of his angry outbursts and worries that no one else will want to date her. As a result, she suffers from anxiety and depression.
  • A mother and father allow their unemployed, 20-something son to live rent-free in their home and don’t have a plan for encouraging him to get his own place. The situation causes tension and financial stress for the parents.
  • A man is unfairly burdened with work projects by a domineering boss. When he is passed over for promotion, he develops an ulcer.
  • An elderly mother is homebound. Her oldest son is her financial caregiver. She suspects that he may be mishandling her funds but feels helpless to confront the situation.
  • A wife turns a blind eye to her husband’s extramarital affairs. She stays in the marriage for the sake of their kids, but her resentment and heartache silently grow.

When you look at these examples, you can see how each person’s passivity costs them. However, if you are acting passively in a situation, it can be hard to see it yourself. A caring Christian counselor can help you see where you are being passive and how you can overcome your passive tendencies.

Examples from the Bible

We can look to the Bible for examples of how passivity cost people tremendous amounts of heartache and loss. One clear example is Jacob, son of Isaac and Rebekah, as we read in Genesis 25-28. Though his brother Esau was the heir to their father’s inheritance, Jacob passively allowed his mother to manipulate the situation so he would receive the blessing.

Jacob had many chances to stand up for what was right. He could have stopped at cooking the stew of wild game, wearing Esau’s clothing, and tricking his father. As he passively followed his mother’s directions, he received what he wanted in the short term – his father’s blessing.

But for the next several decades, fear and strife haunted him. He could not live in peace due to his passivity, and he eventually put his whole family in danger because of it (see Genesis 32).

Another example of passivity is the man who laid by the pool of Bethesda, as recorded in John 5. He had been physically paralyzed for 38 years and waited every day for someone to carry him into the healing waters. When Jesus saw him, he addressed the man’s emotional and spiritual passivity rather than his physical passivity.

Jesus asked him, “Do you want to get well?” (John 5:6). For the man to receive healing, he had to become active by picking up his mat and walking. In his activity, not his passivity, Jesus healed him (John 5:8-15).

We can learn from these two stories that passivity is costly. Both Jacob and the disabled man were emotionally stunted. Their passivity blocked a deeper relationship with others and with God. Only God could deliver them from their passivity, and when he did, newness of life became possible.

The Costs of Passivity

Passivity can cost you on a mental level. When you hand over control to others, they can manipulate you. You may suffer from their attempts to blame, deny, gaslight, and abuse you.

Emotionally, passivity can exact a heavy toll. You may feel weak and insecure, lacking confidence in your ability to take charge of your life. Passivity can cause anxiety, depression, anger, and other emotional disturbances.

A passive life has social costs as well. People tend to take advantage of those who send out passive signals. Your relationships may feel one-sided like they revolve around the other person. You may feel left out, betrayed, and used.

Spiritual passivity is a blockade to a deeper relationship with God. He wants you to live a life of confidence in him, rather than an unhealthy dependence on others. If you are passive in your faith, you are missing out on God’s best for your life.

How to Become a More Assertive Person

Fortunately, there is help for passive individuals. You don’t have to stay stuck in passivity. A compassionate Christian counselor can help you put passivity aside and choose assertiveness instead.

When you are assertive, you act in a way that respects yourself and others. You speak up for the truth because you believe that your self-worth is valuable. Assertiveness is not aggressive; it is firm yet loving.

To become an assertive person, you need direction, practice, and support. Your counselor will first help you deal with the roots of passive behaviors. Next, you will learn techniques for acting assertively by role-playing. With support from your counselor and others, you will be able to successfully and assertively set boundaries.

Let’s look at assertive responses in the six previous examples.

  • After role-playing with his parents and counselor, the child learns to confront the bully and enlist help from peers and teachers.
  • The young woman courageously breaks off the relationship with her boyfriend after several therapy sessions. She also becomes more active in the singles group at her church and decides to take a break from dating while she works on developing healthy boundaries.
  • The parents come up with a 60-day plan for holding their son accountable for finding a job and his own place. They work with a counselor to form talking points for a loving confrontation.
  • The man begins a job search for a position that is more independent. He joins a men’s small group to find accountability and support and attends bi-monthly counseling appointments.
  • The elderly woman shares concerns with her counselor, who points her toward further help from social services and an attorney.
  • After being coached by a counselor, a wife tells her husband to get professional help for his sexual addiction, so their marriage has hope of being salvaged.

Learning assertiveness is not easy after years of taking a passive stance. If you’re ready to overcome passivity to embrace the abundant life God has in store for you, feel free to contact me or one of the other counselors in the counselor directory through Newport Beach Christian Counseling.

Photos:
“Lock”, Courtesy of Basil James, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Tunnel Vision”, Courtesy of Sharosh Rajesekher, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Freedom”, Courtesy of Fuu J, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Chains”, Courtesy of Zulmaury Saavedra, Unsplash.com, CC0 License