Commonly Missed Anxiety Symptoms in Women

/in , , ,

Anxiety impacts people of all genders and ages but usually manifests differently in people of different ages and genders. Anxiety occurs twice as often in women as in men and are they found to experience Generalized Anxiety, Panic Disorder, Phobias, PTSD and Social Anxiety. Symptoms of anxiety in midlife differ than symptoms of anxiety during childhood. Today we will explore what anxiety looks like for women ages 30 to 50.

Women approaching midlife traditionally experience a higher propensity toward anxiety disorders.

Usually, these anxiety disorders fall within generalized anxiety, PTSD, and panic attacks. Hormonal changes that happen during motherhood, pre-menopause, and menopause are all reasons for these anxiety disorders. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers compassionate support and effective strategies to address these challenges and promote emotional well-being.

Women in their thirties to fifties are normally facing the peak of life’s highest demands as they try to meet expectations imposed on women from society. Women embrace the idea that they can “have everything,” including chasing career growth, raising children, managing the home, and maintaining active social lives.

Women measure their lives to other mothers and businesswomen around them and strive to keep up appearances. During these years, suppressed memories of former sexual assault or abuse can often crop up and lead to latent anxiety or PTSD symptoms.

What follows is a breakdown of the symptoms of Generalized Anxiety, Panic Disorder, and PTSD.  You may not realize that some of the symptoms that are outlined below accompany these diagnoses.

Symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Generalized Anxiety Disorder manifests itself as excessive anxiety and intense worry about a whole host of things. This worry comes quickly and can be a real challenge to control.

This anxiety is associated with not less than three of the following physical or cognitive symptoms, including fatigue, restlessness, muscle tension, irritability, difficulty concentrating, and sleep disturbances. If you have experienced three or more of these symptoms on a regular basis for 6+ months, you most likely are living with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

Commonly Missed Anxiety Symptoms in Women:

Difficulty Concentrating

Many women struggle to simply focus on what’s happening around them. They begin a task and then shortly after may realize, “Woah. My mind has totally been wandering.” This lack of focus can become a detriment to productivity.

Sometimes it’s worrying thoughts that are distracting the person with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but other times that person is unable to focus long enough to complete the task at hand. Either of these can still point to you experiencing anxiety.

Difficulty Sleeping

Tossing and turning is a symptom of anxiety in women ages 30 to 50. Mothers are used to losing solid, uninterrupted sleep when the baby comes, but there could be other signs to look out for. If your day is full of anxiety then your sleep might be interrupted by nightmares or other internal thoughts.

You get in bed to catch some shut-eye and the thoughts that plague you make it nearly impossible to fall asleep. You might eventually be able to drop off to sleep, but sleep is still elusive. If this is part of your nightly routine, you might be suffering from anxiety.

Symptoms of Panic Disorder

A panic attack happens suddenly and escalates to its peak within minutes. It’s diagnosed when four of the below symptoms are met and often can be overlooked because the symptoms are similar to heart disorders, breathing issues and other health problems.

Recurring panic attacks include four or more of the following symptoms. Pounding heart or accelerated heart rate, palpitations, trembling or shaking, sweating, feelings of choking, feeling short of breath or like you are smothering, discomfort or pain in the chest, feeling dizzy, nausea or abdominal distress, unsteadiness, light-headedness, or faintness, paresthesia (numbness or tingling sensations), chills or heat sensations, fear of losing control or “going crazy,” derealization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself), fear of dying.

At least one panic attack is followed by one month of persistent worry of having more panic attacks. Also, there’s a presence of persistent behavioral changes that occur to avoid an attack, including avoiding similar situations that caused the attack in the first place.

Commonly Missed Symptoms:

Accurately Identifying Physical Symptoms as Anxiety

A panic attack itself is extremely noticeable. The physical signs can be frightening for someone who has never suffered through an anxiety attack. However, interpreting the symptoms accurately is harder to do.

Perhaps you have been experiencing tightness of the chest for days and wonder if your heart is healthy. This is one of the ways symptoms aren’t viewed accurately because anxiety may not have been on your radar as the problem.

The Fear of Recurring Panic Attacks

Once you’ve gone through a panic attack, a fear can grip you about when the next anxiety attack will occur. The worry about physically experiencing another panic attack is all-consuming, yet a normal part of the anxiety experience of a panic disorder.

Symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

PTSD symptoms occur after being exposed to death, injury, or violence. This can happen by directly witnessing the trauma, or by learning the details of a trauma indirectly.

PTSD also happens when you’re experiencing the traumatic event in certain ways that include nightmares, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts or exposure to something that triggers traumatic reminders. Completely avoiding thoughts, feelings, or reminders of the traumatic experience can also be a symptom of PTSD. Usually, symptoms must have lasted for one month, but not all symptoms have to exist to be diagnosed with PTSD.

Commonly Missed Symptoms:

Self-Blame

Women often internalize traumatic events and feel responsible for what happened. In an attempt to minimize the pain, they just self-blame. Women are known to shoulder burdens and this behavior puts them at higher risk for experiencing PTSD when they are exposed to a traumatic event.

Christian Counselors Are Ready to Help

Don’t let the pressure of being perfect prevent you from seeking help. If you are women between the ages of 30 and 50 and find yourself relating to what’s been shared in this post, help is out there. Taking the step of finding a counselor can be daunting, but it can lead to incredible freedom in your life. Counseling can help in ways you might not even realize.

Remember, you are not alone. Anxiety is common and treatable. Newport Beach Christian Counseling provides professional, established counselors who will come alongside you during this season of life and equip you with the tools to take on your anxiety.

Photos:
“Portrait,” courtesy of Remy Loz, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Alone,” courtesy of Ann Demianenko, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Nervous,” courtesy of Eddie Kopp, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Trapped,” courtesy of Paul Gilmore, unsplash.com, Public Domain License

Are Christians Allowed to have Sexual Fantasies?

/in , , ,

🎧 Listen to this article

 

References “A Celebration of Sex” by Dr. Douglas E. Rosenau

Getting married doesn’t mean you’ll never notice another attractive person. It’s normal to recognize that someone is good-looking, and as long as you respond with integrity, this isn’t something to feel guilty about. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers practical advice on maintaining integrity and strengthening your marital bond.

God created us to be imaginative, but because of our sin natures we often use the gift of imagination for evil purposes, such as sexually depraved thoughts. By contrast, it’s vital for Christians to cultivate a healthy sexual thought life. If you’re married, this doesn’t mean repressing sexual thoughts; it means channeling them appropriately.

If sex within marriage is good, then thinking about it must be good too, as long as our thoughts love and honor our spouse (for example, avoiding fantasies of degrading or harmful behavior).

But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death. – James 1:13-14

Sexual sin first gains a foothold in one’s thought life. Here are some tips for avoiding it.

How to Avoid Sexual Temptation and Relationship Problems

Don’t Linger

“Keep your gaze moving rather than lingering.” (79)

Again, it’s normal to simply recognize that someone is attractive, but it’s sin to allow that thought to turn into something more. This means you need to avoid “checking out” anyone other than your spouse.

Casually noticing someone’s appearance is different than looking them up and down with a lingering gaze. Rosenau suggests the “one-second” glance as a helpful rule.

Avoid Ungodly Media Sources

Sexual messages permeate our culture, but this doesn’t mean you’re doomed; after all, alcohol commercials are almost as pervasive, yet you certainly wouldn’t do a shot every time you saw one. Avoid any form of media that encourages adultery, hook-ups, casual sex, etc.

The entertainment industry glamorizes illicit sex, yet often ignores the resulting fallout of heartache, sexually transmitted diseases, unintended pregnancy, broken families, and more.

 

Avoid Adulterous Sexual Fantasies

Keep your thoughts far away from going down this road. Adhere strictly to this rule, especially where it concerns people who are accessible to you. Sin begins in the heart. The more often you cultivate sinful fantasies, the less resistance to temptation you will have when the opportunity presents itself. Cut this sin off at the root where it counts, in your thought life.

Focus on the Positive

We all have physical flaws; don’t focus on your partner’s while fantasizing about perfection. “Continued fantasies about women with big breasts, or men with muscular shoulders, are stupid if your partner is small. The same can be said about not taking the energy to allow your mate to be erotically attractive to you and fantasizing that you are making love to someone else.” (79)

It’s futile and selfish to focus on your partner’s imperfect characteristics; instead, pay attention to the qualities you most admire about them, both inside and out.

Refresh your Relationship

Anything can get worn out over time, even your thought life regarding your sexual relationship. Creative lovemaking starts in the mind; consider new experiences you and your spouse could explore together. You can start with these ideas from Rosenau:

  1. Describe a sexual fantasy out loud, or write it down, including how both you and your partner would participate, where and when it would take place, and why it appeals to you.
  2. Ask your spouse to do the same, and share them with each other.
  3. Elaborate on your spouse’s ideas by adding some of your own. Keep it lighthearted.
  4. If you’re uncomfortable with any aspect of your spouse’s fantasy, share why in an honest, loving way.
  5. Create a list of mutually appreciated ideas, and plan when you’ll implement one or more of them.

Christian Counseling: How it Can Help Your Sex Life

Processing sexual difficulties in your relationship can take a lot of time and patience. Conversations may be challenging, awkward, or lead to arguments or misunderstandings because this is such a sensitive subject.

Professional Christian counseling can help you verbalize your thoughts and feelings and address any conflict the two of you have. Our counselors at Newport Beach Christian Counseling combine both a clinical and Biblical approach that seeks to apply God’s principles to the sexual relationship in marriage.

Photos
“Together at Sunset,” Courtesy of Ryan Holloway, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Romance,” courtesy of Nguyen Hoangnam, Flickr Creative Commons, 2.0 License; “Empty bed,” courtesy of HS Lee, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Indie Cuddles,” Courtesy of Toa Heftiba, Unsplash.com; CC0 License

5 Common Symptoms of Fear of Abandonment

/in , , ,

Connection is a hardwired human need. Fear of abandonment usually stems from the loss of a parent through death, divorce, general absence, or even adoption. If children are limited in their ability to form secure, safe attachments, then these wounds can influence adult behavior and healthy relationships. Newport Beach Christian Counseling provides support and tools to address these deep-seated issues and foster healing.

If a child has endured consistent loss, all of those feelings and memories can be reignited in adulthood when triggered.

If your biological father abandoned you as an infant, that fear and pain might prevent you from having functioning and thriving relationships.

On a broader level, intense fears of losing a connection with a loved one can fuel abandonment concerns. Usually, these fears originate from moments when someone let you down or failed to take care of you. Abandonment can be real or perceived, emotional or physical. Some examples of childhood abandonment include:

  • Children who felt deserted due to divorce, death, foster care, or daycare
  • Children who felt forsaken because of verbal, physical, emotional or sexual abuse
  • Children whose basic needs were not met by their parents.

There are many other forms of abandonment that may be less obvious but by no means less significant.

  • Parents who were emotionally unavailable
  • Siblings who constantly teased their brother or sister
  • Children who felt routinely ignored and were left to solve problems without guidance
  • Adolescents who were criticized and made to feel that making mistakes was prohibited
  • Other abandonment wounds occur from peer rejection, chronic illness, relationships ending or prolonged singleness

Common Fear of Abandonment Symptoms

Fear of abandonment is involuntary. Because of life events that were out of your control, this fear has been instilled inside of you. Here are five symptoms that are associated with a fear of abandonment.

1. Chronic insecurities

Abandonment can cause a severe fear of rejection, damage self-esteem, and bring about a host of other insecurities. The insecurities crop up and, in an attempt to hold onto someone out of fear, you end up pushing him away.

Your thoughts might immediately go to, “I’m unlovable. Nobody will ever love me.” The need for constant reassurance from other people causes stress in relationships. It’s important to be able to affirm yourself without needing someone else to affirm you.

You hold deep feelings of unworthiness. The insecurities intensify as the fear that abandonment will occur again plagues your mind.

2. Re-enacting Trauma

Habits are hard to break. Because of low self-esteem and past experiences, people with a fear of abandonment often find themselves being drawn to the same patterns in adulthood. Many people place themselves in relationships that end with being discarded or abused.

When someone re-enacts trauma it’s a subconscious effort to resolve past trauma. This could manifest by being attracted to the “wrong” person who is noncommittal and hurtful. You begin to project your insecurities on those around you.

As you cling to those around you, they feel suffocated from accusations that are thrown at them like, “You will leave me. You don’t love me anymore. You don’t need me.”

3. Growing Distrust

People with pain from abandonment were usually deserted by someone they trusted. As a result, these people learned to create boundaries and only rely on themselves for protection. They build an emotional barricade that keeps others from getting too close.

This growing distrust coupled with heightened sensitivity can create conflicting behaviors. On the outside, the person acts tough, but on the inside, the criticism, feelings of being misunderstood and other negative comments will cause emotional destruction.

4. Mood Swings

A breakup or fracture in a relationship is hard to handle on a normal day, but for someone with a deep-seated fear of abandonment, a wave of depression and anxiety can crash over you. In an effort to self-protect, you might try to numb your pain or detach completely from it. The feelings of emptiness and loneliness chip away at your heart.

You are constantly paranoid that the ones you love will leave you at any moment, and you over-analyze what others think of you and say about you. You struggle with feeling defensive and misunderstood. A surge of jealousy toward others can consume you.

5. Self-Sabotaging Relationships

Shame and condemnation bombard you daily. An onslaught of thoughts around worthlessness fills your mind. Those who can relate to a fear of abandonment normally find themselves wanting to cling to people, yet wanting to avoid intimacy at the same time.

To someone with a fear of abandonment, the thought of intimacy can mean being controlled and surrendering independence. To risk fully exposing their heart puts them in a vulnerable space. They reject first before they can be rejected by someone else.

Christian Counseling Helps Overcome Fear of Abandonment

Living with a fear of abandonment can make you feel unwanted and not good enough. If you believe you might be struggling with some of the symptoms outlined in this article, a Christian counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help redirect you to confidence boosting, uplifting thought patterns.

You don’t have to stay stuck. Refuse to allow this fear to become an obstacle between you and healthy relationships. Counseling is a safe place to navigate your story and find the strength to move forward in life.

Photos:
“Self-hate”, Courtesy of Louis Blythe, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Abandoned”, Courtesy of Christopher Windus, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Boots,” courtesy of holeysocksart, pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Contemplation,” courtesy of Simon Powell, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0)

Low Sex Drive in Women: Common Causes

/in , , ,

Women are masters at spinning multiple plates. They spend all day taking care of children or working at the office and then come home to cook meals, bathe kids, nurse others back to health and solve daily dilemmas. There’s no clocking out.

When life gets overwhelming and stress takes a toll, there’s little time or energy to think about having sex. Sex can start to seem like one more thing to add to the ever-growing to-do list. Resentment may even grow between husband and wife. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help couples navigate these challenges and rebuild intimacy in their relationship.

A wife feels like she’s given every ounce of herself and then her husband asks for even more of her. Life can feel like everybody in the house is constantly taking from you, without any replenishment occurring.

The lack of a sexual appetite can create feelings of guilt and shame. Women often think there’s something wrong with them due to the lack of desire to have sex. If there’s no underlying physical problem, take time to explore the reasons for your low sex drive.

Reasons For a Low Sex Drive in Women

Sex, when it’s pleasurable, creates intimacy, oneness and forms a stronger partnership. But if someone has a higher sex drive and initiates frequently, the lower-drive spouse may begin to feel pressured into having sex. Here are a few reasons women may find themselves struggling with a lower sex drive.

1. The Effect of Motherhood on Sexual Desire

Hormone changes can dramatically decrease the desire to have sex. If you’ve been pregnant, or are in the early years of raising children, it can feel like your body no longer belongs to you.

Saying no to sex may be one way a woman regains control over her physical body during the high demands of motherhood.

Some moms will say no simply because they are exhausted from the level of energy exerted taking care of children. Body image insecurities can also create a hesitation to engage in sexual intimacy with your spouse. Discuss some ways pressure can be alleviated and a feeling of romance can be rekindled to create mutual desire.

2. Marriage Problems

If there’s conflict or issues in your marriage this can disrupt your sex life. Who wants to be intimate with someone you aren’t getting along with? Problems in a marriage can make it tough to get in the mood. In this instance, it’s important to enlist the help of a counselor to uncover the root of the issue and seek reconciliation in the relationship.

It’s important to work on marriage problems as they arise in order to reduce their negative impact on the relationship, including the sexual relationship. It’s one thing to believe your marriage is a priority, but it’s important to take practical steps to keep it that way. The more issues fester, the more work it takes to get back to a place of intimacy.

3. Dissatisfaction with the Sexual Relationship

When sex becomes monotonous, it can strip away every trace of desire. A concrete routine makes sex too regimented. As the years pass, it’s easy to fall into a familiar pattern, but this can make sex more dull than delightful. The beginning of a relationship is usually full of passion and intense connection.

Over time, that physical attraction begins to fade or goes in different phases. Sex starts to seem more like a task to accomplish during the day. If emotional needs are being met consistently, this can increase satisfaction in a sexual relationship.

Physical satisfaction isn’t the ultimate goal but pursuing and mutually enjoying each other is. It may take a few years but many couples discover what works for them in order for each partner to feel satisfied.

4. Stagnancy in the Sexual Relationship

Going through the motions will only widen the intimacy gap between husband and wife. If you’re not fully present, it’s impossible to make a connection. Sometimes all that’s needed is a simple change. Verbalizing your needs respectfully can move a relationship forward again.

Maybe you need a different form of affection to boost your sex drive, or your husband to watch the kids while you go for a pedicure, or you need an evening away together to get excitement growing again. Women have different reasons for their low sex drive which means not every woman will recover their sex drive in the same way.

Talk about ways that you aren’t being fulfilled and come up with an action plan to ignite those passionate feelings again. Start the conversation with your spouse about trying something new in your sexual relationship. Sex isn’t meant to feel like an assembly line, but an adventure you experience with your spouse.

Christian Counseling to Discuss Low Sex Drive

There are many reasons why sex drive can diminish. Counseling provides one way to narrow down the search and find the true reason why your sex drive isn’t as high as it should be. A Christian counselor at Newport Beach Christian Counseling can provide a safe, mature environment for you and your spouse to work on your intimacy issues and develop a deeper bond.

Photos
“Girl with Copper Hair,” courtesy of tintenfieber, pixabay.com, CC0 Public Domain License; “A Mother’s Love,” courtesy of Tanja Heffner, unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Happily Ever After”, Courtesy of Jeremy Bishop, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Indie Cuddles”, Courtesy of Toa Heftiba, Unsplash.com; CC0 License

Child Therapy for Behavior Issues

/in , , ,

When kids struggle to communicate their negative emotions verbally, they often resort to acting out or arguing to demonstrate how they’re feeling. They might throw a tantrum, yell, or scream to communicate their anger instead of being able to explain the source of their frustration.

Parents who think they’ve made a reasonable request might not know how to react when their children respond in anger. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can provide valuable strategies for managing such situations effectively.

For example, imagine you’re cooking dinner and you hear your kids arguing in the next room. You feel frustrated because you’re thinking about all of the times you’ve lectured them to get along.

You may place the blame on your children for acting this way; after all, you’ve told them over and over how they should act. A more helpful focus would be to consider whether your expectations are as clear as they should be, and how consistent you’re being with communication and follow-through.

No matter what struggles you might be having in communication or consistency, you can always adjust your approach in order to see benefits.

Part one of this series discussed reflective listening as a tool to make children feel heard. Reflective learning helps the speaker feel that they’re understood and can connect a child to his or her emotions, as well as coach them to comply with your instructions. In this article, we’ll discuss therapeutic limit-setting.

Therapeutic Tips for Parents

As a therapist, some of my unchanging standards are unconditional positive regard, a belief that the client has the inner ability to change, and empathy.

Ensure that you are approaching your child with unconditional positive regard by not allowing their behavior to lead you to judgment or condemnation of who your child is as a person. This will create an environment of safety and security that allows your child to feel protected.

It’s important to remind yourself that your child is the only one who possesses the ability to change his or her behavior.

This means you’re not responsible to make your child learn or understand; you can only do the best you can to communicate while encouraging your child to grow in confidence that he or she is able to overcome difficulties.

Empathy involves valuing your child’s emotions and experiencing and honoring them as an individual, as well as honoring your own individuality. This makes your child feel known and seen as a worthwhile person.

How to Set Limits for Your Children

Using these standards as a foundation, we can apply the following model to set limits for our children’s behavior. This model is based on Garry Landreth’s teaching on how to set limits in child-centered play therapy. It’s called the ACT model of limit setting.

The ACT model is comprised of three components: acknowledge your child’s feelings, communicate the limit, and target the alternatives.

Step One: Acknowledge Your Child’s Feelings

We introduced this topic in our discussion on reflective listening. Acknowledging a child’s feelings means you verbally reflect what you think their current thoughts and emotions are. Pay attention to facial expressions, body language, and both verbal and nonverbal cues.

Acknowledging your child’s feelings makes them feel understood and helps them connect emotions with how they’re acting.

Example: “I know you are feeling very angry with me right now. So angry you want to hit me.”

Step Two: Communicate the Limit

You set a boundary that does not allow your child’s behavior outside of certain limits. This won’t stop a child from feeling upset or angry. Instead, they’re used to stop hurtful, destructive, or disrespectful behavior.

“… but you may not hit me.”

Step Three: Target Alternatives

Once you’ve set a limit on a certain behavior, tell your child how you expect them to behave instead. Let them know how they can express their emotions in a safe and responsible way.

“You may choose to hit your pillow or you may choose to hit a beanbag.”

Limit-setting isn’t just a way to give your child options, even though choices are a part of the model. We use choices in order to acknowledge that children have the ability to control their own behavior.

This helps to teach them the difference between impulse and action, and it is an empowering way to give them the tools to learn self-control.

This model is helpful for parents as well. You no longer feel like you have to control your child’s every move, or that your authority is dependent on whether your child feels like listening to you.

Instead, you’re placing the responsibility for obedience on your child, while focusing on your own responsibility to set expectations and follow through with appropriate consequences when those expectations are not met.

Consequences can be used as Step 4 of the ACT model. A child who has chosen to hit their parent instead of using an acceptable way of expressing their emotions should experience a consequence for their behavior:

“When you chose to hit me, you chose to lose all of your TV time this week.”

Speaking this way might not come naturally in the beginning, but it eventually becomes intuitive and helps both you and your child know what to expect. Newport Beach Christian Counseling offers guidance to make this transition smoother and more effective.

This tool is something that is used daily in child therapy settings, and it is highly beneficial. It gives children structure and consistency and teaches them emotional self-regulation, allowing them to grow and flourish.

Photos
“Reconciled,” courtesy of Eye for Ebony, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Girl,” courtesy of Patrick Fore, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Pout,” courtesy of martakoton, pixabay.com, CC0 Public Domain License; “Parenting,” courtesy of marcisim, pixabay.com, CC0 Public Domain License

Codependency Traits in the Church

/in , , ,

“Codependency” is the commonly used term to describe the obvious accommodations that a person makes in order to adjust to an addict’s dependence on substances.

Consequently, it is damaging on two fronts: the addict is reinforced in their unhealthy behavior, and the enabler is likely over-functioning in order to compensate for the lifestyle of the addict. Newport Beach Christian Counseling can help both the addict and the enabler work through these patterns, offering support and guidance for healthier behaviors, boundaries, and relationships.

Codependents may feel as if they are some sort of hero for constantly saving the addict from themselves. But in reality, they are not helping the addict recover and are only compounding their issues. You could say that the codependent person has a control addiction in the same way that the addict does for a particular substance.

Substance addiction may be an extreme example of codependency, but it serves as a helpful one when we look at the nature of the human relationships trapped in this codependent situation.

The Bible teaches that every one of us is addicted to sin. The apostle Paul asserts in Romans 6:17, “though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance.”

There is no doubt that the church can become an incredible force for good in breaking addictions and providing a community where codependency traits can be eradicated from people’s relationships.

The New Testament is full of clear direction pointing towards God’s design for Christians to assist each other in growing and maturing spiritually. Some of these instructions include teaching, rebuking, correcting, training, encouraging, reminding, and restoring. All of these things are intended to help someone transition from an unhealthy reliance on another person to a healthy reliance on God.

However, codependency can become an issue for church staff members as they seek to help and pastor many individuals who are struggling in their lives. If leaders fail to maintain a healthy balance in their pastoral lives, codependent relationships can thrive, and burnout is never far away. Simply put – Christian leaders must look after themselves.

Though the main point of the parable is about being ready for the His return, Jesus touches on the subject of personal responsibility in his Parable of the Ten Virgins (Matthew 25:1-13). When the foolish virgins find that they have run out of oil because they didn’t bring enough, they then attempt to borrow more from the wise virgins who refuse because they only brought enough for themselves.

Christians are ultimately responsible for their own faith. God never intended that we should be either the object or the source of some else’s faith. We must all seek after the Lord for ourselves, knowing that He is the one who can fulfill us and grant us strength and healing.

Depending on the Holy Spirit vs. Depending on Flesh

“This is what the Lord says: ‘Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who draws strength from mere flesh and whose heart turns away from the Lord’” (Jeremiah 17:5). The clear message of this verse is that God is to be the church’s source of strength. So don’t place your faith in the church leaders or unbiblical systems of doctrine, but instead look to the Lord.

Many would describe the Christian life as “just one beggar showing another beggar where to get some bread.” This is a brilliant quote as it sums up what the Christian faith is all about. We all need the Lord and our aim should be to point each other to Him.

The apostle Paul says in Philippians 2:12, “Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling.” James says in James 1:2-3, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”

These passages demonstrate the process of refinement that God brings about by means of trials that drive the Christian to seek Him out in the midst of the trouble. Of course, it is often much easier to simply instruct someone and think you have all the answers to give when they hit a rough patch in the life.

We must be careful not to try and think on behalf of others. This behavior disempowers the individual and will contribute to their dependent tendencies. It is always more helpful to try and enable the person to become the driving force behind tackling their own issues.

The church can help us with this! The church community should be a place where we spur each other on to grow in our relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. Codependency runs the risk of robbing people of the things that they need to experience in order to teach them dependence on God.

“What a person desires is unfailing love; better to be poor than a liar.” – Proverbs 19:22

“One who is full loathes honey from the comb, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet.” – Proverbs 27:7

These verses from Proverbs are excellent because they deal with the different ways people cover up their need for love. The first one addresses our desperate need for an eternal and unfailing love and how we might exchange this for something like money in order to feel secure.

The second one describes a person who does not have a sense of fulfillment, so they are more likely to search for it in places where it cannot be found. Both of these passages describe the motives of a codependent person. People with issues of codependency tend to cover up a hunger for love with something else. In turn, they fail to receive all that God has for them.

Those who are more susceptible to codependency are often seeking after a predictable way to attain a sense of value that has been lacking in their past.

The church is a wonderful environment in which we can be unconditionally loved and accepted, but it can also become a place where performance and pressure are rife. Too often, people are motivated to get involved in church in order to find self-worth. But this is never a good motivation in and of itself.

Christians must discover freedom outside of the “performance mentality” that demands perfect results in every sphere of their lives. Too often, those who are engaged in a codependent relationship have a tendency to behave in this manner.

Codependency is in direct contradiction to the unconditional “agape” love of God. It’s an attempt to exert control over how others feel or think about us, but it is a bottomless pit. You will never be able to do enough, please enough people, or perform to the level you think you should be achieving. When it comes to working for the church in either a voluntary or an employed capacity, we must carefully examine our motives.

There is so much freedom in knowing that God’s love is unconditional. When we are securely rooted in the finished work of Christ, we derive our ultimate value from Him. This helps us avoid attempting to overrule the work of God in other people’s lives. We must never think we know better than the Lord when it comes to dealing with the lives of those around us.

Dependency vs. Interdependency – The Culture of the Church

Of course, the church should be a place where we lean on each other. We are one body in Christ Jesus and must learn to be interdependent and selfless in our service to Him. But Jesus continues to challenge us just as he did with His disciples and listeners. Look at some of the key questions Jesus asked.

  • Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? (Matthew 7:3)
  • Why then is it written that the Son of man must suffer much and be rejected? (Mark 9:12)
  • Who do you say I am? (Matthew 6:15)
  • Do you want to get well? (John 5:6)
  • Why are you so afraid? (Matthew 8:26)

Jesus was a master at asking questions that cause us to search our souls and to think for ourselves. By these means, Jesus wants us to learn how to become people of bold and courageous faith, who both lean on Him and are able to take responsibility for their own spiritual lives alongside bolstering others in their faith.

Jesus calls us to be dependent on Him. This is, however, the only truly dependent relationship we should maintain. Of course, we should be interdependent in community – supporting one another, encouraging, and challenging each other. But we should always seek to harbor a special dependency on Christ, who is our master.

A wise piece of advice given to any person working in the ministry would be this: “The main thing you will give your congregation – just like the main thing you will give God – is the person you become.” We must embrace our testimony and utilize our life story for the glory of God. We must always seek to take care of our own issues in a healthy and appropriate way, and must never fall into the trap of thinking we possess all the answers for others.

Every single person possesses God-given ability to help others. As Christians, it is a central calling that we be a blessing to those in need. But we must be very careful not to enter into a relational dynamic of codependency, as this is never God-honoring and can be very damaging.

We must always seek to listen to the voice of God first and foremost. He is the one who can truly heal, restore and transform those people who are in need. We must never try and be the savior to others, as attempting to replace Jesus in the life of another is a dangerous and foolish endeavor.

Remember, interdependency in the context of a church community can be a wonderful blessing of rich joy, healing, and companionship. But we must always remember who is at the head of the body. Jesus is the only one who is able to guide our steps and lead us on into fullness of life; we are simply his vessels and the tools in His hand. Newport Beach Christian Counseling encourages individuals and families to remain centered on Christ as they navigate relationships and find healing within their community.

Photos
“Break”, Courtesy of Tanja Heffner, Unsplash.com; CC0 License; “Scripture,” courtesy of Aaron Burden, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Torn,” courtesy of Jiri Wagner, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Walking in the Park”, Courtesy of Mabel Amber, Pixabay.com; CC0 License